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The light from the T.V. danced dimly across the kitchen floor, the brightness flickering in and out as the picture changed, a low murmuring of voices floating through the air from the living room. Everything was still. It felt fragile, as if it could shatter in an instant. All it would take was one misplaced sound or wrong movement for it all to slip away.
The chair squeaked on the tile floor and the house seemed to hold its breath for a moment. The tension was excruciating.
Nothing. He was still asleep.
Okuyasu quietly let out a sigh of relief and continued to slowly edge the chair toward the kitchen counter. He stopped each time he came to the edge of a tile, hurrying around to carefully pull the legs over the grout, so as to not risk another sound. The chair tapped lightly against the counter just as his stomach let out a low grumble. He didn’t need much, just a bite, and then he’d go back to bed.
Okuyasu scrambled up onto the chair, standing on his toes as he reached over the counter. He could just barely get his chin up over the edge as he struggled for the jar that was pushed up against the wall. He could touch it with the tips of his fingers but couldn’t get a good grip on it. Okuyasu pressed his lips together, stepping closer to the edge of the chair to give himself a few more millimeters of reach, his chest pressed firmly against the cabinet door, the edge of the counter pushing uncomfortably on his neck.
There! He managed to grip the jar just well enough that he could slide it towards himself. Okuyasu felt a small rush of excitement for a moment, then suddenly the chair wobbled and slipped out from under him with a loud scraping sound. His chin caught the counter as he slid to the ground, slamming his jaw shut with such force he felt as if his head would split open. His knees hit the ground hard and the jar that he’d managed to pull off the counter shattered around him.
Okuyasu blinked down at the kitchen floor in shock. His head felt as if it were ringing, his knees and palms stinging from his rough landing. Dazed, he picked up his right hand to look at it. Blood gushed from a gash across his palm and suddenly the stinging he felt grew in intensity. His lip started to quiver as he fought back tears. He was really hurt, but…
Suddenly, Okuysaus was yanked back by his hair and fear flooded through him. He was pulled painfully to his feet and he let out an involuntary whimper.
“What are you doing?” Okuyasu flinched at his father’s harsh voice. “Why are you up?” His father shook him roughly by his hair, demanding an answer.
“I was- I’m sorry- I just- sorry…I” Okuysau’s brain scrambled for words. He knew they wouldn’t help though.
Okuyasu’s father tugged back on his hair again, “I asked you a question!” he was yelling now and Okuyasu squeezed his eyes shut. His father looked over the kitchen, “Look at the mess you made…” he muttered before throwing Okuyasu to the ground.
His father went quiet for a moment and Okuyasu slowly picked himself up, staring blankly ahead, wishing he could be anywhere but here. He wished that he was back in his bedroom trying to sleep through his hunger.
Then suddenly everything went dark. He wasn’t really sure what had happened. His face felt numb and he was only vaguely aware of the rest of his body. Somewhere far away he still heard his father yelling.
“Dad!” Okuyasu could distantly hear Keicho’s voice. “Dad, stop!” his voice was getting louder but it was muffled, almost as if they were underwater. “Stop it!” there was a desperation in his brother’s voice, but Okuyasu wasn’t sure why. “You’re gonna kill him!”
Something warm and wet filled Okuyasu’s nose as he tried to breathe. He gasped for air and tasted iron. His brain felt foggy and suddenly his head was being lifted gently from the ground and placed in a lap.
“Where are you going?” Keicho yelled.
“Out.”
The front door slammed and the house shook from the force. Keicho pulled Okuyasu closer to him, wiping at his face desperately. Okuyasu could hear his brother’s breaths coming in short gasps and he reached up to him, wanting to reassure him.
“D-don’t move.” Keicho said shakily, taking his hand and gently guiding it back down. “It’s going to be okay. I-I’ll take care of you…just-” Keicho’s voice caught in his throat, “Just stay awake, okay? Just please don’t die…don’t leave me alone…”
“How do you boys like them?” Okuyasu’s father slowly came into focus. He stood in the sunny living room in his suit, smiling down at them.
Keicho took Okuyasu’s hat from him and adjusted the sizing to fit him, “They're really nice,” He said. “Thanks dad.”
Okuyasu beamed as his brother secured the hat on his head before rushing towards his father, wrapping his arms around his legs. “Thank you dad!”
“Of course, anything for my boys.”
An anguished yell sounded through the house as Okuyasu stood in the kitchen, his whole body shaking. He felt sick. What was he supposed to do?
He heard the front door unlock and ran to it. Keicho would know what to do. He always did. His brother always made sure everything was okay. He’d be able to help dad.
“Stop! I don’t want- this is crazy!” Okuyasu tightened his grip on the bow and tried to tug it away again, but Keicho pulled harder.
Okuyasu's feet skidded slightly on the floor and he tried to reposition them so he’d have better leverage. Keicho was stronger than him, he knew that. He could easily overpower him, but Okuyasu couldn’t let that stop him, he had to get him to see sense.
“Our lives are crazy, so what does it matter?” Keicho yelled. “This is the only way, it’s the only chance we have!”
“How do you know that?” Okuyasu tried for the bow again, but Keicho held on tight. “Bro, please…you have to stop!”
Okuyasu felt Keicho’s resistance soften and for just a moment he could see his brother there for the first time in years. He was just a kid, hurt and scared and confused, looking for some way to make everything okay again. Okuyasu wanted that too and he loosened his grip on the bow.
“It will stop,” Keicho said quietly. “Once we do this.” Then in one swift movement he stepped back and the bow slipped from Okuyasu’s hand. Keicho pulled back the arrow, aiming it at his brother.
“Keicho no!” Okuyasu started towards him, but before he could get close enough, Keicho let the arrow go.
Okuyasu froze, staring unbelievingly at the empty bow before looking up at Keicho, but his brother didn’t meet his eyes, instead he was staring wide-eyed at Okuyasu’s chest and he could see that scared kid again.
Okuyasu tried to breathe in but it felt as if there was a crushing weight on him, stopping him from filling his lungs. A sharp pain shot through his body and he looked down at his chest. The arrow had pierced him deep on the left side, right at the heart. He could almost feel his heart struggling to pump against it. His stomach felt sick as he gasped for air. Each beat of his heart seeming to make his chest cave in. Okuyasu’s knees buckled and he fell to the ground, his ears ringing. His vision was starting to get dark around the edges. He was dying. And it was his brother who’d killed him.
For as long as Okuyasu could remember he’d always trusted Keicho to take care of him. He knew that his brother would never let anything bad happen to him, even when he hit him, he had never really hurt him. But now the only person Okuyasu had left, the only person he still trusted, had killed him.
“No…” Keicho murmured. “No.” He said louder and the bow clattered to the ground. “You’re not supposed to die!” He dropped to his knees next to Okuyasu, “Not after everything we’ve been through!” He pulled him to his chest. “No. No. You can’t die, you idiot. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Please…” His voice was small now, his chest shaking with sobs. “Don’t die…please, don’t leave me…”
Okuyasu gasped, his eyes flying open. He stared up at the ceiling for a moment before sitting up suddenly. He put his head in his hands, trying to calm his breathing, his heart pounding in his ears. He was drenched in sweat, waves of adrenaline still rushing over him. It had been a long time since he’d had a dream like that. It felt strange.
After a minute he looked around the room. It felt cold and empty despite the piles of boxes that surrounded his bed. He and Josuke hadn’t really had time to unpack as much as they’d hoped. It turned out moving took a lot longer than either of them had expected.
Okuyasu stared at one of the smaller boxes. He couldn’t read the writing on the side in the dark, but he knew what was in there: all that was left of his family. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. It wasn't like his father was dead. He was just somewhere in S City being taken care of by the Speedwagon Foundation thanks to Mr. Jotaro and Josuke’s help. He’d seen the apartment they’d set up for him, met the people who’d be taking care of him and making sure he was comfortable, but still, it didn’t feel right. He knew he couldn’t stay at home, taking care of his father his whole life, but he couldn’t get rid of that little voice in the back of his head. Oyasute[1] … No that wasn’t it. He wasn’t abandoning his father. It was just…
Okuyasu took in a deep breath, shaking the thoughts from his head as he hopped out of bed. He just needed to walk around a bit. Do something to get his mind off things.
He stepped out into the dark hall, running his hand lightly along the wall to guide him. He still didn’t know the house that well, but he didn’t want to wake Josuke by turning on the lights. Okuyasu stood in the living room for a long moment. He wasn’t really sure what he’d planned to do. He just knew he didn’t want to go back to sleep.
Okuyasu could see a bit better out here, ambient light from the street streaming in from the uncovered windows. He looked over the boxes that cluttered the room for a long moment before deciding that he might as well be productive.
Squinting at the labels on the boxes, he found one marked “games and movies,” picked it up and settled himself next to the TV cabinet.
Josuke stood in the hallway silently watching Okuyasu from the darkness. He’d been awake for a while having been woken up by Okuyasu's night terrors. He’d never told Okuyasu that he sometimes talked in his sleep. He didn’t want him to feel bad or embarrassed about it. Besides, it wasn’t like he could help it.
When Okuyasu used to spend the night at his place while they were in highschool Josuke could always tell when he was having a nightmare. He would start mumbling and tossing in his sleep. Whenever he started though, Josuke used to just reach over and touch him and that normally calmed him down. But there were a few nights when Josuke didn’t wake up right away and Okuyasu would start screaming. On those nights he used to have to shake him a bit and when Okuyasu finally came to, Josuke would pretend that he’d just gotten up to go to the bathroom or get some water, apologizing for waking Okuyasu up.
It had been a few years since the last time Josuke could remember Okuyasu having an episode like that though and he had a sneaking suspicion that he knew why it was happening again.
Josuke stepped quietly out into the living room, but Okuyasu didn’t seem to notice him. “What are you doing?”
Okuyasu flinched slightly at the familiar words. He looked up to see Josuke’s silhouetted figure and suddenly a wave of warmth and relief washed over him. He glanced down at the VHS in his hand. “I uh…I thought I would just put some stuff away.”
“Dude,” Josuke sighed, rubbing his eyes and walking over to sit down next to him, “It’s almost four in the morning, why are you up?”
“I couldn’t sleep. You know, new place and everything.” Okuyasu said casually, putting the VHS into the cabinet and grabbing another from the box.
Josuke watched him silently and Okuyasu could tell he wasn’t buying it. He didn’t want to look at him. He always had a hard time hiding things from Josuke.
“What if I’m just being selfish.” Okuyasu said quietly after a long moment.
“What?”
“Leaving Dad all alone, what if…what if it wasn’t…what if I’m being selfish?”
“Yasu…” Josuke’s voice was quiet and Okuyasu’s throat started to tighten. “Hey,” Josuke said gently, reaching over and placing his hand lightly on Okuyasu’s arm, “Can you look at me?”
Okuyasu hesitated, a part of him scared of what would happen if he did look at Josuke, but he slowly turned to him. Josuke locked eyes with him and for a moment Okuyasu felt a little overwhelmed by the intensity of his gaze. It was so soft and caring. He felt his chest swell as he realized that he’d never had anyone look at him like that before meeting Josuke.
“You’re not being selfish.” Josuke said firmly. “You’re doing what’s best for you and for your dad. He got his chance and he made his choices and you’ve done more for him than you ever had to. This is your life and you can do with it whatever you want. You deserve to be happy. You are not being selfish.” Silent tears streamed down Okuyasu’s face as Josuke spoke, “Do you understand?”
Okuyasu nodded, his lip trembling, he felt like his chest was going to burst. Then suddenly he flung himself at Josuke, wrapping his arms around him. He buried his face into his neck, Josuke’s loose hair ticking his nose slightly. They sat there for a long while, Josuke rubbing Okuyasu’s back lightly. He felt safe. It was nice.
Slowly Okuaysu sat up, sniffling. “Thanks.” he murmured.
Josuke looked him over for a moment, “Hang on, wait here.” He said, standing up, “I’ll be right back.”
He disappeared down the hallway and Okuyasu glanced around the room for a moment. Something about it felt different now. More cozy. Like a home.
Josuke reappeared carrying something large that Okuysaus couldn’t quite make out in the darkness. “Come on,” he said, setting it down. “Help me move some of these boxes.”
Okuyasu complied, though he wasn’t really sure what Josuke was planning. They cleared a large space in the middle of the living room and rolled out, what turned out to be a large futon, onto the floor.
“My mom got a new guest futon so she gave us this one.” Josuke said, flattening it out. He looked up at Okuyasu, “I thought maybe we could spend the night out here. You know, kind of like old times.” He smiled hopefully at him.
Okuyasu stared at him for a moment, completely overwhelmed with affection. It was such a simple gesture, but sometimes it was the little things that showed the most love. Okuyasu smiled, “Yeah, that sounds fun.”