Work Text:
“Why didn’t you call me?” he asks softly as she’s facing away.
She knows the question has been burning his lips since she told him what happened in her office. She knows it’s not reprimand, but disappointment and hurt that she didn’t trust him enough to tell him.
“Because…I knew you’d try to protect me.” She switches cabinet, keeping herself busy, and most importantly keeping her face hidden from him.
She starts to wonder if she can handle this tonight, after everything. Her heart speeds up and her hands start shaking.
“And there’s something wrong with that?” he pushes.
She bites her lips, because there isn’t a right answer for this. No, there’s nothing wrong with him wanting to protect her. It’s in his genes, she knows that. But yeah, it’s somewhat wrong because they aren’t partners anymore, and he stopped protecting her for ten years, which forced her to stop relying on him for that.
Her silence tells him she acknowledges his desire to be there for her, but that she still has a hard time letting him in. Elliot wants to show her he is *here*, to stay, and that she can trust him. He needs to show his emotions and be vulnerable, if he wants her to do the same.
“I care for you.” He adds, after a moment of hesitation.
Olivia stops fidgeting for a second. His voice is so deep, intimate. Elliot (almost) never talks to her like this. That’s when she realizes that he’s done running from this. He’s opening the door between them tonight. Her breath catches in her throat as one of her hands goes to her lips in an attempt of keeping her emotions in check. As much as his words are freaking her out, she feels a warmth spreading in her chest. God, tonight isn’t the night to lose control…as much as she wants to fall into his arms and forget everything bad in the world, they still have so much to talk about.
Elliot sees her freeze at the last cabinet. He knows she heard him, loud and clear. The fact that she’s not dismissing his statement is in itself a victory. But he also knows Olivia Benson. Her whole life, her relationship with love and care has been patchy at best. He also knows part of her shielding herself is a direct effect of his absence, and as much as he hates himself for it, there is nothing he can do more than being here and telling her he cares for her, at least for now.
“Liv, look at me.” He presses, walking around the kitchen island.
He desperately needs her to see he’s serious, to understand (and believe) what he’s saying right now. This is it, their big turning point, Elliot decides.
She’s still ignoring him, and it would be cute to him, if this wasn’t so important.
“Here it is.” She finally turns and looks up, surprised by their closeness.
The look they share is profound, intense, caring, full of desire but coated in fears. Elliot tries to convey how much she means to him, how much he’s ready to fight for this, for them.
“I care for you.” he repeats inches from her face.
Olivia takes her time to study him. She feels it, his caring, his love for her. And then she’s overwhelmed when the same feelings spread though her whole body. She has a weak moment when she feels his hands fall on her waist and pull her slightly to him. She sighs into him, everything is too much to handle in her exhausted state.
“Olivia…” he whispers, half question, half moan.
She closes her eyes in defeat. Elliot feels her retract but doesn’t want her to run away because of her fears…he keeps her close gently, their faces touching, and she’s letting him.
Olivia is dizzy as she’s conflicted between her heart and her mind. She grabs his upper arms first, to steady herself, but when it’s not enough, she slides her hands to his face pulling him into her more. She presses their foreheads together, thinking that’s as far as she’s willing to let herself go, but his breath on her skin makes her head spin even more.
“Elliot…” she tries to regain control of herself. “Elliot…I want to…”
Stabler’s breath hitch then. Olivia just admitted to him that she wanted this as much as him. He can’t help himself and brings his lips to her right cheek. Careful not to kiss it so definitively, just brushing her skin and falling into her more.
“I want to…but I can’t…” she whispers, because it hurts her to tell him as much as it hurts him to hear it.
They’re breathing hard against each other now, but Elliot stops respectfully. He can’t let her go just yet, so he keeps his hands on her waist when he pulls back his face to look at her. She looks devastated but he has to respect her boundary.
“Why not?” he implores her not to run away.
“Because…what if it doesn’t work out?” she states her fears. Their breathing is still heavy, hanging on each other in the middle of her kitchen. “I can’t lose you again…”
She pulls his forehead back to hers. God she wants him so much. But she could never live with herself if they didn’t work out and he had to leave her, leave Noah and her. She just can’t take that chance.
Elliot grabs her waist more forcefully in desperation. He completely understands her fears. And he knows he can’t repair this with just words. He needs to show her that he wouldn’t ever leave her or Noah. But again, this was Olivia. She had lived through so much, never getting a real happy ending. He knows how she sees the world, with this pessimistic eye. And so, not ready to give up on them just yet, he tries to shift to an optimistic scenario.
He separates their faces to make sure she looks at him when he speaks.
“Yeah, but what if things work out?”
Please, let’s try this, Olivia. He begs with his eyes. He sees her register the hope, but the dark clouds return a second later.
“Elliot, I’m not ready for this…” she starts shaking her head. “I’m not ready for this…” her body falls into him, her cheeks going back to his, contradicting her words. But then she pulls away completely, stepping back to the counter behind her. Elliot lets he go with an understanding expression.
“It’s okay, Liv…” he tells her, because it totally is.
“I’m not ready for this…” she repeats again, half sinking on the fridge next to her, exhausted.
They stand a few feet from each other. As much as Elliot wants to warp up into a hug, he needs to give her space. He curses at himself as he registers the level of vulnerability she’s in tonight. What was he thinking, pushing her while she was way past exhausted and after the weeks she’s had? He closes his eyes and shakes his own head in shame.
Barely standing on her feet, Olivia sees him shake his head and feels even worst about what she’s putting him through.
“I’m sorry…” she says, tears in her voice, thinking he’s feeling rejected.
“No.” he’s more forceful than she expects with his tone. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed. It wasn’t right of me to corner you with this while you’re dealing with so much.” He rubs his face with one of his hands and she understands he’s feeling guilty.
“It’s okay. I wanted to. I want to. I’m sorry I’m sending mixed messages…” she winces.
“Don’t. I understand. Really.” He waits for her to take in his words.
Olivia nods softly but her eyes water. She hates that she’s rejecting him, because that’s the opposite of what she wants right now. But she’s paralyzed with fear and the exhaustion of the last few days prevents her to act and speak rationally. She’s the one running a hand on her face now, erasing the few tears that got out.
At this point, Elliot can’t just stand back.
“Come here.” He invites, arms opening for her and stepping tentatively closer.
Olivia knows he would never push for something more and that this hug is simply that, a hug between friends, close friends, who are dealing with a lot of emotional stuff tonight. She falls into his embrace easily, her arms sliding up and around his shoulders as her face is buried into his neck.
She feels Elliot pull her into him as if he would never let her go, and that brings in even more tears. She lets them fall, as he rocks her gently. This is not desperation anymore, it’s care, and love. And exactly what they both needed tonight.