Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“We’re both trapped. Me outside, him inside. I pound on the glass wall separating us. My forehead is pressed against it and my tears are causing the glass to fog up slightly. Opera music is playing somewhere. I yell and I cry, but my father can’t hear me. He’s completely still in the glass pod, bleeding from a wound on his leg.” Lauren’s eyes were closed and she was only acutely aware of Barney holding her hand. 

“The man in the suit is behind me- I can see his reflection in the glass. He just stands there, smirking in his usual way. When I turn around to plead with him, he’s gone. All I want is to enter the glass box… lift the shell of the pod, hold my father’s hand. I turn around and start pleading to thin air. And then… I wake up. And, somewhere between the vision and reality, I see him again, in the room. He’s still smirking.” Lauren continued, “And then… I realize I’m trapped. He’s built a prison of visions and memories to keep me in.”

She felt another hand squeeze her shoulder and she opened her eyes. Gordon was sitting on her other side, his emerald green eyes full of sympathy and sadness. 

“What do you mean?” Barney inquired. Lauren swallowed hard and turned to him.

“He used to just show me memories… but now he’s showing me visions of the present, back in Michigan. Every single time I close my eyes.” 

“Michigan? Lo, there is no Michigan. Not anymore. The United States as we knew it… it’s all gone.” Barney squeezed her hand gently.  

“Aperture is underground. It survived the takeover and the bombings. The parking lot is gone, the main building with all the elevators is gone… but it’s still there. My father is still there.” She whispered, proceeding to stare down at the floor. 

“There’s something else that remains of Aperture.” Eli spoke up, having been mostly silent for the past ten minutes. The three looked at the elderly scientist and he cleared his throat before continuing. “The Borealis. It’s a ship, or rather, project, that Aperture undertook shortly before the Resonance Cascade and Seven-Hour War. We don’t know a lot about it, but there’s vast teleportation technology on it. Our research so far has revealed that it fades in and out of existence.” 

“How is that possible?” Barney inquired skeptically. 

“Portal technology.” Eli replied, “Aperture was well-known for its advancements in that field.” He turned to Lauren. “Lauren, did you happen to see any applications of that technology when you were there?” 

Lauren rubbed her temples hard. 

“I…I think so. I vaguely remember going to some demonstrations when I was a kid. But… I don’t really remember anything having to do with portals. All I can remember right now is… seeing people bouncing up and down in a test chamber?” She squinted. 

“Huh?” Eli frowned. 

“I don’t know… there was like, this blue stuff on the floor that was bouncy? They took us into a lab and let us kids drop some small items on a sample of the stuff. I remember I dropped a lego brick on it and it bounced right back into my hand.” 

“Interesting,” Eli remarked, “Black Mesa stole lots of patents from Aperture but nothing like that, at least not to my knowledge.” 

“How come you never told me about this stuff, Lo? I’m not mad, just curious.” Barney asked her. 

“Well, considering you were working for Black Mesa, I felt it was taboo. But before that, when we first met… it just didn’t come up.” She shrugged and gave him a sheepish smile. A heavy silence fell over the room. 

“Pardon me for interrupting this commune, but I must speak with the Lauren urgently.” The four looked up to see Zai in the lounge’s doorway seconds later. 

“...What about?” Lauren inquired nervously. She’d barely spoken with the vortigaunt over the past week despite her harrowing meeting with the man in the suit. 

“We must discuss this matter in complete privacy. Come along.” The alien gestured for her to follow him with his clawed hand. 

“...I’ll be back, guys.” She told the scientists and her fiance before standing up and following the alien out the door. He led her through the base and then outside, into the chilly November air. She zipped up her blue hoodie, also blowing on her cold hands. 

“I implore you to sit.” Zai gestured to a wooden chair that was sitting by one of the bunkers. Shit. 

“This is bad, isn’t it?” Lauren stuffed her hands into her pockets. 

“Indeed.” The vortigaunt confirmed solemnly.  

“Okay, what is it? I… I can take it.” She said, although the latter part of her sentence was simply a facade in order to reassure herself. Zai hummed. 

“How are you feeling?” He asked after a moment’s pause. Lauren let her guard down slightly due to the simplicity of the question.  

“Pretty okay, honestly. I mean, I don’t like seeing what that man is showing me, but at least I know my father’s still alive.” She sighed. 

“The suited man is manipulating you once again. He plays with your emotions and abuses your desperation.” Zai said bluntly. 

“I know. I… I shouldn’t have double crossed him.” She swallowed hard. 

“Your condition makes you far more vulnerable to such an attack.”

“I know.” She frowned. “But… wait a minute, I never told you about my-” 

“A vortigaunt has strong intuition in regards to the human psyche. I knew, but I did not want to unsettle you.” The alien said calmly. 

“Zai, you can’t keep things from me anymore! If something’s happening, or going to happen, I need to know!” She snapped. 

“Do not get upset. I am merely trying to protect you. You are vulnerable.” 

“Protect me from what? Gordon and Eli said that you can intervene when the man appears to me, but you never have!” 

“Such intervention can have unpleasant consequences for all parties. If I foresee that said intervention shall have drastically bad consequences, I do not proceed unless it is a matter of life and death. I must also have the needed support from my kin.” 

“But he’s starting to break me down, Zai. I see Aperture everytime I close my eyes. He wants me to go crazy from seeing the same thing over and over again.” Lauren choked. 

“I am very much aware of the suited man’s endgame. That is why we are speaking. But I am afraid that I do not know how to best help you. I must consult with my kin.” Zai continued to speak calmly. 

“Can you at least stop him from dragging me into that vision every time I close my damn eyes?” She pleaded. 

“I shall consult with my kin. Rest assured that we will help you to the best of our ability.” The vortigaunt put a clawed hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off and crossed her arms. 

“Just leave me alone.” Hot tears welled up in Lauren’s eyes. 

“Very well. We will speak more later, when you are less emotionally charged.” The alien calmly walked away and she covered her eyes with her hands, starting to sob softly. The chilly breeze tauntingly ruffled her dark brown hair and also kicked up some dead leaves. She rubbed her eyes and watched them skitter across the dirt, the faintest recollection of a memory tugging at the corners of her mind. Michigan in the fall. She and her sister-or, rather, cousin, were on a walk with Diane and Doug. The young girls ran ahead of the adults, kicking up the colorful leaves and collecting what they considered to be the prettiest ones. That was all she had. The visual of the memory stopped abruptly, as though she were watching it on a projector and the film ran out. 

“...Lauren?” 

She looked over to see Barney bundled up in his metrocop jacket. 

“...Hey.” She said quietly, returning her attention to the sad-looking leaves at her feet. 

“..Is everything okay with Zai?” He opened a metal folding chair that had also been resting against the bunker. She nodded. 

“Yeah. Fine.” 

“Lo…” Barney said softly. She swallowed more tears. 

“He’s going to try to protect me… but I don’t think it will work.” 

“Why not? Vorts are pretty powerful.” The former metrocop said reassuringly. 

“Yeah, but how powerful can they possibly be against somebody who transcends space and time?” She lamented. A painful silence fell over the couple before she finally spoke again. “And when I start losing my mind… there’s nothing they can do then.” The painful silence resumed. Barney took her hand again but said nothing, also turning his attention to the dead leaves. A group of rebels passed by, headed to their respective posts. Mike, Lisa, Stacy, and Tory were among them and Lauren felt a pang of guilt. She’d barely interacted with them beyond a brief hello and head nod since they’d arrived on the base. 

“...Lo?” Barney said finally. 

“Yeah?” 

“It’s going to be okay.” 

“I don’t know how you can say that.” She whispered, swallowing more tears. 

“You’ve got all of us on your side- me, Gordon, Eli, Zai… we’re going to work it out.” 

She reached up and touched his face gently, running her thumb over a scar she hadn’t noticed before. 

“But when I start to lose my mind…” 

“We’ll still be there. Especially me- I’m not going to lose you again, physically or mentally.” 

She smiled through fresh tears and gently ran her thumb over the scar again.

“When did you get this?” She inquired, suddenly desperate for a change in subjects.  

“Back at Black Mesa. Some scientist thought I was a headhumper and got me with a crowbar.” Barney replied, his gaze steady. 

“Ouch.” She said softly. He leaned in and pressed their foreheads together, a small smile on his face. 

“I’ve felt worse.” He whispered. She pressed her lips to his for just a few seconds before she was interrupted by the sound of approaching footsteps. 

“Lauren?” 

The brunette looked over to see Rose standing there, looking somewhat apologetic. 

“I’m so sorry to interrupt, but can I see you for a few minutes…?” 

“Why? What’s up?” 

“Philip and I want to do some routine health examinations of people, and considering your concussion… we wanted to see you first.” 

Lauren and Barney exchanged glances. 

“Um, okay. Meet me back in my room when you’re done and then we can get something to eat?” Barney smiled at her. 

“Yeah. That sounds great.” Lauren stood up and smiled at Rose. “...Lead the way.” 

The blonde woman smiled. 

“We’re going to my room. It’s in bunker two.” 

“Alright…” Lauren felt immense apprehension. She hadn’t seen much of Philip over the past week, and she could only presume he was still miffed about her and Barney’s reconciliation. Her presumption was confirmed when she entered Rose’s room. He gave her a clearly forced smile and nod as she entered. 

“Ah, Lauren. Long time no see.” He said, “Have a seat on our exam table.” 

Lauren glanced around- there was only a bare mattress on a sagging metal bedframe. She sat down on it and nearly sunk down to the concrete floor. 

“How’s your head…?” Philip inquired, pulling up a wooden chair and sitting directly across from her. 

“Fine… it’s fine. Physically, I mean. Mentally… well…” 

Philip held a pen in front of her face. 

“Go on. Follow this with your eyes while you talk.” 

“Um… well… I just remembered that I have a family history of schizophrenia.” She managed to follow the pen with her eyes without any problems. 

“Of course! Schizophrenia! That explains it!” Philip said brightly, slipping the pen back into his pocket. “Your visions of the “spirit guide”, your tendency to self-harm due to delusions… yes. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that.” He was far too chipper for her liking. 

“You’re acting like it’s a good thing.” She said flatly. 

“Oh no. Of course it’s not a good thing in itself. It is good that we have a diagnosis to work with. That’s why I’m happy. I can help you better.” 

I don’t want you to help me. She wanted to say, but she also knew that she needed all the help she could get. 

“But you’re not a psychologist. Nor am I.” Rose reminded him, “Keep that in mind.” 

“Well, I believe we can help with the talk therapy aspect, no?” Philip maintained his overtly chipper demeanor and Lauren almost wanted to punch him in the face. 

“Weren’t you going to do some kind of physical examination…?” She inquired. 

“Oh. Yes. We’re extremely limited in what we can do and test, but we’ll do our best.” Rose said. “...Do you mind if I feel the lymph nodes in your neck…?” 

“Go for it, I guess.” Lauren said, tilting her head up. She was grateful that Rose was the one touching her. 

“Okay, everything’s good there. Are there any other illnesses in your family that you know of? Cancers? Diabetes?” The doctor asked gently. Lauren shook her head. 

“It’s hard for me to remember, but… no, I don’t think so.” 

“Okay. This next question is a little awkward, but rest assured we’ll be asking all of our female patients. It’s a standard health question. Is there any chance you could be pregnant…?” 

Lauren’s heart dropped and skipped a beat. Philip was pretending not to look at her, his arms crossed and eyes trained on a focal point that seemed to be above her head. But she knew better. She swallowed hard. 

“...Yes. I could be.” The words were heavy and painful in her mouth. Rose smiled sympathetically. 

“We’re going to ask you to self-monitor. If you start getting sick in the morning or you’re excessively fatigued, let us know. Philip and I are hoping to form a network of medical professionals to help with the upcoming baby boom and other medical matters that may come up.” 

Lauren bit back tears. 

“...Can I go now?” 

“Just a minute. I wanted to ask a few more questions.” Philip said. 

“I really have to go.” Lauren tried and failed to suppress a sob. 

“Okay. You can go.” Rose said, a look of concern lacing her delicate features. 

“But-” 

“We have other patients to attend to, Philip.” She said firmly. Lauren stood up and darted out of the room, her heart pounding in her heavy chest. While she’d been aware that the suppression field was down, she hadn’t given a second thought to the potential consequences, much like a hormonally-crazed teen. She let herself cry for a few minutes, hugging herself in the middle of the hallway. After a few more minutes she rushed back out into the cold air and inhaled it into her lungs gratefully. 

Everything’s okay. I’m okay. She thought. I’ll find Barney and we’ll have dinner. Then we’ll talk. It’ll all be okay. I’m okay. She made her way to his bunker to find Barney and Gordon sitting in his room. 

“God, Doc, I just don’t know… it’s going to kill me to- Lauren!” He exclaimed upon her entering the room. Gordon quickly stuffed his notepad into his back pocket. 

“...Did I… am I interrupting something important?” She asked. 

Barney looked at Gordon and then back up at her with a sigh. The pain in his eyes scared her and she bit her lip hard to keep from tearing up again. 

“...Lo, let’s get dinner and then we’ll talk.” He said softly, standing up. She nodded. 

“There’s something I need to talk to you about, too.” She whispered, catching Gordon’s gaze for a moment. He looked away, a stung expression on his face. 

“...Let’s just go to the kitchen.” Barney put an arm around her waist and gently ushered her out of the room. Once again, the silence between the couple was painful as they made their way to the main building. 

“...How did your doctor’s appointment go?” He asked quietly as they entered the crowded kitchen. 

“Fine.” She managed to choke the word out without crying, much to her own surprise. 

“Let’s see what we’ve got here. We’ve got-” Barney started. 

“Headcrab, headcrab, spaghetti, and headcrab. ” Stacy came up behind the duo holding a plate. 

“Don’t forget spaghetti and headcrab.” Tory said, walking up with his own loaded plate.

“We’re all eating in the dining room. Want to join us?” Stacy asked. 

“...Dining room?” Lauren said skeptically. 

“Oh, there was an empty room that somebody furnished with an old cafeteria table, basically.” Tory said. 

“Sorry, but we need to have a private conversation.” Barney said. Lauren quickly nodded in agreement. As much as she wanted to join her fellow rebels and reassure them of her friendship, she needed to speak with Barney much more urgently. 

“Oh. Okay. Maybe join us for dessert?” Tory replied brightly. 

“Maybe. We’ll… catch you guys later.” Lauren gave him a small smile and picked up a nearby plate. 

“Alright. Later.” Stacy said, walking away. Barney and Lauren proceeded to load their plates before heading back outside. 

“Well… where are we going?” She asked. Barney glanced around. 

“It’s a bit of a walk and it’s pretty cold, but maybe we could go down by the river?” 

“Sounds good, as long as they let us back through the gates.” 

The couple proceeded to head down to the river after a verbal agreement with the rebels guarding the main gate. Lauren sat down on a log and picked up her fork, but she paused before jabbing her headcrab meat. She wasn’t hungry at all. 

“You okay?” Barney asked gently, picking at his own food. 

“No.” She sighed, setting the plate on the ground. “I’m not hungry.” 

“Me neither.” He agreed, doing the same. “There’s something we need to talk about, and it’s… it’s going to be fucking hard.” 

“Yeah. You go first.” She said quietly. He put an arm around her again and she rested her head on his shoulder. 

“So… it’s about that ship Eli was talking about earlier. The Borealis.” 

“What about it?” Lauren stared straight ahead. Barney sighed deeply and pulled her closer. 

“They’ve basically pinned down its location… it doesn’t seem to be moving from its spot down in the arctic.” 

“...Okay.” She acknowledged. 

“Basically, there’s a team of rebels down there hoping to apprehend the portal technology so the Combine doesn’t get their hands on it first.” 

“Okay.” Her voice broke. 

“We need people to lead the team. Gordon and Alyx were going to be the ones to do that, but then… you know what happened to Alyx. That just leaves Gordon… and me.” Barney’s voice broke as well, and it stung her. A sob escaped her throat. 

“...So I think you know what I’m saying. I’m so sorry, Lo. I don’t want to leave you again, but if the Combine gets their hands on this technology… it’s really bad news for all of us.” Barney’s voice broke even more. Lauren broke down herself, sobbing into his shoulder. 

“No. Not again. I can’t be left alone again.” She started to hyperventilate. 

“You won’t be alone, Lo. Everyone else is staying here.” 

“I don’t give a fuck about everyone else! I need YOU! ” She sobbed. “You can’t go. Something’s going to happen to you… he’ll kill you!” 

“Who? The joker that’s messing with you and Gordon? There are ways to deal with him.” 

“Like what?!” 

“Well… there’s… okay, fine, I don’t know exactly how we can deal with him, but Eli has some ideas.” Barney sighed. Lauren wiped her eyes and a sudden sense of determination filled her. 

“I’m coming with you.” 

“Lo, no. You can’t.” 

“I have to. If I’m there, maybe… maybe he’ll mess with me instead.” She said shakily. 

“But if he’s after me, and you’re in the way… things won’t turn out any differently. We’ll both be screwed.” 

“I’m coming with you.” She insisted. 

“No, you are NOT. That’s final, Lauren.” Barney snapped. 

“I have intel on Aperture.” She said bluntly. 

Barney immediately opened his mouth but closed it just as quickly. 

“If I go… maybe I can figure out how to help my father.” Her voice broke again. “Maybe he helped put the ship together and something on it will…” She trailed off and caught his gaze. He sighed deeply and pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“Okay. We’ll talk to Eli and Dr. Kleiner, but… Lauren, if they say you shouldn’t go… you’re not going.” 

“Fine.” She said, picking up her plate. She was suddenly hungry again. 

“On that note… there was something that you wanted to talk about. What is it?” Barney inquired. Lauren nearly choked on a chunk of headcrab. 

“...Nothing. It’s nothing.”

Chapter Text

After dinner, Lauren felt spacey, going through motions she wasn’t entirely conscious of. She walked back to the bunker, Barney by her side, and proceeded to stare out the bedroom window. She watched the brown leaves skitter across the ground yet again, that faint memory from earlier playing in her head. Laughter. The warmth of her cousin’s hand as she held it tightly. Her father’s smile. It had grown even windier and she hugged herself as the breeze penetrated the cracked windowsill. 

“Y’know, we’ve dealt with this trippy weather for years, but I’m still not used to it.” Barney commented, coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist. She nodded absentmindedly as they watched a portal storm erupt in the distance. He kissed her cheek and then her neck, his grip tightening slightly. 

“I don’t even remember what weather is supposed to be like.” She said quietly. 

“It was pretty dry where we lived.” Barney replied, “Typical desert weather.” 

“Yeah. Dry heat. I think it was… nice.” She said quietly. 

“...Do you remember what it was like in Michigan?” Barney rested his head on her shoulder. 

“Not really… but it was the midwest so there was lots of snow in the winter. I know that.” She muttered, “We should be getting some snow soon. It’s getting so much colder.” 

“I’ll bet some of the science folks here could whip up some space heaters or the like. But, in the meantime, there are other ways to keep warm.” Barney kissed her neck again and she tilted her head to the side with a coy smile. 

“...Yeah, we should probably get under the blankets.” She said, her voice equally coy. They gazed at each other for a moment before an abrupt knock on the door jerked them away from each other. 

“Dammit, now what ?” Barney growled, opening the door hastily.  “ Yes? ” 

His irritated expression vanished when Gordon poked his head into the room, looking apologetic. 

“Oh. Gordon. Sorry, didn’t mean to be snappy. I thought you were Magnusson.” 

Gordon stepped back and signed something. 

“Okay, sounds good.” Barney replied, glancing back at Lauren.  

“What is it?” She asked. 

“Gordon wants to discuss something with me in private. Shouldn’t be too long.” 

“Oh. Okay. No problem.” Lauren yawned. “I’ll just head to bed.” 

“Alright. I’ll be quick.” Barney stepped into the hallway and she proceeded to lie down on her mattress, pulling her makeshift blanket over her body. She almost immediately drifted off to sleep despite knowing that her usual nightmare awaited her.

“Misss Kessssssler…” She woke up with a start- that all-too familiar, eerie voice seemed to be right next to her, but as she sat up and frantically looked around, its source was nowhere in sight. Barney was sound asleep beside her, and the sky outside her window was pitch black. “Misssss Kesssssler…” The eerie voice said again, once again seemingly in close proximity. She kicked her blanket off and stood up. The bedroom door was slightly ajar- the lights in the hallway illuminated the wooden floor. He’s here. She stepped out into the hallway and gripped the doorframe.

“I know you’re here,” She said out loud, “I’m coming.” The lack of a response didn’t deter her- she walked down the hallway purposefully. She reached the commons area and looked around frantically. 

“I know you’re here.” She repeated, walking over to the supply closet. She threw the door open, but there was only a sad-looking, dusty broom. Shit. She stepped away from the closet and kicked the door closed in frustration. At least I didn’t have that dream tonight. I need some air. She walked to the main entrance of the bunker and stepped outside, rubbing her eyes. Her head shot up when she heard a small whine, similar to a dog’s.  It was coming from behind a makeshift trash can. Lauren cautiously approached, curiosity getting the better of her. 

She moved the metal can to the side and jumped back- several black eyes stared up at her. They belonged to a yellow creature with blue stripes. Its body was cone-shaped and it appeared to stand on three legs. It let out a high-pitched, prolonged whine and appeared to take on a defensive stance. Lauren backed away slightly, but nothing happened. The creature whined and then blinked several times, still in its defensive stance. 

“...What are you?” She whispered, reaching out slightly. The creature backed away from her but didn’t run. She managed to touch the top of its head for a few seconds. It was like touching a peach- it seemed to be covered in tiny hairs. The creature let out a few more whines and blinked again. It was almost cute. 

“Lo? Lo!” Barney rushed over and grabbed her shoulders, pulling her away from the creature. It proceeded to run away clumsily, nearly tripping over its own feet. 

“What… what is it?” She asked him, “Is it dangerous?” 

“ Yes. Those things make shockwaves.” 

“Shockwaves? This one didn’t. At least, I don’t think so.” 

“It’s interesting. I haven’t seen one since Black Mesa.” Barney remarked, “But seriously, stay away from them. They can fuck you up.” He studied her for a moment. “...But what are you even doing out here? Who were you talking to in the hallway?” 

“I thought I heard… it’s nothing.” She swallowed hard and looked away. 

“Lo.” Barney tilted her chin up with his fingers, looking mournful. “What did you hear?” 

“That… that man. I swear I heard him speaking.” She said, “I really thought he was there.” 

“Well… I didn’t hear anything. Are you sure it wasn’t…” Barney trailed off. 

“...In my head. Shit.” Lauren whispered. 

“Oh, Lo.” Barney pulled her into a tight embrace. 

“I’m so fucked.” Her lips were pressed against his shoulder and her words were muffled. 

“You’re not fucked. As long as these voices aren’t telling you to do bad things, they can’t hurt you or anyone else.” Barney reassured her. 

“The man in the suit told me to kill you, remember?” 

“Oh. Right.” He cringed. 

“He’s in my head. Soon… soon I won’t be able to tell what’s actually real and what isn’t, and that’s exactly what he wants. He wants me to lose my mind.” 

“But why?” 

“I’ve explained this. I messed with his plans. I screwed up the second I set foot in Aperture that day.” Lauren said miserably, tears starting to stream down her face. “If I had just left like my dad told me to, I wouldn’t have entered this guy’s stupid contract.” 

“Yeah, he’s been messing with Gordon again, too. That’s what he needed to talk to me about.” Barney sighed. 

“Fuck. FUCK!” Lauren kicked a nearby water can. 

“Lauren, we’re all working on it. We’ll figure it out. And if I can find a way to kick this guy’s ass, you know I will.” 

She started to sob bitterly and clung onto him. She knew that what he was promising was next to impossible, and it broke her further. 

“Come on, let’s go back to bed. We have that meeting with Kleiner, Eli, and Gordon tomorrow morning.” Barney kissed the top of her head and she took in a shuddering breath, trying to slow her breathing. “It’ll be okay, Lo. Somehow.” 

“I’m trying to believe that, but I can’t.” She choked. 

“I know, sweetheart. I’m sorry you’re feeling so crappy.” 

They parted and he took her shaking hand in his, gazing into her green eyes. 

“...Let’s just go to bed.” She sighed defeatedly, “So I can have another nightmare.” 

“If you do, I’ll be there.” Barney squeezed her hand and gently pulled her back into the bunker. Lauren was somehow feeling spacey and dazed again- her outburst had taken a lot out of her. As she settled underneath her blanket again, Barney’s arm wrapped protectively around her waist, she closed her eyes tightly and bit her lip hard in order to feel something other than what she was feeling. As she drifted off into sleep again, she tried once again to recall her Fall memory. But it was gone.

“Lauren. Lauren, it’s time to get up.” 

Barney was gently shaking her and she groaned as she sat up. 

“Come on, we’ve got that meeting soon.” He said, standing up. Right. The meeting. It took Lauren’s brain a moment to adjust to the present, and when it did, she felt a sickening sense of dread. She followed him out of the room once she got her bearings, hugging herself again. As they made their way to the main building, a light dusting of snowflakes covered their bodies and hair. Once inside, Lauren shook her head and dusted them off her sweatshirt. 

“Ah, Barney. Good to see you.” A balding man wearing thick black glasses and a lab coat immediately walked up to the pair. 

“Good to see you too, Doc.” 

The scientist’s eyes fell on Lauren and his smile widened. 

“And you must be Lauren. I’ve heard a lot about you over the years.” 

“Nice to meet you… Dr. Kleiner, right…?” She took his extended hand. He laughed lightly. 

“Please, call me Issac.” 

“Okay.” Lauren smiled. She could tell that she’d like him a lot more than Dr. Magnusson. 

“They’re here. Great.” Eli entered the room with Gordon. “Come on, we’ll talk in the main laboratory.” 

Lauren took Barney’s hand as the group walked to the large room, where five metal folding chairs sat around a severely chipped wooden table. Several documents and blueprints sat in the middle of it. 

“Everyone take a seat. We’re getting into the nitty-gritty here.” Eli said. 

“Indeed. The Borealis is quite the scientific marvel.” Dr. Kleiner said as he sat down. 

“My father might have worked on it.” Lauren interjected right away, hoping to prove that she was valuable to the mission. 

“That’s quite likely due to the immense scale of the project,” Eli said, “I have to admit, despite our rivalry, that Aperture had some damn savvy scientists in every department. They would have wanted their best and brightest working on it.” 

Lauren smiled at the prospect of her father being considered one of the brightest scientists at Aperture despite his handicap. 

“So. As you already know, the ship teleports. There’s immense portal technology onboard. We need to intercept it and, if it’s possible, bring it closer to us for further study.” 

“Closer to us? Where are we going to put a 70,000 ton ship?” Barney asked. 

“Possibly down by the river or in an open patch of the woods. If we get the coordinates just right, that is.” 

“If you say so.” Barney rubbed the back of his neck. 

“According to the footage we were able to obtain from Judith’s transmission, there are several entrances, marked here.” Dr. Kleiner grabbed one of the blueprints and pointed to several circled doors. “Just be aware that the Combine’s forces may already be patrolling the area, so you should err on the side of caution when landing the helicopter.” 

“Right. And who’s flying this helicopter?” Lauren inquired. Gordon waved from the other side of the table with a sheepish smile. “...You can fly a helicopter?” 

“Well, I’m afraid he doesn’t have much experience, if… any at all, but I’m certain he can figure it out.” Dr. Kleiner said. 

“Yeah, I believe that.” Lauren smiled at Gordon. “When are we going?” 

Eli and Dr. Kleiner exchanged glances. 

“Not all of us are going, Lauren.” Eli said. Her heart dropped. She knew exactly what his implication was. 

“But I can help! I know all about Aperture and-” 

“You’re also a radio operator, no? You can get in touch with Gordon and Barney from here.” Dr. Kleiner said. 

“Why? Why can’t I go with them?” 

“It’s very dangerous, Lo, and you aren’t trained in combat.” Barney said, “Everyone down there has some form of combat training.” 

“You can teach me.” 

“There’s no time. We have to get down there in the next day or so. I’m sorry, Lauren, but it’s better if you stay here with us.” Eli said gently. Lauren’s lower lip involuntarily trembled  and she bit it hard. 

“We need you here, Lauren, as a radio operator. I promise you’ll be given all the intel and all the contact you need.” Dr. Kleiner said. Barney squeezed Lauren’s shoulder but she shrugged him off, crossing her arms tightly as she struggled not to break down. 

“...Why don’t you get a drink of water?” He said softly, “Take a break for a minute.” 

Lauren scooted back in her chair and stormed out of the room, allowing her tears to fall only once she was out of sight and earshot of the others. She ran out of the main building and into the gently falling snow, kicking some of it away with her boot. 

“...Lauren? Lauren, hey, what’s wrong?” 

She barely looked up as Lisa approached her. Her previously choppy black hair was getting longer and she, too, had ditched her civvies for jeans and a red sweatshirt. 

“I have to stay here.” She whispered, “They won’t let me go down to The Borealis.” 

“The Borealis? Is that the big ship everyone’s been talking about around here? Down in the Arctic?” 

Lauren nodded. 

“It’s because I’m not trained for combat. Which is fucking bullshit because I could learn.” 

“Well, a lot of us city slickers aren’t combat-trained. There have been workshops, but I haven’t been to one yet.” Lisa said. 

“I guess I’m mostly upset because… he’s abandoning me again. Barney. He obviously can’t help it, but…” She choked on her words and started crying again. 

“That must feel so shitty. I’m sorry. But you know he loves you.” The other woman put a hand on her shoulder. “He definitely doesn’t want to leave you.” 

“I know.” Lauren hugged herself again and closed her eyes tightly. 

“Is everything okay over here?” 

Lauren opened her eyes to see Philip standing in front of her, that typical concerned expression on his face. 

“Lauren’s just a little upset because she can’t go down to The Borealis. She really wants to help.” Lisa explained. 

“Oh? That’s a shame.” Philip said, “But it’s probably for the best, given her condition.” Lauren wanted to punch him in the face again, but she somehow, inexplicably, also wanted to hug him. 

“Yes. It’s… for the best.” She said softly. 

“Have you had breakfast yet? I was just going to head to the kitchen.” Lisa said. 

“You know what? Me too. You should definitely join us, Lauren.” Philip said with a smile. 

“Oh. Thank you, but I’m actually right in the middle of a meeting. I need to get back. I just took a break.” 

“Another ten minutes won’t hurt. Come on.” The doctor encouraged her. Lauren was about to object further, but she was pretty hungry. She also hadn’t talked to Lisa in awhile- it would be nice to catch up. 

“...Sure. Let’s go.” She said, walking back into the main building. As the rest of the trio made their way inside, yet another visceral feeling of dread made Lauren shiver involuntarily. She glanced behind her- the man in the suit was standing in the doorway, smirking in his usual malicious way. She swallowed hard and turned away. Things were about to get much, much worse.

Chapter Text

Lauren just stared as Barney packed his makeshift suitcase. A few tears had fallen but she swallowed any sobs that threatened to escape her throat. Barney zipped up the bag and then knelt down next to her, brushing her hair away from her face. She rolled onto her other side with an incomprehensible mutter. 

“Lo… I’m sorry it has to be this way. I am. But-” He started. 

“If you were really sorry you’d at least try to make a case for me to go.” She said coldly.  Barney sighed and sat down on the other mattress, prompting her to roll over again. 

“I can’t even look at you right now.” She swallowed another sob. 

“This is bringing back bad memories, isn’t it? About me leaving for Black Mesa.” Barney said gently. 

A few more tears fell but Lauren said nothing. 

“It hurts like hell, Lauren. I know.” 

“You’re going to die down there.” She whispered. 

“No. I am not going to be taken out by-” 

“How can you be so sure?” Lauren faced him at last, her cheeks now crimson and soaked. Barney opened his mouth but nothing came out.

 “He’s going to find a way to kill you. Whether it’s the helicopter, or a soldier, or-” She started. There was a knock on the door and Lauren pulled her blanket over her head. Barney sighed and walked to the door. 

“Eli? What’s going on now? ”

Lauren curled into a fetal position, her body completely covered.  

“May I come in…?” Eli inquired gently. 

“Umm… we’re kind of in the middle of something here.” Barney said. 

“It’s actually quite important.” Eli replied, albeit firmly. 

“Well… alright.” Barney lowered his voice. “But Lo’s still pretty upset.” 

Lauren listened to Eli approach but did nothing to acknowledge him. 

“Lauren… I’ve got what I think is good news for you. Can we talk?” Eli said gently. Lauren threw her blanket off and glared at him, not believing a word. The scientist proceeded to grab a nearby metal folding chair, setting it beside her mattress. He sat down with a grunt before continuing to speak. 

“Well, actually, to start with, there’s actually bad news. The Arctic Base was raided, as you know… there were many casualties. The remaining rebels and my colleague, Judith, are rebuilding but it’s not happening overnight.” 

Lauren blinked slowly and said nothing. 

“So,” Eli continued, “If you’d really like to, you can head down there after all. They need everyone they can get.” 

Lauren and Barney exchanged glances as she sat up. 

“...Really?” She said hoarsely. 

“Yes. But you likely won’t be involved in much combat- they just need people on the new base. Radio operators and medics, mostly. You still won’t be going to The Borealis, but you’ll be heavily involved in our operation.” 

“Y-yeah. I can do that.” Lauren wiped her eyes. 

“Wow… I guess… I guess that is good news.” Barney said, but there was a note of worry in his voice. “Is there any way she could do a crash course in weapons handling down there?” 

“I’m sure. Philip will receive training as well.” Eli said. 

“...Philip’s… coming?” Lauren said hesitantly. 

“As I said, they need skilled medics and he volunteered.” Eli said, folding his hands and placing them under his chin.  

“What about Rose? Can’t she do it?” 

“Rose elected to stay here.” Eli frowned. “Are you not getting along with Philip?” 

“Not really.” Barney answered for her, “But we’ll just have to make it work.” 

“Well, alright.” Eli stood up. “I’ll let you two get some rest. You’re still leaving first thing in the morning. Lauren, we dug up some warm clothes for you and we packed them already. They’ll be in the hangar when you get there.” 

“O-okay.” She replied.

“Goodnight.” Eli said, giving Lauren a reassuring smile before exiting the room.  

“Goodnight.” Lauren and Barney said together.  They were both silent for a moment, pondering this new development. 

“I feel a lot better now.” Lauren finally commented.

“I don’t.” Barney rejoined her on the mattresses and pulled her flush against him. 

“I can help protect you and Gordon. That’s all I wanted.” 

“Lo, it’s not your job to protect us. It’s the other way around.” Barney took her hand and massaged it with his thumb. 

“It can be a mutual thing.” She insisted. He let out a light, exasperated laugh. 

“Lauren… seriously. Weapons training or not, I need you to stay on that base. Please.” 

She sighed. 

“Fine. But I’ll be on comms with you the whole time.” She rolled over and swung her leg over his hip, bringing them closer. 

“Well, that is your job.” Barney smiled at last. “...And from what I’ve heard, you’re damn good at it.” 

They gazed at each other for a few moments.

“...We’ll basically be separated again, though. Unless you come back to the base at night.” Lauren said finally, her smile fading. 

“I mean, I’ll try, but… once we defeat the initial hoard of soldiers, we’ll probably have to camp out overnight- they’ll send reinforcements.” Barney looked plaintive. There was another beat of silence and she got on top of him, meeting his gaze. 

“Well… if this is our last night together for awhile… we should make the most of it..” He said, his hands moving to rest on the small of her back. Lauren responded by kissing him tenderly, gently placing her hands on his stubble-laced cheeks. He continued to gaze up at her when they parted, his brown eyes filled with a mix of desire and affection. It was a look she knew all too well- one that produced butterflies in her stomach. 

He proceeded to slip her civie jacket off her shoulders, exposing her purple t-shirt. He gazed at her again before flipping them over abruptly, causing her to yelp in surprise. He’d always been the dominant one, and that was how Lauren liked it. She whimpered and tilted her head to the side as he started kissing her neck, his hands also slipping underneath her shirt in order to caress her sides. She closed her eyes for just a few seconds before she abruptly grew uneasy. 

Oh no. She opened her eyes to see the man in the suit standing on the other side of the room. She closed her eyes again, so tightly that it hurt. Come on, Lauren, he’s not actually there. She opened her eyes again as Barney removed her shirt and breathed a sigh of euphoria and relief- the man was gone.

"...Lo? You okay?"

"Y-yeah. Sorry, just thought the door might be open." She smiled nervously, glancing back at the space the man had previously occupied. 

"Good call." Barney squinted. "...It looks closed, but I better take a look." He got up and she took a deep breath. 

I am in control.  

 “Well, Misssss Kessssssler, it hassss been awhile, hasss it not?” 

Lauren opened her eyes to find herself standing in her dreaded realm of unconsciousness, once again surrounded by dozens of twinkling stars. 

“Were you really there last night? Or are you just fucking with my head again?” She immediately found the gumption to speak.  

The man chuckled. 

“I have done no ssssuch thing, Misssss Kesssssler.” 

“Bullshit. I know what you’re trying to do. It’s not going to work.” 

The man sneered. 

“The human pssssyche is a delicate thing, Misssss Kesssssler. Esssspecially when it is…afflicted… with a condition that alters one’s perception of reality.” 

“The reality is, you weren’t there last night. Or tonight.” She snapped. 

“I beg to differ, Missssss Kessssler. I have been… assssked to keep a closssse eye on you. Essssspecially when you may be doing ssssomething that… upssssetsss the… ssstatussss quo, or, rather, my… e-employer’sss arrangementssss...” 

“What, I’m not allowed to sleep with my fiance? Is that what pissed them off?” 

The man’s sneer turned into a furious expression. 

“You joke, Misssss Kesssssler, but thisssss issss not a joking matter. You are once again in violation of your contract. There are many ssssubordinations ssstacked againssst you, and The Borealisssss, Misssss Kesssssler, isssss the mossst sssssevere by far. If you do not tread very… carefully… I will have no choice but to… well, I am not at liberty to sssay. As I have mentioned, I have agreed to abide by certain… resssstrictionssss… put into place by my… employerssss.” The man emphasized the latter part of his sentence with a rough adjustment of his tie. 

“It’s because it has to do with Aperture and my father, isn’t it? You don’t want me there because-” 

“MISSSS KESSSSSLER.” 

She jumped back. The man had never raised his voice before. 

“I do not want to punisssh you, but if your arrogance and behavior warrant sssuch drasssstic meassssuresss, so be it.” The man’s furious expression remained.

“I recently had to… bargain… with my employerssss to not punish you for your inssssssubordinations so far. I am sssshowing you great mercy.” He snapped, “ I do not like groveling and bargaining, Missss Kessssler. Sssssoon enough, my mercy will run out.” 

“Will you at least tell me why?” Lauren asked shakily, “If I’ve screwed up that badly, why are you still helping me?” 

“Once again, I am not at liberty to sssay, Missss Kessssler.” The rectangle of light appeared. 

“You’re… you’re not going to show me anything tonight? A memory? A nightmare?” Lauren’s voice continued to shake. 

The man simply adjusted his tie and walked into the rectangle purposefully.

The next morning, Lauren almost felt like she was going on a vacation. The hangar was bustling with rebels making last minute preparations. She walked up to the helicopter as a rebel finished filling the fuel tank and set her bag inside the cabin, staring up at the massive blade. 

“Hey.” Philip derailed her train of thought as soon as it started moving, and she nearly jumped. 

“Oh. Hey.” She gave him a small smile. 

“Ready for our big adventure?” The doctor inquired with an overzealous smile of his own. 

“I… I think so. I don’t know.” Lauren turned her focus back to the blade again. It was hard to believe that it would be the sole thing propelling them off the ground. Philip put his own bag in the cabin and looked up as well. 

“Can’t say I’ve been in a helicopter before.” He remarked. 

“Nope. Me neither.” Their conversation was similar to the one they’d had at breakfast the other day- staggered and awkward. She was grateful when Dr. Kleiner, Gordon, and Barney walked up to them a few seconds later. 

“Well, looks like you’re all ready to go. Hopefully there are no… last minute complications.” Dr. Kleiner remarked. 

“We’ve got this, doc.” Barney replied with a smile before turning to Lauren. “Well, ladies first.” 

Lauren took a deep breath and sat on one of the back seats of the helicopter, directly behind the pilot’s seat. Philip sat on the other seat and she chose to focus on staring out the window. Gordon proceeded to sit in the pilot’s seat, looking back and giving Lauren a reassuring smile as he did so. She already felt sick to her stomach due to her nerves, and she hoped she wouldn’t throw up once they were airborne. 

Don’t you dare! She told herself firmly as Barney sat down in the other front seat. 

“Alright. Your navigation system is all set up. Safe travels!” A rebel said through the still-open door. 

“Alright, you guys be safe too. Please.” Barney replied before shutting the door and glancing behind him. “You kids ready to go?” 

“As ready as we’ll ever be.” Philip said with another overzealous smile. Lauren just nodded and took a deep breath while closing her eyes, determined to keep the contents of her stomach where they needed to be. The loud, mechanical whir of the helicopter blade starting up almost made her jump out of her seat and she gripped her seatbelt. The helicopter lurched forward, being pulled outside on a cart attached to a beaten car. The rebels in the hangar cheered as they followed the aircraft outside, and it did nothing for Lauren’s frayed nerves. Gordon gave a thumbs up to everyone once they were out in the open, and she closed her eyes again as they gradually left the ground. 

Philip gently nudged her. 

“You doing okay?” He whispered. Lauren muttered a quiet confirmation and forced herself to look out the window again. She watched miserably as the ground and White Forest got further and further away. Her thoughts drifted to her last conversation with the man in the suit- she knew that he wasn’t bluffing- his mercy would run out. 

Tread carefully. I have to be so, so careful. She thought. No more fucking around. From now on I’m only doing what needs to be done. No unnecessary risks. She found herself staring at the navigation equipment- it was all nonsense to her, but Gordon read it effortlessly, taking a sharp left turn. A wave of intense nausea washed over her and she rested her head on the headrest and puffed out her cheeks. Hopefully she could just fall asleep and wake up once they were there. The nausea mercifully subsided and she was able to relax, at least physically. Her mind was still reeling. 

But what if this is my chance to see him again? Maybe, just maybe, somehow… She folded her hands and realized that they were already freezing. Maybe I do have to take one last risk and get on that ship. She opened her eyes again and bowed her head, resting it on her folded hands. If I do… who knows what that man will do to me. But if I don’t…. She looked up and studied the picture of The Borealis that was taped to the navigation console. 

…I have to. I will.

Chapter Text

The Northern Michigan sun was shining brightly. Lauren tried and failed to suppress a giggle as a large black ant crawled onto her hand, making her squirm in her little plastic chair. 

“Just a little longer, Lauren.” Doug briefly poked his head out from behind his easel. “Just try to sit still for one more minute.” 

“There’s an ant!” The five-year-old could no longer suppress her giggling as the insect made its way up her forearm. 

“Is there? Well, he may be a little too small to paint.” 

Lauren placed her finger in front of the ant and it crawled onto her other hand. She flicked it off with another giggle. 

“Alright, I think I’ve got it.” Doug said, setting his paints to the side. 

“I wanna see!” Lauren tipped her chair over as she rushed over to her father and his easel. He scooped her up and she studied the fresh painting. There she was: blue sundress, dark brown hair, light green eyes. The background was only partially finished, broad brush strokes making up the majority of the white picket fence and the blades of grass surrounding the girl. 

“I like it!” Lauren declared. 

“So do I. You make the perfect model.” Doug kissed the top of her head. 

“Doug! Lauren!” Diane waved at the pair from the back porch. “There’s a storm rolling in, you need to come inside!” 

Lauren glanced up at the sky- it had just been a beautiful, partly cloudy day, but now massive gray clouds were rushing to cover the sun. She scrambled off of Doug’s lap and went to grab her chair while he carefully set his wet canvas to the side and folded up his easel. The girl started to run to the back porch as the wind picked up and a growl of thunder sounded. Suddenly, everything froze. 

“Lauren. Lauren, over here.” An unfamiliar voice called. It was extremely distorted, like it was coming through a scrambled radio transmission. It seemed to be coming from inside the house. The girl glanced around in confusion. Diane was frozen, Doug was frozen. The wind was no longer blowing. 

“Lauren. Inside the house, Lauren.” The voice called to her again. She dropped the chair and walked forward into the house. There, on the basement door, was a folded piece of paper with her name on it. She took it down and studied it intently before opening it. 

Lauren-

This is the first memory I managed to snatch from his clutches. It’s a really nice one, isn’t it? You had a wonderful childhood. Very happy. Your dad loved you so much. He still does. I wish all of the memories I’ve gathered for you were as happy as this one. Unfortunately, the bad memories are just as important to your mission as the good ones. If you’re reading this, you’re headed to The Borealis. You don’t remember, but you’ve been inside it before.

He’s fighting me every step of the way, but I promise I’ll keep leaving these notes and guiding you when I can. I can’t intercept him when he appears to you, but in the aftermath I’ll do my best to reach out to you with another memory.  I wish I could tell you who I am and help you in person, but… it’s complicated. Letters are the only way I can communicate with you- they physically connect the real world to the metaphysical world. You will find a copy of this letter somewhere in the real world.  I know about your schizophrenia and I’m sorry to say it’s only going to worsen. I hope that these letters will help keep you grounded. Be strong, Lauren. I’m rooting for you. 

Sincerely, 

Your noble memory scavenger. 

     PS: Please make sure Gordon sleeps okay. He’s been having night terrors.

Lauren woke up and realized that she was shivering slightly. There was a blanket draped over her shoulders and she was wearing a heavy coat that she didn’t remember putting on, but she was still cold. She glanced to the side and realized that the helicopter door was slightly ajar. Philip, Gordon, and Barney were standing nearby, talking to a few rebels dressed in equally puffy jackets. Lauren yawned and opened the door completely, stepping into the tundra. She walked up behind the men and pulled the blanket tighter across her shoulders. 

“Well, hello, Sleeping Beauty.” Barney said with a smile before turning back to the pale, brown-haired rebel he'd been talking to. “This is Lauren, my fiancee. Lauren, this is Rick. He’s actually your boss.” 

“Oh. Radios?” She smiled. Rick nodded. 

“Yup. I heard that you actually have some experience, which is great.” 

“Oh, she’s a lovely radio operator. Definitely knows what she’s doing.” Philip piped up. Lauren and Barney both gave him a look before turning back to Rick. 

“We really need experienced people. Unfortunately we lost several when the base was raided. We managed to stave off the soldiers and hunters eventually, but it’s definitely not over.” The man cringed a little. 

“Oh, we need to get you guys to Judith. She told us to let her know when you guys arrived. Come with me, I’ll take you to her.” The second rebel, an Asian woman with chocolate-brown eyes and long black hair said. 

“Sounds good.” Barney said, but there was a note of skepticism in his voice. Gordon looked equally suspicious. 

“What does that look mean?” Lauren whispered to Barney as the rebel led them into the main building of the base. 

“Judith was a double agent. A Combine Spy. Apparently she’s strictly on our side now, but I dunno.” Barney whispered back. Lauren nodded. The Arctic Base had a similar layout to White Forest, with a few residential bunkers scattered throughout the complex. They, too, had a hangar, although it was much smaller. The main building was also significantly smaller than the one at White Forest but somehow more modern-looking. 

The rebel led the group into what seemed like a labratory, where a brown-haired woman wearing a light green jacket was talking to a vortigaunt. 

“Judith? Gordon and Barney are here.” The rebel said. Judith turned to look at the group, a wide smile crossing her face. 

“Oh! Right on time!” She had a pleasant smile, but something about it unnerved Lauren. The women made eye contact for a moment. “Who’s this?” Judith inquired. 

“I’m Lauren. Barney’s fiancee.” Lauren said, “It’s nice to meet you.” 

“Oh! Lauren! That’s such a nice name.” Judith shook her hand happily. “I’m Dr. Judith Mossman.” The scientist then turned to Philip. 

“And you are…?” 

“I’m Dr. Philip Berg. But please just call me Philip.”

Lauren squinted- Philip had never introduced himself by his full title before. 

“Oh! And what’s your field? We need all the help we can get in this laboratory.” 

“Oh. I apologize, but I’m not that kind of doctor. I’m a medical doctor.” Philip laughed lightly. 

“Oh.” Judith’s smile faded. “Well, we definitely still need experienced medics around here as well.” She turned back to Gordon. 

“Well, Dr. Freeman, we have much to discuss. The rest of you can go ahead and get settled in. Take any unoccupied room in Bunker 1. If you’re hungry, lunch will be served in Bunker 4 soon.” 

“Alrighty, sounds good.” Barney put an arm around Lauren’s shoulders as they walked out of the room. 

“She doesn’t seem too bad.” Lauren remarked once they were back outside. 

“Eh. I got a weird vibe from her.” Philip said. 

“...Me too.” Barney admitted, “I’m surprised she didn’t remember you, Lauren. You guys met a couple of times back at Black Mesa.” 

“Really? When?” 

“It was mainly in passing, like when we played cards with Gordon in the dorm lounge. But there was also this big black tie gala at one point, a few months before the Resonance Cascade.” 

“Well, unlike Gordon, I certainly don’t look like I did twenty years ago.” She laughed lightly. 

“...Actually, to be honest, you’ve aged better than me. You don’t look like you’ve hit your 40s yet.” Barney said. 

“Stop. You’re just saying that.” She shoved him. 

“Actually, I have to agree. When we first met, my guess was no older than 35.” Philip said. 

“…Okay… I guess.” Lauren muttered.

The three entered the bunker and Lauren poked her head into the first room she saw. 

“This one has two mattresses. We should take this one, Barney.” 

Philip opened the door next to theirs. 

“Guess I’ll take this one. It looks nice.” 

Barney and Lauren exchanged glances again. 

“Alright… that works.” She said, “...I’m going to lie down for a bit.” 

“Are you feeling okay…?” Barney asked worriedly, “You already slept for four hours on the helicopter.” 

“I’m a little nauseous.” It was the truth- Lauren’s stomach was turning again and a twinge of a painful headache was developing. 

“I’ll get you some water.” Barney said. 

“And I’ll get a damp washcloth.” Philip added. Lauren nodded and held her head before entering the bedroom and plopping down on the mattress, removing her coat before laying down. There were two fuzzy blankets folded neatly on the bottom of the mattress, and she took them both. Philip was the first to come to her side, gently putting the damp washcloth on her forehead as he’d done when she’d been sick back at Redwood. 

“I’ve been feeling sick all day.” She admitted, “And I don’t know why.”

Philip nodded. 

“Well… there are several possible diagnoses. One is stress, which wouldn’t be surprising at all, the other is food poisoning, and the other… well…” He chewed on his lower lip and looked down. 

“What?” She asked worriedly. 

“...Pregnancy. You know I have to say it.” 

“Shit.” Lauren swallowed and closed her eyes tightly. “I think it’s just stress, really.” 

“There’s no way to really tell, unfortunately. I wish there was so I could help you.” The doctor said softly, his expression laced with concern. Lauren sighed as Barney entered the room, bearing a couple of water cans. 

“Here. Drink some of this. I really wish we had a different… brand, but this is all we’ve got.” He said, helping her sit up. She set the washcloth on her lap, cringing as it soaked her jeans. 

“Hey, what’s this?” Philip picked up a folded piece of paper by the mattress. “It has your name on it, Lauren.” The letters. Lauren nearly choked on her water. 

“O-oh. I’ve been… I don’t know, maybe somebody here wrote me a welcome letter.” She quickly snatched it and stuffed it into her back pocket. 

“Really? Where’s mine?” Barney joked. Lauren cleared her throat. She needed to change the subject, and fast. The only topic she could think of was less than ideal, but she needed to bear with it. 

“Um, Philip? What were your diagnoses again? I want… I want Barney to know.” 

“Know what?” Barney was instantly concerned again. 

“Oh. Um, well, there are a couple of potential diagnoses here.” Philip cleared his throat as well. “There’s food poisoning, stress… and pregnancy.” 

“But I think it’s just stress.” Lauren said quickly, “Really.” 

“We’ll just need to keep a close eye on your symptoms.” Philip said, “As Rose and I said at your appointment, you need to self-monitor. As you know, I’m right next door if you have any concerns.” 

Barney’s concerned expression remained. 

“Yeah… doc, could you give us a moment…?” 

“...Of course.” Philip said, albeit slowly. Barney took her hand as the doctor exited the room. 

“...I don’t think it’s stress, Lauren. Or food poisoning.” He said finally. 

“No. It has to be stress. I mean, the suppression field just came down. It couldn’t… it couldn’t have happened that quickly.” She choked. 

“It didn’t just come down, Lo. It’s been a month and a half now.” 

She whimpered and then broke into a sob. 

“I can’t be. Not with… with him after us. And the Combine… what if we lose The Borealis and… and…” 

“Shh…” Barney embraced her and she relaxed slightly. “I promise I will not let anything happen to you or our child. Not again.” He growled. 

“I just wish there was a way we could be sure.” Lauren whispered, “But it’s impossible.” 

“I know. I’m sorry, Lo. All you can do is what Philip says.” 

A sudden, sharp pain in her head made Lauren fall back onto the mattress and she groaned loudly. 

“Shit! Lo?” 

“My head. I just need to… need to…” She closed her eyes and quickly lapsed into unconsciousness.

“Lauren. Lauren, open your eyes.” There was that distorted voice again, speaking her name softly. She was no longer lying down- she was standing in one of the dorms at Black Mesa. Red carpet, several brown wooden doors lining the corridor, potted ferns at either end of the hallway. She took a step forward and stared down at her foot- she was wearing strappy black shoes with a thin, three-inch heel. She took another step forward and found a full-length mirror. She was wearing a floor-length, iridescent blue dress with an intricately-patterned bodice. Her long, dark brown hair was pulled up into a bun on top of her head, but she couldn’t see her face- it was covered by another folded piece of paper with her name on it. 

She quickly took it down and flipped it open with vigor. 

Lauren- 

He was originally going to show you this memory, but I managed to snatch it away. Boy, is he pissed. We’ve both managed to piss him off, and that’s… definitely not good. But it needed to be done. Anyway, this memory is a bittersweet one. A little background because you completely forgot what got you here: there was a black tie gala at Black Mesa a couple days after you got caught spying by Dr. Breen. You were obviously Barney’s plus one. One of his security buddies got to talking to you, and it turned out that he was one of the guards who was tasked with keeping an eye on your dad while he was held prisoner. 

Long story short, he felt really bad and agreed to let you see him. This was just a few weeks before Aperture’s “Bring your Daughter to Work Day” Incident. I really wanted to be the one to show you this memory because we both know our “friend” would add some condescending, shitty commentary and only let you relive the negative aspects. After this one, there’s one last memory I’ve managed to wrangle before he locked them down. It’s a very important one. 

Hang in there, Lauren. I’ll try to help you further if I can, but I can’t make any promises. 

Sincerely, 

Your noble memory scavenger. 

PS: I really like your dress. I wish I could wear more dresses. 

Lauren stuffed the note into her silver clutch and traversed down the hallway, somehow knowing exactly where she was going. It was the door at the very end of the hallway. She took a deep breath and knocked. 

“Go away.” A miserable-sounding voice called from behind the wood. 

“Uncle Doug, it’s me.” There was a pause. 

“Lauren?” She heard footsteps, which paused directly in front of the door. 

“Yeah, it’s me. Please let me in. I need to know you’re okay!” She couldn’t hide the desperation in her voice. The door opened slowly, revealing the disheveled man. His black hair was cowlicked and his blue eyes were exhausted and sullen. 

“Oh, Lauren!” He threw his arms around her and she embraced him back for a solid minute. He only let go when she did, looking her up and down with a large smile. 

“Wow… you look… you’re beautiful.” He remarked. 

“Thank you.” She said softly, “Can I come in?” 

“Of course.” Doug stepped to the side and she stepped into the tiny room. Dr. Breen had said that it wasn’t the torture chamber she thought it was, but it still compared to a state college dorm room: dingy, cheap, crappy single bed. The family dorms were much nicer and had way more space. She sat down on the unmade bed and Doug joined her. 

“So… what’s the occasion? I don’t think you dressed up like this just to see little old me.” He remarked with a smile. 

“There’s a black tie event tonight. I’m Barney’s plus one.” She explained. 

“Hmm. Can’t say Aperture ever has events like that.” He said, “Then again, I don’t even have a suit so it’s just as well.” 

“You sound a lot better than you did a couple of days ago.” Lauren said gently, touching his hand. 

“Well, yes… they finally gave me my prescription.” Doug looked mournful. “I hate it when you have to see me like that.” 

“It’s okay. You can’t help it.” Lauren said. 

“I know, but it really screws up every aspect of my life… my job, my relationships… it’s awful. I wouldn’t…” He trailed off for a moment as he looked at her. “I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.” He looked away and there was a heavy beat of silence. 

“...The guard I was talking to, the one who let me see you… he says they’re releasing you tomorrow.” Lauren broke the silence at last. 

“Yes… but it’s only because I revealed some secrets.” Doug buried his face in his hands. “They were torturing me, Lauren.” 

“I know. I’m so sorry.” The young woman bit back tears. “...It’s Spring Break for me and my kids next week, and I’m headed back up to Michigan to spend some time with mom and dad. You should join us.” 

“Oh Lauren, I’d love to, but despite all this… I have to get back to work like nothing happened. Mrs. Johnson has us working on two big projects. One of them you’ve seen, actually.” Doug sighed. 

“Really? Which one?” 

“The big ship that’s going on the arctic expedition. We were right in the middle of building it your senior year of high school.” 

“Oh, yeah! Yeah, I remember. It’s huge.” She said, “Is it almost ready?” 

“For the most part. There’s just one… major component… we need to add.” Doug frowned. 

“...What’s wrong?” 

“Oh. Nothing. We just have a lot to figure out yet.” He said. “Actually… while you’re on break, you should come visit Aperture. We have a “Bring your Daughter to Work Day” sort of thing. I’m not sure what we’ll be showcasing yet, but it should be cool.” 

“That sounds great. Just give me the details when you have them and I’ll be there.” 

Doug took a deep breath and closed his eyes. 

“Actually, Lauren, there’s something you really should know.” 

There was a knock on the door.  

“Lauren? Lauren, it’s George. You can’t be here much longer, Breen’s starting to get suspicious.” 

“Okay. I’ll be out in a second.” She called. Doug gave her another tight hug. 

“I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.” 

“Wait, what do you need to tell me? Real quick.” She asked. Doug exhaled sharply and gave her a sad smile. 

“It can wait. You need to go and enjoy the rest of your night.” 

“Okay. Goodnight, I’ll call you once you’re back home.” She gave him a kiss on the cheek before leaving the room. She could feel him watching her until the door shut behind her. But when she stepped outside the room, she found herself in a black void. She closed her eyes tightly and rubbed them, but she was still standing there when she opened them. Her dress was gone; she was back to wearing her sweatshirt, jeans, and purple t-shirt. 

Oh no. She watched miserably as the man in the suit emerged from the rectangle of light, that malicious smirk on his face. 

“Well, Misssss Kesssssler, it would ssssseem you have dissscovered a… loophole. But loopholesss can eassssily be… patched. All but one more of your… memoriessss… are ssstill with me, under lock and… key. And make no… missssstake, your… “noble memory sssscavenger” will pay the price for their… own ssssubordinationsssss. You are walking a dangerousssss path, Misssss Kesssssssler. I will ssssee you very ssssssoon, and this meeting… will not be pleasssssant by any meansss…”  

Lauren couldn’t speak- the words wouldn’t form in her head or her mouth. She just watched as the man disappeared yet again. 

What have I done?

Chapter Text

When Lauren woke up, Gordon was at her bedside. He was back in his HEV Suit and wearing a knitted black hat. He visibly perked up when she opened her eyes and immediately started scribbling on his notepad. She squinted and yawned, her head still throbbing. The scientist allowed her to rub her eyes and stretch a little before handing the notepad to her. 

I’m really glad you woke up. Barney and I have to leave soon, but I needed to talk to you about the man in the suit. 

“It’s bad, Gordon. He’s going to kill us.” 

Gordon frowned and scribbled furiously. 

He is NOT going to kill us. Even if he does take me out, he’s coming with me and he will NOT touch you or Barney. I WILL find a way. 

“You and Barney are way too optimistic about your chances of getting this guy.” Lauren snapped, “He’s in… some kind of realm and-” 

Gordon held up his hand and quickly wrote some more. 

  I’ve been devising a plan with some of the vortigaunts here. My working theory is that, if I can somehow lure him into our world, I can take him down. 

“Yes, but…” Lauren’s head was still hurting and she was having a hard time forming sentences.

“...I mean, if anyone can take him down, it’s you.” She chose to be optimistic, and Gordon smiled. 

“...But he just appeared to me, and told me I was walking a dangerous path. Then again, what else is new?” She explained with a sigh. Wait a minute. The letter. 

“Wait. Have you seen a piece of paper with my name on it?” She asked frantically. Gordon’s eyebrow ticked upwards in confusion but he nodded and reached into the back of his notepad, producing the folded paper. 

“Go ahead and read it. I have another one too.” She handed him the first letter. The physicist read both thoroughly, the confusion on his face growing. Lauren kicked her blankets off before continuing. “Somebody is in his realm and managed to steal some of the memories he had in his possession. Unfortunately he’s locked the rest down, but… who could it be?” 

Gordon handed the letters back to her and twisted his mouth before writing on the notepad again. 

It’s somebody who knows your father, and me. I thought I had a hunch just now, but it doesn’t seem right. It looks like they somehow have another memory for you- maybe the next letter will reveal who they are. 

“My answer is on the ship. I… I have to go with you.” 

Gordon shook his head as he wrote again. 

Lauren, no. It’s way too risky. You just passed out again, and Barney told me about the baby. I promise he’ll be in touch with you over comms and you can help us that way. 

“Gordon-” Lauren started, but she knew that this wasn’t an argument she would win. She sighed and closed her eyes tightly, rubbing her temples. “...Fine. Gordon, just promise me one thing.” 

Anything. He wrote after a moment. 

“If… if there’s somehow a way to get to Aperture through the ship… promise me you’ll try to find my father.” 

Gordon immediately started writing something but stopped abruptly and erased it. He did it again and Lauren put a hand on his knee. 

“Gordon, please. He has black hair. He’s wearing a white lab coat and black pants. I think he’s hurt, but the blood loss hasn’t killed him because he’s in stasis. Please, Gordon. Promise me.” She pleaded, several tears rolling down her cheeks. Gordon let out an audible sigh and slowly started to write again. 

Okay, Lauren. But… if he’s comatose after being pulled out of stasis and I can’t stop the bleeding… what do you want me to do? 

Lauren swallowed hard. 

“...Then put him out of his misery. Quickly.” She whispered. Gordon nodded and squeezed her knee. 

“Lo?” Barney entered the room, clad in his own winter weather gear. She stood up and tried to suppress the sob that built in her throat but failed. She proceeded to throw her arms around him and he held her tightly, one hand resting on the back of her head. 

“We’re only a few miles away, Lo, and I’ll always have my radio on me. Rick gave me one of the portable ones.” He said. 

She released him in order to nod. 

“But, Lo, no matter what, you are not to come to the ship. If we need backup, let the other rebels handle it.” Barney said firmly. 

“But what if-” 

“Lauren.” He said in a broken whisper. She bit back more tears and nodded, closing her eyes tightly. He touched her face and gently stroked her cheekbone with his thumb. They kissed after a moment, only pulling away when they needed to breathe. Barney sighed and smiled at Gordon. 

“Well, buddy, are you ready?” 

Gordon nodded and smiled sadly. Lauren wanted to hug him as well, but the HEV suit was incredibly intimidating in that regard- she felt like it would shatter her ribs. Gordon squeezed her shoulder instead before walking out the door. Barney gave Lauren one last mournful, longing look before walking out himself, leaving her alone and hugging herself. She just stood there, unable to make a sound or produce a single new tear. Her jaw hurt- she was clenching it and biting the air. Barney had left the door slightly ajar- a few rebels walked by without acknowledging her. A vortigaunt started to walk by but then gave pause, studying her closely. The alien let out a hum and opened the door slightly. 

“You must be The Lauren Rattman.” 

“Y-yes.” She said, “How did you-” 

“Word about you has spread quickly amongst our kind. You commune with the suited man. A dangerous pastime indeed.” 

“Y-yeah.” 

The vortigaunt entered the room and hummed again. 

“I sense fire in you. Vast determination. You are thinking about defying your beloved’s orders.” 

Lauren said nothing but gave a half-hearted shrug while staring down at the floor. 

“Yes… you wish to go to the place where the fate of our very universe hangs in the balance. But you are not seeking revenge on our oppressors. You seek a link to your past, do you not?” The vortigaunt inquired. 

“Yes.” She whispered. The alien put a hand on her shoulder. 

“It is very unwise to dwell on the past, especially when it contains numerous aspects of pain and suffering.” 

“But I need to remember it. It has something to do with The Borealis and Aperture. It could help Gordon and Barney. And maybe even…” She trailed off. 

“Even…?” The vortigaunt prompted. 

“...My father. I have to find him.”  She picked her coat up off the floor and threw it on. 

“I strongly advise against this.” 

“Yeah, yeah. You and everyone else. But I can’t do it. I can’t just stay here.” She pushed past the alien and started out the door, only to collide with Philip. He caught her before she could fall, concern written on his face. 

“Whoa, where are you going in such a hurry?” 

“...To my post.” She said as casually as she could. The doctor chuckled. 

“I don’t think so.” 

“Where else would I be going?” 

“I think you’re trying to go to that ship. Lauren, it’s not happening. You don’t even know where you’re going.” Philip said, his green eyes filled with a mix of amusement and agitation. 

“Okay, then… you can come with me. We’ll figure it out together.” She said. 

“What? You’re absolutely mad. You take one wrong turn out there and you’ll get lost and freeze to death.” 

“Philip, I need to go. Please come with me.” 

“Lauren, you are not going to that ship, with or without me. You need to rest as much as possible.” 

“But-” 

“Lauren… Come on, back to your room with you.” Philip gently grabbed her shoulders. 

“No.” She broke out of his grasp. “I am not going to sit here and be helpless. That’s all I’ve been doing and I’m fucking sick of it.” 

Philip sighed and looked at the ceiling for a moment. 

“Lauren… I know things haven’t been going swimmingly between us lately, but I still care about you. A lot. You’re going to kill yourself if you go to that ship.” 

“You don’t understand. A piece of my past is on that ship, and I can’t live my life without knowing what it is. You can tell me “no” all you want. I’m going there.” 

Philip gazed at her for a moment. 

“You’re right. I can’t stop you.” 

She sighed and touched his face. 

“Thank you. For everything.” She gently pushed past him and walked towards the front door of the bunker. 

“Lauren, wait. Please.” Philip called after her.  She reluctantly turned around. The doctor smiled a little. “If you’re going to The Borealis, you need to know how to defend yourself.” 

Lauren opened her mouth but, once again, no words came out. 

“There’s an AR-2 workshop in one of the other bunkers. I heard someone talking about it.” Philip explained. 

“...Take me there.” She demanded. He nodded, his smile widening. 

“Follow me.” They walked out into the tundra, where a blizzard was starting to kick up the snow on the ground. 

“Let’s see… four… five… ah, six. Six was it.” He opened the door and held it open for her. She stepped inside only to find herself in complete darkness. 

“Hello?” She flipped a switch by the door and the lights flickered but only remained on for mere seconds. “Are we early?” She turned around as the door slammed, but Philip was nowhere to be seen. 

“Philip? Where did you…?” She rushed back towards the door and swung it open, but the doctor wasn’t outside. 

“I’m here.” He said softly. She jerked her head around. 

“Where’s here? I can’t see anything. ” 

“Lauren.” There was a new note of mourning in Philip’s voice, and she heard his footsteps come up from behind her. 

“Philip, what the hell is going on? We must be too early, or-”

“We’re not.” He said quietly. He was right behind her, but when she turned all she saw was a faint silhouette. 

“Then why did you bring me here?” 

“Because I care about you. I can’t let you kill yourself out there.” 

CLANG! It took her a moment to register the immense pain she was suddenly feeling in her head. She stumbled forwards, holding her forehead. CLANG! The heavy, blunt metal object struck her in the back of the head and she fell to the floor. There was a terrible ringing in her ears and black spots blurred her vision. 

“Lauren… I’m sorry, Lauren.” She could barely hear Philip’s words, which were spoken in pain. She didn’t even hear the last clang of the metal object as it struck her head one last time, sending her spiraling into darkness.

“Lauren. Lauren, please wake up. You're okay.” 

She raised her head with a groan and found herself staring at a pair of bare calves. She pushed herself up with her arms and looked up- somehow it didn’t pain her to do so. 

“...What…?” She was staring up at a woman in a white shift dress. She had a red scarf around her neck, which was partially covered by her long, raven hair.

  “Who… who the hell are you?” Lauren whispered. 

The woman smiled sadly and offered her hand. 

“Your noble memory scavenger. I really didn’t want us to meet this way. I had hoped you’d find my other letter first, but… given the unfortunate circumstances… I had to intervene now.” 

Lauren just stared at the woman. 

“It’s awful to be betrayed so heartlessly by someone you love and trust. I’ve seen it happen, over and over again.” The woman said softly. Lauren glanced around- she and the woman were standing in what seemed to be a large ballroom or gallery. 

“I-I’m sorry, but who the hell are you and where are we?” She stammered. 

“It’s your memory of The Borealis. At least, a fragment of it. I put it back in your subconscious, but that new blow to the head really screwed things up.” The woman cringed. 

“The Borealis. I’m here.” Lauren said in disbelief. 

“Not quite. We’re standing in a memory right now. As you can see, there are a lot of details missing. The reality of the ship, I’m afraid, is much more grim.” The woman explained. 

“Shit!” Lauren exclaimed, “Barney’s on his way there! What’s happening?” 

“It is currently overrun by Combine Soldiers, but the defenses are active and they aren’t getting very far. There’s an… apparatus onboard that’s defending itself.” 

“I can’t lose him… not again.” Lauren took a deep breath and closed her eyes. 

“I wish I could guarantee that he will be okay… unfortunately my power to see the future has been revoked. I can only revisit the past.” 

“Wait… are you… are you like him ?” Lauren asked fearfully. The woman nodded slowly. 

“I don’t like to associate myself with him or his kind, but… yes.” She glanced over her shoulder at the sound of a heavy metal door opening. “You’re remembering more of the ship. Walk with me. I’ll explain everything.” 

Lauren wasn’t sure if she could trust the woman after all the man in the suit had done to torment her, but she knew that she didn’t really have a choice. 

“...Lead the way.” 

The woman’s black heels clicked on the aluminum floor as she walked, and Lauren found herself entranced. She had a graceful walk, with just a slight sway of her hips. They exited the ballroom and Lauren found herself standing on a deck with dozens of other people. The people were either dressed in lab coats or street clothes. The woman squinted. 

“Hold on, let me just get rid of some of this extra… noise.” 

In the second it took Lauren to blink, all of the people on the deck disappeared. 

“Are we… are we at sea?” She walked over to the railing and looked down, but all she saw was a disparity of water. 

“Nope. We’re inside Aperture. Old Aperture.” 

“The Borealis was a project my father was working on. There was an open house and he took me to see it!” Lauren’s words came out in muddled excitement. 

“That’s right. I was there too. Well, not me per say, but…” The woman joined her in overlooking the railing. 

“What do you mean…?” 

“Aperture was a pioneer in studying different dimensions and time travel. We didn’t start off looking for alternative universes, but in the course of our testing it just kind of happened. My counterpart, in your universe, was very much into it.” 

“...Who’s your counterpart?” 

“You don’t remember me- er, us for a reason. We’re kind of key to this whole thing. Your whole thing. I’m your father’s boss. Mrs. Caroline-” 

“Mrs. Johnson. My father mentioned you at Black Mesa. He said that you guys were working on some big, important project.” Lauren interrupted her. 

“...Important is… one way… to put it.” Caroline cringed. 

“What was it?” 

Caroline stared straight ahead for a moment, looking forlorn. 

“In your universe… it was unveiled at Take your Daughter to Work Day.” 

Lauren swallowed as the memory crept into her mind- the screaming, the desperation, her father’s pleading. 

“G-GL-GLADOS?” 

“Yes. See, I’m Caroline from the universe where Cave- Mr.Johnson- didn’t upload my conscience into that thing . I agreed to a contract and wormed my way out of a cruel fate, much like you did. The man in the suit came to me on the day my conscience was to be uploaded. In all the other universes, including yours, I refused his offer.” 

“So… what makes you different? Why did you agree to his terms in your universe?” Lauren asked. Caroline looked ponderous for a moment. 

“Things were different between me and Mr. Johnson in my universe. I’m a woman of science in every universe, but I’m also a big, smitten pushover. Mr. Johnson was quite the charming man- people would, most of the time, do whatever he wanted. I was no exception. That was how I ended up with a ring on my finger and a determination to be more than a good secretary- I needed to be a dutiful wife. In my universe, however…” She held up her ringless left hand. “ I saw the light. I got the chance to be defiant, and I took it.” 

Lauren nodded slowly. 

“But what happened then? You obviously broke your contract too.” 

Caroline smiled a little. 

“We’re all the wiser for doing so- even if he threatens and attempts to manipulate the situation. I was originally an interdimensional spy of sorts. Keeping an eye on things in each universe, making sure nobody stepped out of line. I happened upon this universe right when you committed your first “insubordination”, as he calls them.” Caroline chuckled lightly. “It was my duty to report you, but...” 

“Wait, what did I do?” Lauren asked. 

“Dr. Magnusson’s files. Does that ring a bell?” 

“Well… yes. I mean, I got caught. Is that what made him mad? The man in the suit, I mean.” 

“No. It was because of what was in the files. You happened to stumble upon the very information that would lead to the Resonance Cascade. It was quite minor; simply grabbing the wrong file, but he sure didn’t want you, or us at Aperture, to know that information by any means.” 

“ That’s seriously what made him mad?” 

“That’s one of the things that made him mad. You’ve done lots of things, Lauren.” Caroline laughed but then immediately grounded herself. “But he didn’t just reign you in for those things alone. Oh, no.” 

“What do you mean…? There’s something else?” Lauren asked hesitantly. Caroline looked sad and ponderous. 

“You never knew your mother in any universe. It’s a real shame.” She said softly. Lauren stared into the murky waters below. 

“What about her? Was she involved with him too?” She swallowed. 

“Vivienne worked for the legal division of Aperture.” Caroline gently tilted Lauren’s chin up with her fingers. “She was a lot like you, in both looks and personality. But there’s also a striking resemblance to your father- his expressions. Just another reason I couldn’t bear to betray you.” She smiled a little. 

“...What happened? How did she die? I never even knew my… aunt… had a twin.” 

“Well, your father will tell you that it was a car accident, only because that was what the man in the suit made it look like. The truth is much worse.” 

Lauren swallowed again- she really didn’t want to hear the rest of the explanation, but she knew that she had to. Caroline gently tucked some of the other woman’s hair behind her ear. 

“Essentially… Aperture was involved in several lawsuits over the years, one of which was a dispute with Black Mesa over a portal device. We had one, Black Mesa had one. Of course, theirs could open interdimensional rifts to alien universes and we hadn’t quite gotten to that point yet with our handheld device, believe it or not. Anyway, your mother was one of the head lawyers on the case. She, my counterpart, and Mr. Johnson were working together late one night. She left Mr. Johnson’s office after the fact, around 1 am, and encountered… him… in the parking lot. I think you and I both know the general context of the conversation. It went south very fast.” 

“And then he-” Lauren choked and couldn’t finish her sentence. Caroline nodded solemnly and squeezed her shoulder. “Oh my God. So when I started spying on Black Mesa… that’s why he was interested in me.” 

“Yes.” Caroline said softly, “You were marked as a person of interest by his employers simply because of your history. Once you started your operative work and then defied him, as your mother did, he saw red. But he knew that he had to establish trust with you before enacting his revenge.” 

“I know that he’s responsible for me losing my memories and the specifics of our contract, but… I still don’t know how I got my concussion, or why I was still remembering things up until City 9. What… what happened there? ” Lauren inquired shakily. 

“It’s a long story, but I think you’re more than ready to hear it.” Caroline stepped away from the railing. “...But there’s something we need to take care of first.”

Chapter Text

“Where are we going…?” Lauren asked as she and Caroline walked back through the ballroom. 

“We’re going to do something vital before he comes for you. It won’t be long before he discovers us, and, let me tell you, he is not playing games anymore. He’s going to take you into the darkest parts of the realm- I don’t know what he intends to do there, but your mind, with the state it’s in, won’t be able to take it. He will break you.” Caroline replied.

Lauren swallowed hard. 

“What about that other memory you captured for me?” 

“No time right now.” Caroline said sharply. 

“I just have one question, if that’s okay. Am I… am I actually here?” Lauren asked. 

“Yup. That awful man dragged you into an empty room and left you there. I think he planned to come back, but I got you out of there as soon as I realized what happened. Who is he, anyway? I haven’t had much time to study him.” 

“...His name’s Philip. He’s… he’s a doctor.” 

“Some doctor. Talk about malpractice.” Caroline replied. 

The Borealis faded away, and Lauren found herself amongst the millions of twinkling stars again. 

“So where are we going now…?” She inquired. Caroline gave her a sad smile. 

“Are you ready to go back to reality?” 

“I…I’m not sure. Are we going to The Borealis to fight…?” 

“No. At least, not yet. Like I said, there’s something vital we need to take care of first.” Caroline stopped walking and a rectangle of light appeared in front of her. 

“Wait! You can’t just leave me!” Lauren grabbed Caroline’s arm. 

“I’m not. We’re going together.” 

“Wait… I can actually go into that thing?” Lauren inquired in disbelief, “I’ve tried to chase him a few times, but…” 

“You can go in only because I’m allowing you to. Go right ahead.”  Caroline stepped to the side. Lauren swallowed hard and took a tentative step forward. 

“Lauren, I promise that where we’re going is safe. It’s been safe for twenty years. Trust me.” Caroline said. Lauren took a deep breath and stepped into the rectangle, only to immediately trip and fall. Her eyes remained closed- she had no way to be certain of her safety. 

But then she heard a bird chirping. She opened her eyes to see a tiny finch standing directly in front of her, cocking its head to the side. There was a chill under her hands- black tiles. She slowly got up and the finch flew away. 

“Where-” She started. Wherever she was, it was a mix of natural and industrial features. A few more larger birds flew over her head as she walked forward, craning her neck upwards to see the sun peeking through large gaps in the ceiling. 

“Welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?” Caroline walked up behind her. 

“But… what happened to everybody? The scientists? The test subjects?”

“It’s… quite tragic.” Caroline said sadly, “They were all killed by neurotoxin dispensed by GLaDOS.” 

“I know. I was there.” Lauren replied. 

“No, not that time. There were actually two neurotoxin incidents. The official logs say that “Bring your Daughter to Work Day” ended in an “unspecified” disaster. There were still quite a few casualties, but they did manage to shut her down that time. The next time… they definitely weren’t so lucky.” Caroline explained. 

“But isn’t she still active? She’ll kill us.” Lauren said fearfully. 

“She was taken down long ago. Your father knows all about it.” 

“My father! Where is he?” 

Caroline looked beyond Lauren and gave a little nod. She whirled around to see the glass box from her visions. 

“Oh my God!” She ran towards it and pressed her face against the glass. Sure enough, her father was in the glass pod within, but this time the man in the suit wasn’t there to taunt her. This wasn’t a vision- it was very real. 

“Caroline, how do I get in?!” 

“Like this.” Caroline walked over to a nearby desk that was attached to the room and furiously typed on the keyboard. A second later, there was a whooshing sound and Lauren looked over to see what looked to be a mirror with an illuminated blue frame. She walked over to it and just stared for a moment, genuinely surprised that she wasn’t seeing her reflection. Caroline casually walked through the mirror and Lauren just stared after her in confusion.

“Is that…?” 

“An interdimensional gate produced by Aperture Science’s quantum tunneling device technology.” Caroline finished for her, “Or, rather, a portal. Sorry, sometimes I lapse into purely scientific terms.” She said simply after noticing Lauren’s befuddled expression. The younger woman stepped through the portal and into the room, her heart pounding. She approached the glass pod slowly, one hand reaching out to touch the smooth surface. Caroline tapped a few buttons on a keypad attached to the pod and the lid swung open. 

“Shit, he is hurt. His leg!” Lauren gasped immediately. 

“Looks like a bullet wound from one of our turret friends. You remember turrets, right?” Caroline said softly, picking up Doug’s hand and pinning her thumb against his wrist. 

“...His pulse is there, but it’s quite faint. I don’t think his body realizes he’s out of stasis yet… and then there’s the wound. Here.” She undid the scarf around her neck. “Wrap this around it.” 

“Right, but what about the bullet?” Lauren said as she took the scarf. 

“Well, unfortunately neither of us are surgeons. We’ll just have to make it a priority to stop the bleeding first. We can find a way to remove it later.” Caroline replied, gently brushing some of Doug’s black hair away from his forehead. Lauren tied the scarf around the bullet wound and then rushed to Caroline’s side. 

“What if we’re too late?” She whispered, tears filling her eyes. “Or what if he wakes up for a while, but then-” 

“Mmmf…” Doug muttered and both women nearly jumped. 

“Stay with him. I’ll see if I can find some medical supplies.” Caroline rushed out of the room. Lauren picked up Doug’s hand and put it on her cheek, her tears starting to fall. There was another incomprehensible mutter and then his thumb started moving. She exhaled sharply as his eyes opened and he turned his head. He said something else, but she couldn’t understand him. She could only sob, gripping his hand tightly. 

“Vivienne.” 

Lauren could only let out a choked laugh at first. 

“No… it’s me, Lauren.” She rasped. Doug’s face contorted in confusion for a few seconds, but then a large smile stretched across his face. 

“Lauren. Lauren!” He tried to sit up but seethed in pain, clutching his leg. 

“I know. We can’t figure out how to get the bullet out right now, but we’ll get it.” Lauren could speak properly again despite her emotions running high.  

“Lauren. How… how on earth did you find me? I thought-”  

“It’s a long story, dad.” She watched as that expression of confusion crossed his face again, and it was enough to make her sob again. “I…I know. I know that you’re my father. I know about my mother.” 

“But how?” 

“Again, it’s a very long story.” She wiped her eyes. “You won’t believe where I’ve been, what’s happened over 20 years…” 

Doug gently pulled her into his arms, and she felt a few shudders in his chest as he started to cry as well. 

“Oh, Lauren… I wanted to tell you, but I… I…” 

“Shh. It’s okay.” She pulled away in order to take his head in her hands. Doug sighed deeply. 

“No, it’s not okay. There’s a chance I passed on something terrible, and you… you deserve to know.” 

“I already do.” Lauren choked. Her father let out a sigh of dismay. 

“ Shit. I knew it.” 

“I’m okay right now. I mean, I occasionally hear things, but… it’s not bad. Not yet.” Lauren said softly. Doug embraced her again. 

“I wish I had more pills. Something to help you. But… there are other ways to manage it. To ground yourself.” 

“I mean, you seem okay right now.” She replied hopefully. 

“Well… it’s mainly because I took my last dose of Risperidone. I’ve been in stasis so it hasn’t worn off yet. After it wears off… who knows what will happen?” Doug said mournfully. 

Lauren took his hands. 

“We can get through it. Together.” She said softly. There was a beat of silence and then he tilted her chin up with his fingers. 

“...Has it really been twenty years…? You don’t… you don’t look a day over 30.” 

“I’m 43, dad.” 

Doug frowned and shook his head. 

“No. Seriously, Lauren, have you been in one of the relaxation vaults this whole time? Did I miss your name in the system?” 

“No, but she’s been in stasis by other means.” Caroline reentered the room and Doug rubbed his eyes. 

“... Caroline ? But… you’re…” 

“Doug, surely you haven’t forgotten about the Aperture Science Multiverse Initiative?” The woman smiled and sat down on the bed beside him. The scientist looked baffled. 

“It rings a bell. You… you have to be from a universe where GLaDOS was never manifested. Am I right?” 

Caroline nodded. 

“Bingo. I ended up with a very… different fate.” 

“What did you say? I was in stasis? When?” Lauren’s blood ran cold. Caroline sighed. 

“There’s a lot of things the three of us need to discuss, and well, we don’t have much time.” 

Doug nodded and turned to Lauren.

“Yes… Lauren, there’s so much I have to tell you.” 

“Well, come on then. We don’t have much time.” Caroline said. “Let’s go-” Suddenly everything froze and Lauren’s blood ran even colder.

“ Unfortunately , Misssss Rattman … you do not have any time at all.” A chilly voice said. She turned and saw Caroline moving slightly, but the secretary froze completely a second later, her arms reaching towards Lauren. The man smirked and walked over to the woman. 

“Conssssider your… privilegessss… revoked, Mrsssss. Johnsssssson.” 

“I’m not scared.” Lauren said. The man turned to her, wearing a fiery gaze. 

“You are not afraid because thissss isssss your happy ending, isssss it not? Your… beloved… issss one of the victorssss of the battle of The… Borealissss, you and your… father… travel back to White Foresssst with Mrsss. Johnssssson’ssss assssissstance, you give birth to your… daughter, you rebuild. Am I misssstaken?” 

Lauren just stared at her captor defiantly. 

“I am afraid that your…little fantassssy… isss jussst that. A fantassssy.” The man sneered. “You see, Misssss Rattman ,  your fate hassss alwayssss been in my handssss and I decide what your… ending… ssshall be.” 

“No. That’s not true.” 

The glass room gave way to the starry void she’d become all too familiar with. 

“NO!” She screamed, “You’re not going to do this to me!” 

“That wassss more or lessss what your… mother… ssssaid on the night I… accossssted her. Albeit less dramatically.” The man continued to sneer. “It issss a sssshame, what became of her.” 

“I know you killed her! And I know that you want to kill me. Just fucking admit it!” 

“Kill you?” The man let out a short, breathy laugh. “No. I’d much rather watch you… break. My employerssss came to a conclussssion yearssss ago. It wassss that you sssshould ssssuffer for your ssseveral insssssubordinations over the yearsssss. But I believed you could… redeem yourssself, sssso to ssssay. I wassss very wrong.” 

Lauren physically choked on the comeback that had formed in her throat and the man grinned. 

“...However… once you are… gone, whether mentally or physssically, I can sssstart anew. Very easssssily. Unfortunately, assss you will sssoon recall… our… initial collateral fell into… different hands. I am not making… that missstake again.” 

“No.” Lauren finally managed to rasp, “If you’re talking about my… my… daughter-”

“You belong to me, Misssss Rattman. Sssshe belongssss to me.” 

“You don’t own any of us. Not Gordon, not Alyx, not my children, not me.” Lauren growled. 

“I beg to… differ.” The man growled back, but he still had that grin on his face. “Misssss Rattman, I am abssssolutely done being… pragmatic. It issss time for you to remember.” He said, “But, assss you go on, your mind will begin to unravel, and once I releasssse you, or, rather, IF I releassse you, you will be….too far gone to sssave.” 

“I’m not scared.” Lauren said again, successfully masking the shudder in her voice, “In fact, I have a request.” 

The man raised an eyebrow. 

“Take me to that night. The night you talked with my mother.” 

She watched the man’s befuddled expression turn into one of malice. 

“I cannot think of a… better… sssstarting point.” He said, that malicious grin growing. Lauren took several deep breaths and closed her eyes. She knew that her surroundings had changed without even opening them. A gentle breeze ruffled her hair and the chirps of crickets filled her ears. She took one more deep breath before opening her eyes. She was standing in the parking lot of Aperture, which was completely barren except for two cars. One was a slick blue Cadillac; the other was a red Toyota Corolla. The man was standing by the Toyota, holding his briefcase. Lauren stepped forward, knowing that this variation of him couldn’t see her. Or, rather, he was only pretending to not notice her. The latter was much more likely. 

Her breath hitched in her throat as Vivienne emerged from the main building, dressed in black pants and a purple button-up shirt. Her dark brown hair was pulled up into a bun, but a few tendrils had escaped and were framing her slim face. Her light green eyes were focused yet tired. She, too, carried a black briefcase. She paused as she spotted the man by her car, and Lauren watched as a look of annoyance laced her features. 

“Mrs. Rattman?” A slow smile stretched across the man’s face. 

“You again? I’m going to ask you one more time: who do you work for?” Vivienne said sharply. The man was completely unfazed and casually adjusted his tie. 

“And I am going to tell you one more time: a very… sssspecialized… firm.” 

“So Black Mesa’s Legal Department. Look, I’m not going to talk to you outside of the courtroom. Now get away from my car, I have a newborn at home that needs to be fed.” 

“Thisss will only take a minute, Mrs. Rattman.” 

“Your minute starts now. Go.” Vivienne snapped. 

“Such a fire in you. I can sssee why Mr. Johnsssson wantssss you in the courtroom. You are ready to defend… Aperture… fiercely.” 

“Because we came up with portal technology first. We are not in the wrong here, Mister… Mister…” 

“I have a propossssition for you, Mrsss. Rattman. I would implore you to ssssstrongly conssssider it.” 

“I’m listening.” Vivienne said nonchalantly. The man grinned. 

“The Aperture and Black Messsa rivlary issss a bit… curiousss, is it not? Many great minds with many great ideas… yet all have very similar objectives. Tell me, Mrs. Rattman, do you honestly think that you will win this… battle… with the current knowledge at your disssposssal?” 

Vivienne just stared at the man for a moment- to Lauren it looked as though she were under some kind of enchantment. 

“I would like to assssisst you, Mrs. Rattman. I can give you all the additional knowledge you dessssire… and need.” 

“...Really? How?” Vivienne still looked dazed. Lauren swallowed hard and bit back tears. Her mother was like a mouse being lured into a trap that was using exquisite cheese as bait. The man from her present came to stand next to her, that malicious grin on his face. 

“I cannot dissssclossse how I will gather the… intel… for you, but I can abssssolutely guarantee complete ssssatissssfaction with my ssservicessss.” The man from the past said to Vivienne, wearing the same malicious smirk as his counterpart. 

“But what do you want in return?” The lawyer inquired fearlessly, “ Your type doesn’t just offer something like that without wanting something else in return.” 

“I am sssseeking asssissstance with a… project… of my own. You will make a fine addition to my team.”

“Your team? Like a team of lawyers?” 

“Not… exactly.” 

“You can’t be more specific than that?” Vivienne said, raising an eyebrow. 

“I cannot. But I asssssure you, it issss a worthwhile project.” 

“Look, I don’t know if you’re drunk or just a really weird lawyer, but no. I can’t take on a side project. I have a six-month-old at home and my husband and I are very busy as it is.” Vivienne started to walk towards the driver’s side door but the man stood in front of her. 

“You mean your daughter , Mrs. Rattman?” 

Vivienne froze. 

“How did you know I have a daughter?” 

The man said nothing and just smirked. 

“...I know you’re from Black Mesa. What did you do, look in my file? I know you have operatives here.” Vivienne snapped, but her voice wavered. 

“Mrs. Rattman… I encourage you to rethink your decision.” 

“Why? You’re giving me next to no details about what this little project of yours is, and you expect me to just roll with it?” 

“It ensssssuressss a… victory… over Black Mesa.” The man said nonchalantly. 

“You are so full of shit.” Vivienne growled, “Don’t you ever approach me again.” 

“Very well, Mrs. Rattman. I will not assssk you again.” The man’s smirk faded as an expression of contempt crossed his face. He stepped to the side and allowed Vivienne to get into her car at last. She quickly started it and gunned it out of the parking lot, the man watching her speed away. 

Lauren turned to face the man in her present, tears streaming down her red, hot cheeks. 

“You killed her just because she didn’t agree to be apart of your stupid project? Is that all you do? Try to pull people into-” She suddenly choked and lurched forward. She could no longer speak; It was as though her vocal cords had been cut. 

“It issss about time you sssshut your mouth, no? I have been very patient with you, Missss Rattman. That patience hassss run out. Your mother dessssserved punisssssshment for her arrogance, asssss do you.” The man growled, “ If she had only accepted my… very generoussss offer, we would not be here. Now… ”

  Lauren couldn’t even whimper as the scenery around her changed again. She was staring at the younger version of herself in her car on a busy New Mexico Street, with a cop standing by her car. The man stood in front of her for a moment, yet another malicious smirk crossing his face. 

“...It isssss time to remember.”

Chapter Text

Lauren watched as the policeman approached her younger self, swallowing hard. 

“I have to get out of here! You’ve gotta help me!” Her younger self was frantic. 

“Ma’am, everyone has to get out of here. The military has assured us that they won’t commence major airstrikes until the whole state is evacuated. You’ll just have to-” A flash of green light erupted behind the officer and there was a shrill chirping noise. Lauren watched in horror as a crab-like creature leapt onto the officer’s head and he fell to the ground, his screams muffled. She turned the steering wheel all the way to the left, plowing over the police barricade. 

I remember this. I crashed into a tank. Her present self thought. 

“You remember thissss, Misssss Rattman? Are you certain?” The man was standing by her side again. She turned to glare at him, but suddenly she was standing right where her past self was to run into the tank. But the tank didn’t appear. Instead, it was a black SUV. Still, the outcome was the same- she crashed into the side of the vehicle, shards of glass flying and cutting her face. The airbag deployed and she fell against it as the driver of the SUV exited his vehicle unscathed. 

The man wasn’t wearing a military uniform nor a police uniform- he was dressed in a sharp black suit with a matching tie. He wore black sunglasses, which he pushed onto the top of his head as he approached Lauren. 

“Well, well… what do we have here?” He said. Lauren groaned into the airbag. 

“What’s the rush, sweetheart?” The man said, “May I see your driver’s license?” 

“Are you a cop?” Lauren muttered, her dazed mind jumping to the most logical conclusion it could think of. 

“Your license, ma’am.” The man said firmly. She reached into her pocket and produced her wallet, a falling-apart black bifold with an imprint of a lotus flower on it. The man studied it closely and then raised an eyebrow. 

“Visitor badges for both Black Mesa Research Facility AND Aperture Laboratories. How interesting.” 

“Yeah.” Lauren said quietly. 

“Ma’am, I’m going to have you step out of the vehicle.” 

“But I have to- I have to get out of here.” 

“I can help you with that. Just step out of the car and I’ll get you out of here. Get you the medical attention you need.” 

“...Okay. As long as I get out of here.” 

Guess I have a thing for trusting strange men in nice suits, present Lauren thought . She watched as her younger self got out of the car and the man directed her to sit in the back of his SUV. 

“Are you… are you taking me to the hospital?” Her consciousness was starting to lapse. 

“Yes. Just hang tight and remain calm.” 

Present Lauren and the man in the gray suit watched as the SUV disappeared down the street. She turned to look at him again, confusion written on her face. 

“I can assssure you, that issss what happened, Misssss Kessssssler. I can alssso asssssure you that your pssssyche is sssstarting to crumble.” 

She gave him a defiant look and shook her head. 

“You don’t realize it, Misssss Kessssssler, but I do. You will feel the effectssss very ssssoon.” 

Her surroundings changed again. Her younger self was in what appeared to be a hospital room, with an IV protruding from her arm. There was a man standing by the door to the room, clad in an army uniform. 

“I want to see him. They said they’d find him and bring him here.” She said sharply. 

“Miss Kessler, as I have told you multiple times , we have not located your fiance yet. We will bring him to you after we find him and take him in for questioning.” The young man gave her an equally snippy response. 

“Where am I, anyway? You guys haven’t told me.” 

“That’s classified information, Miss Kessler. All you need to know is that you’re safe here.” He replied. The lights flickered for a moment, and a flash of blue light filled the room. 

“Safe? I don’t think so.” Lauren said. 

“Miss Kessler, I would advise you to simmer down. We will give you information as it comes.” 

She muttered to herself and stared up at the ceiling, resting her hand on her stomach. 

“Miss Kessler?” Two more people walked into the room. One of them was a doctor, a young woman with brown hair. The other was another stern man in a military uniform with a severe buzz cut and intense hazel eyes. 

“Yes,” She confirmed, “Did you find him? Please tell me you found him.” 

“Not yet, Miss Kessler. There are hundreds of employees who are still unaccounted for.” The doctor stepped forward. 

“I’m going to take a listen to your heart and breathing, okay?” She said with a smile. Lauren nodded absentmindedly, watching as the two military men spoke to each other in whispers. 

“Okay. Deep breath in… and out. In…” The doctor told her, but she was hardly listening- she was trying to pick up any little piece of the conversation by the door. The young man turned to look at her with a raised eyebrow. 

“What?” She snapped, “What is it?” 

“Ms. Kessler, Sergeant Allen tells me that you were recently caught stealing documents from Black Mesa.” 

“How did you- I mean, no! ” She gasped. 

“I received this information from an informant.” Sergeant Allen said. 

“An informant?! But who-” 

“That is classified information, Miss Kessler. But I am afraid that we have to put you under arrest. Why they didn’t do so at Black Mesa, I don’t know.” 

“That’s because-” 

“Miss Kessler, you have the right to remain silent from this point forward. You are not to leave this room unless authorized to do so by military personnel.” 

“I want a lawyer.” She demanded. 

“A lawyer will be appointed to you in due time. In the meantime-” There was a loud bang outside and the sound of splintering glass- the window had cracked in a spiderweb pattern. 

“Shit!” The man with the buzzcut darted out of the room, but his comrade stayed behind. He was trying to look stoic, but Lauren could clearly see fear in his blue eyes. 

“Take my IV out.” Lauren turned to the doctor, who was as white as a sheet. 

“I-I can’t-” There was another loud bang. 

“TAKE IT OUT!” She yelled, “Or I’ll just do it myself!” 

“Okay, okay!” The doctor rushed to her other side and fumbled with the plastic tube as a terrifying creature came through the now-broken window. It was brown with a large head and several tapered, clawed limbs. The soldier by the door fired his machine gun in quick succession, taking the screaming creature down effortlessly. The doctor finally got the tube free from Lauren’s arm and she practically leapt out of the bed, a dizzy spell and black spots instantly overtaking her. 

She hunched over and held her head, stumbling towards the door. 

“Miss. MISS!” The soldier grabbed her. “You are NOT to leave this room.” 

“Are you fucking crazy?” The doctor shouted, “Now is not the time for rules and regulations!” 

“Military orders are serious business, ma’am! Until my superior says otherwise-” There was another high-pitched whining sound and the three turned to see a yellow creature with three legs in the doorway. It had several eyes and blue stripes on its back. Lauren regained some stamina and broke away from the soldier, leaping over the creature and out the door. There was another high-pitched whine and what sounded like something heavy falling to the ground. The doctor and the soldier screamed as she booked it down the hallway, pure adrenaline coursing through her veins. 

She had to stop once she rounded the corner, the black spots erupting in front of her eyes again. When she looked up at last, she saw the man in the gray suit at the end of the hallway. He smirked and adjusted his tie before turning the corner. 

“Wait! You have to- you have to help me!” She called, darting after him. But, once she’d rounded the corner, he was nowhere to be seen. 

“Please!” She sobbed, falling to her knees. She then fell onto her side, curling into a fetal position. 

“Hey! Hey, you!” 

Lauren barely looked up as a female soldier approached her. 

“What happened? Did one of those things attack you?” 

She couldn’t answer, her choked sobs the only sounds escaping her throat. 

“C’mon, get up. I can take you somewhere that’s really safe!” The soldier extended her hand. She reached out and allowed the other young woman to pull her up. 

“I… I… I need to find my-” 

“You’re looking for your fiance. I know, I’ve been debriefed on your situation.” The young woman said. Her blonde hair was pulled into a neat bun on top of her head, and she had sparkling light green eyes. “You’re under military arrest, but I’m not taking orders anymore. This situation is way too fucked. It’s everyone for themselves.”

Lauren nodded in agreement, wiping her eyes with her forearm. 

“Now come on, there’s a hotel nearby. People are hiding out there until this is all over. Defected soldiers and citizens alike.” The woman led her through the halls of the mostly- empty hospital and into the chaos outside. Lauren covered her ears as the chilling wail of an air raid siren filled them. She’d had enough of the sirens and constant blue flashes in the sky. 

“Where… where are we? The guy that took me here wouldn’t tell me.” She asked, uncovering her ears as they entered the revolving door of the hotel. 

“Downtown Phoenix. It’s not too bad here… yet.” 

“Phoenix?! My fiance… he’s back in New Mexico!” 

“I know, but you’ll find him. I was told that almost everyone from the general vicinity of Black Mesa is headed here.” 

Lauren glanced around the crowded lobby, searching for a white lab coat or a blue long sleeve shirt. But there were only people like her- disheveled, displaced refugees. 

“Wait here.” The young woman told her before walking up to the front desk of the hotel. Lauren was feeling nauseous again, and she took a deep breath. The soldier returned and handed her a room key. 

“Here. You can go upstairs and wait for your fiance. I’m certain he’s headed here, or at least to another hotel around here. That’s what I was told.”

Lauren nodded, feeling somewhat skeptical of the soldier’s intentions. 

“But shouldn’t there already be some scientists and guards here?” She asked worriedly, scanning the crowd once again. 

“I’m just going off what I’ve been told, Miss Kessler. You can trust me.” She took her shaking hand and gave it a squeeze. Lauren nodded again, albeit slowly. 

“Now go and rest. I’ll find him and bring him to you.” 

Although she was still skeptical, Lauren’s head was aching and she desperately needed to lie down. She walked to the elevator and pressed the up button. Once inside, she leaned against the wall until she reached the 12th floor. Room 1216. It took her several minutes to find it, especially because she initially went in the wrong direction. She rushed into the room when she finally found it and immediately collapsed onto her bed. 

“Missssss Kesssssssler….” She opened her eyes slowly. The man in the suit was standing across from her, by the other bed. Present Lauren’s mouth twisted in agitation. Of course he’d come to her that day. She had a sinking feeling as he stepped towards her past counterpart, who slowly sat up. 

“You… you again.” Her counterpart said, holding her head. 

“Again, Misssss Kesssssler. It hassss been awhile…” 

“What do you… what do you want…?” She whispered, “Can you help me find him?” 

The man just smiled. 

“...Please… I need him.” She pleaded. 

“Missss Kesssssler, I am afraid that, given the circumssstancesss, I musssst put you ssssssomewhere where nobody can… get to you.” 

“What… what do you mean? I’m safe now.” 

“Not quite, Misssss Kessssler. My… e-employerssss have inssssisssted that I guarantee your… sssssafety. Thissss meanssss… plucking you… from your current sssssituation.”

Once again, her surroundings changed to a black backdrop with thousands of twinkling stars. 

“What? But I have to- Barney.” She stammered. 

“I have no choice, Misssss Kessssler. I will… retrieve… you… only when it issss deemed neccessssssary by my… employerssss.” The rectangle of light appeared and the man walked towards it dutifully before disappearing into its bright void.

Present Lauren turned to the present man, fury in her eyes. 

“You ssssee, Misssss Rattman, back then, you were conssssidered quite the valuable assssset to me and my employersssss. I wassss to… protect you at any cosssst. Unfortunately, thingsssss took a turn very quickly. It hassss to do with our initial… collateral.” He said calmly. 

Lauren swallowed. He was going to take her there. To that place she’d been dreading, the place she never wanted to see. 

“There is an unrepairable gap in your memory, Missssss Rattman, between when you were… put away… for the first time, to when you… well, merely sssspeaking of it doesn’t do it jussstice. Thissss issss sssssomething you mussssst relive. You musssst relive it to realize the… gravity… of our current sssssituation, why you have… upset the balance of thingsss.” 

Lauren tried and failed to suppress the single tear that rolled down her cheek. She tried in vain to speak, to plead, but her vocal cords remained useless. The man was amused by her struggles once again, his grin wide and more malicious than she’d ever seen. 

“You have earned the right to remember, Missssss Rattman. I do not want to ssssquander it by any meansssss.” 

She shook her head and clasped her hands together in a praying position. 

“I have told you, Misssss Rattman, we are far beyond the… bargaining… phrassssse. It issss all ssssaid and done. You will relive every asssspect of thissss memory. And, well…” The man paused for a moment. “The crackssss in your pssssyche will reveal themssselvesssss.” 

Lauren gave him one last defiant stare before her surroundings changed once again.

Chapter Text

She closed her eyes tightly and swallowed hard. 

I will NOT show any weakness. 

“You are weak, Miss Rattman. The sssooner you embrace it, the easssier it will be to ssslip into oblivion.” The man was in her head, undermining every thought she had. Every synapse, every neuron, was under his control. She opened her eyes and furiously wiped them. 

“For awhile, Missss Rattman, you were ssssimply… put away. I had no ussse for you, nor did my employerssss. Your… ssstay at the handsss of the government wass quite anti-climatic. But resssst asssured that I would have… intervened… no matter what transssspired.” 

Lauren just stared at him, determined not to have any conscious thoughts. He chuckled maliciously.

“You are sssshutting me out, Misssss Rattman. At leassst, you are trying to. That tactic is… pathetic at bessst.” 

Lauren stared at him defiantly.  

“I am glad I elected to remove your ability to sssspeak. Ssssoon enough it would all be muddled nonsssenssse anyway.” The man sneered, “Now… where were we?” 

Lauren bit back tears as the twisted bureaucrat took a step forward. But then he froze. A look of agitation crossed his features and his iridescent green eyes slanted off to the side. Lauren followed their path with her own but she couldn’t see anything. The man cleared his throat and adjusted his tie. 

“As I was saying-” 

There was a distant humming noise and it appeared that the man was moving further away from her. 

“Not thissss time!” The man growled, sharply adjusting his tie again. The humming stopped and he took a deep breath, a smile stretching across his face. 

“Your… friendssss… try asss they might, cannot intervene asss they are hoping.”

Lauren bit back more tears but kept her head tilted forwards. 

“Your sssanity is dwindling already. I can sssenssse it.” The man nearly closed the space between them. Lauren stared directly into his eyes, her mouth involuntarily twitching. She somehow managed to prevent fresh tears from rolling down her cheeks. Her captor looked ponderous for a moment, but the malicious smile didn’t leave his face. 

“Once again, where were we…?” He said. “Oh yessss… our initial collateral.” 

Lauren bit her lower lip so hard it bled. 

“But… many thingsss led up to that… unfortunate… event. Let’ssss ssstart at the beginning…” 

Everything faded to white.

But something was wrong. Everything remained white. Lauren stretched her arms- backwards and forwards, side to side- there was nothing. She opened and closed her eyes several times. 

“Lauren… can you hear me, Lauren?” Another female voice was calling to her. She wanted to cry out desperately in response- however, her voice was still shot. 

“Lauren, can you hear me, Lauren? You need to go back. ” 

Suddenly, a warm, shaking hand grabbed hers. 

“You need to go back.” The voice continued. Lauren’s body shuddered as she wept silently. But then something materialized around her at last- a cozy living room. 

“It’s me.” The voice became distorted and childlike. “...Alyx.”

The shaking hand suddenly decreased in size, and Lauren found herself still holding onto it firmly as she looked into the light green eyes of a little girl. They just stared at each other for a moment, in stunned silence. Then someone else walked into the cozy living room- a black-haired woman with eyes that mirrored the little girl’s. Lauren heard more humming in the distance- rhythmic and deep. 

“What’s… what’s that?” She inquired in a choked whisper. The black-haired woman looked at her in confusion. 

“I don’t hear anything.” 

Lauren took a deep breath. 

Wait a minute, I can talk again! 

Alyx released her hand and toddled away to play with some tinker toys on the floor. 

“Can I get you something to drink? I have some lovely Chardonnay.” Azian asked with a smile.  

“Oh… do you have soda or something instead? I…” 

“Oh, that’s right! I’ll just get you a Diet Coke.” Azian disappeared back into the kitchen and Lauren watched Alyx play. The three-year-old was piecing the toys together purposefully. 

Why am I here? How did I get here? This has to be important. Lauren pondered the new situation over and over again. Why didn’t he stop me from seeing this? Zai said vortigaunts can’t conjure memories. Why do I hear them? 

Azian reentered the room, holding a full wine glass in one hand and a can of Diet Coke in the other. 

“Here you go.” 

“Thank you.” Lauren gratefully took the cold beverage and cracked it open. 

“So. A little birdie told me that you got into some trouble with the administrator.” Azian said casually. Lauren nearly choked on her drink. 

“How did you-” 

“The Black Mesa Wive’s Club. All it takes is for one of us to happen upon a juicy tidbit. Word travels fast.” Azian said nonchalantly. 

“I mean, I don’t think any of them like me to begin with.” Lauren sighed. Azian laughed lightly. 

“Yeah, well, most of them have sticks up their you-know-what’s. They think that they’re part of an elite club just because their husbands ended up in some scientific journal. But don’t worry, I’ll introduce you to the nicer ones of the bunch.” Azian took a sip of wine. “Anyway, what did you do? That’s something nobody really knows.” 

“Um… well…” Lauren glanced around. “I… I have a relative that works at Aperture.” 

“Sacrilegious. I’m disowning you immediately.” Azian said, “Seriously? Is that all?” 

“Well… no. I… um… I stole some files from Dr. Magnusson’s Office.” She felt safe around Azian- admitting her crimes to the other woman felt as though she’d simply taken a cookie out of the jar. 

“Why…?” 

“I’m… doing some operative work.” Lauren whispered, “I have to. It’s the only way.” She heard the humming again, low and foreboding. Alyx was looking at her, twisting two Tinker Toys in her tiny hands. . 

“There’s no shame in it. I’ve done a bit myself.” Azian admitted, “But I’ve never gotten myself into hot water.” 

“Does your husband know…?” Lauren took a sip of her Diet Coke to circumvent her nervousness. 

“Of course not.” Azian lowered her voice. “But it needs to be done. Your secret’s safe with me.” She squeezed Lauren’s knee. Alyx toddled up to them, placing her tiny sculpture in Lauren’s hand. The humming increased in volume again and she shut her eyes tightly. 

“Lauren… stay with me. I can help you.” She heard Alyx’s little voice again. 

“I’m scared.” Her eyes remained tightly closed. 

“I know. I am too.” Alyx’s voice changed again, into a young woman’s voice. “But so is he.” 

“...What?” 

There was a bright flash of light and Lauren shielded her eyes.  

“Welcome back, Misssss Rattman. I thought I’d losssst you.”

She lowered her hand and opened her eyes at last, only to see the man in the suit smirking at her once again. She opened her mouth to speak, but once again found her ability to do so revoked. 

“Before we… traverssse further through your… mindssscape, you mussst underssstand sssomething. Everything I’m telling you, everything I’m… ssshowing you, is the truth. I have no reasssson to lie to you.” The man smirked. “...Not anymore.” 

She found herself standing in a train station that appeared to be surrounded by a white void. The man looked startled for a moment, but that malicious grin quickly crept back onto his features. 

“We’re losing bitsss and piecessss of memoriesssss now. It’ssss to be… expected.” 

 Lauren stared as a train emerged from the void and arrived at the station, and she suddenly found herself sitting directly in front of it, on a bench. She was completely alone- there were no other citizens or even a metrocop in sight. The train opened its doors and she stood up, a gentle breeze ruffling her hair. She picked up her suitcase and entered a car, sitting down on the first seat she saw. 

“Lauren.” 

She heard her name as the train closed its doors and lurched away from the station. She turned her head to see a young woman standing next to her. She wore a brown leather jacket with a Black Mesa hoodie underneath it, and her thick black hair was pulled back with a headband. 

“Who… who are you…?” Lauren could speak once again, but her voice echoed in her head. 

“I’m Alyx.” 

“Alyx. I just saw you.” 

The young woman looked at her in confusion. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just got here.” 

“What?” Lauren blinked and Alyx’s eyes widened. 

“Oh… oh no.” 

“What?” She asked, albeit fearfully. 

“There are many Imposters in this realm. As your mind unravels, you’ll see more and more of them. Some of them are very convincing.” 

“But… I just saw you as a little girl. We were in your mom’s living room and-” Lauren’s voice rose as her panic grew. 

“She’s an Imposter. She’ll make you believe that she’s an ally, but in reality she’s working to destroy what’s left of your mind.  It won’t be long before you’ll start seeing others, too. Gordon, Barney, Philip, me, hell, maybe even Dr. Kleiner. Whatever you do, do not accept any objects they try to give you. It’s their way of binding themselves to you so they can do further damage.” 

“But I… I took a toy from you. Or… not you.” Lauren said shakily. Alyx nodded. 

“That’s why this memory is missing so many vital pieces. She latched onto it and destroyed many components.” 

“So… what do I do? How do I know that you’re not one of them?” Lauren eyed Alyx suspiciously. 

“Because of this.” Alyx reached into her pocket and produced a red and white scarf. 

“That’s… Caroline’s scarf.” 

“Right. She and your father managed to reach me from Aperture using some old interdimensional portal technology. She’s working to get back to you, but it’s going to take a lot of time. In the meantime, just let the man in the suit guide you through your memories. But remember, don’t accept any objects the Imposters try to give you. It could be literally anything. Money, toys, food and beverages… once he sees that you’re not going to fall for it, he’ll have to rethink his entire strategy and that will buy you more time until Caroline can get to you.” Alyx stuffed the scarf back into her pocket. “It’s also possible that Gordon will find a way to free you with the help of the vortigaunts. But the man in the suit and the Imposters know this- you’ll likely see an increase in fake Gordons as he gets closer to doing so.” 

“How will I know when I find the real Gordon? You have Caroline’s scarf. Does he have anything…?” 

“The real Gordon will have this.” Alyx reached behind her head and unfastened her necklace. “I’m just about to go visit him and tell him what’s going on. Night has fallen on The Borealis- Gordon and Barney have managed to destroy the Combine’s initial defenses and they’re resting now.” 

“Can you tell Barney what’s going on?” Lauren inquired hopefully. Alyx shook her head, a mournful expression on her face. 

“No, I can’t. Caroline didn’t tell me why I couldn’t, but it’s definitely for a good reason.” The train came to a halt and Alyx gently grabbed Lauren’s hand. 

“You’ll get through this, Lauren. Caroline and I will make sure of it.” 

“Wait. I have a question.” Lauren said softly. 

“I will try to answer it.” 

“Am I actually… am I going to have a baby girl? The man mentioned it, but for all I know he’s just using it as another tactic to intimidate me.” 

Alyx smiled. 

“Yes. That’s one thing he hasn’t lied to you about.” 

Lauren smiled, a few tears welling up in her eyes. 

“Fight for her, Lauren. You’re stronger than you think.” With that, Alyx stepped off the train and Lauren took a deep breath. She picked up her suitcase and stepped back out into the white void, determined and ready to take on whatever came next. 

Chapter Text

As Lauren stepped out of the train, her surroundings gradually filled themselves in. She was now standing in a desolate town square, a gentle breeze ruffling her hair. The man appeared beside her, wearing his signature smirk. She looked at him, wordlessly asking for an explanation. 

“I have elected to take a… sssslightly different approach at the dissscretion of my employersss, Misssss Rattman. You have been here many timesss, no? You get off the train, you end up in a ssssquare not much different from thissss one. It issss a… ssshould we say… a hub of sssorts. A hub that connectsss to the resssst of your psyche.” 

Lauren nodded slowly. 

“Every sssstep you take, every train you ride, leadsss sssomewhere. I am opening… doorssss for you. You are… welcome… to explore each and every one.” The man said, and Lauren’s blood ran cold. She knew that he was lulling her into a false sense of control and security. 

“As I have mentioned before… we cannot dance around the matter of our initial collateral. However… I have jussst been advisssed to hold that memory, and all of those associated with it… out of your reach, for the time being. It isss for the best, Misssss Rattman.” 

Lauren gave him the coldest glare she could muster, biting back tears. 

“Now… I wanted to elaborate on our previoussss conversation.” The man stepped in front of her, looking her directly in the eyes. “Your… casssse… is a unique one. Contrary to what you might be thinking, you were never… employed , per say. I wasss ssssimply told to keep an… eye on you as you did your operative work. Our contract wasss a mere reassssurance to my employerssss that you might sssuit our needsss in the future. They were hoping you’d prove yourself worthy of employment, but… well, the breach of your contract enssssured a very different fate.” The man sneered before continuing. 

“But the termssss of the contract were clear. I wasss given the privilege of altering your very pssssyche. I can bend any asssspect of your mind to my will. Sssso you ssssee, Misssss Rattman…” He stepped even closer and Lauren rocked back on her heels. “You do indeed belong to me. If your mother had accepted my offer, she would have, as well.” 

Lauren stepped backwards, her hands shaking. 

“You could call it… a family legacy.” The man smirked.

This ends with me. She vowed silently, tilting her chin forward. She then noticed an illuminated rectangle in the distance- it appeared to be a doorway into a shop of some kind. The man immediately took notice and stepped to the side. 

“Be my guessst, Misssss Rattman.” 

Lauren took a few tentative steps towards the door, eyeing the man the whole time. There was faint music playing, and it grew louder as she stepped into the rectangle. The song was familiar, but she just couldn’t place it. She was standing in the living room of her old apartment a few seconds later, and she caught sight of her reflection in a nearby wall mirror. She was her younger self again. The song droned on, but she couldn’t comprehend the lyrics. The door of the apartment opened and she jumped. There was Barney, one hand behind his back. 

“Barney.” She said softly, rushing over to give him a hug. 

“Heyya, sweetheart.” He kissed the top of her head and embraced her tightly. “I got you something.” They parted and he held out a bouquet of flowers- daisies and pink roses. 

“Oh my god… they’re beautiful. Thank you so-” She reached out to take the bouquet but then froze seconds later, remembering Alyx’s words. He was an Imposter. She looked over her shoulder- the rectangle was gone. 

“What’s wrong?” Barney inquired, “Don’t you like them?” 

“Umm… I’ll just find a vase and you can put them in there.” Lauren backed up and rushed to the kitchen. Barney followed closely as she opened the upper and lower cabinets, frantically searching for something that could serve as a vase. 

“I got them to celebrate- I’m starting a new job soon.” He said, coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist.

“Oh… that’s great, sweetie.” She rummaged through a cabinet and found a medium-sized faux crystal glass.

“Lo, they’re not gonna fit in there. Here, you take them and I’ll-” 

“No!” She broke away from his grasp, backing up against the counter. 

“Lauren, what’s gotten into you?” Barney asked, clearly agitated. “Just take the flowers.” 

“I… I can’t.” She stammered. He had her pinned against the counter- there was nowhere to run. The Imposter’s expression turned to one of pure contempt and he snatched her wrist. 

“You think it’s that easy?” He growled, “You just avoid taking things and we can’t bind ourselves to you? All of your memories are corrupted now. Every last one.” 

Lauren could only stare at Barney’s Imposter- his eyes were the soft brown ones she’d always known, but they were filled with rage and desire… a desire to hurt her. 

Lauren closed her eyes tightly, unable to look into those eyes for another second. 

“What Alyx failed to mention is that there are other ways for us to bind ourselves to you.” Barney released her wrists but then grabbed her face, firmly pressing his lips against hers. She let out a yelp and shoved him away, but the smirk on his face told her that he’d accomplished his goal regardless. 

“Close physical contact, for instance. All we need to do is touch you- it only takes about 10 seconds for us to bind ourselves that way.” 

The blue, cloudless sky outside the kitchen window turned a stark white and several pieces of furniture disappeared into thin air. 

“Seeing things yet?” Barney sneered. Lauren closed her eyes again and shook her head. 

“Oh, but you are. Everything in this memory is intact. The sky is blue, the chairs are still there.” 

“You’re lying.” She growled, her eyelids stinging from being shut so tightly. 

“He’s not. Lauren, look at me. Your mind is unraveling.” 

Alyx. Lauren opened her eyes and found herself standing in the star-filled void again. Alyx stood in front of her, immense concern and sadness lacing her features. 

“Show me the scarf.” She said shakily. Alyx produced the accessory from her pocket, smiling sadly. Lauren exhaled sharply. 

“But how did you-” 

“Lauren.” 

She turned her head to see Doug and Caroline standing to her left. 

“Caroline! Dad? You… you got it working!” 

“Not quite.” Caroline said softly. “Right now, this is the only realm we’ve been able to access. The one you’re in… the one that represents your mindscape, is still inaccessible to us. Our… friend… has locked us out quite effectively. We’re searching for a back door of sorts, but it’s going to take some more time. We need to discuss next steps before he forces you into another memory.” 

“Barney and I have done a lot of damage already.” Alyx sighed. 

“Are you hearing anything?” Doug asked gently, walking over and placing his hands on Lauren’s  shoulders. She shook her head. 

“No, but I am seeing things. Things are changing in my memories now. The sky, for example.” She swallowed hard and he embraced her tightly. 

“He’s eventually going to revoke your ability to speak in every realm, including this one.” Alyx said.

“What makes you say that…?” Caroline asked. 

“It’s all a part of his bid to completely control her. She may find herself in a memory where speaking is vital, and his eventual goal is to render her completely powerless.” Alyx explained. 

“ Why is he doing this to me?!” Lauren gently broke away from her father in order to approach the young woman.

“It’s because you breached your contract in a way none of us have done before. You completely defied his employers. Then… there’s the matter of your mother.” Alyx looked down at her feet for a moment. 

“Vivienne? What does she have to do with this?” Doug asked, his voice low and choked. 

“She refused to enter a contract. Lauren, being her daughter and doing operative work, became his next target.”

“Why not me? How was I not next in line?” Doug lamented. 

“He and his employers are quite choosy.” Caroline explained, “You have to be involved in extenuating circumstances for them to want to employ you.” 

“Extenuating circumstances? I was one of the people who built GLaDOS. I survived her neurotoxin and lived in the walls of Aperture for months. How is that not extenuating?!” 

“We don’t fully understand his criteria. Not yet.” Alyx gently touched Doug’s arm. 

“Lauren, you need to go back now,” Caroline said gently, “He’s going to get suspicious if you’re gone for too long.” 

“Are you crazy? We can’t send her back!” Doug snapped, “She’s already seeing things. It won’t be long until the auditory hallucinations start.” 

“Doug, we don’t have a choice here. You and I need to work on finding that back door.” Caroline remained unwaveringly calm. 

“But she’s right here! Why can’t we take her back with us?” 

“If we do that now, he’ll only recapture her and put up even more safeguards so we can’t get to her anymore. We need to figure out how to trap him.” 

“The vortigaunts.” Alyx turned to Doug and Caroline. “The vortigaunts have captured him before and they can prevent him from appearing to people.” 

“I heard vortigaunts earlier, in the memory of you and your mom.” Lauren said, “They were humming.” 

Alyx’s eyes widened. 

“They must be trying to find the back door too. We have to get in touch with them.” 

“What the hell is a vortigaunt?” Doug raised an eyebrow. 

“I’ll explain in a minute.” Caroline said before turning back to Alyx. “We need to find a whole group of them. They can help us.” 

“There are vortigaunts on the arctic base. I saw one earlier.” Lauren said, “Then there’s my friend Zai, but he’s back at White Forest.” 

“We can teleport there.” Caroline said, “But we’ve gotta hurry, we don’t have much time.” 

Alyx turned to Lauren again. 

“Lauren, I’m so sorry, but we have to put you back in your mindscape with… him.” 

“No. Please. I can’t.” Tears welled up in Lauren’s green eyes. 

“You heard Caroline. We just don’t have a choice.” Alyx gently put a hand on her shoulder. “You’re going to need to relive at least a couple more memories. Do your best to keep the Imposters at bay; all of your memories are corrupted now. No taking objects, no physical contact. I’m so sorry I forgot to mention that before.” 

Lauren nodded and bit back tears. She was suddenly being pulled away from Alyx, and she kept her eyes on her father until she was standing in the town square again. Several details were noticeably missing and she swallowed hard. 

“Welcome back, Miss Rattman .” The man in the suit spoke her name with a dangerous emphasis. “Care to tell me how you got out of that lasssst memory without my… asssssissstance?” She shook her head and he chuckled darkly. 

“I am not ssstupid, Misssss Rattman. Interdimensional gatessss are my sssspecialty. Somebody hassss… broken in, no?” 

She shook her head again, though she knew that the gesture was fruitless and unconvincing. 

“No matter. They will eventually… fail.” The man smiled maliciously. “Now… why not venture into another… memory? I have… other matterssss to attend to. But do not worry… you will ssssee a familiar face very soon.” 

Another glowing rectangle appeared in the opening of a building and Lauren took in a deep breath as she slowly walked towards it. She could feel the man’s hot stare on the back of her neck, but when she turned to face him again, he was gone. She had no choice but to press forward. When she entered the rectangle this time, she found herself in a combine-issued apartment. But she wasn’t alone. Her breath caught in her throat. 

Philip. He was standing there, in the same clothes he’d been wearing on the arctic base. 

“Hello, Lauren. How’s the head?” 

Lauren’s mouth opened and closed, but her words kept dying in her throat.

“You’re not-” She stammered at last.  

“Don’t worry, love. No Imposter here. I’m the real deal.” Philip said, walking over to her with open arms. She backed up and pushed him away when he got too close for comfort. He feigned sadness. 

“Aww. I’d think you’d be happy to see an old friend, no?” 

“Friend?! You knocked me out!” She’d somehow been granted the ability to speak again. 

“Oh, that was a mere technicality. I’m quite sorry.” 

“How are you here?” She asked shakily. 

“As our friend just explained, he has other things to attend to at the moment and somebody needs to keep an eye on you.” Philip said calmly, walking over to the kitchenette and examining the watermelon that sat on the counter.

“ Our friend? You told me he was just in my head.”

“Well, of course I did. I couldn’t let on that I knew of his existence. It would have been… a breach of my contract.” The doctor’s seafoam eyes seemed to glimmer for a moment. 

“You… he… you have a contract with him too?” 

“Yes, but it’s extremely different from yours, or even Gordon’s. You see…” He picked up a rusty knife and started to slice through the watermelon. “You don’t remember, but we’ve known each other since… Well,  I met you at Aperture.” The watermelon split into two halves, one teetering on the edge of the counter. 

“You could call it fate, or destiny. I was there that day, having been handpicked by Aperture’s leadership team to witness the first real activation of GLaDOS.”

“What? But you’re not a scientist.” Lauren said, sitting down on the nearby couch. She felt dizzy again.

 “I’m afraid I haven’t been entirely honest about my occupation. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a medical degree under my belt. However…” Philip cut off a tiny piece of watermelon and popped it into his mouth. “It’s a ruse. Did you really think that operatives were exclusive to Black Mesa and Aperture? That they were the be-all-end-all of research facilities? Hundreds, love. Hundreds of facilities all over the world. I started off in the UK, of course, but then I branched out. My Ava happened to be a scientist at one of the world’s leading facilities.” 

Lauren could only stare, resting her chin on her open palms. 

“...So when I was presented with the opportunity to witness the vast scientific and technological achievement that was GLaDOS, I immediately put my name in the lottery her facility had set up. And, as luck… or he , would have it, I was selected. He approached me as soon as I got there.” 

Lauren struggled to comprehend Philip’s words- he was speaking coherently but she just couldn’t make the connections in her head. The doctor cut off another piece of the watermelon and wrinkled his nose a little before continuing. 

“...Why he chose me, of all people, I’m not sure. But his exact words to me were, ‘You seem like the right man for my… special project.’ That special project being you, of course.” He walked back over to Lauren, still holding the knife. “And what a special project you turned out to be.” 

“I am not a project.” She growled, “Is that really what you think I am?” 

“Well, I’ve been working on you for years. After the Black Mesa Incident, we were never apart for more than a few weeks at a time. You didn’t remember a thing. Every time you met me, per his arrangements, was the first time. Then you started writing things down. Which, fine. That’s what anybody with substantial memory loss would do. But, with you having breached your contract on multiple occasions, he was to keep every memory under lock and key as punishment for those insubordinations. His employers’ demands, not mine.” Philip shrugged lightly. “But it was part of my contract to assist him in any way I could with his mission, especially when he became occupied with other matters.” 

“It was you. You ripped up my journal.” She realized, her eyes widening. The doctor smiled. 

“You’re a smart woman, Lauren. Why you stuck your nose in files that weren’t part of your assignment by any means, I’ll never know. Then there’s the matter of Barney…” 

“What about him?” Lauren growled, “He didn’t have anything to do with any of this.” 

“Mmm… he has more to do with it than you think. You were supposed to off him a long time ago in the course of your duties.” 

“What?” She whispered. 

“He was never supposed to be at the heart of the Black Mesa Incident, much less at The Borealis right now. White Forest was not the only time you were told to off him. You just don’t remember the first time our friend told you to do so, during one of your visits to Black Mesa.” 

Lauren fell sideways, tears pricking her eyes. 

“Aww. It’s okay, the dark side of operative work isn’t for everyone. Only the strongest willed people do what they have to do. I’m speaking from experience.” Philip sat down on the couch next to her and positioned her head in his lap. She jerked into an upright position immediately, staring him down. 

“I loved Ava. I really did.” He said softly, running his fingers over the serrated edge of the knife.  “But when my work called for it… I did what I had to do.” 

“You… you…” Lauren was at a loss for words again. 

“I did what I had to do.” Philip repeated, “And then I did it again in City 9. He elected to gradually reintroduce your memories by that point, but we needed you to think that there was a more believable factor to your memory loss at first. Hence your concussion.” 

“ YOU gave me that concussion?!” She slapped him across the face at last, teeth bared. He only looked hurt for a moment, before that smile stretched across his face again. 

“Please don’t come down on me too hard,” He said softly, “Believe it or not, I want to help you.” 

“Help me? How can you possibly help me? You’re working for him and the Imposters!” 

“The Imposters? God, no. What a miserable lot. It’s actually my job to assist you in venturing through these corrupted memories in his absence.” 

“No fucking way. I’m going by myself.” Lauren stood up, but he grabbed her arm. “Let. Me. GO!” 

“Lauren, if you go too far into your mindscape, unassisted, you can do some serious damage to yourself. We’re getting into the deep memories now, those that have shaped you as a person.” 

“What the hell do you know about my memories? What shaped me?” 

“More than you think.” Philip stood up, placing the knife on the coffee table in favor of holding her hands. “Lauren, if I was going to hurt you, or end you … I would have done it by now. I am on your side, whether you believe it or not.” 

She stared at him defiantly, not believing a word he was saying. 

“Lauren, if you want to get out of here with everything intact… your sanity… you have to let me help.” 

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. 

“Fine.” 

“Now,” Philip squeezed her hands as a glowing rectangle appeared beside them. He gently guided her towards it, the smile remaining on his face.  “Shall we?”

Chapter Text

As Philip and Lauren stepped back into the plaza, her heart dropped when she saw how many details were missing. The sky was gray yet cloudless, whole chunks of the buildings were gone, and there was a stark white glow coming from the cracks in the concrete beneath her feet. 

“Is this real?” She whispered. 

“I’m afraid it is.” Philip replied, “What you’re seeing is your mental state deteriorating in real time.” 

“I’m fine .” Lauren said sharply, in a fruitless effort to reassure herself. 

“Oh, Lauren…there’s no denying the inevitable.” Philip said softly, walking slightly ahead of her. She roughly grabbed his arm. 

“If you’re really on my side, you’ll help me stop this.” She said, biting back more tears. Philip paused, staring into the distance. 

“I’ve always been on your side, Lauren. Why would that stop now?” 

Lauren walked over to him, trying to pinpoint what he was staring at. It appeared to be the remnants of a building.

“Caroline, on the other hand…” Philip started again. 

“What about her?” Lauren said, “She’s helping me.” 

“She’s been interfering with your memories. At least, she was before her privileges were revoked.” 

“But she was helping. Leaving me those notes, taking those memories out of his clutches. There’s supposed to be one more, with another note. We need to see it.” 

“I’m sorry, Lauren, but we can’t go there.” Philip said, turning to face her again. 

“Why not?” 

The doctor said nothing and she yanked his arm. 

“It’s the Borealis, isn’t it? It has to be.” 

Philip abruptly grabbed her shoulders, making her yelp in surprise. 

“What happened on that ship, what is happening… you need to let it go.” He said sharply. 

“Why?” Lauren snapped, “What don’t you want me seeing?” 

 “Things are meant to play out in a specific way, Lauren. There  was once a very specific timeline- every event, every sequence of events - was all painstakingly planned out. But then…people like you, people like Freeman and Caroline, had to forge new pathways. I’m here to prevent any further damage, at least when it comes to you.” 

“New pathways? All we did was what we had to do. You’re telling me a whole timeline got screwed up because I accidentally saw some files I wasn’t supposed to see?” 

“ Jesus Christ , Lauren, it’s not about the files! It was never about the files!” Philip snapped, “We’re here because you didn’t have the fucking guts to do what you needed to do. And then there’s the matter of that ship. You overstepped some major boundaries and now you’re fucking paying for it, understand?”  

“No, I don’t! You-” 

“Believe it or not, Lauren, we’re being nice here. He has the ability to completely destroy your psyche. But he’s not- you’re doing it all on your own.” Philip said coldly, “You only have yourself to blame here.”  

“What?! It was the Imposters! They’re doing this. You think I want to lose my mind?” 

Philip gazed at her coldly. 

“It won’t be such a bad thing. We can start all over again.” 

“What?” She whispered. 

“If you lose everything…we start all over again with a clean slate. Just like City 9.” A grin slowly crept across Philip’s face. 

“No.” Lauren backed up, biting back tears.

“Oh, come on, love. Everyone needs a fresh start.” Philip stepped towards her. “Think of the relief. No longer tormented by all those memories you wanted to forget so desperately… the heartache, the guilt. All of it will be gone.” 

“You’re supposed to be on my side! Is that not what you just said a few minutes ago?!” Lauren exclaimed hysterically. 

“Easy now,” Philip breathed, “As much as I’d like to hasten the process, patience will reward us.” 

Lauren spotted one of the white rectangles out of the corner of her eye and inched towards it. 

“Oh? What’s this, now?” The doctor raised an eyebrow. 

“You stay here,” Lauren snapped, “I’m fine on my own.” 

“I can’t do that, love. Unlike you, I follow my contract to the letter.” Philip said, “Wherever you go, I go.” 

Lauren took a few more tentative steps towards the rectangle before breaking into a sprint. 

“Lauren! Lauren, stop!” Philip called after her, but she narrowed her focus and stared straight ahead until she had entered the rectangle, closing her eyes once inside.

When she opened her eyes, she was sitting in the back of a car. She immediately recognized it as her adoptive father’s old Chrysler.

“I still don’t think this is a good idea, Diane. I’ll go inside and you stay with Lauren.” Mike said, glancing over at his wife as they pulled up to a stoplight. 

“Doug’s doing well. It will be good for him to see her.” Diane replied, reapplying her lipstick with the help of the visor mirror. 

“An asylum is no place for a child. Who knows what she’ll see?” Mike retorted. 

“If it’s too much, we can leave.” Diane said simply, “You’re overthinking it.” 

The family pulled into a parking lot. Lauren stared at the large concrete building and was instantly intimidated. She looked down at her hands as Mike pulled into a parking space. 

“Okay, Lauren, are you ready?” Diane inquired, looking at her adoptive daughter in the backseat. Lauren nodded and bit her lip, knowing that her aunt was yet another Imposter. She unbuckled her seatbelt and stepped out of the car, staring up at the large concrete institution again. Her uncle grabbed her hand before she could stop him, and she knew that fighting back would be fruitless. She obediently pressed forward, staying close to him. Even if he was an Imposter, she had no other guide in this memory, having left Philip behind.  

They entered the building with the assistance of a surly security guard, and Lauren cowered closer to her uncle once inside. Diane and Michael walked up to the receptionist and she tuned out the entire exchange, taking in every little detail in an effort to keep her mind focused. White tile floors, string lights on the reception desk, doctors and nurses milling about. Michael released Lauren’s hand in order to sign the guest book, and her eyes fell on a nearby cart loaded down with medications. Two nurses were standing by it, engaged in a tense argument. 

“Mr. Randall is supposed to get 20 milligrams of Risperidone, not 10.” The first one, a skinny blonde, argued. 

“Show me. Show me where it says that in his file.” The other nurse, a brown-haired young man, snapped. 

“Gladly. Let’s go.” The nurses walked away, leaving the cart completely unattended. 

Risperidone . Lauren remembered her father mentioning it back at Aperture. She glanced up at Diane and Mike- they were still very much occupied with the receptionist. She ducked away, unnoticed, and made her way to the cart.Randall… Randall… 

She found the corresponding paper cup along with another small cup of water and ducked around a corner, quickly popping the pills into her mouth and chasing them with a sip of the water. 

“Oh. I see.” Philip strode up to her, a malicious grin on his face. “You’ve learned how to manipulate things in this realm already. I’m quite impressed.”

Lauren shot him another defiant glare. 

“Ah, but the pills will only do so much, and I’m afraid you should have elected to take them at a more opportune time- this memory is corrupted like all the rest, but your ‘parents’ are not Imposters. Imposters can take the form of anyone, except for the dead.”

Philip smiled and put a hand on her shoulder.

“You think you’re smart. That you know the ins and outs of this realm. I heard your little conversation with Caroline, Alyx, and Doug earlier- there was talk of bringing your vortigaunt friends into this. There’s absolutely nothing they can do, try as they might. You’ll hear them humming. But this realm… consisting of every little memory, every little fragment of your mind, is very much off limits, except for a select few, as you are very much aware of.” 

“It’s a prison,” When Lauren spoke, it was in her adult voice. “But even the strongest prisons, with the strongest walls and burliest security guards, can be breached.” 

Philip chuckled as they reappeared in the town square. 

“Oh, so confident. I think we need to dial that down a little… way down.” He leaned in close. “The pills will keep you grounded, it’s true. They’ll fix some of these buildings once they’ve kicked in. But what they can’t do is kill the pain.” 

Lauren opened her mouth, but her ability to speak had been revoked once again. 

“I was given the opportunity to pick two abilities during my stay here. One of them was the ability to silence you. The other…”

Philip tilted her chin up with his fingers.

“Well, it’s not so much an ability, per se, as it is a privilege. He’s been holding out on this memory, for very good reason. He told me to only grant you access if the circumstances called for it… and, well, I believe it’s the right time. Very much so.” 

This time there was no white rectangle or interval of darkness- the scene simply changed in the blink of an eye. 

An apartment. Banging on the door. Lauren’s heart skipped a beat. She was standing in the middle of the room, watching in third person again. 

No. NO! 

Soft sobbing. Incomprehensible pleading. The man in the suit was standing nearby as her younger self cowered in the corner, sitting on a wooden chair next to a floor lamp with a ripped shade. Her younger, disheveled self was red in the face and whimpering. She couldn’t even begin to understand what she was saying. 

“I am afraid that we are… at an impassssse.” The man said. 

“No. No. I’m sorry. Please…. I’ll do anything .” She spoke clearly at last. 

“Oh, I know , Misssss Kesssssler. Unfortunately… what you have done hassss voided the termsss of our… contract. Gaming the ssssysstem hasss nothing but unpleasssant consequencessss…” 

“Take her. At least she’ll be somewhere where nobody can touch her. Please!” Her younger self sobbed. She was holding a bundle in her arms. Hot, stinging tears ran down present Lauren’s face as silent, shuddering sobs escaped her lungs. All she wanted to do was cry out, but there were only fruitless twinges in her vocal cords. 

“I will not be taking our collateral after all, Misssss Kesssssler. Not at thisss point in time.” The man turned to walk away as the knocking on the door increased in volume and vigor, but young Lauren managed to grab his arm. He turned around, his stern expression turning curious. 

“Please… if this is going to happen, I don’t want to remember anything. Just like we agreed before. You can take everything. Wipe it all.” 

The man looked ponderous for a moment. 

“ Everything, Misssss Kessssler?” 

“Yes! I’ve been hearing things… seeing things. Horrible things. Just make it all go away.” 

A slow smile stretched across the man’s face. 

“You do realize, Misssss Kesssssler, that doing sssso will not nullify your insubordinationsss?” 

“Yes! I understand!” 

“Very well. Conssssider it done.” The bureaucrat vanished into his customary white rectangle just as the door to the apartment was broken- the wood splintered violently and several Combine Soldiers rushed in, shouting incomprehensible orders. Lauren watched as her younger self slowly sunk down to the floor, her eyes rolling back as one of the soldiers snatched up the little bundle she was holding. There was no fight, not an ounce of resistance. 

She once again felt an immense tug on her vocal cords as her mouth opened in a silent scream. 

Then she was back in the square, her throat beginning to turn raw despite her forced silence. Philip just stood there, feigning a sympathetic expression for a moment. 

“Do you see now? It’s better to forget.” He took a few steps forward. “It’s all your fault. Your daughter didn’t have the slightest fighting chance without his intervention. Due to your arrogance, your selfishness… she’s gone.” 

Lauren stumbled forward as more burning tears traveled down her cheeks. Philip caught her and she didn’t fight him in the slightest. 

“It’s okay. If you let go… let them take hold… the Imposters… you can get rid of this pain.” He said softly, tucking some of her hair behind her ear. She just stared at him, her whole body shaking. He rested his hand on her cheek before continuing. “They’re a miserable lot, but what they’re trying to do… it’s noble in a way, is it not? Imagine coming out of this nightmare for good, with a clean slate. No more pain. The ability to start over completely. I’ll take you away from it all. We can raise your beautiful daughter together… our beautiful daughter. All you have to do is let me guide you through what’s left.” 

“...I’ll forget everything?” She was able to speak again. 

“Yes. You may not even remember your name.” Philip said, his gaze steady and tranquil once again. 

“What about him? He said… he said he wanted to watch me break.” 

“Another minor technicality. His plan was to release you all along. But that’s entirely dependent on you letting go. If you surrender what’s left, you’ll be back in the present. Everything will fall into place- The Combine will fall, I’ll take you away.” 

“But…what about Barney? My father?” 

“They won’t mean a thing to you when everything is gone. Just two faces in the crowd.” 

Lauren stared into Philip’s seafoam eyes. 

“And my schizophrenia?” 

“Gone. When I say it’s a clean slate, I mean that nothing will remain of your current mindstate.” 

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. 

“It won’t hurt, losing everything.” Philip reassured her again. “Do you trust me?.” 

Lauren opened her eyes. 

“…Yes.” The word sounded foreign to her. 

“No! Lauren, don’t listen to him!” Alyx rushed over, gripping Caroline’s scarf. Philip let out a growl and sneered. 

“Don’t you have your boyfriend to attend to, Vance?” 

“Actually, my boyfriend is going to help me bust her out of here.” Alyx retorted. The doctor laughed. 

“What’s he gonna do, beat me with his little crowbar?” 

Alyx shot him a glare before gently grabbing Lauren’s shoulders. 

“Lauren, I’m not going to lie to you. What he’s saying is true. If you let the Imposters win, that’s it. No more memories, no more schizophrenia, you start all over. It sounds good on the surface, but he left something out. Something big.” 

“Alyx, love, you really don’t want to do this.” Philip said calmly. Alyx turned to shoot him another death glare but said nothing before turning her focus back to Lauren. 

“It won’t be the end of your contract. That man will come back, and he will keep using you to do his bidding. What it will be exactly, I don’t know, but your daughter… the one you’re carrying now, will absolutely be in jeopardy.” 

“A small price to pay, really.” Philip said nonchalantly. Lauren’s mouth trembled. 

“I… I lost my baby. To The Combine. I can’t… not again.” She managed. 

“I know.” Alyx said gently, squeezing Lauren’s shoulders, “But what Philip told you isn’t true. It was not your fault. It was an impossible situation. Lose lose.” 

“Just keep on feeding her the lies, Vance. Whatever makes you feel better.” Philip sneered. 

“Lauren, Gordon and I can get you out of here. You can’t give up now.” Alyx said, her gaze steady but urgent.

“Lauren, do you honestly think your little buddy Freeman can do anything? This isn’t Black Mesa- he can’t just jump into a magical portal and save the day this time.” Philip smirked. 

“Who said anything about a portal?” Alyx gave him a smirk of her own. “We’ve got another doorway at our disposal.” 

“Don’t make me laugh. You think he hasn’t thought to seal every possible doorway, including this “back door” Caroline and Doug are fruitlessly trying to access?” Philip retorted. 

“ Every possible doorway, hmm? Are you certain?” Alyx said nonchalantly. 

“Yes. Absolutely certain. No way out aside from his intervention.” Philip said with unwavering confidence. As soon as he finished his sentence, there was distant humming- abrupt, gradually increasing in volume. Lauren’s surroundings started to change- the sky grew dark and purple flashes of light erupted against the void. 

“Fucking hell. You’ve GOT to be kidding me.” Philip growled. Lauren felt herself being lifted off the ground, an adrenaline rush coursing through her veins in the process. Her stomach dropped and she became lightheaded before lapsing into a euphoric, merciful unconsciousness.

Chapter Text

“Lauren. Lauren…”

 Lauren groaned as she struggled to orient herself. Alyx was speaking her name softly and she was no longer floating. 

Lauren… you’re safe now. There was another male voice she didn’t recognize. She let out another groan and opened her eyes to see both Alyx and Gordon standing nearby. 

“What…?” She held her forehead and attempted to sit up, but was overtaken by a brief spell of dizziness. 

We’ve pulled you out of his realm. There was that male voice again, but nobody was speaking. Lauren’s brow ticked upwards in confusion. Was she hallucinating again? 

“Who- who’s that? Who’s talking…?” She asked hesitantly.   

It’s me. I can speak telepathically here. Gordon gave her a small wave. Lauren stared at him in disbelief. 

“...Where… where’s ‘here’?” Lauren was surrounded by darkness, but Alyx and Gordon both seemed to have an ethereal glow around them.

“It’s a safe realm guarded by the vortigaunts. Gordon and I have deep connections here.” Alyx explained, smiling a little.  

But we can’t stay here for long- the battle is still going on. Gordon communicated. 

“Is Barney okay?” Lauren asked fearfully, righting herself at last. 

“Yes. He’s leading a team of rebels and they’re doing well.” Alyx said, “But as long as there are portals open, the Combine can keep sending in reinforcements.” 

Lauren rubbed her temples, struggling to process all of the new information coming at her. 

“How do we stop it?” 

According to Doctor Kleiner and Eli, we need a way to close all of the portals at once. The rocket we launched to tap into the old Black Mesa satellite array is helping somewhat, but we need something more powerful. A massive portal device. Gordon explained, We believe that there’s such a device on The Borealis. That’s why the Combine is fighting us for it.  

“You have to find my father and get him on that ship. I have no memory of it, but he knows all about it.” Lauren said urgently. Alyx shook her head. 

“You do remember The Borealis, Lauren. The memory is just under lock and key.”

Caroline showed you a snippet of what she managed to retrieve. Gordon added, But that’s the problem- she only managed to retrieve fragments that you both had to work to piece together.  

“Lauren, we need to get you on that ship before Philip can capture you again. If he puts you back in that realm… you’ll lose whatever’s left.” Alyx said gently.

Lauren swallowed hard. 

 “It’s okay. Your father and Caroline will be there to help you.” Alyx reassured her, “But if you do get put back into the other realm, we should be able to pull you back out fairly quickly. We found the back door, but the vortigaunts and I have to guard it.” 

“...I… I don’t think I’ll be able to stay grounded if I go back, even for a short time.” Lauren admitted shakily, “But I did take some pills earlier, in another memory.That might help.” 

You did what? Gordon’s eyes widened and he exchanged panicked glances with Alyx. 

“What? What’s wrong?” Lauren asked slowly, though fresh panic laced her voice. 

“The pills were placebos. They won’t actually help you.” Alyx explained calmly, “While all of the physical objects in your memories have a real-world counterpart, like the letters Caroline and I wrote you, they’re useless stand-ins until you bring them into our world and the current timeline.” 

Lauren frowned. 

“But… Philip said I figured something out and he seemed mad about it.” 

“That was just another manipulation tactic. He wanted to give you a false sense of security.” Alyx sighed. 

“How do I stop this? How do I stop him? ” Lauren choked out. Gordon and Alyx looked at each other again before she walked over to Lauren and put a hand on her shoulder. 

“Gordon and I have done a good chunk of the work already, pulling you out of that realm. Philip can’t touch you here, and that man can’t either. The ship is another story, but they’re scrambling right now because their initial plan has failed. That buys us some time.” 

We have to go back now. Gordon said, We don’t have much time.

“Right. That’s the plan.” Alyx squeezed Lauren’s shoulder. 

“What about you…?” She asked. 

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be guarding the back door to the other realm with the help of the vortigaunts.” 

Alyx… please be careful. Gordon said, and the two gazed at each other for a moment.

“I’ll be fine, Gordon. I promise.” Alyx said softly before turning back to Lauren. “...Are you ready to go back…?” 

Lauren nodded and closed her eyes. A second later, she heard rhythmic humming and she felt herself being lifted again.

“Lauren?” She heard her father’s voice, and she was unaware of how much time had passed- had it been a mere second? An hour? Several hours? She opened her eyes and saw that she was standing in a steel-lined corridor littered with the corpses of Combine Soldiers. 

“...Dad?” She tried as she struggled to get her bearings. Doug wrapped his arms around her and she clung onto him as a few involuntary tears escaped her. She simply took everything in for a moment- the sound of distant gunshots; the chill of the corridor; the warmth of her father’s embrace. 

“I’m so sorry, Lauren… I won’t let him take you ever again.” He whispered, “Are you feeling okay?” 

Lauren could only mutter something incomprehensible but affirmative.  

“We have to keep moving.” Caroline stepped forward. She was now wearing leggings and a fluffy gray coat. Doug released Lauren and nodded. 

“Right. We have to get to the main chamber.” 

“What… what happened here?” Lauren stared at the corpses that surrounded them. 

“She defended herself.” Caroline said softly. 

“...She?” Lauren swallowed. 

“GLaDOS,” Doug said, “She’s here. And she knows that we’re here, too.” 

“Won’t she try to kill us?” Lauren glanced at the rusty air vents above her head warily. 

“If she were going to kill us, she’d have already done it.” Caroline said, her voice still hushed. She hunched over slightly, her arms folded against her chest. “There’s a reason she hasn’t, but I’m not sure what it is.” 

“I… I don’t remember. At all.” Lauen whispered, “When was I here last?” 

Caroline sighed. 

“Actually, Lauren… there’s something you need to know. I should have told you sooner, but-” 

 The father and daughter looked at the CEO intently, but just as Caroline opened her mouth again there was a low chuckle. The three turned to see Philip standing at the end of the hallway. Doug stepped in front of Lauren defensively, eyeing the Brit with immense scrutiny. 

“Just leave her alone. You’ve tormented her enough.” Caroline snapped. 

“Oh, if only I could.” Philip walked forward. “Contrary to what you may be thinking, I’d like nothing more. But as I told her, I’ve agreed to fulfill my duties as outlined in my contract.” 

“This doesn’t have to get any messier, Philip.” Doug said calmly, “We all want the Combine vanquished. The only way to do that is to get to the main chamber.” 

“But of course.” Philip stopped inches away from the scientist, wearing an infectious grin. “Seriously, I’d like nothing more. Close the portals, fight off the remaining forces, live happily ever after. But, unfortunately…” He tapped the handle of a holstered gun that rested on his hip. “...There’s something very wrong here.” 

“What are you talking about?” Caroline inquired sharply. 

“Why, Mrs. Johnson… I do believe you were about to address it yourself, conveniently enough. Go on.” 

Doug and Lauren gave Caroline a curious look, but she only swallowed and looked down at her boots. Philip laughed lightly. 

“Aw, you’ve lost the nerve. Typical of your type.” 

“ Her type ? At least she hasn’t aligned herself with a twisted fuck who gets off on manipulating innocent people!” Doug growled. 

“Innocent… she’s definitely been keeping you in the dark.” Philip sneered. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?”  

Philip tapped the holster on his hip again and strode up to Lauren, tilting her chin up with his fingers. 

“As Mrs. Johnson knows, Aperture Science’s interdimensional gates have proven to be completely safe… until there are complications. With interdimensional gates comes time travel- your tests in the Enrichment Spheres contained only trace amounts, but it was widely reported that the test subjects encountered both their past and future selves on the testing tracks. Does, ‘Warning! If a future you tries to warn you about this test, DON’T LISTEN’ ring a bell?” 

“Yes, that was a known kink. But that has nothing to do with any of this.” Caroline countered calmly, but her brown eyes gave away her fear . The grin didn’t leave Philip’s face. 

“Oh, but it does.” He breathed, “It is true that Lauren was put into stasis by our friend. Multiple times, as a matter of fact. However, it wasn’t to protect her. It was to protect this timeline.”

“What…?” Doug whispered. 

 “Rogue operatives are not unheard of- believe me, I know; but there’s a difference between going rogue and going completely haywire.” Philip said calmly, “Haywire as in, attempting to nullify sequences of events in order to force a new outcome. On that day, we all know which one I’m referring to, somebody did just that. Care to elaborate, Mrs. Johnson?” 

Caroline was visibly shaken. Her eyes filled with tears as her mouth opened and closed. 

“No… mere elaboration doesn’t do it justice. I would much rather show than tell. Care to assist…?” The doctor asked Caroline. 

“My abilities have been revoked.” She said shakily, “Even if I… if I wanted to take us there, I couldn’t.” 

“Ah. Those pesky little details.” Philip winced. “Well, in that case… we will head to the main chamber. Perhaps our AI friend can be of assistance.” 

“What you’re implying… she’s not capable of opening portals to the past.” Doug said shakily.  

“Oh no?” Philip looked at Caroline pointedly and she exhaled sharply. 

“Actually… she is. It’s a feature that only a select few knew about and were able to access. She’s also capable of accessing the entire Aperture Science Multiverse.” The woman explained quietly. Doug shook his head and huffed at her. 

“Unbelievable. We don’t have time for this. Barney and Gordon can’t hold off the influx of Combine much longer.” 

“I’m afraid we have to make time.” Philip withdrew his gun from its holster. “You see, with the current state of affairs and certain elements at play, something’s gotta give. I don’t want to resort to drastic measures, but…” He grabbed Lauren and held the gun to her temple. 

“You fucking PRICK! ” Doug lunged forward but Caroline held him back. Lauren swallowed hard. 

“I’d be very careful about making any drastic moves.” Philip said cooly, “We don’t want to cause any more collateral damage here.”

“Dad… it’s okay. I’ll be okay.” Lauren choked.  

“He’s going to break you.” The scientist’s voice broke. Philip let out a short, breathy laugh and shook his head slightly. 

“Aww, but I already have. Over and over and over again.” 

Doug’s lower lip trembled slightly but no words escaped his mouth. 

“We need to go.” Caroline’s voice was also broken. 

“Right. Lead the way.” Philip held Lauren flush against him and the group slowly ventured down the corridor. Lauren tried to keep her breathing slow and steady in an effort to keep herself grounded. 

Alyx. Alyx, help me. Please. 

She had no way of knowing if her thoughts were actually reaching the young woman, but the silent incantation gave her slight comfort. The group reached a steel door with a biometric handprint scanner by it. 

Caution: Wear your Respirator, read a rusted sign nearby. Doug moved to activate the scanner but hesitated. 

“Well? Go on.” Philip made a prompting gesture with his gun. 

“She’s going to see you as a threat and will react accordingly.” Doug said flatly, “You have to put the gun away.”  

“I have to agree.” Caroline sniffed, “Any defensive weapon will immediately trigger the rocket turret just inside the door.” 

Philip nodded slowly and gingerly put the gun back in its holster. 

“You have to leave it out here.” Doug said firmly, “Holstered or not, she detects a weapon, she’ll defend herself.” 

“...Very well.” The doctor unfastened the holster and set the weapon in a nearby crevice. Doug gave him another cold glare before activating the scanner. The door creaked open and Lauren took in another deep breath. 

I remember. 

The chamber was made up of sterile and white panels, a sharp contrast to the steely paneling that made up a good chunk of the ship. GLaDOS was just as large and imposing as she was at Aperture. Lauren looked up at the spinning white disks on the ceiling and immediately felt nauseous. 

“...You’re not who I was expecting to see. Then again, I was not expecting to see anyone ever again.” GLaDOS said. Doug slowly entered the chamber while Caroline backed up, visibly shaking. 

“Go on.” Philip said again, but the woman shook her head. 

“I can’t.” She choked, turning on her heels. 

“Caroline… please. I can’t do this without you.” Lauren tried, but the other woman shook her head. 

“No.” Her voice was strained and laced with immense pain. “I can’t .” She turned and walked away quickly. Philip scoffed. 

“Like I said, typical of her type.” 

Lauren tried to squirm away, but he maintained his grip on her. 

“Shhh… don’t you see? The more you fight, the more difficult this will be.” He growled, “I don’t want to hurt you, much less kill you. In fact, I gave you a very generous solution to all of this.” 

“Alternative solution? Yeah, some solution. Losing everything and becoming a mindless pawn. That’s an amazing alternative.” 

Philip let out a growl and slammed her against the wall. 

“Everything you’re scared to lose… it doesn’t belong to you, love. Not really.” 

“What the hell are you talking about?” 

Philip released her but another malicious grin crossed his face. 

“Enter the chamber and see for yourself.” 

Lauren swallowed again and turned to walk into the chamber, Philip following closely behind her. Doug was standing at a nearby desk, gripping the edge with white knuckles.  

“It is interesting. My records indicate that your biometrics and keycard are no longer valid within the facility.” GLaDOS remarked, “But I elected to let you in because you are accompanied by a valued member of Aperture Science’s legal team. I am assuming that we are negotiating the terms of earth’s release from intergalactic slavery.” 

Doug briefly looked at Lauren, an expression of pain crossing his features. He swallowed and nodded. 

“...Yes. GLaDOS, initiate Protocol 1943.” 

“Protocol 1943: Close all active portals and disable all Aperture Science Quantum Tunneling Devices. Would you like to proceed with this action?” GLaDOS said, swiveling her body towards Lauren and Philip. 

“Bloody hell, you can’t be serious. I don’t know much about these protocols of yours, but I do know that particular command is only effective within the facility.” Philip smirked, “Did you honestly think that would work?” 

“Yes. Initiate command.” Doug said pointedly, his focus glued to the robot in front of him. 

“Protocol 1943 initiated. All portals closed and all devices, including mainframe, locked.” Another computerized male voice came over the loudspeakers.  

“Oh. I see .” Philip said coldly. 

“You’re not taking her anywhere, ever again .” Doug growled, “You said it yourself- you don’t know anything about our protocols, including how to undo what I just did.” 

“Protocol 1943 overridden by mainframe.” The male voice said. The scientist’s eyes widened. 

“Do you honestly expect me to take orders from you?” GLaDOS swung around to face Doug, who cowered slightly. 

“Well, so much for that.” Philip chuckled. 

“Forgive my little ‘docile’ act, I just had to confirm that it was you before acting accordingly.” The robot’s yellow eye narrowed. “As for you…” She rotated to face Lauren. “I’ve been waiting for you to come back.” 

“Help me remember.” Lauren said boldly, somehow able to prevent her voice from shaking. “I know I’ve been here before.” 

GLaDOS brought herself closer to the woman and studied her intently. 

“Aperture has harbored several traitors over the years. Some were in it for the money, others for the recognition and Nobel Peace Prizes. But you… you simply needed to right a wrong. Your wrong.” 

Lauren stepped forward, but suddenly Philip’s arms were wrapped around her waist. He pressed his lips to her ear. 

“It was fate that brought us together. But this moment, right now… it’s been tarnished. You shouldn’t be here. At least, not as you are right now.” 

A single tear rolled down Lauren’s cheek. 

“You have been here before, in this very chamber. However, it was not in this present timeline.” GLaDOS said, “As your boyfriend explained earlier, portals are gateways to time travel. In extremely rare instances, they can also be gateways to other timelines entirely.” 

There was the sound of a machine charging up and Lauren gasped as an illuminated rectangle appeared on one of the chamber walls. 

“There is someone who wants to meet you. Just step through the portal and greet her.” 

“NO!” Doug stepped out from behind the desk but the floor tile underneath him suddenly rose and threw him backwards against the wall.  

“Go on now, don’t be rude.” GLaDOS coaxed, “Your boyfriend can come with you.” 

“You heard her. Into the portal.” Philip whispered in her ear before giving her a tender kiss on the cheek. What choice did she have? Lauren let out a soft whimper and walked forward, Philip following closely behind her. She stepped into the rectangle and found herself standing in what looked to be a hotel room. At first she thought it was the same room she’d been put in during the Seven-Hour War, but it had a slightly different layout. There was a mini fridge, a desk with a table lamp, and a bedside table. The bed was unmade. It seemed like a perfectly cozy room, and Lauren almost wanted to jump into the bed and bury herself under the covers. There was a woman standing by the large windows in the room, but they appeared to be covered in some kind of parchment paper or cloudy plastic. 

“...You’re finally back.” The woman by the window said, staring straight ahead. Lauren swallowed again and took a step forward. “I wondered when everything would catch up to you.” The woman continued. The realization that it was her own voice speaking made Lauren physically recoil. 

“How’s it going? How’s life?” The woman turned to face her at last. Her long brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail, giving Lauren a clear view of her weathered, tired face. Her green eyes were dull and almost lifeless, as though she were a corpse. 

“How’s Barney…?” Her duplicate asked. Lauren nearly stumbled backwards but caught herself with the desk chair. 

“Ah, she’s just a little shell-shocked. I can fill you in.” Philip said nonchalantly. “She and Barney are quite happy. In fact, they have a little one on the way. Isn’t that wonderful?” 

The other Lauren let out a short, breathy laugh. 

“Oh, so there’s two more things she’s stolen from me. I’ll just add those to the list.” 

“What… what the hell is happening…?” Lauren breathed, her knees threatening to give out. The other woman gave her a smile, but there was clear malice in it. 

“Are you not well-versed on timelines at this point…?” 

“I’m afraid I haven’t quite gone through everything with her.” Philip almost sounded apologetic. 

“Oh, alright. I’m more than happy to explain.” The other Lauren said, the smile not leaving her face. 

“I did mention the little thing about her precious memories not belonging to her. She knows that much.” Philip said nonchalantly. 

“That’s right. They’re mine . The contract is also mine, as much as I hate to admit it.” 

“....What?” Lauren sat down in the chair, feeling dizzy again. 

“Actually, that contract has a lot to do with all of this. He’s pulled us both out of time, on numerous occasions, but we’re here because you elected to do it yourself.” The other woman said. 

“I don’t understand!” Lauren’s voice rose and fresh tears began to stream down her face. Philip put a hand on her shoulder again. 

“You will.” He said softly, “In good time.”

Chapter Text

Lauren gripped the sides of the desk chair’s cushion, trying to steady her breathing. 

Stay grounded, She reminded herself, Just stay calm. Deep breaths. 

“Feeling dizzy?” Her other self inquired softly, “Maybe a bit queasy?” 

Lauren nodded, unable to look her newfound adversary in the eye. 

“Don’t worry, that’s normal. A little… side effect, if you will.” 

“A side effect of what…?” She inquired breathlessly. 

“All that is currently transpiring,” Philip explained, “Some subjects experience physical pain or nausea due to the stress and strain on the mind.” 

“But we’re not in my mindscape anymore.” Lauren said shakily. 

“Doesn’t matter. This is still a projection of sorts.” The doctor replied. 

“Just tell me what the hell is going on.” Lauren said sharply, though she felt sick to her stomach again and doubled over. Her counterpart laughed softly. 

“  ‘Oh, poor me, the bad man forced me into a contract and now I don’t remember anything!’ Don’t make me laugh.” 

Lauren shot the other woman a death glare, but she only sneered in return and trapped her chin between her thumb and pointer finger. 

“All of those precious memories don’t belong to you. Not anymore.” 

“What… what the hell are you talking about?” Lauren whispered. 

“You really don’t understand, do you?” Philip said lightly. Pure panic took a hold of Lauren as she stared into the doctor’s hostile eyes. There wasn’t the slightest trace of softness that she’d come to know. 

“Somewhere in time, you decided that what you’d done, had to be undone, by any means possible.”  He continued to speak softly. “Much like your precious Caroline, you decided to take a vastly different path.” 

“The Borealis is classified as a weapon of interdimensional type. All of that precious teleportation technology that the Combine is seeking… if one knows what they’re doing, they can bend any timeline to their will.” The other Lauren said, getting dangerously close to her. “You and I… we did just that.” 

  Lauren said nothing but stood up slowly, gripping the back of the desk chair. Her knees were threatening to give out and her hands were shaking violently. 

“We’re the same in more ways than the obvious. Back then we were two lost girls struggling to come to terms with the consequences of our desperation in our respective timelines. But despite your desperation, you simply could not fulfill the duties outlined in your contract. You wanted a way out at any expense.” 

Lauren’s blood ran cold and she felt dizzy again. 

“At the end of the day, you’re simply a pawn who got much too ambitious.” Philip said, putting a hand on her shoulder again. 

“No!” Lauren yelled, tears streaming down her face, “There’s no way!” 

“Our friend had to reign you in. But, my dear, you’ll see that it was absolutely for the best.” Philip continued to speak calmly, completely unbothered by Lauren’s continued outbursts. 

“With all that being said, I know things seem very bleak, but fortunately I have a solution. This doesn’t have to get any messier.” Lauren stared through her adversary, her thoughts unable to catch up with themselves.

 “All I have to do is go back to the current timeline in your place. It will restore balance.” The other woman said softly, “You’ll stay here and slip into oblivion. But you won’t be alone.” She gave Philip a small nod. 

“We’ll start all over again, love. You won’t miss a thing about that timeline.” The doctor kissed Lauren’s cheek again, and she desperately wanted to push him away. But her muscles were firmly locked in place. 

“It’s not easy finding out that you’re the villain in your own story.” The other woman said softly. Lauren swallowed hard and closed her eyes, trying to let her words sink in. They seemed out of her reach, too complex to understand. But, suddenly, she felt a prickle inside of her head, almost like a flash of lightning. 

Lauren. She heard her name, spoken wistfully. 

Caroline. 

You remember. 

She saw a room inside of the Borealis and a large portal. The man in the suit was  standing in the distance, his iridescent green eyes locked on her. But he made no move to intervene or advance on her. 

“Wait,” Lauren said quietly, “I remember.” 

Philip let out a short, strained laugh. 

“I’m sorry, what?” 

Lauren saw the other woman emerging from the portal as she stood nearby, her cheeks red and raw due to her tears. 

“...I did want to undo my contract, so I went down to the ship after all the chaos. I didn’t know much, but I knew that I could open portals. You were both there.” Lauren hugged herself tightly. 

 “I opened the portal and met you. In your universe you… you did what he told you. You killed Barney, and probably a lot of other people.”

“I did what you couldn’t.” The other woman sneered, “And, at that time, you wanted to live in a universe where the dirty work was done for you.” 

Lauren thought for a moment and sniffed, wiping her eyes with a smile. 

“...But then I decided that I’d rather live with my consequences and fight for the ones I love, because I’m not a coward.” She said, “You, on the other hand-” 

“Oh, I’m the coward. Right.” The other Lauren laughed boisterously. 

“That’s right. Because you followed his orders against your better judgment.” 

“Whatever you want to tell yourself to feel better.” The other woman said, but it was clear that Lauren’s words bore some weight. 

“But you also wanted a way out. I’d say that makes us even.” Lauren continued, “You’re a pawn, just like me.” 

The other woman visibly bristled at her words, but did not issue a retort. 

 “If fighting for my loved ones means being punished and put into stasis a thousand times over, so be it.” Lauren said, uncrossing her arms and advancing on the woman. “And you… you need to stay out of my way.” 

Philip chuckled and walked behind her, squeezing her shoulders again. 

“I wouldn’t be so brash, love.” 

The small hotel room faded from view and turned into the starry void, causing Lauren’s heart to skip a beat. 

It’s okay, Lauren. I’m with you. She heard Caroline’s voice again but it did nothing to stop the panic welling deep inside her gut. 

“Oh dear. I had hoped it wouldn’t come to this. I don’t know how you accessed that memory, but it’s not going to happen again. I have no choice but to leave you here until we resolve certain matters.” The doctor sighed with a condescending smile.  

“What matters?” Lauren inquired boldly, though her fear was seeping through her voice. 

“Well, there’s the matter of our beloved. I’m afraid he can… no longer be allowed to survive.” Her other self said, “His luck has run out.” 

“Don’t fucking touch him!” Lauren shouted. 

“...Then there’s the matter of your vortessence friends. I’m not at liberty to divulge details, but they must be dealt with as well.” Philip continued calmly. 

“No!” Lauren screamed, “They didn’t do anything wrong!” 

“Oh, you poor, pathetic little thing. All this fire in you, yet you lack fundamental understanding.” Philip said calmly. 

“I understand completely. I know exactly what you’re trying to do to me.” Lauren snapped, “It’s not going to work.” 

“Are you sure?” Her other adversary said in a whisper, “Are you sure you don’t feel what’s left of your sanity ever so slowly slipping away?”  

Lauren swallowed hard but continued to glare at her fearlessly. 

“Well, you can’t say we didn’t try to save you.” Philip said with a sigh, “I think you’ll come to regret your decision not to restore needed balance.” 

“Take me back. Now. ” Lauren growled. 

“Oh, but then you’d be in my way. I’m afraid that won’t do at all.” Philip said jestly. 

“What the hell are you gaining from this? Why me?” She tried and failed to keep her voice steady. 

“Aw.” Philip gave her a small, coy smile and tilted her chin up again. “I suppose you want me to say it’s because I simply have to have you, hmm?” 

Lauren glared daggers into him. 

“If that were the end goal, we’d be done by now.” 

“So fucking tell me!” She shouted, “Tell me what you want!” 

“...Very well.” Philip smiled. “At the end of the day, it comes down to mere business. I was given an assignment and it’s taken me far too long to finish it. If anything, you’ve been holding me back from my full, limitless potential.  At least, that’s how he puts it. You see, he is only interested in those who-” 

“Those who survive extenuating circumstances. I KNOW .” Lauren growled. 

“And that’s precisely the problem. I was perfectly ordinary. Your precious mother was perfectly ordinary. Yet he saw our potential- we were rare exceptions. I strive to be an exception. So, unlike Vivienne, and you, I did not squander my opportunity and jumped into the most ambitious assignment I could find. I’m well overdue for a promotion of sorts, don’t you think?” 

Lauren shook her head in disbelief. 

“We’re going through all of this because... I... you... ”  She stammered. 

“Well, of course I also have to have you. Happy?” Philip smirked and Lauren almost uppercutted him in the jaw. “...But I can only have you, close your file, if you slip away into oblivion. All you need to do is accept your punishment and let your memories fade away. You’re the one making this overly difficult, not me.” 

Lauren could only stare at him for a moment, the weight of everything starting to accumulate like bricks on her spirit. She came to a realization and her entire being went cold. 

  I’m tired. 

 Lauren… Caroline tapped into her thoughts again as she slowly sunk down to her knees. 

I’m TIRED. 

Lauren, no. It can’t end like this.  

“...Okay. I’ll go with you.” She looked up at Philip in complete submission. 

“Oh? Why the change of heart?” The doctor raised an eyebrow. 

“I… don’t want to fight anymore. I’m tired. All of my memories… they only bring pain. An old life I can never get back.” 

“And the other you…?” 

“Why should I care?  I’m done fighting.” She breathed, a single, hot tear rolling down her cheek. 

“It’s definitely the noble thing to do.” Philip said softly, caressing her cheek. “I promise that we can have a good life. You, me, and our daughter.” 

Lauren nodded and closed her eyes. 

“Just… before we get rid of everything, there’s one last memory I want to see, one last time.” She said softly. 

Lauren, NO! 

She felt the spark again. Philip nodded. 

“Absolutely. I can also rid you of that meddling Caroline. Would you like that?” 

Lauren nodded again. Philip caressed her cheek for a moment, the hostile look in his eyes replaced with a genuine thoughtfulness. 

“Done.” He said softly. “I will give you access to every memory that’s been locked away. Visualize the one you want to go back to. However, do keep in mind that it’s the only one you can see before everything is wiped.”

Lauren thought hard for a moment as her long-lost memories flooded through her mind like water breaking over a dam. The desert kiss on New Year’s Eve? Barney’s proposal? Their first meeting? Prom night? Playing with her cousin? No. She needed one that would truly stick with her for several blissful seconds. She found it at last, seemingly tucked behind the others. She opened her eyes and nodded at Philip. 

“...I’m ready.” 

“...Close your eyes again. You will be in the memory as you were at that moment.” 

Lauren did as she was told, and the unsettling silence gave way to the soft chiming of a music box mingling with a low growl of thunder. She opened her little eyes as a flash of lightning illuminated the purple walls of her childhood bedroom. There were footsteps in the hallway, and then her door creaked open. 

“Lauren…” Doug said softly, venturing into the room. “Lauren, are you okay?”  

“I’m scared.” She said quietly, sitting up and wrapping her pink sheets around her body. Doug tentatively sat down on the bed and switched on the bedside lamp. 

“Yeah. Thunderstorms are scary. I needed to check on you.” 

“Mommy says it will be over soon.” Lauren said, hugging herself. 

“Exactly. All scary things end eventually.” Doug gently stroked her forehead with his thumb. “It will be bright and sunny tomorrow, and the birds will be chirping.” 

“I’m still scared.” 

Lauren’s music box stopped chiming and a roll of thunder shook the house’s foundation. She yelped and grabbed her stuffed rabbit, Bonnie. Doug rewound the music box and then gently wrapped his arm around the little girl, giving her a brief hug. 

“Just listen to your music box and hug Bonnie. It will be over soon, I promise.” He said softly. 

“Will you stay?” Lauren whispered.  

“Yes. I’ll stay here until you fall asleep.” Doug replied softly. Lauren laid back down and burrowed into her sheets, her green eyes getting heavier with every passing second. 

“I love you, Lauren.” 

Everything faded to black, then she was standing in the star-filled void once again. Philip walked to her side as another white rectangle opened in front of her. 

“Just step into that portal and we’ll start over.” He breathed, “Truthfully I’m not quite sure where we’ll end up, but it will be far away.”  

Lauren stepped forward, her shoulders rising and falling as she took in another deep, cleansing breath. She glanced over at Philip, only to realize that they were no longer alone. Alyx and Gordon were standing there, along with Zai, Barney, and Eli. She also saw Stacy, Mike, Lisa and Tory. 

“What…?” She said, genuine confusion taking over. 

“You’re going to forget everything. That includes all of us.” Alyx said. 

You’re surrendering your mind. There’s no need for us anymore. Gordon projected.

The Imposters. 

Fresh tears filled Lauren’s eyes as someone gently pushed Gordon and Alyx to the side. It was her counterpart, looking somewhat mournful. 

“It’s for the best.” She said softly. 

Lauren bit back more tears and took a few more steps forward. 

“A wissssse choice, Misssss Rattman.” 

Lauren jolted her head around at the sound of the all-too-familiar voice, but the source of it was nowhere to be found. She took one last look around, taking in the familiar-yet traitorous faces all around her. She then met Alyx’s gaze, gentle but slightly unsettled, as though she were anticipating something. A pang of nerves struck Lauren and her heart picked up its pace as the young woman slowly reached into her pocket and produced a red scarf. 

“No.” Philip whispered, “That’s impossible!” 

The Imposters immediately surrounded Alyx, staring her down with a fiery intensity. 

“Just what do you think you’re doing, child?” Philip snapped, grabbing her wrist tightly. Alyx said nothing, but a smile gradually stretched across her face. The doctor proceeded to grin as well. 

“I have heard that you’re quite good with a gun. But you cannot kill abstractions.” 

“I know that.” Alyx relied nonchalantly.

“How did you even get in here?” 

“The vortessence contains infinite mysteries. There are very few doorways, but those whose lifeblood runs deep may find access quite easily.” Zai said, “On the other hand, those with an unfair advantage and twisted motivations are likely to meet their downfall.” 

Lauren became vaguely aware of other figures emerging from the darkness. There were several instances of bright orange that commanded her attention and held it. Alyx appeared to swallow as the imposing figures, including the one that had been standing by her side seconds before, advanced on them. 

“The Free Man does not take kindly to those who have adopted an unworthy cause.” Philip said, “I suggest you walk into the light, Lauren. Otherwise, you’ll suffer through a battle that you have no chance of winning.” 

“Don’t listen to him, Lauren. We’re strong enough together.” Alyx said, “You, me, and Zai.” 

Lauren glanced around again, Alyx’s words falling futilely against her ears. 

“...No. I’m too tired.” 

“Lauren-” 

Lauren turned to Alyx and gently grabbed her hands. 

“...It’s okay. I’m through fighting. I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I… I just want to end this.” 

“No, please. You’ve gotta fight.” Alyx pleaded, and Lauren could see tears welling up in her eyes. 

 “You can’t be the hero this time, child..” Philip sneered, "I would just let her go."

“I am not a child.” Alyx snapped, “And I’m not going to let Lauren throw her life away.” 

The Gordons all took a step forward. Each one was equipped with either a crowbar or a gun, all aimed at Lauren. 

“They may be abstractions, but I assure you, they can and will hurt you.” Philip said, “They have special privileges and one objective: to destroy you.” 

Lauren released Alyx’s hands and turned back to the white rectangle. She could feel both the young woman and Philip’s hot gazes on the back of her neck as she took a step forward. 

“I’m tired.” She repeated into the void, briefly closing her eyes. Alyx said her name softly, mournfully, but Lauren could hardly hear her. The closer she stepped to the rectangle, the more white noise assaulted her ears. There was a warmth, too, as though the sun were shining on her face. She took one last, cleansing breath and stepped into the doorway.

The next thing she was aware of was gunfire and the smell of metal. She opened her eyes to find herself standing on one of the upper docks of The Borealis. The chilly air filled her lungs but left just as quickly as she exhaled sharply. Philip, or anyone else for that matter, were nowhere to be seen. Lauren tentatively took a step forward, only to slip on the slick deck due to caked-on snow and ice. As she gripped the nearby railing and righted herself, she caught sight of the carnage below her. Several rebels were lying on the deck below, puddles of crimson blood pooling underneath them. She backed away from the railing and leaned against the cold steel body of the ship. 

“Lauren?” Someone called her name and she violently jerked her head around. Her father stood in a nearby doorway, looking disheveled and stricken with worry. 

“Dad!” Lauren ran over to him, tears uncontrollably streaming down her face once again. Doug started to cry too, his chest heaving with heavy sobs. They just stood there a moment, holding each other. 

“She… she didn’t hurt you…?” Lauren managed at last. She heard Doug’s breath catch in his chest, but he said nothing. “Dad? You have to tell me what happened.” 

“It was the only way.” He uttered at last, maintaining his death grip on her. 

“What? What did you do?” Lauren pulled away in order to look into his frenzied blue eyes. 

“Oh. I see.” A cold voice said behind her, “Figures.” 

Doug stepped in front of Lauren defensively, his lanky body shivering slightly. 

“You leave her alone now. It’s fucking done. Nullified.” 

Philip briefly looked bemused, but that customary malicious grin quickly found its way back onto his face. 

“Ah. I understand completely. I know when I’ve been defeated. Damn.” 

“Dad. What did you do?” Lauren’s voice rose again.  

“Well, I suppose I should just head out. The great battle of The Borealis is nearly over. I am one of the defeated.” Philip walked over to the railing, putting on a mournful expression. 

“Dad-” 

“Stay behind me, Lauren.” Doug growled. “If there’s anything left for us to settle, Phil, let’s do it. Man to man.” 

“Ohhh.” Philip unholstered his gun. “But you see, that would just be a waste of valuable time.” 

“Lauren?! Lauren, are you up there?” Another voice rang through the gunshots and blowing wind. 

“Barney!” Lauren lunged forward, but Philip immediately pressed the gun to her chest. 

“Lauren! I’m coming up! Stay right there!” 

“Yes. I agree.” Philip whispered, cocking the gun. “You just stay right here.” 

“No! Don’t come up!” Lauren yelled, but it was too late. Barney had already entered the door below. “BARNEY!” 

“Don’t worry.” Philip reassured her, though his voice was laced with malice, "I think you're long overdue to see your beloved, no?" 

“Dad, do something!” Lauren pleaded. 

 Doug was clearly biting back tears as he shook his head gently. 

“I can’t.” He said softly. 

“No.” Lauren gasped as the realization hit her fast and hard, “Dad, you… you didn’t! Not him. No!” 

“It was the only way,” He repeated, “I had to protect you. I had to bring you back.” 

The howling wind increased tenfold, sending Lauren’s body into a cold stupor. She was beyond frozen- what was left of her spirit shattered into several jagged pieces. She slowly sunk to the ground again, completely and utterly broken.