Chapter Text
“Y-you want me to what?”
Morax, the god of geo, has recently been bored with his previous human lives. They were all the same to him. He made that contract hundred of years ago to shake his life up a bit, and so he thought to shake things up again with another contract, this time with the adepti. This time, he was gonna make a family, like no other.
Of course, doing so would be hard. Especially with the majority of the adepti, as they would have other plans, and so he went to what he thought would be the easiest to get first.
“You do not need to, if you do not wish to join my family.”
“No, i-it’s not like that,” Ganyu confusingly denies the old god, “It’s just that, this is all the sudden and-”
“I am not asking for you to be my wife, if that is what you are scared about,” Zhongli reaffirms, “Instead, I suggest you be one of my children.”
“T-that's still all of a sudden…” Ganyu starts, before being cut off by Zhongli.
“I assure you, your life will not change much.”
Ganyu sets her rectangular glasses down onto the desk, “You can’t just walk up to people and ask them to be their child Zhongli.”
“I do not see why I cannot.”
“Of course you don’t,” Ganyu sighs, rubbing her forehead, “ uh, p-picture yourself in that situation. What would you say?”
Zhongli frowns, “I would say yes.”
“O-of course you would,” Ganyu sighs again.
It’s not like she doesn’t want to, in fact, she probably will say yes, but this was a horrible time. Why would a god barge in during a really important meeting, demanding that she be his child?
Ningguang confusingly stares at the two, asking, “Do you have to do this right now?"
Hu Tao, at the other end of the table, giggles. The meeting was the making of a funeral parlor, as the other one had gone out of business. She intends to buy the same location it shut down in and use it for her own.
Ganyu looks over, “I-I am so sorry,-”
“No, it’s ok, but right now?”
Zhongli looks away from Ganyu and at Ningguang, “Of course, it is a very big life decision to be one’s child.”
Hu Tao raises her hand like she was answering a question in school, “And it’s a very big life decision to own and create a funeral parlor, Mr. Zhongli, I heard your name was. Say, you don’t have a job, do you?”
“Why, I do not.”
“Well, would you enjoy having one?”
“Why, it would be very helpful toward my goal.”
“Tell you what Mr. Zhongli, if this transaction goes through, you can be the vice director.”
Zhongli bows down and thanks Hu Tao, before going back to question his soon to be daughter.
“Sure, Zhongli, I-I’ll be your daughter, just please don’t interrupt any more meetings…”
“Thank you Ganyu,” Zhongli bows again, and then turns to Ningguang, “Is my daughter free currently?”
Ningguang very sarcastically says, “Yes, in fact, you may take her right now.”
Zhongli bows a third time, thanks Ningguang, and takes Ganyu against her will. When they close the door, Zhongli hears Hu Tao burst out in laughter.
~~~
Zhongli and his new found daughter stand in front of a supermarket. It isn’t anywhere near peak condition, in fact the sign was blinking, and had sparks coming out of revealed wires.
Ganyu gawks at the fact that her father just took her out of work to go shopping.
“Is there something wrong, Ganyu?”
“D-did you take me out of that important meeting to spend my money on food??”
“That, and to spend your money on a house. We should have both if we were to continue building the family, should we not?”
Ganyu suddenly has regrets about joining this family.
They enter the building alongside a red-haired tall man. His appearance is a mix between pretty, skinny, and strong. Zhongli takes note of this, and goes toward the box full of bananas, oddly enough where the other man goes. Ganyu goes off to get other groceries.
Zhongli stands and stares blankly at the yellow ripe bananas. The red-haired one just kinda stands behind him, as if he couldn’t walk around Zhongli. He saw the PERFECT banana bunch, and Zhongli was just standing there in front of them. He figured it’d be awkward to just sit beside him and take the bananas, then his arm would be right in front of, well, Zhongli’s banana.
“Heya handsome, could you move over a bit?”
Zhongli turns around hair flowing perfectly with the wind, face somehow even more perfect than the banana that the pretty boy saw. In fact, Zhongli was so hot that said pretty boy started sweating. His mind began racing, wondering what he was gonna do next.
“Were you referring to me, sir?”
Panic coats the pretty boy, “Oh, uh, n-no I was talking to my shoe,” he looks down, “OH, and look at that! My shoe is untied.”
He had no laces, and was praying that Zhongli didn’t notice. All he could do was to pretend to tie his shoe.
Ganyu walks over, “Oh, I didn’t know you liked bananas, Zhongli.”
“Yes, I do-”
The man with no shoe laces looks up, his face might as well had been painted red with how much he was blushing, “NO I WASN’T PROPOSING, I WAS TYING MY SHOE,” he takes off his laceless shoe and lifts it up, “SEE?!?”
Zhongli stares at the shoe, recognizing the fact that he has no laces.
Ganyu speaks up about it, “U-uh, you don’t have laces how were you tying your shoes?”
The man panics again, this time 10x as hard. He looks dead into Zhongli’s eyes before pressing his lips against his. They share this moment for a while, and in fact find it to be peaceful, as if Ganyu wasn’t screaming in shock. After a few minutes, their lips separate.
Zhongli looks at the man that just made out with him, asking “What is your name?”
The man leaps up onto the box of bananas, and announces to everyone in the store, “My name is Tartaglia, and I am not the eleventh Fatui Harbinger! My credit card number is 5732-3149-6969-8721, the security code is 420, and the expiration date is april 20th! Oh, and I absolutely take back what I said earlier about the proposal,” Tartaglia jumps down and kneels, taking off his ring and proposing, “So, hot and kind stranger, will you marry me?”
Zhongli had no clue who this man was, but he did need a spouse if he were to start a family, and this man was so familiar to someone he knew, what was it, 500 years ago? He still had the marriage certificate, which was somehow still intact.
Zhongli kneels as well, taking off one of his rings and lifting into the air, saying “Only if you marry me.”
The two switch rings, as the crowd goes wild. Roses are tossed in, and everyone claps around them, except for Ganyu, who is wondering how her new father managed to get married in such a short notice. Speaking of noticing, Childe notices Ganyu, and asks “Oh, who is that by the way?”
“That is our daughter, one of soon to be many.”
“Soon to be many??”
“Yes, and I will explain it later,” Zhongli says standing up, “but for now I ask, do you have a house?”
Childe is now regretting the proposal, and also stands up, “I- uh, yes??”
“How many rooms does it have?”
“Uh, too many?”
Zhongli smiles, “Good.”
Suddenly, Tartaglia regrets regretting about proposing. Zhongli’s smile was even more perfect than his entire face, which he thought was gonna be hard to beat but was proved very wrong.
“You may call me Zhongli,” Zhongli says, bowing down for the 90th time, “And this is Ganyu.”
Childe stares at his new fiance and his new daughter, questioning “So how many children do you expect to have?”
Zhongli thinks for a moment. He knew that he wanted to adopt Xiao and Qiqi, and maybe his new boss, although all of them would be hard to obtain into his family, and he might even want more. If director Hu doesn’t work out, then maybe he could go for another half adepti, like Yanfei. He could even go as far as adopting the other archons, Nahida and Barbatos to be specific. Who knows, he might even go for-
Childe interrupts his thinking, saying “I almost hate how long you are taking to answer my question, I just need a number.”
“Hm, I might go for just 3 more, but there’s a chance I’ll obtain more children along the way.”
“Alright, so I may have exaggerated the too many bedroom thing, there’s only 5 of them.”
“Why will 5 be too little? We are fiances after all, would we not share the same bed?”
Childe thinks about sleeping with a man he just met. On one hand, it’ll be kinda weird, on the other, Zhongli is the perfect man. He hasn’t seen a more perfect human being at all. Even for one night, it would be worth it to get that Zhongussy.
Childe sighs, knowing exactly what he’s getting into, and finally agrees to joining Zhongli’s family. Zhongli, of course, asks if he hadn’t already done that.