Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"This is the Normandy speaking. Do you copy?" Joker asked, hoping that this time the comms system was actually going to work.

For everyone on board's expertise, it certainly had taken them long enough.

There was only so much fun to be had on a lush, green planet for Joker. He just wanted to be in the air again. He wanted movement. 

It had been four months. 

Joker tweaked a few things and then tried again. 

He pushed the button to open up a frequency channel.

"Attempt 372. Hey, this is the SR-2 Normandy. Is anyone there? Do you copy?" Joker said in a particularly dull tone of voice. He had lost his enthusiasm at attempt 80. By now, it was a joke in itself that he was still trying. "We copy." A weak voice replied, and then slightly more loudly,

"You're on an Alliance Navy frequency. Repeat your vessel, and identify yourself."

Joker would have leaped for joy if he were able to without hurting himself. "Yes! Yes- uh. Yes ma'am." He did as asked, helpfully adding the number of souls on board, in lieu of sending a formal dossier of the ship's figures.

"We request assistance."

"THE Normandy." The officer replied with glee.

Excited and nervous chatter erupted in the background of the Navy's feed. It occurred to Joker that his people may want to hear what was going on too. He turned the ship's intercom on and fed through it the live comms between him and the Navy.

"Hey." Joker said to the people on the other line. Their background chatter was getting rowdier by the second. It sounded like they were celebrating. It would have warmed Joker's heart except for the fact that they weren't prepping for rescue teams to leave to get them as a matter of priority.

"We request assistance." Joke repeated, crossing his fingers as he sent through their exact coordinates. For a split second, he wondered whether that was a good move. They really could be anyone. His fears were dissipated once a familiar voice took over the comms.

"Admiral Hackett here. It is good to know that the Normandy and its crew still live." Hackett's professional words were undermined by the frog in his throat. He continued. "Details to follow shortly, but I'm authorizing an Alliance vessel to come to your location. It will be inbound at your location in two weeks. Please draft a list of supplies you need and have it sent by noon tomorrow."

Kaidan burst into the bridge, "It works?!" He said, panting. He had sprinted up four decks to check it out with his own eyes. "It works!" He then straightened up. "Admiral Hackett, sir. Sorry."

"Major Alenko- Or, well, it’s Spectre Alenko now isn’t it?" Hackett remarked fondly.

"Sir, I'm not sure. Sir." Kaidan replied, finding his arm in a salute even though it was just Joker who could see him. "I've assumed command of the ship in lieu of having Commander Shepard on board. So Major seems the appropriate way to address me, sir.”

"Well,  Major Alenko. It's good to hear from you." Hackett cleared his throat. "I have to go and tell the galaxy that the Normandy survived." He then seemed to converse with someone on his end.

It was frustrating not having a visual. Joker vowed to fix that next.

"Yes. But first, I need to go and tell her-" Hackett said but not to Joker and Kaidan. He then did address them. "Apologies. Trying to make sure she hears the news from us before seeing it on every screen in every vid." He then spoke to the people around him again. "No. Encrypt the comms regarding plans for the rescue. I don’t want her involved."

"If I may, who are you talking about sir?" Kaidan asked. He was curious as to who was causing Hackett such trouble.

"Commander Shepard." Hackett replied simply.

Those simple words rang out across the ship with such impact, that everyone on board stopped what they were doing.

"C-commander-" Joker spluttered. "Shepard?! Our Shepard? No way she survived- we-" Joker looked at Kaidan incredulously. " Shepard , Shepard?"

“Commander Onyx Shepard? From Mindoir?” Kaiden blinked a few times. "We thought she had died, sir. How is she?"

"One of your friends found her in the rubble not long after the battle, she’s still in hopsital. I'll pass your comms information to her and she can give you the rest of the story. Hopefully, the news that you're alive helps her settle." Hackett paused then, not trying to sound irritated with Shepard, despite being entirely irritated by her.

Shepard had been restless. She’d popped stitches almost every day for the first month until Hackett personally threatened to induce her into a coma. Mandatory bed rest had done her good, even though she clearly resented obeying the order. It was like she didn't want to recover. That's what the psych eval claimed anyway. At this rate, it would take years until she could be on active duty again. The Alliance didn't have that long to wait.

Hacked quietly scoffed, but regained professionalism quickly. "We're on our way, Normandy. Stay safe. Hackett out."

It was quiet on the bridge for only a short time before personnel from across the ship began singing and celebrating and jeering. It could be heard throughout the decks; partially due to the holes in the Normandy's hull but mostly down to the sheer volume of the crew.

Waiting for a call was agony at the best of times.

Waiting for a call from a loved one that was believed to be dead, much more so. No one quite knew what to do. No one wanted to start a task in case Shepard rang at just that moment.

They wanted to be ready. Available. There, the second the first ring sounded.

The first hour passed slowly. The second, slightly less slowly. And so did the third and fourth. Until, at last, the crew returned to their work. Mostly small tasks. Quick fixes. Something they could drop in an instant if the comms system rang. But as the evening drew close, people grew restless. 

The mess hall was rowdy that evening. Wild with speculation. The reserves of alcohol had been opened, people were eager to toast to the good news. Someone had even put on one of the Commander’s favourite songs in an ode to her. 

Sitting around a large table were Liara, Garrus, James, Kaidan, Joker, Traynor, and Cortez all in civilian clothes after a day of debate.

Javik was usually amongst their number, but couldn't stand to hear their conspiratorial talk, nor their hope. He decided to eat alone.

"And we know for certain that it was Hackett on the comms?" Liara put forth, her serene voice audibly nervous. "If not, this could all be a ploy of some kind."

"No, no! It was him. And he told us Shepard is alive." Kaidan argued. "I'd bet my life on that!" "You might have to, Alenko." Garrus replied. "If there are enemy forces at work, they now know where we are."

"We’ve turned ourselves even more so into sitting ducks." Specialist Traynor chimed in. “We can’t fly, our weapons aren’t operational and now we have a vessel on its way to us.”

"Indeed." Garrus agreed. "We need to be prepared for an attack- it could be left over Cerberus forces or-"

"Ah come on. If anyone would survive this it'd be her. Have some faith." James said, halfway through a bottle of beer. "Look, I'm no optimist but I've learned the hard way not to bet against her." He was calm and jovial as per usual. He had been the sole person on board left who thought she'd survived. He laughed. "And plus she's been on Earth this whole time! I say she got it easy."

Cortez shifted uncomfortably. "Vega, she's been alone that whole time probably thinking we're dead."

"Yes. I can't imagine it's been fun for her." Liara said, crossing her arms tightly. "We are almost all she has. And we're stuck here. So far away." She frowned deeply.

James nodded somewhat apologetically. "An alone Lola is better than a dead one."

"You do have a point Vega, it might have been nice to be away from you this whole time." Garrus deadpanned. "That will have been a true upside for her."

That is if she were actually alive. Garrus couldn't shift the weight of pessimism resting on his chest. He'd seen her do the impossible before, but even for Shepard this seemed like a stretch.

"Nah, raptor-boy if Shepard needed a vacation from anyone it will have been you. She hasn’t heard some gun-nut say calibrations in months I bet. That's paradise." James retorted, wiggling an almost empty bottle at Garrus from across the table. “We’re not so lucky.” 

This back-and-forth earned a few chuckles. 

Smiles returned to faces after being absent for so long.

"Can we get back on track please," Kaidan interjected. "Joker, Liara, were we able to upgrade the comms to include video yet?"

"It should work. I doubt we will all fit in the comms room at the same time. We should instead take turns." Liara said. “Especially for someone still in hospital, she might not have the strength to take command the way she has before.”

"Okay. So if she can't work a crowd right now, who goes first?" Traynor asked innocently.

Chaos took over instantly as they argued. Garrus stayed quiet. Obviously, as boyfriend he got to go first. It only made sense. Besides, he wasn't up for arguing. Something inside his chest stirred painfully. He couldn't bear the thought that she had been alone this whole time, in pain, none the wiser to what had become of them. Just as they had each grieved her, she had grieved all of them, at once.

At least he guessed. But she was alive. Probably.

Kaidan smacked a hand down onto the table, effectively quieting everyone down. Just as he was about to speak, a ringing from the comm room started.

Rotas.

Negotiations.

Civility.

All concepts which were thrown to the side. It was suddenly a race to the room and whoever didn't fit, didn't fit. With the elevator still out of use, they all bolted upstairs. Garrus found himself sprinting before he had really thought about what he was doing. Apparently, he was hopeful deep down inside. If it were biologically possible he'd be grinning. Instead, his mandibles flared as he ran with dogged determination. This little competition wasn't half bad. Kaidan scored first place, with Liara and James next. Garrus came in a measly fourth. He shook off the loss. The others had more agility than he did. And he could swear Liara had used her biotics on the stairs up. Cheating. But then, Garrus had also elbowed James in the ribs, on purpose, when cutting a corner. James had retaliated by bodying Garrus into a wall to even things out. It's what Shepard would have wanted.

From a few decks below, Javik asked. "What is all the commotion?" His voice was deep and clear; more curious than concerned.

"SHEPARD'S CALLING!" Cortez replied, being closest to the door. His voice echoed and traveled down to Javik, who let out a loud laugh.

"I will believe that when I see it." Javik said dismissively.

"YOU CAN LITERALLY COME TO SEE NOW. THAT IS THE EXACT POINT OF CALLING SOMEONE." Cortez shouted back, keeping up his jogging pace. A few scuffling noises sounded from below as Javik began the climb up the stairs to the comms room.

Kaidan hit the receive call button forcefully, panting as he sought to regain his breath. The four in the room laughed; joyfully, energetically. It occurred to them that the race had been the single most fun thing they’d done since crash-landing on the planet.

“Hey, the Commander is pulling us together again already,” James said loudly, signature smirk covering his face. “How long until we’re back in the field with her, huh? I bet she'll have us doing drills or something by tomorrow.”

The stragglers joined at the back of the room, making it a bit of a tight squeeze.

There was just about elbow room. It didn’t matter though, everyone settled just fine as an image appeared on the comm’s interface. It wasn’t who they were expecting.

A light murmur of discontent rang out.

“Normandy crew, it’s a pleasure to see you all. There’s a lot of you in that room isn’t there? Good. I only have to say this once now.” Dr Chakwas said sternly. “You are in no way to tell the Commander where you are. No coordinates. No hints. No anything. Got it?”

A chorus of “Yes ma’am.” rang out. 

“I will know if any of you disobey me. It’s for her own safety - so remember that. I’ll put her on now. I’m sure we’ll all have the chance to catch up later.” Dr. Chakwas said, her tone softening significantly for the latter part of the sentence. She smiled kindly.

“I wonder why,” Liara said. “For her safety? Do you think someone is tracking Shepard?” She crossed her arms and tapped her chin.

“Mmm,” Garrus said. “Could be. Alright. Keep details to a minimum - this might not be as secure a comm link as we might hope. We’re not going to risk-”

The sight of Shepard cut him off. “Better late than never, huh? I meant to be in touch earlier, but Chakwas sedated me.” Shepard grinned mischievously, still slightly woozy from the drugs. “God. Look at you. You survived… And you’re all there.” A lightness took over the room.

Shepard had certainly looked better. She had lost a lot of muscle mass, but not as much as she should have if she had been truly bedbound. There was something very fragile looking about her still. Perhaps it was the way that she looked at them with such longing eyes. Her hair was down, easily passing her shoulders in gentle, white waves. Not many of them had seen her with her hair down before; it was reserved for special occasions. It made her look softer but was harshly juxtaposed against red burns which adorned the left side of her face. The skin there looked delicate and waxy. It extended from her temple all the way down to her neck in big blotches. Her orange scars blended in near perfectly on that side of her face. They dread to think how bad she looked at the start.

Shepard spent these precious few seconds looking at each and every one of them, before settling her eyes on Garrus. Garrus stared back, absentmindedly extending his hand towards the screen. “What, you never seen me in pink before?” Shepard asked jokingly, referring to the hospital gown she was wearing. She obviously had a lump in her throat. An attempt to clear it was unsuccessful. “Rare to see you without your visor on.”

“Shepard, I thought you were dead,” Garrus said sincerely, eyes taking in what should have been an impossible sight. His eyes narrowed, trying to ascertain if it were really her.

“We’ve had this conversation before,” Shepard said, smiling softly. If this was his way of testing her, she’d play along. "On Omega."

“And Menae.” Garrus replied. “Third time’s the charm.”

“Yeah, yeah and fuck all the rest of us, huh Lola?” James interjected, crossing his arms in mock anger. “Wanna take a look at anyone else? I knew you were alive this whole time. I don’t even get a glance?” He shook his head. 

“She’s the Commander still Vega - show some respect!” Kaidan instructed.

“Thanks for never giving up hope Vega. You get an extra special prize.” Shepard joked, finally tearing her eyes from Garrus. She gave James a look up and down slowly. "You look bulkier, Lieutenant. Been keeping up with the regime?" She sat up in bed and laughed, placing her hand on her ribs to get comfortable. For a second she grimaced.

“Still on the mend, Shepard?” Liara enquired. “Hackett told us some of the details. But how did you survive?” 

“Dumb luck,” Shepard replied honestly. “The blast knocked me back towards the transporter beam, I crawled the rest of the way." She shrugged as if it were nothing. 

"Trust you to go towards the light when you're three-quarters dead Commander" Joker quipped. "You didn't find that a bit ominous?"

Shepard laughed. "Yeah now that you say it…"

"And then what?" Liara pushed, interrupting.

“I recorded an interview with Hackett about the day and my actions to bring down the Reapers. I’ll send that on so you all get a full debrief. But… Personally? Wrex found me. I woke up in a field hospital in agony. He'll kill me for telling you this, but he held my hand when they re-set my femur." She shrugged nonchalantly, but it was clear she was brushing off very intense memories. "My people skills must be preeeetty good.”

"That sounds horrific," Cortez said from the back. “The femur thing. Not that Wrex has a soft spot for you. That’s just plain heartwarming.”

“So you weren’t alone?” Liara asked, but it was more of a rhetorical question. She was utterly relieved. “I am so glad Shepard-” she was cut off by Kaidan.

“You fell to Earth and were rescued by the leader of the Krogan? That’s going to be one hell of a box office hit, Shepard. Just wait until that’s put to music.” Kaidan moved in front of the screen so that the hologram sent to Shepard was just him. “Strange isn’t it, that this is one of our happier reunions?”

“We need to start meeting under better circumstances.” Shepard agreed. “I heard you took my position on the Normandy. Thanks Kaidan, but you better not have touched my stuff.” Shepard said playfully threatening him.

Her comment stung.

Kaidan looked off to the side.

"Too soon to joke?" Shepard asked.

"None of us have been in your quarters, Shepard. We- uh- we didn't take your death too well. It's been rough here." Kaidan admitted.

Budging Kaidan out of the way, Garrus took up centre stage on the screen. "I've been up there a few times, Shepard. To, uh, to, feed the fish."

"Is the eel still alive?" She asked. “Cost me a fortune.”

"Which one is the eel again, Shepard?" Garrus scolded himself mentally. Had he said Shepard too much? He thought so. It was just so nice to say it in conversation with her again. He had been the first to accept that she was dead.

"The long yellow one." She moved her hand to imitate the movement of a snake.

“Aha. Yes.” Garrus nodded. "He is doing okay. He's about a metre long now." 

A small beep sounded from Shepard's side. Everyone in the comms room was immediately on edge. 

Shepard looked at them quizzically.

"Calm down. It's just my datapad. I-" she wondered whether to divulge or not. She sighed. "I had to turn the sound notifications on. I went blind after the explosion. No big. I just haven't gotten around to turning it back to silent yet.”

The crew looked at her mortified, their expression cartoonish and exaggerated. 

Shepard rolled her eyes. "What?" She asked.

Another beep.

"You were blind?" Joker gawked.

"Only for a couple weeks." Shepard answered. "Completely recovered now."

An onslaught of beeps sounded. "I better get that." Shepard picked the datapad up and looked at it, turning it to silent. It wasn't an incoming call.

"Why do I have-" Shepard paused for the final number to settle. "164 new emails from y'all?"

"Ah!" Joker exclaimed, smiling at Liara. "We did it! Looks like our personal messaging system is back online. Told you it just needed one more reboot!” He turned to Shepard who was scanning through her long list. “I suppose it's sending messages in everyone’s outboxes. These losers must have been sending you things the whole time we've been here."

Snidely, Shepard commented, "I see you sent me a couple, Joker."

"Yeah- well- I-" Joker started but then was interrupted by a buzzing in his pocket from his datapad. He looked to see several messages from the Commander flooding his screen.

"We're receiving things that were sent to us too." Liara said, turning her head to look at Joker’s screen.

"Did you send us things when you thought we were dead?" Joker asked in a sly tone. "Awwww, come on, 'fess up." He grinned as he met Shepard's eyes.

"Open a message, Moreau." Shepard said defensively as she folded her arms. "See if you get the feeling I thought you were dead.” 

Joker did as he was told.

The others around him stopped trying to maneuver their own datapads and looked at his screen. Joker read the oldest message silently. It was from three-and-a-half months ago.

To: Joker

I think I killed EDI. I’ll explain what happened when I see you next. Which better be soon. I'm in hospital. Getting impatient, being an inpatient. Sorry… I have to be my own joker since you’re not here. It’s a tough role. You deserve a raise. If you’re not back in two weeks I’m going to attempt escape no.2 and head wherever you are. Co-ordinates would be helpful if you are reading this and can send them my way. If not, I don’t mind hunting you down.

Cmdr Shepard

“That wordplay was disgusting Commander.” Joker said quietly. “It’s bordering on being a war crime.” 

EDI’s death had been tough on him. Even until reading that, he wondered whether she had managed to survive.

“I’m going to go and read the rest of these in the cockpit. We have some work to do if we want the Normandy to be on her way back anytime soon.” Joker said, a little more loudly. He then lip mouthed to Shepard ‘Will send co-ordinates’ and flashed a brief smile. He budged people out of the way gently, the people at the back of the room already starting to peel away.

Shepard’s eyes gleamed. She nodded once, trying to hold back from grinning now she would finally know where they were. And then she could rescue them. “Happy reading Joker!” She said loudly.

They all looked at her expectantly.

“What?” Shepard asked.

“Well it’s so nice to see you-” Liara started saying, her eyes full of adoration. She was cut off rather rudely by Garrus.

Crossing his arms, Garrus shook his head. “With the timeline you’ve discussed, and the contents of that email Shepard, you tried to escape hospital when blind. Care to comment? I think you’re downplaying how seriously ill you’ve been.”

“Ah, put the cop act to rest Vakarian.” James said, rolling his eyes. “Sorry I wasn’t there to break you out Lola. Next time.”

“And I’m sorry for giving up on you so fast. I didn’t even send you one message. But I will treasure yours now, as I read them.” Liara said softly. She took one more look at Shepard. “Let’s talk later tonight. I have a renewed energy to repair the ship.”

The engineers and Traynor nodded to that sentiment. “I’d love to chat but, I think I prefer to do that in person. And that will only happen if we can rely on our telemetry being accurate.” Traynor said, happiness in her voice. “See you soon Commander!”

“Same here Shepard. We’ll go work on getting this girl airborne again.” Donnelly said as he and Adams left the room.

Cortez followed after them, waving Shepard’s direction.

Javik walked by the door as Cortez left. “Shepard.”

“Yup. How are you?” She said, addressing him kindly.

“I’ve been better. Stuck on this ship with these primitives. Their emotions are choking me day and night. I’m going back to my room. I’ll talk to you later, privately.” Javik turned for a second and added. “Thank you for the messages. Although I’m not sure why you sent me so many so-called brain teasers. I will unravel them all without delay.”

As he left, Shepard jovially said. “I sent him several unsolved math equations. If he can find the proofs for them, he’ll make history. Y’know, in addition to being the last surviving Prothean.” She looked at the three remaining men in the room fondly. “My boys.”

“Respectfully, if you call me that again I’m going to have to kick your ass. I don’t care how frail you are.” James said, smirking, throwing a quick punch toward the camera. “Huh, want some?”

Shepard didn't flinch. “Whatever junior. Get your ass back here and become an N7. They’ll only keep your spot for another couple months.” Shepard said, maintaining eye contact with James. “Your uncle seems intent on you making the cut, so you better start fixing my damn ship and get her home, you hear me?” Somewhere through this mini-tirade, Shepard had dropped her jokey demeanor and become dead serious. James automatically raised his right arm into a salute.

“Yes, ma’am.” He nodded, and then slowly asked. “Is he really still alive?” Shepard nodded. “I sent you his details not long ago.” Saluting once more, James fled from the room, heading somewhat private so he could call his family.

She turned to Kaidan. “Same with your mom. You should have her number in a recent message.”

“She’s okay?” Kaidan asked, visibly tearing up. "I’ll take my leave and call. Thanks Shepard.”

Shepard waved her hand at Kaidan, effectively dismissing him. She turned to look at Garrus somewhat menacingly. He stared back. It felt suffocatingly tense in the room all of a sudden. One of Shepard’s scariest qualities was her intense physical presence. Despite her being three systems away, she was utilising that now.

“It’s best you go make your call, Alenko,” Garrus said, gesturing towards Shepard. “I think me and mom are about to argue. Of course, we might not have needed to fight now if she hadn’t sidelined me onto the Normandy mid-battle.”

Kaidan left at double time to avoid becoming wrapped up in the argument.

Exhaling angrily, Shepard questioned Garrus with narrow eyes. “Oh, so you didn’t step up to lead the Normandy in my absence but you can boss around the man who did?”

“It’s an Alliance ship, I have no claim to it.” Garrus snapped back.

“When did following protocol become your utmost priority?”

Garrus took a deep breath. “You just unloaded a whole lot of good news.” Garrus said, relaxing his shoulders and attempting to de-escalate the conversation. “Can’t we focus on that instead? You’re alive.”

“I’m hard to kill.”

“I should know that.” He said, finishing her line of thought. “Shepard, I-” She took a deep breath, which silenced him. "You’re telling me the comms were only just fixed? With you on board? You’ve disarmed nukes. You’ve- you’ve been there, fixing everything I needed you to...” She didn’t smile. “But something easy, something that would bring you home- no, that took Joker playing with the wires for four months?!”

“Now hold on just a minute there-”

Shepard cut him off. She locked eyes with him. “How can I come back to you alive if I don’t know where you are?” Her tone was ferocious like when she was in the heat of battle. It was as if she were addressing an enemy. Garrus’ eyes twitched slightly, not being used to being talked to this way. Then again, he and Shepard hadn’t really ever argued before. He was unable to hold back from making a catty comment. “How was I supposed to know that, for the first time, you would choose to follow an order I gave?" Clearly resisting the urge to say something hurtful, Shepard took a deep breath and shifted her posture to get more comfortable. “I take orders that I believe in. You were supposed to know that.”

“You took me out of battle.”

Shepard nodded. “Mmhmm. And?"

“It wasn’t a choice a leader should have made. It could have jeopardised everything… Calling the Normandy into battle to save two soldiers?! Putting the entire crew and vessel at risk!” Garrus shook his head for the billionth time. "None of this detracts from how relieved I am to see you Shepard… I just… I’m upset at how it all played out.” He crossed his arms tightly and looked off to the side.

“I’ve already had it in the neck from Hackett about that. It was the choice I made. I stand by it.” Shepard replied simply, taking a laboured breath. "And I'd do it again. You're angry about that?"

“I am." Garrus replied bitterly. "You made that choice as a girlfriend.” He said, in a tone so aggressive that even he was shocked. “Not as a Commanding Officer.”

"Not as a Commanding Officer?" She crossed and uncrossed her arms, finding that she needed her hands free to properly reply. The red scars on her face and forearms glowed ominously, the skin around them thinner, more translucent. Shepard grimaced for a second, the pain from her facial scars lighting up her head and neck. In a burst of anger, she shouted. “You being up there would have jeopardised the mission. And fuck you, if you can’t see that Special Advisor Vakarian.” She stopped for a section to gauge his reaction.

Garrus didn’t have the most expressive features, but he had tells which indicated when he was hurt. He had just displayed all of them. A soft exhale of air; the tilting of his head to the right; flexing and unflexing his talons; his brow plates moving up in surprise. She wasn’t sure if it was her tone, or her words, or the way she had addressed him so formally which did it. But she regained composure in order to handle it more delicately. “I deny myself the want to keep you safe each time the Normandy’s hangar door opens because you’re a damn good soldier, and I respect you. This time, for the good of the galaxy, I had to get you to safety, somewhere else, so I could focus.” Shepard softened her tone. ”In sending you away I was being a good Commanding Officer.”

There were a few moments of quiet.

“I’m sending you our coordinates.” Garrus used his omnitool to send them Shepard’s way. “Get here as soon as you can.”

She had already received their whereabouts twenty minutes ago from five different people onboard the Normandy. But it was nice to have Garrus' support in this too. Joker even forwarded her the blueprints of the vessel that was selected for the mission. It made stowing away much easier. Shepard eagerly sent a message on her datapad, letting her accomplice know that Operation Breakfree was to commence ASAP.

“Damn you, Garrus.”

Garrus chuckled in a low tone. “I’ve never been in love before, Shepard. It’s driving me a little crazy isn’t it?” He rubbed his neck as he began to postulate. “I suppose this is why fraternisation rules are- whoa. Uh-" He stopped mid-sentence as he watched Shepard on screen. She appeared to be undressing.

"What?" Shepard asked as she began to undo the ties of her hospital gown. She fiddled with a particularly tough knot, concentration taking over her face.

Stumbling backwards, Garrus reached the back wall of the comms link room to hit the door's button. It came to a close with a soft whoosh. Now at least no one else could peek in. "Is this- uh, is this… some kind of-?"

"What?!" She repeated, finally unfastening the gown and letting it slip down her shoulders and torso. She looked up at him and laughed, observing that his hand still rested against the door's button.

"Is this what?” Shepard stood, and the - now unfastened - hospital gown fell to rest around her ankles. Underneath she was wearing a sports bra and pants. Her neck and chest were scarred with burns, but they looked significantly less angry than the ones on her face. Her chest had a pale white outline of where her dog tags had been. Shepard leaned to the side and pulled on some shoes.

Garrus sighed, somehow sounding both relieved and disappointed. “An intimacy-kind of... thing.”

She put herself in the centre of the camera again and asked, accusingly. “Is that how you think I was initiating? By damning you?”

“I distinctly remember that happening at least twice.” Garrus replied, nodding vehemently. “Now you say it, I think I captured one of those times on my visor.” he looked at her wryly. “I’m sure you remember, I was trying to upgrade the damned thing’s video quality and you decided-”

“-To give it a test run.” Shepard said hotly as she beckoned Garrus to come closer to the screen. "I'm game as soon as the Alliance vessel touchdowns."

"It has been four long months, Shepard." Garrus nodded. He took a long, confident stride. "I'll unstash bottle of the good stuff from the ceiling panel in your quarters and find us somewhere nice."

"Sounds perfect." Shepard replied.

"I really have missed you." Garrus said quietly.

Right on cue, Kasumi, dressed as a nurse, entered Shepard's hospital room. "A little birdie told me it's time for physio outside in the yard.” She walked past and picked up a small holdall of Shepard’s possessions, putting the whole thing in a laundry sack. “Let’s go.”

"That's your plan? Escape with a fake nurse?" Garrus asked in disbelief. He could barely believe his eyes - he knows for certain that he'd never seen Kasumi's eyes, I mean hell, he'd never seen her forehead or hair or anything before. And to think, she'd disrobe from her normal attire for Shepard. The things that woman convinced others to do were boundless. And yet, it made Garrus wonder for a second whether many people ever told Shepard no... Of course, aside from the big hitters, until they needed something.

“If Shepard had a less distinctive appearance, we would have dressed her as the nurse.” Kasumi sighed, admitting. “I hate being out of my hood, it’s too bright.” "I had to get creative. Today she's the item I'm stealing. It's scintillating isn't it?"

Shepard shrugged, but then she furrowed her brow at Garrus. “Needed to be something stealthy, Grunt couldn't keep his mouth shut, my fanboys were too starstruck and Zaeed has been actively working to keep me here. Something about an agreement with you to keep me safe-” “Have a domestic argument later, Shepard. We have to go. Now.” Kasumi urged, gesturing at the door. “I have a shuttle waiting.” Kasumi said firmly, wearily, knowing that this was the start of a long night for them both. The Commander was a difficult client.

“See ya.” Shepard said as she waved and disconnected.

“Just like old times.” Garrus said out loud to a now empty room. What a whirlwind. He felt like he’d just experienced every possible emotion. Colour had rushed back into his world and the vivid nature of his surroundings now left him reeling. He felt his heart boot back up, every beat shaking loose dust that had accumulated on top.

Chapter Text

Message Sent: 15 Weeks Ago.

Crew, you didn’t hang around long enough for me to make it back onto the ship before you left. 

I'm alive. You better be too. I’ve been asleep most of the whole week, so if you’ve sent me something or called - I have not replied yet. I don’t look great and I feel terrible. I hope you’re faring better than I am.

Captain Anderson wasn't so lucky. I want to add his name to the Normandy memorial wall myself, so if you see this in time, don't do it. It's only been a week - I am hoping you pessimists have held off that long.

See you soon - we haven't been able to locate a distress beacon for you, but you're unlikely to be far since the relays are now kaput. Hoping you're on Earth. That'd make things easy. I'll allow you to have gone as far as the Asteroid belt. Got Earth's satellite telescopes looking for you as we speak.

Commander Shepard.

Message Sent: 11 Weeks Ago.

To: All

I now know you’ve jumped system. You’ve strayed far from me.

I wrote a formal assessment on the vessel and crew capability with the final conclusion that you were out there, but just, broken or something. I'm a better fighter than writer, but it was convincing enough to rally a search and rescue. Good news, the Alliance are sweeping each system for signs of you. It's a matter of if, not when we'll find you. Bad news is that the news broke that no one know where you are. So-called journalists are on my ass about this. It’s been chaos. I’ve never argued with so many different people in such a short amount of time. Makes the Council seem like a walk in the park.

See you soon.

Shepard.

Message Sent: 10 Weeks Ago.

To Crew who put me down as next of kin. 

Why the fuck did you make me your next of kin?

1. I am just as (if not more) likely to die on the battlefield! What use is there in choosing me? In the result where we both died, I don’t even know where that would leave your estate. Would my next of kin inherit x2 money? I don’t know and I don’t care to find out,
2. That said. I order you to change your next of kin next time you have a chance. I've attached the relevant forms to this message. Do not change it to another member of the Normandy crew. This is preschool stuff. 
3. Did I give any of you the impression that I enjoy doing paperwork? Did I? No! Then why make it me? I’m a fighter - not a paper pusher.
4. Some of you have family! Living relatives! Spouses! And yet, you chose me?! I won't name and shame... You know who you are... but your family are pissed! Good luck putting those fires out!
5. I got to make the decision on whether to declare you legally dead. You have the bespoke honor of being classed MIA. You are welcome. 

Commander Shepard.

Message Sent: 9 Weeks Ago.

To: All

As per previous email, if I was your next of kin you have been classed as MIA. 

The below message is for those who didn't put me down as next of kin.

I have used my significant power of influence to ensure that my vessel (and all souls on board) are treated as one entity. Thereby, you’re MIA. This blocks all avenues for your respective families to declare you legally dead. It’s not a decision they like. Apparently, it's insensitive, and they think I am delusional. Blah blah blah wishful thinking this, blah blah blah let me bury my son's memory in peace that. If only they knew how non-wishful thinking I am. I know you’re not dead. It’s not some silly hope, it’s factual accuracy. The relays are fucked and you’re on a ship that was half Reaper tech. Now it’s at least half-broken. Of course it’s going to take time to find you.

Whatever. I am going to be smug as hell when you return. They'll learn not to bet against Team Shepard! 

Tl;dr: You're not dead (legally or otherwise), and your loved ones hate me.

Shepard.

Chapter Text

Message Sent: 15 Weeks Ago

Joker. I currently can't see. No punchline there - I am straight-up blind. I am dictating this message so there might be issues. I have enabled automatic punctuation so my prose isn't complete f**king s**t. I hope your body is okay - the escape pod landings can be rough. 

Who is the de-facto leader in my absence? Is there a power struggle now that I’m gone? Is it an Alenko vs T’Soni showdown? Or is Garrus in the mix flexing his special advisor muscles? It sucks I’m missing out on this clash of the f**king titans. Fill me in when we’re reunited.

Grunt is my room buddy here in London. Experiencing some issues communicating because his subdermal translator broke. I understand him, but he is finding it tough to understand me. It’s a bit of a mess. Not helped by the fact I can’t f**king see. He gets it replaced this afternoon. He got pretty messed up in the fight. Anyway, Grunt’s had enough here and is escaping soon. I am going to tag along. He will help me get where I need to go. It might be now or never for me. We can rendezvous where you crashed, hope it’s in Europe or somewhere else close by. Send nav point ASAP. 

I just got the datapad to read back the message it composed and it seems to have censored me. 

Well, f**k.

This life is a joke.

Commander Shepard.

Message Sent: 14 Weeks Ago.

Joker.

I think I killed EDI. We’re starting to really see the secondary consequences of destroying the Reapers. No more AI/VIs, relays are messed up and far slower comms are the most obvious - so I’m not mad at you for not replying to my other message. I’ll explain what we think happened when I see you next. Which better be soon. 

I'm in the hospital. Getting impatient, being an inpatient. Sorry… I have to be my own joker since you’re not here. It’s a tough role. You deserve a raise. If you’re not back in two weeks I’m going to attempt escape number two and head wherever you are. Co-ordinates would be helpful if you are reading this and can send them my way. If not, I don’t mind hunting you down. I assume you’re on Earth, but just somewhere remote getting treatment or something. 

My sight is returning, and I am becoming unstoppable.

Commander Shepard.

Message Sent: 12 Weeks Ago.

Several eyewitnesses testify that they saw the Normandy jump system. It’s now all but confirmed. Who ordered that? They are in deep shit with me. Flying off without your CO? What kind of bullshit?! I'm mad and disappointed. Is everyone on board averse to escape pods? I thought I was going to be seeing everyone in a matter of days. Apparently not. It’s been a difficult month. I’m giving you hard a time about this because I know you’re the one who actually flies the damn ship.

Don’t do it again!

The rescue teams are working hard but I can't sit idly. I'm sneaking looks at system maps and eliminating least likely candidates whilst being under Chakwas' gaze. She keeps finding me with operational materials. She’s wondering where I’m even getting these maps from at this point - I’m worried she’ll start bugging the place to sus out my source. Pays to have fans Joker, I’m telling you. 

This is my thinking: You have landed her in as safe a location as possible. So… likely a planet with Earth-like conditions. Do you remember learning that 20th Century scientists thought Earth-like planets were rare? I fucking wish that was the case. This damn galaxy has so many! 

So frustrating. I will find you though.

Commander* Shepard

*Of the Normandy, in case y’all forgot. 

Message Sent: 6 Weeks Ago

So turns our you’re right, Joker. Old vids can be pretty good. Me and Zaeed watched some movies in your recommendation list. I think he enjoyed Armageddon most. I'm partial to Independence Day 8. 

The vids I watched have given me some rough and ready ideas for breaking out of here. Remind me to thank you for that.

Cmdr Shepard

Message Sent: 5 Weeks Ago

Just watched the film on your list named Rogue One. I’m devastated. Why did you recommend it?

Find yourself a new ship to pilot, your days on the Normandy are over.

Shepard

Message Sent: 4 Weeks Ago

For audit reasons, and because these comms could become part of official Alliance record, my previous message to Jeff Moreau was not serious. He knows it was a joke. I’d not fire him over a sad movie. Is that good enough? I actually enjoyed the movie, sometimes being mean is how I show my depth of feeling. Jeez.

Joker: I got told off about jokingly letting you go when I told some Alliance staff that I’d sent my last message to you. They suggested I send the above to cover my ass in case you want to sue me for harassment, or if it was made public. We’re barely post-war and they’re already back to worrying about stupid bureaucratic things. I just saved the galaxy by taking down an ancient race of machines, you’d think these paper-pushing assholes would be scared of me. But no. They run their damn mouths! I know people (on our ship!) who exchange explicit vids (of themselves!) via this same damn Alliance messaging system. I guess I learned a valuable rule through this. Porn: good; fake firing: bad. If only I’d written “you’re fired” on my chest maybe then it’d have been a-okay. 

I hope this message in particular is unsealed in 50 years and causes some kind of reputational damage. Kiss my ass, audit staff.

Oh and hurry up. 

Commander Shepard

First human Spectre, Reaper extinction extraordinaire, naughty list inhabitant

Chapter Text

Message Sent: 11 Weeks Ago

Kaidan - I imagine you've taken over as CO for the Normandy. Thank you. Lead well. 

Sorry I didn't make it back on the ship before you left… Which, by the way, seems to have been immediately after I triggered the destroy mechanism. That's right, I did it! With assistance from my crew... Go team! Haven’t been able to properly celebrate yet, as none of you are here. Rectify that quickly (that is an order).

I hope you’re okay. You looked pretty rough when I saw you last.

Not sure where you all are. But at least I know there aren't any Reapers there. Well. Alive ones anyway. You may be looking at the remains of some. 

Take some pictures, but more importantly, get back soon.

Cmdr Shepard

Message Sent: 9 Weeks Ago

Hello Kaids,

Nice nickname. Your mom has been with me for a couple weeks now. 

Your mom told me that she’s heard good things… She’s delighted to hear that I think you’re leading right now. She showed me the ceremony pictures from your promotion to Major, I'll be there for the next one. Promise... I might need to get myself a promotion otherwise you could get me done for insubordination... you've called me Onyx since you were a lieutenant, so I'm going to continue calling you Kaidan, Sir ;) 

So... your mom visited as she was upset that you made me your next of kin - not her. I’ve done my best to calm her down. Luckily, I’ve managed to demonstrate that a load of you idiots made me your next of kin. It made her laugh. She told me I must take great care of everyone. Well, whilst my entire crew is lost in space, I can’t accept that compliment. But I hope to be able to get her son back to her. 

Your mom is at my bedside right now. She fell asleep whilst knitting something. She’s taken it up in your absence. I think you have a sweater on the way - says you get cold easily.

She serves me little pastries each morning. It had been so long since I have been treated like a daughter. I am kind of loving it. Nothing is making me comply with bed rest than the mom glare she gives me. She's done more for my recovery than any medicine. She says this a lot; "you've done your bit for the galaxy, let me do mine now, Onyx.". Generally, it's before she feeds me a snack or runs me a bath. I told her that except for you, she is the only person who uses my forename. She looked a little sad but perked up just fine a few minutes later. Think it's because she realised that her son has a bond with another in the military that surpasses rank and order. 

On a serious note, your mom isn’t the kind of parent that can exist in a world where her child is dead. I wish she did have that kind of resilience but she doesn’t. I’m finding the prospect of never seeing you again tough… So, for the woman that raised you, that feeling must be unbearable. 

She’s leaving in a week and I’m going to miss her. I’ve done my best to be good company. I'm a little rusty at being a human (not a soldier) though - she's learned loads of military slang and acronyms. I've attached a few pictures of me and her hanging out. [4 Attachments: Image files]. I also showed her pictures we've taken over the years. She liked the one I took on the moon where it looks like you're carrying Earth most. She wants a copy.

It’s kind of neat; I’m filling in as your mom’s kid, and you’re subbing in for me on the Normandy. We’re probably doing each other’s jobs well, but return promptly - I want your mom to see you again. 

I also wouldn’t mind hanging out with you again.

Onyx

Message Sent: 6 Weeks Ago

Kaidan

Going crazy in this damn hospital room. Need your input.  Was Huerta Memorial an entertaining place? This place isn't. It's dull. And they limit my exercise time each day. It's like prison...

How did you pass the time? Y'know besides sending me messages every five minutes…Wait. Hold on.  This email just became too meta for my liking. 

Gotta go.

Onyx

Message Sent: 3 Weeks Ago

My biotics really ache today. Does that make sense? Or is this just old age setting in? Thought you’d know this better than me, old man.

Anyway, happy birthday 🎂

You outrank me in the Alliance and are on par Council-wise now you're a Spectre, so I am not ordering you, but from one best friend to another... please may I have your mom's birthday cake recipe? I'm on my third slice... 

Onyx

Chapter Text

Message Sent: 12 Weeks Ago

A fine victory. But what now for you?

I’m not going to ramble on. You lost all of your people. All of them. I’ve lost all of my people a couple of times, but my species was never wiped out. To be completely alone like that is something I thought I knew, but I didn’t. You carry the loss better than I do, despite having suffered more definitively. I've learned, and I've listened. And I’m walking taller because of you Javik. 

Anyway, this is the first time you’ve been alive without the Reapers breathing down your neck. I’m not sure what you want to do with your time now, but feel free to stick with the Normandy and me as long as you want. 

Even if you go out into the big, wide galaxy on your own, you will always have your spot on my crew if/when you need it. 

I’ve sent a few other messages to you, but they are just some fun brain puzzles to solve - I’m sure you’ll have gotten through them by the time we see each other again. 

Commander Shepard.

p.s. I spat on a Reaper corpse for you. A token gesture, but hey what else can you expect from us primitives?

Chapter Text

Message Sent: 15 Weeks Ago.

Garrus Vakarian. 

We won. 

We won against the Reapers and now you have to live down the fact that you said all of those whimsical, romantic things to me before the fight. You’re not here right now but you’ll return this as soon as you are able - you’re reliable.

I wouldn’t object to being on an island paradise with you right now. When we’re both healed, let’s go. We can stay until we get bored. 

Hope to be with you soon. I’ll talk all about what happened up there with the Crucible. You’re not going to believe it.

Shepard

Message Sent: 15 Weeks Ago.

P.s. to my last message, I killed the Illusive Man up on the Crucible. He was a pathetic indoctrinated mess. It was more like killing a husk than a man. I know you wanted to take him out, but he wasn’t worth it. It was like squishing a bug. He didn’t suffer, but he also didn’t get even an extra second in this life to waste more oxygen than necessary.

Anderson died a few minutes later. I nearly followed suit. I don’t want to be that close to dying again until I’m 140. 

Shepard

Message Sent: 13 Weeks Ago.

No word yet. It’s fine. I’ll give an update here for now.

I’m told my injuries were very bad. They feel it. I can partly see again. My vision is blurry, but getting there. I have my final surgery on them tomorrow. I’m still very tired all of the time. Combination of blood loss, and my body trying to heal pretty much everywhere simultaneously. Standard stuff. 

Chakwas is here with me, but there were a couple of medical assistants on the Normandy. Alenko is also a skilled first-aider. Between them and your steely determination to stay alive, so I know you’re okay. 

People are talking tentatively about you, my crew, as if you’re dead. I will begin to throw punches if they continue. Of course, my accuracy may temporarily be diminished, but my point will get across excellently: be quiet, because Commander Shepard is still a physical threat to everyone around her.

I wanted this to be a long message, but my meds timer just went off and I’m going to get drowsy soon. 

I miss you. 

Shepard.

Message Sent: 11 Weeks Ago

So you’re not on Earth, nor in Sol. You’re somewhere else entirely.

I’m finding it hard to put into words how sad that makes me feel. We survive all of this, just to be separated at the moment of our victory? I’m always fighting my way back to you. We don’t meet under those cheery, post-deployment, running into each other’s arms circumstances. It’s always been at least vaguely hostile territory. Even post fighting Saren I had to sneak out of my hospital ward to visit you, in yours. 

It’s bullshit. 

Why can’t we ever just hang out after defeating the bad guys?

Talk later, Garrus. Stay safe. Better late than never. I won’t stop looking for you.

Shep

Message Sent: 11 Weeks Ago.

Happy five-week anniversary to the Reapers being destroyed. 

Still no sign of the Normandy. Still no contact from the Normandy. 

These messages aren’t being delivered. There must be some serious technical problems on board. I’m not particularly worried about that. You are all adept in your ability to repair what is broken.

What is worrying me is the possibility that you’re somewhere out there mourning me. See, with no contact from any of us, and the likelihood that you saw the explosion from the ship… It paints a bad picture. I keep having a recurring nightmare that you put my name on the memorial wall. You, specifically. I don’t want my name plaque in your hands, I want you to be holding me. I hate thinking that you’re living a life where you think I’m dead. Skulking around the main battery alone. Red’s my colour and that room is bathed in it. 

Kaidan’s mom is here. She is listening to these kinds of rambles. She thinks my pain meds are influencing my dream state.

I’m not giving up on you. Garrus Vakarian, I don’t want you to have given up on me. But if you have, after I talk to you sternly about it, I’ll forgive you.

Alliance are on the way. But if push comes to shove, I’ll get a group of mercenaries together and embark on the mission to find you. I wonder if Mrs Alenko would come along.

Shep

Message Sent: 10 Weeks Ago.

Garrus,

You once told me that your father wouldn’t like me using my Spectre status to disregard protocol. You were right. I just used my influence to block your dad from being able to declare you dead. He is so fucking mad at me. He thinks it’s some schoolgirl fantasy that you are still alive. He said this: “You don’t know my son like I do, Spectre.”  It pissed me off. I told him “ You’re right Mr. Vakarian, I know him far better.”   Garrus, he damn near disconnected the vid-call.

Primarch Victus had to calm him down. Yes. You read that right. I think your dad thought he’d had support from Victus, but he greeted me as a friend, asked about my recovery, thanked me for my help and then supported me 100%. Your dad was pissed. Not a great first impression. I think at least your dad respects that I won’t budge on this issue… He learned what you did when you met me; I have a strong will, but an even stronger won't.

From this discussion, I don’t get the impression that he knows we’re together. I don’t plan to tell him. I know if my parents were alive they’d be shocked to learn that my boyfriend is an ex-cop. I get your decision to keep us quiet. 

I hope this anecdote entertained you. 

Shepard.

Message Sent: 9 Weeks Ago

I can only imagine how grizzled and strapping you look covered in grease whilst repairing the Normandy. Newly healed scars, sweating in the midday sun, working hard to get home to me. Been thinking about it all day. Going to need the real thing soon. Come home, Garrus.

Shep.

Message Sent: 8 Weeks Ago

Garrus, the Alliance is making me see a therapist. This sucks.

Shepard.

Message Sent: 7 Weeks Ago

This can’t be happening again. I can’t be losing everyone I love again. Garrus, it’s happened twice already. In 6-year cycles. I can’t be alone after knowing all of you. I lost my family on Mindoir and rebuilt. I lost my family on Akuze and suffered, but rebuilt again. I can’t lose my Normandy family. I can’t lose all of you. This isn’t happening. You’re MIA not dead. MIA is not dead.

Why can’t I be with you? Or in stasis until you’re back? Is this how you felt when I died back in 2183? Being without , after being with is tricky. 

The lack of you is not good. I need you in abundance.

Shep

Message Sent: 5 Weeks Ago

Garrus, 

Your stupid gun is next to my bed. It was recovered from the battlefield, the salvage team gave it to me yesterday. It’s gnarled and warped, but still somewhat functional. I forgot how Garrus Blue it was. It’s heavy and smells like grease and smoke and metal. Like you. I awoke from surgery thinking you were nearby. Glad my psych didn’t see this happening, because I was in a sulk for the rest of the day. 

Chakwas told me she wouldn’t normally let me keep it so close by, but seeing as it’s a sniper rifle too big for me to feasibly use, she doesn’t think I have a viable chance to hurt others (or myself) with it. 

You feel closer to me when it’s in my hands.

Shepard

Message Sent: 3 Weeks Ago

So, turns out that Conrad Verner managed to accumulate a following of people who are fans of mine. He sewed some clips of us together, including an unabridged vid of us in the casino’s bar dancing, and titled it “Commander Shepard’s husband MIA - let’s bring him home!” I’ve tried to correct him that you’re not my husband, but Verner insists this way it gets more views. And more views may get you home quicker. I’m fine to clickbait if it gets me what I want.

So, the whole galaxy already knew that the Normandy is MIA. But it’s brought renewed energy in looking for you, specifically. The artist who composed the tango music can probably live off royalties now. 

But our relationship has been thrust into the limelight. It’s uncomfortable. Some people are angry that we had shore leave during the war. Others find the love story enthralling. 

I found out about this after it had already been posted. Conrad sent me a link, and then a couple days later your sister did too. So I think that cat’s out of the bag. I did explain to her that whilst we’re not married, it is a serious relationship. The humans I know that are alive have all taken their turns sending me the vid. Mostly taunting me. Miri said it was romantic, but that she gets second hand embarrassment watching it. 

I’ve watched it about a million times. Weird doing that because it’s changed how I remember it… I can still feel your body pressed close to mine if I think hard. Of the past three years, it’s in my top ten happiest moments… Even if I was a damn fool who missed most of the steps.

I know you’re a sniper, so I shouldn't be surprised but my god your eyes are so steady on me the whole time. They don’t leave me even for a second. Someone commented that you look at me like I’m prey. See for yourself. [ 1 Attachment: Vid. Length: 00:01:45.67] . 

I hope that's why you look at me so intently - I'm banking on it being genuine when you tell me you love me.

Yours.

Message Sent: 1 Week Ago

Garrus. I’m coming for you if I have to go planet by planet in this galaxy. Rallying support for this. Have a new escape plan in mind. Will execute it successfully and be in your arms faster than you can blink. I’m done being apart. It’s dumb.

I will tear this galaxy apart until I find you. All will rue the days that Shepard was without Vakarian.

Shep.

Chapter Text

Message Sent: 10 Weeks Agp

Your uncle sure is the life of the party! He misses you. Make the hiatus in our lives short. We all need to get together.

He's one of the ONLY relatives I've spoken to who believes you're alive still. He's keeping me sane. Everyone else's moms and dads and siblings and second-cousins-once-removed are driving me insane.

Shepard.

Message Sent: 8 Weeks Ago  

Hi James. Going to be wearing glasses the next few weeks. Be honest, am I still hot? 

[ Attachment: 1 Image]

I’m aware that the glasses look can divide people… I’m having to wear these in between corrective eye surgeries. Please tell me I look half decent. I have half a dozen vid calls next week with y’all families and lawyers and things. I want to look attractive for these meetings. It helps win the arguments.

I look forward to your input.

Lola

Message Sent: 1 Week Ago.

You have to hurry. I lobbied for your N7 spot to be left empty, but they’ve put a hard deadline down now. I’ve forwarded the onboarding information to you separately. Come back. This whole enrolment thing is super frustrating. You're lucky to have so much potential, if you were any less worthwhile I wouldn't have willingly engaged with more paperwork.

Shepard.

Chapter Text

Message Sent: 10 Weeks Ago.

Liara,

I’ve woken up so many times in complete isolation. Completely alone. On Mindoir, on Akuze, on the Cerberus ship, and then again here.  It’s not a good feeling. Lonely being the only one who keeps surviving these things. 

There must be a metric tonne of flowers in my hospital room, mostly from strangers. Other Alliance officers. But they are just reminding me of who isn't here anymore.

When you get back, I want us to stay as a unit this time. 

Tell me you’ll be here soon.

I can’t be alone like this. It’s catastrophic for me. I go out, find new people, and then they die before me. Be different. Be the ones who come back. Be the ones who stick, stay and love me and keep me close.

I'll mobilise troops if I have to. If people thought I was an unrelenting force before, they'll truly learn what I'm capable of without you.

Shepard.

Message Sent: 8 Weeks Ago.

Aria T’Loak has sent me flowers. 

I went on a reading spree, trying to learn what they mean from an Asari perspective… turns out… She sent them as a human gesture of goodwill. She (at least in part) hopes for my speedy recovery.

Crazy right? The ruler of Omega just sent me flowers. 

I’ve been looking at them for an hour now. They’re the best ones here. Huge. She must have spent a fortune. I’ve sent my thanks, but she denies knowing anything about them.

She must have a soft spot for me. The way she kissed me told me all I needed to know, the flowers just confirmed it. Unsure If I told you about that? Aria planted a hot one on me on Omega a few months back. Hoping it's the last kiss between us. Not the point. What I mean to ask is: a kiss, now flowers… Can I expect a marriage proposal? Aria has kept people like pets before... Do I need security staff posted at the door? Joking. Mostly.

Shepard.

Message Sent: 6 Weeks Ago.

Liara.

Wrex unburied me from the rubble after the fight. I was so out of it I managed to call him dad along the way. Many times. He laughed about it later, but just wanted someone to know that it's not so much the funny thing he thinks. I can't tell him this. Anyway, with him now being a dad, he has other priorities far away from my daddy issues.

When I was 16, my dad carried me into the ER with a ruptured appendix. I needed immediate attention, but it wasn’t super serious. Humans’ appendixes rupture all the time. That was the last time I saw my dad alive. A few hours later, the Batarians had pillaged my colony. 

I had very similar pain to that when Wrex was carrying me. Apparently this time it was my spleen (amongst two-dozen other issues). My memories of Wrex carrying me, don’t involve him… They have my father in. Through the streets of a decimated London, demolition and death surrounding us, my dad is holding me close and telling me I’ll be okay. That I’m his little girl and nothing bad will happen to me. He is murmuring to my mom on the phone about hospital bills and she is telling him she'll take care of it. And then my memory cuts to Wrex holding my hands and calling me his child as my bones are put back into place. Which is tough.

Liara, you have complex… parental… issues so, how do I get over this? I called Urdnot Wrex, dad. But I wasn't really calling him dad, so much as I was having some weird hallucination of my dad carrying me.

My memories are warped, misshapen, and frayed. But still they're remixing old grief and kicking me in the stomach with new heartache. They were resolved issues.

My survival is almost always down to those who have loved me, passing me between each other like a relay baton. I’m grateful but am feeling like a helpless idiot. I save others, but others saved me first.

I know you're safe and sound, which is why I haven't been fretting over your survival. I know you're alive. You're you.

See you soon.

Shepard.

Chapter Text

Message Sent: 14 Weeks Ago

Commander, if there's one thing your absence has done, it's brought me, Cortez and Vakarian together. There's a weird bond between us. We're a trio of widowers. You're not confirmed dead, so Vakarian only has a trial membership in this coven so far. He's taking it the hardest though. I have EDI's body on board. She died right in front of me, which I think should entitle ME to the worst trauma, but no, Mr Archangel is taking that role. It's pathetic ma'am, but it is doing the trick in stopping me from devolving into that kind of mess.

Cortez is doing what he can for us, being the longest-serving widower in the group, but he credits you in part for processing his loss so his advice has your heavy-handedness. It’s Cortez speaking but they’re your words. I think for Garrus that’s triggering or something. I'm no psych.

Shepard, if you end up being alive I'll be overjoyed. I do miss you, and think you deserve to have lived. The galaxy is better for it. But I admit, if the only thing you did for the rest of your life was cut Vakarian's sad-boy summer routine short, I'd be satisfied.

Joker.

Message Sent: 3.5 Weeks Ago

Commander Shepard,

You know... I’m starting to think you died too. Found some footage the Normandy recorded on D-Day. You died, I'm certain. I haven't shown it to the crew yet, but Alenko is on the way up soon for a talk. I'll show him then, and he can decide what happens next. He's a good next-in-Command, Shepard.

So, here's where it sounds like I'm breaking up with you. I'd use the 'it's not you, it's me' line, but it is you Commander. I’m not going to message a ghost.

Going to sign off for now until you come back. You’ve done it once, but I’m not holding out hope for that again. Cerberus is destroyed and Liara is here with us. I don’t think you stand a chance of being revived this time.

Happy to be in the wrong about this Commander, but going to live as though you’re dead, dead. Don't kick my ass for this if you ever see me again.

Joker.

Chapter Text

Message sent: 15 Weeks Ago

Onyx... So, comms are down as is most of the ship. The Normandy is just about running the bare minimum we need.

I’m acting-CO for the Normandy. As a Major I outrank you, but I think by doing this, technically, I'm deputising for you.

I'm sure you'll get promoted soon anyway. The whole Batarian thing stopped the Alliance from giving you your Captain-hood, but now you've saved the galaxy they can't possibly withhold it from you. Do you think people will still call you Commander? I can imagine some of our crew referring to you as Captain Commander Shepard. I suppose not everyone has the privilege calling you Onyx like I do ;)

Back to the point - everyone has mixed-feelings as what to do next; how best to use our resources and energy. I’m pretty good at leading and logistics, and the repair effort is underway. People are doing as I say and following my lead. But, there is certainly a void in people’s hearts now you’re not on board.

It’ll be fine. I’ll get their asses to work.

–-Kaidan

Message Sent: 10 Weeks Ago

Oh God, Shepard. Lt Vega nearly died today, he ate some Turian chocolate. I stabbed him with an epipen from the med bay... Idiot is somehow louder when he's choking then when he's doing pull-ups if you can imagine. 

How is this so much like being at Brain Camp? Everyone’s just doing reckless dumb stuff. Except this time I’m the one who is responsible for their wellbeing. Is this what it is to be a father? Is this why Joker sarcastically refers to you as 'mom'? Or are they just being badly behaved because you’re not around to pull them in line?

Message Sent: 8 Weeks Ago.

Shep, we're having some, how do I put this..? Personnel issues. People are starting to get on each others' nerves. Two main camps; those who think you're dead, and those who don't. Warring tribes. Your biggest fanboy - Vega - is somewhat antagonising those in the 'Shepard's dead mindset'. I don't want to reprimand him because I think he's right, but as CO for the Normandy I've had to. He instigated a physical fight with another member of the crew. Punches were thrown, ma'am.

Thankful that some of the more overt troublemakers weren't on board when we jumped system. But very aware that means they might be with you. I dread to think of the chaos you could be causing. I just hope someone is there to assist with your goals in a non-violent manner. Unless violence is necessary of course, of which, I am ecstatic that you have our berserkers and other human biotics.

We’ll be back soon I’m sure. Everyone’s starting to get me down, but I'm hoping not to let my mask slip in front of our crew.

--Kaidan

Message Sent: 7 Weeks Ago.

I’m going to get a whole head of white hair if this goes on much longer. Right now I’m bordering on it. Do you think the salt and pepper look suits me?

Be honest, Onyx.

[ Attachment: 1 Image].

Message Sent: 6 Weeks Ago

Shepard. Another bad day. We can't catch a break. I'm sorry for complaining. We find another broken part of the ship each time we think we’ve repaired something. Morale is low and no one is putting in full effort. Hm… Vega might be putting in near full effort, but everyone else (including me,shamefully) are finding it tough to find motivation. Sure, we want to see what is left of the galaxy, but we’re scared that everything we know and love is gone. In our ignorance of being marooned here, we can cling to that hope. How pitiful. We’re better than this.

When these find you, you will feel for how lost we are without you around. Better yet, we can laugh about it together. Prepare your worst insults for us Shepard, we're a bunch of mopers!

Hope to see you soon.

--Kaidan

Message Sent: 3 Weeks Ago

Onyx,

Joker was able to recover some footage taken from one of the Normandy’s external cameras of you on the Crucible. It’s not especially high-res - but it doesn’t look like there was a way for you to survive that explosion, let alone the force of the beam.

You survived Mindoir, Akuze, Saren, Collectors, and your own clone. Is it too much to ask you to pull through this time too?

Apparently only you can kill you. Your goodness was far greater than their evil. You should have been able to walk away from this. I hope you died knowing you were victorious. You saved us all. You took the shots you needed to and you won. In some way, I get the feeling that you're glad it was you this time. You’ve had everyone you love die around you twice. I’m not sure if the human heart can take that a third time. Mine couldn't. Maybe yours could have.

I can’t say I wish I’d traded places with you… I’d have been too scared to do it alone. I'm one to prefer a steady hand to hold when facing certain death. I blew it by not coming with you. I guess next time you hand me an injured Turian in the heat of battle, I'll be insurbordinate as hell and run with you to the finish line... Ah. Hmm. I'm talking as if there will be a next time. This is such a mess… I don’t want to put you to rest. I look for you in most doorways. I am waiting for you to appear, cool and calm. Or hear you running around the decks again. Or awake to whatever wake-up tune you have for us that day.

The Reapers are gone, but you are too. I'm scared that my 'good old days' will forever mean the past three years. Right Kaidan, the good old days when the Reapers were around? Yup. Purely because the best woman the galaxy has ever seen was around too.

This is going to be the last message to you. I’ve been writing it for three days now and it gets worse with every iteration. You always told me not to mope. So, I’ll take that as an order and get our people back to their homes.

It was a honour to have served alongside legendary Commander Shepard, and a privilege to have known and loved the woman behind the uniform, rank and feats. And for that I'm thankful.

-- Kaidan

Chapter Text

Message Sent: 12 Weeks Ago

Lola, this is so stupid. This lame-ass crew has next to no morale. No one wants to admit that you’re still alive because it would cause them to be happy or something. These guys just want to be broken. If you can hurt me - and you have - you sure as hell can hurt the Reapers until the bastards are dead. You're a weapon of mass destruction. I think these people forget that.

Your dumbass pilot crashed us. Yeah, it might be more to do with the Reaper tech on board going on the fritz and frying some stuff, but it was not a graceful descent. I tell ya. I can’t wait to be outta here. There's sand here but it's different to Earth sand. It's finer. More dusty. And the leaves aren't the right kind of green.  I'll attach some pictures of what it's like here.

[Attachments: 14 pictures]

Vega.

Message Sent: 10 Weeks Ago

Hey Shepard,

Ate some chocolate I saw laying around. Turned out it was Garrus'. It's been three days since I've been able to talk properly - my tongue is pretty swollen. Alenko administered an allergy test, turns out I'm dextro sensitive. This can't be something that you suffer with since you chow down on Turian like it's going out of style. Didn't know there could be a variety of sensitivity, Alenko read up on it and suggested that I'm ultra-sensitive. The man needs a raise. Biotic, handyman, electrician, leader, medic. Does it all. I've heard him swear a lot recently, I think we're beating the will to live out of him.

The point of this message was to tell you to order your boyfriend not to leave his stuff out in the galley. No! I did not read the packet before taking a bite! I don't wanna hear it from you. You should be thanking me anyway, Garrus told me it was a gift from some human woman. I took her out of the equation by choking on her shitty gift to your boyfriend. You're welcome.

Vega

Message Sent: 7 Weeks Ago

Shepard

I bet you're on Earth right now sipping on a cold coca-cola or something. The thought of that really pisses me off. I just had the last of my soda stash. 

I have some harder stuff, but I don't know how much longer we'll be on here. If everyone keeps on with their shitty attitudes, I’m really gonna need it later if this situation becomes long-term.

Vega

P.S. punched an engineer today. Alenko needs another raise, he's the one who pulled us apart.

Message sent: 2 Weeks Ago

I think that Vakarian is starting to get over you ma'am. He seems a bit lighter in his step. Stupid of course, because you're alive. It might seem vindictive, but I am planning on doing some kind of stunt to pull you back into the minds and hearts of the people. E.g. putting pictures of you up, or playing one of our skycar mixes across our newly fixed intercom.

Yes. We managed to fix the intercom before we fixed the external comms. Pathetic.

Vega

Message Sent: 2 Weeks Ago

Hahahah Lola, Alenko beat me to it! As 'acting commander' he decided to play his favorite song first to test the intercom. He got to live out his radio host fantasy for a couple of minutes. Just after it'd finished, he announced that you were the one who introduced it to him (by proxy). Apparently it's in the tracklist for the pirate radio station your dead boyfriend ran. What a sentence… you sure know how to pick topics of conversation, huh? How did he come to know those things? You getting personal with him, but not me? I got trauma too!

Good news though, everyone's thinking about you now. I'll begin reminding them more harshly if they forget again. No one is getting over you on my watch.

James

Chapter Text

Message Sent: 15 Weeks Ago.

Shepard, just woke up. Datapad says it’s about a week after we parted ways on Earth. Not sure where we are. It isn't Earth, nor Sol. I hope it's somewhere close by. I think you did it- no, scratch that, I know you did. No Reapers here. Just peace. I hope you get in touch soon. Not sure if it's just my datapad, but nothing's sending.

I’ve taken a few cursory looks at myself. You might be helping me apply a healing salve to my body for years to come - but a small price to pay for saving the galaxy. 

We now have to decide what to do next. I think it would be nice to take some time off. What do you think? Me and you?

I can't wait to see you.

I’ll be home soon.

G.

Message Sent: 14.5 Weeks Ago.

Shepard,

The others in the crew, you know, the ones who haven’t been half-dead in the med bay the past few days have just told me what they think happened. Joker and Liara gave me an account of what they saw, and I’ve just seen EDI’s body for myself.

Be alive.

You've done the impossible before. Do that again. For me. 

G

Message Sent: 13 Weeks Ago .

You know how many times I thought you were dead? Four. 

How many times have I been wrong? At least three. I’m hoping you make it four. 

G.

Message Sent: 11 Weeks Ago.

I spent an agonising few minutes thinking you were dead, after parts of Sovereign crashed through the Presidium. But lo and behold, you climb out, relatively unscathed - grinning.  I damn near collapsed at the sight of you Shepard.  I remember you telling me, and I quote verbatim: “Become a Spectre, Vakarian. Me and you could make a living out of doing this.”  

The thought of being colleagues with the great, force of nature, Specte Shepard. Fighting against injustice side-by-side. And then, you were killed by the Collectors.

You don’t know this, but I attended your funeral. It was a big affair. Some people made merch - decorative plates, mock dogtags, banners - that kind of thing. It felt tacky. I probably have the order of service laying around somewhere. 

How does it feel knowing that I’ll have attended both of your funerals by the time I’m through in this life? I hope they recovered your body for this one. I won’t look at you in there, but I think knowing you’re in the casket this time might help me cope better. 

I’m sure there are parts of this hell forsaken galaxy holding its breath seeing what I’ll do this time without you.

What’s my point here..? I suppose, really, Shepard, it’s that in all of these times where death was certain, you came back. Back to me. You climb out of the rubble. You save me from death. You jump into action. You defend my home-moon. You shove me out of harm’s way. You take a life to save mine. 

Just this one last time, come back. I’ll do better at keeping you safe. You won’t die until you’re- what, at least 145. Things might have improved so much in that time that you could be the first 200 year old human. 

How does another 100 years (minimum) with me sound, Shepard?

Yours, 

-G.

Message Sent: 9 Weeks Ago.

Shep,

I’m having vivid dreams and even more vivid nightmares. You’re in them a lot. I’m spending a lot of time awake at night again, reflecting on the past three years. In the dark there’s you. In the light there’s you. In the in-between, there’s you. In my greatest highs, you and lowest lows, you. In revenge, and in retribution - you. In those peaceful moments you… You. You, you, you - you, and you. And, you, you, you again some more. 

I won’t be sleeping for some time. I don’t want to see you behind my eyelids anymore. Not if I have to keep opening them to empty space you used to occupy.

Garrus.

Message Sent: 8 Weeks Ago.

I made the mistake of looking at photos of you, and our times together. Cortez says it helps with coming to terms with reality. He might be right. He's been around this circuit of feelings before.

There must be a hundred things I forgot about your face. I thought I’d remembered you so well. The pictures of you show me how wrong I was. Your hair is brilliantly white, and your smile lines are so deep. Your pointy canines and goofy smile are in every picture where you’re laughing. You have the same four poses in pictures of you with the Mako, Kodiak, and Hammerhead. Your stern working-out face makes you look like you could take on fifty Harvesters at once.

You could show up as a ghost right now, and I'd feel less haunted than I do in this moment.

I’m listening to that radio station you used to when you were sad. You’re right. The soft rock of the 20th Century is soothing - everyone was miserable like me.

G.

Message Sent: 7 Weeks Ago.

It occurred to me today that the first place you touched me was also the last. Symmetry. The side of my face hasn't felt the warmth of your fingers in too long.

...Although the first time you pat me on the mandible was during a particularly rough drill session and you did it to patronise me. It still counts. Were you aware that was the first time that your ungloved hand was ever on me?

I’m thinking now Shepard, there was no need to train me that hard. Wondering if you just liked watching me work out? I caught you looking at least twice during our time fighting Saren together. And a dozen more times during the fight against the Collectors.  Funny how as time went on, we just so happened to catch each other on the Ship’s gym more often. Our schedules weren't that similar, until they were. Care to comment?

I suppose on reflection Ihave loved you for longer than I first thought… But embarrassingly Commander, I think it was you who fell first. Were you crushing on me when you propositioned? 

I'd sign this with yours, but I think a stay mine is better.

So, Shepard.

Stay mine,

G.

Message Sent: 6.5 Weeks Ago.

Was coping. Now not.

Your name went up on the wall today. I put it there. I held off on it for a few weeks as I continued to oscillate between hope and despair. But, I’ve just watched footage the explosion on the Crucible. The dream you could be out there alive is over. Some of us on here still cling to that hope. They’re fools. If Vega keeps his chipper attitude I’m going to shut him up. 

I half believe this whole damn place is some kind of purgatory. You’re in heaven, the Reapers are in hell, and we’re here. Never happy, but too well off to say we’re suffering. 

The sea laps at the shore on another beautiful day. You’re not here. 

Shepard. Honey. Love of my life. You’re dead.

G

Message Sent: 3 Weeks Ago.

Sorry for only telling you 'I love you' once.

Yours, Garrus.

Chapter Text

Shepard stretched in the hangar bay as the ship descended onto the landing zone. It had been a difficult two weeks on board the Alliance vessel.

"Making our final descent, ma'am." An alliance soldier told Shepard. "Might be a bumpy landing. Sitting is advised."

"I've jumped out of the Normandy plenty of times. So just standing as we land really is no big." Shepard replied, as she retied her hair up. "ETA?"

"With all due respect ma'am, this isn't the Normandy. It wil-"

Shepard raised her palm at the soldier, effectively cutting him off as she posed the question to him again. "ETA to LZ?"

"Three minutes, ma'am. We're situated approximately one mile from the Normandy crash site. We hope to have terrestrial vehicles alive and away ten minutes after landing."

"I'll be going on foot." Shepard replied, smiling widely. "I run a six-minute mile." She finished up her stretches, shaking her hands and feet loose as she prepared for one of her first runs since destroying the Reapers.

"Ma'am-"

"Call me Shepard. I'm not on active duty right now, Lieutenant." Shepard shot back.

"Shepard, ma'am, uh- our protocol really does dictate that we stay as a group. Who knows what could be out there? It's safer if we all make the approach to the site in the trucks." The crew member argued.

"As soon as I step foot off of this ship, I am no longer your problem." 

"Uh- well no-" the Lieutenant scrambled to reply. Feeling utterly steamrolled by Shepard's insistence. "You're technically civilian staff- and you'll be our problem even more so, ma'am."

"Look, kid. This war won't officially have ended for me until I'm reunited with my crew. I'm running as soon as I see a light break through the hangar door." Shepard grinned, determination burning in her eyes. Sympathetically, Shepard patted the lieutenant on the shoulder. "People have a habit of not being able to say no to me these days. I did save the galaxy and all. You did a good job trying - keep that attitude and you'll win more than you lose." Shepard consoled. 

"You'll hear no more from me on this matter Shepard. We're about 30 seconds out." The Lieutenant replied, a faint smile on his face.

The ship landed with minimal difficulty.  Shepard watched with fervent eyes as she waited for light to pour in the hangar bay. She shook her muscles loose again, gently warming her legs up by jogging on the spot.

It might have been the most beautiful ray of sunshine she had ever seen. Possibly, that she would ever see.

Shepard headed for the door before it had finished opening, finding the last bit all too easy to hurdle over. 

She multi-tasked running with tuning her earpiece to the frequency the Normandy crew were on. Shouting for joy when she heard their excited chatter at having seen the rescue ship land.

"This is Commander Shepard. I have your coordinates. Headed your way now." She said, hoping she wasn't too breathy as she kept her pace up. "Do you copy?"

"Commander!" Joker said, first to reply. "What's your ETA? Why am I receiving chatter from the ship that they haven't left the site yet? Are you on foot?!" 

"Affirmative. ETA for me is five minutes. ETA for vehicles is twelve to thirteen."

"You couldn't wait that extra eight minutes?"

"Hell no! Stop backchatting me and get the champagne ready to be popped, Moreau!" 

Shepard barked back, putting her authoritative voice on. She was starting to feel the ache in her body. The months of inaction had done some real damage to her fitness level.

"Yes ma'am!" Joker said back, closing out the comm.

A small chorus of "Shepard!" Rang out in her ear. 

Sweat dripped from her forehead. Shepard only now realising how humid the jungle climate was. Shepard peeled off her jacket mid-run and let it fall to the ground. She'd pick it back up later. She cursed out loud that she had chosen to wear black, even if it was just gym wear. Whatever. Her stuff was still on the Normandy, she could change later.

"I'm-" Shepard said, smiling as she drew more breath into her lungs. "Nearly there!" 

She felt her knees falter under her, but it only stiffened her resolve to continue. Pondering on it for but a second, Shepard decided to use her biotics to push her into a full-on sprint. 

The emerald green of the forest passed her by pleasingly quickly, and the Normandy was beginning to emerge in the background.

She screamed a war cry. Someone, she guessed Vega, shouted one back a second later.

Good. She was close. She ignored the aches of her body, knowing that she could rest and rest well in a few short moments. She could stop looking at every doorway with longing for the people she loved, hoping that they’d be the next ones to walk through the door.

She ran her forearm across her brow and eyes to clear them and saw a couple of figures running towards her. Then more. Then even more, until all of them stood in a small group in a clearing not 50 metres away.

She didn't know what to say or how to say it. Shepard just wanted to shout and cry and hold them. Tears joined the sweat in her eyes and her legs faltered once more. She stumbled and fell to the ground, but shoved herself back upright with her arms, using her biotics to assist her. 

"Using biotics to get here? You missed us that much?" James shouted. "Gee Lola, should I be blushin' or something?!" He bounded forward, ready to catch her if she needed. “Hey- hey. You alright?”

Shepard’s lungs burned with a furiosity she hadn’t felt since boot camp ten years ago. It gave her a loud apprehension, yet also joy to know she had a long way to climb in order to get back to her prior level of fitness. 

She stopped a couple of metres in front of James, immediately hunching over to catch her breath. "Good… to see… you… too… Vega." Shepard panted, hands on her knees. 

James hung a small towel over the back of her neck. "Do me a favour, wipe yourself down before hugging me. Or any of us."

“Who… says you’re… getting a hug…. at all junior?” Shepard replied, letting the towel soak up some of the sweat on her neck. It felt so soft and nice against her skin. As she regained the ability to stand upright and breathe, she went to grab it to clean up her face but didn't have a chance. 

"I'll do the last bit of biotics to get you close, Commander." Kaidan exclaimed, manipulating his hands to gesture Shepard towards him, glowing his signature blue, looking relatively unscathed - except as per email - was beginning to go grey.

Shepard was in Kaidan's arms before she had really gathered what had happened. She wrapped her arms around his neck and held him as tightly as she could. "We did it." 

"Never doubted you," Kaidan replied, holding her torso so tightly he was bound to leave hand prints. "Except for your spell with Cerberus- but we won't talk about that. Can we get some water for the Commander?" He asked those around him. He pulled back from the embrace, using the towel around Shepard's neck to tenderly wipe her forehead and eyes and cheeks. "You crying, Onyx?" He whispered, dabbing underneath her eyes once more. 

"And what?" Shepard retorted defensively, allowing herself to be wiped down. She could see dark patches on his clothes where she had gotten him wet but was too overjoyed to be embarrassed.

"I am too." Kaidan said softly, as he moved his head to let her see the glint in his eyes. “It's so good to have you back, but don't worry I won’t hog you,” he motioned to the other crewmates standing behind him. He gave her one more big hug, which was eagerly reciprocated. “Okay. Go ahead.” 

Shepard pulled away from his grip somewhat reluctantly but knew they had time later. Quietly she said. “XO Alenko stands relieved.”

“One of these days Onyx, a joke of yours might land,” Kaidan replied dryly. “But keep on trying.”

“Watch yourself.” Shepard jokingly warned, patting him on the shoulder. 

She moved to greedily take in the sight of her crew. Garrus wasn’t amongst them. “Where is he?” She asked. 

“Aw thanks Commander. I suppose I'm not the right him?” Joker said sarcastically, from the side crossing his arms. 

“I assume you mean Garrus. He’s on his way.” Liara said. “I think he’s scared that it’s a dream. That you aren’t going to turn out to be alive.”

“He’s scared?” Shepard asked. “Fine. You get me for five minutes and then I’m going to find him.” Shepard then addressed her team firmly, deciding to get back into the swing of things immediately. “Munitions, food and supplies will be here soon, and I’m going to need some kind of cookout situation going. I need you to assist the Alliance staff with transferring things from their trucks, into our cargo bay. If personnel changes are needed, we can sort that out after the supplies are on board. I’m not going to force anyone to stay here to fix the ol’ gal if they wish to return to Earth or their colonies-”

“You’re eating into our five minutes to give us orders Commander. Can we be together in joy for this time, and do as you say afterwards?” Traynor suggested, adding on, “Ma’am.” as if that made her words any more respectful.

“Sure thing.” Shepard said, holding out her arms happily with a smile. “I’m sweaty and broken though, so bear that in mind.”

A few of them rushed forward at once and they all spent the next few minutes excitedly chatting and hugging. Shepard hadn’t been pulled this way and that so much since being in battle. She looked on at the faces of those who had missed her and though kept a stiff-enough upper lip, did find her resolve weakening. 

Joker was easiest to deal with, a kind nod and a quip were all they needed to share. Liara was clingier, as was Traynor; both of them grabbing her arms and torso and wanting that tactile confirmation that she was actually there. Vega went in for a hug and ended up getting a punch to the shoulder. He respected that enormously. She got a few glances at the Normandy too. There was a huge, crude sign hanging from it welcoming her home. She wondered if it were there to hide a hole in the bodywork. She’d inspect it later.

As she looked at the Normandy she was thinking of the first place to look for Garrus. There were the usual suspects, of course. But, it had been four months of misery. Hell, he’d gone off the rails when she’d ‘died’ before. Would this death have fundamentally changed him?

“Time’s up.” Shepard announced, with no clue as to how much time had passed. “Your devotion to me is noted. Get some kind of communal celebration going. I want a cool drink ready upon my return.” she smiled gladly.

The crowd around her peeled away, and as the sound of Alliance vehicles got louder from the direction Shepard had run from, they immediately got to work following orders.

Despite only being 100m from the Normandy’s hangar bay, Shepard ran at full speed. Wasting time was not in the stars today. And perhaps, never again. She'd spent too many years in her life being injured, or stationary or on-ice.

As she bounded up a few flights of stairs, she shouted. “GARRUS!” 

Her voice echoed around the shell of the Normandy. She didn’t stop moving, instead continuing to the main battery room. She hoped he was there; she felt like she was always having to run and fight her way back to him and it was irksome to have so much prelude. Shepard wanted to hold the man she loved. Sooth his aching soul a bit. Let him see her in the flesh and dare to believe she was here to stay.

She let out a huff of frustration as she sprinted to the door, opening it impatiently. She half expected him to be elsewhere, as if it would be too easy to find him the first place she looked.

Shepard was met face to face with Garrus Vakarian, who had been standing behind the door, armed. The red hue of the battery room bathed him in a menacing light.

"Garrus." Shepard said, smiling, on the verge of tearing up. "I-" she looked at his weapon. "Want to lower that?"

“I- uh.” Garrus said, lowering and then holstering his pistol. He looked at her closely; scrutinising her face and body and expression. “Reflex.”

“Expecting someone else?” Shepard asked.

She wanted to go fully into the room with him, to touch him again. But it was tense - l ike some form of hostage negotiation, where they were playing both the perpetrator and victim simultaneously. 

Shepard reached out her hand. “Garrus.” She looked at him with a nervous smile. "I'm real."

“I don’t know what I’m going to do if this turns out to be some elaborate hoax, Shepard.”

Shepard nodded. She moved her hand up so it was in his direct line of sight and held up four fingers. “In our time of knowing each other, you’ve thought I’ve died on four separate occasions. You’re four-for-four wrong. Don’t you think it’s time to stop betting against me?” She smiled softly. “I’m here, and real, and alive.”

Garrus took a half-step closer. In the dreams and nightmares he had over the past few months, she had never seemed so vivid. He could see stray, white hairs clinging to her flushed, red face. He could hear her laboured breaths, and could see the nebulae of bruises painted across her abdomen and shoulders. 

She wiped away beads of sweat which had pooled on her upper lip, her other arm still outstretched. 

Garrus took hold of Shepard’s wrist, folding each of her fingers down one at a time, utterly transfixed. He could feel her hand’s warmth. Its softness. Its vibrant pulse. Its pale, scarred surface. He met her eyes and breathed a sigh of utter relief. 

The hairs on Shepard’s arms shot up at the contact, not having been held so tenderly and gently as this since they'd parted.

“You’re actually here, aren’t you?” He said. 

“I’m here.” Shepard confirmed with confidence.

Garrus dropped to his knees in front of Shepard and wrapped his arms as tightly as he could around her hips. His face pressed sideways into her stomach. He was gentle with his head, as to not add injuries to her discoloured torso. “I mourned, and I suffered.” Garrus murmured against her skin. “Again.”

Shepard looked down at the man on his knees, she ran the back of her knuckles against one of his mandibles lovingly. “And all you really had to do was miss me. Above and beyond as usual, Garrus.” She prized his hands off of her, holding them in her own as she crouched down into a kneel, careful not to knee him in the face. She pressed their bodies together and looked up at him.

“It’s my flare for the dramatic.” Garrus replied, resting his head against hers. He exhaled as if he’d been holding his breath for years. It was slow and long and deep. He revelled in having her close again. Her body slightly different, but still so familiar. It fit in his hands the same, but parts of her were far more textured than they had been. Patches of dryness, near-scalelike - and then lumps and bumps and angry-looking surgery scars. He'd learn her all over again.

“How were your injuries?” Shepard asked. Now she was up close, she could see what remained of them. 

“Burns pretty much everywhere. Bits of my armour had fused into my body- my, uh.” he coughed, awkwardly. “My carapace is- it’s pretty mangled. So I hope you aren’t too put off by the disfigurement.”

“You say that like I’d be disgusted.” she leant back propping herself up with her arm. With her torso elongated, she put on display the remnants of her injuries. “I always did think I looked too smooth and fresh after Cerberus fixed my body. They even got rid of my appendectomy scar. Now look at me; fucked up. These ridges ain’t ever disappearing.”

Garrus laughed. “Outdoing me on the scar-front. Very classy, Shepard.”

“You seem to think I’m a catch still.” Shepard moved a hand to the side of his face and looked at him head on. “Let’s go take my name off of the memorial wall. You can do the honours, as you’re the one who put it up.”

“Trying to give me closure?”

“No. I’m hoping it marks the beginning.” Shepard explained. “I don’t know what will happen next, but I want it to be with you.”

“I want it to be with you too.” Garrus replied. He got back onto his feet, pulling Shepard up with him. “Each time Vakarian is without Shepard, he goes a little insane. Us being together is a public service; for the greater good, and those around us.”

“We’re insufferable.” Shepard offered, grinning.

 “No, Shepard.” Garrus said softly. “We’re meant to be.”