Work Text:
People usually don't like to wait. For example they don't like to wait for their packages to arrive, their results to be announced or wait for friends to come who are late to the their meeting place and more. But I was feeling different from them about that. Actually I liked to wait pretty much. Because waiting was like a breath for me. When I wait, I could have times to think, I could say stop to my rush. This was what I needed in my life which was spending while making effort to be best. For this reason when I went to bus stop after I studied hard in the library, I didn't make a big deal when I noticed there was 15 minutes to my bus arrive.
I sat on the bench, put on my headphones, chose a song from my favorite playlist and allowed to think about what I tried not to think. My thoughts was like ''Will I have energy to draw somethings when I arrive home or will I finish my song that I write for Christmas? Would Pat who inspired me to write these lyrics like my song? If he likes, would he pet my hair and would I have to act like I don't like this? Maybe he wouldn't care, go to Ink's side and smile with all his beauty.''
In fact, Pat's smile was similar with my favorite things in life for me. His smile was like chopsticks which are exactly same length. Like a clean and tidy home. Like I saw by chance my favorite quote on social media or I smelled my mom's delicious foods from my room. His smile was like my guitar and his smile was more. Suddenly I felt uneasy. Would Ink see similarity between his favorite things and Pat's smile too?
Pat. Pat. Pat. My mind was filled with him again. This was why I couldn't allow myself to think so much. Because he was always waiting in my mind for me to think him. I guessed he also likes to wait. But he was already everywhere in my life and I was wishing him to leave alone my mind at least.
In the end, I couldn't hear the song that I played a little while ago because of my thoughts and I didn't notice someone sat beside me until my shoulder was poked.
''You missed your bus 5 minutes ago. Do you want to miss next bus too?''
When I turned towards the sound I thought it was reflection of my mind or dream. But it wasn't. Pat was sitting beside me with a smile that I wanted to slap or kiss.
''What are you doing here?''
''I don't know if you remember but we're students in same school and my house is next to yours. This means we use same bus khun Pran.''
''It's been hours since our classes ended.''
''Sometimes I have to borrow books from library too. Although I don't need to study as hard as you to be top of the class.''
I rolled my eyes and tried not to think about why he didn't get on the bus even he saw. Also I didn't want to continue war of words with him. I chose new song from my playlist and tried to forget Pat's existence as far as possible. But of course Pat didn't have any intention to allow that. He pulled one of my headphones and put on his ear.
''You know this is not hygienic, right?''
''I don't usually know such things but it is mine then.'' When he also pulled another one from my ear I slapped his hand. This was my only headphones, of course i wouldn't give him. Fortunately he didn't persist neither. He closed his tired eyes and leaned on wall of bus stop. During that time ''Teardrops On My Guitar'' by Taylor Swift was playing.
After we listened quietly he said, ''These lyrics reminded me of you. Of you and your guitar.'' I was surprised that he paid attention to the lyrics. I felt nervous like he could know that I listened every night since I found relatable things in this song and dreamed about him.
''But this is a love song and you don't have someone to think while you're listening to this song.''
I glared at him but he didn't see since his eyes are closed. ''What made you think that I don't have someone?''
He opened his eyes in rush. ''What? Do you have? Who are them? Why am I just learning this?''
''It is so nice that you think I'll tell you but in your dreams!'' I smiled to him annoyingly, pulled headphone from his ear and I walked towards bus.
If he said this to me, I would listen this song for days and analyze. I would try to find out who he likes. But it was Pat and I knew even he overreacted, he'll forget this when we get the bus.
***
-2 weeks later-
I went out to throw out trash bag after dinner. Of course this was one of the dinners that we only talked about how was results of my exams and were they higher than Pat's results. I was sick of this and I couldn't do anything to stop this. So when I went out I took a deep breath however I just inhaled the smell of trash. I threw out it after checking the bins if they crossed the border. Then I was just about the get home but I saw Pat who surged out of their house. I was preparing myself to any word that Pat could say but he even didn't look into my face and passed by me. I was shocked because the Pat I know would never leave without messing with me. But when I heard his sobs my shock gave way to concern. I've never felt like that before. I started to follow him but he was so fast. It was the first time that he was getting away from me and this terrified me. So I tried to reach with my voice.
''Pat, what happened? Wait a minute.''
''Go away Pran! I can't deal with you right now.'' Normally after I heard this, I would turn away. But Pat was crying and my pride was completely insignificant when it came to him. I couldn't help but worry about him.
In the end Pat slowed down and entered the playground that near our houses. He always seem so strong to me because he liked to exercise and he's been bigger than me since we started high school. But when he sat the bench drainedly he was like a child. He buried his face on his arms like he didn't want me to see his tears. I sat beside him by being thankful that no one was in the playground.
I had to comfort him in any way but I didn't know how. All I've been doing for years with Pat was competing and dissing each other. But at that moment my hands was aching like they want to touch him and calm his stiffed body. I couldn't help myself, i put my hands to his soft, thick hair and caressed slowly. But when I did that Pat didn't relax, on the contrary he started to cry more. I thought maybe this was what he needed. He was always so strong, so joyful. But I knew he was hiding something behind his smile. So sometimes he had to allow himself to be weak. Especially when he was with me. I knew he would be shocked to hear that. But I was thinking like that. He didn't always have to struggle with me, he could also lean on me. In fact, he should has lean on only me.
I didn't know how long I caressed his hair. Even I slowly gained to courage and I ran my fingers through his hair and gently massaged his head. After a while his loud crying quited down and he was sobbing less. He raised his head I guessed he was feeling better but after I saw his face I felt worse than him. His pretty face was wet with tears, his heart-shaped lips were trembling, his fierce eyes were swollen and looking at me wearily and I just wanted protect him from everything or everyone. But when I saw that, when I saw that redness in his left cheek I felt like I'm dying. I didn't even realize I put my hand on his cheek. The moment he felt my touch, he closed his eyes and pressed his face to my hand. I needed to remind myself to take a breath. I was about to cry too because I was feeling swell of his cheek in my palm.
I didn't ask if he is okay. Because he wasn't, obviously... But I wanted to ask what happened, who hurt him this much and what I can do for him. I would fight everything and everyone. I was nobody, I was just a boy but I could be strong for him. But of course I couldn't say or ask. Because probably I could be strong for him but I couldn't be strong against him.
Fortunately he was like he understood me and started to speak instead of me.
''I argued with my dad. No, I should have talked back so I can call it as argue. But how could I talk him back? He kept shouting, he couldn't allow me to speak. Because my exam results are not enough for him. Because I am not in more than one club or sport braches. Because I am not you. Pran, tell me. Why does he always make me feel like I am falling behind you?''
''I'm sorry.'' I said. And I wanted to tell him my mom made me feel like that too. But I didn't know how he will react. In fact, there is no need to tell. Because he understood what I was thinking as always. And this faced me again that he knew me so well. I felt worried. Because I was afraid if he could understand my feelings for him too. But that moment was not the time. Everything related to me or everything I felt was useless. At that moment I only cared about him. Just him.
''Don't apologize.'' He said. ''I know this is not your fault and you are like me too. So I wanted to end this. I told my dad that I don't want to compare or compete with you anymore. But he accused me of cowardness and he did this.'' He showed his left cheek that his dad slapped. I've never felt this much anger for someone before. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt my Pat. I wanted to take my Pat and hide him somewhere I could protect him from his dad's hands and words.
''I am not coward Pran. I'm not afraid of you. We were chosen to be in same band, we're writing a song together. We can be friends Pran. We don't have to beat each other, together we can achieve something. I don't want to compete with you anymore. All I want is to make you proud.''
Now my eyes filled with the tears too and I couldn't find my voice. I could only say ''Me too Pat.'' He gave me his exhausted smile but it was still so so beautiful. And of course my heart skipped a beat.
For a while we kept sit side by side and didn't speak. But suddenly he asked me to play a song and he added ''The song you played at the bus stop was good.''
''I don't have my phone with me right now.''
''You sing then. Aren't you soloist of our band? You can practice like this.''
''And you think you can fool me like this.''
''Absolutely!'' Now he was smiling naughtily and looking at me with his puppy eyes. I wanted to do what he wanted from me even though it means defeat. And also he told me that he doesn't want to compete with me. So my defeat was not important anymore. We could win and lose together like we're one. This idea made me feel warmth inside me.
As if I am the one who cried for minutes, I tried to fix my voice by coughing and started to sing quietly.
''I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said I'll never let you go
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said don't leave me here alone
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight
Just close your eyes, the sun is going down
You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now
Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound''
''I know my English is not as good as yours but I can still understand that you chose this song for me purposely.''
''Where the hell did you get this idea from? I sang the first song that came to my mind.'' He smiled impishly. Of course he knew it was not the truth. Normally I could be pissed about that. But I would rather see his smile than his sadness.
''Okay, let's assume that you didn't choose this song for me. But you didn't tell me who is the person you think when you listen that song neither.''
''Which song?''
''The song you played at the bus stop.''
I was shocked that he still remembers it. It was 2 weeks ago.
''Why are you so curious? I can think whoever I want and I don't have to tell you who that person is.''
He sulked and shrugged. I guess he was so tired so he didn't persist or say anything and I was thankful for that. Because I was coward. Because the songs that I sang here and we listened at the bus stop were not the point. In every song I listened with headphones or hummed without even realizing or sang loudly when I was alone I was thinking about him.
I was feeling bad because I scolded a boy who already upset. Fortunately he started to speak again.
''Pran.''
''Hm?''
''I'll ask you something but you shouldn't reject immediately or laugh. Okay?'' He was unaware of I could do whatever he wanted at that moment.
''No, Pat. I'll not get low mark on purpose for you.''
''Pran!! I'm not talking about exams. I'm just...'' He was hesitanting.
''You're just what Pat?''
He looked at his hands. ''I just thought maybe we can hug a little bit. I want to be completely collected before go back home.'' I confess I didn't expect this.
We've only touched each other like that before while we were playing rugby -they were so dangerous for my heart- And at that moment I didn't know how I could do what he wanted without dying. But I was able to caress his hair a little bit ago. I thought we crossed the limits, I could hug him too. And also I assumed we were friends now.
''Okay but not so long. 1 minute is fine. No one should see us.'' He nodded and smiled so big. The tears in his doe eyes looked like stars to me and I surprised to see that he was very happy to hug me.
He said ''Count for seconds quietly. I have headache.'' and raised his arms. He was waiting to be embraced like a puppy.
When I got closer to him he fell into my arms right away. He was so little in my arms and I was about to go crazy. I heard his sigh the moment he buried his face in my neck. I tickled when he ran his nose through my neck but I tried to bear. When I put my hand on his hair again I thought he was melting in my arms.
I counted every second synchronously with his breath that I could feel in my neck. But it took me minutes to go from 59th second to 60th second. Within those minutes he fell asleep in my arms and I couldn't imagine be anywhere else.
I started to sing the song that we listened at the bus stop after I made sure he was sleeping. He wouldn't know but I had to tell him in some way that he was the person I thought when I was listening and he'll always be that person.
"Pat,
You're the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
You're the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
You're the time taken up, but there's never enough
And you're all that I need to fall into''
That night was the first of many things for us. For the first time I caressed his hair, I felt his body on my body and I saw his crying since our childhood. For the first time he said to me that he wanted to be friend and didn't want compete with me. For the first time I embraced him tightly and hid him in my arms. For the first time I sang the songs to him that I always repeated in my mind for him. And for the first time I felt hopeful that maybe he and I could be 'us'.
After that night I thought all moments from playground every day. Even sometimes I wasn't sure if it was just one of my dreams. But I thought those moments more after that Christmas Day. I was away from my Pat, his warmth, his naughty smile, his beautiful eyes, his smell and everything related to him. I was away from my home, my guitar, my friends and everything i loved. I was alone, I didn't have no one else except those moments and my memories. That was the time when I needed them the most, i miss them the most. I had dreams that I hug Pat again and in my dreams I didn't have to count to 60 seconds and wait at 59th second to not leave him.
I didn't know back then that one day we'll share the same bed, just like we shared my headphones at the bus stop. That I'll always feel his breath in my neck and I'll try to bear even if it's ticklish. That I'll discover new songs I dedicate to him and sing to him. That I'll write more songs for him and I'll kiss his tears to stop them. That all of his hugs will be mine even if we're not sitting on bench side by side or I'm not dreaming. That we won't have to fit in 1 minute, we'll have a whole life together.
I didn't know but I was going to find out. And when I found out, it was going to worth everything and every difficult moment.