Work Text:
Felix hesitates when he opens the door, just like he thought he would. This was his decision, he wanted this to happen, but now that it’s right in front of him, what if it’s all a mistake?
Months have passed since he and Hyunjin broke up. None of them have been easy– not for one second has anything about them been easy. Not when they broke up, not when they fucked for the first time after, and certainly not now as they come to the end of it all.
Felix is poetic, a hopeless romantic who loves things tied up neatly with pretty bows that cover the ugly truths. Even if the ending hurts, as long as it’s a beautiful kind of pain, Felix can live with it. If the truth is painted a lovely shade of pink, if it looks like it was peaceful and neat, he can ignore the turmoil it stirred in him.
He knows this will only create a storm in his heart– it already has. For days he lectured himself, tried to preach lessons of self-respect and self-love. Felix is fighting it, trying to snap himself out of the fantasy because this only happens in love stories, and their story is nothing like that. He fights the way he wants Hyunjin to want him– every hint at desire for something, someone– Felix wants it to be him . Perhaps it is their history. The stains Hyunjin left went deep, is this just part of them sinking into his skin?
I want it, I want it, I want it. I want to feel the last rush before I start over again, sober, released from your thorns. You’re an addiction, you’re a drug and I’m deathly addicted to you. In other circumstances, this would be romantic maybe, but not here. Here, this is a confession of my lust, my sins, my desires that I wish I could destroy. Indulge me this last time, let’s end it on a bittersweet note instead of a sour one.
“Hi,” Hyunjin says first, staying behind the threshold of Felix’s door in case he decides to slam it in his face. “This wasn’t really how I thought things would end up.”
Felix laughs dryly; he wasn’t expecting the coping mechanism jokes to start so soon. “You and me both.”
Silence falls between them as Hyunjin takes his shoes off and slips his jacket off his shoulders. There’s nothing for Felix to do except watch from his couch and wait for Hyunjin to join him, thoughts swirling rapidly in his brain. He wants, but he shouldn’t. He needs, but he doesn’t.
Hyunjin gives him space, positioning himself so he’s facing Felix from the other end of the couch, not an inch of their skin touching. Felix wonders if his hands are itching with unspoken words, if there is a terrible craving clawing at his chest.
“We said we would talk first.” Felix breaks the silence, his heart skipping a beat. This is where it starts, it’s happening now.
“We did,” Hyunjin swallows, fiddling with one of the rings on his fingers. “I don’t know how to start.”
“It hurts,” That seems like a good place to start, Felix decides. He tries to keep his body relaxed, hiding the hurricane in his heart as much as he can. “All of it hurts now. I can’t think about anything without wondering what was really going on. Nothing- nothing is the same now, Hyunjin.”
“I know. I knew it wouldn’t be, not after what happened. And it shouldn’t have happened like that. You didn’t deserve that.”
“I know.” Felix hears Hyunjin’s breath catch in his throat, tension building between them. He always thought that if they ever had breakup sex, it would be angry, hateful. Not once did he think it would be like this– sad, disappointed, full of guilt and unsaid words. “I always wondered if you knew you were losing me. It wasn’t like you showed me that you cared. Even now, I still can’t believe that you do.”
“I care so much though Felix. Even now, all I ever want is for you to be happy. I know it was all right person wrong time, but I’ve always loved you. There was never a second I didn’t love you.” Emotions come pouring out of Hyunjin’s throat and Felix thinks that perhaps this is the most genuine he’s ever seen Hyunjin. It makes him want all over again because he can feel deep in his soul that Hyunjin is different now. They’ve both grown, they’ve healed, they know things about each other and themselves now that they didn’t know before. But in those things, they know that it was more than emotional unavailability. Their problems went deeper than that, and although the rose tinted glasses can almost cover those frayed threads, when Felix shakes them off he can see it all. Those are the things he has to remind himself of, those sharp, jagged edges that don’t line up.
“I love you. Fuck, I love you so much sometimes I can’t even look at you because it feels so wrong. ” Felix doesn’t even try to hold back, he doesn’t want to. He wants Hyunjin to know everything. He wants their souls to be bare and open to each other, all of the emotions on display. Vulnerability was never their strong suit with each other, but this is so different to that. This is goodbye, so why not spill every last drop of their hearts onto the table and let them blur together, strengthening the bond just before they snap it.
Please don’t leave me, I can’t lose you and please let me go .
“We shouldn’t be doing this,” Felix whispers, but his body is leaning closer and closer to Hyunjin’s with every passing second. Just one more time, one last time and he can leave. It will be over after this, it won’t hurt anymore after this.
“I know.” And then Hyunjin is everywhere. His hands, his touch, his lips painting pretty flowers on Felix’s skin. He’s consuming Felix, passion surrounding the two of them and making the air around them thick with too many things to name. Felix doesn’t even know where he ends and Hyunjin begins, lost in the sensation of Hyunjin pulling at his waist and dragging a hand through Felix’s hair.
It hurts. It hurts like nothing else and it makes Felix wish he just stopped all of this while he could. All of his regrets pool in his stomach and pour into his kisses, guilt growing with every press of Hyunjin’s body into his. This wasn’t what he wanted for them, this isn’t where he wanted them to end up.
At least this is the last time though, truly. For what they’re doing, Felix finds the thought bitter, his body tensing only slightly under Hyunjin’s. It’s enough though, Hyunjin immediately picks up on the change and pulls himself away so he can peer down at Felix through lust-filled eyes.
“We don’t have to. You know we don’t have to do anything.” He’s breathing heavily now, lips tinted red and slightly swollen.
Felix feels like he might break under Hyunjin’s gaze. If he stops now, if he says that it’s over, then that’s it. He wants it– knows he should want that outcome– but this is what he has. Hyunjin, wanting him, craving his body, touching him. Felix has this, and selfishly he wants this too.
They kiss, their hands wandering and tracing and remembering for one last time. Felix feels himself falling, tears almost brimming but he stops them because there is nothing to cry for. This is the pretty, neatly tied bow he asked for. This is the poetry he has written– their last dance, his last confession. After this, they’ll go their separate ways, marks still littering their bodies, a glow still lighting their skin.
But this, oh this is all Felix has wanted for so long. To be consumed by Hyunjin, to feel the desire between them just like he used to. Hyunjin’s touch on his body, those hands that he grew so familiar with before they were ripped away, never touching him again.
“We could be so much better now.” Hyunjin whispers between kisses into Felix’s neck.
“I know.” Felix whispers back– and not for the first time tonight, those words sound like a goodbye.
Tell me that it hurts you too. Tell me that it hurts you every time you see me and remember that I’m not yours and you’re not mine. Tell me that it hurts when you remember that despite everything, we know better and we know we don’t work. Tell me it feels like you can’t breathe. Tell me I’m not the only one.
Hyunjin is as gentle with Felix as he’s ever been, careful with his hands and slow with his motions. He opens Felix up until he can’t take it anymore, slipping inside as they both gasp at the almost forgotten sensation. Emotions start welling up in Felix’s chest again, but he shoves them back down, ignoring the burning of his heart.
Every thrust of Hyunjin’s hips force the flames higher and higher, fire consuming Felix until it’s all he can feel. Lust, arousal, pain, anguish, disappointment, yearning. He wants, he wants, he wants, he is taking , and he can’t even have it anymore.
By the time they’re both on the edge, tears are streaming freely down Felix’s face. He half expects Hyunjin to make some joke about fucking him so good he’s crying, but all Hyunjin does is gently wipe the tears away and press a loving kiss to his forehead. Loving, love .
A few more sharp thrusts have Hyunjin groaning over Felix, warmth pooling deep in his stomach as Hyunjin collapses on top of him. “I love you Felix, I love you. I love you, I love you.”
Felix tries to wrap his arms around Hyunjin, tries to hold him close, but he’s met with nothing but air. Confusion sinks in, cold air meeting his bare arms, and then his eyes snap open. Felix wakes up, alone, sweating. His sheets are tangled through his legs, his heart is pounding in his chest, and he’s alone.
The illusion is shattered, the fantasy is broken forever. Felix swallows the pain and forces himself out of bed, ignoring the mostly faded hickeys scattered across his collarbone and stomach when he looks in the mirror. They will be a reminder until they’re gone completely, and even after Felix will still remember how they felt. He’ll always remember what they mean.
I’m sorry, I love you, I’m sorry.