Actions

Work Header

Rating:
Archive Warning:
Fandoms:
Relationships:
Characters:
Additional Tags:
Language:
English
Stats:
Published:
2023-06-22
Completed:
2023-06-22
Words:
1,145
Chapters:
4/4
Comments:
83
Kudos:
451
Bookmarks:
22
Hits:
9,574

What's really happening in the oceangate sub

Summary:

Crack fic for funsies

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

"AWH SHIT MY CONTROLLER LOST CONNECTION" Stockton yelled from the front of the ship where he was steering with an off brand ps3 controller.

Paul rushed over after hearing the distressed squeals of his lover. Stockton angerly threw the controller to the ground. "Let me try" said Paul as he started jabbing the buttons with his toes. "Looks like it's out of battery".

"Fiddle sticks" Stockton yelled angerly. "My bad" replied Suleman "I was playing roblox escape the evil dentist obby" every one collectively sighed.

"I guess we're trapped down here then" said Hamish.

That's when suddenly Jack who was now a ghost appeared. "HELLO EVERYONE ONE" he yelled. Every one was shocked. "HOW ARE YOU FINE THANK YOU" he yelled. If you want out of this sub you must answer my riddle" he said.
"What's the riddle you fucking hooligan" Stockton asked. "What black and white and red all over" Jack responded in a silly voice.

"A STICK" Suleman replied excitedly. "Not quite" jack answered.

"To get to the other side" Drake answered. "Correct" jack answered. Your reward is a little kiss. Drake and jack flew off into the sun set together as bruno mars' song "leave the door open" played.

Everyone wiggled their toes in anticipation. Do you guys want to play duck duck goose Paul suggested.

"There isn't enough room" Stockton yelled now fed up with the shenanigans.
"I know who we need to call!"

"The Ghost busters?!" Suleman exclaimed. "No, but I'd bust some ghosts if you know what I mean" replied Stockton. "We need the armed detective agency!"

Chapter 2: Dazi's doggies

Summary:

Dazi to the rescue!! (he brings kenji)

Chapter Text

"WOW WHAT A DELECTABLE WAY TO DIE" yells Dazi! "I wish I had money so that I could pay for an elaborate suicide as long as I could bring along my beautiful wife chuuya of course!"

"It's dangerous out there, come inside" yells Stockton. Dazi and kenji head inside the ship and take off their shoes before sitting in the circle of lost explorers.

"We were just finishing up our game of never have I ever" Paul explained. "It got pretty spicy" Stockton added with a smirk

"So who are you kids anyway" asked Shaszada. "I'm Dazi and this is my coworker Kenji, we're from the armed detective agency and we're here to save you"

"We may be young but we have actually been researching the Titanic for a long time now," explained kenji.

"How so" asked Paul.

"We've been playing the roblox titanic together" exclaimed Dazi "we have all the game passes and have survived dozens of times"

"Oh wow you guys really are experts" exclaimed paul

Chapter 3: Francais' foot fetish

Summary:

Who else is in the sub???

Great gatsby dude is here 🙌

Chapter Text

"HEY GUYYSSS" Francis (the very rich billionaire) exclaimed.

"Francais, what are you doing here" Dazi exclaimed.

Why would I miss an opportunity to flaunt my wealth while being submerged in a tin can under water with a bunch of other billionaires who have their feet out" francais explained. "I have a foot fetish you know"

"I'm not surprised" Dazi said with a smirk, "do you like my feet"

"No I only like rich feet" Francis signed

"Anyways speaking of fetishes" dazi started to explain, "me and chuuya like to roleplay that we are Jack and Rose on the door like in the Titanic movie and then while we're on the door i say to chuuya…"

"That's nice bro but how do you intend to save all of us" Stockton said cutting of Dazi's fantasies.

"Well I actually don't know" exclaimed Dazi, "I didn't even think we would be able to find this thing and there are only enough snorkels for me and kenji"

"Let's call ranpo and ask him what to do" kenji suggested. "No" dazi said shooting down the idea,"he's with poe right now so there's no way he's even going to pick up the phone"

Who do you call when the armed detective agency is in trouble …

TBC

Chapter 4: pitbull?

Summary:

Dazi calls Chuuya for help

Chapter Text

"SOCKIES IM HUNGIES" Paul wined to Stockton "don't worry bbg" Stockton hushed "well be out soon once these lunatics decide how to save us".

Kenji and Dazai were currently hunched in the corner deciding what to do. "OH I know what to do," Kenji exclaimed and started to sparkle. "In my village we used to use a magnate tied to a string to fish old pieces of metal out of the lake maybe we could do the same thing but with a really big magnet"

"That's actually quite a bright idea." to be honest I was just going to call O'Hare and ask him if he could sell us some air" said Dazai. "But who is going to reel us in?"

Everyone thought for a moment "I know" exclaimed Francis "what about chuuya"

"Oh yes" exclaimed Dazai "my honey boo boo schrunkle pop will come to our rescue"

Dazai called chuuya who surprisingly didn't pick up so he called akutagawa who immediately answered the phone but after akutagawa started questioning Dazai on how he could help and anticipating the rescue mission Dazai got tired of listening to him. So he hung up and called Mori instead.

"Hello Dazai, what do you need?" Mori asked.

"Well we're kind of trapped in the bottom of the ocean and we need your help" dazai explained.

"Well I'm kind of busy hanging out with my other pedophile friend hisoka" mori said "I tell chuuya to help you"

Dazai's toes wiggled in anticipation as the phone was passed to chuuya. "Oh Chewy we are stuck at the bottom of the ocean and need your help to reel us in"

"I'm not helping you dumbass" replied chuuya coldly. "It's not my fault rich people wanted to play subnautica irl"

"if you do ill play adopt me on roblox with you" said dazai

"Let me go get my giant magnet" said chuuya

"BANG BANG INTO THE ROOF" everyone sang as they banged on the sides of the coke can. Kenji decided in the chaos to call pitbull for some words of encouragement

"Everyone goes through tough times belive me been there done that" pitbull sang through the phone. "But every day above ground is a great day…. Oh wait never mind". Pitbull hung up the phone.

"You all have some nice toes sirs can I touch them" Francis asked slyly.

"FRANCAIS IF YOU DONT SHUT UR ASS UP WERE GONA VOTE YOU OUT THIS SHIP LIKE FUCKING AMONG US" Stockton yelled

Everyone continued to panic when all the sudden a loud bang was heard which was chuuya's giant magnet named Michael. and the sub started to ascend.

Once on the surface Everyone went to hug Michael the magnet paying no mind to chuuya. That's when Lana del Ray appeared.

"This would actually make a great song" she exclaimed. "Trapped 2 miles under water in a tin can with the armed detective agency!"

Kenji was obviously featured in her song while chuuya and Dazai lived happily ever after role-playing on roblox!