Work Text:
Tomorrow, you will be leaving.
Winter has never been so cold and harsh in the coastal city of Osaka, ever since Haruki departed his two hour and thirteen minute train trip and arrived here three winters ago; deciding that he will forever remain in this place.
Haruki and Haruka have broken up. This isn’t recent news, but it would be somehow shocking because no one knew about it. In fact, nobody knows about their romance except the two, thus none can even come to the fact that they break up. Or even their past relationship. Haruki chuckled. Brothers who are in love with each other. A topic so scandalous and outrageous. A topic perfect for a discussion during a middle-aged men's drinking session, which ended with some badly drunk guy's comment: “Who even understands those insanities". Haruki didn't even understand himself when he self-confessed that he loved Haruka, but for god's sake, they had long forgotten their familial bond as their minds were clouded with the torment and suffering after the break up three years ago. Haruki asked himself, did Haruka feel any remorse? Did you feel guilt after abandoning me, Haruka?
Haruki did not have an answer. As he ran away with his life, far away from the only person who can give his damned brother the needed answer.
He crossed his legs on the counter, leaned back towards the wall behind and let himself take a rest sooner than scheduled. It was only ten in the morning. The winter sunshine filled the small shop with white light, but it couldn't brighten up the atmosphere much. Haruki sat alone in the shop, with no customer in tow or any other colleagues. The cramped, silent space has now become so vast and lonesome, because it was made for a lonely person - him. Haruki randomly picked up a newspaper on the shelf, his eyes squinting to read those tiny printed sentences across the paper, trying to kill time by doing something more useful than just lazing around. Finally, the newspaper was kept spread open, landing on Haruki's sleepy lazy face. Now his scheduled break finally began.
After resting for around ten minutes, Haruki felt a cold wind hitting the shop, colliding with the chimes hanging on the door, making them jingle. He shuddered for a while, then lowered the newspaper, grumpily grumbled “Sorry, it's noon break" and sternly stared at the customer who dared to destroy his peaceful moment.
“H-Haruka?”
“Nii-san, you are here! I've been looking for you for so long.”
Haruka brightly smiled and rushed to the counter like he usually did, wanting to hug his brother tightly, but Haruki directly threw the newspaper straight to his face. He cursed:
“Oh, now you are searching for me? Is it out of your free will or are you just following the old man's words? Don't fucking tell me that you decide this on your own, nice joke. You are just trying to make yourself look like you actually cherished what was lost to the extent of scrambling around for it.”
“I missed you, Nii-san. That's why I went to search for you.”
His brother answered longingly as if he is so accustomed to Haruki's usual grumpy demeanor. Actually, he is - in fact, he has long been used to it. But Haruki has long stopped tolerating his vain-looking face. He felt sick by only looking at it. Partly because it's identical to his, partly because it's the figure that has been accompanying Haruki through trillions and millions of moments of his life. He so wanted to completely forget it, as if to erase Haruka out of his mind. Damn it, Haruki silently cursed.
He does miss him, how surprisingly; but he does not want to hear the same thing being directed at him. He does not want to know that Haruka misses him. Because he might be using that charm once again to entice Haruki again, trying to make him believe that Haruka still loves him so much and he wants him to come back; despite the striking truth of Haruka leaving him. Fuck it, he continued cursing, Haruka left me. He left him. He left him, after all these extensive days of chasing after Haruki, saying that he’s his only one, the only thing in his mind and his dreams; but when Haruka started to become a constant image within Haruki’s thoughts, he even took the audacity to cruelly leave him behind. Wasn’t that all for a joke? Didn’t Haruka hate him so much, only for him to destroy him from deep within his soul in lieu of saying “I love you”, as an exclusive revenge for Haruki?
The older twin was getting lost within his tormented thoughts roaming free inside his head, but he still tried to calm down to not lose his stance towards Haruka. He decided:
“Go back. Don’t search for me anymore, and do not even return here by all means. Leave me alone.”
“Nii-san…” Haruka painfully cried out a sound that Haruki despised.
“Get the fuck away-”
“I’m getting married two days from now.”
Not even getting to finish his scolding, Haruka stopped him mid-sentence. Haruki became wide-eyed due to the spoken invitation. He felt his face turning hot red.
“How the fuck does you having a wife have to do anything with me?”
“Oh, maybe you wanted to invite me, your ex-lover, to see how you are happier besides somebody else? You are fucking spiteful, Haruka. You son of a bitch.”
Haruki’s voice became a pitch higher, but his heart began to worry. Please say that you are joking, please say so. This is just one of your pranks. Tell me that. He felt his heartbeat stop suddenly. He heard the stop of the clock. And everything around Haruki was freezing. He hoped that Haruka was only playing around.
“I’m getting married soon.” Haruka repeated the cruel truth.
“And I want you to follow me. I want to spend time with you on my last day.”
Haruki sat down rather harshly on the high stool behind the counter, as his two legs felt like they couldn’t support the heavy mass above them anymore. “You are going to be married. To be married.” He mumbled.
“So go back home and take care of your wife. Why the fuck are you searching for me.”
“Nii-san, I want to be with you. Please Nii-san. If you don’t want it, I will pick you up myself.”
Haruki didn’t remember that much about the last time he melted before Haruka’s enticing “nii-san”. But this was happening again, and Haruki hated this, hating the fact that he had no power against it once or twice and some more couple times. But everything will end tomorrow. And for the rest of his life, Haruki wouldn’t have to be tormented by that sound anymore.
“I’m not free today. I have to look after the shop. If you want to, come here tomorrow at 9 o’clock sharp. I will ask the owner for permission. And then it’s up to you to drive me to who-knows-where.”
“I understand. Let me give you a ride tomorrow.”
***
Haruki's shop was a tiny one which sold things no one needed at a beach. Be damned it was too close to the beach, which makes winter mornings freezing with gusts of strong wind; adorning Haruki’s body with the salty smell of seawater. Haruki went out for some air around nine to fifteen, glancing the shop down and realized that he has no connection to this city ever since he moved two years ago. Honestly, Haruki was never truly attaching himself to someone - except for Haruka. Even his dad, his colleagues and his game friends - all couldn’t ignite that weird feeling in him. Only his twin shares a certain thread of connection with him ever since they were born. And Haruki also thought they will always be each other's' other half. Now the string that connects the holy relationship between the two blood brothers is broken, who share a face and each one a half of the soul; all that’s left was the old title of their past relationship. Would Haruki still need Haruka? He didn't know what would happen at the end, but he was quite certain that yes, he still needs Haruka.
Haruka clicked his tongue, why did this bastard take so long?
After fifteen minutes of waiting and wandering, finally Haruki spotted a white car parking right in front of the store. From the clear glass, he saw Haruka waving at him, but instead of greeting his ex-lover or even giving something close to a nod, Haruki just scanned over the car: a new generation Toyota, must be two million yen at least. He sighed, opening the car door. So lucky, he can do anything he wants. However, he didn't have the chance to sit down before Haruka caught his hand and pulled him to the front seat.
“Haruki’s seat is here.”
Haruka’s familiar spot would no longer be his after today. Leaning back onto the comfortable chair, Haruki quickly deduced, then ostracized himself for being like a jealous woman. Giving him this important seat couldn’t prove anything, because there would be someone replacing him anyways.
And so, Haruki’s mind long wandered into his own sea of emotions, not noticing that his brother’s car had gone deep into the town.
Haruka parked his car in a parking lot within the town, turned off the engine and removed the keys. He grabbed Haruki’s hand, but Haruki quickly retreated and mumbled “I can go by myself.”
“Where are we going?”
Haruki asked, his tone unpleasant, dragging his feet and defeatedly following the excited figure of his twin brother. They boarded a metro line, and Haruki didn’t have any clue about its destination.
“Namba Park.”
Haruki has lived in this coastal city for around three years already, but he has never tried going offshore, or once entered the heart of the town; as his routine only revolves around the local hospital and that secluded shop. He did not know how vast and magnificent Osaka’s sky is, but Haruki thought he could get used to the bustling life over here when they walked out from the station and took five or ten minutes to walk to Namba Park. At least Osaka only loses Tokyo to its population, and Haruki thought it made these two cities look similar.
Even though Namba was an urbanized and modernized shopping mall, it perfectly blended into the natural scenery from rows of green trees along the path. Birds and butterflies idly flew by, enhancing the realisticness of the landscape, making it seem like a tropical forest. They went deeper into the area.
Some more stairways later, the twins reached the fifth floor, where Haruka dragged Haruki to a coffee shop that he deemed popular. They chose a rather private seat in the corner. Haruki’s breathing has been getting ragged throughout the trip, so now he can finally sit down and catch up with his breathing again. When the waiter arrived at the brothers' table and politely offered the cafe's menu, Haruka quickly responded:
“A hot coffee with extra milk and a matcha frappe with nama matcha. Nii-san, have you had breakfast yet?”
“Already.”
“One portion of waffles with extra chocolate sauce for him, thank you.”
The waiter quickly left, leaving the twins alone in the corner of the cafe, no one saying anything. The coffee shop has just opened for a short time but the huge flow of customers has completely filled out the space with no vacant table left. Maybe Haruka was saying the truth when he said this place was mad popular, and Haruki certainly felt that he was lucky to claim a nice spot here.
“You still remember.”
“It's a given, Nii-san. I remember everything about you. I miss you too.”
What the fuck do you even remember. If you actually miss me, you won't be arriving here this late. Haruki thought so, but of course, he couldn't say that out loud. Haruka's stark, blatant words made his own fade away, rendering him unable to speak. And the conversation fell from that.
“Nii-san, what have you been doing these days?”
“Shift at the medical center in the morning. Working at the shop when I'm free. Dining in the afternoon. And sleeping at night.”
Haruki tried to sharpen his response, keeping it curt and short to resist Haruka's caring words.
“Do you have anyone? Good friends? Girlfriends? Boyfriends?”
Son of a bitch. Haruka thought he was the same as him: a careless, immoral and lowly person. So Haruka really thought that Haruki could stand up by himself to find someone who can complete his burdened soul, like how he replaced Haruki after three years and even reached marriage. But the truth wasn't like that. The truth was, Haruki never went away. He stayed where Haruka abandoned him.
“No one.”
Except for you. But they were words that were, once more, hidden by Haruki.
The dishes they ordered arrived at the table, but Haruki can only take two sips of coffee because he’s not in the mood; while Haruka seemed content with his two matcha treats. No one touched the waffle. Haruka always looked like a kid when he’s having matcha, and in a flash second of reminiscence, Haruki wished he could delete all about that memory.
Over the coffee table, Haruka tried to ask everything about Haruki's life in this unfamiliar place, but his brother tried to avoid it, or mask it with a vague answer, or even complete silence.
They paid with Haruka's money and then left, after Haruki tried to reason that he was not such a loser that he had to use his brother's money, but lost to Haruka's stubbornness. Their next destination is a cinema on floor seven. According to their previous deal, Haruka let his brother pay for the tickets and popcorn.
The movie they watched was a slow-paced narration of a blooming same-sex relationship, which took place in a rural area in Italy. Because of the film's nature, there wasn't much audience at the time, only around three or four people.
“Getting the whole space? Great idea, I can do more… fun things with you.” Ignoring Haruka's wooing, Haruki paid attention towards the movie.
In the scene where the two main characters kissed near the lake, Haruki stole a glance towards his brother while wondering if he actually took interest in the movie, only to find out that Haruka has long been clenching his left hand. The ring finger, to be exact. Haruki starkly stared at his ring finger, as if he wanted it to break away, and anger bubbled inside his soul. He didn't think that finger was necessary anymore if he couldn't put a ring on it. If he can't adorn the ring that Haruka himself gave him. That honor would go to someone else, someone who will walk along the aisle donning a long, white dress; receiving and giving the ring to Haruka, then they will together speak their vows out loud - in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish. Until we are parted by death.
“Release my hand.” Haruki softly said.
“Nii-san, don't be embarrassed. No one could see us. I can even kiss you right now.”
“Embarrass your fucking ass.”
If you want to kiss me, so do it.
The movie ended with the main character sitting next to the phone, hugging his knees, after his lover called and announced his marriage. The credits started to roll. The twins stood up and exited the cinema. Did they meet for the last time? Like me and Haruka?
After the movie, Haruka led him around the park, from the bookstore to the arcade; from Japanese restaurants to snacking booths. When they finally arrived at the gate, the sky had long turned orange. The last sunlight shone on Haruki as if it was trying to light up all of the darkness that has long existed inside him. The brothers found a bench and sat down, taking a rest.
“The day has gone by so fast, huh Nii-san.”
“Did you have fun?”
The question was repeated, and the older twin cried.
“No, I can't be happy now, Haruka!”
“You have abandoned me, how can I be happy about that! You found someone else to love and gave them everything that has once only been mine, how can I be happy about that! Why are you searching for me? Do you want to see me withering and suffering like a crumpled piece of paper just to be content with yourself?”
“Why did you remember the dishes I love? Why did you hold my hand? Why did you tell me you would kiss me, but you never did?”
“We have broken up already! You should have forgotten everything!”
“Delete everything! Erase them!’
“You are going to be married tomorrow, so why go back for me? You chose to leave me alone, and now suddenly you care about this broken down person? You think you can save me?”
Haruki screamed until his throat couldn't take it anymore, with curious eyes looking at him, trying to have a peek of his heart, now laid open for the world to see. He felt like he was being stripped down to the toes. But he couldn’t care less. He couldn't care about anything. He needed an answer from Haruka. Why did he leave him with so many wounds that hurt him so much?
Underneath the raining flow of tears, Haruki couldn't look straight with his water-laden eyes. He could feel the heat. He could feel Haruka hugging him tightly, compressing all his broken pain into a small bundle.
“Don't hug me… Stop it!”
“Nii-san.”
“I DO NOT WANT TO SAY ANYTHING TO YO-”
“I love you, Nii-san…”
Haruka's face became distorted with happiness. He was so happy that the person within his dreams from childhood until now actually reciprocated his forbidden feelings, even if he was the one who walked away. But everything was too late now. Haruka held back his tears.
“I have always loved you. A lot. I know I have hurt you when I wanted us to break up, but back then I thought it's better than letting you suffer in the future.”
“Dad knows about us. He told me to give up. Dad wants to protect us from the whatnots of society. I wanted to protect you too. I regret confessing to you and making you love me, turning you into an abnormal person like me.”
“We live in a different world, Haruki. We are not normal, we are freaks. That's how others will talk about us. Are you not afraid?”
“I always wanted you, wanted your love. Because I'm a crazy doctor who couldn't cure your rotten pain. I wanted to use the blood that flowed between us to bind you and trap you here beside me, forever.”
Speaking of now, Haruka mauled him. Haruki felt his arms shaking when Haruka tried to tightly envelope his whole body, sniffing the curve of his neck and feeling his brother's erratic breaths on his skin.
“But… you have your whole life before you. You have a bright future waiting ahead. You have to become a normal person, Nii-san. I love you, but your future is more important than this lowly and sick love of mine. So I have to let you go.”
SMACK!
A hard, powerful slap landed straight on Haruka's face, temporarily deforming his mouth; while his eyes looked up to Haruki starkly.
“You are so stupid, Haruka. You think I need your protection? I am your brother, the one who must protect you. You do not understand that I do not need any shields from others!”
“I do not care about what others say. Sick? Morbid? So what?”
“Why can't I love the one I love? I-had-been-afraid. Yes, absolutely, I had been afraid, disgusted, and had run from you for such a long time. But now I made the choice to become the same disgusting thing as you just to love you. So why did you turn away? You are such a coward. Why did you run away?”
“I love you, Haruka. After everything, I still love you.”
Haruki broke down onto his own knees. Tears streamed from the hand-covered face. But no tears are enough for this. He still wanted to cry, for the tears would cleanse everything, for when he woke up, there would be no break up, no wives, and he and Haruka would live happily forever after.
“Haruki… Nii-san…”
“I just want to stay beside you. But you will be married off tomorrow… Tomorrow they will take you from me, and I will become a beggar, wandering all over the world, finding the love that I would never receive again.”
The sun shone its last rays and finally died down. The sorrowful night has befallen on Earth, completely covering Haruki's trembling figure. He tried to wipe away his tears and open his eyes. And to his horror, nothing changed even a little bit.
“You are having a wife? Can you stay with me…?”
“I don't want to let you go, Haruka, I don’t want…”
Haruka swiped Haruki's tears away, hugged him and helped him onto the car, driving straight back to his rental place which reeked of bitterness from the sea, then returned to Tokyo within the night without saying anything. Night passed. Early in the morning, Haruki once more opened his weary eyes and almost cried when he realized he was lying on the one-person bed, inside his rental apartment, secluded and forever lonely.
Haruka is not here. Haruka went back to Tokyo for an engagement. Haruka has given up on him.
A blindingly bright red invitation was laid close to his bed. Haruki stared at it for a long while before finally mustering the courage to open it. The time and venue was printed clearly with a beautiful cursive font. And he couldn't suppress his bitterness seeing the name Hosokawa Haruka largely spread on the card. The card said that the ceremony would begin at half past ten, three hours from now; and perfect for a metro ride to Tokyo.
Haruki brushed his teeth, rinsed his face, combed his hair and opened the wardrobe to choose a neatly fitting suit.
Today, his brother is getting married.
***
Haruka's wedding venue was near a cliff around the Tokyo suburbs. The surroundings felt a little vacant as there were no trees, however it allowed the cool wind to roam and tickle our skin softly. The tables and bouquets displayed for the wedding looked so elegant and colorful. Haruki chose a rather private seat in the last row and sat down, silently watching the man that both him and Haruka called “dad". There were some chatterings happening over there. Haruki strained his ears.
“It's almost time for the wedding ceremony, where's the groom?”
“Mr. Hosokawa, what is happening?”
“Everyone, look up, isn't this the Hosokawa groom?”
Hearing everyone mentioning Haruka, Haruki immediately gazed up to the cliff, and the first thing he saw was the car that Haruka used to drive him all over Osaka yesterday. The white suit for the groom suits his twin so much, his younger brother has always been shining, in contrast to this wallflower older twin.
Haruka stood next to the car, hand holding something that resembles a speaker; then he turned it on and began to speak.
“Everyone, thanks for being here today to celebrate our wedding! I'm very grateful! But too bad, there won't be a wedding today!”
The wedding attendees’ voices went up in shock. Haruka continued:
“I have a confession to my father, my wife and everyone who is here".
“I do not love my wife. Even just a little bit. I do not love her, and I agree to this wedding purely because of the two family's plans.
“I love someone else. Hosokawa Haruki, my treasured twin brother! And I only love him, yes, only him!”
Haruki startled, trying to lay as low as possible in order to hide his Haruka-identical face from Dad and everyone else.
“So sickening and disgusting! That's what everyone thinks, right? I once also thought like that, on the day I confessed to my brother.”
“But now, everything is different!”
“What about disgusting?”
“My Haruki said so! He traded everything just to stay beside me, to love me, not as twins but as a real romantic couple. We were born together, we belong together and we couldn't be separated. Ever since I gained my awareness, I have been loving him. I never felt any regret for that.”
“He's such an amazing person, right?”
“Haruka, get the fuck down here. What bullshit are you talking about? You freak! Damned son! Stop your pranks and get down, do not let me lose my dignity even more!” The twins' dad shouted. The wedding quickly fell into chaos due to all the critics and chatterings.
Surrounded by his twin brother's truthful feelings, Haruki silently sat in the corner, his body continuously trembling from every single word. His eyes, so close to crying, began to follow Haruka intuitively.
“But I have betrayed him, betrayed his laments, his pain and his torments by leaving him. And now, I am standing here, wearing a groom's suit, going to become someone else's husband and share our eternal vows of staying together forever.”
“It was only yesterday that I realized, no matter how much he hated and despised me, he has always wanted to be with me! And I, too, wanted to stay beside him. But now I am chained by this arranged wedding, and I cannot disobey my family. I cannot stay with Haruki anymore.”
“Nii-san, I know you are here! Can you hear me? Apologies for not being able to care for you and cherish you like you have always wanted. But please, please, do not worry.
Stop it, Haruka, what the fuck are you doing?
“If I cannot stay by your side, I am never going to be someone else's!”
“Nii-san, I will always love you, only you!!”
His brother, either he never lied, or he was being truly ecstatic with what he just said. Really, sometimes Haruka’s smiles were pretty scary, or soft, Haruki didn’t even know because his mind is no different from a bunch of tinder right now. But Haruka only smiled for him, and he's the only one who knows when he's actually happy.
After finishing his speech, Haruka threw the speaker away. He deliberated for a while then opened the car’s door and sat in the driver seat. Haruki heard some noises when Haruka restarted the engine. A sudden thought popped into his mind: escaping with his bastard brother to the place he's living right now wasn't a bad idea. He would try to change to a bigger bed for him to be more comfortable, and will introduce him to the hospital Haruki's working in. It's time for him to protect his brother from the cruelty of words and society, for him to stop trembling every time they hug each other.
Haruka stirred the steering wheel further and further away from the event venue, he did not turn back to the exit route but continued on the reluctantly paved road.
No.
Don't.
Don't do it.
Haruki mentally panicked when he realized Haruka's intentions. And in front of the surprised gaze from both families and other guests of the wedding, the white car flew off.
…
Please, Haruka…
The sound of rocks crashing, of explosions and fires; of the vulgar men’s shouts, of the women’s whimperings, of the children's tantrums echoed in Haruki's ears like an atomic bomb. He slowly stood up. Everyone's eyes turned upon him - the person created from the same frame with Haruka - the one who just jumped off the cliff.
Haruki trembled like when he had to endure the chill of a frosty winter day.
“A ha, hi father, hi everyone. It's me! The one Haruka talked about! The second one in that disgusting pair of freak twins!”
“Have you heard anything? I am the one Haruka loves! O bride, do you feel some jealousy towards me?”
He slowly walked towards the end of the cliff, trying to take a look at the car drowning in a bed of flames. Haruki laughed maniacally. His mind was blanked out.
“I am the one Haruka loves! I am the one Haruka dies for! A ha, it's me, I killed my brother…”
Their disastrous love has gone to dust.
***
When the fire burns out, they will take all of Haruka's ashes mixed with the car’s remnants, announcing that he is dead. Father would hold a private funeral for him because of shame, and everyone would forever be laughing at his craziness even when he doesn't exist anymore.
And Haruki, he would be trapped in a prison of torment and guilt, a life-long sentence for killing his own brother, his own lover.
Because he returned Haruka's forbidden feelings.
Today is the day you are gone.