Work Text:
Ash and Eiji are living together in a happy relationship. They still have to face traumas but they are doing great. Their love was a bit scary for Ash at first. He did not know if he could do anything with Eiji. However, Eiji made him at ease, never trying anything. Ash was always the one making a move. Moreover, intimacy seems to make Eiji uncomfortable. And Ash knows that his lover does not have any experience with romance and sexuality. He is going to be the first and only to be that close to Eiji.
It is on his birthday that Ash finally decides to ask for more. Eiji looks scared, uncomfortable, anxious but still says yes. Nevertheless, his mind is away from this situation. He lets Ash kiss him, not moving at all.
I'm glad Ash feels safe around me. I'm happy for his improvement. If he's fine with that, I'll do anything he wants. I have to.
Yet, Ash quickly notices that something is wrong. Eiji does not look like he enjoys it. "Eiji? If you're too nervous we don't have to do it." The Japanese boy smiles, obviously relieved it can end now. "I wanted to make you happy for your birthday... but I guess I'm not ready yet." An easy lie, and very convincing. Ash kisses him and lays next to him. "You should have told me, I don't want to make you uncomfortable. You need time and I'll give you as much time as you need."
After that day, Eiji is a bit more confident to ask for space. Nonetheless, he is still too scared to try to talk about the fact that he doesn't want to do it at all. He wants to do that for Ash, his lover that faced too much sexual abuse. Since he's doing better and is confortable with trying, Eiji wants to do it at least once. So his boyfriend can have one good experience. His non-existent desire does not matter compared to Ash's trauma. It can help him to overcome his nightmares.
So, the second time Ash mentions doing it, Eiji agrees, hiding his face through everything. He can feel kisses on his skin, feeling hands on him and that intimacy makes him want to cry. Make it stop. If only he was brave enough to say it aloud. When his underwear slides on his legs, Eiji starts crying. "I don't want to do it!" Ash almost jumped when Eiji shouted. He hastily stops his hands, getting further from Eiji. "Eiji, calm down, I'm sorry if I rushed it. It's fine we can stop."
I should tell him that it's not time I need. I should tell him that I will never want to do it.
"I'm sorry. It seems like I'm still not ready..." Once more, lying with a fake smile is what Eiji does. He is scared of saying the truth, of being abandoned because of that. "Don't apologise. You're pressuring yourself too much, take your time Eiji, I'll wait until you're ready."
I'm sorry I won't ever be ready... I have to try harder, at least for one time...
Ash does not try bringing up doing it anymore after that. He clearly wants Eiji to be the one to ask the next time. Furthermore, Ash slowly notices that Eiji is uncomfortable with nudity, intimacy and even kissing. Why? He has no idea. Is he that scared of sexuality? Is there a reason behind this?
"Eiji, did something happen to you that make you nervous with sex?" Eiji looks away, trying to hide his feelings and hiding what is his actual problem. "No." I want to tell you but I'm scared you'll leave me. "But there's something wrong. You're very nervous and uncomfortable around me lately." I'm sorry. I wish I was like everyone else. "It's not your fault." Ash sits next to Eiji, touching him lightly to confort him. "Maybe. But there's a problem right?" He is very clever. Eiji knows he can't hide his secret forever.
"I... I don't want to do it." Ash is confused. This part of the discussion was obvious. "Yeah I noticed that." Eiji's hands start shaking. What if they break up because of that? It is his biggest fear. "I'm sorry Ash but I won't have sex with you. Be it today or in a year... I don't ever want to do it." This time, Ash is really surprised. Never? Why? There is a problem. "What's wrong? What happened? Who hurt you?" Eiji is glad that Ash was worried instead of mad. It seems like a life without sex is fine. "Nothing happened! I'm fine I swear! I just... don't want to. I never wanted to, even with women." Now that he knows, will he really be fine? "Thank god! OK, we won't do it. It's fine for me." What? Really? No more questions? He should be at least a bit curious. "To explain a bit... I'm asexual. You're sure you want a relationship with me now that you know that?" Hoping too much would hurt him. People usually like sex and he has no excuse to be that uncomfortable with that. "I love you Eiji, I won't leave." Now is going to be the hardest to say... "And... I don't even like kissing... I do love you I swear but... it feels gross." His breathing quickened and Ash hugged him, helping him to calm down.
"Eiji. It's fine. Kissing and sex are out of question and I'm very sorry if I ever made you feel like you had to give that to me. The only thing I care about is your happiness. I'll stay with you, forever."