Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When they are six years old, Donatello watches Michelangelo, his baby brother, his only baby brother die for the first time.

He won't know that's what happened for another thirteen years, though. He won't know that until Mikey rises from the dead, looks at him dead in the eyes, and says: "Remember when we were six?"

That's when he'll know for sure.

But that's later, so many years and so many lies away. Right now, Donnie is six years old, and his little brother hasn't gotten out of bed in days. 

Mikey is always out of bed. He doesn’t really do laying around, sitting still. Donnie likes sitting still. He sits still to read his books (he just got this new one for their birthday about computers that’s super cool ), and when he builds with the legos dad found for them, and when he takes apart those toasters he finds when they go scavenging

Donnie can sit still for hours , but Mikey can’t sit still at all . Raphie likes to move around a lot too, unlike him and Leo, but even he can sit still. He doesn’t know why Mikey has to be moving all the time. Mikey’s tried to sit still before, he swears, but no matter what they try he just can’t do it for that long. Not like everyone else.

But. Now Mikey hasn’t moved from his bed in days, and Donnie is worried. He’s a big brother, and big brothers are always worried about their little brothers.

He would know, since Raphie and Leo always seem to be worried about him and Mikey. It’s just. Mikey is the only little brother he has. Mikey is his bestest friend. Mikey listens when Donnie talks about his cool science books, and gives him ideas of what to build with his Legos.

Mikey talks to him when he takes apart the toaster. Mikey makes him laugh ‘cause he’s funny, and gives the best hugs when Donnie’s sad.

But now Mikey is sick. Mikey hasn’t moved from his bed in days. And… and. Donnie can’t lose Mikey. Donnie can’t lose his bestest friend. Donnie can’t lose his baby brother. He can’t. And… and… he’s always cold now. He shivers, and he won’t eat (he always eats), and he’s not making jokes, and Donnie wants to help but he can’t he doesn’t know how and Mikey is sick Mikey is sick Mikey is sick–

Donnie pulls his spaceship blanky close to his chest. “I’m scared, Raphie.” He whispers. 

His big brother looks from the couch, ‘cause he’s getting Octo and Pookie for Mikey, and frowns at him. “But Mikey’s just sick. That’s what daddy says.” Raphie doesn’t sound scared. Raphie never sounds scared. Donnie wishes he wasn’t ever scared.

“But. But Mikey hasn’t moved and he won’t eat and he won’t tell me jokes and–”

Raphie gives him a shove, making Donnie stumble. “He’ll be fine. He has to be.” Donnie’s not all that good with emotions or telling when people are lying. He’s better than Raphie, and he’s better than Leo with emotions sometimes (not lying though, him and Mikey are way too good at knowing when people are lying), but he’s still not that great. But that doesn’t change the fact that it feels like Raphie is trying to convince both of them that Mikey will be okay. That Mikey will be fine.

Donnie leans into his big brother, lets out a sniffle. This whole thing has been really scary. “I don’t want Mikey to die.”

His big brother stiffens, then wraps an arm around Donnie. Raphie doesn’t give lots of hugs, but when he does they’re really good. “Mikey isn’t gonna die, Dee. He can’t. He’s… he’s too annoying ta die.” Raphie asserts, and Donnie can feel Octo and Pookie on the back of his shell, “Besides, dying means not moving for, like, ever and Mikey would hate that. He’d have to be alive again ‘cause he got too bored.”

Donnie lets out something between a sob and a laugh. “I guess. I’m just really worried.” He admits, and feels Raphie let out a puff of air above him.

“I’m worried too.” He whispers. That’s… that can’t be good. ‘Cause now Raphie is scared, and if Raphie is scared, then it must be really bad. And it’s already really bad, which means it’s even worse–

Donnie sniffs and looks up at his older brother. “What do we do, Raphie? What if it’s Hospital bad? We can’t… Mikey can’t be Hospital bad.”

Raphie frowns. “It’s not. It… it can’t. Look, let’s go ask dad. He’ll… he’ll tell us for sure.”

“Can we get Leo too?”

“We’ll tell Leo later. I think he’s hangin’ out with Mikey right now.”

Oh. “Okay, I guess.” Donnie bunches up his blanky and Raphie hugs Octo and Pookie close to his chest. It doesn’t take them long to find dad–he’s waiting by their room, although for some reason he’s just standing there.

When dad notices them he turns around to face them, smiling softly. Donnie’s still not sure what that smile means. But sometimes it makes Leo and Mikey real uncomfortable, and they’re really good at figuring that kinda stuff out, so Donnie thinks that maybe dad is lying a little bit when he smiles like that. “Hello my dear sons. Have you come to see Michelangelo?”

They both nod their heads, and dad hums as he stares at them. “Mikey’s… Mikey’s sick, papa.” Donnie tells him. He knows that dad knows this, but he has to tell him anyways, ‘cause then he’ll know that Donnie knows too.

Dad frowns. “I know, my son.”

But… but does he know? Donnie stands a little closer to Raphie. “Is it…” he pauses, and all he can think is what if it is what if it is what if it is, “...is it Hospital bad? It’s… It’s not Hospital bad right, daddy?”

He has to know. He needs to know. Donnie likes to know a lot, but this is something he has to know right now right here and– “We can’t go to the Hospital.” Raphie points out.

Donnie hates that Raphie pointed that out. Even if it’s true. “You said that the other people will be mean. Which is stupid, ‘cause Mikey’s nice.” He adds on, which really is stupid. Donnie doesn’t know any people, really. Actually the only people he does know live with him, but even Donnie knows that his baby brother is probably the nicest person ever.

How can somebody be so mean to someone that’s so nice? Donnie wishes that Mikey had friends. He’d probably have, like, a million of them if he could. Mikey would be a great friend. He’s a great friend to Donnie. “You’re mean to Mikey.” He still points out.

“Not that kinda mean.” Donnie knows. But it makes him a little better to see Raphie get offended. “Daddy said they’ll be like, really mean, and they’ll take Mikey away. I don’t want Mikey ta go away.”

Leo comes up beside dad, and he must've heard that last part, ‘cause now he’s got a frown on his face too. He’s holding a glass of water in one hand, and the other that’s behind his back crinkles.

Donnie thinks that it’s probably the marshmallows. Those are Mikey and Leo’s favorites.

He guesses that Mikey must’ve been thirsty. Or just looked really thirsty. Water is supposed to be good when you’re sick. He thinks. “Nobody’s gonna mean to Mikey ‘cause he’s not going anywhere, right daddy?‘

Dad peers around at his sons as they wait for him to answer. Donnie wishes he would answer quicker, though. “That is right, Leonardo. Michelangelo is not going to the Hospital nor anywhere else. He just has the flu. Do not worry.”

Leo’s frown deepens. Does that mean dad is lying? Donnie doesn’t know. Again. Either way, he can’t question him about it, because Leo slips into their room a second later to see Mikey. And yeah, that was a bag of marshmallows in his hand.

Actually. Dad is probably lying. ‘Cause dad told them that when people are really sick they go to Hospitals, and Donnie’s had the flu before and he wasn’t this sick. Mikey is really sick. “...but Mikey’s sick. Sick people go to Hospitals.”

Why is Hospital such a big word? Why does the Hospital have to be so scary? Hospitals are supposed to help people, but they’re different, and Raphie’s right because he knows that because they’re different that the Hospital people would probably be really mean to Mikey, which isn’t fair, it isn’t, it’s not fair at all–

“When Donnie had the flu he didn’t get sick like this.” Raphie adds on, and Donnie is really happy that his big brother seems to agree with him.

Dad huffs. “Raphael. Donatello. Enough. Michelangelo will be alright. Do you understand me?” They both nod. Donnie understands. He… just doesn’t know if it’s true. Leo would know. Mikey would know. “Now, go visit your brother. I’m sure he will be happy to see you.”

“Yes, sensei.”

Raphie pushes past him into their room, coming up to stand next to Leo. “I got ya Octo and Pookie.” He tells Mikey, dropping them next to their little brother. Donnie stops at the doorway, though. His little brother just looks so sick.

He smiles at Raphie the best he can at the sight of the stuffies, but it’s so small, and it looks like it hurts and it’s… Mikey’s not supposed to hurt.

He’s looking at Leo and Raphie, but his eyes got this weird look to them, kinda like that time dad was able to get them doughnuts and one of them was glazed. They kinda look like that. Glazed over. And… and. Mikey still isn’t really moving. Donnie really doesn’t like that Mikey still isn’t really moving. “Did ya get him water, Leo?” He asks, although he knows Leo did, “He’s gonna need lots of water to feel better. That’s what daddy says.”

Daddy didn’t say that, but water made him feel better when he was sick, so it must make Mikey feel better too. Leo must know this too though, because he nods at Donnie’s question. “He got water.” He confirms.

“Good.” Donnie finally steps into the room, coming up next to Mikey and laying his blanket on top of Raphie and Leo’s. “I brought my spaceship blanky that way you could stay warm. You look cold.”

Mikey shivers again, and that just makes Donnie more upset. Mikey’s supposed to be warm. Mikey is always warm.

Donnie doesn’t know how long he stands there looking at his little brother, but he thinks it might be a while. He just can’t stop staring. He thinks Raphie and Leo can’t either. “I’m sorry.” Mikey suddenly whispers. He can’t really talk any louder. “I didn’t mean to be Hospital sick.”

Donnie knows that. Leo knows that. Raphie knows that. Why is Mikey apologizing for that?

“That’s stupid.” Raphie points out, because it is. Donnie nods his head in agreement. Mikey says sorry a lot. He doesn’t need to say sorry a lot. Especially for this.

Leo leans in towards Mikey, looking at him curiously. “Why are you sorry?” He adds on, and it’s a really good question.

“But dad said you aren’t Hospital sick.” He soothes. Donnie’s still not sure if he believes it, but it’ll make Mikey feel better, right? Leo looks down at the ground though, and Mikey’s eyes don’t meet his face. Oh. “Besides, Hospital sick doesn’t mean you gotta be sorry. You didn’t want to get Hospital sick.” He adds on.

Mikey looks up at the ceiling, and if Mikey could move more, Donnie thinks he’d probably be fiddling with his hands. “But I made you all worry and sad. And… And now we can’t have our race car championship.”

His little brother is always worried about how they feel. That’s why he’s so nice. He’s always trying to make them happy. And when they’re happy, Mikey is happy too. “But I always worry.” Leo points out, even though he shouldn’t because it’s probably not good to worry all the time.

“And we can play race cars when you feel better.” Raphie shrugs. “It gives me more time to practice anyways.” He says that, but his big brother hasn’t played race cars since Mikey started coughing super hard.

Donnie doesn't want to do this anymore. Donnie is scared. Donnie wants Mikey to feel better. “I’m sad ‘cause you’re sick.” He tries, pulling himself up on the bed next to Mikey. It doesn’t even matter if he gets sick, ‘cause he needs to be close to Mikey. “If you feel better, then I won’t be sad anymore. Daddy says that sleeping makes you feel better, so I guess we’re both gonna have to go to sleep.”

Maybe if they sleep super well Mikey will feel better tomorrow. His little brother doesn’t look like he believes it all that much but doesn't say anything. He snuggles closer to Donnie instead. Donnie copies him. Closer is better.

Raphie and Leo think so too, because they bring their pillows and other blankets over to lay by them. They all relax, even if Donnie thinks he won’t be able to sleep.

When daddy comes in to check on them a few minutes later, he pretends to be asleep, and so does Mikey, because he was breathing kinda quick, and all of a sudden he wasn’t, but it works because dad does leave, and then Mikey’s breathing stays slow, so Donnie thinks he fell asleep for real this time.

Donnie didn’t, though. Donnie opened his eyes again. “Mikey’s Hospital sick, isn’t he, Leo.” He whispers, because he’s pretty sure his big brothers are still up.

It’s quiet, but then his oldest brother breathes out a sad sigh. “I don’t know. I hope not. But… but he’s more sick than you were.” He pauses, and Donnie’s heart sinks. “Lots more sick.”

“I don’t want him to lots more sick. I don’t want him to be sick at all.”

“I told ya he’ll be fine.” Raphie’s voice pops up. “He has to be or I won’t get to beat up Leo with him anymore. It’s boring to do it myself.”

“Hey!”

“Well it is.”

Donnie looks over at Mikey while Leo and Raphie argue. He looks so bad and he shouldn’t look that way, he should look good but… at least he’s sleeping. Donnie’s gonna sleep. Sleep is gonna make him feel better. “Can we… can we sleep?”

Leo and Raphie stop. “Yeah,” Leo breathes out, and he hears the rustle of blankets on the ground, “We can. We can sleep. We should… we should sleep.”

“Okay.” Raphie agrees, and that’s the end of that. Donnie falls asleep in a few minutes after that ‘cause at least he knows that his brothers feel the same way, and now that his brothers feel the same way, he can feel better, and Mikey can feel better too.

Donnie wakes up a little while later, and Mikey is making weird sounds. Donnie sits up, leans over his little brother. “Mikey? What’s wrong?” He whispers, but his baby brother doesn’t answer. Mikey just makes that sound again, and Donnie’s eyes widen. Oh. That’s what that sound is. 

Mikey is… Mikey is sucking in air like he can’t breathe.

“…Mikey?” He tries again. Mikey wheezes. Donnie comes to the realization right then and there that he doesn’t think Mikey can answer. Mikey wheezes again. Louder. His eyes still look glazed over, and he barely glances at Donnie at all and Donnie’s heart spikes. “Leo! Raphie!” He whisper shouts, and his big brothers shoot up from where they’re sleeping.

“What?” Raphie puffs, and then Mikey lets out another wheeze. They both look up at Mikey’s bed. “...what was that?”

Donnie scrambles off of the bed, trying to tug his brothers up from the floor. “Mikey is… he can’t breathe!” He cries, and Leo and Raphie scramble up from their spots, running over to look at their baby brother. “He can’t breathe!” He repeats.

He’s so scared. “Go get daddy, Raph!” Leo shoves Raphie towards the door, and his brother sprints out and down the hall.

“I woke up Leo, and he was breathing funny. He won’t stop breathing funny! Do you think it’s the water? Water is supposed to make you feel better! I don’t know what’s wrong!” He’s supposed to know. He should know.

“I don’t know!” Leo cries, and they both lean over Mikey again, who still can’t breathe, and– “It’s gonna be okay, Mikey. Promise.” Leo whispers, gripping Mikey’s hand. Their brother doesn’t answer, because he can’t, because Donnie’s not even sure if his baby brother knows that they’re talking to him and…

…and Mikey sucks in a large breath. He doesn’t suck in another. 

Leo and Donnie sit there, Leo and Donnie sit there, and Mikey is just still, and it’s so scary, and Donnie just sits there and cries, and Leo is telling Raphie to hurry, but Donnie thinks it’s too late already, ‘cause Mikey is so still.

Mikey is still.

Mikey is still.

Mikey gasps. His baby brother gasps, and his eyes open, clear and bright and alright. His baby brother gasps, and Raphie and daddy charge into the room, and they’re all staring at Mikey, but Mikey looks fine now.

And Donnie tells daddy what happened, and then daddy keeps Mikey in bed for two more days, even though Mikey insists that he’s fine. He looks fine. Donnie doesn’t understand, though.

It’s not… it’s not right. Mikey was sick, Mikey was Hospital sick, and then he wasn’t, and it’s not right, it doesn’t make sense, but Mikey tells them that it’s okay, really. Mikey tells them that, and Donnie has to believe it, because if he doesn’t he might think that Mikey died for a little bit there, and Donnie really doesn’t wanna think that.

Maybe, he thinks years later, I should’ve thought about it a little harder. Although by that point, he’ll have bigger issues to deal with. Way bigger issues.

But right now, at six, Mikey is fine, and that’s really all that matters to Donnie anymore. It’s the only thing that matters because if Mikey’s alive, then everything in the world is fine. Everything is fine. 

He tells himself to not think anything different until he believes it.

Chapter Text

When Leonardo is ten years old, his baby brother dies for the second (third) time. Not that he knows this, of course. Just like Donatello, he won’t be able to connect the dots until Mikey lays it out for him, and it’s only because they cornered him in.

Mikey won’t tell them otherwise. He certainly wasn’t going to at ten.

(Not that Mikey really knew what was going on at that time. Only that he was pretty sure he died, and pretty sure he lived again. Still doesn’t change the fact that when he figures it out, he conveniently forgets to mention it to his brothers.)

“Leo. Leo. Leo Leo Leo Leo.” Mikey whines, and he puts down his bokken with a sigh. He just wants to work on his form. Mikey just doesn’t understand that. Not that he needs to, Leo thinks bitterly, since he’s already so great with his nunchaku. “Can we please please please please play?” He begs again.

Leo huffs, turning to face his baby brother. “Can’t you just ask Raph to play? I wanna practice.”

Mikey groans. “I did ask Raphie. But I don’t wanna play with just Raphie. I wanna play with you and Donnie too.”

“Mikey , I don’t–”

“Dee said he’d play. Please, Leo? I love you so much and you’re my favorite big brother and I just wanna spend time with you and–”

He sets down his bokken with a huff. “Fine.” He’s not really sure how Mikey is convincing him… it’s definitely not the pleading, and the begging wasn’t gonna work either. But maybe it’s the eyes. His baby brother does this thing with his eyes sometimes that just… ugh.

Mikey pumps his fist in the air. “Yes! I’m gonna go tell Raphie that he has to play now.”

“What do ya mean, has to play? I thought you said you’d already asked him, Mikey?!” Leo whines, just a little bit.

His little brother rolls his eyes, seemingly uncaring of Leo’s inconvenience. “He said he’d only play if you did, ‘cuz he didn’t think you’d play.” Mikey points out, hopping down the hallway towards the kitchen. “RAPHIE! DONNIE!”

Raph appears from the kitchen, glass of apple juice in hand. He’s not supposed to have more apple juice. Leo glares at him from behind Mikey, Raph glares back, and then immediately slides that glare over to their youngest brother. “You did not get Leo ta play, Mikey.”

“You promised, Raphie.”

“You did promise.” Donnie agrees, coming from the TV area. He was probably building Legos. Or taking apart one of the machines that dad found them. He likes to do that. Leo would not like him to do that. Too much… mess.

Leo doesn’t like mess.

Raph groans, setting down his drink. “Fine.” It does seem like a Raph thing to do, after all. Leo told Raph to never make promises like that to Mikey, because they always ended with Mikey getting his way. Leo wonders sometimes if he should be worried about that.

His baby brother bounces on the heels of his feet because he’s got a bad habit of sitting still, and although sometimes it can be annoying, it’s mostly just funny, and Mikey, and that’s all he wants his little brother to be. That’s all he wants all his little brothers to be.

He wants Mikey to be Mikey. He wants Mikey to crack weird jokes, and make weird mixes of food that are somehow getting better (or Leo’s taste is getting worse), and rope them into playing games, and give them hugs, and laugh too loud, and be the bright in the dark.

He wants Raph to be Raph. He wants Raph to not listen to him (only sometimes), and to argue with him, and be a “tough softie” as Donnie and Mikey say, and to be protective, so protective of his family, and to make these comments that are sarcastic and funny at the same time.

He wants Donnie to be Donnie. He wants Donnie to read too much, and wants him to be curious of the world around them, and wants him to be gentle, and kind, and smart (so, so smart), and he wants him to build and create and fix.

He wants Mikey to be Mikey, and Raph to be Raph, and Donnie to be Donnie.

And if all his brothers can be who they are… well. That would make Leo the happiest. He would be the happiest because– “You can’t catch me! I’m the fastest of the fast. The quickest of the quick. Quicksilver and the Flash have nothing on Michelangelo: The Fastest Turtle Alive!” He tunes back into the world behind him, finally going into the kitchen.

Only to find Mikey standing on the table. If dad comes home and finds Mikey on the table I’m gonna be in so much trouble.

He was put in charge of his little brothers, after all. They’re older now, you see, which means that they can stay home by themselves without dad so he can go scavenging. But dad said that he was in charge and if he lets Mikey on the table, dad will never ever let him be in charge again.

“...just ya watch.” Oops. Leo missed that first part. Probably Raph talking about how he’s gonna get Mikey or something. Mikey and Donnie probably got him to be it.

“That isn’t even possible, Mikey. We’re turtles.” Donnie breathes out, and Leo figures he ran and then heard Mikey say that, so he had to come back to correct him.

Mikey sends Donnie and Raph a Look, like they’re obviously just not understanding. Leo tries not to laugh. “It’s possible for me,” he counters, taking on a superhero pose, “‘cause I’m just built different.”

“Yeah,” Raph agrees, “real different.”

“Hey!”

Kami, little brothers. “Guys! Can we just play the game? And Mikey, you should really get off the table. You know dad doesn’t like that.” He comes to stand behind Mikey, who’s still not getting off the table, mostly in case Mikey falls, but also because that way if Raph decides to get him, he can use Mikey as a shield.

Rule #2 of Ninja Tag: Turtle shields can be used for your protection. Leo likes this one. It’s funny.

But Mikey starts thinking, because Mikey will sometimes do this thing where he’ll think all these random things but make them connect somehow, like cheese-its to lasers, but Leo didn’t really get it, especially because when Mikey zones out he zones out for awhile until someone usually comes and tells him to stop zoning out or he gets distracted by something better.

Either way, Mikey’s gone right now, so Leo disappears to the little side part of the sewers that they’re allowed in, and sees Donnie hide in their little side closet and… waits. Eventually, he hears Raph tag Mikey.

Raph wasn’t gonna tag anyone other than Mikey ‘cause he’s mad but not mad at Mikey for making him play. And he knows that Raph was gonna wait until Mikey stopped zonin’ out, but Raph was getting bored, obviously, as Raph does in these situations, and decided to tag Mikey anyways.

He hears Mikey let out an annoyed huff about it, but doesn’t make any note about paying attention, most likely because he recognizes that he totally, definitely, zoned out.

It takes another minute, and he hears Raph running back to the TV area before his brother yells: “Mikey! Are you comin’ or not?”

“I’m comin’! I was just thinkin’ about how I’m gonna get you back!”

Yeah, Mikey zoned again. He won’t now, though. Raph has egged him on too much. “Ya can’t, idiot! Rule #1!”

That is true. Rule #1 means no tag-backs. Dad made them make rules for ninja tag that way they didn’t fight so much about what they could and couldn’t do. Leo and Donnie wrote them down and everything so it was all official and stuff. Leo lets out a sigh either way, because it’s just something Mikey would say to get Raph upset.

Donnie snorts from his spot too over closer to the TV because he moves around a lot when playing ninja tag and now that Leo thinks about it, that was probably Mikey’s way of figuring out where they all were.

Ugh. Of course. He hears Mikey hop off the table, and it’s silent for a beat too long. Great, Mikey is probably thinking about how to get him and Donnie.

Then he hears his baby brother yell. “OW! OW! OW! OW!” Leo’s heart spikes. Is Mikey hurt? Did he try to flip off the table again?

His baby brother hops in his direction, and Leo steps back farther into the sewer area, suddenly very suspicious. Mikey and Raph have always liked to use Rule #13, and this seems like something he’d do to get Leo.

But also… dad would kill him if Mikey got hurt. And… Leo would also be pretty upset by that. “LEO! I hurt my foot real bad!” His baby brother calls, and now Leo’s like, 80% sure Mikey is using Rule #13.

“I’m not falling for that, Mikey!” He tells him, just to make sure his baby brother absolutely knows that, “You’re just gonna tag me if I come over there.” He adds on, although he finds himself moving closer towards the sound of Mikey’s hopping.

What if he really is hurt? “I think I hurt my foot when I flipped off the table.” Mikey counters, sliding down the wall by the entrance. Of course he knows Leo is there. Mikey is smarter than he lets on. “It really hurts aniki. I swear.”

Ok. Maybe Leo is only like… 50% confident Mikey is lying.

He peers out from around the corner, and yeah, Mikey does look pretty hurt. “Really? It really hurts?” Mikey nods, sniffling a little but. His ankle looks okay, but Donnie is the one that reads the medical books, so maybe it’s just bad and Leo can’t see it. “How bad?”

“Really bad. I think I twisted it again.” Oh.

“Donnie!”

He hears shuffling, and then Donnie looks down the hall at them, eyes narrowing in suspicion. Donnie knows Rule #13 too. “What? What’s going on?”

Leo walks over by his baby brother’s side but doesn’t touch him. Even if he’s only like… 20% sure now that Mikey is lying, he’s not gonna touch him just in case. “Mikey’s hurt.” He tells Donnie, watching him frown. “He says he twisted his ankle flipping off the table.”

Donnie rolls his eyes, but moves down the hallway all the same. “Mikey, you know that’s a bad idea. You always get hurt doing it.”

Mikey looks up, suddenly looking offended. “Not always. And I’m getting better. Better than you.”

Is Donnie flipping off the table too? Is Raph? Oh gods above, this might be a whole bunch worse than he thought. He’ll have to keep an eye on this. Like, a big eye on this. They must be doing it when Leo and dad aren’t there. Of course. Kami, little brothers. “Which foot?” Donnie peers inquisitively down at Mikey’s foot, eyeing them both.

“My left.”

Leo and Donnie simultaneously look closer at his ankle. “It looks ok–”

Mikey pops up with a grin, tapping Leo on the head. “Rule #13, bros! Guess you’re it, Leo!” They both sit there for a minute in shock, and then Leo tags Donnie, who lets out an exasperated huff.

His little brother takes that as his moment to bolt off towards Raph, cackling maniacally. Which is not funny, it’s not and Donnie thinks so too, that it’s definitely not, but he shoots down after Mikey anyhow. Leo walks down the hall slowly, he’s not too worried about being tagged–Mikey is waiting for Donnie to tag him most likely so he can get Raph back. This is confirmed by Raph shouting “No way , Mikey!” and then seeing a blur of red and green run past him.

“Here I come, Raphie! I’m gonna get you!” He sing songs, chasing after Raph. Oh. He should probably pick up those pillows before someone falls. Raph and Mikey won’t watch where they’re going. Guaranteed.

Although Raph keeps yelling at Mikey, a small smile has worked its way onto his face, and Leo lets out a content sigh.

Then… Mikey runs over a pillow. Mikey trips. Mikey’s head hits the corner of the table. Mikey lays on the ground and… doesn’t move.

All movement in the room stops. “...Mikey?” He hears himself whispers, worried. He doesn’t think Mikey is joking this time. He takes a worried step closer when his baby brother doesn’t answer. Mikey is never this quiet.

Raph also takes a step towards Mikey, and although his words make him sound annoyed, his tone sounds more scared than anything. “Mikey, you better not be joking about this or I swear to the gods above…”

He trails off. Mikey isn’t… Mikey isn’t moving at all . “Donnie?” He calls this time louder. Higher-pitched.

Donnie runs over to Mikey’s side, giving their little brother a shove. “Mikey, are you okay?” Mikey doesn’t answer. Mikey doesn’t move. Donnie rolls over their little brother, and his eyes widen. “Leo! Look!”

Donnie points at Mikey’s head, and it’s only then that Leo sees a thin trail of blood running down his face. It stains his mask, and his eyes look up at the ceiling. Unseeing. Lifeless.

Leo and Raph both run over at this point, all leaning over their little brother. Leo is… Leo’s so scared. “I’m gonna go get dad’s medicine book.” Donnie tells them, sprinting over to their father’s room.

“Maybe we should put him on the couch. That would be… that would be comfier, right?” Raph doesn't say anything, but helps Leo lift Mikey up all the same, laying him gently on the couch. Once they do, Leo goes about picking all the pillows, and Raph sits down next to Mikey, closing his baby brother’s eyes.

“Raph, go hide Mikey’s mask and get his other one. We’ll tell dad he lost it.” Leo doesn’t like lying, but he hates the red on orange more. Raph nods, and sprints off towards his room to hide.

His brothers rush back into the quiet quiet quiet room at the same time, dad’s medical book in hands of Donnie, and Mikey's mask in Raph's. Dad will be so upset if Mikey isn’t okay.

Not as upset as me, he concedes, but upset.

“Look,” Donnie flips through the pages, finally stopping on whatever one he thinks will help, “I think that Mikey has a con…cuss…ion. A concussion. It– it means that he hit his head. And he can pass out when that happens.”

“With his eyes open?” Raph asks, which is a good question. He thought passing out was like going to sleep when you didn’t want to. But going to sleep means your eyes are closed.

Donnie frowns, looking down at the book again. “It doesn’t say anything about his eyes.”

“Oh.” He replies, strangely quiet.

Leo looks down at his brother, then back up at his other two. “Should we wake him up?”

“Yeah.”

He nods, going about shaking his baby brother. “Mikey. Mikey. Wake up, Mikey. Wake up otouto.” He whispers. Nothing. Mikey doesn’t move. Mikey doesn't make a sound. Leo’s eyes start to water.

Raph shoves Mikey’s leg. “Wake up , Mikey. Or I’m gonna… I’m gonna take all of your comics.” He threatens. Nothing. Raph’s eyes seem suspiciously wet too.

“Mikey, please wake up. I’ll let you build a new toy car. I know you didn’t mean to break it, I swear.”

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing– “Mikey, please.” He begs. Nothing nothing nothing.

“...Leo?” He hears a voice whisper, and his eyes snap down to his baby brother, who’s squinting against the lights and probably has a headache, but it’s his baby brother, it’s his baby brother talking a moving, so really Leo doesn’t care about it all that much. “Why are you sad?”

Of course Mikey asked why they’re sad. Mikey being Mikey and all. “You slipped.” Donnie tells him, and Raph’s eyes seem to look everywhere but Mikey. “You hit your head and– you… you wouldn’t wake up.”

Mikey seems to work over something in his mind. He squints a little harder, and Leo tries to lean over a little more to block the light, although he doesn’t really think he’s all that successful. “Oh.” He finally says, scanning over the faces of his older brothers. “Does that mean we can’t use pillows anymore?”

Raph looks up then, looks up straight at Mikey. “That’s what you’re worried about?”

Leo would have to agree. He thinks there are probably a ton more things that are more important than that. “…yeah?”

“I thought… I thought you had died, otouto.” He finally says out loud, and the more he thinks about it, the more he feels like that is what happened. Although if he had died, he wouldn’t be up and talking, right?

Mikey does look a little upset by the thought, but it’s quickly replaced with a bright smile. “I’m not that easy to kill. A little pillow can’t hurt Mikey: The Fastest of the Fast! The Quickest of the Quick! The… Superheroest of the Superheroes!”

Raph scoffs. “Superheroest of the Superheroes? That’s the best you could come up with?” Apparently.

Well, at least his little brother is okay. And if after that Leo tells Donnie to add a rule for pillows (Rule #43 to be exact) then it’s just to be safe. So is not playing ninja tag in the lair anymore.

Leo doesn’t tell dad. He’s not sure why , but he doesn’t. Donnie looked up all the symptoms in the book for concussions, and it looks like maybe it wasn’t all that bad, ‘cause Mikey is acting fine. Except for a headache, at least.

It’ll be fine, as long as my little brothers are fine. As long as Mikey is fine.

Mikey is not fine. Not that either of them really know that, of course. Still, Leo wishes he would’ve found out sooner. It would’ve been better than the alternative.

And the alternative was so, so much worse.

Chapter Text

When Raphael is thirteen years old, Michelangelo dies for the third time. And Raphael will blame himself until the end of his life, even if his younger brother insists that it’s not his fault. Mikey’s always been too kind for his own good, though.

The funny thing is, Raph doesn’t even understand why Mikey is here right now. It… it doesn’t make any sense.

Raph was the one that screwed up. Raph was the one that took it too far, the one that did something that he’d feel would go down in history as one of his most idiotic moves. And… Mikey hadn’t been involved. At all.

Mikey was the one to find him, when he screwed it up so bad. Mikey was the one to see the regret on his face, the fear in his eyes, the hunched shoulders.

He should’ve gotten mad, his baby brother. It was a thing they all shared, it was something that was theirs. It was something special, something cherished, and Raph hadn’t meant to, he swears, but he was just so mad and next thing he knew it was broken.

It was broken, and Mikey heard it, heard it first, and when he came in, saw Raph, he should’ve yelled. Screamed. Gotten mad. Instead, he looked at the remnants of what was theirs, all of theirs, and said: “Aw damn. That sucks.”

Mikey doesn’t swear around anyone else. He only swears around Raph, and even then it’s not that often. But in this situation, it’s almost funny that that’s all he can come up with.

He had walked up to Raph, shoved him in the shoulder with a grin that said it’s okay, it happens, and then leaned over the mess, surveying the damage. He had already known that this was unfixable, Raph could tell, but Mikey continues to look over the broken pieces anyhow, and Raph wonders why he keeps doing this, keeps poking and prodding at Raph’s mess until Donnie and Leo had shown up.

Their faces had been in such shock, such horror, and then Mikey had looked up at them with that stupid sheepish expression he sometimes gets. “Sorry, guys. I uh…” He had paused, rubbing the back of his head nervously, “Well. We were wrestling and I… may have fallen. Into– yeah. Well. You see.”

And Raph, who was not looking at any of them, had finally turned to face Mikey with something akin to shock on his face. His little brother had taken the fall for him.

Leo and Donnie didn’t respond. “Ya know what? We’re just gonna… go. On a walk.” Dad, who had also slipped into the room to see the damage by this time, had only given a firm nod of approval.

Mikey had grabbed Raph’s arm, shot a grin towards the rest of their family, and then had promptly dragged Raph off into the sewers. He just… he just doesn’t understand why.

“Why Mikey?” He finally asks, and his little brother stops humming to look over at him. He shrugs, seemingly unperturbed.

“Why what?” He asks innocently, like Raph can’t tell that’s bullshit.

He growls, giving his brother a shove. Mikey bounces right back, like he always does. Not that Raph finds that endearing, or anything. “You know what.”

“Fine.” Mikey sighs, kicking a rock he had found for about the hundredth time. It was real annoyin’. Raph didn’t say anything. “Because.” He finally settles on, which is not an explanation.

Raph slaps him upside the head. “That ain’t a fuckin’ explanation, Mike.”

“Okay, geez. It’s just… look. You didn’t mean to do it. And I know you were angry and stuff. And everyone was on edge and if it had just been you they would’ve all been so mad, but if it was both of us that would’ve been better, and ya know, I’m always screwing things up. Breaking things and messing around too much and annoying you guys. So it’s not that hard to believe that we were wrestling and I broke it.”

He pauses, then adds on: “We just have to work on that anger, ya know? Not good for your mental health and all that.”

And… Raph doesn’t know what to say. Actually, he has a lot of things to say, he just doesn’t know which one to say first. “That’s stupid. Ya ain’t always screwing things up or annoyin’ us.” He starts with, because it really is stupid if that’s what Mikey thinks. He’s gotta fix that up right now.

Actually, Mikey usually makes things better. He’s got this way with things. Annoying as he is, Mikey makes him feel better most of the time. 

But also, he still doesn’t really get that answer. “But… why?” He tries again.

Mikey shrugs again. “Because you’re my big brother and I love you.” He decides on. Raph wants to ask him again what that means, but decides against it, only because he has a feeling he’ll get the same answer as last time.

He means, it’s kinda… nice that he said that. Did that. But it’s also so confusing. On the other hand, Mikey is confusing a lot, so maybe it’s actually just on par with the course.

Him and Mikey don’t talk again until they pass The Point That Dad Will Kill Them If They’re Found Past, when Mikey points out the obvious, as he likes to do sometimes. A lot of the time. “Ya know, this past where we’re allowed, Raph.”

Raph looks over at his baby brother. “Do ya care?” Since when does Mikey care? He almost gets into as much trouble as Raph.

(Not that Leo, Don, or dad need to know that, though.)

Mikey shrugs again. “No. I’m just sayin’ it that way if we get in trouble I can say I tried to stop ya.”

“Yeah, ya really tried ta stop me. I could tell jus’ from tha way ya followed me without hesitation.” He feels the need to point out. Mikey only gives him that stupid face he always does, and ducks under a little doorway behind Raph.

It’s… well. Whatever this place was, it’s fuckin’ cool. It might’ve been a drainage pool, or a halfway finished old subway tunnel that got partly flooded, but it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that Leo hasn’t come here and ruined it being Leo and all, and that it’s outside The Point, so that won’t ever find it.

Raph will make fuckin’ sure if that. “I’m not tellin’ if you ain’t.” Mikey breathes out, because of course his kid brother loves it too.

His kid brother finds something to love in everything it seems. It’s stupid (sweet) that he’s like that. Of course he’d love this place. It was a secret. It was big. And it had potential to be more.

He knew his brother was thinkin’ it too, because he knew his brother. “Shell, you think I’m ever tellin’?” He feels the need to add, just to assure Mikey, and because duh. Leo and Don would just make it boring. If Mikey is one thing, it ain’t boring. “Stuck Up and Boring ain't never gettin’ near this place.”

He means that. He really does. Him and Mike found it, so him and Mike get it. Not that Leo and Don would ever go outside the bounds, but it’s hidden enough anyhow that he’s not too worried about them finding it.

They could do some stuff to this place. Deck it out. Make it a hangout or somethin’ for when they just needed to get away. Which seemed to happen to Raph more and more these days. He wonders sometimes if Mikey’s the same way.

“...we could really deck this place out, Raphie. Cool lights…some chairs and a TV…a buncha snacks, and Oh! I can totally cover the back wall in all that spray paint I got for our birthday, I got this totally rad idea…”

Mikey bounces around the room, framing the little nook off to the side as if he’s got this picture-perfect way for how it’d look. It’s funny, in a way. But also, the kid’s creative, has more ideas than there is space in their home, and a place like this could be really cool if they do it right.

And… well. Mikey sounds so excited about it. So happy. Raph ain’t gonna take that away, especially after what he did for Raph today, reasons still unknown. “...yeah.” He decides on eventually, and Mikey perks up even more, “Okay.”

“Really?!”

“Yeah, really. And don’t call me Raphie.” He can’t be too nice after all.

Mikey ignores him, like Mikey does, hopping back up to his brother’s side. “Cool… Raphie.” Right. He’s gonna get it for that. Raph shoves Mikey into the pool, and instead of getting mad again like he’s supposed to, he pops back up from underneath the water, bobbing with that stupid grin on his face. “Joke’s on you, this actually feels nice!”

Of fuckin’ course it feels nice. There he goes again, being too damn well positive. Still, it has been uncomfortably hot lately, so maybe the water doesn’t actually feel all that bad. He dips his foot in cautiously and finds that it actually feels nice.

He keeps a straight face, of course. Can’t let Mikey know he likes it or anything. “You comin’, Raphie?” Mikey asks, because he’s impatient.

“Dad will know we were swimming.” He decides on, and then promptly hates that he said that, ‘cause it makes him sound too much like Leo.

He probably should’ve thought of that before pushing Mikey into the pool. “Guess ya shoulda thought of that before pushing me in.” His brother agrees, like he can read Raph’s mind. He’s also got that stupid look on his face that he thinks means something like big brothers are so annoying.

Raph’s not annoying.

That’s why he doesn’t move when he sees Mikey’s hand reaching out towards his ankle, even if he is pissed at landing face first in the water. “Mikey! Now we’re both gonna get in trouble!" He tries to come off as pissed off and not Leo-like again, even if he can’t be too mad, ‘cause the water is kinda relaxing.

Mikey winks at him, swimming more towards the center of the pool. “Sunrise Crew has gotta stick together, Raphie.”

What the fuck is that? “Sunrise Crew?”

“Yeah!” Mikey brightens up, like he just thought of the stupid idea, and has now latched onto it like a little leech. “‘Cause you and I got the same colors, and have, like, the most energy, like we got a full night’s sleep and stuff, and we’re both the funniest… well, no, I’m the funniest but you come, like, second place, and we both got two weapons…” He rambles on, even if Raph feels the need to correct him on the fact that Leo also has two weapons, even if Mikey doesn’t think that counts.

“So yeah, we’re the Sunrise Crew.” He finally finishes. “You gotta a problem, you can leave.”

And Sunrise Crew sucks. But there are things that suck worse, he supposes. “It’s… not the worst name you’ve come up with, I’ll give ya that. It’s still dumb though.” Mikey has this look that means he thinks he came up with the best idea in the world, which is kinda concerning, like the time he tried to make a smoothie with pickles.

Not that he seems to care. “Which is why it’s the perfect name for us!” See? Stupid.

“Correction: Perfect name for you.” Raph ain’t stupid. Raph ain’t boring.

Mike scoffs. “Rude. Blatant disrespect.” Not that he seems mad. Mikey ain’t ever mad. He sometimes wonders if that should be worrying, but then his brother being mad when he’s so happy all the time kinda sound terrifyin’ to be honest, so he doesn’t push the thought too hard.

“Whateva ya say, Mike.” He leaves it at that.

They don’t talk for awhile, swimming around in the pool and enjoying the cool water. Not that it isn’t quiet, he should note. Mikey don’t do quiet. He might tell them he’s bein’ quiet, but Mike’s version of bein’ quiet involves humming, and tapping, and moving, all things which make sound.

That bein’ said, it’s more quiet than Raph’s had in a long time, livin’ with three brothers and all, so he’ll take what he can get. Take what he can get until it seems boring, that is.

Not that Mikey needs to know that, he adds on. He doesn’t ever, ever need to know that. So Raph makes Mike a bet.

(He’ll regret it later. He’ll regret it a whole fuckin’ bunch.)

“Hey Mikey,” his brother hums in acknowledgement, floating around on his back, “I bet I can hold my breath longer than you.” Mikey’s eyes pop open. Mikey loves doing bets. Leo told him he should stop doing these things with Mike, only because Mikey only agrees if he thinks he’s gonna win. Raph doesn't really care this time, to be honest.

Then Raph tells Mikey that the winner gets the best candy for the month. His baby brother’s eyes light up, and he knows he’s sealed the deal.

Raph goes under first – bet rules and all. It goes pretty deep, all things considered. At the bottom is some old wood support beams and bars, and he considers going all the way down to hold on, but finds better luck with a divot in the bricks a lot higher up, where he doesn’t have to dive into the deep depths of whateva the fuck this place used to be.

He comes back up at two thirty-five. He could hold it longer, he’s sure, but he’s havin’ well... fun doing this, so he lets it slide. When Mikey confirms his time with a wide grin and dives under the water to most likely beat Raph’s time, he doesn’t think anything of it.

His brother will probably do the same thing – finding a divot in the bricks and holding on for as long as he can. When he passes Raph’s time, he finds himself not all that angry. His brother will be up in a few seconds to rub it in Raph’s face.

He gives it until three minutes, tops. Except his brother doesn’t come up at three minutes. Ok, Raph reasons, he wants to prove a fuckin’ point. Idiot.

At four minutes, Raph starts to get a little worried. Even if their lungs are more adaptable to water, they’re half human in nature, and four minutes without coming up for air seems a little… long.

When he’s been underwater for almost five minutes, Raph starts to get really worried. Something is… something ain’t right.

Ok, maybe he should. Maybe he should just check on him. Right?

Raph dives into the pool, looking for his little brother. He’s not where Raph thought he’d be, and some part of him, some stupid part of him, had hoped he’d be hanging onto the wall and turning around to give Raph a stupid grin.

When he doesn’t see his brother on the walls, he glances down. And… and there’s Mikey. He’s not moving, not at all. That’s what scares him most about this whole thing. Mikey. Isn’t. Moving. His body just floats there, eyes closed. Dead weight.

Raph swims down farther, almost to his brother, when he notices the problem. Mikey wedged his arm underneath some old wood beam. Wedged it in too deep.

It takes him more time than he would like to pry Mikey out – he has to use his sai to help leverage the beam (and thank the gods he had his sais, or otherwise his baby brother would be toast) – but once he’s got a firm grip on Mikey, he swims back up as fast as he can, breaking the surface with a gasp.

He drags him and Mikey out of the pool, throwing them both onto the ground. When his baby brother still doesn’t move, still just lies there, Raph starts screaming, and he starts chest compressions on Mikey’s chest. “C’mon, Mike! Don’t– please don’t do this!”

His pleas echo through the chamber around him, and he’s thankful that Don has been reading up on first aid right now, real thankful.

Then, Raph makes a particularly hard jab at Mikey’s chest. Mikey takes a large breath, and promptly turns over and spits out a shit ton of water.

“C’mon, Mikey. It’s okay, it’s okay…” He trails off, watching as his little brother’s eyes open clear and bright. They stay like that, staring at each other until his baby brother finally decides that enough is enough, and lets out a large groan.

“Please tell me that I didn’t just. Like, almost drown.” His voice is raspy and low as he talks, and if it weren’t for the fact that he’d almost died, Raph would slap him upside the head for making a stupid comment like that.

Raph leans back, partly so Mikey can’t see the way he’s shaking, and partly because he can’t be mad if he keeps looking at his brother. “No.” Raph informs him, since Mikey obviously isn’t getting with the program, “You did drown. Got your arm stuck in that stupid-ass log at the bottom of the pool.” He has to lower his voice then, only so Mikey doesn’t hear him choking back a sob. “I couldn’t get ya out until you had been down there for almost seven minutes.”

I killed you I killed you I killed you I killed you I– “So you’re saying I was underwater for over seven minutes.” That little fucker.

Raph scowls as much as he physically can. “I know whatcha gettin’ at Mike, and drownin’ ain’t makin’ you winner for holdin’ their breath the longest.” Then, for good measure, “Idiot.”

“Yeah …” Mikey begins, obviously not caring that he died dead died I killed him, and instead doing all that he can to piss Raph off, “But I held my breath for almost three minutes before that so I definitely did win, which means the best candy for me for a whole month and the worst candy for you. Haha! You get the loser candy .”

Raph wants to choke the little asshole that is his baby brother, but he really can’t have Mikey dying twice on him. “Time to go, Mikey.” Is what he says instead.

If we leave now, maybe I won’t have to think about how I almost lost him. I can’t lose Mike. Not now. Not ever.

“Yeah, okay.” Mikey agrees, letting Raph pull him up. And ignores the way he stumbles when he stands. He’s fine he’s fine get over it he’s fine– “But… can we not tell anyone?”

Like Raph is tellin’ anyone about what happened here. He barely wants to tell himself.

They don’t come back, and even if Raph’s disappointed by that fact, even if Mikey is disappointed, he can’t step foot in here again. Turtle luck has this tendency of creeping up on them. Why wouldn't it happen again?

He’ll keep the Sunrise Crew thing though. It’s growing on him. That, or maybe it’s just the way Mikey smiles when he says it. 

Jury’s still out.

Now, if Raph could not have any more scares after this, that’ll be greatly appreciated. He doesn’t know if his heart can take seeing Mikey so dead again. Too bad that the universe is out to get him. After all, it seems like his family always gets the short end of the stick.

Chapter Text

The fourth time that his baby brother dies, they are sixteen years old. It’s one of the most cliché ways to die in that Mikey would (does) think that getting blown up is something to equate to being in a cheesy action movie. It is , although Donatello finds it a lot less funny than Michelangelo.

It’s just. Donnie is actually pretty annoyed right now. He’s rather ready to be home, you see, because he’s got about fifty projects and repairs to get to, and searching around abandoned warehouses was not at the top of his to-do list.

To no one’s surprise, it had been Leo and Mikey that found out the Dragons and some arms dealers were making shady deals.

Not surprising in the fact that it was always either Leo, Mikey, or a combination of Leo and Mikey that found the worst trouble. Which doesn't make sense, considering Raph was the one always running headfirst into danger.

Unfortunately, it seemed like Leo and Mikey were just magnets for trouble, no matter how much Leo tries to deny it.

(Mikey doesn’t. Mikey understands. He’s sensible like that.)

So last week when Mikey and Leo came home from a training run covered in scratches, bruises, and surprisingly an odd amount of flour covering them (at least, he hopes it was flour, as neither Leo nor Mikey cared to elaborate on the subject), no one was surprised to find that they had found trouble.

Not that he doesn’t mind doing this, but Leo picked the worst night ever to have them do surveillance and investigation. Donnie is ready to be home. Donnie was gonna get his work done and watch Mikey’s monster marathon thing with him that he’s been talking about all week, and then was going to try to get him to watch Star Trek afterwards.

The last time they had done that, they made the mistake of telling Leo beforehand. He had been absolutely adamant that they couldn’t stay up doing that all night, to which both of them promptly ignored and then were punished severely for the next morning.

So Mikey and Donnie don’t tell Leo about their marathon nights anymore. Donnie hasn’t even told Mikey about tonight’s marathon night. It’s gonna be a surprise.

Well. Mostly because Mikey helped him clean up his lab before Leo and Raph got home the other day and both promptly had a conniption about Donnie blowing up said lab. Which he didn’t even mean to do, by the way.

Mikey is just a lifesaver sometimes.

Also, he should probably thank the gods for dad not being home. That would've been an actual disaster. So he should clarify that watching the monster marathon with Mikey had nothing whatsoever to do with him actually kinda liking the movies.

They were inaccurate. The science was completely and utterly wrong. The monsters didn’t have the best costumes. And all of this did not amuse him whatsoever.

But even all of that would’ve been better than bouncing warehouse to warehouse looking for trouble or highly illegal weapons or trouble with highly illegal weapons. On one hand, this is the third and final warehouse they’re checking out for the night.

On the other hand, they haven’t found anything in the other two, which stands to reason that this one is the one that’s gonna screw them over.

This is confirmed when Donatello almost walks into a case of random water bottles sitting in the middle of the warehouse. His heart spikes. One of the bottles is different from the others, and he very carefully takes it from its perch, setting it on the ground.

This better not be a bomb. I’m pretty done with having to dismantle bombs.

Donnie pulls out his goggles from his bag, listening to the hum as they flick on. When they load up he slides them onto his face to examine the offending material. Really? Of course. What the hell is with us and bombs?

He takes off his goggles, places them back into his bag, and throws on his comm. “Guys, I found something in the loading area.”

He gets disgruntled comments from all his brothers ranging from of fuckin’ course you did (Raph) to man, seriously! (Mikey) to a disgruntled huff that translated almost directly into how is this our life? (Leo).

Either way, it gets them all running, or jogging, or speed walking angrily over to Donnie’s location in the loading area. Leo and Mike appear at the same time, coming from different directions of a hallway off to the left, while Raph hops down a few seconds later from the upper level.

By the time they arrive, he’s already disabled the bomb, for what it’s worth. Thankfully it was small, even if it did pack a powerful punch. Now that it was disabled though, he should be able to take it with him to study… if he can grab it when Leo’s not looking, that is.

But the other problem he soon discovers is that it’s remote activated, and upon further inspection finds that the activation for this bomb is nowhere near where they are.

I’m so glad I disabled that bomb.

It’s clear that they haven’t found anything (thank the gods), and they were hoping to finish this up soon. Donnie wishes he hadn’t found anything. It would be so much better than this. “Please don’t tell me it’s an explosive, Donnie.” Leo puffs out, running a hand down his face. “I don’t know if I can handle one of those today.”

Maybe you shouldn't have fallen into the middle of an arms trade then.

“Please Donnie,” Mikey agrees, “I gotta movie marathon to get to, and I would prefer to not be in bits and pieces when I do it.” If Donnie wasn’t so annoyed with the situation at hand, he might’ve laughed at that. Might’ve.

Donnie should probably apologize for what he says next. But really, can you blame him? “It’s not a bomb.” He tells them, watches the relief pass over their faces, “It’s one of what I’m assuming is multiple bombs.”

Again, he hears all his brothers give their discontentment with the situation, and although he doesn’t know if they’re cursed per say, he’d have to say that their statements are pretty accurate, all things considered.

“It seems that we have become good friends with Murphy’s Law, doesn’t it?” He feels the need to agree.

“Friends is an under exaggeration, Don.” Raph replies back, and Leo makes an aborted motion to stop him saying anymore, while Donnie braces for impact. “We’re practically fucking Murphy at this point.” Mikey nods his head in agreement with Raph. Of course he’s in agreement with Raph.

“...and there it is.”

Really Raph? That’s what you’ve come up with? “That doesn’t even…” He trails off, and realizes it’s a lost cause. Raph is just riling him up, because he’s riled up, “You know what? It doesn’t matter.”

“I’ve disabled one of the bombs already, but that’s not the issue.” He tells his brothers for whatever little comfort it provides… especially with what he’s going to say next, “There’s at least one more of these somewhere in this dump. But as far as I can tell, the signal to make these things blow is coming from somewhere outside this place.”

Mikey, to his dismay, leans closer towards the bomb. If anyone can get this bomb to blow, it’d be his little brother.

Raph and Leo, on the other (and much safer hand) take a large step back. “Which means that someone is waiting for us, and this is a trap.” His oldest brother points out.

“Most likely.” He agrees, unfortunately, “Either that or we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. The Dragons have been having their… issues lately.” Understatement of the year.

Mikey lets out a large groan. “We’re always in the wrong place at the wrong time.” Mikey picks the worst times to point out these things, really. Especially when he leans down a second later to look more closely at the offending device.

Donnie moves the bomb closer to him, just in case Mikey decides to do something stupid. Like touching it. “I’ve jammed the signal, but there’s no telling if any of the others were activated already.” He informs them.

He’s really hoping the others haven’t been activated. He just wants to go home.

“And ya didn’t think ta tell us we could get blown up at any second at the start of this conversation?” Raph growls out, and Donnie can’t help but let out a scoff. Wasn’t he listening to anything Donnie said?

“Well what did you want me to do, Raph? I was already jamming the signal, do you want me to announce over the comms that there’s possibly multiple bombs?” No, you don’t. Ugh. All big brothers are the same.

“Yeah, genius.”

“The bombs haven’t even been activated, and with the signal jammed I didn’t see any point in causing a panic…” He really doesn’t wanna cause a panic.

Raph steps closer to him, and Donnie stands up with a sigh. “Well I’d be panickin’ less if I had known what I was gettin’ into when I jumped down here.”

“It’s not like I wanted to be finding bombs, Raph!” He hisses, since his hot-headed brother is obviously deciding to be overdramatic. “And why are you getting mad at me? I wasn’t the one to fall into the middle of an arms trade.” He whispers closer, even if Mikey and Leo aren’t really listening.

Raph crosses his arms. “I know ya don’t. But ya still shoulda said somethin’! And don’t get me started on Leo and Mike. I can’t deal with two problems at once.”

“Said something? Leo would’ve freaked on all of us. I’m surprised he isn’t freaking out right now! I have things to do, I don’t need a medical emergency! We both have other things to do! Can we just agree on that?” Donnie begs, like little brothers are supposed to do.

“Fine!” Raph fires back, and Donnie matches with his own agreement. It’s an agree to disagree situation. His brothers just don’t understand the logical point of things sometimes.

“If you’re both done now,” Leo buts back in, using his stupid “I’m your big brother and leader so you must do what I saw” tone, all while making sure it’s clear he’s very annoyed, “We have bombs to find and diffuse.”

Both him and Raph back down, and Mikey snorts quietly, because of course he does. “We’re looking for anything weird, out of the ordinary.” He tells them, and tries not to sound annoyed. Donnie doesn’t want to be looking for anything. Donnie wants to be home. “I don’t know how many of these things there are, so let’s try to be quick. Please.” He adds on, conveying how urgent it is they end and get home so he can work in his lab and watch movie marathons.

“What exactly are we looking for here Don? Anything out of the ordinary is ordinary for us.” Leo tells them, because of course he has to point that out.

It’s just that he doesn’t know what the others look like. “Well, this one was in the shape of a water bottle, so I guess anything like that…?” He tries, even if he could be absolutely and 100% wrong. He doesn’t like being wrong.

It’s quiet for a second, and then he sees something that looks like recognition cross over Mikey’s face. “I saw one of those. It was in an office down at the end of the hall.” He points to the hallway he just came from, and Donnie’s heart spikes. Yep, if anyone was going to find a bomb, it was his baby brother.

Then, since Mikey apparently wants to give him a heart attack, looks in the direction of his brothers, then back at the hall, and shouts, “I’ll go get it!”

And before Donnie can blink, his little brother is sprinting away from the loading area, disappearing down the side hall.

“Did that idiot just–”

“Yep.” Leo agrees with Raph.

Donnie starts shoving his things into his bag as fast as he can, throwing his comm back on as he does so. Mikey better not touch that bomb Mikey better not touch that bomb Mikey better not– “Mikey!”

He hears shuffling, and then Mikey’s bright voice filters through their comms. “I got it Donnie! Want me to bring it to you?”

No no no no. “Mikey I swear to the gods above if you touch that bomb I will…”

“Well, Mike’s finally lost it.” Raph throws his hands up in the air, and Donnie feels the urge to agree with him.

“Well what do you want me to do then? Leave it here?” Mikey’s voice interrupts, annoyed. He shouldn’t be the one annoyed here.

Thankfully, Leo provides him some back up as Donnie finishes collecting all of his stuff. “Wait until Donnie looks at it! Mikey, please don’t touch the bomb.”

“Yer gonna explode yourself, ya know that?” Raph adds on.

“I’ll be there in just a sec, Mikey. I beg of you, don’t move from that spot until I’ve dismantled that bomb.” He zips up his bag, looking towards his older brothers. “Raph, Leo, can you cover the rest of the warehouse while I…”

Leo nods. He doesn’t really need to ask, anyways, as Leo and Raph are inching their way towards the other side of the warehouse that doesn't currently have an active bomb, because they suck– “We got it, Don. Go make sure Mikey doesn't blow himself up.”

They sprint away, and Donnie takes off towards Mikey. “Hey, have a little faith in a guy here!” Mikey counters, because of course this is when he decides to butt in.

“With your streak?” Leo adds, which seems a little hypocritical to be honest, considering he too gets into more trouble than should be humanly possible.

Donnie is almost to the hallway when Mikey speaks up again. He should really be quiet, that way Donnie doesn’t stress out as much. “Uh guys,“ His voice picks up, and it’s not the good voice that he usually has, it’s one filled with anxiety and worrying and a touch of nervousness, it picks up in his laugh in the way he hears his brother shuffle, and Donnie unconsciously takes a step back into the loading area at the sound. “I think this bomb might still–”

He gets cut off by a loud tick, and then the world goes up around him in a BOOM.

When he wakes up a few minutes later it's Leo shaking him gently on the shoulder. His oldest brother peers down at him in concern, and when he sees Donnie look back, his shoulders slump in relief. “Thank the gods. You okay, Don?”

Leo pulls him up gently, in only the way Leo does, and although he gets a bit of vertigo standing, he doesn’t feel much worse for the wear. “I… think so.” He finally tells his brother. “What about Raph and Mikey? You?”

“I’m fine, Raph too. Just a few scratches and bruises. No… no word from Mikey. Yet. Raph is… he’s looking.”

That’s not good. Mikey was close. Too close. “How long was I out?” He asks instead.

Leo shrugs. “Minute. Maybe two. You woke up almost immediately, which is good.” Leo trunks away from Donnie for a brief moment, even if his hands still hover around him worriedly. “Raph! I got Donnie! He’s fine!” Ow. That was my head.

“Thank fuck!” Raph agrees, and before long he sees Raph jog over to the two of them. Worriers, the two of them.

“We should still check me for a concussion when we get home. Passing out, vertigo, headache. All symptoms.” Like Leo and Raph don’t know that already.

Raph and Leo give twins looks of worry, which Donnie would laugh about if his baby brother wasn’t missing.

“Mikey was really close to that bomb.” He whispers out.

“I… know.” Leo agrees, but it’s that agreeing that kinda sounds like he’s terrified but is trying to keep it together for the sake of his brothers. Raph shoulders hunch in on themselves.

“Chucklehead will be fine. Maybe his comm just got smashed.”

“Maybe.” Donnie agrees.

They all stand there in silence for a moment, as if they’re trying to convince themselves that that’s what happened. None of them look like they believe it. He knows because just a minute later they all spread out, treading carefully through the mounds of rubble that was once a dusty warehouse.

Leo keeps calling out to Mikey. He doesn’t respond. Raph keeps telling Mikey to stop be stupid and just tell them where he is. He doesn’t respond. Donnie begs Mikey just to make one sound, one singular sound. He doesn’t respond.

Donnie finds himself terrified.

What if Mikey is dead? What if I didn’t get there in time? What if this is something I can’t fix, what if he’s bleeding out somewhere and we just can’t find him, what if–

Suddenly, Donnie hears the comms crackle. “..eo?” He breathes out a sigh of relief. Thank the gods above.

“Thank the gods.” Leo agrees. He hears Raph puff out his own sentiment on the other side of the rubble. “You… are you okay?” Please. Please be okay.

“I…ell.” There’s a pause, like he’s trying to decide what to say. Not good. “...bit…arred…under…ibs… ow …. but –” Even if he can’t hear it all, he gets the picture, loud and clear.

I got blown up, I’m trapped, and I hurt my ribs. But don’t worry about me. Like Donnie could do anything else. “We’ll find you, Mikey.” He tells his brother, twisting his hands around the straps of his somehow still intact bag, “I promise.”

“...know…ee.” He responds, like that’ll make Donnie feel any better.

Now that Mikey seems to be relatively not dead though, Raph decides this is the time to start worriedly yelling at his younger brother. “Idiot! Were you trying to get yourself killed?”

“Raph!” Leo hisses half-heartedly.

“...ap…ornin…ge…lown up!”

And there go Mikey’s distressed jokes. “Ok Mikey, Raph. Shelf this conversation. We’re obviously stressed. Do you know where you are, Mikey?”

No response. “Mikey? You gotta help us here.” Donnie agrees.

“Mike.” Raph adds flatly.

There’s a huff that could be Mikey laughing, or just fuzz over the comms. “You with us, Mikey?” Leo tries again, hearing the same thing. They’re moving around again, although a lot quieter, as if they move too loud Mikey’s voice will disappear forever.

“Ye…ere.” Leo pauses. It… did he hear something else? From where Donnie is, it still sounds pretty staticky.

“Good. Right. Just keep talking.” Leo breathes a sigh of relief. “I think he’s over here guys! I got no static on my end. Mikey?”

Both Donnie and Raph rush over closer to Leo, waiting to hear Mikey’s answer. “Surround sound, Leo.” Thank the gods. “You’re not hurt, right?”

Of course Mikey asks how they are when he’s the one buried underneath a pile of rubble. His little brother is the most caring and kind person he knows. Even if Leo reassures Mikey that they’re fine, it doesn’t do much to assuage the concerns that Mikey isn’t. “You… Mikey. You weren’t responding, and I thought– we all thought that…” Donnie doesn’t say anymore. He doesn’t think he needs to elaborate.

“You can’t knock me down that easily. Or blow me up. Hah.” Mikey replies back, like he can just turn this whole thing into a joke.

When Raph snaps back at Mikey a few seconds later, and Mikey responds with an answer that minds well have been you’re standing right on top of me, Donnie wastes no time helping his brothers lift a concerning amount of rubble off of their little brother.

Mikey comes home with nothing more than some broken ribs, and the joy that now he can use jokes about getting blown up. Mikey shouldn’t have come home with just a few broken ribs. Donnie is struck with the feeling that Mikey shouldn’t have come home at all.

Donnie is right, he’ll realize soon. Mikey shouldn't have been able to come home.

He thinks this for a while. He thinks this late at night in bed, every night. He thinks about it for a while, until he tells himself to stop thinking about it.

Maybe. Well maybe some things are better left unknown… right?

(Not this. Not this, but then who’s really counting?)

Chapter Text

When they are seventeen years old, Michelangelo dies four times. Leo won’t know this for a while, not even after he finally confesses the number five to them, because even when Mikey is telling the truth he’s still keeping secrets, and so it’ll be almost three years before Leonardo finds out that his brother killed himself, tried to take himself away from Leo, from their brothers, from their father, from their friends, from the world.

That doesn’t change the fact that Leo is the oldest brother. Leo is the oldest brother, no matter by how little that is, and that means he’s always worried about his little brothers.

Always. He’s worried when Raph goes out with Casey on patrol for the night, when he storms off because he and Raph had another fight. He’s worried when Raph had decided that he needed to be the protector (that’s supposed to be Leo’s job, because that way his little brother isn’t hurt even more), when Raph charges headfirst into danger with a scowl on his face and a growl leaving his lips.

Always. He’s worried when Donnie locks himself in his lab to do dangerous experiments, when he doesn’t leave for long too long with his bags under his eyes and a mug of coffee gripped concerningly tight in shaky hands. He’s worried when Donnie places so much worth on the tech he makes, when he studies for long hours on medical books and surgeries because he guesses that’s something they need to know now.

Always. He’s worried when Mikey does dramatic and showboat-like tricks when fighting the enemy, when he doesn’t care about the people he provokes. He’s worried about how Mikey is always happy and doesn’t become anything more, when he decided he needed to bear the weight of everyone else’s problems on his shoulders. He’s worried about how he’s never seen Mikey angry, how he barely ever sees him upset.

He’s always worried about his little brothers, always. But… lately he’s been concerned.

It’s– Maybe he’s overreacting. Maybe it’s just him being anxious, and worried, and all those other things his little brothers tell him he is.

It’s just– it’s just this: Something has been off with Mikey. Something has been off for a while but has been really off for days now. Here’s the thing. Mikey has always been a good liar in his own right.

Not really, in most cases. Asking him outright about something, Mikey is the easiest person in the entire world to read. But when he’s really hurting, really upset, his littlest brother tends to hide behind jokes, smiles, carefully crafted words.

Smoke screens.

He shuts the world out without it looking like he’s doing it. The only problem is that Leo’s always been good at telling when someone is lying. Which is why he sees right through the smoke, to the beaten down eyes, and a smile that just seems a little more… tired.

Mikey knows it, too. He knows Mikey does. For the last few days, Mikey has avoided Leo like the plague. He’ll interact when others are near, but as soon as they’re alone, the walls come down.

The walls come down, and every time Leo tries to ask what’s wrong, all he gets is some combination of “I’m fine” and “Stop worrying so much.”

Which only makes Leo worry more.

Then today had happened, and Leo’s worry spiked up about 1000%. Mikey was acting completely and utterly fine . Normal. He served breakfast, and did training, and made lunch, and said all the right words and made all the right jokes, like he was compensating for something much bigger.

Mikey didn’t lock eyes with him the whole day. Which is when he went to Donnie and Raph, because maybe if he couldn’t figure it out himself (he should be able to, his little brother was hurting and hiding ), they’d be able to help.

“Have you noticed anything different with Mikey lately?” Donnie pulls up his mask, setting down… is that a soldering iron?!

His younger brother frowns. “...no? Should I?”

“I don’t know. Hasn’t something felt off to you?”

Donnie turns back towards his work. “Not that I can think of. Have you been sleeping well lately, Leo? You know you always get more paranoid after not sleeping well. Anxiety and all.” He waves Leo off, and he lets out an annoyed huff.

He hasn’t been sleeping well, but that’s because he’s been concerned about Mikey. “...I guess. It could be. Just thought I’d ask.”

“I’ll pay more attention to it, Leo. If that'll make you feel better.” He adds, before pulling down his mask and picking up the soldering iron again. He leaves the lab more upset than when he went in, even if that wasn’t his intention.

He closes his eyes, sucks in a large breath. Maybe he is overreacting. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe– “I’m off to the comic book store! Bye Leo!” Mikey’s cheerful voice rings out, and Leo whips his head up to face his baby brother. It’s the first time that they’ve made any form of eye contact all day, and it sends a sharp feeling of something through his chest.

Mikey just told him goodbye. It… the way his eyes look… manic sad hurt tired it sounds more like a real goodbye than a see you later type of goodbye.

And maybe he’s misinterpreting it, but when that smile curves onto his face, Leo kinda feels like he’s saying sorry and it’s not your fault . He’s really hoping it’s just his imagination. “Do you want some company?” He tries, because now he’s afraid.

He shrugs. “Thanks dude, but I’m good. I’m fine being alone, Lee. Promise.” Mikey never refuses company.

“Mikey, wait–” Before Leo can say anything else, he slips out into the sewers, disappearing from Leo’s sight. He feels like running after him. Which space and anxiety and fine all play over in his head, and Leo finds himself not moving . But also… maybe. Just to be sure. He should check Mikey’s room.

If there’s anything wrong, maybe he can find it there. He doesn’t want to invade his privacy, but Leo’s just so worried concerned terrified and he’ll do what he has to, what he needs to because–

“Why the fuck are ya going inta Mike’s room?” Raph’s voice rings out behind him, and Leo’s hand drops from the door. “Ain’t he out lookin’ at comics or some shit?”

He drops his head guiltily, playing with his fingers. “He left. I’m… I’m just worried, Raph.”

“So ya thought that the best way ta figure that out was ta go snoopin’ around his room?” He accuses, nodding his head towards the door. “Ya know, and I can’t believe that I gotta be the one ta say this, but couldn’t ya have just talked ta him?”

“He… left before I got the chance.”

“Uh-huh.”

Leo throws his hands out in the air. “He’s been acting weird! I don’t like it, Raph! Haven’t you guys noticed?”

Raph crosses his arms, eyes narrowing. “He’s been actin’ fine ta me. Ya gettin’ enough sleep there, bro?”

“Yes!” Raph raises an eyebrow at him. “No. But it’s just because I’ve been worried.” He admits, he pinches his forehead, feeling an oncoming headache. He really does need to sleep more. “He… Raph . I asked him if he wanted company when he left and said he was ‘good’ and ‘fine with being alone’. When has Mikey ever been fine with being alone?! ”

“He’s been acting weird all week, and now he’s been acting super weird all day, he won’t even look me in the eye–” His breath is starting to pick up, starting to go fast, and his heart is racing but he’s so worried what if something is wrong with Mikey and they don’t know they don’t know he doesn’t know–

Raph grabs ahold of his arms, and mimes deep breaths until Leo follows suit. Damn. Again? “Jesus, Leo. Take a fuckin’ breath. Ok, so maybe it is a little weird that Mike refused company. But that ain’t any reason ta go and kill yerself by suffocation.”

“Don!” Raph calls out, and he sees his little brother poke his head out of his lab. “Leo’s over here havin’ a fuckin’ panic attack. Fix it.”

“Fix it? Leo.” His purple-banded brother admonishes, coming over to their side, eyeing Leo up and down. “It doesn’t look like he’s having a panic attack to me.” He still seems cautious though, assessing. Doctor Donatello makes his appearance. Thanks, Raph.

“He was.” Raph argues, letting go of Leo’s arms with a slight shove.

Donnie sighs, but if it’s in relief or annoyance Leo doesn’t know. “That’s averaging 1.33 panic attacks per day this week. Four in three days is not good. Is this about Mikey? I told you–”

Raph throws out an annoyed hand towards Leo. “He’s all freaked because Mike refused Leo’s company and said he was fine with bein’ alone or whateva.”

“That’s… odd.” He concedes, although he still doesn’t seem all that worried, “But that doesn’t mean the whole world has to end, Leo. It’s getting close to our birthday. He could just be out buying presents.” Donnie reasons, even if it doesn’t make Leo feel any better.

“See?” Raph agrees, and the anger in his tone is clouded with more worry than anything. Great. On top of stressing about my little brother, I’ve stressed my other two little brothers out. “Now go sit in front of the TV and watch the news or whatever borin’ shows you usually watch.”

Raph doesn’t wait for him to answer, which would be a strong no, I have to make sure Mikey is okay, followed by even if I’m overreacting, because he starts to physically drag Leo towards the couch. When they get there he’s met with a half-hearted but threatening shove into his designated spot.

Leo should refuse, should pull the big brother card, but he is admittedly tired, and maybe watching TV will help to calm him down. And it turns out it does for an hour or two. It does. 

But then Leo starts to get worried again, and he starts to pace, and his heart starts to pick up, and Raph, who had been sitting there and scrolling through his phone, sees this practically ties Leo back to the couch.

“I ain’t gonna tell ya again, Leo. Relax.”

“But–”

“Just call Mikey and ask him to pick up pizza.” Donnie pipes up from behind them, stopping what looks like is a walk to the kitchen. “It’s almost dinner anyhow. He’s cooked dinner for like the past ten days or something, give the guy a break.”

Raph heaves out a put-upon sigh. “Fine. But you’re stayin’ here, Leo.” He walks off with Donnie towards the kitchen, and Leo turns down the volume of the TV to listen.

“Pick up some pizza on yer way home.” Raph’s voice demands suddenly, and Leo breathes a sigh of relief. Maybe he is okay if Raph is being his usual self.

But then something could be wrong, and Mikey could be hiding it. Even so… “You know, there’s something about asking nicely, Raph. It’s not that hard.” Can’t Raph just be nice for once? There’s no reason either way for him to be so demanding.

Even if Mikey is lying. Even if Mikey is upset, and scared, and alone, because Leo didn’t insist, Leo didn’t come with Mikey and–

His younger brother peeks out from the kitchen, eyes narrowing at him. “Ya know what else ain’t tha hard, Fearless? Beatin’ ya inta a pulp.” What a surprise. Raph is annoyed with him. Typical.

“Yeah, sure thing Raph.”

“You wanna bet–”

Donnie emerges from the kitchen too, glass of water in hand and an expression that’s halfway between annoyed and hopeful. “Can you tell him to get cheesy bread, too?” Him and Mikey are hooked on that stuff. Leo doesn’t mind it, but for his two youngest brothers it minds well have been the most addictive drug on the planet.

That, and Leo sees it for what it is. A distraction from the oncoming fight he was sure was about to happen between him and Raph. “I ain’t askin’ for cheesy bread, genius. Jesus, between you and ya cheesy bread and Mike and his stuffed crust…” 

“What?!” Donnie imitates one of Mikey’s most annoying whines in a way only the two of them have ever been able to accomplish. “But the cheesy bread is so good!”

“The cheesy bread is fine, but it ain’t good.” Raph counters, and Leo decides to keep quiet.

Donnie’s face instantly hardens. “Don’t you ever say that to me again.” He tells Raph in a dangerous tone.

Raph pulls his phone away from his ear at the same time, sending a glare between Donnie and the phone. Ah, he guesses that Mikey had said something similar. “Yeah. You two are related, alright.”

“No Raph,” Donnie scoffs, apparently deciding to take the role as instigator in lieu of Mikey, “We just have taste , something of which you know nothing about.”

Then he sprints to his lab before Raph can say anything more. Typical. “Just get da damn pizza, Mike.” He finishes, hanging up. He sends a pointed glare in Leo’s direction. “See? He’s fine, Leo. Can ya stop stressin’ out now?”

But what if he isn’t fine? “Sure, Raph.” He tells him instead, turning back to the TV. He stays there, watching, until Mikey comes back a few minutes later, pizza boxes and cheesy bread in hand. He looks normal, acts normal.

Leo asks him why he doesn’t have any comics. Mikey tells them he dropped them in a puddle, completely destroying them. Mikey is always so careful with his comics.

Smoke screens.

Maybe I should've checked Mikey’s room. He’ll regret that later, of course. Really regret it. He was so close, and if he had looked into his room, he might’ve found a note with his, Raph’s, and Don’s names on it.

Smoke screens.

Mikey has always been good at lying, when he needs to be. Leo just wishes he’d have only been a little worse. Or maybe… maybe it was just his anxiety acting up. He has this feeling, somewhere deep in his soul, that it wasn’t.

He guesses he should’ve listened.

Chapter Text

It’s– the first (ninth) time Raphael remembers Michelangelo dying, it happens in full technicolor, right in front of his face. And he goes berserk. When the bullet pops from the gun, when Mikey braces himself, when Raph is too slow to push him out of the way… it’ll be burned into his brain for the rest of his entire goddamned life.

The funny part about the whole thing is that it was supposed to be a normal patrol. And it was. It had been. The funny part was that they were going home after this. The funny part was that the whole night Mikey had been going on about some stupid movie he’d been wanting to watch, and that the day before he had coincidentally bought all of their favorite snacks.

The funny part wasn’t even gonna complain all that much when Mike inevitably asked him to do a “turtle slumber party”. It was funny because everything had been going good.

It was funny that he’d think turtle luck wouldn’t come to bite them in the ass.

It was just so funny.

“So I was thinkin’ that you should cut trainin’ this morning.” Raph tells his older brother, dodging a sloppy kick from a Purple Dragon. They could get them down in a few seconds easy, but he’s having fun playing with his food.

Leo’s also having his fair share of fun, because he only rolls his eyes and gives Raph an incredulous look when he suggests it to Leo. “And why would I do that?” A Dragon comes up behind his brother, and he doesn’t even look back, just puts his arm up in a lazy block, and both let out a snort on how the offender stumbles back.

Raph twirls around a discarded baseball bat he picked up from one of his buddies, considers giving it to Case. Not bad balance wise.

Nah. Still too good for his ugly face. “Because I’m tired and I don’t wanna do it. Dad ain’t home, cut yerself and us a fuckin’ break.”

“Wow. What a great excuse. You work on that one?” Leo deadpans, finally turning back to play with his last three attackers. Leo needs to lighten up. Gods, dad goes away for a little bit and Leo breaks out his drill sergeant routine.

He gives his older brother what he hopes is an intimidating glare. “You can’t tell me you don’t wanna a break from trainin’, Fearless.” Leo turns back to face him, and Raph has to backtrack, because he doesn’t know what he was thinking with that one. This is Leo after all. “Actually, don’t answer that. The point is give us a fuckin’ day off.”

“Sure,” Leo agrees, spinning his katana flashily, “If you can give me a good reason to do it.”

Of fuckin’ course. “I wanna work on my bike.” He tries. He doesn’t really need to work on his bike, but that’s a better reason… right?

“You can do better.”

He would ask Mike for his help here, if Mikey wasn’t at the other end of the alley. He can be creepily effective in convincing Leo of things when he really wants to.

Not that Raph is jealous or nothin’.

“I have some repairs to make to our cells and some new security updates to install!” Donnie butts in from further down in the alley, and Raph can’t help but send a smug look Leo’s way. He’s glad Don was listenin’ in. Leo is way more likely to listen to Donnie on this stuff than he is to listen to Raph. For whatever stupid reason.

Not that it bothers Raph of anything. It’s not like Raph’s opinion is really all that different from Leo’s. It’s just. Donnie has always been better at negotiating. Well… backtrack. Negotiating when it benefits him. Him and Mike, usually. Sometimes Raph, if he’s lucky.

Ya know. When they need to gang up on Leo because he's an overprotective mother hen all the damn time. It gets real annoying after a while.

Thank gods he’s not like that.

Either way, his older brother doesn’t say anything else about it. Which means he had already made up his mind before Don inserted himself into the conversation, but wanted to mess with Raph, like usual.

Leo really fuckin’ sucks like that, sometimes. It’s apparently a Leo thing. And he kinda gets what Donnie and Mikey are sayin’ sometimes, because he guesses that big brother(s) have this thing where they always have to mess with their younger siblings. Raph does mess with his younger siblings. Mikey’s the biggest complainer about that one.

So yeah, Raph is real annoyed with Leo, but then when isn’t he? At least this type of annoyance don’t involve any fighting, so he can live with that.

He and Leo have almost finished up (they’d finally gotten bored) when a large crack fills the air, followed by the echo of Donnie’s voice. It’s this cold and brutal thing that Don’s voice doesn’t ever do, unless he’s real pissed about something. “Be thankful I didn’t break your neck.” His brother spits out, and it sounds like a threat more than anything else.

Move and I’ll kill you without a second thought is really what he’s sayin’. Yep. Real pissed. “What the fuck has Don all worked up?” He just asks in general, but Leo’s eyes flick further down the alley where their two younger brothers reside.

Leo’s face pulls back into something carefully blank. “Mikey.” He clips out, and the next jab takes down their last buddy a little more brutal than necessary.

Raph feels himself tensing up, turns to see why Leo is suddenly so pissed. Donnie’s hands move around Mikey nervously, and when they touch the back of his head, Mikey lets out a sound that sorta sounds like a hiss. Donnie’s hands pull back immediately, and then he starts talking at about a mile-a-minute, like he does.

So Mike probably has a concussion. Fuckin’ great.

Somebody hurt my baby brother. Somebody hurt my baby brother, and they’re gonna pay if I have anything to say about it.

Even as they move down the alley, both of his siblings’ voices are considerably quieter, and it isn’t until they’re just a few feet from them that he’s able to hear Donnie joking back dryly: “Don’t get me started on those two.”

He sees Leo take a visible sigh of relief from the corner of his eye, and he feels his whole body relaxing too. If the two of them are joking, then maybe it ain’t as bad as they thought. “Get us started on what?” His older brother interjects, and they both startle, looking up.

“Nothing.” They say in the exact same voice at the exact same time.

“Yeah,” Raph scoffs, “it sure as hell sounds like nothin’.” He ain’t just talkin’ about their little gossip session over there.

“Everyone okay?” Leo confirms, eyes trailing Mikey like he can physically identify and heal every one of Mike’s injuries.

And then, in a typical response from both of his brothers, Mikey replies with a bright “Yes.” While Donnie predictably counters with a worried “Mikey probably has a concussion.”

Leo tenses up again, and Raph feels his face settle into a scowl. So someone gave his baby brother a concussion. Someone should really be careful, because Raph’s good mood is getting more sour by the minute. “He dislocated his shoulder too.” Donnie adds on helpfully, and it’s only then that he sees Mikey is holding his left arm carefully. Probably popped it back in. He’s not supposed to do that without someone else there. Idiot.

Raph tunes out the rest of conversation, which is just the two of them bickering, something about vibes and then something about guns and–

Wait. Fuckin’ backtrack. What the hell did Don just say?

He looks up from where he’s already halfway down the manhole, and now he truly understands why the fuck Donnie was so pissed. Someone just pointed a gun at his baby brother’s head, someone had a gun on his baby brother’s head, and now someone was gonna die.

Well, so much for his good mood. “Can we do this on the way home please?” Leo pleads, and although his voice comes out more exasperated than anything, Raph can still hear what his older brother is really saying. Can we please do this somewhere safer? Someplace where Mikey can’t get hurt?

Raph wholeheartedly agrees. He turns back to his original objective, but now with a more urgent get out and get the fuck away from here, and thankfully hears his brothers move closer.

Mike’s gonna milk this for all it’s worth, Raph knows it. He’s gonna try to convince them to do all kinds of things, especially with this movie night he’s got planned. And the problem is, it’s gonna work. Stupid younger brothers.

When he feels the rest of his family start to walk somewhat hurriedly across the dirty alley, he breathes a sigh of relief. They’re fairly quiet, even Mike for once, which is why it’s suddenly so easy to hear a gun click.

Raph freezes, looks up. He absolutely despises the sight he sees. Because a loaded, active gun is now raised point blank, again, at his little brother’s head. They all still, and Mikey turns around slowly, carefully.

None of them really have time to process what comes next, because a Dragon, a Dragon that is now gonna die a painful death, grinds out harshly, “You’re gonna die, freak!”

And Raphael sees it, what’s gonna happen next. He’s already climbing back out, already getting ready to move move move but he ain’t quick enough.

The gun fires.

The gun fires, and a bullet goes straight through his baby brother’s head.

Raph screams. It choruses with Leo and Donnie’s right as Mikey drops to the ground. Right as Mikey drops to the ground. Dead. Dead dead dead dead and gone. Dead. The Dragon lets out a shocked and brutal laugh, the grin on his face stretching wide and long. “That’s what ya get when ya mess with the Purple Dragons you ugly, green monsters.” His voice puffs out, proud. Proud.

Raph he– he sees red. 

The next thing he knows, that murderous asshole is choking on his own blood. Leo is wiping the blood stained on his katanas onto his wrist guards, and Raph feels the wet stickiness of his own bloodied hands. He pulls his sai out from where it’s been stabbed through the killer’s lung, and feels a faint sense of pride when he sees how beaten and bloody he’s become. It’s still not enough. It’ll never be enough. Dead dead dead my baby brother is dead–

He hears Donnie sob, and it spurs him into action. His youngest– it’s. Donnie’s the youngest, is cradling Mikey to his chest and he hears him plead to whatever higher power is listening– please please please please bring Mikey back give me my baby brother bring him back I’ll do anything–

And Mikey stares sightlessly at the night sky.

Leo is just staring soundlessly at Mike’s body, silent tears running down his face. Protect I couldn’t protect him I wasn’t enough– And what’s more eerie than anything is that Mikey is still, Mikey won’t move and Mikey is always moving…

Raph slams into the ground by his two brothers, slams hard. It makes a brutal sound, and it feels like a slap across the face, the sound the ground makes, like it has the right to hurt him more than the world already has – “Don’t you do this, Mikey! Don’t you fuckin’ do this!” His fist beat hard into the ground, it needs to hurt it needs to hurt like he hurts it needs to hurt like everything hurts– and… and he yells and shouts so loud that he feels like the whole world can hear, because he thinks that maybe if he does it enough Mikey will be there to tell him to stop to tell him it’s okay like he always does when the world is crumbling and their– at his feet and–

When he doesn’t have any more breath in his lungs, when Donnie and Leo can’t produce anymore tears, Raph can’t help but feel a sense of deja vu as he closes Mikey’s bright blue eyes. Except this time is the last time, and when Leo pulls up his mask to cover the…

Donnie lets go. Raph picks up their baby brother still still Mikey is never still, and he starts back home.

Nothing will be the same after this.

And he can’t help but come to the conclusion that this is his fault. He has a feeling that he ain’t the only one.

Good– Goodbye, Mikey. 

I’ll always love ya.

Chapter Text

When Donatello is nineteen years old, he watches his little brother, his only little brother, die for the first (ninth) time. Obviously he won’t know this until later, but the effect was all the same. Whether for the first, the ninth, or the ten millionth time, it won’t change the fact Mikey is dead.

It happens in almost slow motion you see. Like time seems to slow, so much that he can almost see the bullet as it shoots through his baby brother’s head. It goes something like this:

“You’re gonna die, freak!” The Dragon shouts, and presses the trigger before anyone can react. The bullet shoots out with a loud pop, and Mikey does this odd thing where he almost tenses, almost prepares himself. Not scared. More resigned.

(If Donnie had the time to really think about it, he’d almost think Mikey was annoyed by the whole thing. That Mikey was saying “here we go again”, like he just was ready to get the whole thing done and over with. If Donnie had the time to really think about it, he might even say that Mikey didn’t act like it was an ending, but more like a temporary pause. But Donnie doesn’t have the time to think about it, because… because…)

The Dragon is firing the gun, and Mikey is bracing himself for just a quick small second, and something odd is making an appearance across his face, and then the bullet drills straight through his skull. It digs into the brick behind them. And. And. And–

Mikey collapses.

Donnie screams. He screams as he falls right alongside his little brother, and it’s only distantly that he hears the Dragon snort out a cocky, “That’s what ya get when ya mess with the Purple Dragons you ugly, green monsters.”

When he comes back to himself, it’s to prayers leaving his lips. Whispers of no and please and I’ll do anything just bring him back mixing into a garbled mess of grief. He’s rocking Mikey back and forth, and comes to his senses enough to realize that he can’t fix this, that nothing can fix this. He only lets go when he can’t hold on anymore, only lets go when Raph’s eyes harden, when he sees him close Mikey’s eyes… when he sees Leo cover up the–the–

That’s when he lets go.

He wishes he had held on longer.

They’re halfway to the lair when Raph falls back to his knees, when he lets out loud, heart-wrenching sobs. Mikey is still gripped tightly in his arms, still clutched close to his chest. In a copy of Donnie just a few minutes before, Raph rocks Michelangelo, and prays to whoever is listening to bring their baby brother back.

Donnie feels more than sees himself hit the ground beside Raph. A moment later, Leo is right next to them, shaking hands trying to steady himself, while also trying to comfort his younger brothers.

It had– the silence had been the only sound before that– before a haunting sort of nothingness crept up and settled into his bones.

The nothingness followed a yawning numbness, and that numbness gave way to a brutal, all-encompassing silence . Which is weird in itself. Silence didn’t go where Mikey was. His youngest brother was always so bright, always so loud.

Loud and bright chased away the dark, and to think that he’d never hear him again…

Mikey would hate it.

“You can’t kill me, Raphie. I’m just too cool to kill.” He had said one day, so sure of himself. Teasing. Raph had made it clear that Mikey was dead meat, and going by the fact that his entire shell was covered in pink paint, Donnie didn’t blame him.

“Oh yeah,” Raph had scoffed, “That’s the reason.”

Mikey had grinned, seemingly unbothered by the whole thing. “But if I did die,” He had continued, “I would want you to throw me the best funeral ever. I’m putting you in charge, Dee. I expect disco balls, strobe lights, and at least two celebrities.”

“We don’t know any celebrities.” Donnie had pointed out, but Mikey had just shrugged. “And I’m not throwing a rave at your funeral.” Not that he’d be dying anytime soon, if Donnie and his older brothers had anything to say about it.

Mikey had flopped back onto the couch with an exaggerated pout. “Party pooper.”

He would hate this. “Mikey would hate this, you know.” His voice finally croaks out, and he feels more than sees his brothers stiffen beside him. “He wanted a whole party and everything.”

Leo lets out a wet laugh, grip tightening on where he’s clutched desperately to Mikey’s arm. “Yeah well, that’s Mikey for you. He once told me that ‘you should always look on the bright side of things, because being sad was too boring’.”

“Mikey is dead. There is no bright side anymore.” Raph states harshly. That gets Leo and Donnie to shut up. Not that he’d ever say that outloud, but Raph is right. Mikey was their bright side.

Mikey was the bright, and the loud, and the joy, and the happiness. Mikey was what made the world bearable. They live pretty shitty lives, all things considered. Being mutant turtles really puts a damper on most of the things. Like school, and friends, and relationships, and walking around in the daylight, and… well. Yeah.

And it hurts, a lot of the time. It hurts so much. To not be able to experience the things they want to experience. To not be able to go places, and learn, and enjoy like everyone else has the opportunity to.

But Mikey has always found the bright in the dark. When Raph gets particularly angry about not being able to walk outside without fear of being seen, about not being able to live normal, human lives, Mikey is there to tell him yeah, maybe it’s not great, but at least you don't have to pay taxes, bro. I don’t know about you, but I hear those things can get pretty expensive, just sayin’. And besides, then we’d have to pay for a place, and by New York’s standards, we already have a mansion. Can’t argue with that.

When Leo expresses his frustrations about how they can’t get the help they need when one of them gets hurts, when they can’t get the same commodities that normal people seem to get, Mikey just pats his shoulder and says yeah, that does kinda suck, but do know how expensive hospital bills are, dude? All that stuff we’re missing out on can’t be that great, can it? I mean, do normal people get to go on super awesome ninja adventures? I think not.

When Donnie gets particularly envious of the chances he’s missing out on–schooling, learning, experiencing–Mikey appears next to him with an arm around Donnie’s shoulders, pointing out that maybe so, Dee. But then you wouldn’t get this huge lab with all of this cool equipment, and wouldn’t have the time to work on all those cool projects. Besides, then we wouldn't get to spend so much time together, and I’m just a gem that you can’t pass up.

Mikey is always there to tell them that it’s okay. Mikey was always there to be a shoulder to cry on, a friendly face when they needed it most, a distraction of epic proportions from the world around them. And the thing is, Mikey, more than anyone, wanted to be out in the human world.

He didn’t express it so much as his brothers did, but it was in the little things. The long look at people as they laughed crossing the street, the way he’d watch the sun rise and the city awaken with a somewhat sad face. The excitement of parades and festivals from a sewer grate.

His baby brother would thrive in the human world. He’d be the most liked person around, because he’s the most likable person to exist. He’d have all the friends he’d want, because that’s what he deserved, and he would laugh his way through life, accomplish great things just because he could.

That’s why Donnie tries to combat Mikey’s own hidden feelings with gestures of his own. It’s better than words, because Donnie has never been very good with those. I was thinking maybe we could try sneaking into NYCC this year. We’d have to get pretty creative with our costumes, but between the two of us I’m sure we could figure something out. Mikey’s smile had been as bright as the sun.

I know it’s not actually going to the parade, Donnie had shrugged, throwing on the TV, but I was able to sneak a few cameras onto some of the performers, figured we could watch live from here.

Maybe not as good as Mikey, but he thought it would do.

His little brother deserved everything. Which is why it’s so horrible that now he’s got nothing. No smile. No laugh. No sound. No life.

It takes them a horrid amount of time to get home. It turns out that the sewer floor is a good place to cry actually, and by the time they finish, again, it’s been almost an hour since he’s– since Mikey has– since–

Leo offers to carry their baby brother the rest of the way… he’s the smallest, next to Mikey, but that’s not to say he can’t lift their brother, but Raph just knocks his hand away, and Michelangelo stays resolutely glued in his brother’s arms.

Donnie doesn’t blame him. Leo doesn’t argue. Mikey stays silent.

Mikey, he comes to the horrifying conclusion, will stay quiet forever. He doesn’t voice that outloud. His big brothers already know.

The lair echoes with silence, something sharp and stinging burying itself underneath his skin. Only the sound of their footsteps fill their home, and they feel more like a funeral march than anything else. “Ugh. Stop being so quiet. It’s boring. If you’re gonna be all dramatic about it, at least play me a fitting outro song, like ‘Welcome to the Black Parade’ or something.”

Donnie lets out a slight snort. His older brothers flash him a quick look, but quickly go back into their own misery. Look, it might just be a ghost inside of his head, but even then Donatello knew that this is something that Mikey would absolutely say. Actually, he knew a lot of things Mikey would say. Lots of things.

The lab door opens with this horrible sounding screech, and Donnie flinches back a little at the sound. “You really need to get that door fixed, Dee. That sound gives me a headache.” Yeah, he’s been meaning to do that.

They place him on the metal table Donnie has off to the side of his lab–their own little medical wing, if you will. The metal one is for surgery, then there’s a more comfortable one for recovery. He wants to place Mikey on the comfier one, the nicer one. But he’ll need to… sew up the– the wound eventually, the soon eventually. When father wants to see him. When April and Casey want to see him.

But right now he can’t do that. Right now he can only stare at his baby brother, can only stare until he’s covered him with an old sheet he’d been using to cover one of his more recent projects. Mikey had kept begging him to take a peek at it.

Donnie should've let him.

“It’s okay, Donnie. Don’t worry about it.” Mikey whispers in the back of his mind, kind. Gentle. It makes it hurt even more. 

Donnie is the last to leave the room. He stands there and stares at Mikey for too long, too much it hurts too much my baby brother is gone, until Leo puts a gentle hand on his shoulder.

It tugs him backwards just a bit, and when he finally looks up, he sees Raph hanging back by the door, arms crossed defensively, Leo’s defeated slump outlining the way he says, “Let’s go, little brother.” And he can’t do anything but let his big brother pull him back, although his eyes stay on Mikey the entire way to the door.

Raph disappears first, then Leo, then Donnie. He takes one last look before he’s pulled out, and for a second, for a slight second, it almost looks like Mikey’s fingers twitched. “Now you’re just seeing things.” His little brother laughs from behind him.

Yeah. He’s probably just seeing things.

Chapter Text

The lab door shuts with a resounding thud. It’s final, the way it closes. Which is funny, all things considered. Leonardo doesn’t think of many things as final. Yet here he stands, here the door closes, and here comes the final time he’ll ever be able to breathe properly again.

The door slams. With it, his view of Mikey. With it, the final vestiges of hope leave him. Everything is final after Mikey.

Michelangelo is dead, and nothing else matters.

He can still hear it – the pop of the gun, the way his baby brother collapses onto the dirty, vile, wet alleyway, the way the life goes out of the Dragon, slowly, painfully – he can still hear it all. It replays in his mind again and again and again.

In the end, he couldn’t save his baby brother. In the end, he failed Mikey.

It’s his job, to protect his little brothers. Yeah, sure, he’s the leader of their team, but none of that matters if he can’t make sure his baby brothers are safe, alive, and happy. He loves them more than anything in the entire world, in the entire universe, more than their father, more than ninjutsu, more than life itself.

They’re everything.

It’s his job to protect them. It’s his job. I did a pretty shit job of it, seems like. My baby brother is dead, my baby brother is gone, and it’s all my fault.

His sunshine, their sunshine, is gone. Mikey was the bright and the happy and the loud and everything joyous in Leonardo’s life. And he barely got to experience it, not even twenty years. It’s not enough. It’ll never be enough.

Somehow, not that he really knows how that somehow is, he manages to make it to the kitchen. Mikey’s kitchen.  

The last thing he honestly, truly remembers is pulling Donnie out of the lab. His little brother just stood there, mumbling to himself. Leo’s not even sure if he knows he’s doing it, at this point. The words seem to blend together in the yawning hole of emptiness surrounding them all.

Leo doesn’t blame him. He figures he’s only one step away from doing the same. But Raph’s already at the door, and he doesn’t seem ready to leave without either of them, like he can’t let Leo and Donnie out of his sight… so he puts his hand on Donnie’s shoulder, gently pulls him towards the door. Donnie stares the longest.

He thinks he cries longer.

There are tears running down his face. Leo doesn’t really cry loudly. But he feels the tears leave all the same, and by the time he’s thinking semi-clearly again, his hands are wrapped around a mug of his favorite tea, and he’s walking himself over to the kitchen table.

It’s the only warm thing that he’s had all night. It’s not warm enough. He doesn’t drink it.

When he gets to the table, he finds Raph already sitting across from him, fists clenching and unclenching periodically, jaw locked in a tight frown. Donnie plops down a second later, and his eyes lock on a cabinet past where Mikey si– past where Mikey sat, fiddling with a pencil in his hand. It seems none of them are capable of being alone.

Leo doesn’t really want to be alone. I failed I failed I failed I failed my little brother he’s dead he’s dead he’s dead and gone because I failed him–

The mug of tea still sits in his hands. Leo is afraid to let go. The mug is a beautiful thing, painstakingly painted cherry blossoms lining the sides, glazed and shining and stunning. It’s a work of art, truly. He got it for Christmas two years ago, and Mikey’s smile had been so hesitant, so excited. Leonardo doesn’t know why he wouldn’t like it, his little brother made it.

His little brother could’ve made the worst piece of art imaginable, and Leo would’ve framed it in his room.

Mikey was always such a great artist. He’s the most– He was the most creative person that Leo ever knew. He was so proud of his baby brother. He’s always proud of him. My golden sunshine.

“...you like it Leo? Really like it?” Mikey rubbed his hands nervously, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Raph and Don were both engrossed in their motorcycle parts and textbooks respectively, but Mikey was focused on him, all his presents pushed to the side.

Leo smiled, smiled like he truly meant it. He did, obviously. “Of course I like it, Mikey. Why wouldn’t I?” Then, scanning the mug a little more, he added: “You’re a real artist little brother. I couldn’t be more proud.” Mikey lit up like the sun.

The next box he found beside it had his favorite tea, and a ton of marshmallows. And… Leo’s heart melted. 

When Mikey sunk into his hug just a few seconds later, Leo found himself having the best Christmas he’d had in a long time.

He’s used it everyday since. Leo loves this mug, because he loves his little brother. A little brother who had the kindest heart in the whole universe. Kinder than Leo had ever been, kinder than most people ever would be.

My sunshine.

His sunshine is gone. His sunshine has a bullet hole in his head, and an empty look in his eyes. Leonardo feels empty. Leonardo feels the emptiest he’s ever felt. He didn’t know something could hurt as much as this.

He didn’t know something could ever hurt as much as this. The tea grows colder. He can’t help but stare. There’s nothing else to do, after all.

HIs baby brother is dead. He failed. His baby brother is dead, and he failed. Mikey had been one of the only real good things in his life, and now he was gone. Raph was right. Mikey was dead, and there wasn’t a bright side anymore.

Mikey was their bright side. He sure as hell was Leo’s.

He grips the mug a little tighter. Not enough to break, never enough to break. If he broke it, then it’d be gone, and it was his and it was Mikey’s and it was theirs and he can’t destroy that. He can’t destroy anything else.

The warmth that once surrounded it is gone, and now all he feels is empty. Because Mikey left, and when Mikey left he drained the sunshine, when Mikey left he brought Leo’s whole world with him, and now all he’s just empty.

Empty empty empty empty empty–

Donnie straightens on the other side of the table. Straightens, and Leo briefly glances over at him, only to find his eyes wide. Shocked. And staring at something past Leo’s shoulders. The energy in the room shifts.

Someone else is here.

Which is when Donnie confirms his fear. Confirms it, but not in the way Leo imagined. Never in the way Leo imagined. “...Mikey?”

Leo shoots up, and whips his head around to look at where Donnie is staring. And sure enough, standing in the entrance to the kitchen is his little brother, alive and well. He’s got a half smile on his face, and his eyes scan over the three of them… assessing. Worried. Surprised. “You guys partyin’ without me? I’m offended.” He jokes.

He jokes. Mikey follows that up by stumbling back, hand coming up over his heart dramatically. When Leo doesn’t answer, when Donnie doesn’t answer, when Raph doesn’t answer, his little brother’s face morphs into a frown. “I’m not… I’m not going crazy, am I? You– you’re supposed to be… you’re supposed to be dead.” Don chokes out, disbelief clear in every part of him, Leo finds himself feeling the same.

Of course, Mikey jokes again. Mikey always makes jokes when he’s stressed. But all Leo can think about is alive alive alive. His baby brother is alive and joking and here and the whole world seems to slide back into place. But also, there’s something odd working across Mikey’s face.

Because when Donnie tells him he’s supposed to be dead, it kinda looks like he’s thinking duh, I was and I don’t know why everyone’s so surprised that I came back but it’s so fleeting that Leo might just be imagining things.

So fleeting that his thoughts immediately go back to alive. Mikey frowns again when no one answers. His little brother doesn’t like being ignored and he especially doesn't like the silence. “...guys?” He tries again, and this time his voice comes out more hesitant, unsure.

Can’t have that. Leo practically knocks his chair back standing up, and he’s pulling Mikey into a hug before he can really even process he’s doing it.

“Oh, otouto,” alive alive alive, “I never– I never thought that… I never thought that I’d see you again.” Mikey sinks into Leo’s hug, and it faintly feels like he’s apologetic. Leo doesn't really care. When Don and Raph join a few seconds later. Leo really doesn’t care.

Leo doesn’t let go for a long while. Leo doesn’t feel like he could let go even if he wanted to. He’s going to keep his baby brother here forever, because forever means he’ll never leave Leo again, and forever means alive.

Not that Mikey seems to mind. His little brother goes uncharacteristically quiet in a way that he never does, and Leo responds by gripping onto Mikey a little harder.

I’m here, I’ve got you, and I’m never letting go.

Eventually, Leo leans in a little more, and Mikey cringes back from their hold with a slight hiss. This seems to break the moment, and Leo’s heart spikes, and Don goes into doctor mode with a what’s wrong are you hurt to which his baby brother responds with a slightly whiny voice of “ My head hurts.”

Yeah, he’s sure it does. That being said, it spurs them into action again, and he’s guiding Mikey over to his seat, who’s a little more unsteady than Leo would like him to be, as his other little brothers rush around the room, grabbing food and medicine.

Once they’ve gotten the food and medicine into their baby brother, Donnie asks the question they’ve all been wondering since Mikey appeared alive in the kitchen. “Mikey… how are you even alive right now?”

It’s a little redundant of a question because he’s pretty sure Mikey doesn’t know, like Leo doesn’t know, like Donnie and Raph don’t know. But his baby brother confirms it anyway with a shrug. “Beats me.” A little too nonchalant for Leo’s liking.

“Holes through yer skull don’t jus’ fuckin’ disappear, Mike.” Raph snaps back at him, and it’s not very tactful, it’s not very nice, but it’s true. And his little brother is scared.

There was a bullet in your head, Raph is really saying, and now there’s nothing. We don’t get miracles in this family, Mike, so what gives?

Mikey tenses up beside him. “Yeah, like I don’t know that already, Raph.” It’s a slight bit offensive, a slight bit scared. And maybe Leo feels the same way, because as soon as he snaps at Raph he regrets it, and Mikey’s gentle nudge reminds him to relax, just a little.

Not enough though, because when Mikey says I really don’t know how Leo detects something like deception in his tone. And when Donnie asks him what do you remember his answer is very dismissive. I got hurt, we were gonna go home, I died, I woke up, my head hurt, I was dizzy, and now here I am.

Which is mildly concerning until Mikey mentions that he’s surprised they’re here. And it’s not the surprised “I didn't expect you to be grieving” but more the “I didn't think you’d be doing it so long.”

Leo straightens up in his seat yet again. “That isn’t true… is it, Mikey?” He echoes Don and Raph’s sentiments, and really hopes that what he’s thinking is wrong.

Mikey seems determined to prove him right, though. “Well, it’s just– I was hoping you weren’t.” He rubs the back of his head, like maybe now he’s thinking it wasn’t a good idea to say anything … “I was hoping you weren't here, ‘cause… I dunno. My head hurts and I was kinda dizzy and I was just gonna go to bed and hope that in the morning I’d feel better, and you guys would feel better and…”

Wait. Backtrack. Did he just say…

“Did I say something wrong?” His baby brother says at the same time as Donnie screeches out “Why in the hell would we feel better in the morning?!”

Raph’s eyes widen, and then almost immediately narrow into something that tries to cover up the hurt he’s feeling. “What the fuck, Mikey.”

“Mikey,” Leo agrees, “You can’t actually believe we’d feel better after a night of sleep, do you?” And Leo sees it then. Mikey does. He’s under the impression that his life isn’t important enough to be grieved for a few hours.

I failed I failed I failed– “I’m tired.” His baby brother sinks in on himself, effectively ending their conversation. On purpose. Definitely on purpose. 

“Yeah, ok.” He cops out, for the sake of his baby brother, “You need sleep. We all need sleep. But we’re talking about this in the morning, understand?”

“TV area.” Leo decides on after a minute, when Mikey doesn't answer. “Raph: Mikey. Donnie: Pillows. I’ll get blankets.” All of them nod, and Raph gives a shove to their baby brother.

He’s half-asleep at the table, and Leo’s not really sure of all of what he’s hearing, but the shove makes him nod, and he stands up, unsteady, and starts walking towards his room. Raph gives a huff of fond annoyance, and Leo sprints from his spot, Donnie not far behind him.

By the time they make it back to the couch, Raph has finagled Mikey onto the couch, which most likely means shoving, until Donnie complains and makes Mikey stand again to pull it out. Then Mikey gets shoved again.

His baby brother is too tired to put up much of a fight. They move around quickly, Donnie settling next to Mikey, Leo setting up his spot on the floor, Raph in his seat.

“Guys!” His baby brother finally shouts, and it’s almost funny when the three of them say, in synch, “What?!”

“What is going on right now?”

“Go ta sleep, Mike.” Raph tells him, and settles back into his seat, closing his eyes. When Mikey complains again, Leo makes sure to tell him goodnight in a final tone, and then silence settles over the room.

Alive alive alive. My baby brother is alive. I can’t ask for much more than that.

Alive. Alive. Alive.

Leo falls asleep with alive being the only thought going through his head.

Chapter Text

When Raphael wakes up, it’s to Leo’s soft footsteps walking towards the kitchen and the quiet singing of Mikey in time with the sizzle of the pan on the stove. And ain’t that crazy. Because Mikey is alive, when there is no way in hell that he ever shoulda been.

Pop. Woosh. Drop. Dead.

He had a bullet. In his skull. They’ve done a lot of stupid and death-defying things in the past – usually coming out unscathed on the other side – but this… this is one problem that shouldn’t be fixable. This is one problem that didn’t have a bright side, and yet here his baby brother is, singing his stupid songs in the kitchen and making breakfast, like everything is all fine and dandy.

Everything is not all fine and dandy.

Blood. Concrete. Laughing. Dead.

He can’t understand how his baby brother is here. He can’t. He wants to know, he swears. But don’t look a gift horse in tha mouth, and don’t as a rule tempt fate, ‘cause turtle luck can never work in their favor.

Turtle luck never works in their favor. Raphael has it on good authority, has seen the way it’s hurt and beat down his family. He’s not making the mistake of trusting it ever again.

He throws a pillow at Don’s head, who’s still sound asleep on the couch (Mikey musta jumped over the back of it), and stands up from his own chair. He rolls his head, stretches his arms, and watches in amusement as his little brother jolts awake… falling to the floor in the process. “Up and at ‘em, Genius. Mike’s makin’ breakfast.”

Donnie groans from his spot on the floor, but Raph don’t feel any sympathy. He shoulda been payin’ betta attention, even if he’s sleepin’. “Fuck you too, Raph.” Donnie says, stumblin’ to his feet.

His brother sure as fuck ain’t a morin’ person. “Wait. Mikey’s making breakfast?” His brain finally catches up to him, and he peers worriedly over to the kitchen. “I thought he’d be…”

“Moanin’ and groanin’ and complain’ all around the lair?”

Screaming. Rage. Grief. Dead.

“Well… yeah.” So did I. “But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. If the world was ending Mikey would act like he was fine to stop us from worrying. It’s one of his signature features. We should probably give him and Leo a presentation on ‘ignoring things until they go away’. It’d be beneficial.” Donnie replies conversationally, although he can already see the beginnings of ideas working their way through his brother’s head.

Raph shrugs, turning his head to look over at the kitchen. The smell of… probably omelets is stronger now, and he’s hungry. “Look. Whateva is goin’ on, we can’t find out from here, which means findin’ out from there. With food in our stomachs. I’m starvin’.”

Don’s face turns into a slight frown that doesn’t really fit him, giving a shrug of his own. “Yeah, okay. I guess.”

As expected, when they get to the kitchen, Mikey is over at the stove, and Leo is sitting down with a cup of that stupid tea he likes so much. And as expected, Mikey is humming along to a song like nothing is the matter, and he’s totally fine.

Which is typical. Because if Mike ain’t beggin’ for their attention, then he’s doing the exact opposite. So when Leo asks if Mikey is okay, he doesn't wait for his little brother to respond, that way he doesn’t have to hear the idiot lie even more than he does. “Of course he ain’t feelin’ okay, Leo. What kinda stupid ass question is that?”

Leo responds with a typical answer, which is to say he gets mad at Raph, which is fuckin’ annoying, to be honest. Not a surprise. But still annoyin’.

And next comes a typical response from Don, and even though he was already moving to wash his hands, he still glares at his brother as he walks by, because he didn’t have to point it out. Gods, all his brothers are so annoyin’. “Don’t ask a stupid question Leo, because you already know the fuckin’ answer.”

“Just because I know doesn’t mean I can’t ask. I don’t think any of us are okay.”

“Oh, what a fuckin’ suprise.”

“C’mon, do we really have to do this? Why are we even arguing?” Don butts in, which he definitely doesn’t need to do.

Raph turns to glare at him. “Don’t you start too, Don. Leo is bein’ dumb, like Leo does. I’m just tellin’ him to stop doing stupid things. It should be a lesson.”

“A lesson, Raphael?”

Donnie lets out a groan, purposefully shoving Raph as he sits down, almost knocking him off his chair. Like an asshole. He must be taking lessons from Fearless. “You wouldn’t know how to stop doing stupid things if you tried, Raph.”

Raph scoots his seat farther away from Don, pointing a threatening finger in his younger brother’s face. “You betta watch yer mouth, Don. Yer on thin fuckin’ ice.”

His brother rolls his eyes. “Okay, sure Raph.”

“Raph, Don c’mon–”

Mikey interrupts Leo with a loud groan. “Geez, you guys, I feel fine. Gosh, big brothers.” Idiot. Absolute fuckin’ idiot. His baby brother grabs all of their plates, bringing them on over to the table with ease, as Mike does. Mike is a big fuckin’ lair.

Donnie’s face does that annoyin’ frown thing that Raph hates, because it’s kinda like when Mikey does his stupid eyes that convince Leo to let him do anything he wants. Honestly he’d just like it if both of them stopped. Right now. “You don’t have to lie to us, Mikey.” Donnie’s voice finally pipes up, “It’s okay to not be okay.”

He already knows how this is going to go. “Right,” Mikey tells them through a mouthful of omelet, “but I am okay.” He looks up at them, and he must not like whatever has crossed over Leo and Don’s face (not him, because he’s got a good poker face) because he feels the need to add a not at all reassuring. “Really.”

Raph doesn't like that Mike is lying. Raph doesn’t like that Mike is acting like he’s fine. But he really doesn’t like it when Mikey tells them “I don’t see what the big deal is.” That implies things.

That gives Raph more worries. That makes his face pull into a frown, makes him look at Mikey like he’s seeing someone new. Because it goes like this: Mike is like their… happiness. He’s supposed to be smiling and joking and laughing all the damn time, because that’s what he’s supposed to be. What he’s always been.

But I don’t see what the big deal is implies things like I’m not important enough to worry about and what does it matter that I died? It implies things like that.

It implies things that I really don’t want it to fuckin’ imply.

Which is when, of course, Mikey apologizes. Mikey does that too much. Raph hates it. Leo and Don agree. But when they corner Mikey about it, ask him why he always does that, Raph can see that it was a mistake. Because his baby brother doesn’t understand, really doesn’t understand, and the only thing they get out of it is another apology and a repeat of his earlier words.

Raph is really hopin’ he doesn't say it again. “We’re not mad at you Mikey.” Donnie tries to explain. Key word: tries. Raph can tell that this ain’t gonna go well. “You don’t need to apologize for that. What we’re upset about is the fact that you don’t care that you died. You have to understand… you just– you were dead, Mikey. Does that not scare you?”

“No.” And there the fuck it is.

He should’ve… he should’ve seen this coming. His baby brother is the happiest person he knows. But that’s pretty much all he is. Yeah, sure. He gets upset sometimes, but Raph knows a thing or two about covering up how you’re really feeling. Nobody can be that happy all the time. Nobody can. 

He don’t know why he expected Mikey to be.

He’s the one good thing left in this world. He can’t be broken too. I can’t have missed this. I can’t have missed this. Because if he’s as broken as the rest of this damned world, I’ll have to tear it down to pieces. Anything for him.

“I don’t see what the point is in being scared.” His little brother tries again. It don’t really work. “Yeah, does it suck that I died? Sure.” Well that ain’t worryin’ at all. “Would I not have liked to be dead for almost three hours? Yeah.” He shrugs, and Raph gets the impression that he’s more annoyed at being dead for so long than he is about actually being dead. “Does it suck that you guys had to see that? Absolutely. But I’m alive now, and maybe I don’t know how, and maybe I won’t ever know how, we’ll never know how, but that’s okay. ‘Cause I’m back, and you guys are okay, and that’s all that matters, right?”

No. No fuckin’ way. “But what if ya didn’t come back, Mike? What then? None of us had a fuckin’ clue you were gonna come back, and it was… it was terrifyin’.” Raphael thinks that was most terrifyin’ moment of his entire life.

And– and then Mikey has the audacity to say that they’re just being mother hens. Look he gets that Leo is a mother hen, but Raph sure as hell ain’t. But that’s not really what he’s worried about right now. “That’s yer fuckin’ counteroffer?!”

“It’s a good counteroffer. I’d take it.”

Seriously? I can’t with this fuckin’ kid sometimes. And Raph’s about to say my next counteroffer is a punch through the face, when Don beats him to it. “That’s a horrible counteroffer, Mikey.”

And Mike still doesn't understand. “I don’t know what you want me to say.” Is what he tells them, which also implies things. Because that means he’s only sayin’ what he’s sayin’ in a poor attempt to comfort them. Which is when Leo and Don start in on Mike again.

The point is this and the point is that and how do you not understand this and Mikey is really not gettin’ it, and they just keep tryin’ like that’ll change anything, and Mikey keeps repeatin’ the same stuff, and honestly, Raph’s just kinda done with this whole dance.

“What is the point, then?!” Mikey finally yells, and his brothers really shoulda seen this comin’,“You guys just need to stop making a big deal about this! I wish you hadn’t been there, that way when I woke up, you wouldn’t have had to worry! You guys are overreacting so much that I–” He lets out a puff of air, trying to calm himself down.

Overreacting? Did he just fuckin’ say that? Of course he did. Of course he said that, because he’s Mikey, and he’s always tryin’ to people please his way through life, and apparently that means putting up this whole fuckin’ act like they can’t see right through it.

“You mean if, Mikey. You didn’t know you were going to wake up.” …what? Wait. Hold the fuck up. Mikey betta not be sayin’ what I think he’s sayin’.

“...what? Oh. Yeah. Of course, Dee.”

That little lair. Raph is– Raph knows where Don’s goin’. Raph knows what Leo’s thinkin’ because he’s thinkin’ the same thing. And then Don says the word imply. Don says it, which is when it really sinks in.

Raph is wishin’ it didn’t. “What are ya sayin’, Don?” Say it. Say it. Say it and make it real.

“I’m saying that– that when … that the way he’s acting… it implies that Mikey knew he would come back. That Mikey knew he could survive death, because it’s happened before.”

And Mikey’s eyes spark in panic. His whole body shifts back, like he’s getting ready to run, and his face twists into a contorted smile. “You know what?” His laugh screams nervousness. It screams fuck they found out. “I just misspoke. Sorry about that. You know me, always saying weird stuff. Anyways, I’ll be right back, I just need to go grab something…”

Don’t let him leave. Not now, not ever. Leo pushes Mikey back down, and Raph makes sure he knows what’s coming next. “Awh hell no, Mike. We’re talkin’ about this.”

Mikey’s face falls. It falls a lot. And Raph knows then. He knows that Mikey ain’t as open of a book as he thought, ain’t as bad of a liar. Because he knows. He knows that he’s hiding something big.

And Raph… for the second time in forever, finds himself terrified. He really fuckin’ hates how it feels.

Chapter Text

Donatello is starting to have some issues, you see. That’s not to say that he doesn’t already have issues, he’d be worried if he didn’t with all the stuff he and his family have been through, but these issues are more recent. More pressing. Actually, they’re really recent and absolutely pressing.

And it’s starting to worry him. It’s starting to worry him so. much.

So he starts by dealing with it the only way he can deal with it – looking at it from a scientific perspective. A thing to be proven, to be solved. A puzzle. A way to know and a way to eventually help.

Which leads him to his hypothesis: Mikey is hiding something. Mikey is hiding something big, something horrible, and he’s been hiding it for a long time.

But to prove this he needs to look at the whole story, needs to look at all the facts.

Fact #1: Michelangelo is, above all else, a people pleaser. 

He needs to make everyone happy, because when everyone else is happy, he’s happy. Mikey will do anything and everything to keep their spirits up – jokes and sly comments and laughter and brightness. It’s an amazing feature, and Donatello truly feels he tries to find happiness in everything.

Of course, the people pleaser has its downsides. Donnie has long since expected that sometimes Mikey puts himself in the line of fire that way no one else has to be hurt. Donnie tries to curb this as much as he can… but Mikey is always trying to become the punching bag, the person people lay their feelings on to feel better, while they keep their own inside.

He tries as hard as he can. Tries to ask Mikey how he’s doing, tries to respect his feelings and boundaries. He thinks it works. He thinks it helps. Mikey, Donnie feels, tries to ignore his problems as much as he can. But unfortunately Ignoring means not dealing.

A common problem in this family, it seems.

So Mikey is a people pleaser. Mikey will do anything and everything to keep his family happy, to keep the team morale up. This is Fact #1.

Fact #2: Michelangelo likes to misdirect. 

When they’re fighting their enemies, Mikey’s mastery of misdirection often proves useful. He’s excellent at getting people to look right, so they can be hit on the left. He’s good at that, great even, and it saves him and his brother’s lives more times than Donnie can count.

But… he also wears his heart on his sleeve. His emotions are always visible. Which is not a bad thing, per say. It makes him real, makes him easy to read. Which is why he’s so worried, especially lately, that maybe his habit of misdirection is not just a facade for the enemies.

He’s starting to think Mikey sometimes uses it on Donnie. On Leo, and Raph. Because Mikey is always happy, and Mikey is always positive.

There’s a flash of something else, sometimes. A flash of emotion that Donnie isn’t expecting, quicker than the speed of light. It’s there. It’s gone. And then Mikey’s smile is brighter, his laugh louder.

Michelangelo likes to misdirect. He likes to change emotions and situations to his favor with pretty words and an upbeat attitude… both with their enemies and at home. This is Fact #2.

Fact #3: Michelangelo faces life-threatening situations with minimal worry. 

He faces them like it’s not something to worry about. He faces them with a certain sort of apathy that is mildly concerning. He faces them, assesses them, and then determines, every single time, that it’s not a problem he needs to worry about.

So Mikey doesn’t worry… or maybe he just doesn’t understand. Either way, he faces death without a care in the world. This is Fact #3.

Fact #4: Michelangelo gets shot in the head with a gun, and a moment before it happens he doesn’t look scared. He doesn't look afraid. I can’t believe this is happening, Donatello hears him say, and I don’t wanna deal with this right now.

He’s shot right in front of Donnie, point blank. He bleeds out on the ground, and Donnie holds a cold body, and the world breaks apart and collapses around him, with the persisting thought of I can’t fix this.

This fourth fact can also be categorized as the moment the whole world breaks, and Donatello loses what little light he had left. It’s the moment he realizes there’s no more movie marathons, no more excitement about building cool machines, no more pizza runs, no more quiet hums coming from the kitchen while the stove sizzles, no more debates over the best Star Trek series, no more theories about comics, no more laughter, no more jokes, no more life. He’s dead, he’s dead and gone my baby brother–

This is probably the worst fact of them all. Donatello will always hate Fact #4, because he’ll never forget the sound of the gun going off, never forget the fear and the dead and the gone gone gone my baby brother is gone– he’ll never forget that. He’ll never forget–

No. He’s not going there again.

Mikey doesn’t care, and in the face of that horrible, horrible situation, looks more resigned, more annoyed than anything else. Here we go, he says. This is Fact #4.

Fact #5: Michelangelo comes back from the dead, rises not even three hours later. 

Well. Two hours and forty-seven minutes, he should supply. Because he was keeping count. Because every minute hurt more. He rises from the dead, walks into the kitchen, and smiles at them. Smiles at Donnie like he just gave him the world, and his whole world, the one shattered and broken, rebuilds itself back together.

It’s not possible. It can’t be possible. There’s not a single mark on Mikey’s head. He shouldn’t even be alive right now. He feels so warm when Donnie slams into his side. I don’t– I can’t understand this. Mikey’s head hurts, and he’s tired. Nothing more. Gods above, I’ve never believed miracles. I don’t think I have any other choice but to believe in them now.

Mikey rises from the dead, picks himself up and walks himself to the kitchen, smiles and jokes and laughs. This is Fact #5.

Fact #6: Michelangelo acts like nothing is wrong, like nothing life-shattering and world-ending has happened.

As a matter of fact, Mikey seems to be under the impression that this is no more important than the night rain stopping their patrol early. Annoyed? Sure. Bummed? Yeah. But not… but nothing else. It’s the… it’s the apathy again. 

It’s the Gosh, I feel fine (like he’d feel any different) and the I don’t see what the big deal is (like dying and coming back to life isn’t the most shocking news in all of eternity) and the that doesn’t scare me (because why would it?) and the what is the point of this (they shouldn’t be worrying about it, obviously), it’s all of that.

It’s the eye rolls, and the annoyed huffs, and you’re being mother hens and distinct lack of caring. It’s the deciding that there’s nothing wrong, and it’s the attitude that no one needs to worry about it. This is Fact #6.

Fact #7: “I wish you hadn’t been there, that way when I woke up, you wouldn’t have had to worry!” Mikey tells them.

And this fact is simple. This fact is an indication. This fact implies one thing: Mikey was positive he was going to survive, because he had done so before. This is Fact #7.

But he still doesn’t have all the facts yet. There’s still more that he needs to know. Which leads him to where he is now. Which leads him to this. 

Bomb. Boom. Buried. “Did you…? Did you die then, too?” Obviously his baby brother finds the table interesting this time of year. Obviously his baby brother is determined to circumvent and avoid any and all questions they have. “Mikey. Look. At. Us!”

Mikey does startle up from his hunch at that, his face rapidly moving between him, Leo, and Raph, eyes bright and worried and just a little bit scared. “...you did, didn’t you? You died then, too.”

The silence stretches a long time. “…maybe. I’m not sure.” He’s– he’s lying. He’s lying to me. To us.

And then… and then he goes and calls it a hunch. Like he wasn’t sure about it, when he ran at what was likely and ended up being an active bomb. It had scared Don then, and it terrified him now. Not just because his baby brother seemed to know that it was possible, but the fact that Mikey obviously didn’t think much of it. 

Of course, then Mikey goes. Mikey goes and adds on to what Donnie is already thinking. “I figured better me than you guys, right?”

Oh Mikey. Never say that. Raph and Leo thankfully seem to agree. “Better me than you guys?!” His oldest brother yells, shouts. It’s loud. It’s not loud enough.

“Well… yeah.” He agrees, and it stabs right through Donatello’s heart, “You guys could've died, and that would have been totally not cool. And like I said before, it’s not like I was trying to die. It was just an… unfortunate side effect.”

An unfortunate side effect. That’s really how he thought about it. He thought that dying was just something that happened to him, something that didn’t really matter. Like he didn’t matter. “Mikey, I can’t– no. Mikey. You do understand that thinking like that… you don’t think like that, do you?”

And his baby brother looks at him. Looks at him, and Leo, and Raph. Looks at them like they have all the answers, looks at them with such trust. His head tilts ever so slightly, and his brows furrow, and his face pulls into a frown.

“Think like what?”

And oh, he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand what they mean. That hurts the most, I think. “Like you’re the most expendable of us. Like your life is worth less than ours.” Leo made it real. Leo made it real.

And his baby brother’s face loses its confusion. He stares at them for too long, eyes flickering from their faces, to the table, to the room at large, like he’s thinking of the right words to say, the right thing to do. He must decide then, because he shrugs, and in a casual, dismissive tone replies: “Right, because it is.”

Donnie almost falls out of his chair with how fast he snaps back into it, and the sounds he makes are high and loud and whiny. Where did we go wrong where did I go wrong no no no no my baby brother no no no no…

And– he said it so casually. A fact of life. Something he had accepted a long time ago, and didn’t understand why they hadn’t accepted it too. How can somebody who’s the absolute best of us think he’s the absolute worst? Donatello feels sick. Donatello doesn't know what to do, what to say, what to think, because this is horrible and messed up and my baby brother thinks he’s expendable and–

–Donnie looks up with Mikey’s breath hitches. Just glances, just looks, but Mikey’s hand is finding a home on his chest, grasping at it like he can’t breath, and his eyes are blown wide, and his whole body is tense, his breaths picking up, and he’s not looking, not really, and Donatello makes the connection, makes the connection to Leo, makes the connection to years before, when bad things were still so new and his little brother absolutely hated it and was terrified of it and–

Mikey breathing picks up more. “Leo! Leo, Mikey is–” But Leo’s body is already shifting towards his baby brother so fast Donnie almost gets whiplash, because Leo had figured it out instantly, knows because he recognizes it in himself, and he leans in towards Mikey, gets as close as he can.

“Mikey. Mikey.” Mikey’s breath increases. Donnie rises from his seat. Raph isn’t far behind. “It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. Just keep breathing. You’re okay. We’re all okay, otouto.”

“No no no nononono…”

And he’s scooting out of his chair, scooting out of his chair so fast, and Leo barely has time to catch him before he drops to the ground. He’s still muttering, his baby brother, breaths high and fast and words that sound like no and hurt and can’t and stop and air and by the time Donnie and Raph make it to their other two brothers’ sides, Leo has restarted his comforting words, hands shaky.

“Everything’s going to be fine, Mikey. We’re all going to be okay. Just take some deep breaths, little brother, it’s all going to be okay…”

And Donnie can’t move. Can’t speak. And Raph has frozen up beside him, the same same same, and Mikey’s grabbing onto Leo, eyes wide and bright and unseeing (dead not dead dead not dead ) “We’ve got you. Hey Mikey!” Leo’s voice pitches up when Mikey lets out a loud, utterly sad whine, “Mikey! It’s okay little brother.”

The whole scene pauses. Mikey’s blinks a few times, and he’s still not breathing right, but at least he’s breathing more and, “…Leo?”

Oh thank the gods above.

Leo’s whole body physically relaxes when Mikey says his name, and he feels some of his own tension bleeding out. “It’s me, otouto.” Leo reassures, and then goes through the breathing exercises that they’ve all practiced for these exact scenarios.

It goes on like for a while, until Mikey’s grip on Leo loosens and his body slumps. “I’m…” His voice is croaky and broken and it breaks Donnie’s heart, “I’m okay now.”

“Yeah, ya sure look okay.” Raph voices their thoughts all out loud, and Mikey winces a little like he knows their big brother is right. Even so, Raph offers a hand to Mikey, pulling him up and practically guiding him back into his seat.

To top it all off, in what unfortunately is an expected reaction, Mikey’s response to what happened was “I upset you guys.” And that’s the extent of his problem.

“Ya just told us you think that yer life is worth less than ours.” Raph points out, and Donnie is honestly, truly, trying so hard not to cry. “Of fuckin’ course we’re upset, Mike.”

“But you shouldn’t be. It’s okay.”

Okay. They’ve really got to stop using that word. “It’s not okay, Mikey. How do you not understand that?” Leo tries, but as soon as he says the word understand, Donnie knows it was a bad idea.

Mikey’s whole body tenses, and Leo sits back, like he realized it was a mistake too and, “Well, I don’t understand a lot of things, so what’s one more, right?” Mikey snaps, like it’s an old argument being rehashed, even if they’ve never really had it.

There’s been the odd comment about it, and some talks a few years ago when ADHD was still new, and they needed to understand things. Things about focusing, and learning, and attention like they should’ve known so long before… but Donnie has for a long time sensed that Mikey feels frustrated still, feels angry for having a brain different from theirs.

So maybe Mikey’s comment is snappy and hurt, but it’s underlined by just a touch of defensiveness that tells him everything he needs to know.

“Ya ain’t dumb, Mike.” Raph points out, and it seems a little guilty. Donnie finds himself feeling the same way.

“...just because your brain works differently than ours doesn’t mean you’re stupid, Mikey.” He adds on, trying to reassure. Leo nods in agreement.

“Ok. Sure.” His little brother clips out.

Mikey doesn’t believe it. Donatello wants to go about convincing him, but it’s not going to get anywhere. All of them are at their rope’s end, ready to snap at any moment, and so many things have already been pushed that it’ll not end well.

“We’ll work on that. With you.” Leo tries anyhow, and then doesn’t say anything more.

But when Mikey goes to leave again, with a poor excuse about needing more eggs, and when Raph silences him, tells him there’s more and you were going to keep this from us, Donnie prepares for a fight.

Raph’s right, to be honest. But Mikey is a tidal wave of emotions right now, which is always a recipe for trouble.

“I didn’t want you guys to worry.” He admits, and the sad part is that he knows Michelangelo believes it. Knows that he really was just trying to keep his brothers from being upset. “It’s not like I was gonna stay dead any of those times…” Oh, Mikey.

“...but what if you hadn’t come back? What then?” And it’s out of worry that Leo says it, out of love and fear. But Mikey takes it in offense, going on about overreacting.

Which is when Don starts to think. Think about the word overreact. And he starts to think about dismissals, and casual words, and clear uncaring. He thinks about Facts 1-7. He thinks about needing to know more.

He thinks about how Michelangelo has no feelings at all towards death. He thinks about how his baby brother seems desensitized to the whole ordeal. He thinks about how to Mikey, this is just an overreaction to a small problem. This is Fact #8.

Hypothesis: Mikey is hiding something. Mikey is hiding something big, something horrible, and he’s been hiding it for a long time.

The Facts as presented: 

1) Michelangelo is, above all else, a people pleaser. 

2) Michelangelo likes to misdirect. 

3) Michelangelo faces life-threatening situations with minimal worry. 

4) Michelangelo gets shot in the head with a gun, and a moment before it happens he doesn’t look scared.

5) Michelangelo comes back from the dead, rises not even three hours later.

6) Michelangelo acts like nothing is wrong, like nothing life-shattering and world-ending has happened.

7) “I wish you hadn’t been there, that way when I woke up, you wouldn’t have had to worry!” Michelangelo tells them.

8) Michelangelo has no feelings at all towards death. As a matter of fact, he seems worryingly desensitized to the whole ordeal.

So with all of this, it comes time for Donatello to make his conclusion. Which states: Michelangelo is hiding something big. Hiding something in an attempt to not hurt his brothers. And that something big is that he’s died way more than two times.

“Mikey.” The world snaps back into place, and his little brother tenses at his tone. “How many times have you died?”

“I told you. Last night. And the bomb. That’s it.” Liar.

If this is the way his baby brother wants to do it, then that’s the way they’ll do it. So Donnie lays out the facts plain and simple. Lays them out for all to see, airs them out in the open. Mikey panics again. He tries to leave again.

Leo stops him in his tracks. Leo stops him in his tracks, and he wants to feel bad about his baby brother looking like a deer caught in the headlights, but his heart and head are racing too fast and– “…five.” It sounds so defeated. “Five times.”

Sometimes, Donatello really doesn't like being proven correct.

Chapter Text

Leonardo honestly felt that this day couldn’t get any worse. He’s had bad days before, of course. In the last few years especially, there have been more than a few bad days… not just for him, but his little brothers too.

Unfortunately, it just seems to come with the job of being a ninja in New York City. So yeah, Leonardo is not unfamiliar with bad days. He’s been knocked down, beaten, battered, both physically and mentally.

He’s had days where his heart spikes with fear as his little brothers get hurt, when he can’t protect them as much as he was supposed to.

When Raph gets stabbed, when Donnie gets a broken arm. When Mikey gets his head slammed into a wall. When Raph cries out in pain from a particularly bad hit. When Donnie almost gets thrown off a building. When Mikey gets hit with a dart filled with poison.

When Raph gets pushed through a hole in an abandoned building. When Donnie has a blade to his throat. When Mikey almost gets blown to pieces by a bomb.

When he and Mikey get separated from Raphael and Donatello in the middle of a fight, when they disappear and neither he nor Michelangelo can get through to them, when they’re gone for over an hour with no way to know if they’re okay…

When. When Mikey… when Mikey gets a bullet in his skull.

Leonardo has had bad days. Leonardo has had horrible days. Leonardo has had days when he didn’t know if his little brothers would make it.

Then he has a day that feels more like a nightmare than it does real life. Except the nightmare doesn’t end, and his baby brother doesn’t wake up. Except Raphael carries a dead body home, and he sobs with his little brothers, and his heart breaks and doesn’t seem to want to be put back together, and he doesn't think there’s any light left in the world.

That’s the worst day. But somehow by the gods above, Michelangelo comes back to life. He waltzed right back in, with a smile and a laugh and warmth, and even if it still was the worst day, at least it was one where somehow, someway, everyone made it back in one piece.

Even if there’s something… off with how his little brother is acting, even if his head seems to hurt something brutal (“That’s what happens when a bullet goes through yer fuckin’ skull, Mikey.” It’s rude of Raph to say. It’s also entirely true.), they all go to bed (Not Leo, because he doesn't think he’ll be able to sleep for a long time), and they all wake up, and Leo finds Mikey humming and cooking in the kitchen like any other morning, and it’s still the worst, because it still plays in his mind on repeat, but at least it’s the worst with his baby brother still standing next to him.

But it starts to get horrible again. It starts to get horrible, because his baby brother is unfazed by the whole event. As a matter of fact, he seems to think they’re overreacting by the whole situation.

I watched you die, Mikey, he tries to say, I watched you die and it was the worst experience in my entire life. Don’t tell me it’s a big deal. Don’t all but tell me you’re not important. You… you and Don and Raph are the most important people in the entire universe. Never forget that.

But he doesn’t. He can’t. The words die on his throat, catch in his mouth. He’s not overreacting. But Mikey sure is underreacting.

And the more he talks… the more it sounds like he’s not shocked, because he’d known that he could. Donnie comes to the same conclusion. Mikey tries to avoid the answer like it’s the plague.

It doesn’t work. It doesn't work, and Leo finds out that his baby brother has died more than once. And Leo was there to stop it. He didn’t try to catch him when going after that bomb, didn’t do more.

I was there. I could’ve helped. I still failed.

Which is when the morning gets somehow even worse. Better me than you guys. He tells them, like his life is worth less. Michelangelo agrees. Michelangelo agrees. Leo has never felt worse. Michelangelo agrees, and thinks he’s stupid, and he’s different, and he’s… wrong.

How can… how can somebody so amazing as Mikey think so little of himself?

And Leo thinks it can’t get worse from here. Wrong. Because Mikey then gets cornered in, because then Mikey tells them he’s actually died five times.

Five.

Five.

Five.

Five.

“Five.” Five five five I’ve failed I’ve not helped my baby brother when he needed it– “Five times.” The words come out choked. Leonardo finds himself on the verge of a breakdown.

“Yes. Like I’ve already said, like, five times.”

No. No. This isn't right. This can’t be right. This can’t be right, and his baby brother can’t have– he can’t and he can’t be like this, it’s not right, it’s not fair, it’s not funny, he can’t be joking this is not right–

“You… you think this whole thing is absolutely hilarious don’t you, Mikey?” Because he does. Leo can see it. No matter how many times they say understand and this isn’t funny Mikey is going to keep joking, and Mikey is going to keep going about like nothing is wrong.

“You don’t?”

No. Never. Not in a million years.

And maybe saying understand is a bad way to go about it. His little brother isn’t big on the word understand because his little brother takes it as a slight against his intelligence.

Which hurts. It hurts more than Leonardo cares to admit. It’s just one more thing he’s failed at, one more thing he hasn’t done right. Mikey thinks he’s different, and Mikey thinks he’s not as smart as them, and Mikey thinks he’s less.

Leonardo is sure of that now.

It hurts. It really does hurt. Here’s Mikey, his baby brother, who thinks that dying and coming back to life is nothing to worry about. Because in his book, it’s not. If he’s not lying, which Leo is sure he isn’t, Mikey really has died five times.

–five five five five five–

Mikey thinks it’s funny, because Mikey doesn’t care. Mikey thinks it’s funny, because Mikey has died enough that it is. Still. “Not– not particularly, no.” It’s not funny don’t say that it’s not funny please Mikey please…

His little brother straightens in his seat, and Leo sees his defenses start to go up. Not good. “What part do you not find funny?” All of it. “The dying part?” Yes. “The resurrecting like some B-Grade horror flick part?” Absolutely. “I’m not going to worry about something that’s not gonna happen. You guys need to take a chill pill. Seriously.”

They. They’re the ones that need to step back. Oh Mikey. I’m so sorry. Mikey doesn’t like that he disagrees. Mikey doesn’t like this situation.

And when Mikey is hurt, when Mikey is scared, when his baby brother feels exposed, he lashes out. Not like Raph, with anger and breaking and yelling. Not like Donnie, with judging and silence and shutting down. Not like himself, with ice cold walls and solitude and pushing too far. Mikey’s brand of lashing out is different, and scary, and terrifying.

Because he’s only seen his baby brother do it a few times. Because it digs in deep, reaches inside of you, tears you up. Mikey can read people in a way that no one else can, knows what you’re thinking more than you do sometimes. So when he turns that back on you, it’s devastating and hurtful and… true.

Mikey doesn’t get mad. Leo likes to keep it that way. But they’ve pushed. They’ve prodded. They’ve hit a nerve. So Leo shouldn’t be surprised when he lashes out, should be prepared for it. But. But It still hurts all the same. 

So when Mikey leans into him with that horrible look on his face that’s not meant to be there, and whispers those words out like they can cut right through him… “Or is it that you just don’t like that I can do something that you can’t? Want me to do it again?”

Oh. 

Oh.

That really does hurt. That really does strike a nerve. That… really rings true. Not– not this. But there’s something in those words that’s never been discussed. But has always been there.

He knows it. Michelangelo knows it. It was bound to happen eventually. Just… just not like this. “Jesus, Mike. What the fuck.” Oh. Right. Raph and Don are still here too.

“I’m–” And Mikey physically snaps back in his seat, his face one of horror, oh Mikey no, it’s okay, I know you didn’t mean it, “Oh my fucking gods I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I don’t know why I said that. I don’t– I’m. I’m sorry, Leo.”

I know, little brother. I know.

Silence fills the air. He doesn’t know what to say. Mikey doesn’t know what to say. None of them know what to say. That seems to be happening a lot more these days. “I’m sorry.” Mikey whispers out again.

“It’s– it’s okay, Mikey. I know.” He knows. He knows. It still hurts. It’s still right. Mikey could’ve been so much more– no. Not the time for that.

That’s later. This is now.

No more fighting. No more yelling. That’s what is established instead. That’s what needs to happen. He can’t have them breaking apart. Not now. Not ever. “Okay. Right. Let’s back this up.” Donnie tries, always looking for a way to make peace, “You… you said you’ve died five times, right?”

“Correctamundo.”

Something like liar whispers in the back of Leo’s mind. Something like more and something like you’re not telling us it all sits there on the tip of his tongue. Leo holds it in. One thing at a time. “…were we– were we with you then, too?”

Please say no. Please say no. “Uh-huh.” Failed. I failed. Oh Michelangelo, I’m so sorry.

And then Mikey starts talking about his deaths like it’s a guessing game. Like it’s fun. Or a way to avoid the truth. They know. I know. He’s deflecting. He’s deflecting. Leo’s not sure he can make Mikey stop. So sure, Leo can guess what age he was when he died. And sure, Mikey can say no. And sure, Leo can feel guilty when Mikey says: “Wow. I’ve had a lot of near death experiences.” And sure, Leo can think of all the ways he almost failed, was close to failing again. But he doesn’t think that any of that would help.

And then to top it all off Raph has to go about pushing his and Mikey’s buttons. “Yeah well, between you and Leo…”

“…And what do you mean by that, Raphael?” He counters in his best You Better Be Careful Big Brother Voice™ with a predictably petulant agreement from Mikey. He’s got an inkling to what Raph is thinking, but he’d also rather not have this out right now.

Also Donnie should probably not agree with Raph. Entirely rude. “…I don’t know what the hell the two of ya are tryin’ ta do, but between both of ya runnin’ into danger like ya ain’t got no sense of self preservation…”

Hey! That’s not true. Raph and Don really need to shut up. Now’s not the time. Besides, it’s not even right. And Raph is ridiculous. Give him a heart attack. Says the guy who runs off every night with Casey. I’ll show you a heart attack, Raphael.

So Leo looks to his partner in crime. Well he hopes so. Mikey tilts his head ever so slightly, quirks one eyebrow in amusement. They can’t be serious. This feels like a coordinated attack, dude. And Leo side eyes their other two brothers, looking back at Mikey. I think they are. Good thing they’re wrong… right? And Mikey blinks back at him, and his fingers tap on the table in no discernible rhythm, like he does when he’s anxious. Yeah, his baby brother agrees, they’re totally wrong. But for safe measure, let’s just uh… not talk about it. Sounds like a good deal to him.

So they’ll just ignore that. Go back to the matter at hand. The really important matter at hand. “Back to the whole dying five times… thing,” how is this even a thing in the first place, “you’ve got to give us something here, Mikey. We need to know.”

Please tell us. Please.

Let me know. Let me know. Let me know where I failed. Let me know how I can be better. Please, Michelangelo.

Which is when Mikey tells them something he tries not to remember. A bed. A room. Quiet. Coughing. Still. His baby brother sick sick sick but he’ll be fine he has to be fine because Leonardo wouldn’t have it any other way…

Failed.

And Donnie. Oh Donnie. “Yeah, uh… sorry about that.” Sorry that you died, that you don’t seem to care, that we were lying right next to you as the air left your lungs? “That… was the first time I died. I think. At least the first time I remember.”

The first time I remember. Leo wonders what that implies. “Really?”

“One minute and seventeen-seconds, really.”

He knows how long he was dead? “You know how long you were dead?” No no no no please say no this is horrible how can we fix this how can I make this better no no no–

“Yeah, I always know.” No. No. No. “And before you ask why , I have no idea. I just do.” Well, at least that’s something they’re all in the dark about. It still hurts all the same. It still makes Leo want to scream and shout and cry.

Sick. One minute and seventeen seconds. Gun. Two hours, forty-seven minutes, and eight seconds. Bomb. Seven minutes and eighteen seconds.

One. Two. Three. “Sunrise Crew. Can’t believe you guys got a cool name.” Sidetracked. They’re getting sidetracked again. Donnie should know not to. Donnie is a little stressed right now. Leo is a little stressed right now.

“Guys! Another time, alright?”

“The second time you died was in that stupid-ass old drainage pool?”

Um. “You drowned?! When was this?” Leonardo would definitely remember this. He would absolutely remember this.

Raph leans back in his seat. Mikey lets out a nervous laugh. “Funny story, actually.” It’s not funny. It’s not funny. “We were thirteen and uh… you guys weren’t there? Also fun fact… that was my third time dying, actually.”

Oh. Raph and Mikey. And… and Mikey died? Raph was– Raph was all by himself. Failed. Again. Failed because he wasn’t there. He wasn’t there and… wait a minute. “Why were the two of you messing around in some old drainage pool? Where did you find an old drainage pool?”

Leo specifically remembers there being no drainage pools within their bounds. All of that was way past The Point. So… no. It was Raph and Mikey. It was Raph and Mikey. And it was after The Incident. That checks out. That makes sense.

He wants to be mad at Raph for that. But he can’t be. Because there are so many times he’s failed too, failed more than anyone else. He can’t be mad at Raph, when he’s angry at himself for the same thing.

So Raph made a bet, and Mikey swam to the bottom of a pool, and Mikey got stuck, and Mikey drowned.

So his little brother blames himself, and his little brother is beating himself up about it, and Leo needs to stop this now, because he can’t have that, can’t have that when he doesn’t even have to be there to know it was an accident– “It wasn’t your fault Raph. I wasn’t there, but a bet is a bet, and it sounds like the whole thing was an accident, anyhow. Right, Mikey?”

“Right.” His baby brother agrees, satisfied. Leo lets out a puff of air. Not you too, Raph. Don’t blame yourself for this too. “And. Look.” His baby brother suddenly adds on, when the table goes silent again, “The second time I died was when we were playing ninja tag and I slipped and hit my head on the table.”

Slipped and hit my head. He– blood down his face. Unseeing, open eyes. Little medical books. Bloodstained masks.

Leonardo has always hated that day. He hates it even more now.

So. That’s Mikey’s five deaths. 

Coughing and glazed eyes and short breaths. Pneumonia. Dead. Tables and corners and abrupt silence. Bashed head. Dead. Water and deep and stuck. Drowning. Dead. Warehouse and running and explosion. Bomb. Dead. Alley and laughing and Dragons. Gun. Dead.

–dead dead dead dead dead–

Five times Leonardo failed. Five times his baby brother died and he couldn’t stop it. “So… that’s it, then? Your. Your five deaths?” Donnie’s voice cracks. Leo doesn’t speak. He knows his voice will break just the same.

“Yeah. That’s it.”

Five. Five times Michelangelo has died. Five times I’ve failed.

That’s it. That’s it. That’s not it. There’s more. There’s more. There’s always more. And he knows. He knows there’s something else, because he knows his baby brother.

He knows.

And as he walks out of the kitchen, as he practically runs to the dojo, the only thought that goes through his mind is: what else have I failed to see?

The silence is the only thing to answer him. Yeah, he agrees, too much.

Chapter Text

Donatello elects himself to clean the dishes. Leo had walked out in a rush after their… horrible, horrifying, absolutely shocking conversation, and Raph had followed seconds after, anger radiating off of him in waves.

That left Donnie and his little brother. And Mikey didn’t look to be in any condition to be doing anything requiring effort.

He sat there, quiet, face pulled into a frown that seemed so unlike him, eyes not really seeing anything. The only sound he made was the tap tap tap of his fingers on the table, a familiar pattern his baby brother does when he’s nervous or upset.

It’s just– Donnie can’t really understand what’s happening. His whole world has been turned upside down, his eyes opened to something that shouldn’t be scientifically possible. It shouldn’t be allowed to happen. But here Mikey sits with the tap tap tap of his fingers, and the slight bouncing of his leg, and a face pulled into a frown, and alive.

He needs answers, needs solutions. This is no way for his baby brother to live. This is no way for anyone to live. Nobody should be able to recall every time they died, in perfect detail and time dead included. Nobody should know that.

So why does Mikey? Why is he like this?

Asking outright would be his first choice. And, honestly he did ask. But Mikey just doesn’t know. He seems to have as much of an idea as them. He doesn’t know. But Donnie needs to know.

If it’s a mutation, a fluke in his DNA, magic, some cosmic intervention… whatever it is, Donatello needs to know about it. Even if Mikey seems to not care about what is going on, even if Mikey has just accepted this as it just is– there’s got to be an explanation. Everything has an explanation.

Why does the Earth have seasons? Earth has a tilted axis. The axis, constantly rotating, causes the seasons. The area of the Earth with the most amount of direct sunlight is summer, the least amount is winter.

Why are triangles the strongest shape? Triangles have fixed angles and are hard to bend. They distribute weight equally, and are rigid in their structure.

Why does Raph run straight into fights with no thought whatsoever? He’s a gigantic idiot.

Why does Leo blame himself for everything even when it’s clearly not his fault? He’s also a gigantic idiot.

These are questions he can answer. Questions proven with science, questions proven through studies and facts. Questions that are observed, questions that have proof. And now he has questions that he doesn’t know how to answer. Questions he thought he’d never have. Questions that are burning him up, breaking him down.

Why can Mikey come back from the dead? I have no idea. Why did Mikey not tell him and their big brothers? Because he’s got zero sense of self worth, apparently.

Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap.

Now he has questions he doesn’t know the answers to, and now he has to observe, identify, help, and now he has to figure out how to make his baby brother feel better, has to figure out what is causing him to keep living. “…Mikey?” He calls softly, not surprised when his baby brother doesn’t answer. Mikey is in head, buried deep. Donnie knows that feeling. “Mike.” He tries again, and still no response.

He clashes some plates a little harder together than necessary. Mikey blinks about a million times in a second, sitting up a little straighter. His fingers still tap tap tap.

Donnie turns back towards the sink, gives his brother a minute. He’s almost done, and afterwards he can take Mikey to get answers. They both deserve answers. They both deserve to know more.

"So… what now?" There you are Mikey.

"Now," Donnie twists his head back, trying to give a reassuring smile, "We go to my lab, I take a few blood samples, and we figure out how your body has been able to tap 'revive' so many times."

Mikey’s frown deepens a little, his finger taps slowly. Why is he doing this? Because he expected my answer. It’s not the answer he wants, but he’s willing to follow along because he thinks it’s what’s best for me. “Yeah… okay, Dee.”

He stands up, Donatello can hear him, and he finishes drying his hands while facing that frowning face, throwing the dish towel onto the counter and approaching his brother as calmly as he can.

And Mikey does. He plays along like it’ll make everything better, like it’ll lessen the seriousness of the situation. He complains about getting blood draws, because he knows Donnie like Donnie knows him, and he makes jokes and quips all the way to his lab, because that’s just how he is. “…you read my mind?”

No, he doesn’t. “I don’t have to. I have to tell you that I can fluently speak Michelangelo.” Mikey shrugs, his lips quirking into a half-smile. Pretty sure I can speak fluent Donatello too, it tells him.

He closes the lab door behind them, watches Mikey hop onto the cold metal bed that he was on just a few hours ago. His baby brother flinches slightly from the corner of his eyes, fingers back to tap tap tapping on his leg.

Grabbing three syringes and some biohazard bags to follow (he’s not gonna apologize for stealing this stuff, no matter how illegal it is), he rolls over to be by Mikey’s side.

His baby brother’s eyes immediately zero in the syringes, unconsciously scooting farther back onto the table. Similarly, the tap tap taps grow in frequency. So, Donnie makes a deal. One syringe, break, one question. Repeat. “What kinda questions?”

Ones you won’t like. I’m sorry, Mikey. But we need to know.

“Whatever questions I decide to ask.” He decides on instead, watching the way bright blue eyes narrow in on him.

Donnie lays out the supplies before him, perfectly aligned on the table. Laid out correctly. “Is there an option where I don’t have to answer any questions or get stabbed with sharp pointy objects three different times?”

Hell no. “No.” He shoots a grin at Mikey, more in warning than anything else. His baby brother acquiesces, albeit reluctantly.

So he swabs Mikey’s arm with an alcohol wipe, watches as he closes his eyes in anticipation, and… draws his first syringe with blood. It’s over in seconds, and Mikey’s eyes blink back open, relieved, but Donnie hasn’t forgotten the deal. He’s pretty sure that Mikey wishes he had.

“Done. Now question one: Why didn’t you tell us about… this?” Please tell me. Tell me I haven’t pushed you away, haven’t driven you into being alone.

“Is there a different question you could ask?”

“Mikey.”

Mikey collapses in on himself, and Donnie feels bad, but he also doesn’t, because I need to know, and you need to know. “Yeah, I know. Worth a shot though, right?” Not a good joke. He can do better than that. 

His baby brother’s tap tap tapping stops, but it’s only so his hands can clench and unclench in almost the same rhythm. “It’s just… I didn’t really know. At first. And after I uh, drowned, and really figured out what this whole thing was, it was kinda late, ya know? I didn't want– I couldn’t worry you guys or dad with that. Plus, there isn’t anything to really… do about it, and it’s not like I wa– am trying to die, it’s just that I have a habit for it, and… I’m. Yeah. I’m gonna stop talking now.”

Not like I was trying to die. Nope. Rewind. Not like I am trying to die. That’s something he’s got to look out for. That sentence hurts. And the fact that Mikey didn’t tell them out of fear of hurting them? Even worse. Especially because Mikey tells them everything.

He tells me everything. He told me everything. Why not this too?

Mikey is waiting for an answer. Mikey is waiting for a long-winded answer with points and facts and emotion and Donnie just cannot do that right now. He’s too fragile. Mikey is too fragile. To break down, fall apart completely… he can’t afford that. Not right now. Not if he wants answers. “Ok.” That’s what he tells his little brother, turning away so Mikey can’t see the frown on his face.

He turns back to face Mikey, who’s looking at him in shock. Surprise. “…ok? That’s it?” It, for a small second, almost seems like Mikey wants more.

But that’s it. No more. Not right now. “You’re not gonna… I dunno. I just– ok? You really don’t have anything else?”

Yes. A million things. A million and one. But that’s too much. “I have a lot of things I want to say, Mikey.” He tells his brother this honestly, relaying the truth. Too much lying lately. “But these things involve a whole helluva lot of questions. I have three needles.” I wish I had more. “That answer alone gave me twenty more questions. We’ll talk about it all later, alright? It’s been a hard few hours. For all of us.”

Mikey is still eyeing him as he sets to work on the second blood draw, and even with his agreement to not discuss the topic more, it’s obvious he’s suspicious about Donnie’s lack of answer.

He doesn’t like it. And his baby brother really won’t like what he asks next. Evidence. Facts. File it away. Figure it out. “Question two: Why do you feel that you are worth less than us? I would like you to keep in mind that this has never been true nor never will be.”

I can’t believe I have to assure him of this. Where did I go wrong?

So yes, his avoidance of the subject is not surprising. The immediate response to make light of something so horrible… it’s achingly familiar. But no matter what Mikey says, it’s not mean. It’s not a mean question. Pointed? Sure. Blunt? Yes. But not mean. It hurts to even ask the question, hurts that he needs to ask the question, to affirm to his little brother that he has worth, but here they are, and here Mikey is saying… “I just am, Dee.”

That’s not enough. That’s not an answer. “That’s not an answer.” His little brother knows that. But short answers mean no explanations, means moving on. It’s a trait Mikey likes to bring out when he’s trying to avoid a subject. Not right now. He doesn’t get to avoid this.

Never again.

“Look. It’s just that– look.” Mikey looks everywhere but Donnie, leg bouncing rapidly. “I’m… not smart. Like you. Or– or strong like Raph. Brave like Leo. I can’t invent things. I can’t stare down someone and not be scared and I sure as shell can’t lead. Those are all the things a team really needs, right? And I know that. I know that, and it’s okay really.”

Donatello’s world crashes down around him. I’m not smart. I’m not strong. I’m not brave. “I’m just… not as special as you guys.” I’m not special.

I’m not. Mikey says. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not. He keeps saying that. He keeps saying I’m not, and never I am. Which is absolutely not right. Because Mikey is smart, and brave, and strong, and kind, and light, and everything good in the world.

Oh gods above. His baby brother… that’s not right. And– and it begs another question. How long has he been thinking like this? Recently? Forever? How long have I missed this? Just more things he can’t answer. Just more questions– “You… okay?” What? Oh. He’s crying, isn’t he? And his hands are shaking, and he feels like falling apart, and not right now.

“No.” His voice chokes, words sitting heavy on his tongue. But he can’t right now. Mikey can’t right now. He has to remember that, because if he doesn’t it’ll go to hell, this fragile peace they have going, however cracked it is. Not right now. They can’t. They can’t.

Mikey’s voice comes out small, hurt. “Not right now. Got it.”

And he knows what Mikey is thinking, like he knows Mikey, and all he can hear his brother say is I hurt him, which may be true, but nothing about this cannot not hurt. “Ready for your last one?” No he isn’t. But his brother lets him anyway, just so he can try to leave as fast as possible.

Avoidance. Anything to get away from the conversation. But it’s not that easy, and Donnie still needs more. “The constant ‘revive’ thing you’ve got going on.” I hate the constant revive thing. I hate that you have to keep dying. I hate that you discovered this. I hate that you accepted this. “Is that always there, or just when you die? We all heal faster due to our mutation, but this is a little… extreme. To say the least.” Understatement.

“Again, don’t really know, Dee.” Again. Again. Mikey doesn’t know, so Donnie doesn’t know, which means more questions which don’t have answers. More things that he has to figure out. “…concrete crushing my ribs kinda cracked them. Again. Like, immediately. Usually the worst I get is like, a headache.”

“Huh.” Healing. Right. He heals, and he’s fine. At least that’s what Don’s gleaming from this. At least that’s what it sounds like. He supposes he does have evidence for that. But the headache…

That’s an interesting piece of information. That’s something he can latch on to. That’s something he can find an answer to.

No matter how long it takes. I’ll help you, Mikey. I mean it.

So he’s got his blood samples, and he’s got questions, and he’s got to study it all. Right now. As soon as physically possible. Donnie dismisses Mikey, because he needs to be gone, because Mikey needs concrete proof, just like Donnie, and they can’t get that unless Donnie starts to work.

His… his best friend in the entire world is hurting. And now he has to figure out a way to stop it. He just wishes Mikey had told him sooner. He thought he knew everything. He just wishes Mikey felt like he could talk to him. Mikey’s almost to the door, but Donnie can’t help himself, has to assure that his little brother knows. “Hey Mikey? You… know that you’re my best friend, right?”

Mikey steps stop. He looks back at Donnie like he just said something so odd. So stupid. “Uh… yeah, dude. Of course. Mine too.” Conviction.

“Good. Good.” Excellent. Great. But also, “...you know you can tell me anything, right?”

“Yeah…?”

“Just… come tell me. Next time. Please.” Because Donnie can’t figure out why he didn’t this time. Something so momentous that– “Never ever again do I want to feel like that.” Never. Never again. “So you– yeah. You come and tell me about it all from now on, okay?”

That has to be understood. That has to be written in stone. “Promise?”

Mikey nods his head, and something so sad and hurt crosses his face. Like he’s not sure where to go from here, like he's unsure of his words. “Promise.” But Donatello will have to take it at face value for now, and hope that it sticks.

He only allows himself to cry after Mikey has left the lab. But he doesn’t let it prevent him from doing research. Even if the screen is blurry, even if his hands are shaking again, he can’t let that stop him.

Questions. Answers. Knowing. Helping.

He sits at that desk for a long time. And then even longer after that. He’d do anything for his baby brother, after all.

Chapter Text

Leonardo can’t get out of the kitchen fast enough. He can’t get away from that any faster. It’s so much in so little time, so much information, so much pain. His baby brother is in pain, is hurting, has been hurting, which means he’s hurting, he’s breaking down, and Mikey can’t see that right now. Donnie and Raph can’t see that right now. They don’t need that.

So Leo runs, and he doesn’t look back. Faintly behind him he can hear stomps, but talking to Raph right now seems like a herculean effort, and Donnie has got Mikey, and the need to be alone in this moment has never been stronger.

He doesn’t take an actual breath until he’s safely in the dojo, and by the time he takes it, it feels like years have passed since he’s actually breathed. Maybe even more than that. Maybe it’s been forever.

Mikey is– Mikey has been– oh gods.

His baby brother has been hurting for so long, for what seems like forever and Leo was there, Leo was there and he didn’t stop it. He could’ve. But instead his baby brother died five times, and instead Leo stood by and let it happen. He should’ve known. He should’ve been better for his baby brother. How was it even possible to miss this? It should’ve been obvious.

Six. That’s when he said he’d died first. And it should’ve been so obvious. Mikey laying in his bed, so small, so frail. And it’d been so quick, so fast, it had gone downhill in the matter of days and Mikey went from a little cough to not being able to move before Leonardo could even so much as blink.

His baby brother with his glassy eyes and pained smile and shuddering breaths. “Are they gonna take me away, aniki? Am I gonna die?” He had asked. That’s what he had asked Leo.

And Leonardo, so young, so scared, so terrified, so willing to believe that everything would be okay,  had said: “No way, otouto. Nobody’s taking my little brother away from me. Not now, not ever.”

That was a lie, obviously. He died that night. That was his first time failing. And then he failed after that. 

Again.

He failed when they were ten, and playing ninja tag in the lair because Mikey convinced him to do so, and he had been laughing, and teasing, and whatever annoyance and concern that Leo held was washed away, and he was having fun, and then Mikey slipped, and Mikey’s head cracked across their table, and Mikey lay still, with dead eyes.

They said it was a concussion. That’s what they said. But he should’ve recognized then, too. He should’ve recognized when Donnie pulled out that textbook and said “I think that Mikey has a con…cuss…ion.” And he should’ve known when Raph frowned at that, when he frowned and looked at their baby brother and said “With his eyes open?”

He should’ve suspected something more when his little brother had woken up and had not been concerned like he should’ve been. Leo should’ve known then.

Again.

That was his second mistake. His third he wasn’t even there for, but he should’ve been. He shouldn’t have let Mikey and Raph walk off alone after what happened, when it was an honest mistake, when he shouldn’t have let them leave–

And he should’ve figured it out when both of his younger brothers came home absolutely soaked with some story about falling into the water, even when neither of them would meet his eyes, when he asked “Is everything okay?” and Mikey had an easy smile on his face and replied “Why wouldn’t it be?” and when Raph stormed off after that– he should’ve asked more, even when he didn’t.

Again.

That was time number three. Then there was time number four. Time number four when his baby brother got blown to pieces. Got blown to pieces.

Leo should’ve stopped Michelangelo when Donnie started describing what to look for, what bombs might be in their vicinity, and Mikey's face had sparked in surprise and he had said: “I saw one of those. It was in an office down at the end of the hall. I’ll go get it!”

He should’ve ran after his brother instead of waiting for Donnie to, he shouldn’t have said: “Go make sure Mikey doesn’t blow himself up.” When he could’ve gone himself, could’ve stopped him in the first place.

And Leo should’ve looked into more when Mikey started joking as soon as they dug him out, should’ve thought more on how he only made it out with a few broken ribs when he had been so close to the bomb, should’ve questioned his baby brother’s nonchalant attitude more. That was time number four. The fourth time he failed.

Again.

Then, of course, time number five. Just the other day, just the other night. He shouldn’t have been paying more attention to messing with the few Dragons he and Raph were fighting with than his little brothers farther down the alley, shouldn’t have been joking around about training and movie nights and little brother habits when they were still fighting.

Instead he should’ve been there to stop Mikey from getting a concussion, been there to stop Donnie from saying “Be thankful I didn’t break your neck.” But he wasn’t, and then Mikey was given the once-over and he wasn’t great but he wasn’t bad and so they went to leave and Leo didn’t check to make sure all their enemies were actually down, but he should’ve that way he wouldn’t have had to hear that horrible, vile human say: “You’re gonna die, freak!” As his gun steadied, aimed, and fired at his baby brother, as he dropped to the ground dead. DEAD.

That was his fifth failure. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

Again. And Again. And Again. And Again. And Again.

Again. Again. Again. Again. Again.

Again.

Mikey died five times. Leo failed five times. And now Mikey doesn’t understand, isn’t understanding, can’t see why they’re so hurt, which means… which means now he’s failed a sixth time. A sixth. Because Leo saying: “Like you’re the most expendable of us. Like your life is worth less than ours.” Really shouldn't have been answered with: “Right, because it is.”

So six times. Six times, and he’s pretty sure Mikey is still lying, it’s in his tone, in his body language, so maybe it’s more. Maybe it’s more than that. Leo feels sick at just the thought.

Oh gods. I sure hope it isn’t.

He should talk to Mikey. He shouldn’t have run away. He should go talk to him. He should assure him. That Mikey is on the same level as them, always has been, and that Mikey is a great fighter, and Mikey is worth so much more than he thinks he is.

Mikey needs to know. He deserves it. He deserves so much.

That’s what he needs to do. He needs to go do that. He’s failed for too long, failed too much, and he’s got to start correcting that somewhere, and this is it. 

But it seems that his little brother is going to get to him first. Leo is already halfway to opening the door to the dojo, dead set on finding Mikey, when the door slides open of its own volition, his younger brother standing there with… “Is that my tea?”

Mikey made him tea. Mikey made him his favorite tea. And then he hands it out like it’s an apology, like he needs to be sorry. So sorry about everything. Leo hates that he understands what that look means.

“Don finally release you back into the wild?” He tries to break the tense silence between them, because he’s hurting and Mike’s hurting, and Mikey is making jokes so maybe if Leo makes a bad one of his own, it’ll counteract Mikey’s and then they can both stop joking…

“Ha. Ha. Very funny. You’re a real natural.”

“A compliment, coming from you.” He affirms, tone kind. 

Mikey doesn’t like that for some reason. His baby brother plops onto the ground, and he’s got his I’m overthinking this too much face he gets sometimes, a worryingly number of times, how did I not notice that–?

Still, he gives his baby brother a few moments to collect himself, coming to rest in front of that horrible frown that isn’t supposed to belong to such a bright person. But he can’t wait long. Thinking too long can’t be good. 

Not now that he knows. Not now that he’s heard.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about there, little brother?” Mikey rocks in his spot, eyes flicking up to Leo. He’s looking at Leo like he can see right through him, right into his soul. Mikey probably can. But his little brother is also looking at him like Leo can look right through him. Leo absolutely can. Or I thought so. Who knows anymore? Still no answer. He’s only half there, his brother. Paying attention. Distant. Somewhere in between. “…Mikey?”

“Yeah, sorry. I just–” He cuts himself, obviously debating on what to say next. “I just wanted to– I wanted to say that…”

Don’t apologize, Mikey. I don’t need to keep doing that. We don’t need you to keep doing that.

But it seems that no matter how many times Leo tells him that, his baby brother doesn’t seem to get the message. And now they’re back where they started, with Mikey making reasons to beat himself up, and Leo telling him he doesn’t have to.

Besides, Mikey was right. No matter how he wants to look at it, there has always been that underlying thing of Mikey could be better. But he doesn’t try. Not like he should. Is that because of me? It’s always been at the back of his mind, this little nagging voice. And it’s not that hard to figure out that yeah, his baby brother probably is better than him. Leo has vivid memories of being younger, of just starting training, of starting to learn their weapons, of Mikey mastering all his moves so much quicker than everyone else, quicker than Leo and Leo being jealous and Mikey giving him odd looks and Mikey suddenly forgetting things, letting Leo surpass him…

But Leo never let himself too much on it, because he had always worked so hard, and always been so proud, and it made him feel good to be the best, but they both know that Mikey can be more, is more, and maybe it’s time to start recognizing that. Maybe it’s time to face the truth. “Mikey, do you remember when we were six and we started to train, like really train?”

Mikey frowns, although his eyes never leave his face. “Of course, Lee.”

“Before that had been mostly meditating, calming yourself. We used to play hide-and-seek in the dark, practice walking on little makeshift balance beams. Then we turned six and dad started basic training. Easy katas. Said in a few years, if we did well, we’d get to work with weapons.”

His brother is intently listening, Leo can tell. Sometimes it’s hard to catch Mikey’s attention for so long, but right now his baby brother is tuned in, like Leo is telling him the secrets to the universe. He can tell by the hesitant questioning of where this story is going, because Mikey knows, but for some reason Leo feels he doesn’t actually want to hear it.

So Leo continues. He reminds Mikey of the way he used to learn everything so quickly, how he was so graceful – a flowing, natural rhythm that only masters seemed able to accomplish. He tells Mikey how no matter how much Leo wanted to be like that, he struggled more than anyone else.

Could he remember? Sure. But the work that Mikey had to barely put any effort into Leo had to double to get the same results. Better. Better. Better. Why does Mikey get to be better?  

He used to think that so much. It used to keep him at night. It doesn’t anymore. It never should’ve in the first place.

“Mikey, you’re a natural athlete, a born ninja, and a great warrior.” That’s what he tells his little brother now. The truth. Something he should’ve been saying in the first place. Something should’ve already known in the first place. “But you never show it, not anymore. And I think that’s because of me. So… I think I’m the one that needs to apologize. Because you should never feel like you have to hide who you are… for any of us.”

But again, he’s met with denial. “Um. What? I don’t– I’m not better than you, Leo. You’re like… 100% the best of us.” No I’m not. Stop putting yourself down.

“I’m not. It only seems that way because you only put in half of your effort, and I put in everything.” And Mikey only putting in half of his effort still makes him an excellent ninja. Not that Mikey believes that. He’s averted his eyes halfway through Leo’s speech, almost like he’s… guilty for making Leo believe that he’s better than him. Oh Mikey.  

No. He’s not having this. He can’t have this. “You don’t believe me.” He states it like a fact. Mikey flinches, eyes coming to rest on Leo again. He stretches his hand out to his baby brother, a half-formed idea already in his mind. “C’mon otouto, let’s spar.”

His little brother is reluctant to do that, too. Not ready. But Leo throws him his weapons anyhow, and Mikey still catches them, and Mikey still meets Leo in the middle of the dojo, and he still lets Leo start their spar.

Too bad his little brother’s idea of a spar today seems to be dodging and blocking. So Leo pushes harder.

Mikey is only half into it, mind somewhere else. He continues to dodge, half-heartedly knocking Leo’s katanas away as they move around the dojo. Leo’s about to push more, force his baby brother to fight when he’s beat to the punch.

Mikey’s eyes suddenly zero in on his face, then harden. Which is when Mikey attacks.  

He’s barely able to dodge when Mikey’s leg suddenly sweeps out, but it makes him smile all the same. Maybe he can still help. Still prove that Mikey is so much more than he sees. “So you can fight. I thought you were just going to dodge all day, otouto.”

“Nah,” His brother disagrees, “I was just getting you worked up.” Even with the obvious lie leaving his lips, Mikey is focusing, his moves becoming more precise. Faster. Unpredictable. Mikey is a deadly opponent, one often underestimated. His little brother is all flashy – jokes, random moves, big smiles. Which is okay. Because his full-on focus, full-on fighting is something terrifying.

And to top that all off, Mikey is still holding himself back. But here he is, matching Leo blow-for-blow. Leo’s proud. Mikey has always made him so proud. All his little brothers have. Leo is surrounded by some of the most amazing people in the world.

When they finally do stop, so long later, he can’t help but smile. “Better, Mikey. I still think you’re holding out, but better. Don’t hold back in training anymore. For me, okay? Promise.”

And oh, there goes Mikey’s face again. Like there’s something so wrong with showing his family just what an amazing fighting he is. “Promise.”

“Good. And we’re not done talking about… this, Mike. There will be many more discussions because… because you’re just as good as us Mikey. Just as good, just as great. Even better. I swear to you.” Understand that little brother. Understand that I’ve never said anything truer in my entire life.

“Sure Lee. Whatever you say.”

“I’ll get you to believe it, Mikey. I will.” He means it. Even if Mikey doesn’t believe it yet, Leo won’t stop until he does. Mikey deserves that much. Mikey deserves it all.

His baby brother can’t leave faster after that, though. And it strikes Leonardo right there that Mikey is determined to see any good part of himself. He’s been so alone for so long that anything positive now almost seems… taboo to him.

Mikey thinks himself less. Mikey has thought of himself as less for a very long time. And Leo vows right then and there that’ll change. He won’t fail his baby brother again. He won’t.

He swears on his life. Michelangelo will never be alone again.

Chapter Text

Raphael is angry. Pissed. Absolutely livid. After everything they’ve done… after everything they’ve been through, don’t they deserve a break? Don’t they deserve a moment of peace, a moment of happiness, a moment where everyone is okay?

No. Of course not. Because they have fuckin’ turtle luck, and turtle luck doesn’t give two fucks about their feelings. Why would it? He means, they’ve only sacrificed their whole life, their safety, their innocence to save the world, but hey, what does that matter? Nothing. Nothing. Because if any of that mattered, if turtle luck had actually been on their side for once, none of this would've happened.

Mikey wouldn’t be resurrecting like a goddamn horror flick, wouldn’t be stuck as some kind of… immortal, and wasn’t that a horrible fucking thought to have, that his baby brother can’t die, can’t get peace ever because… because…

Raph will die. No doubt about it. He’s far too reckless, and one day he’ll be just a touch too reckless, and then he’ll be gone and Mikey will be left behind. Then Leo will do something stupid and sacrificial that’ll get him killed too, and Donnie will follow after that, and dad will go somewhere in there too, April and Casey and all their friends, and through it all Mikey will have to watch as his family withers away, watch as he becomes the only one left in the world, forever, and ever, and ever.

He’ll last when everyone else doesn’t, because Mikey got the short end of the stick, the shortest end of the stick, and he’ll be all alone for so long, for forever–

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck this.

His baby brother has died, and died, and died, keeps continuing to die and Raphael can’t do anything to stop it. Can’t change the way Mikey thinks about this. Not when he’s thought about it so long, not when he’s never had his brothers there to support him. Not that they ever knew. That stupid fucking kid.

Mikey has been over here getting himself killed since he was six years old, and what has Raph done? Not one fucking thing, that’s what. As a matter of fact, he seemed to have helped Mikey get himself killed. I helped Mikey get himself killed. He killed his little brother, killed him in what has apparently become a long string of deaths.

He had gone and made that stupid bet. Because he was mad, and he was upset, and it was something better. Something fun. Mikey takes the fall for him, Mikey follows him out past where they’re allowed, Mikey smiles bright and big and loud, Mikey agrees to a stupid contest, Mikey gets his arm caught trying to beat Raph, Mikey dies, Mikey comes back to life.

Repeat.

And if making the bet wasn’t bad enough, what did he go and do? Nothing. He waited so fucking long to go check on his baby brother, and if he had just been quicker, had just thought things over, his little brother wouldn’t have died.

Mikey would’ve had one less death in the books, because Raph would have been better for him. But he wasn’t, and now has the image ingrained in his head of Mikey floating there, lifeless, of Mikey still not breathing when Raph brought him back to the surface…

Of Mikey just being so much less of himself. Turtle luck true to fuckin’ form. Raph was an idiot. Mikey got hurt. Raph is an idiot, and therefore his family gets hurt.

Story of my life.

So fine. Fine. Raph will keep Mikey so far away that he’ll never be touched by his recklessness ever again, far enough away so Raph doesn’t make the mistake of hurting him again.

Far enough that he doesn't have to hear Mikey hate himself so much. I don’t see what the big deal is, his ass. If Mike thinks that Raph’s letting that go for one fucking second, that kid has got another thing comin’.

Mike ain’t ever supposed to be thinking like that. His little brother is supposed to be the opposite. Bright. Happy. Content. Not whatever… this is. His life is expendable, his life is worth less, he doesn’t understand why anyone would be upset for more than a few hours after he had been killed right in front of them, and all that other shit Mikey has started spewing.

Raph hates it. He despises it.

Those words should never leave Mike’s mouth because they’re the stupidest things he coulda ever said. But no, because nothing is ever easy, because Mikey thinks he’s an idiot, because his brother has got this fucked up notion that his life ain’t worth shit.

No way in hell should that be happening. No way in hell should his baby brother feel less and when should be feeling more. But no. Of course not. Because that’d be simple, that’d be right, not whatever the fuck this is.

Raph hits his punching bag hard. Then he hits it again, and again, and again. He beats it like it’s the one that caused all of this, like it’s the one at fault, even if Raph was the one that didn’t notice, even if Raph was the one the helped his brother die, even if Raph was the one that helped his brother feel like less because he didn’t pay enough attention, didn't try hard enough.

He didn’t do more, and that’s what hurts the worst.

He needs to leave. Needs to get away. Far from home, far from his baby brother, far enough to not hurt him anyone. Go go go run run run– Mikey’s shocked face stands on the other side of his door, the one that Raph is surprised wasn’t ripped off its hinges. His heart spikes in fear. Mikey isn’t supposed to be here. Why the fuck is he here? “No. I don’t want ya here.” Get away before I hurt you more. “Go away.”

“Go away?!” And for a second, he hates the look that flashes over his baby brother. Someone who is having a horrible day, someone who has just shown up at his brother’s door and been immediately pushed away.

He wants to feel sorry. But it’s better like this. “I said go. Away.”

Mikey crosses his arms, and Raph hates that his baby brother has that same brand of stubbornness in him, that thing that makes him so similar. “Well I’m not leaving.”

“Well I am. Good fuckin’ bye.” And Raph pushes past Mikey, moves past him as fast as he can. Go away go away leave me the fuck alone I don’t wanna hurt you again– Mikey follows after him. Of fuckin’ course.

No amount of pleading from Mikey is gonna get Raph to stop. As a matter of fact, it makes him move faster. Away. He just needs to get away. He abruptly changes direction towards the sewer entrance, hears Mikey stumble behind. He picks up speed again, but his little brother keeps after him, keeps begging Raph to just wait a sec, just come back here, and Raph ignores him, keeps going, keeps thinking he’ll lose Mikey, but he picks up speed again, and so does Mikey, which is when Raph is violently reminded that Mikey is the fastest of all of them, and utterly and completely determined.

He does stop the next time Mikey calls for him. Maybe he can get his little brother to go home. To leave Raph, to leave a person who hurts him.“I don’t wanna go anywhere with you, Mikey. Anywhere. So get the fuck away from me.”

All the hope dissipates from Mikey’s face, replaced with something broken. It looks familiar. How the hell did I not notice before this? “Geez Raph. Tell me what you really think.”

And oh, there’s that self-loathing that his brother has been hiding from them. Raph should leave, Raph should just leave, he can apologize later.

It’s just– there’s that horrible look on Mike’s face. Damn it all. “Why are ya here, Mike?” Why are you with someone dangerous, someone who killed you?

But the broken look is suddenly replaced with bewilderment. Mikey’s arms, once full of tension, suddenly drop limp to his sides. “What do you mean why am I here? You’re my big brother. I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to apologize.” Apologize. He wanted to apologize. He’s gotta stop doing that.

“I don’t–” How does he not understand this? How does he not understand what a danger Raph is to Mikey? Raph feels like a string ready to snap. He feels taught, pulled. Stretched out too far. “Mike. Ya shouldn't be around me.”

“That’s a stupid thing to say. I should know, since I’m like, the King of Stupid.” No the fuck he didn’t.

“Ya ain’t stupid, Mike.” He’s done a pretty shitty job of that, too. Stupid. Like Mike’s ever been stupid. “But that ain’t reason for me ta say anything other than sayonara.” Leave. Before I hurt you again. Before I explode, before I burn everything in my path.

And Mikey’s confused. Fuckin’ confused. He’s just standing there, not moving, trying to suss Raph out like he’s a puzzle. Like he can’t see what is obviously right in front of him. Mikey asks him again. It just doesn’t make sense. Which doesn’t– no. Raph snaps. “I’m dangerous, Mikey! I killed ya, okay?! And I have no fuckin’ idea why ya still keep followin’ me around, why ya think it’s okay to be here!” Why? Why do ya keep standin’ there? Why won’t you just run in the other direction, Mike? “What if something happens and you die on my watch, again! I can’t have that happening to you, Mike! I can’t. You shouldn’t be here you can’t be here you need to get away –”

Dangerous. Treacherous. Toxic. Get away. “You shouldn't have even been there! I was my fuckin’ fault, my fuckin’ mess. You should've been home! Safe! Why the hell are you even still here! Get away from me, get away–” And then Mikey steps closer, Mikey steps closer, and he’s gonna get hurt– “Stay the fuck away!”

But of course Mikey doesn’t believe that. As a matter of fact, Mikey is slowly coming undone too, and he looks hurt, but mostly just looks angry, a hurt sort of angry that hits at the worst of times. And he starts yelling. Not your fault, he says. Stop blaming yourself, he pleads.

It is his fault, though. And he’s not gonna stop blaming himself for the rest of his life. Not now that he knows for certain that those seconds when Mikey wasn’t moving, when Mikey was pale, was because Raph made him that way.

He killed his baby brother. He killed his baby brother, and his baby brother, the kindest person he knows, is insisting Raph didn’t.

“Don’t say that again! I don’t want you to say that again! It was a stupid accident! ” Mikey is leaning forward, his voice a high, a wispy sort of anger. But only a second later his brother backs down, regret coloring his tone. “I’m… I’m sorry.”

No. Nope. Not having that. Raph shoves his baby brother back, a ploy to get him to snap the fuck out of it. Raph wonders if his touch burns. Sorches. Hurts. “Why the hell did ya just fuckin’ say sorry? Why the hell do you keep doing that?”

“I need to apologize, though!” And there the kid goes again, acting like the whole world is his fault. Like he’s the cause of every bad thing in their family.

“What are ya gonna apologize for, Mikey?” Seriously. What the fuck is he gonna apologize for now? “Ya already apologized about a hundred times fer not tellin’ us about… apparently being able to rise from the fuckin’ dead. So what now, huh? Ya gonna apologize for fuckin’ existing?” Yes he is. “Fer hatin’ yerself so much that ya don’t think that anyone woulda cared if ya died?” That too.  

“Nah. If I hear one more stupid ass apology outta ya for the next year I will beat yer ass from here to the moon, capeesh?”

But apparently apologize just doesn’t want to get through his thick skull, he tries a different tactic instead. 

“Mike. We’re the Sunrise Crew, right? But there ain’t no Sunrise Crew without you. So get it through yer head that dyin’ is not somethin’ to brush off. And that we would care, a whole fuckin’ bunch if you weren’t here with us.”

Raph realizes right then and there that’s one of the truest things he’s said in his entire life. Even Sunrise Crew. He wants to say that’s stupid, that he doesn’t like it, but everytime Mikey’s eyes brighten when he says it…

Well. His eyes are actually darkening this time.

The problem is that Raph can almost understand where Mikey is coming from. It’s hard, through all of this, but… on some level, Raph knows if he was the one that kept dying and coming back to life, he’d probably hide it from his brothers too.

It’s not a very easy thing to explain, so ya just don’t explain it at all. Don’t get him wrong, Raph is absolutely pissed about this whole situation, but then again, would he be worried about death if it had happened to him so much before and obviously wasn’t gonna stick? The honest answer: No, he probably wouldn’t have been.

Doesn’t change the fact that it’s happening to Mikey, and Mikey doesn’t care about himself at all and Mikey is hurting more than someone should ever hurt.

Not that telling Mikey he is so fuckin’ hard on himself seems to change anything. In fact, it seems to make him that much more upset. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Raph! I’m fine! We’re all fine!”

Fine. Fine. That’s what he just told me. And really, who was he trying to convince? ‘Cause he has to know that Raph sure as hell doesn’t think that.

“You ain’t fine! That’s the whole fuckin’ point of this conversation!”

But what does Mikey say to that? “I died! It’s over! It’s done! Why are we still fighting about this?!” Because he can’t understand the fuckin’ truth, that’s why. “Raphie, please. I just wanted to make you feel better! It’s okay! Why are you so hung up on this?!”

So hung up? So hung up? He’ll tell him why he’s so hung up. He’ll make Mike understand. “Ya want ta make me feel better? Tell me ya don’t hate yerself. Tell me ya don’t think yer less than us, that ya don’t compare yerself to us everyday like what ya got ain’t good enough. Go on,” Raph demands, “Make me feel betta. Tell me.”

The worst part of this? He knows Mikey can’t. His brother tries, sure. Tries to avoid the topic. But Raph isn’t overreacting, and Mikey can’t admit it, because he knows Mikey believes every fuckin’ word of it. Raph wonders if he can even admit it to himself, or if he’s been trying so long to be fine and to look the other way that he’s blocked out the part where he’s actually not. “...why can’t you just say it, Mikey?”

I know why. You know why.  “I don’t know, Raphie.” Crack. “I don’t know.” Break. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

Shatter.

There it is. Gods, Mike. Why do ya have to do this to yourself? “I know, Mike. I know.” Mikey looks ready to collapse. Raph grabs him, holds him to stop that from happening. His baby brother is sobbing, breaking apart in his arms.

Raph wants to run away, but Mikey seems to be immune to Raph’s hurt right now. He’s too far gone in his own hurt to notice anyone else’s. So Raph holds him, and Raph won’t admit it, but he might cry a little too, and they stand there like that forever and longer after that until there’s nothing left in Mikey but to stare quietly at the floor.

He holds onto Mikey the entire way home. He’s pretty sure his brother wants him to hold on longer. And maybe Raph doesn’t want to let go of Mikey either.

Maybe Raph doesn’t ever want to let him go again.

Chapter Text

It’s– Leonardo has gone through these past few days in what he can only describe as a haze. Nothing about their life has ever gone great for him. But after Mikey… Leo’s having a hard time. And the more time passes, the more he realizes just how much he’s missed about his littlest brother. Things that should’ve been so easy to see.

The problem is that Mikey hasn’t said anything really incriminating until their talk, and that’s only because he was forced to. The problem is that his little brother never says anything bad in full sentences, just bits and pieces.

Bit and pieces that when put together make up one horrifying puzzle, one full of pain, of agony and fear and regret. One that Mikey has been hiding for way too long. One that his brothers have been fooled into.

Leo thinks back to three days ago, when Mikey said my life is worth less than yours, and he thinks back to three days ago when Mikey said better me than you guys, right?

He looks back to those moments, those ugly things on replay in his brain and thinks: these are big. Maybe they aren’t meant to be, but those were loud admissions, loud voices inside an already familiar one, loud voices begging to be heard even if their speaker didn’t think they needed to.

These moments have been spoken as casual admittances, facts of life. I am less. I have always been less. You should think of me that way too.

That’s what he’s trying to say. And these sentences are clear in all the worst ways – being shielded from the dark, begging to see the light day in and day out, knowing it’ll be good, and wonderful and warm, only to have the blindfold taken off and see that the light you have been looking for is actually full of lies, and suffering, and utter cold. It makes you wish for the darkness again, the not knowing.

But you can’t go back, because once you see the light you can’t unsee it no matter how horrifying it is, how much you wish you hadn’t. So you stay in the light, in the knowing, and learn the new world around you, learn to navigate it, become familiar with everything you hadn’t before. You learn that maybe the light needs the darkness that comes with it to keep going. You learn that too much dark is just as bad as too much light – an all-encompassing feeling of nothing. Of blank and empty and helplessness.

So at first you wish for the light. The light is better, they say. The light is great. You’ve never experienced the light before, though. You want to ask what it feels like, but the problem is that everyone you ask has a different answer.

Then you get the light, and you wonder if you would rather have the black and the darkness again. Leo was put into the light with unflinching words and carved-in-stone truths that are actually lies, with demanding eyes and unflinching faith.

The light for Leonardo it seems is truth. He’s starting to wonder if he’d rather have stayed in a peaceful, calming bliss.

He has found that the light, something he so sought after, something he thought his family already had, was just an optical illusion – careful mirrors and bright shards of glass made to look like what Leo wanted to see, because if he looked closely he’d see that his baby brother, his light was actually covering a whole lot of black.

Mikey tells them the truth. He tells them his truth. He tells them lies he has made himself believe for nineteen years, little wisps of nothing that have collected, started to make sense in a mind twisted with less and not good enough like they’re his own light, his own truth.

Let in on a secret that is not so much a secret when you look closely, when you catch the reflection at just the right angle and see that it’s cracked, shattering.

So Mikey’s at the point where he’s trying to be convinced that he’s wrong, that his beliefs are incorrect because to the uncomprehending mind, they are. And not a uncomprehending that means unknowing, but the kind that has been purposefully constructed in an attempt to ease the pain, but in doing so constructs a wall of whispers and half-truths that let the dark inside fester and eat away until it’s host has nothing left.

This is his baby brother. This is what he hears at the table, hours after the glass is shattered with a bullet and empty eyes, with a pre-packaged smile that is pretended to not be so, and a careful, concise image that is suddenly not working as well as it has always done.

It’s the slow unravel that reveals itself through worry and fear and love, with a desire to know why and a desire to know the truth.

And now he and his brothers have put Mikey inside a siege: battering away, hammering into the battlements around his mind, breaking and chipping and watching the cracks grow, the stone crumble. And with the more that falls, the more the whispers become spoken words, the more years of truths and confidences and bravado all become what they actually were: lies.

Soldiers run to defend their wall, work up patches, fight off questioning stares and broken hearts, but they find that the haphazard patches that used to work before suddenly don’t anymore, and that they may have to come to an unwilling surrender – bloodied and beaten and still trying to fight even when, on some levels, they pray for siege to continue, to let someone else take control and fix up the mess left behind.

That is Michelangelo.

A soldier fighting for his life in a war he feels he never had a fighting chance to begin with, but soldiered on anyhow. The battles always fought with words, because words can always be used as weapons, wielded like the sharpest blade in the right hands. Like his hands.

Except It’s not a big deal and don’t worry about it and it’s okay, really worked better when the mirage wasn’t broken by one very bad night.

But now here he is, and words as weapons aren’t nearly as effective, and Leonardo has been able to detect more lies than truths the past few days, been exposed to what was shrouded underneath bright colors and happy words.

Leo thought he was good at telling lies until he found out he wasn’t. Now he knows for sure that he actually is, because he’s actually paying attention. Paying attention to the still hands and wandering eyes that completely missed the popping, loud characters stilling on a well-watched TV.

His younger brother finishes his first lap, hesitantly crossing the line in first place, when those hands don’t ever make it there on a normal day. Green eyes meet blue, a flash of siege replacing unsureness with a lashing of a leg on a not-entirely-there brother. “Stop lookin’ and start playin’, Knucklehead.” The flash of red orders to the closer patch of orange.

Mikey takes far too long to come back to himself, and when he does the first thing that comes out of his mouth is a slight against Commandment One in the new world. Don’t apologize.

“Don’t worry about it, Mike. Ya know how Don is.” He assures, although notes how the General of Knowledge went searching for answers days ago and hasn’t returned since.

It makes it hard to disagree with the brother who has already come to the conclusion of wrong, and has figured that being proven so would not make much better, but in fact make it worse. “Yeah, but he also took those blood samples, and they don’t take, like, three days to analyze… do they? What if he found something, like, bad?”

What if he tells me something I already think and you believe it? What if you see the worst of me and agree that it’s the only part of me? That’s what the voice says.

Leonardo would vehemently disagree. His words time with first and fifth flashing on the screen, except they’re in the wrong spots. Twisted around. “Then he’ll come out and tell us, and we’ll figure out what’s going on.” 

The soothing effect that his words are supposed to have doesn't soothe in the way they’re supposed to, the way they’re supposed to start building strong, steadier foundations for his baby brother to lean on. All they do is make his face scrunch up in worry, and hand out false jokes and confidences.

He’s got to find a way to be better for Mikey. He’s got to find a way to make him more. Which is when Donatello enters the conversation with two things: two studies and two answers. One good. One that starts something. The other…? Not so much.

“I can’t find anything!” His brother informs them first, voice high and reedy and tired, a failed mission to learn the unknown.

Then an honest-to-gods whiteboard is placed in front of them, in front of he and his brothers, and the voice, hesitant as it is, gains a hopeful lilt, a combatant to his earlier perceived failure. “I’ve come up with a plan!” It’s only then that Leonardo zeros in on the stack of papers, crinkled and clutched like a flimsy lifeline. “Okay,” Donnie concedes, some of that confidence once again slipping when Raph makes a point of the hastily written presentation, “Maybe I only have part of a plan.” He throws the papers on the coffee table, offering them up with a kind of calm urgency.

Read it. Read it, but be gentle. So he reaches, he pulls himself forwards, tries not to shift the weight leaning on him, and then has to stop. “Operation Orange? Donnie, what does that mean?” War. We’re in a war. An invasion. And this is the plan to break into the castle.

Leo likes plans. Plans are good. Plans are something he can work with. Too bad that’s never been Mikey’s forte. 

“And why orange?” The youngest protests, “You couldn't have come up with a better name than that? There’s lots of great names for an operation around me...”

Donnie frowns. “I thought it was accurate.” I thought it would make you notice. I thought it’d make you care. It’s hard to make somebody care about themselves when they seem to have never done so before, though.

“Well it is, but–” But it’s about him.

Raphael is not so tactful. He doesn’t do subterfuge. He’s the one that charges headfirst, uses blunt force and brutal honesty to get the truth. “Ain’t he got enough right now? With, ya know, tryin’ ta ignore what happened a few days ago as if we’ll forget about it?”

“Geez, Raph,” His baby brother sounds like he already knows the answer. He won’t say it. It seems he never really has. “Who says I’m ignoring it?”

“You in every way other than actually sayin’ it. Like ya do every fuckin’ time somethin’ is botherin’ ya.” A new challenger approaches.

Leo is almost tempted to let the argument ensue. Maybe blunt force is what Mikey really needs, not subtle glances and long hours spent locked away, not gentle touches and worried words. Maybe Mikey needs the brashness and the loud, something more crude. Maybe that’s what he really needs.

The words on the table finally catch his attention, and then Leo changes his mind. This makes sense. This puts things in place that should’ve been in place much sooner. “Are these all about self-esteem?” He asks instead, finding himself with his hands on an article before he’s even had the time to register it.

That seems to spur Raph and Mikey into action, taking their own offered research. Raph’s eyes widen, then carefully draw into something blank. It makes sense to him too. Mikey… not so much. “But. I don’t have low self-esteem.”

Not the right response to we have to help you. It’s also, upon reflection, the correct response. The words themselves are wrong, but they tell the story all the same. His little brother needs help.

“Ok, well. Maybe it isn’t like, one-hundred percent. But. I mean, who does?” It’s an amendment, a way to not single himself out as different when he already feels as such.

“Let’s… figure it out then.” I’m here for you. “If you don’t think you have it. Right here, as a family, okay?” We’re here for you. That seems to calm him just a little bit. It’s in the word family, Leo thinks. That’s always been one of Mikey’s favorite words.

Which is when Donnie starts to write. He starts to make little scribbles, and Leo wonders if he notices that three pairs of eyes are tracking his every move. Wonders how long has a hard time accepting/believing compliments , compares himself to us/others , and feels worthless has been sitting in Donnie's mind. How long those thoughts have been sitting in Mikey’s. And he also wonders how long they should’ve been floating around in Leo’s.

Still, it’s not unexpected when his little notes, or maybe big, maybe gigantic, are immediately refuted. Pushed away. “I don’t compare myself to you guys.”

“Yes you do. You told me in my lab.”

Of course, this isn’t in direct words, Leonardo knows. This is in things like Leo can do this, Raph can do this, you can do this, Donnie. I can’t do any of that. I can’t be any of that. Not what’s considered comparing to one, but considered comparing to everyone else.

“That wasn’t– I was just telling you the truth. It’s not comparing…” Donnie emphasizes the importance with a circle around the words, a warning of this isn’t gonna work, stop pretending it will… “That isn’t fair!”

What’s happening isn’t fair. It still needs to happen. “Why, because it’s true?” Mikey shifts uncomfortably with Raph’s words. “Ya literally told us ya thought you were worth less than us, which fuckin’ means yer comparin’ yerself. Ah! Don't’ say anotha word , Mike.” His baby brother shuts his mouth with a slam.

“And you not being able to take compliments is something we should’ve thought about way sooner. You always play it off when we give you compliments. I don’t know why we didn’t talk about this earlier, but it’s obvious you don’t believe what we say. What I say.”

It’s so obvious. Why didn’t I see this before? How could I have failed my baby brother so badly? “It’s just– there’s nothing you really should compliment me on.” Walls. Walls and walls and walls that are so see through now, so clear. And to think that there’s nothing…

Raph expression screams hurt. “And why the fuck is that?”

“Because I’m… Mikey.”  

He tells his baby brother otherwise. Tells him in the most certain way he can, uses the word amazing and he wants to say more, wants to say funny and smart and infinitely kind and caring, but he’s only got one here, right now.

One word, because Donnie is writing about negative thoughts on the board, and Mikey and Raph are arguing again, and one because if he were to say anymore he’d keep talking for eternity, keep talking and never stop because there’s just too much to say about Mikey. Too many words that don’t even cover amazing. And then if he said more, he’d start talking about Raph and Don too, but they just don’t have time, they’re in the middle of a siege–

“...do we have to keep doing this? I don’t want to keep doing this anymore.” Leo closes his mouth, and sometime in between there realizes he had started arguing too.

So he stops arguing, and Raph stops arguing, and Donnie stops arguing, and instead start doing the opposite. “Right. Ok. So basically, the first two things I want to focus on are communication and listening. Instead of internalizing everything, we’re going to try to… say how we feel. And the others are going to listen.”

Communication. They’ve been absolutely horrible at that lately. Maybe it’s time to try again. And– “I” statements. Leo can work with that. Donnie gets to it quicker than him, though. “I feel scared and upset that Mikey has died so many times, times we could've prevented, and yet we didn’t know about.”

Don’t tell them because they won’t care. He can practically hear it echoing around in his baby brother’s head. “Well I the fuck feel like I have a problem with Mikey keepin’ all these secrets from us, ‘cause it makes me feel like he doesn’t trust us.”

That wasn’t Raph’s best idea, probably. “Of course I trust you guys! I trust you with my life!”

“But not with this.”

Here’s the thing. Mikey and Raph both make good cases. Leonardo is without a doubt certain that Mikey trusts them. Always has. And he knows that Mikey trusts them with his life, has always looked to his big brothers for everything. But at the same time… Mikey never told them about this. Mikey put up walls, tried to make someplace impenetrable.

Mikey trusts them, everyone knows that. But at the same time, and not on purpose, leaving all of that out also proves that this was not a topic they were ever supposed to know about, ever supposed to be trusted with.

Leo wants to feel bad when he voices his agreement with Raph. Wants to feel the need to apologize. But that has to come later, because right now Mikey needs to know.

“Part of the reason we’re so upset, so hurt by what happened is the fact that you didn’t tell us. It’s– how can we help you when we don’t know you need to be helped? You’re my baby brother, Mikey. The fact that you’ve been hurt, you’ve died so many times and I haven’t been able to help or stop it…” Wow. This hurts.  

His baby brother is very still. Maybe… well. He can hope something broke through that wall, right? 

Donnie pushes on, obviously having the same thoughts. He reminds them of his sleepless nights, of staying up and up and up with no rest and a sag to his shoulders and a point of ignoring meddling brothers, and he reminds them that–

He reminds Leo of that night, when Mikey had come up to him with wide eyes and worry clear on his face, Donnie hasn’t been sleeping and it’s not good and all the fear that comes with letting it get this far, and he remembers them passing Raph after, of Raph’s concerned look, of Mikey’s voice sharp and scared saying four days and won’t stop and their red-banded brother suddenly keeping pace with them, of them having to pull Donnie away from his lab, of Leo telling him how worried they are, that he should’ve come to them for help, and it all reminds Leo of that, like it’s supposed to, because it reminds Mikey too, reminds him in the way it’s supposed to, like Donnie meant for it to. “What were you more upset about? The fact that I hadn’t been sleeping, or the fact that I hadn't been sleeping and you didn't know, so you couldn’t help me before it got so bad?”

“...that I couldn’t help you, I guess. But how is that–” Exactly, Mikey. “I can… see where you dudes are coming from, I guess. I just– I just didn’t want you to get hurt. But if you’re getting hurt ‘cause I’m not telling you stuff, then I can guess I can try and do that more.”

Yes. Please do that. Do that for me, Mikey. Please. Don’t care about us getting hurt, don’t care about our feelings. Care about making yourself better. Please. Please. Please.

“Everyone here has secrets, and it’s hard to see yours laid bare without any control on it whatsoever. That being said, I’m glad we know now. We can try to prevent you from dying, take active steps to make sure you don’t look at yourself as something less valuable than anyone else. I’m sorry it happened like this, but not sorry we know.”

At least that’s agreed on. At least that’s a start. He just has to start somewhere. Mikey has to start somewhere.

No more walls, no more smoke and shadows. No more hiding and no more dark. They’re in this together from now on. Leo will be with Mikey until the end of the universe, and he’ll be there to help him be what he should’ve been all along.

Side-by-side. Together. Nothing else ever again.

Chapter Text

Look. Raphael gets it. He understands. Now not usually. Not usually does he understand, let alone agree with anythin’ Leo has to say, but this… this he kinda gets. He kinda gets where his older brother is coming from, kinda gets the whole never letting Mikey get hurt ever again thing.

He gets the way that Leo is comin’ at the whole situation, that ever-present anxiety-ridden worry he has kicked up about ten thousand notches, understands that Leo is terrified of something happenin’ to Mikey again, of him being an idiot and getting himself killed. Again. Because apparently his baby brother can just do that. Apparently his baby brother can just rise from the dead and then be fuckin’ fine about it, can just be like that.

So fuckin’ yeah, he gets where his older brother is comin’ from.

It’s been a shitty few days. A few real shitty days. Ones that he’d rather scrub from his mind for the rest of existence, rest of eternity. Mikey dyin’ and comin’ back to life was not on his to-do list any time in near future, or really ever.

More accurately, it was so far off of any list that it should’ve been nothing to ever, ever, ever happen. Except here they are. Except here they are.

Now Donnie is fervently trying to do everything in his power to figure out the cause, figure out an answer, figure out anythin’ about this situation like it can somehow make sense at the right fuckin’ angle.

Like if he just looks at it long enough Mikey will suddenly magically be better, if he just examines a little bit more Mikey won’t have any problems anymore. That’s the Don he’s gettin’ right now, and soon his brother will run himself into the ground with all that thinkin’ because that’s where they’re whole family is goin’ apparently.

And yeah, Leo’s fear is, for once, actually justified. No matter how much the kid keeps sayin’ that Leo shouldn’t be worryin’, that they shouldn’t be worryin’, it ain’t gonna happen.

If Leonardo had anxiety before, well Raph don’t even know what he’s got now. He can’t even scale this. But for once, it’s fair, and for once Raph ain’t gonna fight it. Leo has got his reasons, good reasons, so yeah, he can be a little paranoid if he wants.

Raph himself has gone through about a million more emotions than he’s wanted to these past few days, an ugly amount that is gross because he’s not supposed to feel, thank you very much.

Mikey dies. Mikey comes back to life. Mikey tells them it ain’t a big deal. Mikey tells them that he ain’t a big deal and should be titled “expendable”. Mikey fights with Raph. Mikey breaks down in Raph’s arms.

Mikey does all of these things, and it’s like: Mikey dies. Raph is very upset. Mikey comes back to life. Raph is very surprised. Mikey tells them it ain’t a big deal. Raph is very angry. Mikey tells them that he ain’t a big deal and should be titled “expendable”. Raph is very angry. Again. Mikey fights with him. Raph is very scared. Mikey breaks down his arms. Raph is very upset, surprised, angry, and scared.

Emotions are horrible, Raph hates them and he’s had too many, too much, really too much ever, so yeah, even if he hates it, he gets it.

He gets where Leo is comin’ from. He gets the fear. So when Leo wants to leave for patrol and Mikey tries to come with him, he gets where his older brother immediately goes no.

He gets it. He gets it. But he also gets Mikey. More than anyone can understand, because while he’s the fire and anger, Mikey is the bright and light, similar in all the ways the Sunrise Crew could be, in all the same ways that Raph sees them, so yeah, it’s logical for Mike to stay home. Stayin’ home means he doesn’t get hurt and he can’t go out there and get himself killed again.

Except– except he also knows Mikey. And that’s where the problem arises. That’s where the this ain’t gonna go the way Leo wants it to starts comin’ out, and that’s where Mikey ain’t about to be stopped rings in his head. “You’re not going on patrol, Mikey!”

It’s been the same damn argument they’ve had for the past like, half an hour, and there’s been about two sentences said the entire time. “Leo, you’ve gotta let me come.”

Around and around. Mikey, whining at their older brother. Leo, I’m coming on patrol. I have to go on patrol. Leo instantly counters every time. You’re not coming. That’s final.

The same shit again and again.

Mike wants to get out. Bad. Raph don’t want him to come, but he also don’t want Mikey to be by himself, not anymore. He also don’t want Mikey to do anythin’ stupid. So he, against his own best interest, sides with Mikey. “Just let him fuckin’ come, Leo. I ain’t got all day ‘ere.” Just let me keep the kid in sight.

“Please,” Donnie begs, that same edge of desperation in his voice that Raph’s been tryin’ to keep out of his. “It’s enough. We need to go.”

Leo doesn’t look over at the two of them. His face is set in that hard, eldest brother, no way face that even Raph don’t really try ta argue with, which is what makes it even worse when Leo’s shoulders scrunch up in hurt. Why aren’t you siding with me on this? “Mikey’s. Not. Coming.”

Ta keep the kid safe, Fearless. Either one of us gotta stay here, or he gotta come with us. He’s hurt and angry, and if the kid don’t do somethin’ about it soon, it’s only gonna get worse. Much worse, bro.

“Yes. I. Am. ‘Cause if I don’t, I’ll never be able to leave again.”

Well. If Mikey wanted to make a good point, that’d be it. Might be the only good point he’s made this week, but it still stands. Don’t change the face that when Donnie agrees, Leo sends such a withering look their way that he thinks it could cut through steel.

“Look. I need to get outta here. Please . It’s– look.” And his baby brother’s whole stance pleads please Leo, his voice lowering to a whisper. Raph can’t hear it, but it must mean somethin’ ta Leo, ‘cause his face gets that stupid sad-guilty look ta it. 

Right until Mikey straightens up, scans them all over, and promptly announces: “And you don’t have to worry about me dying or anything, I swear. I’ve probably got another three or four years before it happens again.”

Oh he did not just fuckin’ say that.

It’s supposed to be a reassurance too. Raph knows that’s how Mike meant it, because he knows Mike. He knows that his baby brother is always tryin’ to make everyone feel better, tryin’ ta lighten their moods, and he knows that this was supposed ta do that, but really it just does the exact opposite.

None of them wanted to hear Mikey say that. None of them wanted to hear I’m gonna die again come out of Mike’s mouth.

It don’t matter how he meant it, that his brother meant it in the I’m not gonna get hurt tonight so it’s fine for me to go but he said it all the same, and the things it implies are horrible and ugly and make him feel even more emotions than he’s not supposed ta be feeling.

“...sorry.” Mikey says finally, eyes tracking their movements, the way their faces must reflect back the utter fear and horror of him sayin’ he was gonna die again. Then he shifts back a little, cringing. “I mean not sorry.” Like that’s what they’re worried about right now.

“Look, what I’m trying to say is that I’ll be fine, and you’ll be there, right? No dying for me, I swear.” Again, not reassuring.

“The last time you died we were with you.” Donnie accuses, a clear frown on his face. “And it’s very concerning to me that you have an estimated timeline of when you’ll next die, because that seems to imply to me that you don’t care if you die again, only that you won’t for a while.”

Mike don’t like that. As a matter of fact, it actually seems to make him more uncomfortable, and lookin’ like oh shit I messed up. That brings some comfort to Raph, if only he didn’t know Mikey’s version of I messed up is about the worst thing to exist and makes him beat himself down like nothin’ else.

“I’m just… scared. Mikey. Of– of what will happen.” Leo’s voice rings out, devastated. Goddamnit, Mike.

“The last time we did patrol you– yeah. That’s why I don’t want you to come.” Leo looks at Mikey with a hopeful expression, obviously really aimin’ for what he says next to be taken to heart. “I could… have somebody stay home with you? That way you aren’t by yourself?”

Mikey shakes his head. “…I understand. But I’ll still be down here, Leo. I need to be up there.”

He gives them all a very hard stare, and before Mikey even speaks he knows what his baby brother is about ta say. “If you don’t let me come, I’ll leave myself. And I’ll stay out however long I want.”

Yep. Fuckin’ guessed it.

Here’s the part where Mikey becomes him, and here’s the part that Raph hates the most. “Like hell you will!” Leo is yellin’ right back before Raph gets the chance to say anythin’, and for once Raph really wants to stop the fightin’.

Mikey steps closer to Leo, fists balled, shoulders tense, Leo a copy of that stance, and fuck me do I not need a fight right now. “Fuckin’ watch me, Leo.”

Nope. That’s it. “Okay you two! Back off. Jesus, what the fuck is with the fightin’?” That stops both of them. Leo takes a step back and Mikey literally sinks in on himself,the fight leavin’ them within a few seconds. Donnie rushes over to Mikey, grabbing onto him and moving them away from Raph and Leo, and Raph does the same to his older brother.

“Fearless. We’re done with the fuckin’ fightin’, okay? Done.” He shoves Leo’s shoulder when he doesn’t respond, gettin’ all the more pissed off for bein’ ignored. “I don’t know how I got ta be the one done with this shit, but here I am. And you gotta be too.”

“Mikey is trying to leave, Raph.” Leo rebuffs, tone flat.

“Like we haven’t figured that out.” He snaps back, just done. “But you know he’ll leave if we don’t let him come. Kid’s been down here fer a week and is a gasket ready to blow. Don’t matter if one of us stay here with him, he’s gonna get out either way.”

“Raph.”

“Leo. Mike is pissed off, upset, and just about havin’ the worst week of his life. Havin’ him stay home while some of us go out is gonna be about the worst thing for him, and he’ll use that against is. And before ya go groanin’ and moanin’ about how it’s idiotic to put Mikey back out in the field right now, I just wanna say that I agree with ya. Again. Gettin’ kinda worryin’ on the agreein’ part, to be honest. ” He scowls. I’m agreeing with Fearless too much here. “But we gotta play damage control. Takin’ Mike with us is gonna be the best way from preventin’ somethin’ much worse from happenin’.”

Leo stares at Raph. Raph stares at Leo. Leo stares some more at Raph. Raph stares some more at Leo. There’s a lot more starin’ than there should be. “So what you’re telling me is I should prevent him from pulling a you.”

“Yes.”

“Gods, I hate this.”

Raph crosses his arms. “Ain’t like I’m over here smilin’ up a storm, Leo. Not sayin’ it’s good, just sayin’ it’s better than the alternative.”

“Right,” His brother reluctantly gives in, not that Raph can really blame him, “Well–”

“I’m not… depressed or anything.” Mikey’s voice pipes up, and Raph straightens, his whole body tensin’. “I get that my self esteem probably could use a little TLC, but not. Not that. I swear to you that I care.” He’s talkin’ to Donnie, voice supposedly low, but it echoes across the room, and he and his older brother tune into it immediately.

Mikey’s voice does drop again, not consciously, when Donnie’s face twists up in an odd and sad sorta way that it should never do. “He really thinks that, doesn’t he?” Leo whispers beside him.

Raph breathes out a sigh, and for some horrible reason his voice matches Leo. “Yeah.”

Which is what makes it even worse. He knows Mike thinks that, on some level, he really is okay. That his self esteem is just a little issue easily solved, that nothin’ about the way he thinks shows any signs of depression at all, that if he just acts a little more fine for a few days his brothers will forget about this whole thing.

That they’ll let it go. That’s what Mikey wants, because that’s how Mikey goes back to pretendin’ he’s fine. Except none of them can pretend, because all of them know.

Raph wishes it weren’t like this. He does. But they’re here now, and what happened… happened. It ain’t gonna go away anytime soon. And Mike is just gonna have to accept that. He’s just gonna have to. “…guys always make it okay. That’s what big brothers are for, right?”

“Right.” His genius brother assures, but he’s got that look that says I obviously haven't made it okay before, so how am I gonna do that now?

“Of course.” Fearless replies in that same ugly tone.

Then he hates it even more when his voice matches theirs, again, when it sounds the same, but he can’t help it. Yeah, because in Mikey's world they always make things okay for him. Which is really fuckin’ sweet and endearin’ and makes Raph feel things he ain’t used ta feeling, but at the same they haven’t really been doin’ that, and that fuckin’ hurts like hell that Mikey still believes they do. “Yeah, yeah, sure. Whatever.” I’ll try so much fuckin’ harder now. Promise. “Can we go on patrol now?”

“We?” Mikey’s whole body perks up, pleasantly surprised.

Leo is not feeling the same. “Yes, we. You can… you can come, Mikey. Raph has made it clear to me that you and him are much more alike than I’d like you to be.” And… there’s that bitter tone he’s been waitn’ for. Annoyin’? Maybe. Justified? Yes.

Of course Mike, however happy that kid may be at the situation, just has to question the whole stupid thing, even when he knows the answer. So yeah, maybe his baby brother ain’t some child. But he has proven that he ain’t doin’ nothin’ in his best interest, and that means for the time bein’ that he has to be kept an eye on.

Maybe Mike likes what he’s sayin’ and maybe he thinks that this… thing is goin’ past them, but it ain’t. This is gonna be a long and horrible thing that Raph is so not lookin’ forward to.

What gets him even worse is when Mikey pulls out all his gear from underneath the couch, like he thought that Leo would break eventually, by way of understandin’ that it just wasn’t good to keep him here (or safe) and that their eldest brother would just see that and let things go back to normal. He confirms this by telling Leo he knew it was gonna happen.

Like his baby brother charm usually, or unfortunately, works. Except this time is for a different reason that Raph don’t wanna talk about right now. So instead he says: “Ya always break for Mikey.” Then he shoves his older brother, side-eyeing him.

Play the fuck along, Fearless. “I do not.” He shoves Raph back lightly.

“Yes you do.” Donnie agrees, obviously on the same level as them, the smartass, “All he’s gotta do is give you those stupid eyes and you fall right for it. I wish I could do that. Maybe you’ll have to teach me, Mikey.”

“Don’t worry, Dee. I got ya. I’m the master of getting big brothers to do my willing.”

His little brother is fallin’ for it too. This relaxed stance they’ve taken on, this it’ll be fine idea. It hurts that they changed it around that easy. It hurts that Mikey is lettin’ them. It hurts because he knows what Mike is doin’ too, knows he started this, a distraction, a coverup, and that with this comes a horrible startlin’ clarity that it usually works on them.

The jokes don’t stop when they leave, Mikey and Donnie chattin’ back and forth about how to make Leo and Raph do their bidin’, and most of the time that itself would worry Raph, but right now it’s just the fact that Mikey is actin’ like nothin’ is wrong in the first place.

He’s got that same easy smile he always has, and that same light laugh, and even if he looks at them sometimes like he’s waitin’ for them to say he’s wrong, he seems to be content with lettin’ things go back to the way they were.

And ya know what? That’s what fuckin’ hurts the most. That.

Chapter Text

Donnie is having a hard time making head-or-tails of this situation. The whiplash he’s been getting is… extreme, to say the least.

Nothing in the world is black and white, he knows this with absolute certainty. There is a greyscale, nuances and surprise variables. Things that shift the equations, change the bigger picture.

As a scientist he understands this. He knows that everything has an explanation, that even the most simple of things can have tiny, hidden details that make everything bigger and more complicated. He knows this.

He endeavors to know everything. An impossibility, he’s aware. No one can know everything, no matter how hard they try. That doesn't change the fact that Donnie wants to know more.

All the time. Everyday. Every hour, minute, second, he wants to learn and know. Since he can remember, he wants to know. Sure, there are all things he and his brothers know more than one another. Leo knows more about meditation, how to brew the perfect tea, how to be a leader, how to wield a katana, how to be courageous in even the most trying of times. Raph knows more about hand-to-hand combat, more about wrestling and sports, more about his bike, more about wielding sais, more about being strong in the face of danger. Donnie knows more about medicine, about engineering and technology, about science, about how to brew the perfect coffee, more about wielding a bō, more about building strategies for missions. Mikey knows more about cooking, how to draw and do art and create, more about gymnastics, more about psychology, more about how to wield nunchucks, more about keeping him and his family going even when they feel like they can’t, more about… more about–

No. Don’t.

So there are things that his brothers know more than him. Things he knows more than his brothers. Which is okay. That’s good. All those pieces are what come together to make a cohesive team. They need those differences. Except when those differences…

Donatello, stop it. Stop it. This isn’t helping.

Right. Okay. Back to the matter at hand. There are also things they all know. For example: they all know ninjutsu, and all know how to wield the other’s weapon. That being said, they all know about being brothers. They all know about being quadruplets. They all know about living in the sewer, and being mutated turtles, and having to stay hidden from the world, no matter how much they long to be in it.

Then the things that only parts of them know. Leo, Raph, and himself know about being older brothers. Him, Raph, and Mikey know about being younger brothers.

But look at the smaller details. Sure, Raph and Donnie know about being both older and younger brothers. But Raph will always know more than Donnie will about being an older brother, while Donnie will always know more about being a younger brother than he will as an older brother. Leo only knows how to be an older brother, because he’s the oldest. Similarly, Mikey only knows how to be a younger brother, because he’s the youngest.

Just like how him, Leo, and Raph know about death, but didn’t know–

We didn’t know Mikey couldn’t die. We didn't know that Mikey thinks so little of himself. We didn’t know he walks around thinking he doesn’t matter, and that we wouldn’t care. We don’t know what causes this.

I don’t know what causes this.

Goddamnit.

Nothing is ever simple. Never black and white. But right now… right now the differences really do seem to be night and day. From the way Mikey acts in one moment to the next – the self-deprecating words to the bright smile and jokes – it’s like the whole world is getting flipped back and forth every few minutes.

It also tells a story that Donnie doesn’t want to read. It tells a story of secrets, half-truths, lies that have been hidden from him his whole life.

Donnie and Mikey are supposed to be best friends. They’re supposed to be inseparable. A bond unbreakable. Two sides of the same geek coin. Science and art, quiet and loud. The two youngest, the two closest.

Which is why this all cuts so deep.

They have always told the other everything. Always. There has never been a secret between the two of them. There’s never been a lie, or hidden feelings. No hiding. Donnie tells Mikey everything, and Mikey tells Donnie everything. Their fears, their hopes and dreams, why they’re annoyed, why they’re tired, why they’re happy, why they’re worried. No secrets.

Now… now Donnie has to rethink everything. Not only has Mikey been lying to him, but he’s been doing it for the last thirteen-odd years. I can’t die is a pretty damn large secret to keep to yourself. Coupled with the my life doesn’t matter like yours, Donnie has felt blindsided by his little brother in a way he didn’t think he’d ever be able to. That hurts.

He could’ve helped Mikey. He could’ve looked into what was going on. He could've curbed the way he thinks about himself. Donnie could’ve if given the chance. But he wasn’t.

My best friend didn’t trust me enough to tell the truth.

Which hurts in and of itself because Mikey doesn’t even realize that’s what has happened. Mikey sits there and thinks that he’s doing them a favor, a service. That keeping this from them would cause less pain, less hurt. That he was going to keep this from them forever for their benefit. Instead all that’s happened is this secret festering inside Mikey like a virus. A virus that’s affecting everything he does, as is now perfectly well clear.

To top it all off, this whole situation brings up some very scary ideas that now just won’t leave. Ideas that terrify him down to the core because… because… how long before these ideas become something more? How long until these thoughts hurt him so much that he in turn hurts himself? How long until Mikey decides he should start his own experiments? How long until Mikey tests his own limits?

Then, the one that gets him the most: what if he already has?

Donnie heard his brother in his lab. He heard that stutter in his sentence when he said he wasn’t trying to die. He heard it. He has just been hoping to the gods above that it isn’t something more than he already had suspected this whole thing to be.

He’s just so afraid of what’s to come. Maybe Donnie isn’t the one to study psych, but he’s smart. He can read the signs all the same (and that’s another mess of emotions to shove down, because for someone to know so much and then not notice it in themselves…) Well. 

Mikey has always been good at ignoring things he doesn’t want to think of, hasn’t he?

Like now. Like Mikey joking about learning French to tease Leo, like the ugly feeling of playing along with this whole charade like he thinks it’s funny, thinks he doesn’t need to worry all that much.

Leo’s pacing like his life depends on it, stress clear as day to see. He hates that Raph was right about this whole thing. Hates that Mikey is out here right now, where he can get hurt.

Hates that they all can only look at Mikey and think of all the ways they’ve failed him now. Donnie knows that. He only has to take one look at his older brothers to understand.

The forced cheeriness making its way across the rooftop irks him to no end. Especially the fact that if he didn’t know what was going on, this whole interaction would seem utterly normal. He wonders how many of these moments that Mikey starts have been faked. How many have actually been real. He hates that he even has to think that now.

He hates that he even has to question his best friend in the first place.

Now they’re huddled together, and Leo is telling them their plan, which just involves a lot of sticking together, and shortening the patrol significantly. All important things. Ones that Mikey isn’t paying attention to, apparently. Donnie wonders what he’s thinking about. Then he wonders if he wants to know. 

“Did you hear anything I just said?”

Mikey rocks back on his heels, flashing that bright, dazzling smile at Leo that has always gotten him out of trouble before. It feels fake now. “Yes, absolutely.”

“You didn’t hear a damn word.” Raph fiddles with his sais, eyes narrowing slightly. They all know that sometimes Mikey has a hard time paying attention, but…it’s easy to be upset right now. So easy.

Does Mikey notice how tense they all are? Does he notice how Leo is giving himself a headache with the stress? How Raph is on the verge of blowing up? How is he on the verge of shutting down? Or does he just look at Leo as he repeats what he’s been talking about and… “Yeah I got it. No splitting up, do our normal patrol, teams, no boy band break ups, no letting me out of your sight? Sound right?”

…thinks it’s all a joke.

“That’s the gist of it.” Donnie keeps his voice light. Does Mikey notice how much it trembles? “No dying on our watch.”

Mikey’s shoulders straighten, a flash of irritation making its way across his face. “ I told you that–”

“Ah! We don’t wanna fuckin’ hear it. It ain’t good to believe it, it ain’t good to say it, and it especially ain’t good for us to hear it again.” Be careful, Raph. You may be right, but Mikey thinks he’s right too, and that’s only going to lead to trouble right now.  

Thankfully his little brother doesn’t say anything more after that, but it’s clear the irritation stays. He just doesn’t seem to get their worry, no matter how much they try to express it. Then again, Donnie remembers, he doesn’t think he deserves that worry in the first place.

Then trying to wash it away a few seconds later doesn’t work. It doesn’t. Trying to deflect by talking about breaking into stores, which Donnie is annoyed he was exposed about, doesn’t work. Mikey has been lying, and now Donnie can see it for what it’s always been. What his mind keeps circling back to.

Keeps circling back to as they run across the rooftops, keeps circling back to it as they pretend to have a good time for Mikey’s sake, because that’s what they’re doing now, keeps circling back to it when he seems to almost believe them, when the irritation just melts away, keeps circling all around again and again and again until they’re stopped because of the Dragons. The Dragons.

The people that Donnie wants to be around the least right now. The people that– “Donnie? You stay up here with Mikey and make sure he doesn’t get anywhere near this fight.”

Oh thank the Gods. “Are you serious?” The irritation is back. The hurt and disbelief. Mikey doesn’t get to feel that. Donnie gets to feel that. His best friend has been keeping secrets from him for years and Mikey is going to be annoyed when Leo makes the right call? No. That’s not fair. “I can handle myself.”

“The last time you fought the Dragons you… died .” Leo’s voice falters under the weight of the words. Donnie thinks that if he speaks, it’d sound the same. “You are now banned from fighting them for the rest of eternity.”

“ The rest of eternity? ”

Sounds good to me. He doesn’t say that though. Instead he soothes his little brother like he’s not terrified out of his mind constantly these days, and locking him up forever sounds tempting the more he learns. The more I know. “Not the rest of eternity. Just… until we can confirm that you don’t think so lowly of yourself that you’d jump into danger without any sense of self preservation.”

Bewilderment crosses his younger brother’s face. “But–”

“Fighting now, talking later.” Raph ends it before Mikey can say something that only makes everyone more upset, and then he and Leo disappear over the ledge.

Now Donnie is stuck with the very hard task of keeping Mikey still. Keeping Mikey close. It’s easier said than done on a good day, and now with everything that’s been going on… Donnie can practically see the bright, neon sign over his brother sporting two flashy orange words: “Flight risk”.

Donatello didn’t know it was possible to be this scared just standing here and watching his brother. One wrong move, one second that he doesn’t pay attention… Mikey will be gone.

He’ll run, he’ll leave, leave me he’ll leave me and where will that leave Donnie? Where will that leave him when he loses Mikey again?

When my best friend in the entire world leaves me one more time?

This is not knowing things. He’s supposed to be able to do that. He’s supposed to be able to know this stuff so that he can plan accordingly. He’s supposed to know these things so he won’t be blindsided. He’s supposed to know so that he can be prepared.

He’s supposed to know everything about Mikey. What happened to that? What happened to telling each other everything? On some level, Donnie knows that no matter how much he hurts, no matter how much he wants to be angry, Mikey never intended any harm by the actions. He knows that shouldn’t make him angry. He knows that. But at the same time…

Heart over mind.

For everything, all he wants is for Mikey to be okay. The real okay. Not the one that he’s been apparently pretending to be.

The type of okay that lets him tell Donnie everything. Every single thing. Not part, not pieces. The unequivocal truth. The type of okay that isn’t filled with doubts and fears. The type of okay in which Mikey doesn’t look over the ledge of a building into danger with longing in his eyes.

That type of okay.

“Don’t even think about it, Mikey.” He warns, bō staff out and blocking his way before he can do anything reckless. Or… anything else reckless.

Mikey whines, gesturing down below. “But I was just gonna go for that one at the back. It’s so boring just sitting up here.” 

You aren’t just going for that one at the back though, are you Mikey? You say that, but then suddenly it’ll just be one more. Then another and another and another. You won’t stop, you’ll throw yourself into danger with no thought about your life. So no. I’ll take you being bored until the end of time if it means you don’t get hurt again. “Not my problem.”

“I’m gonna make it your problem, Dee.” He snaps, standing up fully. “You better watch out.”

He is watching. He has to be. He’s watching as Mikey prepares himself like he’s going to fight. With Donnie. How changed does their whole life have to be that Mikey is considering fighting Donnie, and Donnie is considering fighting back?

He’s watching as Mikey tilts his head in the other direction of the fight, watching him as he hears panicked yelling in the distance, watches him as his muscles grow taught like he’s preparing to run, watching him even as his heart sinks into his chest when Mikey’s face widens into something that he’s sure is supposed to be a grin and says: “You comin’, Dee?”

He’s watching as Mikey sprints away from him . Into danger.

Donnie follows him. He’s not sure he can do much more.

Chapter Text

Leo can tell something is wrong before he even realizes that something is wrong. At first, he wants to chalk up the whole thing to the anxiety he’s already feeling about letting Mikey out in the first place.

Honestly, he chalks most things up to anxiety and eldest brother stress. Granted most of that is warranted thank you very much, but sometimes it’s just… him. That being said, this? No. He’s right about this.

It’s the way that before he knows with absolute certainty something is wrong, he just… knows in his gut it’s all about to go wrong – and that gut feeling? It’s always right.

So okay, look. Leo is allowed to be stressed about this situation and pretty much every situation that has happened in the past week. He’s absolutely, one-hundred percent allowed with every fiber of his being because he’s the oldest and he said so and dad’s not home so he’s in charge which means what he says goes–

He’s allowed to be worried is what he’s saying.

After all of this, he has more right to worry than anyone. More right to be stressed and upset and anxiety-ridden than pretty much the entire rest of the universe. He’d even argue more than Raph and Don. Not that he’s saying they don’t deserve to be very stressed about this all. They’ve earned that right easily. It’s just that as the oldest brother… there’s a certain… he’s supposed to take care of his little brothers.

Mikey dying is under no circumstances taking care of him. Mikey being able to rise from the dead and not worrying about it is not taking care of him. Mikey knowing that he can die and live after having four previous experiences with the matter is not doing his brotherly job of taking care of Mikey. As a matter of fact, Leonardo would say it’s the exact opposite.

So yes, he’s claiming it. He’s claiming the number one spot in the worry category for the foreseeable future. That’s just how it is and that can’t be changed.

He understands Raph and Donnie have their own reasons to worry that are large and expansive and fill up every thought in their head. But none of it can compare to Leo’s, because no one can worry about their younger siblings more than Leo can worry about his.

Raph has the right to worry. Has the right to be upset and scared, because he’s protective in the most amazing and caring ways of his family, but he feels he didn’t protect Mikey here, and that strikes right at his core. He has a right to be upset, because Mikey died when it was just the two of them once, even if it was an accident and even if Mikey is alive again. That’s all the cause to be stressed, worried, and all the other things in-between.

Donnie has the right to worry. He has the right to feel hurt and pain because Donnie and Mikey tell each other everything, and Mikey didn’t tell Donnie this. He has the right to watch Mikey like any moment he might break, might disappear in front of their eyes, because if this past week has proved anything, it’s proved that nothing is permanent. He has the right, because his little brother is a fixer and a helper and he couldn’t have done either of those things because he didn’t know.

Leo knows all of this like he knows how to breathe, because Leo knows his brothers almost as much as he knows how to live.

So no, he’s not taking away Don and Raph’s rights to feel all the same ugly feelings that Leo does about the situation. As a matter of fact, Leo’s pretty sure this is the only and proper reaction, no matter how much some might insist otherwise. They… just will never feel as much as he does about all of this.

They will never be able to hurt as much as me. No one will be able to hurt as much as me about this.

No one.

In conclusion, when Leo first senses something is wrong it’s met with the immediate conclusion that everything is wrong, and the horrible, creeping feeling that the wrongness has suddenly increased is just from the idea that Mikey is not home safe right now and Leo doesn’t have his eyes on him. He trusts Donnie with watching Mikey completely, that’s not an issue. The issue is that Leo isn’t there. Like he apparently hasn’t been for so long.

Like when– The slam of a body against a brick wall snaps him back into the now.

Those Dragons are lucky that Leo is tired of death right now. They’re not so lucky that they came in the way of Leo and Raph.

…more so Raph it would seem.

When he looks up at the sound, a Dragon is falling forward from the wall his body just became acquainted with – only for his younger brother to grab him by his shoulders and do it again. When the man drops to his knees, Raph follows him with a kick.

It’s right about then that Leo realizes that Raph isn’t just going to take this Dragon down, but brutally beat him. At this rate, maybe more too. “I’m gonna kill you, ya hear?!” He screams, rearing his leg back to take another shot at the man’s guts.

Leo barely gets there in time, pulling him back with enough force to make both of them stumble. “Raphael! That’s enough!”

Raph jerks out of his hold almost as quickly as Leo had pulled him away, stalking back over towards the Dragon with a rage that is rare and scary in all the worst ways. He grabs the back of the man’s jacket in the blink of an eye, dragging him back towards the wall.

Leo swings around to come up beside Raph, and his brother stops for the briefest of moments. He brings his and the Dragon’s face closer together, one hand going down to his belt to grab his sai. “He deserves it. Ya deserve it, don’t ya?”

“Let him go.” His brother doesn’t break eye contact with the Dragon. Not that the man seems conscious enough to understand what’s happening. “Please Raph,” Leo lays a hand on his shoulder – comforting and firm all at once – and Raph’s grip loosens just a little, “No more.”

“He deserves it.” Raph repeats, something so very broken in his voice.

He probably does. “Please.”

Raph’s fist tightens again, then abruptly loosens. The Dragon falls– slams into the ground, and the whole alley goes silent. “He joked about it.” Raph just stares down, eyes trained on the mess of the man he made. Bruised, bloody, beaten. “He joked about what happened, Leo. He joked about Mikey.”

Oh. Leo grabs his brother’s arm lightly, using the other to lift his chin so he’ll look at Leo. A million words come to mind. Things he could say to make this better for him, makes this better for both of them. Only two make it to his mouth, though. “I’m sorry.”

He stares at Leo for another few seconds before his breath hitches and Leo takes no time in pulling Raph close to him. Sobs wrack Raph’s body and he curls up into Leo in a way that he hasn’t done since they were kids.

Leo and Raph are almost the same height, but Raph sinks into Leo like he’s significantly smaller than his older brother. “I’m so scared, Lee.” He hasn’t called me that since we were kids, either. “I’m so scared.”

Ignoring the tears in his own eyes, Leo pulls Raph in even closer. “Me too, otouto.”

It takes another few minutes for them to pull away from one another, for Raph’s cries to taper off and Leo’s eyes to go dry when Leo realizes that it is much too odd that he hasn’t heard from Donnie or Mikey yet. The fighting stopped, they’ve been sitting here and Raph has been sobbing. It’s not like they’ve exactly been quiet.

They haven’t been quiet, and if Mikey had heard them crying? He would’ve been down here and with them in a heartbeat, Donnie right behind. 

Which is why this is when Leo’s something is wrong feeling kicks up by about ten. He eyes the top of the building he left his two brothers on, and makes note how there is no sound coming from up there at all.

Raph follows his gaze, face carefully blank. Leo doesn’t bother to point out the faint tear tracks left on his mask.

Especially when he knows they’re on his too.

Raph fists tighten, knuckles almost white. “It’s too quiet.” When Leo hums in agreement, Raph moves towards the fire escape. “I’m gonna check on them.”

“We’ll both check on them.” Leo corrects, following after Raph.

Neither Donnie nor Mikey are anywhere in sight when they make it to the roof, and Leo’s heart drops. His stomach churns, Raph shouts, and Leo regrets just not listening to his gut and leaving Mikey home because now they’re gone and even if it’s together it’s not in his sight which is right where they should be.

Then Leo’s phone rings. Donnie’s name lights up on the screen, and it takes about a max of two seconds after he answers to yell at them. “Where the hell are you guys?!” Raph gives his similar sentiments, and Leo can’t even complain about the loud volume. He absolutely and utterly agrees.

There is a reason that Leo feels he has a right to be worried, and this is it. He has a right to be worried, more so when Donnie tells them to turn their comms on and asks the most confusing question he could, at the most inopportune time.

“Does Mikey annoy you?”

“…what?” Leo looks over at Raph. Raph looks over at Leo. Both of them look at the other in bewilderment. “Why would you–” He cuts himself off again. What is the point of this? What is the point of asking a frankly outrageous question when Donnie and Mikey disappeared on them and they know that’s at the top of their minds? “That isn’t… where are you?”

“A: What kinda dumbass question is that? And B: Why the fuck does that matter?” Exactly Raph. Exactly my point.

There’s silence over the comms for a minute, and then Donnie’s voice comes through. It’s slightly pleading and more than a little upset and a hundred different scenarios run through Leo’s head all at once, none of them good. “Just… just go with it Leo.” A pause. “Answer the question.”

Two things should be noted at this point: Donnie addressed Leo specifically even when he knows that Raph is sitting there and listening too – almost like he’s trying to curb what he already expects to be a bad reaction and the question itself implies something more is going on then Leo does not want going on.

 “Of… of course not . Did Mikey say that? Please tell me Mikey didn’t say that.” 

Please tell me Mikey didn’t say that about himself. Please tell me he didn’t, Donnie. I beg of you with every fiber of my being, don’t tell me what I think you’re telling me.

Raph takes a different road when answering the question. “What kinda annoy? Like annoy annoy or just annoy?” All he does when Leo asks him to stop is wave his hand and continue. “I’m just sayin’ that there’s two different kinds of annoy. There’s annoy annoy, which pisses me the fuck off, and then there’s annoy which is when one of the three of ya is bein’ annoyin’. There’s a fuckin’ difference. If ya really want ta know,” He glances back over at Leo, and the fear and love in his eyes is so utterly and achingly familiar, “Yer all fallin’ smack dab in the middle of annoy . Ain’t none of ya annoy annoy me, and if Mikey is sayin’ that about himself, tell him ta knock it off, ‘cause I don’t wanna hear it.”

Or alternately his way of saying This is stupid, I know what’s going on, and I don’t like what I’m hearing.

Leo just doesn’t get this all. He doesn’t get it. How someone as great and wonderful as his baby brother can harbor that much hate for himself and has been for an untold amount of years. “I mean he’s my baby brother,” he finds himself saying in a way that is so true, utterly fond, and absolutely certain, “ Of course he annoys me. It’s his job . But not in any way that would make me do anything but love him unconditionally.”

None of them could ever do anything that would make me love them in any other way. I thought that was obvious. Is it not?

Donnie lets out a heavy sigh. “He told me all he does is annoy us, and that helping people is one of the only things he’s good at. It’s just… it’s just not. He shouldn’t be thinking like that.” No, he really shouldn’t be thinking like that. Which is the overarching problem.

Mikey is thinking like that. It’s what is at the root of everything in these past few days. It’s what has motivated his baby brother into breaking himself down. Into locking away and shattering every part of what is supposed to make him… well him.

Now Leo has to agree that Mikey isn’t an annoyance like there was even a question to begin with. Leo has a right to worry. This is another reason why.

“Mikey? What do you think?”

“Mike is on the line?” Raph exclaims in surprise, and Leo follows right after. It makes sense now. Why Donnie was asking all those questions. It makes sense to Leo. It also hurts that Donnie felt the need to do it. It also hurts that Leo can’t look Mikey in the eyes and tell him so himself.

The voice that answers next is timid and small in all the ways Mikey isn’t supposed to be. “Oh.”

“I told you to listen in, Mikey.” Donnie replies gently. “What? Do you think that when I asked that question you’d get a different answer?” Well that’s easy, Leo can’t help but think, he absolutely did.

Mikey absolutely thought he was going to get a different answer, because he believes with all his heart that another answer is true and when Mikey believes, he believes. Without a shadow of a doubt. For the good and bad, it’s how Mikey is.

Leo would like to tell him all about how Mikey should believe what his brothers are saying, like he should’ve been doing all along. He’d really like that. Really like that. Except for the part where they ran off and didn’t tell Leo where they were going.

“Sorry Leo,” Mikey admits sheepishly, “That one was on me.”

Obviously. “I figured. Still doesn’t change the fact that we need to know where you are.” Then. Then instead of answering like Leo so wishes they’d do so they can find them and then end this disaster of a night, Mikey mentions three keywords that add a whole new bundle of nerves to the ones that Leo already has. “Did he just say…?” He looks at Raph, who looks back at him in a look of panic that Leo’s sure mirrors his own, “Did you just say burning building?”

“...yes.”

“ No way in hell are you– ” Raph snarls, understandably.

Before Leo can give his own similar sentiments though, Mikey’s determined voice pipes up in his ear. “Okay, cool. So we’re about to run into that.”

“ You’re what?! ” Donnie yelps.

“Hamato Michelangelo and Hamato Donatello. I would strongly advise you against this.” Don’t follow him into this Donnie. Don’t let him get hurt.

“Mikey’s running.” His younger brother’s voice shakes, before he sucks in a large breath. “I don’t approve of this! I really don’t! ”

“Don’t you dare –” Leo tries, Leo tries desperately, but he knows neither of them will stop.

“Sorry…kshhh…eo…kshhh…aking up…kshhh.” Mikey’s phone drops. Donnie’s phone drops. Leo takes off his comm. Raph takes off his comm. There’s a few beats of silence where they both don’t move.

Then it’s broken by both of them saying the same thing at the same time: “What the fuck.”

Leo knew it. He really, really has a right to be worried about this. He really does.

Chapter Text

Here’s the problem. Here’s the big, gigantic problem. You see, Donnie was already worried. Extremely worried. Could not express how much he was worried. Every thought was about how worried he was for his baby brother.

Thought after thought after thought after thought was about everything that has happened and how he doesn’t know. Know how to fix it. Know how to help. Know how to do the right things in the right order like he’s always known how to do before.

So to be honest he didn’t think there was any room to be more worried than he was. Didn’t think it was possible for his heart to beat any faster, for his breath to catch more than it already has.

Then Mikey runs towards a burning building.

Donatello’s capacity to be more anxious apparently hadn’t been reached yet. It certainly has now, though. “Mikey! Mikey stop, please!”

He keeps running. Running straight towards the flames, bright and burning and orange. Determined and all-consuming.

Mikey doesn’t stop. He doesn’t stop for pleading, for begging, for his brother. Mikey always used to stop for Donnie. To listen to what Donnie had to say, listen to what he thought– and would do the same for Mikey. He always has.

There is no stopping anymore. When did that change too? When did Donnie miss this?

The air is burning his lungs, the fire growing in size and intensity the closer they get and Mikey just runs faster. The glow washes over the both of them, encompassing him and his brother in its rage and heat.

Finally there is a stopping point– only a building away, only an alley away from the fire, as many more from Leo and Raph. Donnie desperately wishes his older brothers were here right now. He can usually logic his way out of most situations, finding something steady in facts, in figures and numbers. But right now there is no logic. And if Donnie doesn’t have logic then he has no anchor, drifting out at sea without direction. He needs something steady and sure, and his biggest anchor has decided to break, snap in two, rushing away from him into a place Donnie is afraid he can’t follow. He needs his other brothers.

Donnie doesn’t feel lost often, but when he does… he wants Leo and Raph. He wants Mikey to stop running. He doesn’t want this.

His brother leans over the edge of the building, listening to the yelling down below, and his heart thuds in his chest for an entirely different reason. There’s something so utterly scary about Mikey standing so close to the precipice of death in two different ways when it’s become so clear to Donatello just how little his best friend cares about himself.

Body moving faster than it ever has before, he pulls his baby brother back and away from the ledge, his voice coming in a sharp, scared bark. “Mikey! What the hell are you doing?!” 

There’s a fleeting look of regret on Mikey’s face, something apologetic, before it closes back up on Donnie, turning into something more resolute. “There’s a little girl in there, Dee! She’s trapped and the firefighters can’t get to her, I heard!”  

Well hell. He sees the way this situation is playing out already. 

“This is exactly what we've been talking about!” Donnie’s grip tightens on Mikey, desperate to hang on to his baby brother. “This is why Leo wanted you to stay home! You’re putting yourself into dangerous situations that you don’t need to be in!”

Leo was right. Him and Raph knew their older brother was, and yet they’re here. They should've just stayed home. Even if Mikey hated being trapped. They should’ve kept him safe.

“You’re not gonna stop me from doing this, Dee!  You know how I feel about it! You know! I’m trying this whole communication thing, I really am I swear, but that means that you need to trust me when I say that I have to do this.” The fire grows in size behind Mikey, casting odd shadows on his brother’s face. “Are you really gonna let a little girl die because I’m having a few issues, dude?”

Oh Mikey. What are you doing to yourself? To us?

He can’t. His brother can’t keep doing this. It has to stop. He tells his brother so. “It’s not healthy, Mikey!”

“ I know!” Mikey snaps. Donnie is not sure if he believes the words or not. Like maybe Mikey is trying to convince himself so he can convince Donnie. “I know . But it doesn’t change the fact that this thing I have lets me help people.”

You’ve never needed powers to help people, Mikey.

Never.

A second later, when Donnie is about to tell him that too, Mikey pulls away and dives straight into the burning building. Without hesitation.

He yells after his brother, but Michelangelo has already disappeared into the flames. So he does that only thing he can do: jumps in after him.

Unfortunately, he’s no stranger to burning things. Hazard of the job, he supposes. But going into the mouth of a building infested with fire and heat is a whole new and different story. It’s scorching inside, embers flowing freely through the air, ash starting to stick to him as he sweats.

A thousand facts about fire come to his mind– and with each one comes a new problem that stabs at Donnie’s whole being. So many things can go wrong here in just a few seconds, from the slightest shift in weight to the cracking of a single piece of wood in one specific place.

There is no way any of this plays out well.

Mikey is ahead of him, running in and out of apartments at a speed that has always impressed Donnie, while he trails behind. It’s so hard, because he’s looking into apartments on the other side of the hallway too, but that means he can’t see Mikey the entire time like he’s supposed to.

Suddenly his brother is calling up ahead, and he hightails it out of the apartment he was currently searching through, watching Mikey disappear into another apartment up ahead. “Donnie! In here!”

“Wait, Mikey!” He tries, but it falls on empty ears. 

When he gets to the door he sees Mikey on the other side of an apartment, picking up a little girl. There’s a sizable hole in the floor that reaches to at least two floors below, and the fire consumes the walls like it’s meant to be there.

“–cool!” He hears his brother say over the roaring flames, watching as he talks to the child. She’s looking up at him with wide and curious eyes, teddy bear dangling from her hand. She latches onto Mikey though, seemingly comforted by his baby brother’s bright smile.

It’s always had a good habit of doing that to people.

Within another moment he’s back by Donnie’s side, once again racing out and through the hallway. The wood underneath them creaks and groans as they move, and he eyes it warily. This building doesn’t have long left. They need to get out of here now.

“You’re a turtle too!” The girl suddenly says, pointing at Donnie.

“I’m a turtle too.” He agrees, gaining speed, “I know you’re scared, but I need you to be brave just a little longer, okay?” She nods, turning back into Mikey. His brother in turns holds onto her just a little bit tighter.

Then the ceiling does something that it’s not meant to do. Donnie’s breath hitches.

“Donnie!” Is all the warning he gets before Mikey has passed the kid off to him, shoving both of them towards the open window. “Move!” At the same time, the ceiling collapses above them. Donnie leaps through the window, Mikey rolling back deeper into the burning building.

The roll doesn’t save his orange-banded brother though, because the ceiling not only collapses, but it shatters the floor beneath it. Right where Mikey is. “Mikey!” He screams, and the girl in his arms shakes, sniffling.

“I’m fine!” He calls from down below, “Get the girl outta here, Dee! I’ll be okay!”

Yeah, you saying that hasn’t given me much confidence lately. But unfortunately he doesn’t have any choice, and his little brother looks to be moving, so with one last look he makes it the last few steps and out of the building.

He hops towards the fire escape across the street, shushing the girl as she starts to cry. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” He soothes. Donnie isn’t sure who he’s talking to.

When he gets to the ground, he slinks around the alleyway, trying to stay in the shadows the fire casts off. “I wanna go.” The girl tells him as he sets her on the ground.

“Do you see your mom and dad?”

She steps out of the shadows, looking towards the front of the building. She scans the faces in the crowd, before seemingly landing on the ones she’s looking for. “Right there!” She points to a couple at the front of the crowd, before looking back at Donnie for confirmation. “Can I go now?”

He nods, and that’s all the child needs before she’s running off and away to her parents. As soon as she’s safely within their arms, he makes his way farther down the alley, hopping back up onto the adjacent fire escape to the burning building.

Above him, he suddenly hears the voices of his older brothers, calling his and Mikey’s names. Donnie moves faster. The sooner he’s reunited with them the sooner he’s reunited with Mikey.

As Donnie pulls himself up on the roof, he’s met with two relieved faces, Raph pulling him that last foot up and hugging him close. Leo looks behind Donnie though, looking for someone that isn’t coming. “Where’s Mikey?”

Turning away from the hug, he looks once again toward the burning building. “ …we got– we were separated. The ceiling collapsed and he shoved the girl into my arms and– and he fell but I had the kid I couldn’t help and–”

Leo is already pulling out his phone though, turning his comm back on. They surround him, desperate to hear their baby brother. “Mikey.” Nothing. “Mikey, you there?” More silence. Beside him, Raph tenses. “Mik–”

“Hey. I’m here.”

“Oh thank the gods, Mikey. You weren’t responding. We thought… we thought that you might’ve–”

There’s something to be said there in those few moments. In the moments since Donnie lost Mikey, since he got the girl to safety and pulled himself up here, since he told his brothers he’d lost their baby brother, since they called him.

There’s something to be said that the first thought they all had was oh gods he died again. None of them said it, not until now, but he knows with certainty that was the conclusion they all came to. And how can that be possible? How was that Donnie’s first thought, deep down? How was it Leo’s? How was it Raph’s?

“Nah, Lee. Only thing I’m walking away with is a few burns and a broken ankle, which majorly sucks, by the way.” 

Donnie… he relaxes a little at that. A broken ankle. Burns and a broken ankle. That’s good.

And how can he think that a broken ankle is good? Be relieved by that? How could Raph be so relieved? How could Leo? Leo is still pacing, and Raph is still cracking his limbs in nervous habit, and Donnie is still fidgeting, but the fact of the matter is that they all felt a little relief in the fact that he had only broken a bone.

Then Mikey speaks again. The lines crackle – probably a combination of a bad signal and the building coming down around him – yet his little brother’s voice is still clear when it comes through. “I told you guys, if I don’t try to die again, it’ll be three or four years before it happens next. I don’t know what it is, but these types of accidents don’t really kill me. Still very ow though.”

And Donnie’s whole world stops.

All of them, all three of them stop. Still.

Donatello’s mind… Donatello’s mind goes blank. Shuts down. Stops processing. All that plays is one single sentence on repeat. Again. Again. Again. One single sentence. One single sentence with all the wrong words.

“Uh… you guys there? Leo? Raph? Donnie?”

A million questions in his head that had all been funneled into one. What was he saying earlier? About worrying if Mikey already– no. But he couldn’t have. That one sentence. That one sentence. That one damn sentence. Those words. He said–

“Please answer me.”

Donnie startles, Mikey’s voice finally making it through. Leo sucks in a sharp breath that bursts through the air. “Mikey.”

“Donnie, what’s wrong?” Comes the panicked voice. It’s laced with confusion. He had to notice what he was saying. He had to, right? “Is everyone okay?”

“Mikey.” Donnie says again. His voice is slow, careful. This can’t be true. It can’t. He… Mikey can’t have. Donnie would’ve known if it was that bad, he would’ve stopped it. Mikey can’t. He just can’t. “What did… what did you mean when you said ‘if I don’t try to die again’? What did… what did you mean by that?!”

Please. Oh gods please no.

There’s a brief pause of silence that tells Donnie everything he needed to know. “Nothing.” Mikey chokes out into the air, in a lie that seems unbelievable even to himself. “It was– I don’t know why I said that. Nothing. Don’t–” Something shatters there, between them all. “Nothing nothing nothing I swear I can’t I don’t no no no no…”

Donatello didn’t think there was anything worse in the world than Mikey dying straight in front of him. Point blank.

He was wrong.

He was so very wrong.

Chapter Text

Raph will freely admit it: he ain’t the best with emotions. Never has been. Emotions are confusing, weird. Uncomfortable. He doesn’t get the appeal of them. Yeah, he knows he’s got them. But he doesn’t feel more than he needs to. Ever.

He’s not exactly jonesin’ to act out his feelings. He’s always been like that. Not anything wrong with it, no matter how many times he’s heard the term “emotionally stunted”. Stupid term, but the way.

He’ll just go about being him, and not deal with all those messy feelings. Doesn’t need them, doesn’t want them.

Life goes on perfectly fine like this, he’ll have everyone know. He’s fine with it, totally fine. Feeling so much just seems exhausting, ya know? No need to expend all the energy when he could be doin’ other things, like fighting, or fighting with Leo, or some shit like that. Those are the things he decides to focus on.

But then there’s his baby brother. If Raph tries to feel as little as possible, Mike tries to feel it all. Kid is like Central Station for emotional shit. Raph don’t understand it. How someone can feel so much and still function. Of course, it is Mikey, and Mikey defies all conceptions of “normal”, so that could be part of it.

Mikey can track other’s emotions and have his own big ones at the same time, much to what Raph thinks is possible. And yeah, maybe sometimes he’s a little jealous over how good the kid is with all that feeling stuff, but truth is most of the time he just doesn’t care.

Let Mike feel what he feels, and let Raph feel what he feels. Totally opposite ends of the feeling spectrum and he’s never cared much about it.

Turns out that apparently feeling too much ain’t good for you either, though. That doesn’t do ya any good. It does bad it seems. Makes ya hide and lie when feeling too much is feeling too much bad things, and makes you try to be something you’re not to protect your brothers who… say don’t feel as much as you.

See it really sucks too, because then Raph is feeling all kinds of emotions, and it’s been pretty overwhelming. 

(Spending your whole life trying to avoid those types of things isn’t really all that great when you suddenly feel them all.)

Raph figured out exactly how to feel all kinds of things a week ago, and he’s really not enjoying it. Really not enjoying watching his family feels these things too. Running away from the emotions doesn’t work – Mikey made sure of that – and beating up Dragons until Leo had to pull him away had about the same result, so he’s pretty trapped in a box of feeling everything and not being able to escape.

Then– then he finds he’s not just locked in a box with them. Raph is drowning in them. Suffocating under the weight of them. That’s the only way to describe what’s happening to him. The only thing that makes sense.

The only thing that makes sense when you’re standing on a rooftop next to a burning building your baby brother is in and can do nothing to help him and he says, point blank, that he’s tried to kill himself. Shot through the heart, and I’m to blame.

He’s never felt more in his life than he has at this very moment. Raphael has one job: to protect his family. Seems he’s doing a pretty shitty job of that, huh?

Above everything he has the urge to punch, to kick, to scream. Has the urge to… to… to cry. Raph never has the urge to fuckin’ cry. But how can he not? How can he not when he’s faced with this ugly truth?

Already this has happened once tonight, already has he broken down, and yet he wants to do it again, wants to do it so bad. His hands shake under the crushing weight of everything he feels, eyes watering at the very thought that Mikey–

Leo’s breath hitches, hand coming up to cover his mouth. Donnie hugs himself, staring at the ground. Raph? Raph looks at them, looks across the blazing fire, feels all he feels pent up inside him, ready to burst, and he runs.

There’s– he can’t leave Mikey alone for any longer. Can’t leave him like that, in the wake of what’s happened, in the wake of his misery and self-loathing. Raph can never leave Mikey again.

Soon Leo and Don’s footsteps are behind him, slamming across the rooftops as they pick up speed, as they make their way around, rooftop after rooftop, right towards their baby brother. Right towards the proof that Raph didn’t do his job.

Mikey is sitting on the roof when they get there– curled up into the smallest ball he can be, muttering to himself and hyperventilating at speed he didn’t know possible at the same time. It’s only two words, stilted and dragged out over and over and over again, setting his teeth on edge, sparking his own anxiety, making him want to blow.

“–nononono please no please–”

“Mikey.” Donnie drops down beside Mikey, urging him to uncurl. He’s going into doctor mode, shutting down. Raph doesn’t blame him. “Let me look at your ankle. Then we can… we can get you home.” The words still stutter. He’s broken, just like Raph. Just like Leo. Just– just like Mikey.

As Don goes about, wrapping Mikey’s ankle the best he can, Leo crouches down on his other side, unsure how to help. Lost. “It’s– well. No. It’s–” His hand is reaching towards Mikey but stops, aborting the action halfway, like touching Mikey will break him apart further. “We’ve got you, otouto. We’ve got you.”

Raph starts pacing. Moving. He needs to move. All these emotions, all these feelings are built up inside him, and he’s a dam ready to burst. He needs to move, needs to push his feet back-and-forth, needs to keep Mikey in sight.

His baby brother gasps as Donnie finishes wrapping his foot, eyes wide, tears streaming down his face. “I’m sorry I’m–” He begins, apology falling off his lips like it was made to be there.

“Mike.” He stops, words clipped, sharp. “Stop that. Now.” He’s not hearing it, he can’t hear. Can’t hear Mikey apologize for everything one more fuckin’ time.

Don stands and gives Raph a look. He’s the only one strong enough to carry Mikey all the way home without issue, and they all know it. He wastes no time, picking his brother up and putting him on his back. Mikey hisses at the movement, obviously in pain, and it makes Raph feel even more because Mike has obviously been in pain for a long fuckin’ time, in much deeper pain than a broken fuckin’ ankle.

“Rest.” His purple-banded brother tells the youngest, hand gentle as he wipes away some of Mikey’s tears, “We’ll talk later.”

Then Raph is moving again, taking him and Mikey down the fire escape slowly but steadily, never stopping, but never moving too fast either.

When they get to the entrance of the sewer Mikey is passed down and through from Leo back to Raph, and once they’re back in the relative safety of the sewers Raph takes over again, this time clutching Mikey close to his chest, unwilling to let him leave Raph’s field of vision.

The pleading has died down into nothing, the crying gone silent as Mikey curls up into Raph, a far cry to the brother Raph knows and loves so much.

Whatever has stopped him from making sound scares Raph more than he can say. He knows what it is, knows that whatever is happening now is all in Mikey’s mind, which is about the worst place the kid can be.

Raph can’t bring himself to talk.

Leo is crying beside him, head hanging in defeat. He’s devastated in a way Raph ain’t ever seen him, yet in a way he feels intimately. It’s the defeat of not doing enough, of not being better, of not protecting Mikey more. It’s the weight of a lot of fuckin’ things all at once.

So many of them. Don has shut down too, refusing to look anywhere but at the sewer ahead of them, expression blank. The gears are turning in his mind, processing things at a speed that Raph himself will never be able to understand. His younger brother is looking and categorizing all the evidence in his mind as they make their way home. All of it.

He hates the way he can see Leo and Don hurt. See the way they’ve broken down in front of him again and he’s been able to do nothing to stop it. Hates how he’s the same. Hates how Mikey has been for a long time. 

Raph just… Raph just hates this. Hates it so much. Hates it all.

There’s nothing but bitter silence. Cold and yawning and swallowing them alive, as the only thing Raph can think is Mikey tried to kill himself.

Gripping Mikey tighter, he sucks in a breath. Or maybe he didn’t just try. Maybe he fuckin’ succeeded. Oh, he hates that thought much more.

But they knew the kid was hidin’ something. They knew. He guess he just never thought it’d be this. Never thought it’d be something as horrifying as this. Never thought… well. Raph never thought about a lot of things. That was his mistake.

Below him Mikey sucks in a sharp breath, curling into Raph even more than he already was. Raph’s eyes flash down to him in panic, gripping onto his baby brother tighter. His eyes are squeezed shut, pain and utter upset in every line of his face. Raph almost cries at the sight of it. Almost breaks down right then and there.

I really fuckin’ hate emotions.

Donnie’s jaw locks up beside him, steps uneven, surprised at the sound. Leo is the same, eyes trained down, muscles taught. They carry on. The sound was more than enough for them right now.

Usually at this point someone would comfort Mikey. Leo would tell him it’s okay, or Donnie would tell him not to worry, he’ll get him all patched up, or Raph would give him a playful shove and crack a joke that’d make Mikey smile.

No one smiles now. No one looks at each other. No one does anything but move and stew in their own pain and sadness. It really pisses Raph off. He doesn’t say anything about it.

Soon enough Mikey’s breathing evens out some, asleep. He’s afraid for a brief moment that maybe Mikey passed out, maybe this was something way worse than they thought. But Raph does know some things. And he knows the kid is tired, and he’s in the pain, and he just exhausted himself from a pretty damn bad panic attack that could rival Leo’s worst, and thought way too much if he knows anything (which he’s really starting to question if he does), so logically the kid probably just tired himself out.

“He fell asleep.” He whispers out between them, too afraid to say anything louder.

Donnie crosses in front of Leo to get over to his and Mikey’s side, giving him another once over as they continue to walk. “Tired himself out, most likely.”

“I think he did that a long time ago.” Leo’s hand touches Mikey’s shoulder for the briefest of seconds before pulling back.

“Yeah.” Raph doesn’t let up his grip for even a second.

Soon after Mikey they get home– the usually comforting place now sullen and dull. This has happened twice now. It’s two times too many.

For a brief moment Raph wishes they all shared a room like they used to when they were kids. He could keep a watch on his brothers all the time. Secrets were so little. Then they got their own rooms, and Raph loves the space, having his own room to himself, sure. They all do. But now Raph’s afraid of how many nights Mikey spent up in his room, lying to himself and telling himself all kinds of horrible things, that damn heartbreaking look on his face, and none of them saw it and were able to help him.

He used to be able to do that. Used to be able to see when one of them was hurting and not… comfort them but at least distract them. All Mikey has done these past few years is smile and now he knows why. He should’ve been in Mikey’s room more. Spent more time with him. Done anything but let his baby brother lay there and have his head convince him he’s worth nothing.

More. He should’ve done more. Been more. Done all the emotional shit better. Let Mikey think he could come to him with anything and Raph would listen. But no, that’d be too hard for him to do. Now look where they are.

Trailing into the lab behind Donnie, Mikey still snuggled up to him in Raph’s arms, the kid starts to stir slightly. “Lay him down over there.” His purple-banded brother points to the medical cot, although Raph was already on his way over. “Then leave. Both of you.”

“But–” Leo starts, hovering in the doorway, unsure of what to do.

“I don’t care what you do. Go to bed, go punch something, meditate, whatever. But leave.” Raph lays Mikey down on the cot, being as careful as he can not to jostle him too much. “I need to…” He trails off, before giving them both a pleading look. “I need space. To– to examine him. Make sure he’s okay.”

Leo goes to open his mouth again, but Raph grabs him gently, tugging him out of the lab. “C’mon Leo. Leave Don alone.” His mouth clicks shut, and then he follows after Raph, closing the door to the lab as he leaves.

Raph already knows what’s coming after this. Can see it clear as day. They make it about twenty feet from the lab when Leo’s breath starts picking up, hands starting to shake. Raph guides him the rest of the way to the couch, sitting him down before he falls down.

To be honest, Raph is surprised Leo made it this long. He’d seen it building up, ready to burst over in his older brother. Leo had barely been keeping it together the entire way home.

I barely have too.

He can’t stop shaking, arms wrapping around himself. Raph still ain’t good with emotions and has never wanted to be. But when he needs to he can try. This is a very good time for him to try. “He– Raph. Oh my gods, he– Mikey– how are we supposed to help? How am I supposed to help? I failed him I let him down he was hurting and– and oh gods Raph what do we do how do we help this– what– I don’t–”

Leo’s legs bounces up and down, breathing becoming even faster. He’s curling in on himself, eyes wide, tears streaming down his face. He hates seeing Leo so vulnerable like this. It hurts to see him break down. Hurts him so fuckin’ much.

All the things he’s learned about how to help come to the forefront of his mind, even if he feels like he’s never done a great job of them. “Leo, it’s okay.” It’s not, but that’s what you say… right? “It’s going to be okay.”

“It’s not okay,” Leo snaps, “It’s not fucking okay.”

Okay, switching tactics. “Sorry. I know it ain’t Leo, I know. Nothin’ about this is okay. But I need you to breathe for me, yeah?” He swallows, crouching down until he’s eye level with Leo. “We can’t make it okay if you’re not breathing, bro.”

“I didn’t know! How did I not know? How did I not see? My baby brother… how? I’m supposed– no he’s not– oh Mikey and I just– oh gods…”

“Breathe Leo.” He mimes breathing, slow deep breaths. “In and out. Don’t– don’t do this to yourself.” Don’t fall apart too. I need you, Lee. He pushes Leo up so he’s not hunched over, resting a hand on his leg. Something heavy, solid.

It takes a few more minutes, a few more painful minutes, but eventually he gets Leo to calm back down, gets him to fully unfurl and look at him through wide, wet eyes. It breaks his heart a little more.

Today has really turned into one of the worst fuckin’ days of Raph’s life. He thought nothing could be topped when… when. But he was absolutely wrong, and the more he looks at Leo, the more he thinks about Mikey, about Donnie, about his whole damn family, the more he decides that he– he has the possibility for more of these days, these despicable days, and all of them soon.

Leo looks at him, and Raph wavers under it. Wavers under devastation painted there. Raph is two seconds away from being like Leo, and he doesn’t know how to stop it.

“Raph,” Leo says, lip wobbling, “What are we going to do?”

And he doesn’t know how to respond to that. He’s not prepared. When they’re scared it’s always Leo they’re coming to, asking what to do. People don’t ask Raph.

He’s not good at these things, they all know it. Except now Leo is asking him with that desperate look on his face, pained. Looking for an answer. Raphael… he doesn’t have an answer. “I don’t know, Leo.” He tells him honestly, “I don’t know.”