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It's Friday and Jiang Yuelou is leaning against the back of the sofa, his fingers digging into the upholstering while he can hear the water running in the shower. When Chen Yuzhi comes out later, he will ask him. Get it all out. Maybe fall to his knees and just beg. Anything, so long as Chen Yuzhi doesn’t walk out of the front door into the arms of someone else to never return.
<>.<>.<>
It all starts on Friday a week earlier.
That’s the first time Jiang Yuelou notices a small secret smile playing on Chen Yuzhi’s lips while he’s reading something on his phone. When Jiang Yuelou asks him why he’s smiling, his lover looks up and shakes his head with a soft smile, saying it was just some stupid GIF. The next time, he says he’s just read something funny. The next time he says it’s a message from Yu Tangchun that made him smile. Jiang Yuelou never gets to see any of these though. And that’s what really gets to him. Chen Yuzhi always shares these things with him – and now it’s just that mysterious small pleased smile.
Jiang Yuelou doesn’t for a moment distrust Chen Yuzhi. He loves that man more than he can ever put into words, but it irks him somehow that his lover has started to keep secrets from him. They’re probably not really secrets. If he asked Chen Yuzhi to show him whatever made him smile, he would probably do so. Right?
The weekend is the next step.
Jiang Yuelou is on weekend duty, which is not great for both of them, because during the week Chen Yuzhi is usually claimed by his patients and comes home late and tired, usually snuggling up to Jiang Yuelou on the sofa or laying his head in his lap, and falling asleep while Jiang Yuelou reads a book or watches something on TV. Jiang Yuelou loves these moments, because they feel so much like the home he never thought he would ever have.
So, weekends are the only time when they can go out or spend the whole day together. In the beginning of their relationship that mostly meant spending half the day in bed drunk on each other’s body. Now, after five years, weekends mostly mean going out for dinner or for a walk, cuddling on the couch, meeting friends, cooking together followed sometimes by something more like their earlier routine.
Jiang Yuelou, therefore, hates leaving Chen Yuzhi alone on weekends, even though his lover never complains about the lack of time together. The same this week. In fact, Chen Yuzhi smiles at him and kisses Jiang Yuelou after he tells him he’s going to enjoy a lazy Saturday night on the couch.
It’s just that a few hours later, when Jiang Yuelou and Song Rong are on their way to break up a street brawl downtown that they are driving down one of the main roads and Jiang Yuelou looks out of the window. It’s then that he sees him. Immediately recognizing first his gait, then his beige coat and then his face. Walking with him is Chu Min, Chu Ran’s younger brother. They are both talking animatedly and Chen Yuzhi looks so happy…
Jiang Yuelou doesn’t attach too much meaning to this event. Because, after all, Chen Yuzhi can of course spontaneously meet up with someone without Jiang Yuelou, and the street brawl is a pretty nasty affair.
What irks him is the next morning when he asks Chen Yuzhi what he’s been up to last night, and he claims to have watched TV all evening. That irks him because it’s a lie, and because it’s the first time Chen Yuzhi has ever lied to him. If he was meeting a friend, why lie about it? On Sunday morning Jiang Yuelou can’t ignore the little oddities he’s noticed anymore, because they decidedly point to one possibility: Chen Yuzhi might be having an affair. Chen Yuzhi might leave him. For someone else.
The thought that Chen Yuzhi could one day walk out of their shared flat with a suitcase in hand and a soft sad smile on his face only to fall into the arms of someone else shakes up everything for Jiang Yuelou. Chen Yuzhi is his everything, his best friend, his lover, his family, his home. Chen Yuzhi is like a vital organ that has replaced his old heart. To remove it would be the end of him.
Suddenly the threat, this huge monster of a threat, has taken a hold of Jiang Yuelou’s soul, and everytime he looks at Chen Yuzhi it gnaws a little more at his core. There is this ominous pleased smile on Chen Yuzhi’s lips. There is the way he tilts his phone display away from Jiang Yuelou when they are lying on the sofa in the evening. There is that one call Chen Yuzhi doesn’t answer and afterwards sneaks a furtive glance at Jiang Yuelou.
By Wednesday he’s sure. Chen Yuzhi comes home much later than usual, looking tired but happy. When Jiang Yuelou asks him why he’s been so long, he replies that he wanted to finish the paperwork. Jiang Yuelou would love to believe him, but the way his lover smiled at that other guy, this Chu Min, just keeps reappearing in his brain, whether he wants it there or not.
Jiang Yuelou is well aware that his 40th birthday is coming up, and that Chen Yuzhi is so much younger than him. Maybe after five years, he’s had enough of being with an old boring police officer with psychological issues. Maybe it’s really selfish of Jiang Yuelou to hold him back further. He loves him enough that he would give him this freedom, no matter how his own heart would break. But not having Chen Yuzhi in his life anymore…
Thursday night, when they are both lying in bed next to each other, Chen Yuzhi with a book in hand, his reading glasses on, Jiang Yuelou gazes at him with a sudden burning desire fueled by the horror of possibly losing this precious man. He leans over to kiss Chen Yuzhi’s neck, then sucks at his earlobe. Chen Yuzhi giggles a little because he is totally ticklish even if he claims he’s not. But when Jiang Yuelou’s fingers make their way to the buttons of his pajama shirt, Chen Yuzhi lightly bats his fingers away and laughs saying he’s really too tired tonight.
Jiang Yuelou nods with a slightly curt ‘good night’ and rolls over onto his side. But sleep doesn’t come easy to him with his heart falling into the endless pit of what it means to not be wanted anymore, to have been replaced by someone younger, more attractive, more interesting. When Chen Yuzhi turns off the light and snuggles up against Jiang Yuelou, he starts crying. Because who knows how often he can still have this before these arms wrap around someone else’s waist, before someone else finds out where Chen Yuzhi is ticklish – if they haven’t already. It kills him.
On Friday morning, Jiang Yuelou observes every movement of his lover like it’s the last time he is blessed with such luxury. The way he raises his arms above his head when he stretches in the morning. The way he furrows his brows when he drinks his tea and thinks about the patients he will call on. The way his lips feel against Jiang Yuelou’s when he has to leave for work, the little smile that only Jiang Yuelou ever gets.
Work is horrible on that day. Jiang Yuelou would love to have a street brawl today, best if he could join in. But then he feels like all the energy has flown out of his body. For the first time ever he feels like 40. His colleagues seem to notice his odd mood, because even Jin Dacheng behaves like a normal human being for once, and Sun Yongren treads like on glass-shards.
If it were anyone else, anything else that upsets him, Jiang Yuelou’s first reaction would be anger. Something he could get rid of with a long run. But losing Chen Yuzhi is like a slow torturous death which only leaves him wanting to curl up in a corner of the room and stay there.
His birthday is tomorrow. When he thinks about it, maybe Chen Yuzhi is just staying because of that, not wanting to ruin Jiang Yuelou’s ‘big day’ as Chen Yuzhi keeps calling it. He’s considerate enough to be this cruel.
Like in slow motion, Jiang Yuelou drags himself home. For the first time in his life with Chen Yuzhi, he does not want to see him, does not want to return home. A home that will soon no longer be one. Chen Yuzhi is nowhere to be seen first, but then Jiang Yuelou hears the water run in the shower. As a last desperate attempt, he presses the handle. Chen Yuzhi always loves it when they shower together, saying it’s his private little fantasy even though Jiang Yuelou prefers to have more space than the small cubicle allows for. The door is locked.
That’s the final nail. Chen Yuzhi has never ever before locked the door when he’s taking a shower, always keeping it a possibility that Jiang Yuelou might join him after all, not knowing when and whether it is going to happen is something Chen Yuzhi said he loves. Now he’s no longer wanted in this little fantasy of his. Chen Yuzhi has locked him out. Out of the bathroom, out of his smiles, out of his secrets, out of his life. Jiang Yuelou has been locked out.
He walks back to the living room and leans against the back of the sofa, his nails digging into the upholstering. He needs to know now, needs to hear it. Better have the sledgehammer than these little pinpricks that are driving him insane.
At some point the door to the bathroom unlocks and Chen Yuzhi comes out fully clothed in slacks and a beautiful white shirt. He looks a little startled when he enters the living room and sees Jiang Yuelou standing there. For a long silent moment Jiang Yuelou just gazes at him, drinking in his appearance for the last time, even though his heart might already be with someone else.
“What’s wrong, Yuelou?” Chen Yuzhi breaks the silence, his brows furrowed.
“Yuzhi,” Jiang Yuelou finally speaks up, even though his mouth feels like it’s stuffed with steel wool, “I know I’m a little too old for you and I’m pretty boring, and I work a lot and I’m hard to handle. I understand if you want someone younger, even if it’s just for- you know- physical things. I understand that, really. And I will not stand in your way, even though that’s not easy for me. Everything you want, baby, but please, don’t leave me.” His voice starts shaking. “I don’t know how to live without you, I-. You’re everything for me, Yuzhi. I will leave the police force if that’s what’s bothering you. Anything. Just please- please don’t leave me.”
And then he can’t stop it anymore. Hearing his own voice just speaking out the horrible possibility of losing Yuzhi opens the floodgates he’s been desperately trying to keep shut. His eyes begin to burn and before he knows it, he’s crying.
“Yuelou?” Chen Yuzhi’s blurred feet running towards him are all he sees before his face is pressed against his warm firm chest and his warm arms tightly wrap themselves around him. Jiang Yuelou begins to sob in his lover’s warm hold. He doesn’t think he can bear losing this embrace, losing his smell, his smiles, his little quirks, his raised eyebrows and rolled eyes, his warmth, his voice. Jiang Yuelou wraps his arms around Yuzhi’s back, clinging on to him for as long as he still can.
“Yuelou, what are you talking about? I’m not leaving you.” Chen Yuzhi whispers against Jiang Yuelou’s hair, kissing and nuzzling it.
“I saw you, Yuzhi. With someone else. You lied to me. You- you keep secrets from me. You don’t like me touching you anymore. You lock the door when you shower. You- Please don’t leave me.” Jiang Yuelou manages to force out between sobs against the fabric of Chen Yuzhi’s shirt, digging his fingers harder into Chen Yuzhi’s clothes.
“Is that what you were thinking?” Chen Yuzhi whispers back, pulling Jiang Yuelou even closer. “I’m so sorry, baobei. I’m so sorry.”
And then, with gentle but firm hands Chen Yuzhi takes Jiang Yuelou’s hands and forces them off himself, at least enough so he can look his lover in the eyes. Jiang Yuelou can’t bear his sincere gaze, not with his own eyes all red, his nose snotty and his face flushed and ugly. This face right now is just another reason to leave him.
“Actually that’s not how I planned it, but I never thought you’d read the situation in this way.” With a soft smile, Chen Yuzhi kisses his forehead and goes down on one knee.
Jiang Yuelou stares at him with startled eyes.
“Jiang Yuelou, I’ve been meaning to do this later tonight in a different setting, but then I’m happier to just do this in our home with only you here.”
His hand dives into his pocket, finding something in there and holding it out for Jiang Yuelou to see – a ring. A simple elegant silver ring.
“Baobei, I love you more than anything. I love you when you’re grumpy and when you’re happy. We’ve been through so much together, you’ve been my strength and my place of comfort. You are my happiness and my pleasure. I want to spend the rest of this life with you, and the next one and all the lives after that. Will you marry me, Jiang Yuelou?”
For a moment, Jiang Yuelou just stares at the ring and Chen Yuzhi’s slightly flushed beautiful face, not understanding anything that’s happening.
“You are not leaving me?” he whispers.
Chen Yuzhi shakes his head, “I’ll never leave you as long as I live, baobei. And I would never cheat on you. Who on this earth could be better for me than you?”
Jiang Yuelou blinks again. “You want to marry me?”
“Absolutely. Right now if I could.” Chen Yuzhi laughs. “But the question is if you want that or-”
He never gets to finish this sentence because Jiang Yuelou throws himself into his arms, both of them landing a little awkwardly on their backs on the living room floor. But Chen Yuzhi doesn’t get to protest if he wants to, because Jiang Yuelou immediately captures his lips with his own, without the intention of releasing them anytime soon.
He drinks in everything, the feeling of his warm, soft lips, his soft beautiful skin, his thick hair, his laughter underneath him, his arms, his husband.
After he’s made sure ten times that Chen Yuzhi really wants to marry him, and Chen Yuzhi has reassured him ten times that this is his biggest wish, he slowly begins to understand.
“I actually wanted to take you out tonight under some pretense and then, surprise, all our friends would be there. And then at midnight, when it’s your birthday, I wanted to propose to you.” Chen Yuzhi says with Jiang Yuelou’s very own small tender smile, Jiang Yuelou still lying on top of him, still on the floor, holding onto his future husband like he could change his decision any moment.
“Why did you lie to me?” he finally mutters against the fabric of Chen Yuzhi’s shirt that’s still moist from his tears a little earlier.
“I’m really sorry for this, but I was not prepared when you asked me. I could have come up with a better excuse but Chu Min kept the jewelry store he works in open longer, so that I could check which ring would suit you. He sent me pictures of a few on Wechat, but I wanted to see them properly.” Chen Yuzhi’s fingers slowly card through Jiang Yuelou’s hair while he’s speaking. “I’m sorry, I made you worry.”
“I was sure you were having an affair. All these secret smiles, seeing you with someone else, your lie… I was sure you were going to walk out on me any minute.” It’s easier to say this against Chen Yuzhi’s chest with his heart beating under his ear and his arms holding him and caressing him.
“I’m so sorry, baobei. It was all about planning tonight and finding the perfect ring for my perfect husband.” Chen Yuzhi kisses his lover’s hair and rolls onto his side so that Jiang Yuelou and him are both lying on the floor, facing each other.
“I’ve never wanted to be someone’s anything. But being Jiang Yuelou’s husband is the biggest honor you can do me, baobei.”
Jiang Yuelou gazes at Chen Yuzhi’s beautiful hazel eyes, not sure how he has deserved this kind of happiness in life when his lover takes his hand and gently pushes the elegant simple silver band onto his ring finger. And he has no words in the universe to describe the beauty of the man who for reasons unknown to himself wants to spend a lifetime with him – all he can do is kiss him to describe it in a language they both understand.
Some time later, Chen Yuzhi can coax Jiang Yuelou to get up and meet their friends anyway, even though the little surprise party is no longer a surprise and even though Jiang Yuelou would prefer to pull Chen Yuzhi into the shower again immediately to act upon every single one of his lover’s little fantasies. He is convinced only when Chen Yuzhi tells him that he has put a lot of effort into the planning and that they have a lifetime of shared showers ahead of them.
When they are heading out, Jiang Yuelou looks down at his hand once again, at the silver band that marks him forever as someone Chen Yuzhi has chosen, and smiles when his lover takes his hand and they leave the house together.