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It's quiet, the sizzle of bacon being made filling the kitchen, Dean's rich humming joining it. This was Castiel's favorite part of Earth, the feeling he got from waking up each and every morning to another day with Dean, somehow filled with both surprise and comfort. Cas slowly winds an arm around Dean's waist, pressing a kiss behind his boyfriend's ear as Dean tenses up in response to the touch.
"It's just me, Dean," Cas reassures, wrapping another arm around Dean to pull him into a backwards sort-of hug. Dean only resumes his humming in response, relaxing back against Cas as his continues to watch the bacon cook, the picture of domestic life.
Sighing, Dean turns around to face Cas, blinking several times before resting his head on Castiel's shoulder, exhaling loudly. "Sorry I woke you," he says softly, "I tried to be quiet, I swear." Dean's voice is growing louder, turning into more of a laugh than a genuine apology, his breath coming out in warm puffs against Cas' collarbone.
Castiel says nothing for a moment, his only response wrapping his arms tighter around Dean and smiling. Eventually, the words come to him, his voice coming out solemn. "Dean, I'm so sorry you had another dream about someone hurting the Impala," Cas manages, making it to the last syllable before his voice cracks and a laugh escapes him.
Dean's mouth falls open, looking up at Cas with playful offense in his eyes. "You know her name is Baby, Cas, watch what you say about her. She was my lady far before you came into the picture," he threatens, but it's all in jest. Sometimes, Cas is painfully aware that the Impala probably has better social skills than him, but he's made it this far without them and it seems to be something Dean finds amusing, at the very least.
They're sharing a moment, noses touching and breaths ghosting between them, the very thought of a forever like this making Cas' heart squeeze, though that was anatomically impossible. Everything goes warm inside of Cas during moments like these, growing warmer as Dean's lips meet his in a soft gesture that makes Cas smile. This happens more often than not on mornings like these; they'll try to kiss and just end up smiling with their lips together, leaving Castiel perfectly satisfied with the life he's made for himself, with the love he's given into.
"Is the bacon ready?" Jack calls, his footsteps ringing out down the hall as Dean clears his throat and rolls his eyes, resting his forehead against Cas'.
"Yeah," Dean responds, "Not like Cas and I were doing anything here, so yeah, sure, the bacon's ready."
Cas offers Dean a reassuring smile and readjusts their hug, motioning for Dean to rest his head on Cas' shoulder again. Dean presses a gentle kiss against Cas' neck and Cas blushes, moving a hand up to run through Dean's short hair. Castiel never understood human intimacy until he held Dean like this, really allowed himself to sink into cradling his lover, and then it all made sense. There was something calming in their loving embrace, something that Cas couldn't get anywhere else, not even from sex. His heart hummed when he held Dean, like they were created to be a pair, to cradle each other like this and never let go.
Jack enters the kitchen and snatches up fresh bacon from the frying pan, turning the burner off as he does so. Dean tenses up, but Castiel just runs another hand through his hair, a wordless reminder that it was alright, that other people were allowed to see him in such a vulnerable state. Jack and Sam have seen Dean and Cas display affection; they all lived in close quarters and that made total privacy nearly impossible. Still, Castiel knew there was a part of Dean that didn't like being vulnerable, that didn't think showing affection for others was something to be displayed.
The sound of a plate being set down makes Cas turn to look at Jack, who in turn is staring right back at Cas. "You two have been hugging for a while," Jack notes, drawing instant responses from both Cas and Dean.
"Fuck off," Dean says, his face still buried in the space between Cas' neck and collarbone.
"Dean had a nightmare," Castiel explains, and that seems to be enough for Jack, who nods and begins eating his breakfast.
Eventually, Dean and Cas separate and settle down to eat their breakfasts alongside Jack, Sam wandering in a little while later with bedhead. Dean laughs and Cas cracks a smile, commenting how "If you turn your head, it looks a bit like you've got moose antlers," and then resuming eating his meal. Even Sam laughs at that, a low sound still filled with sleep, and then Jack is asking Sam why his voice is weird and Sam's explaining it's a sleep thing and, wow, it feels right.
Dean wraps an arm around Cas and smiles, sighing. "We're like a little goddamn family, aren't we? I mean, we are family, but we're like, a family, y'know?" Dean chuckles, drawing a raised eyebrow from Sam. "Look," Dean clarifies, "It's just, God, we're all here, eating a meal, happy, and yeah, we've lost people, but this feels right."
Castiel cocks his head and furrows his eyebrows, suddenly filled with a cold feeling in his chest. It's sorrow, sorrow at all they've lost, at everyone they've lost, and a large sorrow at how accustomed Dean has grown to losing people. Both his parents were in Heaven, well within Cas' power to pull down to Earth for just a few moments, he doubted anyone would even notice that John and Mary were gone, really,
"Jesus Christ!" Dean shouts, desperately grabbing for something to cling onto in his shock, gripping Cas' arm and the table like it's some sort of pool floatie.
John and Mary Winchester were standing in the small open area of the kitchen, looking between Dean, Sam, Cas, and Jack as if they were as confused as everyone else was, and it hits Cas that he maybe thought about bringing John and Mary back to Earth a little too hard. Sam looks nearly sick, completely still and pale, while Dean still desperately clings to the table, having slightly released Cas' arm. Jack, however, looks incredibly intrigued, narrowing his eyes at John and Mary as if he was studying them.
Cas abruptly stands from his chair at the table, jittery from all the attention. "Hello, John Winchester, Mary Winchester," Cas starts, drawing a dry chuckle from Dean - likely an expression of sarcasm - as he continues speaking. "We were just having a family breakfast and I thought a bit too intensely about the two of you joining us. I apologize." Slowly, Cas settles back into his chair, waiting for something to happen, for anyone to say something.
The silence shatters as Mary waves a hand in Cas' direction, shrugging. "If we're here," she says, moving a strand of her wavy blond hair from her face before settling down in an empty seat next to Jack. John takes a moment longer to settle in than his wife did, looking between everyone at the table like they were suspects in a murder mystery before settling down between Mary and Sam. He seemed unsettled, but in all of Cas' experience with Dean's father, he always seemed to be wearing a skeptical impression, and Cas did not take that personally.
There's a shooting pain in Cas' leg before he realizes Dean has kicked him, pulling at his hand under the table. Dean doesn't need to ask Cas to talk to him out of earshot of his parents for Castiel to understand that is exactly what Dean wants, and Cas nearly pats himself on the back for his improving social awareness. He doesn't really know what to say and so he says nothing as he stands, wandering into a nearby room with Dean on his heels.
It only takes a minute for Dean to figure out what he wants to say, to gather the words to express his frustration. "Why? Why'd you do that, Cas? We were having a good breakfast, I was having a good breakfast."
"Why does your parents being at the breakfast make it not a good breakfast?" Castiel asks, trying his best to come off as genuine, as that's what the question was. Having grown up - Cas wasn't sure what he did was called growing up - without a family or a meaningful set of parents it made no sense to him why it wasn't a good thing, why Dean was taking it all so negatively.
Dean shakes his head, a shuddering sigh escaping his lips. Cas reaches out a hand, but Dean avoids it, opting to pace instead. "I can't," Dean starts, abruptly stopping before restarting, giving his head a small shake, "I don't know how," Dean shakes his head once more, "I just wanted to be around you for a while, alright?"
"Why can't you just 'be around me' while your parents are here?"
"Goddammit, Cas!" Dean shouts, quickly reeling himself back in before looking at Cas, "I want to touch you, okay? Not anything crazy, not with my brother and Jack around, but," Dean exhales, reaching out slowly for Castiel's hand. Threading his fingers through Cas', Dean inhales calmly, continuing. "I can't hold your hand like this in front of them, I can't bury my head in your shoulder in front of them, I can't kiss you in front of them, fuck, I can't do anything in front of them."
Castiel nods slowly, beginning to understand. "You do not think they would take you being in a relationship well?"
A saddened smile grows on Dean's face, his gaze dropping to the floor. "Not sure my dad would even see what we have as a proper relationship," he chuckles, but there's no feeling behind it, no meaning. It's meant to deflect Dean's true sorrow, the emptiness that even Cas can see growing inside Dean's chest. "That's why I'm jumpy, Cas, 'cause I'm afraid. Shit, Castiel, I'm so fucking scared," Dean says, his voice shaking, squeezing Cas' hand in his.
Cas nods, squeezing Dean's hand in return. "You have nothing to be afraid of," he reassures, "I can send them back to Heaven, I'm sure. Just give me a few moments to concentrate."
Dean shakes his head, dropping Cas' hand. "No, it's alright. They're here, and I still want to talk to them. We'll just," Dean sighs, "Nothing. We should go back, save Sam and Jack from my parents?" Dean laughs, but there's no meaning behind it, just an empty noise to make Cas feel better. It stings, hearing Dean put on a façade for Cas, someone he should never have to hide his true emotions from. He shouldn't have brought John and Mary here, Cas knew that, but it wasn't on purpose and Dean didn't want them to leave now, so what was Cas even supposed to do other than follow Dean's lead?
Settling back into their seats in the kitchen, Dean and Castiel are silent, though Sam and Mary are plenty talkative. Jack seems to be sitting back and taking it all in, looking at Dean with a furrowed eyebrow but staying quiet. It's only when Dean refuses to make eye contact with anyone that John clears his throat, Dean's eyes snapping up to look at his father.
"So, are you gonna talk to us?" John asks, his voice gruff as he stares at Dean. It's not a secret what John is trying to do, attempting to intimidate his son into conversation, but Cas' insides light with fire at the mere thought of John making Dean feel less than.
Dean shrugs, leaning back in his chair. "Not much to talk about, really. Life is life and Cas summoned you here by accident, so," Dean trails off, looking over to Sam with wide eyes.
Sam only rolls his eyes in response, a sign that he thinks Dean is being overdramatic, which Cas had to admit Dean did quite often.
John clears his throat and all eyes snap up to him once more. "C'mon, boys, no girlfriends, wives, kids? Sam, didn't you want a dog when you were younger? Why don't you at least get a dog?" John questions, all of his commentary making Dean tense up beside Cas. There's nothing Castiel wants more in that moment than to rest his hand on Dean's shoulder, to reassure him that everything will be okay, but he's got no idea what Dean's boundaries are in front of his parents, and he holds back the gesture of affection out of caution.
"John, I think that was Dean that wanted the dog," Mary adds, resting a hand on her husband's shoulder as she speaks, mirroring Cas' urge to soothe Dean.
Groaning, John shrugs the hand off. "Well, seeing as the boys live together, it doesn't quite matter which one of 'em wanted the dog, does it? They'd both be taking care of it, seeing as they've got nothing else going on," John rambles, clearly angry at the lack of interest his sons are showing in the conversation.
"We've got plenty going on," Jack says, choosing this moment to speak up for some reason, "I mean, Sam, Dean, and Castiel are my guardians, and we live a lot like a family." Jack throws in a smile at the end, looking to Dean for approval, but all Dean offers back is a small nod.
John is about to respond when Sam cuts him off, sensing the growing tension. "We are, yeah. I wouldn't say we live like a family, I would say we are a family." Dean turns to look at Cas following Sam's words, reaching a hand under the table to squeeze Cas' leg. As Sam continues talking, Cas can sense the growing resolve inside Dean, the urge to say something bubbling up inside his lover. "All of us," Sam says, "We've sacrificed for each other, sometimes given our lives just to sit here at this table and have breakfast like a family, and I think Cas just wanted to show you guys that, get the rest of the Winchester family to sit down and be happy alongside us. If you don't want to be here, that's fine, but we like calm mornings like today. It means the world isn't ending."
The room falls deadly silent, the only sounds present being Jack's chair legs scraping on the floor as he goes to put his dishes in the sink, soft footsteps like a metronome. Castiel feels the words growing in his throat, a desperate need to end the silence building inside of him, but it's not his place, he knows that. This moment was supposed to be for Dean, even for Sam, and he wasn't going to make it harder on them by interrupting time they're probably using to think, to process everything that Cas has started.
It's Dean who clears his throat, coughing slightly as he weaves his fingers through Cas' and then rests their joined hands on the edge of the table. He looks on the brink of words, but still he stays silent, Cas lightly rubbing his thumb over Dean's hand to comfort him, to convey everything he won't say out loud.
I'm here for you, I've got you.
"Mom, Dad," Dean starts, his voice shaky, "You know Cas, Castiel, Angel of the Lord," he rambles, and Cas knows it's his way of calming himself, of getting the nervous energy to fade. Dean falls silent for a moment, his eyes beading with tears, and without thinking, Castiel lays his head down on Dean's shoulder, a solid weight he knows will calm Dean down, will remind him that he's loved. "Cas is my everything," Dean squeezes out, his voice strained from holding back tears, "I was scared for almost my entire life that I was unlovable. That the most I would ever get was a couple good one-night stands, and then I'd be right back to being alone. I can't even say all the shit Cas has helped me pull together, figure out, and fix about myself. Cas taught me that I'm a good person, that I deserve good things, and you can say whatever you want about it, but I love Castiel."
Silence weighs down on everyone, the atmosphere in the room thickening as the minutes tick by. All Castiel wants to do is take Dean in his arms and breathe, just breathe alongside him, remind him that he was here, that he wasn't going anywhere, but Dean already knew that, he didn't need another reminder. Dean had taught Cas to accept that he had feelings too, that despite being without them for so long, everything Cas felt was real, and for that reason, Cas understood that he didn't necessarily want to hug Dean to comfort Dean; Cas wanted to hug Dean and never let go to make himself feel right, to convince himself that Dean was truly his, that Dean really did love him.
Mary inhales and then Cas' thoughts are scrambled, all his attention focusing on the woman sitting across the table from him, a wide smile on her face. "I'm very happy you found someone, Dean. We love you, and if I had just known how hurt you were feeling," Mary says, her voice filled with sorrow, "Well, I'm not sure what I could have done, but it pains me to hear how you felt, and I'm very glad Castiel is helping you through all of it."
Cas can feel Dean blooming, his anxiety fading away under the kind words from his mother, and Cas almost kisses Dean right then, desperate to share some connection with his lover. Instead, Cas lets Dean savor the moment, sparing glances around the table at the others' expressions. Sam looks exhausted, the entire conversation likely as stressful for him as it had been for Castiel, if not more stressful. Jack is still mulling around the kitchen, likely having either tuned the entire conversation out or just keeping suspiciously busy to quell his own anxieties. Mary looks genuine, her eyes fixed on Dean, but beside her, John looks stunned, his expression growing more unreadable by the second, a dark feeling growing in Cas' chest.
"You're kidding," John spits, eyes focused on Castiel rather than Dean, "You see what you've done? You see what you've done to him?" Eyebrows furrowing, Castiel stays silent, not sure what John is playing at. "Don't give me that look, you know what you've done," John repeats, the malice in his tone growing as he stares down Cas.
Sam is the first one to respond, looking from Castiel to John. "Cas didn't do anything, Dad, and we're all happy, so why do you care?"
John laughs - more out of disbelief than anything else - before shaking his head and turning to look at Dean. "What did he do to you? Is he possessing you, hypnotizing you, druggin' you?" John yells, shoving a concerned hand from Mary off of him. "Dean, you answer me right now. What did this faggy creature do?"
Everything goes silent, John's words like a pin dropping. Dean blinks once, slowly, swallowing thickly before standing from his seat and slamming his hand down on the table. "Don't call Cas that," Dean says, his voice sharp but soft, a quiet anger Cas has only seen from him a few times, reserved for when he's at his most hurt. "Call me a faggot, cocksucker, fairy, queer, anything, anything at all as much as you'd like, but don't you dare talk to Cas like that."
"Dean," John starts, his tone scolding, but a hand on his shoulder silences him.
Jack clears his throat and looks at Castiel, his voice calm and collected. "Can I send him away now?"
Looking to Dean, Cas nods, and then John is gone, everyone relaxing save for Dean. He's still standing, tense, his jaw set with determination but his hands shaking, a cue that he's barely hanging on, that he's one thread away from falling apart. Cas stands and takes Dean into his arms without a word, holding Dean's head against his chest, willing his vessel's heart to beat in order to soothe Dean. "Focus on my heartbeat," Castiel instructs, "Count the beats for me, Dean."
Dean shakes his head, pushing back against Cas' chest, moving away from him, backing himself against the wall. "Shit," he cusses, his voice cracking, "I can't do this. I can't, Mom," Dean casts a look towards Mary, who simply nods to him and offers a small smile, which seems to be what Dean needs. "I have to be alone," he says, and then Dean is gone, footsteps growing farther away by the second.
"Mom," Sam says, looking down at his hands, "Thank you. For not freaking out on Dean. Even if you're not alright with it, even if you're mad at him, he's more mad at himself about it. And Cas is good, he really loves Dean."
Cas smiles, nodding. "I do. Dean is, well, my reason for existence. I have always been destined to fall in love with the righteous man, though I did not think it would be this literal."
Mary laughs and lays a hand on Sam's, shaking her head slowly. "I don't know why your father reacted like that. He knows better, and I really am happy for Dean, I promise. I'll talk to your father, get his head on straight, and maybe then Castiel can bring us back for an apology?" Mary looks to Cas, her eyes sparkling with something hopeful.
"Of course," Cas replies smoothly, "And I do not take offense by John's words. I understand it is," Castiel pauses for a moment, searching for a word, "Tough for some humans to comprehend a bond like Dean and I's. Be it the fact that we both appear male or the fact that I am not human, I understand John's uncertainty, though I do not forgive him."
"I don't expect you to forgive him, especially after you brought us here for a meal and we ruined it. I'm sorry, Castiel."
Rather than replying, Cas solemnly nods and leans forward, touching his fingers to Mary's forehead. Castiel tingles as she fades, her energy buzzing through his arm, making him aware of his vessel; he had not stopped his heart from beating since using it to calm Dean down, the thudding in his chest making him feel nearly human for a moment, the sensation stunning. He collapses back into his chair, looking to Jack. "I am sorry you had to hear that."
Sam begins speaking before Jack can reply, and maybe that's for the better. "Jack and I will do the dishes," Sam offers, though Cas knows it's more of an order, "You should go check on Dean. Just don't push it, alright? Our dad was, or maybe is, shitty, but he's still our dad."
Cas thinks about that as he leaves the kitchen, looking for Dean. If John had said things to Dean in the past regarding his sexuality, then why did Dean never mention it to Castiel? Why did Dean still respect his father if he was as awful to Dean as was implied, and why did Dean put up with it? Cas accepted that there were questions in the world that he didn't have the answer to, that he might never understand, but he needed to understand Dean, had to know what was going through his lover's mind. How else could he be expected to talk him through it, to make sure Dean was alright?
Turning the corner, Cas sees Dean, backed into a corner with his arms wrapped around himself, his head tipped back against the wall to look at the ceiling, long, deep breaths leaving him. Castiel approaches slowly, making enough noise that Dean can hopefully hear him coming, so that he won't be scared. Dean doesn't look down, doesn't look at Cas, not even when the man is right in front of him, holding out a hand but hesitating to touch him, unsure if he was going to cross a line.
"May I hold you?" Cas asks, and then it's like the world is right again, Dean practically collapsing into Cas' arms as they sink down to the floor. Dean's arms are wrapped around Cas as tightly as possible, holding onto him as if he were a lifeline. Dean is shaking, his breath coming out in short gasps as he curls as close to Castiel as possible, clinging to him like a koala to its branch.
They sit like that for a while, not speaking, just breathing, Cas letting Dean process things in his own time. As difficult as it is for Cas to stay silent, to keep his questions about Dean's wellbeing inside his head, he knows Dean doesn't need an interrogation, just comfort. Castiel feels guilty for finding Dean's embrace comforting, but it is, the soft scent of Dean surrounding him, the warm heat of a human body engulfing him.
For a moment, there is peace.
"Cas," Dean says weakly, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he babbles, his voice still soft. He presses his face into Cas, and Castiel can then feel the litany of shaky sorrys against his skin.
Running a hand through Dean's hair, Castiel exhales, knowing it soothes Dean to feel Cas breathing against him. "No, Dean, I am sorry. I was caught up in the idea of family and I didn't think of all the downsides my actions could have, even if they were accidental." Cas' voice is steady, exactly what Dean needs, but it's not what Cas needs. Cas needs to know if Dean is alright, needs to make sure he didn't ruin anything, didn't hurt Dean with his mistake. "Are you alright?"
Dean sighs, moving his head away from Cas' chest so he can look up at him, his eyes rimmed with red. "I feel stupid, Cas. I feel like a coward. I mean, my whole life I was told that I'd be happy with a nice human girl, and then I end up with an angel dude. If that wasn't enough, I can't even nut up enough to tell my family on my own, not even Sam. I didn't even tell him, Cas, I couldn't. He just saw me standin' there, lookin' all beat up about something and then he knew. He told me I was in love with you, not the other way around. Guess I was just lucky to get a response like that, with the way my dad raised Sam and me, but," Dean pauses, shifting to hide himself from Castiel, as if he had something to be ashamed of. "How can you put up with me? I'm an asshole, and a coward, and I'm so fucking difficult. Why do you care about me so much?"
There's a break in Dean's voice that tells Cas Dean is genuinely wondering, genuinely curious how Castiel deals with him. It's not that simple, Cas wants to say, I know all these things and I still love you. But he can't, can't dismiss Dean so easily, not when he knows exactly what Dean needs to hear, even if it takes Castiel putting his feelings truly out there, letting Dean see every inch of him. Though Cas will tell Dean every day that he loves him, Dean doesn't understand how much, can't understand how much, because it's nearly unfathomable.
It's infinite.
"Dean, I will tell you this every single day for the rest of forever: You mean everything to me in a way I cannot even comprehend. You look at yourself and see a broken man, but I look at you and I see someone trying his hardest to put himself back together, to be better. You say you are an asshole, but you're the most amazing, kind, good person I have ever and will ever know. You say you are a coward, yet you face life with a courage many people cannot comprehend, and you persevere in even the worst of times. You have been through so much, and you still do not think you have been through enough. I do not think you are difficult, Dean, I think you are human. To be human is to be complex, to feel everything deeply, to experience the true meaning of existence. Every feeling, every experience you go through, it is beautiful, because you are human, and to be alive is to be difficult, for no good thing was ever easy.
"If I could wipe all doubt about my love for you, I would, but for now I will just enjoy the fact that your doubt about my love gives me an opportunity to repeat it over and over again: I love you, Dean Winchester, I love you. I love you now, and I will love you tomorrow. I will love you the day after that and the day following that day; I will love you until your lungs give out, and I will love you after. Even when the universe ceases to exist, a part of me will gravitate towards you, and I will recreate the Earth and stars just to hold you again."
Dean is just looking at Cas, his green eyes piercing. Somehow, Castiel feels even more vulnerable with those eyes on him, but then Dean closes them and leans in, breathing Cas' air before their lips meet.
He's kissed Dean before, thousands of times, enough to cover both of their bodies ten times over, but this is different. It feels like flying, like falling, like a combination of both. It's jumping from a cliff and praying you have wings, clinging to life and hope and love. It's warm and sweet and soft and dangerous and hot and real; it's breathtakingly human, and it's the most beautiful thing Castiel has ever known.