Archive of Our Own

Riki wasn’t always a boy.

Well no, technically he was but he wasn’t born biologically a boy.

Riki never felt right in the body he was born in early on. Every time he looked at himself, he never felt right. It took years of feeling like he was a stranger in his own skin and a long time of researching thanks to the internet and self-acceptance for Riki to finally come out.

He was transgender.

Nishimura Riki, at the age of twelve came out as transgender to his wonderful and understanding family. They were all so loving and accepting and all of it made Riki breakdown crying in the middle of the living room at the time as his sisters and mother wiped his tears and his dad gently rubbed his back.

So no, Riki wasn’t always biologically a boy, but he is a boy and he always has been.

Half a year after he came out to his parents and them looking high and low for doctors who would actually help Riki’s transition since being trans wasn’t really widely talked about nor accepted in Asia, they finally found one.

The man had been so helpful and only made Riki feel more accepted as he was and helped build up his self-confidence and acceptance. That day, Riki got his first shots of testosterone and started to fully transition.

The results weren’t instantaneous at all but as Riki went through puberty, they began to show more and more. His voice became deeper, his very lithe frame broadened out a bit but not by much as he was still quite skinny with very little muscle for a long time. Riki’s facial features became a little more masculine as he developed a sharp jaw and an Adam’s apple.

He really looked like how he felt inside, he didn’t feel like a stranger in his own skin anymore and Riki just felt so comfortable as he was now. One unfortunate thing is that Riki needed to wear a binder; he started developing pretty early and although they were very small and certainly weren’t that obvious at all, the fact was that they were still there.

The doctors said he couldn’t get top surgery until he was eighteen and that completely crushed Riki, especially when he would actually get to look at himself in the mirror in the bathroom and see that part of him still looked like what he didn’t want to be. Riki begged his parents and his doctors and the surgeons who they all consulted with but unfortunately he was met with the same response every time which was a no— mostly from the medical professionals.

His parents would have done anything to make Riki happy and comfortable but unfortunately every surgeon they spoke to always said the same thing and they didn’t want to risk operating on Riki until he was eighteen and mostly through puberty. So Riki wore a binder to hide one part of himself that he kind of hated.

When he got accepted into I-Land, he was overjoyed but quickly after panicked with the idea of anyone figuring him out. His doctor always told him that his menstrual cycles would stop after about a year long on testosterone and they did but Riki was warned that they could still come irregularly over the years.

That last part was what always haunted Riki and he feared waking up with blood soaked pants whilst on the survival show and everyone figuring him out. He packed pads that he kept tucked far away into his bag where no one else would ever see them and a litany of oversized shirts and hoodies.

Out of everyone on I-Land, Taki and Yudai were the only ones who knew that Riki was trans, Riki having told them before the show when they all got close and he trusted them enough to open up. They were accepting and so, so sweet to Riki and promised to keep his secret even though Riki always knew they would.

Regardless, Riki was still paranoid about everyone else because he knew that not everyone is like Yudai and Taki. Riki, foolishly enough in his paranoid state at the time, would overbind and sometimes wear his binder to sleep all because he was so afraid of anyone finding him out. In one episode, his back and chest had been in so much pain and Riki almost felt like he was suffocating as he practiced for their performance with the other contestants.

They had been practicing for their 'Dive Into You' stage and things were going pretty well. Jay was an amazing leader and took care of everyone on the team so well all the while pushing them to be their best. Riki really admired his Jay-hyung so early on— ever since their entry test and then working with him while they were in Ground. With Jay at the helm, Riki knew that they would do really well but Riki unfortunately wasn’t having the best time during practice.

His back and chest were killing him and everything felt way too tight whenever he moved but he knew he had to get through it. Riki knew how dangerous it was to keep on his binder for too long, especially while exercising so vigorously like through the honestly somewhat grueling dance practice.

They were doing the worm part in their choreography during the chorus but Riki’s exhausted and already in-pain body smacked chest first into the floor and Riki felt like the wind got completely knocked out of him as his stomach churned from how his binder seemed to dig into his skin. The feeling was sharp and stabbing and it made tears well in his eyes.

“Ni-ki-ah! Are you okay?” Jay immediately asked in concern as he rushed over to the boy.

Riki just loudly sniffled as he forced himself onto his feet, not wanting to cry in front of everyone and certainly not wanting to let them know the reason behind his tears. Riki sped out of the practice room, ignoring the way everyone called to him as he hurried into the bathroom.

Riki loudly gasped for air as he leaned over the toilet and threw up the little that he ate this morning as his binder pressed so tightly against him and he could hardly catch his breath. He knew that he should take it off, especially now but his hands were shaking too much to even try to undo the zip.

“Oh shit, Ni-ki…” Jay breathed out worriedly as he entered the bathroom, having followed the younger after he ran off.

He really built up a great bond with Riki and he adored the younger boy an almost inordinate amount. Jay knew that everyone in the group is tired after how hard they’ve been working but now he was even more worried that he pushed Riki into being physically ill as the boy hunched over the toilet and dry heaved over it.

“Let it out buddy, we’re here.” Jay stated, referring to himself and Taki as they moved over to the other Japanese boy.

They both crouched down beside the youngest among them and Jay rubbed his hand in soothing circles over Riki’s back, his brow furrowing slightly when he felt something under Riki’s hoodie. The material didn’t quite feel like a t-shirt at all and it was certainly smaller and seemed more fitted to Riki’s skin than any shirt would be. Jay could almost see the outline pressed against Riki’s hoodie and his eyes studied it. It looked like— no. There was no way it could be what he’s thinking.

It was Riki’s business anyway, he shouldn’t look so closely at something that doesn’t concern him.

Riki felt how Jay’s hand briefly stilled on his back, right on his binder and his skin went rigid. Jay was far too observant for his own good and he knew that if anyone could figure him out then it would be the half American. Riki only felt like throwing up more as Jay’s hand continued rubbing his back in slower and smaller circles.

“I’m sorry…” Riki forced out as he moved back from the toilet slightly.

“You have nothing to be sorry for Riki-kun. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Taki assured him softly in their mother tongue as he wrapped an arm around his friend’s shoulders and pulled Riki to lean against him slightly.

“I messed up practice,” Riki shook his head, feeling bad that his stupidity probably put them behind on perfecting their performance.

Taki shook his head as he gently rubbed Riki’s back, feeling the material of his binder under the boy’s hoodie and he couldn’t help but wonder if it had hurt him when Riki fell down earlier.

“No you didn’t Riki. Come on, let’s get you to bed. You need to rest,” Taki told him gently as he pulled the younger up and let Riki lean against him.

The younger Japanese boy however, vehemently shook his head, “No, no, we still have to practice. I can’t miss out.”

“Ni-ki, you’re not feeling well and that’s obvious.” Jay added in, concerned by how washed out Riki’s complexion looked and how he was leaning so heavily against Taki at the moment, “Leader’s orders : you are getting some rest.”

Jay went to Riki’s other side and wrapped the boy’s arm around his shoulders as Taki held his other side. Riki knew more than well enough that he wasn’t getting out of this and his back and chest hurt far too much for him to even process anything other than the pain at the moment. The older two basically dragged Riki back into his room before sitting him down on his bed but Riki couldn’t help but groan even as he laid down as the pressure on his back seemed to intensify.

“Ki? Does something hurt?” Taki questioned him, his gaze perceptive as he gently placed his hand on Riki’s stomach, letting Riki know what he was referring to.

Riki slowly nodded as he looked at Taki, ignoring how Jay was staring at the two of them as he did.

“Jay-hyung, can you go get Yudai-hyung and some water for Riki?” Taki asked the oldest in the room.

Jay didn’t want to protest, he wished that he could do more for Riki and honestly felt a tiny pang in his heart hearing Taki ask him to go get Yudai. It made him feel a little useless but he knew that Yudai was like a true big brother to Taki and Riki since before I-Land and before Jay even met them so he obliged.

Riki watched as Jay rushed out of the room, almost wishing that he stayed so he could throw himself into the older’s warm embrace. Jay had become such a comforting presence for Riki and despite his fear and paranoia about people finding out, Jay always seemed so open-minded and loving to everyone. He always took care of everyone and Riki can’t envision him being anything other than sweet and accepting if he chose to come out which he would like to do to Jay eventually because he trusted Jay with his life honestly.

Riki thought that Jay is the one person he wouldn’t mind finding out right this moment.

“Riki, is it your chest?” Taki asked him softly as he comfortingly rubbed a hand over Riki’s stomach, “Is that what hurts?”

Riki sheepishly nodded, knowing that Taki would see right through him if he lied even though he would still be upset if Riki told him the truth. It was not the first time Riki had unsafely binded since he did it quite a bit during their trainee days out of fear for people finding out as well as due to the long hours spent practicing.

“ 'm sorry.” Riki apologized quietly, “I know I said I wouldn’t but I’m just so scared of people finding out Taki. Not everyone is like you and Yudai-hyung and my family. I don’t want people to hate me.”

Taki’s heart panged in his chest hearing how small and afraid Riki sounded. Despite him thinking that all the guys who were still here at I-Land would be beyond accepting of Riki and would never hate him if they knew and he knew a small part of Riki thought they would be accepting too, he also knew the reality was that not everyone was like him and Yudai. He wasn’t going to try and negate Riki’s fear when he knew that it was an understandable one.

“I know Riki-yah. I just wish you would be safer about this…” Taki sighed sadly as he gestured to Riki’s chest, “How long have you had it on?”

“I slept with it last night and I wore it most of yesterday besides when I showered,” Riki admitted quietly, knowing that he wore the binder for far too long since he should really only wear it for 8-12 hour periods.

Truthfully now, he’s had it on for more than 24, which is far from safe.

Taki gasped, shock and worry painting his features as he looked at the younger, “Oh my god Riki, you know you’re not supposed to sleep with it on! That’s more than a full day you’ve been wearing it for, it needs to come off.”

“I know,” Riki sniffled, wiping the tear that fell from his eye. He knew he should have taken it off so long ago but it’s the one thing that hides one of the parts of himself that he hates.

The testosterone he takes manages to hide the periods at least most of the time since he hasn’t gotten one although he can, but unfortunately his chest is something that’s always there and he always has to see. He himself hates seeing it and he much less wants other people to.

Taki gently brushed a hand through Riki’s hair as he sat on the edge of the bed, “I know that it has to suck even though I obviously don’t fully understand how you’re feeling, but you have to take care of yourself, Ki. I know it hurts but you can’t hurt yourself more to try and take away that pain.”

Taki’s words just echoed in Riki’s mind because he knew the older was right; he had been hurting himself to hide the pain that his own body instilled in him but hearing it finally put out like that just made him break. Riki jumped up and into Taki’s arms and let the slightly older boy hold him tight as he ran his hands up and down Riki’s back.

“I’ve got you, Ni-ki~yah. I’ve got you.” Taki whispered comfortingly to the younger.

They didn’t know how long they stayed like that until the door burst open and Yudai came rushing in with worry all over his face as Jay hurriedly followed behind the older, quietly shutting the door and locking it to allow them all some privacy.

“Jay told me you weren’t feeling well, what’s wrong baby?” Yudai questioned worriedly as he took a seat beside Taki and gently placed his hand on the back of Riki’s head and gently rubbed it over his hair.

Jay sat down at the end of the bed, wanting to give Riki space but also not wanting to leave when seeing the boy in so much distress.

Riki glanced at Taki briefly before leaning against Yudai a little more and enjoying the warmth and comforting embrace of his oldest hyung. He couldn’t deny that it felt like something was missing though and as he briefly glanced at Jay over Yudai’s shoulder, he knew exactly what it was.

Taki gave Riki a brief nod before leaning up and whispering to the oldest present what was going on with Riki.

Yudai’s face clouded in severe concern as he looked at Riki before turning and glancing at Jay. The oldest took a deep breath before turning to Jay completely to address him.

“Jay-ah, can you leave us alone for a while, please?” Yudai asked as kindly as he could but he still felt his heart sink when he saw a slight hurt cloud Jay’s expression.

Riki noticed it too and it made his stomach roll slightly; he hated seeing Jay upset or hurt or anything like that. Jay really felt like the first hyung Riki made here after Yudai and Taki. Jay felt like the first person who really, really tried to get close to Riki and has always been there for him ever since. Riki wanted him to stay, he wanted Jay to stay.

Riki shook his head as he forced the words he wanted to say out past his tears, “No. I want Jay-hyung here, I want him to stay.”

Yudai turned to Riki, his face clouded in concern and uncertainty as he rubbed his hand over the boy’s arm, “Are you sure?” He asked quietly.

Riki nodded slowly, he felt pretty certain about this even though a small part of him was screaming not to do this, not to let out what he’s kept secret for so long, not to bare himself so vulnerable even to someone he trusted so much. But Riki ignored it.

Yudai turned back to Jay who looked so hesitant to leave but the eldest gave him a small nod and that let Jay know he could remain. He scooted closer to Riki on the bed and reached his hand out and gently rubbed it over the younger boy’s back, not thinking as hard about the almost vest-like shape he felt underneath that he had so many ideas as to what it was yet it wasn’t his place to know nor say.

“Are you okay, Riki?” Jay asked him softly as he leaned closer to the boy, providing that comforting warmth and feeling of safety that he always did.

Riki hesitated a bit before shaking his head, “Not really hyung… I’ve been hiding something.”

“Ki…” Yudai called for him softly and Riki knew why. He knew that his Yudai hyung just wanted to protect him but Riki felt sure about this, he felt okay doing it.

“What have you been hiding, Ki-yah?” Jay asked him, his voice soft and sweet as he continued to rub Riki’s back.

“I-I’m t-trans.” Riki admitted after a moment, the words finally out there and hanging between them as Jay’s hand continued to rub on his back.

“I was born a girl and right now, you’re kind of rubbing my b-binder and it honestly hurts a bit.” Riki joked flatly at the end.

“Oh shit, sorry Ki!” Jay quickly apologized as he moved his hand, Riki’s words quickly processing in his brain. He’s heard about trans people so many times and he knew it wasn’t something widely accepted, especially not in Asia so he felt really honored that Riki trusted him enough to share that with him.

“I’m really honored that you told me, Riki-yah. Thank you for trusting me enough to let me know,” Jay smiled at the younger boy as he instead took one of Riki’s hands in his own and gave it a squeeze.

Riki almost wanted to cry again because Jay really was accepting and so loving like he expected him to be and he couldn’t help but feel so, so happy that someone else who he cared about and trusted so much accepted him for who he truly was.

“Is your binder hurting you?” Jay asked after a moment, “Is that what really happened in practice earlier?”

Riki thickly swallowed before nodding because he really hadn’t talked about his binder with anyone besides Yudai or Taki but it seemed that Jay was aware of them so he could add someone else that he trusted to talk about this with to the list.

“He only didn’t wear it in the shower yesterday and this morning and he slept with it on last night.” Taki explained as he gave Riki a worried glance, “That’s way longer than he’s supposed to go.”

Jay was completely taken aback hearing that as he’s heard about binders from quite a few friends of his, friends who also happened to use them and he knew that the time period that Taki was describing was far longer than what was safe. Riki had to be in far too much pain at that moment and the thought of it made Jay’s heart clench.

“Riki-yah, that’s not safe. You have to know that’s not safe,” Jay told the youngest worriedly.

Riki sniffled again as he swallowed down the lump still in his throat, “I know, but I just hate them and I want them gone but I can’t do anything about them yet. When I see them, my body feels like it isn’t my own.”

Jay sighed sympathetically as he gently squeezed Riki’s hand, “I know that feeling has to be horrible, little one, but you can’t hurt yourself like this. Over binding can seriously hurt you and I don’t want to see you hurting like this. I know it’s awful but you have to take care of yourself, okay?”

Riki nodded slightly, knowing that Jay was right as his words really just solidified and mirrored what Taki told him earlier. He knew he had to take it off.

“Come on, Ki. You take your binder off and we’ll get you a big shirt to put on under that hoodie and then you’re going to rest.” Yudai told the youngest, his tone leaving no room for argument, “Do you think your back’s bruised?”

Riki bit down on his lip before nodding, “Possibly.”

“I’ll get the crème from your bag then.” Taki piped up quickly before heading out of the room to fetch the item that they’ve had to use on Riki before.

“Have you over-binded before Ki?” Jay asked the youngest gently, not wanting to be intrusive but Taki and Yudai really seem to be familiarized with Riki's behavior and this situation.

“I have.” Riki responded as he leaned against Yudai slightly, “I know it’s stupid but I have.”

Jay chuckled lightly, “It’s definitely not the smartest or safest thing to do, but we understand Riki-yah. We still need to get you out of it, at least for the rest of the day, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Riki agreed albeit slightly reluctantly.

After that, Yudai and Jay turned around so Riki could have some privacy as he took off his binder. Jay went over to his bag to get a shirt that was even baggy on him for Riki to wear so he would be more comfortable not having the binder on.

Once he turned back around, he almost cooed at the sight of Riki having the blanket wrapped around his upper body to conceal himself because the boy truly looked like a sweet little dumpling. Taki soon returned and sat behind Riki as the youngest kept the blanket over his chest.

The slightly older Japanese boy rubbed his hands in practiced motions over Riki’s back and Jay caught a glimpse of the reddened and bruised skin on Riki’s back and he couldn’t help but feel relieved that Riki was letting them take care of him at a time that he really needed it.

Soon enough, Riki was clad in Jay’s giant shirt and the hoodie he had on earlier and the youngest yawned as he laid down on the bed and let himself get lost in the blankets as the events of earlier and the pain in his body finally completely caught up to him.

Riki glanced around at the older three, grateful that they were here and they accepted him and he softly hummed when he felt Jay card a hand through his hair.

“Thank you for trusting me, Ki.” Jay whispered to the Japanese boy as he began to drift off.

Riki’s eyes were too heavy to open but he slightly leaned into Jay’s hand and savored the warm contact, “Thank you for accepting me.”

That was how Riki came out to Jay, who at the time he didn’t know he would end up debuting with but Riki couldn’t be more grateful that he did. Jay always kept him in check, he made sure Riki didn’t overbind and ensured he didn’t wear his binder at least twice a week.

After researching, Jay found out that Riki definitely shouldn’t be wearing his binder when they had dance practice considering how strenuous they were and always ensured the younger took it off. He bought Riki a plethora of baggy hoodies, t-shirts and sweatshirts that would help hide what he didn’t want to be visible in what was a much safer move than Riki binding during dance practices.

Obviously he couldn’t be on top of Riki all the time and sometimes Riki did accidentally over-bind or he did so when the gender dysphoria became too much and he almost couldn’t stand dealing with a part of his body that he hated. The latter days were harder than others but Jay would always be there to comfort Riki when he broke down and rub ointment on his bruised back and stomach.

However, Riki managed really well being in Enhypen, mostly. Hiding himself from the rest of his hyungs became more and more tiring day by day. There were so many times that his hyungs almost walked in on him changing or the few times that they did but Riki was fortunately able to cover up before they saw anything.

They all really thought that Riki just never wanted them to see him whilst he’s changing which they thought was understandable. The rest of them didn’t mind especially considering they were sharing such a small space most of the time but they respected Riki’s privacy hence why none of them ever said anything when Riki would go to the bathroom to change before their performances whilst the rest of them got ready in one dressing room nor why Riki would always be the last to change at photoshoots; they always left him his space and privacy and Riki was really grateful for that.

But it was honestly hard hiding, it was hard having to sneak into the bathroom with Jay so the older could help him administer his testosterone shots after Riki got pretty good at doing it himself after many visits with his doctor. It was hard trying to hide the needles until they could properly dispose of them after and hiding who he was from his hyungs, from the people closest to them just became more and more difficult and painful.

After far too many months— almost a year of accidental walk-ins whether it was the bedroom or the shower or sometimes the dressing room as they got ready for photoshoots, Riki knew it was a matter of time before someone found out for themselves and that’s not what he wanted. He wanted to tell his hyungs and tell them on his own terms.

And so he did.

Riki came out to the rest of his hyungs before their Dimension : Dilemma promotions. He came out to his second family at the age of 15 bordering 16 and despite how nervous he had been, it felt just as wonderful as when he came out to the first.

“Thank you for trusting us with that, Riki-san.” Jake told him softly as all the members held him in a tight group hug.

“We love you no matter what, you know that?” Jungwon had assured him, “You can tell us anything and I’m really glad you told us about this.”

Riki really did feel surrounded by love and unconditional support and he couldn’t thank them more.

Over time, Riki opened up to his hyungs way more about his transition and how it’s gone for him over the past few years. He even mentioned that there was a possibility that he could still get periods even on his hormones because he was deathly afraid of randomly getting it and dealing with it alone. It felt like a necessary warning.

He also opened up about how he couldn’t get top surgery and that was one part of himself that he kind of hated, but his hyungs offered him support and understanding and even promised that once he’s eighteen, they’ll do everything that they can to make sure that he gets his wish. Riki knew then that he couldn’t have asked for better hyungs.

Nearly two years after Riki came out to his hyungs, the most dreaded thing happened.

Riki woke up to the feeling of cramps in his stomach, harsh and unforgiving cramps that felt like he was being stabbed and his back ached intensely, making moving feel miserable He felt a persistent pounding in his temple and his chest hurt in the same way it used to whenever his cycle started. Riki knew the signs but was honestly hoping that they were not his period after almost five years of being on testosterone; he was desperately hoping that it was just a flu or something and not his period yet as he slowly became more conscious, he registered the uncomfortable, wet and sticky feeling on his legs.

Riki lifted the blanket off of himself and looked down at the sheets to see that his gray shorts were now stained red along with a red patch now taking up residence on his sheets. He was almost immediately with another cramp which really sealed it for him that yes, he got his period after five years.

Riki knew it could happen and he mentally prepared himself as much as possible but he truly forgot how painful periods could be and feels so much empathy for his sisters who have to experience this on a regular basis. He honestly wished that Konon was here right now to offer him comfort like she always did with a hot water bottle on his stomach and as much chocolate and ice cream as Riki could ever want. Riki always appreciated that.

He’s hit with yet another cramp and Riki whimpers quietly as he curls into a ball on his side, hoping the position would offer a little relief that it used to. Riki gripped the duck plush that he kept on his bed and held it over his stomach, squeezing it as the pain became more and more unbearable; he really wanted his hyungs.

He wished he could reach for his phone and call them in but alas it’s on the dressing table that’s way too far from his bed for him to manage getting up at the moment and Riki’s also terrified of making more of a mess and he internally cursed when he remembered that he didn’t have anymore pads besides really small ones that would do absolutely nothing for him. He also had a few tampons but he hated those and would never use them unless a gun was pointed to his head.

One glance at the clock told him that Jungwon would likely be coming in soon to wake him up since they’re supposed to have practice— oh god, practice. Riki internally groaned, he couldn’t stand right now, much less manage dancing for hours.

He knew their comeback was coming up soon but Riki knew that realistically he really couldn’t do anything other than lay in bed today and he internally pleaded for Jungwon to hurry up so he could be in at least a little less agony sooner.

Some painful minutes later, Riki heard the soft yet quick drag of Jungwon’s feet on the wooden floors of the dorm and he heard the door open.

“Riki-yah? Oh you’re awake,” Jungwon said as his eyes landed on the youngest’s form in the still fairly dark room due to the curtains still being drawn.

“Hyung…” Riki let out a pained whimper as he looked up at the leader.

“Ki? What’s wrong?” Jungwon’s brows furrowed in concern as he flipped on the light to the room and hurried over to Riki’s side.

It didn’t take Jungwon long to get his answer as he soon saw the blood staining the sheets as well as Riki’s shorts and saw the vice grip Riki was keeping on his duck plush as he held it against his stomach.

“Oh you got your period, huh?” Jungwon asked softly as he gently carded a hand through Riki’s hair.

“I thought I was safe after five years but nope, this feels so fucking miserable,” Riki groaned as he hid his face in the pillow, “I feel so gross.”

Jungwon hummed sympathetically before gently patting his head, “Let me get the hyungs in here, okay?”

“Yes please.” Riki nodded, craving the comfort of the rest of his hyungs at the moment despite feeling pretty embarrassed that they’re going to see him like this. Periods really aren’t something every boy gets after all.

Jungwon went to the doorway and poked his head out into the hallway to call for the hyungs before turning to Riki and telling him that he would be back. The leader hurried down the right of the hallway and Riki heard the quickened footsteps of the rest of his hyungs before they were all entering the room and coming over to his side.

“Hey Ki- oh…” Sunoo said when he noticed the red shade coating both Riki’s pants and his sheets.

“Yeah.” Riki sighed, feeling slightly embarrassed as he saw the shock grace his hyungs’ faces before it morphed into concern.

“I hated periods before and I absolutely hate them now, everything hurts.” Riki said with a pained sigh as he gripped his duck plush even tighter.

“Oh, I’m sorry sweetheart,” Jay told him softly, his eyes soft and affectionate as ever as he looked at Riki, “We’ve got you alright?”

Jay’s words were as reassuring as always and Riki slightly nodded with a small smile as he looked at his hyungs.

“No practice for us today then, Ki. We have to take care of our baby. Do you want some painkillers?” Sunoo questioned kindly as he gently played with Riki’s hair.

“Yes please,” Riki agreed, wanting this pain to stop.

“I’m gonna grab you a heating pad, okay Ki?” Sunghoon told the youngest as he gently patted Riki’s back before hurrying out of the room.

“We’ve got to get you cleaned up though, Riki-san,” Jake told him gently, trying not to make the boy feel embarrassed about the situation, “Do you think you can stand up to shower?”

Riki shook his head almost immediately at the suggestion because he honestly did not want to stand right now at all.

“I can run you a bath then,” Jake says quickly as he gives Riki a small smile, “I’ll make it nice and warm for you.” The Aussie briefly squeezes Riki’s hand before leaving the room as well, leaving Riki with his two oldest and one of his youngest hyungs.

His hyungs were really making Riki feel comfortable and so, so supported. Riki has cried to Jay so many times when his gender dysphoria hit because of his chest and how it made him feel like he wasn’t masculine enough despite being so in so many other ways and now his period was giving him that same feeling and he hated it. He almost felt like no matter what, there was almost something that just reminded him or made him feel like he wasn’t entirely a boy.

Riki didn’t even realize there were tears rolling down his cheeks until Sunoo crouched in front of him and cupped his face gently and began wiping his tears with his thumbs.

“Oh Kiki, it’s okay. Don’t cry, hyungs got you.” Sunoo told him reassuringly, his gentle voice like the sweetest song as he comforted the maknae.

“Does it hurt, Ki?” Heeseung asked worriedly as he lifted a hand up and rubbed it over Riki’s stomach, clearly thinking his tears were due to the pain.

Riki only managed to cry harder as he squeezed his plushie impossibly tighter as Jay took his hand and gave it a squeeze, “I know baby, I know it hurts. I know this must suck, it’s okay, you’ll be okay.”

Riki sniffled loudly as his stomach cramped again, only clouding his mind more with both the physical and emotional pain that he’s feeling. His other hyungs must have heard him as they came rushing in, Sunghoon with a heating pad in hand and Jungwon holding some towels and a bottle of painkillers as they hurried over to Riki’s side.

“What’s wrong Riki-san? Is the pain really bad?” Jake asked worriedly as he glanced at the other members, hoping they would have an answer.

“I-I hate this,” Riki whimpered into his pillow, “It makes me feel less like a b-boy.”

“Oh Riki…” Jay sighed sympathetically as he sat at the foot of the bed and rubbed his cold thumb in soothing circles over Riki’s (slightly warmer than usual) ankle.

“You are a boy. This doesn’t make you any less of a boy or any less masculine than any of us or any other boy out there.” Jay assured him, knowing Riki’s feelings with dysphoria all too well.

“Yeah Ki.” Jungwon added as he took a seat on the floor next to Sunoo who was gently wiping Riki’s tears from his face, “Jay-hyung’s right. You’re a boy and you always have been and always will be. Who cares if you get your period sometimes? You’re still the most annoying and adorable boyish-boy we know.” Jungwon teased lightly at the end and he was glad he did as he got a smile out of the youngest.

Riki sniffled once again before offering all of his hyungs a small smile, feeling a little more assured despite how his mind still felt like it was being a little fucked with, “Thanks hyungs.”

“No problem, Riki-san. Now come on, let’s get you into the bath. I don’t want it going cold on you,” Jake told him with that bright, puppy-dog smile that always made Riki feel better.

“Is it okay if we sit you up? I also brought a towel that you can wrap around you if you want.” Jungwon told him, clearly wanting Riki to be as comfortable as possible.

“It’s not going to be fun, but yeah, you guys can sit me up.” Riki agreed although feeling slightly reluctant to move from his position. He just knew that he had to.

Jay and Sunghoon came over and both slipped their arms under Riki’s back to help pull him into a sitting position. Riki groaned and had to bite back the feeling of nausea as they do and he squeezed his shut to try and let it pass.

“You alright Ki?” Sunghoon asked in concern as he shifted behind the boy on the bed and kept an arm around him.

Riki let out a deep breath as the nausea subsided and let his hyung hold him up, “Yeah, I just got a little nauseous for a second.”

“Come on Ki, I’m sure you’ll feel at least a little better after a bath.” Jay told him as he wrapped one of the towels Jungwon brought around the younger’s waist before easily hoisting him up into a bridal carry.

Riki has truly never been more thankful for Jay hitting the gym as much as he does as his hyung carried him down out of the room and down the hallway with ease.

Riki was almost instantly hit with the sweet smell of strawberry which let the dancer know that Jake used his favorite bubble bath mix in the warm water and he smiled slightly at the bubbles resting on the top of the water. Jay set him down on the closed toilet seat before crouching on the floor in front of him.

“You want any of us to stay with you or do you want to be alone?” Jay asked, wanting to make this as comfortable as possible for Riki.

Riki honestly didn’t really want to stay here alone, on his periods he always used to crave affection and be strangely clingy so he can deem that that just has not changed. He would really prefer if his hyungs stuck around.

“Can you and Hoon-hyungie stay?” Riki asked the elder.

Jay quickly nodded as he patted Riki’s leg, “Of course. I’ll go get him while you climb in the bath, okay?”

Riki nodded in agreement and watched as Jay stepped out of the bathroom, quietly closing the door behind him. Once the door shut, the youngest took off his dirty clothes before lowering himself into the bathtub, ignoring how gross his legs felt as he did before he gently began scrubbing them.

The warm water felt really good against his aching and sore body as Riki leaned his head against the cold tile of the wall and let the soap and water gently flow over his body. He heard a knock on the door and called for whoever it was to come in.

“Hey Ki,” Sunghoon greeted as he came back in with Jay and Sunoo came in behind them with some clean clothes and a pad for Riki.

“I know you hate them but my sister says that these are the least uncomfortable ones.” Sunoo smiled at the youngest as he rested the pad on top of Riki’s clothes; but he was a little curious about the pad Sunoo had because he certainly didn’t use those and he knew he only had tampons left.

“Where did you get that from Sunoo-hyungie?” Riki asked curiously as his eyes narrowed on the purple square resting on top of his clean clothes.

Sunoo’s ears went red and he bit down on his lip, almost looking sheepish, “I knew that you didn’t keep any because you hated the idea of getting your period but you also mentioned when you came out to us that there was still a chance that you could. I bought an emergency pack just in case they actually happened.”

Riki was beyond surprised to hear that and sure it was a bit strange but also really touching that his hyung went out of his way to make sure that he would have supplies just in case this scenario happened. It was clear Sunoo didn’t think it really would but Riki was glad that the older was prepared.

“That’s both a little strange and really sweet, Sunoo-hyungie,” Riki smiled appreciatively at the elder boy, “Thanks for that hyung, at least they’re better than tampons.” Riki joked lightly before shuddering a bit, he really did hate tampons.

“Are they really? My sister’s never really talked to me about periods that much although I always did what I could to help her.” Sunghoon said curiously as he sat down on the closed toilet lid, “I can’t imagine either of them being comfortable.”

Riki snickered as he played with the bubbles surrounding him, “They’re not, one feels like a diaper and the other is well… gross.”

“I know you hate them, Ki but unfortunately we won’t be able to get those stains out of your clothes if you don’t wear one.” Jay told him sympathetically as he sat on the bath mat and gently played with Riki’s hair.

“I know.” Riki sighed heavily.

“I’m gonna put these in the wash.” Sunoo announced as he took Riki’s dirty clothes from the floor and piled them up into his arms before looking at the youngest, “Do you feel okay enough to eat something? Heeseung-hyung was wondering if you want some porridge.”

“Porridge sounds good,” Riki agreed, knowing that he should eat something even if he didn’t feel all that hungry and nausea plagued him intermittently.

“I’ll go tell him that then. Take all the time you need to relax, Ki.” Sunoo winked before stepping out of the room, leaving two thirds of the 02z and the maknae together.

There’s quiet for a moment, save for the quiet shuffling of Sunghoon’s feet on the tiles before he sat on the bath mat beside Jay.

“Are you feeling any better, Riki-san?” Sunghoon questions as he dips his hand in the water and plays with the bubbles.

Riki hummed in response, “A little I guess, my back and stomach are killing me though.”

“Well you had your binder on for more than twelve hours yesterday.” Sunghoon stated with a knowing look, remembering how although they didn’t have dance practice yesterday, they had vocal lessons and a few interview appearances.

It had been a long and tiring day and everyone had all but passed out when they got back but Riki distinctly remembered Sunghoon making sure he took his binder off before he went to sleep because Riki still wasn’t on top of it all the time.

“Riki…” Jay sighed as he looked at the youngest boy, having had this talk too many times.

Riki pouted slightly as he brought his knees to his chest, “I know, I know, but I really didn’t have any chance to take it off yesterday.”

Usually he would take a break from having it on, especially during long schedules like yesterday even if only for a few minutes but Riki genuinely didn’t have time the day prior at all. He did feel slightly bad though, because he knew that Jay worried, especially since Riki still did have issues with over-binding yet fortunately hadn’t caused himself any severe damage.

Jay sighed, his eyes full of worry as he gently wiped a washcloth over Riki’s face, “I know Ki. Yesterday was a lot, but you know that means it’s staying off today and tomorrow, right? Yesterday would have made it six days and that’s long enough.”

Riki nodded in understanding. He and Jay had made up a schedule with a little help from Riki’s doctor so Riki could safely bind without causing himself damage. Ten hours a day was his max but he always tried to not exceed it although in special circumstances he did. On those long days he was also supposed to go to the bathroom for at least five minutes to take it off and let his chest breath but unfortunately yesterday only permitted him short bathroom breaks with not enough time to break from his binder. His maximum days were five and he was supposed to take two days to rest but he certainly hadn’t done that this week.

“I know, hyung.” Riki agreed quietly, knowing that an argument about this would be pointless and that he couldn’t hurt himself in the long run.

“You’ve worn it all week. I’m pretty sure it needs to be washed anyway,” Sunghoon joked lightly as he put some bubbles on the small peak of Riki’s knee poking out of the bubbles.

“Yeah, yeah.” Riki rolled his eyes although Sunghoon was kind of right, his binder probably stunk.

Soon enough, Riki had to get out of the tub, so Jay and Sunghoon helped him stand before the former ice skater quickly wrapped a towel around the boy. The older two helped him dry off before turning around to let Riki change in private.

Riki couldn’t ignore how uncomfortable the pad was and he was really glad that he didn’t have to wear these on a more regular basis. Quite frankly, he hated that he still had to wear them at all but unfortunately his body decided to fuck him over despite the years he has spent on testosterone. It felt so weird having a pad on after years of never having to wear one and not wanting to wear one.

Despite what his hyungs told him earlier, it just didn’t feel right. Riki was a boy, but this made him feel less like one. He felt a tear run down his cheek and inadvertently let out a sniffle which caused the older two to turn and glance at him out of concern.

“Oh Ki, what’s wrong?” Sunghoon questioned worriedly as he went over and wrapped his arms around the younger male in a comforting hug.

Riki sniffled against the shorter’s neck as he wrapped his arms around Sunghoon’s back and he let his tears fall on Sunghoon’s neck as he and soon Jay came and hugged the youngest tight.

“T-This just sucks.” Riki sniffled against his younger hyung’s shoulder, “I didn’t think I would have to d-deal with this a-again. It just makes me feel all w-wrong.”

Jay gently patted Riki’s back before he rubbed soothing circles over it, “We don’t fully understand what you’re going through but we know this has to be awful, sweetheart. I’m sorry.”

Riki sniffled as he leaned his head against Jay’s shoulder, glad that the older was here for him like he always was. He always made the overwhelming feelings suck a little less, “Thanks hyungie.”

Jay gently pat Riki’s head before offering the younger a small smile, “Come on, Ki. Let’s go and get you comfy so you can relax, alright?”

Riki let out a small hum of agreement and let Jay sweep him up into a koala hold so he didn’t have to walk with his aching head and back along with his cramping stomach.

“Come here, Ki.” Jake waved the youngest over as he sat on the couch with a hot bowl of porridge in hand.

Jungwon was seated beside the Aussie with a heating pad in his hands but quickly scooted over to give Riki some space between themselves so Riki could have some breakfast.

“Are you feeling any better Riki-yah?” Heeseung asked from where he was seated on the smaller couch with Sunoo.

Riki shrugged slightly, “My stomach and back are killing me but the bath helped a little.”

“Do you want the heating pad on whilst you eat?” Jungwon asked as he held up the item to the youngest and Riki quickly nodded in response, wanting at least some relief from his pain.

Jungwon plugged in the heating pad before placing it over Riki’s stomach and the warmth almost instantly made Riki feel better although he doubted that it was really just warmth from the heating pad and rather the warmth of all of his hyungs’ presence.

“Come here Riki-san, you’ve got to at least eat a little.” Jake told him gently as he held up the bowl before lifting the spoon to his lips.

“I hope you and Heeseung didn’t poison him,” Jay teased the Aussie lightly.

Jake gasped in offense and his expression made Riki snicker slightly as he shot the second oldest a glare, “Listen here, Mr. Five Star Chef, we may not be able to cook as well as you but we wouldn’t poison him.”

“Please, the most you two cook is ramyeon.” Sunghoon added on with a teasing lilt to his voice, “Riki’s in enough pain so food poisoning doesn’t need to add onto it.”

Everyone laughed at that whilst both Heeseung and Jake pouted before his Australian hyung shot him a playful glare.

“Fine you can feed yourself then.” He said with a teasing smirk as he held the bowl out to the youngest.

Riki whined before pouting at the older male, not at all feeling to move his already sore body even though he was usually against his hyungs babying him. Right now he honestly really craved their attention and affection at the moment.

“Aish, why are you so cute?” Jake exasperatedly sighed as he looked at Riki’s adorably pouty lips.

“Here you go, you big baby.” Jake said as he lifted the spoon back to Riki’s lips and the youngest finally took a bite, enjoying the warm and sweet cinnamon taste of the food.

“You really can’t resist him at all.” Sunoo chuckled at the third oldest as he snapped a picture before lowering his phone.

“This is why Riki has turned out the way he did. You spoil him the most,” Jungwon joked as he shifted closer to Riki’s side.

Jake scoffed before turning to Jay who was seated on the carpet with Sunghoon and giving him a knowing look, “If anyone has spoiled Riki the most, it’s that one right there.”

Jay shrugged with a self-satisfied smirk on his face, “I’m Riki’s favorite.”

“Jungwon-hyung is my favorite,” Riki shot back quickly before taking another bite of his breakfast.

“Yah!” The older five all chorused in offense as Jungwon only chuckled fondly before moving over to Riki to cuddle him.

Jungwon accidentally pressed his arm a bit too hard over Riki’s stomach and caused the youngest to let out a wince and the leader almost immediately retracted in guilt as he looked at the pained grimace on Riki’s face.

“Aish, Wonie, be gentle. Riki’s in a lot of pain right now,” Jay reminded the second youngest as he rubbed a hand over Riki’s thigh as the youngest calmed down from the bout of pain.

“I know,” Jungwon spoke, looking like a kicked kitten as he looked at Riki with guilt-filled eyes, “I’m sorry baby.”

Jungwon looked too cute at the moment but Riki certainly didn’t want him to feel guilty for what he knew was an accident.

“It’s okay Wonie-hyung, just be careful please.” Riki told the older boy softly, looking at him with the gentlest eyes.

Jungwon nodded as he moved a little more tentatively this time, gently resting his arm on the heating pad set over Riki’s stomach before basically latching himself against Riki’s back. The youngest was really convinced that his hyungs had healing powers because somehow he was already feeling so much better.

Riki sighed as he took one last bite of food before rolling onto his other side and resting his head on Jungwon’s shoulder whilst enjoying both the warmth of his youngest hyung and the heating pad that managed to soothe his stomach.

“I definitely don’t think I’ll get food poisoning from the porridge; that was really good. Thanks hyungs,” Riki told Heeseung and Jake gratefully.

“Yeah, good job you guys. You didn’t poison our maknae,” Sunghoon teased as he nudged Heeseung’s leg from where he’s seated on the carpet which earned him a playful kick back from the eldest.

Everyone was amused by their oldest and ice prince’s bickering before they settled down and Sunoo turned to look at Riki.

“Anyways, are you feeling any better now, Ki?” Jake asked as he latched himself onto Riki’s back and cuddled the two youngest members.

Riki nodded as he rested his head comfortably on Jungwon’s warm shoulder. Riki really couldn’t have handled this on his own and he was glad he had his hyungs by his side to make him feel so much better. Riki couldn’t be more grateful for the supportive and loving people that he had in his life.

“Thank you, hyungs. I love you guys.” Riki expressed his deep appreciation and love for the members. It was rare that he did it, but he really meant it; he didn’t know what he would ever do without them.

The hyungs hearts all melted and they returned a litany of 'I love you’s' before the living room fell into a comfortable quiet.

Periods suck and although Riki definitely doesn’t plan on having another one in the future, he’s glad that he’s got six amazing hyungs who would always take care of him.