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Agent K ducked just as a red laser flew by where his head was a second ago. "Any time, J!" he shouted, returning fire.
"I'm a little busy at the moment!" J shouted back, struggling to free his arm from the giant purple pseudopod holding onto him. Finally, he wriggled free just enough to reach his gun. He aimed at what looked like the head of the giant gelatinous beast and fired. The head exploded and he plummeted to the ground amid a flood of purple goo. K, meanwhile, had dispatched the smaller ooze he had been fighting.
"Good job, kid," K said, wiping off a small amount of goo from his cheek with a handkerchief. He offered it to J.
"Uh, thanks," J said as he took it and wiped his eyes. "How come I'm the one who always ends up covered in alien goop?"
"Looks like it was a mother protecting her eggs," K said. He gestured to some large gelatinous purple balls. "We'd better get these back to HQ. And clean yourself up first, I don't want any goop in my car."
"Your car? We've been partners for a year. And stop calling me kid!" But J strapped himself in, looking forward to a long shower and a good night's sleep.
A few hours later, J was finally able to relax under a stream of warm water. He had just soaped up his hair when he heard a loud beep. It was Zed on the com. Hurriedly, he rubbed soap out of his eyes and got dressed in his suit. K was already waiting, of course.
"Come on man," he said to the bearded man who appeared on screen, "do you know how long it takes to get that alien shit out? I just got in the shower."
"Nevermind that," replied Zed. "We have a situation. Our team found this out in Central Park." An image of a spaceship flashed on the screen. It had a long fuselage, with two broad wings on either side.
"That looks like an older ship," K said. "But it's like nothing I've seen in this galaxy."
"Our friends in the neighboring galaxy haven't seen it either. I've got a team who's dealt with the ship, but the alien is nowhere to be found. I need you two to track it down."
"Is it dangerous?" J asked.
"Possibly. Best to take precautions."
"That's what I'm talkin' about! Precautions means guns! Can I take the rocket launcher?" J shot with his fingers.
"We'll find it and get it taken care of," K said. "And no rocket launchers, we need to be able to question it when we find it."
"Aw you're no fun." J and K stood up and headed to their vehicle, a classic black Cadillac. "I know, I know," said J, "Don't push the red button."
A half hour later, they arrived in Central Park. The ship was already gone, of course, having been taken back to HQ for processing and analysis.
"I don't see any tracks that look alien," said K. "It could be humanoid."
"I think we need to head East," said J.
"Why? Did you find a trail?" asked K.
"Naw, but there's some commotion over there at that store," said J, pointing to a cop car and a small crowd of people.
"Ok, let's go."
"Wait, wait, wait, you better let me do the talking, K. You know how you get, all serious and intimidating."
K scowled, but motioned for J to lead the way.
"Excuse me," J pulled a cop aside and flashed his badge. "I'm Agent Fitz and this is Agent Simmons, Crime Scene Investigation. You mind telling me what happened here?"
The cop furrowed his brow. "Well, uh…I'm sorry, I don't rightly remember. There was a thief who tried to steal some food, and uh…the details are a little fuzzy."
K frowned. "You don't remember anything? J, I mean Fitz, let's try some others. Ma'am, can you tell me anything?"
"There was a thief. And, um. Well I think he ran off that way," the woman pointed down the street.
"K, what do you make of this?" asked J. "Think the alien has some kind of telepathy?"
"Then why would he need to steal?" asked K. "Something doesn't make sense. But if he's on foot, he can't have gotten far. Come on."
The two got back in their car and rolled slowly down the street until they saw another small crowd.
"Sir?" K asked someone. "Can you-" then stopped. The person's eyes looked blank. "J, come take a look at this guy," said K.
"It looks like he's been flashy-thingied," said J. "But that's impossible, we just got here. Do you think Zed's team…"
"No, we're on the assignment" said K.
As they talked, the man blinked slowly and seemed to wake up. "I'm sorry, who are you?" he asked.
"Agents Starsky and Hutch," said J as K rolled his eyes. "We're investigating a thief. Did anyone come this way?"
The man frowned thoughtfully. "There was someone," he said slowly. "I remember a man running this way, and then I don't remember anything until you showed up. I'm sorry, I wish I could be of more help."
"Odd, isn't it, K? K?" J looked around to see K running down the street. "J come on! I've got someone!"
J sprinted after him, pulling out an immobilizing gun. He quickly caught up to them and soon realized it wouldn't be much of a chase. His quarry was wearing a long black robe and a black hat. There was a gold circle on her robe with a large black M inside it. The person reached inside of their robe and J fired. A blue beam hit the person squarely in the back and they fell, unable to move. K caught up to them, panting. "Nice one, sport."
"Whoa, is it Halloween or what?" J asked. He gingerly picked up what the person was reaching for, a thin black stick shaped into a simple design and polished until it gleamed. "What do you think, K? Seen anything like it?"
"There's no trigger that I can tell," said K, turning it round and round carefully. "Maybe our alien will have some answers for us, she's coming round."
The woman on the ground was stirring, fumbling for her weapon, then stopped as she saw J and K pointing a gun at her.
"Whoa, I don't want any trouble," she said. "I was, um, practicing for a play. Shakespeare in the Park. Now if you'll just give me my wand, I'll be on my way.."
"Not so fast," K said. "We were tracking down a thief. People said he came this way. You wouldn't know anything about him..or her…would you?"
"I'm not a thief, I promise!" she stammered. "But it's very important that I go."
"Go where? Back to your home planet?" J asked. "By the way, your English is very good for having just arrived on Earth."
She raised her arm. "Accio…"
"I wonder if your arm will grow back if I shoot it," said J.
"Wait…planet? What are you talking about?"
"Let's start from the beginning," K said. "What were you doing here?"
She sighed. "I was tracking down a thief. He's hit two stores and caused trouble already, who knows what the No-Majes will see next."
"No-Majes? You are an alien!" said J. "You'd better come with us, we can help you."
"Not an alien," she said. "Magical Congress of the United States of America." She pointed to her robe.
"Magical Congress..I've never heard of you," said K. "And I've seen things you wouldn't believe."
"Well, I've never heard of aliens, so I guess we're square."
"Ok, look," said J. "If you're from Earth, who was president last year?"
"Bill Clinton."
"What city are we in right now?"
"New York, and that over there is Central Park. I went on a carriage ride once with a guy who turned out to be a real creep."
J and K looked at each other. J looked at her big brown eyes and soft features. "I think we can trust her," said J.
"Of course you would say that," said K. "But witnesses did say they saw a man. Look, ma'am, if we give you this..stick…back, do you promise not to hurt us?"
"I promise," she said, "If you promise not to hurt me." She gestured towards the gun. "I told you who I am, now who are you?"
J put the gun away and K gave her back her stick.
"We're…the good guys," K said, reluctant to give too much information. "We track down dangerous er…people. Threats to the city."
"The Men in Black," said J. "We just fought off a giant alien blob."
"J!" K said sternly.
"K! She said Magical Congress, obviously another secret society. That's why the witnesses' memories were already wiped, right? I'm guessing that stick is a kind of neuralizer."
"I don't know what a neuralizer is," said the woman. "But I'm Abby. This stick is my wand." She held it up, mumbled a word, and the tip glowed. She sighed. "The trail is cold now. Why don't we have a cup of coffee? Something tells me we can learn from each other."
They walked a short way to a coffee shop and ordered. As they sat down, Abby pulled out her wand again and muttered, making a circular motion.
"There," she said, "now no one can hear us."
"That's quite a piece of technology," said K. "What else can it do?"
"How about you start?" Abby said, batting her eyelashes at J a little. "Tell me about your organization."
"Well," J said. "We deal with creatures from other worlds. When you look up at the sky, you see thousands of stars. Most of them have life on them and most of them just want to survive, just like us. Occasionally some will cause trouble and that's where we come in. Take that guy over there, he's about to put crystals on his food to make it digestible."
Abby watched as the man poured a packet of crystals onto his plate, then leaned over and licked it clean. She nodded. "And you make sure the general public doesn't know. That's why nothing's ever in the papers."
"Sometimes things get through to the tabloids," said J. "But no one ever believes those."
"I know what you mean," said Abby. "My work is very similar. Except instead of otherworldly life, I do damage control for wizards. That's what I am, you see. A wizard."
"A wizard?" K broke in. "Like in fantasy novels?" He scoffed.
"I could say the same about aliens," Abby said. "But yes, my wand is more than a piece of technology. It is my magical focus that helps me control my powers and cast spells."
"So what does this have to do with our thief?" K asked. "We were sent to find an alien from a crashed spaceship, not a wizard."
"And you think I'm crazy," said Abby. "That's funny, that's what I'm doing as well. There was a thief who was stirring up trouble. Apparently he used some kind of magic to steal some food. Witnesses didn't mention a wand, but they did see food flying through the air towards him. At the next site, he was asking odd questions about things like ships and spaceports. People said they compelled him somehow."
"But they were confused when we got there," said J.
"Oh yes, naturally I had to Obliviate them so they would forget all about the magic. You may have heard of a little thing called the Salem Witch Trials."
"Obliviate…a spell to make them forget?"
"Exactly."
"Well, this little chat has been fun," said K. "But I think it's time for us to go." He pulled out his neuralizer.
"Do we have to?" asked J. "She might be able to help us."
"It's protocol," said K. "We have a device that helps us vanish," he told Abby. "If you'll look right here…" He pointed to the tip of the neuralizer and pressed the button, which flashed and fizzled.
"Does it take some time?" asked Abby curiously.
"It's not supposed to do that," said K, shaking it.
"Technology doesn't work around wizards," Abby said. "It's unfortunate, I'd love to know about the whole Ross and Rachel thing. Will they ever get together?"
"Maybe we can help each other," said J. "With both of our organizations searching, we're bound to find this guy."
K frowned. "I don't like it, but I don't see any other option," he said. "And of course I'll forgive you if you need to Obviate us or whatever it was."
"No need," said Abby. "We're both sworn to secrecy, I think we can trust each other. If you need to contact me, you can send a carrier pigeon to Abby Johnson. It will know where to find me."
"And if you need to contact us, just phone this number…can you use a phone?" J asked and Abby nodded.
"We've had training in basic No-Maj technology, yes," she said.
They smiled at each other as K rolled his eyes and sighed. "Come on, we have research to do," said K.
"She's pretty fine though, right?" said J as they walked to their car. "I think she was into me!"
Back at Headquarters, J and K finished debriefing Zed, leaving out the details about the MACUSA.
"So the trail went cold," Zed said sternly, "because you were questioning someone playing dress-up and J was flirting. Do I have that right?"
"We'll fix it!" J said. "We know he's a humanoid and he's looking for a spaceport. Where's the closest one that a citizen might know about?"
Zed thought. "Probably Wallops Island, VA. There's a ship that leaves for there from Staten Island every morning and every night. But that doesn't give you much time. Get going!"
"I'd better contact Abby," said J. "If our alien is some kinda space wizard, we'll need her help too."
He walked along shouting, "Anyone know where I can get a carrier pigeon?"
K looked after him, remembering how he felt when he met his wife. "I hope for his sake this is finally the girl," he thought. He got up to collect any weapons and defenses that might help.
J and K stood under the large ferris wheel on Staten Island.
"You know that used to be a spaceship?" said K.
"Really?" J answered.
"Really. They left it here as a gift in exchange for diplomatic immunity."
"Huh, that's-"
Suddenly, there was a loud pop right next to them and Abby appeared out of thin air. K startled, while J jumped back about a foot.
"Gaah! You sure do know how to make an entrance!"
Abby chuckled. "I like to be prompt," she said. "It's the Thunderbird in me."
"Thunderbird, right," J nodded emphatically.
Abby chuckled again. "So you think our thief might be here tonight?"
"Our best guess is that he's headed for the spaceport in Virginia," said K. "Which means taking the boat."
"I think we'd have a better view from up there," J said, pointing to the Ferris Wheel. "What do you think, Abby?"
"All right," she said, smiling.
The ferris wheel carried them up and around.
"I forget how beautiful the city can be sometimes," said J. "It's so easy to focus on the ugly details."
"I know what you mean," said Abby. "No-Majes really can do a lot without magic, it's amazing."
"So tell me more about magic," said J. "We have all kinds of alien technology, but they're very specific uses. Like the gun I used to knock you out. Sorry about that, by the way."
"Well, a wizard like me gets trained in school. There's one here in America and others around the world. We get sorted into houses based on our characteristics. I'm a Thunderbird, which means I like adventure."
"I like adventure too," said J. "That's why I'm in Men in Black. I used to be a policeman, but then I found out about the larger world and couldn't turn back. In fact, I sat on a bench a lot like that one down there when K told me everything. Tell me more about magic and spells."
"There are spells for everything! Here's one for light: Lumos." Her wand tip lit up the car. "Nox." The wand tip went dark. "And the Apparition spell, which lets me travel instantly."
"I wish there was a tracking spell to help us catch this guy," J said. "It's like looking for a needle in a haystack."
"Oh!" said Abby. "There is something. Only Obliviators are taught it, in the wrong hands, it could be misused. Magio revelio majorus!" She waved her wand in increasing spirals, finishing with a flourish. "There," she said proudly.
"What did you do?"
"I made it so I can tell all the Magic users from the non-magic users. If someone uses any kind of magic, I'll be able to see it. The No-Majes are glowing blue and the wizards are glowing yellow. If someone uses magic, they'll glow red."
"Wow!" said J. "It's like a thermal imager! That's something we can use to tell humans apart from aliens. At least the cold-blooded ones."
"There's another spell, too," said Abby, leaning in close. "It pulls what we want towards us."
"Oh yeah?" J said, leaning a little closer and looking into her eyes. "And what's that?"
"Accio. Accio J."
J leaned in and they shared a kiss as fireworks shot off nearby.
"Hey girl, so listen, if you're not doing anything tomorrow, I'd like to see you again." J said.
"I-wait!" Abby said, "I see something! There!" She pointed at the same time they heard distant shouts from below. J saw a flash of green. A gun? But it was moving strangely.
"Hold on!" shouted Abby as she grabbed J and jumped out of the car, pointing her wand and yelling "Arresto Momentum!"
"Whoo!" shouted J. "What a rush!" He, K, and Abby ran through the crowd. Abby yelled "Protego!" and the agents felt the air harden around them. Ahead of them, green light was weaving back and forth.
"Out of my way!" the wielder was saying. He held up one hand and made a pushing motion. Several people were thrown back against each other. With the other hand, he held a long glowing stick that he waved around threateningly. It singed the clothes of people who got too close. J recognized a guard named Wilhelm, who attempted to stop him and screamed when the light got too close and severed his arm.
"Wilhelm! Are you ok?" J said.
"It's ok, the arm will grow back," Wilhelm said. "Just do what you can about him." He gestured with his other arm.
The light swung toward the agents and Abby, but bounced off of their shields.
Abby sent jets of red light from her wand, which the man deflected with his light. "Please let me through!" he said. The belt on his tunic had come undone and his boots were moving frantically on the ground. His hand made a grabbing motion and J felt himself being pushed up and away.
"Arresto momentum!" Abby said, stopping his fall. K took the distraction to shoot his own weapon at the man, which he again deflected with his light.
Abby, K, and J all stood in a semicircle, weapons warily pointed at the man. He waved his hand and said, "You will let me pass."
"Why would we do that?" asked Abby.
The man looked surprised. "Um…that was supposed to work. Please, I just want to get home. I have no idea where I am and these people are all so strange. Look, if you put down your blasters and I put down my lightsaber, I'll explain, all right?"
Abby, J, and K looked at each other.
"We just want to help," said K. "We're lowering our weapons and we'll talk, ok? I just need to make a quick call." He spoke into his cell phone. "I need a situation contained, please at Staten Island. Yes, thank you."
J and K lowered their guns and the man lowered his, the light disappearing suddenly with a shhhk.
"Relashio!" Abby said suddenly, ropes coming out of her wand and binding the man. She shrugged at the surprised expressions. "Just a precaution," she said.
"My name is Galven. I'm from a planet called Coruscant," he said. "There, I'm known as a Jedi."
"A Jedi? Is that your race of people?" said K.
"Kind of," said Galven. "The Jedi believe in a power called The Force. We can channel it to protect ourselves and others."
"Like wizards," said Abby.
"Yes, it can be pretty wizard sometimes," said Galven, smiling. "But I got into a bit of trouble with some smugglers. I was attempting to return some cargo they'd stolen to its rightful owner. While trying to escape, I flew too close to a wormhole and ended up here, on this strange planet."
Behind them, men in black suits and sunglasses appeared and started gathering the crowd.
"What is this wormhole?" asked Abby. "There are worms up there in the skies?"
"It's a hole in space and time," said Galven. "A rip in the cosmos. It's unpredictable where it will take you, so we try to avoid them when we travel."
"This way, please! Everyone look over here," the men in suits were saying.
Abby gasped. "A hole!" she exclaimed. "Our astrologers have seen this hole. They said it was an omen of something dangerous about to happen. They must have meant you."
J frowned. "There was a wormhole that opened up a few days ago, but it closed almost immediately."
Behind them, a large flash illuminated the crowd and they walked away, dazed.
"We can offer you asylum," K said, "if you don't mind staying on Earth. You certainly wouldn't be the first alien. Now, you did steal and threaten the public but since those offenses are minor, I think we can make a case as long as you come along quietly."
"Wait a minute!" Abby said. "You can't do that! He's a magic user, he needs to come with me. We have our own laws for this sort of thing." She smiled at J.
"Maybe she has a point, K," J said. "We haven't seen powers like his before."
"It's protocol," K said. "We've certainly seen worse."
"Well," said Abby, "I tried. And J…" she leaned in close, still holding her wand.
"Yes?" he breathed, leaning closer.
"I really wish we could be together, but it would never have been possible." She lifted her wand. "Obliviate."
When J and K came to a minute later, Abby and Galven were gone.
"Ohh, my head," said J. "What happened?"
"I'm..not sure," said K. "I feel like I've been neuralized. One minute we were chasing down the thief and next minute, he was gone."
"We'd better get back to HQ and regroup," said K.
When they got back, there was chaos. "Where have you been!" shouted Zed. "There was a blackout for a whole 30 minutes. Aliens got loose. Computers are on the fritz! We need your help to get everything back in order."
"What about the crashed ship? Is that still here?" K asked.
"What ship! What are you talking about? There's no ship! Except the one you'll be on if if you don't get your asses in gear right now!"
"On it, chief!" J and K said, getting to work.
But as J was rolling an alien back to its cell, he caught a glimpse of a woman in a black robe and black hat raising her wand. She caught his eye and winked at him. "It really is too bad," she said, right before she turned on the spot and disappeared. J felt a sense of deja-vu accompanied by a knot in his stomach and the feeling he had lost something.
"J! Let's go!"
J shrugged it off and sighed. No rest for the weary.