Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

One morning, Lan Wangji receives a letter in the post. His brother left it on the coffee table for him, reminding him to check it because it seemed urgent. 

Lan Wangji has to get to school early because he is a member of the student council and he needs to be there before the students come in so that he can do spot checks on their uniforms. 

So, he shoves the letter in his bag and makes his way to school. He’ll read it later.

It’s raining on the way to school so the morning assembly is canceled and they have homeroom instead. Lan Wangji places his bag in the classroom and heads to the front of the school again for his morning patrol.

The students mostly come running into the school trying to avoid getting wet in the rain for too long. Lan Wangji is a little more lenient on rainy days because everyone’s uniform is a little roughed up. He’ll get the student council members to do a spot check later during recess. 

When the bell rings and the gates shut, Lan Wangji makes his way back into his classroom for homeroom. Their homeroom teacher, Mr Yao, is not there yet so Lan Wangji reaches into his bag and starts opening the envelope.

It’s a thick stack of letters. At first glance, it looks like a diary with dates written at the top and strangely in his own handwriting. 

08 September: Today, I went to school early for morning patrol. It was raining heavily so we had homeroom instead.

Wait, 8 September? Wasn’t that today’s date? 

He doesn’t get much time to finish his thoughts when Mr Yao enters the classroom and the class monitor calls everyone to attention. 

They greet Mr Yao and get back into their seats. 

The letter continues:

At homeroom, Mr Yao introduces our new classmate. His name is Wei Wuxian. 

“We have a new friend joining us today.” Lan Wangji looks up from the letter to see Mr Yao motion for a student to come into the classroom. 

In walks a young man with appearances that spell trouble for Lan Wangji.

His hair is tossed into a high ponytail with a red ribbon - the hair length is allowed but not the ribbon. The student’s shirt is half-tucked which Lan Wangji is going to need to lecture him about. He is wearing ankle socks which is also not how a model student should look like.

And yet, he has the kindest eyes that Lan Wangji has ever seen. 

The boy smiles and Lan Wangji finds himself catching his breath,

“Hi everyone, I am Wei Wuxian and I look forward to getting along with all of you!” 

This must be a practical joke.

Lan Wangji’s eyes shoot down to read the letter again. 

Mr Yao introduces our new classmate. His name is Wei Wuxian.

Unbelievable. 

He sits next to me. 

“Wei Wuxian, take a seat next to Lan Wangji. It’s the only table that’s empty on the right at the back.” 

No way.

Lan Wangji watches as Wei Wuxian makes his way toward him and dumps his bag next to the table while grabbing a seat. Wei Wuxian turns to Lan Wangji and grins, “Hi! I’m Wei Wuxian but you can call me Wei Ying!”

Wei Wuxian grabs onto Lan Wangji’s hand before he can even reciprocate the handshake himself.

Lan Wangji is stunned first.

And then sparks run through his body from the contact.

Lan Wangji looks at the wide grin. 

Heat starts to rush to his ears and his heart starts thundering against his chest.

He's enchanted.

Morning classes go by and recess comes along. Lan Wangji carries out the spot check on the uniforms as planned. 

Wei Wuxian laughs as he is told that he needs to tuck in his shirt fully and that he needs to get new socks. 

“Lan Zhan! Don’t be so rigid. It’s just a uniform.” Wei Ying singsongs. 

Lan Wangji does not know how Wei Wuxian knows his name and he does not remember allowing Wei Wuxian to call him that.

“Lack of diligence in following the rules shows lack of discipline.” Lan Wangji mutters as he returns to his chair.

Nie Huaisang, who sits in front of Wei Wuxian, turns around and comments, “Wei Wuxian, you are so daring! It’s your first day and you’re already making trouble. You and I will surely get along! Let’s be friends.” 

Wei Wuxian responds with another grin which Lan Wangji catches himself staring at, “Sure!” 

Lan Wangji then reminds himself that eavesdropping is bad but he cannot help but overhear Nie Huaisang asking Wei Wuxian how he knows Lan Wangji’s name. Wei Wuxian snickers and said he took a peek at Lan Wangji’s textbooks which has his name labels on them. 

“Shameless.” Lan Wangji thinks to himself. 

Instead, he directs his attention to the letter again.

Mr Yao asks me to show Wei Wuxian around the school after lunch. Wei Wuxian makes an excuse about why he cannot make it. Mr Yao insists that it is important for him to acquaint himself with the school premises.

*Please, let Wei Wuxian go home that day.

What?

Lan Wangji wants to continue reading the letter but decides it’s not a good idea to do so during school hours. He can do it when he returns home. 

Why should he let Wei Wuxian skip out on the school tour if it is requested by a teacher? There shouldn’t be any exceptions.

Maybe this was a joke after all.

Maybe Wei Wuxian sent this letter to him so that he can skip out on school events, confusing him altogether.

The bell rings and it is now lunchtime. They do not have any afternoon classes today. 

Mr Yao calls Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian to the front.

“Lan Wangji, please show Wei Wuxian around the school today. This will lessen the likelihood of him getting lost and being late for classes.” Mr Yao instructs.

Lan Wangji nods, still perplexed by the whole situation.

“Ahh, Yao-laoshi, not today. Can I please check the school out tomorrow instead? I need to go home for something important.” 

This stuns Lan Wangji. Everything is going by the letter.

“What can be more important than your education?” Mr Yao makes his stance clear.

*Please, let Wei Wuxian go home that day.

What was up with that request? Was he supposed to heed it? What if it was just a prank?

“I’m not sure I can this afternoon…” Wei Wuxian mumbles and Lan Wangji does not miss the fear laced in his reply. 

“Maybe we can get him in tomorrow morning for a school tour instead. That way he will surely be on time for school.” Lan Wangji relents and Wei Wuxian looks up at him a little surprised.

After a few moments, Mr Yao agrees to the compromise and eyes Lan Wangji oddly, wondering what has come over his most obedient student. 

They head back to their seats and start packing up their bags. 

A red ribbon lands on Lan Wangji’s table which confuses him. He looks over to Wei Wuxian who is looking at him with the same big grin as before. 

“Thanks for getting me out of that today. My ribbon, as thanks.” 

Lan Wangji looks at the red ribbon, unsure of what to make of it. “We are not allowed to have ribbons in our hair at school.”

“I know! That’s why I”m giving it to you. Take care of it, it’s one of my most precious items!” Wei Wuxian chuckles, “see you in the morning, Lan Wangji!”

Wei Wuxian grabs his bag and starts running out of the classroom.

Lan Wangji almost says, “No running in the hallway.” But his eyes remain on the ribbon.

Such a silly gift.

Lan Wangji gets home and heads to his room so he can start reading the rest of the letter.

Mr Yao asks me to show Wei Wuxian around the school after lunch. Wei Wuxian makes an excuse about why he cannot make it. Mr Yao insists that it is important for him to acquaint himself with the school premises.

*Please, let Wei Wuxian go home that day.

He flips the page.

I only found out after the accident that Wei Wuxian got beat up by his foster mother that day for not returning home on time after school. 

He was supposed to visit his sister in the hospital.

His sister died that day.

Wei Wuxian never stopped blaming himself after that incident.

Lan Wangji’s eyes widen at the next bit.

5 years later, Wei Wuxian is no longer with us.

Every day, I blame myself for what happened over the last few years.

I don’t know when we will get this chance again.

So please, save Wei Wuxian.

Don’t let him wallow in his hurt all by himself. 

Lan Wangji stares at the last few sentences. It’s only when the tears fall onto the page that he registers that he is crying.

Wei Wuxian dies…? 

Lan Wangji wipes his tears and takes a breath. 

How can he feel so grieved for someone he doesn’t even know? 

He reaches into his bag and pulls out the red ribbon.

Just want on earth is he supposed to be doing with all these things?

Part of him wants to believe that this is a practical joke. That someone hazarded a lucky guess as to how things were going to go today, that they knew Wei Wuxian was transferring to Lan Wangji’s school.

But the handwriting is uncanny. It’s exactly like Lan Wangji’s writing.

Letter for letter.

Dare he read more? 

Lan Wangji doesn’t. He opens the first drawer on his table and places the letter in there and locks it.

Wei Wuxian doesn’t come for the school tour as promised and Lan Wangji is seething.

Lan Wangji thinks he’s been had.

Lan Wangji goes through the motions of the day: morning patrol, lessons, recess patrol, afternoon classes, track and field.

Wei Wuxian did not bother attending classes that day as well which Lan Wangji is thankful for. He manages to get through the day without thinking about Wei Wuxian except for when he unconsciously looks at the empty desk on his left. 

The next day, Wei Wuxian is not in school again.

Mr Yao announces that there has been a death in the family.

Lan Wangji is stunned.

No way. 

When Lan Wangji gets home, he pulls out the letter from the drawer and stares at it.

After a moment of meditation to calm his heart, he opens and looks at the next page.

15 September: Wei Wuxian returns to school after a week.

A week?

He pretends that everything is okay but I caught him tearing up during recess. I did nothing about it and walked away, pretending that nothing was wrong.

Back then, I was being silly. I hated it when people could see me cry so I turned my eyes away from Wei Wuxian. 

But Wei Wuxian never cried after that ever again. 

Now I know it’s because he thinks that nobody cares when he shows his emotions.

*Please, don’t let Wei Wuxian cry by himself. He needs to know that it is okay to hurt. Please don’t ignore his tears.

Lan Wangji doesn’t know what or how to think. He’s always been slightly awkward when it comes to expressing his feelings except for his anger. 

Now he is stumped with the task of comforting Wei Wuxian who he doesn’t even know that well. 

Part of him feels like this could still be a very elaborate prank.

But if the Lan Wangji 5 years from now is still drowning in sorrow and regret, so much that he searched for the most ludicrous way of sending a letter to the Lan Wangji of today, then Wei Wuxian must have meant a lot to Lan Wangji then.

A death in the family…

Lan Wangji tries to put himself in Wei Wuxian’s shoes. He doesn’t know how close Wei Wuxian was to his sister but if it was anything like how Lan Wangji is with his brother then Wei Wuxian must be in a world of hurt now.

Losing a pillar in your life who’s been there every single day since you were born…

Lan Wangji cannot bear it.

What would someone in that position like to hear?

Maybe he should ask Lan Xichen. 

Wei Wuxian returns to school exactly a week after his first day just like the letter predicted. 

As soon as Wei Wuxian enters the classroom, Lan Wangji’s eye is on him. He watches as Nie Huaisang expresses his condolences to Wei Wuxian which Wei Wuxian accepts with a sad smile. 

When Wei Wuxian is done putting down his things and taking out the textbooks needed for the next lesson, he turns to Lan Wangji and says:

“Sorry for not showing up for the school tour, Lan Zhan. Can we do it after school today?” 

Lan Wangji feels slightly angered at the fact that Wei Wuxian is apologizing even though it’s not his fault, when he is the one in pain.

“No sorry is needed. I can do the tour today if you like or tomorrow if that’s better.” 

“Today’s fine. I have nothing after school.” 

Classes start and the whole time Lan Wangji tries to be as considerate as he can to Wei Wuxian. 

Lan Wangji explains the concepts from classes Wei Wuxian has missed in between periods. When Wei Wuxian doesn’t have a highlighter, Lan Wangji readily loans him one. 

Recess comes around but unlike what the letter says, Wei Wuxian sheds no tears. Instead, he is chatting up a storm with Nie Huaisang and another classmate, Wen Ning. 

That brings relief to Lan Wangji because he’s still not sure what he’s going to say if Wei Wuxian cries. 

Lan Xichen was out late the last few nights cramming for exams in college and has looked bone-tired every time he gets home. Lan Wangji doesn’t have the heart to disturb his brother in such an important time of his life. 

Lessons finally end and it’s time for the school tour. 

This, he can do. He’s done the school tour for others a dozen times.

He brings Wei Wuxian around the school - the labs, the assembly hall, the courtyard, and finally the fields. 

“Can we sit for a bit?” Wei Wuxian asks as they reach the bleachers. 

Lan Wangji nods and they shuffle onto the benches. 

The soccer team had just finished their warm-ups and were starting practice with dribbles and such. 

Wei Wuxian looks at them fondly and says, “Are tryouts over for clubs?” 

Lan Wangji follows his gaze and replies, “Not if you are a transfer student.” After a while he adds, “Do you want to join the soccer club?”

Wei Wuxian nods, “I’ve always wanted that but Yu-ayi never allowed it. But now…”

Lan Wangji looks at him quizzically and incites a further response from the boy, “I moved out over the last week. Or more like I was thrown out haha but hey, I’ve got a place now and I don’t have to look after the shop anymore.”

Wei Wuxian is trying to pass his predicament as a joke but Lan Wangji picks up on every note of pain in his sentences. 

Wei Wuxian must have seen the confused look on Lan Wangji’s face so he changes the topic, “What clubs do you belong to, Lan Zhan?”

Lan Wangji tells him that he is in track and field, as well as the concert band. 

“What?! And you’re even on the student council? Are you a genius?!”

Not a genius, Lan Wangji thinks, just doing everything that is expected for a Lan.

“What do you play? Can you play for me?”

Lan Wangji has only been asked to play the piano for his brother and his uncle, never for anyone else. He’s not being arrogant but anyone who has heard him has said he is very good.

Lan Wangji doesn’t respond to the question but simply says, “Come with me.”

They head to the music room on the fifth floor. 

Lan Wangji doesn’t say anything, just sits down and starts playing the piece from his last recital. 

He’s not sure why he even agreed. 

He doesn’t think he’ll say yes just because anyone asked him to play.

Maybe it’s because he can sense that Wei Wuxian is sad.

That beneath the playfulness in his voice from earlier, there is deep sorrow and grief.

At the end of his playing, he looks up and Wei Wuxian is in tears. 

Oh no. 

Lan Wangji gets up from his chair so that he is at eye level with Wei Wuxian. Wei Wuxian continues to sob.

“Sorry! It’s just…” Wei Wuxian sniffs, “My jie-jie used to play the piano for me, and now…”

Wei Wuxian tries to stop his tears but they won’t stop falling. It’s the kind of crying where there’s a know in your throat that you can’t swallow and it hurts when you try to speak. It’s the kind of crying where each tear is laced with so much grief and pain that it hurts to cry. It’s the kind of crying that is spontaneous and hits you out of nowhere like a hurricane. 

Lan Wangji is familiar with that kind of crying.

He cried like that when his mama passed away.

Sometimes, when he misses her, he cries like that too.

Wei Wuxian continues to wipe the tears away from his face, apologizing as he does - for being a mess, for suddenly crying, for inconveniencing Lan Wangji - 

Lan Wangji grabs Wei Wuxian’s hand and he stops talking.

He pulls Wei Wuxian down to sit on the floor, their backs to the wall. Still holding Wei Wuxian’s hand, Lan Wanji says, “It’s okay to cry.”

Wei Wuxian’s eyes, still red from the previous time, starts welling up as he breaks into another sob.

Lan Wangji tightens his hold on Wei Wuxian’s hand, “It’s okay to miss her.”

Wei Wuxian continues to weep and Lan Wangji wonders what on earth he is doing.

He was never one for physical contact but right now, at this moment, this felt like the right thing to do.

His ears are burning from his actions but the discomfort from the situation is drowned up by Wei Wuxian’s wails. 

Lan Wangji still doesn’t know what to say.

But he knows he just wants to be here with Wei Wuxian in this moment, hands intertwined. 

A good amount of time passes before Wei Wuxian regains his composure to speak.

“Sor-” Lan Wangji squeezes his hand, clearly showing his displeasure for that word. “Thank you, for letting me cry.” 

“No thanks needed.” Lan Wanji mutters. He relaxes his hold on Wei Wuxian’s hand, fully intending to let go when Wei Wuxian tightens his grip, his face filled with panic because he wasn’t ready to let go.

Lan Wangji’s heart starts to race as he sits there, back against the wall, Wei Wuxian pressed on his side with his left hand encased in Wei Wuxian’s vice grip. 

He prays Wei Wuxian doesn’t hear the thundering of his heart against his chest.

“Lan Zhan… I promise I’ll try not to cry again but can you play that piece for me again next time?”

Lan Wangji raises his eyebrow. It’s not a special piece or anything - it’s a piece anyone who’s learned the piano would play after Grade 8. 

“My jie-jie played that piece often for me.” Wei Wuxian looks down, avoiding Lan Wangji’s gaze. 

“Okay.” Lan Wangji agrees readily when he hears Wei Wuxian’s reason why. “Anytime you want.”

“Really, Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian is surprised. “What if I ask you to play it every day?”

“Wei Wuxian, I will play it every day for you if that's what you want.” Lan Wangji replies sincerely.

Wei Wuxian finally laughs, genuinely this time. He shakes his head,

They fall into a rhythm. 

Whenever Wei Wuxian is sad, he tugs Lan Wangji on the sleeves and he immediately understands. 

He takes Wei Wuxian up to the music room, Room 509, and starts playing for him. 

Wei Wuxian often ends up crying and Lan Wangji ends up holding his hand while they sit on the floor talking about anything.

But they never ever talk about this - this ritual they have where Lan Wangji plays for Wei Wuxian and holds his hands when he cries. 

Lan Wangji is not much of a conversationalist but he is a very good listener. 

Wei Wuxian can talk about anything under the sun and Lan Wangji would listen to him forever.

He wants to listen to Wei Wuxian forever, he realizes. 

A week goes by and they still don’t talk about it.

The next letter that Lan Wangji has is for tomorrow.

24 September: Wei Wuxian gets selected to join the soccer team. He didn’t join in the end because he was worried that he would make his foster mum angry. 

I could tell that he really wanted to. 

He smiles all the time when he is on the field during PE classes.

I really think this will make him happy. 

Lan Wangji knows what he needs to do. 

After doing his patrols and submitting the treasury report to the council, he makes his way to the bleachers. 

Lan Wangji has little interest in soccer but he wants to see Wei Wuxian play. The bleachers are far away from the field so he decides he should do some running around the tracks so he can be closer.

Wei Wuxian is the only one doing tryouts so he is easy to spot. 

Not that Lan Wangji would struggle picking Wei Wuxian out from the crowd anyway.

He wonders if the smile on Wei Wuxian’s face is the same smile from the past because if it is then Lan Wangji would hang the moon if it means Wei Wuxian would smile like that forever. 

Lan Wangji has seen Wei Wuxian’s soft smiles, has heard his laughter, and has seen him cry.

But he’s never seen this particular grin of his. 

Lan Wangji has trouble keeping himself on the right track because he finds himself veering toward the field just to be a little closer to Wei Wuxian.

Wei Wuxian seems to be acing every single test the football team has set for him.

Finally, after Wei Wuxian dribbles past a player and scores, the team congratulates him and invites him to join the soccer team. They tell him to come for their morning practice in two days' time. 

As Wei Wuxian is packing his stuff on the bleachers and getting ready to leave, Lan Wangji jogs up to him. 

“Lan Zhan! Guess what, I got in the team!” Wei Wuxian excitedly explains. 

“Mn. Of course you got in. I saw you.”

“Really, you were watching?!”

“You were really good.”  

Lan Wangji might not know if there’s anything he can actually do to change Wei Wuxian’s fate of the past but he knows that the Lan Wangji of the past deeply regrets not conveying any sort of his feelings to Wei Wuxian.

He’s not going to make the same mistake again.

“Lan Zhan! You can’t just say things like that so easily!” Wei Wuxian hits him playfully.

“Why? If you are good then you are good. No need to play it down.” Lan Wangji replies as he also grabs his belongings, intending to leave together with Wei Wuxian. 

Wei Wuxian squeezes his eyes and shakes his head, red from embarrassment which Lan Wangji cannot understand before grabbing his things to go as well. 

“Are you going to join the team?” Lan Wangji asks as they make their way to the gate.

“I really want to… But Yu-furen won’t be happy…” 

Lan Wangji doesn’t know who Yu-furen is but from the letters he has read he assumes that she is Wei Wuxian’s foster mother. 

“My brother also plays football in another school, she’s going to think I’m deliberately trying to start a fight in the family.” Wei Wuxian continues explaining.

The grin is gone. 

And that makes Lan Wangji feel anguished. 

Every time Wei Wuxian talks about his foster family… It’s never happy memories unless it’s about his sister. 

Lan Wangji hates that for Wei Wuxian.

“But you moved away.” Lan Wangji reminds him.

Lan Wangji needs to remind Wei Wuxian that he isn’t trapped. That he has taken action to get away from this part of his life, even if this part is deeply tangled with the memory of his beloved sister.

“That’s true.” Wei Wuxian nods and starts to consider the idea but just as quickly comes up with an excuse, “they have practice way too early in the morning.”

“7AM is not early.” Lan Wangji remarks which earns a scoff from Wei Wuxian.

“That’s because you wake up at 5AM, Lan Zhan!” 

“I’ll wake you up for practice.” Lan Wangji nonchalantly responds.

Wei Wuxian’s eyebrow twitches, trying to work out if Lan Wangji means it or not. “Seriously?”

Lan Wangji hums in reply and also in disbelief, like he would ever suggest something he does not plan on following through. 

“What, like a wake-up call?”

They reach the intersection where they normally part ways. Lan Wangji turns to face Wei Wuxian, “You can either pick up your phone when I call you at 6 AM,” Lan Wangji pauses, and then after being sure about the next part, “or I will come over to yours at 6.30AM.” 

Lan Wangji turns and starts making his way home leaving a stunned Wei Wuxian gaping at him on the street. 

As it turns out, Wei Wuxian does not pick up his phone at 6 AM.

So Lan Wangji is at his door at 6.30AM calling for Wei Wuxian to get up so they can head to school.

This happens every time Wei Wuxian has football practice.

And soon it becomes their routine even on days when Wei Wuxian does not have practice.

Wei Wuxian goes to school to accompany Lan Wangji in his other duties, often sleeping in the classroom when he’s not on the field.

They do not talk about it.

Lan Wangji does not know what to make of this again. 

There is something that is bothering Lan Wangji. 

He notices on the days when he watches Wei Wuxian at football practice.

Someone else is watching him too.

Cheering from the sidelines.

Even bold enough to approach him with a towel and bottle of water after practice.

And Lan Wangji cannot do anything about it because he is supposed to be concentrating on his next track meet. He is almost tempted to skip practices so he does not have to see interactions between Wei Wuxian and this individual.

Lan Wangji is on the student council but he has paid little attention to people outside of his class. So he has no clue who this person is.

And Wei Wuxian doesn’t talk about him either. 

Whoever this person is, Lan Wangji doesn’t feel positive feelings toward them.

There’s an ache in his chest that’s never been there before. It only ever comes up when Wei Wuxian is speaking to that person.

There’s something else nagging in his chest. 

Lan Wangji is anxious because of what the next letter brings:

28 October: Wei Ying asks me if he should go out with a senior at school. I told him he should do whatever he likes. 

That’s when I found out about my feelings toward Wei Ying.

And that it was too late.

Lan Wangji still thinks that Wei Wuxian has the right to do whatever he likes. But Lan Wangji knows that he would very much like it if Wei Wuxian does not go out with that person.

Lan Wangji is no fool.

He already knows that he is in love with Wei Wuxian. He doesn’t have to wait till 28 October to figure out his feelings.

He’s certain that the person in the letter is the same person on the bleachers.

He knows his answer if Wei Wuxian should ask his opinion.

He’ll be ready this time. 

But just in case this might prevent Wei Wuxian from being happy in the future, Lan Wangji reads the letters that come after.

4 November: I am very worried about Wei Ying these days. He’s coming to school with bruises on his arms. 

I’ve asked him where the bruises are from but he’s not willing to say. 

I asked him if he was happy in his relationship but there was a moment of hesitation before he says that he is. 

I wish I told him how I felt. 

*Please get him out of his relationship. He is not okay. It’s where he gets his bruises from. 

Lan Wangji finally lets go of the breath he was holding in. 

There’s no way he’s letting Wei Wuxian get into that relationship. 

He cannot imagine how the Lan Wangji from the past must have felt seeing the person he was in love with getting abused and only realizing it so late. Too late.

And because Lan Wangji feels especially courageous today from realizing his feelings, he continues to read on.

11 November: Wei Ying broke off his relationship today. They had a big squabble in the corridor and I had to help intervene. 

Wei Ying told me that he is sorry for lying. He wasn’t happy at all.

He asked me why people who are supposed to love him can turn on him and treat him like a doormat so quickly. 

I wanted to tell him that I love him and that if he let me, I would treat him right. He’d be my equal and he will be treasured.

But if I said that, it would have been too patronizing. He would ask why I didn’t say those things earlier.

He wouldn’t have believed me.

Lan Wangji wants to curse the fool that was him however many years ago. But even he is not so arrogant to think that the Lan Wangji today is any better just because he has the gift of hindsight literally written out for him. 

At 18, Lan Wangji is intimately aware of what kind of man he is and he is not foolish enough to think that he wouldn’t have made the same choices even without the letter’s guidance.

Lan Wangji thanks the him from the past and is very sorry that he had to go through losing Wei Wuxian. If Lan Wangji loses Wei Wuxian now, he knows that he will break.

So, Lan Wangji waits for 28 October to come.

He goes to pick Wei Wuxian up for football practice. They go through the motions - practice, lessons, lunch.

But Wei Wuxian doesn’t say anything.

The next day, Wei Wuxian comes to school with him for Lan Wangji’s duties.

Still nothing.

Lan Wangji is puzzled so he goes over the letters again. 

Their current lives are diverging from the letter.

He is relieved because it’s a gentle assurance that his actions - openly caring for Wei Wuxian are not in vain. 

Yet Lan Wangji is terrified.

If he is diverging from the letter, then the Lan Wangji from the past cannot guide his actions anymore. What if he runs into a situation where the letter cannot guide him? 

He quickly tries to reassure himself that though things are changing, Wei Wuxian seems happy.

In the last two months, Lan Wangji has strived to provide Wei Wuxian with a safe outlet for his emotions - room 509 - and to encourage Wei Wuxian to make decisions that make himselfw happy - joining and making him attend football practices, reinforcing that moving out was the right decision, picking up the flute again.

It’s a slow process but if things are moving in a different direction, then it doesn’t mean that Lan Wangji is doing it wrong. 

He decides he’s not going to look at the letters for the time being.

After all, the letter did not request that Lan Wangji play the piano for Wei Wuxian nor did it request Lan Wangji to pick Wei Wuxian up for football practice. 

Lan Wangji realizes that he just needs to act on his love and care for Wei Wuxian genuinely and that will speak for itself.

Wei Wuxian makes a request for Lan Wangji to play the next day - something he hasn’t asked for in some time.

When Lan Wangji started playing for Wei Wuxian to comfort him, they would go to the music room every other day. 

Lan Wangji had assured Wei Wuxian that it really was no bother and the room was normally only ever used by Lan Wangji after school anyway.

Then Wei Wuxian would ask for him to play twice a week and eventually once a week.

Lan Wangji tries to think hard about what could have happened that made Wei Wuxian feel down.

He can’t consult the letter because there’s nothing written other than the fact that Wei Wuxian entered an abusive relationship.

Maybe Wei Wuxian entered the relationship after all and didn’t tell Lan Wangji?

But whatever the reason, Lan Wangji is happy to play. 

Even if the relief is short-lived, he wants to be able to share in Wei Wuxian’s grief. 

Lan Wangji of all people knows that grief isn’t something that disappears with a snap of a finger. It follows you around and can get loud quickly and all of a sudden - both in the silence and the noise. 

You can be going your merry way in life and grief can pull the carpet under your feet just like that - meeting someone related, smelling a particular scent, eating a certain food; they can all remind us of someone we have lost.

Lan Wangji finishes the piece and as he prepares to close the cover on the grand piano, Wei Wuxian grabs Lan Wangji’s hand. 

“Wait.” 

Lan Wangji turns to face Wei Wuxian, perplexed.

“Play me something else?” 

Something else? 

It’s the first time Wei Wuxian has requested a different piece. 

Every time Lan Wangji has played the same thing since day one because it reminded Wei Wuxian of his sister. 

What other piece did Wei Wuxian want him to play?

“Do you have something in mind?”

“Anything.”

Anything might as well have been nothing. It’s not really an answer.

But Lan Wangji knows something he wants to play. 

It’s something he wrote himself.

He slowly retrieves his hand from Wei Wuxian, checking first if he has started to tear up. 

Surprisingly, Wei Wuxian's face is dry.

Lan Wangji takes a breath.

Like the other piece, he knows this one by heart.

He’s been practicing this piece every day since he wrote it.

Since he started walking Wei Wuxian to school every day.

He doesn’t dare to look at Wei Wuxian so he focuses on his hand movements as they drifted across the piano fluidly.

As expected, he is nervous. He’s not played this for anyone before.

At home, he’s played it with the earpiece plugged in so that no one else steal this melody from him. 

The only person he wanted to share this with was Wei Wuxian.

As the piece comes to a close, Lan Wangji waits with bated breath, wondering what Wei Wuxian thinks about it all.

He turns his eyes to Wei Wuxian.

Wei Wuxian is in tears.

But it’s different this time. 

They aren’t sad tears. Lan Wangji is too familiar with them.

He hates them with a passion but welcomes them all the same.

“That was beautiful.” Wei Wuxian grabs Lan Wangji’s hand again - like they’ve done so many times, in the same room.

They move to their spot on the floor, backs against the wall, hands clasped together. 

Except, this time they don’t say anything.

They don’t say anything for a long time. 

Lan Wangji’s mind is in disarray; there is no letter to guide him on what to do next, no Lan Xichen to instruct him.

They’ve acted this sequence out before. 

But this feels different somehow.

Lan Wangji knows what he is supposed to do but the only thing he really wants to do now is to kiss Wei Wuxian.

He desperately tries to nudge that thought away - it’s not right.

Wei Wuxian was upset about something initially after all. He shouldn’t be having such thoughts toward Wei Wuxian when he is vulnerable.

So Lan Wangji schools his features till serene as much as he can but his ears still burn like a wood stove. 

It doesn’t matter because none of them are looking at each other anyway. 

Wei Wuxian is the first to break the silence: “I’ve never heard that piece before, did you write it yourself?”

Lan Wangji can only nod but then he realizes that Wei Wuxian is not looking at him.

“Mn.”

Lan Wangji feels a squeeze on his palm.

“It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.” 

He squeezes back.

They finally look at each other.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian begins, “it’s my birthday tomorrow.”

Lan Wangji knows this. He’s prepared a gift already. It’s sneaky but he found out about it when he was helping to collate the administrative papers for Mr Yao.

“I want you to come with me somewhere after school. Please?”

It doesn’t have to be Wei Wuxian’s birthday. 

Lan Wangji would go anywhere with him. 

Chapter Text

For some reason, Lan Wangji is unable to sleep the night before Wei Wuxian’s birthday.

He tosses and turns but sleep does not claim him like it normally does at 9PM.

So he goes into the living room to nurse himself with a cup of tea.

Lan Xichen has just come home after a full day at the library, haggard again but he is keen for conversation with his younger brother.

“Wangji, what’s keeping you awake?” Lan Xichen asks as he sets down his bags and starts taking out his lunchbox and tumblers to clean.

Lan Wangji pauses for a moment, unsure of how much he should reveal.

Not that he’s been able to hide anything from his brother anyway.

Before Lan Wangji can answer, Lan Xichen rephrases his question, “Who’s keeping you up?”

Lan Wangji can sense the knowing smile on Lan Xichen’s face and Lan Xichen isn’t even facing him. He’s merrily doing his dishes.

“There’s someone I’m worried about.” Lan Wangji starts.

Lan Xichen hums and urges him to carry on.

“If I’m not careful, I think I might lose him.”

Lan Xichen gives his full attention to his brother now.

“Wangji… Is he hurting himself?” Lan Xichen tries to phrase his question tactfully.

Lan Wangji gulps at the question - it’s all he’s been thinking about since he read the final letter.

07 December

> Wei Wuxian took his life today.
> His brother went to look for him and all he found was Wei Wuxian’s body.
> I wish I told him all those things sooner.
> I wish I knew he was hurting.
> I wish I could have saved him.

“He’s hurt. And I want it to stop.”

Lan Xichen wipes his hands dry from the washing and reaches out for his brother’s hand.

“I’m sorry,” Lan Xichen says sincerely, “that can’t be easy.”

Lan Wangji nods, it really isn’t.

He loves Wei Wuxian. He hopes that he’s done enough to make Wei Wuxian hurt less.

“Wangji, you and I were raised to not impose on other people.” Lan Xichen pauses, waiting for Lan Wangji to look at him, “It might not save him but maybe you should tell him how you feel.”

Lan Xichen feels the grip from his brother tighten.

Lan Xichen has been busy with college but he is not blind.

Lan Wangji is by no means expressive but Lan Xichen has known him forever so he knows when his brother is fretting over something.

Lan Xichen has noticed that they have one less lunchbox in the cabinets; he’s noticed their expenses on groceries have gone up but the amount of food in the house is the same; he’s noticed Lan Wangji at the piano with his headphones plugged in.

For the first time, his brother has found someone he wants to protect.

At the same time, Lan Xichen knows how his brother can be with things he wants.

Their uncle have brought them up strictly - do not be frivolous; do not covet; do not act without restraint.

Most of the rules make sense, most of the time.

But Lan Xichen is aware of the agony that runs through Lan Wangji when he is denied something he desires. 

Like when their uncle enforced that Lan Wangji would be learning the piano and not the violin - Lan Wangji was really young then but Lan Xichen recognised the wince on Lan Wangji’s face as the decision was made for him.

Or when his uncle had said that they definitely could not keep pet rabbits.

But Lan Wangji - he does not say anything about what he wants, he just nods in ascent and carries on in rejection.

Yet Lan Xichen knows he probably still hurts all the same. 

“You don’t have to say it if you don’t want to or if you think it’ll make things worse.” Lan Xichen gives a gentle pat on his brother’s shoulder, “but sometimes people just want to know that they aren’t alone.”

The next day passes in a blur. 

Lunchtime comes around and Wei Wuxian gets the lunchbox of his dreams - all the spicy dishes he enjoys and even a small cake. 

“Lan Zhan, you are too good to me.” Wei Wuxian smiles cheerily as he relishes Lan Wangji’s handiwork. 

Lan Wangji can only smile in reply and say, “Happy Birthday, Wei Ying.”

He still doesn’t know what he’s going to do today. Wei Wuxian has not given any clues about where they are going after school but Lan Wangji is planning to accompany him wherever it is they are going. 

When lessons end, Wei Wuxian seems to be in a hurry to get out of class but to his dismay, Lan Wangji has to submit a report to the student council advisor before he can go.

He tells Wei Wuxian to wait for him outside by the school gates.

Lan Wangji would have submitted it during lunch but he was too distracted by Wei Wuxian praising his food and Lan Wangji just wanted the time to sit and keep Wei Wuxian company over a meal.

As Lan Wangji approaches the school gates, he can hear voices and the topic causes him to slow down.

“Wei Wuxian, are you waiting for your boyfriend to come pick you up?” 

“No… I’m waiting for a friend!” 

“Are you sure he’s not your boyfriend?” The same voice teases and it angers Lan Wangji for some reason.

“Yeah, I heard from Wen Chao that you rejected him because there’s someone else!”

Someone else…? Lan Wangji’s heart pounds.

And then-

“It’s not like that between me and Lan Zhan!” 

Lan Wangji gulps.

They’re friends.

Friends who cheer each other up when they are down. Friends who hold each other’s hands. Friends who walk each other to school and make lunches. 

Friends who have nothing more to do with each other than companionship.

Ah, he was mistaken.

Lan Wangji has never had a friend like that before which was why he was confused.

He can hear the people talking to Wei Wuxian scramble off now after Wei Wuxian’s denial but Lan Wangji cannot bring himself to move towards the gate.

He needs a minute to recalibrate.

Lan Wangji takes a breath and reminds himself that this day is not about him.

He can still be Wei Wuxian’s friend.

Wei Wuxian is still alive.

It’s fine.

He continues towards the gate and as Wei Wuxian spots him, he flashes the same grin that knocks the wind out of Lan Wangji.

Lan Wangji cannot help but smile gently back.

“Let’s go, Lan Zhan!” 

During the whole journey, Wei Wuxian doesn’t speak of where they are going. He just takes Lan Wangji’s arm and pulls him along.

And Lan Wangji lets him.

At the intersection where they normally part ways, Wei Wuxian takes Lan Wangji in an entirely different direction from either of their homes or school. 

They go past the park that Lan Wangji normally runs in during the weekends.

Soon, Lan Wangji gets an inkling of where they are going.

It’s a place he used to go to often when he misses his mother.

Lan Wangji wishes he had bought the flowers.

They’re paying respects after all.

Wei Wuxian leads the way to his sister’s tombstone.

“We’re here.” He tells Lan Wangji and proceeds to kneel before the tombstone.

Lan Wangji follows suit.

“Jie, I’ve come to see you. Sorry I haven’t been to visit.” 

Wei Wuxian is still firmly gripping Lan Wangji’s arm as they both kneel by the tombstone.

And Lan Wangji lets him.

“I haven’t had the courage to come see you since we put you to rest. Sorry for making you worry about your A-xian.”

Lan Wangji thinks about all the things Wei Wuxian has said about his sister and comes to the conclusion that she’s probably forgiven him already. She probably understands.

“I’ve been incredibly sad since you left and I miss you every day.”

Lan Wangji hears the cracks in Wei Wuxian’s voice and puts a reassuring hand over his.

And Wei Wuxian lets him.

“But! I brought someone with me today - come on, Lan Zhan, say hi to my sister!” A toothy grin emerges from Wei Wuxian’s face.

Lan Wangji gives a respectful bow and greets, “Hi Yanli-jie. It’s nice to meet you.” 

“Jie jie, you would have loved Lan Zhan! He takes really good care of me, his piano skills are out of this world and he might give you a run for your money on the cooking, except he’s not made your special lotus pork rib soup yet so I can’t judge!” 

Lan Wangji listens to Wei Wuxian ramble to his sister about him and feels a strange sense of peace in his heart.

It’s okay if he’s only Wei Wuxian’s friend.

He wasn’t doing all these things to be someone special to Wei Wuxian anyway.

All he wanted was to save Wei Wuxian from himself.

Wei Wuxian is now talking to his sister about what they do in school and hearing all that - it really does sound like Wei Wuxian isn’t taking his life for granted. 

He’s trying to live again.

And if Lan Wangji can be a part of making that happen, then Lan Wangji is fine being a friend by Wei Wuxian’s side.

“Anyway, Jie, I just wanted to show you that I am fine, that you don’t have to worry about me anymore. I wouldn’t do that again.”

Lan Wangji had been patiently listening to Wei Wuxian relay the last few months to his sister but the last comment made his eyes shoot up to Wei Wuxian.

But Wei Wuxian is simply reaching his hand out to dust the top of Jiang Yanli’s tombstone. 

Lan Wangji hovers between asking what Wei Wuxian meant and letting Wei Wuxian say goodbye.

He decides to keep quiet for now.

There will be time later.

They walk back to Wei Wuxian’s house in silence. 

Lan Wangji has never been inside Wei Wuxian’s new apartment, he’s only ever patiently waited outside, waiting for Wei Wuxian to get ready to head to school. 

This time, Wei Wuxian invites him in.

Lan Wangji hesitates at first and realises that he hasn’t given Wei Wuxian his birthday present so he agrees to go in.

Normally, the sight of a mess would irritate Lan Wangji but he is understanding of this predicament in Wei Wuxian’s home.

“Sorry for the mess Lan Zhan.” Wei Wuxian mumbles but he doesn’t look that apologetic which is amusing to Lan Wangji. 

“You moved out in a hurry, it’s fine.” He nods and takes a seat by the table.

Lan Wangji reaches into his bag and pulls out his gift to Wei Wuxian. 

“Happy Birthday, Wei Ying.” He nudges the box to Wei Wuxian who appears to be dumbfounded.

Wei Wuxian’s eyebrow twitches and then, “Lan Zhan! How dare you get me a gift? I can’t accept this.” 

He nudges the box back to Lan Wangji.

“Wei Ying deserves a gift on his birthday.”

Wei Wuxian is still furiously shaking his head.

“You deserve to be celebrated.” 

Wei Wuxian stops.

“I’m very happy that you are in my life.” 

Lan Wangji has never said more sincere words in his entire life.

He reaches out for Wei Wuxian’s hands and waits for Wei Wuxian to finally look up and make eye contact.

“I am so glad you came into my life.”

Unexpectedly, a tear starts to fall and Lan Wangji panics a little - Wei Wuxian always only ever cries because of his sister but now he is crying because of Lan Wangji - he pulls out his handkerchief and starts dabbing the tears off Wei Wuxian’s face.

“But you don’t know everything about me.”

“I don’t need to know everything about you to know that I hope you stay in my life forever.” 

Lan Wangi feels like he should be embarrassed saying things like that out loud.

But he’s not.

Why should he be embarrassed in telling someone the truth?

Wei Wuxian starts opening the box and when he sees what it is, his ability to form coherent words switches off.

In the box lies a flute crafted in black jade with red tassels dangling from a familiar red ribbon.

He examines the ribbon more carefully and realises that it’s the one he nonchalantly gifted Lan Wangji when the student council member had told him curtly that ribbons were not allowed in school. 

Wei Wuxian feels the flush on his face from Lan Wangji’s previous words deepen as he looks fondly at the ribbon. He had half expected Lan Wangji to chuck the ribbon in the bin instead of holding onto it.

He picks up the flute and sneaks a glance at Lan Wangji who is giving him an encouraging look to try the flute.

And he begins to play.

It’s a feeble attempt at the melody Lan Wangji had played for him the day before but very close.

The attempt at least, brings a soft smile on Lan Wangji’s face.

He hadn’t expected Wei Wuxian to have listened so closely when he played the tune.

Wei Wuxian’s attempt is not perfect but very thoughtful.

Lan Wangji will have to teach him. 

He composed the melody with a flute accompaniment after all.

When Wei Wuxian finishes playing, Lan Wangji takes it as his cue to leave soon. 

The sun was setting and Lan Xichen would be needing dinner tonight. 

But Wei Wuxian beats him to it.

Wei Wuxian’s hands grip Lan Wangji’s wrists - an action that Lan Wangji is familiar with - they’ve done this so many times.

The next part, he doesn’t expect.

“Don’t leave.” 

In Wei Wuxian’s eyes there are tears and there is also a hint of desperation -

mixed with fear of abandonment.

As if Lan Wangji could ever leave Wei Wuxian alone by himself.

However, the situation is starting to confuse Lan Wangji.

He had every intention of telling Wei Wuxian how he felt just like Lan Xichen advised the night before.

Especially if he thinks that Wei Wuxian feels the same way.

Lan Wangji believes that he can make Wei Wuixan happy. 

And Wei Wuxian does indeed seem happy with Lan Wangji.

Except now Lan Wangji is wondering if he is misunderstanding Wei Wuxian’s feelings for him for something else.

If Wei Wuxian is falling in love with Lan Wangji only because Lan Wangji has been there at every perfect moment of Wei Wuxian’s grief.

If Wei Wuxian only likes Lan Wangji because of the guilt he feels and the void that his sister left…

Then Lan Wangji does not want to vocalise how he feels for Wei Wuxian.

Because it’s only going to complicate their relationship. 

Wei Wuxian has so much on his plate right now. 

What he needs is a friend.

If Lan Wangji confesses, Wei Wuxian might feel complied to say yes. 

Because he’s lonely and he needs somebody.

Though that doesn’t mean that he needs Lan Wangji specifically.

For the first time, Lan Wangji finds himself upset that he followed the letter to a tee. 

He is grateful that it seems to be preserving Wei Wuxian’s life.

At the same time, the letter has single-handedly orchestrated the feelings that Lan Wangji suspects Wei Wuxian might feel.

It’s borderline manipulative.

He doesn’t want that.

Not from something as precious as his first love.

Lan Wangji could never live it down.

Even though he knows that he would continue to love Wei Wuxian regardless.

However, he does not want Wei Wuxian to feel like he should love Lan Wangji because Lan Wangji is there for him.

So, Lan Wangji stays with Wei Wuxian and inwardly, he resolves to push aside everything he feels for Wei Wuxian. 

He’ll lock his feelings away for now if it means he can remain by Wei Wuxian’s side with pure and unadulterated sincerity.

Just a little longer.

And if this stretches on to forever.

Maybe that’s okay.

Lan Wangji actually spends the night cleaning. 

It’s not the most polite thing to do in someone’s home but Wei Wuxian doesn’t seem to mind. Wei Wuxian even picks up the broom himself and cleans.

Lan Wangji would not have Wei Wuxian living in a dump anyway. 

Also, since Wei Wuxian pleaded with him not to leave, he’s been finding it really hard to say anything else.

So the cleaning helps to distract Lan Wangji from his thoughts.

Because what he can think of now - his thoughts about Wei Wuxian - he’d rather not have them.

It’s too painful.

Wei Wuxian asks what Lan Wangji normally does on a Friday night.

And the role model student replies that he usually starts on homework so that he can help around the house with chores on the weekend.

Wei Wuxian rolls his eyes at the response.

Lan Wangji allows it. It’s Wei Wuxian’s birthday after all.

“That’s boring, Lan Zhan!”

Wei Wuxian pouts and broods for a little while before suggesting: “I’m of age now, can we go get a drink?”

“I don’t drink”. 

“Yet!” 

Lan Wangji shakes his head firmly. Gods, they are eighteen. They should not be drinking.

“You can come with me, I’ll drink. You can watch.” Wei Wuxian argues.

Lan Wangji considers the proposition and decides that it is a fair one because he gets to keep his precepts and Wei Wuxian gets to do what he wants.

They can’t go into an actual bar because Lan Wangji is still in uniform and only has his tracks as a spare change of clothes. So, they settle for getting a can of beer from the convenience store.

It’s always amusing watching someone take a drink for the first time, not that Lan Wangji has ever witnessed this before in his life. 

He watches with amusement as Wei Wuxian’s face cringes when he takes the first sip of his alcoholic drink. The wrinkles on Wei Wuxian’s face slowly fade as he gets accustomed to the taste of alcohol.

At the end of it all, Wei Wuxian declares that he enjoys the taste, much to Lan Wangji’s dismay.

Lan Wangji has never had an alcoholic drink, not even when he first turned eighteen. 

His uncle has always been strict on rules of conduct - each time Lan Xichen and he entered a new phase in life, their uncle would seat them down and go through what was to be expected from them.

No alcohol was one of the easy ones to remember from his uncle’s list of unending regulations for a ‘successful life’.

Wei Wuxian opens up the second can that he purchased in anticipation of getting Lan Wangji to drink and nudges it in Lan Wangji’s direction. 

Lan Wangji firmly declines once more.

“Well, your loss Lan Zhan, this just means more for me.” Wei Wuxian replies with a sly grin - it’s a happy problem to have.

Wei Wuxian seems to relax under the influence of alcohol - there isn’t much in the drinks you can get from the convenience store but considering it’s his first time drinking, the alcohol seems to have a soothing effect on Wei Wuxian.

Lan Wangji looks at Wei Wuxian - his cheeks flushed from the drinking - and feels the stirrings in his heart.

And then fights with all the willpower to flush it away.

All he wants to do is tuck the stray hair behind Wei Wuxian’s ear and give him a peck on the cheek.

Tell him he’s beautiful.

And more.

So he swallows thickly and forces himself to think about other things. 

He remembers what Wei Wuxian said to his sister that afternoon.

“I promise I’ll never do that again.”

Lan Wangji is not a person who would take advantage of someone when they are vulnerable.

But something tells him that if he doesn’t ask now, Wei Wuxian will not be honest about it after.

It’s not like Wei Wuxian is drunk - he just seems more pliant with alcohol in his system.

If Wei Wuxian does not want to answer then Lan Wangji will not push him to.

He’s not going to force Wei Wuxian to do anything, ever.

Including answering questions he does not want to.

Lan Wangji takes a deep breath and starts, “Is this the first time you’ve been to see your sister’s grave?”

Wei Wuxian was about to take another sip of his drink and his hand jerked at the question.

“No,” he takes a sip, “I went almost every day in the first month she passed.” 

That was when Lan Wangji played for Wei Wuxian the most in the music room.

“I’m glad she got to meet you today, Lan Zhan. The both of you would have gotten on, I’m so sure of it.”

Lan Wangji smiles faintly at that comment. He doesn’t get on well with most people but if Jiang Yanli had doted on Wei Wuxian the way he described, Lan Wangji is also sure that they would have gotten along.

And because he cares so much for Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji knows that he has to ask the next question.

“What did you mean when you said you wouldn’t do it again?”

Silence hangs in the air.

Wei Wuxian stops drinking and forces himself to look ahead at the river in front of them.

Lan Wangji’s gaze is still fixed on Wei Wuxian. He’s trying to study Wei Wuxian’s expression so that even if he doesn’t answer, he’d be able to read what Wei Wuxian is feeling.

They’ve spent so much time together, Lan Wangji feels like he could write a book about Wei Wuxian. 

Wei Wuxian’s facial expression fluctuates between agony and grief - both of which pain Lan Wangji deeply.

But in knowing Wei Wuxian so well, Lan Wangji can tell that Wei Wuxian wants to tell him.

So Lan Wangji gives him space and time.

He turns to look towards the river as well, idly watching an old man setting up his fishing kit for the night.

After a period of silence, Wei Wuxian finally speaks up and Lan Wangji gives him his full attention.

“Lan Zhan, when you first played the piano for me, I was incredibly sad.” Wei Wuxian looks up to find Lan Wangji’s gaze - he doesn’t have to look for long because Lan Wangji’s eyes are already on him.

“But then you kept playing and it slowly made me happy.” Wei Wuxian gives him a small smile and starts picking at the grass. 

“It took a while pendulating from extremely sad to being happy. There was a lot of guilt.” He plucks a few strands of the grass and idly throws it to the side.

Lan Wangji understands.

It’s not easy speaking about things like this.

“In the time before I could be happy again, I did something silly.”

Wei Wuxian stops ripping up the greenery.

He inhales sharply, as though he knows that what he’s going to say next will hurt.

Not him but Lan Wangji.

“I tried to end my life.”

Lan Wangji can feel his insides twist and a wave of numbness washes over him.

Wei Wuxian picks up his drink again, hoping that the alcohol will help him gloss over the next part.

“I didn’t manage to do it.”

Lan Wangji is numb but he is so sure that his hands are shaking. 

He had thought about it when he read the letters - would Wei Ying have attempted to take his own life before he finally succeeded?

Bile starts to rise in his throat at the thought of losing Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji cannot bear it.

He forces himself to focus on the conversation - to focus on Wei Wuxian’s words and focus on the fact that Wei Wuxian is here.

He is alive.

And Lan Wangji is glad he’s listening properly because of what Wei Wuxian says next.

“I almost did.” There’s another pause.

“Then I thought of you.” Wei Wuxian’s eyes are now locked on Lan Wangji’s and Lan Wangji’s eyes widen as Wei Wuxian takes Lan Wangji’s hands into his.

The shaking stops.

“I thought to myself that Lan Zhan would be so sad if I died.” Wei Wuxian forces a laugh, “You played for me every day and sat by me while I cried myself dry.”

“It’s crazy, Lan Zhan. But you saved me.” Wei Wuxian smiles for real now because a light seems to sparkle in his eyes. 

“Today, when you said you were glad that I was alive… that made me so happy.”

You make me so happy, Lan Wangji almost blurts.

But he keeps his silence.

“I hope you stay in my life forever, too.” Wei Wuxian whispers.

The next day, Wei Wuxian has to get up early for his part-time job. 

It’s his birthday weekend but he still needs to work to keep himself afloat.

Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan are still paying for his school fees. But he is in charge of his own allowance. 

Lan Wangji, the perfect guest, gets up earlier than Wei Wuxian.

He cooks for Wei Wuxian with what little Wei Wuxian has in his fridge.

Even folds the mattress and bedding away when Wei Wuxian finally gets out of bed.

When they part ways, it doesn’t feel like anything is different.

Although everything is different for Lan Wangji right now.

The weekend passes quickly for Lan Wangji because today he has to complete both chores and homework on the same day. 

This is why he tries to finish his homework on a Friday but despite the reduced time, Lan Wangji finishes all his tasks with time to spare on Sunday.

Lan Xichen asks if he wants to go on a run and because Lan Wangji’s thoughts are in disarray, he agrees.

Momentarily, he forgets about Lan Xichen’s superpower to sniff out the slight misalignments in Lan Wangji’s life.

Until they return home and Lan Xichen nonchalantly goes,” So, how did things go with your… friend?” 

Lan Wangji almost chokes on his water. 

Lan Xichen chuckles.

He thinks it’s good news. It really isn’t.

“I didn’t tell him.” 

As usual, there’s no point hiding the truth from Lan Xichen.

“Oh Wangji, I’m sure you had your reasons.” His brother gives him an understanding look.

Lan Wangji can only nod.

“I don’t want him to return my feelings just because I’m there for him.”

Lan Xichen frowns and weighs his next words carefully. He knows that Lan Wangji takes what he says seriously and he doesn’t want to be careless.

At the same time, Lan Xichen is shamelessly biased because he knows who Lan Wangji is. Lan Wangji is someone who deserves to be loved outside the fact that he is loyal to the people he loves.

Lan Xichen knows that if Lan Wangji is content, he would hide his feelings forever.

Which is fine, except,

Lan Xichen believes his brother deserves to be happy.

“I love you Wangji and I’m sure you know what you’re doing. I say this with care but sometimes people hide their feelings behind excuses because they are afraid of letting others know how they feel.”

With that, Lan Xichen patted Lan Wangji on the shoulder and headed to the shower.

“Lan Wangji, come see me after class today.” Mr Yao requests as he wraps up homeroom. 

Lan Wangji responds respectfully with a “Yes, Mr Yao.”

Normally, if a student was called to see their teacher after school, it’s usually bad news. The call to meet normally preceded a scolding.

The students would break out in clamour, gossiping about what it could be about.

But this was Lan Wangji and so no one paid it any mind.

Except Wei Wuxian who was in one of his playful moods.

“Did our role model student do something to upset Mr Yao?” Wei Wuxian teases as he reaches for Lan Wangji’s stationery.

“Not that I can think of.” Lan Wangji replies seriously.

Wei Wuxian leans in and whispers into Lan Wangji’s ear, “did he catch you doing naughty things with a girl in some corner of the school?” 

The hairs on Lan Wangji’s arm stand and he cannot believe what Wei Wuxian is saying.

“Wei Ying, be serious.”

“When am I not serious? I just think the idea of being caught doing naughty things in school is… interesting.” 

“That’s forbidden.”

It is forbidden, but I will never be caught doing that with a girl. 

Their Math teacher arrives and lessons kick-off for the day.

Throughout the day, Wei Wuxian continues to tease and make wry guesses as to why Lan Wangji would be called to Mr Yao’s office. 

Lan Wangji is not particularly bothered - he’s been to the office before and all the times he’s been summoned, they were good things.

A scholarship, playing for the school’s inauguration event, meeting Wei Wuxian…

Only good things.

Lan Wangji heads into Mr Yao’s office, not expecting something good but simply there to obediently follow whatever instructions his teacher would be giving to him.

“Wangji, you’ve gotten close to Wei Wuxian over the last few months.”

Lan Wangji’s heart thumps.

“Yes. You told me to take care of him.” That’s not why I care for him, though.

Mr Yao finally looks up at Lan Wangji for proper eye contact, not expecting his number one student to respond in that manner.

“There are concerns that the two of you might be too close.”

Too close? He could never be too close to Wei Wuxian. If anything, he needs to be closer. 

“Wei Wuxian was a troublemaker in his previous school.” 

Lan Wangji almost scoffs. There is merit in knowing about someone’s past but that doesn’t mean that they are the same person today.

Instead, he replies, “Has Wei Wuxian caused any trouble in our school since he joined?”

“Not yet, but we don’t want him to influence you in a bad manner.” 

The only influence Wei Wuxian has on me is teaching me how to love somebody wholly. 

“We’ll reshuffle the seats in class tomorrow. You are a Lan, Wangji. Your uncle will come down heavy on me if I let you go astray.” 

A change in seats will not keep Lan Wangji away from Wei Wuxian. He is naturally drawn to Wei Wuxian. Wei Wuxian is the compass north for Lan Wangji.

The whole idea that Wei Wuxian could walk Lan Wangji down the wrong path is absurd. The teachers clearly do not know who Wei Wuxian is. 

But Lan Wangji doesn’t want to cause trouble for Wei Wuxian. 

“It is still my duty as a student council member to look out for students who are in need.” 

He says his piece and doesn’t wait for Mr Yao to respond before leaving the office. 

He returns to the classroom to grab his belongings and sees a note alongside his stationery.

Thank you for lending me your pen. I’ll remember to bring mine tomorrow! - WWX

Wei Wuxian is not going to remember and he’ll probably end up borrowing Lan Wangji’s pen again anyway. 

Lan Wangji lips curve up into the barest of smiles as he fondly thinks of how forgetful Wei Wuxian is.

And then he remembers that Wei Wuxian is not going to sit beside him anymore.

Lan Wangji is not five years old, he’s not going to cry or throw a tantrum over something like this - he doesn’t even know how to throw one. 

But it is sad.

Come tomorrow, there will be no Wei Wuxian taking his stationery sheepishly, no more random notes that Wei Wuxian tosses onto his table, and no more sharing textbooks with Wei Wuxian when he forgets them.

They are small things but for Lan Wangji who’s never had a table mate that he liked before.

It might as well be a stab to his heart. 

Like somebody has clawed away a piece of him.

The teachers are right if they think that Lan Wangji is attached to Wei Wuxian.

And they are cruel for trying to remove him from Lan Wangji’s life. 

He knows he will still see Wei Wuxian around. 

They will still go to school together, Lan Wangji will still make lunches for Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji will play the piano as many times as Wei Wuxian asks for it.

And Lan Wangji will still love Wei Wuxian with all his heart.

It’s fine, he convinces himself.

Except, later that day, Lan Wangji receives a text from Wei Wuxian: 

Lan Zhan! I am going to stay up tonight reading so I’ll sleep in tomorrow instead of going to school early! See you tomorrow

It’s nothing out of the ordinary but hours ago Lan Wangji had spent time convincing himself on the way home that nothing will change between him and Wei Wuxian. 

So he swallows the lump in his throat and replies:

Make sure you set your alarm. I’ll see you in school tomorrow. Good night.

Wei Wuxian stumbles into the classroom just before the last bell goes. There isn’t enough time for Lan Wangji to say anything before Mr Yao arrives for homeroom. 

Normally, the students would come forward to draw their lots for their seats. 

But Mr Yao has arranged the seating plan this time.

Lan Wangji scans the screen for Wei Wuxian’s name first and then his own.

As expected, they are as far away from each other as can be.

This means even if they were to do any sort of group work, there’s s no chance they would be in the same group. 

Lan Wangji turns to look at Wei Wuxian, wondering if he would be sad about the change as well.

“Oh, this means I get to make new friends!” Lan Wangji cannot believe it but Wei Wuxian is grinning. 

“Ahh Lan Zhan, this means we don’t get to sit next to each other anymore!” He finally turns to face Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian’s mouth drops, “Lan Zhan! Don’t make that face.”

Lan Wangji doesn’t know what face he is making. He is not known for his expressions; the only person who can read him like a book is usually Lan Xichen. Whatever face he is making now must be different from his usual deadpan one despite his attempts to school his expressions to serene.

“It is a shame that we can’t sit together anymore.” Lan Wangji remarks. He reaches into his bag and pulls out the pen that Wei Wuxian normally uses - except, there are three of them now. 

He hands them over to Wei Wuxian along with the lunch he has prepared as well, “Here, you can have these and your lunch.”

Wei Wuxian studies Lan Wangji for a moment and exclaims, “Lan Zhan! You really are too good. I envy your next tablemate, they are going to be spoiled.” 

With that, Wei Wuxian grabs his belongings and moved to the seat that Mr Yao had assigned him to, leaving a dumbfounded Lan Wangji in his seat.

There is some mercy in the new seating arrangement in that Lan Wangji is unable to see Wei Wuxian from where he is. Lan Wangji is relatively tall so he can’t be sat right in front so he is placed to the side of the classroom but in the middle row. Wei Wuxian is sat right at the back, out of Lan Wangji’s line of sight.

The unfortunate thing is that just because you cannot see something, doesn’t mean you cannot hear it.

When Wei Wuxian first joined the class, it was hard to believe that he was anything other than a proper student who knew most of the answers that the teachers threw at him. But that was because he was going through a hard time - he couldn’t bring himself to be up to mischief. 

Grief can change a person, it can cause them to lose their faith but they don’t usually take away a person’s personality entirely. 

Yes, Wei Wuxian had gone through something tragic and that had changed his outlook on certain things but inwardly, Wei Wuxian is an energetic and quick-witted person. 

In between classes, Lan Wangji can hear Wei Wuxian making shameless remarks at the back of the classroom with their classmates, followed by several roars of laughter from those around. 

Lan Wangji is happy that Wei Wuxian is making friends with others - he knows that Wei Wuxian is originally outgoing and loves talking to people and just because Lan Wangji is the complete opposite, doesn’t mean that Wei Wuxian should stop doing so on his behalf.

At the same time, there’s a sharp ache in his chest that he puts down to something akin to loneliness.

It’s not like Lan Wangji hasn’t heard Wei Wuxian laugh before. In the latter days of their friendship, when Wei Wuxian was getting better, he started being his silly goofy old self again and Lan Wangji adored the sound of Wei Wuxian’s laughter. 

But hearing it with a group of people that he’s not involved in, Lan Wangji can only feel misery from it.

He gets up and heads out of the classroom. The bell isn’t due for another two minutes.

Two minutes, but Lan Wangji wants to be away from that classroom for now. 

Mr Yao had separated the two of them because he was afraid Wei Wuxian was holding Lan Wangji back.

Just who was it that was actually holding the other back?

Chapter Text

Over time, Lan Wangji is convinced that Wei Wuxian might be avoiding him. 

It’s been two weeks since they’ve changed seats. It’s also been two weeks since they’ve walked to school together, had lunch, and more since Lan Wangji has played the piano for Wei Wuxian.

Wei Wuxian comes up with new excuses each day as to why Lan Wangji shouldn’t come around to get him for soccer practice and he keeps sleeping in late so he can’t wake up on time for them to walk together.

When Lan Wangji sees Wei Wuxian in the hallways, Wei Wuxian doesn’t chase Lan Wangji with his voice calling out, “Lan Zhaaaan!” anymore. 

But Lan Wangji’s eyes still chase after his.

It’s just not returned.

Lan Wangji racks his brain trying to think of what he could have done to upset Wei Wuxian.

Was it the flute?

Had he gone overboard? 

Lan Wangji wishes Wei Wuxian would tell him.

Maybe it’s the new seating arrangement but Lan Wangji is not foolish enough to think that something as minor as that could rock the relationship he has with Wei Wuxian.

Lan Wangji tries to convince himself that Wei Wuxian is just trying to figure out how to navigate school life without Lan Wangji by his side.

Wei Wuxian is not obligated to talk to him at school, just because they sat next to each other before, just because he bared his soul to Lan Wangji.

No, Wei Wuxian is a free spirit. He is allowed to do whatever he wants.

Even if it means ripping Lan Wangji’s heart in two by ignoring him at school.

The weeks pass very slowly for Lan Wangji without Wei Wuxian at his side. Unfortunately for Mr Yao, Wei Wuxian’s grades do not reflect the reason why he chose to separate the two of them.

Wei Wuxian continues to score well on tests, second to none other than Lan Wangji. 

For some reason, Wei Wuxian has also started to skip some classes. The teachers notice this and Mr Yao is pleased to know that his initial decision to split the two students apart was the right one - Lan Qiren would not be pleased to hear if his nephew started playing hooky. 

Lan Wangji is known to be a stickler for the rules but even so, he is not repulsed by Wei Wuxian’s actions. It doesn’t matter if Wei Wuxian seems to be different from before or that he seems to be the complete opposite of Lan Wangji, Lan Wangji loves him anyway. 

However, it pains Lan Wangji, even more, to see that Wei Wuxian still hangs out with Nie Huaisang consistently even though they do not sit near each other anymore.

It’s a confirmation that it isn’t the seating arrangement but something more that made Wei Wuxian decide that Lan Wangji wasn’t necessary for his life. 

The only interaction Lan Wangji gets to have with Wei Wuxian is when he does the uniform spot checks in the classroom. 

Wei Wuxian is so energetic and active in school - he often has his shirt tucked out of habit so it doesn’t restrict his movements. Lan Wangji used to remind him all the time when they still sat next to each other.

Now, Wei Wuxian ends up accumulating demerit points because of his untucked shirt. 

One time, Lan Wangji is unsure why, but he thinks Wei Wuxian was trying to spite or bait him,

“Maybe your expectations are too perfect, Wangji-tongxue (classmate).” Wei Wuxian laughs as he tucks his shirt properly. 

Not when it comes to you, you can be anything and I will still love you for it.

Lan Wangji doesn’t respond, just marks Wei Wuxian’s name on the checklist for another round of cleaning the school and moves on to the next student.

In some ways, Lan Wangji has slipped back into his old routine before he met Wei Wuxian: he goes to school early for track and field or student council duties, has lessons, practices for the next concert, and then more student council duties. 

Lan Wangji has always found comfort in the mundane - routines are stable, they ground him and it brings Lan Wangji a lot of peace.

Wei Wuxian’s appearance in Lan Wangji’s life challenged his need for routines - Wei Wuxian was unpredictable by nature although Lan Wangji learned to read him better as time passed but he had gotten used to anticipating something off-brand when he spent time with Wei Wuxian.

So returning to his routines feels like a betrayal of his own heart and mind.

But there’s nothing Lan Wangji can do about it anyway.

Wei Wuxian is not faring any better. 

Ever since his birthday, he had thought that things were going to change between him and Lan Wangji. 

Up till the run-up to his birthday, he had always thought that Lan Wangji was simply being sympathetic toward him and his plight.

A part of Wei Wuxian had always thought that he was being unfair to Lan Wangji for unloading his troubles that day. It wasn’t Lan Wangji’s responsibility to make Wei Wuxian happy again but somehow he did it without even trying.

Lan Wangji is sincere and genuine - which makes Wei Wuxian love him. 

He has such a good heart and he has been so giving to Wei Wuxian. How could he not fall in love?

Over time, Wei Wuxian began to wonder if Lan Wangi was holding back because of his grief for his sister. That was why he wanted to bring Lan Wangji to his sister’s grave - to show him that he is better now; he doesn’t need to treat Wei Wuxian like glass anymore.

Lan Wangji had been very kind and considerate to Wei Wuxian since the first time they met and Wei Wuxian is very grateful.

Wei Wuxian wants more from their relationship.

And he almost blurted it out on the riverbed. 

That day, Wei Wuxian had been very ready to shamelessly reveal his feelings to Lan Wangji. 

But Lan Wangji looked so sad and Wei Wuxian he- he didn't want to push Lan Wangji. It shouldn’t be like that. 

And then he overheard Lan Wangji’s conversation with Mr Yao in the staff room.

Lan Wangji was supposedly taking care of Wei Wuxian because it was his responsibility. Mr Yao and some of the teachers think that Wei Wuxian is a bad influence on Lan Wangji. 

Part of Wei Wuxian knows that this isn’t true.

He knows that Lan Wangji genuinely cares for him. But Lan Wangji had uttered the words ‘’it is my duty’’ and if he took a moment to listen to the whole conversation in context, Wei Wuxian would have worked out why Lan Wangji said those words.

But Wei Wuxian bolted the moment Lan Wangji ‘claimed’ his relationship with Wei Wuxian to be nothing more than a task given by his teacher.

So even though Wei Wuxian was devastated by the change of seats, he took it as his chance to liberate Lan Wangji from his duty.

It’s not right, it’s not right . But what can he do? 

Lan Wangji is so nice, he doesn’t even say anything when Wei Wuxian is being deliberately cold and rude to him. 

Wei Wuxian knows that he is taking advantage of Lan Wangji’s politeness in this situation. 

Lan Wangji has been nothing but kind to him.

And maybe it was out of duty.

The least Wei Wuxian can do is not sully Lan Wangji’s reputation.

So he pulls away.

The seat change helps.

He starts going to practice on his own.

He makes up a ton of excuses so Lan Wangji doesn’t come by to get him anymore.

Wei Wuxian hopes that as time goes on, Lan Wangji will stop caring for him.

It takes everything in Wei Wuxian not to run to Lan Wangji’s side and ask how he’s doing. He’s gotten used to being by Lan Wangji’s side, it feels wrong not to be.

But he learns to cope.

And it seems like Lan Wangji is coping well anyway.

Nothing seems to have changed for Lan Wangji - he still goes for his duties, he still tops the class, and he still runs the track. And Wei Wuxian knows all these because he watches Lan Wangji.

To Wei Wuxian, all of these things just reaffirm the fact that he was nothing but a burden to Lan Wangji in the first place. 

Yet he owes it to Lan Wangji to try. 

The words he said on his birthday “You saved me…”

He had meant it. 

He cannot undo Lan Wangji’s efforts. 

He needs to really live.

And so he makes friends with Nie Huaisang and a few more classmates. He goes to soccer practice and hangs out late with the team. He skips class, once, just because.

While these are all things the Wei Wuxian of the past would have also enjoyed, he currently feels like he is missing something. He likes his friends, his soccer team, and all the things they get up to.

But somehow, it still finds kind of empty. 

One day, Wei Wuxian returns to the classroom before soccer practice because he forgot his socks and finds Lan Wangji in the class handing out notice sheets on the desks for the next day.

It would be odd not to say anything so Wei Wuxian mutters out a “hello” - the first time they’ve spoken since everything changed.

Lan Wangji just looks at him, surprised that Wei Wuxian said anything at all, and nods his head in acknowledgment. 

If Wei Wuxian looks closer he will see Lan Wangji gripping the papers, indenting the whole stack. 

He heads to his seat and grabs his socks. 

“Do you need any help with that?” Wei Wuxian casually asks. He wants to be able to talk to Lan Wangji like a regular classmate, even if they can’t go back to what they were before. 

Lan Wangji declines his help with a shake of his head and Wei Wuxian wishes he had more self-control because his next words are ones he regrets, “Right, it’s your duty after all.”

And turns around to leave.

Lan Wangji stops him, “What do you mean by that?”

“Nothing, except you take your responsibilities seriously.” 

With that, Wei Wuxian is off.

Lan Wangji is no fool. He can make a smart guess about what Wei Wuxian is insinuating. 

Running in the hallways is not allowed so Lan Wangji moves with hastened footsteps. But Wei Wuxian is not having any of it, he has sprinted all the way to the field, clearly having no desire to speak to Lan Wangji on the subject.

The next few days, Lan Wangji tries to approach Wei Wuxian - which is a first because Lan Wangji has grown used to keeping his distance from Wei Wuxian. That was before Lan Wangji suspected that there might be a misunderstanding between the two of them. 

Before, Lan Wangji had thought that Wei Wuxian wanted space.

Now, Lan Wangji wants understanding.

Wei Wuxian, however, is very elusive. He can sense when Lan Wangji is approaching and navigates his way out or busies himself before Lan Wangji has the opportunity to speak to him although this never seems to faze Lan Wangji. 

Not long after, the time to prep for their school’s Sports Day arrives. Mr Nie who is a spartan physical education teacher is choosing who should represent them for their class. Mr Nie is extremely competitive and has every desire for their class to win.

And so, the selection naturally falls on Lan Wangji who is the track team’s ace, and Wei Wuxian who is in the soccer team as well as two others for the relay race.

“The four of you will practice after school.” 

It is decided that Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji will run the tail end of the relay race with Lan Wangji finishing for them. When Mr Yao learns of this arrangement, he is not pleased and attempts to change Mr Nie’s mind.

Mr Nie, however, shoots him a death glare and Mr Yao says nothing else.

“Don’t worry, Mr Yao. We have Lan Wangji on the team who is very responsible after all. There is nothing to worry about.” 

Lan Wangji doesn’t miss the sourness of Wei Wuxian’s voice – the underlying bitterness, the pain. He knows Wei Wuxian has heard what he said to Mr Yao but Wei Wuxian had heard it out of context. Lan Wangji desperately wants Wei Wuxian to know that his affection has nothing to do with responsibility.

It’s far from it.

Wei Wuxian continues to elude Lan Wangji even as they have to practice after school and Lan Wangji can feel himself losing the opportunity to speak to Wei Wuxian after this is over.

Even without any letters from the past to guide him, Lan Wangji knows with certainty that he is going to live in a world of regret if he does not communicate his feelings properly.

The night before their final practice, he sends a text to Wei Wuxian:

Lan Zhan

I have something important to say to you after the race is over, please. 

Simple, straightforward, no frills. So like Lan Wangji. 

Wei Wuxian himself does not know what it is for Lan Wangji to say. He’s been avoiding Lan Wangji like a plague because he cannot stand being treated like a ‘responsibility’ anymore. 

But he complies. 

Wei Wuxian
Okay. 

He misses Lan Wangji’s voice after all.

On the day of their last practice, Lan Wangji doesn’t bother Wei Wuxian with attempts to talk, fully trusting in their promise of speaking tomorrow. 

Wen Chao decides it’s time to exact payback for Wei Wuxian’s rejection. 

It’s not anything major, he waits for Lan Wangji to leave for his student council duties and as Wei Wuxian packs up to leave, one of his lackeys trip Wei Wuxian.

It doesn’t break Wei Wuxian’s leg but it’s enough to cause him a sprain. 

“What, Wen Chao, your ego too fragile for rejection?” Wei Wuxian retorts. He’d happily retaliate but he’s got bigger things to worry about. 

“No, but enough for self-preservation.” And they leave without a single one of them to help Wei Wuxian. 

There isn’t anyone else on the track because of how hot it’s getting and Wei Wuxian is left on his own to get himself home. It doesn’t hurt as much as he thinks he should when he walks so he thinks he will be fine. 

He just needs to make it through the next day. 

Race day is here and Mr Nie is giving them the prep talk as though he is trying to inspire a generation. 

Wei Wuxian is trying to keep the weight off his sprained left foot and is leaning against the wall for support. 

He takes a moment to wonder what Mr Nie would do if he interrupted him with a request to pull out of the race and then goes against the idea. 

Although the polite thing to do when someone is talking is to give them your full attention, Lan Wangji is distracted by Wei Wuxian’s distress. 

He had noticed first thing when Wei Wuxian walked into school that Wei Wuxian was trying to conceal a limp. 

To Wei Wuxian’s credit, he did not even react in pain when Nie Huaisang slung his arm around Wei Wuxian, wishing him all the best for the race later. 

But to Lan Wangji’s trained eye (he who has spent days studying Wei Wuxian), he could see the way his lids twitched ever so slightly and the subtle way Wei Wuxian tried to bite his lip to hide the pain. 

When Mr Nie was done encouraging (coercing) them to clinch a win for the class, Lan Wangji approached Wei Wuxian immediately and pulled out the ankle guard from the first aid kit.

“Sit.” 

“What are you doing? I’m alri- Ow!” Wei Wuxian is trying to pass it off like it is nothing again but Lan Wangji simply exerts a little pressure on Wei Wuxian’s ankle.

Wei Wuxian relents because of the pain but mostly because Lan Wangji has already started getting to work - removing his trainers; does he not think it’s filthy removing someone’s shoes? 

“Wei Ying, you should drop out of the race.” Lan Wangji is holding him by the ankle.

“What? No! You heard Mr Nie.” Wei Wuxian tries to wiggle his foot out but Lan Wangji’s grip is firm. 

“You could get hurt even further if you run like that.” Whether Wei Wuxian participates or not, Lan Wangji wants to stabilise Wei Wuxian’s ankle and is set on making sure Wei Wuxian doesn’t injure himself more. 

“You don’t have to do this, I’m not your responsibility anymore.” Wei Wuxian sighs as Lan Wangji carefully wraps the ankle guard around Wei Wuxian’s left foot. 

“That’s not why I’m doing this.” Lan Wangji looks him straight in the eye and Wei Wuxian finds himself being unable to look away. When he is done fitting the ankle guard, Lan Wangji grabs Wei Wuxian’s trainer and slips it on again. Gentle. 

“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji calls out to him again, “are you sure you want to participate in this race?” 

“Lan Zhan, it’s the first time I’m doing something for the class and we have quite a solid chance of winning, there’s no way I’m dropping out.” Wei Wuxian counters. “Or are you wanting me to drop out so it proves Mr Yao right that I am a shirker of responsibilities and you are not?

Even Wei Wuxian winces at his own jab.

Hurt rises over Lan Wangji’s stoic expression and Wei Wuxian regrets his words even as Lan Wangji strives to hide the pain.

Lan Wangji is set on clearing this misunderstanding now. 

“Wei Ying,” for the first time in weeks, Lan Wangji holds Wei Wuxian’s hands in his just so Wei Wuxian would not run away from this conversation, “Listen to me.” Wei Wuxian reluctantly faces him and Lan Wangji continues in earnest, “You are not a responsibility or a burden to me. You caught the start of my conversation with Mr Yao but that was not all I said.”

Wei Wuxian’s eyes go round, he is confused. “Wait, so it’s a misun-” 

Lan Wangji never cuts a person off in conversation because it’s extremely rude but he now understands the need for such a gesture. He simply is unable to let Wei Wuxian think of him so poorly anymore.

“Wei Ying, Mr Yao thinks that you are just a responsibility to me but you are more than that.” Lan Wangji’s hands tighten. “You are not just some project I embarked on and need to keep alive. You are more than that.”

It takes a moment but Wei Wuxian finally breaks out into a smile and Lan Wangji’s heart is warm again. It’s still cold outside but Lan Wangji has been set alight by Wei Wuxian’s grin. 

“Lan Zhan, then I am so sorry. I have been avoiding you all this time because of that. I didn’t want to burden you anymore.” Wei Wuxian explains.

“Not a burden, never a burden.”

Lan Wangji finally releases Wei Wuxian’s hands as he watches the expression of relief wash over Wei Wuxian’s face and goes back to adjusting Wei Wuxian’s shoes. 

“Okay, but what am I to you then?” Wei Wuxian prods further, a cheeky expression taking over his relief. 

Lan Wangji’s ears burn a slight vermilion and it is Wei Wuxian’s favourite colour. 

“I’ll tell you after the race.” 

Wei Wuxian holds onto Lan Wangji as he gets up from the bleachers. Both of them are extremely pleased that they can come into such contact again. Both had thought that their relationship was a forgone conclusion since the change of seats. 

“Alright, I’ll hold you to it.” 

Lan Wangji is still skeptical about Wei Wuxian participating in the relay race but Wei Wuxian continues to insist on his participation. He jokes about getting recognition and attention from all the pretty people in class much to Lan Wangji’s chagrin. 

The announcer calls for all students participating in the 800m dash races to come forward. The relay race is last but because Lan Wangji is so good, Mr Nie is making him do the 800m dash as well. 

As Lan Wangji turns to go, Wei Wuxian stops him,

“Lan Zhan, trade with me?” Wei Wuxian holds up his own forehead ribbon toward Lan Wangji.

They are all given the same ones; there is no unique ribbon for those participating in specific races or from specific years. It’s just a simple white forehead ribbon.

And yet, this gesture thrills Lan Wangji who quickly removes his own and exchanges his for Wei Wuxian’s, as though there is some special power in them. Wei Wuxian should know that Lan Wangji is going to frame this ribbon for posterity. 

“Tie it for me.” Lan Wangji boldly requests and Wei Wuxian is happy to comply even as he starts off clumsily, trying not to tangle Lan Wangji’s hair. 

Lan Wangji goes to the front and Wei Wuxian is his biggest cheerleader much to Mr Yao’s dismay. He gives Wei Wuxian disapproving looks for being so loud but Wei Wuxian is too focused on Lan Wangji sprinting across the track for him to care. 

To nobody’s surprise, Lan Wangji clinches first place, even beating his own record on the track team. 

He was right, Wei Wuxian’s ribbon had special powers. 

Then comes the relay race and before they take their positions, Wei Wuxian also asks for Lan Wangji to fix the exchanged ribbon on his forehead, something that Lan Wangji is more than happy to do. 

Lan Wangji has been into running his whole life, it is his escape from the busyness and it is his way of meditation. But this is the first time he is so excited to be part of a race and he has no doubt that Wei Wuxian participating (despite his own protests) has everything to do with it.

He waits eagerly as the starting pistol goes. Their two classmates are average at running but they are not far behind the first and second place. Lan Wangji watches with bated breath as Wei Wuxian runs while biting his lips to distract himself from the pain. 

Despite the sprained ankle, Wei Wuxian manages to overtake the runner in second place and is hastily making his way to Lan Wangji. 

Lan Wangji gets into position, hand stretched behind awaiting Wei Wuxian to pass the baton on. Lan Wangji does not care if they win or not but he has every intention to impress Wei Wuxian at what he does best. 

As Wei Wuxian approaches Lan Wangji, he starts shouting at Lan Wangji but because of all the cheering, he only catches the tail end of what Wei Wuxian says which arguably is the most important of his message, “You can do it, Lan Zhan! I believe in you, I love you so much.”

A love declaration. Of course, so typical of Wei Wuxian’s shameless self.

Lan Wangji’s ears and cheeks heat up as he registers what Wei Wuxian is saying and he freezes for a second before the baton surrenders itself into Lan Wangji’s hand and Lan Wangji’ takes off.

It’s the first time he’s running with such vigor. 

It’s one thing to set a new record for an 800m dash and it’s quite another to beat the record for a relay race - a race that is a collective effort from different people of different talents. 

And Lan Wangji does both. 

Today, Lan Wangji learns that he doesn’t need anything else in his life to motivate him.

He only needs Wei Wuxian.

And that is what he tells Wei Wuxian just as the day ends.

As he finishes playing their song on the piano in room 509. 

Wei Wuxian is looking at him with such affection, Lan Wangji could drown. 

“You are not a burden.” He finds himself needing to repeat this. “You are my perfect companion, my soul mate, my raison d’etre. I love you.” 

“I hope you didn’t tell Mr Yao that.” Wei Wuxian teases as he leans in for the first kiss they will share in their new lives.

Lan Wangji seals their lips together, tenderly soothing where Wei Wuxian had bit himself earlier from the race while gently pouring his emotions into the kiss.

Lan Wangji might forever be haunted by the fact that a version of him from the past did not get to kiss Wei Wuxian like this.

But he is going to make it up to his previous self in this new life.

In this life, he will love Wei Wuxian, and cherish him many times over, he is never going to let Wei Wuxian go into the darkness again.