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It's just part of protocol.
Asclepius doesn't expect anything from it. It's a normal test that he would give any young woman her age, regardless of circumstances. One more thing crossed off the list, more than anything. If something comes up with his Master, health-wise, he can be sure to know that it isn't causing or contributing to anything.
But the result isn't what it should be.
“…”
Asclepius stares at the positive pregnancy test.
“…Well, this isn't good.”
***
Da Vinci scrutinizes the pregnancy test, then looks up at Asclepius doubtfully.
“Are you sure this isn't a false positive? Those can happen sometimes,” Da Vinci stares at it with further concentration, lips pulling thin, “I don't know, I'm just not sure about this. I know she's sexually active, but this seems…impossible?”
“The amount of things that should be impossible but aren't that Chaldea has a habit of running into makes me think otherwise,” Asclepius says bluntly, “With everything you all deal with on a daily basis, I'm going to take this as seriously as I can. It's too important not to,” he scowls, “And that test was something I made myself. It has an accuracy of 99.999%.”
“Well…I may be a lot of things, but a doctor isn't one of them. You have way more expertise than I do regarding medicine. What do you propose?”
“I'm contacting Master right now to tell her that she needs to return to the infirmary. Give me a second.”
Asclepius goes quiet, eyes closing. About ten seconds later, they open, and he sighs.
“She'll be here soon. In the meantime, I think it's best we figure out what to do about this.”
***
Ritsuka crosses her arms, crosses her legs, and looks distinctly unimpressed.
“It is literally impossible that I'm pregnant.”
Asclepius narrows his eyes at her, “Don't question your doctor. This test has a 99.999% accuracy rating. I made it myself, so I can vouch for its quality. You're pregnant and we need to figure out the how of it.”
Ritsuka exhales a loud, exasperated sigh of frustration, “No, you don't understand, I literally cannot be—”
“Listen, it's better if we figure this out, yeah?” Da Vinci says, “Not only do you have a, uh…boyfriend? But you have to do mana transfers pretty frequently on top of it. And with the rayshifts you go on, and how some of the Servants you summon have a tendency to be up to no good, who's to say that something didn't mess with things along the way while you were…you know.”
“It's not—ugh, fine. I guess I'll listen to my doctor since he won't listen to me. The sooner we get this done with, the better,” Ritsuka huffs, “Well, doctor? How are we handling this?”
“Give me a list of every male Servant you've been sexually active with. We'll be interviewing them to narrow down who the father could be, and from there we can figure out how exactly this happened.”
Ritsuka makes a face, “I don't really want you to know specific details about my sex life, doctor or not!”
“That stopped being an option when you got pregnant,” Asclepius drawls, “I don't care who you have sex with or what you do. I just want to get to the bottom of this. This is a medical mystery that needs to be solved as far as I'm concerned,” he opens a desk drawer and reaches in, grabbing a scroll and holding it out to her, “Here. Write down the names of everyone with a penis you've been sexually active with. It's a Mystic Code—good for making lists. It'll keep opening as long as you write, and it'll only clear once I sign my name to the bottom. I use these pretty frequently in my research.”
She petulantly snatches the scroll out of his hand like a moody teenager, “Fine. I'll go do this list, but I'm going back to my room. I shouldn't take up space in the infirmary in case someone comes in,” Ritsuka points the scroll accusingly at Asclepius, “But your test is wrong! I'm not pregnant!”
“The data doesn't lie,” he says blithely, “Now go make your list.”
***
“Okay,” Ritsuka says as she walks back into the infirmary, and she holds out the scroll to him, “I'm done.”
“What took you so long?” Asclepius takes the scroll from her with a mild scowl, “This is something we need to solve in a timely manner. You shouldn't have gotten distracted from—”
He unfurls the scroll. And unfurls. And unfurls. And unfurls.
“…”
Asclepius' hand releases the bottom half of the scroll. It hits the ground with a 'thump', rolling past his desk, rolling past Ritsuka, until it hits the door leading out of the infirmary, stopped in its momentum. There are names on it all the way down. He isn't even entirely sure that the list had been finished when it had hit the door; the scroll simply doesn't have anymore room to open.
“…” Asclepius looks at the bottom of the scroll, resting idly against the door, then up at Ritsuka, “…Are you serious right now?”
“You asked!” she responds, blushing and scandalized. Da Vinci whistles.
“Damn. I'm not even upset at how much work this made for us, I'm just impressed. I think you might rival Medb with a rap sheet like that.”
“Oh for—I'm leaving! Call me again if you need anything, but I'm hiding in Mash's room until this is all over! Word about this is gonna get out and I don't want to have to deal with that.”
“I can't fault you for that. I'll let you know if your presence is needed again,” Asclepius pauses, “Could you at least help roll this back up?”
“Ugh, fine.”
***
Achilles steps into the infirmary, looking vaguely confused. Da Vinci gives him a little wave, and Asclepius gestures for him to sit down in a chair set out close to the door, and across from the both of them.
“Uhh,” he slowly sits down, “Ritsuka sent me a message through the bond. Said you needed to talk to me about something?”
“Yes. I need you to tell me about your sexual history with our Master.”
Achilles blinks.
“Sorry, what?”
“What, are you having hearing problems or something? Tell me about the last mana transfer you had with Ritsuka. This is important and pressing information.”
Achilles looks toward Da Vinci for any answer, “Hey, uh, what the hell is going on right now?”
“Uh, I can't really give too many details considering this pertains to sensitive medical information about Ritsuka. It would be really bad if it got out, but, well, just trust me on this, alright☆?”
“Okay…but if it's sensitive medical information, why do you know?” Achilles asks, “Isn't there, like, doctor-patient confidentiality and all that?”
“Da Vinci is one of the people Ritsuka has allowed to be able to know her medical information, if you care that much. But we're getting off topic. Tell me about the last time you and Ritsuka had a mana transfer. Was it penetrative sex?”
“Uh…” Achilles shifts a little bit, still clearly uncomfortable, but he nods, “Yeah. I mean, that's the best way for it to work, right? From what I know it's more about getting connected as Master and Servant. More intimate means better transfer which means more mana. It's just efficient.”
“That's the short version of it. But did you use protection?”
“What? No. Why the hell would we do that?”
Asclepius scowls, “Because practicing safe sex is essential even if you're a Servant. I can't believe I have to tell you this, of all people.”
“Hey!” Achilles crosses his arms and huffs, “Well, she says she boils the toys regularly to make sure they're clean, so, I dunno, I have no idea what else we could be doing! I basically just leave it up to her! She seems to know what she's doing, and it still gives me mana, so I'm not gonna complain.”
Da Vinci blinks, then narrows her eyes, “Wait, toys? You're not the one who—?”
“What? Oh, hell no. She pegs me.”
Asclepius stares.
“…You've had multiple mana transfers with Master. Has she—?”
“Oh, yeah, every time. She's pretty good at it, too. Surprised me, but hey, I'm not one to complain about something like that.”
Da Vinci nudges Asclepius, and whispers, “I think we can cross him off the list.”
Asclepius sighs, and does just that, “Well, this was very enlightening Achilles. Thank you for your time. If you could find Arash and send him this way, that would be extremely helpful.”
***
“…So, in spite of the desperate situation we found ourselves in, I have sworn to myself that I would never be intimate with anyone other than my beloved Sita,” Rama says, “It is very stubborn of me, I admit…but I will not stray from this path. Ritsuka understands that, and I am thankful for it,” he smirks, “But I must say, her ingenuity really is quite something! To be able to do a mana transfer in such a way—I was never expecting it! She was very courteous, as well—a very “delicate touch”, as they say—”
“Thank you, Prince Rama, you may leave now,” Asclepius rubs the bridge of his nose.
“Oh, are you sure? Don't you need the full story to come to a proper conclusion?”
“No. That's fine. You can go.”
“Well I'm curious about it,” Da Vinci says, making Asclepius visibly more tense and miserable, “Honestly, how can you not want to know?”
“Call me a prude, but I don't really want to know what people are getting shoved in their ass unless it warrants a medical intervention.”
***
“Did you know they make ones that glow in the dark, now?” David beams, “I was extremely impressed. Her collection seems to only rival Medb's…or so I've heard.”
“I didn't ask.”
“But isn't it important information?”
“Not in the slightest. We have everything we need from you. Get out.”
***
“Anyway, I hated it but at least it got the job done,” Vortigern says, arms crossed.
“You're a known liar, so thank you for telling me more information than I needed to know about this. I'm glad you enjoyed yourself,” Asclepius says, voice dry and exhausted, and he points to the door, “Now leave.”
Vortigern stands up in a huff and murmurs under his breath, “…dick.”
***
“…and then she grabbed my hips and kept going! Such ferocity! I never knew she had it in her!” Iskandar barks out a laugh, “Looks can surely be deceiving! I may be a Rider, but by the Gods was I the one ridden that day!”
Asclepius closes his eyes, clenches his jaw, and doesn't say anything as he mentally counts to ten. Da Vinci laughs nervously.
“Th–Thank you so much for your help.”
***
“…Man, do I really have to say it…?” Mandricardo asks weakly.
Asclepius silently and furiously scratches his name off the list.
***
“H—”
“Did our Master peg you?” Asclepius asks, blunt and irritated, without even looking up at Takasugi. He hasn't even sat down, and he blinks.
“Well, yeah. She does with all the guys when we need mana transfers, right?”
“Great. Get the hell out.”
***
“…So, as our Master's primary romantic partner and, more importantly, primary sexual partner, you are our last and best hope at getting to the bottom of this,” Asclepius says, “Frankly, we probably should have talked to you first, but I think Da Vinci and I were both too mystified by the sheer length of the list Ritsuka gave us to think that far.”
Karna blinks.
“What does me being her primary romantic and sexual partner have to do with me being here?”
“I have her do a pregnancy test for her monthly check ups. It's protocol and nothing more. I'm sure she's mentioned them to you. But, this time, it turned up positive, which I can't say I was expecting. It's necessary that we get down to the bottom of this.”
Karna's eyes drift off to the side, an expression of heavy doubt on his face, “…I sincerely don't know how that could've happened, but I will do my best to help you.”
“Nothing less than expected,” Da Vinci says with a smile, “So, right down to business: what happened the last time the two of you had sex?”
“She pe—”
“No,” Asclepius interrupts sharply, giving him a downright frigid stare, “The other way around. I need to know when the last time that happened was.”
“Oh. About a week ago, then.”
“Then that's about right, timing-wise,” Asclepius sighs, scribbling down in his notes, “Did you use protection?”
“Yes. We do every time.”
Too long of doing these interviews has him at the very end of his rope, and Asclepius' composure slips. He buries his head in his hands, groaning as he rubs them up and down his face.
“Then this doesn't make any sense. Unless the condom had a hole in it, but I'm guessing you're the type of person who would check for that.”
“I am.”
Da Vinci reaches over to pat Asclepius on the shoulder sympathetically, “Maybe one of the other Servants lied? Or maybe they weren't entirely truthful. As incredibly fascinating as all of this has been, I don't really want to go through another round of sitting here and interviewing people. And some of them did really give more information than even I was comfortable with…”
Karna tilts his head slightly, “What kind of test did you give her to determine this?”
“A test I made myself,” Asclepius says, and even though he's fraying at the seams from the frustration of this whole asinine situation, there's still pride in his voice as he mentions one of his own medical inventions, “It has a 99.999% accuracy rating. I want to make sure I can get the most correct results possible to better aid my patients.”
“But that still leaves a .001% chance for failure.”
Asclepius narrows his eyes and scowls, “There's always going to be a margin for error for these things, but it's so small it may as well not exist.”
“But it does exist. There's a .001% chance that the test failed.”
“That's true, but—”
“Having her take another test would reduce the margin of error even more. Have you had her take a second one?”
“No. It didn't seem necessary.”
Da Vinci shrugs, “He's right, though. Besides, it's not like it'll hurt anything. I'm sure Ritsuka's bladder has enough for another go-round.”
Asclepius huffs, but gives in. The only other option is going through another round of interviews, and he really doesn't want to chance getting even more overly-detailed accounts of the mana transfers Ritsuka has had to do, so this will at least be a decent buffer while he figures out where to go from here.
“Fine. I'll call her in here. But I can't impress upon you enough how unnecessary this is.”
***
It's been five minutes since Ritsuka left. The room is dead silent.
Da Vinci doesn't say anything to break it. Asclepius is writing up a report, and his grip on his pen is tight enough that the veins in his hand are showing.
“…” she clears her throat, “All that time for a false positive, huh?”
“Don't,” he seethes.
“Hey, at least now you know what will happen if you and Ritsuka ever need to do a mana transfer.”
His pen snaps in half.