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Porrim wasn't malicious.
Although what she does mirrors too perfectly Cronus' disposition and behavior when with Mituna, it's different.
Although, even if I do not purposefully sought to bully my peers, I and him, we are alike.
I have changed so much during the years, Porrim says, I became more obnoxious because damn, Mituna is dating KurlozLatula for eternity! I will keep my vow of celibacy ongoing, for everything that was taken from me. So, of course I'm stressed out, and yet I will keep refusing Porrim's invasive heavy flirting.
I really can't do this any better without proper support. What's available is not proper support, don't even start.
Me and The Signless, we are both failures, but if only I rectify, if only I keep going, not even death will be able to stop me.
"You are a gh+ost, Kankri, accept it." No, and that's very body-centric of you, voice in my head that sounds suspiciously like Porrim. It's like you don't even want to try.
I'm not the Signless, I'm not a failure that leads everybody I care for close to death, I'm not someone that inspires the next revolution to be anything unlike peaceful, I'm not someone that drives to a revolution that worsens the edge between adults and the youth.
It's not so out of the world that I refuse to be those things. And what, now Aranea is a real pirate that mind controls my human mother figure to be a sex slave? Cronus, someone that kills lusus, the orphaner? Meenah, someone that orders all Yellow-Green to be extinct?
No comments about certain purple paladin.
How would I keep on my afterlife if I thought those trolls are fated to grow up and be terrible people? What utter moobeastshit just because they are from the cooler chaste, the way we are not allowed to change? What about me? I refuse to be fated a failure no matter how hard I try.
The only good thing it brought was Karkat, and even so, he was fated to come.
So, it's frustrating. To be compared, to be a failure, to try so hard and be interrupted. I was meant to be a leader, to do something in our section. Just because Meenah is moving on, doesn't mean I will abandon those assholes.
They should be grateful for that, if anything. But I shouldn't expect that from them when they can't understand even the basics of problematics.
Not in an ableist way. I just haven't finished my sermons to that point. It's valid to be ungrateful when you don't comprehend the point, and if only they kept on listening, I would be able to arrive to my point.
I am aware that it may be hard to follow when they are like Mituna or Meulin, and that's why I'm willing to accompany those sermons with Sign Language or a Too Long; Didn't Read by the end. The others don't ask for it, therefore I haven't had the chance of using those accommodations just yet.
Anyway. Where was I again? Cronus. He possibly worry me deeply because we both lost what was important to us, but I'm clearly coping much better and healthier than him.
To begin with, I'm not acting like Porrim does on purpose. If I acted like she did, she would surely begin to talk about feminism again while ignoring the whole societal and emotional context, maybe she would even pull a emotional labor from her ass even though it's her choice to be around me. And not using the privilege she has of having eyes to fucking look at a mirror.
Hashtag seeing privilege. Frankly, Porrim. Don't you put so much effort into being the sensitive one?
I did use to like Cronus when he was younger. He was cute, for however much a slur it is towards youth, sadly he fit the stereotype. A bumbling youth dressed as a wizard, throwing fits when us lower on the scale didn't pay attention to him on chat.
And then, something happen. Around the beginning of our game, he suddenly, dropped it? Something so important, and Cronus just let go.
I have suspicions but... No, it's dangerous to speak it aloud.
Who changed his mind? I just know that, all of sudden, he began to stick close when I was researching humanity after death, talking about how I'm so lucky that nobody expects anything of me, that I don't need to take up responsibilities, that I don't need to do anything and was born pitiful with red mutant blood... And all of sudden, he had "kin" feelings. Is he? Well, I'm sure he must be going through something, however suspicious that he calls himself someone with red blood after all he said. The implications of connection is disturbing though.
Does being a human makes it easier to handle the loss of interest in magic? But now the sense of never being at fault is rated to the max.
I do wish he didn't turn out to beg for relationships to the point of crossing boundaries. And he's aware of it, he has to be, because I explained to him tons of times what he was doing was heavily problematic and ignores body consent and autonomy. He knows when he does something wrong. He listens better than Porrim, and yet.
It's, of course, frustrating to him to let go, for whatever it is the clownish reason, of magic. But I cannot handle seeing him trigger people and then rely on me to fix a mess he doesn't regret making, whining to miss responsibility.
It's like he's doing it to get my attention, just like Porrim does.
I wouldn't mind his valid quadrant feelings if the only thing he took from my lectures wasn't how to trigger people without making me call him out on it. It makes everything harder than it is, Cronus does not respect that the others need my sermons as well, and I cannot keep on giving sermons that he just uses to be inspired in avoiding not being soothed.
Does he think I'm a pale prostitute?
Yes, it is a slur. But his thought crimes piss me off on the way they drip to his actions. It's not even pathetic anymore.
... I wish Mituna wasn't dating anyone. He really ruined me on having relationships at all, because Cronus and Porrim act all flirty and almost begging for a moirallegiance, while doing that, and all I can think of is... But I digress. Mituna and the Psionic are too different, and it's their similarities that drive me deeper into this vow.
Why do I have such bad luck on trolls interested on me? It's almost like something is deeply wrong, I'm being sabotaged.
It's like much more was stolen from me, and I can't grasp yet what it could be, every time it touches the tip of my gash's prong, it disappear like mist. Or maybe I just wave the idea away.
Because, how could it be? That would mean he knew the future somehow. Discouraging Cronus is one thing, but stealing future quadrants?
I refuse to believe that the Signless self one-upped me by not being stolen until it was too late. No, it's better to never have at all than to have and lose.