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i carry my mother's ring, father's jacket, my own blade and my little brother's blood.
jealousy, they say. when they watch how i lovingly crack open my brother's skull and wash my hands with the blood. how do you kill someone? you love them. but here is the thing, the truth. cain, i and all the older ones will always be murderers and wanderers. murderers of hopes, dreams and expectations; wandering homeless, adrift with no relief, not even death. abel, my brother and all the young ones will always be martyrs. they fullfil the sacrifice that didn't kill us. god's chosen one, my little brother— it's not a state worth gloating. god's chosen ones never feel joy, they go raving mad or they die heroically but what's the difference between dying at my hands and dying like a hero? there's no love in war. there's no love in god, only wrath.
so, i see god choose you and i think, this is the only way for us to be who we are. the stone in my hand is a blessing. the stone is a foundation for all eternity of love. they will sacrifice me for you, you will never be more than a replacement to them. to me, you are one and only. so i will watch you grow, maybe even raise you then i will be the one to kill you and lay you softly in your grave, a reminder of the cradle i watched you in. i will hear your various vitriol-filled words and i will swallow the poison like it's ambrosia. it's who we are: murderer and martyr. both sacrifices.
you will be the one with blood on your hands because i'm a coward. i will fail, over and over again even when i want to be chosen so you don't have to be. i will think, he is only a child even when you're not. i will grow crops until my callouses bleed but god will choose you, i will weep. not because i want god's conditional-benevolence, god's ego-love, the fear that breeds worship. i will weep because you're only a child. there is mercy in my murderous hands but god doesn't love you.
so i carry my blade, your blood and the weight of the world. i say, 'sleep well, little brother.' i gave you the burden to carry and i will take it off of you.