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The day Kara went to the Phantom Zone - 2021
"KARA!" Lena screams. She sees the panicked look on all her friends' faces and wants nothing more than to kill her brother for a second time. What’s a little murder between siblings? This could be considered self-defense, right? He has tried to assassinate her on multiple occasions after all.
Once they subdue the asshole and get back to the tower, everything becomes real. The minute she realizes Kara is truly gone, she panics. For once in her life, her mind is blank. She has no idea where she is going, but she has to get away from everyone. She needs to find somewhere that she can go to feel close to Kara, to be able to feel her presence. Before she knows what’s happening, she is standing in front of Kara's apartment door unlocking it. As she closes the door behind her, she collapses onto the floor and deep, wracking sobs surge from her body.
She isn’t sure how much time passes, but she wakes up on the floor in Kara’s apartment feeling like she’s been run over by a truck and then backed over again for good measure. Her phone is vibrating incessantly in her pocket and she couldn’t care less. She knows it is one or all of the Superfriends trying to check-in, but she just can’t deal with it right now. She just got Kara back and now her piece of shit brother sent her to a place that is sheer trauma for Kara. The two of them were definitely on their way to repairing their friendship and there are still so many things she never said, so many things she should have said.
Now, she may never get the chance.
Tears sting her eyes again. She didn’t think she had any left, but here she is crying on Kara’s apartment floor thinking about all the things she never said to the woman she knows she’s been in love with for years. Fuck. She may never get the chance to tell the one person she has ever truly loved how she feels.
Get up off the floor, Luthor. You know Kara wouldn’t want you to isolate yourself and box up your emotions.
So, that’s what she does. She gets up and takes in the apartment. It is so full of warmth and is just so Kara. She walks into the kitchen and makes a mental note to throw out anything that could spoil before they get her back. That thought stops her in her tracks.
What if we don’t get her back? What if…No. Nope. They will find a way. If it’s the last thing she does, they will get her back.
She decides she needs to sit down and sort through her thoughts. She sees a notebook and pen on the coffee table so she grabs them and makes herself comfortable on the couch. She absently flips through the notebook. What she finds halts her movements and starts a fresh stream of tears. There on a page in the middle of the notebook is a masterful sketch of her laughing with her head tilted and full dimples on display.
Is this how she sees me? She wonders. Before she realizes what’s happening, she has started writing Kara a letter.
Two hours later, she blinks back to reality and decides she needs to get some sleep. She takes the notebook with her to Kara’s bedroom, places it on the nightstand, and heads to the shower. She will sort through the rest of her thoughts and feelings tomorrow. Tonight, she wants to be surrounded by Kara.
And that’s how it goes almost every day. She keeps writing and will continue until they get Kara back from the Phantom Zone. Lena spends everyday at the Tower and every night in Kara’s apartment writing her letters. First, it’s to tell her all the things she never said, then, it’s to keep her up to date on everything that is happening while she is gone. Who knows if she will ever give them to Kara, but it helps her cope with the missing piece of her life.
The day Lena leaves for Fortune Bay - 2021
With Lex in prison and Lillian god knows where, Lena was the one that took over Luthor Manor. Plus, she needs a break from the Tower. Getting Kara back was great, but it’s still a little awkward. While she was at the manor, Lena found some information about her birth mother. She isn’t sure why, but she feels a deep pull to find out more about her life before the Luthors. With Andrea’s help, she is able to get the name of a town in Newfoundland called Fortune Bay. She knows she has to go. She has to see if she can figure out who she really is.
But, she also doesn’t want to be away from Kara. There are so many things left unsaid between them and she knows Kara is going to need her friends and family more than ever. She’s torn about what to do. So, yet again, she finds herself standing in front of the apartment that has been her home during the time that Kara was gone. Pulling out the key and unlocking the door, she steps into the safest space she has ever known. Kara isn’t there, she made sure of it before she came. She already let the blonde know that she was leaving for a while and why. It wasn’t an easy conversation, but as she always is, the superhero was understanding.
She sighs, pulls a letter out of her purse, and makes her way into the blonde’s bedroom. Gingerly, she runs her fingers over the neat letters spelling Kara’s name and places it on the bedside table under the glasses sitting there. The raven-haired genius has no idea when her best friend will find it and she is more nervous about leaving it than she has been about anything else in her entire life, but she promised herself that she wouldn’t bury her emotions anymore so she’s taking a risk.
At least I won’t be here when she finds it. She thinks. God, you’re such a fucking coward, Lena. She actually laughs out loud at that as she walks back toward the door taking one last look around before she locks up and heads out.
Hopefully this is the beginning of a new adventure.
The night after Lena leaves for Fortune Bay - Kara’s apartment
Kara's exhausted. Putting on a strong face for her friends and family is tiring. She doesn't want to pretend, but she doesn't know what else to do. A lifetime of trauma and stuffing everything down has conditioned her to do this and it's a habit she doesn't know how to break.
And now, Lena's gone for who knows how long.
Lena's the only one who can understand and she's not here. She thinks as she drops her keys and bag by the door to get a shower. Having dinner at the tower was draining and she just wants to go to sleep. She grabs some clothes and heads to the bathroom.
The water is as hot as it will go and she stands under it hoping it will wash away the feelings of dread and hollowness. She knows her sleep will be riddled with nightmares and restlessness, but her body is tired. And god, she misses Lena so damn much. They've barely spoken since she got back and now the raven-haired woman is gone indefinitely. She's incredibly supportive of Lena getting answers and finding a connection to her mother, but her heart hurts being away from her best friend. There's so much they still need to talk about. Not to mention the fact that she knows with her entire being that she is desperately in love with the genius woman. They promised no more secrets and here she is sitting on yet more deception.
Okay, Kara, get your shit together and stop pining after your best friend.
She sighs and turns the water off. She really needs to get in bed and try to get through this night. Getting dressed and through her routine, she heads to her bedroom. As she plugs her phone in, she sees an envelope sitting on her nightstand. She knows that handwriting as much as her own, that's a letter from Lena. Her heart is suddenly in her throat and her mind is racing. Lena must have put it there before she left and she's not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.
The blonde grabs the letter and sits back on her bed. She gently runs her fingers over her name written in the most neat and elegant script she's ever seen. It makes her heart flutter and she smiles. Running her free hand over her face, she forces herself to open the letter and tries to calm herself down. Surely her best friend wouldn't leave a letter containing something horrible and then leave town. Right? She sighs and pulls the pages from the envelope.
Here goes nothing. She thinks.
My Dearest Kara,
By now, you know I've left to try to find more information about my birth mother. I hope I won't be gone for too long. Especially since we just got you back and gods have I missed you. We have so much we still need to talk about and I know we will, Kara, but I wanted to leave this for you in the meantime.
While you were gone, I spent a lot of time here in your apartment. For many reasons, but there are two that are the most important to me. The first is that being here made me feel close to you and I desperately need that. The second is because your apartment is one of the only places I've ever felt safe. I hope you don't mind that I was here. I tried to keep everything in order and well taken care of for you. I hope it shows.
Now, on to the real reason for this letter. The first night I was here, I was a wreck, Kara. Losing you like that right after we had just gotten each other back was devastating. It felt like my whole world fell apart, again. When I came in and looked around, I realized I didn’t want to be anywhere else. I could feel you all around me and it was what I needed. It was then I noticed a notebook sitting on your coffee table. I decided to try to sort through my thoughts, write something down and try to make sense of what was swimming around in my head. About halfway through the notebook, I found a sketch. Darling, it took my breath away. It was truly breathtaking to see how you view me through your beautiful blue eyes. I was so mesmerized by it that I think I stared at it for hours. Anyway, it made me realize that there were so many things I never said to you. So many things I didn’t say and should have. Of course, I could go on and on about the reasons why, but that’s for another time.
For now, I want to leave you with the first letter I wrote to you on that first night when the pain was so fresh and raw. We will have time to talk about things and say all the things that need to be said, I promise. Until then, Kara, here are some of the things I kept to myself, some of the secrets I kept. Please read them with an open mind and an open heart, Darling. These words are from the bottom of mine. I will see you soon.
Love Always,
Lena
Tears are streaming down her face as she tilts her head back onto the headboard of her bed. She has no idea what she is about to read, but the fact that Lena stayed in her apartment while she was gone simultaneously shatters and heals her heart. The idea that she felt close to the blonde and safe in her apartment is not what she expected. The sketch Lena referenced is ingrained into her mind. She remembers exactly which one and suddenly needs to get her hands on it. So, she sits the letter on her bed and runs into the living room to grab her notebook. Once she settles back in bed, she opens it up. It’s still there, but Lena placed a pastel green sticky note on the opposite page with a note that says, ‘You are truly an amazing artist, Kara. I hope you know that. xo, L’. She smiles and holds the notebook to her chest. It makes her wonder if Lena left any other little surprises to be found. She shakes her head and thinks, another time, Kara. She has a letter to read.
She picks the letter back up and gets back to it. There are several pages of Lena’s wonderfully elegant handwriting. For reasons she can’t even begin to fathom right now, her stomach has a nervous swarm of butterflies skipping around in it. The superhero knows that whatever words she is about to read will alter her life forever, she just doesn’t know how. Regardless, she is diving in head first.
Hi Kara.
We just lost you. It hurts more than anything I have felt in a long time. I’m not sure if I will be able to put words to it that make sense or that give it justice right now. What I do know is that I can’t breathe. When I got here earlier and opened the door, I collapsed into a heaping, sobbing pile onto the floor in front of your door. I’m still not sure how long I stayed there, time seems to have stopped and everything is a big blur. It’s all just…I don’t know, bland and colorless. Without you, I am a drifting ship in the middle of a hurricane. I know what it is like to be without you already and I don’t want to go through it again. You mean far too much to me for that. Right now, it feels like my entire soul has been ripped from my body. It feels absolutely hopeless. For tonight, I am going to let myself feel hopeless. I am going to let myself experience the emotions I need to, but I promise you, tomorrow, all of us will fight to get you back home, Kara. You taught me that there is always hope. I will not stop until you are back here. I hope wherever you are and whatever you are doing, you know we won’t stop. I will never stop fighting for you.
There are so many things I didn’t say to you over the years. So many things I wanted to say or needed to say, but always came up with a list of reasons not to. I guess, in a sense, I was keeping a secret too, Kara. Just as we start working our way back to each other, my brother fucks it up, and you’re gone without me ever having told you my biggest secret. Where do I start with this? How do I go about telling you some of the things that should have been said so many years ago? Especially now that you aren’t here to hear them from me directly. I don’t want it to be too late, Darling. I hope it isn’t.
I suppose I should just start from the beginning. That’s what you would do, right? Ha. Or maybe you would just blurt it out in one big classic Kara Danvers ramble. Boy would I love to hear one of those right now. You have to be the most adorkable person I have ever met, Kara. You’re probably my single most favorite person on this planet. Well, probably the entire known universe, but semantics. Anyway, I am rambling now. You’ve rubbed off on me! I’m nervous about this and you’re not even here for me to have to actually speak the words. You have a way of making me a little nervous. Not many people have that effect on me, but you always have. So, the beginning, let’s start there.
Your appearance in my office that day with Clark was something I will never forget. God, you were just beautiful standing there in your cute little cardigan and nerdy glasses. I was taken with you right away. I’ve never had that kind of reaction to anyone before, Kara. I know if it wasn’t for my Luthor upbringing, I would have been a rambling mess. Even in that first encounter, I was drawn to you and I meant every single word of it when I told you I hoped it wasn’t the last time we talked. I wanted to know you. I would even venture to say that I was enamored with you, I just didn’t realize it yet. You waltzed into my office with your cousin and walked out with my heart in the palm of your hand. It was terrifying, exhilarating, earth-tilting, and unsettling. I didn’t quite know what to do with that reaction, but I knew I couldn’t stay away. That was the first time I knew there was something different about you.
Something I still laugh about is when I went to CatCo and invited you to my charity gala. You know, I was actually asking you out on a date. It makes me laugh at how completely clueless you were to that fact. At the time, I thought it was because you just weren’t interested in me, and maybe that is still part of it, but in hindsight, I think it had more to do with the fact that your Kryptonian heritage and customs are so different from ours here on Earth. No matter how long you have lived on our planet, I know now that you still miss some of the social cues, but then, I had no idea. Regardless of whether you were interested in dating me or not, I knew I wanted you in my life. For me, that was when I realized that I already liked you more than I wanted to ever like anyone again. It scared me in the same ways it made me giddy.
Filling your office with flowers. It was another thing that I did trying to get you to realize how much I liked you. Again, it’s a little funny to me now that you didn’t see it for what it was. I think I have liked you for so long that so many things stand out as I look back. The closer we got, the more painfully obvious it was to me that I was falling in love with you. When you started dating Mon-El, I was pretty sure I had lost my chance for good, but still couldn’t imagine my life without you in it. It was always about you being happy. It never mattered to me who played that role as long as you were truly happy. I won’t lie and say that I ever like that guy, Kara. He was never, ever going to be good enough for you. You deserve more than anyone on any planet could ever give you. Anyway, I am rambling again.
When you lost Mon-El, it was hard to watch you in so much pain. I felt so much guilt about it and when you pushed me away, it hurt, but I felt like you were justified since I played such a pivotal part in him having to leave. Then, you pushed me to date James, I thought you had figured out how I felt about you and were trying to use that as a way to let me down kindly. I knew from the start that it was never going to work with him, but wanted to give it a chance since you seemed to think so highly of him. I still have a lot of questions about that and why you pushed that so much, but I never asked. I have been a coward about a lot of things, Kara. It is so obvious to me now, but at the time, I just wanted you in my life, no matter what that meant. Looking back, I know I never should have dated James. He was never who I wanted.
I know this is all out of order and might seem jumbled, but like I said before, I just need to get this all out and to ‘tell’ you all the things I should have said, but was too fucking scared to. You deserve to know my secret too.
When Jack died, it hit me hard. Like you, I have lost so many things in my life that I just expect everyone to leave in some way. He was part of so many of the best parts of my life. At least my life before you. I know you felt guilty about what happened with Jack. I didn’t know at the time that it was my Kara that I saved, but I do know it wouldn’t have mattered, I would have made the same decision. It was the right one. As much as it hurt to make it, I would make it again, every time. I could go on and on about so many things, Kara. There are a ton of things that we need to talk about and talk through. We will do that when we get you back. I promise.
Until then, I will leave you with my truth. My own little secret that I never told you, but most definitely wish I would have. So, here it is, Kara…
You are my perfect partner at game night.
You are who I think about first thing in the morning and the last at night.
You are quite simply the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Ever.
Losing you last year felt like losing a part of myself.
I never knew what it meant to be truly loved, unconditionally, before I met you.
Kara, I love you.
I am in love with you.
I think I always have been.
Please come back to me so I can tell you to your face.
Yours now and always,
Lena
Kara is sobbing now. She cannot even begin to process what she has just read. How had she missed this? She knew Lena flirted with her. She is oblivious, but she isn’t stupid. She just chalked that up to Lena being, well, Lena . She is quite charming and always a bit flirty. Lena loves her. She’s in love with Kara. Now she’s not here for Kara to tell her that she feels the same way.
She has to do something.
She picks up her notebook and grabs her journal from her bedside drawer. The blonde knows she won’t be able to give a letter to Lena tonight, but she knows she has to respond. Screw being tired, she has some feelings to return. Tomorrow, she will fly to wherever Lena may be and leave her a letter.
Maybe this is the beginning of saying all the things that need to be said. The beginning of something even better than before.
For the first time in a very long time, Kara feels…Hope.