Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It's been..hard, since Steven became a diamond. The diamonds accept he isn't mom, but now he's just the "new Pink Diamond". But it's fine. Really. The diamond's consider Earth to be "his" to do what he wants with.

And that's good! Really! The Earth is safe, and the gems who live there can live freely, so long as he pretends he's "ruling" them. Lars and the off colors work to make sure they can smuggle off color and fusions safely to Earth, the diamonds don't have to know anything about it. And they help him uncorrupt gems by giving him those vials, so if they do see any of those gems, he can just pass them off as one of the uncorrupted ones! It's fine!

Everything's fine! So really, Steven has no idea why he's been acting like this! Sure, his plan to help the little homeschool gems branch out didn't go the way he thought, no big deal. And yeah, he had a super awkward encounter with the Rose Quartz, now that the diamonds have unbubbled and given them to him, but they worked it out! They've agreed they're basically like siblings, and they're all on good terms. They're even going to little homeschool next semester! None of that is a big deal!

Sure, the whole thing with trying to fix volleyball was a disaster, but Pearl and Volleyball fused! And they've found an understanding, which was totally worth the lecture and punishment from white over destroying the Reef.

The gems are still treating him like a kid, which sucks, but they've talked about it. They're working on it, they even updated Steven tag!

Connie not wanting to get married...hurts. In ways he can't even begin to describe. But even still, none of that excuses-

Pearl puts her hand on his shoulder, finally forcing him to actually pay attention to what's been said.

"Steven, please, what happened?"

He can't do this. This is too much, he can't believe any of this is happening right now, he can't believe-

"I-I- I shattered Jasper..." He's speaking through sobs, and isn't that just unfair? He's the one who did this, and now Jasper is just another quartz soldier who thinks of him as their diamond.

He feels like he's falling apart, maybe he is falling apart, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe he shouldn't be around anyone anymore, if he isn't around anyone, he can't hurt them.

There's a layer of mist, or clouds? He isn't sure, but it's probably another dangerous power hes suddenly manifesting. God, can't he just catch a break?

As the cloud disappears, he realizes he's alone, and the house looks... different. Everything seems to be enveloped in a slightly pink glow, and the windows-

The windows are fully pink, and they look out at the couch, with the gems and dad all sitting around him.

Is he...

Is he in his gem?

Chapter Text

Maybe... maybe this is a good thing. If Steven is in his gem, he can't hurt anyone. That's a good thing, a great thing, actually!

"Except for the part where staying poofed forever will still hurt everyone."

Steven turns around to see someone who looks like him, but younger. What he looked like before he finally got his growth spurt.

"Uh..who...?" Another face pops up around the corner, and where did he even come from? This new person still looks like Steven, but from when he was much younger, and still living with his dad. This tiny Steven is wearing worn down pants and a very baggy shirt. Steven vaguely remembers when he looked like that, his dad's merch only came in so many sizes, and until he started staying with the gems, he only ever had one pair of pants.

"We're the yous inside your gem!" Tiny Steven shouts.

Huh. Like the Pearls inside Pearl's pearl.

"Exactly!!" Tiny Steven throws his hands in the air and bounces on the balls of his feet in excitement.

"Oh, so you guys can just hear my thoughts then." Steven crosses his arms, leaning against the wall and scowling at them.

"Well, duh, we're you." Another Steven shows up around the corner, content to stay on the other side of the room. He leans against the wall and crosses his arm like he's mocking Steven, and from the slight smirk he gets from that thought, he supposes he is.

This new Steven is wearing Steven's new Diamond Court attire. The Diamonds let him decide how he appeared on homeworld, so long as he looked "put together" and "like a diamond". He's not totally sure what they meant, but they seem happy with his chosen outfit, so it must be fine. He made sure it doesn't look anything like Mom's. The sleeves are loose and flowy, and the top crops to show off his gem. The pants are plain and go all the way to his ankles, and his shoes are his signature flipflops. Everything in the outfit is a light pink, like the color of his jacket. Uncle Andy once saw his outfit and said he looked like a "hippie" whatever that was.

"Is there... more of you?" He's not sure he can take dealing with three of his younger selves, let alone more.

"No, just us." Diamond Steven is no longer smirking, and is instead glaring at him. Probably because he can hear Steven's thoughts, which he really doesn't appreciate.

"Look," The first Steven starts, and man, Steven really needs a good name for him. Classic Steven, maybe? That is what the gems seem to call that version of him.

"Or you can get sidetracked instead of listening, that doesn't ever end badly for you." Diamond Steven interrupts his train of thought.

"Steven cringes, "Sorry." Yeah, White never is very nice when he gets distracted during meetings.

"It's okay!" Classic Steven pipes up. "I was just explaining how to get out of here, so it's less awkward that we can hear your every thought."

Oh. Yeah. Leaving. Steven supposes he doesn't really want to stay here, but he doesn't want to go back out there, either. He doesn't want to hurt anyone.

"You know... you can listen to what they're saying to you if you sit over by the windows. Maybe that'll help?" Classic Steven gives him a sad smile, and isn't it just fitting that he manages to upset even himself?

Steven walks over to the nearest window, and it juts out, creating a place where he can sit. He sits down and leans the back of his head against the window, not having the strength to look at them right now.

"The only person who hasn't had Steven, is Steven!" He hears Amethyst shout, and it sounds like everyone is crying.

Huh. Ironic, now that technically he does have Steven. Three of them, in fact.

"Steven doesn't need a Steven!" He hears Connie shout. "What he needs is for all of you to stop making everything about you! He's never poofed before, and he's going to need your support when he comes out of his gem. And he's going to need your support with everything else, too."

Connie always gets it. He wishes he could tell her he appreciates her without leaving his gem.

"How about this!" Tiny Steven pops up beside him, a glint in his eye, like he's up to something. "Let's show you the area where you can make changes to your appearance! Just get your mind off of this for a moment."

He smiles at Tiny Steven, and feels a bit bad he thought he was up to something when really he just wanted to help him. He doesn't actually think he wants to change his appearance, but he supposes the distraction might be fun.

He's lead up the stairs to what looks like his bedroom, but in place of the windows are mirrors.

"It's a place where you can only hear you! You just think about what you'd like to look like, and boom! That's just how you look. Obviously you can't just look like anything, but within reason!"

Steven smiles at the tiny Steven, and enters the room, the door shutting behind him.

What does he even change, though? Turn his gem to be shaped like a diamond? He supposes it technically is always shaped like a diamond, people just can't see it.

Wait. Nononono. He didn't actually mean that.

But it isn't changing back, when he looks at his gem, it's now very clear he's a diamond. Very clear he's Pink Diamond. God, this is not what he needed. He doesn't want to look like her, but the gem isn't changing back.

He goes over to one of the mirrors on his window.

Just...think about something else! He's fine! He's... he's Steven! And Steven is a crystal gem!

And, he supposes, looking down at his gem, a diamond.

He looks in the mirror and thinks, deciding to change his shirt, It's still the black star shirt from his dad's merch, but the star is moved up, and the shirt is slightly cropped to show the bottom of his gem.

That's not...terrible.

He puts adds his pink varsity jacket, and the ensemble actually looks pretty nice.

Maybe he should do something with his hair? It could be longer, like Dad's.

He looks at himself in the mirror, and it looks nice, super fluffy, but not at all like any version of Mom's hair.

Maybe...

He could add some pink to his hair. Not the light pink like Mom, but a darker pink, the same shade as his gem. Just on the underside of his hair, so it doesn't stand out too much.

He actually likes the way he looks. It's different, but not too different. He still looks like him. He's not totally sure about the change in his gem, but well, that is his gem.

This isn't gonna be like, permanent clothes, right? He didn't see any clothes on the ground anywhere when he looked through the window. Maybe his gem just, stored them? And is letting him alter them?

That would make sense.

Hopefully.

He opens the door to leave the room, but instead of leading down the stairs, there's a bright white light blocking the door.

Oh.

Steven just got tricked.

He walks through the door, and reforms, now standing on the coffee table. He quickly gets down.

Instantly, there are multiple sets of arms around him.

Maybe, he can let them in.

Chapter Text

“You want to do what?”

“Go on a road trip! Find myself, you know, what you were trying to get me to do a few months ago.” 

Greg sighs, “Look, Sctuball, I don’t think that would be a very good idea. You had us really worried there, and I know you’ve been making progress with your therapist, but it’s only been two months. Besides, you’re only sixteen.” 

Steven narrows his eyes, “Really? N ow we care about how old I am? I’ve been to SPACE by myself! ” 

“I know!! And that shouldn’t have happened!” 

“Dad, please, I need to go on this trip. I need to experience what it’s like to be a normal, human kid, around other kids who think I’m human too.” 

“You are human.” Steven growls and storms off. Greg’s really not sure what to do. It’s clear Steven needs the space, but he also needs to not be alone. 

Maybe getting to know some of his human side of the family would help? Greg does have an uncle, Stan, who lives in a quiet small town. Stan always seemed pretty chill, and would even stand up for him sometimes. Not that Greg saw him often, nor has he seen him in decades. Honestly, Greg kinda doubts he’d let Steven stay with him for the summer, but it’s worth it to ask. 

For Steven. 

-----------------

“You’ve reached the Mystery shack, or whatever. How can I help you?” The girl on the phone sounds like she could care less if she helps him or not.

He feels bad calling Stan’s business, but he doesn’t actually know his personal phone. 

“Hi, uh… I’d like to speak with Stan Pines, if that’s alright?” 

The girl on the phone takes a huge breathe in. “STAN! SOME GUY WANTS TO TALK TO YOU!” There’s vague noises on the other end, then, “He wants to know if you’re the government, IRS, or anyone who wants to arrest him.” 

Oookay, maybe this isn’t the best idea.

Although, it can't be worse than Steven’s mom’s side, he supposes. It's probably just tax evasion, and Greg can't fault him for that. Steven doesn't even have a birth certificate. “Uh, Greg. I’m Stan’s nephew. It's been awhile so if he doesn’t remember me, it’s fine.” 

“SAYS HE’S YOUR NEPHEW!” 

There’s rustling on the other end and then another voice on the phone, “Hank? Your kids haven’t even gotten on the bus yet, have you changed your mind already? I swear I'm not that bad of an influence.” Shit. Hank. Greg’s little brother. If Hank’s kids are there, they might try to influence Steven. There's no telling what horrible beliefs they might have learned from Hank, or the rest of the family. Greg's taken so much care to make sure Steven doesn't even know about some of that stuff.

No. It’s fine. Steven can think for himself. Besides, Hank is Greg’s much younger brother, if he has kids, they can’t be older than 4 or 5. If anything, Steven might be able to be a good influence on them, before their dad and grandparents start infecting their minds. 

“”Uh…no. I’m Greg. Sorry, it’s been awhile. We didn't talk too much to begin with, and it's not like we've seen each other in a really long time.”

Stan laughs, “Hah! Yeah! I heard you ran away! Pretty hilarious, honestly. Ballsy too. Real proud a ya, kid. You know, your brother ran away, too, when he was a teenager. Guess your parents are two for two on their kids not giving a crap. How can I help you Greg?” 

Huh. Maybe there really won’t be anything to worry about. 

“Well, I was gonna see if you were willing to take my kid for the summer, he’s been pretty upset about not knowing any of my family, but if you already have your hands full-”

“No, no! I’d love to get to know baby Greg! And besides, more kids staying the summer, more workers to help in the shop!” Greg sighs in relief. 

“Thanks. I’m sure Steven would love that.” 

“So! Tell me about this kid of yours? Steven, huh? How old is he?”

“Sixteen. He’ll be Seventeen in August. He’s a super sweet kid, but he’s been dealing with a lot from his mom’s side of the family, and he really needs a break. I think a casual summer working in a gift shop would be absolutely perfect for him.” 

“Ah, so his mom has family issues too then, huh? What’s she like?” 

“Her name was Rose and, she was… amazing. Everything I could have ever wanted out of a woman. She was exciting, and she loved everything so much. We met at one of my concerts, she was the only one the show up!” Greg smiles wistfully. He really does still love Rose, he wishes she could have seen Steven growing up, she would have loved him so much. 

“Was?” 

“Yeah, she, uh, passed away, when Steven was born. He never got to meet her.” 

“I’m sorry to hear that. It’s good to know he at least had you though."

"Yeah."

"So! Hank’s kids are getting on a bus and heading this way tomorrow morning, when can I expect Steven?” Greg’s thankful for the change in topic, he wasn't really expecting to talk about Rose's death with a family member he hasn't talked to in forever. Though, he should have expected it, after all, he is talking about Steven, it would be weird for no one to ask about his mom.

“I’ll talk to him this afternoon, but he probably won’t be there for another week.” Steven would still have to pack and take care of all of his gem business first, plus make sure the gems are aware he’s leaving.

“Alright! I’ll see him then!”

Now to tell Steven.

Chapter Text

He can’t believe this. All this time, there was not only an uncle, but an uncle his Dad trusts enough for Steven to live with for three months? Right here on Earth? Just how much family does his Dad have that he was never going to let him know about? 

Steven’s still not actually sure he’s happy with this change in plans, although he supposes he isn’t that mad, or he’d be glowing pink on his drive to Oregon. 

He’s not sure how this is going to go. 

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Steven steps into the shop. Apparently it’s a “tourist trap” as Connie had explained it when he called her last week and they looked it up. It’s a shop filled with fake items and made up monsters to try and make money off of tourists. He’s kinda surprised Beach City didn’t have a tourist trap. Maybe they’re only for places no one would want to go on vacation to? No reason to make up monsters when you have a beach and a theme park.

…and actual monsters. 

He looks around, trying to figure out who he needs to talk to in order to find his Uncle Stan. Or Great Uncle? He had tried to ask Uncle Andy about it, but all he said was that Stan was “a liar who’s not to be trusted.” 

Yeah. He and everyone else in Steven’s family. 

He finally decides just asking a worker was the best option, so he walks over to the desk, where a girl is playing on her phone and completely ignoring the customer trying to decide which novelty shirt to buy. 

“Uh…Hi. My name’s Steven, I’m looking for Stan?” She finally looks up from her phone.

“Oh! Yeah, his other nephew, right?” Other nephew…? “STAN! THE LAST OF YOUR GUESTS IS HERE!” 

Oh no. 

Is he not the only one? Are there going to be cousins or something? Are there a lot of them? Will he have to spend his summer babysitting ten onions? 

Will he have to share a room with one of them?

“Hey! You must be Steven!” An old man in a suit wearing a fez and an eye patch comes out of a door marked employees only, followed by two children. 

The kids don’t look onion young, at least, not that he knows how old onion young is. And there’s only two of them. They look almost identical, which means they’re probably siblings. 

“Yeah! Uh, Hi! I’m Steven. Which. You just said.” Dang it, he’s so awkward. 

The man in the eye patch laughs. “Good to meetcha kid. You can call me Grunkle Stan, God, look at you, you're bigger than Greg was the last time I saw him!” Oh, so dad just sent him to someone he hasn’t talked to since he was a child? Great.

“Haha, yeah. Um. What’s a Grunkle?” Steven rubs the back of his neck awkwardly.

The girl behind Grunkle Stan steps forward, throwing her hands in the air, releasing glitter. “A grunkle is a great uncle! I’m Mabel, this here is my twin brother Dipper. I guess we’re like, first cousins! I’m used to having cousins, but not first cousins!” Mabel gestures wildly at seemingly nothing.

“What’s the difference?” Steven really doesn’t know family terminology, and he’s too awkward to admit he doesn’t fully know what a great uncle is either. 

“Well, regular cousins can be related to you in all sorts of ways, like second cousins, third cousins. Depends on how far out the connection is. But first cousins! That’s your aunt or uncle’s kids! It means our dads are brothers!” His dad has a brother!?!

“Uh, wow. I, uh. I didn’t know my dad had a brother.” He didn't know his dad had a lot of things.

“Yeah, us either.” The other kid, Dipper, doesn’t seem as excited to meet him as his sister.

“Well! Steven, why don’t we get you set up in your room, and then we can show you around.” Grunkle Stan suggests.

-----------

“Uh…We’re all sharing the attic?” Not that Steven is all that used to privacy, but usually he knows the people he’s sharing a space with a little better than having just learned they existed an hour ago. 

“Yep! All three of us! Won’t it be fun?” At least Mabel is excited. 

“No.” Not so much Dipper, though.

“Oh come on! It’ll be like, a super cool, super long, super fun sleepover!” Mabel jumps up onto her bed for emphasis.

Steven starts setting up the bed in the corner of the room. He’s not totally sure what he’s doing though, considering the instructions seem to be in another language, and for building a table. 

“Where did Grunkle Stan get this?” The items at least seem to be a bed frame, or maybe it’s to build a couch? He thinks there might be a back to it. 

“Probably for free at a garage sale. Grunkle Stan is pretty obsessed with cutting corners to make money, hence why we’re all stuffed in the attic.” Is the frame even going to fit the mattress? It's a small mattress, but not that small.

“Hey! At least now the room separation is fair! You were getting less room on your side, because of the door, and now I’m getting less room on mine because of Steven! We’re even now, Dipper!” Oh no. Is Steven encroaching on their space? The attic is pretty small. Maybe he should sleep in the Dondai? 

“Uh, if I’m taking up too much of the attic space, I don’t mind sleeping in my car.” Steven suggests to them, causing Mabel to frown.

“You don’t have to sleep in your car! That sounds awful! And I don’t mind you being here! So long as you don’t mind makeovers!!!” Mabel practically sings that last part.

Dipper finally looks up from what he’s doing to address Steven, “Honestly, you’re probably better off in a car than dealing with her. I’d certainly sleep in a car.” 

“Awww, don’t be like that! Hey, you know what would make you feel better?” Mabel bounces over to Dipper, holding an eye shadow brush.

“You better not say a makeover.” Dipper crosses his arms, eyeing the makeup brush.

“A makeover!!!” Mabel throws her hands in the air again, this time also throwing the little brush, which lands on the floor and rolls under her bed. She doesn’t seem to pay it any mind.

Dipper gets up and leaves, taking whatever contraption he was working on with him. He has an annoyed scowl on his face, but his lips are twisted up slightly, revealing his amusement. 

“Don’t worry about him, he’s just a grumpy butt.” Mabel tells him.

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Mabel is giggling to herself while peering through the shelves. 

“Mabel. I know you’re going through your whole boy crazy faze, but I think you’re kinda overdoing it with the crazy part.”

“Whaaatt?? It’s our first summer away from home! This is my big chance to have an awesome summer romance! Steven gets it, right?”

Steven looks up from where he’s restocking, “Yeah! Summer is like, magic, for romance, right? We got couples getting together all the time when they visited Beach City.” And Lars used to be pretty convinced summer was when he’d find a girlfriend. 

“See?” Mabel points to Steven. “So what are your awesome summer romance plans, Steven? Or do you already have a girlfriend?” Mabel has her hands in front of her, shaking them in excitement.

He does not. Mainly because instead of asking Connie out, he proposed to her.

And now she’s never going to be interested in him. 

Dipper leans over and fails to whisper quietly in Mabel’s ear. “His hair is pink, Mabel, I’m pretty sure he’s gay.” Steven chooses to just ignore that, mainly because he doesn’t know what gay is, or what that has to do with his hair being pink.

“Uh, no. I don’t have a girlfriend. I honestly hadn’t thought about any summer romance stuff. Should I…try to get a girlfriend?”

“Yes! Oh! And Dipper and I can help you! We’ll be like, your wing men! It’ll be fun!” Dipper rolls his eyes, like he doubts Steven’s girlfriend getting abilities. 

Honestly, Steven doubts his girlfriend getting abilities too.

“All right, all right, look alive people! I need someone to go hammer up these signs in the spooky part of the forest.” No one had even noticed Stan coming into the room. 

“Not it!” Dipper shouts out, Mabel quickly repeating him. 

“Yeah, not it.” Steven would really rather not go do that. 

“Also not it.” 

“Nobody asked you Soos.”

“I know, and I’m comfortable with that.” 

“Wendy! I need you to put up this sign!” Stan yells to the other side of the room.

“I would, but.” Wendy makes a motion like she’s pretending to reach for it, without even bending her arm or looking up from her phone, “I..can’t, ugh, reach it.”

“I’d fire all of you if I could. Alright, let’s make it, eeny-meeny-miney…you!” He points to Dipper. 

“Oh, what?” 

Thank goodness. Steven tunes out the rest of the conversation, continuing to stock the shelves. 

"I'm Soos, by the way." The big guy standing on the ladder introduces himself to Steven.

"Oh, yeah, hey. I'm Steven."

"So you're like, Stan's great nephew? Crazy how he has two nephews, and they like, both have kids."

"Ha, yeah..." Is this guy going to make Steven sit through a super long awkward conversation?

------------

The answer was yes. Soos told Steven just about everything there is to know about him, luckily, Steven and Mabel were eventually sent to go find Dipper. They got sidetracked when Mabel went to go flirt with some guy in the cemetery, but she eventually came back, beaming, and they headed off to the forest.

They run into him fairly quickly.

“Hello!” Mabel startles Dipper, causing him to close the weird looking book he’s holding. 

“Whatcha readin? Some nerd thing?”

“Uh, uh, it’s nothing!”

Mabel waves her hands, mocking him. “‘Uh, uh, it’s nothing!’ Are you actually not gonna show me?”

Dipper looks around, nervously glancing at Steven.

“I won’t judge you, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Steven reassures him. 

 Dipper glances around again, before seeming to come to some kind of decision. “Uh…let’s all go somewhere private.” 

They walk back to the house, Dipper constantly glancing around like he thinks he’s being followed. Is he in danger?

Once they get back in the house, Dipper explains.

“It’s amazing! Grunkle Stan thought I was being paranoid, but it turns out Gravity Falls has a secret dark side!” 

“Woooaaah!” Mabel leans over the side of the chair she's sitting in.

Well, that’s a relief. Dipper isn’t in danger, he’s just another Ronaldo. Steven can deal with crazy conspiracies. Although… aliens exist. That's what Steven is. What if what’s in Dipper’s journal is real? 

If it doesn’t turn out to be gem related, maybe it could be fun? Like going back to when he was just battling monsters. He has to make sure they don’t find out he’s a gem, but he can totally fight monsters without his powers. And besides, Dipper is just talking about investigating the paranormal, it shouldn’t ever actually get to the point where they need to fight someone. 

Just then the doorbell rings. 

“Welp. Guess the cat’s out of the bag! This girl has a date!” That actually worked? Didn’t Mabel run off earlier to try and convince a guy to date her because they were both wearing sweaters? He wasn’t even wearing a sweater, it was just a hoodie. 

“So, let me get this straight. In the half hour I was gone, you already found a boyfriend?” Dipper seems to be equally surprised. 

“What can I say? I’m irresistible!” Mabel pushes her fingers into her cheeks and makes a weird motion with her head. 

Dipper looks at Steven with raised eyebrows, as if asking what happened, Steven just shrugs, because he has no idea. 

Mabel runs off to answer the bell. “Coming!” 

“Whatcha readin' there, kids?” Grunkle Stan turns around the corner, entering the living room.

“Oh, we were just catching up on, uh,” Dipper pulls out the nearest magazine and holds it in front of them. 

“Gold chains for old men magazine?” Steven reads out. 

“That’s a good issue. Good to see you two bonding.” Grunkle Stan comes over to lean against the chair Dipper’s sitting in. 

“Heyyy familyyy! Say hello to my new boyfriend!” Mabel shouts from the living room entryway. Said boyfriend turns around, slowly and kind of creepily. He's giving Steven really bad vibes.

“Sup.” They all return a greeting. 

“We met at the cemetery, he’s really deep.” Mabel touches his arm, “Oh! Little muscle there, that’s…hah, what a surprise…” 

“So, what’s your name?” Dipper asks.

“Uh…Normal. Man?” Yeah, Steven’s not sure this guy is human. Definitely not a gem though. 

“He means Norman.” Steven’s gotta appreciate Mabel’s dedication to this whole having a boyfriend thing, because even Steven knows that’s not what he said. 

“Are you bleeding, Norman?” He’s definitely not, Steven’s seen plenty of blood and plenty of jam, and he just still has jam on his face. 

“It’s jam!” Norman says.

“Oh! I love jam! Look at this!”   Mabel gestures between herself and Norman.

“So, you wanna go hold hands, or whatever?” Norman asks her.

“Absolutely!”Mabel shouts.

Mabel calls behind herself, “Don’t wait up!” 

“Uh, so,” Steven looks over at Grunkle Stan. He feels bad leaving him out, but Dipper doesn’t seem to trust him with this, and Steven still needs to prove to Dipper he can be trusted. “Want to look at that thing in our room?” 

Dipper seems to have caught on to what Steven was saying because he follows him up to the attic. 

“Okay, you heard that too? Right?” Dipper starts, “He called himself ‘Normal Man’.” 

“Yeah, definitely not something you do if you’re actually a normal man.” Steven would know, he makes a ton of awkward slip ups like that.

“And did you see his appearance? The ripped clothes, the blood on his face.” Those could still have normal explanations. 

Maybe.

“I do think that one might have actually been jam. And it’s possible he just doesn’t have very many clothes. But, the cemetery. That’s not really a normal place to just be hanging out, I’m pretty sure.”

“It’s definitely not.” Well, at least Steven knows some human things. 

“Maybe we should consult the journal?” Steven suggests.

And that’s how they came to the conclusion that Norman was a zombie. 

And discovered that zombies are often mistaken for teenagers. Steven wonders if Lars would find that funny or not. 

Probably not. 

“Is my sister really dating a zombie? Or are we just going crazy?” Dipper asks.

“It’s a dilemma for sure.” Dipper and Steven both jump, turning to see Soos working on the light. 

“I couldn’t help but overhear you two talking.” Soos tells them.

“Soos, you’ve seen Mabel’s boyfriend, he’s gotta be a zombie, right?” Dipper turns to talk to Soos.

“How many brains have you seen him eat?” Soos asks him.

Dipper sighs, “Zero.”

“Look man, I believe you, like the mailman, pretty sure he’s a werewolf. But you’ve gotta have evidence, otherwise everyone will think you guys are major league cuckoo clocks.” 

“We could follow him?” Steven suggests.

“That’s it! And record everything he does!” Dipper agrees.

And that’s how Steven and Dipper spend the day following Mabel and Norman and recording their whole date. 

Steven feels kind of bad, honestly. What if Dipper finds out Steven isn’t human? Is he going to have to leave? Will he no longer have this connection to his human family? What if Norman isn't human, but he's also not a threat?

But what if Norman really is a threat? And Steven just did nothing, giving him the benefit of the doubt? Is it unfair to not let Norman explain himself first? Steven gives everyone else the benefit of the doubt.

But that doesn't always turn out well, and Mabel is human.

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Dipper bursts through the bedroom door, Steven awkwardly following behind.

“Mabel, we’ve gotta talk about Norman.” Dipper tells her.

“Isn’t he amazing? Check out this giant smooch mark he gave me!” She turns her cheek to present a giant red sore, that's perfectly round, causing Dipper to freak out. 

Mabel laughs, “Gullible, it was just an accident with the leaf blower. That was fun.” …How?

“No, Mabel! We’re trying to tell you that Norman is not what he seems!” Dipper shouts.

Mabel gasps, then mock whispers, “You think he might be a vampire? That would be so awesome!” 

“Don’t vampires die in sunlight? I’m pretty sure I remember Connie telling me that.” Steven asks. Mabel looks at him when he says Connie, and gets a weird look in her eyes. Like she’s plotting or something. 

“They do die in sunlight, that’s why Norman is a zombie!” And now Mabel is back to fully focusing on Dipper. 

“A zombie? That is not funny, Dipper.” 

“I’m not joking, it all adds up, the bleeding, the limp, he never blinks! Remember what the book said Mabel, Trust. No one.” Steven's not sure about that advice. There's plenty of people in the world worth trusting.

“Well what about me? Why can’t you trust me?” Mabel asks him.

“Mabel! He’s gonna eat your brain!” Dipper is really not pleading his case well, Steven needs to step in and help.

“He really does seem sketchy, Mabel. Like, in a not human way.” Steven butts into the conversation. 

“Not you too! Both of you get out! I am going on a date. And I’m going to be adorable . And I’m not going to let another one of Dipper’s crazy conspiracies get in the way!” She pushes them out of the room and slams the door. 

“What are we gonna do?” Dipper slides down the wall.

“You know, maybe she’s right. Maybe Norman is just a normal person, and we were doing this for no reason.” Steven says. Man, he feels bad. He’s only known these cousins a couple days and he’s already screwed up.

Dipper sighs, “I guess you’re right.” He messes with the video camera, “I guess I can be kinda paranoid sometimes and- WAIT WHAT?” 

Dipper rewinds and shows Steven the clip of Norman’s hand falling off and him reattaching it. 

“WE WERE RIGHT WE WERE RIGHT!” Dipper jumps up from where he’s sitting. 

They both rush off to get Grunkle Stan, who is in the middle of giving a tour. He’s arguing with the tourists about a rock that looks like a face. They’re both calling his name but he won’t respond. 

“Forget it, come on!” Steven grabs Dipper’s arm and rushes off to the Dondai. 

“Quick! Get in!” Steven jumps in the car, and as soon as Dipper’s door is closed, he’s slamming on the gas. 

They drive as fast as the Dondai lets them through the woods, narrowly avoiding hitting any of the trees. 

Suddenly, they hear Mabel scream, and Steven turns the car slightly to head in that direction. 

“Don’t worry Mabel, we’ll save you from that zombie!” Dipper shouts. 

As they close in on the sound, they spot Mabel.

…Surrounded by tiny men with no torso?

“The more you struggle, the more awkward this is gonna be for everybody.” The tiny man furthest from Mabel says. He’s standing on a rock and seems to be directing the rest of the men in kidnapping Mabel. 

“Just,” the tiny man laughs, “Okay, just get her arm there, Steve.”

“Agh! Let go of me!” Mabel has one of the tiny men, likely Steve, attached to her arm. He seems to be holding on to her sweater with his teeth.

What in the cosmos? 

Mabel begins punching and kicking the tiny men, getting them away from her. 

“What the hell is goin’ on here?” One of the tiny men hisses at Dipper in response. 

“Mabel, are you okay?” Steven asks, nudging some of the tiny men away with his feet. 

“Norman turned out to be a bunch of gnomes! And they’re total jerks!” I mean… at least he wasn’t a zombie? 

“What in the cosmos is a gnome?” Steven asks. Everyone gives him a funny look, even the gnomes. Are gnomes supposed to be common sense or something? 

“Huh, we were way off.” Dipper opens his book and flips through the pages. “Gnomes. Little men of the Gravity Falls forest. Weaknesses: Unknown.” 

“Oh, come on!” Mabel shouts, as she’s being tied down by the tiny gnomes. 

Steven picks up a couple of the gnomes, tossing them aside, and releasing Mabel, before picking up her and Dipper, and quickly throwing them in the car. 

“Seat belts!” Dipper reminds everyone.

Steven slams on the gas. “What did those guys want with you?” He swerves through the forest, brushing past a ton of trees. His paint job is definitely ruined after this.  

“They were going to make me marry them. Blegh!” Steven can see Mabel stick out her tongue from the rear view mirror. “Hurry before they come after us!” 

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” Dipper pipes up, “You see their little legs? Suckers are tiny.” 

They hear loud stomping in the distance, causing Steven to swerve and almost crash, before getting back on course. Dipper and Mabel turn in their seats to look out the back window. Steven checks out the rear view mirror. 

Is that a giant gnome, made of gnomes? 

I mean, cool. 

But also, oh no. 

“Come back with our Queen!” One of the gnomes shouts, as it chases after them. 

“It’s getting closer!” Mabel shouts. 

“I know! I’m driving as fast as I can! If I go any faster we’ll crash into the trees!” Steven is going a hundred and ten miles an hour, it’s a miracle they haven’t crashed already. 

“Then just don’t hit any trees!” Easier said than done, Dipper. Steven blazes past a huge branch that pulls the mirror off his passenger side. 

The giant gnome starts throwing gnomes at them, which begin scratching up the car, and banging on the windows, one of them smashes through the window next to Dipper, and latches onto his face. 

“I’ll save you Dipper!” Mabel shouts, before punching him in the face repeatedly, causing the gnome to fly off and out of the window, along with Dipper’s hat. 

The giant gnome throws a tree at them, causing Steven to swerve and slam on his brakes. 

The car spins multiple times before landing on it’s side. 

“Is everyone okay?” Steven asks, jumping out of the car to retrieve his cousins. 

“Yeah, we’re fine.” Dipper brushes glass off himself, he definitely has a few scratches, but nothing too serious. If it was anything major, Steven would heal it. 

But, well. 

Steven’s not sure he wants them to know he’s magic.

The giant gnome catches up to them, looming over them. 

“Uh…where’s Grunkle Stan?” Dipper asks, sounding genuinely terrified. Right. This is super not normal for human kids. Steven should probably be scared too. 

But he’s in fight mode. And someone has to be calm and able to find a solution. 

Plus, he’s fought way worse than a bunch of gnomes.

“It’s the end of the line, kids. Mabel, marry us before we do something crazy!” 

Steven’s trying to think of something he can throw at them. 

The car?

No, that would give him away. 

He grabs the trash can, a leaf blower that was sitting besides it falling in front of Mabel when he grabs it. He lifts the trash can over his head and chucks it at the gnomes. 

It barely makes a difference. They quickly just get back in formation. 

“There’s gotta be a way out of this.” Dipper whispers. 

“I gotta do it.” Mabel steps forward. 

“What?!” Dipper and Steven both say at the same time. 

Stars above, he’s actually going to have to use his powers, isn’t he?

“Mabel! Don’t do this! Are you crazy?” Dipper steps in front of her. 

“Trust me.” She whispers to them.

“What?” Dipper whispers back.

“Dipper, just this once…Trust me.” Does she have a plan? Steven really hopes so. He’ll let this play out, trust her on this, unless it goes sideways. 

Dipper puts up his hands, stepping away from Mabel. Steven follows suit. 

“All right, Jeff, I’ll marry you.” Where is she going with this?

“Hot Dog! Help me down there, Jason, thanks. Andy, left foot, there we go. Watch those fingers Mike.” The gnome, apparently named Jeff, climbs down from the top of the giant gnome. 

He walks in front of Mabel and holds an open box with a ring in it. “Ehh? Ehh?” He points to the ring. 

Mabel holds out her hand, letting him put the ring on her finger. 

“Badda bing! Badda Bam! Now let's get you back into the forest, honey!” Absolutely not. Steven clenches his fist, ready to just fight these guys himself. 

“You may now… kiss the bride.” Mabel says as the gnome is headed away from her. 

“Well, uh, don’t mind if I do!” He puckers his lips, and Steven moves forward to grab him. 

Mabel pulls out a leaf blower, and turns it on, aiming it at Jeff. 

“Hey, wait a minute!” Jeff screams, as the leaf blower pulls him in.

“Woah, w-what’s going on?” The gnome gets pulled into the leaf blower. 

“That’s for lying to me!” Mabel shouts. “That's for breaking my heart!” She turns the switch on the leaf blower, causing it to suck the gnome even further into it.

“Ow my face!” The gnome cries.

“And this is for messing with my brother and my cousin!” She aims the leaf blower at the giant gnome. 

“Wanna do the honors?” She asks Dipper, who is standing beside her now. 

“On three! One! Two! Three!” They launch Jeff at the rest of the gnomes, causing them all to go tumbling down. 

“I’ll get you back for this!” Jeff shouts as he flies off into the distance. 

“Who’s giving orders? I need orders!” One of the toppled gnomes cries. 

Mabel turns on the leaf blower, aiming it at the gnomes and pushing them away. 

“Anyone else want some?” Dipper asks. He has his arms crossed and he’s smirking. 

Steven smiles. Maybe there's nothing to worry about. Dipper and Mabel can take care of themselves, and Steven’s plenty helpful without relying on his powers. 

Maybe things will turn out well this summer. 

They begin walking into the Mystery Shack. 

“Hey, Dipper, Steven. I, um, I’m sorry for ignoring your advice. You guys really were just looking out for me.” Mabel doesn’t make eye contact as she apologizes. 

“Hey, don’t worry about it. You wanted to have an awesome summer romance. You’ll get that next time.” Steven assures her.

“Yeah, don’t be like that, you saved our butts back there!” Dipper adds.

“Yeah.. I guess I’m just sad my first boyfriend turned out to be a bunch of gnomes.” Mabel sighs.

“Look on the bright side! Maybe the next one will be a vampire!” Dipper tells her. 

“Or maybe you can try to stick to less dangerous boyfriends?” Steven adds. 

“Aww, Steven… I think I’d prefer the vampire.” Mabel tells him. 

“Awkward sibling hug?” Dipper suggests.

“With Steven here, I think it's awkward cousins hug.” 

“Oh, uh, I’m okay.” Steven doesn’t want them to include him in their hug just because he’s there. 

“Get in here!” Mabel says, pulling Steven into a hug. They both pat him and each other on the back. 

“Pat, pat.” 

He sees why it’s called an awkward hug.

They walk through the front door of the shop. Grunkle Stan is counting money at the register. 

“Yeesh. You kids get hit by a bus or somethin’?” Grunkle Stan laughs.

Steven gives him an awkward smile, while Dipper and Mabel continue on their trek to the room, not acknowledging him. 

“Uh..hey!” Grunkle Stan stops them. “Would-Wouldn’t you know it? I accidentally overstocked some inventory, so, uh, how’s about each of you, take one item from the gift shop? On the house, you know?” 

“Really?” Mabel says, putting her hands together.

“Oh, okay, thanks!” Steven tells him.

“What’s the catch?” Dipper asks.

“The catch is do it before I change my mind. Now take somethin’.” 

Dipper chooses a hat with a pine tree on it. “Hm. That oughta do the trick.”

“And I will have a…” Mabel reaches into a cardboard box, “Grappling hook!” She lifts her item into the air. “Yes!”

“Wouldn’t you rather have, like, a doll or something?” Grunkle Stan asks.

Mabel uses the grappling hook to pull herself onto the rafters. “Grappling hook!” 

“Fair enough!” Grunkle Stan says.

Steven chooses a scrunchie with little spaceships printed on it, and a tiny alien face charm. It’s black, with a green glow in the dark printing. 

“Oh! That’s so cute Steven!” Mabel complements. 

“Thanks, Mabel.” 

It reminds him of Peridot, and he’ll probably give it to her when he gets home. But for now, it’s a little reminder of his friend while he’s so far away. 

-------------

Back in the room, they get ready for bed.

“Hey Mabel, could you get the light?” Dipper asks. 

“I’m on it!" She pulls out her grappling hook, and breaks the lamp. “It worked!” She throws her hands in the air in triumph. 

Dipper and Mabel both laugh. 

They remind Steven of when he was younger, before everything with the cluster and the diamonds. 

Yeah, this is going to be much better than a road trip. 

Thanks Dad. 

Chapter Text

When Steven wakes up Dipper and Mabel are already downstairs. He takes a minute to just be alone for a second, before getting dressed and heading downstairs. 

“Hey, Steven! Check this out!” Dipper turns the newspaper he’s holding. Making sure to point to the page about a monster photo contest. 

“Woah. Are you going to try and take a picture of something out in the woods?” That could be fun, they could tape cameras all over the place, and then snap pictures of all sorts of things. 

“Absolutely! I think we should head out after breakfast. Do some investigating.” Dipper folds his arms and leans them on the back of his chair, like he’s trying to look cool, but just isn’t big enough to not make the move silly. 

“Good mornin’ knuckleheads! You three know what day it is?” Grunkle Stan enters the kitchen, still in his underwear. 

“Um…happy…anniversary?” Dipper tries.

“Mazel tov!” Mabel shouts while throwing her hands in the sky.

“Shouldn’t you be with your wife right now?” Steven snickers. 

Grunkle Stan hits Dipper over the head with a newspaper. “It’s family fun day, genius!” 

“We’re cuttin’ off work and havin’ one of those, ya know, bonding type deals.” Grunkle Stan digs through the fridge while he talks. 

“Hey, now we can submit pictures of Grunke Stan for the monster contest.” Steven smirks, nudging Mabel, who snickers. 

“Grunkle Stan, is this gonna be anything like our last family bonding day?” Dipper asks, sounding accusatory. 

“Oh, the county jail was so cold.” Mabel shivers. 

What happened last family bonding day? Did they like, break something out of a zoo? 

“I would like to request that I do not end up in jail, please. I don’t have a birth certificate.” Steven could only imagine the nightmare fiasco that would be. Garnet would probably have to come bail him out, and she’d be super disappointed. 

Or proud. Depending on what got him in jail. 

But his cover would be blown, he’s not sure he could pass off Garnet as human to his cousins who are investigating the paranormal. 

“You don’t have a birth certificate?” Dipper asks him, sounding confused. 

“Uh, no. My mom wasn’t really… from here, you know? It wasn’t like she could get citizenship, and documenting me would mean explaining her , so I just don’t have any legal papers.” Steven shrugs. 

“But, then how do you have a car?!” Mabel sounds genuinely worried. 

“It’s in my dad’s name. I don’t need a license if I never get pulled over.” 

“Hah! I can see why Greg thought I would be the best influence for you!” Grunkle Stan laughs. 

“Well…What about school?” Mabel asks, “How did you go to school?”

“I didn’t? Guys, this really isn’t that big of a deal. My mom wasn’t a citizen, and people knowing she was here could cause problems for her and her family. So I’m just also not a citizen.” 

Why is everyone giving him the sad eyes? 

“Ah, kid. Don’t worry about it. School sucks ass, y’aint missin’ nothin’.” Grunkle Stan assures him. He’s not totally convinced, Connie loves school, and it’s where she meets all her other friends. 

“So…family fun day?” Steven asks awkwardly, trying to change the topic. 

“Yes! Maybe I haven’t been the best caretaker, but I swear, today we’re gonna have some real family fun!” Thankfully, Stan accepts the topic change. 

“Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car?!” 

Grunkle Stan you are a walking red flag. 

------------

They did not wear the blindfolds. The twins were actually willing to wear them, but Steven was not on board with that idea. 

Which is good, because Grunkle Stan drives like a crazy person. There’s no way there’s that many bumps in the road, what is he even hitting? 

Signs, now. 

Grunkle Stan drives off the road, hits a sign directing them to go left , and drives off a small cliff. 

What. The. Stars. 

Steven feels better about his driving now. 

“Here we are!” Grunkle Stan gestures, getting out of the car. 

“Ta-da! It’s fishin’ season!” Grunkle Stan is standing under a sign that reads ‘FISHING SEASON OPENING DAY’. There are various people in the lake behind him in small boats. 

“Huh. I don’t think I’ve ever been fishing. Sounds fun.” Technically Steven fished when he was with Jasper, but that was very different. 

“Um, no. It does not.” Dipper crosses his arms, glaring out at the lake. 

“Yeah, fishing sounds kinda lame.” Mabel adds. 

“It’ll be great! Quality family bonding!” Grunkle Stan watches the other people in the lake as they…sort of fish? Steven’s pretty sure one lady is holding a frying pan. 

“Grunkle Stan, why do you wanna bond with us all of a sudden?” Dipper asks. 

“Come on, this is gonna be great! I’ve never had fishin’ buddies before, the guys from the lodge won’t go with me. They don’t ‘like or trust’ me” Grunkle Stan makes finger quotes when saying the last part. 

Steven can’t help himself from laughing. 

“Hey, I know what’ll make this better!” Grunkle Stan pulls out three hats like the one he’s wearing. 

One of the hats says Dippy, one is Mabel with a backwards E, and one says Stephen. 

Steven’s a bit embarrassed that he’s short enough for Grunkle Stan to easily place the hat on his head. 

“Pines family fishing hats! That’s hand stitching’, ya know.” Steven ignores the fact that he isn’t technically a Pines. 

He smiles at Grunkle Stan, “Thanks.” 

“It’s just gonna be you, me, and those goofy hats on a boat for ten hours!” 

“Ten hours?” Dipper says.

“Yeah, Grunkle Stan, I don’t know about it being that long. Can’t it just be one or two?” Steven asks.

“Yeah! Won’t it get like, dark?” Mabel adds.

“And I’m sure we’ll all get tired after a couple hours.” Steven pleads. 

“Oh, come on. I brought the joke book!” Grunkle Stan dangles a book in front of them. 

“No, no!” Dipper shouts. 

“There has to be a way out of this.” Mabel whispers to them. 

“I seen it! I seen it again!” An old man shouts, pushing people out of his way. 

“The Gravity Falls gobblewonker! Come quick before it scramdoodles away!” The old man shouts, before slapping his knees and rocking on his feet. 

“Aw, he’s doing a happy jig.” Mabel gestures to the man.

The man grabs her shoulder, “No!!! It’s a jig of grave danger!” 

“Hey! Hey!” A man walks out of the building behind them. “Now, what did I tell you about scaring my customers?” He sprays the old man with a spray bottle. 

“This is your last warning, dad.” Yikes, he’s spray bottling his dad?

“But I got proof this time by gummity!” The old man walks over to the end of the bridge, everyone following behind him. 

“Behold!” He points to a broken boat. “It’s gobbledywonker what darn did it! It had a long neck like a gee-raffe! And wrinkly skin like. Like this gentleman right here.” The old man points to Grunkle Stan, who is picking his ear. 

“Huh?” 

“It chopped my boat up to smitheroons! It shim-shammed over to Scuttlebutt Island! You gotta believe me!” 

“Attention all units, we got ourselves a crazy old man.” A police officer in a nearby boat says, causing everyone around him to laugh. Steven feels really bad for the old man. 

“Well, that happened.” Grunkle Stan steps into his boat. “Now, let’s untie this boat and get out on that lake!”

“Guys, did you hear what that old dude said?” Dipper turns to Mabel and Steven. 

“Aw, donkey spittle!” Mabel impersonates, causing Steven to laugh. 

“The other thing, about the monster. If we can snag a photo of it, we could split the prize and each get one third!” 

“Woah!” Mabel says. 

“Imagine what you could do with three hundred and something dollars.” Steven’s pretty sure he has more than that in his wallet right now, but he’s not about to admit that and ruin this for them. 

“Dipper, I am one million percent on board with this!” Mabel flaps her hands. 

“Absolutely.” Steven agrees. They can stay pretty far away and not get hurt, since they’re just taking a picture. 

“Grunkle Stan, change of plans. We’re taking that boat to Scuttlebutt Island, and we are gonna find that gobblewonker!” Dipper leans down, putting his arm over Grunkle Stan's shoulder. 

“Monster hunt! Monster hunt!” Dipper and Mabel both chant. 

Grunkle Stan only looks annoyed. 

“You know… a good picture of that monster, and family bonding day can win us a thousand dollars.” Steven attempts. 

Grunkle Stan turns to them, now grinning. “Well, why didn’t you say that? Let’s go find that gobble hooker!” 

“Gobblewonker. And now we’re splitting the money too much.” Dipper crosses his arms, like two hundred and fifty just isn’t enough money for a twelve year old. 

“Yeah, guess a gobble hooker would be a pretty different thing.” Grunkle Stan mumbles. He then straightens his chest and talks in his obnoxious ‘I’m in command’ voice. “How about whoever takes the best picture, the one we submit, gets fifty perfect, the others split the rest.  Make it a competition.” 

“You’re on, old man.” Dipper steps into the boat, jabbing his finger at Grunkle Stan. 

“Yes! Then I can get my human sized hamster ball!” Mabel jumps down into the boat, causing it to rock. 

Steven steps into the boat. “Not if I take that picture.” 

Chapter Text

“All right, so, we’ve got a bunch of cameras. That way, if anything happens to one, we have a bunch more!” Dipper handed out cameras to everyone on the boat. 

“This is going to be so fun! I’m so glad you decided to come with us, Grunkle Stan!” Steven tells him. 

“Yeah, well, anything for money, am I right?!” Grunkle Stan jeers, elbowing Steven. “And, well, it’s nice ta spend time with ya kids. That was the main point of today, after all.” 

“Aww, don’t get all sappy on us old man!” Mabel grins. 

“Hey, I am not old!” 

Suddenly the boat abruptly crashes into an island. 

“Oh, shit. Someone was supposed to be steering this thing.” Grunkle Stan hops out and takes a look at the ruined boat. 

“I think that someone was you, Grunkle Stan.” Dipper gets out of the boat cautiously, and trips over the side, landing face first in the sand. “Are we stranded now?” 

“Cool! We can have like, a super fun island adventure, like in Dad’s show he loves!” Mabel jumps out of the boat, landing on Dipper’s back, pushing his face back into the sand. 

“Yeah, till we get eaten by bears.” 

“Now Dipper, there’s no need to be a negative Nancy. You can just be a regular Nancy, or even a positive one!” Mabel gets off her brother’s back, helping him to his feet. 

“Also I’m preeeetty sure bears don’t live on islands.” Pretty sure. Steven at least doesn’t think he’s ever seen a bear on an island. 

“Why don’t we find a place to set up camp, huh? We might be here awhile.” Grunkle Stan suggests. 

“Wait! Before we leave!” Dipper starts writing in the sand. ‘HELP SOS’

“Good idea! That way someone will find us!” Steven starts gathering rocks to place on the letters, so they aren’t as easily blown away. 

“All right, let’s go.” Steven says when they’re both done. 

They walk for about 5 minutes, before they find a decent place with a lot of trees providing shade. 

As they collect wood for the campfire, Mabel starts singing. 

“You are. My fiiiire, my one, desiiire. Believe when I say, we are, all straaanded.” 

Dipper interrupts her. “That’s not the line”

“Tell me why!?” Grunkle Stan belts.

“We’re all on an island.” Mabel gets back into her song. 

“Tell me why?” Steven joins in. He vaguely recognizes the song from a scene in that one cop show Connie likes. 

“Ain’t nothin but boat crash!” 

“Tell me wh- Shit!” Grunkle Stan trips over a tree branch, starting to tumble down a hill, stopping at the entrance to a cave. 

When they catch up to him they can hear strange noises coming from the cave. 

“Do you think that’s the gobblewonker?” Dipper asks, immediately pulling out his camera. 

“It’s gotta be, right? We just have to peek in and snap some pictures real quick, and then we have our entry!” And then they should probably get as far away from this cave as possible. Steven doesn’t have a car he can almost crash this time. 

They all take a small step inside of the cave, and see what looks like a strange water dinosaur. 

Steven snaps a photo, “Great, we’ve got it, let’s go.” 

He looks over at his cousins, who have now wandered closer to the big dinosaur. “Oh for the love of galaxies.” 

Grunkle Stan snorts, but then follows him, as they both catch up with the twins. 

Now that they’re closer, they can see the gobblewonker more clearly, and it seems to be made of metal. The old man from the dock climbs out of the creature’s head. 

“What?” Dipper looks both astonished and disappointed. 

The old man looks over at them. “Aww, fiddlesticks. You found me out.” 

“Wait, why would you warn everyone about a monster you built?” Steven asks, confused. 

“To get my son to pay attention to me! All he sees me as now is some quack.” 

“Hah! Quack, like ducks.” Mabel laughs to herself. 

“So you…built a robot?” Grunkle Stan asks. 

“I sure as hootin did! But you ain’t gonna tell no one about it.” The man steps towards Dipper menacingly. 

Steven grabs the man and pulls him quickly away from Dipper. “I completely agree!” Steven says in a cheery voice, trying to mimic White’s ‘everything is going to go my way’ vibe. “We will just leave, and not tell anyone about this! And you can go back to…” Steven looks around at the weird cave, “Whatever it is you’re doing.” 

“Well that’s alright with me!” The weird man says. 

Steven puts the man down and they all leave the cave as quickly as possible. 

When they get out, Steven notices something across the other side of the cave. “Hey guys, how far away is this island supposed to be from the nearest shore?” 

“Oh, I don’t know, it could be miles.” Dipper tells him. “Why?”

“Because I think I see it, and it looks like maybe ten feet of water between it and the island.” Steven points in front of him.

“Holy shit, really?” Grunkle Stan says, moving to look where Steven is looking. 

---------------

After getting back to the mystery shack, Dipper was looking dejectedly at the table full of their now soaked cameras. “Guess we don’t have a submission after all.” 

“Aww man, I was really looking forward to that hamster ball.” Mabel pouts. 

That gives Steven an idea, “What if we made you one? There’s gotta be a ton of leftover plastic, I know I used to find plastic bottles all over the beach at home.” 

“Yeah! We could ask around, and see if anyone has any empty bottles they could give us!” Dipper suggests. 

As it turns out, there were a lot of empty bottles from everyone fishing all day, and after lots of cutting up bottles, using a hair dryer to melt the plastic, and hot glue to keep it all together, they discovered that it was not a good idea after all. The ball would instantly fall apart as soon as someone tried moving it. 

But, Mabel and Dipper were both looking much happier, so Steven counted that as a win. 

Chapter Text

Steven stands in front of the thrones on homeworld. The diamonds look down on him with furious expressions on their faces. 

“Are you happy with yourself Starlight? Is this what you wanted?” White smiles down at him in her condescending tone. 

“Do you think this little trip is worth it?” Yellow glares at him. 

“Worth ruining them? Destroying their lives so you can play human?” Blue’s eyes water, and tears begin to spill down Steven’s face. 

Pearl walks out from behind him, she seems disappointed, and can’t meet his eyes. “You were supposed to disappear, leave everyone’s lives.” 

“Instead you’re making more people deal with you, being a burden to us wasn’t enough?” Garnet steps up next to Pearl, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. 

“Why are you still here Steven?” Amethyst pops up from behind him, placing her hands on his shoulders. 

“Why are you still alive?” Connie steps into view, her arms crossed. Of course she’d hate him, she should. 

He does. 

“I’m sorry! I was going to! I swear! That was the point of the road trip! I could be by myself, and if I spent a few weeks aimlessly wandering, then they’d back off, and I could do it!” 

----------------

Steven wakes up to a sharp pain in his arm, and looks down to see his nails shifted into pink claws and digging into his other arm. He pulls his hand away and watches as blood drips from his arm. He needs to get this cleaned up before anyone sees. 

He sneaks out of the room and over to the bathroom. After kissing his arm to heal it, he runs it under hot water, making sure to get any traces of blood off. 

Staring in the mirror, he thinks back to what he said in his dream. That wasn’t… actually why he wanted to go on the road trip.

Was it? 

Was he subconsciously planning to lull everyone into a false sense of security just so he could kill himself? 

No. Of course not. He just…

He doesn’t know. 

Walking back to his bed, he keeps thinking about his arm. That felt good . Like he was finally being treated the way he deserved, finally being punished for what he’s done. 

He shifts his hand back into claws, slowly tracing down the sides of his arm, making small cuts along the way. 

This isn’t a good idea, right?

Of course not, he shouldn’t be doing this. Stars, what is he doing? 

He quickly kisses his arm, healing the cuts, and leaves the bathroom. 

Returning to the room, he notices Mabel and Dipper are up, and arguing with each other for some reason. 

“I am not letting you dress me up, and then put makeup on me! This guy is a big deal! And he’s only going to be in town tonight! I need to make a good impression! A cool one, that says I’d make an awesome paranormal investigation partner! Not that I’m a clown who lets his sister glue glitter to his face.” Dipper is pacing back and forth, swinging his arms as he talks. 

“Ugh, fine!” Mabel turns around, spotting him as he sits on his bed. “Hey, Steven! Do you want to play makeovers with me?” Mabel turns toward him, a huge grin on her face. 

“Uh…sure.” He usually loves makeovers, they’re one of his favorite things, but the way her grin got wider, Mabel was up to something. “So, uh, who’s coming into town tonight that has you so excited, Dipper?” 

“Only the best supernatural investigator you’ve ever seen! He had this blog called ‘Keep Beach City Weird’, and now he’s doing a series called ‘Keep Everywhere Weird’. He’s gonna be checking out the Mystery Shack! I’ll get to meet him in person ! I might even convince him to stay just a bit longer, and we can investigate something in the woods!” 

Wait, Ronaldo’s coming here? Steven needs to get out of the shop before he shows up and accidentally reveals to his cousins that he isn’t fully human. 

“That’s super cool, Dipper.” 

----------------

Makeovers, as it turns out, are not very simple with Mabel. As soon as Dipper left, presumably to stalk around the shop waiting for Ronaldo, Mabel dragged Steven to the nearest town with a mall. 

That’s certainly one way to get far away from Ronaldo. 

“Oh! I know, you could try and go for like, a bad boy aesthetic. We could get you some band t-shirts!” 

“I’m currently wearing a band t-shirt.” 

“Really? Well, we’ll have to get you more. Oh! And black ripped jeans! All the bad boys wear black ripped jeans.” 

“I’m okay with the black, but maybe just normal, non ripped jeans?” Why is he letting her dress him again?

“Ugh, fine. But we are going to stop by Sephora and get you eyeliner. We need to have you looking super cool and attractive so we can find you a girlfriend!” Steven’s not sure he’s looking forward to the matchmaking part of this. 

By the end of the trip, Steven had 2 pairs of black jeans, a pair of black boots, 3 Queen shirts, a Presidents of the United States of America shirt and a Foo Fighters shirt. 

Steven’s honestly surprised being dressed by Mabel resulted in practically no color in his clothing, especially considering all the colorful yarn she got to make herself more sweaters. 

When they got back to town, Mabel convinced him to change into one of his new outfits. Throwing on the jeans, shoes, and one of the Queen shirts, he goes to the bathroom to apply his eyeliner. 

Once satisfied with his makeup, he goes downstairs to show Mabel, finding her in the shop talking to Dipper and. 

Planets, he forgot about Ronaldo. 

“Steven!? Dude, you look so cool, love the new look.” 

“Uh, hey, Ronaldo. What’s up?” 

“Wait! You know him!” Dipper looks about to burst with excitement. 

“Yeah, uh, Ronaldo, these are my cousins, Dipper and Mabel.” Steven gestures to them both. 

“Must be pretty cool for you that your cousin knows a celebrity, huh?” Ronaldo asks Dipper. 

“Celebrity?” Steven asks.

“Yeah, you didn’t hear? I’ve got over ten thousand subscribers now.” Oh boy. How much of his content is about and or caused by Steven again? 

“Wow, so cool to have grown up next to a famous videoblogger.” Stars, Ronaldo doesn’t deserve all this sarcasm. Steven just can’t deal with him right now. 

Ronaldo seems to have sensed the sarcasm, because he turns to Dipper, “You know, I’ve been working on this project for a long time, trying to track down this big conspiracy. There’s these sentient rock people, and they abduct you and take your form. The way to tell they’re a rock person, or rockerson, is the rock embedded in their bodies, and their colorful hair.” He says the last part while overdramatically looking over Steven’s pink hair. 

“Cool hair, by the way, Steven. I hadn’t even known you liked pink.” Fuck. You. Ronaldo. 

“Everyone knows I like pink, Ronaldo, I wore a pink shirt the first fourteen years of my life.” 

“The pink hair is new?” Dipper asks, interrupting Steven and Ronaldo’s staring contest. “When did you dye it?” 

“Yes, Steven, when did you dye your hair pink?” 

“A couple of months ago. Look, Dipper, Ronaldo isn’t a serious paranormal investigator, he has a picture of me with finger puppets that claim they’re my actual fingers.” Okay, Steven knows it’s a low blow, but Steven can’t have Dipper knowing he’s half alien, let alone thinking he’s secretly evil. So he’ll just have to think Ronaldo’s a liar. Or insane, which he is.

“How. Dare. You?” Ronaldo steps closer to him, getting into his face before turning towards Dipper. “Don’t trust him. He’s a shapeshifter. He’s not your cousin, he’s a monster.” 

Ronaldo gets pulled back out of Steven’s face, by a guy who is tall and lanky, with a black hoodie and smudged eyeliner. He’s not very strong, so he’s more like pulling on his arm slightly, but it disrupts Ronaldo enough that he steps away from Steven slightly, and turns to look at this new guy.

“Dude.” The new guy says, “Are you like, some kind of conspiracy psycho or something? Like, get the fuck out of here man. Leave the dude alone before someone calls the asylum to ask if they’re missing a patient.” 

“Fine,” Ronaldo wrenches his arm from the guy’s grip and turns to Dipper, “But I want you to think about what I said.” He then storms out. 

Steven sighs in relief. “Thanks.”

“No problem. I’m Robbie.” Robbie offers his hand for a handshake. “What was that guy’s deal?” 

“Steven.” He smiles at Robbie, reciprocating the handshake. “Ronaldo is just really into conspiracy theories, but he’s always way off. We used to be friends, until he started taking things too far.” 

“Totally get it, old friends can be nuts. Here;” Robbie pulls out a pen and writes his number on Steven’s arm. “Maybe you can come hang with me. Me and my friends do a lot of cool stuff around town or whatever. Shoot me a text if you’re ever feeling up to join.” 

Robbie walks off, going to talk to Wendy who’s been sitting at the front desk watching them the whole time. 

Steven feels his cheeks heating up, and quickly checks the nearest reflective surface, which happens to be a window, to make sure his powers aren’t acting up again. 

They aren’t, it’s just a blush. Probably from embarrassment and totally not from Robbie. Definitely not. 

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Steven steps out onto the roof of the Mystery Shack. The sun is setting and it looks beautiful from up high. 

He pulls out his phone, hitting call on his dad’s contact. 

“Hey sctuball, how’s it going?”

“Good! Everything has been going great. Thanks for sending me here, dad.”

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Steven stares into the tv, entranced by the show in front of him. He’d never heard of  ducktective before, but it’s already starting to be one of his favorite shows. 

“This show is amazing! How have I never heard of it before?” Steven asks his cousins. The three of them are sitting cross legged on the floor in front of the television. 

“I know!” Mabel throws her arms into the air, “That duck’s a genius!”

“Eh,” Dipper shrugs, “It’s easier to find clues when you’re that close to the ground.”

“Oh! So you must be a master detective, then!” Steven teases. He loves being taller than people, he totally gets why short jokes are fun now. 

“Yeah! I- Hey!” You aren’t even that much taller than me!” Dipper gets up, trying to prove his point. 

“Hey dudes!” Soos slides into the doorway. “You’ll never guess what I found!” 

“Buried treasure!” Dipper exclaims.

“Buried- Hey, I was gonna say that!” Mabel pushes Dipper’s shoulder. 

“Ice cream!” Steven suggests.

Mabel laughs, “Why would it be ice cream?”

“Because you both guessed buried treasure already.” Steven laughs. 

“Nope, not buried treasure or ice cream, follow me.” 

They get up to follow Soos down the hallway. 

“So I was cleaning up when I found this secret door, hidden behind the wallpaper.” Soos shudders. “It’s crazy bonkers creepy.”

Soos opens the door, and they enter to find a room full of sculptures of people. At least, Steven’s pretty sure they’re sculptures, they aren’t moving. 

“Uh, Grunkle Stan didn’t, like, kill people and store them in here, right?” Steven asks.

“Nah,” Dipper assures him, “These are just wax sculptures. They’re a popular tourist attraction…for old people.” 

“They’re so lifelike.” Mabel says, amazed. 

“Except for that one.” Dipper points to the figure he’s shining his flashlight on.

“Hello!” Grunkle Stan shouts, causing everyone to jump back. 

He laughs, “It’s just me, your Grunkle Stan!” They all scream again.

“Behold the Gravity Falls wax museum! It was one of our most popular attractions…” 

“Until you ran out of old people?” Dipper asks.

“Hush it, kid.” Grunkle Stan starts walking past the figures, “We’ve got 'em all, Genghis Khan, Sherlock Holmes, some kind of, I don’t know, goblin man.” 

“He’s got a microphone, maybe he’s a politician. If I’ve learned anything from Mayor Dewey, it’s that politicians love microphones.” Steven suggests, looking at the wax figure. 

“Hah! That and lying!” Grunkle Stan laughs at his joke, continuing further into the room. 

“And now, for my personal favorite, Wax Abraham Lincoln, right over-” Stan cuts himself off, noticing the melted remains of the sculpture. “No! Come on! Who left the blinds open? Wax John Wilkes Booth, I’m looking in your direction!” 

Stan kneels down, touching the melted wax. “How do you fix a wax figure?” 

“I could fix it!” Mabel volunteers. “I’ll make you a new wax figure from all this old wax.” 

“You really think you could make one of these puppies?” Stan asks, pointing to the other figures. 

“Grunkle Stan, I am an arts and crafts master.” 

“Yeah! You make all those sweaters all the time! How hard could sculpting be!” Steven adds.

“Exactly! Why do you think I always have this glue gun stuck to my arm?” Mabel lifts her arm to show a glue gun glued to her sweater. 

Okay, maybe Steven takes back what he said. 

------------------

“Hey Steven!” Mabel greets as he walks by her. “Wanna help me brainstorm ideas for my masterpiece?” She’s sitting on the floor of the living room, and there are papers scattered all over the floor, featuring various drawings. 

“Uh,” Honestly, he’d love to. Really he’d love to do anything other than what he has planned for the day. “I’d love to, Mabel, but I unfortunately already have plans.” 

“Oooh, what plans? Can I come with?” Mabel hops up from her spot on the floor, bouncing on her feet. 

Absolutely not. 

“No, sorry. It’s a…family thing. With my mom’s side. It’s been scheduled for a while so I can’t really get out of it.” And believe him, he’s tried. He can’t even remember what this meeting is about, which is very not good. He needs to be on his best behavior today, so he can come back tonight. Disappearing for a week without any explanation would be pretty hard to explain. 

“Oh! Cool! Where are you going?! What are they like?!” Space. Awful.

“They’re…cool. Kinda strict. And I’m just going a couple towns over. I should be back by tonight or tomorrow morning.” He will, in fact, be driving a couple towns over, to the nearest warp pad. 

“Look, Mabel, I have to go if I’m going to get there on time, but I’ll see you later, alright? Have fun with your sculpture, I know it’ll look amazing.” 

He gets to his car, which takes four tries to actually start. He really needs to get this thing fixed. Maybe he’ll have a mechanic take a quick look when he gets back to Earth. For now, he has some diamonds to kiss up to. 

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Would y'all be annoyed if I rewrote this? I haven't had the motivation for updating, and the updates are so scarce because I kind of rushed the beginning chapters. I didn't want to take to long to get to the actual crossover but now I feel like I don't know how to explain my world building that I had wanted to start with. The intention for this was that this version of Steven had a darker story than the original. He had to make compromises that he didn't want to in order to protect the gems. It would start with a rewrite of season 5 and Future, and then lead to the point where he gets sent to Gravity Falls.

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Hey guys! If you go to the series option now attached at the bottom here it will take you to the new fic where I'm rewriting this! It's called Wishing to be Human and it's going to go a lot more off script and follow more of my original plan for this story. Thank you all for the wonderful support and I'm so so sorry it's taken this long.