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Chapter Text

The thing is, the seven year old knows his parents loved him. Too much perhaps, to the point where the length of the axis he learns in school is comparable to the amount of love they have for him.

His daddy gives him night kisses and never closes his bedroom door.

His dad makes him laugh and lets him eat pancakes at midnight.

So yes, happiness in the boy’s eyes is quite easy. He has a good house and two dogs named Layla and Bisco.

“But that only means you get to have two houses, Ni-ki.” His daddy tells him once over breakfast. It was not the pancakes he likes and while the young child does not comment on it, he sees the Mcdonalds paper bag tucked under a food box so he chooses to  focus back on the sweet meal.

“Who will live there?” 

There was a slight pause on Jake’s end when the child regarded him with genuine confusion. 

“Well…it’s just nice to have other houses sometimes. Bigger space seems like a lot of fun when you want to play with your friends.” 

“I only have Layla and Bisco, another house sounds too big for the three of us just to play in.” Ni-ki frowns while his daddy traps his own by wiping at the child’s mouth.

When he was dressed in his uniform where a preppy school logo was sewn on his perfectly ironed school vest, Ni-ki kisses his daddy goodbye but lingers around their threshold.

Bisco was nowhere to be found and the car keys hanging by their front door was only one. 

“Dad left early again?” 

Jake answers him with another kiss and a hug tighter than the one he gave him when he woke up.

“Mhm, just work.” With another kiss to his forehead, Jake fondly taps his bum to push him out the house and to the awaiting school bus. “He’ll come home later, he always does.”

..

Ni-ki learns that later meant cold dinners and good night kisses given at dawn.

Until it becomes a routine he now lives by. 

“Your daddy will pick you up!” The now 12 year old looks back at his dad’s car who had his hand out the window to remind the growing child. 

Ni-ki shoves a thumbs up over to Heeseung’s direction before the child runs away like he was caught on fire when the older starts to give him flying kisses by the school entrance. 

The car smoothly pulls out of the private school and Heeseung fondly looks at the kindergarten children crossing the little pedestrian upon his exit. He remembers Ni-ki in that age, all snot from his nose below as he clings around his legs during his first day.

He remembers Ni-ki’s first star when he got home to show the little stamp on his soft skin.

When the red light comes and Heeseung takes the time to check his phone, a certain warmness briefs his chest to grieve a certain name. 

With dancing fingers around the steering wheel, he clicks the familiar number now under a different name. 

His finger pauses, only for a second.

To: Jaeyun 

I found Ni-ki’s baby book the other day, let me know when you want me to drop it by. 

..

Literature and Astronomy were two things Jake had unconsciously fused into Ni-ki’s interest. Anything about the topic matter, his daddy’s name would be the answer while the child remembers learning about the Big Bang and constellations he never had the chance to really see.

As for the literature, Jake was not successful in hiding William Shakespeare’s grief to the curious little mind.

“What will you write about?” Jungwon asks an equally troubled Ni-ki who’s been staring at the blank scratch paper that their English teacher gave them half an hour ago. 

“I have no idea,” Ni-ki groans into his hand. “Why can’t we just draw? I mean, I can make a sad looking hero or a crying princess.”

“That sounds mean.” Jungwon frowns in the middle of his ramble. “And we need to practice our English writing so maybe that’s why we’re not allowed to draw.” 

Ni-ki traps his pout under his hand while Jungwon plays the part of a true friend as the other kid takes time to poke at his sides claiming that he was such a liar.

“Your parents are fluent English speakers! You’re such a liar.” 

When Ni-ki stuck his tongue out and their little happy bubble was poked by the school bell, the kid settled on giving it a rest until he can think things over by the weekend. 

..

In a month, two of those weeks he spends with his daddy and the remaining would be for his dad. Their mutual and fixed set-up clearly gave Jake more days to be with Ni-ki as his nature of work allowed him the convenience of staying at home. 

For Heeseung on the other hand, a young in demand lawyer with a name to make purposely strained his time between being an adolescent’s dad and a court polisher. Regardless, he makes sure he never reads his Reader’s Digest around the kid. 

“Daddy,” Ni-ki mumbles when the familiar high rise Jeep comes into view. His daddy was never late, always right on time when their dismissal bell rings. 

On other days, Ni-ki would be thankful to go home in an instant especially without Jungown’s presence making his school days bearable due to the other boy’s strict taekwondo lessons after school. But today, he honestly did not mind lingering around the school’s playground to think about his English output.

“Okay, I’m spotting a little frown going on up North. Is Jungwon not around?” 

“You’re seeing things.” Ni-ki was quick to extinguish as he playfully bites at his daddy’s accusing finger pointing at him. “That too but I’ll get used to it. Won seems to enjoy his lessons.”

“You want to take classes with him? I can fix a qu–”

“Daddyyyy,” Ni-ki whined and Jake falls in love with the sound. His Ni-ki sounded young like this. It made him feel like he can still wrap him inside his baby blanket and give him his milk bottle until he falls asleep with milk splotches on his cheek. 

“But you’re clearly thinking hard about something. Talk to daddy, you can tell me anything.”

“Not this,” the 12 year old shakes his head after some time. “I need time to think about it on my own.” 

And Ni-ki does exactly that. He does it a little too well that Jake had to check on him between calls because it was nearing 10 PM  and his son was still out in their garden with a pen and paper on his lap.

“Bud, I know you get a late pass on Fridays but do it inside the house.”

“A minute!”

Leaving the screen door open, Jake takes the time to place his worries on other things.

Exhibit A would be the text that Heeseung sent him earlier this morning.

And no, it was not out of the ordinary for them to randomly contact each other as they are co-parenting their child. It was not the first time Jake woke up to his text. It was not the first random text he received from the older just because. 

Heeseung contacting him was a norm. It was included in his daily routine. 

But the man rarely really texts him. Heesueng was more of a caller. Jake does not dwell further if it was because of his work or if a certain someone made him like that. 

He reads the text again, about to send his response when the sound of the screen door closing had him crossing the kitchen island to wrap the young boy in a light blanket.

“I was just thinking of something for a school project, daddy.” Ni-ki whines again as the child tries to dodge his daddy’s kisses. 

“But I don’t like seeing you all serious. It makes you look like you’re 12.”

“I am 12!”

“No, you’re not. You’re daddy's little baby.” 

Jake didn’t know where the sudden feeling came from. Maybe reading Heeseung’s text at night allowed him to visualize past nights where it used to end differently.

When Ni-ki grows tired and surrenders to his daddy’s hugs as they settle on the sofa while the older keeps his work laptop close, Jake realizes he never had the chance to send his response to Heeseung.

“Hmm, dad was sending me kisses too when he dropped me off earlier. I hate it when you guys do that.” 

Jake laughs while Ni-ki groans. 

Jake finishes texting and sends the message with closed eyes and a little heat to his cheeks now that he was able to understand why he preferred it when Heeseung called. Because when he calls, Jake does not need to look at the caller ID to know if it’s him courtesy of a different right tone specifically set just for him.

To: Husband 

You can drop it off when you pick up Ni-ki next week. Thank you for finding it, Heeseung. 

Jake reminds himself to cleanse his contacts one of these days.

..

Ni-ki was eight when the divorce was finalized. 

As his daddy’s little proposal, having two houses was quite interesting. Ni-ki remembers spending the weekdays in their original house where his daddy is, then he spends the weekends in the city where his dad’s bachelor pad enabled him to understand how a city life functions. 

It worked and it was fun when he had school to worry but when summer comes and school temporarily ends, Ni-ki starts questioning things. 

Which he might’ve already known but chose to ignore. 

“There’s this art event that Jungwon and uncle Jongseong invited me to, they said we can only join if our parents come.” He says over dinner while Heeseung chuckles at his sauce-covered cheeks. 

“What day does it fall on, bud?” 

Ni-ki pouts around his spoon because he knows the answer his dad would tell him. Heeseung feels it from across the table as he was quick to coax the younger.

“It’s on a Monday and that is daddy’s only free day too.” 

Albeit the heaviness inside Heeseung, he makes the situation lighter. “Then Monday it is.” 

“But will that be alright?”

“Of course it’s you, why won’t it be alright? My work can wait.”  

It somehow can’t, Heeseung knows. 

“No, you and daddy.” Ni-ki started playing with his cranberry juice that Heeseung placed in a little plastic wine glass for him. “You and daddy would be there together so I’m asking if that would be okay.” 

..

At 12, Ni-ki should probably be more physically active rather than scribbling away inside their attic. The past couple of nights only led him to scribbles and crumpled scratch papers as he tried to write sentences of children stories he remembered reading. 

But the results are the same. He felt icky and frustrated because something told him he wanted this English output to really be memorable. 

He should probably talk to his daddy for this but the man went out for a friendly lunch with a colleague that had his cheeks somehow red.

Ni-ki somehow knows.

Maybe that’s why his chest feels weirdly heavy.

While he does not entirely grasp the concept of divorce, he knew his parents were no longer together. He understands their situation best and the type of love his parents have for each other when he gets picked up from each house.

It’s how his daddy would always place two sprays of perfume behind his ears when his dad would pick him up even when it’s nearing midnight. 

Or how his dad would always purposely hide his daddy’s keys when he picks him up from his bachelor pad so the other could waste more time giving him easy recipes to make for on the go meals. 

Those moments are cruel little prisons that Ni-ki loves and hates at the same time. He loves that those moments exist, and he’s able to see a glimpse of what his life used to be when they were still together. 

But he hates it now when he knows they’re not together anymore like that but he’s able to wake up to days where he thinks they could still be. 

When he’s reminded of the internet, the child runs to Jake’s home office where his work computer is. Slim fingers tinkered for a while, hovering the cursor awake to a desktop wallpaper that had Ni-ki’s conflicted heart aching again.

It was a picture of the three of them which he did not remember. 

But they looked happy. He was happy there too, probably the happiest baby with his cheeks squished between his parents’ lips. 

When the webpage loads, he ends up typing about poetries. 

And he cries. 

..

When Monday came, Ni-ki half bounces on his seat during their English period.

They were set to present their outputs today, the one Ni-ki was praying hand and foot for the whole weekend. When the presentation officially started, Ni-ki finds his hand inside Jungwon’s under their desks. 

“What did you write about, Won?”

“I wrote an acrostic poem about Maeumi and my dad’s love for corn.” The two kids snicker over their little claps.

“What did you write about, Ni-ki?”

The paper was light inside his hold. All fragile, soft and too tender to fold.

“I wrote a letter about the kind of love my parents have.” 

When it was Ni-ki’s turn and their hands separated, the whole room went silent when the young boy opened his mouth.

And when it ended, his homeroom teacher’s cheeks were wet, and the claps were oddly weak. As Ni-ki goes back to sit, Jungwon whose own eyes were red at the brim, wastes no time to reach for his hand again to hold it under the desk where their fingers fit. 

..

The drive to Jake’s house, which was also their old family home, was always a breather for Heeseung. It was a little private estate where greens on both sides of the road extended to equally fairly large residential houses. 

The sight always feels like home despite years of not living here anymore. Even more so when he pulls up in their driveway and sees Jake’s car, Heeseung oddly feels like time does not run here and when he goes down and knocks at the door, he can still kiss Jake while he shouts that he’s home.

Maybe the world was just too silly because he ended up doing the latter with a heavy tongue.

“I’m home!” It was out before he could feel his mouth. Heeseung knew Jake heard it with the way the younger rapidly checked on the little hallway they had to confirm who the person was.

When their eyes met, Heeseung sincerely hoped the time indeed regressed. 

Because Jake stood there with pink cheeks, a little flour on his forehead and so  stunning. 

“You had me there,” Jake visibly deflates with a hand to chest. “I seriously thought it was Ni-ki whose voice completely changed overnight.” 

Heeseung fights to take his eyes off the other. “Oh, he’s not yet home?” 

“He went to watch Jungwon’s first tournament. They’re celebrating right now so there’s a little delay.” 

It was never really awkward between them. But then again since their separation, he was not one to yell, “I’m home!” ; especially when they’re divorce was four years old. 

“Coffee? I baked some pastries.” It was Jake’s customary greeting to him every time.

But he remembers it in a way that was more. Where five years ago meant the same question being asked upon his arrival, only to be followed by a sweet kiss by the threshold. Of soft hugs, soft fingers by his nape and tender skin of hips and lips on his cheek. 

Heeseung gulps, forces a nod and looks away. His chest, entirely too warm. “Sure, just decaf.”

When half an hour passes and they run out of formalities to talk about, Heeseung excuses himself upstairs after doing the dishes. 

Jake stays downstairs, reasoning about a phone call from an overseas client he can not miss.

When Heeseung arrives in the attic and sees the frame of their wedding picture tucked carefully in one corner, he doesn’t miss the sweet ache that prolongs his steps forward. The room smells earthy and not. He knows it’s being used and a lot when he spots some of Ni-ki’s belongings at one side where a makeshift blanket fort was poorly set up. 

His son’s old toys were also spread around one corner near the box of baby toys he also once owned. 

He spots Jake’s old soccer ball.

Beside it, he spots his old guitar.

“Life can really be cruel, huh?” Heeseung savors the voice and follows the sound to see Jake by the door. “Ni-ki has stayed here a lot these past few days. Something about a school project had him worrying for days.” 

You kept my things, why? 

“I figured, he sent me a voice message the other day asking for the Geronimo Stilton adventure books he left in my office.”

Jake nods briefly, a small smile on his lips as he casually walks in too. 

“You…” Heeseung starts when he briefly eyes the old guitar. “I was surprised, it’s here.”

“You were looking for it?” 

“I was but I keep forgetting to ask when I drop Ni-ki off.” 

Jake carefully walks around the covered boxes to get the guitar. The lack of dust told Heeseung it was also regularly cleaned; and that mere information had him stunned.

“If you can’t find things you used to own, it’s probably here .” Jake says, while everything in him aches. 

Before Heeseung could open his mouth to say anything that could possibly make the situation lighter, Layla comes barelling in with playful barks.

Heeseung remembers momentarily jumping out of his skin along with Jake’s chuckles in the background as he carefully places the guitar against the wall. 

He remembers Jake calling the dog to stop it from going through Ni-ki’s things, remembers the last tug at his jeans before a series of barks and Jake’s voice infiltrated the one quiet space.

“Layla, give that back! Ni-ki’s going to throw a tantrum when he finds his things flipped!”

When his senses came back, Heeseung was quick to turn around to do his own damage control only to see a quiet looking Jake who had his palm against his mouth.

Layla was now by their feet, eyes looking at them with a pitiful shine. 

“What happened?”

“This is Ni-ki’s…” it was murmured softly, almost inaudibly as Jake held the little letter in his hands. 

When Jake finds the courage to look at him, his eyes were wet and hands trembling to hand him the letter that their son wrote. 

It was a little crumpled now but the heaviness told them it was cared for. A small envelope accompanied it too where Ni-ki’s unmistakable chicken scratch paraded the paper with words enough to stab them bare.

A stick figure family of three was drawn on the front, where two dogs stood on each side. 

This is an open letter to a lucky (or not) stranger who will get to know the kind of love my parents and I have for each other. 

To: whoever gets to read this

From: Ni-ki

Dear stranger,

I found a poem in my daddy’s computer that made me incredibly sad.

It was written by Warsan Shire. 

The poet said that she has her mother’s eyes and father’s nose.

And that on her face, they are still together. 

I neither have their eyes nor their nose. 

But I have my daddy’s smile and my dad’s laughter.

Every time that I’m happy, they are still together.

Sincerely,

Nishimura Sim-Lee

Chapter Text

“We need to get them back together.” 

The two 12 year olds sat across from each other during one of their odd lunch breaks when the cafeteria would serve gelatos for dessert. It was three days after their English presentation where Ni-ki had his whole class in awe at the open letter he wrote.

The child dismisses the memory of his teacher calling him to the office right after to inquire about his situation at home.

“Right,” Ni-ki looks at Jungwon like he just told him Maeumi could answer their Math homework if he puts his mind to it. “Like it’s that easy.”

“It is THAT easy!” Jungwon exclaims with reddened cheeks. “We can even ask my dad to help us.”

“Uh-huh, let’s leave uncle Jongseong out of this.”

“But–”

Ni-ki sighs before deflating on his seat at the thought of Jungwon’s little proposal. His friend’s initiative warmed him to the ends of his fingertips but the idea was not new to him. He’s thought about it countless times already. Maybe even at the tender age of eight when both his daddy and dad were finalizing the arrangements of their co-parenting and he’s able to realize just what having two houses really meant.

“Look, if you being happy makes them happy then I don’t really see why getting them back together would be a problem if that’s clearly the one thing you would ever want to happen.” Jungwon takes time to process his own words, both of their eyes frowning as their little adolescent minds boggled over such big words.

“Too many words for me to understand.” Ni-ki sighs into his hand although he kind of gets the hang of it. Jungwon only smiles in return and half shrugs now realizing just how silly their conversation is.

“You sound like an adult.”

“Being an adult must suck.”

The two boys said over each other as they sip on their juice boxes while the little plan sits funnily inside their minds. 

..

College really was an event of interference for a lot of dreams. It’s a ‘make it-break it’ realization of pushing forward or the harsh realizations of settling for what’s already been started.

It was the same for Jake and Heeseung by the time they got their college diplomas sitting warmly inside palms of uncertainty. 

Inside Jake’s palm resided a life of architectural art that his family would hand over to him as their only son.

On Heeseung’s palm lies a challenging life of starting from scratch–of making a name for himself in the legislative scene. 

Maybe that’s why it didn’t work out. 

“You have your whole life planned out and handed to you out there while I’m just building mine. Don’t you understand where that direction would lead us?” Despite slender fingers around thin rings of young marriage, it was probably not enough to mend such differences.

“But we’ll make it work! We always do. We’re going to be there for the each other when–”

“Jaeyun, your world is too big for me.” Jaeyun remembers the first time he heard that specific line. How it was said over a cold dinner and the most bitter wine while their eyes ache. 

He remembered Heeseung coming home from his first courtroom proceeding assignment as a research assistant for their district’s magistrates. Jaeyun should’ve known those tired eyes meant more than the excuse of a three hour sleep. 

“How is it big? We only have Ni-ki and the dogs. No one can ruin that as long as we’re together.” Jaeyun says it in a way that aches, in a particular manner that allowed Heeseung to grieve a time where that phrase used to be enough. 

After all, Ni-ki was a choice, and the dogs were the postgraduate dream of playing house they wanted to keep. 

“And we can still have them even if we no longer are.” 

That was probably one of the hardest things Heeseung had ever uttered in his life, second to legally defending guilty clients.

..

“Daddy went on a date the other day.” Ni-ki timidly says over dinner as the child plays around his noodles that on other days would be cleared in a heartbeat. “And one again today.”

Ni-ki watches Heeseung’s eyebrows raise at this. “Really?” 

“Really,” the 12 year old tries to casually nod like it was not that much of a big deal while his growing toes curl under the table. 

“Did his date knock on the door or he let your daddy walk over to his car?” 

“He knocked on the door and made him laugh.” 

Oh

Heeseung finds himself wiping his mouth clean before reaching over to his young son to do the same. While the adolescent whines against his dad’s care, Ni-ki doesn’t miss the way his dad’s face looked harder. 

The young lad traps in a smile before slurping the remains of his dinner. “But that made me feel good to see daddy laughing like that. Lately, he’s been extra worried about the things I do and I don’t know…it’s just nice to see him relax a little bit.” 

That particular truth was not lost to Heeseung. Now that he’s able to remember what has transpired the past weeks, his airways seemed to enclose at the mere knowledge of what his son’s letter entailed. 

“Dad?”

Heeseung blinks at the young face contorted with confusion. Ni-ki at 12 was truly a blessing and pain to witness when Heeseung’s fondest memories of those soft cheeks would always include a smiling Jaeyun. 

Jaeyun peppering those soft cheeks with gentle kisses while a 2 year old Ni-ki sucks on his pacifier as they both clean their email drafts at 4 am.

Jaeyun blowing raspberries on the smooth skin every time a screeching kindergarten Ni-ki would run inside their shared little apartment when he comes home from school.

Jaeyun whispering soothing kisses to their son’s soft cheek during their first night in their own house and the first conjugal property they ever purchased as husbands when the young child found the generous space quite overwhelming for him to sleep in.

“Dad? You’re blinking rapidly, are you hurt?” 

Heeseung has half a mind to say yes in a silly way that was true. “Uh…no bud, dad is just–you know what, why don’t you play with Bisco while I do the dishes tonight? It’s your free pass.” 

Ni-ki looked like he wanted to counter the pass but decided to take it when he remembered how Jungwon and him picked on each other’s fingers during their lunch break. For some reason, he wanted his friend’s touches to linger on his hand. 

The 12 year old smiles, although shaky and unsure. “Okay! But call me if you change your mind because there’s this new lego set that Jungwon showed me and washing the dishes gives me the strength to ask you for it!”

Smiling at his son’s cheekiness, Heeseung dismisses him with a soft pat before letting an imaginary Cumulonimbus cloud settle on top of his head. 

Daddy went on a date 

Jaeyun, the other father of his child, went on a date. 

With someone who’s probably one of his work colleagues. Someone who made him laugh. Someone who knocked on the door of the house he used to kiss Jaeyun against.

Someone who’s not him. 

The sound of a plastic spoon breaking brought Heeseung back to the dishes he insisted on doing. Bisco’s little barks along with Ni-ki’s shrieks filled the silence of his bachelor pad which somehow eased the tingling jaw he was starting to sport at the revelation of his son.

“Four years,” Heeseung reminds himself silently as he rinses the plates that he and Ni-ki used. “A four year old divorce.” 

Heeseung frowns at the initials written under the plates only to realize a couple of seconds later that the fine china set was actually a wedding gift that was given to Jaeyun.

“JSL,” Heeseung whispers as his fingers trace the short initials. He eases his mind with the possibility that it was probably just an acronym that Jaeyun wanted to use to mark the plates with so they don’t end up losing it. 

But when a tired Ni-ki comes over a little later with an equally tired Bisco trailing behind him as the 12 year old holds his working iPad while he facetimes Jaeyun for the night, Heeseung was certain there was a pinch of longing as he eyes the man on the screen.

“Daddy just got back from his date.” Ni-ki whispers to him when he hands him his milk after wiping his hands dry. “He told me it was fun.” 

“He looks more tired to me.” Heeseung whispers back. “Don’t you think so, bud?”

Ni-ki only answers him with a grin. 

..

The silly little push and pull didn’t really stop there. Proceeding with their living arrangement, it was only right for Jake to expect his child by the end of the week, especially since he’s set to attend an international conference by the next one. While it was convenient to have Ni-ki spend this week with Heeseung too, Jake wanted to have his son for a little while before he goes away. 

But funnily enough, he found himself sitting inside Heeseung’s own office where he now eyes their small family picture sitting cozily on his desk. 

Something sails inside Jake as he takes note of the printed youth in the little photograph. It was Ni-ki’s first birthday with them where they traveled overseas for the first time as a family of three. The two pups were pampered by each side of their family so the only worry they had at that time was the little infant who likes to wake up every 30 minutes on the plane.

“Daddy!” Breaking out of his nostalgic reverie, Ni-ki’s voice covered the pristine office that Jake used to see on Lifestyle magazines that Heeseung used to go through before. 

It makes him smile to see it in person as he receives his son fondly. “Why are you all sweaty?”

“Uncle Hoon played Outlast with me. He ended up asking me to accompany him to the bathroom!” 

Even with the generational gap, Jake was sure being a parent of a 12 year old in this current time just allows a mandatory home for funky information to course through his system just because. “What did I tell you about playing such a horrid game? Sleeping with all the lights on for a week straight isn’t something I can afford to do this week. I have a conference to attend, remember?”

“Daddy, it’s a game. I won’t let it get to me.” The child shrugs with confidence as he bravely gestures to the windows where the sun is still up high.

“And where did that phrase take us, little man?” Jake fondly rolls his eyes as memories of him rocking a 10 year old Ni-ki to sleep because of multiple nightmares from horrendous video games that Sunghoon used to supply his child. 

Ni-ki only laughs with reddened cheeks while his sweaty forehead glistens. Before Jake could nag the kid again, the door swiftly opens where an identical looking Heeseung comes in.

The ominous pattern of something close to a pendulum beat shakes inside Jake as he takes in the sight of Heeseung’s loosened tie, folded long sleeves by his elbows with two of the buttons undone. While his hair was a little bit disheveled from up front, his slacks and button up remained neatly tucked and ironed. 

“Hey,” Heeseung breathed out as a bead of sweat tickled the side of his face. 

Jake wants to say it back but suddenly, there was no Ni-ki lingering around them and he’s reminded of days where he used to see the other in this way. Just more young, exclusive and intimate .

Those were the days where Jake was able to clock out earlier and he’d drive straight from his family’s architectural firm to the local court office where Heeseung was a judicial research assistant. Jake remembers the time where the exact scene plays out and he’s seated inside a cubicle office instead of a private one. The air condition was awful then, the air was humid but the heat he felt was not comparable to all the times Heeseung would walk straight to him in his work clothes.

“You’ve been waiting long?” Heeseung always used to ask him before while the older would drag his tie off before walking towards him with a boyish grin. Jake would always answer him with a barely there nod while slender fingers would reach out to his warm neck for a much needed after work make-out session. 

It was Ni-ki’s weight on his lap that brought Jake back to his current timeline where he’s not able to do that anymore. 

“Did you just arrive?” Heeseung asked him, now ringless and very much not his. 

Then Jake nods because what else could he say when he was just intensely daydreaming about their past rendezvous some seconds ago? Ni-ki shifts in his lap at the lack of words between his parents so the younger man takes it upon himself to ease the atmosphere by making things more…

“You got a new secretary?”

...interesting

He can see the instant deepening of Heeseung’s frown at his question once the older man was seated comfortably on his office chair. Despite the urge to hand a face towel to the other now that he’s aware of the booming centralized air conditioner, Jake traps his mind to the topic he insinuated himself. 

“A different person received me at the reception area.”

“Oh,” a quick acknowledgement washed over Heeseung as the man quickly recovers and nods. “The regional headquarters was short so we had to let go of some of our people. The pay is good for a public office.”

Only Jake does not find it in him to understand any of that. Mind still boggled over his thoughts, his mouth strings out what his cognitive space restricts him to. “He calls you Heeseung.” 

Ni-ki shifted again in his lap followed by a little cough. 

“It’s Sunoo Kim,” Heeseung coyly beams like the name should ring a bell and put him at ease. “He’s been my colleague since the RA days at the court.”

At ease

Jake was quick to place his son down beside him now that there’s a part of him that admits to wanting to be at ease as he seeks confirmation from his ex-husband at that. And adding to the inflicted wound, he’s starting to remember who Sunoo Kim is. Jake feels his stomach tightening as he reaches Ni-ki’s back to wipe some lingering sweat off. 

This was clearly a matter that should not be discussed in front of their child. Or even at all. 

It was Jake’s turn to mutter a passive, “Oh” before he gets his bearings back and goes straight to business. Only he was not aware that Heeseung wants to have some words too. 

“What day will you be leaving?” Heeseung asked while the older hands Ni-ki’s things from his car. “Ni-ki told me he’s planning to watch Jungwon’s game over the weekend and I figured it might be the same day you’re bound to leave for your conference.” 

“It is so I was planning on dropping him off on the way by Saturday since I promised to take him to his grandparents on Friday and—wait…” Jake stops midway now that he placed Ni-ki’s things inside his car. “I was just about to tell you about the conference today.”

“Ni-ki blabbered it out when you called him after your little date .” He turns to find Heeseung leaning on the private garage with a neutral stance.

Oh

And what was this sick feeling of satisfaction when he took in the sight of Heeseung’s jaw? 

Nodding his head, Jake confirms it quietly. “Ah, just some colleague wanting to catch a quick dinner. I was free that day.” 

“Good for you, that sounded nice.”

“Yeah, it was.”

“Good,”

“Yeah, good.” 

Heeseung continues to stare around. Jake does too albeit his eyes falling at the older’s jaw that seemed to clench because of the centralized air conditioner of the private garage parking.

Something in Jake warms at the thought of how far his ex husband has come when all of this used to be murmurs against warm ears over chilly breakfast and late dinners.

Maybe it was still a good thing. 

“You?”

“Hm? Me? What about me?” Heeseung was quick to throw back when Jake opened his own inquiry. Ni-ki’s things were set in his own car and they really had no other business to discuss other than his weekend departure. 

“No dates for Ni-ki to gossip over to me?” Jake words it casually despite his stingy ears.

Heeseung’s fit of coughing should probably be enough to answer somehow but the uncertainty places his mind elsewhere. 

Jake was starting to feel uneasy with his misplaced feelings for the day. So he withdraws and recoils the look of curiosity that was starting to cloud Heeseung’s face. “Don’t answer that, as long as it does not affect Ni-ki then let’s keep it to ourselves.”

Heeseung does not counter him and only offers a nod. Jake knows he was going to have some trouble sleeping that night. 

..

Before getting dropped at Jungwon’s mini tournament, Heeseung watches in fascination how his young son was carefully carrying an extra snack box in his other hand. Warm and proud at the thought of his child being such a good and caring person to others, he fails to notice the young eyes staring at him with a growing frown.

“Why are you filming me with those eyes, dad?” Ni-ki’s frown deepened the longer he stayed inside the passenger seat, unable to go out because Heeseung kept the doors locked. 

“Hmm?” Still a little lost, Heeseung passively hums as he continues to film a frowning Ni-ki who got both hands occupied with the food bag and a little banner with Jungwon’s name on it. 

“I need to go now and you keep on recording me.”

“You look tall these days.” 

“Dad, I’m still sitting.” Ni-ki deadpans after squirming to get away from the recording device. “That’s it, it’s about to start and I need to tell Jungwon something!”

“Alright! Geez, you’re such a 12 year old already.” The growing child rolls his eyes through his dad’s kisses after much squirming and whining. The moment he was out, he did not spare his dad a glance as he ran straight inside the arena with a giddy hand holding Jungwon’s banner. 

Heeseung smiles at the sight, mind overly too fond and soft at the thought of such innocence that he swore to protect whatever it might be in the future.

Similar to breathing, it was a natural reflex to thumb through his phone while he stopped at a red light. As he still sports the little smile and the delicate scene plays on loop inside his head, his finger hovered over Jake’s name like an imprinted routine when something good ends up happening.

The first ring goes on the same time he realizes what he did. 

And what he’s doing. 

“Hello?” The familiar voice panted after three and a half rings. “ Hey, something happened?” 

Heeseung stills while the voice continued to penetrate his ears like a mandatory song that hailed him to sleep when he was an infant.

“Heeseung? What’s going on?” 

He opened his mouth but then what? What would he say? Heeseung never really calls ever since their separation. At first, a deep personal reason lingers because of a relapsing risk when he hears the other’s voice.

But it’s been years. 

Everyone already expected them to treat each other like mere colleagues . 

Heeseung burns at the thought as he forces out his voice. “Yeah, I-uh, I just dropped Ni-ki off now…well not now now but a couple of minutes ago? Like maybe around five minutes?”

He knows he should probably prick his gums so he could stop blabbering but hearing the other’s amused sigh fueled him to ramble even more.

“But you’re still listening so yeah, I just dropped Ni-ki off and he was holding a banner for Jungwon. It had a little heart.” 

“Really?” Jake’s voice sailed smoothly on the other end, albeit the tiredness it carries as the early sun warms the skies. 

“Really,” Heeseung finds himself agreeing excessively in return. 

His mouth itches to ask more when he hears the faint sound of chatters and a flight being called. 

“Airport?” He dares to ask then. 

“Airport,” Jake confirms with a faint chuckle when he takes notice of the pattern of their conversation.

Nobody asked why the other called. Nobody prods at the stretching silence as they continue to be on call until Heeseung reaches his workplace. 

Jake snores halfway and Heeseung carefully mutes his microphone when he needs to honk the car. 

Jake’s goodbye came in the form of incoherent mumbles about his check in luggage and the iced Americano he was not able to finish. In return, Heeseung presses his phone deeper as he carefully maps out the evident pout residing on the other’s face. 

They end the call with lighter hearts and a skyline that would be different when night comes. 

..

From: Husband

Safe skies.

[Attachment 1]

Like a speed of light, eager fingers clicked on the video attachment that happened to be a short clip of Ni-ki on his way to Jungwon’s game. His child was sporting the mandatory little teenager’s grumpy face, eyebrows meeting in solid annoyance as he whined for his dad to let him go after being smothered with kisses. Jaeyun takes time to pause, halfway out the business lounge and to the boarding gate when he realizes two things: (1) his son was growing faster than he could’ve ever prepared himself for and, (2)  he really really needs to clean his contacts one of these days. 

Chapter Text

Obviously, the plan does not maternalize the way they were thinking it inside their little minds. For the given help that Jungwon thought they could use, his father was summoned to an international conference for some diplomatic negotiations he barely had time to process before he woke up to his nanny’s cooking. 

And point two, Jongseong was more of Heeseung’s friend than Jake’s so the man would definitely find it odd to meddle with his friend’s relationship when he knows his friend’s feet crossed the “at fault” boundary more. 

“So when is he coming back?” Ni-ki deadpans with solemn eyes as he tries to appear nonchalant that one of their potential helping hands was not available. 

“Uh,” Jungwon starts as he swings his school bag on his other shoulder so his arm is free to rub playfully against Ni-ki’s. “Like…cause I heard he’s going to Australia then Italy. Are those two far from each other? They sound far…um…like maybe a month?” 

“A month?” Ni-ki stops walking, making the young taekwondo player halt his steps as well to match his taller friend. “In a month, daddy could go on multiple dates by then and there’s no way they’re going to get back together!” 

It’s been two days since Jungwon’s match that he won by ease. It’s been two days since Jaeyun’s little trip and Heeseung’s full time parent mode. 

Two days since the little phone call before Jaeyun’s flight. 

Two days since Jungwon and Ni-ki’s first time to go home without any guardian after the eventful and memorable taekwondo match of the Yang child.

Affected by his friend’s distress, Jungwon was quick to drop his school bag out of sheer panic to console the other. 

“No, hey, hey, we’ll think of something!” Jungwon exclaimed but he toned it down when he noticed how close Ni-ki’s face was to his own. Young hands caressed soft cheeks as the little fingers worked to ease the worry off. 

“This is starting to feel stupid, Won.” Ni-ki admitted through puckered lips as his face remained squished between his friend’s hands. 

“No, it’s not! We just need to find the things that they used to like about each other…or like things that could remind them why they ended up liking each other in the first place!” 

Jungwon was too positive about this. Ni-ki kept his doubt in tact and nods through his friend’s hold as he wrecks his brain for what those little things could be. 

They don't go further about the matter again. Ni-ki picks Jungwon’s bag for him and waits for the other to match his steps before he carries on walking. 

Just like the day of Jungwon’s taekwondo match where they went home together, the two young boys held hands as they crossed the road. 

And even after.

..

“A 12 year old son already? You look like you just printed your final hardbound undergraduate thesis yesterday.” 

It’s been hours of this and Jake honestly was starting to feel the strain around his cheeks. He was smiling too big, too polished and practiced that the glass of wine making his mouth deliciously ache was not enough distraction for him. 

But he was surrounded by his supervisors and the head architects of the joint project he was exclusively assigned to. It was honestly a gift and an earth shattering recognition to be included in the flawless roster, motivating his rightful dedication to stray away from the potency that his family name carried in the architecture industry. 

“I’m a pretty blessed guy.” Jake fondly brings a respectful hand up and sways it around his glass of wine as if to collect the blessing rays and sweep it to the others. “Being a father beats everything, even this.”

“Not for this one, the paycheck is pretty thick so I would cut back on those football nights in the meantime and stay back at the office after this.” The collective laughter of capitalistic humor coming from smoke rotten throats enveloped Jake. 

Leaving him no choice, he hums out a practiced laughter to cement his participation if he wanted to sell himself. He wanted this and desired to be in this position for years so if he had to force out a chest heaving laughter and popping a vein over firm handshakes then so be it, especially if it also meant a couple of more zeroes to his back account. 

When the night sailed deeper and he naturally gravitated near people his age, an unmistakable pitch of someone’s voice hailing his name with a certain familiarity brought him to a complete stop. 

“Mr. Jaeyun? From the firm a few days ago?” Wine glass halfway to his mouth, he spins to meet a man  who stimulated some of the most human emotions that’s been lying dormant for the past years if it weren’t for the little firm visit he made to Heeseung’s office recently. 

“Oh,” Jake easily slips back out of genuine curiosity to see the fox eyed beaut. “Mr. Kim? I would have never anticipated for this meeting to occur but I’m glad to have someone from my home country.”

“I get that,” Kim Sunoo laughs smoothly with practiced poise that Jaeyun dismisses the sip of wine he was craving to take. “You probably have a lot of questions but I’m attending on behalf of the firm. I also used to handle some of the client’s legislative matters during my RA days so the acquaintance is there.” 

Jake feels a twitch in his eye at the mention of the RA days so he ended up gulping the wine in one go. 

Sunoo takes note of this through a polite smile accompanied by a little tilt to his head. “Might be a little forward but I am elated to see you here. Then again, it was expected since one of the main criterias to be on board for this project is to be holistically excellent in your area.”

Jake was sure the wine was not the only thing tingling in his mouth now. 

“Thank you, Mr. Kim.” He says it genuinely too, a certain warmness prompting him to look at the other with a particular fondness. “Honestly, I lost too much to gain all this right now. You probably have no idea.”

Sunoo laughs again only this time, a certain glint in his eyes made Jake grab another wine glass from the passing tray but he made sure to grab an extra to hand to the other upon the response that he received.

“I probably have, Heeseung talks more than he looks.”

..

There were a lot of taboo matters growing up in an Asian household. You’re just cursed more if the specification of that household is an overly achiever lineage.

Somehow, Jake carried all that so the taboo triggers are engraved in his mind before he could even learn how to cross the road.

Until those taboo topics became words and names of people he knows and the ones he knows from a…far.

And funnily enough, the name Sunoo Kim at some point in his married life became a taboo topic to talk about in the Sim-Lee household. But the plot twist was only on Jake’s side: it was a one way beef he secretly established with his ex husband’s colleague all because of a bottled up jealousy he failed to communicate. 

“Who are you going with?”

“You know him, the guy three desks away from mine. Uno’s been my go to pair for district assignments. The guy’s a pretty smooth talker, even had the courage to market his sister’s homemade kimchi to the courtroom every after session.” 

“Uno?” Jake questioned over takeout boxes while Heeseung rocks a sleeping Ni-ki who was starting to look like his nanny because of how little time they spent with the toddler. 

“Uno as in Sunoo. We should really taste his sister’s kimchi one of these days. It's absolutely fire.” 

Jake visibly shivers when he remembers that particular night when the ugly feelings started to consume him. Kim Sunoo was someone he knew alright. He knows the man in a way he didn’t like and now that he’s able to look at it with greater experience and an older judgment, he realizes one thing: 

Jealousy really runs deep, with a ring or without. 

“You came here for work. Not to find more reasons why that divorce needed to happen.” He finds himself murmuring under a dawn skyline.

 It’s been a few hours after the first conference opening and the jet lag was obviously doing him some productive introspection. 

There was really no other thing for him to do but give in to the faults of human emotions. He just got off call with a whiny Ni-ki who respectfully told him off for calling him at 10 pm when he had school the next day. So certainly, it couldn’t be a sin to scroll over someone’s social media accounts out of curiosity right? People do it all the time inside the confines of their room. Jake was human too. 

“They have a picture for every christmas party at their firm.” And humans they talk.

“And at this distance, you can’t even fit a paper in between.” They talk a lot.

“This was the shit ass picture he had on his phone before, kept telling me it was Sunghoon when it was clearly someone who’s shorter than him.” 

Instead of reviewing the blueprints they were freshly given after the conference for the first site inspection tomorrow, Jake ended up spending the dawn getting to know Sunoo Kim's entire biography through his socials. 

Was he to blame? He was once a doting husband who kept his mouth shut on matters he did not have solid evidence to bring on the table. Jake was not that shallow to put malice on the people his partner surrounds himself with but there was just some odd dynamic that existed with Kim Sunoo and his ex husband that made sleeping a mourning activity of counting sheep. 

Speaking of the ex husband, his phone happened to be a canvas of message notifications from him since he landed. 

From: Husband

Ni-ki wants to sleepover at Jungwon’s but Jongseong is not around so that means one nanny to keep an eye out on two 12 year olds. I obviously said no.

Your son is throwing a tantrum over this as we speak. I’m quite surprised. 

Jungwon stayed over instead. I picked them up and we got the mandatory Mcdonalds for dinner. They’ll have fruits in the morning. 

Ni-ki said not to call him ‘baby love’ at any point in time starting now. Jungwon was lying beside him when you called. 

Jake finds the corners of his mouth lifting at the series of texts, his heart wavering at the mere visuals of the scenes and how he would pay to witness them in person again. 

When he scrolls back up and spots a photo of the contact picture he had of Heeseung, taken on the day when he passed the boards, a wave of nostalgia and longing prompted him to exit out of Sunoo’s socials. 

Heeseung never looked at the people he was photographed with. But when he was with Jake, his body was always angled to the younger’s face like an instinctual drive. 

“This is eating me alive.” Jake groaned against the satin material of his pajamas before he forced a three hour sleep to consume him. 

“Morning,” such a smooth and rich timber of voice would compel a second look out of anyone and Jake was now starting to understand that. He watched Sunoo gracefully greet the people around the table as he made his way to him. 

“Jet lag?” Sunoo casually whispers at him with a comforting smile as he settles quietly beside him around the working table where leather briefcases and crispy blueprints are laid. 

“Mhm and being a father of a 12 year old puts you in this consistency too.”

Sunoo easily laughs at that. A well mannered quake of his shoulders and a hand to his mouth also triggered Jake to straighten his posture and let the sides of his mouth curl. 

“It seems like that wine did a number on you last night.” Sunoo answered with a subtle nod, accompanied by the blossoming of his cheeks by a certain shade that Jake did not have time to scrutinize before their project head started their ground activities for the day. 

It wasn’t until later that day when the site walk was halfway through that Jake found time to make a quick call home. He was not able to get a hold of Sunoo again as the other was swept with legislative matters with the project heads just as he was in an in depth discussion with the MEP engineers regarding the observation report. 

“I’m smoked, ran out of socialization fuel after the third round of talk concerning the building permits.” Jake tried to keep his surprise at the sudden voice warming his ear when the vacant chair beside him was suddenly taken. 

He turns to look at a tired Sunoo who had an evident flush on his cheeks, probably much too similar to his own sunburnt face at this point since they have been manning this site exploration under the afternoon sun. 

“Is it because of the easement area notice?” Keeping his own grimace, Jake tried to absorb the situation with appropriate emotion.

“That and because the households near the area refuse to accept the relocation offer.” 

“Classic elite-mass model system.”

“It really is and it would probably be bigger than this.” Sunoo sighs, head lolling to the side with his phone loosely held. 

“Heeseung would have crushed this. He’s good at settling inconvenient communications before they can even happen.” The other adds, mind too toasted to really read between his words and the other meaning it can have especially when it’s Jaeyun he’s talking to. 

But the damage has been done when Jake freezes in his spot as he continues to absorb whatever Sunoo just said. 

“He’s good at settling inconvenient communications before they can even happen.” 

A minute and more and even more passed with the overly tense silence that Sunoo was now picking up. He watches Jake from where he sat, noticing how the other sports a frown so deep he was scared it was being imprinted on his skin. 

Only when their eyes met did it finally click. “He’s good at that isn’t he?” 

Sunoo has half a mind to agree before he risks a quick look at Jake’s tensed fist by the table, how his perfectly ironed polo had small creases all over and the PPE helmet was left unattended now that he was subtly pinching his skin. 

“I’m so sorry, that was so careless of me to imply without the proper context.” Sunoo immediately recoils by the second. “Mr. Sim–”

“Just Jaeyun. I might be jumping around my own set of conclusions but I think out of everyone here, you would know why calling me Jaeyun is the safest route for us to take.”

He watches Sunoo’s eyes finally catching on whatever he ended up drawing between them silently. It was like a small moment of realization and enlightenment, the moment sparking him to ask for the heavens to miraculously drop the strongest liquor on his hand to give him enough courage to finally seal this ridiculous hole he dug himself. 

“I’m well aware this isn’t the most appropriate place to say this but I am also aware that my marital situation isn’t really something you’re out of loop of.” Jake feels the slick accumulating inside his hands but he pushes through it and fires the next line in complete surrender. “On top of that, I can tell your intuition directs you to confirm the waters between us.”

And just like his previous state, it was Sunoo’s turn to burn him with silence that had him praying for any kind of intervention, even opting for one of the project heads to catch them slacking during break hours. 

“I think you’ve got it tangled up right from the beginning, Jaeyun .” 

Did he mention Sunoo Kim was indeed a layer to dismantle? The way he said his name was utterly nice, so soft and even playful to the extent that it had him raising his eyebrows challengingly. 

Sunoo’s eyes only softened before slim and pale fingers guided his eyes to the other’s phone where the device’s home screen was displayed. 

Jake finds himself frowning, hands slipping from each other under the table when he finds Sunghoon’s smiling face staring back at him. The shot was too personal and intimate for it to be taken by a close and casual friend. 

When Sunoo swipes and he is presented of the other’s home screen page this time, the last piece of the puzzle buzzes his whole being to a certain degree of warmth and ridiculous regret. Because there on the center screen was the loudest and clearest message someone could have given him as an assuring answer. 

“I should have assured you the first time I saw your eye twitch when you visited Heeseung at the office to find our desks near each other all those years ago.”

..

Disoriented, calm and enlightened all at once, Jake made his way back to his hotel suite at past three in the morning. The site walk ended hours ago right before the sun sets with half his back aching from all the back pats he received from his colleagues and superiors for presenting to make a QGIS map of the relocation area along with complete shape files.

Adding along Sunoo’s revelation, the younger—another fact he learns along the course of the day after that dreadful revelation—insisted they needed to drink away all things they ended up knowing on a random afternoon.

“So all those years ago, I was a suspected third party without my knowledge because our desks were near each other?” 

“Now, I never said that. You’re seeing it that way on your own.”

“Because you made me feel like it just this afternoon! If I didn’t show you the picture of Sunghoon and I kissing as my wallpaper, you probably ended up poking a hole through my forehead using your drawing tube.” 

Fragments of their tipsy conversations clouded Jake’s head as he gently stumbled his way inside the bathroom. The professional side of him was starting to grimace at the current state he was in: face absolutely flushed red down to his collarbones and his hair was displaced in certain directions because of the gel wearing off in frizzy strands. 

But he felt lighter than he ever did both literally and emotionally as he was able to unearth something he should’ve shoved years ago. Halfway from brushing his teeth, he pauses to nitpick at the peculiar bond that he shared with Sunoo over the course of hours just from that single clarification alone. 

There was no third party involved. No other human intervention that came between them. 

But why did that hurt more? 

“Four years, Jaeyun.” He finds himself mumbling as he spits the minty paste before falling victim to all the what ifs he used to think about when the divorce was freshly laid out in front of him on a cold morning. 

If Sunoo and no other human was not in the equation, how did Heeseung manage to find himself trekking the route like an independent variable? Did he just wake up one day and realized that life with another human was not it for him? 

Jake was done with this talk. He was done with these thoughts and talks years ago. What he has now is everything he used to dream about, even years before Heeseung.  Furthermore, now that a precious human was blessed through their short union, he has all the reasons, the willpower and motivation to live his best life because life started with him alone and he wouldn’t mind continuing it the same way. 

The following mornings were oddly life changing for him and he  was sure it was not one sided. Ever since that day, he now wakes up to a text from Sunoo containing a casual good morning greeting and a gentle reminder that he’ll be saving a seat for him at the breakfast buffet or in their intra-meeting talks with the local officials and their project superiors. 

On their last morning however, things kind of took a rapid turn that might cause Jake to go back through the depths of time. 

“I was sure I sent it to your working email. Is it this one?” Sunoo frowned as he checked his email spams to find it clean. 

Jake was sporting the same facial expression especially when the file Sunoo was talking about roughly contained the files he would be needing for his QGIS map. 

“But it’s that one.” Jake replied while he powered his laptop to open his working email, the one that his company provided along with extra agreements that he was now starting to realize. “Were you using another email?”

“Uhm,” Sunoo paused to check before a grimace started to form that had Jake grieving his morning coffee. “It’s my working email but under the firm. I think your company does not allow external sources to infiltrate your emails.” 

“I think so too.” Jake confirms when he ended up remembering his company’s system. 

“You got any extra emails I can send this too? I don’t have any external drives with me.” 

“Yeah—one second.” Pulling up another tab, that’s when the reality of being technologically challenged dawned on him. The password of his active personal email was left in his home office and there was no way Ni-ki could possibly have access to it. The only other email he readily has was the one he had during college…and that point in his life was rather eventful in the context that was of his past. 

The dread extends to Sunoo. “I can airdrop these files but the local officers would need a working email to send the other files to you. What account can you access?” 

“It’s my college email from years ago. It’s the safest and most convenient one.” Jake wants to add more but he stops there with a strained smile. The accompanying nod that Sunoo supplies also brought him a piece of relief because the other handled it with ease and familiarity. 

It was almost like Sunoo’s known him for years and he understands the matters Jake faces personally and deals with them in subtle professionalism but with care. 

“Alright, let’s use that. Equip yourself for some reminiscing though.” Sunoo gives him a final reassuring nod before the other gets to work and his old email dings to life.

And Jake hoped he was not in the middle of his workplace when it happened. Because the moment he opened the tab, the abandoned account proliferated his screen with a decade's worth of youthful sentiments, academic reverie and unread emails he was not expecting to see. 

It would’ve been something he expected only if they were emails from past group works, reminders from their school canvas and the fraternity referrals he would delete from the get go. 

Only they weren’t. The whole first page of his email canvas was filled with the unread emails from the same recipient he would rather not know now-even for just this moment. And as he grieves a finger to confirm, he gets the answer easily when he discovers that the email letters started from the first year of their divorce. 

..

From: Heeseung Lee

To: Jaeyun Sim

August 10, 2019

I actually am lost for words right now. The first time I sent you an email was me confirming your first name because you wrote “Jake” instead of your government one for our capsule report, and now I’m writing to you as someone you shared a last name with just days before this. 

Jaeyun, I would never be brave enough to say it to you but wanting out of this marriage does not mean I love you any less. You deserve someone who can readily provide for you without thinking of any transaction loans. You deserve someone who would not want a way out when his pride gets crushed. You deserve someone who would always choose to stay. 

You may never forgive me in this lifetime and that makes the two of us. 

Always yours, 

Heeseung

..

From: Heeseung Lee

To: Jaeyun Sim

November 15, 2019

Happy birthday to my dearest love. It’s your first birthday where I can’t give you morning kisses when you wake up. I bet Ni-ki is the best replacement for that. My darling, the case we were reviewing the other day was about the airing of soccer games on national television. The classic NCAA talks our fathers would mourn about when we were kids. I remembered how much you wondered if college soccer teams ever had a quota for every show that their game got broadcasted and if they paid well. 

The answer is quite interesting, my darling. I would want more than to tell you in person as we watch Manchester United win in tonight’s game. I miss you and our game nights terribly. Happy birthday again, dearest. 

Always yours,

Heeseung 

..

From: Heeseung Lee

To: Jaeyun Sim

December 23, 2019

It’ll be our first Christmas apart. Ni-ki was showing his wish list last night before I dropped him off. I don’t think you would want to know what it was about especially now that we’re almost 4 months along since the separation. But I’m glad he has Bisco and Layla. 

I was promoted the first week of December but this apartment feels cold, my darling. Happy holidays and I hope you never forget to turn the patio lights now that I no longer come home late at night. 

Always yours, 

Heeseung

..

From: Heeseung Lee

To: Jaeyun Sim

May 18, 2020

The last paycheck I received was a dream I used to have when we were still wearing our rings. That range of money is the kind you had growing up, probably more but we’ll get there. 

I sent the first half to Ni-ki’s account and the other half I plan to use to invest in a better unit so Bisco and our little rascal can play around more. Ni-ki would love to watch the city lights at night and the rushing cars and the only thing that it translates to is a penthouse suite near Jongseong’s. 

I wish both of you would be there when that happens. I’ll probably wear your shirt the first night.

Always yours,

Heeseung

..

From: Heeseung Lee

To: Jaeyun Sim

September 23, 2020

I got my first car delivered today, my darling. It was fully paid straight from my account, no monthly fees or down payments I would wreck my pants to scavenge for.  It was a family car because Ni-ki hates keeping his feet together when we test drove the Aston Martin at one of the car shows that Jongseong’s friend invited me to. Then again, you would never let me ride Ni-ki in it so it was a smart move on my part to take a classic SUV. 

I miss driving while I hold your hand. 

Always yours, 

Heeseung 

..

From: Heeseung Lee

To: Jaeyun Sim

January 14, 2021

Remember how I was a district court’s research assistant and one of the judges there was also a MU fan? I volunteered to review a 230 page case and he saw my MU bookmark so he spared me the task but promised to give me the biggest tip if they won. Coincidentally, a private lawyer (from the opposition) saw the interaction and invited me for dinner (he was a fan too). I’m lost for words, my dearest. I feel like this is an illegal movie I’m starring in. 

Said private lawyer was talking about a client’s case and he was honestly fascinated with the construction of their businesses. He didn't disclose who and what, I was relieved he was still abiding by the ethics of his job. Turns out, it was your architectural firm behind it. 

I sat through the dinner with itching mouth. I was so proud of you I finished five Sangria glasses in half an hour alone. 

We never had dinner again after I dented the man’s pockets with those drinks.

Always yours,

Heeseung

..

From: Heeseung Lee

To: Jaeyun Sim

November 15, 2022

It’s your third birthday where Layla, Bisco, Ni-ki and I won’t be able to give you morning kisses together. I bet Ni-ki’s become a bad replacement because of the teenage hormones kicking in so I hope Layla’s a good substitute. Yesterday, I was able to formally gather my small crew under a private firm I only used to see on those online papers you would read to me during breakfast. I entered the private office where a gold plaque had my name exclusively carved on it. I placed our family picture right on the center of my working desk. It was a pristine wooden desk but even more so, the smiles present in that little photograph. 

I want to call you Jaeyun starting from now because life seems too good for you now that we’re both successful but apart. But my darling, I have all these and yet, the only home I would ever want to go home to is your arms. 

Please don’t turn off the patio light tonight. Just let me come home even through that. 

Happiest birthday, my dearest Jaeyun. 

Still yours,

Heeseung 

..

A hand around his shoulder brought him back. Sunoo’s frown matched his, the other’s soothing hand kept him grounded for some time; while the sound of blueprints being rolled and drawing tubes being opened surrounded Jaeyun from where he sat shaking with moist eyes. 

“Jaeyun? What is it?” 

“I’m going straight home after this.” 

Chapter Text

Heeseung vividly remembers what shared mornings in a warm household was like. He gets it best from his parents as the youngest in his family so the pampering part was mildly lived despite some financial constraints. 

As a child, he would define it as his mother’s soup and his father’s gentle invitation for a good old basketball match over the weekend once his older brother gets back from university. 

Currently, Heeseung best understands it with a grumpy 12 year old settled against his chest with hair tickling his collarbone and chin as they wait around the arrival area of the international airport. 

“Bud, come sit on my lap so the grandma can sit on your chair.” He whispers to his adolescent who was busy keeping his eyes open at 5 am in the morning. 

“Dad,” Ni-ki whines at the thought of needing to sit on his father’s lap at his age. “But…” 

The 12 year old looks at the old woman who was standing beside them before a pout made its way to his mouth and he quickly settles inside his father’s embrace, sinking small and putty. 

Heeseung warms at the action and gestures for the old woman to take the vacant spot.

In all honesty from the arrangement that Jake told him via text, his presence was not really needed because his ex in-laws volunteered to pick Jake up since it was a school day and Ni-ki was obviously not a morning sunshine. Their last text entailed Ni-ki’s activities and what time Jake would be picking him up after his arrival but never this. 

No one told him to wait under barely there skies to welcome his ex-husband home but there he was. 

“You should buy me the lego set at this point, dad.” Heeseung heard Ni-ki’s cheeky line under his chin where the child sat, eyes drooping every five seconds. “It’s so obvious at this point.”

Heeseung pulls away momentarily to frown. “What’s obvious?” 

“Daddy told me grammy and gramps would pick him up today. Why are we here?” 

His son stays put in his embrace, half his growing body already dangling loose and his legs touched the ground. Even then, Heeseung holds the child closer to his chest while it hymns a familiar tune he was letting his heart strum to again. 

Why are we here? 

Heeseung is a smart man. From his legislative excellence and the hand he dwells in the juridical scene, there was no denying that his logic was around the rarity. So he certainly did not miss the little hints that his son was dropping all throughout the week. 

The subtle implications, little smiles and cheeky questions. 

Why are we here?

“How do you feel that we’re here?” Heeseung slowly asked, heart to his stomach as he watched his child’s face turn to a thoughtful stance. 

But Ni-ki is all the things he adored. Every smile, mild frown and childish banter of the young human, Heeseung was certain a type of love would name the amount of adoration he could give. 

His son slowly nodded. Once, twice and the third time was accompanied by a small kiss being placed on his cheek. “I’m happy that we’re here, dad.” 

Heeseung thinks he could very much define what fulfillment means. 

“Your daddy hates early mornings. I don’t think he’s going to be very happy when he arrives.” 

Ni-ki continued to surprise him when the child only laughed under his neck. His natural rosy cheeks reddening even more under the cold skies. 

“But not this one. He’s not going to hate this morning, dad.” 

Truth be told, when the barely there hours of the moist morning ends and the sun prettily rises like it knows just how monumental the morning is, Heeseung was sure he somewhat forgets that the planets ran in their orbits and the Earth continues its rotation.

Because the moment Jake walks out with two luggages in tow, a crumpled sweatshirt in one arm, droopiest eyes and sleeping lines all over his face; he was certain the very orbit disintegrated and the world somehow paused just to let them gravitate towards each other. 

A rare sense of familiarity and longing inflated inside Heeseung as he gently stood up with a sleeping 12 year old inside his arms. 

Everything felt different. From the way Jake stood there, eyes barely open and his walks lazy and tired. While Heeseung stands there, arms straining from holding their sleeping son whose drool probably nurtured fluid colonies on his sweater. 

Because halfway through, Jake stops walking and he just stares.

In return, something in Heeseung aches beautifully.  

“Morning,” Heeseung finds his voice weak but loud at the same time. The younger’s eyes were already questioning, hardened at the edges and squinted by an inch to provide a visual of a confused pup with a tilted head. 

“What’s happening?” Jake starts and tries to come strong but somehow fails when his voice shakes midway and his eyes shift to look at anywhere but Heeseung.

Heeseung sports a staged frown. “What do you mean?”

He finds Jake’s eyes trailing to their sleeping son and over to the entirety of his being wearing only a sweat set with unmatched socks. So unlike his custom smart casual fits and a frizzed gel hair which reeked of bergamot and that overly too masculine musk scent that one gets as perfume testers on a piece of paper film. 

“My parents should be standing at your spot and certainly without my sleeping son at…” Jake trails off, cheeks reddening along with his crafted frown when he checks his wrist watch. “6:30 in the morning.” 

Heeseung eyes the pretty wrist before crafting his honest answer out. “I told them I’d pick you up instead with our son.” 

Heeseung was aware of his words and the threatening lift of his mouth when he noticed the twitch in Jake’s eyes. 

The younger was still standing with a distance that could tell people they were not lovers but close enough to be acquainted. 

Jake was still standing far but near enough that Heeseung knew why those arms were bracketed inside his pockets.

“Cold?” He dares to stir the topic away.

“Heeseung, he has school.” 

“At like 8 am so we have time.” 

“He hates waking up in the morning, you know this.” 

“But he loves you enough to do it today.” Heeseung hikes the fussing child higher inside his arms despite his straining arms. The urge to say something more and adding the words “so do I” does not really fall off the grid the longer Jake stands there–eyes searching and overly too warm. 

Without meaning to notice it, the safe distance was crossed in a manner that both of them were certainly not anticipating. Heeseung stays grounded, both arms flexing under Ni-ki’s firm weight when the child mildly fusses and when he inhales to coo at his son, the air around him was too warm, too familiar especially when a personified home was reigning all the spaces he wanted to be filled. 

In front of him, tired and sleepy eyes peered up at him. They never said anything but said too much at the same time. Because Heeseung was sure, the way Jake looked at him now was the same look he gave him everytime he would come home.

“Breakfast?” Jake finally breaks when the next flight is called to arrive. The busy space urged them to start walking over to the parking lot.

“Breakfast.” Heeseung nods once, shifting Ni-ki by hiking him higher against his hip before stifling a heart wrenching smile when Jake steps closer to place a soft peck against their son’s scrunched forehead. 

..

“You didn’t tell me Jaeyun would be there.” 

The first thing Heeseung breathed on an empty stomach after going through a 300 page case was Sunoo’s frown. 

“The who?” Taking his glasses off an aching nose line, he frowns at his long term friend. “Because I should not be hearing a certain name.”

“Yes, Jaeyun Sim as in the Jaeyun who used to have your last name hyphenated Jaeyun Sim.” 

Heeseung lets his mouth open for a second. 

“But–”

“I don’t know how it went under your wits but it must’ve slipped your mind that the project he’s in is a literal multi-million project of one of the firm’s biggest clients this year. Your husband is on that level.”

“Careful,” Heeseung warns at the misused term despite the warming of his chest. 

“But you’re stupid. So recklessly unaware of what actually went down.” Sunoo huffs, the shake of his head was too intense for it to be a normal interaction.

 It must’ve been something. 

Heeseung only narrows his eyes while the other slowly sits at his office chair as if consulting was a task he was given on a death row.

“You’re making me more nervous than the district guards when I show up at the municipal hall and the parking space left is for a parallel one.”

Sunoo continues to stare at him with hardened eyes before he opens his mouth to reiterate the occurrence that had Heeseung canceling all his meetings about a law school textbook publication offer and a commercial outline. 

The last thing he allowed himself to hear was Sunoo’s aggressive reminder of the speed limit and to strap his fucking seatbelt on if he chooses to forget. 

..

Jake clocks out early on Fridays. Partly because he can after being assigned to the exclusive project which granted him more hours to work with the foreign clients. But the main one is because Ni-ki always wants to have dinner out in their backyard.

“Will that guy eat dinner with us today?” Ni-ki frowned halfway from scooping the warm pasta out of the draining bowl after hearing the faint doorbell.

Jake mirrors his son’s face as he frowns over his shoulder before wiping his hands. “No, you know I wouldn’t invite someone over without telling you.” 

“Me too and Jungwon’s with his grandparents so it couldn’t be me having guests over too, daddy.” Ni-ki raised his arms funnily to which Jake fondly rolled his eyes over, his heart warming at the little daddy murmur. 

Departing from the warmness of the early night, Jake takes caution steps to their front door where the doorbell continues to ring constantly. The unusualness made his steps falter but what was odd was the way the ringing just felt familiar.

It was like the intervals knew that he was coming. 

It was like the ringing could visualize his steps and anticipate his anxiousness behind the door. 

But it couldn’t be. 

The only other person he could think of was just…it was just so out of blue for that to happen anymore. Besides, it was a Friday and their schedules crafted rightfully for him to have Ni-ki over for two weekends since he was on a business trip. 

And Fridays for Heeseung was basically a graveyard shift at the firm, Jake was sure . 

He shakes the thought away, a distant memory of why he knew that particular fact so well actually burned the tips of his ears. Flashes of late night homecomings, heated dinners and cold leftovers while heated limbs tangled to dissipate work tension rolled some steam out of his ears. 

“Hold on for a sec!” He calls before making sure to secure a peek at the peephole.

Then he stands still, hand setting on the doorknob with a fixated twist while the other goes straight to his chest. 

Heeseung stood there, eyes frantic but calm at the same time while his knuckles knocked on the wooden door with calculated rapidness. 

Jake took a step back for a moment. The visual was a little too much for him. Not when it felt too raw. Not when just days before this right after getting picked up from the airport, he was certain he looked exactly the same the first time he saw Heeseung after knowing all of that.

The younger man finds himself momentarily stunned as the memory rolls out while his hands shake from twisting the door knob completely.

“You need anything else? Is that all your luggage?” Heeseung carefully asked as he took out the last suitcase from the trunk. Ni-ki was already deposited inside their old family home as the child mildly snored, leaving Jake to gather his son’s things along with his from Heeseung’s car.

The familiar scent of the vehicle somehow made his eyes sting even more when he recalled the specific email of Heeseung where he told him about getting the car for the first time.

“Jake?” He heard him once but for some reason, even answering to him felt too overwhelming when the remnants of those sent emails plugged his thought process. “Jaeyun? Everything alright?”

“I’m…Heeseung–I’m…” Jake found himself quickly rolling all his luggage from Heeseung’s grasp until it was situated like a barricade between them. He couldn’t find it in him to look at the other’s eyes either so he stayed head bent as he picked at his fingers.

Then what? It’s not like he can just casually roll out that he accidentally just opened his old school email and read all those emails like they were causal spam mails he can dismiss. Jake knew he was wrecked. Absolutely so to only read those after all these years when he was so damn certain that falling out of love was the ultimate illness that their relationship has fallen to. 

Heeseung was the first to break the silence. Being too good to read him no matter how many years pass. “I don’t think it’s solely jet lag. Was the trip problematic? Any senior officers we can do an ethical review on with potential mistreatment cases?”

Jake that morning found himself breaking his first smile no matter how brief and light. 

“None of that,” he finally found the strength to say. 

Heeseung only hummed an encouraging tone just to tell him that he was there, listening. That he was there. He’ll always be there. 

“I think we need to talk about something when I sort everything out.” Piecing the last remnants of his regretful fear, Jake finally raised his head to meet worried eyes. 

“Everything good with Ni-ki?” There was a certain strain to Heeseung’s voice, allowing a window of worry, of pain and uncertainty when Jake realizes that the older expected that everything that concerns the both of them should only be when Ni-ki is involved. 

“Everything is good with Ni-ki.” Jake started with a shaky sigh. It’s us. It’s us that we need to talk about. 

But somehow his heart ached when he followed Heeseung’s eyes to find them tracing along his face. 

My darling

“Are we…” Heeseung stopped midway, swallowed quite deeply before breathing his heart out as well. “...okay? We’re good, right?” 

A part of Jake could hear an extended plea by the end. Something too weak and vulnerable that his ears could miss the fear it held.

“We are, we are.” He rushed to say, hands coming up as a reflex to almost pull the older to him as an act of complete assurance. Jake only stilled midway when he was an inch away from grabbing both of Heeseung’s arms. 

“Look, I’ll settle myself first, it's probably work jitters speaking. But I’ll message you when I clear my schedule and get back on track.” Jake rushed out, cheeks heating up the longer he stood under Heeseung’s stare. “And uh, thank you for this week.”

“Of course, he’s our son.”

“I know, he’s ours.” Jake mumbled over Heeseung’s subtle claim before he let his heart peep another tearful glance. 

The last thing he remembered was Heeseung wordlessly nodding at him, the other's own eyes pleading and gloomy.

And that was exactly how they both stood there in present time the moment he opened the door. 

“Jaeyun,” Heeseung breathes out. Eyes wild and just searching as he heaved a couple of uneven breaths.

Jake wants to ask why. He wants to ask what made Heeseung drive at this hour, on this day while both their pulses raced to abnormalcy.

But a part of him knew why. It was almost like a matter of when. 

“Ni-ki’s out in the backyard.” So Jake chooses to dive straight to it. 

Heeseung answers him with a hard nod while frantic eyes search around his own. 

Allowing another couple of seconds to pass as both tried to read the room and dissipate the overwhelming tension of the sudden homecoming, Jake takes in a breather to pledge a step he can never take back. 

“Meet me upstairs in your old office room, let me just talk to Ni-ki.” 

When Heeseung reached the familiar room that used to be his work space, there was no denying the warmth and melancholy that instantly sat on his shoulders the moment he entered. 

Everything was kept in place, like it was still lived and he was coming home after a long day. It didn’t smell like old dust or those rich furniture up for termite maintenance sprays. The smell of a lingering laundry detergent and something close to a wooden garnish melted his palette senses to rest. 

He’s home. He’s finally home even as a familiar stranger. 

Nevertheless, the feeling of not belonging anymore never left a distaste in his wake. Heeseung thinks it was quite impossible as pieces of him were clipped around the room. When his eyes round the corner, the second hand law books he scraped his college allowance for were peeking at the well kept shelves mounted above the study area. In between, Jake’s architectural books filled the spaces of what was lost. 

On the other shelf, Ni-ki’s baby books and toddler flashcards filled one side while the other side was for the sports magazines that they used to collect back in college. 

Heeseung finds his footing entirely too unbalanced at the surge of emotions he was feeling all at once. It was like a kaleidoscope of time he was witnessing with every look, from his own things, to Jake’s individual interests, to the both of theirs and until it houses Ni-ki’s things. 

Even if he was no longer there, the home continues to be one because a well kept love continues to nourish it. 

How did he even manage to have the strength to walk away from all these?

“You can sit there, I can assure the mites were not able to get their munching on that wood.” Startled at Jake’s silly interference, Heeseung was quick to face the younger whose eyes already begged for some relief. 

“Seeing you in here makes me wish it was just a normal day for us.” There was a tremble to Jake’s voice when he started. The words were already heavy when he fully stepped inside the room to accommodate the open grief that Heeseung was already swimming in.

Jake continues, eyes readable and not at the same time as it traveled around the room as he spoke. “That you just got home from a really really long business trip. Bisco is still with us. Ni-ki does not whine about the car honks from your penthouse, and I can run straight to you and ask about your day in hopes that it was a lot more bearable than mine.”

“Every time I open this room, it makes me feel that you’re here.” Jake stopped just in front of him, his trembling hands were folded neatly to act as a barrier between them. “That you’re with us , that you’re still with me .” 

“Jaeyun,” Heeseung couldn’t help the plea that he himself can not exactly tell what for. A plea to be heard? Perhaps a plea to say that he is there and the house they built together remains. 

“I never allowed anyone else to call me Jaeyun unless it’s you. And I…” Jake paused, eyes brimming with wetness when he realized what he would be saying next. 

“And I hated reading it the most from all those emails you sent to my college mail. You didn’t have the right to call me Jaeyun so lovingly while you rendered my finger bare of your promise to be with me even to the depths of hell.” 

“How can you love me so well but leave me so easily just because you think being able to provide financially solely makes you a whole man? We were a team, Heeseung.” 

“Darling, I know.” Heeseung breaks, mouth stuttering as he gives in to grasp Jake’s trembling hands on his own. Hands merging to soft caresses and shy glides of familiar skin rendered the both of them silent while they basked in the warmth of finally holding a piece of each other. “But you didn’t deserve that life with me.” 

Heeseung feels the fresh batch of wetness sliding past down Jake’s face as the younger tries to angle his face away. The memory of the coldest morning where the divorce papers laid neatly next to a warm breakfast would always be enough to ruin him wholeheartedly. 

“You didn’t deserve a compromise. You didn’t deserve halves, portions and next times. It can’t only be happiness and love there all the time. Our resilience can only endure so much and validating the love we had to keep our problems at bay was just the early recipe for a life long pain. I didn’t want to ruin us any further.” 

“And what exactly did you ruin, Heeseung? I knew life was never going to be easy but having you there with me made me feel like it can be. Your way out certainly did not stop the damage, you just gave it time to wreck two people who loved you regardless of the food you placed on the table.”

The older of the two was at a loss for words. He understood Jake’s pain but he wanted the younger to understand that marriages could not solely operate with only love and understanding.

He wanted Jake to understand that it wasn’t just his pride that took the beating, it was also the fear of losing the younger when the reality of life curbs them all at once and he realizes the same thing.

“But I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you if  you end up realizing that I can only be enough.” 

“Enough? Baby , I wanted you then even when we were in college sharing one packet of ramyeon and beef jerky at most.  And I wanted you then even when our first apartment had multiple water leaks that you would secretly fix at dawn while you studied for the boards. Do you honestly think money could buy me someone like that?”

“No–but you didn’t deserve to have me at my worst. You only deserve to have me at my best when I could provi–”

“But I want all of you.” Jake cuts him off in a heartbeat. Eyes looking straight at him, their fingers blended to a grip he couldn’t be bothered to worry a vein for despite their tinted skin from the kept blood.

And Jake decides to reign his final blow. “I want every side, every flaw, and next times. I want calloused hands before smooth ones. I want tear stained cheeks before victory parties. I want every rain and storm before the afterglow of comfortability where I can hold your hand just a bit tighter that I knew I did not once let go of.” 

Ghosting warm palms on either side of his face, Jake directed Heeseung’s face to his own and until he could feel how deep the other's breath came. He wanted Heeseung to understand that while the world bleeds for both tangible and intangible things, his presence is a constant commodity he can avail once and own for the rest of their lives. “It’s four years too late but that’s all I want, my darling .” 

Heeseung can count the number of times he cried in his life. He could count it by hand before meeting Jake. 

Then after, the human activity was a reflexive coping to hide his cowardice love–one that was entirely too strong he wanted to deprive himself of for the fear of not being the best.

But he’s human. Not everyone can perfect a role. Not everyone can smoothly navigate life. He’s just a man in love. A man with too much to give and too much to lose. 

Heeseung decides he couldn’t live another day worrying about a balance between the two. He wants it all–the worse, the in betweens, and the best. 

Crippled to speak anything more, Heeseung frees his arms from the loneliness of his own limbs and finally brackets it around the person he calls home.

Chapter Text

No one talks about the changed routines or altered cycles. 

Park Sunghoon keeps his mouth clipped back at the law firm when the clock strikes 6 in the evening and he finds Heeseung rushing to pack his briefcase and papers for a night read. 

In the parallel way but different time, Ni-ki does the same with a hand under his chin and he frowns at Jake for pushing a warm glass of milk towards him when it was barely 9 in the evening.

“You do know I sleep like way past 10, daddy.” Ni-ki subtly sucked the insides of his cheek when he noticed how preoccupied his father was from checking his phone while he stirred a pot of pesto pasta at again, 9 in the evening right after having their dinner. 

Jake heard his son and not at the same time, his other finger hovering over his screen while the other blindly stirs the pasta water. 

“Daddyyyyy…”

“I heard you the first time, young man. Give me a moment, let me just—-” Jake trails off as he squints to type a response again but this time, it was accompanied by a subtle glance to Ni-ki’s side to check if the kid was drinking his milk.

Ni-ki smiles underneath his palm.

“Well then I’m done with the milk. Can I play with Layla for a bit up in the attic? Jungwon wants me to show him something too.”

At this, Jake whipped his head to face his cheeky son who was already extending the now empty glass of milk towards him. The milk mustache was heavily evident and the sight significantly warms Jake so before he could get ahold of himself, he was already holding Ni-ki under his armpits to pepper some loud smooches on the thrashing kid.

“Daddy! You’re so—-uhhhh!” 

After the gentle trashing, a forced kiss on his cheek and a promise of a 30 minute screen time, he lets Ni-ki go with giddy limbs he was starting to hate because of how reflexive and natural it felt. 

With heated cheeks and ears, Jake feels a moment of guilt when the timer for the pasta noodles went off. 

He knew it was only a matter of when for Ni-ki to ask about why he cooks after their dinner, once every week. Especially the day before Heeseung “should” have their son. 

It’s been a month since Heeseung and him had the talk. And it translates rightfully so that indeed, time is a powerful catalyst for instilling change—even the biggest most extensive one that looked particularly answerable through a miracle. 

I’m already here, parked two streets down. 

But here they are. 

Jake bites his bottom lip after reading the text. The pasta was already draining while the pesto cream deliciously enveloped the walls of his kitchen. After checking his wrist watch, he maps out a careful interval before simmering the cream down to clock Ni-ki out for the night.

..

Upstairs, it was as if the child felt the shift in the air and the skip to his father’s steps as the man threads his way upstairs even when the occasion was not witnessed physically. 

“But I could be wrong.” Jungwon shrugs from the other side of the screen as the two kids facetimed each other (under Jongseong’s subtle supervision as he sits beside Jungwon without Ni-ki’s knowledge).

“No, I get it. No one cooks way past dinner time unless they’re having people over.” Ni-ki nodded thoughtfully while Layla snored away on his lap. 

It was as if an enchanting spell was placed on him for feeling sleepy too, a very rare thing to happen especially when he was talking with Jungwon who was on his three day absent streak from a mild flu.

“It’s whatever at this point, Won.” Ni-ki dismisses and gives in to his sleepy spell. “Will you be able to go to school on Monday?”

“Pft, I hope so. Dad’s getting annoying smothering me so much like I can’t feed myself.”

“Jungwon Yang-Park!” Ni-ki hears a subtle hiss from beside his good friend on the other end. A mixture of amusement and worry washed over the kid as a few chuckles escaped from his mouth.

“Uncle Jongseong, I hope you know it’s bad to eavesdrop.”

“See! I told you, Dad. Give it to—-ugh I do not! Idon’tmisshimshutup !” Ni-ki tries to make the grumble of words from the other end before dropping the call just right in time for Jake to knock and announce that it’s time for bed. 

“On it! Layla drooled on me too!” Ni-ki answered back when Jake popped his head inside to fetch his son.

“Now off you go. Make sure to scrub those sugar cookies you had off your teeth, young man. I’m going back upstairs later to check on you.”

The 12 year old fights to ask what his father’s plans are for the night. Then again, it’s not like it happened for the first time. 

That’s what makes everything interesting after all. So with one last lingering smile and a soft kiss to Jake’s cheek, the child quietly retreated to his room for the night. 

Standing still behind his son’s door, Jake waits for the sound of the knob closing before he tiptoes back down by taking two steps at a time to go to the front door just right on time when his phone pinged again. 

But he didn’t have time to check it when a familiar knock rounded the thick mahogany and Jake found himself with buzzing hands opening the door without another thought or a cautious glance at the peephole.

He only opens it with ease along with a clipped breath and very red cheeks when he locks eyes with the person upon opening. But he doesn’t get the chance to absorb the scene when the person easily slipped inside even when the door was not fully opened yet, sealing Jake to anticipate by the side as he now stands chest to chest with the other.

“Hi,” the man breathed out with eyes a little too eager for the time of the night.

Jake wanted to nod, the trust he has for his voice dissipating when he noticed the undone buttons on the man’s dress shirt so he only replied the same greeting back. 

“Hi,” 

It should probably be followed by Jake asking the man to place his work coat by the rack or remove his shoes but the other was already on it like a mandatory skill he perfected with familiarity. 

“I-well…have you eaten?” Jake starts when the man grunts another breath and manages to slip into a warm pair of house slippers that was kind of rightfully his (Jake ended up buying it last week). 

Frowning, the other shakes his head and grabs at his stomach with a subtle silly implication. “I had like one turkey sandwich for lunch because I knew a home cooked meal was going to be my final destination tonight.”

The question was indeed silly especially when this somehow already became a routine in the past month. 

So Jake adds a little match to the starting fire. “Ni-ki’s already in his room, probably asleep.” 

“Mhm, tough day at school?” He nods as a reply when the man levels him in the eye for a quick second. “Probably asleep? We can work around that.” 

“Lee Heeseung,” the name was out of his mouth along with the spontaneous heat spreading around his face. 

Tired eyes and the warmest smile, the older man only gave his arm a light but playful squeeze before he was softly led to the kitchen where the warm pot of pasta was already waiting for them. Just like old times. 

It certainly did not happen like a struck of lightning was enough occurrence to switch things up. It was not a one night thing where after talking it out, things just resumed like a divorce was not annihilated between them and they had to heal years worth of longingness, pain, misery and just everything that comes with needing two homes for a growing 12 year old who they would do anything for. 

Reconstructing a home needs a refurbished foundation—one that was stronger than the last and a resiliency that was not solely built on endurance. 

“How was your day?” And anyone could ask that but not entirely so when you have pasta sauce smeared somewhere while in your house clothes with onion smelling fingertips as you bumped bodies with an equally tired one from a 9-5 job. 

“Corporate job equals a fuck-a-ton of unreasonable workload.” Jake traps a groan in but fails as he tries to scoop more to Heeseung's plate. “And it’s definitely not equitable.” 

“I would know.” Heeseung’s laugh extends to him by an inch as the older man stands in front of him by the breakfast counter. 

The scene and how close everything is somehow brings Jake’s own fingers to shake when he takes notice of the longing in Heeseung’s eyes. How the man seemed to always absorb everything he does, the little waddles, every nook of the house and even the way he always seemed to stare at Jake with this certain melancholy. 

He finished making the other’s plate after topping it with a slice of fresh garlic bread with melted parmesan. And Heeseung was not entirely too subtle about it when he attempted to risk a glance at Jake’s mouth.

“You want to eat here or in the living room?” The younger one asked after a moment of silence. Heeseung feels his own chest breaking in sweat at the tender tone, effectively placing him back on nights where this used to be his routine after a day at work.

Where he can go to two homes: (1) the infrastructure itself and (2) Jake’s arms. 

“Alright,” Heeseung finally nods after finding the strength to look away from the other’s mouth. “I’ll grab the wine.” 

The scene was both new and not.

Where a little over four years ago meant this was the norm and not being able to feel the other while the television hums a reality show that was barely processed would mean that there must be something wrong with the world. Where over a year ago, this would probably be a fever dream, one that was wiped on tear stained pillows and forcefully forgotten come cold mornings. And where over a month ago, this scene played out almost too naturally after the talk they had in the office room and Heeseung braved a random night visit just because.

Jake feels himself shivering when he remembers how Heeseung looked that night after they talked. How regret and defeat was bared on the man’s every skin as the night ended with his cheek resting against Jake’s stomach as they both heaved a handful of tears. How he too, heaved his cries out when he thought of how he placed the extent of love that was given to him as such a shallow speculation of pride without understanding how that must have killed the other silently to love at a cost all because he wanted to give him the world. 

“I’m not asking for us to try again because this isn’t just my call. I walked out alone and I have no right to just barge in but I’m not meant to live this life without you there, Jaeyun. Do you understand?” 

Jake did. Oh, he does. If the hold he had on Heeseung that night could speak, it would be just that.

“Then do that. You walked out alone and I’m daring you to come back but don’t expect me to let you go again. When you place a ring on my finger once, you will have me for life. For better or for worse and all the in betweens, Heeseung.” 

“Cold?” Heeseung softly murmured over the glass of wine that was painting his lips red, effectively bringing him back to his current reality. Jake takes the sight in, barely allowing himself to grieve the lingering aftermath of their conversation that night when he has this now. Not when he is potentially given a second chance when all the nights seem to align and he finds himself and Heeseung still there, dancing in circles around the fragile what if of another try.

“I am,” Jake nods and he doesn’t give the older a chance to think of a subtle reply when he takes matters into his own hands to cross the respectful gap between them.

Heeseung ended up gulping the whole glass of the wine he was drinking. 

It was their first time touching so closely with clear inhibition and mind now that they’re standing on mutual grounds.

“Are you not?” Jake whispered, their thighs pushed against each other in a way that was never meant for a distance to prosper. “Because I know you are. How could you not when you used to come home to an empty house for such a long time.” 

Heeseung stopped at this. The wine was bitter and sweet in his mouth but he draws blood when he feels the first touch of another’s skin on his. 

The older one knew how expensive time is. His line of work greatly demanded it and fought it for people. So if he was certain about one thing it would probably be grieving about a time lost when you’re handed a second to make up for it. That was probably what he felt that night when they talked. 

They wasted too much time already, faulting each other’s love because they wanted a perfect one. 

“We talked about this. Apologizing isn’t going to get us back there.” Heeseung carefully moves in, just testing the waters to weave himself a spot inside Jake’s again. 

As a response, Jake only looked at him in a certain longingness that was enough for him to set the glass down before he found both of his hands around the younger’s wrist. 

“It’s just the way you came home tonight. I know we’re threading the slow way to make things right but…” Jake looked away for a second as if the next words would give them another stream of light that could guide them back to each other. 

“You just looked so mine, so right to be home and I hated the thought that within those 4 years, I wasn’t able to have you like that.” 

So mine, so right to be home 

“Jaeyun,” Heeseung couldn’t help the name out of his mouth. His hands brought the pale wrists to his lips until he could whisper a gentle peck on the skin. “I’m here right now.” 

“I know and I’m glad you’re home…” Jake brought his own hands around the older’s nape, bringing them closer until the tip of their noses brushed against each other. “And you’re still mine.”

Of course. Jaeyun would always have him–ringless or not.

Heeseung answers him with a kiss. A greedy one, longing hands mapping the expanse of the other’s face and skin. As if his memory was a blur and the most familiar parts of a human’s anatomy was something he needed to hold in order to relearn.  

Jake could only answer back in the same way. Hands blindly pulled him closer until Heeseung’s dress shirt would be marred with wrinkled spots. Until he finds it hard to breathe or crane his neck just to keep the other close.

“Darling,” Heeseung softly murmured and paced them both by pulling a fraction away. A sound of protest reverberated out of Jake’s mouth as he sleepily chased after the older’s mouth. “You’re falling asleep on me.”

And it’s not exactly the best laughing matter. But they ended up doing it anyway. 

They do it until they reach the sink. They do it until the clock reads a quarter to midnight and half their sleeves are soaked with soap suds and casserole oil from washing the dishes. They do it as they climb the stairs, Heeseung hiding his face behind Jake’s warm neck as the younger hushes him as they walk past Ni-ki’s room.

They laugh until Jake throws his old clothes at him. They laugh while their mouths bubbled from the toothpaste that Jake reasoned was too spicy but Sunoo gave it to him from a trip back somewhere in Europe. 

Heeseung raised his eyebrows at this so they ended up laughing again. The humor of Sunoo playing such a vital role in their relationship without the other’s full recognition would go down in history. 

At some point they find themselves shaving each other’s facial hair that was barely there but Jake insisted on it, reasoning the four year gap. 

By the time they get on the bed, Heeseung’s clarity somehow recovered even when he was drunk in kisses while Jake was shaving him back in the bathroom. The younger was clearly on a mission to scrape his face clean, not even allowing him to properly breathe when every swipe of the blade was accompanied by a peck on his mouth. 

“After all that, are you hearing yourself?” 

They were inside the guest room that was now Jake’s. Their old room was left untouched and inhabited, Heeseung learns this when Jake mentioned it in passing yet the slice of guilt was still there. 

After scrubbing his whole face clean, Jake somehow leaves him awkwardly standing in the middle of the room while the other flopped the sheets and assembled it in a way that was meant to house two humans. Heeseung stayed mute on this even when he felt his joints tingling at the implication of what it could possibly mean.

“I mean I do need to leave before Ni-ki wakes up.”

“He wakes up before 7 and that’s just the first alarm.”

“I know so I need to be close to the door when that happens.” 

“Heeseung, it’s Saturday tomorrow.”

Heeseung was running out of ammo. Not when Jake was already situated in the middle of the bed, covers opened on the other side where it was warmly inviting him over. 

But then again, they were still a month in and Heeseung feels like it was still such a delicate time to cement his spot again with ease. 

He wanted to deserve it. 

“You’ll hurt your neck. The couch back in the living room if you propose to sleep there barely fits the two of us and you have a case inspection tomorrow.”

Heeseung warms at the mention of his day from the other. How it was remembered and worded out like a tender reminder that someone was thinking of him in a way that even his daily activities were integrated to theirs was touching. 

“But Ni-ki,” Heeseung decided to be honest. “What if he wakes up from a nightmare and barges inside your roo–”

“Just get on the bed and worry about it beside me.”

Oh. That he can definitely do. 

No part of Heeseung ended up touching the bed. When his knee was placed on the mattress, he was pulled to a warm mass that engulfed him fully until he felt the center of his chest aching so perfectly. The hardness of Jake’s rib cage and bones digging to his own made him feel the most human, the most grounded and real. He couldn’t even believe he was given a chance to relive this life where nights are prayed extensions of the day and mornings the delayed time just so he can keep having this. 

“We’ll tell Ni-ki together. Let’s talk to him together.” Jake murmured against his forehead as the younger settled him nicely on his chest, soft fingers bringing him to sleep as they scraped his moist hair with ease. “But for now, it’s just us.”

“Mhm, I just don’t want him to walk in on us and feel like he didn’t deserve to know. His little letter keeps haunting me.” 

The sound of Jaeyun’s gentle snort was heard followed by a couple of hushed chuckles that had Heeseung trembling against the other’s chest. Intrigued, he lifted his face to confront the laughing man. 

“Oh, I know that kid. Trust me when I say he’s not that clueless.” Before Heeseung could rain another one of his ponderings out, Jake wipes it away with another deep kiss on his mouth, smooth fingers caging his neck as they welcome the early morning in each other’s embrace. 

“He’s ours after all.” 

..

The 12 year old tiptoes on cold toes while an equally sleepy Layla followed after him. His freezing feet jumped as he danced his steps across the little hallway leading to the staircase that the 5 am morning light barely illuminated. 

But he remembered his little assignment that he left on the couch where his school bag was. 

“Good girl,” Ni-ki murmured after letting Layla have her little early morning snack as he quietly threaded to the unfixed couch where the couch pillows were parted in awkward distances. 

Ni-ki frowns. It was so unlike for his daddy to leave it like that.

“Now where did I put it?” He continued whispering to himself, his freezing hands from the cold morning felt like icicle drops every time he would bring his fingers at the sides of his head to make him remember. “I’m sure I placed it beside–”

Ni-ki ended up finding it under the couch, only realizing that the main compartment of his school bag was opened so it must have slipped so easily. Out of this silly little fear, he lets himself look around his vicinity for potential ‘threats’ that could pop up if he wishes to accomplish his little task. He ended up taking a look at the couch again but only this time, he let his body lean on it with one of the throw pillows directly smothering his face from the get go. 

He breathes in the familiar scent for a couple of seconds before realization rendered him speechless and fleeting inside.

Not wasting another second, Ni-ki grabbed the letters with little too eager fingers. Only this time, he made no other figures other than his own lingered around as he carefully continued where he left off. 

..

Before the 6:00 am alarm even blares, a firm finger was already imprinting itself on the bright lockscreen illuminating the dimmed room. It’s been a cycle and a delightful routine for a couple of months now that everything felt rightfully practiced and meant. 

“Mhm,” a voice rasped from behind him as he gently tried to dismantle his body out of the comfiest sheets. “It’s barely 6 in the morning.” 

“It’s a school day and Ni–”

“Darling,” the voice groaned again right by his ear. “He doesn’t even get up until 10 minutes to seven.” 

When warm limbs traveled under the covers again to secure a warm hold around his bare waist, the older man could only trap in a groan of his own. The leg he tried slipping out of the warm nest of the younger’s bed was forcefully pulled back by the other’s feet until each of their limbs were locked around each other. 

“I’m opening a case today.” 

“I know. We’re closing a deal today too.” 

Soft lips covered the firm column of his neck in gentle caresses. One hand braced itself against his lower back so he doesn’t have room to even breathe away when the other’s hair reeking of bergamot and just all the things that feels home smothered his nose bare under the 6 am morning. 

“It’s an hour drive, Jaeyun .” The older whispered, or at least tried to gently reason when he felt the more rational part of him slowly surrendering. 

“And mine’s half a day away from the city because we’re meeting up with the client, Heeseung .” 

“Darlinggg,” Heeseung drags out with a whine he couldn’t help when he heard Jake’s soft laughter under his chin. “I feel so bad waking up like this when our son’s snoring in a room away down the hallway.” 

It happened instantly that Heeseung barely even had the time to grasp the solid weight to stabilize the both of them. In an instant, Jake was sitting up and the covers fell around his torso, displaying his bare chest and the softness of flesh that the other knew was his again.

An emotion that was too raw and understandable was swimming inside Jake’s eyes that Heeseung was quick to sit up himself to grab the younger’s face. 

“No–it’s not like that. I like this, I like waking up next to you. I like breathing in constricted intervals because you’re there behind me, around me and just with me.”

Jake only continued to look at him. His own eyes searching for any signs of doubt and potential withdrawal. 

Unlike years prior, Heeseung made sure he was loud, clear and understood this time. 

“You’re not going to wake up with me gone just because the world is hard on us ever again. You’re going to have me on nights you want and don’t want. But unlike before, I want you to understand that I’m not only considering our sides now. I’m placing Ni-ki in between the decisions we make because he’s one of the reasons why we’re here again and you’re mine.” 

And unlike years prior, Jake made sure he was reading all things right. 

“I know that now so shut the fuck up and kiss me before our son wakes up.” 

When the two of them were able to go down to prepare a sneaky breakfast with heated cheeks and swollen lips, the sun was quite mingling up the early sky with the warmest rays. 

Going to their shared routine and the one they were cycled to do alongside each other, Jake mans the coffee machine and ground the hazelnut beans to perfection while Heeseung makes a mean sunny side up.

“He has soccer practice later so pack him some extra chips and a juice box.” 

“Welch’s and Terra for our baby Iki coming right up then!” Jake shakes his head at the playful high pitched voice, heart and stomach a little too tight to absorb such delight.

The sight of Heeseung so early in the morning preparing breakfast for him and their son would forever have his heart. 

When their shared alarm for 7 am shakes the blissful kitchen, Heeseung was on his way around the breakfast counter with a piece of toast inside his mouth as he attempted to fix his tie around.

“Slow down,” Jake frowned as he carefully followed his former (but still his and very very much his again) husband to the door. They trip around Layla’s toys and Heeseung tries to keep his groans in when he feels Jake holding him by his coat so he could fix his tie for him.

“Make sure to grab a quick bite down somewhere. Not just coffee please.”

Heeseung nods but his eyes betray him as they carefully maps behind Jake to look out for Ni-ki coming down from the stairs. 

“Heeseung he’s not going to just appear like a puff of smoke. We’ll hear him because Layla follows him down.”

“But–”

Another firm kiss on the mouth shuts Heeseung up. When he doesn’t hear another sound other than Jake’s soft breathing against his mouth, he lets himself go by caging the other’s firm waist between his arms. 

“You got everything with you?” Jake attentively asked him after the quick makeout session that against the poor wooden door.

“Mhm just that mock up script I ended up drafting last night. I placed it on the coffee table but maybe Layla—oh! There it is!” Heeseung gently moves out of the hug to retrieve the folded paper he was referring to.

Only it was not what he expected. 

And to the both of them for the second time around. 

“What’s that?”

“This is Ni-ki’s…” 

Unlike before, the paper was not crumpled and was neatly folded. 

But similar to the first letter that their son wrote, the stick figure family of three remained on the front where two dogs they were both sure were Layla and Bisco stood on each side. 

Between them, a heart was drawn, one that was full and complete. 

Dear Dad and Daddy,

While I hope you can never see this, it’s a graded assignment I need to submit.

A couple of months ago, I wrote a similar poem which I never had the chance to admit.

It was about a poem I saw on daddy's computer that made me incredibly sad.

But I think what I wrote there was not entirely true. 

I do have my daddy’s smile and dad’s laughter. 

And I see that even more now that we’re once again, all together. 

Sincerely,

Nishimura Sim-Lee

PS: whoever gets to see this first, please tell dad I know he’s the one coming over for random sleepovers at night cuz he keeps on forgetting to seal my Cheerios in the cupboard before he sneaks out in the morning!