Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Are you nervous?" Maddie asks on the phone." 

"No? Not really. I'm kinda excited." He smiles as he checks he has all of his things with him, going through his bag for what feels like the hundredth time. "It's a little bit surreal, though. I still feel like I'm dreaming." He chuckles and he can hear Maddie laugh on the other side of the line. 

"Well, it's real, little brother. And it's what you deserve." Her voice softens. "Have I told you how happy and proud I am?" 

"Like a million times." Buck rolls his eyes, exasperated but fond. "But thank you, Mads. I appreciate it." He eyes the flight attendant helping a passenger a few rows ahead and he knows soon he'll have to cut his call with his sister short. "Listen, I love you but I gotta go. My flight it's about to start—"

"Yeah, okay! Let me know how it goes, alright? Love you." Buck says goodbye and ends the call. 

He runs a hand through his hair and sighs, as he gets more comfortable on his seat. If he'd known having his book optioned as a movie would be this stressful, he would've thought twice before signing the contract. 

It's good! Amazing, really! A dream come true! But— 

Well, Buck still has to send a finished draft for his third book to his publisher, and he has to start thinking of the next project. On top of that, working on this movie— even if it's just as a guiding voice to keep the essence of the story and nothing more— it's still kind of a lot. 

Here he is, sitting on a, frankly inhuman, early morning flight to L.A. He would prefer to stay in Texas for a little while longer, maybe go to his favorite coffee shop and get some writing done as the background noise of people going on about their day lulls him into a sense of normalcy and peacefulness. 

Buck is fantasizing about a possible ending for his third book, his mind filling with imaginary scenarios and loose lines of dialogue— only to be pulled abruptly back to reality as another passenger jostles his shoulder with their backpack, as they make their way down the aisle of the plane. 

It's going to be worth it. It's going to be worth it. He repeats himself. Throwing away his writing routine and getting on this crowded flight it's going to be worth it, he needs to remind himself. He'll get to meet the film production team who's going to be working hard to turn thousands of pages he wrote into a movie. And he'll get to help with the casting. 

Buck is pretty excited about that, he has to admit. 

He's imagined his characters for so long, has thought about what makes them thick, what makes them interesting, what makes them compelling to his fans and yeah, he's grown attached to them, if he's being honest. Getting to have a say on who plays them, getting to see as they're brought to life? Buck is already vibrating with happiness and giddiness at the mere idea. 

He's being thrown into this new and terrifying venture of watching his words, his personal stories, being brought to life on the big screen. 

Truth be told, Buck never really intended to become a writer. It never was a childhood dream or something he's pursued since he has a memory. 

No. 

But when he left Hershey behind on own, with not even Maddoe to keep him company, nights grew lonelier and colder. He remembers a lot of the time having to sleep on the backseat of the Jeep and staring at the starry night sky through the window, imagining fantastic and wonderful stories that would give him an escape. 

He thinks somewhere between finishing bartender school in Perú and joining the SEALs, just to quit halfway through training, he started writing down these stories. 

At first they were short and chaotic, not making much sense. 

But then these ideas in his head started taking a shape of their own, the inspiration flowed through him easily and before he knew it, he had the draft of his first book in his hands. 

Maybe he was always meant to get here, since Maddie would make up stories for him to tell him before sleep. Since he has memory, Maddie would tell him a story before bed, in whispered low tones, behind their parents back. 

Raised by neglecting parents who often left them to their own devices, Maddie has been tasked with watching Buck after school, making him dinner, helping with homework and putting him to bed. 

Maybe that's the starting point that led him to where he is right now, maybe that's when his love for making beliefs and stories of heroes and dreams was born. 

His first book was about a young girl helping a single father to solve the mystery of his late wife's murder. Buck always had a fascination for true crime and the female main character is strong and fierce, just like Maddie. When he first sent the book to a small publishing agency, though, his hopes were low. 

Until Bobby Nash contacted him and told him he'd make anything and everything to get Buck out there unto the world. 

Bobby changed the trajectory of Buck's life, more than he ever imagined anyone would. 

Bobby was the first person, besides Maddie, to believe in Buck. To have faith in him and to see him, see his full potential. 

Now, five years later, Buck has published the first two novels in his Web of Lies and Bones series, 'Leave the Light On' and 'Find Me Where The Spirits Meet the Bones'. 

The third book it's still in the works and Buck is being pressured to finally finish it and give up the draft. He's staring down at that deadline with dread and fear and anxiety, so maybe this will actually be a welcomed distraction. Who knows?

If he's being completely honest here, he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The first book has been way easier for him to write, with less public pressure, no one else to disappoint but himself. The words have poured out of him with ease and naturally. But since he released the second book the series has gained traction and rocketed to the top of the best sellers list. 

 People started talking about his book in TV shows, on Instagram, on Tik Tok. They've left five star reviews after five star reviews until his book was the best rated book in GoodReads. It's been a wild trip to say the least. 

Looking back now, he's grateful he kept his real identity a secret and instead went with an artistic name, so to say. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, please find your seats.” The in flight announcement brings Buck out of his thoughts, reminding him where he is. 

He fiddles with his notebook (where he keeps his ideas and notes for future books or plotlines), a nervous habit that he's gained in the last few months. Normally he would burn off his nervous energy by going for a run, or maybe an intense workout at his garage gym, but he can't really do any of that now, can he? He's confined to his seat for the next few hours. 

“Sorry, excuse me,” a soft, but slightly gravelly voice says next to him.. Looking up he sees a brunette guy wearing sunglasses and a dark blue baseball cap standing in the aisle beside him. 

“I’m at the window,” he gestures pointing to the empty seat beside Buck.

"Oh, yeah, of course." He says, standing up and letting the man pass, as he quickly settles into his seat, placing a backpack at his feet. 

Buck sits back down and curiously turns to the guy, watching as he takes off the sunglasses and hat, running his hand through his short hair. 

Holy crap, with the baseball cap and the sunglasses removed, Buck realizes he isn't just any guy. It's Eddie Diaz. 

The Eddie Diaz. 

Eddie Diaz as in, one of Buck's favorite actors. The man who starred in Buck's favorite movie and— embarrassingly enough, the man Buck's had some interesting dreams about, after watching him on the latest Top Gun project. 

Buck blushes at the memory. 

He feels the plane beginning to move, preparing for take off and he tries to calm himself. 

Act normal, you idiot. 

And then he notices Eddie has a book in his hands. 

But not any book. 

Buck's book. 

"Interesting read?" Buck asks and when Eddie shoots him a confused look, he nods towards the book in his lap. "Leave The Light On?" 

"Oh! Yeah, it's one of my favorite books." Eddie smiles, shy and charming. "I've read the series like, a thousand times." 

"Really? Huh?"  Buck feels his heart thump erratically inside of him. 

Holy shit, holy shit. Eddie Diaz read his books. 

Eddie Diaz read his books a thousand times. 

Honestly, how is Buck supposed to act normal after such revelation? 

"I'm actually flying to an audition right now. Hopefully to be part of the movie for the book." Eddie says and then frowns. "Oh shit, I don't know if I should've told you that." 

Buck tries not to outright laugh in the guy's face. That would be rude and Buck wouldn't be able to explain why he was laughing anyway. 

Despite being a best seller author, very few people know about his identity, since he chose to go by another name when he publishes the books. The world knows all about 'Daniel E. Buckley' and nothing about him. 

"It's okay." He leans forward and grins, squinting one of his eyes and shrugging. "Your secret's safe with me.' 

"Thanks, I appreciate that." Eddie laughs and she holds out a hand to shake. "I'm Eddie Diaz, by the way." 

Buck shakes the hand, his fingers lingering maybe more than it's socially acceptable but Eddie doesn't seem to mind. "I know." He groans and ducks his head, embarrassed. "Sorry, that was rude. I'm Buck." He goes back to fiddling with his notebook, his fingers tingling where they touched Eddie's. 

"It's okay. Happens to me all the time." Eddie shrugs and then hesitates for a few seconds. "You're not a crazy stalker, right?" 

Buck blinks and gazes up at the guy. "Uh, no?" 

"You don't sound so sure there, bud." 

"I'm not a crazy stalker, I swear!" Buck widens his eyes and then he sees Eddie's kips twitch up the slightest bit, amused and teasing. "Oh, you're totally messing with me. I see how it is." He pretends to be offended but the grin in his face surely gives him away. "Hollywood stars. Assholes, all of them." 

"Hey!" Eddie frowns, but his lips are still slightly turned up. 

The airplane begins to move faster, accelerating down the runway. Buck’s never really been a fan of planes, his mind conjuring up crashes and terrible accidents and the worst possible scenarios. He’s catastrophizing, to put it mildly.

The plane noses upward, and soon the wheels lift off the ground. They are airborne. 

Buck is squeezing his seat for dear life, taking deep, shaky breaths. 

“So, what brings you to L.A, if you’re clearly not one of us Hollywood assholes?” Eddie asks, teasing and playful, probably trying to distract Buck.Which, actually kinda works. Buck now needs to focus on what he says next. Should he reveal himself as the author of Eddie’s favorite books and possible future movies ? His anonymity it’s not for anything serious, just him wanting the luxury of privacy and not having people dissect and analyze every possible mistake or thing in his life. Surely Eddie would understand that more than anyone else. 

But, Buck is tempted to see what else Eddie has to say about the books and its characters and which one he’s hoping to audition for. 

“My boss is flying me out for a few business meetings, he wants me to look at some new projects.” Buck says, vague enough that Eddie raises an eyebrow at him. 

“So, you’re a businessman? Huh, I didn’t peg you for the corporate lifestyle, I gotta say.”

Buck frowns. “What does that even mean?”

“I don’t know, you just seem…” Eddie shrugs. “Not like the type, I guess.”

“That’s super specific. Are you sure you’re not a crazy stalker?” Buck says dryly and Eddie shoves at his shoulder. “No, seriously. Have you been watching me all this time? I feel concerned for my safety.”

“Oh God, you are such a brat.” Eddie shakes his head and Buck can’t help but to smile. 

“I get that a lot, believe it or not.” Mostly from Bobby, every time Buck is late on a deadline, but he doesn’t say that. “So, anyway. What are you auditioning for? What character, I mean.”

Eddie hesitates for a few seconds but then continues, as if deciding he can trust Buck. That little detail makes his heart flutter, for some strange reason. “The male lead. Gabriel— He’s a single dad, trying to find out the real murder that killed his wife.”

“I’m familiar with the series.” Buck covers his mouth with his hand and leans a little bit closer. “So, why Gabriel? I mean, there’s other parts, right?”

“Yeah,” Eddie looks down at the book in his hands and then back at Buck. “My agent thinks I would be a better fit for the police sergeant, actually. Joey.” Eddie grimaces. “It’s a good part and I would have tons of scenes, so that’s not really an issue. It’s just— I don’t know. I guess I really connect with Gabriel’s character. I relate to him a lot… probably more than I’d like to admit.”

“How so?” Buck asks, curious and enthralled by this guy. But then he comes to his senses and shakes his head. “Sorry, I don’t wanna be intrusive or anything.”

“It’s okay.” Eddie waves his concerns away, “I, uh, have a son. Christopher.” He licks his lips. "It's just him and I, you know? His mom— Well, she didn't die and she certainly wasn't murdered." Eddie chuckles uncomfortably. "But sometimes it does feel like I'm being haunted by her ghost." He swallows thickly and shrugs again. "Reading of Gabriel and his journey? I guess it made me feel less alone." 

There's a beat of silence where Buck doesn't know what to say. Usually he's great with words— that's kinda his job, after all. But he doesn't know now, wanting to comfort Eddie but knowing that's impossible. They're strangers, they barely know each other, Buck is lying to him, there are no existent words that could make Eddie's situation any better. Take your pick. 

"I'm really sorry, man." It's what Buck says in the end, the words feeling pathetic and lame as they come out. 

"It is what it is." Eddie shrugs. "I really think I could do this, y'know? Bring Gabriel to life." He grimaces. "Sorry, I'm kinda dumping all of this in you." 

"It's okay. Since I'm your crazy stalker, all of this information is fascinating to me." He jokes. 

Eddie fixes him with a stare, "He, ha. You're so funny."

"Seriously, though. I promise I won't sell any of this to TMZ or anything."

"They'd probably pay you shit anyway." Eddie smirks. 

"Going back to your audition, I think you would make an amazing Gabriel." Buck says genuinely. 

"Really?" 

"Yeah. You really understand the character and from what I've seen, you're a great actor." Buck smiles. "They'd be fools not to choose you."

He is being honest about that. After all, he might sit for the auditions and he might have some notes but the final decision will be out of his hands. 

"I wonder if the author will be there." Eddie mutters, his fingers sliding through the pages of his used book. It looks very loved, with some of the pages twisted at the edges and the cover a little worse for wear. "No one has ever seen him, I think. No one knows who he is. The mystery is kinda killing me, not gonna lie." 

Buck swallows hard. "Oh yeah?" 

"Yeah. My Abuela— she's also a fan of the books. And so are my sisters. We sometimes talk about it, who it could be." 

"Do you have any theories?" 

"Not really? My Abuela thinks it's this telenovela actor but she also thinks he can do no wrong and that he's perfect, like he shits rainbows or something." Eddie rolls his eyes, but his voice is dripping with fondness. "I doubt it's him." 

"Yeah, probably not. Any other suspects?"

"Well, my younger sister Sophia is convinced the author is actually the cashier at the grocery store around her house, she swears up and down the guy is this secret genius that has the entire series planned out on his phone? Don't ask me why she thinks that." Eddie shakes his head.

"My older sister, Adriana, thinks it's her husband. But she's also kinda insane and her husband is… well, I don't wanna be mean but I doubt he could write a series as good as A Web of Lies and Bones. He sometimes just needs time alone in his studio— I think? I grew up with Adriana and I can understand why he would lock himself there sometimes." 

Eddie rambles, a little self conscious but not wanting to stop. Buck is listening with so much attention— Eddie's just met him, but the focus of the guy makes him want to keep talking, makes him want to stay in that moment for as long as possible. 

Buck laughs. "Your family sure is something else." He tilts his head to the side, resting it against the seat of the plane. "And what do you think?" 

Eddie shrugs. "I don't think it's anyone famous or anything like that. They probably chose to stay in anonymity for a reason. But that doesn't stop me from being curious, of course." 

"That's valid." 

"You wanna hear something funny?" 

Buck grins. "Always." 

"For a while I was convinced the author was one of my son's teachers. Mr. Miller." Eddie chuckles. "I would ask him the strangest questions at teacher-parent conferences, trying to catch him in a lie. The poor man didn't know what I was doing." He shakes his head. "Once I even tried snooping through his desk. Got caught and was sent to the principal's office." Eddie grimaces and Buck laughs. "Not my finest moment, I'll admit." 

Eddie still remembers the expression in Mr. Miller's face, how terrified the poor man was of Eddie. He also had to transfer Chris to another class, his son dying of embarrassment. It was a whole thing that Eddie wishes he could forget. 

"That's hilarious, actually. You should tell that story at your audition, I'm sure the author will love that."

"He'll probably think I'm a crazy stalker." 

"Oh, wouldn't that be ironic?" Buck bites down a smile. He flexes his fingers, stretching his tense joints. He really should be working on his next book, should be finishing loose plot points or maybe even thinking of new ideas for the fourth installment. 

Talking to Eddie it's so much more entertaining, though. And more interesting and funnier and just— better, Buck guesses. 

"Besides, you're like— pretty famous, right? I'm sure this is just a formality." 

Eddie makes a gesture with his hand, as if saying 'so, so.' 

"I wouldn't be so sure. I've never played a part like this. All my characters have been there for my looks or sometimes comedic timing. This would be the first, real serious big role of my career." Eddie sighs. "And I really want this, you know? Gabriel is smart and fierce, witty and interesting and has depth to him. He's not perfect, of course, but he grows and he learns and he transforms. Playing him not only would be an honor, but it could completely change my career as I know it." 

"If it helps you in anything, I heard the author is kinda easy. Bat your pretty eyelashes at him and he'll be at your feet." Buck mutters, feeling bad about lying now but being in too deep to do anything now. 

Eddie squints his eyes at him. "How do you know that?" 

"I, uh…" He blinks. Fuck. 

Think, Buckley. Think. 

"I work at an editorial. One of my colleagues knows him. He's not that bad or an asshole, trust me. You'll be fine." 

"Huh." Eddie nods slowly. "Okay." He looks back down. "I probably should review the script and my notes, before we land." 

"Oh yeah, don't let me keep you from that." Buck rushes out. 

Eddie gives him one last smile before he gets the script out of his back. Out of the corner of his eye, Buck can see a bunch of lines highlighted in neon green and notes on the margins, not to mention some post it notes here and there. 

Buck is kinda curious to see Eddie's notes. What did he add? Why are there so many notes? 

Buck's read the script himself and had some notes of his own, but he's the author. He's the creator of the story, so it makes sense for him to have notes, right? 

He's buzzing with reckless energy, vibrating with curiosity. Despite barely knowing the guy, Buck finds himself wanting to know him. Wanting to have access to Eddie's mind, to his thoughts and musings. 

Would he like the third book Buck's working on? Would he feel disappointed by the, frankly, predictable ending so far? 

Buck should definitely focus on that, working on a better ending for the third book and open enough to make people excited for the fourth and last installment but his mind is coming up blank, and he's too paranoid.

What if Eddie reads over his shoulder and finds out Buck it's actually the author? 

Would that be that bad anyway?

Yeah, he's too far into it now. 

He'll find out eventually, an annoying voice inside of him reminds him. 

Not yet, though. 

Eddie keeps quiet, flipping through the script to reread certain scenes, and Buck catches himself watching the guy mouth the words noiselessly.  It's enthralling, and he can almost figure out what scene specifically he's reading. 

Yeah, Buck's staring, definitely. Probably like the crazy stalker Eddie first accused him of, but he can't help it! 

Now that he's thought about it, Buck can't imagine anyone else for Gabriel than Eddie. He's perfect for the character and well, he's also easy on the eyes, sue him. 

Every once in a while, Eddie would open the book and flip to a page with surprising accuracy, to reference the script with the original source, and then he’d add a few more notes in the margins.

Buck can't help but to smile.

The idea of his book becoming a movie has been terrifying at first. He's seen some of the atrocities out there— don't even get him started on Eragon or Oercy Jackson. 

And while he would admit that he is already impressed with the production team for even bringing him aboard to help keep the integrity of the book as they transformed it for the big screen, he is still apprehensive about the whole endeavor. 

He doesn't want his series to suffer the same awful fate as the others, and doesn't want it to become a joke or a meme. Doesn't want people to brush his books and the stories he's spent so long building up off just because the movie didn't meet the expectations. 

But looking at Eddie? How passionate he is in his craft, how much care he's already putting into the character, how gently he is handling it? Buck feels hope. 

Because yes, Gabriel is fierce and smart and interesting, he's flawed and a great father, but also stubborn and a little too skeptical for his own good, on occasions. Buck doesn't know Eddie that well but he can't see anyone else bringing the character to life. 

It's Eddie. 

Buck sighs and looks down at his notebook. He might as well work on his other ideas. He doesn't want to keep staring and make it weird, after all. 

He goes to a blank page and starts writing down loose thoughts he's had for another book series. This time a fantasy, thinking it might be a fun challenge. 

Maddie always had a thing for telling him stories about dragons and brave knights with magical swords. Maybe Buck could write an ode to those stories he heard from her when he was little. 

They both work in silence and Buck is surprised to see how much he gets done. Working next to Eddie is just as peaceful as if he were inside his favorite coffee shop, from here he can even smell a hint of the guy's cologne— woodsy and with sprinkles of citrics. 

Soon, they're flight is almost coming to an end. The flight attendant reminds everyone to fasten their seatbelts over the speaker. The noise makes both Buck and Eddie gaze up from their works. Seeing as Eddie straightens in his seat, Buck quickly closes his notebook and puts it inside his handbag. 

"Feel ready for your audition?" 

"Yeah, I think so." Eddie runs a hand through his hair and stretches in his place, his shirt lifting up the slightest bit and gracing Buck with the smallest sight of tan skin. 

He swallows hard and looks away. 

And the  realization hits him— 

They'll see each other again at the audition. Buck stops and takes a deep breath, suddenly anxious and nervous.  

Eddie raises an eyebrow inquisitively. "Are you okay, man?" 

"Yeah, just—" Buck huffs. "Remembered something." 

"What?" 

"It's not important. I'm okay." He shakes his shoulders, trying to let loose and relax himself. 

It's okay. They barely know each other, surely Eddie won't be mad. 

And even if he is, why does Buck care so much? Why is he already so affected by the idea of what this man might think of him?

So many questions, so little answers. 

The flight attendants call their attention to the plane’s descent and both Eddie and Buck quickly repack their bags and return their tables to the upright position.  

In a matter of a few short moments, the plane has landed safely on the ground and they are taxiing toward the landing gate. 

“Hey, so I’m really glad you didn’t turn out to be a creepy stalker.” Eddie says, turning to face him in the final moments aboard the airplane. "I, uh, really enjoyed talking to you." 

Buck grins, bashfully. "Me too. And hey! Maybe I lied and I am actually a creepy stalker. You've fallen into my trap, that was the plan all along. I've seduced you into a false sense of safety." He crunches up his nose and shakes his head. "You know what, that was funnier in my head but in reality it sounded really weird and psychotic. Please forget I ever said that." 

Eddie laughs. "You're a dork." 

"I've been told worse. Your words don't hurt me, Diaz." Buck shoots him an easy smile, even though he's yelling at himself inside. God, he really is an idiot. 

Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

"So… this is goodbye, I guess." Eddie says awkwardly, looking around, at the people leaving the plane.

"Uh, I know you're famous and even though I was totally joking, I could be a creepy stalker, so, like—" Buck licks his suddenly dry lips. "It's okay if you say no, I would totally understand it. But, uh—" 

"Yeah, I'll give you my number." Eddie cuts him off, smiling soft and careful. His eyes glisten with something that Buck can't quite decipher. "I probably shouldn't, you're right. But— I trust you." 

That's— that means more to Buck than it should, probably. "Okay," he says anyway, and pulls out his phone from his bag. 

"Is that, uh— is that your girlfriend?" Eddie asks, a weird edge to his voice, as he glances at the home screen picture of Buck and Maddie, in one of their many Buckley's nights. 

Maddie is very visibly pregnant and smiling at the camera, as Buck kisses her cheek. 

"Oh, God, no! No!" Buck shakes his head, feeling grossed out at just the mere idea of being confused as Maddie's boyfriend. "No. No" He says, finality in his voice. "She's my sister. My married, pregnant sister." He clarifies, just in case Eddie likes her and expects Buck to be a wingman or something. 

That would be a nightmare. 

They exchange numbers and then Eddie grins at him. "I'll let you know if I get the part?" 

Buck ducks his head and smiles bashfully at the ground, "I don't know," he looks up again at Eddie. "I have a good feeling about this. I think you'll get it." 

Again, Buck really doesn't have the final say on that decision. But he'll strongly recommend Eddie for the part and hope for the best."

"I hope you're right." 

Buck follows him off the plane, and as soon as they part ways, he wonders how Eddie will react when he sees Buck sooner than he expected. 

Guess he'll find out in a couple hours. 

–

When Eddie gets to his hotel room, the first thing he does is power up his laptop. He ignores the scripts his agent has sent— he's only interested in one movie at the moment, anyway— and he immediately opens up the skype app. 

"Hey, Soph." Eddie greets his sister once her face shows on screen. His voice is hoarse and he can tell he sounds tired, so Sophia is immediately frowning with concern.

"You didn't rest on the plane like I told you to do?" 

"You know I'm older than you, right? You're not supposed to be scolding me like I'm a kid." 

"Then stop acting like one." Sophia rolls her eyes and Eddie remembers now why he asked Adriana first to take care of Chris. 

"Yeah, yeah. Is Chris okay?" 

"He's playing with his cousins. Relax, bro." Eddie can see Sophia folding laundry as they speak and he sighs. "Anyway, are you ready for your audition? How was your flight? Have you called mom and dad yet?" 

"Jesus Christ, Soph,one at the time, would you?" 

Sophia only smirks at him and Eddie has to resist the urge to close the laptop on her face. Siblings really can be a pain in the ass. 

"Yeah, I'm ready for my audition. Know my lines perfectly, could recite them in my sleep." He says, "My flight was alright, I met this guy, we talked. It was nice." He says quickly and rushes to keep talking, hoping Sophia won't zero in on that bit of information. "Haven't talked to mom and dad yet, I'll call them later." 

"Wait, wait— Hold on. Go back to the part where you met a guy." Sophia is suddenly all up in front of the camera, so close that Eddie can see the little pimple on his right temple and every freckle on her nose. "Did you give him his number? What's his name? What does he do for a living? Are you guys going on a date?" 

"Seriously, Soph. Stop with so many questions." Eddie frowns at the screen. "You're like a drill Sergeant. Also, step away from the screen, I'm begging you. I can see your nostrils." He scrunches up his nose, grimacing in disgust. 

"So…? Are you guys going on a date? What's this guy's name?" 

"He's Buck." 

"What kind of name is Buck? " Sophia shakes her head. "What's his real name?" 

And Eddie— 

Well, he can't really answer that, can he? 

"I, uh, don't know. He didn't say." He shrugs. "It was a short flight." 

"Okay… what does he do?" 

"Uh, I think he works at a publishing agency." Eddie says. Buck said that, right? He had a colleague who knows about Daniel E. Buckley's secret identity, because he works at a publishing company. 

Right? 

Yeah, Eddie is pretty sure that's right. 

Sophia looks skeptical now, way less excited than a few seconds ago. Some dread starts to slip in between the cracks inside Eddie's heart. 

"And… does he know who you are?" 

"Yeah, he recognized me almost immediately." Eddie answers and then— yeah, okay. He knows how stupid and bad that sounds. "Sophie—" 

"Eddie," Sophia sighs. "This guy sounds—" 

The alarm going off from his phone cuts her off. Eddie glances at the screen and reads the reminder that his audition is close and he should be leaving in a few minutes. 

"Listen, Soph. I don't have time to do this right now. Can you put Chris on, so I can talk to him before my audition?" 

"Alright, but this isn't over, Edmundo." She points a warning finger at him. "We will talk more about this mystery guy of yours." 

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." 

Sophia calls for Christopher and a few minutes later his son is taking the majority of the screen. All the worries about strangers and Buck and stupid auditions fade away, as he smiles at his son. 

"Hey, mijo! Te estás portando bien? Are you having a good time with Auntie Soph?" 

"Yeah! Alex is pretty cool and he let me play with him and some of his friends from school." Chris is talking excitedly and a slight ache takes place in Eddie's chest. God, he really wishes he could be there. 

"That's awesome, bud!" 

"I miss you, though. When are you coming back?" 

"Uh, it depends on how the audition goes. If I get a callback I might need to stay for a couple of weeks. And if I get the part we'll probably have to move." He frowns. "Is that okay?" 

"Yeah, I know that's your job." Chris rolls his eyes, as if it's the most obvious thing on the planet, there's no resentment nor annoyance in his voice. If anything, just some exasperated fondness. "And L.A is cool. Maybe I could learn to surf?' He asks hopefully, his eyebrows raising and a small grin lifting up the corner of his lips. 

Eddie chuckles weakly. "We'll see. Let's not get ahead of ourselves, alright?" He looks at the clock on the corner bottom of the screen and sighs. "I have to go now but I'll call you soon, okay? I love you." 

"Love you, dad." 

"Te amo. Take care and listen to your aunt." Eddie says again, sending kisses until the screen turns black.

Eddie sighs again, looking around the hotel room. If everything goes okay, he might spend the next few weeks there. 

He really hopes everything works out. 

He also kinda hopes to see Buck again. 

He checks his phone, foolishly hoping for a text that isn't there and he shakes his head, trying to push the thoughts of electric blue eyes and golden blonde curls away from him. 

He needs to focus on this audition. 

He needs to win over the production team and whoever this mystery author is. 

Thoughts of Buck will have to wait. 

–

Eddie walks into the building, remembering what his agent had sent him via email. The director and producer, Howard Han and Athena Grant would be there and Eddie knows they want to do this project justice, and want to bring Daniel Buckley's stories to life. 

For what he knows, Eddie's agent had to call in a lot of favors to get him this audition. Only a few people have the honor to come here and, allegedly, also get to meet the author. He thinks. 

He's not sure if it's a rumor or an actual fact. 

Eddie rounds a corner and finds himself in a long hallway. There's a few guys already waiting— some of them Eddie recognizes from other projects and some of them are complete strangers. 

He takes a deep breath and sits down on the far corner to the right, making himself comfortable to wait for as long as he needs to. 

The audition process has always been a little nerve-wracking— having to sit there and watch as guy after guy goes in and goes out. Wondering if the production team and the casting directors have already made their decision and Eddie is just wasting time and space. Wondering if he'll be good enough or pretty enough, or talented enough. 

He doesn't know how long he sits there, maybe half an hour. Maybe more. But before he knows it, a door is opening and someone's calling his name. 

"Eddie Diaz?" 

Eddie stands up and smiles politely at the stage assistant, walking towards her.

"That's me."

"They're waiting for you, come on." 

And then Eddie is walking through the door, nervousness and excitement and a little bit of fear washing over him. His stomach is swooping and whirling all over the place and his heart is thumping erratically..

He looks up, meeting the gaze of Howard Hand and Athena Grant, smiling at them. He thinks he auditioned for a project of theirs a few years back but he can't quite remember. 

Then, he slowly turns to the person next to them, anticipation sizzling inside of him. He'll finally— 

What the actual fuck. 

No, seriously. 

What. The. Hell. 

Sitting beside Howard and Athena, is no other than the cute plane guy that's been invading Eddie's thoughts for half a day. Those electric blue eyes staring at him with something close to shame and regret, if Eddie were to guess. 

Buck. 

Eddie blinks but the vision doesn't fade. This is not a dream, nor a nightmare. 

Buck is in front of him. 

Buck, who let Eddie ramble about a book and a mystery author like an idiot. 

Buck, who is the mystery author. 

Buck is there and Eddie is not sure how to react or how to feel or what to say. 

He's confused. A little bit mad. A little bit like he wants to punch the guy in his stupid face. A little bit like he's freaking out and probably tanking his audition. 

A million questions flood his brain. 

"Whenever you're ready, Eddie." Howard says, but Eddie is frozen in place, his eyes not straining away from Buck. 

"Eddie?" Athena asks and Eddie finally manages to look away from those stupid, hypnotizing blues. 

"Uh, yeah. Sorry." He mutters and shakes his head. Eddie feels blindsided. 

Yeah, that's the word. That's it. 

Fucking blindsided. He remembers how he talked about the books, the personal details that he shared with buck as the man probably just laughed at him. 

Oh God, the story of Eddie stalking that poor professor. That was embarrassing and probably made everything ten times funnier for Buck. 

"Why don't you start reading for Gabriel? Scene 6, when he's being interrogated by the police for the murder of his wife?" That's Buck speaking, his eyes squinting and lighting up with something unreadable. His lips lift up the slightest, in a weak but careful smile. 

Eddie doesn't know what games he's playing or what his aim is, but he can't afford to just yell at him in the middle of the audition. He still needs this, wants this more than anything. 

So he just nods and faces Howard and Athena, refusing to give Buck the satisfaction to face him. To let him know how affected by this Eddie truly is. 

"Yeah, okay." Eddie says and takes a deep breath. 

When he first read the scene in the book, he'd been lost in the story from the very first word. He'd been devouring the pages every chance he got, and this particular scene had been one of his favorites. 

When he got the script, he was glad they kept it as intact as possible. 

"I have two jobs. Being a firefighter and being a dad to my kid. That's it." Eddie speaks the words that Buck wrote, and in that moment he feels like he's the character. He feels connected to Buck in a way he doesn't particularly like but that's inevitable, in a way the sun inevitably rises every morning or in the way that the sky is blue. "I'm not a murderer." He mutters, the words falling from his lips strained and full of emotion. "I loved her! I— I tried making it work— I was trying!" He looks at the people in front of him, desperation and grief dripping from every cell in his body. "I was trying." He says, this time barely above a whisper. 

He's always felt a little bit silly auditioning on his own— He finds it easier to get into character when he's dressed like it, when he has someone to engage with in the way you do with a scene partner. But still, Eddie gives it his all in this audition, really putting himself in the mindset he imagines Gabriel would be in in this scene. 

He speaks every word as if he's experiencing it in real life. And when he finally turns to Buck, despites all of his efforts to ignore the man, he delivers the last piece of dialogue with everything in him— "If you're gonna waste your time calling me a liar, then I'll find the killer on my own. I'll be whoever she needs me to be to bring her peace. I'll do your job, since apparently you can't be bothered." He sneers. 

That's the end of the scene and then the police are supposed to let him go, not having enough evidence to convict him— Eddie blinks the tears away and smiles weakly at Howard and Athena. 

"That was amazing. We'll definitely stay in touch and think thoroughly before making a decision." Howard says what every casting director ever says after an audition and Eddie nods accordingly. 

"Thank you for allowing me to audition. Have a nice day." He says, almost on autopilot. 

Buck is still looking at him in a way Eddie doesn't really understand— too intense, too much. Eddie feels oddly vulnerable, wanting to be seen by him but also wanting to hide away and he just can't deal with any of that right now. His head is a mess and he's strangely emotional after that audition, not really knowing why. 

Maybe it's because the scene almost reminds him of Shannon— The powerlessness he feels every time he thinks of her, even if she's very much not dead. The grief he still feels for the younger version of them, when they were too dumb and naive and couldn't even imagine what their future would be like. Maybe it's the throat gripping fear that Gabriel feels of failing his child and that Eddie can relate to, every single second of the day. 

Maybe it's the way he feels like an idiot, a stupid fool in front of Buck. 

Maybe it's a combination of all of these things, together. 

What the hell? It's the thought that keeps repeating inside his head. 

–

When the idea of Buck's book becoming a movie was first put on the table, it had been Chimney's idea, his brother in law. 

Buck remembers that dinner and how they came pretty close to punching each other— Chimney wanting to make the movie and bring Buck's characters into the big screen and Buck wanting to rip his eyes out with his bare hands at the mere thought of it, not wanting his books and his stories to become a cinematic joke. 

But then Athena, Bobby's wife and one of the best producers in the industry, hopped on the project. And soon enough everyone in Buck's life was making very good points, asking Buck to trust them. 

So he did. 

And it's been pretty cool so far, he has to admit. 

Except for right now, when Chim and Athena are looking at him like they want to eat him alive. 

"What did you do to that poor guy?" 

"He looked like he wanted to kill you, for a second there." Chimney frowns. 

Buck can't help but to  huckle weakly. That's not entirely false, he guesses.

"I met him on the plane, on my way here." He says. "I might have not been completely truthful about my identity, while he talked about how much he liked my book. Or that he was going to audition." Buck shrugs. "In hindsight, I could've handled that better and I feel pretty bad about it, but I'm just— I guess I'm not used to—" Buck licks his lips. "I don't know, telling anyone that I wrote those books, y'know?" 

"Okay, fine— We'll talk about that later." Chimney stirs them away from the conversation. "For now, what are your thoughts?" 

"Well, I know you guys will make the final decision and I'm probably a little biased… but I really love Eddie as Gabriel. He just— He gets the characters, and treats him with the care and seriousness he deserves." Buck raises an eyebrow and squints an eye at them. "Does that make sense?" 

"Yeah, I can see what you mean and I agree." Athena speaks up, reading over her notes. "I also liked that Ravi boy? He's not as famous, but his audition was remarkable." 

Buck and Chimney nod and yeah, Buck can agree that Ravi had delivered the lines beautifully, and would make a great Gabriel. 

It doesn't feel quite right, though? Like it's a puzzle and Ravi might have a similar piece that, with some effort and perseverance, will fit, but it wouldn't be perfect. 

It wouldn't be the correct piece. 

They talk back and forth between Eddie and Ravi, the ones who stood up the most. 

"What about Jonah Greenway?" Chimney says, a grimace on his face. "He wasn't the best, sure, but he's a household name and he has been nominated for an Oscar twice. " He tilts his head and makes a balancing gesture with his hand. "It could attract a certain audience and fanbase that Ravi and Eddie don't have." 

"Eddie is pretty known, though." 

"Yeah, but most of his work is secondary characters. Or characters with not much of a substance." 

"He's been type-casted, clearly." Buck argues, feeling strangely defensive and protective of Eddie. "We saw his potential in this audition. He's not a bad actor, not even close. He could bring Gabriel to a whole different level that I just don't see Jonah Greenway capable of." 

"I'm just stating facts here, Buckley." Chimney smirks. "I don't have anything against your boyfriend, so keep the claws to yourself."

"Chim, I swear to God—" 

"Okay, boys. Let's focus." Athena cuts them both off. 

They keep discussing the rest of the auditions but none of the men stood up enough for them to be seriously considered for the part. 

Buck still can't help but to picture Eddie as Gabriel, knowing that from now on, everytime he writes, Eddie will be the one he'll be picturing in his head. 

He looks down at his phone and hesitates for a few seconds, before quickly typing a message. 

He waits with bated breath, Chimney and Athena's voices fading away until they're barely background noise. 

He waits and he waits. 

And then he sees the little two ticks at the bottom of his messages lighting up, indicating Eddie's opened the chat and read them.

He waits and waits, but no answer comes. He resigns himself to never hearing from Eddie Diaz again. Buck can only hope that maybe, Eddie will still say yes to the project, if he ends up getting the part. 

–

As it turns out, Buck gets to see Eddie sooner than he thought. Not even for a callback, but in the middle of a small and cozy bookshop in downtown L.A. 

The majority of the books there are used, well loved and worn out with time. The pages yellow and the covers covered in creases or dust. The place is not very popular— nor organized, for that matter. Every shelf brimming with books, too many for the shelves' size. And the smell, god, the smell. 

Sun warmed paper mixed with the lingering traces of coffee wafts through the whole store. It's a little piece of heaven, Buck thinks. Maybe not with the latest or most popular books, but with hidden treasures and beautiful stories, just waiting to be discovered. 

It's the last place he's been expecting to find Eddie, if he's being honest. But he can't say he's sad or mad about it. 

"Eddie, hey!" He says shyly, a little scared. "I, uh—" 

"Hey, Buck." Eddie turns to him, his lips pursed in a fine and displeased line. 

"I'm sorry, okay?" Buck breaks. He's texted Eddie a few more text messages the last few days, but those have been unanswered as well. "I should've told you who I was—"

"You shouldn't have, actually." Eddie cuts him off and okay, now Buck is really confused. 

Sending some mixed signals here, my guy. He thinks belatedly. 

"Look," Eddie sighs. "You and I? We're strangers. And just because I was stupid enough to ramble about my life story, doesn't mean you should've done the same. And I get wanting to keep the secret, wanting to preserve your privacy as much as you possibly can. I can't really resent you for that, can I?" 

"Right." Buck nods and blinks rapidly. Is this a dream? Is he dreaming? He must be dreaming, right? Because he thought he'd have to beg and gravel for Eddie's forgiveness. Although, he guesses the man is right. They are practically strangers and Buck didn't really owe him the truth. 

Still feels like he did something wrong, though. 

"Can we start over?" He asks tentatively, reaching a hesitant hand in sign of a truce. In sign, and in hopes, of a fresh start— a new opportunity. "Hi, I'm Evan Buckley and I wrote some best selling books, just so you know." 

Eddie eyes him for a few seconds, biting down a smile he's trying so hard to fight but that Buck can see peaking its way through anyway. 

"Alright, fine." The man rolls his eyes and Buck feels a weird sense of smugness and relief and something , starting to brew inside of him. Washing over him, slowly and steady. "I'm Eddie Diaz. And I really kinda hate you, but you're an alright author, I guess." He takes Buck's hands in his and their fingers linger a little more than they should. 

Buck blanches at his words. "Just alright? Eddie, you wound me." 

Eddie grins, teasing and so fucking insufferable. "I mean, you're okay." 

"Okay?! Eddie!" Buck dramatically rests a hand against his heart, as if Eddie just stabbed him with a knife or something. "I literally won a National Book Award and the US Weekly called me a must-read but okay? You call me ‘ okay’ ? Slander. Lies and slander!" 

"Bragging much?" 

“Alright, Big Shot.” Buck rolls his eyes. “Say what you want, but I remember someone gushing about how awesome and amazing me and my books are.”

“Nuh uh.” Eddie tsks. “We’re starting over, remember? That never happened.” Eddie raises an eyebrow. “I literally just met you, weirdo. Who even are you?”

“God, you’re such a little shit.” Buck laughs, disbelieving but not being able to hide his amusement. “What are you even doing here?”

“Well… you know how you’re not the only author in the world?”

“Mhmm, sounds kinda crazy but carry on…”

“I came to check some other books.” 

Buck smiles, “Do you take recommendations? I’m kind of an expert.”

“You are, huh?”

“I am. Every time I’m on L.A, I come here.” Buck admits. “It’s my favorite place. We actually had a place like this, close to my house growing up.” Buck says, something in him pushing him to share this little piece of himself with Eddie, wanting to be real and open and wanting the man to get to know him. Really know him. “It was a small and old book store, just like this one. Ran by this grumpy old lady, that was always giving me the stink eye.” Buck wrinkles his nose. 

“I can see you having that effect on people.” Eddie chimes in and Buck fixes him with a stare. 

“You’re on thin fucking ice, man.” He says, pointing a finger at Eddie. “Anyway, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted… It was this amazing place. After my sister moved out, I would go there everyday and just hide in a corner to read. I’d read pretty much anything I could get my hands on.”

“Like what?” Eddie asks, and he seems to be genuinely interested in what Buck has to say, so he keeps talking. 

“Science books, mystery books, thrillers, romances. You name it.” Buck grins. “It was just, I don’t know.” He shrugs. “A safe place, I guess.”

He takes Eddie to the mystery and thriller section first, recommending some of Buck’s all time favorites. Then Buck makes his way through the romance section, the fantasy section, without even realizing or caring about the passage of time. 

Buck spies one of the books he’s been looking for before he ran into Eddie and his fingers are moving towards the spine to tip the book out of its spot before he can help himself. "God, I've been dying to reread this book for ages but I lost my edition and haven't been able to find it anywhere." 

The book it's not very popular but it's one of Buck's favorites, the prose so beautiful and sad and tragic, he cries everytime he reads it. 

Buck tells Eddie about the book, how he first found the story and how he devoured the pages in just two days. He tells Eddie about his favorite authors, explains why some stories are closer to his heart than others. He holds books in his hands, going through the pages and letting Eddie lean against him, reading over his shoulder as his warm breath fans against Buck’s neck, leaving goosebumps in its wake. In turn, Eddie offers whispered confessions and snippets of precious information— like some of the books he remembers from his childhood, some of the stories he reads to Chris to put him to bed. HHe tells Buck more about his sisters and some of the craziest things he’s seen working on Hollywood.  They get to know each other a little better, sharing embarrassing anecdotes and starting to create silly private jokes, locking eyes in between shelves of books and fingers lingering in old and dusty pages. 

They spend hours in that little book store, forgetting about the world and everyone else. Buck thinks he's never felt this comfortable with someone, this fast.

Of course, he's had his fair share of relationships and he's even been in love more than once (not that he's already in love with Eddie. That would be too fast, too much, too reckless, even for him.) 

But he can tell Eddie Diaz is someone special. 

He hopes he gets to have more of him, and know more of him. 

Buck just— 

He hopes. 

–

When they finally step out of that little book store the sky is dark and there's only a few people outside. 

"There's a place close by, the food is pretty good." He turns to him  and gives him another of his tentative smiles. "You wanna have dinner?" 

"Yeah, I'm starving." Eddie grins back. "I could go for some dinner. Even if it's with you." He says, shoving Buck by the shoulder. Teasing and playful. 

"Damn, Diaz. The hits keep coming and coming." 

"Oh God, shut up." 

They walk the few blocks that take them to get to the place—strings of red, white, and green bulbs drop lozenges of light onto the street below. There's red-checkered tablecloths on the sidewalk and colorful mariachi hats stuck in the windows. They pass a quiet spot on the corner, where a lone man is stacking up plastic chairs for the night.

“Here it is," he says. It seems like they're about to close but the man assures them they'll be open for at least one more hour. 

They choose a table in the far back corner of the place, private enough that it's not likely they'll get interrupted by a fan asking for a picture with Eddie or anything. 

The waiter is nice, she greets them and tells Eddie "Hey, you look like that actor! From the Top Gun last movie?" And Buck laughs, as he watches Eddie stummer through a clumsy sentence, saying she must have gotten him confused. 

"It was a really good movie." 

"I had like four good scenes and in all of them I'm shirtless." 

"Nothing wrong with that." Buck smirks. "Like I said, it was a good movie." 

"Can I ask you something?"  Eddie blurts. 

"Shoot," Buck nods, pushing the plate of nachos towards Eddie. "What's up?"

"Why Daniel Buckley? You clearly kept your last name, so…" Eddie frowns. This is a question he's been asking himself since he pretty much found out who Buck really was. "Why not change everything?" 

A few beats of silence drag out. Very briefly, Buck's smile dims, and Eddie's stomach drops with it. "He was my older brother," he says. "He died when I was one year old. I never got to meet him.” Buck's shoulder jerks. “I didn't even know about him until I was eighteen. I was discussing some possible fake names with my agent Bobby and I guess that felt right. A way for me to have him with me, even if I never met him.” Buck gazes up at him. "Does that make sense?" 

Eddie blinks rapidly and swallows thickly, having to resist the urge to hug Buck and never let him go. "Yeah, that makes perfect sense. And it's a beautiful gesture, Buck." He says, genuine and soft. 

"Thanks." 

Eddie wants to ask about Buck's parents, about why they didn't tell him about his brother. He thinks there's more to it than Buck is letting on, but he also doesn't want this night to turn sour. He wants to see Buck smile and light up, wants to make him laugh and feel that rush of pride and satisfaction everytime he does. 

"You wanna know how I started my career as an actor?" 

"Oh, this is gonna be so good." Buck perks up, straightening up on his seat. "You were in a drama club, weren't you? I bet you were a theater kid. I can just see it. You're kind of an asshole like that." 

"Um, full offense to that." Eddie throws a piece of nacho at him. "And I mean, yeah and no. I always wanted to act in that abstract sense? Like, I would sit in the living room with my Abuela and watch telenovelas with her and wonder how it would be to act in one of them, y'know?" Eddie smiles, his eyes distant as if he's lost in a memory. "My Abuela would always encourage me, of course. Telling me how handsome I was and that I would be perfect. But I never really took her seriously and it wasn't like— I don't know. It was just a fantasy, right?" 

"Right." Buck piles jalapenos onto a corn chip and takes a bite, his cheeks full with food and some sauce dropping down his chin. It's a little gross, in a charming way. "And then what happened?" He asks after he chews most of his food. 

"Well, I was really into baseball and I was hoping to make a professional career out of it. I was Captain of my team and my parents weren't thrilled at the idea, but they supported me." Eddie wrinkles his nose. "Kinda." 

Eddie thinks maybe they were waiting for him to fail. 

Which, he did. 

"But at a game, I hurt my shoulder. Pretty badly." Eddie winces. "And I had to kiss my baseball career." 

"So, then you decided you might give acting a chance?" 

"Well… I had a lot of free time in my hands and I had just started dating my high school girlfriend. Shannon— she's also Chris' mom, by the way." Eddie sighs. "She was in drama club and at first I joined because I had nothing else to do and because she kinda asked me too. And then I found out I really enjoyed it and that I was good. So— that's my story, I guess." 

"I like it. You found your place in the end." Buck smirks. "And by the way, I'm definitely picturing a younger you in some ridiculous costume. Please tell me your sisters have photos."

"Oh, they have so many embarrassing pictures of me. But you can't see them. I refuse." 

"Boo, buzzkill." 

"What about you? What did you do in high school?" 

"Uh, so many things." Buck shakes his head. "I was kinda all over the place. I joined the football team but my couch kicked me out after I got into a fight with another dude. Then I tried playing the drums in the marching band. For a month." Buck grimaces. "I joined the basketball team, but turns out you need more than just being tall for you to be good at it. Then I got a pair of nonprescription horn-rim glasses and joined the newspaper. And that was only sophomore year.”

"Wow, that's—" Eddie chuckles. "That's a lot."

"I also joined the boxing team for a couple months, that lasted a while. But, uh—" His smile dims again and Eddie hates it a little bit. "My parents didn't really like it. My mom freaked out after a big fight and made me quit the team."

"That sucks." 

"Yeah, she was weird like that. Like, she never really paid attention to me unless I was hurt or whatever." Buck huffs out a bitter laugh. "Go figure the one time I was really enjoying something, she would freak out." 

"Sounds hard." Eddie says lamely. He doesn't know what else to say, which words could bring comfort to Buck. 

"It was, but it's okay. Families are hard, right?" Buck offers him a tight, strained smile. "I also joined a drama club but it wasn't really my thing. I lasted only a week there at the beginning of my junior year."

"I would pay so much money to see that." 

"Shut up." Buck smiles, this time a little more genuine. "I settled down… eventually." 

"Yeah, sure." Eddie mockingly frowns and nods. "Sure you did, bud." 

Before Buck could come up with a witty retort to that, his phone starts going off. He glances at the screen and rolls his eyes. 

"It's just Bobby, my agent." Buck waves it away, declining the call. "He's been on my ass about this stupid deadline." He sighs 

"For your third book?" He takes a sip from his beer.

"Yeah." Buck says ruefully. "It's almost done. It's just— the ending is being a pain in my ass. I sent the rest of it already, but the editorial is really pushing for those final chapters." Buck exhales. "And I can't give them to them just yet."

"What's the current ending?" Eddie asks curiously, not being able to help himself. He's a fan of the books first and foremost, after all. "You're not killing Grabriel, are you?" 

"What?" Buck's eyes shoot to his. "No, of course not! It's not that. It's—" He pauses and then tilts his head. "Are you trying to make me tell you about the third installment before it's out?' 

"Hey, it was working." Eddie shrugs. "Can you even blame me? You kinda left the second book on a cliffhanger." 

"It is what it is, Edmundo. We can't all have what we want." Buck gives him a shit-eating smile. "I guess you'll just have to wait." 

Bobby calls him again and Buck rolls his eyes. 

"We probably should finish here, though. If I don't answer Bobby and tell him I'm working on my draft, he'll probably kill me." Buck frowns. "Or he'll have Athena kill me."

Eddie snorts, "Yeah okay, let's go." 

They walk out of the restaurant and Eddie tells him where his hotel is— which unfortunately it's on the opposite side from the place Buck is renting. 

"I, uh— I'll see you, I guess." 

"Yeah, maybe." Eddie frowns. "If I get the part, I guess."

"Even if you don't," Buck swallows, suddenly feeling nervous. Jesus, are his hands clammy? Why is his heart beating so fast all of the sudden? "Is it okay if I text you? I mean, hey! Play your cards right and I might even send you some stuff from my third book." Buck smiles, shakily and anxious, trying to joke and failing miserably at it.

Eddie blinks at him, something close to awe swimming in his eyes. Like he can't believe Buck still wants to spend time with him, still wants to get to know him. 

"Yeah, okay. Sure." Eddie nods. "We'll talk, then." He reaches out at the last second, his hand coming to rest on Buck's shoulder, squeezing just the tiniest bit and his fingers lingering for a few seconds. 

It almost feels like the start of something sacred, of something bigger than just an acquaintance or a possible work relationship. It feels hopeful and more than Buck ever thought he’d find after taking a stupid flight to L.A.

Chapter Text

Eddie's always been more of a supporting actor than a leading star. He's the hype man, the wingman, the comedic relief, the shirtless guy in your screen that you can drool over but not really look further than that, that doesn't have a really deep background or any meaningful storylines. 

He's had some big roles here and there, but not in any really big movies. Mainly some Indie films or some recurrent parts on a really big popular show, but not enough to be the main character. 

He just— he doesn't have the luxury to turn away stupid projects or bad roles. He's been recognized in the street but eight out of ten times, people call out to him as 'that guy' from that movie they saw last weekend or something. 

It's always been almost, if he thinks about it. Enough to let him live an okay life and support Chris, but not to make him truly happy and proud of his work.

So, when his agent calls him to tell him he's been chosen for a callback for the Leave The Light On movie, he can't help but to feel hopeful. God, he knows he should keep his expectations low but hope grows in him despite his best efforts, slowly and steady and washing over him until he's aching with how much he wants this to come true. 

He can picture it so clearly, him playing Gabriel in a project that not only would change his career and the way people see him but also a project he believes in, a project he's truly and genuinely passionate about. A project that symbolizes why he started acting in the first place. He hasn't been in one of those in a long, long time. 

The day of the callback, Eddie is practically vibrating out of his own skin. Hope has grown inside of him so much that he's almost drowning in it and his stomach it's a messy nest of knots. 

God, he really fucking wants this. 

In the audition there's Chimney and Athena, and of course Buck. This time Eddie doesn't feel mad or blindsided by rage, so it's already a better audition than last time. 

They've been texting back and forth and they even spent an afternoon at the beach a few days ago, so Eddie thinks they might be friends at this point. He likes to think they're friends, at least. And Buck has made it pretty clear that he's only there to voice his opinions and maybe guide the team in the right direction, but he doesn't make any final decisions and the casting it's not in his hands, so Eddie doesn't feel weird about their relationship or dynamic. 

They're friends, they have things in common. And he has to admit, it's nice being able to talk to someone. 

Eddie doesn't remember the last time he's been able to talk, really talk, to someone outside of his family. Admittedly, Eddie is not the best at opening up. 

Except, apparently he is, when it involves easy smiles and silly teasing, and a pair of blue eyes that make him feel settled and like he can trust them. 

Buck is special in that way, he guesses. 

"Hey, man." Howard greets him. "Nice to see you again." 

"Thanks for the opportunity, Howard." 

"Call me Chimney, please." The man says and Eddie nods, a little awkwardly, standing in place and clutching the script in his hands. 

"Hey, Eds." Buck speaks up and the easy way the nickname flows from his lips, makes Eddie relax a little. "Glad to have you here." 

"Hey, Buck." 

"Shall we begin?" Athena interrupts, going straight to business. 

"Yeah, sorry." Eddie clears his throat. 

"Can you read for Gabriel in Scene 23, where he's talking to officer Blake Scatorccio?" Chimney says, looking up from his notes. "Buck will read opposite to you." 

"Yeah, okay." Eddie swallows thickly. In the first books, Gabriel and Blake only have a few scenes, but in the second book their relationship grows stronger. 

Some fans even think the author might be building up to a romantic relationship, claiming it's a slow burn. Eddie isn't sure and he hasn't asked Buck, but just the idea of doing this scene with him makes his nerves set on fire. 

He'll be acting out Buck's words, words the man took time and effort and that he created oh so carefully, so masterfully. Eddie will be telling them to him, looking him in the eye and thinking— what exactly? 

"Eddie? Are you ready?" Buck raises an eyebrow at him. 

"Yeah, Ready." 

Buck clears his throat and starts the scene. 

"Gabe? What are you doing here?" 

"I'm dropping all of the evidence I gathered with Pipe in these last few months." He sighs, feeling as defeated as Gabriel does in the scene. "I just— I can't do it anymore." 

Buck frowns at him, just like he pictures Blake would be doing in the book. "What? You're just gonna give up?" 

"I can't keep going like this! Chasing after some psycho, being haunted by my wife's ghost. I—" Eddie runs a hand through his hair and pulls back. "I need to think of my son, okay? I can't keep doing your job for you, Officer Scatorccio." He sneers. He evokes every feeling of grief and frustration he felt when Shannon first left him with no warning, except for a note. He brings up every feeling of insecurity and of not being good enough to the surface, every feeling of rage and fury that's been simmering under the surface for longer than Eddie is willing to admit, and he pours them all into Gabriel's character. 

In the book and in the script, Blake gets impossibly closer to Gabriel, grabbing him by the arm and stopping him from walking away. In real life, Buck remains seated a few feet away from him. 

Eddie tries not to be disappointed. This is an audition after all and Buck is just reading the lines to move Eddie through the scene, that's how it goes. It's just business. 

"My hands are tied and you know it. The whole police department can't go after just one person, Gabe. You know that. We have too many cases and—" 

Out of the corner of his eye, Eddie can see Chimney. The director held in a rare thrall, the tip of his glasses inserted between his full, dreamy lips, that ankle crossed over the opposite knee, jiggling, jiggling. He looks impressed, Eddie thinks. Maybe. 

"And what?" 

"I think you're close. I think you are stronger and smarter than any one of us— You're extraordinary, Gabriel Alvarez and I am in awe of you every single day. You can't just give up." Buck gazes up at him, a smile gracing his lips, a small and barely there thing that doesn't really match the scene but Eddie can't bring himself to mind. 

"You are too good with words, Officer Scatorccio. But I don't know if I can trust them." Eddie looks down at the script, and then back up at Buck. "I don't know if I can trust you."

"Gabe, I—" And that's the end of the scene. Blake's partner interrupts them, claiming they need to go and Gabriel is left alone at the station. Confused and hopeless. 

Eddie takes a deep breath, telling himself it's over and he gave the scene the best he had. And he thinks he did pretty well— He thinks he did amazing, losing himself in the scene and in Buck's eyes, and hope sizzles under his skin, strong and powerful. 

"That was amazing, Eddie. You really seem to get the character." Chimney smiles at him, forcing him to look away from Buck. "It's really a beautiful thing to see." 

"Thanks." Eddie fidgets with the script. He knows they won't make a decision right then and there, and certainly not in front of him, but something keeps him frozen in place. 

His feet refuse to walk away. 

Hope inside of him moves and weaves through his system like a hurricane, not wanting to leave. 

"You really do understand Gabriel, Eddie." Buck speaks. "That was— Well, I guess Blake Scatorccio said it. Extraordinary." Buck says softly, maybe too soft for what the moment calls. "Thank you." 

Thank God it's dark in the rear of the studio. No one can see the tomato-colored tidal wave surging up Eddie's neck.

"Again, thanks so much for the opportunity." Eddie says, feeling his lips dry up. "I, uh— Yeah. Thanks." He awkwardly waves and turns away, hope trailing behind him like a neon sign showing how much he needs, how much he wants this. He wonders if they can see it. He wonders if they care. 

He thinks Buck might. 

–

"Damn, Buckley. Should I be calling the academy? Are you going to change careers?" Chimney smirks. "Was this your audition to play Eddie's love interest?" 

"Shut up, Chimney." 

–

The news come two days later. 

A phone call changes Eddie's entire trajectory, his entire career. 

Hope turns into giddiness, spreading through his, warming up his bloodstream and making him all fuzzy inside, like he's flying in cloud fucking nine. 

When Eddie tells his sisters, Adriana congratulates him and tells him how proud she is of him, and Sophia screams so hard that Eddie thinks he almost goes deaf. 

"Bro, this is amazing news! I knew you'd get it." Sophia is still talking a little louder than necessary but Eddie loves her and how excited she is. It fills him with pride and fondness for his younger sister. 

"Thanks, Soph." 

"And we can visit you! I already bought the plane tickets for me and Chris." She tells him. "We'll be there in a few days." 

Eddie feels like he can finally take a full breath. He's missed Christopher more than words could ever express, but he didn't want to drag his son all the way here if it turned out they would have to go back to Texas in a week. He wanted his son to have some stability, some sense of belonging. 

"Thank you." He exhales. "I really appreciate you taking care of him, Soph. I—"

"Don't even mention it. You know how much I adore the little man. It's been a pleasure." There's a few beats of silence and then— "Have you talked to mom and dad?" 

And if ain't that a loaded question. 

"Not really?" Eddie grimaces. "I called Abuela right after I got the news and she was pretty excited. But when I tried calling mom, she didn't answer, so I just sent her a text." Eddie rubs his free hand over his face, feeling some kind of exhaustion that has nothing to do with him being physically tired and everything to do with his parents. "She didn't answer. And when I called dad, he just talked about how great it would be if I went back to work on the family business with him." 

"You know they love you, and I think deep down they're very happy for you." Sophie sighs. "They're just shit at showing it." 

"Yeah, I guess." Eddie shrugs, even if his sister can't see him. "It is what it is, I guess. They'll come around eventually, I know. I mean, they did fly in for the Top Gun premiere and that wasn't even a big role. I think they always think after a movie I'll change my mind… but I never do." 

"Yeah, you're stubborn like that." 

Eddie scoffs, "Look who's talking." 

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Even miles apart, Eddie can feel Sophia rolling her eyes through the phone. "Have you got a permanent place yet?" 

"Yeah, uh— The movie production is renting a place for me and Chris to stay for however long filming takes." Eddie nods, looking around at his half packed bags. "Tía Pepa is sending the rest of my stuff tomorrow and Buck will help me move in." 

"So, Buck, huh? You haven't told me much about him, except to let me know he wasn't, in fact, a creepy stalker." 

"There's not much to tell." Eddie throws himself into the bed, his back bouncing off the mattress for a second. "We're friends. He's— nice." 

"Just nice?" 

"What do you want me to tell you, Sophia? We're friends. We hang out sometimes. It's not a sordid love affair as you're probably picturing." Eddie rolls his eyes. "This is not one of Abuela's telenovelas, you know?" 

"You're so boring, Eddie." Sophia whines. 

"I'm hanging up now." Eddie replies, deadpan. And then he hangs up, knowing he'll hear about it later. 

Eddie only gets a few moments of peace when his phone starts buzzing again, with text messages notifications. He groans, thinking it's his sister being the annoying little shit she's always been, but it turns out to be Buck. 

If that gets him smiling immediately, that's between Eddie and God and no one else. 

Eddie hesitates for a few seconds, his thumbs hovering over the screen. 

Fuck it. 

Eddie can't help but to feel a bit disappointed but he doesn't want to look too closely at that.

–

-

When Buck opens the door to his apartment, he's in gray sweatpants and an oversized navy blue hoodie. He's wearing glasses and his hair is sticking out in every direction, the light from inside his apartment lights him up from behind and bathes him in a warm and fuzzy orange, yellow glow. 

Eddie looks down and he sees Buck is also wearing mismatched socks, one blue and white with cloud patterns and another one purple, with pink hearts scattered all over it. 

He looks incredibly, painfully, stunningly soft. 

Eddie aches at the sight. 

"Hey," he breathes out, grinning almost shyly at the man. 

"Hey." Buck smiles back at him. "Sorry I'm kind of a mess and well, my apartment isn't much better. I was going to clean up! But I thought I had time to rewrite a chapter and—" Buck rambles, talking rapidly and nervously. Buck takes a much-needed breath and chuckles, weak and shaky. "Yeah." 

"It's okay. I don't mind." Eddie smiles, shuffling into the house behind Buck. 

Buck's place is everything and nothing like Eddie thought it would be— it looks lived in but at the same it's clear that he hasn't been staying there for long. Most of the apartment is perfectly clear, except for the coffee table in the center of the living room that's full of loose papers, notebooks, and a laptop open on it. There's a few books on the floor, some of them piled together and some others open on the floor on random pages (Although maybe that's intentional, Eddie guesses Buck's been looking for specific information.) 

There's also post it notes on the walls, on the TV screen, on the back of the couch— Eddie can't help but to smile, amused. 

"Wow." 

"Yeah, writing a book it's no joke, dude." Buck smiles sheepishly at him. "I uh— I ordered the Chinese food already, is that alright?" 

"Yeah, sure." 

"It'll be here in like fifteen minutes."  Buck reaches a hand to accommodate his glasses and Eddie finds the small, unconscious gesture kinda adorable and more endearing than he should. 

They sit in front of the coffee table, on the floor. There's pillows and a blanket there and they can lean against the front of the couch, so it's more comfortable than Eddie thought it would be. They're sitting together, closely to each other— close enough that their knees touch.

Buck surprises him by having one of Eddie's first movies downloaded— It's an indie film that didn't do very well and that very few people know of. 

It's a little bit pretentious for the short budget they worked with, some of the acting is mediocre at best and Eddie cringes everytime he is reminded of its existence. 

But Buck showed it to him excitedly, his grin stretching happily across his face and making the corners of his eyes wrinkle in the most adorable of ways. 

How is Eddie supposed to deny him anything, really? 

People think actors in general are selfish, egotistical assholes— egos bigger than the entire Pacific Ocean. A bunch of little narcissistic jerks that can't stop looking in the mirror or admiring themselves, that they love the sound of their own voices a little too much for their own good. In some cases, that might be right. 

Eddie admits that he's found his fair share of stupid and conceited people in his career, that's how Hollywood works after all. But he isn't one of them. 

He truly, really isn't like that. 

Believe it or not he hates watching himself back. It's awkward and weird and he can already feel the embarrassment creeping up his neck. Besides, he tends to get a little overly critical of himself.

"Come on, Eddie! It'll be fun!" 

"Fine, whatever. It's not gonna be good, Buck, though." Eddie raises an eyebrow at him. "I'm telling you."

"Yeah, yeah," he waves him off. "Consider me warned. Let's start the movie." 

The film itself does have some potential and the plot of it it's quite interesting. Eddie thinks maybe it could've been great with a better budget and a better script.

It was his first main role, so he ought to feel grateful for the opportunity at least. 

The film is about this guy, Neil, who has a minor criminal record and he's struggling to secure a job. He hasn’t been able to pay off his ever-increasing student debt, so when the opportunity arises to make some quick cash, he takes it, but is soon pulled into the criminal underworld of Los Angeles credit card fraud.

Buck laughs at some of the most ridiculous scenes and makes fun of some of the silliest lines that just sound so out of place. Eddie, in turn, tells him some anecdotes from filming the movie and the behind the scenes. 

He tells him how one of his co-stars tried to steal a whole ass couch from production, thinking he wouldn't get caught or that people wouldn't notice its absence. He tells him how he tries roping Eddie into helping him steal it. He tells him about that time they couldn't book the location to film, so they did it clandestinely and illegally at four in the morning. 

Halfway through the movie, Eddie realizes he's been leaning against Buck and when he turns his head, they're so close that he can feel the guy's breath fanning against his face. 

His eyes flicker down and he wets his lips, anticipation and hope and want start to rise in his stomach, nudging at his insides and demanding him to make a move. 

He's so close, all he has to do is lean the smallest bit. 

And Buck isn't pulling away, even now that neither of them is really paying attention to the movie. 

Does he want this? Does he want to lean in and close the distance between them as much as Eddie does? Is he coming apart at the seams at just the mere thought like Eddie is? 

Eddie exhales and his gaze lifts, his eyes dancing back and forth over Buck's face, begging him for a sign, anything that will tell him he's not alone in this.

He thinks maybe Buck might go for it, might be brave for the both of them and make the first move that'll bring their lips together. He thinks he perceives the slightest movement from him and then— 

The sound of gunshots coming from the computer makes the both of them jump and fall apart, bursting through the trance they got themselves in and bursting their little bubble. 

Buck clears his throat and focuses back on the stupid movie that honestly? Eddie really doesn't like it right now. 

The moment quickly fades away and Eddie is left with sour disappointment poisoning his blood, eating away at his insides with regret and the slightest hint of bitterness. 

What the fuck even was that? 

When the movie finally ends, Buck turns to him and Eddie braces for the guy to kick him out but instead, what Buck says is— "Wanna watch another movie?" 

"As long as I'm not in it." 

"Yeah, that's for the best." Buck nods, stupidly serious. "You're just an alright actor, I guess. I've seen better." 

Eddie bites down a smile and rolls his eyes, shoving Buck by his shoulder. "Shut up and put on another movie." 

"Yes, sir." Buck mockingly makes a military salute and Eddie really wants to strangle the idiot. 

Except that he doesn't want to do that at all, but wants to kiss him silly until he forgets his own name. 

Yeah, what the fuck? 

–

Eddie's on the wrong side of thirty to be sleeping on the floor or half laying against a couch that, quite frankly, has seen better days. 

When he wakes up, his neck and the muscles in his back are sore and tender, he's stiff and he feels like he's been hit by a truck. 

Buck is half sprawled over him, his face resting against Eddie's shoulder and drooling over his t-shirt as he snores a little bit obnoxiously. 

Eddie wants to be annoyed but he can't. The guy has such a hold on him that even this, Eddie finds endearing and charming in a strange way. 

"Buck," Eddie whispers softly, his hand gently shaking the man. "Buck." 

More snores. 

Eddie huffs out a half laugh. 

"Buck," he says, this time a little louder. "Hey, man, wake up."

Buck wakes up abruptly, snorting and straightening up a little too fast. He fell asleep with his glasses on, so he has a few marks on the sides of his face and the glasses are now crooked, precariously balancing on the tip of his nose. 

"Wha—" He asks, voice low and croaky, disoriented— just to be interrupted by a jawn, making his glasses completely fall off his face with a muffled thud to his lap. 

The sight pulls at Eddie's heartstrings, for some reason , and he can't help but to smile fondly at the dork. 

"We fell asleep." Eddie says and then lets out a jawn of his own

 He stretches his arms over his head and groans at his muscles protesting the action. "I don't even know what time it is."

Buck blinks and stifles another jawn with his hand as he puts on his glasses back with the other. "Wait," he mutters and scrambles from his phone, retrieving it seconds later from under a pile of papers. "It's, uh— " He squints at the screen. "Oh shit, it's ten a.m already." 

"Oh." Eddie says, unhelpful. 

Buck's eyes shoot to him. "I'll make us breakfast and then we can start moving you into your new apartment, 'kay?" He slurs the words, his voice still a little gravelly from just waking up. 

"Yeah, okay." 

Eddie sits there for a few more minutes, just trying to fully wake up. This kinda reminds him of when he was little and he would go over to a kid's house for a sleepover, how they would pretend to be asleep only to stay up under the covers and talk about anything or watch movies with the volume low so their parents wouldn't wake up. And then in the morning he would wake up in the most uncomfortable of positions but he didn't care, because he had the best night with his friend and it was worth it. 

Buck makes him feel like that again, young and a little bit dumb. 

He jawns again and looks around, his gaze falling over the open notes in front of him. 

He can't help himself— he's still a little bit asleep and admittedly, his brain isn't up to making the best of decisions yet. So, he leans forward and peaks over at the words written in paper hastily and a little bit messily. He thinks he reads a bit of a plotline for the last half of the third book in Buck's series. 

A little voice in Eddie's head is telling him to stop. That he'll get to read it eventually, along with the rest of the world. He should be patient. 

But another voice, louder and stronger, tells him that he's there and that a little sneak peak wouldn't hurt, right? 

"You can read it, y'know?" Eddie jumps, turning to look at Buck, who's standing a few feet away from him. He's holding a tray in his hands with two cups of what Eddie assumes is some much needed coffee and a few pastries. 

He clears his throat, "Sorry, I didn't mean—" 

"Eddie, if I really didn't want you to see those notes, I would've found the time to put them away." Buck smiles at him, gentle and soft. And with the sunlight streaming from his big front window, he looks golden. He looks breathtaking. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yeah," Buck nods as he takes the last few steps. Eddie helps put some of the books and notes away, to make room for their breakfast and then Buck is sitting next to him, just like last night. Their knees touching. "I doubt you'll understand much anyway, most of the book it's on my laptop. These are just—" He jerks a shoulder. "Loose ideas, some storylines I thought would be interesting. Lines of dialogue I thought of randomly. It's kind of a mess. Some of it it's not even for the book series, but for other future projects." Buck tells him and that only makes Eddie's curiosity grow bigger and bolder. 

"Oh," Eddie picks up the notebook and starts going through the pages. It feels sacred and special and like Buck just let him into this vulnerable, rare space inside of him. 

At the back of his head he thinks maybe he should ask about that almost kiss they almost shared last night— but Buck is acting like it never happened. Like it didn't affect him on a molecular level like it did Eddie. And he doesn't want to ruin this delicate thing between them— because that's how it feels, precious and delicate and something Eddie wants to keep for as long as he can— so he doesn't say anything.  

Eddie's eyes skit through the words and Buck was right, these are just loose ideas and pieces of dialogue waiting to be connected so they make sense. There's initial thoughts for a fantasy book and for another series, for other different little projects that sound as interesting to Eddie as anything that Buck's written so far. 

It's wonderful, reading this it's like understanding Buck a little better— the way his beautiful mind works. 

"How much of the ideas for the third book are you actually using?" He turns to Buck. 

"Ah, that's something you'll have to wait and see." 

"You're the worst." 

"You know, Diaz?" Buck squints at him, amused and mischievous. "The more you say it, the less I believe you mean it." 

"Shut up," Eddie rolls his eyes and picks up one of the coffee cups. 

Evan Buckley will be the death of him.

–

Between casting the rest of the characters and pre-production, etc, etc— it takes a few months to actually start filming the movie. In those months, Buck meets his sister Sophia and Christopher, helps him move into a new apartment and spends most of his free time with them. He teaches Eddie and Chris how to bake delicious, non-burnt cookies, teaches Chris how to surf while being mindful of his limitations, and he also spends every Friday night at their apartment for movie night (They never watch anything Eddie's been in, thank God.) 

They never talk about the almost kiss, even when there are days that Eddie can't stop thinking about it. 

They also spend some days at that little bookstore, Buck never seems to get tired of talking about literature and the stories that he loves the most. Eddie is kinda obsessed with him, if he's being honest. The way he's so passionate about it, the way his lips curve in the softest of smiles and the way he looks like the sun when there's something he really loves. Not to mention Buck also manages to weasel his way into Eddie's heart— so slow and steady that hy the time he realizes it, it's too late. Buck is already in it, finding a place there and making himself comfortable, like he never plans on leaving.

Eddie hopes he doesn't. 

So when the first day of filming rolls around, Eddie kinda assumes Buck would be there. 

He isn't. 

Eddie doesn't ask or say anything, not wanting to seem desperate and like a high school girl with a crush (which, he kinda is, if we're being honest here.) 

He makes it through the first scene, without asking Chimney if he knows where Buck is. 

The light on set is too bright and he has a scene with the actor who plays Blake Scatorccio— Eddie definitely doesn't think it would be better if Buck were the ones acting out the lines with him. He doesn't. 

When the director calls action and Eddie spots Maddie behind one of the cameras, he doesn't run to her and demands to know about Buck's whereabouts. 

When the make-up person starts to hover around and messing with Eddie's hair, he doesn't give into temptation and checks his phone for any messages. 

Even when frustration gets to be too much, feeling like millions of bees buzzing underneath his skin, Eddie doesn't ask. Doesn't glance at his phone. He does his job and he acts like he isn't looking for a particular head of dark blond curls among the movie crew.

It's not until they're wrapping up for the day and Eddie is on his way to pick up Chris from a friend's house that he gives in. 

He comes to a stop at a red light and his hand reaches for his phone before he can even realize what he's doing. His fingers type a quick and short message. 

Eddie waits as much as he can, staring at the screen and hoping for a reply. 

He waits until someone's honking behind him and he jumps in his seat, looking ahead and seeing the traffic light changed to green. 

Eddie misses him. They haven't talked in a few days and haven't seen each other in a week and Eddie knows Buck is busy, trying to finish his book. He knows Buck had to push the deadline the publishing agency gave him three times already and that they were getting impatient. He knows Bobby's been hounding him and calling him and dropping by Buck's place constantly, asking him to please focus and finish the last draft. 

Eddie knows all of these things, and he doesn't want to be clingy or desperate or annoying. Buck doesn't have to spend every second of every day with him. Buck doesn't owe him anything and Eddie understands he needs to focus on his own work. 

Despite knowing all of that, Eddie still misses him. 

He still aches. 

It's not until 3:23 AM that Eddie gets a response. He's sleeping and the sound of the text messages notifications coming one after the other, wakes him up. 

He reaches for it and squints at the screen, blinking as he waits to get used to the light. 

Eddie blinks but the last message remains there. 

Is that—? 

He opens the file and waits for it to load. He waits and waits until the file opens and Eddie sees the number of pages. 

624 pages. 

Yeah, it is. It definitely is. 

Eddie should go back to sleep as well. He has filming tomorrow, and he has to take Chris to school before that, he has responsibilities and he needs the rest. 

Despite that, he opens the file again and starts reading. 

The second book ended up with Nina, the police woman who helped Gabriel to find his late wife's murder disappearing. They've been working on another investigation, when one day she just— She was just gone. 

The book ends up with Gabriel getting the news and Eddie still remembers how mad, how frustrated and how impressed he has been. All at the same time. Buck's words and way of writing have pulled him in so deep that he genuinely felt bad for the characters, even felt grief for them to a point. 

Eddie's just a few paragraphs in  but he can already tell the third book it's going to be a hit, it's going to dazzle everyone who reads it. The writing is tight, assured. There are none of the juvenile slipups of Buck's debut work. His voice has matured and sharpened. Every description, every turn of phrase—it all sings in perfect harmony. His prose is stunning, marvelous, intriguing and the tiniest bit dark but in the most intoxicating and addictive way possible. 

It's better than anything Eddie could ever dream of creating and it pulls him in, with such force that even if he wanted to go to sleep, he wouldn't be able to. 

There's also a few scenes in the books between Blake Scatorccio and Gabriel that, after Eddie's audition, he can't help but to imagine himself and Buck while he reads them— fire crackling and snapping inside his bloodstream, a syrupy and warm feeling spreading in his stomach as he imagines them like that. It's still not explicitly romantic but there's a certain tension and undeniable chemistry underneath, anytime the characters interact. There's an underlined something that tells you they might get to be more in the future, a sense of anticipation and hope in every word they say to each other. 

If Eddie imagines them as himself and Buck, that's between him and the universe. 

The book so far, simply put, is phenomenal. And Eddie scrolls down through it, reading every word until the light of the screen burns his eyes and the words are blurring together. He reads until he starts to get a headache and even then, he's reluctant to put it down. 

He reads until his alarm lets him know he has to get up.

Eddie swallows the hard object in his throat and rolls into a sitting position at the edge of the bed, reaching for his discarded shirt on the floor and tugging it on over his head, exhaustion making him feel heavy and slow. 

He stumbles out of his room and into the hallway, knocking at Chris' bedroom door. "Time to wake up, mijo." He opens up the door and peaks inside, his kid just a barely visible lump under the mountain of sheets and covers. 

He hears a muffled groan. 

"C'mon, bud." He runs a hand through his face, trying not to fall asleep right then and there and takes a few steps closer, entering the room and sitting on the bed, resting his hand on what he thinks it's Chris' shoulder. "We need to have breakfast and then I have to take you to school."

"I don't wanna go to school," Chris whines and just the top of his hand comes out from under the blankets. "Can I go to work with you? I wanna see Buck and how you make the movie." 

"Chris," Eddie sighs. "I can't take you to work. I'm sorry, Superman, but it's not a place for kids. Besides, I won't let you read the books, what makes you think you can watch the movie?" 

Chris pouts and Eddie smiles, ruffling out his hair. 

"That's not fair." 

"Maybe when you're older. I promise." 

"How much older?" 

"I don't know. We'll negotiate later." Eddie grins. "First, you need to go to school, deal?" 

"Fine," Chris sighs, like he's just agreed to do the hardest of tasks. 

"That's my boy." Eddie ruffles his hair one more time and then lets him get ready.

They have breakfast together and Eddie asks some stuff about school, how Chris is liking living here and what he is going to do with his friends. 

Carla— the aid that Buck and Maddie introduced him to a while ago will pick him up after school, so Eddie wants to enjoy some moments with Chris before he has to drop him off.  

Eddie sometimes worries he's failing his son, not spending enough time with him, dragging him down with him. Eddie worries that he's not doing enough, that maybe he should find a better and more stable job— but then Chris smiles at him, joking and playful and happy and Eddie thinks he must be doing something right. 

"Hey, listen," Eddie starts. "I'll ask Chim if I can bring you to set with me someday that we're not filming anything too intense or bloody. Sounds good?" 

Chris beams at him, "Yeah!" 

"Now c'mon. Finish your breakfast or we'll both be late." 

–

Eddie sees Buck first thing when he arrives at the set. Buck seems he's been waiting for him, leaning against the door to the studio.

"Hey," Eddie greets him, a smile playing around his mouth. 

"Hey." Buck returns the smile, the sun hitting him so right and bathing him in a golden light. "I finished the book!" 

"I know," Eddie chuckles as he walks into set and starts making his way to make up and hair. "You've told me. And also I've read half of it already." 

"Yeah! I—" Buck starts following him, falling into step besides him and then stops talking. "Wait, you're reading it? You're halfway into the book already?" He blinks at him, like he can't believe Eddie's real. He kinda looks at him like Eddie's grown two heads and started spitting fire. 

"Of course I did and yeah, I am. " Eddie shoots him a bemused and a little embarrassed look. "Can you really blame me?" 

"And? What do you think of it so far? Is it mediocre at best or what?" Buck tries to come off as teasing and joking but Eddie can see the insecurity and the fear of rejection simmering underneath. 

Eddie stops and with him, Buck does as well. They're facing each other and Eddie feels a little overwhelmed by how much he feels for this man. "Buck— It's one of the best things I've ever read. You've outdone yourself with this one." 

A big, huge toothy smile spreads over Buck's face, lightning him from inside. "You're serious? You're not just saying that?" 

"I'm not just saying that." Eddie shakes his head and reaches out, one of his hands coming to rest on Buck's shoulder, his thumb caressing his pulse point and feeling Buck's heartbeat underneath his fingertip. "I feel honored that you're letting me read it so early on and I just— I really love the book. Like, I'm exhausted because I've barely slept but I don't regret staying up reading it and I wouldn't go back and make a different decision. It is that good. It's better than I can ever express." Eddie swallows hard. "It's a privilege that I will never take for granted that I get to bring Gabriel's character to life. I mean it." 

"Eddie," Buck is smiling so big and so bright and he's looking at Eddie like he's the creator of the universe, like he hung the sun, the moon and the stars in the sky. "Thank you. Thank you." He says and pulls Eddie into a tight hug, his arms wrapping around his waist and his head briefly burying itself against Eddie's neck. 

It lasts too little, it's not even nearly enough. Eddie has barely hugged Buck back when the man is already pulling away. 

The small silver lining is that his hands are still holding him close, his fingers resting against his waist in a way that makes Eddie lit from within, makes him feel a slow fire start to burn through his veins. 

"Thank you," Buck whispers and Eddie realizes how close they really are. His treacherous eyes flickering down and falling to Buck's eyes for the briefest of seconds and then gazing back up. 

"You don't have to thank me." He tries to smile but he feels off kilter, shaky, teetering on the edge of a preciple. He feels like he's about to break and Buck's hands are the only thing keeping him glued together. "I'm just telling the truth." 

They stay there, so close and almost locked in this little bubble, until Chimney yells at them. 

"Hey, lovebirds! This is a work environment, I'm calling HR!" Chimney is speaking so loud that they get the attention of most of the crew. 

Buck looks like he wants to kill his brother-in-law, as he steps away from Eddie, his hands falling to his sides and leaving him feeling cold when they used to rest. 

"Eddie, you need to go to make-up and get ready for shooting! C'mon!" 

"Chimney we got it, stop screaming!" Buck screams even louder. 

"Buckaroo!" Hen appears out of nowhere (or maybe Eddie's been too enthralled by Buck to pay attention to his surroundings) "I heard you finish your book?" 

Hen has become pretty close with all of them, since she's been casted to play Nina e in the movie, as Eddie's co-star. 

Buck ducks his head and smiles bashfully at the floor, "Yeah." He looks up and squints an eye, still smiling big. "It's been a pain in my ass but it's done now. And I feel pretty proud of the finished product." 

"That's great!" She comes to rest an arm around Buck's shoulder. The height difference makes it look a little funny and Eddie hides an amused smile behind his hand. He should definitely leave for hair and make-up but his feet seem to be nailed to this particular spot. "We should go out and celebrate!" 

"Yeah, yeah, we'll all go out and praise Buck for finishing his book tonight." Chimney interrupts them once again, stepping closer and resting both hands on Eddie's shoulders. "Now, Buckaroo, stop distracting my actors and let's make a movie, alright?" 

"Jesus, Howard. Why don't you go and take that stick out of your—" Buck starts, a shit-eating smirk starting to form on his lips. 

"Hey! Watch it!" Chimney points at him. "Or I'll revoke your beat uncle privileges." 

Buck shows both of his hands in sign of surrender but there's still that infuriating, charming smirk playing in his lips. 

Eddie can't help to laugh, looking around and thinking maybe he found a little family here for himself and Chris. 

–

They go to this bar near the film set to celebrate for Buck finishing his book. Bobby is there, with an arm wrapped around Athena's shoulder, and smiling so big and relieved— Eddie thinks Buck was making the poor man get gray hairs, with the way he's been stressing about the deadline. Maddie is there, next to Chimney. Hen and her wife Karen. Josh, the cameraman and his most recent boyfriend, one of the security guards from the studio. 

They're all in pairs of two. They're all couples, Eddie can't help but to notice. It makes everything a little bit more complicated, he thinks, makes everything feel a bit like a date, eerily like a date, but Eddie ignores that and focuses instead on the growing fuzziness in his head. 

One beer becomes two, and then three, and then four. Buck sticks beside him the whole night as they share inside jokes and whisper to each other in hushed tones, like no one else is there. 

Eddie thinks they might be walking, might be balancing precariously over this invisible line and if they're not careful, they'll cross it. 

Eddie wonders if that would be bad anyway. 

He wonders if it's worth the risk. 

He thinks maybe it is. 

They eat one dollar pizza, greasy and not that great and they laugh like they're the funniest people in the world. Buck is yelling something to Bobby across the bar, as he leans heavily on Eddie and everything feels a bit fuzzy, hazy. 

At some point, with his face dangerously close that his warm breath fans against Eddie's cheek, Buck whispers in a husky voice, "You wanna get out of here?" 

Eddie should say that it's rude, that they're there to celebrate Buck after all. Maybe he should say it's a bad idea, that they're trailing down a dangerous path that might end up with Eddie's heart shattered into pieces. He should say an array of things, really, he has so many options that would work. 

But with him being on the wrong side of tipsy, his brain is not particularly fond of logic and reason. He's not drunk yet, but his inhibitions have definitely gone away, leaving him with this impulse to just reach for what he wants. 

"Sure." He mutters it casually, like it's nothing. God, it really should be nothing. 

But then Buck is smiling at him, beaming really, and grabbing him by the hand— the loud bass of the bar drifts away to the thundering of Eddie's own heart beating into his chest, roaring in his ears, and leaving him thrumming with the way it makes his pulse points jump beneath his skin.

Buck pulls him out the door and it feels big. Life changing. 

It feels like everything. 

Buck's fingers tangled with his anchor Eddie into the moment, rather than letting him drift away with the breathlessness that is making him dizzy with anticipation and disbelief. 

By the time they reach Buck's apartment, Eddie is far past the point of caring. He feels giddiness and recklessness bubble inside of him, as he leans against the door to steady himself, smiling up at Eddie so wide that it fucking hurts. 

"Tonight was fun, right?" 

Buck has this look in his eyes, wild and wanting and Eddie thinks it might be his wishful thinking but it might not. Maybe they're on the same page now, maybe they both feel this magnetic pull that's pushing them together. 

Maybe Eddie is not alone in these feelings. 

"Buck?" 

"Yeah?" 

Eddie swallows thickly. He wants to say something, anything. He wants to ask about that almost kiss months ago, wanta to ask Buck if it affected Buck as much as it did Eddie. 

He wants to tell Buck how he feels but he isn't that drunk and the words won't come out, getting stuck on the tip of his tongue. It hurts, holding them back, like vines wrapping and squeezing around his ribs. 

But he can't— He can't. 

So, he doesn't say anything. 

He pulls Buck in, cupping his face and closing the distance between them. 

Then, the most beautiful, surprising, amazing of things happens. 

Buck kisses him back. 

Buck's thumb rubs sweeping caresses in the shell behind Eddie's ear that makes him fucking melt against him. Buck leans into him, parting his lips to invite Eddie’s tongue to sweep into his mouth like he is trying to drink up the sound of Buck’s sigh. 

Their first kiss tastes of cheap beer and shitty, greasy pizza but Eddie feels like he's flying. That something pulled taut between Eddie's ribs gives, softens just a little.

The kiss turns hungry then with Eddie having nowhere to go but where Buck's lips direct him; consume him. His lips are tingling with the bruising force Buck's devouring him, like tiny sparks fizzling into his blood and straight down into his crotch. Buck's thigh pushing between his legs felt like mercy and torment all wrapped up in sinfully tight jeans and Eddie jolts at the firm steadiness.

He has to be dreaming, right? He has to be. This feels too good to be true, feels too— It feels like fucking poetry, like when you reach the top of the rollercoaster and then you're falling, feeling like you're falling and the adrenaline of it makes your heart beat so fast and so hard that it threatens to jump out of your chest. 

Buck's teeth nip at his lips for a moment to let Buck suck in a sip of air before he is holding Eddie still and devouring Buck’s mouth again.

Buck whispers his name so softly, and Eddie nearly whimpers. Buck's let him defenseless, but he can't bring himself to care. 

He wants Buck closer to him, wants him to crawl under his skin and never leave. Wants it still as things become clearer, as he realizes they’re barreling towards a crash.

The crash appears suddenly, out of nowhere and all at once. The roller coaster goes off the rails and everything comes crumbling down. Fast and hard and devastatingly so.

It comes in the form of the elevator dinging— the sound makes them break apart and they're breathing hard, panting and looking at each other until a voice forces them to look away. 

"Evan," Maddie is gasping for air, like she's ran the six or seven blocks from the bar to Buck's apartment. "We, uh—" She glances at Eddie and then back at Buck, her eyes are wide and quivering somewhere between quizzical, scared and full of regret. 

 "Maddie?" Buck asks and he steps away from Eddie, leaving him cold and confused. "Is everything okay?" 

Maddie takes a deep breath and steps closer until the three of them are standing in front of Buck's door, there in the middle of the hallway. 

"Mom and dad, they—" She looks down and Eddie notices she has her phone on her hand, clenching it so hard in her grip that her knuckles are  white. 

Eddie feels dread slowly making its way through him, as the giddiness and anticipation and hope of a few minutes ago fades away into nothingness. 

"I think they told the press who you are." Maddie looks up. "They told everyone you're the person behind Daniel E. Buckley's books." 

The rollercoaster falls to the ground, shattering in a million pieces and destroying everything nearby. 

Buck makes a little hurt noise at the back of his throat and as he watches the man in front of him pale, he thinks the crash will be devastating. 

Chapter Text

You drew up some good faith treaties, 

I drew curtains closed, drank my poison all alone

You said I have to trust more freely

But diesel is desire, you were playing with fire

A white static sound is ringing in his ears and Buck feels like he's under water as he sees what Maddie is talking about. He recognizes the picture— it was taken at Maddie and Chimney's wedding and it would be one of the very few recent pictures his parents have of him. 

His heart beats erratically in his chest and he feels like he might pass out any second. There's a stutter in his breathing, like the air snagging on the worn spot on the underside of his ribs, where he used to keep that small sliver of hope that one day his parents would actually love him.

"Maddie, they have my number here." Buck frowns and keeps scrolling to the thousands and thousands of tweets and articles and stuff being posted about him. "They have my number! How— How did they—?" She looks up at his sister. "I went no-contact with them. How did they get any of this information?" 

"They called and asked me but I thought they wanted to apologize for everything! I thought—" Maddie shakes her head, a hand coming to cover her mouth and her eyes shining with unshed tears. "Evan, I'm so sorry. I thought they wanted to see you and try to have a relationship with you— I really thought they were asking for it so they could call you, and they could—" She stutters. 

"That wasn't your decision to make!" 

"Look, I get that you're upset and I'm sorry! I am!" Maddie is now pleading with him. "But they're our parents, can you blame me for trying to make it work?" 

"Maddie, I get that you want Jee to know her grandparents and I won't stop you from contacting them." He says, as calm as possible. He can feel Eddie resting a hand on his shoulder and feels guilty that for a second he forgot the man was there. Still, Buck doesn't look away from Maddie, "But look at what they've done! They hate I was using Daniel's name on the books and I'm pretty sure they hate me, so no, I can't just—" 

A door opens down the hallway, a few meters away from where they're standing— Buck's neighbor appears, a trash bag in his hands and he looks awkwardly at them before making his way to the elevator. 

"Hey, Buck." 

"Hey, Greg." He greets his neighbor, voice tense and straining. "Have a goodnight, man." 

The silence stretches, thick and uncomfortable.

Eddie is the first one to say, "Maybe we should get inside?" His gaze dances back and forth between the siblings. 

"Yeah, Eddie's right." Maddie nods. "We shouldn't talk about this in the middle of the hallway." 

"Yeah, okay." Buck slowly nods and turns— Eddie stepping out of the way so he can open the door. 

It almost makes him laugh hysterically— a few minutes ago Buck was pressing Eddie against that same door and kissing him stupid, feeling like he was on top of the world, feeling drunk out of the taste of Eddie's lips. 

Now, he feels awfully, painfully sober, and his hands shake as gets his keys out of his pocket. The emotional and physical whiplash is almost too much, making him dizzy and nauseous. 

It takes him a few tries but he finally opens the door and he stumbles into his apartment, unsteady on his feet but not  because of the drinks he had earlier. He wishes that was the reason he feels so off-kelter, so on the verge of exploding. 

God, and Eddie here. Watching all of this mess, getting to see how much of a trainwreck Buck's life is. How much of a trainwreck he is. 

The tightness in his chest gets stronger, squeezing his heart and lungs in a vicious grip and he stumbles to the couch, sitting there gracelessly and putting his head between his hands. 

"Bobby will be here any minute. He's just dropping Athena and the others off " Maddie lets him know. He thinks he hears steps moving towards the kitchen and maybe a few hushed tones, whispering far away enough that he can't decipher what it's being said. 

He doesn't really care. 

His gaze is staring at the floor and at his shoes— his boots are a little worse for wear, with dirt sticking to the edges. He stares at them until his vision blurs and he feels like he might throw up. 

"Buck—?"

The silence stretches longer and longer. Eddie places a cup of hot tea in front of him and out of the corner of his eyes he can see the steam coming out of it. 

He doesn't move to take it. 

Buck thinks he might be paralyzed. 

"Why'd you do it? Why would you ever give them my number?" He finally says, when he can't take it anymore. He can't even spare a second to feel guilty or embarrassed that Eddie is witnessing all of this, too consumed by anger and the hurt of betrayal and the knowledge that life as he knows it is over and will never ever be the same again. He looks up at Maddie, frowning and shaking in his place. "Maddie, you knew that I went no-contact." 

"I'm sorry! I just— They're our parents, Buck." 

And then, Buck feels the rage. The ever present rage that always lurks underneath his skin, that's been there for longer than he can remember, that's been simmering and festering since the first time he realized his parents looked through him, instead of at him. It comes bursting out of him, an explosion that can't be stopped. 

A missile is fired and Buck lets it go. 

"We don't have the same parents, Maddie!" Buck snaps, and he's sure later he'll feel guilty for screaming at his sister but right now he's too hurt, too frustrated, too broken. The rage and hurt is consuming him whole that he doubts there will be anything left once this is over. "They look at you as their daughter but to them I'm nothing but a bag of parts. Defective parts, as it turns out." He says bitterly. 

"Evan—"

"They're not—"  Buck cuts himself off with a frustrated groan, scrubbing both hands over his face. When he drops them, he says, with feeling,  " Fuck. "

Fuck, fuck! 

It's dawning on him. His anonymity, his privacy, everything he's worked so hard to have and to treasure, it's gone. 

Bobby will be here any minute now and Buck knows what's going to be said— they're gonna need to contact PR, they're gonna have to send a request to remake covers with now his name on it. Buck will probably have to do press, interviews, public appearances— God, the cameras will be pointing at  him. 

And now it's so much worse than it could've been. He knows people usually don't pay much attention to authors, but now his face is being blasted in every corner of the internet. Everyone will be talking about it and looking for him, with the upcoming movie based in his books being made, and his third book close to being released and just the whole drama surrounding the situation, that brings people in like fucking vultures running to a dead body, starving and relentless. 

 His throat bobs, and then he rasps, "They ruined everything, Mads. They— They ruined me." He says, breathing shallowly, pinpricks of icy cold fear trickling down his spine.

He remembers the first time he found out about Daniel— He had just turned eighteen and he'd been about to move out of the house, take off and see some of the world, explore and figure out what he wanted to do with his life. 

He'd been in the garage, looking for some of his that he didn't want to lose, some old books Maddie gave him and the old guitar he got for his sixteen birthday. He'd been looking through old dusty boxes when he found Daniel's stuff. 

Buck wheezes, feeling like the walls are closing in. 

Photographs of a kid that looked alot like Buck but not quite, the old bike that he rode once and then never saw again, the same bike his parents had a huge fight about that he could barely remember. Old hospital documents and records. 

There's a stab of pain in between his ribs, like a rusty knife twisting against an old wound and reopening it. 

Buck remembers being heartbroken, confused and lost. 

He remembers finding out his whole life had been a life. 

His hands aren't working. His fingers are twitching with every shake of his hands from his wrists to his knuckles.

He remembers finally figuring out why his parents never really seemed to like him. 

He has goosebumps running up and down his arms, and his heart is racing in his chest.

He can't do this. He can't— What if people suddenly don't care about the stories he has to tell anymore? What if they decide that just Buck isn't enough? What if—?

Buck remembers the first fight they had about the book and Daniel's name. He'd sent them a copy, hoping they would be proud of him, that they would be happy that Buck had finally found something that gave him true purpose, that made him happy. 

"Why is your brother's name on the cover?" 

"I, uh—" Buck had stuttered. "I thought it would be nice, a way to have him with me always." 

Buck grits his teeth, pointedly not looking at Maddie nor Eddie. Too raw, too fragile to be seen right now. Wanting to hide away but at the same time longing to be held. 

Buck remembers the tears and the screaming and the pointing blame. 

"He was my son!" 

"I'm your son too!" 

He tries to take a deep breath and fails. Panic starts to settle in, the more reality dawns on him. 

"I can't—" He shakes his head, his eyes shutting closed and his chest heaving. 

–

Eddie sees Maddie besides herself, not knowing how to comfort Buck. he sees the guilt and the regret clearly on her face but they don't have time for that now. 

He was thinking maybe he should leave, he should leave Buck to deal with it with his sister and with Bobby but he can't— 

He can't just leave, can he? 

And more importantly, he doesn't want to leave. 

Eddie is good in a crisis. He's been 'the man of the house' for most of his childhood, with his dad being gone most of the time because of work. He's taken care of his sisters and his mom. Hell, he'd taken care of most of his cousins on more than one occasion, when his aunts needed him to step up. 

He remembers making her mother breakfast when she was pregnant with Sophia— he burned the eggs one time but after that mistake he learned and he never did it again. He remembers crashing his dad's truck because his mom was going into labor and he remembers taking the punishment that came after without even protesting. 

He remembers making his sisters lunch, and he remembers driving them around even when Adriana was older than him and knew how to drive herself. 

The point is, Eddie is good in a crisis. He's your man standing in the middle of the storm, riding out the bad weather steadily. 

And he can be that for Buck. He needs, wants, to be that for Buck. 

"Hey, hey." He steps in, kneeling on the floor and facing Buck. Carefully, he rests a hand on Buck's knees and when the man looks up at him, Eddie tries to give him a reassuring smile. "It's gonna be okay. I'm here and Bobby will get here any second now, and we'll figure it out, okay?"

He says softly, his eyes dancing back and forth over Buck's face and his heart breaks, shattering into a million pieces for him. He doesn't care they got interrupted (well, maybe he does just a little bit) and he doesn't care about what that means for them. In that moment, Eddie just wants to take all of the pain away, wants to lock Buck inside of his heart and hold him there, protect him from everything and anything. Wants to wrap the man with all of the care and softness and tenderness that he deserves. 

Buck gasps and shakes his head, a few treacherous tears falling down his cheeks. 

"Talk to me baby," The nickname slips from his lips before he can even realize it but Buck doesn't seem to notice or maybe he doesn't care. Eddie checks the pulse in his wrist, studying him seriously. 

"Can't breathe," he gasped. "Chest is tight. Feels like… pins and needles all over my body."

Eddie nods, his brow furrowing, and says, "Okay—  listen to me, all right? I think you're having a panic attack."

Eddie is pretty familiar with those. He had his first when his parents were hounding him to work on the family business with his dad. He got one the first time he had to walk down a red carpet and tej camera flashes were making him feel dizzy and hot under his too tight suit, the lights and the people screaming all around making him disoriented and out of place. 

He had one the first time he got rejected for this really big role Eddie really wanted. 

The point is, Eddie hates it— hates the fact that he has them on occasion and the way they make him feel so out of control, hates that he can't avoid having them, that it's out of his hands— but knows what a panic attack is. 

And he'll help Buck through it. 

Buck squeezes his eyes shut.

"Buck," Eddie says gently. "Hey, open your eyes and look at me." Eddie can feel Maddie's heavy stare in him, on them, but he ignores it. "Buck— look at me, please." 

Buck feels Eddie's hands ghost over his face and shoulders, and forces himself to open his eyes. Warm hands curl over his and they are steady in comparison to his Earth shattering trembling.

"There you are," Eddie grins, so softly and delicate, his lips barely curving upwards in the smallest of smiles. "Now, breathe with me. Deep breaths." 

"It's okay," Eddie reassured him, kneeled in front of him. "Breathe in, hold for five, and then breathe out for five. We'll do it together. You're okay."

He nods, tears burning in his eyes.

So they breath together in silence, with Maddie staring at them from a few feet away. Eddie keeps his fingers pressed against Buck's pulse, kneeling on the floor in front of him, guiding him through it— and after a minute, Buck feels a little clearer. He focuses on Eddie's chocolate brown eyes, holds his hands and tries to ignore the steady stream of tears snaking down his cheeks.

"You're okay," Eddie repeats and Buck wants to believe him, wants to be okay. 

He's not sure he is.

–

It's been a few days already since— well, everything, and they haven't talked about the kiss. Almost a week since that night, actually. 

And Eddie knows that Buck is dealing with a lot right now, but his lips won't stop tingling with the ghost sensation of Buck's lips on his, and the memory of Buck's hands pulling him in. He gets flashed of those glorious moments and his stomach gets all melty and fluttery, his heart starts racing and he wants to scream, wants to curse at the universe and at the fucking Buckley parents, and at the awful timing of it all. 

But he doesn't want the kiss, or what might have happened if they hadn't been interrupted, to ruin their friendship. To ruin them. 

So, Eddie doesn't say anything. He doesn't push, he doesn't mention the kiss or asks if they're gonna do it again (although he really hoped they will.) 

He's there for Buck, a steady and comforting presence. He is for Buck when he has a screaming match with Maddie and he is for Buck when he and Bobby talk about logistics and PR clean-up. He is there for Buck when paparazzis follow him to his apartment and so he stays at Eddie for a few nights. He is there for Buck when this new brand kind of fame gets to be much and Buck needs help to navigate through all of it. 

As he's said before, Eddie is good in a crisis. He's the man in the storm, keeping everything afloat. 

He is there for Buck when he goes on 'The Kathy Abrams Show' for his first official public appearance. 

The Kathy Abrams Show it's one of the most popular talk shows on television right now, on top of the ratings and with a very loyal audience. 

Eddie isn't sure how Bobby even got the interview there for Buck, but Eddie guesses the news is big and people care about it enough for Buck to get on the show. 

The interview starts, and Eddie takes a deep breath. 

Everything's gonna be okay, he repeats for what feels like the millionth time. It's a kind of mantra but Eddie isn't sure if it's for himself or if he's trying to manifest it into existence for Buck. (Not that he believes in that crap but he does talk to Sophia a lot and some of the stuff she talks about it's catchy.) 

"Ladies and gentlemen, good morning! I know it's a little early for most of us to be awake on a Saturday morning, but we've got a fantastic show in store for you today. Our musical guests are the up-and-coming, fantastic rock band Inhaler!." She pauses for the resulting cheers. "But let's start the morning with a very special guest, that's been really popular in the news this week. Best seller author, Evan Buckley!" 

This draws even louder cheers. Kathy beams as she slowly paces the front of her stage. "Let's give him a warm welcome and start this interview, shall we?" 

The camera follows Buck as he steps out of the wings onto the stage. With the studio's expensive clothes on and his smile in place— a little strained and nervous, but still charming—  Buck looks every inch the best selling, successful, young and promising author he is. Buck takes her hand as he reaches half-stage, leans in to kiss her cheek, and turns with her to face the crowd. 

Buck waves to the crows before he takes his seat, and he's slightly hunching over, as if trying to make himself look small. Buck is nervous, Eddie can tell. He's shaking and jerking his leg in his seat as he waits for the cameras to start rolling. Eddie is in the first row and he sends Buck a thumbs up in sign of support. 

Kathy is young but already one of the most talented and most prestigious hosts in the industry— she's nice, though. She treats Buck like an actual human being and not like just another exclusive she wants to air the dirty laundry of. 

She smiles and jokes with Buck for the introduction, talks about the first two books and the movie that's being filmed. Those are easy, safe topics and Eddie notices how the tension and anxiousness slowly slips away, Buck's shoulders relaxing more and more every second it passes. 

"Are you happy with the cast for the movie? I'm sure that, as the author of the books, you must have some strong opinions." 

Buck ducks his head and chuckles, shrugging, "I'm gonna be honest, I had my reservations at first. Way before anyone was casted, I wasn't sure about this project, you know? I've seen what book adaptations are like and how much they can ruin a story…" Buck wets his lips nervously and steals a glance at Eddie. 

Eddie lifts his chin and smiles, soft and intimate and just for him. This is his genuine smile, reserved for Buck and only for Buck. 

"But then I sat for the auditions and I saw what these actors are capable of." Buck says on stage, in front of the cameras, but somehow it feels like he's only talking to Eddie. 

"I saw the raw potential and the astounding talent. I saw my characters come to life in a way not even my wildest fantasies could conjure." Buck smiles, his eyes staring directly into Eddie's. "And I fell in love…" 

Eddie's heart stops. 

Wh—? 

Buck seems to have realized what he just said and he shakes his head, as if pulling himself together. He clears his throat and looks away from Eddie, as he says, "I mean, I already loved the story and the character, y'know? I created them, after all. But watching these actors bring them to life— Gabriel, Nina, Officer Blake Scatorccio… I fell in love with them all over again. It felt a lot like that excitement and hope and pure giddiness of finishing that first draft years ago." Buck finishes and something a lot like disappointment drowns Eddie as he sinks into his seat. 

Someone in the crowd cheers and a few others join but Eddie is still reeling back from that brief moment of hope and then the embarrassment that follows. 

Stupid, stupid, stupid. What did you think Buck would say? Did you think he would confess his undying love for you in front of thousands of strangers? 

Stupid, Eddie reproaches himself. 

The kiss has him thinking things he shouldn't be thinking about. He needs to talk to Buck, but he can't seem to find the appropriate time to do so. 

For a moment, things had been perfect. Eddie can’t stop thinking about that moment.

But he also can’t stop thinking about how quick it ended. And yeah, Buck's been going through a lot but Eddie can't help to think maybe he regrets the kiss. Maybe he regrets Eddie. 

Eddie wants to forget all of it, the way Buck's skin felt beneath his lips, how his name sounded when Buck whispered it,  his  name , not a character’s.

He wants to forget how it felt to be his, even if it was only for a moment.

The more he tries, the more he realizes that he can’t.

On stage, Kathy and Buck have moved to harder topics. 

"So, Evan—" 

"Buck, please." He says, "Everyone calls me Buck." 

"Okay, Buck," Kathy smiles sweetly at him. "We've all been wondering, what made you decide on a pen name in the first place? And why reveal it now?" 

The media thinks it was intentional, that Buck was aware of what his parents were planning when they went to the press. The Buckleys, wanting to preserve a certain image, have spinned the story to make them look like proud, loving parents that just wanted their son to get the recognition he deserves, without holding on to the past and their shared grief for Daniel. 

They have leaked Buck's name anonymously, so no one thinks twice about what they say, believing them without a doubt. Why would Buck's parents lie, after all? (Eddie and their closest friends know better, of course.) 

And now the audience will, too. 

 "Actually, Kathy—" Buck takes a deep breath as if bracing himself for what's to come. "I didn't decide that. My parents, against my wishes, went to the press and revealed my name. I was not aware that they were going to do that and I wish they had talked to me about it beforehand." 

Kathy looks genuinely surprised but she recovers fast and fires the next question. "Why?" 

"They wanted to erase Daniel's memory." Buck sighs and looks down, fidgeting with the mic's wire attached to him. "I didn't even know Daniel existed until I was eighteen and was moving out. I found his hospital records and a few pictures of him when I was in the garage, looking for my stuff to pack." 

"They never told you?" 

"No," Buck shakes his head. Everyone in the studio is still, frozen. The silence is almost deafening. "They were drowning in grief and denial, so they packed his stuff away and pretended he never existed. They made my sister promise to never talk about him,,— she was only a kid when Daniel died." 

Buck's voice breaks and he takes a shaky breath, obviously struggling to keep going. Kathy doesn't pressure him, though, doesn't rush him to say anything, giving him the time to process and organize his thoughts. 

"When I found out about Daniel, I called my sister, Maddie, and she immediately broke down crying. I can't imagine the amount of pressure she must have felt, the amount of pressure my parents dumped on their nine year old kid. It's—" Buck shakes his head. "Anyway, when I went to publish my first book, I thought it would be nice to use Daniel's name.  way to always have him with me." A small, barely there, smile plays on his lips. It's a weak and sad thing and it makes Eddie want to run into the stage and hug him tightly, until all of the pain melts away. "But that would mean my parents finally having to deal with their grief, and with the fact that Daniel did exist and he did die. They weren't to pleased about it " 

"I'm so sorry, Buck. That must have been so hard." 

"I think with all the new publicity the books got because of the up-coming movie… I think maybe it got to be too much " He shrugs helplessly. "I don't presume to understand my parents' mind. But I wanted to come here and tell my side of the story, speak my truth if you will." 

"That's very brave." Kathy smiles. "Thank you. I feel honored that you felt like my show was a safe place to do that." 

"Thanks for having me." 

–

It all comes to a halt on the fourth week of filming the movie. They're in Eddie's trailer and Buck is helping me run his lines.

In the script, Gabriel is having another scene with Officer Blake Scatorccio and they're getting to know more of each other as they keep investigating Gabriel's wife's murder. 

In real life, Eddie can't focus. Buck is reading the lines out to him but Eddie's stare keeps flickering down to his lips and getting lost in thought and in the memory of that kiss they shared weeks ago. 

"Hey, Buck?" Eddie speaks, cutting the man off. 

Buck looks up from the script he has in his hands and smiles at him, a little hesitant and confused. 

"Yeah?"

The trailer isn't that big and they're both sitting on the same couch, so they're pretty close. 

Eddie swallows thickly. 

"About that kiss—" 

Buck ducks his head and shrugs one shoulder, "I mean, we were both drunk, right? We don't have to talk about it." Buck watches him as he says that. Eddie thinks he might be imagining the slight tremor running through him, or else Buck is just cold because he usually is. 

I wasn't drunk, Eddie wants to say. And you weren't either. We knew what we were doing. 

He wants to scream out of frustration and he wants to yell at Buck, because it meant something to Eddie but it seems it meant nothing to Buck. 

But because he is a coward, he says, "Yeah, you're right." He sighs and looks away from Buck. He looks at the script but his vision is blurry and he can't make out the words in front of him.  "Glad we're on the same page. Just wanted to make sure." The lie escapes hisnlips and leaves a bitter taste in its wake, it sounds hollow and unconvincing. For an actor, Eddie thinks he might suck at pretending Evan Buckley hasn't gotten underneath his skin in a way it's impossible to shake off. 

His lungs feel three sizes too small, refusing to expand when he tries to take a full breath, and his heart is beating staccato in the very back of his throat, but he can't do this now, can't panic.

He needs to smile and reassure Buck. He needs to save whatever friendship they have left. He needs to keep his stupid feelings on a leash. 

"Besides, we kinda are work colleagues, right?" Eddie jokes, it falls flat. "We don't want to complicate things. It's for the better." Another lie slips from his lips. 

It feels even more blatant than the other. 

But Buck takes it as it is anyway, and he smiles at Eddie like he hasn't just broken his heart into a million little pieces that pierce through his chest and leaves Eddie bleeding out right then and there. 

"Good." Buck nods. 

The thing is, having to act like this is okay? Like everytime Buck speaks or breathes, Eddie's eyes aren't immediately drawn to his lips? Having to act like they're just friends and that Eddie doesn't want anything more? It's harder than he ever thought it would be. 

For an actor, Eddie thinks he might suck at pretending. 

He knows it can't go on forever, he knows he has to move on— not only for his own good, but for their friendship's sake as well. 

He knows maybe he should distance himself, at least for a little bit, but he can't stop. He takes more than his fair share from, every smile and every little private moment of only them together, takes every silly joke Buck tells him and drinks in every look the man sends his way. 

Eddie thinks of the two of them on the couch, about to watch one of Eddie's old movies, of Buck's face half-hidden in shadow, of them so close together that Eddie could feel Buck's breath against his. He thinks of staying up late, exchanging messages until two in the morning. 

Eddie is greedy, and every time he says to himself he should put some space between them… he just can't. 

Eddie aches. 

They do nothing but sit there, for a minute, with Buck going over the script like nothing's wrong— oblivious. Eddie fishes for something to say that isn't just the naked truth of what he's feeling, hoping Buck doesn't see the way he's shaking in place with the desire to close the distance between them and just—hide in Buck's arms.

"But we are good, right?" Eddie asks hesitantly, needing to make sure. "You and I?" Eddie licks his lips anxiously, all twisted around, nauseous at the thought that maybe Buck won't even want to be friends anymore. 

"Of course we are, Eds." Eddie chuckles. "I mean, it didn't mean anything, right? To you, the kiss didn't mean anything?" He looks up at him, wide eyes expectant and full of something Eddie can't quite decipher at the moment. 

"Right," He breathes out, feeling dishonest and stupid. "Yeah, exactly." 

Buck nods and smiles, getting back to reading out loud the script.

There's a knock on the door and then one of the production assistants peaks her head in. 

"Eddie, they're gonna shoot scene 13 in ten." 

"Be right there." He sighs. 

Buck grins and rests a hand on his shoulder, squeezing briefly and then letting go. 

Eddie aches. 

– 

"Eddie!" Buck jogs the distance between them and catches up to him, falling into step with him. They're in the parking lot of the studio and they should definitely hurry— or at least, Eddie should, since he's the one actually working and Buck is just there sometimes to give out an opinion or make sure the essence of the book carries on into the movie   

But instead, he stops and turns to Buck. 

He drags himself closer, the tip of his boot accidentally knocking into Buck's pristine white sneaker, and he nods towards the book that Buck's holding in his hands. It's angled away from him, so Eddie doesn't get a good look at it but he thinks he has a good idea of what it is. "What you have there?" 

A big, bright smile stretches on Buck's face, making those wrinkles appear on the corner of his eyes  The sun is hitting just right that it almost looks like a halo is framing him perfectly and his skin looks so soft and warm that it takes everything in Eddie not to lean in and bury himself in it, inhaling Buck's cologne like a fucking weirdo and staying there for the rest of his life. 

"It's a hardcover edition of my third book." Buck is practically bouncing in his feet with excitement and his happiness is contagious, Eddie can't help but smile back at him. "They're already being sent into libraries all over the world as we speak." 

"That's amazing, Buck!" 

"I, uh— I got you this one." Buck is now a little nervous, his smile dimming just the tiniest bit and heat rises into his face, painting his cheek a darker shade of pink. "It's, uh— I signed it. For you." 

"For me?" 

"I know you already read the book, I mean, I sent you the first draft immediately and you read half the book in a night and then before I knew it you were already finished and I know you liked it—" Buck is rambling and making less and less sense as he goes, which is adorable and endearing but Eddie is a little worried about him running out if air. 

"Buck, breathe." He chuckles and reaches forward, taking the book from Buck's hands. He looks down at the cover— He's already seen it before (Buck sent him a message as soon as the cover was decided on) but looking at it now, it's different.  A little surreal. 

He opens the book and the first blank page is almost entirely taken by Buck's signature and dedication.

He glances briefly at the man in front of him and Buck nods encouragingly, still bouncing in his feet. 

Eddie's lips curve upwards and then he looks back down, reading what Buck personally wrote for him. 

"To my person, to the best Gabriel this universe has. You are more than words could ever describe, and I'm so grateful to have you— not only to bring life to these stories, but also as a friend. You're extraordinary, Eddie." 

Love, Buck :) 

Eddie bites down a smile, rereading the dedication a few more times before looking up at Buck. 

"I'm extraordinary?" He wanted to be teasing but his voice comes out too soft, too vulnerable for that. 

"You are, Eddie " Buck answers, just as softly. His eyes are honest and earnest. "You really are." 

A part of Eddie is melting into a puddle on the floor. Another part of Eddie wants to scream at Buck, wants to yell that this isn't fair! That he can't keep doing things like this, can't keep making Eddie's heart beat so erratically inside his chest, can't keep making him love him like that. It's not fair, because Eddie does. 

Oh, God, he does! He loves the idiot so much and it hurts, knowing Buck doesn't. 

Knowing that he thinks of their first (and only) kiss as a mistake. As a drunken stupid thing they did (even if Eddie knows they weren't drunk, if not just a little tipsy.) 

It hurts. 

Eddie aches. 

Before he can say anything, though, Chimney is walking out the studio door and frowning at them. 

"Buck! Stop distracting my main actor, dude!" He yells. "Not cool, man!" 

Eddie forces himself to laugh, as he puts the book carefully inside his duffel bag, "I'm coming, Chimney! Relax!" 

Buck chuckles behind him and reaches to squeeze Eddie's shoulder, his fingers lingering there as they walk into the set and a few moments later falling away. 

Eddie sighs, and tells himself it's okay. (It's not.) 

–

Eight months later, the movie is out and Eddie is still painfully, pathetically, stupidly in love with Evan Buckley. 

“You ever think about what we could’ve been?” Blake asks Gabriel. It's the final scene and they're at the graveyard, standing over Gabriel's wife's grave. "If things had been different? If she hadn't been killed?" Blake licks his lips and hesitates just for a few seconds, but then— "Do you ever think if you guys would still be together if one thing had been different?" 

Gabriel's gaze is distant, his focus somewhere over the horizon. "Yeah, all the time." 

There's a few beats of thick, tense silence, and then— "Do you wish you could turn back time?" 

Gabriel hesitates for a few seconds, his gaze now on the grave and the inscription there. 'Loving wife and mother. You'll always be missed'. "Sometimes." And then he looks up, turning to Blake and his eyes have this intense and painful expression on them. "Not right now… not when I'm with you." 

"Do you ever think about what we could be? If things weren't so…" Blake makes a vague gesture with his hand, as if trying to embark everything they've been through with that one small movement of a hand. 

"All the time." Gabriel sighs and he looks away. 

'Maybe in another life,' They both think at the same time but don't say the words out loud. 

The scene fades to black and the credits start to roll. 

That final scene wasn't supposed to be in the movie— it happens in the second book and it's not even at the very end of it… but they changed the script around and even though Buck hadn't been thrilled about it, they all thought it was a good change, if not interesting and surprising. 

People are crying, a half dozen full on bawling, most quietly swiping at their faces. Allie feels a little like crying too, especially when people begin to rise and clap, giving the film a standing ovation.

Eddie's glad they kept it in the movie. 

He can't help but imagine Buck in place of Blake. Can't help but to feel that scene hits a little too close to home. 

His name is up on the screen, clear as day. Eddie was a part of that. He did that.

They did that.

He turns to Buck and smiles, a little sad— he's aching and longing and pining like a fool. Almost a year and his feelings haven't wavered in the slightest. 

"We did really good." Maybe he should’ve remained silent, but, God, he just can’t help herself.

Buck's eyes remain on the screen. People are still clapping. “You did, Eddie. You're the heart and soul of that movie." Buck chuckles and ducks his head, his face half hidden in the shadows and dark of the cinema. They're in one of the last seats in the back, so they have some sort of privacy. 

"You wrote the books, Buck. The world you created, the characters, this movie… none of that would be possible without you." Eddie whispers, leaning over his seat to be closer to Buck. 

His elbows brush and his hands are so close together that Eddie's pinky finger is brushing against the back of Buck's palm. "I couldn't have done any of that without you believing in me like you did." he swallows thickly, "We make a pretty good team, you and I." 

Eddie thinks he sees Buck's eyes flicker to his lips, but it's so brief that he might have imagined it. 

They turn on the lights and people start to walk out of the premiere, probably making plans for afterparties and talking about the awards season coming up— it's all background noise, muffled. Eddie pays them no mind. 

"Buck—"

"I'm gonna miss you." Buck cuts him off, whispering the words so low that Eddie almost doesn't hear them, even at the close distance they're sitting. 

Those words bring reality back into focus. That's when the panic finally arrives, icy tendrils wrapping around Eddie's throat.

He's flying to London in the morning, for an audition. He might stay there for months if everything goes right. 

He won't see Buck for a while. 

Then come with me! He wants to say, the impulse is so strong that the words make it all the way to the tip of his tongue before they die there. Stop pushing me away, stop saying there's nothing between us when there is! I know there is. I know I can't be the only one feeling it. That's what he wants to say but he stays frozen. 

He's scared and he's stuck in this limbo of wanting too much but being too scared to reach for it. 

“I'm gonna miss you, too,” it's what he says instead, curling his shaking hands into fists, like that'll make this moment slip through his fingers a little slower.

Buck swallows hard, his throat bobbing with it. "We should go celebrate with the rest of the crew." 

Disappointment floods him, "Yeah, we should." Eddie sighs and stands up. The panic has retreated, has coalesced into a hard, immovable lump that sits in his stomach and rolls sickeningly every time he breathes. It feels a lot like defeat. 

They leave the theater and almost immediately Eddie is surrounded by people congratulating him. There's camera flashes blinding him, and co-stars gushing about his performance. There's whispers of the  Golden Lion,  the highest prize awarded at the  Venice Film Festival and maybe even an Oscar— if he's lucky. His performance was that good. 

And Eddie should be happy. Should be thrilled that his career is finally taking off, that people are recognizing his talent. He has a big audition in London, for God's sake! With a great director and for what's predicted to be a great movie, even bigger than this one. 

But yet— 

When Eddie turns around, he can't see Buck anywhere. 

He aches. 

He wonders if Buck ever thinks about what they could be. 

Because Eddie does. All the time. 

–

Eddie flies to London in the morning. Chris in Texas, with Sophia and his cousins for a few weeks, until Eddie knows for sure if he got the part or not and if he'll have to stay in London for a year or not. 

He walks through the airport, slowly, dragging his feet. He hasn't talked to Buck since last night, since they shared that moment at the back of the theater and Eddie still foolishly hopes something will happen. That maybe Buck will say something. 

It's stupid, and naive. 

What's the guy gonna do anyway? Chase Eddie through the airport like in one of those cheesy rom-coms? 

But still, a very tiny, miniscule part of Eddie wishes Buck would. 

He wishes Buck would chase him through the airport to confess his love, or even a call. Eddie is so pathetic he would even take a text. 

It's just— he thinks about the months that are to come and how gray and gloomy they look, knowing Buck won't be there for him. Knowing the guy won't walk into the set with donuts and share them only with Eddie, making the crew frown at them. knowing he won't be there to run lines with Eddie and laugh at him when he messes up a dialogue. 

There won't be movie nights with them sitting so close that their knees touch and their shoulders brush, and there won't be any more of Buck's laugh or his blue eyes turning to Eddie and twinkling with amusement and fondness. 

He sighs and makes it through security, dragging his baggage behind him like a dead man walking to his sentence. 

He makes it to the plane and a whole new wave of pain and longing and sadness washes over him because Buck won't be sitting next to him on the flight, smiling at him and joking about creepy stalkers or Eddie's crazy family. 

He makes it through the flight announcement and the take off. 

He gives up halfway through when he takes the book out of his bag and holds it in his hand as if it's the most precious of things. 

He opens it and reads the dedication so many times that his eyes stink with unshed tears, he runs his fingers over the letters that Buck wrote for him and only for him. 

Love, Buck. Love, Buck. Love, Buck. Eddie chuckles bitterly as his fingertips ghost over the words. 

I love you, Eddie thinks, staring at the page. I love you. He thinks. So much that it aches. 

When he finally lands in London, through the airport windows he can see the weather is sad. The rain is pouring and the clouds are a dark, awful shade of gray. 

Eddie thinks it's fitting, matches his sour mood. 

–

He texts Buck and then his thumb hovers. He writes a million other messages and deletes them all before he can send them. 

He starts with Wish me luck for my audition? but it sounds lame and needy and Eddie presses on the delete key a little too harshly, taking out his frustration on it. 

He then types out How's L.A without me? Found another hot actor yet? But that sounds borderline psychotic and jealous and possessive and Eddie hates himself for even writing it, so he deleted that also. 

He then types out an I miss you but it feels too honest, too vulnerable and it's only been a day anyway. Eddie sighs as he deletes it. 

He stares at the screen for a few seconds and then groans as he blocks his phone and puts it away. 

It's probably like 2:00 AM in L.A anyway. Buck is probably sleeping. 

–

The hotel he’s staying at it’s pretty good— the bed is comfortable and the sheets are clearly one of those fancy 1500 thread counts or something like that. Eddie thinks Buck would know for sure and he probably would have a random, obscure fact about it. 

Its been almost two days since he last saw Buck face to face and a day since he last texted him . 

There’s still not an answer. 

Eddie typers I miss you again, types it at least a thousand times and deletes it before he can send any of them. 

The weather still sucksthere’s a violent rain lashing against the big picture window, half-revealed by parted curtains and Eddie sighs, remembering L.A’s bright blue skies and a pair of eyes that match with it. 

He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to send away the memory of that stupid kiss and that damn night that haunts him. He just wants to stop wanting things he can't have. 

Eddie aches. 

_

He's about to call it a night and go to bed until a soft knock on the door brings him out of his self-pity spiral, his thoughts screeching to a halt. 

Eddie frowns— he didn't ask for room service and he doesn't know anyone in London that would be visiting him. 

They probably got the wrong room number. 

The person on the other side of the door knocks again, this time stronger and more insistent. 

"Eddie! It's me, Buck!" 

His feet move of their own accord, carrying him toward the door and opening, finding a soaked, pale Buck in front of him, rain streaming down his face and clothes and he's shaking, trembling. 

He still looks like a dream. 

"Buck? What are you doing here?" He asks, confused and reeling from a million emotions mixing and swirling inside of him. "What's going on?" 

"I'm sorry, Eddie." Buck says breathless, panting. It looks like he ran here from the airport— but that's insane. "I, uh, asked Sophia for your hotel and room number. Hope that's okay." 

"Yeah, of course." Eddie says numbly. 

"Uh, c-can I come in?" Buck stutters, his eyes glancing from Eddie to a point behind his shoulder, into the room. He looks cautious, a little anxious, if Eddie had to guess. 

"Uh, yeah! Sorry." Eddie swallows thickly and steps to a side, letting Buck come in and closing the door behind him. "Sorry, I'm just— I wasn't expecting to see you here. In London." Eddie shaked his head. "Soaking wet." 

"It's raining." Buck says lamely, as if it isn't obviously the weather outside. 

"No, yeah, I noticed that part." Eddie laughs weekly, rubbing a hand over his jaw and tilting his head to the side. "What are you doing here, Buck?"

"I need to tell you something." He watches Buck breathe so heavily his entire chest expands with it. "I need— I, uh— Fuck, this is harder than I thought." 

Buck's eyes are so wide and scared and he reaches a hand, grabbing Eddie's wrist. A zing of electricity races from wrist to elbow when their skin meets and holds, giving both of them a moment of breathless pause.

Hope starts to rise inside of him.

"What do you need to tell me?" He whispers, scared that this is a dream and that he'll wake up alone in his hotel room with only the ghost of Buck making him company. 

There's a few beats of silence, stretching in the air between them. 

"I lied to you." Buck blurts out a few seconds later. "Remember— Remember that kiss? The night we—" 

"I remember." Eddie says. He remembers it all too well. 

He doubts he could ever forget it. Not in this lifetime. 

"When we talked about it, I told you it was nothing." Buck looks down, his hand still grabbing at Eddie's wrist, his fingers cold against his but still making a warm and fuzzy feeling surge up in his heart. "I told you I was drunk and that it was a mistake." 

"Yeah?" 

"I lied, Eddie." At this, Buck looks up, hopeful and open. "I was scared and my parents— I thought I was over them, you know? I thought I had accepted that they would never come around and that I was okay with it. But then they were there, ruining my life and everything I've worked so hard to build—" 

"Buck—"

"Let me finish, please " Buck begs him. "I just, I need to say this." 

"Okay." Eddie whispers, stepping a little bit closer to him. "Okay, sorry. Carry on." 

Buck takes a deep breath and nods. "I was scared. All my life I felt so— I've always felt so helpless, you know? I've always felt too needy, too emotional, too much." He swallows thickly. " They made me feel like that. And when they went to the press and they told them about Daniel… all of those feelings came rushing into the surface." 

Eddie makes a soft hurt noise at the back of his throat but he doesn't say anything, letting Buck get it out of his chest. 

"And then I kinda freaked out. I kissed you and it felt— Eddie, it felt so good. It felt like it was right, and natural, and like I've been waiting my whole life for something like that. And I thought— there's no way it can last. There's no way this amazing, wonderful, extraordinary man can love me and can stay with me. It's just too good to be true." 

Eddie frowns, shaking his head. "Buck—" 

"You made me feel like the perfect amount of enough and that terrified me, Eddie." Buck squeezes his wrist, almost imperceptibly pulling him closer to him. "And then you flew to the other side of the world and I realized that I'm the biggest idiot in existence and I'm praying and hoping you could forgive me, and that maybe—" He takes a deep breath and then says, in a voice so low that is barely above a whisper, "And that maybe you feel the same." 

Eddie bites his lip and breathes those words, taking them in and letting the hope turn into giddiness and anticipation. 

In the silence that keeps hanging over the room. Buck falters a little and Eddie smiles.

"You're really good words, Evan Buckley. Did you know that?" 

"Well, it's kind of my job." Buck chuckles weakly. "So… is that all you have to say?" 

"No," Eddie takes another step closer, his bare foot gracing against Buck's sneaker. "I also want to say that I do. That I feel the same." His voice softens. "I mean, you're an idiot and I kinda want to shake some sense into you half the time… but I love you." 

Buck's eyes dance over his face back and forth, as if almost trying to commit it to memory (even when, if Eddie has any say about it, they have a lifetime ahead of them.)

"You're extraordinary, Eddie Diaz." Buck breathes out, his voice full of awe and wonder. 

"We can be extraordinary together," Eddie whispers and he can't hold back anymore. He leans in until their lips are touching— Buck's lips are wet and cold against his because of the rain, but Eddie can't bring himself to care. 

Eddie smiles into the kiss, as he cards his fingers through Buck’s curls making Buck practically purr against him as he leans into the touch, kissing him just as hard. 

Eddie's heart soars, happy that after all the pining moments that stretched long with want and hope and worry and fear and sometimes even pain, they are now finally here. They're finally on the same page and Eddie doesn't have to pretend anymore. 

They've made it. 

–

Five Months Later

Eddie wins the Golden Lion for his performance in Leave The Light On movie. The award  is a lot lighter than he’d thought it would be and he still can't believe it. He gets on that stage on shaky legs, and a smile so big that his cheeks hurt. 

He thanks Buck at the very end of his acceptance speech.

"And of course thank you to Evan Buckley. Thank you for writing the amazing words and creating the wonderful character of Gabriel. Thank you for believing that I could make him justice from the very beginning. " Eddie says softly, his eyes focused on only one person in a crowd of thousands. "Thank you for being extraordinary with me." 

I love you, Buck mouths from his seat in the crowd. 

I love you, Eddie mouths back, not caring about the cameras around them or anything else in the world. Just them.