Chapter Text
Stan Marsh was beyond humiliated.
Following the collapse of his anti-bullying campaign, the vicious backlash from his peers and his embarrassing excursion in San Diego, where, in a very public area, he stripped off everything and danced around like a damn fool, the raven-haired boy had spent the whole weekend locked up in his bedroom. Just as Kyle had predicted, Stan ended up naked and jacking it in San Diego.
If that wasn't bad enough, somebody had video recorded his very public breakdown and sold it to TMZ for three-hundred thousand dollars (Stan checked his phone while on the plane). So, before he even got back to South Park, his raving, naked mess ended up going viral.
Before long, his phone was blowing up with phone calls and text messages, none of which he responded to, opting instead to turn the device off. There was no doubt that everybody in school had seen the viral video…maybe even everyone in town. His family made no secret about their seeing it and poked fun at him endlessly the moment he got back home. He expected to get chewed out by his parents and grounded for making such a fool of himself (and for once, he would have preferred to have been grounded), but his parents thought the whole thing too funny and decided not to punish him. And let's not even get started on his sister's endless jabs…
Dealing with his family's amusement at his expense was hard enough. Now, he was making his way to school, where, the last time he was there, just about everybody cast all the blame for the failure of the anti-bullying video solely on him. They accused him of being a fraud; they called poor Butters, the subject of the video, a violent psychopath after attacking Dr. Oz on live television when the host continued to pester him. Stan had gotten the whole school to participate in the video, and when it all crashed and burned, it reflected poorly on everyone involved and all of the love and support he had been getting instantly evaporated.
The campaign was stressful enough when everyone liked him, but when all his fellow students turned on him, Stan started to mentally crumble; each boo and insult was like an axe striking a support column. And when Stan was informed that Dr. Oz was suing the school, and suing Stan specifically, he snapped. He doesn't even really remember what went down, just that he was in the middle of school, then a blur of images, a strangely catchy song going off somewhere in the background, before coming back to his senses and finding himself nude on a street corner in San Diego as nearby bystanders whooped and applauded. Thoroughly embarrassed, he pulled himself together and redressed as the onlookers went down the block to observe another guy in the same predicament; some musical theater douche who made a video about some African warlord ended up jacking it in San Diego too. Apparently, that sort of thing was just a normal occurrence down there.
When Stan found out his little episode had been recorded and was now all over the internet, he knew for certain he would be the absolute laughingstock of the whole school. To go from being a beloved crusader against bullying to being despised as a phony to finally ending it all with the little reputation he had left stripped away and leaving nothing but a naked joke who would be mocked endlessly; Stan wished he could just hide in a dark room forever and never have to come out.
But here he was, standing just outside the school where inside would be his new torment. As much as he tried to mentally prepare himself, he knew it was futile. All of his friends and peers would take sadistic joy in his embarrassment and all Stan could do was endure it. Stan pushed open the school doors, bracing himself for the coming barrage of jeers, boos and insults.
Once inside, he saw it was crowded with students who took notice of his entrance. They all looked at Stan with varying faces of confusion, surprise, contempt and amusement. Making his way through the main hall, he could hear everyone whispering and giggling, staring and pointing at him.
Stan quickly realized that something was off. He expected a chorus of ridicule, not hushed gossiping and amused looks. It was as if they all knew something that he didn't. Stan was more nervous now than before he got to school. He then spotted Kyle, Kenny and Cartman, who, upon seeing him arrive, looked at Stan with similar faces of surprise, their eyes wide and mouths agape.
"Hey," Stan said.
The other three said nothing, only looking him up and down, still shocked and confused. Cartman suddenly brought his hands to his mouth to stifle a laugh.
"Ppppppffffff! No! No! Pffffhmhmhmhmhm! No! No! No fucking way!", he said through his hands.
Stan raised an eyebrow as the fat boy struggled to hold back his laughter. Kyle and Kenny started to giggle as well, the two briefly looking at each other before Kyle said, "Hey, Stan. Hehehehe. So…uh, what's up? Hehehehe. How was San Diego?"
Stan blushed and frowned. He figured Kyle would be a bit smug about correctly predicting the outcome of his whole campaign, but he didn't have to rub it in. Even now, the redhead had a kind of mischievous grin and Stan realized it wasn't just about San Diego.
"It was fine," Stan stated in a low voice. His friends had that same look that all the other students did; they knew something he didn't and found it funny. What the hell was going on?
"Uh, Stan?", Kenny said, "Did, um, did you…uh, are we forgetting something today?" He and Kyle snickered, as did the other students, and Cartman still had his face in his hands, trying his best to not burst out laughing. Stan merely looked at them in confusion. Clearly there was something more going on here…
"What are you talking about?"
"Well, I mean…it's a bit breezy in here, don't you think?", Kenny said with a toothy grin. Stan could hear some of the whispers from other students, things like "He hasn't realized it yet?" and "Holy shit! He really doesn't know!" Stan was starting to get annoyed.
"Okay, guys, what's so funny?", he said with a sigh. Kyle, trying desperately not to laugh, responded, "Oh, uh….hehehe….I guess we're just a little giddy today. Hehehe, it is a…pppffffhmhmhmhm….it is a….full moon after all!"
Kyle and Kenny giggled at that as Cartman looked like he was about to puke with laughter. Kenny then said, "Yeah, Stan. It's a bit early in the year to be….hmhmhmhmhm….getting ready for your birthday isn't it? Heheheheheeeeee!"
Stan was just about sick of their jokes and evasiveness. Something was going on and he wanted to know now!
"Will you shitheads please just be straight with me already!? Tell me what the hell is going on!"
Cartman couldn't hold back any longer and gleefully shouted out,
"Oh, for fucks sake, Stan! You're NAKED, dumbass!"
"What!?"
Stan looked down and saw that, indeed, he was totally naked in school, wearing only his puffball hat. "Oh my god!", he cried as he tried to use his hat to cover himself, his face turning red in embarrassment. All of his classmates finally burst out laughing.
"Hahahaha! Jesus, dude! How did you not notice!? Hahahaha!", said Kyle, "Did you forget your clothes in San Diego or something? Hahahaha!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Stan couldn't believe what was happening. He now found himself trapped in a circle, surrounded by a horde of students, all pointing and laughing at him. He was the center of attention in the worst possible way and he couldn't escape.
"N-no…please…stop laughing…I…I…I don't…I didn't….I…I…I thought I…," the dark-haired boy was utterly speechless, the torrent of laughter and mockery overwhelming him to the point of crying. The surrounding crowd seemed to get bigger, now including all grade groups and even the faculty, all laughing at him. His teacher, Mr. Garrison, emerged from the crowd, saying,
"Don't worry, Stan! We're not laughing with you! We're laughing AT you! Hahahahaha!"
Stan was totally at a loss. Alone, stark naked, his tear-soaked face burning in embarrassment, his heart pounding in his chest, his mind dizzy from the endless laughter…this couldn't get any worse!
Suddenly, he heard one laugh stand out from the rest and it sent shivers down his back. He turned around to see the laugh come from…
"Butters!?"
The sweet, innocent blonde boy, who was the subject of Stan's video; the one who Stan had come to care about deeply, for he had developed certain feelings for him that ran deeper than being a friend. Butters had joined the rabble and now he too was laughing at Stan.
"Hahahahaha! Look at you, Stan! Walkin' around butt naked! How embarrassing! Hahahaha! That's what you get for bein' a selfish prick and lettin' your bloated ego get to your head! What a stupid asshole! Hahahahahahahahaha!"
The hurtful words were like daggers getting shoved into Stan's chest, because they were coming from Butters. The one who Stan—
Suddenly, he noticed a spotlight turn on above him and he realized he was on a stage. A well-dressed man with a microphone walked out and said, "And for the complete and utter failure of his anti-bullying video, allowing his ego to cloud his judgement and, of course, for ending up naked and jacking it in San Diego, Stan Marsh is this year's winner for the 'Biggest Phony Lying Stupid Dumbass Naked Selfish Idiot Asshole Loser' Award! Let's all point and laugh at him, everybody! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Stan turned to see a massive auditorium filled with thousands of people. In the very front row was a VIP section and sitting in the very center of it was Butters, the blonde still laughing at him. Sitting with him was…Stan's family!? His parents and his sister…they were laughing at him! Around them were his friends; Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, Wendy, Craig, Token, Clyde, his entire class was there… and they were all laughing at him! Filling up the rest of the room was the whole school and what looked to be the whole fucking town! He was on stage totally naked in front of everyone, and they were all laughing at him! Stan was completely frozen in shock, crying and blushing as the tsunami of taunts completely overwhelmed him, the boy's head spinning. He so desperately wanted to just disappear into a quiet, dark void, never to be seen again, but he was trapped in this nightmare, totally exposed much to the enjoyment of the audience before him.
Suddenly, there were endless flashes of light, coming from people taking pictures. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, a giant screen suddenly appeared behind Stan and it played the video of him in San Diego, eliciting even more laughter.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"No! Nooo! NOOOOOOO!"
—
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
Stan awoke from his nightmare in a cold sweat. The boy's heart was pounding and his breathing was heavy. He instinctively patted around his body, relief setting in upon feeling his pajamas on him and noticing that he was in his bedroom. He brought his hands to his face with a heavy sigh.
"God fucking damnit…"
He looked to his alarm clock. 7:50 AM on a Sunday. At least he would have one more day of a little peace before having to go back to school. Stan was absolutely dreading it. He'd never be able to live this down…
His door opened and his mom walked in, saying, "Are you okay, Stanley? I heard you scream."
"Y-yeah, mom. I just….it was just a bad dream…that's all…" Stan answered, looking away ashamedly. Sharon smiled softly, feeling a touch of sympathy for her boy. The poor thing had put in so much effort into his little anti-bullying campaign, a bit too much in fact, to the point he let it get out of his control and have it all come crashing down on him. At first, she had joined in on her husband and daughter's fun and jokes regarding Stan's little naked episode in San Diego, but when he kept himself locked in his room the rest of that Friday and the entirety of Saturday, she felt a little bad and chose not to throw anymore jabs at him (she still found the whole thing incredibly funny though and had shared the viral video to friends and relatives on Facebook).
"Well, since you're awake, come on down and eat some breakfast. You aren't staying locked in your room forever," she said to him. He really didn't want to, but didn't have the energy to argue, mainly because he realized how hungry he was, so he relented.
Not bothering to put on his hat, he made his way downstairs to find everyone in the living room. Randy was in his chair with a cup of coffee, Shelley on the couch with Sharon joining her and Grandpa Marsh in his wheelchair. There were small tables set up, as they were having breakfast in the living room, watching TV.
"Hey, there's our sleepy little streaker!", Randy said jovially. Stan frowned in response. "Glad to see you finally out of your room. Take a seat and hang out for a bit. Your mom made us her delicious pancakes."
Stan was still a bit on edge, not wanting to deal with his family's taunts again. But he did need to eat something, and the smell of the pancakes was too enticing.
Well, maybe mom and dad will lay off on the jokes. But, Shelley…
Even now, his sister was looking at him with a mischievous smirk on her face. Oh boy, did she have a lot to say to her silly little brother. Stan took his seat on the couch between his mom and sister.
"The pancakes seem really good, mom. Thank you," Stan said quietly.
"Yeah, mom," said Shelley, "Your pancakes are always top notch. It never seems like you're jacking them up…."
Stan frowned at her as she snickered. Randy then said, "You know, with spring break on the way, I can probably put in some vacation time. Plenty of places we could go to. Let's see…how does San Diego sound? I hear it's a great place to take a load off."
Stan could only pout as his dad and sister giggled, his mom only placing a reassuring hand on his back as she tried not to join in.
"Everyone shut up!", yelled Grandpa, "The fucking TV's talking!"
"AND NOW CONTINUING OUR TOP TEN COUNTDOWN ON AMERICA'S STUPIDEST HOME VIDEOS!"
The family ate and laughed at the compilation of utter stupidity on the screen, with only Stan not taking part, opting to just quietly eat his breakfast. He was just too despondent to find any joy in anything at the moment. Before long, the countdown made it to number one,
"And now finishing off with the number one stupidest video! Every kid knows his birthday is the most important day of the year! Such a big celebration requires a nice suit!"
Stan briefly stopped zoning out to look up at the screen. His eyes widened and his heart froze at what he saw.
"Seems this kid figured that, for this occasion, what better suit than your birthday suit!? One thing's for certain: he is one happy boy!"
Right there on the family TV was none other than Stan Marsh, naked in public and dancing like a fucking idiot in front of millions of viewers…in front of his family. Stan was totally frozen as his sister broke out into a fit of laughter.
"HAHAHAHA! Look, turd! They actually got your naked butt on TV! HAHAHAHAHA!"
Randy burst out laughing as well while Sharon could no longer hold back her giggles, though she still felt a bit bad for Stan, who just sat there in shock, taking in the scene before him and the accompanying laughter from his family and the laugh track. Grandpa squinted a bit and said, "Hey Billy, that dumb kid on the TV looks just like you!"
"Because it is him, Grandpa!", said Shelley, "Stan ended up naked and jacking it in San Diego, and now his stupid naked butt has gone viral! HAHAHAHA!"
"Hahahaha! Oh my god, talk about peak comedy!" said Randy. He looked and saw his son's frozen expression and tried to give some words of comfort. "Oh, Stan, lighten up a little! Yeah, your little anti-bullying whatever didn't work out so well. But think of this as a good learning experience, son! It may seem bad at first, but you just have to learn to take it in stride and have a little sense of humor about it! Sometimes, you just need to ease up and have a good hardy laugh, you know? I mean, if you can't laugh at yourself, then who can you laugh at? Stan? Uhh…Stan?"
The boy continued to sit in total shock, staring at the screen even though the show was now over. Suddenly, his vision went dark and he fell backwards into the couch. Stan had momentarily blacked out. He quickly came back to his senses, snatched the remote off the table and changed the channel.
"And now for our next story, local elementary school student, Stan Marsh, who recently led an unsuccessful anti-bullying campaign, was filmed jacking it in San Diego. The video became an immediate sensation and has surpassed five-hundred million views on YouTube as of this morning!"
"God damn it!", Stan shouted, changing channels again.
"Want the perfect place to just relax and unwind, put all the troubles and stresses of life aside for a bit? Then come to San Diego! There's so much to see! From the sparkling waters of Mission Bay to the warm tortillas of Old Town! And when you're done sightseeing, why not try spanking it in one of our charming city streets? San Diego! Come! Take a load off!" As the narrator was saying this, Stan once again saw himself dancing naked on the screen. His naked breakdown was already being used for a fucking travel ad!
"Gaaahhh!", he growled angrily. He just turned off the TV and sat back with his arms crossed, a scowl on his blushing face. His mom thought it was just childishly adorable.
"Now, Stanley," Sharon said, "I know this is embarrassing for you right now, but do try and look at the bright side of all this…"
"Yeah, I mean, you have to admit that was a pretty good ad right there," said Randy.
"Damnit, what the hell is America's youth coming to!?", said Grandpa, "Absolutely no gratitude these days! When I was your age, Billy, I would have killed to have gone jacking it in San Diego! You don't know how lucky you have it, boy!"
The youngest member of the Marsh family couldn't take it anymore. Stan stood from the couch and turned to face them.
"Humor!? Bright side!? Gratitude!? Lucky!? Do you have any idea how humiliating this whole thing has been for me!? In case you guys didn't realize, you aren't the ones who had to have mental breakdown while naked on a busy street and then have it be filmed and viewed by millions of people!"
"Oh, come on, Stan!", said Randy, "That's just the day and age we live in. People go viral all the time and then go on to live perfectly normal lives. Give it about a week, and everyone will forget about you and move on to the next ten-minute sensation."
"Yeah? Well, the kids at school won't forget! They all hate my guts! They think I'm a fraud! They were all so excited to be a part of my video! I wanted to something good! Everyone liked me! And now that I didn't meet their expectations, that I let the whole thing crash and burn, they all hate me! And with this whole San Diego thing, I'm nothing but a naked, dancing joke to them! I'm a laughingstock! And to top it all off, Dr. Oz is suing the school, and he's suing me specifically! How am I supposed to deal with all that!? What bright side is there for me to look at!?"
Stan's face was a passionate red, his eyes were watery and he was breathing heavy. He so badly wanted to catch a break, but he kept having all this shit being flung at his face, and his family were still no help.
"Well, Stanley," said Randy, "That's what happens when you take big risks. Big risks can mean either big rewards or big consequences, it comes with taking on so much responsibility."
Stan couldn't believe. That was it? That was his dad's advice for his predicament?
"I'm ten years old, dad!", the boy cried.
"Well, that's not good enough, Stanley", said Sharon, "When you take on a big boy responsibility, you also have to take the big boy consequences. It was too much for you to handle and it's come crashing down, so now you just have to pick up the pieces."
Randy finished off with, "Besides, you can always earn money with your little paper route and maybe do a few jobs for the school. You can pay Dr. Oz and the school compensation that way. Granted, it might take a few years. Maybe…even…your whole life, and…ruin your entire future. But hey, take big chances, risk big losses, amiright?"
Stan could only stand there totally dumbfounded at his parent's lack of understanding. Hopeless, the boy dropped his gaze to the floor and clenched his fists. Shelley just couldn't resist the urge to mock her little brother for his predicament.
"Yeah, turd! You tried to put on some big boy britches and they were too big for you to take, now you're standing there with your pants down like a dumbass! Hahaha!"
"Shut up, Shelley….", the boy said in a low voice, eyes still downcast.
"You got in over your head and now Dr. Oz is going to sue you for everything you've got! Your toys, your games, your bed….I bet they'll even take away your clothes!"
"Shut up, Shelley!" He turned to face her now, his face red with anger.
"Hahaha! Yeah! You're gonna be naked, turd! They'll take away all your clothes and you'll have to do your paper route in the nude! And you'll have to go to school naked too! All your friends are gonna laugh at you as you walk down the hall buck naked! Haha! That'd be a sight, wouldn't it, dad? Watching Stan have to—"
"I'M NOT GOING TO SCHOOL NAKED YOU FUGLY ASS CUNT!"
"Stanley Marsh!", Sharon yelled, "You watch your language, young man!"
"GOD! I FUCKING HATE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!", the boy screamed before running back up to his room, slamming and locking the door behind him. Randy simply stated, "Well, someone sure did wake up on the wrong side of the bed."