Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Wylan remembers his mother used to say that the smell of rotten milk was a bad omen. If The Barrel wasn’t the place it was than he might have been wary of the smell but because it always smell foul, his mind didn't register the warning. Today would be known as Wylan worst day, worse than the day that led him here. The day had on a highnote, he awoke to kisses from Jesper, breakfast with the gang, finally meetings with Kaz but today fate decide to punish Wylan again. 

“We have an interesting job today.” Kaz voiced flatly as they all got comfortable in the office.

“Who is the buyer?” Jesper asked the most excited, he loves learning who was desperate enough to hire them. Kaz purposely ignored him and kept his eyes on Wylan making him stand up straight. Wylan is always aware of Kaz movement because he strikes two very confusing feelings in him. The first is fear, even when Kaz is content which is ‘rare’ he still exudes a threatening presences. The other emotions is validation, it was a feeling he used to want from his father but now all he wants is Kaz to see him as an equal. As friend that he could trust and someone who won’t judge him for all his imperfections.

“This buyer wants us to break into the Ice Court and break out a very valuable person.” The intensity in the room grew, becoming lethal, like a secret weapon to infilcit on someone.
“The Ice Court!!! We can break out Matthias as well?!?!?! Nina asked jumping to stand next to Kaz, trying to look at the letter.
He stopped her approach with his cane like a warning making her huff. Nina isnt afraid of Kaz, but she also doesn’t like fighting with him. For now she resisted because it felt like he wanted to guard something unil he was ready to share with the rest of them. Inej looked unbothered but was watching Kaz like a hawk, she knew this wasn’t right. The only times he acted like this was when he was going to be cruel when he wanted to be caring. Kaz still hasn't learned that love never needs abuse, Inej will always hate Pekka Rollins for teaching Kaz that lesson.

“This buyer is claiming to pay us thirty million kruge to get this person out.”

“Ghezen!!!” Jesper ecliamed also running up and try to see the letter on Kaz desk. Again Kaz held out his cane as a warning he wanted all of them back, he was still wasn’t satisfied with them yet.

“Thrity Million is a lot don’t you think?” He asked, eyes still permanently glued to Wylan. The question is directed at him and only him. Wylan could feel himself start to panic, his breath slowly being stolen from him, he felt a sinking feeling in his heart.

“Kaz!! Why won’t you tell us who's willing to pay us that much money for that??? Jesper asked getting relentless but Wylan had a sickly feeling he already knew the answer but didn't want to believe it. “Jesper. You should be asking Wylan that question.” Kaz said giving him a look that told him he wasn’t going to like the answer he got.

“Why would Wylan know?” He asked looking at his boyfriend worriedly. Wylan could feel himself starting to hyperventilate but was trying to find his voice to defend himself but he couldn’t. His first real safe place was starting to disappear before his eyes, he knew after this nothing would be the same. He had gotten to comfortable, he thought he was safe but his father needed to remind him that he was never truly safe. He a monster who will always destroy everything Wylan loves and care for. It’s his punishment for being weak and defective something he heard all his life come ringing in his ear. He tried to find any saving grace but the only one offering any sort of lifeline was Inej. Nina and Jesper were looking at him with worry but confusion and Kaz looked disappointed but not surprised. Like he knew but didn’t want to accept the truth.

“Wylan why is Kaz asking me to ask you about a client?” Wylan looked Jesper in the eyes pleading like he was asking for forgiveness but that isn’t what you think but all Jesper could feel is betrayal. “Wylan who is Kaz talking about?” his voice shaking with emotion. Wylan shook his head unable to answer Jesper so Kaz finally answered. “His name Jan Van Eck. He a very rich merchant, part of the merchant council and he happens to be Wylan father.” Jesper closed his eyes from the pain and that was when Wylan finally found his voice.

“It not what you think!!” He said voice full of shame like he was embarrassed they had to find out this way.
“Wylan are you a rich kid?” Nina asked also upset at this information.

She had thought they all came from a fucked up situation and trying to make the best of what they were given. If Wylan came from privilege and security what the hell was his business in The Barrel. Was here for fun? Did he want to make his daddy man?? A million question was flooding her mind and she was getting angier with each new one. “Are you here for the fun of it?” Her voice fill disdain that made Wylan heart stop.

“Everyone should calm down and let Wylan explain.” Inej said standing inbetween Wylan and Jesper where the emotional war was being held.
“No.” Jesper said so upset that his voice cracked at the word. Wylan felt like he just been stabbed, did Jesper really not want to hear what he had to say, was the truth so awful that he couldn’t allow any mercy towards him.
“No?” Inej asked a little disappointed in Jesper, did he not remember having wounds that we hide from the world.

“Clearly Wylan didn’t think it was important enough to share so no, I don’t want to know what his excuse are. We wouldn’t want to upset the little merchling. ” Wylan felt like he had just been slapped by Jesper. How fast he could taunt him with names then hear the story. He felt sick, it was taking every fiber of his being not cry he didn’t want them to see him at his lowest. They would probably see it as weakness and feel mocking pity for him. No he will wait. He wanted to know how long Kaz knew, Wylan was an idiot for not realzing it sooner. Kaz must have known all along,

“Did you know before or after you asked me to be your demo man?” Wylan ask returning Kaz dark gaze, he was amazed his voice sounded sturdy and steady. “Before.” Kaz answered ignoring Jesper sound of annoyance.
“Why?”
“Why what.”
“Why didn’t you say anything before? Why wait until now? Why did you pick me?” Wylan had to know how much of this revolved around his father, once again his father takes everything away from him. Nothing could ever just be for Wylan, no his name make it pretty clear who it’s for.
“I picked you for that very reason, a rich merchant son who was smart enough to make good explosives. I knew sooner or later your father would come and get you, so why not get my money's worth before your dragged back to your boring merchant life.” Wylan felt his heart finally fall apart.

At that Jesper walked out the room with Nina running after him to make sure he was okay. She shot Wylan daggers before calling out to Jesper. Inej was the only one holding him together as she place her hands on his shoulder. “What is your plan?” his voice finally shook letting both of them know that Wylan was close to shambles but Inej was the only one offering any kind of comfort. The worrited looks she sends him lets him know she’s the only one in the room with any sympathy for him. The rest is filled with anger, betrayal, and accusations.

“If your dad tries to double cross me, I will use your life against him.”
“What?!?!” Inej shouted.
“It simple, if daddy don’t pay then something bad happens to Wylan.” Kaz said like it was common sense.
“It won’t work.” Wylan said it like it was a fact, like Kaz shouldn't even bother. Kaz looked at Wylan like he was being dramatic, “I doubt that.” Wylan decided not to argue with him. He just got up and walked away ignoring Inej call his name. He just walked, he needed to leave, he heed to hide, he need to not exist right now. 

Chapter Text

Wylan came back to reality when his knees hit his bed that he had in the tannery. It was then that he realized he had started crying. He was trying to fight back the sob building in his chest by trying to organzie his beakers and cups but the sob finally won out. He fell to his knees taking a beaker with him, it shattered scattering glass all around him. He tried to pick it up but all he did was cut himself as he was blinded by his tears. He ended up laying on the floor crying his heart, all alone for the saints to see. Soon he passed out, finally just submitting to the darkness.

He awoke the next day to the sun blinding him from the broken window, as last night's events reared it ugly head back in his mind. Wylan felt like running away but knowing he didn’t have the options, he decided to drink water and patch up his hand before heading back to The Slat where he needed to know what Kaz wanted from him. Not caring that he was a mess, he arrived right on time for the meeting. Jesper was on the couch looking as bad as Wylan felt. His eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep and tears, his clothes askew and in no real order like he put on the first thing he saw. He was resting his head on the couch, his eyes found Wylan and there were walls around every look he gave him,

“What happened to you?” he asked, gesturing to Wylan's hand but he just shook his head.

Nina and Inej were on Kaz’s right and left, Nina on the left with a hard glare on her face. She wasn’t happy to see him and took everything in Wylan to not flinch. Inej on his right, again the only one offering him any mercy. She was happy to see him but her face was shrouded in worry, like she wanted to comfort him but couldn’t. She could tell if she did it, it would cause more harm than good right now.

“Look! It's the resident rich kid.” Nina said every word meant to bite at Wylan.

All Wylan could do was stare Kaz down, he looked unbothered at Wylan's distress and returned back to work.

“We are going to set up a meeting with Van Eck to talk about negotiations in detail but we are taking the job. This plan allows us to get Nina’s soldier boy out of prison and have bigger control over The Barrel if we succeed. No one would question or mess with The Crows after this.”

Wylan nodded ignoring everyone stares just wanting to be told his job so he can once again disappear. “Wylan you’ll need to make every kind of bomb for this job. Thrity of each one all ready to be used at a moment notice.”

Again Wylan nodded knowing this will be his last job with The Crows. Kaz went on discussing the rest of the plan but Wylan was losing it. This will be his last job, they don’t need him anymore and he’ll be at his father's mercy again.

“Can I go now?” He asked, causing everyone to freeze. If Wylan hadn’t been so lost in thought he would have seen everyone concerns. Even if they were mad at him, it didn’t mean he wasn’t wanted. Kaz gave Wylan a pensive look before dismissing him, he just assumed he was still sensitive at yesterday's events. He watched Wylan leave.

“Kaz we need a different plan.” Inej demand as soon as Wylan left, pulling everyone attention to them.

“What are you talking about Inej?” Asked Jesper finding all his strength to join the discussion. “Kaz wants to hurt Wylan if his father doesn’t pay!” Inej said accusingly at Kaz.

“What?!!?!” Jesper shouted looking at Kaz like he was crazy. Nina even gave him mean galre, Kaz shook his head annoyed at his team for being so gullible sometime.

“I am not gonna hurt him, I want his father to think I am just like I did with Pekka Rollins.”

“Then why did you tell Wylan that you were going to hurt him?” Inej asked not understanding why Kaz was being mean to Wylan like that.

“Because he is a terrible liar, I need Wylan to think he is in danger so his father believes it as well. Besides it’s punishment for him, thinking I wouldn’t know he a run away rich boy trying to avoid daddys rules.”

“I say serves him right.” Nina said relaxing at the thought of Wylan not in any real danger.

“Nina?” Inej shocked at Nina agreeing with Kaz. “Come on Inej, I’ve worked around rich kids like Wylan. They think they can handle anything and then they get a taste of the real world and run back home to daddy once they get bored of losing. Wylan could use some good scaring, sometimes you don’t come back."

Inej looked to Jesper for help but he too was a victim of his own emotions.

“Kaz promise me that Wylan won’t get hurt. Swear to me, please.” Jesper said looking at his friend instead of a boss. Kaz stared him down and said,

“No harm will come to Wylan, it's up to him if he wants to go back.” Jesper nodded, not happy with the situation but too upset to be a voice of reason.

Inej shook her head at all three of them, “Wylan deserves a chance to explain to us why he didn’t tell us of his past.” Inej said before storming out.

Chapter Text

She was upset with everyone. She jumps across every roof before ending up at Wylan tannery, she jumps down soundlessly, scaring Wylan mid-work making him drop a strange white powder.
“Sorry.” Inej said as she helped him pick it up.
“Why are you here?” He said not looking at her, Wylan was scared, he didn’t know if he had the strength to deal with any confrontation right now. It broke Inej’s heart to see Wylan suffering like this. She knows what it's like hiding from something and not knowing who to trust with that information. She remembers the amount of time she tried to break out of The Menagerie before Kaz had Per Haskell buy her contract,she remembers those people she trusted and those who betrayed her. 

“ Wylan. Please look at me.” Her voice was so gentle and filled with kindness that all Wylan could do was listen. He looked at Inej as both of their eyes filled with tears. Wylan was cradled in Inej arms as he cried his heart out,

“I won’t ask you to explain. I just want you to know that I am not mad, I am still here for you.”

Wylan allowed himself this last moment of kindness from Inej. He knew that he would most likely die after this job so he wanted one last good memory of kindness. When there were no more tears left to cry, Wylan assured Inej that he was fine and that he really wanted to get back to work. He wanted to get lost in his work, chemistry was always a safe haven for him, like his mother, like music, like Jesper used to be.

It was two days later when Kaz decide to check on Wylan, he had been busy with the plan and to make sure Jesper didn’t drink and gamble himself to death. Everyday Wylan wasn’t at The Slat the more upset Jesper got but he was too stubborn to come to Wylan himself. Kaz knew that Jesper felt like it was Wylan's responsibility to reach out since he had been the one keeping secrets but it didn’t mean Jesper and the rest didn't miss him. Kaz also was upset that Wylan was hiding, he wanted him to demand more answers, he wanted Wylan to fight for himself, he wanted Wylan to show the bravery and wits that made him a crow in the first place. Yet here he was hiding with his bombs.

“Are they almost done?” He asked, catching Wylan attention. He looked skinnier, like he probably forgot to eat these past two days. Wylan nodded, giving him a wide breath like he was afraid of him, it irritated Kaz even more. Wylan shouldn't be afraid of him, he should know that Kaz would never hurt him intentionally unless it was necessary for the plan. Placing a box of waffles on the table he said,

“I had a feeling you would forget to eat so I brought you some food. I need you alive and breathing, you’re no use to me if you die.” Wylan nodded, giving a gentle ‘thank you’ before devouring his food.

“I also expect you at tomorrow meeting to go over the last few details of the plan since you missed them.” Kaz said, walking out as soon as made sure Wylan ate all his food.

Unfortunately it was pointless because as soon as Wylan was alone he threw up everything he ate. This always happened when Wylan was under extreme amounts of emotional stress, it was a coping mechanism he developed living with his father. The only thing keeping him alive the past two days was water and sleep. He didn’t know how much longer he could last before passing out but he knew there was no point in fighting it.

Chapter Text

Once the bombs were finished the next morning, he packed them all up and took them to the meeting for Kaz to have. When he entered the room he immediately looked at the ground. He couldn’t handle Nina's hateful stares for him and wasn’t sure he could handle the cold shoulder Jesper was giving him. He just wanted this to be over so that he could sleep until he was needed again.
“Now that everyone is here, lets discuss how we will use Wylan against Van Eck if he tries to double cross us.”
“Kaz I told you that wouldn’t work!!” Wylan said frustrated that Kaz wasn’t listening.
He gave him an annoyed look making Kaz give him one back

“Your daddy little precious boy,” Nina said sarcastically. “Of course he's gonna listen to Kaz."
“No he won’t!!!” Wylan said forcibly like he was upset he even had to say this.
“Wylan, I don’t care what daddy issues you have going on but if I was able to get Pekka Rollins to bow to me using his son against him, I think it will work for your father.” Kaz said bored at his reaction which made Wylan stand up and scream,
“JAN VAN ECK IS NOTHING LIKE PEKKA ROLLINS!!”
Everyone looked at Wylan scared and confused. He had screamed that with so much pain and resentment that they knew something wasn’t right.
“Why won't it work, Wylan?” Kaz asked, getting more upset with each passing second. Wylan at first shook his head at Kaz but when he asked again all hell broke loose.
“Why won’t it work?
“BECAUSE HE BEEN TRYING TO KILL ME SINCE I WAS SIXTEEN!!!!”
“What?” Kaz said darkly.
Nina and Inej gasped and Jesper looked like he wanted to murder someone with his hand over his mouth in disbelief.
Wylan shrugged like it was no big deal, trying to keep the tears away, he was just glad he finally got through to him. He had screamed all the anger out of his body but then all that left was sadness, loneliness, and bitterness. He was running on fumes and he could feel himself slipping. He had to explain before Kaz banked his whole plan on him.
“ I mean, look at me.” He gestured to himself. Time to face the ridicule he had tried so hard to avoid.
“I am not merchant son material. I am not strong, I am not charismatic, I may be good at math and chemistry but other than that I am useless." He let out a cynical laugh,
"Did you really think I would choose to be here? News Flash guys!!!! I'm not living here, I am hiding here!!!"
"Oh Wylan…" Nina tried to approach him but Wyaln flinched away from her. A stricken look crossed Nina's face as the impact of the situation hit all of them.
"Wylan you aren't useless." Jesper said softly, trying to approach him but stopping as Wylan stepped back. He was guarding himself from them and it was heartbreaking.
"Yes I am!!! He shouted like it was a known fact.

"When my father realized I lacked a certain skill I could never master no matter what he did. He decided I was better off dead so I wouldn't have to cause him any more shame." Realization passed over Kaz and Jesper's faces and the rage grew even more.
"At first he was subtle, having me 'trip' down the stairs, poison accidentally making its way into my food, and accidentally falling out the window during music lessons. Anything to make it look like a cruel act of fate." Wylan said bitterly as he thought back on how awful his childhood became after his mom died.
"Unfortunately, for my father, I always survived. I guess when his new wife got pregnant with his new heir, he decided to make sure I actually died. My dumbass wanted to believe he would just let me fade into obscurity.." Wylan's voice was so sad, like he just wanted permission to exist with nothing in return. He was trying so hard not to break down but reliving the memory was just as hard as the first time.
"He said I could go to my favorite music school, he said I could build whatever life I wanted there." His eyes filled with tears and his voice wavered. Wylan took a deep breath reminding himself not to cry in front of them. They didn't get to see him cry, not anymore, they forfeited that right the moment Kaz threatened his life. He won't cry in front of his future killers, he was stronger than that.
"He had his bodyguard take me to the docks to choke the life out of me and dump me in the water to be fish food. Thankfully, someone must have heard a weird noise because it gave me a chance to get away." Suddenly Wylan let out a maniacal laugh that didn't fit the emotions in his face.
"Remember when I said Alby Rollins couldn't help who his father was, Kaz." Wylan looked towards the sky as if finally surrendering to the saints.
"Well, Wylan Van Eck can't help who his father is either." When there was nothing left to say Wylan looked up to see four different reactions to the truth. Nina was in tears and a very guilty look covered her face, Inej looked mournful like this was a tragedy she had no way of soothing. Kaz looked on edge with his teeth clenched, hands clutching hard at his cane and Jesper looked heartbroken and horrified. He nodded, finally relieved that they were listening to him.
"Jan Van Eck doesn't give a fuck about me." Wylan stated as a fact.
 "He's going to laugh in your face and thank you for finishing the job his bodyguards failed to do." Having nothing left to say Wylan headed towards the door but one final thought needed to be said before he collapsed. He turned to look all of them in the eye just as he held the doorknob in his hand.
"Do you want to know what I find unfair?" He continued before they had a chance to answer.
"We all have secrets and a past we are ashamed of and don't want to talk about. We all try to forget about our past but why when I do it, I get abandoned and thrown away? Why am I the bad guy?." Again another sad chuckle escaped him.
"It doesn't seem fair, does it?"

And with that left in the air he left.  He honestly doesn't know how he made it back to the tannery but as soon as his body hits the bed, he is gone to the darkness. 

Jesper chased after Wylan as soon as he left. He felt disgusted with himself, how could he push his boyfriend away when he needed him most. He had been so selfish with his own hurt feelings, he didn't bother to question Wylan. He wanted to shoot himself in the chest for how awful he treated him.
As soon as he saw him asleep in the tannery, he kneeled down beside him and gave his hand apologetic kisses. He wanted to wake Wylan and plead forgiveness. He wanted to tell Wylan that he deserves better and that he would do anything in his power to make it up to him but he had already been selfish enough.
He would let Wylan rest for a while before baring his heart to him. Wylan deserved peace after all he had been through.
Jesper could give him that much for now.

After four bells and getting some work done. Jesper returned to Wylan to slowly awaken him.
"Wylan, my love, please wake up." His voice so gentle and firm.
Normally that always got Wylan to stir but not this time.
"Wy, please wake up, please let me see those pretty watercolor eyes." Jesper said a little more firmly while caressing his cheek. Still nothing, the more Wylan stayed asleep the more panicked Jesper got. He tried slightly shaking him, to softly patting his face, but still nothing .
"Wylan please!!!! Please wake up, love!!! Please!! Let me make this right!!!" Jesper said in a voice filled with despair and tears.

He even tried doing the fairytale thing where he tried kissing his prince awake but still Wylan slept. Jesper, not knowing what else to do, gathered Wylan in his arms and ran all the way to The Slat.

Chapter Text

 "KAZ!!! INEJ!!!!!! NINA!!!!!! HE WON'T WAKE UP!!!!! HE WON'T OPEN HIS EYES!!!!!" Jesper screamed,  causing a scene as soon as he busted through the doors. He ran all the way to their room to lay Wylan down on their bed.
The others appeared instantly all worried, what happened to their demo man? Why won't he wake up? Thoughts running through all their minds.  Nina approached Wylan trying to see if she could feel anything wrong with him but the more she looked the more helpless she felt. It wasn't helping that Jesper hadn't moved away from Wylan. Gripping his hand like a lifeline, like he was scared that if he let go the love of his life would never wake up.
"Well Nina," Kaz said, frustrated.
"What's wrong with him??"
"I don't know." Nina said, upset.
"WHAT?!?!" Jesper screamed looking helplessly at Nina.
Inej came up behind Jesper, trying to soothe him but also making sure he didn't fly off the deep end.

"What do you mean ‘you’ don't know?" Kaz asked, slowly getting upset with each passing second.

"I mean I can't feel anything physically wrong with him! Remember!!! I am a Heartrender, I can change people's appearance, I can do basically healing and stitching but I can't do extensive stuff like a healer can!!!! Physically there is nothing wrong with Wylan!!! He is just sleeping, I can't figure out what's keeping him from waking up." Nina said defeated while lightly running her hands through Wylan disheveled curls. He looks so peaceful asleep, like a sweet prince waiting to be awoken.
"What do we do??" Jesper whimpered out, pulling Wylan hand to his lips.
"Wy, please wake up, please, I'll do anything!!! Please just open your eyes." He pleaded with his sleeping lover as tears spilled out. Everyone's heart broke seeing two of their friends suffering and not being able to help. The moment was broken by Pim at the door looking unsure what to do.

"I know someone who can help." He said making four sets of eyes land on him.
"Who?" Kaz asked, looking at Pim. Pim was a good crow, he liked Wylan, learned a lot from him, and didn't want him to suffer.
"She is the oldest healer in The Barrel, she outlived all the old Barrel crime bosses. She is willing to help anyone but her prices is you have to listen to what she says. Some people in The Barrel consider her an oracle because some of her ‘prices’ come true." Pim said nervously as all the eyes were on him. Kaz didn't care what this hag's price was, he needed Wylan to be okay. He snapped his fingers, getting everyone's attention.
"Inej go with Pim and bring this healer here, Nina keep monitoring Wylan, Jes stay with him in case anything changes," Kaz said as he left the room to go to his office. He needed to think about things. 

(Wylan in his mini coma)
Wylan was floating, he was so at peace here in the water, This is how he wanted to remember the ocean. Peaceful, gentle, and soothing, ‘Why did I fight?’ Maybe I should have let them kill me?” “If I had known it would be this peaceful, I would have killed myself, dad wouldn’t have had to spend all that time trying to kill me.” The more Wylan had these thoughts the louder the waves got, slowly beginning to disrupt the sea. ‘Why did I even bother to stay alive?’ ‘What kept me going?’ ‘There was nothing for me.’
‘So Why Did I Fight?’
‘Why couldn’t I?’

‘Just Let Go.’ 
That when he heard it. Her voice. His mom. He searched for her until he saw her all the way at the shore. There were miles of ocean between them, Wylan began to thrash, he began to realize the difference between being alive and just existing. The ocean held him prisoner, not letting him escape it grasp. 

“Wylan my baby bird. My only regret is not being able to see become the great man I know you will be.” It was one of the last things she said to him before she died. The more he heard her voice, the more each question got an answer. 

‘Why did he fight?’ ‘Don’t listen to what your father said, there is more than one way to be smart. Does he know how to form a melody?’

‘What kept him going?’ ‘Everyone has some disability Mrs. Van Eck- Wylan disability is that he learns differently than others. Are you not capable of learning how to teach in a new way beneficial for your student?’
‘There was something his mother gave him,’ ‘My baby bird, my favorite thing to give people is hope. You never know who just needs a little bit of kindness to flourish.’
‘Why didn’t he let go?’ ‘You are a sad man Jan Van Eck! If you think I’d choose you over our child than maybe my father should take back everything he given you. Don’t think I need you more than you need me. Our son is perfect the way he is, maybe you are the defective one.’
‘For Her!!!’
Everything he did was an homage to her. He fought for his mom. She may be dead but he lived for her. He didn’t want her dream for him to die. ‘My dream for you baby bird is for whatever dream you want to come true. I want you to have a life that makes you happy, allows you to be a good person, and helps those you want to help. That will make me feel like I did being a mom right. If I could give you a life that makes you happy then nothing else matters.
The waves were nothing to him now. He was so close to her. The shore was just a couple of steps away. ‘I love you, my baby bird. Never forget that.’ He was on solid ground. He was running but he knew he wasn’t going to see her. She disappeared but before Wylan could register that he was taken to his dream laboratory.’ There was an equation written with music notes. What was his next creation going to be?’ 

Chapter Text

When Inej and Pim returned with the Healer it had already been one bell, Jesper still looked a mess of despair, Nina was distraught with each passing second still trying to figure out what was wrong with him. Kaz looked at them with the scariest fucking scowl they had ever seen on his face.
“What took you so goddamn long?!” Before they could answer, the Healer beat them to it.
“Curve that attitude little boy.” The entire room was stunned into silence. A little medium sand-colored woman came in giving everyone the meanest mom look. Jesper whimpered in fear and shame, Nina felt like she got caught doing something she shouldn’t and Kaz was left at a loss for words. Pim looked afraid for Kaz and Inej looked worried for them all. This Healer was the oldest person in all of Ketterdam. Everyone feared this woman, her name was “Toci.” but many knew her as “Saint Eir”. She is Grisha royalty in Ravka; people still pray to her to this day. 

She looked at them before shooing Nina away from her patient, Nina all but ran out her way.
“Children should learn to stop running their mouths when they ask for their elders for help.” She began to run her hands across Wylan body, it was a sight to see. There were colors flying all over Wylan body, blue, green, red, yellow, white and black painted a picture all through his body. Toci looked more concerned the more colors wouldn’t stop moving. After a couple of more movements before she turned to the crows.
She turned to Kaz specifically and said, “I was hoping you would be different from Pekka Rollins but I guess I was wrong.”

The verbal slap was felt all throughout the room, Kaz felt like some had just struck him. Jesper didn’t know if he’d ever seen Kaz so stunned. Inej was wondered if Kaz would recover from Saint Eri words and Nina was flabbergasted. “Did you think I would fear you?” Toci asked watching Kaz. “Little boy, you are just another figurehead in a long line of them. I’ve seen all your predecessors' eras pass and I will see yours pass as well. Let's get past the part where you try to intimidate me and to the part where you ask me to help heal your friend.” 

Kaz jaw twitched, his hands flexed, and he slowly let out a defeated breath.
“What is wrong with him?”
“He is in an emotionally induced coma from the immense amount of emotional stress, lack of food, exhaustion.” Jes once again whimpered gripping Wylan hands as if he were trying to make amends. Nina shuffled back in shame and Kaz just looked frustrated.
Inej just let out a sad,“Oh Wylan.”
“Can you heal him?” Asked Jesper hopefully.
“I can but my healing comes with a price.”
“Name it.” Kas demanded. Toci was slightly entertained by Kaz audacity.
“You have to tell me what led your friend to this.”

“Isn’t it obvious, he didn’t eat and was stressed out.” Kaz said like the healer was asking stupid questions. She narrowed her eyes at Kaz and decide he needed another verbal lashing.
“Careful little boy, the more you speak the more you sound like Pekka Rollins himself.” Inej watched Kaz get hit with another blow. The Saints were not kind to those who had no respect for their blessings.
“Let me rephrase my price so your tiny mind can understand me. Tell me what you did wrong. What did you do? To make your friend so close to death door.” Inej realized that Saint Eri is asking them to reveal their sins towards Wylan. Jesper spoke first, he thought that he deserve to be punished for his crimes.

“I pushed him away. I hurt him because I was too selfish to ask him what really happened. I abandoned my lover when he needed me most. I threw him aside to nurse my own pride and let him suffer.” He was crying as he spoke more. “Wylan. If I could go back and fix it, I would. You didn’t deserve that.” he sobbed giving Wylan hand more kisses. He turned to Toci and bowed his head.
“Please heal him. Please bring him back to me. Let me make this right. Let me show him how much I love and need him. Please save him. I can’t lose someone I love again.” Toci nodded turning to Nina. Nina couldn’t handle Toci stare.
She was so ashamed, “I was cruel to him. I said things just to lash at him. I gave Wylan no grace to explain his story.” Nina felt more shame as she realized what she had done to Wylan. She was no better than those people who assume Grisha are evil instead of learning the truth.
She looked at Toci and pleaded, “Please save my friend. Wylan is kind, gentle, and good. He doesn’t deserve to suffer. Please save my friend so I can apologize and be a better friend to him.” Toci nodded and finally turned to Kaz.
“Now you, little boy.”
Inej confused, asked. “What about me? Don’t I go next?” Toci shook her head no and gestured towards Wylan chest. The green color appeared swirling around his heart in a circle.

“Your energy is here. See the way it circles his heart.” Inej nodded bewildered by the green light.
“Your energy has been protecting his light, like cupping a flame to keep it alive.” What Toci explained next hit all the crows in way that they would never forget.

“Your friend has been through so much emotional trauma that it has been slowly diminishing his light. Once a heart loses all it light, it becomes cold and a burden. Just a muscle pumping life into you against your will, when that happens people tend to go to a plethora of vices to try and sustain their soul. But most people let their soul die. After that some become monsters to the world and others just end their life not having the will to go on. Your friend is close to that end, but your energy is the only indication of someone try to keep that flame alive.” She gave Inej a proud look like she did something right while the rest had done something wrong.

“The world is cruel enough already, but when cruelty comes from the people you trust then that cruelty for cruelty's sake. Inej Ghafa the world has been cruel to you, it marked all over your body and soul but your light is strong and healthy. It's because of your friends,” Toci gestured to the rest of the crows.

“Their energy is all around your heart, protecting your light like a shield.” She gestured back to Wylan's heart, again with only one light around his heart. Inej had been the only one in Wylan corner throughout this whole ordeal. She had nothing to repent for.
“I am waiting, Kaz Brekker.” Toci said reutrning her attention back to him.
Kaz looked like he would prefer the ground opening up and eat him alive than answer this old lady.
“I outed Wylan about his father.” His jaw twitched as Toci gave him a look of ‘go on.’
“I made Wylan feel like he was just a means to an end.” Toci waited for him to continue but when he did not ask her to save Wylan life like the other did she decide to give Kaz a lesson about love and power.

“If you think you are above pleading for help then you are in for a rude awakening little boy.” Kaz looked at Toci like he will not hesitate to cut Saint. Oh, Toci hopes this little boy tries her so that she can put him in his place.

“You probably think you don’t have a heart, Mr.Bekker. You think your heart died when your brother died.” Kaz looked frozen in place. How did she know about his brother? Inej barely found out. Nina and Jesper looked at Kaz confused, he had a brother?
“Like I said. I’ve seen every Barrel leader, from their start to their end.” Reminding them just how old and powerful she was,
“I know about the little girl with the talent to walk in the sky that was forced into slavery,” Toci said gesturing to Inej. 
“I know about the clever little boy with a gift, using his newfound vices to fill the hole of wonder and love his mother left behind.” Pointing to Jesper.

“I know about the rich little boy who just wanted to make his parents happy and live a good life suffering at the hands of his father's brutality.” Pointing to Wylan. 
“I know about the little girl abandoned at the orphanage who liked to greet anyone who walked through those doors until she was forced to fight for a war that taught what pain and cruelty really was..” Nodding to Nina. Finally staring Kaz straight in the eyes,

“That leaves the little boy with his brother trying to build a better life only to be swindled by Pekka Rollins to build his empire.” They were all rooted to their spots not being able to even breathe correctly.
“All of your hearts are open books to me. I can see every hope, regret, fear, love, and pain a person has.” She gave Kaz a knowing look.
“You see that as weakness. I see it as Power.”

"Do you know what I saw in Pekka Rollins' heart?” She asked Kaz not expecting him to answer.

“I saw nothing but an endless cycle of greed and pain. A waste of muscle and blood. Just like the man before him and the man before that man and so on and so forth.”
“That is why I thought you would be different from him, Mr. Brekker. To be evil is to be boring and predictable but a demon with the knowledge of mercy is interesting. How will you shape The Barrel? What lasting marks will you leave behind, Mr.Bekker.” Toci asked.

Kaz stared at Toci for a long minute before deciding to rise to the challenge.

“If you save my demolition man, I’ll show you exactly what I will do to The Barrel.”
“I need to hear a please, little boy.”  Again jaw twitching, Kaz thought about stabbing this old lady but one look at his crows made him give in.
“Please save Wylan so we can teach his father a lesson.” Toci smiled like the Cheshire cat and walked back to Wylan. Her hands began to glow white all over Wyaln. It took maybe a minute before she was done.

“I healed his body from the stress, I brought his nutrient levels back up. He should awaken in 2 bells time. When he awakens have him eat a vegetable broth and a piece of bread, he won’t be able to throw it. If he doesn't awaken in two hours then you need to call me back to forcibly awaken him which will not be good for his mental health. Lets hope I don’t have to come back here.” 

As they waitied for Wylan to wake up, Nina and Inej went to make the broth Saint Eri told them to make. Leaving Jesper and Kaz alone with a sleeping Wylan, both men are a mess of emotions. Jesper is both angry at himself and at Kaz and vice versea. Jesper was mad at Kaz cruelty, if he had just told them the truth with no flair for the dramatics they wouldn’t be here. Most of all he is pissed at himself for abandoning Wylan; he should have been there for him. He kept pressing kisses into Wylan's hand just hoping he would wake up. Kaz was sitting on Wylan's other side watching his chest rise and fall. He was upset with Jesper's childish antics, it wasn’t his responsibility to worry about Wylan that should have been Jesper's job. But the more he stared at Wylan down the more he tried to inflict his will on him. ‘Wake up Wylan!’ ‘Don’t let your father win!’ ‘Wake Up!! So that we can make your father suffer.’ Kaz thoughts were sent at Wylan like a force willing his demo man to awaken.

Chapter Text

Inej and Nina returned with a tray, a soup and a loaf of bread. It was getting closer to the time Wylan should awaken making them restless. Inej decided to take Kaz place next to Wylan so that he could have a sense of comfort when he awoke. None of them could argue with her, Jesper hated that it was her that Wylan would seek out for but he only had himself to blame. All he could do now is wait and hope Wylan let him make amends. 

The clock chimed as Wylan's eyes slowly began to flutter, he shuffled around in his sleep as he was brought back to the land of the living. When he opened his eyes he noticed he wasn't in the tannery. He was in their room at the Slat. Fully looking around he noticed Jesper on his right. His eyes were bloodshot from tears and exhaustion. Behind Jesper was Kaz looking like a stoic guard watching over them. He then looked to Kaz left where Nina stood with relief and worry splashed across her face. Finally he found Inej on his left, giving him a warm and comforting smile. Wylan cleared his throat, really confused on how he ended up here. Turning to Inej, scooting closer to her, he asked.

"What happened?"

"You fell into a mini coma from lack of sleep and food." Wylan's eyes grew wide and an embarrassed blush started to appear on his cheeks.

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"It's okay Wylan. You have nothing to be sorry for. It was Jesper who found you like that. He was so worried about you that he brought you to the Slat so we could help you."

Wylan turned to Jesper really shocked. That was the last thing he expected to hear and it hurt Jesper so. He had done this, he had broken Wylan's trust in him. All he could do now is offer Wylan a sad comforting smile.

"Thank you." Wylan said unsure but grateful.

"You don't have to thank me Wy, I would do it over again in a heartbeat as long as it meant you were okay." Jesper admitted giving Wylan hand another kiss. The affection made Wylan's heart clench in both pain and longing. He missed Jesper but he was also afraid it would all be ripped away again. Turning back to Inej to continue,

"We brought a healer here, she said you need to eat some soup and bread to feel better." Placing the tray in front of him so he could eat. Wylan slowly sat up and nodded, reluctantly Jesper let go of his hand but immediately gripped his leg like he needed to feel Wylan in his hands. He couldn't bear not touching him, like he was afraid Wylan would disappear if he didn't touch him. They watched Wylan eat, he was so hungry that he hummed in delight at the soup.

"This is delicious, thank you Inej!" Inej beamed at Wylan and said,

"Nina helped as well." Wylan stopped mid-spoonful to look at Nina. There was fear written on both of their faces. The thing is, Wylan isn't cruel, he gave Nina a small smile and said,

"Thank you." Nina returned his smile with one of her own.

"Don't mention. We just want you happy and healthy." Wylan nodded as wheels started turning in his head. He didn't know what changed to make the crows start caring again but he wasn't gonna question it. Instead he was gonna use it to his advantage, he would strike a deal with Kaz to get out of Ketterdam and leave the Van Eck name behind for good. 

Kaz watched as Wylan ate, he could see wheels turning in his head. This had been what Kaz had wanted from him since the very beginning, to think like him, to assess the situation and turn it to his advantage. Now Kaz was stuck wondering what Wylan planned to do. Was he going to be the bad guy in this situation again? Having to deny Wylan something he thinks he wants to make him realize he belongs here with them. He belongs with The Dregs as a crow. 

Once Wylan was done eating he thanked them again and slowly began to fiddle with his fingers. He was nervous, he wasn't sure how to demand his freedom but he knew he needed to do it. He had to live, he had to get out before it was too late. Clearing his throat he looked at Kaz. 

"I want to make a deal with you Kaz." Jesper looked at Wylan in worry. What did he want from Kaz? Nina and Inej too were worried and confused at the situation. What was Wylan up to? 

"What are you offering?" Kaz asked slowly, approaching behind Jesper.

Taking a deep breath, it was now or never.

"I want you to contact Tolya so that I can join his ship and leave Ketterdam once we finish breaking Matthias out of jail. In exchange I will leave you a year's worth of explosives until you can find yourself a new demolition man." Jesper and Inej cried out to Wylan and Nina whimpered in the background. Wylan looked at them embarrassed and confused. He had thought they would be happy to get rid of him. It's not like they were gonna protect him against his father. He needed to leave, he knew that he wouldn't survive his father's clutches again. Kaz stared at Wylan, letting him think he was pondering this deal but in reality he was bracing himself for the on coming battle. 

"No." 

"What do you mean no?!?!" Wylan's voice rising with panic slowly creeping in. 

"I said no. You don't get to leave. You're my demolition man. I decide when to release you of that title. You'll stay here with us as a crow."

"Kaz-" both Inej and Jesper called out but this was a showdown between him and Wylan. 

"I have to leave Kaz." 

"No you don't." 

"Yes I do!" Wylan said forcefully. He needed Kaz to let him go but he wasn't backing down. 

"Why?!" Demanded Kaz. 

"BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!!" Wylan screamed, bursting into tears. Jesper had enough. 

"GET OUT!" He yelled at the rest of them. 

"Jesper?!" Inej called out but Jesper was done. He wasn't going to let Wylan suffer any longer. 

"Get out!!! You aren't helping him!!!! You're making it worse!! Get out!!"

He demanded as he started pushing them out of their room. The only reason Kaz allowed himself to be pushed out is because he knew if he didn't, he would destroy whatever trust Jesper and Wylan had left for him. Once they were all out, Jesper rushed to Wylan's side and wrapped him up in his arms. He pulled Wylan to his chest and rocked him back and forth.

"You're okay." "I got you." It's okay." "I won't let them hurt you." He chanted into Wylan curls. All Wylan could do was cling onto Jesper like an anchor. 

"Jes." Wylan hiccuped through his tears. 

"Yeah, Wy?" Jesper wiped his tears away.

"I don't want to die." He sobbed out. Jesper crushed Wylan to his chest. 

"I won't let that happen to you, Wylan. I will protect you with my life. I won't let anyone touch you." He promised his boyfriend.

He wouldn't let anything bad happen to him. Wylan cried his heart out in his lover's arms. The arms that bring him such security and strength. He has missed Jesper so much and from the way Jesper was holding him, it seems that Jesper missed him as well. Jesper peppered kisses all over Wylan. In his hair, his forehead, his face, his lips, everywhere he could reach. These kisses couldn't undo the damage that had been done but it was a start. They felt like soothing ointment being rubbed on a wound. To start the healing process, that's what Jesper was doing. With each promise, each kiss, and holding Wylan safely in his arms, the healing process began to take hold of them. 

When Wylan was once again out of tears, it was time for Jesper to make amends. He pulled up Wylan's chin so that he could see that he meant every word. "Wylan, I am so sorry for what I did. If you want to leave-" Jesper breath hitched at the idea of Wylan leaving. He held him tighter not wanting to let that possibility become a reality but not having a choice in the matter.

"If you want to leave, I will do everything in my power to help you but Wylan." Tears started to well up in Jesper making Wylan gasp. He had never seen Jesper cry, it was both beautiful and heartbreaking. "Please don't leave. Please stay. Please let me make it right. I love you Wylan. What I did was selfish and stupid and I don't deserve your forgiveness nor do I deserve you in my arms but please!!! Please stay! Please let me love you! Please let me show you how much you mean to me!" Jesper sobbed as he pulled Wylan back into his chest.

He needs Wylan to stay. He didn't know how in love he was with Wylan until he almost lost him. It was Wylan's turn to hold Jesper. They both held each other trying to heal wounds inflicted on them. When Jesper pulled away to take a breath, Wylan kissed him with all the love in his heart. This kiss was to chase away any doubt either of them had about each other. Jesper kissed Wylan like he would never get the chance again. Their tears were mingling but neither of them pulled away, instead they deepened the kiss. Giving each other everything they had to offer. When they were both gasping for air it was when they pulled away. Wiping each other's tears they both let out an amused giggle. Who was comforting who??

"Jesper?"

"Yes, Wylan?"

"I don't want to leave. I just don't want to die."

"You won't. Let me fix this Wylan. Let me fix us." Jesper said, tightening his embrace even more, making Wylan huff in amusement.

"Don't abandon me. Don't leave me out to dry. Don't push me away." Wylan pleaded looking into those piercing gray eyes that have become home to him.

"I can handle harsh words, I can handle harsh blows, but I won't survive being left alone." He said borrowing closer into Jesper neck. Jesper kissed him on the cheeks and promised.

"I won't do it again. I swear I will always be here waiting with open arms." Wylan nodded, giving his boyfriend the chance to undo the damage that had been done. The rest of the night was spent in each other's embrace. Kisses, vows, and confessions were shared between them. As the night came to close both lovers fell asleep with each other's devotion on their lips.

"I love you Wylan." Jesper whispered like it was a secret for only Wylan to hear. Nuzzling closer to Jesper Wylan whispered, "I love you too Jesper." 

Chapter Text

The next morning was the first morning that had felt normal to Wylan. Waking up in Jesper arms, receiving morning kisses all over his face.

"Morning my prince." Jes whispered over his lips before kissing him sweetly. Wylan moaned into this kiss basking in the attention he was getting. Jesper had not let him go at all last night. He just molded his body to accommodate Wylan. He was very serious about undoing the pain he had inflicted. Even now as Wylan tried to leave the bed to bathe, Jesper was like a second set of limbs to Wylan. He followed him everywhere and some needy insecure part of Wylan loved it. This was a new level of intimacy they were experiencing. Wylan leaned against Jesper as they bathed each other. Sharing loving words and affection between each other. Wylan could truly lean on Jesper, being sure he wasn't gonna let him fall. 

"You don't have to face them if you don't want to." Wylan thought about it as he and Jesper got dressed for breakfast and decided he needed to face the other crows. He needed to face Kaz if he planned to stay with them. Jesper nodded with Wylan's decision ; it just meant he had to be more on guard in case he needed to step in and protect Wylan again. Entering the dining area in The Slat was interesting to say the least. Inej was at the bottom already waiting for them, Nina was shyly sitting at the bar, and Kaz was leaning against his office door watching them all.

Wylan pulled Inej to him in a bone crushing hug. She giggled and returned his hug with her own bear hug. "Glad to have you back, Wy." He nodded,

"Glad to be back." When he pulled away from her, he saw Nina trying to discreetly watch them. It was off seeing Nina not be her confident self. Wylan slowly approached her at the bar,

"Thanks again for the soup, it was delicious." He said, causing Nina to jump off her stool and face him. "Seriously Wylan don't mention it, I will do it again in a heartbeat." He nodded letting Nina decide how this apology would play out. Taking a deep breath, Nina grabbed Wylan's hand and brought them up to her heart.

"I don't deserve your forgiveness, I don't deserve to call myself your friend, and I especially don't deserve your kindness but if given the opportunity I would like to make things right. I am sorry for what I said and what I did. I was cruel and an asshole, I would totally understand if you hate my guts and told me to go fuck myself." Nina waited for Wylan to lash at her the way she had him but Wylan wasn't someone who thrived on being vindictive. He pulled Nina into a hug and whispered the same demands he has told Jesper.

"Don't push me away, Don't let me suffer alone. Harsh words and blows are something I know how to deal with but being left to suffer is something I won't survive." Nina nodded with tears in her eyes. She was trying not to cry but Wylan kindness felt like something she did not deserve.

"I promise to be a better friend and if you want me to suck the life out of your father, I will gladly do that as well." Wylan giggled at Nina bloodthirstiness but shook his head.

"Just be here when I need you." He said looking up at her through his lashes. She promised as she crushed Wylan in the hug. After a few more apologies Wylan turned to Jesper knowing that no matter what happened with Kaz he would need them.

"Can we have a cuddle party in our room after breakfast?"

"Of course!!!" Nina, Jes, and Inej agreed, surrounding him in a warming embrace. Wylan pulled away nodding and turned to go into Kaz office.

Once inside Kaz gestured for Wylan to sit, not leaving much room to argue. As Wylan sat, he wondered if he was going to have demand an apology or if Kaz would even bother apologizing at all. It was tense between them because they had both failed each other in ways neither would ever admit to each other. Kaz failed Wylan by being just as cruel as his father. Wylan hated that somehow Kaz had become a weird mix of a father/older brother figure to him. It is why some part of him always craved Kaz's approval. Wylan had failed Kaz in giving into his fears and emotions. He caved into Kaz's cruelty, didn't put up a fight, didn't try to see the situation from a new angle.

"How are you feeling?" Kaz asked, sitting atop of his desk and having his full attention on Wylan.

"Better." Wylan responded, not sure what else to say. Kaz nodded.

"So I wasn't entirely honest when you asked me 'why I chose you to be our demo man'," Wylan's eyes grew wide, unsure what that had to do with any of this but nodded for Kaz to continue. He cleared his throat and said,

"Part of it was as I said because I knew your father would be pissed his son was a part of The Dregs as soon as he found out. But the other part was because you were the only one capable of holding that title. Pim and Raske are novices when it comes to explosives and the only other decent demolition man used to work for Pekka Rollins. When I asked for your help the first time, against the Darkling I knew I would win. I knew anything you created was powerful enough to go against the saints themselves." Wylan gasped.

He never would have thought he would hear praise from Kaz. His mind was reeling as Kaz continued to speak.

"You know, I couldn't understand how you ended up in The Barrel. You said you weren't a merchant son material but you're wrong. Being a merchant requires more than just the basic knowledge of reading. It requires wit, cunningness, and the ability to sway a room in one's favor." Kaz gave Wylan a pointed look.

"You have all those traits and then some." It was at that moment that Wylan realized this was Kaz's way of apologizing, not someone to give out compliments.

Kaz's way of showing any form of emotion was by explaining someone's value to him. That's why the dumbass had called Inej a valuable investment. Wylan wasn't sure whether he wanted to laugh or to cry, he also wasn't sure if Kaz would survive that. Wylan cleared his throat and asked,

"So where do we go from here?" Kaz raised an eyebrow at Wylan like it should have been obvious.

"We are going to take everything your father has and give it to."

"But I don't want that."

"Why not?"

"Because it won't do anything. It won't undo the damage, it will just make my life harder." Kaz wanted to shake Wylan, he wanted him to understand that it wasn't about undoing anything but settling a score.

Wylan deserves to be the head of his house, having his money, and live a good life. He wasn't supposed to be struggling for scraps like the rest of him. Also it wouldn't hurt Kaz to have some connections in the merchant council. But as he looked at Wylan, he knew he wasn't ready for that yet. So Kaz will let it go for now.

"What do you want?" Wylan shrugged.

"I want to be safe from my father's clutches, I don't want to die, I want to stay here with Jesper, Nina, Inej." 'And you' was left unspoken in the air between them.

Kaz nodded, already planning things. He won't promise him anything but he could plan and have options. After a few more words Kaz watches Wylan rejoin the gang as he was pulled into a comforting group hug. Getting kisses from Jesper and Nina. Holding Inej's hand and enjoying the comfort of affection. Kaz's heart aches at the easy display of affection in front of him. He wished he could join them but he also knew that could never be him. All he could do was protect his crows from afar. 

Later when the cooked chime 13 bells(3pm). Kaz found his crows in Jesper and Wylan bed. Jesper on the left, Wylan and Inej in the middle and Nina on the right. Peacefully sleeping in each other's embrace. Kaz slowly approached the end of the bed and sat down. This is the closest he could ever be with his crows. A small smile graced Kaz face as he looked down at his crows. They were strong and could overcome anything.