Chapter Text
Once you lose a part of yourself, it’s really hard to get it back. Yoo Sangah knew this the best as she frantically ran and ran to reach Kim Dokja’s hospital room where they all hoped he would open his eyes, avatar or not. Most Ancient Dream or not. Real or not, they just wanted some part of Dokja back. And so they ran.
But she knew it was impossible, gathering thousands of scattered pieces, building him back as if he’s just a puzzle to be fixed. Dokja was a real person and he knew what he was and what he wanted to do. He knew that it had to be done when he made an avatar. After all, for all this while, didn’t they all follow him because he knew. And therefore, what right did they have to change his plans? This all Sangah was aware of. And so did Sooyoung. And maybe so did Yoo Joonghyuk. Yet, yet, they both acted so stubborn when it came to him.
Perhaps Kim Dokja wanted to be saved, perhaps he only wanted to read on and on and on. There’s no real answer, just like how there is never a happy ending. Only an ending that could just be was what Sangah believed in, and that’s what she was trying to achieve. All stories come to an end and yet people keep living, trying to just exist and not find an ending. Why can’t they just all keep flowing, and breaking, and healing and crying and still be.
Of course Kim Dokja wasn’t there in the room. Of course, there was no other way, but to ‘be’ without him.
—
The house that they bought with Kim Dokja in mind was silent with everyone either sleeping or crying in their rooms. They didn’t know what to do because they had nothing to mourn - Dokja just wasn’t there. No body, no soul, no fragments. They opened the hospital door and found nothing. The bed was perfectly made as if he never slept there. The papers on the table, that they all worked on, sat in the middle with some pages flying about. Lee Gilyeong thought his hyung was playing a prank on them and checked under the bed. Shin Yoosung asked if ahjussi teleported into their house instead because that’s where he first fell unconscious. The elders didn’t say anything. They knew their last hope was finally lost. And there was nothing else to do.
—
Sangah and Sooyoung had to share rooms. They wordlessly accepted each other’s presence and took to their own beds on opposite sides of the room. After coming back from the hospital, Sooyoung didn’t say anything for a person who couldn’t stop talking an hour ago, and went under her blankets only to wake up to drink some water and eat wafers. Joonghyuk’s absence was poignant, there was no one to cook or follow orders from. He ran outside after seeing the empty bed and never came back.
Sangah hoped that he would know how to cope, how to mourn, how to move on given that he’s been doing it for his companions for all these years. The next day she had heard the news that the scenarios had begun again - in Old Seoul, the place where people would say their nightmares began, no one except them knew that it was a lonely boy’s dream that began, only to never end. Joonghyuk probably went there because he had nowhere else to go while everyone else stayed back in New Seoul, where people led normal lives.
What Sangah didn’t know was how to deal with Sooyoung, she could only bring herself to sit and stare at the sleeping figure. Joonghyuk had his scenarios, but what did Sooyoung have? The age old question of what becomes of an author if they didn’t have a reader came back to her. She felt ice in her heart, she didn’t know what to do. She thought about the phrase ‘death of the author’ and wondered how many times Sooyoung had to die. If she continues to write, without her dokja, will she accept Sangah as her reader? She still didn’t know much about webnovels or isekai, reading Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint felt like reading their autobiography and therefore she didn’t know if she was the right person to read Sooyoung’s books. Maybe she’ll try it.
Sooyoung stirred in her sleep, muttering something inaudible. The last wafer she had was 12 hours ago and there was nothing else at home. She didn’t know how the others were doing. She could trust Heewon and Hyunsung to take care of the kids. The last she saw of Jihye was when she was with Jang Hayoung, them holding each other up. She didn’t have the mental capacity to worry about others. While Sangah might not be grieving like Sooyoung was, she found herself incapable of doing anything productive or helpful. It was then that she decided that she will take care of Sooyoung in whatever way she can, at least. They might not be the best of friends but it was very evident how much she had meant to Dokja. He would have wanted her to do it.
“Sooyoung-ah”, she called out softly and went unheard. She walked up to the other side of the room and shook her shoulder slightly. “Hey, Sooyoung-ah”. There was more stirring and yawning coming from under the blanket. She stood for a few minutes and then pulled the blanket off her.
“Oi, Yoo Sangah! What do you think you’re doing?” She yelled and struggled with the covers, and Sangah thought for a moment that bringing back the original Sooyoung might be easier after all.
“Get up and let’s go get something to eat.”
“If you’re hungry just go get something yourself, don’t drag me into this!”
“I want some company, come on. Let’s please go eat.”
When she didn’t get any response from her, Sangah started to worry. Silences were never really Sooyoung’s thing.
She reached down and took her hands, “Sooyoung-ah, you really want to act like Dokja-ssi? Ignoring your health and skipping meals?”
She pulled back her hands and didn’t answer her. Instead she said, “Where is Yoo Joonghyuk?”
Not the sunfish bastard, not that guy, but Yoo Joonghyuk. “He went to Old Seoul to continue with the scenarios.”
“Did he go all by himself?” She asked, looking ready to follow him there right this second.
“I think Gong Pildu has also gone with him. Biyoo is also there. But I won’t let you go there.”
Her eyes narrowed down and looked accusingly at her. No matter what, Sangah wasn’t going to relent. Joonghyuk might know how to live by continuing the scenarios but she believed Sooyoung wasn’t like that. Sooyoung-ah is a writer and hence she could continue to write, she didn’t need to fight anymore.
“I think what Dokja-ssi would want-”
“I don’t care what he wants.”
“Of course, isn’t that why we are here right now?”
Perhaps that was a harsh thing to say at this moment but Sooyoung needs to be confronted by the hard truth over and over again. At least for a while, she needs to be led away from her words. Everybody needs a break from what they do. Writers go on hiatuses and she definitely needed one right now.
And still, Sooyoung doesn’t look as mad as she hoped she would be. Instead, she looks even sadder. That was definitely the wrong thing to say. Sangah grabs her hands again and pulls her up this time.
“If you hate our current situation so much, why don’t you go somewhere else?” Sooyoung asks her. It’s not like she hasn’t thought about it before. She thought of looking for a job, preferably not a gaming company this time, moving out and living by herself just like how it was before. But before, Sooyoung wasn’t in her life and now she was, which made all the difference.
“Do you want to change up before going out or are you coming like this?” she asked back instead.
“Okay, let’s go. And don’t bring up his name again. Both of them.”
Sangah went and picked up her wallet, relieved that she listened to her. It would be hard for them to converse without bringing up Dokja and Joonghyuk, they don’t know a life without them but they could build one if they wanted to. Right?
And so they stepped out of their rooms after who knows how many hours with Sooyoung in her jeans and sweater, her hair uncombed and Sangah looking like an overworked employee who hasn’t had a good night’s sleep. In the living room, they met Jihye and Hayoung watching something on TV. Jihye looked uninterested and bored while Hayoung kept glancing between her and the TV. They’ve never spoken to each other much before and naturally would be awkward, but they were still sitting together.
At the sound of their footsteps, they looked up.
“Hey! Han Sooyoung! What’s the next plan?” Jihye jumps and comes up to them.
“Next plan…..” Sooyoung begins and starts murmuring to herself. Before she starts overthinking about ways in which they could bring Dokja back all over again, Sangah interrupts them.
“Next plan is to enroll you and the kids in a school. So get ready to go shopping for supplies soon.”
“What? But what about Ahjussi?”
“He was gone for his own good, but we tried to go against his wishes and brought him back, and now he’s really gone for good. So don’t fret about him anymore. You think if he were watching, you would want to act like this?”
“What would Ahjussi want then? Even Master is gone…”
“Both him and Dokja-ssi would want you all to go to school and make more friends. And maybe tell everyone about the story we made.”
At this Sooyoung perks up and starts talking fast. “That’s what we should do! Write more stories about Kim Dokja and his company. We just left the manuscript there when we should have continued writing again and again-”
Sangah grabs her hand and walks out of the house with Sooyoung’s low protest following behind. Writing more of that story is the last thing she should be doing right now.
“Listen to me a bit, Sooyoung-ah. I know I said I would not talk about him but I need to tell you this and you need to believe in me, just this one time. Dokja-ssi is not going to come back, of course he will always exist with us and in our stories, but he never dreamt of himself with us. If Dokja-ssi wanted to be with us right now, he wouldn’t have sacrificed himself over and over again. So, I hope you can accept that fact and stop trying to get him back.” To be honest, these excuses were the only ones that Sangah could come up with. Even she wanted Dokja back. But it was easier to make excuses than face reality.
She knew this wouldn’t fully convince Sooyoung but she had to try. Sooyoung didn’t say anything but kept her head down and looked even more miserable than before. It was time to change tactics, Sangah decided. She pulled her again, this time by the elbow, and dragged her out of their neighborhood.
—
“What do you want to eat?”
Sangah sat opposite Sooyoung inside a cafe and looked through the menu. She didn’t have the appetite to eat anything but had to make Sooyoung eat something other than wafers.
“I’ll get some egg sandwiches, have you decided anything Sooyoung-ah?”
“I’ll also take the same.”
After giving their order to the waitress, they sat in weird silence which felt uncomfortable at first since they have never done this before but at the same time, it didn’t feel awkward either. Nobody broke their silence until the food came in, Sooyoung kept checking her phone which Sangah noted that she had to stop someway, and they dug in.
“Don’t you think we should hire a cook for a while? We can’t eat outside everyday.”
“Yeah, we should.”
“It would have been helpful if Joonghyuk-ssi were here.” she let out a small laugh at which Sooyoung scowled. Alright, no mentioning him either. As much as the reader, the protagonist was also very important to the author. Sangah would never understand it fully what to be the each of them so she could only do what was asked of her.
“We can enroll the kids in after summer, let them take their time in adjusting.”
“Mhmm.”
“I wonder what Heewon-ssi and Hyunsung-ssi are going to do…”
“What about you?”
“I… uh” she hadn’t expected Sooyoung to ask any questions.
“I haven’t decided. We don’t urgently need a job anyways, some of the coins we have saved up and the favor from the government for reaching the end will help us keep afloat for a few months at least.”
Sooyoung hummed at that. Sangah couldn’t make out what her reaction meant. What would she do? What should she be doing?
She enquired with the cafe owner about cooks while paying the bill and hired one from their team for a month. By then surely they could hold up by themselves. She needed to ask Breaking Sword Saint Master-nim on how Joonghyuk learnt his cooking and learn it herself.
—
Back in the house, Sooyoung goes back under her blanket again and Sangah sets out to check the condition of others. She found Heewon and Hyunsung eating the sandwiches they brought back in the dining hall. Jihye and Hayoung were nowhere to be seen and the kids were still sleeping.
“Thank you Sangah-ssi, I forgot about humans having to eat.” she said and laughed lightly.
“Heewon-ssi needed the rest so I hope you remember from now on.”
“How is Sooyoungie doing?”
“I don’t know… she asked me not to talk about him.”
“Is Yoo Joonghyuk-ssi really gone?” Hyunsung asked.
“I think it suits him. Don’t you think?”
“Now that his regression stigma is not there.. I’m a bit scared about him. I hope Biyoo is also with him, she must be so busy with all the new scenarios and adjusting to the system.”
“He’s lived for a thousand years, I trust him to do what is best.”
“You’re right Sangah-ssi. How are you doing, though?”
“I think I am fine, Dokja-ssi has done this so many times that I feel like he’ll be back in five years.”
“If we believe that he’s going to be back someday, then surely we can move on with our lives.”
Heewon and Hyunsung developed a determined look in their eyes and Sangah hoped it would not bring them more disappointment. Still it was difficult for her to utter the reality of their circumstances to them even if they secretly knew it. She was certain it would work for a while, hasn’t it always been like this in her own life before the scenarios? Hiding behind hope and working inside a delicate bubble?
She told them to think about their jobs and asked if they could take the responsibility of the kids.
“About that… are we going to stay in this house?”
“I don’t see why not since we have enough rooms and I hired a cook for one month.”
“Ah, so things are happening very fast, I see. I heard Aileen-ssi is starting a school next to Seolhwa-ssi’s hospital. Do you think we should enroll them there?”
“Oh! That seems like a good idea. You both will take care of it right?”
They both looked sheepish and embarrassed when they said yes to taking care of the kids. Hopefully, their feelings for each other won't die out soon. Sangah didn’t want to handle another divorce in the household.
—
She went to her room and sat down leaning against the wall. She would have to talk to Jihye and Hayoung later. It was an unusual pairing but she could definitely envision their bonding as that of two sisters. She could trust Hayoung to take care of Jihye well. Wiping her eyes, she began thinking more.
Now about herself, Sangah had no clue.
Should she try out teaching preschoolers? Sure she loved Gilyeong and Yoosung but she couldn’t imagine herself surrounded by many small kids. What about learning a professional course? She couldn’t muster up energy… Would a barista be fine? All her life everyone expected her to get a well paying and respectable job that at this point she had no idea of what she should be doing when there was no one to judge her. Did she enjoy talking to people about things other than work? Did she like doing physical labor? Would she be fine doing nothing? All she wanted right now was to escape… and for a moment she related to Kim Dokja more than ever.
Which led her to look at web novels on her phone.
… why did they all have such long names?
It was hard for her to choose what to read. The Imbecile Lord is Married to Five Beautiful Goddesses? She liked the main characters to be smart, not stupid. Strongest Mage with the Lust System? Um, maybe she could come back to that one later. As An Undead Wizard, I Summon SSS-level Undead Disaster hit a bit close to home. After scrolling for a bit, she ended up starting a romance called Perfect Secret Love: The Bad New Wife is A Little Sweet.
It was interesting, Sangah thought. No, that’s not the word, entertaining. The first chapter opened with a girl waking up horrified in the bed of an unruly (ex?) lover. There was something forbidden about the situation and their relationship that felt like she wasn’t supposed to read it. She felt like a Constellation enjoying the suffering of others. But the allure of it was unmistakable, she wanted to know what happened to the main character and so she read on.
She read on and on and on, completely immersed in the story of the two main leads and hooked on their dynamics. She read all day and forgot to have lunch. If not for Heewon calling her to eat some dinner, she would have sat and read all night. It weirded her out. She used to read before the scenarios started but after becoming associated with Kim Dokja, reading and writing had a whole new different meaning that was too complex to explain. She was scared of reading and what it would do to her. Maybe it was this addictiveness that is concerning. Sangah decided to regulate her reading from now on. She already accepted that she had taken a liking to romance novels after all.
“Hey, Sooyoung-ah! You slept for some 12 hours. What are you going to do in the night then?”
“Ugh, what now?”
“It’s dinner time.”
She pulls the other woman into the dining hall where everyone in the house had gathered. Sooyoung got a look at them for the first time and quite visibly shrunk into herself, everyone noticed of course but no one said anything. They eat the dinner bought by Hayoung and Jihye when they went out to check some new shops in the area.
“Ooh, what else did you guys find?” Heewon asked.
“Our neighborhood seemed to have almost everything. We visited Seolhwa noona’s hospital and met Aileen there! We also have bookshops, record stores and a restaurant too!”
“Aah, we’ll have to go there one day then!” Sangah told her. She was glad to see that Hayoung was adjusting well. She wondered if Jihye talks to her about what happened.
“Thank you for the meal Hayoung-ah, let us eat then.”
—
Sooyoung didn’t speak to anyone while eating and went back to their room quickly after finishing only half of the meal. Sangah felt helpless. She went back to reading more novels. After quite some time, she heard someone clear their throat.
“Hey, why have you been staring at your phone all day?”
“Do you think I’m texting someone, Sooyoung-ah?”
“N-no, t-that’s not what I meant. It’s just unusual so it’s natural for me to be worried on what you’re up to.” That was the longest sentence she had uttered after Kim Dokja’s disappearance that was not about Kim Dokja. Sangah didn’t want to end this conversation soon.
“Would you believe me if I told you that I’ve been reading web novels?”
Sooyoung’s eyes start to shake. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say. Sangah really needed to think twice before sharing anything. She followed up with, “Not the kind of ones that you write…uh.. I started reading romance novels.”
At this, her jaw fell open and Sangah felt a bit embarrassed to say it out loud. She didn’t know anyone who read this kind of stuff. Was it something to be embarrassed about?
“W-what?”
“Yes, there’s this one called Perfect Secret Love-”
“No! I don’t want to hear about it!”
“Okay then…”
She went back to reading and Sooyoung fell asleep. It was crazy how many hours this woman could sleep in a day.
—
The next day she found Sooyoung reading Perfect Secret Love: The Bad New Wife is A Little Sweet on her phone.