Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When Pedro shows up at his house on a random Thursday, Balthazar is only partly surprised. It’s not altogether abnormal for Pedro to come over on any given afternoon, but it isn’t often that he arrives unannounced. Balthazar is watching TV in the basement when Pedro suddenly slumps down beside him, surprising Balthazar so much he almost falls off the couch.

“Jesus, you scared me man,” he says, one hand on his chest. Pedro just stares glumly at the TV in front of him.

“You won’t believe what I just did.”

“Did it involve breaking into my house? Or am I forgetting that we had plans?” Balthazar laughs.

“JoJo let me in. Sorry I didn’t text, it was too embarrassing to put into words. I had to come over and tell you in person.”

Balthazar is curious now. He hasn’t seen Pedro this wound up in…well, maybe ever.

“Ok, well what is it?”

Pedro finally turns to look at him, a pained expression on his face. He opens his mouth to speak, but then closes it again, covering his face with his hands.

“Ugh, nevermind, yep, still too embarrassing to put into words,” he says. “Where’s your computer? I’ll just show you instead.”

Five minutes later, Balthazar is sitting in front of his computer at his desk, and Pedro is lying on his bed, an arm thrown across his face as if to shield himself from the embarrassment emanating from the screen.

Balthazar has to admit: it IS pretty awful. And yet, the whole situation is so predictably Pedro. Of course he had chosen, of all times, to tell Beatrice how he felt about her while he was on-camera. Who else would do something like that? Certainly not Balthazar, who couldn’t even bring himself to tell a certain someone about his feelings even when he was off-camera. It was a stupid thing to do, yet Balthazar can’t help but feel a great deal of affection for his friend, even if he was a giant idiot.

“It’s awful, isn’t it?” Pedro groans, peeking out at Balthazar from under his arm.

Balthazar is quiet for a moment. Finally, he speaks.

“I can’t believe you thought ‘chucked,’ sounded different from ‘lobbed.’ Do you even know what those words mean?”

Pedro uncovers his face entirely now.

“What?” he says.

“Chucked and lobbed. You said you chucked a sand ball at Beatrice rather than lobbed it, like that sounds any better.”

Pedro is just staring at him incredulously from his position on the bed. Finally, he sits up.

“THAT’S your takeaway from that video?”

Balthazar shrugs, his expression neutral. Inside, he is grinning. Because he loves this: the witty back and forth that the two of them are oh so so good at.

“I mean, yeah man, it was kinda hard to ignore.”

Pedro lets out a short laugh.

“You’re ridiculous, bro.”

Balthazar hates when he calls him that, but decides to be ok with it. Pedro is having a considerably rough day, after all.

“I don’t think so,” he says, closing his computer now and swiveling to face Pedro fully. “Besides, if anything, this video has just made you more appealing to the ~ladies~.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

Pedro laughs.

“How do you figure that?” he says.

“Little sympathy never hurt anyone,” Balthazar shrugs. “I’m sure there are tons of girls clambering away in the comments to soothe ‘poor old’ Pedro.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Pedro says, punching him lightly in the shoulder.

“Wh- it’s true,” Balthazar says indignantly. “Look - right here.” He turns back to his computer screen, scrolls for a minute, and then holds up the laptop for Pedro to see.

“Here’s one right here: Poor Pedro! I wouldn't mind being his princess.”

“I think you’re forgetting about the “poor pedro,” part, “ Pedro says, pushing the laptop away. “How am I supposed to uphold my big, football captain, student leader persona with that kinda crap online?”

He’s half-joking, but Balthazar can tell that there’s some realness to that comment. Ever since he’s known him, image has been very important to Pedro. It’s part of the reason Balthazar has had to tread so carefully around their relationship, because he knows it doesn’t exactly fit into that carefully curated persona.

“Yeah but, is that really what you want though?” he says, setting his laptop down. “I mean, you know, to be that big, ultra masculine, jock kind of guy?”

Balthazar isn’t sure why he says it, because it isn’t exactly his place to judge. But he can’t seem to resist.

Pedro looks thoughtful for a moment.

“I don’t know, that’s just always how I’ve thought of myself,” he says, shrugging. “Why? Don’t think I’m all I’m cracked up to be?” he smirks.

Balthazar can sense some real worry there, like finding out that Balthazar himself doesn’t really like him would be particularly devastating.

“Nah, it’s not that,” he says, his hands on his knees as he swivels in his chair. “It’s just…” He considers his words carefully. “I think there’s a lot more to you than that, is all.”

Pedro is looking at him strangely now, and Balthazar suddenly feels uncomfortable. He clears his throat.

“What I’m trying to say is that, if anything, this video just proves that you really are Pedro Donaldson, all-round great guy. You really did deal with it quite elegantly.”

Pedro is still looking at him weirdly, but he seems to gather himself temporarily.

“All round great guy,” he says, testing the words out in his mouth. “You really buy that?”

Balthazar is quiet for a moment.

“Yeah, I do,” he says, simply.

From: Pedro
I am an asshole.

Balthazar’s phone buzzes.

From: Balthazar
Are you now? In what way?

From: Pedro
In a way that involves fucking around with Ben until god knows when and sleeping through my best friend’s gig.

Balthazar smiles.

From: Balthazar
Fucking around with Ben? Pedro, I had no idea…

From: Pedro
You are the worst.
But really I am the worst.
I’m sorry, man. I said I would come.
I can’t seem to do anything right right now.

Balthazar sighs.

From: Balthazar
Wanna come over?

From: Pedro
Be there in 10.

Pedro shows up at his door ten minutes later, two coffees in hand and a sheepish grin on his face.

“I come bearing gifts,” he says, handing one to Balthazar, and Balthazar moves aside so he can step through the door.

“Ah yeah, thanks man,” Balthazar replies. He’s happy to see Pedro (why wouldn’t he be), and he’s especially happy to see him with coffee. He’d woken up early for his gig, and even though he’d left the party at a reasonable hour, he hadn’t fallen asleep until late. There were too many things on his mind, too many questions that had been raised. Chief among them: Why had Pedro done it? Asked him to go outside, that is.

It seemed obvious that Pedro had wanted to talk in private. But the reasons for this, well, Balthazar could think of many. Maybe he was just annoyed at Ben and wanted to get away. Maybe he wanted to talk about Hero. Or maybe, just maybe….

After hours of lying in bed, his brain was never able to suss out the situation. So now, standing in the foyer, neither he nor Pedro looking at one another, Balthazar decides it’s time to take stock of what’s happened.

It’s…weird. Not detrimentally weird, but weird all the same. Balthazar can’t help but feel that something has changed. The friendship they’d carefully maintained for the last year and a half, the understanding they’d had of one another, it’s shifted ever so slightly, in a way that Balthazar can’t put his finger on. It had always been tipping, but they’d gotten very good at keeping it balanced. Now, it was like the scale had been kicked up in the air, and Balthazar was just waiting to see where Pedro wanted it to land.

He hadn’t come to the gig. That wasn’t a good sign. But then, he was here now, wasn’t he?

“I see Rosa’s home,” Pedro says, gesturing at the suitcases sitting heaped up by the door.

“Yeah, she got in yesterday afternoon, right before the party. It’s why I was late. I hear there was much family revelry in my absence.”

“There’s always revelry at the Jones household,” Pedro laughs, and Balthazar shrugs.

“What can I say? I had to get it from somewhere.” They both know he’s joking. He’s definitely the least party-loving person there is.

There’s silence again. Balthazar is trying very hard not to look straight at Pedro, too scared that his face will give away something he doesn’t intend to portray. But Pedro still isn’t DOING anything, and this isn’t how they work. Pedro is the DO-er, not Balthazar.

“You…wanna come upstairs?” Balthazar ventures.

“Sure, yeah, sounds good,” Pedro looks relieved.

Once they’re up there, Balthazar isn’t really sure the change of location has solved the problem. He sits down on his bed, but Pedro stands awkwardly by the door.

“So how’d it go, then?” Balthazar starts, trying to break the silence.

“Huh?” Pedro looks startled.

“You know, the fucking around with Benedick?” Balthazar smirks, and Pedro seems relieved to hear the joke.

“It was great, yeah,” he laughs. “We spent, like, hours editing that video. Not really sure why it seemed so complicated at the time. Probably just because we were drunk and exhausted.”

“Ah yes, drunk editing,” Balthazar replies, smiling good-naturedly. “I would imagine it’s considerably more difficult, and especially with Ben. He’s a lightweight.”

“Yeah, for sure,” Pedro huffs out a laugh, but Balthazar can tell he’s distracted, because he quickly goes quiet again. He’s wearing a hoodie and scuffed sneakers, not the outfit from last night, but his hair looks like it needs a good brushing, and Balthazar’s heart speeds up, because this means he might have been in a rush to come over.

The silence is once again almost too much to bear, which for Balthazar, is certainly saying something. But finally, Pedro breaks it.

“So…did you get a chance to watch it?”

“What? The video?” Balthazar replies.

“Yeah, you know, the masterpiece Ben and I spent all night creating.”

“Uh no, not yet,” Balthazar says. This is a lie, of course. He’s lost count of the number of times he’s watched it. “You know, gigging and all…”

“Ah shit, yeah, I’m really sorry about that,” Pedro winces, and Balthazar knows that he is. His face hasn’t changed since the blow-up with Hero only a week or two ago, and honestly, Balthazar would give anything for him to go back to good old Pedro again.

“Nah, it’s fine,” he says, even though he isn’t sure it is. Because Pedro is going through a lot and it really isn’t that big of a deal anyway. “It’s just a gig. I have another one next week, just come to that one.”

“I will,” Pedro replies. Balthazar wants to believe that he means it. They’re quiet again, and Pedro is still standing awkwardly by the door.

“Pedro?”

“Yeah?”

“You ok, man?”

Pedro sighs. Finally, he sits down on the bed.

“Not really,” he admits.

Balthazar goes to put his hand on his shoulder, but then changes his mind.

“Well,” Balthazar starts. “I wish…”

He wishes what? That Pedro could accept that everyone forgives him? That he would feel better? That he would love Balthazar back?

“I just..I wish you could get it through your head how great we all still think you are.”

Pedro still doesn’t look at him, but appears to be turning Balthazar’s words over in his head.

“We?” he finally says, quietly.

Balthazar feels like Pedro has just planted a land mine in front of him, and frankly, it doesn’t feel fair. It’s Pedro’s turn to do something here, to finish what he started.

“Yeah, we,” Balthazar says, carefully. “Ben, Hero, Bea…and me.”

Pedro looks at him then, eyes big and sad, and it’s almost like Balthazar can hear him pleading with him. Can almost hear him saying: “I’m not ready, I wasn’t ready, I need more time.”

And Balthazar can wait. He’s certainly gotten very good at it.

So when Pedro doesn’t show up for the next gig either, and Damien, instead, does, Balthazar thinks it all makes sense in some kind of weird, fucked up way. He needs to see if he can move on from Pedro, and he needs Pedro to feel like it’s ok. And most of all, he needs things to stop feeling weird between them. So he grabs Damien’s hand and resolves to have a good summer, both feet firmly on shore.

They’re at a New Year’s party when Ben and Pedro ask him to move to Wellington. Pedro’s parents are hosting. Balthazar hasn’t really seen Pedro since they uploaded a Merry Note, and even that had sort of been an anomaly. In fact, the pair have been oddly distant since Balthazar got back with Damien. Well, Balthazar says ‘oddly,’ but he knows that that distance has been somewhat intentional, on both of their parts.

“Balthy!” Pedro says when he opens the door, and Balthazar can’t help but notice how his entire face lights up when he sees him. It’s…confusing. In fact, everything about Pedro is confusing these days.

“Hey man,” he says, ducking in through the door. “Happy New Year.”

Balthazar can tell that Pedro is already a little bit drunk, because he throws his arm around Balthazar’s shoulder, something he hasn’t done in months.

“Happy New Year,” he says. “Ben and I were just talking about you, funnily enough.”

“Oh yeah?” Balthazar tries to ignore Pedro’s warmth from beside him.

“Yeah, he-”

“Heeeeey, it’s Balthazar!” Ben interrupts, now coming into the foyer. If Pedro is tipsy, then Ben is basically black out drunk given how low his tolerance is. He tries to throw another arm around Balthazar’s shoulder, and now the three of them are standing there in an awkward three-way hug, if you can even call it that. Both of them are grinning at Balthazar stupidly. Idiots.

“Yep, that’s me,” Balthazar laughs, finally peeling both arms off of him so he can take off his coat. “Sorry I’m late, Mum and dad had to drop Rosa off at some other party first.”

Pedro is still looking at him with a goofy grin on his face, and Balthazar tries to avoid his gaze.

“YOU need a drink,” Pedro says, finally steering him into the kitchen. Ben follows behind. Balthazar grabs himself a beer from the cooler on the kitchen counter.

“So Balthy,” Ben says. “Pedro and I were just…just talking about…”

“About uni next year,” Pedro fills in, taking a sip of his own drink.

“Yes, uni!” Ben says loudly. “Uni in Wellington, as a matter of fact.”

“Ah yeah, yeah I’m pretty excited myself I must say,” Balthazar says, because he is. Something about Auckland this summer has felt…stifling. He feels like he needs a fresh start.

“Wellll,” Ben says, “Do you want it to be even moooore exciting?”

“More..exciting?” Balthazar says.

“Ben, here, has asked me if I wanna go flatting with him,” Pedro says, now throwing an arm around Ben’s shoulders. “Well, him and some dude named Freddie.”

“Freddie’s a GIRL, not a dude,” Ben says indignantly, reaching for another drink. Pedro carefully slips the drink out of Ben’s hands and into his own. “Heyy,” he says, but Pedro just looks at him meaningfully.

“I think you may have had enough for now, you big glug,” he says good-naturedly, heading toward the sink to get Ben some water instead.

Ben leans over to whisper into Balthazar’s ear conspiratorially.

“He thinks I’m drunk, but I’m really not,” Ben says, and Balthazar nods at him nicely.

“Anyway,” Ben says. “We need a fourth flatter, and we thought, who else would wanna live with us? And then Pedro threw out your name and it was like,” Ben claps his hands together. “Wham! That makes perfect sense!”

Balthazar is momentarily confused. Pedro had “thrown out his name”?

“You…want me to flat with you guys?”

“Of course!” Ben says. “Just imagine it: me, you, Pedro. A trifecta of talent. A quad-fecta really, if you add Freds in.”

Balthazar isn’t so sure. He and Pedro have been…well, weird lately. He isn’t sure that flatting together is the optimal choice. But then, if Pedro had suggested it? Maybe he had changed his mind. Maybe he wanted to reconnect. Or maybe he wanted even more than to reconnect…

“Ben’s over-hyping things,” Pedro says, returning with Ben’s water. “We just thought…well, we needed a fourth flatter, and you said you hadn’t applied for halls, so…”

Balthazar is trying hard to read Pedro’s face at this point, but he’s annoyingly good at hiding his thoughts. He always has been. He must know that this is an extremely confusing vibe to be giving off. How is Balthazar supposed to interpret this? Is it a good sign? A bad? The whole thing is very frustrating.

“Uh, yeah, I dunno guys,” Balthazar says. “Are you sure it’s a good idea? I don’t wanna start hating each other just because we live so close together.”

“Hate each other?” Ben perks up. “Impossible.”

“I agree with Ben,” Pedro says. “I mean, it’s not like we don’t already spend half the time at each other’s houses anyway.”

This really isn’t true, but Balthazar considers it anyway.

“Well…” he says. “If you both really think it’s a good idea.”

“YES!” Ben yells, and he starts dancing around the kitchen. “Balthy’s coming flatting, Balthy’s coming flatting,” he sings.

“I had no idea you two were so obsessed with me,” Balthazar laughs, turning to face Pedro, who’s looking at him with a strange expression on his face. It vanishes as soon as Balthazar’s gaze turns on his, and he clears his throat, the Pedro charm back on in full force.

“Obsessed with you? The mighty Balthazar Jones?” he says, wiggling his eyebrows. But Balthazar must have a serious expression on his face because he sees Pedro’s mask slip slightly.

“How could we not be?” Pedro says quietly.

Ben is still dancing by himself in the middle of the kitchen floor, and Balthazar tears his gaze away from Pedro to watch him. He doesn’t want to get ahead of himself, wants to make sure he’s interpreting this invitation correctly.

“You’re really on board with this, Pedro?” he says finally.

Pedro looks uncomfortable for a moment, but it passes quickly.

“Yeah,” he says, shaking himself. “It’s a new beginning. Why wouldn’t I want my best mate down in Wellington with me?”

Best mate. Balthazar gets the message. This move to Wellington isn’t meant to be a come-on, but it is a sign that Pedro wants to be friends, wants to reconnect in some way, doesn’t like the distance that’s grown between them.

By all accounts, this still isn’t a good move for Balthazar. If there’s one thing he’s learned from dating Damien, it’s that he’s still massively hung up on Pedro, and it’s probably for the best if he moves on. But then…this is Pedro he’s talking about. And Balthazar never can seem to think rationally when it comes to him anyway.

Finally, Balthazar smiles.

“Right,” he says. “Yeah, a new beginning.”

He and Pedro both sip their drinks while they watch Ben continue to parade around the kitchen floor.

Chapter Text

When Ben asks him to move to Wellington, Pedro is already deep on a path to destruction. In fact, he honestly isn’t sure why Ben asks in the first place. It’s late in December, and after the blow-up at the end of the school year, he’s barely spoken to his friends at all. In his mind, this isn’t his fault. It’s obvious that no one wants to be around him. How could they? He was an absolute dick and doesn’t deserve their forgiveness, or even their friendship really. 

“You want me to what?” he says over the phone, while Ben squeals at him from the other side.

“Come to Wellie with me! I know you already decided you’re going for university, and Fred and I need flat-mates. It’ll be great – like Messina High, transported afar.”

Pedro doesn’t want Messina High. In fact, he wants to get as far away from Messina High as possible. That was the whole point.

“Ben, I really don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Oh, come on, Pedro,” Ben whines. “It’ll be fun! It’s not like you have any other living arrangements made anyway.” And it’s true. Pedro had always planned on going to college, but after the fall-out with Hero, he suddenly wasn’t sure what he was doing anymore. In fact, he waited so long to make up his mind about his plans after graduating that he missed out on applying for halls. Just like - and he hates to admit it - Benedick.

“Why do you even want to live with me anyway?” Pedro says. “I’m not exactly everyone’s best friend at the moment.”

“I seriously have no clue what you’re talking about,” Ben says, and Pedro can’t believe it, but he actually thinks he’s being honest. “You’re everyone’s best mate. You’re Pedro fucking Donaldson! Why wouldn’t I want to live with you?”

Pedro sighs.

“I just…I feel like I need some space.”

Ben’s quiet on the other line.

“Are you…mad at me or something?”

“What? No, I’m not mad,” Pedro rushes, because he really doesn’t want Ben to think that. “I just…I feel like I have some things to work through, and I kind of need to, you know…reestablish myself or something.”

Ben’s quiet for a moment, as if he’s trying to show that he understands, but Pedro knows he really doesn’t.

“Well, if that’s how you feel…” Ben says quietly. “I guess Freddie and Balth and I will just have to find someone else to flat with.”

Pedro knows Ben is playing him, knows exactly what he’s doing, throwing Balthazar’s name in there like a casual, last-minute addition. But he can’t even do anything about it, he plays right into his hands.

“Balthazar?” he hears himself say. Damn it.

“Oh yeah, did I not mention that?” Ben says lightly, and it’s almost like Pedro can hear him smirking through the phone. “We’re thinking of inviting him to Wellington too.”

Pedro isn’t listening anymore. He’s barely spoken to Balthazar since that day after the apology party. Partly because they’d been busy, but mostly because…well Pedro doesn’t really know why. He knows that after the party, the ball had been thrown in his court. But after talking to Bea and watching that video over and over again with Ben, well…he just wasn’t sure he wanted it yet. Deserved it, really. And certainly not with Balthazar, who was- well, in Pedro’s eyes, he was pretty close to perfect. So instead of doing anything about it, for once in his life Pedro had decided to sit back on the sidelines and just…ignore it. Because taking action hadn’t exactly been a good thing for him in the last year, so why should it start being one now?

And Balthazar, like only Balthazar could, seemed to understand this. Or at least, that’s what Pedro hoped. In the past year, they had formed an understanding of what was happening between them, and up until the drama of this year, Pedro had even thought he might be ready to do something about it. But after the fall-out, he just wasn't in the right place for a relationship. But then John and Ben had cornered him, and…it had forced a moment that Peter wasn’t really ready for.

When Balthazar started dating Damien again, Pedro found it kind of a relief. It felt like Balthazar was telling him, in the soft way that was so HIM: “It’s ok. Take your time.” But at the same time, he couldn’t help but feel hurt and frustrated with himself. Because why couldn’t he just be ready?

He had spent a great many of his days this spring trying NOT to think about Balthazar. Trying not to think about the days they had spent hanging out in his room, talking about all kinds of stupid stuff while unspoken tension brewed between them and made him feel like his fingers and toes were on fire. It didn’t matter that he missed him. It didn’t matter that he constantly thought about touching him. He wasn’t right for Balthazar right now, and Peter didn’t want to hurt him. Living with Balthazar would definitely be a bad idea. But then….

“Does he…I mean, did you…have you told him you were thinking of asking me?” Pedro hates the hoarseness in his voice.

“Well I haven’t really run it by him yet, thought I’d check with you first. But why wouldn’t he? It’s been forever since we’ve all hung out together.”

Pedro considers this fact. It’s true that the three of them haven’t spent much time together since school ended, but Pedro isn’t so sure that’s a bad thing. Would Balthazar even want to live with him? Pedro knew that Balthazar liked him…wouldn’t it be, you know, awkward? But then again, Balthazar had always liked him, and it had never caused problems before. Plus, Bath was dating Damien anyway, so what was the risk there?

“Pedro! Earth to Pedro!” Pedro realizes Ben is singing at him from the other side of the phone.

“Uh, yeah, I’m here,” he clears his throat.

Ben is definitely gloating from the other end of the line.

“So anyway, I guess I’ll go tell Balth and Freds that we’re out of luck. Thanks for thinking about it, Pedro, I’ll talk to you…”

“Wait!” Pedro says, and Ben stalls.

“Yeeees?” he smiles.

“I guess…if you really want me to…” Pedro winces. “I’ll be your fourth flatmate.”

“Yyyes!!” Ben yells from the other end of the line, and Pedro has to hold his phone away from his ear he’s being so loud. “You won’t regret this Pedro! It’s gonna be epic!”

And with that, Ben hangs up the phone. Pedro stares at it. He really can’t believe he’s such an idiot.

“Ben, I swear, if you play that song one more time, I am seriously going to kill you.”

“Alright, alright, yeesh,” Ben says from the back seat, pausing the music that’s blaring through the car and searching through his phone for reasonable alternatives.  

Riding shotgun, Balthazar grins. 

“What’s the matter, Pedro?” he says. “I thought you liked my music.”

“I do like YOUR music,” Pedro laughs. “I do not like songs that BEN has written to woo his girlfriend. Even if they do feature your magnificent vocals.”

The three of them are about two hours into their drive down to Wellington. Pedro’s parents had offered to help him move in, but he’d decided he wanted to do it on his own. This move was strategic, after all. Symbolic, if you will. It’s the moment he breaks away from all that he was back at Messina, re-defining himself as anything BUT Pedro Donaldson: All Round Great Guy. And the whole process starts with leaving Auckland and all the baggage that comes with it far, FAR behind. Ben and Balthazar had seemed to like the idea of driving up independently too, and when Pedro had mentioned renting a van, they had jumped on the idea of splitting the cost (and driving), deciding to all pile in together.

“I can’t believe we’re actually starting university,” Ben says. “I sorta thought this day would never come.”

“Is that because you never had the foresight to think about the future at all?” Pedro says. He’s joking, but also kind of not. It’s an unfair jab, given Ben’s obvious dislike for school and much of what it entails, but Ben’s been getting on his nerves the entire ride, and frankly, Pedro isn’t really sure why Ben decided to go to university in the first place.

Ben fails to see the truth in the barb, however, and simply sticks his tongue out at Pedro. 

“You must be excited, Balth,” he says, leaning forward in his seat. “A brand new city, plenty of new people to meet. Should be a good opportunity to get over Damien.”

The car immediately goes quiet. Pedro is at once surprised and appalled. He hadn’t realized that Balthazar and Damien had broken up. And he also can’t believe Ben just had the gall to bring it up.

“Uhm, yeah, I guess,” Balthazar squirms in his seat.

“You and Damien broke up?” Pedro asks. He knows he should be shutting this conversation down (because what the fuck Ben, how is this any of either of their business), but something far deep down inside of him prevents him from keeping his mouth shut.

“Ah,  yeah, a week or two ago,” Balthazar mumbles. “It’s fine though, it was pretty mutual.”

Pedro is having a hard time sorting out his feelings. A million and one thoughts fly through his head all at once. The first, most banal emotion is happiness – he hadn’t really enjoyed seeing Balth dating Damien, deep down. But the second emotion is fear. Because wait a second, Balthazar is single? This wasn’t the plan.

“You didn’t know, Pedro?” Ben smirks from the back. “I thought you were always up on Balthazar’s life.”

“Ben, shut up,” Pedro says. “I’m sure Balthazar doesn’t really wanna be discussing this with either of us.”

“Nah, it’s ok,” Balthazar shrugs. Pedro looks at him doubtfully. “Seriously - it really wasn’t a big deal. I got back together with him because I needed to figure some things out. It was a personal journey.”

Ben is ogling him from the back.

“Figure what things ou-”

“BEN.”

“It’s fine, Pedro,” Balthazar laughs. “Really. I dunno Ben, I just, needed closure or something? You know, to make sure that we had really broken up for the right reasons. Back in year 11.”

Pedro is hardly listening to the conversation. Warning sirens are currently going off in his brain. Balthazar is single. And they’re about to live together. Why was Balthazar single? Why had he chosen NOW, of all times, to break things off? Was he getting the wrong idea? Did he think Pedro was trying to come onto him? Because he wasn’t. Well, not really. Well…he didn’t WANT to be. But sometimes he just couldn’t help it. It was Balthazar, after all.

“And did you?” Ben asks meaningfully from the back.

Balthazar looks out the window thoughtfully.

“Yeah, I think so,” he says, and Pedro swears he can see him smiling softly in the side-view mirror as he looks out the window.

“Well, glad you got that all cleared up, mate,” Ben says, leaning back in his seat. “Because uni is the time for New Beginnings,” he puts jazz hands around the words “new beginnings.”

Balthazar smiles and laughs, glancing at Pedro, whose eyes are trained out the window in front of him as he drives.

“Did you hear that, Pedro? Wellington’s all about New Beginnings.”

Pedro knows Balthazar means this in a supportive way, knows that he can tell Pedro is still struggling, but now Pedro is so afraid of giving off the wrong vibe that he isn’t sure what to do. 

“Yeah, right,” he finally says. He’s quiet for the rest of the drive.

When they arrive at the flat, Freddie is waiting for them at the front door. They pull into the drive, and she stands up from her spot on the front steps, brushing off her shorts and moving towards their car.

“Freddie!” Ben yells, and the two embrace in an energetic hug. Pedro and Balthazar look at each other.

“This should be fun,” Pedro says, and Balthazar just smiles.

“Hi, I’m Freddie,” Freddie says when her long, enthusiastic hug with Ben has finally ended. She has long red hair tied up in a ponytail, and her face is tired, like she’s just finished a long day of moving things around in the flat. 

Pedro has been thinking about this introduction since he decided to move to Wellington a month ago. It’s another essential step in his careful reinvention, one that he feels is especially important. 

“My name’s Peter,” he says, putting his hand out to shake Freddie’s hand.

“Nice to meet you, Peter,” she says, smiling and moving on to greet Balthazar.

“Oh um, I’m…I’m Stanley,” Balthazar says, shaking Freddie’s hands as well. “Stanley Jones.” 

Pedro wants to kick himself. He didn’t mean for Balthazar to introduce himself like that too.

“Woah woah woah, what is going on here?” Ben says. “He is most definitely not Peter, and Balthy, I honestly didn’t even know that was your first name.”

Freddie looks at him in confusion.

“Why would he introduce himself as Stanley if that wasn’t his name, Ben?”

“Because he goes by Balthazar,” Peter cuts in, looking meaningfully at Balth. “Don’t you, Balthy?

“And YOU go by Pedro, ‘Peter,” Ben cuts in.

“Only my childhood friends call me Pedro,” Pedro says to Freddie. “It’s stupid, I know.”

“It’s not stupid!” Ben looks at him incredulously. “It’s who you are! You’re Pedro Donaldson, all-round great-”

“Ben’s just feeling homesick already, can’t get over high school,” Pedro cuts in, glaring at Ben.

“But-”

“Ben,” Freddie says. “If Peter wants to go by Peter, then that’s what he is to me.”

Pedro smiles at her gratefully.

“And how about you, Stanley?” she says, turning to Balthazar. “Do you prefer Stanley, or Balthazar?”

Balthazar still looks a little thrown off by the whole name conversation. Finally, he shrugs.

“Whatever you wanna call me,” he says. “Either name is fine.”

“I like Stanley,” Freddie says. “It fits you.”

Pedro certainly doesn’t agree. It sounds weird…not like the Balthazar he knows at all. And he knows that Balthazar feels the same but isn’t saying anything about it for Pedro’s sake.

“Uh, thanks?” Balthazar says, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

“I have no clue what just happened but I am too hungry to fight about it,” Ben finally sighs. “Freds, please tell me you have food.”

“I have some, but we’ll need to do some shopping,” she says, climbing up the steps with Ben. Pedro and Balthazar follow closely behind.

“What’s with the Stanley thing?” Pedro laughs. “I thought you hated that name.”

“You’re the one who introduced yourself as Peter,” Balthazar said. “I seem to remember you telling me a few months ago that your real name was Peter, ‘boring as it is.”

“It’s not boring,” Pedro says. “It’s just…different. More mature.”

Balthazar looks at him skeptically.

“I guess,” he says, and he can tell that Balthazar is thinking hard. Trying to figure out what’s happening here.

“Also, don’t go by Stanley,” Pedro says suddenly. Balthazar looks at him.

“What?”

“Don’t go by Stanley. It sounds weird.”

“Weird how?”

“Just…weird. Like it’s not you.”

Balthazar is looking at him again. He shakes his head.

“I honestly have no idea what is going on here.”

“Neither do I,” Pedro sighs.

The first few weeks of university are a blur. Peter throws himself into his classes, gets a job at Navarre bar, and spends time exploring the city. It isn’t that he’s TRYING to keep out of the flat, it’s just that, well…he’s beginning to rethink his decision to flat with Ben and Balthazar.

All in all, the move to Wellington has certainly been a good thing. He feels like his reinvention is moving along nicely, and so far, thoughts about last year and all that it entailed remain pleasantly in the background, especially when he numbs them with alcohol. But Ben and Balth…they make it hard to ignore who he was. And Ben especially seems to have a personal mission to keep him from forgetting.

Plus, Balthazar is single. That is a major problem. Because every time Peter is around him, it’s like he’s being pulled towards him like a magnet, even though he knows Balthazar is NOT an option. 

As far as the rest of his flat-mates go, Peter assumes they’re settling in nicely, although he certainly hasn’t asked. If he was REALLY paying attention, he might point out that he is yet to see Ben open a textbook or that Freddie seems unnecessarily obsessed with the flat’s cleanliness. But he doesn’t plan on doing anything about either of those things, and he isn’t paying attention anyway. So it’s a moot point. 

He is certainly trying not to pay any attention to Balthazar, although this especially is exceedingly difficult. But he is surprised to realize how successful his attempts thus far have been when, a few weeks into classes, Balthazar comes out of his room and plops down on the couch across from Peter, a guitar slung over his shoulder. 

“You think you can help me record a new song?” he says.

Peter looks up from the book he is reading.

“You wrote a new song?” he says, wondering how he could have missed that. They live in the same flat, so it seems like he would have heard something. But then again, he HAS been purposefully absent, so maybe that’s why he hasn’t noticed.

“Yeah, just threw it together the other day,” Balthazar says, picking at the strings of the guitar. “Thought I’d chuck it up on your channel. You know, like the one we did in December.”

Peter feels like his throat starts closing up.

“I…don’t think I’m really in the singing mood, Balth,” he says guiltily. “Maybe you could get Ben to help you?”

“Nah, no singing. I just need someone to help set up the camera and stuff. T’ll take two minutes.”

Peter sighs. He shouldn’t be doing this. But he says yes anyway, and it’s only a few seconds into the song that he realizes he’s grinning goofily at Balthazar while he sings. Ugh, he really is pathetic.

The song is happy, deliriously so. And Peter can’t help but feel that if that’s the headspace Balthazar is in, then he sure feels jealous.

After they finish recording, though, Peter notices that Balthazar’s instruments are stashed curiously away, not strewn about the room like they always were back in Auckland. Plus, there’s a variety of dishes stacked up on his desk, alongside two giant textbooks that Balthazar has obviously spent hours thoroughly marking up. It’s very un-Balthazar, and Peter can’t help but pry, just a little bit, into his friend’s life.

“When did you write this?” he asks Balthazar, shutting off the camera.

“Oh, it’s from earlier this year,” Balthazar says. “I wrote it…over Christmas, I think? Not long after we recorded a Merry Note.”

“Mm, makes sense,” Peter nods. Balthazar was dating Damien back at Christmas, so that explains the general positivity. But it doesn't explain why Balthazar had decided to record it now.

“But..what made you decide to upload it now?” Peter asks. 

Balthazar looks down at his lap. “Oh, you know, it’s like Ben said. University is all about New Beginnings,” he says, but Peter can’t help but feel that it sounds like Balthazar is trying to convince himself.  

A few weeks later and it’s obvious to Peter that Balthazar is not doing well. But he isn’t sure what to do. Any attempt to reach out would be read as too intimate. And Peter kind of has his own shit going on. Like the raging hangover he woke up with today. So, he does what any sane person would do: he goes to Ben.

“Ben,” he says, stepping into the kitchen one morning. “I think you should invite Balthazar out.”

“Huh?” Ben says. He has half a sandwich stuffed into his mouth while he stands at the sink, and Peter rolls his eyes.

“Invite Balthazar out,” Peter says. “He’s spending too much time in his room. I think he’s stressed about school.”

Ben swallows.

“Hm yeah, I have noticed that,” he says.

Peter sees a textbook sitting on the counter behind him, a cup of coffee and the other half of his sandwich sitting precariously on top of it.

“Is that your history book?” Peter says, eyes narrowed.

“Uh, yeah.”

“You really should take better care of it. Don’t you have that test tomorrow?”

“Yeah, but I know it all already. Besides, it’s not like a few crumbs are going to hurt it anyway.” Peter knows that Ben doesn’t, in fact, ‘know it all already,’ but he’s decided he’s not gonna be that person anymore, so he moves on.

“Anyway just- do something to cheer him up,” he says.

“Why do I have to do it?” Ben says skeptically.

“Because-” Peter stumbles. “Because you’re good at that. Just do some weird Ben thing.”

“Weird Ben thing…” Ben ponders. His face lights up. “Ok, on it.”

Three hours later, when Peter hears ukelele music coming from the bathroom, he knows exactly what’s happening. And for all Ben’s faults, he feels a rush of affection for his friend. So much so that he finds himself in the bathtub only a few minutes later, inches away from the person he has been trying so desperately to look out for, but also keep far, far away.

Chapter Text

The first time Pedro brings someone home, Balthazar’s immediate thought is, Oh, right. This is a thing that happens. He’s sitting at the breakfast table eating cereal when the two of them come out of Pedro’s room, and Pedro stops short when he sees Balthazar sitting there. He and Balthazar just stare at each other.

Finally, Pedro’s friend clears his throat. When it becomes obvious that Pedro isn’t going to say anything, he turns to Balthazar and sticks out his hand.

“Hey there,” he says. Balthazar gulps down a bite of cereal and shakes his hand. “I’m Kel. And you are?”

“That’s Balthazar,” Pedro says, regaining his ability to speak. “One of my roommates. We moved here from Auckland together.”

“Ah, Balthazar,” Kel says with a knowing smile.

“Uh yeah, nice to meet you,” Balthazar says. He wants to sink into the floor and become invisible. NOW.

There’s another awkward silence.

“Well, I guess I should get going,” Kel says, his eyes moving between the two boys. “Thanks for everything, Peter.”

“Right, yeah, no problem,” Pedro says. He shows him to the door, and Balthazar jumps out of his chair to throw his bowl into the sink and rush back to his room before Pedro comes back.

But Pedro is back before he can finish putting the bowl back in the cabinet. Darn him.

“Sorry about that,” he says sheepishly, leaning against the doorway.

“Nothing to be sorry for,” Balthazar says. “He seemed nice.”

“Uh, yeah, I guess,” Pedro says. “I don’t know, we just met at some bar last night. I don’t really know him that well.”

Balthazar just nods, because it feels like his tongue is glued to the roof of his mouth. Normally, now would be the time for some kind of witty remark, a remnant of the past banter he and Pedro used to be so good at. But that was then, and this is now, and Balthazar is…confused. And, as much as he hates to admit it, a little bit hurt.

“Right, yeah,” Balthazar says. Because he really doesn’t know what else to say. He expects Pedro to do something, say something, because it was HIS guest after all. But Pedro still says nothing, just stares at his shoes and picks absently at the sleeve of his shirt.

“Well, I-” Balthazar says, moving towards the door. “I better get back to studying.”

“Right, yeah, me too,” Pedro nods, and the two of them retreat to their rooms. Balthazar flops on his bed and stares at the ceiling. Damn it. This sucked.

Two months into the semester and it’s apparent that Pedro’s guest wasn’t a one-time occurrence. Balthazar gets used to seeing strange faces around the apartment, and he does his best to hide his discomfort and hurt. Freddie and Ben are less discreet about it, and Freddie especially seems unable to hide her resentment.

“They always use up the milk,” she grumbles at breakfast one morning while she nibbles on dry Weetabix. “The least they could do is stick to toast.”

Ben seems similarly perplexed.

“Something’s going on with him,” he says from the other side of the table, glancing suspiciously at Pedro’s door. “This is overly dramatic, even for him.”

“I really don’t think it’s any of our business, Ben,” Balthazar says. He’s only half-listening, really, his head bent over a textbook. He has a test in half an hour, and he feels like he’s going to fail, even though he’s been studying for the past 24 hours straight.

“Oookay, that’s enough,” Ben says, closing Balthazar’s textbook with a slam.

“Wh- Ben, hey, I was reading that!”

“You’ve been reading it for the past six hours, I’m fairly certain you have the entire thing memorized by now.”

“But I just need to make sure-”

“Ah ah ah,” Ben says, snatching the book away and holding it out of Balthazar’s reach. “No more studying. You need to relax, you’re gonna do fine.”

Balthazar doesn’t believe him. Ever since he started university he’s constantly felt behind. Like no matter how much he works, he’s never on top of things. And it’s starting to affect his life. He can’t remember the last time he picked up his guitar, and he doesn’t think he’s left the apartment in two days.

“Ben’s right,” Freddie chimes in from beside him. “You have the best grades in the flat, Stan. You’re gonna kill it.”

“Exactly,” Ben nods. “Now, are there any more waffles?”

Balthazar just groans and puts his head in his hands.

Balthazar first meets Kit at an open mic night at Navarre. Peter had told him it was happening, a gesture which is much appreciated, but also surprising. So far, Wellington Pedro has proved nothing like the Pedro of Auckland past. Balthazar knows he’s still struggling with the events of last year, but every time he tries to bring it up, Pedro just shrugs him off. It’s frustrating, and Balthazar feels like he can do nothing but sit back and watch the train wreck happen.

Plus, Balthazar has to admit that he can deal with the drinking. But the series of very public, one-night stands? Those hurt. Especially considering Balthazar knows that Pedro knows that Balthazar likes him.

When Pedro invites him out, he knows it’s an attempt to get him out of his room. It’s not a secret that everyone in the flat thinks Balthazar is mildly imploding over his grades, and to be fair, they aren’t exactly wrong. Plus, it’s a little bit flattering to know that they care. Kind of feels like old times, back at Messina High.

“Not that he has anything on you, but this guy’s pretty good,” Pedro says from behind the bar. He nods at the musician on stage, who’s sat on a stool with a guitar slung across his lap, singing a low and soulful melody. Balthazar swivels on the bar stool he’s sat on, sipping on his drink while he watches the show.

“Yeah, he is,” Balthazar says. “He might even, you know, be better than me.”

“Nah, impossible,” Pedro says, resting his elbows on the bar. “I bet you 20 bucks that you blow him out of the water when you get up there on stage.”

“20 bucks?” Balthazar laughs. “That’s all I’m worth to you?”

“I’d pay a million but, you know, we gotta keep you affordable for the masses.”

Balthazar blushes. This is weird, Pedro is almost like…well, like Pedro.

“Fair point,” Balthazar says, sipping at his drink again. “But also, I’m not going up there tonight, so I dunno how you’re gonna cash in on that bet.”

“What do you mean you aren’t going up there?”

“I’m not playing tonight. I didn’t sign up.”

“Well why not?”

“Hey, I thought this was just an invite to watch, not to play.”

“Well yeah, but…” Pedro is looking at him frustratedly for some reason. “I just thought, you know, you always seem happier, when you’re singing.” He blushes and looks down at his hands.

“Ah, so that’s what all this is about,” Balthazar laughs. “Trying to cheer me up, are we?” He raises his eyebrows.

“Well yeah,” Pedro says. “That was kinda the point.”

“Pedro, I’m fine,” Balthazar says. “Really, I don’t need cheering up.”

“Pedro?” a short girl with curly hair cuts into the conversation, plopping herself onto the stool beside Balthazar. “Since when do you go by Pedro?”

Pedro looks uncomfortable for a moment, and the silence stretches for long enough that the girl seems to recognize her intrusion. She looks at Balthazar and then back at Pedro, clearing her throat meaningfully.

“Ah, right, yeah, Balthazar, this is Jaquie, she works the night shift. Jaquie, this is Balthazar, my…flat-mate.”

Jaquie sticks out her hand.

“You’re not the one who talks about birds all the time, are you?”

Balthazar laughs.

“Nah, no, that’s Ben. I’m generally pretty bird agnostic.”

“Good,” Jaquie nods. “Because he sounds fairly ridiculous if I’m being honest.”

“He’s not that bad,” Pedro says, picking up Balth’s empty glass and depositing it in the sink behind him. No matter how much Pedro tries to avoid him, Balth knows the old Pedro is still in there, especially when he defends Ben. “He’s just…enthusiastic.”

“Uh huh, yeah, right,” Jaquie says, but Balthazar can tell she doesn’t really mean it.

“Anyway, Peter tells me you’re thinking of playing tonight. Did you get your name on the list?”

“Oh, no, I-”

“He’s really good,” Pedro nods. “I told him to write his name down but he’s being a butt about it.”

“Gee, thanks, Pedro,” Balthazar grumbles, and Pedro just gives him a look that says, well, you are, so what about it.

At the mention of the name ‘Pedro,’ Jaquie perks up again.

“Hey, you never answered my question, Pete. Since when do you go by Pedro?” Jaquie rolls the name around on her tongue exaggeratedly.

“Oh, uh..” Pedro rubs the back of his neck. “It’s just something people used to call me back in Auckland. You know, in high school.”

“Oh,” Jaquie says. “Do you want me to call you that? You should have said so.”

“No,” Pedro rushes. “No, I- I kinda hate the name Pedro to be honest. I was just waiting to drop it when I left high school.”

Balthazar immediately feels uncomfortable. What is Pedro doing, saying he hates the name that Balthazar had just openly called him? It makes Balthazar look like a complete asshole.

“Balthazar’s just getting used to it, you know, years and years of calling someone one thing, it’s a little hard to drop it.”

Pedro has been avoiding Balthazar’s gaze this whole time, but he finally looks at him.

“Isn’t that right, Balthy? It’s Peter now.”

Balthazar feels like he wants to die.

“Uh, yeah, sorry, right,” he chokes out. “Peter.”

Jaquie is looking between the two of them curiously, and Balthazar is staring deep into Pedro’s eyes, looking for a hint of regret, a little flicker of I’m sorry. But his face is carefully void of emotion, and all Balthazar can do is back down and look away.

“Ohhh-kay, glad that’s all cleared up,” Jaquie says after one too many uncomfortable seconds of silence. “Gin and tonic, Peter please, I’ve only got 30 minutes before I’m on the clock and I need something to soften the blow.”

Pedro gets to work on the drink, and Balthazar abruptly stands up.

“Uh, I’m gonna go, check out that list…for open mic,” he says.

“Oh, great!” Jaquie smiles. “It’s over there on the wall. Ask Kit for help, he’s the one who just finished singing.”

Balthazar nods in thanks and quickly moves away. He isn’t sure what’s just happened. Was this some sort of sign? Did Pedro really hate himself that much? So much that he couldn’t even let the people who cared about him, who LOVED him, call him Pedro anymore? And if he hated the old Pedro so much, what about all the people that came with him?

Before he knows it, Balthazar is standing in front of the list tacked to the wall.

“You ok, man?” It’s the singer who was just up on stage, the one Jaquie mentioned goes by Kit. Balthazar starts.

“Oh, yeah,” he says, running a hand through his hair. “Just…thinking of signing up.”

“You play?” The man sets his guitar in its stand by the wall.

“Yeah, a little,” Balthazar says. “Well, a lot, really. Been meaning to get into the scene here in Wellington for a while.”

“Well great!” Kit says, rubbing his hands together. “Let’s get you signed up then.”

“I- actually, I think I might hold off until next week,” Balthazar stutters awkwardly. “Just not really…not really feeling it tonight.” His gaze drifts over to Peter and Jaquie, who are laughing together over the bar.

Kit follows his gaze and looks back at Balthazar with a dawning look of knowing on his face.

“You wanna grab a coffee?” he says softly. “I happen to make a mean cuppa at Boyet’s. I know it’s late, but I have the key.”

Balthazar looks at him in surprise. Because actually, a coffee sounds pretty fucking fantastic.

“Uh, yeah,” he says. “Yeah, that would be great.”

“What do you mean I have to call you Peter?” Ben says exasperatedly. “That’s NOT your name.”

“Uh, except for the fact that, yeah, it is,” Pedro says heatedly from across the room. Balthazar is once again trying to study at the kitchen table, and only because Pedro and Ben had come and asked him too. Otherwise, he would have been safely in his room when all hell broke loose.

“Can you just quit it with all this…this..” Ben gestures wildly with his hands.

“This what?” Pedro glowers.

“You know, THIS,” now Ben just gestures to all of Pedro. “The drinking, and the sulking, and the loud make-out sessions in the living room. I dunno what’s going on with you but can you just snap out of it already? I miss my normal, not-so-dramatic friend Pedro.”

“I told you, it’s Peter,” Pedro says through gritted teeth.

To some extent, this moment was to be expected. Balthazar has noticed Ben’s needling getting on Pedro’s nerves more and more each day, sinking its way farther and farther under his skin. So in some ways, it was inevitable. But did it have to be today, of all days? Right before their final exams?

“Guys, please,” Balthazar groans from the table. “Can we just save this for next week? I still have three more chapters to read and I haven’t even started on my essay for my English Lit class yet.”

“Oh yeah, let me just move my identity around to fit your study schedule, Balthazar,” Pedro jabs, and Balthazar shrinks back. Because, well, ow.

“Hey, don’t yell at Balthy,” Ben says. “See, this is what I’m talking about, since when are you mean to BALTHAZAR? Something is really, really wrong with you.”

Pedro looks momentarily thrown off, but he regains his composure quickly.

“It’s only because YOU won’t stop being a dick about everything. Constantly in my face, oh, Pedro, I miss you Pedro, you never hang out with us anymore Pedro. God, you really do sound like my bitch.”

“HEY,” Ben yells. “That was uncalled for, Pedro Adrian Donaldson.”

“It’s. PETER.”

“Woah woah, you guys, what is going on out here?” Freddie comes out of the hallway from her room, blinking sleep out of her eyes. “I was trying to take a nap and you two nutters woke me up.”

“Pedro’s just being super extra again, what else is new.”

“Just because YOU can’t pass your classes doesn’t mean you have to take it out on me.”

“Wh- I can pass my classes!” Ben splutters.

“Hey, Peter, chill out bro,” Freddie says. “Ben’s just trying to help.”

“Oh really, Freddie? Like you’re any better. Always “where’s the milk? Why are Peter’s friends so loud? I can’t get my ten hours of beauty sleep.”

Freddie is fuming now.

“Hey, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a little respect. You’re lucky I even decided to let you live in my flat!”

“OUR flat," Ben pipes in.

"I SIGNED THE LEASE!"

“SHUT. UP!”

This time, it’s Balthazar. He’s standing up from the table now, hands on his head. The entire room goes quiet. Balthazar is staring at the table.

“I have three more exams this week. THREE. And I’m only halfway through this chapter. If I even have HALF a chance of getting an A in this class then I need to read at least a thousand more pages by 9am tomorrow, and even then I’ll still probably fail.” He has a dazed look on his face, a somewhat manic expression. His three flat-mates just stare at him.

“Uh, Balthy?” Ben finally says quietly. “You ok, mate?”

“I’m supposed to be doing better than this, I AM better than this. It’s not like English lit is that hard…why does it seem so hard? I’ll just re-read this chapter. No wait, I can’t remember what chapter I was on,” he starts flipping through the pages of his textbook frantically. “Maybe I should just start from the beginning. Yeah, New Beginning, ha, that’ll do the trick….” He’s mumbling frantically now, and Balthazar knows he sounds insane, but he can’t seem to stop, the words just keep falling out of his mouth.

“Pedro, do something,” Ben says out of the corner of his mouth, but Pedro just stands there looking dazed. He opens his mouth to speak, moves forward, and then firmly shuts it again, choosing to remain rooted where he stands.

“Come on, Balthy, just- just calm down, I’ll make you some tea, everything’ll be fine-” Ben says, moving towards him.

“NO, Ben,” Balthazar says, rubbing his eyes and staring at Ben with a look of desperation on his face. “It will NOT be fine. How could it be fine? I haven’t slept in three days because I’ve got so much work to do, my friends are all miles away from me at home, and I can’t even write MUSIC anymore, it all just comes out like garbage. And worst of all, no one will just LEAVE ME ALONE.”

Suddenly, Balthazar turns for his room, storming inside and intending to slam the door, but settling for a firm shut instead, because this is Balthazar we’re talking about, after all.

He collapses on his bed, and it’s then that the tears come. Hot and fast, like Balthazar hasn’t allowed them to since he got to university. Since he started getting overwhelmed. Since Pedro started bringing over ‘friends.’ Since he’d told him to call him ‘Peter.’

He’s been crying for a good five minutes when there’s a soft knock on the door.

“Go away,” he says weakly, because he really doesn’t want to talk to Pedro right now.

“We have tea,” he hears Ben’s muffled voice from the other side.

“And waffles!” This is Freddie.

Balthazar stares at the ceiling. The tears have finally stopped, and he can’t deny that waffles sound good. Even if he does want to avoid Pedro at all costs.

But when he opens the door, it’s just Ben and Freddie. Pedro’s door is firmly shut across the living room. Ben notices Balthazar’s glance.

“Pedro thought you needed space,” Ben says sheepishly. “But that’s just not really my style. Tea, on the other hand, is. You know, us Brits and all.”

“And my dad taught me that everything can be fixed with waffles,” Freddie smiles.

Balthazar just looks at them, a sudden rush of affection flooding through him for his two friends.

“Thanks, guys,” he says. “Tea does sound pretty good.”

“Yay!” Ben says, striding past Balthazar into the room and plopping down onto the bed. He pats the space next to him. “Put ‘er there, Stan the Man.”

“Ben, you are so weird.”

“Shut up, Freddie, I think it’s working.”

Balthazar finally sits down on the bed and takes a mug of tea from Ben. Ben looks at him excitedly, miming a sipping motion. Balthazar takes a drink.

“There, better?” Ben says, as if tea could solve everything. But Balthazar does actually feel better.

“Yeah, a little,” he says.

“I’m sorry that we yelled,” Ben says. “I knew you were stressed about your exams. I shouldn’t have chosen that moment to pick a fight.”

“It’s ok,” Balthazar mumbles. “It was probably an overreaction.”

“Eh, who cares?” Ben says. He looks at Balthazar. “Why didn’t you tell us you were having such a hard time?”

Balthazar cringes.

“I mean, I kinda thought you all already knew. What with the baths and the asking me to open mic nights, and the midnight waffles.”

“Well, yeah, but that still doesn’t mean you couldn’t have TALKED to us.”

Balthazar is quiet. He still doesn’t really feel like talking.

“I can help you with your work, Stan,” Freddie pipes in. “First year can be really overwhelming. Trust me, I know. Maybe we can work together, make a study plan? I made one last year that works pretty well for me.”

“And we can do some study groups!” Ben says. “Moral support always helps.”

“You just want a reason to talk instead of study, Ben,” Freddie says, and Ben sticks out his tongue at her.

“Not true,” he says. “I just want to help Balthazar.”

“Uh huh, sure,” Freddie says. She turns back to Balthazar “And you need to take breaks, Stan. Really. Maybe we need to instate a flat movie night or something, make everyone take a step back from the books every once and a while.”

“That’s a great idea!” Ben says. “Ooooh, we can watch Marlowe in love!”

“We’ll…decide on the specifics later,” Freddie winces.

Balthazar just looks at them.

“What about Peter?” he says, and Ben and Freddie glance at one another.

“PETER will just have to join for movie nights too,” Ben says, throwing an arm around Balthazar’s shoulder. “We all will.”

And Balthazar knows it isn’t going to happen, but he feels better all the same. Plus, he only has to survive a few more days and then he can go home. Thank God.

Chapter Text

Peter finds Balthazar in the kitchen the day after the big fight, when Balthazar’s exams are finally over. Peter is hungover. Again. But he’s also aware that, if he really does want to pass his classes this semester, he needs to do some real studying today. Thus, he’s awake at a much more reasonable hour than normal.

He hasn’t spoken to Balthazar since the previous day, when he simply stood in the middle of the room, paralyzed. It was hard to explain the emotions that had flown through his head at the time: the panic he’d felt seeing Balthazar so distressed, accompanied by an extreme unwillingness to act. On an emotional level, everything in him had been telling him to go to Balthazar, to do anything to help. But the logical part of him couldn’t let go of the idea that he would just make everything worse.

And so, he hadn’t done anything. He’d left it, once again, to Ben and to Freddie, and he’d retreated to his room like a coward. Because it was the right thing to do.

Now, standing in the kitchen with Balthazar, he’s becoming aware of the repercussions of this choice, as things between the two of them feel exceedingly awkward.

“Hey,” Peter says, standing in the doorway.

Balthazar turns around from the coffee pot, and a look of initial exhaustion passes over his face. He’s still wearing his pajamas, and his hair is doing that ridiculous thing it does in the mornings. The thing that causes that squirming feeling in Peter’s stomach that he refuses to acknowledge.

“Hey, Pete,” Balthazar says tiredly.

Peter cringes inwardly at the name change.

“How’d the test go?” he asks, carefully. He knows he should just let it go rather than bring up a reminder of the previous day, but he isn’t a COMPLETE asshole, and he doesn’t feel right leaving things the way they are.

“Fine yeah, thanks,” Balthazar nods. “I knew it would.”

Peter smiles, but Balthazar just continues to look down at his mug. There’s silence again, and Peter isn’t sure what else to say. Well really, there are many things he WANTS to say, but none of them feel right.

Finally, he sighs.

“I’m sorry we yelled, yesterday,” he says, running a hand through his hair. “Ben was just being, you know, Ben, and Freddie…”

“I know, yeah, it’s fine, Peter. No worries.”

The sound of Ben singing loudly in the shower wafts into the kitchen from the bathroom, but it isn’t enough to break the deafening silence that follows.

“Well, I better go finish packing,” Balthazar finally says, sitting his mug in the sink and starting for the door.

“Are you going somewhere?” Peter says, confused. He knows Balthazar is all done with his exams, but the semester doesn’t officially end for another week. He had assumed Balthazar wouldn’t be leaving until then, just like the rest of them.

“My mum’s coming to grab me this afternoon. I’m all done, so, figured there wasn’t much reason to stay.”

“Oh, right.”

"Yeah, just makes sense.”

“Uh huh, yeah, yeah, of course,” Peter stumbles.

“Anyway, I’ll see you around, Pete,” Balthazar says, sliding past Pedro to exit the kitchen.

“Yeah, right, I’ll see you around,” Peter says, but his words just echo through the kitchen, because Balthazar is already gone.

Peter doesn’t really want to go home for the mid-year break. There are too many bad memories back in Auckland, too many reminders of the person he’s trying so hard not to be. But his parents insist on his return, so he sucks it up and heads home for the holidays, winding up right back where it all began. He lies on his bed and tries to forget the hours he spent in his room last year, goofing off with Ben or listening to music with Balthazar. It’s easier said than done.

John isn’t there when Peter first gets home. He and Peter’s relationship has been much better since John returned, but Peter won’t deny that he’s not exactly looking forward to seeing him. John knows too much…about everything. Every time he looks at him Peter feels like John is gazing deep into his soul, like he’s in on some secret Peter hadn’t exactly agreed to share. It’s hard to ignore everything he is when he’s back around the people that know him so well.

But alas, John finds him in his room later that day, settling down in Peter’s desk chair while Peter looks up from the book he’s currently reading on his bed.

“What do you want?” Peter says, not altogether nicely. He’s trying to toe the line between brotherly affection and genuine annoyance, and he isn’t sure he succeeds.

“You look like shit,” John says, and only John could manage to sound frustratingly elegant when making such a brazen statement.

“Excuse me?” Peter replies.

“Sorry, what I MEANT was, you bear an uncanny resemblance to shit right now.”

Peter rolls his eyes.

“Wow, thanks, man. It’s nice to see you, too.”

“Just saying,” John shrugs, leaning back in his chair. “I thought university would be treating you better. You know, freedom and new beginnings and what-not.”

“It’s treating me fine,” Peter says, looking down at his book. “I’m having fun.”

“Right, yeah. FUN,” John says.

“What do you even want anyway?” Peter finally sighs.

“To say hello to my brother. Is that such a crime?”

“It is when you have an ulterior motive, which I’m fairly certain you do,” Peter says, narrowing his eyes.

“No motive, just curious about university life, is all,” John shrugs.

“Why? So you can finally be the good son, while mom and dad get to find out what a fuck up I am?”

“No,” John says. “Although…that is a nice perk.”

Peter knows that he’s joking, but it still hurts, just a little. He just glares at John resentfully.

“How’s Balthazar?” John says.

“John,” Peter warns through gritted teeth.

“What, I can’t ask about how your friends are?”

“You can when you’re not trying to prove a point.”

“What point? I don’t have a point.”

“Balthazar’s fine,” Peter says.

“Really? Because last time I talked to him, he sounded a little stressed.”

“Since when do you talk to Balthazar?” Peter is alarmed. He didn’t realize that Balthazar and John were in contact, and he’s not sure how he feels about this prospect.

“Oh, you know, we keep in touch.”

“John,” Peter says, putting his hands on his head and looking at John exasperatedly. “What do you want from me?”

John just looks at him.

“I just want to know what you’re doing.”

“What do you mean?” Peter says, frustratedly.

“Well, it SEEMS like you’re pulling a John Donaldson move.”

“I don’t even know what that means.”

“It MEANS that you’re about to ruin everything you have, if you don’t pull back on this whole, self-redemption arc or whatever.”

Peter just looks at him. He can't believe he's sitting here getting advice from John, of all people, on how to treat his friends.

“Well luckily, that’s impossible, because I already DID lose everything,” Peter finally says.

“You’re such an idiot,” John sighs. He stands up from his chair. “All I’m saying is, just chill out. You’re self-sabotaging.”

He walks towards the door but turns back around before leaving.

“Oh, also, dad says to tell you that dinner’s ready.”

Peter just groans and flops back on his bed, covering his face with his hands.

When they get back to Wellington after the break, things are definitely… different. While Balthazar had seemed somewhat removed during the previous semester on account of his stress over school, now he is purposefully distant, and specifically from Peter. Well, Peter takes that back. He isn’t COMPLETELY distant. He still checks up on Peter when he’s drunk too much (which Peter finds so horribly sweet he feels like crying whenever he finds a glass of water by his side in the morning). But for the most part, he and Balthazar don’t interact much beyond the moments when Peter is unconscious.

All in all, Peter thinks this is a good thing – in fact, it’s sort of what he’s been aiming for this whole time. But it still stings. The only time Peter really sees Balthazar is for newly instated flat movie nights and study sessions, which Peter really only attends half of the time.

Peter often feels like he’s warring with himself. On the one hand, he misses Balthazar (a lot). But he still assumes that any attempt to get close to Balthazar again will just result in Balthazar feeling even more hurt. So Peter's also happy, in some weird, grim way: his plans to push Balthazar away have finally worked. It’s what he wanted. This is just one less person depending on him.

From: Balthazar

Getting ready to watch a movie. You in? We’ve got popcorn.

Peter stares at the message on his phone. He’s thinking about its subtext. The fact that he’s sitting in the room right across from his flat-mates, but apparently no one feels comfortable enough to come knock on his door and invite him in person. Not even Balthazar, who had always been his last bastion of connection.

This is a victory, Pedro, he tells himself. Isn’t this what you’ve been wanting all along? To make Balthazar so uncomfortable he won’t even talk to you?  He cringes. It sounds awful in his head. And then he curses himself for thinking that it does.

His phone buzzes again, and he jumps.

From: Ben

I told him to come get you in person! Sorry, he’s being a weirdo.

Peter stares at his phone again. There’s a part of him that wants it. Watching a movie with friends. It sounds…nice, actually. Much better than sitting alone in the dark in his room. But then he catches a glimpse of the empty beer bottle on his dresser and glowers. He doesn’t deserve friends right now. Going in there will only make them think he cares. And who is he to get their hopes up?

He goes back to the Youtube video he is currently watching on his computer. This is fine, he thinks. I’m doing just fine. But then he hears laughing from next door, and he can’t help but pause his video to listen. He thinks he hears Balthazar’s soft chuckle, and before he knows it, he’s standing up and opening Ben’s bedroom door.

“A text, Balthazar? Really?” he says, with more force than he knows is necessary. Balthazar’s startled “hey,” makes him sad. “You could’ve just come and asked me in person.”

“That’s what I said,” Ben responds, and Peter purposely avoids his gaze.

Apparently, they’re talking about names. Peter stares at his phone while Ben and Freddie argue about whether Balthazar should go by Balthazar or Stanley, and Peter pretends that he doesn’t hope Balthazar is staring at the back of his head. He’s always found it strange to hear Freddie call Balthazar ‘Stanley,’ has never gotten used to it since that first day he’d blindly followed Peter and introduced himself that way. It sounds like a whole different person. But to be fair, Balthazar is basically a whole different person to him right now.

“I really don’t care what you guys call me,” he hears Balthazar say from behind him. “Either one is fine.”

And before he can stop himself, Peter’s somehow responding.

“You suit Balthazar though,” he says. “I’ve always liked Balthazar.”

“I’ve always liked Pedro.”

And Peter thinks that this perfectly sums up the problem.

Peter’s eyes squint open against the light. His head is pounding once again. Ugh. Morning. Glancing at the clock, he rolls over onto his back and takes a deep breath.

The soft sound of a ukelele floats into his room from outside. Fuck. Is that what woke him up? His insides squirm uncomfortably, and he lays there staring at the ceiling, listening to Balth’s soft serenade for a few minutes.

The tinkling sound finally fades, and Peter hears shuffling in the kitchen. He knows it’s Balthazar making coffee, purposefully leaving extra for when Peter inevitably wakes up with a hangover. He can’t help but notice, ashamedly, that it’s 9:30, 30 minutes before his first class of the day. Balthazar was trying to wake him up.

Sighing, he sits up in bed, cringing at his headache. He stares at his clock. He isn’t going outside. Balth can make him all the coffee he wants, but no, Peter’s not gonna fuel this horrible habit Balthazar has developed of trying to take care of him. But then he groans and puts his head in his hands.

Fuck. When it comes to Balthazar Jones, he is so in over his head.

Balthazar turns around at the sound of Pete’s door. His hair is still ruffled from the night before, and his sleeves are pulled down over his hands while he sips at his cup of coffee. Peter tries not to look at him as he edges toward the coffee maker.

“Morning,” he grumbles.

“Morning, Pete,” Balthazar says softly. “You ready for class today?”

Peter can’t help but notice Balth’s purposeful avoidance of Peter’s obvious hungover state, or his slightly inconvenient tendency to be so NICE all the time. It only makes him feel 1000x worse.

“Yeah, about that,” he says, forcing down a sip of coffee. It burns his throat. “I don’t think I’m really up for it today.”

Balthazar turns toward the sink to wash his cup out.

“Really? I thought you were excited about the Marlowe lecture.”

“I think you’re confusing me with Ben,” Peter points out. “He’s the one obsessed with Elizabethan literature.”

“Did someone say Marlow?” At this point, Ben himself barges into the kitchen, and Peter winces at the sound.

“Yo, cool it with the high energy, would you?” he groans, rubbing at his face. “It’s way too early for that kind of enthusiasm.”

“Come on, Peter,” Ben goads, throwing an arm around his shoulder. “It’s possibly the best, and only day of school I’m really going to enjoy. Don’t you wanna be a part of that special occasion?” Peter side-eyes him incredulously.

“Miraculously, no, that doesn’t sound that interesting to me,” he says, purposefully plucking Ben’s arm off of his shoulder. Ben’s face falls.

“Well, I for one cannot wait to get a load of what the professor has to say,” he says happily, but Peter gets the sense that he’s lying. He knows Ben has been struggling with school. Not that he’s really listening that hard, but at this point, it’s kind of hard to ignore. Especially since Ben’s flashcards end up in all sorts of weird places in the apartment. Peter even found one in his bed one time.

Balthazar has been frustratingly quiet this whole time. The only reason Peter even got up in the first place was to talk to him one-on-one: something that is increasingly hard to come by, considering how much time he spends inside his room. Instead, he’s standing here getting an earful from Ben. If this was what was going to go down, he wouldn’t even have bothered coming out of his room.

“If you guys are ready to go, I’ll walk with you,” Balthazar throws out casually, moving to put his mug away.

“I didn’t realize you had class,” Peter frowns. He thought he knew Balthazar’s schedule at heart by this point, and it was notoriously empty at this time on a Wednesday.

“I don’t,” Balthazar replies. “But I have work in like an hour anyway. And besides, I could use the walk.”

“Yay, extra Balthy for everyone!” Ben claps, and Peter just stands there and stares. “Lemme go grab my stuff.”

He rushes from the kitchen, and then it’s just Peter and Balthazar again.

“You didn’t have to do that, you know,” Peter says, staring at the ground.

“Do what?” Peter can’t really tell, because he’s looking at the floor, but he gets the sense that Balthazar is similarly avoiding his gaze.

“You know,” Peter says. “Say you're gonna walk with us just to get me go to class. I’m a grown-up. I can do it myself.”

Peter hates himself for it. And then he hates himself for hating himself for it. God damn, why can’t he just stick to his own rules?

Balthazar, the saint that he is, seems to brush it off. He walks towards the doorway.

“Well it’s a good thing I just like to walk,” he says simply on his way out, and Peter is left standing by himself. 

Chapter Text

“I can’t believe you’re actually here, in Wellington,” Balthazar says, setting a box down on the floor of Rosa’s new flat. He’d volunteered to help her move in that weekend. Anything to get out of the flat, really, but also because he’s extremely excited to have his sister here. A little piece of home sounds especially good right now.

“I know,” Rosa says, setting her own box down in front of her. “I have to say, it’s pretty weird, settling into one place after traveling for so long.”

“You’ll love it here,” Balthazar says. “There’s plenty to do. Plus, the music scene is pretty great.”

“So I hear,” she smiles.

Balthazar takes a look around the flat while Rosa heads into the kitchen to start unpacking a box. Her new apartment is nice. Cozy, even. She’s living with a few roommates, but unlike Balthazar, she hadn’t known them ahead of time. Balthazar wishes he had been so wise when he first moved to Wellington. Living with friends has turned out to be much more complicated than he thought. Well, really, it's just as complicated as he had been afraid it might be.

“So when do I get to see your place?” Rosa says from the kitchen, and Balthazar walks over to help her put some glasses away in the cabinet.

“Oh, uh..” Balthazar stalls. He hadn’t really thought about the possibility of Rosa coming over. He was way more excited about having a place that was NOT his flat to hang out.

“Whenever you want, I guess,” he says.

Rosa breaks down the box she has just finished emptying and shoves it down into a trash bag.

“Who all are you living with again? Someone from high school, right?”

“Yeah, Ben,” Balthazar says. “And someone named Freddie, one of Ben’s childhood friends.”

“Just two?” Rosa says, looking at him. “I thought there were four of you?”

“Nope, just two,” Balthazar says, moving on to rip open another box.

“Right,” Rosa says. She looks skeptical but lets it go, choosing to tackle another box instead.

“Well I hope you plan on being more communicative now that I’m here, Balthy,” she says. “I was shocked and appalled to have you cancel so many Skype calls on me in the fall.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry about that,” Balthazar says sheepishly. “Just...got really busy with school and all.”

“Right, right,” she says. Balthazar can tell she doesn't really believe him, and she's not making any effort to hide it. He loves his sister, but he also hates how perceptive she is. It makes it much harder to avoid talking about things.

Rosa stops unpacking the box and looks at him.

“You know mom and dad told me to look out for you while I’m here, right?” she says.

“Ah yeah, mom and dad, always worrying about something…”

“You and I both know that that is not our parent’s style at all,” Rosa says, crossing her arms and leaning back against the countertop.

“I guess not…” Balthazar mumbles.

Rosa looks at him, a soft look in her eye.

“You’re gonna have to tell me what’s going on here eventually, Balthy,” she says, putting a hand on his arm.

Balthazar feels a squirming feeling in his stomach at her touch.

“I’m all good,” Balthazar says. “Just...happy to have my sister here is all.”

Rosa looks at him and smiles.

“Happy to be here too.” 

“You still haven’t signed up for an open mic night yet,” Kit says to Balthazar one afternoon. The two of them have gotten closer since they were introduced last semester, and Balthazar often stops by during Kit’s shifts at Boyet’s to study at one of the café’s tables. Their friendship works well: Kit is the most chill person Balthazar has ever met, and Balthazar…well, normally, he is also quite chill. But now? He's far from it. He’s benefitted from Kit’s laid back attitude, and he appreciates Kit’s gentle attempts to cheer him up. For some reason, they feel less loaded and more genuine than the ones from his flatmates. Something to do with less history or baggage or whatever you wanna call it, Balthazar really doesn’t know (or frankly, care).

Kit is currently on his lunch break, and he’s joined Balthazar at his table with two sandwiches in hand.

“Oh, uh..yeah, I guess I haven’t,” Balthazar’s face goes red. It’s true that he still hasn’t performed, never actually brought himself to put his name down on the list after that night with Peter and Jaquie so many weeks ago.

“So…?” Kit takes a bite of his sandwich. “What’s that about, then?”

“Oh, I dunno, I just…don’t have anything to sing, I guess.” Balthazar fidgets with his sleeve.

“Uh huh, sure, sure,” Kit says amicably, but he’s looking at Balthazar with a knowing smile on his face.

“Well, nothing new at least,” Balthazar mumbles.

“Sing something old, then.”

“I don’t know…”

“You told me you want to get into the scene here in Wellington,” Kit says. “I hate to break it to you man but that might require some singing.”

“It’s just that…Peter works there,” Balthazar says sheepishly.

“Peter also lives in your flat,” Kit points out.

“Well yeah but I don’t…I don’t sing in front of him or anything.” It’s amazing how different things are now. Only a few months ago, singing in front of Peter was his favorite thing in the world. He had always loved having Peter’s attention on him, privately basked in his praise. Peter was his number one fan, and what kind of rock star didn’t want to sing for their most devoted admirer?

Kit lets the subject drop without any further inquiry, something that makes Balthazar like him even more.

“Ok, well,” he says. “How about a different bar? Different mic night?”

“I don’t know,” Balthazar sighs. “All my songs…I write what I know, what I’m feeling. All the ones I’ve written recently are super depressing. They’re too personal. What if someone I knew were to hear them?”

“Maybe it would help, though,” Kit says, his mouth full of sandwich. “You know, just getting it all out there.”

“Maybe…”

“Balthazar?” Balthazar looks up. It’s Freddie, standing in front of their table with a backpack slung over her shoulder. She’s staring at him and Kit awkwardly.

“Oh, uh, hey, Freddie,” Balthazar says, flustered, and wondering how much of his conversation with Kit she overheard. “What’s up?”

“Oh, just- you know, I was just- just studying, thought I’d come in and grab my usual cup of coffee.” She looks incredibly uncomfortable, and Balthazar notices how she keeps staring at Kit. Kit, meanwhile, has just leaned back in his chair, smiling at her.

“Ah yeah, nice,” Balthazar nods.

“You…wanna introduce us, Balthazar?” Kit says, still smiling at Freddie.

“Oh yeah, Freddie this is Kit, Kit this is Freddie, one of my flat-mates.”

“Kit, yeah, hi,” Freddie says, and Balthazar swears he sees her blush, which he honestly didn’t think was possible. It looks nice on her actually. She’s always so tough and business-like, it’s nice to see this different side of her.

“The pleasure is all mine,” Kit says, smirking at her.

“Well, uh-” Freddie says. “I better…go get to studying-.”

“And I better get back to my shift,” Kit says, standing up. “The usual?” he says to Freddie, and she just nods mutely.

Balthazar isn’t sure what just happened, but he’s left sitting at the table, eating his sandwich alone.

“Hey,” Peter says, sitting down at the table across from Balthazar, where Balthazar is currently shoveling cereal into his mouth. Balthazar looks up at him, surprised. When he’d knocked on Peter’s door to wake him up for class, he wasn’t really expecting this level of engagement. In fact, he hadn’t expected him to get up at all.

“Yeah, Pete?”

“You don’t, by any chance, watch Ben’s videos, do you?”

Balthazar stops chewing, uncertain where this is going.

“Oh what, you mean the vlogs?”

“Yeah, the ones he’s supposedly started filming again for whatever reason.”

Balthazar knows about the vlogs of course. He’s already found cameras hidden in various spaces around his room more times than he can count.

“Nah, didn’t figure there was much point. It’s not like he ever got around to putting those videos up of us in the bath either.”

Peter looks at him pointedly.

“Ah shit, I knew I never should have sat down in that bath.”

“You’re telling me,” Peter says under his breath. Balthazar resumes his eating. It’s weird, having Peter here. At the breakfast table. With him. He’s hardly ever awake at this time.

“So… are they any good?” Balthazar continues.

“Good?”

“Yeah, I mean, like, is he actually as good at it as he thinks he is?”

Peter laughs, not altogether nicely.

“He’s definitely…Ben.” he shrugs, and Balthazar grins.

“As only he could be.”

“I just thought I should tell you…you know. He sort of, talks about us…in his most recent video.”

Balthazar is suddenly extremely uncomfortable.

“What do you mean?”

“Balthy,” Peter says, and it’s soft. He doesn’t need to say anymore.

“Great,” Balthazar mutters down into his cereal bowl.

“I think we should just play it off. You know, agree to just ignore it if he brings it up.”

“That’s never really worked with Ben before though,” Balthazar points out glumly.

“Yeah but this time it will,” he promises. “It’s two against one anyway.”

“I guess so,” Balthazar stands up and goes into the kitchen to wash his bowl. He fully expects Peter to be gone by the time he gets back from the kitchen, but he’s still sitting there, just fiddling with his phone.

“Pete?” He says. Peter looks up at him.

“Yeah?” 

"Why ARE you watching the videos?”

Peter hesitates, but then he just shrugs.

“Why not?”

Balthazar watches the video. Of course he does. And then he re-watches the video from last year – something he purposefully hasn’t done in months. It’s a video he’s come back to many times, especially in moments of uncertainty, when Peter had seemed like he might be re-interested in pursuing something with Balthazar. Now, it’s almost like Balthazar has confirmation: if Ben and Freddie could both sense that something had happened that night at the apology party, then it wasn’t all in Balthazar’s head. Or at least, it wasn’t just Balthazar who had THOUGHT Peter had made a move, even if Peter hadn’t intended to.

And what if he had intended to? That was originally what Balthazar had thought, of course. Back when Peter had first come over to his house to apologize for missing Balthazar's gig. But in the months that had followed, and especially after moving into the flat, Balthazar’s certainty has waned. Because as much as Balthazar hates to admit it, his crush on Peter is practically public knowledge. And if Peter really did know that and had indeed intended to make a move, then he wouldn’t be doing…well, what he was doing now. He would know that it would hurt Balthazar, right?

And the thing is, Balthazar is pretty sure that he did mean to make a move. But what he doesn’t understand is what has happened since then. Why did Peter agree to live with him but then decide to be so…public with his lack of interest? Because now that he can see it from Ben and Freddie’s perspective, it does seem pretty fucked up. He and Peter’s relationship in general, that is. Balthazar watches himself taking care of Peter, a Peter who continues to be distant and inconsiderate of Balthazar’s feelings, and he realizes how unhealthy it’s all become. For a moment, just a moment - he thinks about moving out.

But even still…Balthazar can’t. He just can’t. And he hates it about himself. But Peter isn’t the only thing going on in his life that’s causing him stress, and a part of him still finds comfort in the flat, comfort in having friends from Wellington in his life, comfort from having Peter around. Because deep down, he really does believe that if he really needed anything, Peter would be there. At least, that’s what he chooses to believe.

Balthazar picks up his ukulele. Fiddles with it. Yeah, that feels nice.

Maybe Kit was right, he thinks. Maybe getting it all out there would help. Then at least it wouldn't feel like his friends were always prying into his private life. It would be obvious to everyone. No more pretending like everything was ok. Everyone (Peter) would know that he was hurting, and everyone (Peter) would think twice before doing anything to make it worse. Or at least, that was the hope.

From: Balthazar

I wrote a song.

Well, I wrote it a while ago.

But I think I wanna perform it.

From: Paige

Really??? That’s great, Balthy!!

From: Balthazar

I think I’m gonna post it to Youtube.

From: Paige

!!!!! 😮 🎉 🎉

Do you need help filming?

From: Balthazar

No, I think this time, I need to do it myself.

Chapter Text

Peter will admit that when the first video goes up on Ben’s channel, he isn’t entirely aware that it’s happening. He vaguely remembers Ben asking him for the password and snorting out something sassy about how the channel was basically Balthazar’s, but beyond that, he doesn’t actually realize anything is being actively uploaded until he catches Ben with a camera in the fruit bowl. 

By the time he watches Returns, it’s not really because he gives half a shit about what gets uploaded about himself. It’s more that he’s put two and two together and realized that if HE’S finding cameras in the fruit bowl, then that means Balthazar and Freddie must be too.

He speeds through the parts of the first video about Ben and the part where he himself comes hurtling into the room, and sure enough, he’s only two videos in before he finds what he’s looking for: Balthazar. 

Balthazar at his desk. Balthazar picking up his laundry. Balthazar plucking away at his ukulele. Peter watches that a second time. Just to be thorough.

It’s Balthazar all right, and as far as Peter can tell, it’s Balthazar as he’s always been: calm, collected, and (frustratingly) adorable. 

Peter sighs and sits back in his chair. While vlogging certainly isn’t his idea of a good time, this is a small, unexpected perk. Both for the reason that he almost never sees enough of Balthazar anymore, and because this fact is making it increasingly hard to keep an eye on him.

Peter can admit that most days, he really has no idea what’s going on with anyone in the flat. And he doesn’t really care. But as hard as he might try, he can’t help but be AWARE of Balthazar. It’s so ingrained from high school that he can’t shake it. And as soon as you start paying any sort of attention to Balthazar, it becomes pretty clear that he’s still pretty unhappy.

A decent part of that has to do with him, Peter knows. Which, to be honest, was kind of his intention. He doesn’t want to get Balth’s hopes up. Not now. Not when Peter feels like he would inevitably let Balthazar down. 

But there’s something more there too. Peter had seen it in the way he stopped coming out of his room, stopped fiddling with his guitar. There’s a part of him that is annoyed at Ben and Freddie. This is exactly what he didn’t want. The whole point of coming to Wellington was that he wouldn’t have to be responsible for anyone. So why weren’t they doing anything? Weren’t they paying any attention at all?

When Balthazar posts Running Mad, the pull is too strong for Peter to resist. Here Balthazar is, obviously suffering and posting about it for all the world to see, and it's clear that no one is really DOING anything. The time has come for him to take things into his own hands, as much as he wants to leave that part of himself behind.

“You need help with that?” he asks Balthazar one day when he’s sitting at the kitchen table. Balthazar looks up at him. From the looks of it, he's working on some kind of essay. Again. Peter really doesn't know how it's possible for any person to have written as many essays as Balthazar surely has this year.

“Oh, nah, it’s ok...” he says. “I’ve got it.”

“You sure?”

Balthazar hesitates for a moment, but then he sighs.

“It’s just this essay we have to write for history,” he says. “My notes aren’t as good as I thought they were, and the section on the indigo trade is currently severely lacking in information.”

“I can help,” Peter offers. Wow, it's been a long time since he's heard himself say anything like that. 

“You really...don’t have to do that, Pete,” Balthazar says, and is Peter imagining it, or does Balthazar sound like he really doesn't want him, specifically him, to help? “Besides, you aren’t even taking this class.”

“Yeah, but…I probably remember some stuff from high school,” Peter says sheepishly. Balthazar looks at him doubtfully.

“Wow, think a lot of yourself, don’t you,” he smirks, and Peter’s heart speeds up. He hasn’t seen Balthazar look at him like that in ages.

“Well, I WAS pretty good at history,” Peter shrugs. “There’s no denying it, really.”

Balthazar just shakes his head and looks back at his essay, but Peter notices that his smile doesn't totally fade away.

“What about Ben?” Peter asks. “Isn’t he in this class too? He probably has notes.” 

“Yeahhhh I dunno,” Balthazar says. “Ben doesn’t exactly…like history very much. Not sure his notes would be that helpful.”

“I’ll text him,” Peter says. It's wishful thinking, the idea that Ben actually has anything that resembles notes at all, but it's better than nothing.

From: Pedro

Yo, do you have notes from your history lecture? Balth needs to borrow them.

From: Ben

Ooooh, helping Balthazar with homework, are we?

From: Pedro

Just shut up and tell me where the notes are.

From: Ben

Next to my bed, in the pile on the floor.

From: Pedro

On the floor? Really, Ben?

From: Ben

What? I followed your advice and took notes, what more do you want from me?

“He says his notes are in his room, next to his bed,” Peter says, and Balthazar nods gratefully.

“Sweet, I’ll go grab them.”

Balthazar heads to Ben’s room, and Peter sneaks a look at his essay. It’s ten pages long and minutely detailed. Peter sighs. Balthazar is still obviously overdoing it with the schoolwork. 

He needs to take a break, get out of the flat, Peter thinks. But how? Once upon a time Peter might have invited him out, but now...he isn’t sure Balthazar would agree. He knows he likes walks, but a walk with Peter? That seems unlikely.

Finally, he resolves to just invite him to town. There’s music in town, and you can’t go wrong with that. Plus, Peter feels comfortable in town, so it won’t seem out of the blue or weird if Peter asks Balthazar to go there. And most importantly, it won't sound like a date.

He spends a minute or two hyping himself up and then catapults himself into Ben’s room. By the time Balthazar agrees to join him in town, he’s feeling pretty happy with himself, even if Ben and Freddie are now a part of the deal. So happy, in fact, that he doesn’t even care that Ben’s camera was filming the entire time. 

Five minutes after the flat meeting ends, Peter is fuming. Not just because he thinks the rules are stupid (which he really really does), but because he feels like Ben and Freddie sneakily got the best of him timing wise. He knew they’d been wanting to confront him for ages, but instead they had waited, oh so patiently, until they could use his one, unfortunate weakness against him. Balthazar. 

Ben had to know that Peter had woken up the morning after their night out feeling like shit. For one, he had a vicious hangover, which honestly wasn’t anything new. But he also remembered yelling. Yelling that had seemed important at the time. Yelling that was meant to push Balth away, for his own sake. Yelling that, Peter hated to admit, he was terrified might have succeeded. 

By the time he got back from his audition for Faustus, he’d already decided on making things right. In this vulnerable state, when making up with Balthazar was really the only thing on his mind, he had seen the rules as an opportunity to make Balthazar happy. He knew that Balthazar hated his drinking (he’d made that much obvious last night), and when he saw how excited he was about vegan Fridays, Peter couldn’t resist.

But now he had these stupid rules. Great. 

When Peter leaves his room later that evening, he has every intention of staying out late, a big fuck you to Ben and Freddie. But when he opens his door, there’s Balthazar sitting at the living room table, head bent over (the same?) essay. 

Peter is so surprised that he stops in his tracks. He knows he should leave. He already made things right with the rules. But fuck. He is so in over his head when it comes to Balthazar Jones. So he sighs and sits down across from him.

“Look, Balth,” he says, running a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry about last night.”

Balthazar doesn’t even look up from his essay. “It’s fine, Pete,” he says. “We were both drunk anyway, it was really nothing.”

Peter just stares at him. Well, stares at the top of his head at least. Balthazar’s pen continues to move across the paper in front of him.  

“Well, yeah,” Peter says. “But, I still just want you to know that I’m sorry.”

Balthazar shrugs, his eyes still on his paper. 

“Ok, thanks,” he finally says.

Peter should leave now. This whole situation screams *too close*, and that is something he has been heavily avoiding for the past eight months, especially with Balthazar. He doesn’t want to be responsible for anyone right now, ANYTHING. So, if he were smart, he would stand up right now, accept Balthazar’s thanks, and move on with his day.

But unfortunately, Peter is stupid. Especially when it comes to Balthazar.

“Can things please not be weird between us?” Peter hears himself whine.

Now, Balthazar finally looks up.

“Who said anything was weird?”

“Me, right now. Because you seem weirdly into that piece of paper.”

Balthazar puts down his pen and sighs. “Pete, it really is ok. I promise. We’re all good. I just really need to finish this essay.”

“What essay?” Peter asks, desperate to keep Balthazar’s eyes on him and not on the paper in front of him.

“The one for Ben and I’s history class. It’s due at the end of this week.”

Peter looks genuinely confused. 

“The one about the medieval era? But you already finished that one, I just looked it over for you last week.”

“It’s still not right yet,” Balthazar grumbles, his eyes back on his paper. “I didn’t like the intro, I think it had too many words.”

Peter laughs.

“I really don’t think that’s a problem, man. Professors love words, it’s kinda their thing.”

Balthazar just keeps writing.

“Besides, I read it over and already told you it was great,” Peter says.

Still nothing.

“BALTH,” Peter says, and Balthazar finally looks up.

“What?” 

Peter can tell that Balthazar is really starting to get annoyed now. But luckily, an annoyed Balthazar still isn’t very scary.

“Not to, you know, be a downer, especially considering how FUN this conversation is,” Peter says sarcastically. “But do you remember last night, when you said my grades were “going out the “fucking” window?” He puts air quotes around Balthazar's statement from the previous night.

Balthazar cringes. 

“Uh, yeah, I might remember that.”

“Well, they aren’t. Going out the fucking window. My grades, that is,” Peter says meaningfully. He can tell Balthazar doesn’t really see his point. 

“Ok, well yeah, that’s...good, I guess.”

“I’m not telling you that to prove a point,” Peter says, rubbing a hand over his face. “I’m just saying…” he drops his hand and looks at Balthazar.

“Balthy, you know it’s possible to do school and still have a life, right?” He says it carefully, gently. 

Balthazar stares at him for a second, then rubs his face uncomfortably and looks back down at the table. 

“Yeah, I guess,” Balthazar finally says.

“You know that was my point, right? With the whole town thing?”

“Yeah, Pete, I get it,” Balthazar says finally.

“You sure? Because I still don’t really believe you.”

Balthazar slips his essay into a folder on the table.

“I guess I could maybe use a break,” he says, standing up from the table. “Maybe I'll go buy stuff for vegan Friday tomorrow. Happy now?”

“Very,” Peter smiles, standing up as well. “I’ll join you. I have to admit I’m a little bit terrified at what you might be serving us.” 

Peter isn't sure where this sudden initiation of contact is coming from, and Balthazar looks similarly surprised. But he recovers quickly, grabbing his keys and looking around for his sweater before he goes outside.

“Don’t worry, I won’t serve you guys cold tofu,” he says evilly, wiggling his eyebrows.

Peter laughs.

“Oh thank god, because honestly? I was actually pretty worried about that.”

Hero’s birthday is coming up, and Peter is trying to tell himself that it isn’t a "Big Deal." Bea sends all of the flatters a reminder two weeks before the special date, and she seems intent on making this birthday Hero’s best one yet.

“Listen up, losers,” she says over the phone. Ben has her on speaker, his phone sitting on the table where they all can hear. It’s the first “vegan Friday” under the newly instated rules, and Balthazar has made them all dinner. Peter, as promised, is present, and all four flat-mates are tucking in to what Peter can admit is a pretty darn delicious meal when Ben rushes off to answer his phone.

“Hero’s birthday is next Friday and you all better deliver,” Bea says.

“Oh yeah, that’s right!” Balthazar’s face lights up. Peter knows that he and Hero are close, and a part of him is happy that Balthazar is still in contact with someone from back home. Someone extra who is keeping an eye on him. “She told me she didn’t want anything big, but what did you have in mind, Bea?”

“I’m making a video. Everyone needs to record themselves telling her happy birthday and I’ll edit them all together later. Oh, and also, a gift would be nice.”

“Ooh, ooh, I already have so many ideas,” Ben says, squirming in his chair. “It’s definitely going to be something Dr. Who-related.”

“Who’s Hero again?” Freddie says quietly to Peter.

“Oh, she’s a friend from high school. Bea’s cousin.”

“Hero is not simply my cousin, nor is she just ‘a friend from high school,’ Beatrice scoffs from the other side of the phone. “Hero is the nicest, most incredible, hilarious and perfect human soul that ever did exist. Pedro isn’t doing her justice.”

“I didn’t mean-” Peter stammers. Hero has been a sensitive subject for him ever since last year, and he certainly doesn’t want it to look like he doesn’t care.

“I can sing her happy birthday,” Balthazar cuts in, and Peter can’t help but feel it’s for his own sake. “For the video, I mean.”

“That would be great, Balthy,” Beatrice says. “Work your mystical music magic.” 

“I’ll…just help you guys film,” Freddie says.

“Uh uh uh, everyone in the flat must participate,” Beatrice says. “I don’t make the rules.”

Freddie just stares at the phone, and Ben laughs.

“It’s fine, Freds, I’ll help you out.”

“Great, so we’re all clear on the plan then? Everyone is going to deliver?” Bea says, pointedly.

Peter can’t help but feel that this comment is directed at him.

“We got it, Bea,” he says, with a little extra heat. 

“Cool. Ben, call me later.”

“You betcha,” Ben says, hanging up and tucking back into his vegan entrée.

Peter spends the next two weeks agonizing over his video and accompanying gift. He feels like there’s a lot on the line this time, like he needs to prove something. On the day he plans to record his video, he dresses up nicely and rehearses the script he’s written out loud in his room. But after several attempts, he feels like giving up. It all just feels so…forced. Nothing feels right, nothing SOUNDS right. Everything is wrong.

He considers bailing out, just not sending anything. That would be most in line with the whole stand-offish vibe he’s got going on right now anyway. But no, there’s a part of Peter that feels compelled to do this, to FIX this. To try, one more time, to atone for his actions last year.

Finally, after much deliberation, he decides to do what is probably the stupidest option he has: go to Balthazar. Because, well, Balthazar is the expert on Hero after all. And as much as Peter hates to admit it, he’s also the expert on Peter.

“Balth?” he says quietly through Balthazar’s bedroom door. He’s realizing that despite the many times he has thought about knocking on this door over the last few months, this is the first time he’s actually gotten himself to do it. 

He hears shuffling inside the room, and then Balthazar is standing there in the doorframe looking at him in surprise.  

“Pete?” he says. “What’s going on?”

“I just…” Peter hesitates. Finally, he sighs.

“I need help with my video for Hero.”

Balthazar’s eyebrows crunch together.

“What do you mean?” he says. The two of them are still standing awkwardly in the doorway, and Peter fidgets uncomfortably with the bottom of his shirt.

“Every time I try to record something, it just comes out wrong.”

“Wrong how?” Balthazar asks.

“I don’t know…” Peter groans, running his hands over his face. “I just.. I need your help.”

Balthazar looks surprised for a moment, and it makes Peter a little bit sad. They used to go to each other for help all the time, and Balthazar’s expression makes him realize how different their relationship is now.

“Ok,” Balthazar says carefully. “Well, what do you have so far?”

Peter hands him a piece of paper, which he’s carefully written his script on. Balthazar glances it, reading it over quickly. Then, he looks up at Peter.

“Pete,” he says. “This is….” Then he stops, like he’s rethinking his words.

“Come here,” he says finally, and he motions for Peter to come into his room. Peter just stands there for a moment while Balthazar hurries over to his desk. He can’t remember the last time he was in Balthazar’s room. It must have been last semester, back at the very start of the year. He hasn’t been invited in since then, and Balthazar generally keeps his door closed.

Carefully, Peter steps inside. It’s hard to explain, but it feels like coming home, no matter how cliché that sounds. The instruments on the wall, the hoodie hanging over the chair, the half-eaten tub of hummus on the dresser…it’s so, well, BALTHAZAR. Peter is suddenly struck by how much he misses his friend, and he can’t do anything but just stand there for a moment, blinking at the space around him in wonder.

Balthazar is writing something furiously at his desk. When he turns around and sees Peter standing near the doorway, he lets out a soft chuckle.

“You can come all the way in, you know,” he says, motioning for Peter to sit down on his bed.

Peter isn’t sure he dares, but nevertheless, he perches gingerly on Balthazar's covers, like he's afraid of disturbing the general aura of the room.

Balthazar rolls his chair over to the bed and shows Peter the piece of paper, which is now covered in scratch marks and newly added text.

“I cut out all of the apologies,” he says. “And I also added a ‘happy birthday,’ because you kind of forgot to include that part.”

“Oh,” Peter says, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “Yeah, I guess that part is kind of important.”

Balthazar smiles at him, and Peter feels this great wave of relief flow through him. Balthazar understands, Balthazar knows what to do, Balthazar is…ugh, Balthazar is Balthazar. It’s like his brain is remembering everything there was that made him want to ask Balthazar outside all that time ago.

Balthazar, oblivious to the barrage of emotions flowing through Peter’s body, leans back in his desk chair.

“Just be yourself,” he says, shrugging. “Hero will like that.”

Peter is quiet for a moment.

“It’s just…being myself is what hurt her in the first place,” he says softly, staring down at his lap.

For a moment, there is nothing. But then Peter feels the bed move beside him, and there Balthazar is, sitting next to him, so close that Peter can feel the warmth of him, but not so close that they’re actually touching.

“Hero forgives you, Peter,” Balthazar says quietly, and Peter is suddenly afraid. This is too close, way too close to everything he’s been trying to avoid. He shouldn’t be here, he shouldn’t be doing this at all, and he certainly shouldn’t look at Balthazar right now, because he knows, can already see in his head the look that will be on his face. It’s a look that Peter can’t resist, a look that will make it too hard to do what’s right, to stay away.

But, as has been the case time and time again, he can’t resist. Not when his defenses are so low. So he looks up at Balthazar. And there he is: looking back at him softly, a giant smile on his face. Peter is suddenly remembering, remembering everything he had last year, remembering how much he loved being Pedro, remembering how exciting and terrifying it had felt to realize he was falling in love with the boy who sang him an ode. 

He swallows.

“I…”

“She does, Peter. You’re a good person. And you have to let it go.”

And for the first time ever, Peter actually hears it. He hears the words that Balthazar is saying, and he thinks…is it possible...that Balthazar might actually be right?

“I…I know,” he says, and he can’t believe it, but he thinks he might actually mean it.

Balthazar smiles at him.

“You want me to help you record it?” he says.

“No, no, I…I think I can do it,” Peter says, clearing his throat. He stands up from the bed, because as great as this has been, it’s a bit much to process all at once. “Thanks, Balthy, really.”

“It's no problem,” Balthazar says, still smiling gently at him.

Peter heads for the door, but turns around at the last second.

“Oh,” he says. “And about the gift…”

Balthazar looks at him curiously.

“I was thinking of getting Hero a gift certificate to that place. You know, the one she mentioned really liking when we were out that one time.”

A look of dawning recognition passes over Balthazar’s face, and he smiles again.

“I think that’s a great idea.”

“Yeah, but…it’s too much though, isn’t it? I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to overcompensate for something.”

Balthazar looks thoughtful for a moment.

“What if we split it?” he says. “Then it’s not so unreasonable of a gift. Unless you feel like that’ll be me taking credit for your gift.”

“No, yeah, I think that’s a good idea,” Peter says. He is vaguely aware of how it will look to his friends, his splitting a gift with Balthazar, but he waves the thought off quickly, because this solution fixes the most pressing matter at hand.

“And I...should probably write the note,” Balthazar says, and Peter nods vigorously.

“I think that is 100% the best way to go,” he laughs.

Chapter Text

“That looks good,” Peter says, plopping into the chair across from Balthazar. He’s referencing the cheese toastie on Balthazar’s plate, which Balthazar had just been about to dig into. On his own plate he has only toast, and he’s wearing dark sunglasses. Balthazar assumes he’s hungover.

“Seems particularly lacking in hummus, though…” Peter says teasingly. Hungover, but in good spirits, apparently. Balthazar looks momentarily afraid, but Peter just puts out a hand.

“I’m kidding,” he says. “Your secret is safe with me.”

Balthazar sighs.

“Thanks,” he says. “I owe you one.”

“Mhm, I’ll be looking for you to pay up on that sometime, Balthazar Jones.”

Balthazar just blushes. Ugh. He feels pathetic. He's very ready for the rules to start working, to force him to finally move on.

“What’s with the…?” Balthazar gestures towards Peter's face, motioning to his sunglasses.

“Ah, these,” Peter says. He grins sheepishly. “Just a touch hungover."

“Speaking of punishments...” Balthazar grumbles.

“Hey, hey, I didn’t break any rules."

Balthazar gives him a look that says, ok, right, we can pretend that’s true.

“Ok,” Peter says. “I broke one rule. But come on, Balthy, you have to admit that these rules are ridiculous. I mean, they’ve got you eating HUMMUS for pete's sake.”

Balthazar does realize that the rules are absurd. If he's being honest, the no shenanigans rule was really the only reason he'd agreed to sign up for them in the first place. After all, he's hoping they help him officially move on from Peter. And of course, he won't complain if he doesn't have to watch Peter repeatedly bring people round the flat. 

But the rest of the rules, well, Balthazar had gotten so wrapped up in the getting over Peter part of the agreement that he kind of forgot about them. Hence, how he's ended up on the receiving end of the first punishment. 

But even though the rules are absurd, and even though he's stuck eating Ben's hummus for the next three days, the rules are important to him (for the primary reason already discussed). Plus, he gets to have vegan Fridays, and those two things together are certainly enough for Balthazar to get behind them. 

“Well yeah, ok, the punishments might need to be refined a bit,” he says thoughtfully. “But I think the intent behind them is good. Like, we HAVE been getting on each others’ nerves a lot, the four of us. Maybe some time together will help.”

Balthazar can’t see Peter’s eyes behind his glasses, which makes it annoyingly hard to tell what he’s thinking. 

“I guess..” Peter says. 

“Ah hah!” Ben suddenly bursts out of his room. “I don't see any hummus on that sandwich, Stanley Balthazar jones.”

Balthazar just looks at Peter helplessly, but he only shrugs.

“Sorry man. You know…the rules and all,” he says, a gloating smile on his face. Balthazar groans. He supposes he had that one coming.

Something is definitely going on with Peter. 

Balthazar can’t explain it, but he seems…happier, somehow. It’s been at least a week since Balthazar has seen him snap at Ben, and that is certainly saying something, because Ben for sure hasn’t gotten any less annoying. He’s been a faithful attendant at dinner on Fridays, and he seems to be, mostly, following the rules. Or if he’s breaking them, he’s at least doing it discreetly.

That’s not to say he’s totally lost the attitude. Sure, there is grumbling every time Freddie reminds them about the chores and casual comments about how stupid the whole rules thing is, but for the most part, he’s relatively friendly. And Balthazar should be happy about it. But he isn't ready to jump to any conclusions about it yet.

He mentions his observations to Paige after he and Ben are done helping her move into her new flat. Ben has gone home "to study" (although this is more than likely not what is happening), and Balthazar had waved him off with a fleeting excuse that he would be doing his studying at Paige's, instead.

“Weird how?” Paige says, lying back on her bed.

“I don’t know, he’s just…unusually friendly,” Balthazar is sitting on the floor, fiddling with her ukulele. He loves that she has instruments in her room. It means he doesn't have to bring his own. 

“Friendly?" Paige says. Then, her face lights up. "Wait- You mean…”

“No, no, not like that,” Balthazar says, blushing. Only in his dreams. “I just mean, he isn’t so grumpy all the time. And he’s doing a much better job of hiding his drinking, if he’s even drinking at all.”

“Hm.” Paige looks thoughtful. “I wonder if it has anything to do with Faustus.”

“What?” 

“Faustus. It’s a play, by Marlowe. Peter and I are both in it. We started rehearsals just last week.”

Balthazar just blinks at her.

“A play?” he says, processing.

“Yeah! I’m doing the music. It’s kind of a mess of a production to be honest, the director is really crazy. But Peter’s really good! He’s actually playing the lead.”

A play. It’s definitely not what Balthazar would have suspected. After all, he didn’t think Peter did much else these days besides go to class (sometimes) and work at the bar. But at the same time, if Peter WAS going to go for an extra-curricular…somehow, a play makes sense. Don’t ask Balthazar to explain it.

“Huh,” Balthazar says. He puts his hands on his knees. “And you think that’s what’s helping?”

“I mean, I really don’t know,” Paige says. “But he does seem to be really enjoying it. Maybe it’s cheering him up a bit? It might be thinking a lot of myself but I AM pretty good at cheering people up."

“Faustus,” Balthazar says again. There’s a part of him that wishes it wasn't the play that was making Peter feel better. A part of him had wanted it to be the rules, had wanted it to be...well, him.

“Wait a second,” Balthazar says, a look of revelation dawning on his face. “Faustus starts with an F. THAT’S what all those F’s on the calendar are for.”

“What?” Paige just looks bewildered.

“Aw man, Ben is gonna be so excited when he finds out," Balthazar laughs.

After their brief conversation with Ben at the living room table, Rosa won’t let the topic of "Mullet Boy" go. Balthazar had been feeling pretty good about himself, given how well he had managed to shrug off Ben's inquiries about the F's on the kitchen calendar. But he hadn't forgotten their conversation about Peter either, though he was hoping Rosa had.

“So, Mullet Boy,” she says once they're settled in Balthazar's room. 

“Yep,” Balthazar replies.

“Living with you.”

“Yep.”

“Which you didn’t tell me about.”

“It...wasn’t important.”

“Riiiight.”

“What?” Balthazar says. 

“I just…are you entirely sure this was a good idea, Balthy?” Rosa looks at him inquisitively. “It doesn’t have anything to do with, you know, all this angst you’ve been having?”

“I have not been having angst,” Balthazar says defensively, but Rosa just rolls her eyes. “Anyway, it’s fine, Pete and I are friends.”

“Uh huh,” Rosa says. She looks doubtful. “But you don’t really want that, do you?”

Balthazar is blushing now, but he pretends he doesn’t know it.

“I dunno, Rosy. Peter is…I mean, I’ve never expected anything of him before.”

“I guess…” Rosa says, but she sounds skeptical. 

“I didn’t, like, move here expecting to get with him, ok? 

“But why DID you move in with him then?”

It's a question Balthazar asks himself every single day. He decides to go with the simple answer, because it still happens to be true.

“Because he’s my friend."

“And Ben?” Rosa says, wrinkling her nose. “I still don’t understand what could have convinced you to live with THAT.”

“He’s really not that bad,” Balthazar laughs. “You get used to him, and he means well.”

“Doubtful,” she huffs.

Ben and Freddie have been getting on Balthazar's case about Kit ever since Ben first started filming videos again. Balthazar had staved them off as for long as he could. Kit is so separate from all of the drama of the flat - it's why Balthazar likes him. He doesn't want to meld the two parts of his life, much prefers being able to escape the one that comes with so much baggage.

But after weeks and weeks of subtle hints, he finally caves and decides it's time that Kit come over. Plus, it isn't entirely self-initiated. Ever since he and Kit had run in to Freddie at Boyet's, Balthazar has gotten the feeling that something is going on between the two of them, and he figures it might be time for an official introduction. He knows it would be breaking the rules for the two of them to get together, but Balthazar is a romantic at heart. Plus, the only person he really cares about following the no shenanigans rule is himself. Well, and maybe Peter, if he's honest with himself.

The introduction is exactly how Balthazar had assumed it would be: dominated by Ben and his camera. He can sense Ben's suspicious about Kit, and he has a good idea where they're coming from. Say what you will about Ben, but Balthazar knows what he's trying to do with this vlogging thing - he wants his two friends to get together. It's a sweet yet horribly naïve goal, and Balthazar just doesn't have the heart to tell him that his attempts are pointless. He and Peter...well, the likelihood of them working out seems to be becoming more and more of a pipe dream.

“It appears that Ben thinks I’m your boyfriend,” Kit says. They're settled into Balthazar's room after the laborious introductory process is finally over.  

“Nah, he doesn’t.”

“Pretty sure he does, mate,” Kit laughs. 

“Well if he does, it’s not my fault,” Balthazar shrugs. “He simply presumed. It's very Ben of him and all.”

“Not that I’m not flattered,” Kit laughs, leaning back in Balthazar's desk chair. “But…you don’t wanna, you know, set the record straight or anything?”

Balthazar just shrugs again.

“I don’t really care,” he says.

“So...you do want to date me then?”

"Yes, I am deeply in love with you, Kitso," Balthazar says, and Kit laughs, because they both know this isn’t true. 

“You SURE this doesn’t have anything to do with Peter?” Kit says. Normally, any attempt to bring up Peter would have Balthazar immediately shutting the conversation down. But he's always found it easy to talk about Peter with Kit. Something to do with his overall chill vibe, and probably also the fact that he doesn't know Peter in the slightest.

“Why would it?” Balthazar tries to look casual.

“I dunno. Just seems convenient and all, having an easy way to get Ben off your back about all that.”

“Hm, I guess,” Balthazar says. "Never really thought about that."

Kit shakes his head.

“People don’t know how sneaky you are, Balthazar Jones.”

Balthazar just wiggles his eyebrows.

“I uploaded more of that bath footage, by the way,” Ben says. He and Balthazar are walking home from class. It’s chilly outside, despite the nearness of spring, and Balthazar is freezing. He really cannot wait to get home and put on every sweater he owns.

“Yeah?” Balthazar says. He has a lot on his mind, the history essay they were just assigned being one of them, so he doesn’t really feel like pursuing this topic. But he also doesn't have the energy to protest.

“The viewers love it. I TOLD you the bath was a brilliant idea.”

“I guess,” Balthazar says. He's seen the first bath video, the one with him and Ben, and it is even more rambly than he remembered. He can't imagine anyone finding it interesting.

“Plus, I finally got to the footage of you and Pedro,” Ben says. 

Balthazar almost laughs out loud. He remembers Peter being in the bath, of course, but the idea of it now, after everything that has happened. It’s kind of hilarious to think about.

“Oh man, Pete is not gonna like that,” he chuckles, imagining the look on Peter’s face when he finally sees the footage.

“Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure of that,” Ben says. He looks proud of himself, although Balthazar can’t imagine why. “After all, he IS the one who gave me the idea in the first place.”

“Peter? Gave you the idea to film a video in the bath?” Balthazar says skeptically. “You sure we’re talking about the same Peter here Ben?”

“Ok well, he didn’t specifically tell me to get in the bath, no,” Ben shrugs. “But he provided the inspiration.”

“Really,” Balthazar says. He has no idea where Ben is going with this.

“Yup,” Ben says. “He asked for Ben magic, and I delivered. You laugh a lot in those videos, I’ll have you know. I think that’s evidence enough of my success.”

Balthazar is very confused, but that really isn’t anything new when it comes to Ben.

“What does my laughter have to with this?” he says.

“It cheered you up,” Ben shrugs. “That WAS what we were trying to do anyway.”

Balthazar pauses. 

“We?” he says.

“Yes, Balthy,” Ben says, like it should be obvious. “Peter and I. We thought you were stressed. Peter asked me to do some “Ben thing” and voila,” he does a chef’s kiss and then gestures toward Balthazar.

“Happy Balthazar.”

Balthazar just blinks at him.

“I really am a genius,” Ben sighs self-contentedly.

It shouldn’t be surprising, the fact that Peter wanted to cheer him up. He knows Peter has always wanted to help, and back at the start of the year, his efforts were certainly more obvious. But it’s a while since then and…well, Balthazar had kind of forgotten what it felt like to have Peter pay attention to him.

“Huh,” he says. “That was...nice...of both of you.”

Ben is just smirking at him, a knowing look on his face.

“I will say though that the conversations you and Peter have in that tub,” Ben says. “Complete nonsense.”

“Nah.” This time, Balthazar smiles. “Not to me.”

Chapter Text

Peter goes for a walk after he gets out of rehearsal. He had thought about going to the bar, having a drink while he killed time until Balthazar’s shift finished. But then he realized how much he DIDN’T want to ruin this night or make an ass of himself, so he'd settled for a walk instead.

It feels good to just wander. Peter hasn’t done it in a while. He’s been out, but always with a destination in mind. Or really, with a purposeful not-destination in mind. It’s been a long time since he’s allowed himself to just be, existing in a world of his own thoughts. And as scary as he used to think it was, he HAS kind of missed it.

Ever since they instated the rules, ever since he auditioned for the play, ever since that day when Balthazar had helped him with his gift to Hero, Peter has been feeling…better. It’s not like there’s been some miraculous change. He isn’t quite back to his old self, probably never will be. Not entirely, at least. But the clouds have lifted just a tad. He’s started to notice things around him again, started to realize how distant he’s become from the flat. And of course, he’s started to realize how much he misses spending time with Balthazar.

He does a loop around the park, smiling as he remembers rehearsing his lines with Balthazar just the other day. It had felt amazing, exhilarating even, to be back the way they used to be: laughing unrestrainedly at the ridiculousness that was Peter in a play and Balthazar in a dumb hat. That experience, combined with the fact that Peter had managed to get Balthazar to walk home with him tonight, seemed like proof that things were improving. Maybe Peter COULD have friends without messing everything up. Maybe, just maybe, he had been wrong about this year. 

His loop ends at Balthazar’s building, and he smiles when he sees Balthazar sitting on the steps, waiting for him. When he notices Peter, Balthazar stands up, rubbing his arms.

“I can’t believe you waited for me,” he says as the two begin walking. “It’s freezing out here. You should have just gone home.”

“Nah, it was no big deal,” Peter shrugs. “Besides, it’s nice out. I went for a walk.”

“This weather is not nice,” Balthazar says grumpily, and Peter thinks it's extraordinarily cute. "You WOULD say that."

“What does that mean?” 

“I dunno, it’s like you’re impervious to cold.”

“No, it’s just because I’m not tiny, like you,” Peter laughs. “AND, I dress appropriately.”

“I dress appropriately! How many sweaters must I own?”

“Apparently, better ones,” Peter rolls his eyes. “Here, take my jacket.”

“Oh, nah…I’m fine.” Balthazar looks uncomfortable, at this offer, and Peter notices him purposefully increase his distance.

“Obviously you’re not,” Peter says. “Given how much you’re complaining. Just take it.” He shrugs off his coat.

“No, really, I’m good.”

“Oh come on, Balthy, just take it…”

“NO,” Balthazar says. He isn’t yelling, but it’s almost there. A close relative. Peter blinks.

“Ok, geez, sorry man,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “I just didn’t want you to be cold.”

“I’m fine,” Balthazar says, his voice still vaguely steely. But then his tone softens. “Thanks, though.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

Well, now things are awkward, Peter thinks. It's been like this ever since moving in to the flat, really. Even back when things were comparatively good, at the beginning of the year. One second they're joking around and the next second, *bam*, they're struck in the face by this THING, this giant awkward thing between them that both of them know about but can't talk about either. It makes interactions difficult. Which is annoying, because Peter isn't used to feeling awkward, and especially not with Balthazar.

And because it's so annoying, or maybe because Peter is feeling more like himself these days, he tries to break the silence, to get them back on track.

“How was work?” he says, because that seems like a safe topic.

“It was good. Boring. Busy. The usual.”

Peter wants to ask more. He’s realizing how little he actually knows about Balthazar’s life here. Did he ever sign up for an open mic night? Which of his classes is his favorite? Where does he go on his walks, and what does he think of Wellington in general? 

But, alas, Peter gets the sense that Balthazar doesn’t want to go on, so he doesn’t press. 

"How was rehearsal?” Balthazar continues. 

“Good, good.” Peter is happy that they’ve managed to scoot past the momentary lapse in comfortable conversation. “Costa has us learning sword fighting this week.”

“Sword fighting? I didn’t realize Faustus had sword fighting.”

“It doesn’t. Nor normally,” Peter says. “But this play isn’t really normal. I mean, Costa has us doing these ridiculous warm-ups, and no one really knows their lines, and it’s all kind of a giant fuck up.” 

He laughs.

“But I dunno, it’s…fun,” he shrugs. "I can't explain it."

Balthazar is smiling. 

“I’m glad you’re having fun. You seem…happy.”

“I am,” Peter says. He doesn’t feel like saying more, and he knows Balthazar won't expect him to.

“How about you, though?” he says, finally.

“What about me?”

“Are you, you know…happy?” Peter cringes, but Balthazar just laughs.

“Wow, very subtle of you, Pete.”

“What? Trying to figure out how you are without asking is exhausting. I’m kinda over it,” he laughs.

“You’ve been trying to figure out how I am?” Balthazar sounds quiet.

“Well yeah, only for like eight months,” Peter says. He stops when he sees Balthazar’s face.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Balthazar says, shaking his head and looking down at the pavement in front of him. 

Peter can’t believe it.

“Are you…actually surprised to find out that I care if you’re happy?” he says it like he’s joking, but a part of him is heartbroken at the possibility.

“…no,” Balthazar says, but it’s far from convincing.

“You are!”

“No, no,” Balthazar says. “Sorry, I just- I know you care.”

“Well, good,” Peter says. “Because I do.”

Balthazar doesn’t respond. Peter seems to get the idea: it’s his turn to drive the conversation here.

“Soooo?” he says again.

“Sooo?”

“Oh come on Balthy, you’re not seriously gonna make me ask again. It took me ages to work up the courage just for that!” 

Balthazar looks at him. Then he smiles.

“I’m happier,” he says carefully.

“Sooooo…not…happy then.” Peter squints at him.

“Hey I answered, I don’t know what else you want from me, Pete.”

“I feel like I just got robbed.”

“Take it or leave it,” Balthazar smirks.

“Your happy-ishness?”

“My happy-likeness.”

“Your feeling of something akin to happiness?”

“Baby happiness,” Balthazar says. “Like a newborn baby goat.” He mimes petting something on the ground that Peter can only assume is the aforementioned baby goat. 

Peter snorts.

“You and your animal analogies,” he says.

“There’s an animal for every scenario, really. More people should realize that.”

“What do you want for dinner?” Peter says suddenly, and Balthazar looks momentarily surprised.

“It’s like 11pm, Pete.”

“Am I to assume that you, Balthazar Jones, actually ate dinner?”

Silence. Peter smiles, because he knows he’s won.

“I could go for a burrito,” Balthazar says.

“Burritos it is, then.”

The burrito place is a favorite, discovered way back at the beginning of the year, back when flat bonding hadn’t yet become a mandated activity. Peter and Balthazar sit at a booth in the back.

“That burrito is bigger than your head,” Peter laughs, as Balthazar slowly unwraps his food to take a bite.

“You’re just jealous.” Balthazar wiggles the burrito at him.

“I am very jealous of you and your burrito.”

“Mm, our love really is something to behold,” Balthazar says, taking a bite and closing his eyes. He sighs contentedly. Peter just watches him, a stupid grin plastered on his face. 

“We should do this more,” he says. He takes a bite of his own food.

“What? Eat burritos?”

"No, the burritos are non-essential.”

“Peter,” Balthazar gasps, pretending to cover his burrito’s ears. “My burrito and I are offended.”

Peter laughs.

“No, I just mean-” he hesitates for a second, but Balthazar is so wrapped up in his burrito that he doesn’t appear to notice. “We should hangout more. I- I miss it.”

Balthazar looks up, studying him. Then, he turns back to his food, taking another big bite.

“Hm,” he says.

“Hm?”

“Yeah, hm.”

“You must realize that that isn’t actually a word.”

“It is most certainly a word,” Balthazar says. “It means,” he lays out his hands in the air, like he’s holding up the definition. “I don’t know.”

“You…don’t know if you want to hang out with me.”

“I do LIKE hanging out with you,” Balthazar says, his voice light. He’s teasing.

“Ok, well, good.”

“But do YOU like hanging out with ME?”

Peter is momentarily confused.

“Of course I do,” he says. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Oh you know, just…stuff, and all,” Balthazar says. “Your stuff. Our stuff.” Peter thinks he catches Balthazar blush, but he’s doing a very good job at hiding it with his valiant burrito eating endeavors.

“My…stuff,” Peter says, processing.

Balthazar sighs.

“You know what I mean, Pete.” 

And Peter does. He just doesn’t have a good answer right now. 

“Sometimes I wish we could go back to year 12, you know?” Peter says.

“It’s just another year,” Balthazar shrugs.

“Well it’s certainly better than this year. Or last, even,” Peter says, picking at his food. He tries not to sound grumpy.

Balthazar doesn’t say anything.

“Remember when we used to prank call Ben?” Peter smiles at the memory.

“You mean when YOU used to prank call Ben.”

“Hey, you were present,” Peter laughs. “Plus, I only did it because your reactions were so hilarious. Your face would go super red, you thought it was so embarrassing.”

“Hm, I mostly remember you embarrassing YOURSELF at Mario Kart.”

“Ouch,” Peter says in mock offense. 

“Year 12 WAS fun,” Balthazar sighs.

“Yeah.”

For a moment, it’s just the two of them, in silence. Well, them and their respective burritos.

“I can’t finish this burrito.”

“I know. Literally everyone in this restaurant knew that the moment you unwrapped it,” Peter laughs.

“I tried, but I admit defeat,” Balthazar says, wrapping up his leftovers. “Anyway, we should probably be getting home.”

“Yeah, but…” Peter doesn’t want to go.

“What?” 

But Peter doesn’t have a good response.

“Nothing,” he says. “Yeah, home sounds good.”

Of course, just when things seem to be getting better, Peter has to go and fuck it all up again. It feels kind of unfair, considering that it was OLD Peter that put the challenge into the hat. But it was Peter all the same, and it is current Peter that runs away to answer his phone, leaving Balthazar sitting on the floor looking horribly alone. Yes, Peter has seen the video. Only once though, because it was really too painful to watch many more times than that.

In his defense, kissing Balthazar, in the middle of a flat challenge, when he still wasn't 100% sure what he wanted, would definitely not have been the right move. But running away certainly hadn't been optimal either. And now, things are weird again. Weirder than before, in fact. Balthazar is back to posting passive aggressive and heart wrenching songs on Youtube, this time directed even less subtly at Peter.

And Peter hates himself. But not in the same way as before. He hates himself for being dumb, for messing things up again. But he doesn't think he's fucked up to the point of no return. He thinks he might still have a chance, actually. If he could only get his act together and figure out what to do next.  

The unfortunate part of having your flatmate record your every move is that your fuck ups aren't just your own. No, they're broadcast for all the world to see. Most days, Peter kind of forgets about this. He doesn't actually care that much about people on the internet seeing parts of his life. But it does mean that everyone around him seems to have an opinion on the subject, and is happy to offer their advice.

"Smooth move, Pete," Jaquie says to him at play practice the day after. 

"Can we please just not talk about it?" Peter grumbles.

"Ok," Jaquie says. "But we both agree that you are a giant idiot, right?"

"Uh-huh, yep, thanks for that."

It's not just his friends in Wellington, either. When Bea and Meg show up, he realizes that the Auckland crew is also watching the videos. And worse, they have the background and context to really think they know what they're talking about.

"What the hell were you thinking, Pedro?" Meg yells at him while Balthazar is helping Bea and Kit set up their tent in the backyard. "Is there no tiny trace of intelligence left in that tiny, pea-size brain of yours?"

"Shut up, Meg," Peter says. He glances anxiously out the window of the kitchen. "We really shouldn't be talking about this right now."

"Oh right, because no one talks about anything at all in this flat apparently," she huffs. "Did you REALLY think that you would get away with it? Leaving Balthazar sitting there, all alone on the floor, looking like a lost puppy?"

"God, Meg, I already feel bad enough, ok?" he says. "I don't know what you want from me."

"I WANT you to be better," she says. "And also I want you to tell your fuckface flatmate to get over himself and let us stay in the house."

"Yeahhh," Peter says. "I can't do that."

"What is wrong with this place," Meg groans. "Since when does Ben make the rules?"

"Well really, Freddie makes the rules, so..."

"UGH!" and Meg simply storms from the room.

So far, none of the feedback has been helpful. Ironically, Ben and Freddie have been the kindest, remaining strangely quiet on the issue besides the odd "we should do something to cheer Stan up." And Balthazar, of course, has so far refused to acknowledge the situation, although Peter hasn't really even tried to bring it up.

And so, Peter is yet to have a conversation about the situation that is in anyway productive. Well, that is until Bea asks him to go for a walk.

“So…chicken, huh?” she throws the question out casually. The walk had been Bea’s idea, and Peter didn’t protest. He’s been trying to give Balthazar some space ever since the last flat challenge, so he’s happy to be out of the house. Plus, he could tell that Bea had been itching to get him alone for a few days now, but he’d assumed it was so that she could complain to him about Ben, not discuss his relationship with Balthazar.

“Huh?” he just says, because it was actually so unexpected that he hasn’t had a chance to process it yet.

“Pretty stupid thing to do, throwing that into the challenge box,” Bea continues.

Peter is so used to dealing with Ben that he automatically conjures a barb to throw back at her, but then he remembers that this is Beatrice he’s talking to. And he doesn’t actually want to fight with Bea. He hasn’t for a while.

So instead, he just sighs.

“I know, right,” he says, a sarcastic smile on his face. “That’s me, all-round great guy.”

“I know you did it to fuck with the rules,” she says, crossing her arms.

Peter looks up at her, surprised.

“You do?”

“Obviously. What I don’t understand is the lack of foresight. I mean, come on, Peter, did you honestly forget who was living with you?”

“I was pretty angry,” Peter says sheepishly. “Fucking with Ben was kind of my top priority.”

“Well, that's understandable at least," she says. "He is, after all, a dickhead."

Peter smiles. He has really missed Bea.

"Alright, well then, what about when the game got pulled out of the- the hat,” Beatrice continues. “Why not shut everything down then?”

“I don’t know, because it would look weird? How was I supposed to pull out without it looking like I had some reason to really really not want to kiss my flatmate?”

“Mhm, and that’s a problem because it would imply that you DO want to kiss him,” Beatrice says. "Which, you do. Right?"

“I-” Peter stops. Sighs. “That’s besides the point,” he says. “Plus, I didn’t think- I didn’t think Balthazar would want that anyway- you know, on camera and all.”

"So that's why you ran away?"

Peter just shrugs.

“You saw the video. I had a phone call.”

“Pedro.”

“I don’t know Bea,” he says, running a hand through his hair. “Everything is just so…weird right now.”

“Weird how?”

“Weird like…I don’t know how to act around anyone anymore.”

“Anyone?” Bea says pointedly. “Or just Balth?”

“I just…I don’t want to hurt him,” Peter sighs. “I feel like I can’t even be around him without doing anything wrong.”

Beatrice is quiet for a moment.

“I don’t get it, Pedro,” she says. “Balthazar has literally been pining after you for like six years. You obviously like him too. Why don’t you just go for it?”

“He hasn’t been pining after me,” Pedro says, squirming. It sometimes makes him physically uncomfortable to think about how long and how much Balthazar likes him. So many years of quiet commitment, and for what? For Peter to just throw it all in his face?

“Right, because pining implies a lack of reciprocation,” Beatrice smirks.

“Look, I just don’t - I don’t feel like I’m ready. For that.”

“For what?”

“Ugh, you know what I mean” he says frustratedly. “For BALTHAZAR. It’s so much more…real and important than anything else I’m involved with right now. I just don’t feel like I deserve it.”

“Why not?” Beatrice looks genuinely puzzled.

“Because I’m a fuck up, ok? I hurt so many people last year. Who’s to say I’m not gonna do it again?”

“Pedro,” Beatrice says. “You aren’t a fuck up.”

“I kind of am,” he says under his breath.

“Well, you DID fuck up. But that doesn’t mean you’re a fuck up.”

Peter doesn’t reply. 

"Now BEN, there's a fuck up for you," she says. "What kind of boyfriend makes his own girlfriend...LONG-DISTANCE girlfriend, I might add, sleep outside in a tent? I mean it's just ridiculous! The stupid idiot-"

She stops herself, shakes her head as if to return herself to the current conversation.

“You deserve to be happy, Pedro,” Beatrice says, putting a hand on his shoulder. “And so does Balth.”

Peter just runs his hands over his face.

“It doesn’t even matter,” he groans. “He's barely talking to me. I have no clue what to do now.”

“Then don't talk," Beatrice says. "It isn't really his style anyway. Try something different, something Balthazar."

Peter still just looks at his feet.

“Just think about it,” she says, rising off the bench. “Now, let’s get home. I need to go yell at my boyfriend again.”

Chapter Text

The first thing Balthazar does after they finish playing chicken is sit on his bed, processing. His mind is weirdly blank. He knows what has just happened. Is hurt and humiliated and everything in between. But at the same time, it’s like it’s too much for his brain to process, and he’s unable to clearly identify a next action. So he just sits. And he stares.

“Stanley?”

It’s Freddie, her voice soft from the other side of Balthazar’s door. Balthazar doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t even move.

“Do you think we should break down the door?” he hears Ben whisper next.

“No, no, maybe we should just…give him some space,” Freddie says.

Balthazar’s brain barely registers how absurd it all is. He's just experienced heartbreak, and not only were half his friends there to witness it, but the other half will surely see it all when the video goes up online. Because Balthazar COULD ask Ben not to upload it. But weirdly, he doesn't want to. He wants Peter to see it. Needs him to know how much pain he's causing Balthazar. Because maybe, if he sees it, he will finally just stop.

Balthazar suddenly feels suffocated by it all. This flat, this year, this stupid THING he has with Peter that’s making it impossible for him to live his life. Balthazar knows, now, that the only reason Peter put that challenge into the hat was to fuck with the rules. He had forgotten about Balthazar, had failed to consider how it would look from his side, hadn’t had the FORESIGHT to think that maybe, just maybe, it would be a little bit cruel to give Balthazar false hope.

And if he wasn’t ready to kiss Balthazar then he shouldn’t have put it in the FUCKING HAT. 

Balthazar can’t believe it, but he thinks he might actually be angry, although it’s hard to tell because of the tears that keep threatening to spill down his cheeks. 

Finally, when he feels like he can’t stand it one second longer, he calls Rosa.

“Balth?” she says from the other end of the line. It’s noisy on her side. Balthazar swears he can hear people singing in the background, but it’s too muffled to make out exactly what is happening.

“Rosy?” Balthazar says.

“What’s going on?” 

“Can I stay at your place tonight?” Balthazar hears a crash from the other end of the line.

“Ugh, hang on,” Rosa says. “Shut up, you idiots, I’m trying to talk to my brother!” 

It sounds like she’s shouting at someone in another room.

“What’s going on over there?” Balthazar says.

“It’s my weird ass flatmates,” Rosa huffs. “They’re having some kind of crazy campfire jam session thing in the middle of the living room. I swear, it’s like no one in this flat ever sleeps. Hold on one second.”

He hears Rosa shut a door and assumes she’s moved into the quiet of her own room, because the volume of the singing is now much softer.

“Sorry about that,” Rosa says. “What’s going on, Balth? Why do you sound like you’re crying?”

“I’m not crying,” Balthazar says. But he realizes a second later that he is.

“Well you obviously called me for a reason, so come on, out with it already.”

Only Rosa could speak so brusquely and to the point while still managing to sound concerned.

“I was just wondering if I could stay with you…you know, just for a night or two.”

“Why on Earth would you want to do that? This place is a literal madhouse. In all my time traveling I NEVER had a living situation like this. And I slept in some pretty weird places.”

Balthazar doesn’t care if it’s a madhouse. He’s pretty sure anywhere else in the world right now would be less mad than the place he’s currently living.

“Because…I can’t, I can’t stay here,” he says.

“Does this have something to do with Peter?”

Balthazar doesn’t feel like telling her, really doesn’t want to talk about it. Plus, the whole thing is on video, and everyone will see it soon anyway. He’ll just wait for that.

“I just need to get out of the flat, for a bit,” he says. 

Rosa sighs.

“I’m sorry, but you can’t stay here Balthy,” she says gently. “You heard the chaos that’s going on here. It’s really not right for visitors. Trust me.”

“But..”

“I’ll come over tomorrow,” she says. “Get you out of the house. I promise.”

Balthazar is trying to ignore the tears that are now rapidly occluding his vision.

“But what about tonight?” he says softly.

Rosa is quiet for a moment, thinking.

“How about a song?” she says. “That’s what we do, we Joneses. When we’re upset. Write a song about it. You can play it for me tomorrow.”

“I don’t know…”

“Just try, Balthy.”

Balthazar sighs. He feels pathetic.

“Ok,” he says, finally.

“I’ll call you first thing in the morning,” Rosa says. “It’ll be ok, I promise.”

“Right, yeah,” Balthazar says. “Night, Rosy.”

“Night, Balth.”

He switches off his phone and lies down on his bed, staring at the guitar on his wall. He still hasn’t written much this year, hasn’t quite gotten his groove back. But Rosa is right, a song might be just what he needs. 

“Ben,” he says the next morning. He’s been waiting to exit his bedroom until he heard Peter leave for class. Fortunately, Peter must have assumed that Balthazar would want space, and he's exited the flat early. It's just Ben eating breakfast at the table when Balthazar finally comes out. 

Ben almost spits out his cereal when he notices Balthazar's presence.

“Balthy!” he says, standing up. He looks like he’s about to hug Balthazar, but seems to think better of it at the last second, because he winds up just patting him awkwardly on the shoulder. “How was the sleep?” 

“Uh, yeah, it was fine,” Balthazar says. He looks down at the breakfast table. “You can keep eating your cereal.”

Ben glances at his cereal and smiles sheepishly. 

“Right, yeah,” he says, sitting back down. Balthazar takes a seat across from him.

“I was wondering if I could borrow your camera,” he says. “To film a song.”

“A song?” Ben’s face brightens up. He looks encouraged. “You wrote a song? Balthy, that’s great!”

Balthazar pretends not to notice the humiliating sympathy that’s emanating from Ben every second.

“Uh, yeah, I guess,” he says. He doesn’t really feel like having a conversation. Frankly, he only left his room with one goal in mind: to get Ben’s camera and return safely back inside.  

“I wanna put it up on Youtube. You know, like the one I put up earlier this year.”

“Oooh that's a great idea! I can help!” Ben says brightly.

Crap. Balthazar had forgotten to factor Ben's enthusiasm into this conversation. 

“Uh…no, no that’s ok. I can just do it myself, really,” Balthazar stutters. “Just need the camera, that’s all.”

“No, we should do it right!” Ben says. “Make it a real music video, one that does it justice. Maybe Chelsea could even help! I was really impressed with her camera skills back when we played True New Zealand.”

Balthazar blinks.

“What? No, no, Ben, it’s really not a big deal. I just wanna do something simple. You know, something easy.”

“Nonsense,” Ben says. “Just leave it to me: we’ll have a camera set up that is worthy of Balthazar Jones in no time, trust me.”

And with that, Ben has grabbed his cereal bowl and run off into his room, presumably to call Chelsea. Balthazar just groans. This really wasn’t what he had in mind.

But he's powerless in the face of an overly enthusiastic Ben on a mission to cheer up his friend. So two hours later, he finds himself sat on the couch with two cameras trained on him, pouring his heart out to thousands of strangers on the internet. How weird is his life.

When he finishes singing, Ben and Chelsea just stare at him.

“Wow, Balthazar,” Chelsea says. “That was…really nice. Beautiful, actually.”

“Uh, yeah, thanks,” Balthazar says, blushing. 

Ben has a million emotions flitting across his face, sadness and sympathy being chief among them. He looks a bit unsure what to say, but in the end, he smiles anyway.

“Yeah, really good, mate. Your best one yet, really.”

Balthazar just shrugs.

"I guess the rules just give me lots of inspiration," he says.

“Since when do you own a tent, mate?” Kit asks him as he helps he and Bea set it up in the backyard. 

“Bought it a year or two ago,” Balthazar shrugs. “Thought it might be fun to sleep outside one night. You know, song inspiration and all.”

“It’s genius,” Kit says, sticking a pole into the ground. “I’m so going online to buy one of these, like, tonight.”

Beatrice is pacing back and forth across the lawn angrily. 

“I can’t believe this is happening,” she says, running her hands through her hair. “Two months since we’ve seen each other and he’s making me sleep in a FUCKING tent. What an absolute dickhead.”

Kit trips on a piece of the tent’s canvas he’s trying to do up and falls on the ground, laughing. Balthazar joins in. Tents are ridiculous.

Beatrice turns to look at them.

“How are you so calm about this?” she says to Kit incredulously. “And Balthazar, how can you go along with this?”

They both just shrug, and Beatrice looks like she wants to punch them.

She sits down on the ground and huffs, staring angrily at her shoes. Balthazar and Kit resume their construction of the tent.

“Hey, you guys wouldn’t mind if, you know, I stayed a night or two out here with you, would you?” Balthazar says. He’s trying to sound nonchalant, but he isn’t sure he’s succeeding.

“Why on earth would you want to do that?” Beatrice says. Balthazar hadn’t actually thought she was listening that well, but apparently his inquiry has managed to catch her attention through the haze of anger circling her being.

“Oh, you know, just seems like a fun adventure, is all.”

Kit is looking at him with a sympathetic smirk, but Beatrice just stares at him like he’s grown a third head.

“A fun adventure?” she says. “Balthazar, this is literally the worst thing I have ever experienced.”

“Hey, hey, it’s not that bad,” Kit says. “It’s a pretty sweet set-up really. It’s not like we’re stranded in the middle of the wilderness or something.”

He turns to Balthazar.

“You’re welcome any night,” he says, squeezing Balthazar's shoulder.

“Thanks,” Balthazar smiles. He sticks another pole into the ground.

Beatrice is now looking at him suspiciously.

“Balthazar, what’s going on?” she says.

“What do you mean?” Balthazar focuses his attention very intently on the pole in front of him.

“Is this about you and Pedro?”

Balthazar cringes. Shit. He hadn’t actually wanted this topic to come up.

“No,” he says, but he knows it’s no use. Beatrice knows too much.

“You guys haven’t made up? After the last flat challenge?”

“There isn’t anything to make up about,” Balthazar mumbles. Kit is remaining politely silent.

“So you’re saying Pedro hasn’t apologized,” Beatrice says. “That dick.”

“He doesn’t have anything to apologize for,” Balthazar responds. “It was a game. He had a phone call. Nobody did anything wrong.”

Beatrice stares at him.

“Wow,” she says. “This flat is the definition of crazy. You all should be glad that Meg and I are here. You need a strong dose of reality.”

“I’m certainly glad you’re here,” Kit says. The tent is now fully constructed, and he’s popping his head out from inside it. “Without you, I wouldn’t be staying in this sweet ass tent.”

Balthazar gives him a high five, and he thinks he might have gotten off relatively easy with Bea. But as he climbs inside the tent, she calls his name.

“We’re gonna fix this,” she says, looking at him intently.

“Nothing to be fixed,” Balthazar shrugs.

“We’ll see about that.” 

And she stands up and storms back into the house, having never laid a hand on the tent.

“I swear man, it’s like your lips don’t even move when you talk.”

“Is that…a bad thing?”

“Well before today I don’t think I’d count it as a positive or a negative, but in the context of lip reading,” Peter says. “It is 100% a negative.”

They’re sitting on the couch after the flat challenge has ended. Bea and Ben have drifted, not surprisingly, off to Ben’s room, and Freddie has disappeared off outside. Meg had been keeping them company, but she too has gone off to who knows where, and Peter and Balthazar now find themselves alone. For the first time since before the flat challenge.

When Balthazar first realizes this, he considers running. But the flat challenge had been fun, and Peter had been nice, and, well, running away is getting kind of exhausting. Avoiding Peter is a lot of work, and he just doesn’t have it in him right now. So he stays.

“I think we all did pretty well, considering,” Balthazar says. 

“That’s true, yeah, I was pretty impressed.”

There’s an awkward silence. They’ve forgotten, a bit, how to be around one another after a week of barely talking.

“How’re your classes going?” Peter finally asks. He’s making small talk, and Balthazar has never felt more grateful for his general talent for socializing.

“Good, yeah. My classics class is really interesting. History’s good too.”

“That’s good,” Peter smiles. But the conversation dies there again. 

“Can I ask you something?” Peter suddenly says.

Balthazar feels uncomfortable.

“Uh, I guess…” he says, but Peter is already asking.

“Why did you ask to go stay with Rosa?”

“What do you mean?” Balthazar squirms.

“Last Friday, when Meg and Bea and Kit first got here, Rosa said she wasn’t even letting you stay,” Peter says. “So you must have asked.”

“Oh, uh…” Balthazar casts around frantically for an answer. “That was a while ago. Back at the start of the semester. You know, school stuff. Just wanted a change of place.”

“Right,” Peter says, but he looks skeptical.

“Apparently her roommates are bizarre,” Balthazar says, trying to turn this into a normal conversation. “She told me that one of them leaves soup cans all over the apartment. No one knows why. Makes me feel kind of lucky to be living with Ben, to be honest.”

Balthazar throws this out because he knows Peter can never resist the opportunity to mock Ben. But he doesn’t seem to take the bait.

“You don’t have to leave, you know,” Peter says.

“Look, it- it was a one-time thing,” Balthazar stammers. “I’m fine now. Really. Can we just drop it?”

“No, I don’t want to just drop it,” Peter says, and they both just sit there, equally surprised at Peter’s response.

“Y-you don’t?” Balthazar squeaks.

“No, Balth, I want to- to fix this,” he says, gesturing between the two of them. “And if I’m the one making you uncomfortable then…then I should be the one to go. I’m the one who messed everything up to begin with. You shouldn’t have to sleep at your sister’s or camp in the backyard to get away from me.” 

Oof. So Beatrice HAD told him about Balthazar’s request to sleep outside.

“No, that’s- that’s not what I want,” Balthazar says. He doesn’t even know what he wants. At this point, he’s just rambling. 

“Really?” says Peter, skeptically. “So you HAVEN’T been hiding in your room every day until I leave the apartment, just so you can avoid me?”

“No,” Balthazar says, defensively. “I’ve just been…taking a lot of naps.”

“Come on, Balthy,” Peter says softly. “I really want things to stop being weird between us. Maybe me moving out would help.”

“No, I don’t-” Balthazar doesn’t know how to explain it, but he’s suddenly terrified. He knows that if Peter moves out, then that might be the end for them. And even though he's miserable, he’s not sure he’s ready for that.

“Do YOU want to move out?” Balthazar says. He’s scared to hear the answer.

“No,” Peter says, shaking his head. But then he backtracks a bit. “I mean, I used to. Maybe. But now…I don’t know. We’re a team. Or at least, we were anyway.”

Balthazar sighs.

“You don’t have to move out.”

“But you don’t want to sleep in your bed,” Peter points out.

“Then I’ll…make it comfier,” Balthazar shrugs, a sad smile on his face. “More pillows, or something.”

Peter looks at him softly.

“I’m sorry, Balthazar. Really. I was a dick.”

Balthazar doesn’t say anything. He notices Peter’s letterman jacket, the one that Bea had brought him, slung over the kitchen chair. It hasn’t moved since that day she had brought it. 

“Cool jacket, huh?” he says, nodding towards its heaped form. Peter seems surprised at the change of subject. He turns to look at the jacket, grimaces, and turns back to Balthazar on the sofa. 

“Yeah, really cool,” he says sarcastically. 

“Pedro Donaldson: All Round Great Guy.”

“Yep, that’s me.”

“Sometimes I miss that guy,” Balthazar says.

Peter looks at him like he’s crazy.

“What?” he says.

“Pedro,” Balthazar says, putting quotes around the name. “I miss him.”

Peter looks tormented for a moment, like he wants to change the subject. Then his face seems to soften, and his grimace is replaced by a look of genuine confusion and curiosity.

“Why?” he says, softly.

“A lot of reasons,” Balthazar shrugs. “He told horrible jokes, for one.”

Peter looks like he isn’t sure whether to laugh.

“Come to think of it, he still tells horrible jokes,” Balthazar says. Peter just rolls his eyes at him, but Balthazar catches the hint of a small smile.

“He was also really decisive,” Balthazar says, looking at his hands. “Just so, like, sure of things. I could spend hours worrying about something, and then I’d go tell him about it, and he’d just say, “Ok, here’s what we’re gonna do.” And it was always ‘we,’ you know? Like he was on your team.”

Balthazar doesn’t look up from his hands, but he can feel Peter staring at him.

“I always liked how he could, like, calm everything down,” Balthazar says softly. “Like, we could be in a crowded room. Hot, loud. And somehow, he could just make it feel so much more…quiet. Unintimidating. I still can’t figure out how he did it.”

“I liked how everyone was obsessed with him, but it never really went to his head. Because it was never really about that. It was just about him being the best he could be. For himself.”

Balthazar dares a look up now. Peter is staring at his hands now too, a look of deep thought etched across his face.

“He’s also a pretty good singer,” Balthazar says. Now, Peter snorts.

“What?” Balthazar laughs.

“Now you’re just blatantly over-hyping me,” Peter says. “I am NOT a good singer.”

“I think you have a great voice. You know, when you sing the right notes,” Balthazar smirks.

Peter throws a pillow at him. They’re quiet for a moment, both of them smiling softly. Then, a look of resolve appears on Peter’s face.

“We should sing that song,” he says.

Balthazar is confused by the abrupt change in conversation. Plus, he has no idea what Peter is talking about.

“What song?”

“The one you wrote last year,” Peter says. “The one that we were going to upload eventually, after New Beginning.”

“Oh, I don’t know…” Balthazar says. That song is a duet. And it’s…well, it’s sappy. Balthazar will admit it. He can't imagine them singing it together now. It would be too weird.

“Come on,” Peter says. “It’ll be fun. And maybe it’ll help.”

Would it help? Balthazar knows, deep down, that it won't. How could singing a love song next to the guy he's currently in love with but not able to be with ever be the right choice? But Balthazar misses Peter, he really does. And he wants things to go back to normal. Or as normal as they could be. 

“Ok,” he says finally, and Peter just smiles.

Chapter Text

When Peter comes out of Balthazar’s room after they finish singing Stay, he assumes that Balthazar will be gone. On a walk, most likely. Fleeing the discomfort and hurt that Peter has thrown back between them once again, whether he intended to or not.

But Balthazar is still just standing in the kitchen, because this IS Balthazar he’s dealing with, and he never entirely runs away.

“Balth,” Peter says. “I’m sorry.”

Balthazar won’t look at him.

“Look, can we just…forget this ever happened?”

Balthazar looks like he’s wishing he’d thought better and gone for a walk when he could, and Peter hates to see him this way. Hates to think that he is the one who is causing it. Again.

“I dunno, Pete, it feels like we’re doing a lot of ‘forgetting things ever happened’ recently.’

Peter cringes at the dig. 

“I mean, I guess so, but..”

“Just stop, Pete. Please, just stop.” Balthazar is tugging at his sleeves, like he always does when he’s nervous. He’s backed up against the countertop, and Peter stops where he stands. There’s about two feet of distance between them, but Peter feels like they might as well be in different rooms. He can feel Balthazar freaking out, the panic starting to rise within him. So he stops dwelling on his own hurt and clicks into management mode, because now is the time for one thing and one thing only: calming Balthazar down.

“Ok,” Peter says quietly, putting up his hands. “Whatever you want, Balthy, it’s your move. How do you want to handle this?”

“I just…” Balthazar looks like he’s about to cry. “Maybe…maybe we just need some space.”

Peter stares at him. 

“Space?” he finally says.

“Yeah, you know, like you said before. Maybe it’s not so good, us being around each other all the time.”

“But- I thought we got over that. You said you didn’t want to leave, that you didn’t want ME to leave. I thought we were doing better, you know, hanging out more and everything-”

“Yeah, but maybe that’s not actually such a good thing,” Balthazar says quietly.

“Come on, Balthy. Just- I was stupid, I’m sorry, can we just-” Peter is struggling for words. “I promise I’ll be more careful. Can we please just give it one more try?”

Balthazar looks at him for a long time. Peter doesn’t want to push him, but he’s genuinely terrified to hear the answer. Because if Balthazar leaves, well…what does that mean? How can they fix things if they aren’t forced to be around one another? The possibility seems incredibly unlikely, and Peter can’t deal with that.

Balthazar looks thoughtful for a moment.

“Ok,” he finally says. “Yeah, Pete, we can try one more time.”

And Peter is so, so grateful, because he can tell he doesn’t have many more tries left.

They go to the grocery store together the next day, at Balthazar’s invitation. Peter THINKS (although he certainly can’t know) that Balthazar might be reflecting on Peter’s actions yesterday. Peter feels stupid for not realizing how it would look. Him constantly bringing over guests, acting like he had no interest in Balthazar whatsoever, and then casually suggesting making out, instead of doing what he should have done and told the truth: “I miss you. I like you. I want us to be together.”

But Balthazar seems to be considering the possibility that Peter had actually been serious about the whole thing. Maybe he’s remembering how stupid Peter can be, and thinking about the the fact that maybe, just maybe, Peter had actually meant something else, but just gone about it in the wrong way. At least, this is what Peter hopes. And Balthazar’s careful attempts to re-initiate contact seem like a good sign. He’s testing the waters. And Peter is determined not to mess things up this time.

“We need tofu, for Friday,” Balthazar says, looking down at the list on his phone. 

“What?” Peter guffaws. “I thought you said you WOULDN’T feed us cold tofu?”

“It won’t be cold,” Balthazar says matter of factly. “T’will only be delicious.”

“In your dreams. Why can’t we just do pasta again?” Peter whines.

Balthazar just shakes his head and steers the trolley down the aisle.

“Because we did pasta last week, and I want more of a challenge.” His eyes scan the shelves. “Besides, it’s kind of supposed to be MY night after all.”

Peter smirks.

“Is it? I don’t remember that being how it was phrased in the rules.”

“It’s not,” Balthazar shrugs. “But seeing how I freely offered to make you all dinner every week, I think I should be allowed to do whatever I want.

Peter is grinning.

“Fine,” he says. “But you better really transform that tofu.”

“Hmm, we’ll see,” Balthazar says, and then he’s gone, wheeling off down the aisle.

It’s a tiny, easy moment among a hundred more difficult and awkward ones, but it’s enough for Peter to think that they just might get past this. Even if he does have to eat cold tofu.

After Punishment is posted, Peter knows he’s out of tries. He and Balthazar are no longer speaking, beyond the odd polite nicety, and it’s killing him. All this time he spent fucking around, and now, when he’s actually ready, it’s like there’s a giant BEN in between the two of them, and Peter’s not sure how to dig himself out of this hole. 

He watches the video when it gets uploaded. He tries not to, but it’s too hard to resist. He sees it through Balthazar’s eyes, understands how he could have gotten the wrong message. How could he be so stupid?

“Peter-” There’s a knock on his bedroom door.

“GO AWAY.”

“Peter I just-, I didn’t really mean for stuff to go this way.”

“I said GO AWAY, Ben.”

“Please, Peter,” Ben says. “I just want to talk.”

 Peter sighs. He gets up, opens the door. His eyes slide across the living room to Balthazar’s. It’s closed, as Peter had assumed it would be.

“What do you want?” he says to Ben. He sounds tired.

“I’m sorry,” Ben says. “But I had to.”

“No, you didn’t have to,” Peter says. “That’s actually not true at all.”

“I did, though. You broke the rules. It had to be done.”

“Ok, sure, fine. But did the punishment have to be THAT, exactly? What happened to flat democracy?”

“Why did you do it, Pete?” Ben says, suddenly. “Why did you try to kiss him like that?”

Peter is surprised. He just stares at Ben. 

“I don’t know,” he sighs. “I was an idiot. What else is new?”

Ben looks thoughtful. Then, he goes on.

“I was mad at you,” he says. “Because…because you’re the one who made me agree to the no shenanigans rule in the first place, just to mess with me. And because you’re hurting our friend. A lot. I didn’t- I didn’t know what else to do.”

Peter is kind of impressed. It isn’t like Ben to talk to him like this, and in a weird way, he kind of appreciates it. There have so many months of hidden motives and unspoken tension that it's actually pretty nice to have someone just say what they're thinking. 

“But now-" Ben says. "Now I think I’ve ended up hurting Balthazar too. He won’t come out of his room.”

“Well what did you expect him to do?” Peter says. “You just put an extremely private moment up on the internet without his consent.”

“I know,” Ben groans. He covers his face with his hands. “Do you think I should take it down?”

“I don’t know,” Peter admits. “I think you should ask him.”

“Maybe you should ask him,” Ben says.

“I don’t-” Peter hesitates. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Ben.”

Ben just looks sad.

“Yeah,” he says. “Ok.”

Ben turns to go, but Peter calls him back.

“Ben,” he says, and Ben turns around. “I’m sorry, by the way. About forcing you to sign the rule.”

“I’m sorry about making them up in the first place,” Ben says sadly. “I was only trying to help.”

“I know.”

Peter stops answering his phone. It’s always Costa calling him anyway, and Peter doesn’t have any interest in continuing the play. Not that he’s doing much else. Mostly he just sits in his room, staring at his ceiling. 

Weirdly enough, he and Ben seem to be on better terms now. It’s like Ben’s punishment video has somehow cleared the air. And he’s taken to answering Peter’s phone for him, even though Peter’s trying to avoid Costa’s calls. It’s certainly a strange set up, having Ben serving as his ad hoc secretary.

“Why did Ben just answer your phone?” Jaquie says to him one afternoon. Apparently, she’s been trying to reach him all day, but this was the first ring Ben had been around to hear. Peter heard them all, but he hadn’t cared enough to do anything about it.

“I dunno,” Peter shrugs.

“Pete, come on,” Jaquie says. “You have to come to rehearsal. Costa is seriously freaking out.”

“I’m not coming,” Peter says.

“Why not?”

“Because! I just-” Peter sighs. “Look, Jaquie, I just feel like I need to be around here is all.”

“Because of Balthazar?”

Peter cringes.

“Because of all of them,” Peter says. “They need me right now.”

“They need to you to sit in your room in the dark not talking to anyone?”

“I’m talking to people,” Peter grumbles.

“Uh huh, right.”

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea for me to be in the play anymore. I’ve got other things going on, more important things.”

Jaquie sighs from the other end of the line.

“Fine. But you have to tell Costa. Because I’m tired of fending him off for you.”

“Yeah, right, I’ll tell him,” Peter says. But of course he doesn’t.

When Ben hands him his phone on the day he and Bea are filming a video (in some ridiculous attempt to atone for what he’s done to Balthazar), it’s John on the other end of the line. Peter had completely forgotten that his parents had made arrangements for John to come up one weekend of the semester, and that, of all times, this weekend was the one that had been decided on. 

It really isn’t the best time. There’s a lot going on. And also, how is it meant to work, logistically? Their friends are already sleeping outside in a tent. Peter can’t exactly tell his parents that John will be doing that too.

So Peter at first intends to tell his family that this isn’t a good time. But then he re-considers. He made a promise to his parents, and to John. They’re expecting him to follow through. And really, maybe it’s the BEST time to have John come. The flat is awkward, he’s no longer busy with the play - he has time to show John around, and it might be nice to have some company.

And so that night, he broaches the subject to the crew.

For some reason, they’re all in the tent. Ben is obviously there to see Bea, and Balthazar, well, Peter can only assume he’s there to see Kit. Freddie’s attendance is a little more confusing, but Peter doesn’t let that stop him. He’s on a mission, and he can’t get distracted, because otherwise he’s afraid he won’t go for it all.

“Alright guys,” he says, stepping into the tent. “I want to make a new rule.”

Everyone just stares at him. They’re in the middle of a card game, from the looks of it, and Peter tries hard not to be offended that he wasn’t invited. Balthazar is there, fiddling with his ukulele next to Kit. It’s the closest Peter has been to him since Punishment was uploaded, given the small size of the tent, and Peter tries to avoid his eyes. 

“A new rule?” Freddie says.

Peter clears his throat.

“Yeah,” he says. “I think that, if everyone agrees to break a rule…I think that should be ok with everyone. It’s kind of what we’ve been doing so far anyway.”

“What? Why?” Beatrice and Meg chorus. They look suspicious and optimistic at the same time, and Peter knows what they’re hoping for. But he isn’t going to give it to them, because that’s not really his battle after all.

“I want John to stay here,” Peter says resolutely.

The tent is silent for a moment. Peter can feel Balthazar looking at him curiously, but Peter just focuses his gaze on Ben and Freddie.

“Um, no,” says Meg. “No way, Pedro. If we have to to sleep in a literal fucking tent, then there is no way he can be allowed to stay in the house.”

“Yeah, I mean, what does this mean for everyone else?” Ben says. He’s looking at Peter skeptically. “Does it mean they can come inside?” 

“Oh, no, just John,” Freddie says. She looks a bit panicked, though Peter has no idea why. Everyone stares at her.

“I mean, if he does come,” she shrugs. “It should just be John allowed - you know, in the house.” Peter swears he sees her blush.

“Guys?” Kit says from beside her, putting up his hands. “What’s happening here?” 

“This is just great. This is actually just what we need right now,” Meg says, huffing and crossing her arms.

Peter echoes her body language and glares at her.

“Ok, well what do you suggest, Meg? Do you want him to stay in the tent?”

“No, ew, of course not,” Meg says.

“I mean, it would make sense,” Kit says practically. “Why don’t we just have all the flatters inside and the guests outside?”

“Uh, excuse me but I am NOT a guest,” Beatrice huffs.

“Ohh are we just chucking out the rules entirely now, is that what’s happening?” Ben says nervously. “Cuz I’m not ok with that.”

Beatrice glares at him, and Ben tries to avoid her stare.

“No no no, the rules are staying,” Freddie says firmly. “But John just counts as a flatter for a little while.”

Beatrice and Meg are obviously not satisfied with this arrangement.

“No way,” Beatrice says, shaking her head. “This is seriously unfair. Ben, DO something.”

“I-,” Ben says. “I mean, it’s not technically breaking any rules to have John stay here…”

“NOT BREAKING ANY RULES?”

“You know, I just think that we should do whatever’s best,” Kit says. He falters when Beatrice’s glare turns on him. “Y- you know, for everyone.”

“Sure yeah, because THAT’s what’s been happening so far,” Meg mutters under her breath.

“Yeah, just- just stay out of this, Kit,” Freddie says, and Kit looks at her in surprise, with what Peter can only identify as a slight trace of hurt.

Balthazar, who’s been silent this whole time, finally speaks up, and everyone immediately goes silent.

“Hang on,” he says. “If not everyone’s ok with him staying in the house and not everyone’s ok with him staying in the tent then…why is he coming down in the first place?” He looks at Peter then, and Peter’s chest tightens.

“Well,” Peter says. “He’s got nowhere else to go. And my mum’s already booked flights.”

“Oh.”

The two of them just stare at each other. Balthazar knows about John. Perhaps more than anyone else in the tent. They talked about it a lot last year. How hurt Peter had been to find out how much John hated him. How much he really wanted to make it right. And Balthazar, (apparently), knew John. They got along in some weird way, or at least in a way that Peter and John had never been able to. And back in Year 13, when Peter and John had been in the height of their animosity, Balthazar had always chided Peter for his lack of tact with his younger brother.

“You’re kinda mean to him, you know,” he’d said to Pedro one day as they settled down to play video games in the basement. They’d run into John on the way down, and Peter had yelled at him for lurking around the house.

Peter had been surprised at the time. It wasn’t like Balthazar to say anything so…well, direct.

“I’m not mean,” he had said defensively. “I’m just realistic. He can’t honestly expect to get far in life lurking around the house and getting shit grades.”

“Not everyone has the luxury of being Pedro Donaldson,” Balthazar had smirked.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I just mean, stuff kinda comes easy to you. And there isn’t only one way to be happy.”

Peter had looked thoughtful for a moment.

“I mean, I’M nothing like you, or like John, and I’m doing ok,” Balthazar had said.

“I guess." It had been weird. He and Balthazar didn’t usually talk about stuff like that.

“Anyway, the game, yeah?” he had said. And the two of them resumed their activities. 

In the present day, Peter is remembering this conversation and the many others that had followed throughout their last two years of school when Kit finally clears his throat. 

“Uh yeah, why is he coming down anyway Peter?” he says, looking between Peter and Balthazar with a bit of trepidation.

Peter shakes his head, bringing himself back to the present.

“I just haven’t seen him in a while, ok?” he says.

No one responds. Evidently, this response is genuine enough to encourage deeper consideration of his proposition, because there are no immediate arguments expressed. Peter takes this opportunity to expand his foothold. He turns to Ben.

“Ben, he’s not gonna break any rules or anything while he’s down here.”

It’s weird, this positioning, where Ben is somehow now the authority of the flat. But Peter realizes that, in a weird way, he always has been, at least when it comes to the rules. Although Peter knows Ben would be willing to relinquish authority as soon as Peter expressed a desire to take over again.

“Alright. Fine,” Ben sighs finally. “Let’s do this.”

He looks around the tent.

“Is everyone else ok with this?”

“I guess,” Beatrice shrugs.

“If Beatrice is ok with it then I guess I can cope.”

“Ok guys, it seems like we’ve reached an agreement,” Freddie claps her hands.  

“Yeah, I’m glad everyone’s finally come to a conclusion." This is Kit.

At this point, Balthazar is the only one in the tent who hasn’t said anything.

“Balthy?” Freddie says. “What do you think?”

“Sure, yeah,” he shrugs. “Fine with me.”

He stands up. “I’m gonna go…get some studying done before dinner.” He slides past Peter and out of the tent, avoiding his gaze entirely.

“Cool, cool. Thanks guys,” Peter says when Balthazar is gone. He lets out a breath. He hadn’t realized how stressed he was throughout the entire conversation. Plus, now that Balthazar is gone, things are less tense in general.

“You owe us one, Pedro,” Beatrice says. “A big one.”

“I know, I know,” Peter says. “I’ll make it up to you someday.”

“Hey, guys, by the way, now that Balthazar’s gone,” Kit says, quietly.  “I’ve got an idea for his birthday.”

“Oooh that’s right!” Meg says. “I almost forgot!! Spit it out, Kit, what grand plan have you come up with?”

Kit clears his throat. 

 “What if…” he says, pausing dramatically. “We had no rules?” He splays his hands out in front of him. 

No rules? Peter isn’t sure that’s a good idea. He’s already made Balthazar feel like he’s trying to get with him. Won’t he think this was Peter's idea, that he’s just trying to make out with Balthazar again?

“Oooh, yeah, I dunno,” Peter says. “That might be pushing things.”’

“Yeah, I mean, that might be taking things a bit far?” Freddie says. She's also looking directly at Peter, and if Peter's being honest, he kind of resents her for it. He knows that many of the rules were directed straight at him, and he's annoyed at the fact that Freddie is presumably worried about what it would mean for Peter to go a night without them. Little does she know that the rules don't mean anything to Peter. He hadn't even started following them until they started making Balthazar feel better, and until everyone in the flat seemed to be in generally higher spirits. So what difference does it make, not having them?

Kit pipes up again.

“Well what else are we gonna get him for his birthday? It’s not like we can do anything past 10 or anything. The rules kind of limit things.”

Everyone looks thoughtful.

“Plus, I think it would be REALLY nice if Balthazar had a good birthday,” Kit says meaningfully, looking around the tent. Peter feels very uncomfortable, and he, Ben and Freddie still look unsure.

Finally, Beatrice jumps in. It's almost like she knows that the three of them need a gentle push. That they all want this night, but are, for some absurd reason, unwilling to give it to themselves.

“Well, I think that it would be kinda like a holiday," she says. "And I think everyone kinda needs a holiday right now. So I think we should take a vote.”

Ben looks at her, and she nods gently at him, smiling.

"Alright, I vote yes," Ben says, smiling back at her and taking her hand.

"I vote yes too, obviously," Beatrice says, pecking Ben on the cheek.

"It's a yes from me as well," Kit says.

"Yaaaas, let's do this, bitches! " This is Meg. 

Yes, alright, I vote yes," Freddie now chimes in.

They all look at Peter. He still feels like it's a risky move, and even though he was annoyed at Freddie for suggesting it, he's actually a little afraid that he'll mess everything up. But it can't get any worse than it already is, right?

He swallows.

"Alright, yes," he says. And that's that.

Peter stops Beatrice on the way out of the tent when the vote has been officially decided.

“You really think this is a good idea?” he says to her.

“Do I think it’s a good idea?” she says, goggling at him. “Do I think it’s a good idea to get rid of the stupid rules that are currently forcing me to sleep outside?”

“No, yeah, I know you obviously don’t want the rules,” Peter waves her off in frustration. “But what about Balthazar? You don’t think-”

“What about Balthazar?” she says. “Of all of you idiots, he’s probably the one who deserves a night off the most.”

“Yeah, but, I just- it might not look good. He’s gonna think I suggested it. Which makes it seem like I’m just trying to get with him..” he looks uncomfortable. “You know, casually.”

Beatrice looks thoughtful for a second.

“I guess you have a point,” she says finally. “We’ll just have to make it clear to him that it was everyone’s idea. You know, like a collective thing.”

“Ok,” Peter says, but he still looks unsure. “If you really think so.”

"And maybe it would be best if you like, you know...kept your distance a bit. At the party," Beatrice says sympathetically, patting him on the arm.

“Yeah,” Peter says sadly. "I know."

“It’ll be fine, I promise. At least this time, you won’t be sitting in a bath tub with Ben.”

“With Ben, you can never count out the bath,” Peter says, and Beatrice just laughs.

When John has been officially introduced, and Ben and Freddie have left to go back outside to the tent, Peter offers him a sandwich, and the two of them sit at the table to eat lunch.

“Well, what do you think?” Peter says.

“It’s nice,” John says, taking a bit of his sandwich and looking around the flat. “Very…cozy.”

“Cozy?” Peter smirks. “I’m not sure I’ve ever heard you use that word before.”

John just shrugs.

“I call it like I see it,” he says.

“Right, yeah.”

The two of them eat in companionable silence for a few moments.

“Where’s Balthazar?” John says, casually. “I haven’t gotten to say hello to him yet.”

Peter looks at him. He knows John has been watching the videos, so he knows he doesn’t have to explain the situation.

“I dunno, somewhere,” Peter shrugs.

John just nods.

“So, about that movie,” Peter says. “How does this afternoon sound?”

“I was serious about the play practices, Peter,” John says. “You shouldn’t skip them because of me.”

“I’m not skipping them because of you,” Peter says.

“Then why aren’t you going?”

“Because...because I don’t want to,” Peter says. “Can you just leave it?”

“Ok, fine,” John shrugs. “Then I want to go see that new horror film that just came out.”

“Ugh, I new you were gonna say that.”

The sound of the flat door opening interrupts their conversation, and they both turn their heads to see who has arrived. It's Balthazar who stands there, a surprised look on his face.

“Pete,” he says, and Peter waves sheepishly at him. Balthazar shakes himself, rubs the back of his neck.  “I thought you had class today.”

“Skipped it,” Peter says guiltily, because he knows Balthazar had been trying to avoid him. He motions to John beside him.  “John’s here.”

Balthazar seems to notice him all of a sudden.

“Oh, hey, John,” he says, coming in and closing the door. “We’re happy to have you.”

“Sorry to intrude,” John says. “I know you have a lot going on.”

“No, no it’s good. It’ll be nice having you around. I know Pete’s missed you.

“It’s true,” Peter says. “I spend every waking hour moaning about how I’ve missed your dark humor and weird movie taste.”

John looks at him sideways, but he turns his attention quickly back to Balthazar.

“You wanna come see a movie with us?” he asks him.

“Oh...” Balthazar says, his face going red. “Nah, I- I really need to study. Got this big test on Friday.”

“Friday is a holiday,” John says. “That’s why I came this weekend.”

“Oh, right,” Balthazar says. He looks extremely uncomfortable. “Still. I’ve got a lot of work to do. You guys have fun though.”

With that, he walks into his room and shuts the door.

John just turns back to look at Peter, who shrugs sheepishly. 

“Wow,” John says, looking down at his sandwich as he takes another bite. “You really have fucked this one up.”

“I know,” Peter groans, and he covers his face with his hands.

Chapter Text

“So, you’re an official member of the flat now,” Kit says to John. They’re sitting on the grass after John has been officially initiated with their ridiculous, over-the-top ceremony.

“Uh, yeah, I guess so,” John says.

“Quite the honor.”

“Yeah, I recognize that the rest of you are out here sleeping in a tent. Sorry about that.”

“Kit’s a big fan of the tent, actually,” Balthazar says, pointing his thumb at him.

“Really?” John looks skeptical.

“Yes!” Kit says. “Why does everyone seem so surprised by that? It’s a freaking tent!”

Balthazar laughs and looks at John.

“You get used to him,” he shrugs, and John just nods.

Ben is now rummaging through the bushes looking for a ‘weapon.’ Apparently, he’s going to fight Freddie, who has claimed that she is the king of the flat and that Ben is simply the court jester. Freddie and Peter are narrating his actions to the camera and laughing. Balthazar, Kit and John watch Ben rummage about in the forest, snapping various twigs off of trees.

“Ben really hasn’t changed,” John says, shaking his head.

“So he’s always been like this?” Kit says. “I thought it was maybe a university thing.”

“Oh yeah, nah,” Balthazar adds in. “Ben has always been…Ben.”

“He’s cool,” Kit says. “I like his enthusiasm.”

“He’s certainly got that.” John turns back to the group. “To be honest, I never really understood how he and my brother became friends.”

“Mostly circumstances, I think,” Balthazar shrugs. John and Kit look at him, and Balthazar blushes.

“I mean, you know, childhood friends and all. They tend to stick around, even when you don’t have much in common.”

“Apparently,” John says. He turns his gaze to Balthazar. “How about you, Balthazar? How do you find living with Ben?”

This is one of Balthazar’s favorite things about John. It’s not like the two of them are best friends, but their interactions have always been friendly. Balthazar has always felt like they are somehow on the same wavelength. Because John has a way of inquiring about information that is non-direct and non-specific. It means that you can talk about things without really talking about things. And Balthazar is a huge fan of that kind of communication.

In this case, he knows John is trying to ask how he is. And specifically, how he is in relation to Peter. But John is coming at it through the lens of living with Ben, which is actually kind of genius.

“It’s…interesting,” Balthazar says. “But, I don’t know…it’s home. I can’t really imagine living anywhere else.”

John nods, as if this response is enough.

“So what else do I need to know?” he says eventually. “About being here in the flat. Besides the rules, obviously.”

“The sink in the bathroom is dumb,” Kit says. “And Freddie gets really mad if you use up all the milk.”

“Good to know,” John says. “What about, like, studying? Do you guys have quiet hours or anything?”

Balthazar laughs. John and Kit look at him in surprise.

“Sorry, it’s just, I wish,” Balthazar says. “We have group study hours, but no one ever gets anything done. I used to go to them, but now I just go to the library a lot. It’s quieter there.”

“Right, sure,” John says. He’s looking at Balthazar thoughtfully.

“I’m not in school, so, you know, doesn’t really apply to me,” Kit shrugs.

“What about Peter?” John says.

“What about him?” Balthazar asks.

“Does he come to the study groups?”

“Sometimes. I don’t know,” Balthazar shrugs. “Why do you ask?”

“It’s just that he doesn’t appear to be going to rehearsals, for the play,” John says thoughtfully. “I thought it was just because I was here, but I’m not sure it’s a recent development.”

Huh. Balthazar hadn’t known that. It did sometimes FEEL like Peter was a bit more present around the flat. But Balthazar had assumed that was just because he was always trying to avoid Peter, which then made it feel like Peter was always around. If he HAD stopped participating in the play, Balthazar didn’t know why. Personally, Balthazar would take any opportunity to get out of the flat, and he couldn’t imagine why Peter wouldn’t feel the same way.

“Uh, yeah, I dunno,” Balthazar says. Ok, now John’s perceptiveness is more annoying than helpful, and Balthazar tries to ignore the fact that his quiet stare is boring into him.

Kit seems to pick up on Balthazar’s discomfort.

“Hey, John, while you’re here, we should take you to Boyet’s,” he says. “Best coffee in Wellington.”

“I’ll second that,” Balthazar says, thankful for the interruption.

“What about bookstores?” John says. “Got any of those here?”

“I figured you’d want that,” Balthazar smiles. “There’s a few. We’ll go to one, one day this week.”

“Cool, sounds good.”

“Aha, I’ve got it!” Ben yells from the bushes. He emerges with a long stick in hand, covered in leaves. “Prepare for the fight of your life, Freddie Kingston. You’re going down.”

“I don’t think so, Ben,” Freddie retorts, brandishing her spatula. “Jesters aren’t very scary.”

“I am NOT the jester!”

The two of them start jousting back and forth while Peter laughs, and the trio on the ground just watches them, bemused expressions on their faces.

“Home, huh?” John says to Balthazar, sounding skeptical.

“Yep,” Balthazar sighs, like it doesn’t make sense to him either. “Home.”

The following day, Ben and Beatrice go on a date by the waterfront, and Balthazar chaperones.

It’s a new low for him, for sure. But he’s running out of excuses to avoid being around the flat (and therefore seeing Peter), so he’ll take any opportunity he can get.

“Let go of my hand, Bea, it’s been ten seconds. Right, Balthy?”

“Uh, yeah, right.”

“Ugh, fine,” Bea says. “But this is officially dumb.”

They’re walking along Balthazar’s favorite path, and little buds are starting to appear on the trees - the first mumblings of spring. Balthazar certainly feels pathetic, trying so hard to avoid Peter that he’s chaperoning a walk for his friends, but he can’t deny that the environment kind of makes it worth it. He’d brought his headphones, assuming that Ben and Bea would want some private time, but Ben keeps dragging him into the conversation. Which is weird and unexpected. And also really annoying.

“It’s not dumb,” Ben says. “It’s the rules.”

“Right, yeah, the rules,” Bea says, rolling her eyes. “But we totally could have done this alone. I mean, I’m sure Balthazar doesn’t really want to be here right now.”

Ben and Bea look at him, but Balthazar just shrugs.

“I don’t mind,” he says. Because, as he’s already described, he technically doesn’t.

“See?” Ben responds, gesturing towards Balthazar. “Balthy doesn’t mind. Plus, he loves the waterfront. Don’t you, Balth?”

“Yeah, yeah, I do like it,” Balthazar says. 

Beatrice looks at him skeptically.

“I’m sorry about Ben,” she says to him. “He must be a lot to live with.”

“Hey!” Ben says, laughing. “I am a pure delight. And you love me.”

Beatrice sticks her tongue out at him, but there’s a genuine smile on her face.

“I do love you,” she says, moving towards him. “So much so that I’d really like to hug you right now. For more than ten seconds.”

Ben suddenly looks nervous. Balthazar is constantly amazed at Ben’s steadfast commitment to the rules. Actually, he really doesn’t understand it at all. Sure, the rules were meant to help them all out. But this? This was crazy. He knows that Peter and Freddie had cornered Ben into the No Shenanigans rule, but this is Balthazar he’s with right now. And Balthazar doesn’t really give a shit. It would make him kind of a hypocrite, after all, because he knows that if Peter actually got his act together and figured out how to make things right, then Balthazar would sure as hell be throwing the rules out the window.

“H-How bout a group hug, then?” Ben stammers. He throws an arm around Balthazar’s shoulders as Beatrice moves in. She looks surprised…and then annoyed…and then she shoves Ben off in irritation.

There’s an awkward moment of silence, so Ben fills it by, of course, turning the situation on Balthazar, whom he still has an arm around.

“So, Balthy,” Ben says. His face is weirdly close on account of their half-hug, and Balthazar winces at his volume. “Enough about us. How’re things in your world?”

Oh, great. Did Balthazar get no thanks for chaperoning this ridiculous date?

“Life?” he says, now extricating himself from Ben as well.

“Yeah, like, how’s school going and stuff?”

“It’s…fine, I guess.”

“Have you written any new songs lately?”

Balthazar blushes.

“Uh, no, nothing new.”

“BEN,” Beatrice says, and she smiles at Balthazar apologetically. “Maybe Balthazar doesn’t want to talk.”

“Ok, fine,” Ben says. “But we have to talk about SOMETHING.”

“WE could talk,” Beatrice says purposefully, but Ben still just looks panicked and uncomfortable.

He turns back toward Balthazar with a new look of inspiration on his face.

“Oh, oh,” he says. “We’re thinking of punishing Peter, for the John thing.”

“Oh yeah?” Balthazar isn’t actually as interested as Ben might have thought in this topic, so it’s Beatrice who follows up.

“Why?” Beatrice says, her eyebrows crinkling. “I thought you all agreed to break that rule.”

“Yeah but in hindsight, that doesn’t make much sense does it?”

“None of this makes sense,” Beatrice mutters.

“What do YOU think, Balthazar?” Ben says, smiling at Balthazar hopefully.

“Huh?”

“Do you think we should punish Peter? For having John here?”

“I dunno, don’t really care I guess.” To be honest, Balthazar hasn’t really given much thought to the rules recently. Well, besides cursing their existence. He’s enjoying having John there, and ever since his privacy was violated all over the internet, he kind of hates the rules, and especially the punishments. So he doesn’t really care, as long as he doesn’t have to be a part of it.

Ben just looks at him, a mix of exasperation and disappointment on his face.

“You must care about SOMETHING, Balthy.”

Balthazar sighs.

“Just- don’t really like punishments that much I guess.”

Ben immediately looks horrified, and he rubs the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Yeah, right,” he says, cringing. “I know I already apologized, but I really am sorry about that.”

“It’s ok, Ben,” Balthazar says. Even though it’s really not.

“I can still take it down if you want.”

“Nah, it’s ok, it’s already up there. Nothing to be done now.”

The truth was, Balthazar had considered letting Ben take it down. But then he changed his mind. After all, everyone in his life had already seen it anyway.

Plus, there was a small part of Balthazar that wanted it there specifically so that Peter could see it. When Peter had first tried to kiss him, Balthazar had been furious, of course. And hurt. Very hurt. But ever since that day, he’s started re-considering Peter’s approach. Maybe he had read things wrong. Maybe Peter really had meant something more…meaningful.

But if he had meant something real, then he had better try again, because his previous attempt was just dumb . So he left the video up. Because, well, maybe Peter would watch it and realize how stupid he had been. Maybe he would see things from Balthazar’s side. And then, maybe he would start working on fixing it.

Ben, Beatrice and Balthazar are now just standing in an awkward semi-circle in the middle of the path. Ben still looks horribly guilty and uncomfortable, but Balthazar isn’t quite ready to let him off the hook yet. Finally, Beatrice steps in.

“Well, this is 100% the worst date I have ever been on,” she says. “Thanks for that, Ben.”

Ben just winces sheepishly.

If he’s being honest, Balthazar is kind of confused by his big birthday reveal. The thought is nice. After all, he HAS taken the brunt of the punishments recently, and he certainly feels like the rules have gotten a bit out of hand. But he also doesn’t really mind a lot of things about the rules. He doesn’t mind going to being at home after ten, doesn’t mind having to eat vegetarian. And most of all, of course, he doesn’t mind the fact that none of them are supposed to engage in shenanigans. Plus, he doesn’t even really like parties in the first place. They’re loud and long and getting drunk is always assumed, even though Balthazar doesn’t even like drinking that much. So all in all, this birthday surprise seems like an odd suggestion.

So who had come up with it in the first place? He can’t imagine it was Ben or Freddie, as they’re far too committed to the rules, for reasons that are unknown to Balthazar. So that leaves Peter. And if Peter had suggested it, well that was annoying. Was he seriously trying to get with Balthazar again? He hadn’t done anything to change the situation since they finished filming Stay, and it wasn’t that Balthazar was unwilling to forgive him, but he was kind of expecting Peter to do something a bit more…revolutionary. At least, more revolutionary than just suggesting a break from the rules.

And could everyone even handle a break from the rules? Like, would Peter start drinking again? Because THAT, Balthazar really didn’t want. He hated to admit it, but he wasn’t sure he trusted Peter. And really, he’d rather just do something else than have a party with no rules.

But regardless of his doubts, his friends seem to think this is an excellent idea. Even Rosa seems weirdly on board, although Balthazar suspects this has something to do with getting him to move on. She goes through the list of attractive friends she has apparently invited , doing nothing to hide her ulterior motive.

“Oh, and Fred is officially coming,” she tells Balthazar, looking happy with herself.

“Fred...Boyet?” Balthazar says.

“No, you’re roommate who already lives here. YES, Fred Boyet! I just got his confirmation last night.”

Balthazar can’t deny that he’s intrigued by the possibility of meeting THE Fred Boyet, but he also knows what Rosa is doing.

“Rosy-”

“Look, Balth, I want you to have a good time. You deserve to have a good time. You have to let this go.”

And Balthazar knows it won’t make sense to anyone, but he CAN’T do that. At least, not at this party. Because as hurt as he had been by Peter’s actions, he’s also aware that he might have misinterpreted the situation. He can’t explain it, but it just feels…like something is different. Like maybe, Peter actually means it this time. But Balthazar certainly isn’t about to do anything about it. It’s Peter’s turn to make up for what he did, and until then, Balthazar is keeping his distance. Because there’ll be no more personal humiliation on Youtube, please, until Peter officially makes up his mind.

So he can’t move on at this party. Why? Because it would hurt Peter. Balthazar knows it would. And even though all of his friends would tell him to get over it, to remember how many times Peter has hurt him, that’s exactly the issue. Balthazar knows what it feels like, and he’s not going to do it to someone else. So he can’t do anything tonight. And honestly? He doesn’t even want to.

But he can’t do anything WITH Peter either. Not unless Peter suddenly has a revelation and turns everything around. But Balthazar isn’t really holding out hope for that yet. So he enters the party with one goal in mind: avoid Peter, and maybe, if it’s even possible, have fun.

“Balthy, Balthy, Balthy,” Ben sings when Balthazar exits his room on the night of the party. “Stan the birthday man. Happy BALTHDAY to you.”

“Thanks, Ben,” Balthazar smiles. The living room looks amazing. His friends have really gone all out.

“You look great,” Rosa smiles at him. “I like the shirt.”

“Ah, yeah, thanks. It’s my favorite.”

“Balthazar, babe, this party is gonna be great. We have everything taken care of.” Meg steers him into the kitchen, where the counters are absolutely covered in bottles of alcohol.

“I helped Peter with the booze. We got all your favorites.”

Balthazar isn’t a big drinker, so he assumes she means that they got she and Peter’s favorites.

“We got beer, too,” Peter says from behind, as if he can hear Balthazar’s thoughts. Balthazar turns around to look at him. He’s wearing his going-out outfit, but he doesn’t have a drink in his hand yet, which is…a good sign? Balthazar knows his comment about getting beer is supposed to be a nice gesture (Balthazar really prefers beer), but he’s too nervous about Peter and the fact that there are no rules tonight that it doesn’t really have the intended effect.

“Nice, thanks,” he says, and Peter just nods at him.

There’s a knock at the flat door.

“Oooh, people!” Meg claps her hands. “Hang on, I got it.” She rushes out to the living room to a nswer the door, and just Peter and Balthazar are left in the kitchen.

“Happy birthday,” Peter says to him. He’s smiling, but Balthazar notices that he hasn’t moved from the doorway.

“Yeah, thanks.” Balthazar says. “Should be a fun night.”

“You deserve it. You know, after everything this year.”

Balthazar squirms uncomfortably.

“Thanks?”

“I just mean..” Peter falters. “I want you to have a good night,” he finally says resolutely, and it almost looks like he’s making a promise to himself.

“Ok. Well, thanks. I’ll try,” Balthazar says.

He’s unsure where to go from here, so he’s relieved when Chelsea and Paige come flooding into the kitchen.

“We’re heeeere!” Chelsea says. “Where’s Ben? I’m supposed to be on camera duty.”

“Sorry, Chelsea’s a bit excited about her filming responsibility,” Paige winces, smiling. She seems to sense that they might have interrupted something, but Balthazar just waves her in and gives her a hug.

“Hey, guys. Glad you could make it.”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Paige says.

“Paaaige, the camera,” Chelsea says urgently. She’s practically jumping up and down.

“Alright, yeah, I know,” she says. She turns to Balthazar. “Any idea where we could find Ben?”

“Yeah, let me help you track him down,” he says. And when they turn around to leave the kitchen, Peter is already gone.

The party starts off ok. Balthazar is even having fun. There are a lot of people there that he doesn’t know, which is uncomfortable at first, but the more beer he has, the less it really matters. Plus, everyone’s being suspiciously good about introducing him to new people. 

He meets a few of Kit’s friends and some of Paige’s as well. His friends even convince him to do a shot, which was 100% not on his agenda for the night. By the time he’s three drinks in, they’ve even gotten him to dance a little bit. Balthazar doesn’t know what’s gotten in to him, but he’s actually having a great time. And he’s hardly even thinking about Peter.

“Happy Birthday, Balth,” Beatrice says to him while they’re dancing in the living room, bringing him in for a hug.

“Thanks, Bea,” Balthazar smiles. “The party really is great.”

“I want a hug too!” Ben says, coming in for his own. He wraps his arms around him and squeezes him, then steps back and looks him straight in the eyes.

“I really am glad that you’re living here, Balth,” he says.

“Thanks, mother Ben.” Balthazar pats him affectionately on the arm.

“Me too, me too!” This time it’s Paige, and she twirls Balthazar around on the dance floor before giving him a gentle squeeze. Balthazar laughs and sips his beer. It’s been a while since he’s thought it, but: he loves his friends.

Balthazar hadn’t even realized that Peter was on the fringes of their circle, but now that hugs are being dispensed in a somewhat roundabout fashion, he becomes suddenly aware who happens to be standing next to him. Peter now has two drinks in his hand, and Balthazar is already annoyed at the prospect of dealing with him, although he isn’t even sure why. He’s just been really enjoying his night so far, and he feels certain that Peter will do something to ruin it.

The two of them look at each other for a second.

“What?” Peter laughs. “Don’t I get a hug too?”

“I guess,” Balthazar mumbles.

“What?” Peter says, motioning for him to speak louder over the music.

Given a second opportunity, Balthazar changes his mind.

“I SAID, I was just gonna go get another drink.”

“Oh, come on, Balth. We can hug. Things aren’t THAT bad, are they?”

But they are that bad. And Balthazar almost hates Peter right now, because if he doesn’t realize that, then he’s obviously smashed. Just like Balthazar had feared he would be.

“Sure, yeah, whatever, Pete,” he says. Peter pulls him in for a hug, and it feels dumb, the way Balthazar wraps his arms around him but Peter has two drinks occupying his hands. Balthazar notices Meg sitting on the couch with someone who he, miraculously, hasn’t been introduced to yet, and he spots an out.

“I’m gonna go say hi to Meg,” he says, pushing off of Peter, and he doesn’t even stop to see Peter’s expression before he’s approaching the Meg and the stranger on the couch.

“Hey, Meg,” he says.

“Balthazar!” Meg smiles up at him. “I’ve been meaning to come get you. This is Fred. Fred Boyet.”

“YOU’RE Fred Boyet?” Balthazar is surprised. He’s actually…cute. He knows Rosa had said as much, but come on, who really trusts their straight sister’s taste in men?

Fred just nods at him, smiling.

“Yep, that’s me,” he says.

“Wow. It’s great to finally meet you. I’ve been drinking your coffee practically every day for like a year. Pretty certain I would have failed a gazillion exams without that stuff.”

Balthazar isn’t normally this forward, but the alcohol is certainly helping his conversation skills.

“Glad I could help,” Fred laughs. Balthazar smiles at him.

“I’ll…leave you guys to it,” Meg smirks. She stands up and heads into the kitchen, presumably to get another drink.

“Sorry about Meg,” Balthazar says, sitting down on the couch. “Subtlety isn’t her strong suit.”

“No, no it’s fine,” Fred blushes. “I’ve been meaning to introduce myself. Rosa’s told me a lot about you.”

“Hopefully good things?” Balthazar says.

“Yeah, of course, only good,” Fred says, nodding vigorously. “She says you’re really good at music.”

“I’m alright,” Balthazar waves it off. “She probably exaggerated.”

“Well I’d love to hear some, sometime,” Fred says. Then he blushes. “Y-you know, some of your music, I mean.”

Balthazar just looks at him. He can’t believe it, but…Fred Boyet might actually be into him. It’s a possibility, definitely. A chance to move on. And Balthazar could certainly take it. In fact, it would probably be the right thing to do.

But, perhaps against his better judgment, he doesn’t. Not yet, at least.

“Yeah, maybe sometime,” he smiles. But after a few more minutes of conversation,  he ultimately stands up to go get himself another drink. 

When Balthazar finally starts getting tired, when he’s ready for the night to end, he sits down next to John on the sofa.

“You’re reading,” he says dumbly, because he’s still a little drunk.

“Yep. Stephen King.” John doesn’t even look up from his book.

Balthazar puts his chin in his hands, staring at the impromptu dance floor in the middle of the flat's living room. The people who are out there look a little bit blurry, and Balthazar’s head is spinning.

“I wish I could read in the middle of a party,” he says. “How do you concentrate with all this noise?”

John just shrugs.

“It’s more interesting than the party.”

Balthazar looks at him.

“Are you drunk?” he laughs.

“NO,” John stammers, but Balthazar smirks.

“It’s ok,” Balthazar says. “I won’t tell Peter.”

“Peter won’t care,” John shrugs. “It’s the girls I’m more worried about. Freddie is kinda scary.”

“Well I won’t tell Freddie then,” Balthazar says.

John sighs in relief.

“Thanks.”

“You don’t have to read out here you know. I won’t be offended if you leave my party early.”

John looks at him.

“You won’t, will you?” he says matter-of-factly, setting his book down.

“Nah. Honestly I’ll just be kinda jealous.”

John is quiet for a moment.

“You’re a really good guy, Balthazar,” he finally says.

“What do you mean?” Balthazar says, surprised.

“You didn’t really want this party, did you?”

Balthazar shrugs.

“Other people did. And I don’t really care. So it’s not like it’s bad or anything.”

“See? Way too good of a person.”

“Go read your book,” Balthazar says.

John stands up.

“I think I’ll just…take a drink to go,” he says sheepishly. Balthazar shakes his head in amusement as John scoots off toward the kitchen.

Paige perches on the arm of the sofa soon after John has left, dropping something onto Balthazar's head.

“Now YOU are the king of the flat, not Freddie.” She’s drunk too, by the looks of it.

Balthazar squints at himself in the camera of his phone.

“It’s beautiful,” he says. “I look like a princess.”

“Queen, not a princess,” Paige corrects. “Because you deserve to be royalty tonight.”

“You have something on your head,” Peter now says, plopping down beside Balthazar on the couch, far closer than necessary. Great.

“It’s a crown,” Balthazar says. “Paige made it. Because I’m apparently royalty for tonight.”

“Oooh, Freddie’s not gonna like that,” Peter says. “What’s she gonna say when I tell her you’ve staged a coup and taken over?”

“I imagine she’ll be pretty upset, yeah,” Balthazar shrugs.

“I can make you a crown too if you want, Peter,” Paige says.

“Nah. Too much responsibility, being royalty.”

“Who said anything about responsibility?” Balthazar says. “It’s just a joke.”

“I mean being in charge. Always having to know what to do. It’s just so dumb, right? Everyone hates you no matter what you do.”

Balthazar doesn’t know why, but this comment seriously annoys him.

“No, they only hate you when you do something wrong,” he bites back softly.

Peter blinks at him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he says.

Paige seems to sense danger.

“Peter, why don’t I take that other drink-” she says, grabbing his cup.

“Wh- Hey, that’s mine!”

But Paige keeps it in her hand, and Balthazar loves her for it.

“Mine now,” she says, taking a sip. Peter rolls his eyes, but his attention seems to have returned to Balthazar.

“Why are you upset?” Peter says. If Balthazar was in a forgiving mood, he might allow himself to consider that the look on Peter’s face is actually genuine worry. “It was just a joke.”

“I’m not upset,” Balthazar says. “I’m gonna go get another drink.” And he stands up and leaves for the kitchen.

He doesn’t see Peter for the rest of the night. Whether on purpose or not, he seems to have made himself scarce, and Balthazar is grateful for it. And while Balthazar hadn’t quite been there when he was introduced to Fred, he’s ready when Rosa’s friend Violet introduces him to Zeb. Fred had seemed too real, almost like another Peter, and Balthazar didn’t want that. Zeb is simple uncomplicated, and Balthazar is drunk and annoyed. For once in his life, he wants to choose himself. So he goes home with Zeb. Because what does he have to lose?

After his conversation with John the day after the party, Balthazar does everything he can to resist checking on Peter , staying safely sequestered in his room. He can't believe what he's done. How could he do that? Just leave like that, with a guy no less. And with things with Peter being...well, the way they were. He'd chosen to do something for himself, but he can't help but feel that it was the WRONG choice. He knows how it feels, to see someone you love with someone else, and it sucks. Big time.

And does he think Peter loves him? Maybe. He doesn't really know. He knows Peter feels SOMETHING. And it feels like it could be big. But none of that matters if he can't bring himself to tell Balthazar that to his face.

Regardless, Balthazar wants, so badly, to apologize. To tell Peter that he’s sorry, that he didn’t mean to make him feel that way. But Ben has positioned himself strategically in the living room to prevent Balthazar from doing just that, and John is still taking up residence on the couch.

Peter doesn’t emerge until late in the afternoon, when it’s finally time for John to go home.

“Balthy, John’s leaving!” Ben calls from outside his door.

“Ben, it’s fine, he doesn’t have to come out,” Balthazar hears John say.

“Well I’m sure he wants to say goodbye,” Ben says. He knocks on the door. “You in there, Stan?”

Balthazar opens it. “Yeah, I’m here,” he says.

John, Peter and Freddie are standing by the door. Peter has his sunglasses on, and he rubs his head idly, but otherwise he looks ok. Relatively unscathed. Balthazar breathes a sigh of relief.

“C’mon then, I’ll walk you down,” Peter says to John, picking up one of his bags.

“Wh- no, Peter, really, it’s fine. It’s like a million steps.”

“No, I got it. Come on, let’s just go-”

“We’ll come too!” Ben says.

“Yeah, it’s the least we can do John. You are an honorary flatmate, after all,” Freddie says.

“Really, you guys, this is not a big deal.”

“I’m walking you down,” Peter says firmly. “And I have no control over Ben and Freddie.”

Because of Peter's sunglasses, Balthazar has no idea if Peter looks his way, but he can only assume that he does. 

“Or Balthazar,” Peter says quietly.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll come down,” Balthazar nods.

John just shrugs.

“It’s your funeral,” he says.

When they reach Peter’s car at the bottom of the hill, Ben gives John a hug.

“Thanks for the good times, buddy.”

“Anytime, Ben,” John smiles, looking uncomfortable at the contact.

“Say hello to Hero and everyone for us,” Bath says to him, smiling.

John blushes.

“Will do.”

“Ok, sod off everyone,” Peter says finally. “We’re gonna be late for the airport.”

When Peter gets back, Balthazar is sitting at the table in the living room attempting to study, although it’s more like his eyes are just glazing over the pages of his textbook. Peter looks surprised to see him sitting there. He stops in the doorway, hesitates.

Finally, he runs a hand through his hair and smiles tiredly.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey.”

“How was your night?”

“Yeah. It was good, thanks.”

“And the party?”

“Also fun, yeah.”

“Good.”

Ugh, things are so awkward. Balthazar doesn’t know how they’ve gotten themselves to this point.

“I met Fred Boyet.” Balthazar has no idea why he says it, other than that it’s something to say and it’s not about Peter’s drinking or his own night with Zeb.

“Who?” Peter looks confused, and Balthazar realizes he’s forgotten how much Peter has missed of the last six months.

“You know, the guy who owns the coffee shop? The one Kit works at?”

“Oh. Yeah, right.” Peter frowns. “What’s he like?”

“He’s cool. Seems like a really nice guy.”

“Right. Nice. Well, that’s good.”

Peter comes fully into the house now, shrugging off his jacket. He looks like he wants to say something, but he walks into the kitchen instead. Balthazar hears him filling up a glass of water.

When he comes back, he has his sunglasses lifted, sitting on top of his head. He looks tired.

“How are you feeling?” Balthazar says carefully.

“I’m fine, yeah,” Peter says. He sits down at the table. “Didn’t even drink that much, really.”

“Pete.”

“Ok yeah, I feel a bit rough. Nothing I haven’t dealt with before, though.”

Balthazar is silent for a moment.

“Sorry you got so sick,” he says softly.

Peter just stares at him.

“You…shouldn’t be sorry.”

“Well I am. I’m sorry if I…you know, did anything to provoke that.”

“Balthazar, just-” Peter groans and runs his hands over his face. “Please do not say sorry. I already feel like a giant asshole without you apologizing for ridiculous things.”

“How is it ridiculous?”

“Because! Because all you did was enjoy your party. Which was the whole point. I’m the one who messed up. One night without the rules and I had to go and be a giant dick again.”

“You weren’t a dick,” Balthazar says. Peter glares at him. “You were just…a little annoying.”

“Very annoying,” Peter says. “I annoyed myself.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, a new low, I know.”

Balthazar stares at the textbook in front of him, fiddling with his sleeve.

“What is happening to us, Pete?” he says, finally.

Peter sighs.

“I don’t know,” he says. “But I hate it.”

“Me too.” Balthazar says softly. “What are we gonna do about it?”

Peter looks down at his hands. He's quiet for a moment.

"I'm working on it," he says.

Balthazar has no idea what this means. It isn't overly optimistic, but it's also more than he was expecting. So he goes to bed feeling hopeful that night. Because after all, things couldn't get much worse, could they?

Chapter Text

“Here, have a beer,” Peter says, sitting down next to John. It’s early in the night, but the majority of the guests have now arrived, and the party is finally getting underway.

John raises his eyebrows at him.

“It’s fine,” Peter says. “Mum and dad said they were cool with it, as long as I keep an eye on you.”

“Really.”

“Mhm,” he gestures the beer towards him. “Take it.”

“Thanks,” John says, looking nicely surprised.

“But don’t go crazy, ok? Just beer.”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it.”

John takes a sip of the beer and Peter smiles and shakes his head. It’s kind of fun, having a younger brother. He’d never really thought about it this way. Before, he had always seen his job as a role model to be teaching John the ‘right’ way to live his life. But that had obviously been annoying to John, and now, after the events of last year, Peter realizes how stupid that had been. Who knew what the right way to live was? Certainly not Peter. And it’s kind of fun to do the opposite: to help John navigate the parts of life that are a little bit less clear cut.

Peter turns his attention away from his brother to evaluate the crowd that has now formed in their living room. It’s a great turnout. There are a fair bit of people that Peter hasn’t met before – guests, he assumes, of Paige, Kit, and Rosa. Jaquie has shown up, and surprisingly, so has Costa, which makes Peter laugh. He watches him goad some other party guest into reading from some kind of script and shakes his head. That man really was something.

Peter’s eyes eventually find Balthazar, who’s talking to one of Paige’s friends by the window, but Peter quickly averts his gaze. This is not Peter’s night, and he’s determined to make it a good one for Balthazar. WHICH, Peter thinks, might require Peter to keep his distance, seeing as he hasn’t quite made things right with Balthazar yet. And it also means that he needs to keep his drinking in check.

“So what do you think of the party?” he says to John, trying to distract himself from Balthazar.

“I suppose it isn’t terrible.”

Peter sighs.

“I know parties aren’t really your thing,” he says apologetically.

“It’s fine, Peter. Really. I’m having fun.”

“You? John Donaldson? Having fun?” Peter shakes his head and chuckles. “I didn’t know that was possible.”

“The beer is certainly adding to the intrigue,” John says thoughtfully.

Peter just grins and clinks his bottle against his.

“Besides,” John says. “It’s for Balthazar.” Like that was all the explanation needed.

“Yeah,” Peter says. His gaze strays over to the window again. “Do you think he’s having a good time?”

“Seems like,” John shrugs.

“Yeah,” Peter says. “Yeah, I think so too. This is good. I think this whole party thing was a good idea.”

He sounds like he’s trying to convince himself, and John seems to catch the trepidation in his voice.

“Right, yeah, I think it was,” he says, looking curiously at Peter.

Peter suddenly feels very nervous. He really needs Balthazar to have a good time tonight – like, really REALLY needs it. And he knows that all that might require is Peter generally keeping a low profile. But can he really do that? All this alcohol, all these people. Peter feels like it’s a mine field in front of him, and he’s terrified of messing up.

“I- I think I’m gonna go get another drink,” he says, tugging at his collar. He can handle one more drink without going off the rails. And he thinks it might help with the anxiety, lower the stakes a bit.

John nods at him, and Peter moves off toward the kitchen, where he’s hoping he can pour another drink without anyone of importance noticing.

Two hours later, Peter spots Jaquie leaning up against the wall in the kitchen.

“Jaquie Manders,” he says, sidling up to her.

“Peter Donaldson.”

“You look positively dashing tonight.”

“I do, don’t I?” she smirks.

She doesn’t have a drink in her hand, and Peter thinks that’s kind of strange. It’s now gotten to that point in the night when, if things are going accordingly, everyone should be at least a little bit drunk. Peter certainly is. And Jaquie is usually right there with him. So he finds it strange that he finds her standing there empty handed.

Jaquie hasn’t expanded on her acceptance of Peter’s compliment, so Peter follows up.

“Well, what about me?” he insinuates.

“What about you?”

“How do I look?”

“Like a disco-tech threw up on you,” she says.

“Hey, I thought you liked this shirt,” Peter whines.

“I actually don’t think I have ever said such a thing.”

Peter just smiles at her dumbly.

“What?” she laughs at him.

“I don’t know.” Peter laughs too, although he’s not sure what at. He’s definitely drunk. “Are you having fun?”

“Yeah,” she shrugs. “Your friends aren’t as lame as they could be.”

“There’s the Jaquie Manders I love.”

She smirks at him again and then points at the drink in his right hand.

“What is that?” she says.

“Vodka soda.”

“And that?” Now pointing at the other hand.

“Beer.”

She reaches out and snatches the beer from his hand, taking a drink out of it herself.

“Hey!” he laughs.

“What? I didn’t have a drink. Now I do. I’m just being resourceful.”

Peter squints at her, because he’s having trouble seeing clearly. She really does seem weirdly put-together for this time of the night.

“Are you sober?” He says finally.

“No.”

“Well you certainly aren’t drunk.”

“You’re the one who said he didn’t want to get drunk tonight.”

Peter shrugs.

“Changed my mind. I’m allowed to do that, aren’t I?”

“Sure,” Jaquie says. She still has that joking air about her that she always has, but there’s a note of seriousness underneath it. “Just…don’t forget about why you made that decision in the first place.”

Peter knows where she is going with that and NOW IS NOT THE TIME. He’s having fun, he isn’t thinking about Balthazar, and maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe alcohol was actually all he needed. It’s loosened him up, and he’s still managed to steer clear of Balth. Maybe his drinking would end up making the night easier for both of them after all.

“Oh come on, Jaquie,” Peter says. “I don’t wanna talk about this. I’m having fun! I want YOU to have fun. Just- come dance with me.”

Jaquie looks at him skeptically.

“Alright,” she says. “But you better not embarrass me out there.”

“Never,” Peter says, but of course, proceeds to do so.

“What’d I say?” Peter says when Balthazar gets up from the sofa in a hurry. He’s talking to Paige, who is still perched on the arm of the couch.

“Nothing,” Paige says. “I think Balth just wants to…” she trails off sheepishly, and Peter knows that she sort of knows the answer, but isn’t willing to divulge Balthazar’s thoughts to him, especially not in her (also) drunken state.

“Not be around me,” Peter finishes her sentence sadly, taking another sip of his beer.

“No, I don’t think that’s it exactly,” she says, but she doesn’t expand, and Peter just watches the people dancing in front of him glumly. The whole interaction had seriously killed his alcohol high.

“No, it’s ok,” Peter sighs. “I knew he wouldn’t want to. That was actually part of my plan for tonight. I was supposed to be keeping my distance.”

Paige is looking at him so sadly that Peter feels pretty pathetic.

“You wanna go outside?” she says.

“Huh?”

But she’s already pulling him up from the couch and pushing him towards the back door.

“Yeah, let’s go outside,” she says. “Some fresh air will do us good.”

Peter doesn’t know what she’s talking about, but the cool air does feel nice on his face. It sobers him up just slightly, which makes him feel nervous. He doesn’t want to think too hard about anything that just happened.

As if she can read his mind, Paige jumps on the opportunity.

“You wanna talk about it, Peter?”

Peter stares at her. Then he gazes down the hill at the city below, sighing.

“Not really,” he says. Paige looks at him doubtfully.

“Would it help if you sang about it?” she says, with faux-seriousness. Peter laughs.

“That’s more Balthazar’s style than mine,” he says, setting his beer down on the ground and taking a seat on the back steps. Paige joins him a moment later.

“I know,” she says. “I just thought it might make you laugh.”

“Mission accomplished. Thanks.”

The two of them sit in silence for a few moments, listening to the sounds of the city below. It’s peaceful out here, and it makes Peter think of Balthazar, because his favorite part of nights out are always the walk home, in the dark, through the quiet. Peter has never really understood it, much prefers the loud and distracting environment of the club, but now he thinks he might actually get it. Because it is nice. And it’s beautiful, in it’s own kind of way. Much easier to think.

And maybe it’s the fact that his thoughts have inevitably strayed to Balthazar, the alcohol that’s flooding through his system, or (probably) a little bit of both, he decides that maybe he does want to talk. And Paige seems as good an option as any.

“It’s just- I think he hates me now, Paige,” he sighs.

“He doesn’t hate you, Peter.” She says it so quickly, so surely, that Peter knows she believes it. But how can she?

“He does! You saw him tonight. He doesn’t even want to be around me. And I don’t blame him.”

Paige is just quiet, looking thoughtfully out into the dark.

“I missed my chance,” Peter says softly. “I guess I thought…I dunno, I never really thought things would get this bad. I always thought we’d be able to turn things around. Now it feels like he’ll never forgive me.”

“Can I ask you a question, Peter?” Paige asks.

“Why not?” Peter shrugs pitifully. He’s feeling a bit sick to his stomach, now that he’s paused his drinking and allowed himself to have actual thoughts.

“What happened? With you and Balth?”

Peter looks at her.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean- what happened?” she says. “I’ve seen the videos. Why didn’t you do anything? You know, after you asked him outside?”

“I-,” Peter says. He doesn’t know how to explain it so someone like Paige, someone who wasn’t there, back when things were so different. Because they WERE different, and it had made sense at the time. It’s impossible to explain it, because at this point, it just IS.

“I know you think I’m an idiot,” he sighs. “But things were really different then. And you don’t know what it’s like, having someone like you for that long. It’s…intimidating.”

“How?”

“How could it not be? All I hear is “Balth’s liked you since year 9” and “Balthazar is so in love with Pedro.” It’s like…how do I live up to that?”

“I don’t think there’s anything for you to live up to,” Paige says. “You just have to be…you. And that in and of itself seems to make him pretty happy.”

“That hasn’t done much for me lately.”

“Well, yeah, ok, but you haven’t exactly been being YOU, have you?” she says, and Peter feels very exposed all of a sudden.

“You’re really perceptive, aren’t you?” he says to her, almost suspiciously.

“I think you’re overthinking things, Peter.” Paige lays a hand on his arm.

“No, see, that’s the problem. I’ve been so dumb for so long now that he doesn’t believe me, when I try to be genuine.”

Paige looks thoughtful.

“Do you love him?”

“I-“ Peter says. “I don’t know. Maybe. Something like that, at least.”

“Then it’ll all work out eventually.”

Peter takes another drink.

“You sound like Balthazar.”

“Well he is a pretty smart guy, after all.”

She stands up and grabs Peter’s hand.

“Come one, let’s go back and enjoy the party.”

“You know what, Ben?” Peter says. Many of the party guests have started to leave by this point, and Peter and Ben are standing in the kitchen. Peter thinks Ben has started to clean up, but he’s so drunk by this point that he can’t really be positive about much of anything anymore.

“What?” Ben says. He glances over at Peter with a friendly smile on his face, but his attention seems to be primarily focused on the dishes he’s washing in the sink.

“I am so happy.”

“I’m glad.”

“No, you don’t get it, like, I am so. Fucking. Happy,” Peter says. “I’m here at school, with my friends, completely free of any baggage and responsibilities. What more could I want?”

“A million dollars would be nice,” Ben says thoughtfully.

“Alright, fine, BESIDES a million dollars,” Peter says. His tongue feels weird. Did that make sense, what he just said?

“I guess you’re right. There is absolutely nothing else in the world that you could desire, Pete.”

Peter catches a hint of sarcasm in Ben’s voice, but he pretends he doesn’t notice it.

“See? Told you,” Peter grins. But suddenly, he doesn’t feel so good. The floor and the ceiling are weirdly hard to tell apart, and before he knows it, he’s puking on Ben’s shoes.

“Oh-kaaaaay,” Ben says, jumping back and cringing in discomfort. “Gross. Let’s-uhhh let’s just get you to the bathroom, mate.”

“Let me help you with that.” It’s Rosa, peeking her head into the kitchen from the living room.

“I’m fine,” Peter groans, wiping off his mouth. “All good.”

“See Rosa? He says he’s fine.”

“Obviously,” Rosa says, rolling her eyes. She slips Peter’s arm around her shoulder and starts leading him into the bathroom, while Ben grabs his other arm and throws it over his own.

“Where’s Balthazar? Peter mutters. The world is seriously spinning now, and he would very much like to sit down.

“He left,” Rosa says, not entirely coldly, but not nicely either.

“Left,” Peter harumphs. “With that guy. Who was that guy?”

“Just a guy.”

“A guy. A great guy probably. Why can’t I be a great guy?”

“You are a great guy, buddy,” Ben says, as they set him down on the bathroom floor next to the toilet.

“Phh, right,” Peter laughs. “Not to Balthazar.”

“Maybe if you weren’t such a dickhead.”

“Rosa,” Ben scolds.

“What? You have to be an idiot to not be able to get Balthazar, especially when he’s already in love with you.”

“He did love me,” Peter says. “A lot. So much. But he doesn’t love me anymore.”

“Good grief. Ben, I got this,” Rosa says, as Peter throws up into the toilet once again.

“I can help-“

“Go be with your girlfriend, you idiot.”

Ben rubs at his neck sheepishly. He looks guilty, but he seems to seriously consider her offer.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” says Rosa in frustration. “Go.”

“Yeah Ben, go,” Peter says from the toilet. “Rosa and I got this. We’re the dream team.”

Ben looks at him worriedly, but he seems to decide that the situation is handled, because he does eventually leave.

"Drink this,” Rosa says, after she’s ushered Peter onto his bed. She hands him a glass of water and waits until he’s chugged the whole thing, plopping back down onto his covers.

“I feel like shit,” Peter says.

“Yeah well, that’s what happens when you drink almost an entire handle of vodka.”

“You don’t have to do this,” Peter squints at her from under the arm he has thrown across his face. “Why ARE you doing this?

“Because it’s what Balthazar would want,” she says simply. “And you should know that.” This, a little more softly.

“He’ll be happy you took over,” Peter groans. “One less time he has to take care of me.”

“For some insane reason I actually think he likes it,” Rosa says. “Beats me why. I personally don’t find it particularly entertaining."

“Yeah,” Peter says. “Me either.”

Rosa gets up and gets ready to turn off the light, but she seems to stop herself at the last second.

“He doesn’t hate you, you know,” she says. Peter doesn’t move, just listens quietly from where he’s lying on the bed, trying to keep the room from spinning. “Just- figure your shit out, Peter. He’ll still be there when you do. Even if he shouldn't be.”

And with that, she turns off the light.

Peter opens the door of his room the next morning to see John sitting on the couch, reading.

“Ow,” Peter says, squinting in the light and rubbing his head.

John waves a hand toward the kitchen, not even looking up from his book.

“Freddie left you waffles.”

Peter shuffles into the kitchen. His stomach turns at the sight of the waffles on the counter, so he just gets down a glass and fills it with water instead. He returns to the living room, taking a seat on the couch beside John. A vague memory of John pouring vodka into a glass of juice in the kitchen suddenly floats into his mind.

“How much did you drink last night?” he crunches his eyebrows together.

“A little.”

Peter just looks at him doubtfully.

“What? You said I could.”

“I said not to go crazy.”

“Well you also said you were supposed to be keeping an eye on me.”

Ouch. Well, he had a point. Peter had honestly lost track of John about an hour after he’d he’d made that promise.

“Fine. Touché. But no one tells mum and dad.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Peter looks around the flat and rubs his eyes. The place is surprisingly clean after last night. Someone must have tidied up. It’s also eerily quiet. No one besides John seems to be around.

“Where is everyone?” he says.

“Freddie and Ben went to get coffee. Balthazar is studying.”

Peter looks over Balthazar’s closed door in curiosity.

“Where?” he says, dread and a little bit of fear creeping into his voice.

“Dunno. His room, I think?”

“Oh.”

Peter closes his eyes and hopes to God that isn’t true.

“You should really eat those waffles. I have to be at the airport in like an hour.”

“Shit.”

“Balth in a bath, Balth in a bath, na na na na na na na na Balth in a bath.” 

The sound of Ben’s laptop audio grates on Peter’s ears from the living room. Peter has taken to leaving his bedroom door open while he studies on the off-chance that anyone (Balthazar) might want to talk, but he’s beginning to regret this decision, as Ben is becoming seriously annoying.

The mid-semester break is coming up, which means one thing in particular: exams. Everyone in the flat has been glued to their books for the past few days, and although group study hours aren’t really a thing anymore, no one is studying entirely alone either. It would be impossible, really, considering how much everyone is studying in the first place. Peter even catches Freddie with her nose in a book while she pours a bowl of cereal one morning, and that kind of environment certainly enforces a sort of flat camaraderie.

Balthazar has of course retreated into study land, but to Peter’s pleasant surprise, he’s been doing most of it at the flat. And what’s even more surprising, he’s started leaving the door to HIS room open as well. Their conversation after the party seems to have cleared the air between the two of them a bit, but Peter suspects Balthazar's newfound openness stems primarily from his awareness that his flatmates fear a recurrence of his freakout last semester. Peter, at least, is greatly appreciative. It would be a whole lot harder to focus on his work if he was constantly worrying about Balthazar. And he likes being able to hear Ben go in there and offer Balthazar water ten times a day. It’s pretty hilarious, actually.

Ben, on the other hand, has a whole different problem.

“Ben,” Peter hears Balthazar say from the living room. He is apparently also finding Ben’s noise incredibly distracting, as it sounds as if he’s exited his room to talk to him. “Do you think you could possibly turn that down? Or better yet, put headphones in?”

“Oh yeah, sure thing, Balthy,” Peter hears Ben say. “Or, hey, you could help me edit! I’m working on the Balth in a Bath videos.”

“I can hear,” Balthazar says. Peter doesn’t know how Balthazar can still be so polite, because Peter currently feels like punching Ben in the face, he's getting so annoying. But he doesn't really want to be that guy.

“Aren’t you supposed to be studying for Latin?” Peter hears Balthazar say.

“I’m studying,” Ben says defensively. “Just in a different sense.”

“Yeahhh, editing isn’t studying.”

“It’s 1000% more fun though. You wanna join? It’d be really cool…”

“I’ll think about it,” Balthazar says.

“But-

Peter can’t resist any longer.

“BEN,” he yells from his room, still staring at the textbook on his desk. “Just turn that stuff down and let Balthazar study already.”

“I’m sorry?” Ben says playfully. “I didn’t catch that from ALL THE WAY OVER HERE.” 

Peter sighs, standing up from his desk. He knows Ben is trying to lure him into distracting him from his studying, but Peter can’t resist it any longer. And it’s not like he’s getting much done anyway, what with Ben blabbering on.

Balthazar has already retreated into his room when Peter emerges, and Ben is staring up at him expectantly.

“I SAID, leave Balthazar alone, Peter says. “He’s right, anyway. You need to study. Where are your Latin flashcards? I’ll help you.”

“They’re on the floor.”

Peter looks at him in exasperation.

“Why?” he says.

“I don’t know, they fell.”

Peter groans and sits down on the couch.

“I THINK you should take a break from the editing.”

“I can’t, though! The viewers need content. Unless Balthazar helped…”

“Re-reading the Odyssey,” Balthazar calls from his room, and Ben crosses his arm, a grumpy pout on his face.

“Stupid Odyssey,” he says.

“Look, Ben,” Peter sighs. “If I agree to help you edit, do you promise me you’ll study? Just for like, an hour.”

“Really?” Ben perks up. “YOU would help me edit?”

“Sure, whatever,” Peter shrugs. “It’s my channel anyway.”

“Barely,” Ben says, and Peter glares at him.

“Do you want my help or not?”

“Fine. Yes, but only if you let me edit with you.”

“No. That completely defeats the point.”

“But whyyyy, it’ll be fun! Like the last time we edited a video together!”

Peter wouldn’t actually describe that night as fun, exactly. More like emotional and overwhelming and maybe just a little bit terrifying. But it had certainly been an experience, one he is sure he won’t forget.

But Peter stays strong.

“No! Sit on that couch and study.”

Ben pouts, but he does eventually follow Peter’s direction, and Peter opens his laptop to take a stab at the video.  

It actually is kind of fun, editing. Peter hasn’t edited a video in a long time, not since he helped Balthazar upload New Beginning. Sure, it’s a little embarrassing, watching he and Balthazar goofing off in the tub. But it’s also nice…sentimental, almost. They really did have a lot of fun together.

And there’s something else about watching the videos too. At the time, Peter remembers trying very hard to distance himself from Balthazar, but also feeling like he was failing horribly. He had thought it must have been obvious to Balthazar, the fact that Peter was attracted to him. But now, watching the videos back, he’s suddenly aware that he might not have been as obvious as he’d thought. And maybe THAT’s why his attempt to regain contact after Stay had been read the wrong way. Balthazar wasn’t really aware of the depths of his feelings in the first place, all because Peter had never actually been very clear.

“It’s been an hour, let me help now,” Ben says from the other couch. He’s been watching Peter intently the entire time, just waiting for the moment he can jump back in."

“It’s been 20 minutes.”

“Come onnnnn,” Ben says. He slides off of the couch and onto the floor, splaying his Latin cards out around him.

“Get up,” Peter says unforgivingly. “You still have 40 minutes left.”

“I cannot,” Ben says. “I am unable to move due to exams and more exams forever and ever and- Peter stop typing out everything I’m saying. Ugh, Peter!”

But Peter just smiles.

“Study,” he says, and Ben glares at him, but ultimately starts gathering up the flash cards..

It’s such an interesting mix of fun, enlightening, and uncomfortable, editing the videos, that Peter continues going through the footage even after Ben has completed his hour of studying and gone off to hang out with Beatrice somewhere. He’s lost in thought considering the implications of Balthazar’s attestation that he was “buff,” when Balthazar comes out of his room and perches on the back of the sofa behind him.

“What are you doing?” he says.

Peter jumps. 

“Oh, it’s you,” he says, putting a hand to his chest. “I thought you were Ben, coming to officially swear off studying for all time.”

“Nope, just me.”

“I’m just helping Ben out with his editing,” Peter says, pointing at the laptop. “You know, so he’ll actually study instead of just procrastinating all the time.”

“The Balth in a bath videos?”

“The very ones.”

Balthazar seems thoughtful for a moment. Peter is very aware of how close they are sitting, but tries to look normal and maintain his gaze on the computer.

“Can I see?” Balthazar suddenly says.

Peter is surprised, but not necessarily displeased.

“Uh,  yeah, sure,” he stammers, and he presses play.

If it was weird watching the videos by himself, then it’s even weirder watching them back with Balthazar. Peter feels very tense while it plays, trying hard not to turn around and examine every one of Balthazar’s reactions. Suddenly, he hears Balthazar let out a short chuckle from behind him, and he turns around to look at him.  

“Sorry,” Balthazar says, laughing again. “It’s just- I can’t believe we actually got my keyboard in that bathtub.”

“The banjo is also particularly impressive,” Peter points out. “I didn’t even know you had this many instruments.”

“I do have quite the collection,” Balthazar grins. “Do you really think people will watch these?”

“Ironically, we discuss just that fact in one of the videos.”

“And did we reach a conclusion?”

“No…we don’t really reach any conclusions about anything, to be honest. I’ve never realized our conversations are so…”

“What?” Balthazar laughs.

“Nonlinear? Or nonsensical, take your pick.”

“They make perfect sense to me,” Balthazar shrugs, and Peter just grins at him.

“Also,” Balthazar says. He sits down next to Peter on the couch now, and Peter’s heart speeds up, even though Balthazar isn’t even touching him. “I can’t believe how close you’re sitting to me in that tub. You’re practically squishing me into the wall.”

“I can’t help it,” Peter shrugs. Balthazar looks at him a little uncomfortably, and Peter knows he should pull back, but fuck it. Peter isn’t backing down now.

“What?” he says.

Balthazar goes red.

“Nothing.” He stares down at his hands.

Peter almost decides to pursue the conversation, but something is still holding him back. So he changes the subject.

“How’s the studying going?” he asks, shutting the laptop.

“Good, good,” Balthazar nods. “I think I’m ready for a break, actually.”

“A break?” Peter says. “Balthazar Jones, I can’t believe you.”

Balthazar grins.

“What can I say, I guess I’ve learned a little something from you all after all.”

“How bout a sandwich?” Peter says.

“A sandwich sounds great.”

Peter continues working on the sonnet. In the aftermath of the party, he’s even less sure that it will be anywhere near enough, but he keeps writing it anyway, because it’s the only idea he has. It seems like a monumental task to accomplish, summiting this mountain that’s grown between he and Balthazar, but after their interactions over the past few days, he's feeling a bit more optimistic. So he keeps on.

Beatrice spots him with it while they’re playing sardines. He’s staring at his phone in the dark waiting for the stupid game to be over, going over the (mostly) finished product in his head.

“What’s that?” she says, popping up behind him.

“Shit, you scared me," Peter jumps, shutting off his phone and sticking it back into his pocket. "It's nothing."

“Certainly doesn't SEEM like nothing.”

“It’s just homework. Some assignment for class. We have to write a sonnet.”

“Oh yeah...you mean like the one Ben wrote about the hat?”

“Yeah,” Peter says. “Same assignment.”

“Ben said he turned his in last week.”

“Well, yeah, I turned mine in too.”

“Well then why are you working on it?”

“Because I-“ for some reason, and Peter really isn't sure why, he decides to just tell her the truth. Maybe because he's tired of keeping it a secret, and maybe just because now that he has the sonnet, he has no idea what to do with it next.

“I wrote it for Balthazar,” he says.

“NO. WAY,” Beatrice says loudly, and Peter shushes her.

“Shut up! The last thing I need is for Ben to hear about this. He’ll have a field day.”

“Sorry,” she says. “It’s just- a sonnet, Peter? I didn’t know you had that in you.”

“I don’t,” he says. “It sucks.”

“Well that was kind of a given,” she says. Peter glares at her, and she laughs.

“No, I just- who can actually write a GOOD sonnet?”

“Definitely not me,” Peter says.

“Has Balthazar seen it yet?”

“What do you think, Bea? Does it SEEM like he’s had an incredibly romantic and cheesy sonnet read to him in the last 24 hours?”

Beatrice thinks about it for a second.

“Ok, no, I guess not,” she says. “So when are you gonna give it to him?”

“I don’t know,” Peter sighs. “I’m not really sure on the delivery method. And I still don’t even know if it’s good enough.”

“Oh who cares,” she says. “This is SO Balthazar. I honestly can’t believe you came up with it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I just mean…I don’t know, I really feel like it could work.”

“Really?” Peter is looking at her incredulously. He feels like the sonnet is a long shot, but if Beatrice thinks he has a shot, well...it's certainly encouraging.

“DUH.”

“Huh.”

Peter mulls this new bit of information over.

“Well, come on, read it to me, then,” Beatrice says, gesturing toward his phone. Peter just looks at her incredulously.

“What? No!”

“Why not? Then I can tell you if it sounds stupid or not.”

“I can’t, it’s- it’s way too cheesy and gross. You’ll just laugh.”

“Peter, I am offended,” she says. “I will not laugh.”

“That is 100% something you would do.”

“OK, fine, I promise not to laugh.”

Peter considers it.

“Fine,” he. “But it’s sentimental as fuck."

Chapter Text

“So if you were Ben, where do you think you would hide?” Kit says. They’re playing sardines, and even though there technically aren’t supposed to be any teams, Kit and Balthazar had unofficially teamed up at the very beginning. They aren’t putting that much effort into the game anyway. Balthazar doesn’t really have his heart in the flat challenges anymore, and weirdly enough, Kit doesn't seem to either. 

“I dunno, probably in a tree or something,” Balthazar shrugs.

“Really?” Kit looks at him.

“Wouldn’t surprise me.”

“Well that’s it then, because I really don’t feel like climbing any trees.”

Balthazar looks at him. He really does seem oddly grumpy. For Kit, at least. He’s usually incredibly positive about whatever is going on. But Balthazar thinks he knows what it has to do with.

“Was that Freddie, on the phone?” he says casually. Balthazar knows they have a thing, he and Freddie, even if Kit has never told him directly. He knows Ben would have a fit if he found out, and maybe that’s why Balthazar hasn’t said anything. Plus, unlike Ben, he doesn’t really care. In fact, he finds Kit and Freddie to be sort of endearing. But he’s also recently gotten the sense that the rules are putting as much of a strain on their relationship as they are on everyone else’s. 

“Yeah,” Kit sighs. “I really don’t understand this whole thing. You know, with them and the rules. I mean, it was kinda funny in the beginning. But now? It’s just getting really annoying.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Balthazar says, kicking at a stone on the ground.

“Really?” Kit looks surprised. “You agree?” 

“I mean kind of, yeah,” Balthazar says. “I dunno, like, the flat challenges are fun and all, but I didn’t really anticipate getting…punished so much.”

“Exactly!” Kit says. “So it’s just Ben and Freddie, then, doing some weird competitive thing. I wish they’d just give it up already.”

“Not likely,” Balthazar says.

“Well if you don’t like the rules either, then have you thought anymore about what John said?”

Balthazar looks at him.

“You mean about moving out?”

Balthazar has thought about it. It’s not the first time the thought has crossed his mind, of course, but John had made some good points. For one thing, he pointed out that the situation was making BOTH Peter and Balthazar unhappy. Balthazar had never really thought about it from Peter’s side before. But now that he had, it did seem like it would be particularly painful, trying to figure out your feelings for someone and how to make things right while also having to live with them. In a way, Peter’s recent blunders weren’t even his fault. If he had enough space, maybe he would have more time to collect himself, figure out the next move. It was certainly a thought. 

But there’s another piece to the puzzle. The flat is Balthazar’s HOME. Has been for the past several months. And as unfriendly as it has seemed at times, it’s where he’s settled in. Moving to a whole new place, without his friends…it’s intimidating. And he’d like to avoid it if he can.

“I know you’re gonna think I’m crazy,” Balthazar says to Kit. “But I just…the flat is home. I like my room, and my bed, and my couch…Why do I have to move out? I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“You don’t HAVE to move out,” Kit says. “You GET to move out. Think of it as seizing an opportunity. An opportunity for a better life.”

Balthazar hesitates.

“I don’t have anywhere to go, anyway.”

“Sure you do. You can come stay at vegan Fred’s with us. At least temporarily.” 

Vegan Fred’s? As lovely as Beatrice and Meg have made that place sound, Balthazar figures that’s partially due to the fact that, up until now, they’ve been sleeping on the ground in a tent. Plus, back at his party, he’d gotten a vibe from Fred. Like maybe he was interested in him. And not that that wasn’t flattering, but…it might be awkward for Balthazar to stay there. Or at least, it would feel a little bit like he was taking advantage of any feelings Fred may or may not have.

“I dunno,” Balthazar says. “I’d have to move all my stuff and everything…”

“There’s only like a week left in the semester,” Kit points out. “Just bring a few things and then move the rest of it after the break, once you figure things out.”

Kit is making too much sense, and Balthazar is running out of excuses. So finally, he throws out the last variable: the one that is, admittedly, what is primarily keeping him from taking Kit up on his offer.

“I just think Peter needs a little more time,” he says sheepishly. “I think he’s almost there. It would hurt him if I left now.”

“Oh come on, Balthazar,” Kit says, and again, Balthazar is struck by how uncharacteristically cynical he is being right now. “How much time are you gonna give him?”

“I really think he is, though,” Balthazar says thoughtfully. “You saw him after the party. Not that I’m glad he was upset but…he obviously feels SOMETHING.”

“Feeling is very different from doing,” Kit says, crossing his arms.

It sometimes feels so hard for Balthazar to explain he and Peter to his friends. Everyone constantly seems to think that they’re never on the same page, like they just need to TALK about their issues. But in reality, that’s never been their problem. Unlike, say, Beatrice and Ben, much of Peter and Balthazar’s relationship has been unspoken. It's somewhat born out of circumstance. For years, Peter hadn’t been out, and the two of them had had to navigate growing feelings without explicit conversations, until Peter was ready to talk about it. It has fostered a sense of unspoken understanding between the two of them that Balthazar loves. They GET one another, no explanations needed. It’s what he had been trying to explain to Freddie all those weeks ago.

Now, to be fair, they aren't always on the same page. Certainly, the previous semester had been incredibly confusing.  But even then, that was because Peter was being confusing on PURPOSE. He was disrupting their connection, deliberately throwing Balthazar off his scent. But for the most part, the two of them understand each other. In fact, Balthazar can’t help but feel that as of now, they’re both entirely on the same page. It’s the timing part that they can never seem to figure out. 

“He said he was working on something,” Balthazar says quietly, because that’s all of this jumble of thoughts that he can really manage to put into words. 

“On what?” Kit says skeptically.

“I don’t know.” Balthazar sighs. Because he doesn’t.  “I just think he needs more time.”

“You can’t give him forever, Balth.”

“I know,” Balthazar shrugs. “But I can give him a bit more, right now.”

Kit just shakes his head and looks up into the tree nearby, a half-hearted attempt to return to the game.

“You wanna talk about Freddie?” Balthazar says.

“Nah,” Kit says. “Let’s just keep looking.” 

From: Balthazar

I’m staying at vegan Fred’s. 

Just for a bit. 

“Balthazar,” Kit says from beside him. Balthazar presses send and slips his phone back into his pocket. He hasn’t said anything since he and Kit left the flat. He feels numb. And worse, horribly embarrassed. Peter’s rejection had hurt, but Balthazar is more mortified that it was Peter who had to point out that now wasn’t the right time, that him leaving then wouldn’t fix anything. Balthazar, on the other hand, was too weak. He just wanted it all to stop. Yet even when Peter was struggling, he still seemed to be stronger and braver than Balthazar. And Balthazar loves that about him, even if he doesn't like it about himself.

Kit stops walking and puts a hand on Balthazar’s shoulder, turning him around.

“Hey, Balthazar. Come on, man.”

Kit’s voice is soft, and it immediately makes Balthazar feel like he’s going to cry. He tries to hide the shakiness in his own voice.

“What?”

“I just wanna make sure you’re ok.”

“I’m fine,” Balthazar says, wiping his eyes. Kit looks at him sympathetically, but he doesn’t press.

“You sure you want to come to vegan Fred’s? You can go back if you want, talk to Peter. I don’t think he really cares about the rules anyway.”

“No, I- Yeah, I want to come. John was right. Maybe it’s not so good, me being there. With Peter, you know.”

Kit looks thoughtful for a moment.

“I just wanna make sure that you aren’t making a decision too soon,” he says.

Balthazar takes a deep breath.

“No,” he says. “You were right. Everyone was right. I don’t know what we were thinking living together. We both just need some space. Rules or no rules.”

Balthazar takes out his phone and looks at his message to Peter one more time. He hopes it doesn’t sound too mean. He really is trying to do what’s best for both of them. Distance might be helpful, after all.

Peter hasn’t responded.

“Kit!” Vegan Fred says, opening the door of his flat. When he notices Balthazar, his expression turns to one of pleasantly surprised confusion. “Balthazar?”

“Balthazar here wanted to see whether this place lives up to the hype,” Kit says, putting his hands on Balthazar’s shoulders.

Balthazar just smiles and waves at Fred sadly.

“Hey, Fred.”

Fred seems momentarily flustered, but he shakes himself and opens the door wider, beckoning them both inside.

“Well come in, come in,” he says. “Your friends just got here a few minutes ago. I must admit that they seem…a little upset.”

“I’m sure that’s an understatement,” Kit says. “But I appreciate it, man. Unfortunately, Balthazar and I are not much better.”

“Oh no,” Fred says, with genuine sympathy. “Well, I- what can I do to help? Hot chocolate, maybe! Or...maybe some vegan refreshments?”

“Refreshments sound good,” Kit nods, rubbing his stomach. “How bout it, Balthazar?”

“Yeah, sounds nice.”

Fred smiles.

“I’ll get right on it. Your friends are just in there, if you want to say hello.”

Kit waves gratefully at him as he and Balthazar move into the living room area.

“Balthazar!” Meg yells when she sees him, jumping up from the couch. “What are you doing here? Is everything ok?”

“We decided to join you guys,” Kit says. “Stuff was a little too…much, back at the flat.”

Meg nods vigorously and gives Balthazar a hug.

“I’m so glad you came to your senses and realized what a bunch of idiots they all are.”

“Meg,” Kit scolds.

“What?” she says. “I know you agree.”

But Kit just rolls his eyes and sits down on the couch.

“Come on,” Meg says to Balthazar. “Have a seat.”

“What did Ben say, when you left?” Beatrice says, before she’s even said hello.

“He said it would be breaking the rules.”

Beatrice’s eyes darken.

“Right. That dick.”

“It’s ok though, really,” Balthazar says. “I’m not actually mad at any of them. I just...needed some space for a bit. Besides, I wasn’t getting much studying done there anyway.”

“You need a LOT of space,” Meg says. “Try miles of space. Let those idiots realize what they’re missing.”

“Uh huh,” Balthazar says. But he doesn’t really mean it.

“I’ve got the hot chocolate!” says vegan Fred, coming in from the kitchen, and Balthazar gives his best shot at a smile. Because hot chocolate does sound pretty good.

Vegan Fred’s is…nice, in its own kind of way. It’s certainly a lot quieter than the flat. Balthazar is getting a lot of studying done. Plus, there’s good food and old friends and also no rules. So all in all, there isn’t much to complain about.

Well, besides the fact that there’s no Peter. But isn’t that technically a pro too? It was supposed to be, at least. That’s the whole reason Balthazar is here, sleeping in a strange bed, with not even a ukulele to keep him company. But despite his best efforts, it still feels like a major con. So he puts the no Peter aspect in both the pro and con columns and just leaves it at that.

Peter had texted him back, late in the evening after Balthazar left.

From: Peter

I’m glad you’re ok.

I’m sorry.

Do you want to talk?

But Balthazar doesn’t. They both know what needs to happen next, and it's nothing that Balthazar can do. So he switches off his phone after that. 

Balthazar would like to say that he keeps busy, but mostly he just studies in the guest room that he shares with Kit. Without the loud noises of the flat, there isn’t as much to distract him from his work, so he spends the long hours of his day revising on his bed, doing everything he can to keep from looking at his phone.

He avoids it for as long as he can, but eventually, he really needs his stuff. He’s running out of shirts, and now is really not the time to be without his guitar. As great as vegan Fred’s is, it’s still missing the music.

He waffles about for quite some time, trying to decide on the right tactic. Maybe Kit could go. Or Bea? But Balthazar shakes his head. Neither of them will agree. And why would they? They don’t need any stuff in the first place.

So he decides it’s he who must make the journey, and he prepares himself to slip out without anyone knowing. He really doesn’t need Beatrice to find out. She’ll be infuriated that he’s going at all, and Balthazar really just doesn’t feel like dealing with that right now.

He’s worried about who will be there when he arrives. If he gets lucky, the place will be empty. But if they’re there? Well, things will be awkward. He hasn’t exactly had a fight with any of them, but he knows they’ll be hurt, and probably confused. It feels like he’s walking into an inevitable long conversation, one that he really doesn’t feel like having.

And if Peter is there? Balthazar’s plan is to act as if nothing has happened. It’s what they’ve been doing a heck of a lot of so far, and, technically speaking, it hasn’t made anything WORSE necessarily. Well, maybe that isn’t true. But Balthazar doesn’t really feel like he has any other option. 

He’s halfway out the door when a voice pops up behind him. 

“Where are you going?” Meg says, and Balthazar freezes.

“Oh uh, just gonna- you know, grab a quick coffee,” he stammers, turning around slowly.

“There’s coffee here,” Meg says, narrowing her eyes. “AND it’s Boyet’s.”

“I know,” Balthazar says, trying to keep his face from going red. “I just…wanted the walk.”

“You were going to go over to the flat, weren’t you?” Meg says, folding her arms.

Balthazar knows he’s been caught, so he gives in quickly. Besides, this is Meg. She doesn’t, technically speaking, have as much of a direct personal connection to the situation, so maybe she’ll let him off easy. 

“Fine,” he says, sighing. “It’s just- I really need my stuff. I didn’t even bring my headphones with me when I left. It was a pretty quick exit.”

Meg looks like she wants to argue, but she seems to decide otherwise at the last moment. She glances over her shoulder, as if to make sure that Beatrice isn’t behind her.

“Just- don’t let Beatrice find out,” Meg says quietly. “And bring my camera, if you can find it.”

Balthazar is immediately so grateful for her.

“Will do,” he says. “And thanks.”

He starts through the door when he hears Meg shout from behind him. 

“Oh, and tell those dickheads that I hate them!”

When Balthazar gets back to vegan Fred’s, he manages to make it inside the front door unnoticed. But he’s forgotten about the fact that he shares a bedroom in this house, and Kit happens to also be occupying it.

“Where were you?” he says curiously when Balthazar walks in. Balthazar must be extraordinarily predictable if it’s that concerning to find him gone in the middle of the afternoon. He might need to work on that.

“Just needed to grab some stuff,” he says.

“You went to the flat?” Kit raises his eyebrows.

“That’s where the guitar was, after all,” Balthazar shrugs.

“Wow,” Kit says. “I think I might actually be proud of you.”

Balthazar laughs.

“Thanks, Kitso.”

He starts taking off his shoes and pulling out his guitar. He knows it's only been a few days, but God, he’s missed it. As soon as his fingers are back on the frets he feels 1000 times calmer than he’s felt all week.

“So?” Kit says.

Balthazar looks at him, still plucking at his guitar.

“So what?”

“What was going on? At the flat?”

Balthazar sighs. He still doesn’t really understand what he’d walked in on. And to be honest? He doesn’t want to think too hard about it. Something about play practice and knighting and some mega speech about responsibility (which, Balthazar has to admit, was very nicely phrased). Oh, and also the part about Jaquie. Which had been unfortunately timed.

But Balthazar had known about Jaquie, of course. Well, he hadn’t KNOWN, but he’d always kind of assumed something had happened. He’d just never known the extent of it. Frankly, he hadn’t cared to figure it out. Why would he? Peter had a lot of casual hookups, and he certainly never introduced Jaquie as a girlfriend. So what was it to Balthazar anyway, whether he and Jaquie were together? Peter was, after all, a free man. And even if it had hurt seeing him with other people, Balthazar had always found some kind of comfort in the face that they always seemed to be, well...casual. And all that that entailed.

But the look on Peter’s face when he realized Balthazar had overheard. Well, that definitely wasn't casual. And Balthazar had hated it of course, seeing Peter so sad. But it had also given him hope. Come on, Pete, he thinks. You're so close. Just get your act together and DO something already. 

Yet, regardless of what went down, it’s clear that things at the flat are still a mess, and nothing big has really changed. Not yet.

“Nothing,” Balthazar says to Kit. “Just a lot of studying. You wanna have a coffee?”

And that’s that.

A day or two after Balthazar retrieves his things, Beatrice knocks on his bedroom door.

“We’re making brownies,” she says from the doorway. “Wanna join?”

“Nah, I gotta study,” Balthazar says.

“You sure?” she says. “It’ll be a great way to make those dumbasses jealous…”

Balthazar looks at her exasperatedly.

“I don’t...actually want to make them jealous though,” he says.

“Why the heck not?” she says, but Balthazar just rolls his eyes. It throws Beatrice off, he can tell. She isn’t used to him being disagreeable. 

“Well how about after you finish studying?” she says. 

“Mm, might be a while. I have a lot to get done.”

Beatrice sighs.

“Ben warned me about this,” she says, coming in and sitting on Balthazar’s (guest) bed.

“What?”

“The fact that you tend to freak out about school.”

“I don’t freak out,” Balthazar says defensively. “I just take it seriously, that’s all.”

“You and Hero always did have that in common,” Beatrice smiles.

“Yeah,” Balthazar sighs. “I miss her.”

“She misses you too. Everyone in Auckland does.”

Auckland. God, Balthazar misses it. What he wouldn’t give to be back in his childhood bedroom, hanging out with his siblings and listening to music with his friends. Or maybe going for a drive with Peter, like back in year 12.

Beatrice seems to sense Balthazar’s line of thought.

“You wanna talk about it?” she says.

Balthazar attempts to change the subject.

“Do YOU wanna talk about BEN?”

“Of course not.”

Balthazar just looks at her.

“Ok, fine,” she says. “He’s a giant idiot who is absurdly obsessed with some made up rules that don’t even make sense. What more is there to say?”

“Maybe he’s scared,” Balthazar shrugs.

“Scared? Scared of what?” Beatrice says exasperatedly.

“I dunno. Failing his classes? Being apart from you? Failing his friends? Take your pick.”

“Failing his classes?” Beatrice looks confused. “What are you talking about?”

“I dunno. Why don’t you ask Ben?”

“God, people don’t realize how annoying you can be sometimes,” Beatrice groans, but she nudges him in the arm jokingly.

“I’m just saying, you guys should talk about it.”

Beatrice snorts.

“Wow, great advice, Balthy,” she says. “You should take it sometime.”

“Peter and I don’t need to talk,” Balthazar shrugs.

“What on Earth does that mean?”

“It MEANS, we just need something to happen.”

Beatrice squints at him.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know.”

Beatrice laughs, and Balthazar has to admit, it does sound kind of hilarious.

“So you’re saying,” she says. “That, like, the stars need to align? Or something crazy like that?”

“Kind of.”

“That doesn’t just happen, Balthazar.”

“I know,” he sighs sadly. “But I wish it did.”

The two of them are quiet for a moment, contemplating the absurd nature of both of their situations.

“Come make brownies with us,” Beatrice finally says.

“I really do need to study.”

But Beatrice’s look says that she won’t stop bothering him until he does, so Balthazar sighs, closes his book, and stands up to make some brownies.

“Your friends are really something,” Fred says to him after the brownies are finished baking. All five of them had wandered down to the beach to have their first bites, but Meg, Kit and Bea have not-so-subtly wandered off to do other things, leaving Balthazar and Fred with strict instructions to film something, ANYTHING, that involves the two of them together on-screen.

He knows what they’re doing. They want to get he and Fred interacting on camera, so they can upload it and ‘rub it in Peter’s face.’ Balthazar doesn’t particularly have any interest in this endeavor, but he doesn’t know how to exit the situation without it being awkward. And besides, it won’t hurt for Peter to feel a little pressure.

“Yeah, they’re a lot,” Balthazar grins. “But you gotta love them.”

“They do indeed have a special charm.”

Fred is smiling at him, and Balthazar squirms uncomfortably.

“Thanks again for the brownies,” he says. “It’s really nice to not have to trick everyone into eating my vegan snacks.”

“You’re welcome anytime,” Fred says. “Actually…” he rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. “I was wondering if you might, you know…wanna go get some food or something sometime. I can show you some of my favorite vegan spots. Or we can cook here! Whatever you want really.”

In another universe, Balthazar thinks, Vegan Fred might just be perfect for him. And in this universe, he certainly is perfect for someone. But it’s not Balthazar, and he feels kind of horrible about it. 

“Oh.” Balthazar blushes. He drags his shoe through the sand, looking at his feet. “Look, Fred,” he says. “You’re a really great guy, and I really really appreciate you letting us all stay here.”

“But you’re not interested?” Fred says. Balthazar cringes, but Fred puts a hand on his arm. “It’s ok,” he says. “I just figured it was worth a shot.”

“It’s just…” Balthazar hesitates. “I’m kind of…taken? Ish.”

“What do you mean?” Fred has a smile on his face, but it looks a little forced, and certainly confused.

“I’m just kind of...in the middle of this whole thing. With my friend.”

“Peter, right?”

Balthazar looks up at him in surprise. How does he know about Peter? Is it that obvious?

“Yeah,” he says, a little bit suspiciously. “How did you-”

“Rosa warned me about it,” Fred says apologetically. “She seemed to think you needed to move on. But she admitted that she wasn’t sure that was going to happen.”

Balthazar’s face goes red.

“Yeah,” he says. “I should move on, I guess. If I was smart.”

“I don’t know about that,” Fred says, leaning his arms on the railing of the pier that they're currently walking down.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, if you really think this guy…you know, Peter. If you really think he’s what you want…then what’s the point of taking detours, right? I think I get it.”

“But like, what if those detours help keep you happy, while you’re waiting?”

Fred looks at him hesitantly.

“Are you saying you want…”

“No,” Balthazar says hurriedly. Then he winces. “Sorry. I think I’m just trying to convince myself. But...I'm just not ready to give up on him. Not yet, at least.”

“It’s ok,” Fred says. “I think you’re making the right choice. I hope it works out for you guys.”

“Thanks,” Balthazar says. And he really hopes it does too, because otherwise, he’s just turned down quite the catch. 

They get a gift basket in the mail one day. It’s Beatrice who answers the door when it’s delivered, and it’s Beatrice who Balthazar overhears while on his way into the kitchen to grab a snack.

“What. the FUCK. is this,” Beatrice says. She’s staring at a box filled with Russian fudge, apparently addressed to her, from Ben. 

“At least you got something that kind of makes sense,” Kit says. He’s standing next to Bea, holding a bouquet of flowers in his hands.  “I just got flowers.”

“How does FUDGE make sense?”

“And where’s MY gift?” Meg says grumpily, rummaging through the basket one more time. 

“What’s going on?” Balthazar says. He walks over to the table curiously.

The three of them turn around from the basket to look at him.  

“They had the GALL to send us gifts,” Beatrice says. “But they’re all dumb.”

“Gifts?” That really doesn’t sound like Peter, Freddie's, OR Ben's styles.

“Yeah. There’s some kind of note here for you too.”

Balthazar's heart speeds up. A note? From Peter?

“I can’t believe him.” Beatrice is still ranting about her fudge, and she throws the box onto the table in disgust. “I can’t even look at this anymore. I’m going for a walk.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Meg says, but Beatrice is already outside, the door slamming behind her. Meg just shakes her head. She hands Balthazar his envelope.

“Here,” she says. “From Peter.”

Balthazar just stares at it. He hadn’t been expecting this. Not today, at least, though he doesn't really know why. Is this what he was supposed to be waiting for? Was this what Peter had said he was working on?

“Are you gonna open it?” Meg says, and Balthazar becomes suddenly aware that he isn't alone. He doesn’t really want to open it here, not with both of his friends watching. But he figures he doesn’t have much of a choice. They’ll only come and bother him about it afterwards. Or at least, Meg will, even if Kit doesn’t. 

So he opens the envelope, and suddenly there it is: Peter’s messy handwriting, staring back at him. He’s quiet for a few moments, just reading it over.

“Well?” Meg says. “What is it?”

“It says he wrote me something,” Balthazar says.

“What?”

“Some kind of poem. He says it’s up on YouTube.”

“Holy shit.”

Before he can stop her, Meg is pulling out her phone, without even considering the possibility that Balthazar might want to hear Peter's gift in private, first. But obviously Peter hadn't cared about that either, having published it online for the whole world to see. But that's Peter for you, and something about it makes Balthazar love him even more. 

Meg has the video pulled up before Balthazar has had a chance to fully articulate his thoughts. She holds it up in front of the three of them, and he and Kit crowd in to get a look. The video is short, but Balthazar feels like it lasts for twenty minutes. Peter is staring at the camera, at HIM, saying the most beautiful words Balthazar has ever heard. When did he become such a poet? And how long has he been working on this?

The video ends, and Balthazar immediately wants to press play again, but he realizes his friends are still standing there, and he amends that thought: he wants to play it again and again when he’s alone.

“I don’t get it,” Meg says from beside him. “Why was it all in old English?”

“It was for a class,” Balthazar croaks. “Elizabethan literature. He and Ben had to write a sonnet.”

“He gave you a HOMEWORK assignment?” Meg goggles at him.

“No, he…well technically yes, but…”

“But what?” Meg says. “You deserve more than this, Balthazar.”

And Balthazar doesn’t feel like explaining it to her, the fact that this is IT. This is what he’d needed. And if he had his way, he would be on his way over the flat right this very second, ready to finally end this thing. But Peter's caption on the video echoes in his mind, and he knows that Peter has a plan that Balthazar certainly doesn’t want to mess up. So he recognizes that, as hard as it might feel, he still has to wait.

But that doesn’t mean he can’t watch the video ten more times while he does.

Several hours later, in his room, Balthazar does watch the sonnet many more times. He can’t believe how much he loves it. It’s like a song, but…better somehow. Even more beautiful. He had no idea Peter had it in him.

Balthazar glances at his phone. He really wants to do something now. Wants so bad to tell Peter what he thinks. But he's waiting...just waiting. Because there's one more thing he needs to hear before anything real can happen.

To distract himself, he starts watching other videos that are on Ben’s channel as well. Balthazar can admit that he hasn’t really kept up with the vlogs for a while, not since he and Peter posted Stay. So he isn’t really sure what to expect when he clicks through the list. He doesn’t bother watching a lot of them (he has no desire to relive the pain of much of this semester), but he IS surprised to see that Ben has continued to upload videos, even after Balthazar had left. And when he watches the Russian Fudge video, several things start to make sense. Beatrice’s Russian fudge, for one, and also Peter’s strange signoff, ‘Love, Petrov,” which Balthazar had always found kind of odd but had been too enamored with the sonnet to really think much about. 

And he isn't sure how it happens, some fluke in the algorithm perhaps, but at some point when he goes to watch the sonnet, Meg’s video gets suggested to him as well. 

And THAT’s when he decides he has to stop waiting.

“What is this?” Balthazar says to Beatrice. She’s sitting and reading on the couch when Balthazar comes in, and he holds the laptop out in front of her, as close to fuming as he’s ever been before.

Beatrice looks worried for a moment, but she quickly regains her composure.

“What do you mean?” she says.

“I MEAN, who gave you permission to tell Peter I hated his poem?”

“It was ridiculous, Balthy. You deserve much better.”

“I didn’t hate it, though!” he says, and Beatrice is now back to looking very nervous. “I loved it! And now you’ve gone and made him feel terrible about it.”

“Well they deserve to feel terrible,” Beatrice says defensively. “Because they ARE terrible.”

“Don’t drag Peter and I into whatever is going on with you and Ben,” Balthazar says. “We aren’t the same as you two. I don’t need your help.”

Beatrice looks stunned for a moment.

“You don’t need my help?” she says, and Balthazar can’t believe it, but he thinks they might be about to have an actual, legitimate fight. Balthazar certainly isn’t any good at fighting, and Bea definitely is, so he’s suddenly a little bit terrified. “Do I need to remind you how many conversations I’ve had to listen to from the both of you? “Oh, why won’t Peter love me? Oh, why won't Balthazar forgive me?”

“We don’t sound like that,” Balthazar mumbles angrily, but Beatrice just plows on.

“You two can’t even figure things out when the whole universe is trying to help you, so excuse me for thinking Peter needed to do a little more work than write you a stupid song.”

“It wasn’t a song, it was a sonnet,” Balthazar says. “And you’re just mad because despite all your talk about communication, you and Ben STILL won’t talk. About ANYTHING.”

 “At least we try,” Beatrice says. “You and Pedro haven’t had a legitimate conversation about anything since you’ve known each other, and that’s a fact!”

Balthazar stops. He’s tired of this already. He sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

“Ok,” he says. “Let’s just…let’s just calm down. I’m sorry I got so upset.”

“I’m going for another walk,” Beatrice says, and she disappears through the patio door once again.

From: Balthazar

Hey

From: Peter

Oh my-

Hey!

…

I’m sorry.

From: Balthazar

I know.

From: Peter

Are you okay?

From: Balthazar

I’m fine.

I may have eaten too many brownies.

But mostly fine.

From: Peter

I’m glad.

…

Do you want to talk?

From: Balthazar

I don’t know.

From: Peter

That’s ok

You texted

That’s a good sign at least

From: Balthazar

It’s just

what is there to talk about

From: Peter

A lot

From: Balthazar

A lot of horrible stuff

From: Peter

Good stuff, too, though

From: Balthazar

Really?

From: Peter

Really.

Balthazar bites his lip and takes a deep breath.

From: Balthazar

I saw the sonnet

I’m sorry about Meg and Bea

From: Peter

I don’t care what they think

What did YOU think?

From: Balthazar

It was great

Really great, Pete

From: Peter

I want to talk

From: Balthazar

Ok

From: Peter

Tomorrow?

We’re all coming, Ben and Fred too

But after, just us.

Promise?

From: Balthazar

Promise.

Chapter Text

“So, you and Kit huh?” Peter says. It’s the morning after the others have left the flat, and the three remaining flatmates are all standing in the kitchen, munching on dry slices of toast. None of them had eaten dinner the night before, and after individual evenings spent crying alone, they had all emerged this morning feeling hungry. Hungry, but not happily so. Hence, the pieces of boring, dry toast.  

“Yep,” Freddie says glumly, taking another bite of her breakfast as she leans back on the counter.

“How long?”

“A few months.”

“I can’t believe I didn’t see it,” Ben says, shaking his head. 

“I can’t either,” Peter says. “She only got coffee like ten times a day. And at specific times too. Even I thought it was weird, and I was hardly ever here.”

“Wait a minute- so you knew?” Ben says, goggling at him.

“No,” shrugs Peter. “But I was…otherwise occupied. You, on the other hand, have no excuse.”

Peter can tell that Ben is upset, because instead of retorting back, he just rolls his eyes.

“I just don’t know how you managed to avoid my camera,” he says to Freddie.

“We were subtle,” Freddie shrugs.

“I think I might be…kind of impressed?” Peter says. “That you so blatantly broke a flat rule. Good for you.”

“Hey!” Ben says. “Don’t praise her!”

“What? You’ve gotta admit that took some guts.”

“I’m sorry you guys,” Freddie sighs. “I know it was unfair. I just- it was never really ME who needed the rules in the first place.”

“I beg to differ,” Ben huffs.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You were so wound up all the time about us messing up YOUR flat. You needed something to chill you out.”

“I did NOT,” she says. “I was perfectly fine until you all showed up.”

“You ASKED me to live here,” Ben retorts.

“Guys,” Peter sighs. He doesn’t have any fight in him today. And he doesn’t really want to listen to one either. Freddie and Ben turn to look at him. “Can we just- you know, not do this?”

Ben hesitates, but then he leans back on the counter glumly and sighs.

“You’re right,” he says. “We’re all alone now anyway. Who cares?”

The three of them are silent for a moment, just wallowing in their current predicament. It’s strange, Peter thinks, how this entire year, he’s wanted to be alone. But now he wants anything but. 

“You know what we need?” he says all of a sudden. “A punishment.”

Ben sends a wary look his way. But then he sets down his toast, a determined look on his face.

“You’re right,” he says. “And I think I know just what it should be.”

From: Peter

We need help filming a Punishment video.

From: Jaquie

A text, Peter? Really?

I don’t hear from you for three days and you send a text?

From: Peter

Sorry, I don’t wanna tie up my phone.

From: Jaquie

Why? 

What’s going on, Pete?

From: Peter

Nothing.

Well, a lot.

Just come over tomorrow, I’ll explain.

From: Jaquie

Fine. But you owe me.

“I can’t believe you just did that,” Jaquie says, watching Peter wipe the gunge off his face. Ben and Freddie have already gone back inside to shower off, but Peter hadn't felt ready to go in yet, so he’s sitting with Jaquie on the steps outside. 

“I can,” Peter says. “I feel like shit. Seems only fitting.”

“So dramatic,” Jaquie says, rolling her eyes. “You do realize that Balthazar is never gonna see this anyway.”

Peter looks at her, surprised.

“How do you know that?”

“Oh come on, Peter. If I were him, I would have stopped watching the videos a long time ago.”

She has a point, as much as Peter hates to admit it. 

“Even if he doesn’t,” Peter shrugs. “That’s not why I did it anyway.”

“So self-sacrificing,” Jaquie says sarcastically, and Peter grimaces, staring at his knees. He feels like literal garbage. It’s like everything in his life that he’s been so steadfastly committed to for the last six months, the drinking, the socializing, even the play, mean nothing if Balthazar isn’t here.

“So what are you going to do then?” Jaquie says from beside him.

“What do you mean?” 

“What are you gonna do to fix it? Sitting around here pouring slime on yourself certainly isn’t going to make him come back.”

Peter sighs.

“I don’t know, ok? I haven't figured it out yet.”

He knows what Balthazar needs to hear from him. And he has the sonnet. But how the heck is he going to deliver it? Balthazar isn’t responding to his texts, and could Peter really just…walk over there right now? He still doesn’t feel like that will work, and a part of him is still terrified that he’ll mess everything up if he does.

“Well you better hurry up,” Jaquie says. “Sitting around moping certainly isn't going to do anything.”

“I’m starting to second guess my choice to ask for your help,” Peter says, looking at her sideways.

“You needed me, and you know it.”

Peter spends the days after the punishment video goes up glued to his phone. Balthazar hasn’t answered his texts in three days, but Peter still can’t force himself to give up. He mopes on the couch and stares off into space, hoping that Balthazar will see their video and decide that he wants to talk.

Why hadn’t he left? It’s the question that keeps repeating over and over in Peter’s head. Balthazar had literally asked him too, which was more than Peter had ever been expecting. But Peter couldn’t leave. Because, well…it just wasn’t the right time. And he thinks that Balthazar knew that too, deep down. Leaving then, it just…it wouldn’t have fixed things. And it would have left their friends all alone. There’s some weird part of Peter that feels like..in order to be with Balthazar, he needs to reconnect with the Pedro part of him again, and Pedro would never leave his friends hanging like that.

So he stayed. But for what? To mope around the flat all day, like they were doing right now? He hasn’t seen Ben or Freddie all afternoon, and he assumes they’re doing the same as him, just in different corners of the house.

He’s repeating this same dialogue in his head for what must be the thousandth time when Ben enters the living room and starts setting up a tripod in front of the couch. 

“What are you doing?” Peter says.

“Filming a vlog,” Ben replies.

Oh. Great.

“Why?” Peter groans.

“Because I haven’t done one in a while.”

“Well I don’t want to be in a vlog.”

“Then move.”

Peter just glares at him, and Freddie enters the room two seconds later.

“I can’t study,” she sighs, flopping down on the couch next to Peter. “I’m too distracted.”  She notices Ben a moment later.

“What are you doing?” she says.

“He’s filming a vlog,” Peter responds, still staring straight ahead.

“Ben, why?” Freddie says, frustrated.

“Because it’s what I know how to do,” Ben says, and he sits down in between the two of them.

But once he’s there, he doesn’t say anything for several minutes. The silence becomes more and more awkward by the second, and finally, Peter can’t take it any longer. 

“Ben,” he says.

“I have zero expectations. If this turns into ten minutes of us sitting and staring at the camera then so be it.” Ben doesn’t even look at him. He sounds determined and hopeless at the same time, which is a weird combination.

“Go away,” Peter groans.

“Just cuz you’re in shot doesn’t mean you have to join in.”

“I was here first.”

“You’ve been here since last night, we haven’t had the chance,” Freddie points out, and the three of them return to sitting in silence.

Peter’s phone rings a few moments later, and they all turn to look at it. Peter feels a brief pinprick of hope, but disappointment floods through him once again when he realizes it isn’t who he wants to talk to right now. He sighs and switches it off, setting it back down again on the arm of the sofa. Apparently, sitting around and waiting isn’t going to do anything. Balthazar seems to be sending a message: it’s Peter’s move, and it better be a good one.

After Freddie has finished her knighting ceremony, Peter dares a look at his phone. He wants to explain, wants to assure Balthazar that the thing between he and Jaquie, it really was a big fat nothing. Nothing in comparison to him and Balthazar, anyway. At least in terms of romantic relationships. But he doesn’t think it matters. At this point, he doesn’t even know if even Balthazar cares. Everything still feels like shit.

But there is something that HAS changed since Costa came barging into the flat. His speech had struck Peter somehow. The comment about how he affects everyone around him, even when he doesn’t want to. It’s the last piece of knowledge he needs for things to click into place. His actions over the past few months, they didn’t come without consequences. And Peter had known that, deep down. But up until now, he has been purposely trying to ignore it. 

It’s obvious to him now that stuff just isn’t going to happen. He has power over this situation. And apparently, everything he does affects everyone around him. So if he can just get everyone on the same page, then maybe, just maybe, they can turn things around.

And that process starts with a flat challenge.

“Ben-” he says, barging into Ben’s room to suggest that they film a video. He stops suddenly when he takes in the scene in front of him. Ben’s room is a mess, and Ben is currently digging through a drawer, throwing clothing on the floor behind him. 

“What are you doing?” Peter says.

Ben continues to frantically rummage through his dresser, moving on to another drawer when he’s thoroughly emptied the current one.

“I’m looking for my Latin cards,” he says, not even looking at Peter.

“Why?” Peter says, perplexed. “You already took your exam.”

“Because, Peter,” Ben says, like Peter is stupid for not understanding what’s going on. “I need those cards. What if I decide to take it again next year? They are the perfect study aid.”

“Why would you take it again next year?” Peter says, growing more and more confused by the second. But then, it dawns on him. Oh.

Ben hasn’t responded to his comment, and he has now moved on to his bed, which he is totally stripping down. Because apparently, that’s a place where flashcards would be.

“Ben,” Peter says. He walks over to him and puts a hand on his arm. “What’s going on?” 

Ben stops. Sighs. He looks like he’s going to cry.

“I failed my exam,” he says finally, slumping down on his now half-deconstructed bed. “Actually, I failed a lot of them.”

“How do you know?”

“My professor emailed me.”

Oof. It’s what they’d all been afraid of. It was no secret that Ben has been struggling, but they had all hoped that their collective efforts to get him to study might help him get through. But alas, apparently not.

Peter sits down next to Ben on the bed.  

“Hey, it’s not the end of the world,” he says, nudging him softly in the shoulder. 

“Yes, it is!” Ben cries, putting his head in his hands. “What are my parents going to say? They’re professors, for christ’s sake. They won’t understand.”

“Who cares what they think?” Peter says. “University isn’t for everyone.”

“It’s supposed to be for ME, though,” Ben says. “It’s what I’ve always been expected to do.”

Peter looks thoughtful for a moment. 

“Bea also isn’t at university, you know,” he says.

“Yeah,” Ben sighs. “She had the right idea. I should never have come in the first place.”

“I don’t know about that,” Peter says. “I mean, without you, half my life wouldn’t be uploaded to the internet. We wouldn’t want that.”

Ben smiles at him sadly.

“That’s true,” he says. “And you’d probably be better off. Yet another thing I’ve screwed up this year.”

“Hey,” Peter says. “You haven’t screwed anything up.”

Ben looks at him doubtfully.

“Ok, you’ve screwed a few things up,” Peter admits. “But nothing that wasn’t already a bit screwed up in the first place. And besides, one or two screw ups don’t define your life.” 

Peter is vaguely aware of how ironic it is, him saying this. He’s surprised to realize that, despite the fact that he didn’t believe this advice when it was delivered to him several months ago, now, it makes perfect sense.

Ben is too distracted to catch on to the irony. He just stares at the wall in front of him.

“I guess,” he says, but that’s all.

“I think you should talk to your parents,” Peter says softly, and Ben just nods.

“Yeah,” he says. “You’re probably right.”

“Also,” Peter says. “I think we should film another challenge video.”

“What?” Ben looks up at him.

“A flat challenge. I know how much you like vlogging. And we haven’t done one of those in a while.”

“Well, yeah,” Ben accedes. “That’s because we basically have no flat.”

“That’s not true. All the original flatters are accounted for…” Peter hesitates. “Mostly. And Balthazar would want us to continue.”

“He left because he hated the rules, Pete.”

“Nah, he didn’t. He left because of me. I think he actually kind of liked the rules…at least, the mushy bonding parts of them anyway.”

It’s true. Peter still doesn’t really know why Balthazar had signed on to the rules in the first place, but he can only assume that it was because of him. That’s why Peter would have done it at least, if he were in Balthazar’s position.

Ben just continues to sit there silently.

“Come onnn,” Peter says. “We’re a team. We can do this!”

“We don’t have enough people without Balthazar.”

“Then I’ll invite some friends.”

“Who? Paige and Chelsea won’t come. I’m sure they hate us now.”

“I’ll invite someone less…biased, then,” Peter says uncomfortably. “Jaquie. And Costa, maybe.”

“That crazy guy that forced you to sword fight him?”

“Yeah, seems like he could really shake it up for us,” Peter says sarcastically.

“I don’t know, Peter,” Ben sighs.

“Let’s just try,” Peter says. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

Ben doesn’t have a response, so Peter takes this as his acceptance, and he goes to call Jaquie.

“What kind of music do you think Fred likes?” Peter says. They’re an hour or two into the Russian Accent challenge, and he’s been thinking about the brownie video that Meg had uploaded. They’ve all seen it of course, albeit separately. Peter wasn’t the only one who’s been watching their channel like a hawk. It was clearly an attempt by Beatrice and Meg to make them all feel bad, but Balthazar was there too. Looking...happy. Much happier than he’d ever been around Peter recently. 

“I’m right here,” Freddie says.

“No, not you,” Peter says, rolling his eyes. “Vegan Fred. He said he played music. Do you think he’s any good?”

Jaquie looks at him pointedly.

“Probably,” she says. “He doesn’t seem to be bad at anything, if we take the others’ word for it.”

“Yeah but like, it’s not like he’s plays anything interesting, right? Or like, he’s probably not into any good bands. Like- what about Fife and the Drums? SO not his style.”

“Who cares what kind of music he likes?” Fred sighs. “He’s nice and attractive and makes delicious food. What’s not to love?”

“You think he’s attractive?” Peter says.

Everyone stares at him.

“What?” Peter says. “It’s just- I really don’t think he’s that attractive.” 

Costa pats him sympathetically on the shoulder. 

“It’s ok, Peter.” he says.

“Wh-, I’m fine,” Peter says, shaking him off. “I’m just saying, is all.”

“Vegan Fred has stolen our peeps,” Ben moans from the sofa.

It’s not technically true. The others had left willingly. But it’s like the universe hates Peter. Because of course it had presented Balthazar with a perfectly wonderful, non-dramatic option to kill time with while Peter takes forever to figure his shit out. And even though he feels…reasonably sure that nothing is going to happen there, he can’t help but feel just a little bit jealous. It’s just kind of his nature, after all.

“I just can’t believe they chose him over us,” Ben is now saying.

“Neither can I,” Jaquie says, patting Ben’s head consolingly.

“I hate him,” Peter mutters. Even though he doesn’t even really know him at all.

Costa just spits into the corner.

When they finish filming the flat challenge, Peter is finally ready for action. Costa and the others have forced him to wait another day before he heads over to the flat, ready to finally put this whole thing to rest, but he feels antsy. And he still has this sonnet. So maybe he can do something with that in the interim.

“What if we sent them something?” Peter says. Ben and Freddie are eating dinner at the table when he walks in. Costa and Jaquie have both left by now, and it’s just the three of them left in the flat.  

“What do you mean?” Ben says.

“Like, I know we aren’t going over until tomorrow, but what if we sent them something, in the interim,” Peter rubs the back of his neck. “Y’know, just to let them know that we’re coming.”

“Like what?” Freddie says, looking at him perplexedly.

“I don’t know, whatever you want.”

Ben looks thoughtful.

“I think that’s a good idea,” he finally says. “Ooh, I know, I’ll send Bea some Fudge! Like from the video!”

“Why would you send her Fudge?” Freddie says doubtfully. “Will that even make any sense?”

“Of course it’ll make sense,” Ben says confidently. “I’m sure she’s watching the videos. And it will be symbolic, you know? Of our newfound perspective.”

Peter and Freddie look at him skeptically, but they decide not to fight it. It’s Ben’s relationship to save after all, and he can do that however he likes.

“Wait a second,” Freddie says. “I’m not sure I’m on board with this idea.”

“Why not?” Ben says, turning to her.

“Because I’m terrible at…gifts. And romantic things in general. I don’t know what to send.”

“Just send him flowers or something,” Peter waves her comment away. “Everybody likes flowers.”

“Why do you sound so confident, Pete?” Ben says suspiciously. “What are you gonna send?”

“I- I already have something in mind.” he says awkwardly. 

“You do?” Ben goggles at him

“It’s just- something I wrote. For Balthazar, you know.”

Ben looks at him suspiciously for a moment, but then his eyes light up.

“Wait a second, is this...your sonnet? The one you refused to show me?”

Peter hesitates. He’s kind of been dreading this conversation with Ben. But since Balthazar isn’t answering his phone, and the sonnet really needs to be delivered in person, not read off of a scrap of paper, he’s already decided to upload it to Youtube, so it’s inevitable that Ben will eventually see it.

“Yeah,” he says, sighing.

“OH. MY. GOD.” Ben stands up from the table and starts jumping up and down. “This is amazing. Can I hear it?”

“Actually I-,” Peter stammers, his face going red. “I was thinking of putting it up on Youtube.”

Ben looks like he’s going to explode from excitement, and it makes Peter happy, at least, that he’s momentarily distracted from the sadness that is the state of he and Bea.

“That’s a great idea!” Ben says. “I’ll help you film!”

“No,” Peter says, perhaps a little too forcefully, judging by the startled look on Ben's face. But he recovers quickly. “Sorry, it's just- I think I might want to it on my own. You know, it’s a little...personal and all.”

“Leave him alone, Ben,” Freddie says, tugging on his sleeve to make him sit down again. “I’m sure Pete can handle things on his own.”

Peter isn’t actually sure that he can, but he certainly doesn’t want Ben helping, so it’s the only choice he has.

“Ok, ok,” Ben says, sitting back down. “But I’m proud of you, buddy. I’m sure Balthy will love it.”

“You haven’t even heard it yet,” Peter says suspiciously. “It might be shit.”

“Nah,” Ben replies. “I always knew you had it in you.”

And Peter is suddenly struck by how much he appreciates having Ben as a friend.

“What’s your guys’ plan, exactly?” Jaquie says as they make their way over to vegan Fred’s. Ben had requested she join them, on the pretext that he needs someone to film, but Peter thinks it has more to do with having an extra body to diffuse the tension, and Peter can’t deny that he’s happy to have her there as well. Costa has also tagged along, although no one is really sure why.

“What do you mean, plan?” Ben says.

“Like, what are you gonna say, when you get there?”

“Obviously something dramatic and heartfelt,” Costa says, clapping his hands.

“I already know what I’m gonna say,” Freddie says, looking determined. But she doesn’t share any insights, and Peter thinks that it’s so Freddie. She probably has an entire script that she’s been rehearsing in her head.

“Y-yeah, me too,” Ben says, nodding. But it doesn’t sound like he really does.

“What if vegan Fred doesn’t let us in?” Freddie says worriedly.

“Then we break down the door!” Costa yells.

“Or we just ask nicely,” Peter says, rolling his eyes.

“You seem weirdly calm, Pete,” Ben says suspiciously. “What’s YOUR plan, then?”

Peter doesn’t have a plan. His texts with Balthazar yesterday have him feeling invigorated, and excited. Like all the important stuff has already been said, even though actually, nothing has been said at all. It’s very…them. He can’t help but feel that if he just SEES Balthazar, he’ll know what to do.

So he shrugs.

“I’ll know what to do when I see him,” he says. And when they finally get inside, after they’ve barged past vegan Fred and made they’re way out onto the deck, it turns out that Peter does.

“So you really like the sonnet?” Peter says once they’re finally alone. Annoyingly, they’re still at vegan Fred’s, but the rest of the group has gone back inside, and he and Balthazar have wandered down to the beach. Ben, Peter can only assume, has gone home, and Peter knows he should go make sure he’s ok, but he needs this one moment for himself first. 

“I continue to be baffled by it, yes,” Balthazar smiles. They’re holding hands, something that Peter has thought about for a long, long time. Ever since Balthazar wrote him an Ode, really.  “I mean really, Pete, where did you learn to write like that?”

“Well up until yesterday I really thought it might be shit. Still kind of do actually.”

“It is NOT shit. It’s…” Balthazar casts about for words for a moment. “I don’t even know how to describe it,” he laughs. “But it’s not shit.”

“Well good. I’m glad you like it.”

Balthazar smiles at him, this giant, radiant smile, and Peter really can’t believe this is happening. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, still staring at Balthazar.

“You’ve said that,” Balthazar smiles. 

“Yeah, but, I feel like I need to keep saying it,” Peter winces.

“Pete, it’s ok.” He touches Peter’s face. “I forgive you.”

Peter sighs at his touch.

“It might take me a while to believe that.”

“S’ok. I’ve got time.”

Peter smiles at him.

“You’re pretty amazing, you know. Have I already said THAT?”

“Also that, yes,” Balthazar laughs. “You’re sorry, I’m amazing, you love me…you’re really repeating yourself this evening.” But he grins and leans in for a kiss. “But I’m not really complaining.”

Peter just beams. His whole body sighs. Because FINALLY.

“I’m sorry too, you know,” Balthazar says. He sits down on the sand, and Peter takes a seat on the ground next to him.

“For what?” Peter says, looking back at him incredulously.

“I dunno,” Balthazar shrugs. “I suppose I could have been more…direct about things. At certain points.”

Peter is thoughtful for a moment.

“Maybe,” he says. “But that’s not really you, is it? And, I don’t know, is it weird if I say I kind of like that about us?”

“What, the fact that we don’t ever talk about things?” Balthazar laughs.

“No, the fact that it doesn’t feel like we need to.”

Balthazar stares at him. Then he rolls his eyes.

“You watched that video, with Freddie,” he says. “The one where I talk about how you shouldn’t have to talk.”

“Hm, doesn’t ring a bell,” Pedro says, but he’s smiling. “I watched a lot of videos.”

Balthazar punches him lightly in the arm.

“I didn’t mean we didn’t need to talk,” he says. “I just meant- I dunno, it’s nice to feel like you’re on the same page. About more general stuff. It’s nice when someone just gets you.”

“And you feel like we get each other?”

“Do you?”

“At the risk of sounding incredibly cheesy, yes, in many ways,” Peter shrugs. “But there are definitely things I don’t get either.”

“Like what?” Balthazar smirks.

“Like why you eat cold tofu, for one.”

“How about why you have a shower cap, hm?”

“My hair is very important to me!”

“I know, we have that in common,” Balthazar smiles.

Peter just grins at him, blissfully.

“I get what you mean though,” Balthazar says, brushing some sand off his pants. He looks uncomfortable, and Peter knows what’s coming. “I know we do have some things to talk about.”

“Yeah,” Peter sighs. “But- we don’t have to do it today. Besides, I- really should go check on Ben,” he says apologetically.

“Yeah,” Balthazar says, looking out at the water. “Pretty rough, that.”

“I just feel like, if I don’t make sure he’s ok, who will?” Peter says. Balthazar glances at him, a strange look on his face. “What?”

“It’s just- I missed you,” Balthazar shrugs. “And of course, you should go talk to Ben.”

Peter sighs. He’s been dreading this moment.

“You’re not coming back tonight, are you?”

“I should deal with Bea,” Balthazar says. “And I think you guys should…sort this last little bit out.”

Peter groans.

“I don’t wanna go though. Why does being me mean I have to take care of everything?”

“Because you love it,” Balthazar says. He stands up and puts a hand out to Pete. “It’s what makes you YOU.”

“Oh, one more thing,” Peter says. He’s about to walk out the door of vegan Fred's, after giving Balthazar a long, sweet kiss goodbye. But then he remembers. One last little point he feels compelled to clear up, right now.

“About Jaquie-”

“I thought we weren’t gonna talk about things yet,” Balthazar smiles, but Peter can tell it’s a cover for discomfort. He’s pulling back, and Peter wants to let him. It’s been a long day, after all. But he’s here, and he’s feeling brave, and it won’t take long anyway.

“I just want to get this one out of the way, right now,” he says. “Because she’s my friend and- even though you say it’s ok, I don’t want you to feel weird around her.”

“Ok,” Balthazar squirms. 

“We did sleep together.”

“Yeah, maybe we shouldn’t talk about this,” Balthazar says, and Peter can feel him shutting down. He steps forward and takes Balthazar’s hands in his.

“No, no, it’s just- we were super drunk when it happened, and in the morning it was like…one of those situations where you just immediately realize that it was a huge mistake. That you’re just supposed to be friends.”

Balthazar isn’t saying anything, but he rubs his thumb over Peter’s palm, a small gesture that he’s still listening.

“I promise there’s nothing there,” Peter says, touching Balthazar’s face. “It was super obvious that I wasn’t over you.”

Balthazar looks at him. He seems to be processing the information, taking it all in. But finally, he leans into Peter’s touch, as if he’s arrived at a decision.

“Ok,” he says.

“Ok what?”

“Ok, I believe you.”

“You sure?” Peter says. “Because she’s going to keep being in my life, and I want you both to be friends.”

Balthazar smiles and kisses Peter again.

“I’m sure,” he says resolutely. He puts his hands on Peter’s chest and pushes him away. “Now go cheer up our friend.”

And Peter does. But he has to work extra hard to wipe the smile off his face when he gets there.

Chapter Text

When Peter has finally gone home, Balthazar goes looking for Bea. Because he knows what it feels like, having your heart broken, and before he can truly relish in his own mended one, he needs to make sure she’s ok.

When he finds her, she’s sitting in the living room with Meg, staring out the window. Vegan Fred seems to have recognized the sensitive nature of the situation, because he’s made himself scarce. It’s just the two girls remaining in the living room now that the entire flat crew has departed.

“It’s gonna be ok,” Meg says, giving Beatrice a gentle squeeze.

“I guess." But Beatrice doesn’t sound happy about it. She looks up when Balthazar enters room, her eyebrows crinkling. “What are you still doing here?”

“Just wanted to make sure you were ok,” Balthazar says. He sits down on the arm of the couch beside her.

Beatrice shrugs, returning her gaze to the window.

“I’m fine.” Her eyes have a glazed look about them, and her voice is weirdly devoid of emotion. “I mean, I can’t say I didn’t see it coming anyway.”

“Honey,” Meg says from beside her. “Are you sure this is the right decision?”

“What’s the alternative? We go to Europe together and break up anyway in two months?”

“Or, you know, you go to Europe and you DON’T break up,” Meg says pointedly.

Beatrice narrows her eyes at her.

“Since when are you Ms. Positive relationship lady?”

“I dunno,” Meg says thoughtfully. “Since my friends all started falling madly in love with each other, I guess.”

Beatrice rolls her eyes.

“Love only gets you so far.” Her eyes shift up to meet Balthazar’s. “You and Pedro lived together and weren’t able to make it work. Why should Ben and I be the exception?”

“Seems a little different though, that,” Balthazar says good-naturedly. “I mean, Pete and I weren’t actually together. You and Ben are.”

“But you both loved each other. A lot. And everything still went to shit. I just…I don’t know if Ben and I can do it.”

Balthazar is quiet for a moment.

“Yeah, everything did go to shit,” he says finally. “But we still wanted to be around each other, didn’t we? Neither of us ever moved out. That’s what love is. Even at its worst, you can’t help but want to be with the other person.”

He looks over at Beatrice meaningfully.

“I think it’ll be the same for you two.”

“Yeah, and I mean, if he starts annoying you, just treat yourself to a solo ride in a gondola or something,” Meg jokes. 

Beatrice still doesn’t look entirely convinced, but her eyes are more thoughtful.

“I just- I think I need to think about this,” she says, standing up. “Maybe call my parents.” She moves towards her room but turns around at the last second. “Thanks, you guys.”

Balthazar and Meg just nod at her.

Once she is gone, Meg turns her gaze on Balthazar.

“So,” she says smugly. “Congrats.”

“Thanks,” Balthazar blushes. He stands up from the couch as well. “I’m just gonna go…you know, pack and stuff.”

“Uh huh, you do that,” Meg smirks. “Do allllll the packing you need.”

Peter calls Balthazar that night, before bed.

“Remind me why you aren’t here again?” he says. Balthazar smiles at the sound of his voice. It’s ridiculous, but even though it’s been less than five hours, Balthazar misses it. “I think there was a reason but I’m now lying here all alone trying to figure out what it was.”

“Because of Ben and Bea,” Balthazar says.

“What about them?”

“Because it would be kind of rude to rub our newfound happiness in their faces.”

Balthazar swears he can hear Peter shrug through the phone.

“Little pointless, that, considering Ben’s shut up in his room anyway.”

“It’s that bad, huh?” Balthazar winces.

Peter sighs.

“We made him some tea, tried to get him to talk. Not much luck though. Figured it would be best to just give him some space.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“He’ll be happy to have you back tomorrow, though,” Peter says softly. “So will I.”

“Yeah,” Balthazar smiles. “Me too.”

He’s not sure how he’s SUPPOSED to feel at the prospect of going back to the flat, but he’s acutely aware that the only sensation he is actually feeling is relief. Because as nice as vegan Fred’s is, he misses home. He’s only ever known Wellington in that flat, and there’s a certain comfort to being somewhere familiar, even if it does get a bit dramatic at times.

And of course, there’s the fact that Peter is there too. A few hours ago, that would have been the biggest downside. But now, everything has been flipped upside down, and Peter’s presence is perhaps the greatest motivation for Balthazar’s desire to return.

“So, what am I supposed to do tonight, then?” Peter says from the other end of the phone.

“What do you mean?” 

“You really expect me to fall asleep? After everything that’s happened today?”

“You’re Peter Donaldson, you can sleep through anything,” Balthazar quips, but Peter is silent for a moment.

“You know you can call me, Pedro you know, if you want,” he says finally, carefully.

Balthazar hesitates, chewing that one over.

“I want to call you whatever you want to be called.”

“I mean, the Peter thing WAS a little forced. You heard me in town, I even called MYSELF Pedro. It really isn’t a big deal. I want you to call me what you want.”

“Ok,” Balthazar says. “I’ll remember that.”

Balthazar appreciates the gesture, but strangely enough, he doesn’t feel the need to go back to calling Peter Pedro. It feels a little bit strange, reverting to the way things used to be. Because so much has changed, and neither of them are the same people they were back at Messina. That isn’t a bad thing, of course. Fortunately, Balthazar feels like they’ve grown together. Pedro was and is wonderful, but Peter is pretty nice too.

“I miss you,” Peter says.

“You just saw me.”

“So? I miss you even when you’re sitting in your room and I’m in mine. This isn’t a new thing.”

Balthazar grins.

“Well you’ve gotten lots of practice then. You can make it through one more night.”

“Fine.”

Kit pushes his way into their shared room then, and Balthazar looks up at the sound of his entrance. Similar to Balthazar, he has a grin plastered across his face, and he flops back on his bed and stares up at the ceiling.

“Kit’s here,” Balthazar says into the phone. Kit gives him a quiet wave from the bed, his eyes still trained blissfully upward. “I should go.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Peter says. “I’ll see you tomorrow, though? Early?”

“Yes, Pete. Tomorrow.”

“G’nite, Balthy.”

“Nite, Pete.”

Balthazar hangs up the phone, and Kit props himself up on his elbows to look at him.

“Congrats, man,” he grins. “I’m happy for you. Really. I guess you were right about the waiting thing.”

“I don’t know if I was RIGHT, per say,” Balthazar says. “But it worked out in the end.”

He pauses to watch Kit slip off his shoes and glance at his phone, grinning at whatever he sees there and starting to type back a response.

“How’s Freddie?” he smirks.

“Great. Really great.”

“I’m happy for us,” Balthazar sighs, now leaning back on his own bed.

“Me too.”

One more night at vegan Fred’s, and Balthazar can go home. New beginning, indeed.

In the morning, Balthazar’s phone buzzes.

From: Peter

When are you coming over?

From: Balthazar

Good morning to you, too.

From: Peter

Stop flirting and get over here

From: Balthazar

So pushy

How’s Ben?

From: Peter

Freddie and I are still working on it

How’s Bea?

From: Balthazar

Same

I wish we could do more to help

From: Peter

Yeah

Sometimes people just have to work things out on their own

Like us

From: Balthazar

Is that what we did?

From: Peter

Yes. And I will take that to my grave.

No Ben involved.

Balthazar chuckles to himself.

From: Balthazar

I’m going to go get some breakfast

From: Peter

Meet somewhere?

From: Balthazar

I was planning on Boyet’s

From: Peter

Ugh

If you must

From: Balthazar

We’re a package deal, me and Boyet’s

From: Peter

Tough bargain

But ok

See you there in 30?

From: Balthazar

Sounds great.

Peter is already there when Balthazar arrives, the big sap.

“Hey,” he says, standing up from his place at a booth. The smile on his face is so sweet it’s almost embarrassing, and Balthazar ducks his head out of habit.

“Hey."

“I got you a coffee. And one of those sweet bun things you like.” Peter gestures toward the table, where a to-go bag and two cups of coffee are sitting. “I thought we could walk?”

Balthazar grabs his hand.

“I’d like that,” he says, smiling. Peter just beams back.

They start down the street toward the park. Balthazar doesn’t really know where they’re going, distracted as he is by his food and by Peter’s general presence, but it doesn’t take him long to realize that Peter has a specific destination in mind.

“The waterfront?” Balthazar says when they arrive.

“Yeah,” Peter shrugs. “It’s a nice day and all. And you like the waterfront.”

“I do, don’t I?” Balthazar says, looking at him thoughtfully.

“What?” Peter laughs. “I know things!” He runs a hand across Balthazar’s cheek. “I know a lot of things about you.”

“Creepy, but ok,” Balthazar smirks, and Peter just shakes his head in amusement.

Balthazar really can’t believe this is happening. So many years of dreams, so many months of confusion, and finally: this. Had it been worth it? Balthazar doesn’t know. But he has it now, so who really cares?

When the two of them finally reach the shore, they sit down on a bench facing the water. Balthazar leans his head on Peter’s shoulder, and Peter runs a hand through his hair. They’re quiet for a few moments, relishing in this new reality. Then, Balthazar feels Peter sigh from above him.

“So,” he says carefully. “It’s tomorrow.”

Balthazar knows where he’s going with this, but he isn’t ready to acknowledge this fact.

“Mhm." He hums as he feels Peter’s lips move across his hair.

“I guess that means that some talking should happen.”

Balthazar groans, sitting up fully and tearing himself away from their so-far established bubble of bliss.

“Does the fact that we technically talked about something yesterday mean we can skip today?” he says, hopefully.

Peter looks at him, a soft grin on his face.

“As much as I want to take you up on that tempting offer…” He takes Balthazar’s hand in his own and gives it a gentle squeeze. “I’m gonna say no.”

“Ugh,” Balthazar pouts. “Fine. If you really wanna be adult about it and all.”

“Yeah, I do,” Peter says, laughing. “I just…I want to clear the air. So we can do this. You know, for real.”

Balthazar sighs, gazing out over the water. He knows this is important. This talking thing. But everything they need to discuss…it’s so painful. And right now, Balthazar feels way too happy to go back to that.

But he also knows that it’s important. That if he wants this, really wants it, then they need to put it all out there.

“Ok,” he says finally. “Where do we start?”

“Well, I’d like to start by saying sorry again,” Peter says sheepishly. Balthazar rolls his eyes at him, but Peter just puts up his hand.

“I recognize that I’ve already said that, but I just want to say it again. I’m sorry, Balthy.”

“It’s ok,” Balthazar says gently. Because it is. The moment Peter had arrived at vegan Fred’s, Balthazar had known he’d forgiven him. Even before he’d said “I love you.” In reality, Balthazar has always known he would forgive Peter. It was just a matter of waiting until Peter was ready to accept that forgiveness.

But this forgiveness doesn’t change the fact that Peter has hurt him a lot over the last year. And Balthazar doesn’t want to have any hidden resentments. So he decides to be honest: some explanations would be nice. Helpful, really. If they want to do this thing right.

 “Maybe…” Balthazar says. “Maybe it would be good if you could just kind of…explain. Like, where your head was at this year. Because it WAS a little… confusing.”

Peter looks pained for a moment. He runs a hand through his hair and drops Balthazar’s hand, much to Balthazar’s dismay.

“Yeah,” he says. “I wish I had a better answer for you. All I can say is that I think it was confusing because…well, I was confused.”

“About what, though?”

“About ME,” Peter sighs. “I just- after everything that happened last year…I know it sounds dramatic, Balth, but I kind of hated myself.”

“Yeah,” Balthazar says sadly. “I know.”

“I know you did,” Peter smiles at him. “And I know you wanted to help. But the thing is…I just don’t really think I was ready for help yet.”

“But if that’s the case, why did you agree to move in here with me at all?”

Peter looks thoughtful for a moment, but finally he just shrugs.

“I don’t know,” he laughs. “Because you were my friend? Because I still liked you? I mean, why did you?”

Balthazar ponders that for a moment, but he also can’t come up with a good answer. Finally, he just shakes his head and tells the truth.

“Because I’m stupid,” he says.

Peter laughs again, but he leans forward and kisses Balthazar, leaving his forehead resting against his.

“I think we both kind of are,” he says softly.

“I’m sorry that you hated yourself. Nobody else did.”

“I know,” Peter sighs, leaning back again. “And I know you tried to tell me that over and over again. I just really thought…I dunno, like I needed to distance myself from you guys. For your own good.”

“That’s dumb.”

“Yes, I believe we’ve established that,” Peter laughs.

“Even if you did think that,” Balthazar says. “Did you have to be so…you know, public about the whole thing?” This is as close to confrontational as Balthazar has ever gotten with Peter, and he already hates it. He knows that Peter knows full well what he has done, and he doesn’t need it pointed out to him. But Balthazar is trying to learn from the last year. And he really would like an explanation.

Peter winces.

“No,” he says. “But honestly, Balth, I- I really just wanted to help you move on. You know, get over me and everything. I knew you still liked me. But I didn’t think I was good for ANYONE, and especially not you. So, I thought it would be better if you hated me.”

“Yeah,” Balthazar sighs wistfully. Then he looks over at Peter with a sad smile on his face. “If only that were possible.”

“I’m sorry it was so confusing,” Peter says. “And I’m sorry about…you know, the chicken video. And Stay too.”

“You already apologized for those.”

“Yeah, yeah, I think the theme here is that I will be apologizing for a long time.”

Balthazar smiles. It’s nice, having this self-sacrificing version of Peter back again. Balthazar has missed him.

“Can I ask you a question now?” Peter says, interrupting Balthazar from his thoughts. “It’s an easy one.”

“Sure,” Balthazar says, hesitantly.

“The school thing. How is that going?”

The question sounds so out-of-the-blue that Balthazar almost laughs.

“What do you mean?” he says, squirming and looking at his knees. Peter’s hand touches his chin and lifts his face up again, and Balthazar is forced to look him straight in the eyes, where Peter is fixing him with a serious look.

“You know what I mean, Balthy.”

“School’s fine,” Balthazar mumbles.

Peter places a hand on his shoulder, and Balthazar can feel its heat through the sleeve of his shirt.

“Do you think- you know,” Peter says. “Next semester, maybe…you and I can work on that?”

“What? School?”

“Yeah. Your school. And figuring out how to make it less...you know, stressful for you.”

Balthazar feels himself starting to get defensive, but he stops himself. Maybe it would be nice, having Peter on his side. Maybe school could be better.

“Yeah,” he says. “I guess we could do that.”

“Good,” Peter sighs. He looks relieved. “Because it was really awful, watching you freak out. Like really, really awful.”

“It wasn’t so fun being the one freaking out either,” Balthazar jokes.

“Well NOW, you can come to me. Officially. You know, instead of whatever covert operations we had going on before.”

“Covert operations?”

“Yeah,” Peter shrugs. “It sounds better than what it was, anyway.”

Balthazar smiles.

“It’s a deal,” he says.

“Good.”

“I’m done with my breakfast.”

“Yeah,” Peter says, and he almost sounds sad about it. He looks at Balthazar hopefully. “Are you gonna come back to the flat? Today?”

Balthazar looks out at the water.

“Yeah,” he says resolutely. Then he turns back to Peter.  “I’ll go grab my stuff.”

“I can come help,” Peter offers.

Balthazar looks at him doubtfully.

“Vegan Fred will be there.”

“So?”

“So maybe it’s best if I do it on my own.”

“Ok,” Peter says sheepishly. “Fine. But I’ll see you soon?”

“Very soon.”

When Balthazar walks into the flat later that afternoon, Peter is sitting on the couch with Ben and Freddie. Ben looks up when he opens the door.

“Balthazar!” he says. His eyes are red-rimmed, and he stands up as Balthazar moves into the room, setting his guitar down on the ground.

“Hey, Ben,” Balthazar says. “How’s it go-“

But before Balthazar can finish his sentence, Ben has wrapped him in a fierce hug. Balthazar looks over Ben’s shoulder at Peter on the couch, but Peter just smiles and shrugs at him, like “what are you gonna do?”

“I’m so sorry,” Ben whispers. Balthazar pats him on the back.

“It’s ok, Ben,” Balthazar says. “Really.”

Ben steps back from the hug and looks him in the eye.

“You sure?” he says hesitantly.

“Yeah. We’re all good.”

“I told you he wouldn’t be mad.” Peter stands up from the couch now, making his way over to the door, where he gives Balthazar his own hug.

“Hey,” he says softly. “Welcome back.”

Balthazar sighs into him.

“Happy to be back,” he says.

“I made waffles, in celebration of your return,” Freddie pipes up from the couch, pointing into the kitchen. Then she looks at Balthazar sheepishly. “We missed you, Stan,” she says.

“I missed you guys too.”

And it's true. As horrible as the last few months had been, as stifling as the flat had felt, it’s true what Balthazar had told Kit only a week or two ago. The flat was home. And he’s missed it. AND his flatmates, crazy as they are.

“Here, let me help you with your stuff,” Peter says, picking up Balthazar’s guitar. Balthazar can tell that he’s anxious for the two of them to be alone, and Balthazar certainly isn’t protesting.

“Uh yeah, thanks,” he says. He smiles when he sees the sign on his bedroom door. Welcome home Balthy.

“It was Ben’s idea,” Peter says from beside him.

“Thought you could use a little welcome home,” Ben smiles from the couch. Balthazar can see that it doesn’t really reach his eyes.

Peter helps him into his room and moves to shut the door. Balthazar almost expects Ben to protest, citing a blatant violation of the rules, but it speaks to the new reality of the situation when he doesn’t, and the door shuts quietly behind them.

“Oh man,” Balthazar groans, flopping down on his bed. “I missed my bed.”

Peter smiles at him from the doorway.

“I’m sure it missed you too,” he grins. “You left your ukulele here, you know. Can’t say that wasn’t strange, seeing that thing lying around independently of you.”

“Oh yeah!” Balthazar jumps up and grabs it off the shelf, starts strumming. “Mmm, sweet, sweet uke.” He glances at his desk. “And my desk!” he says, plopping down into his chair and spinning around. “So many things I have missed.”

Peter sits down on his bed, and a moment or two later, Balthazar joins him.

“I kind of…can’t believe you’re here,” Peter says softly.

“I can,” Balthazar says sarcastically. “It’s my room after all.”

“Ok well I can’t believe I’M here, in your room. You know, dating you and all.”

“Are we dating?”

Peter stares at him, blushing.

“I mean…only if you want- I kind of, well, I kind of thought that was established.”

“Relax, Pete,” Balthazar says, grabbing his hand. “Yes, we’re dating.”

“Cool,” Peter grins.

“Way cool. Year 9 me would be freaking out right now.”

Peter laughs.

“What about university you?” he says, leaning in and pressing a kiss to Balthazar’s neck. Balthazar shivers.

“He’s similarly ecstatic.”

He catches Peter’s lips with his own. In his opinion at least, the time for more talking should be later.

Balthazar and Peter spend much of the next few hours catching up on what has transpired over the last few days. Costa’s dramatic appearance, Peter’s sonnet, the crazy Russian accent challenge. Balthazar knows it’s only been a week, but it feels like a century since he left, and so many things have happened since then. Plus, it’s nice to see Peter retell the events of the past few days. He’s enthusiastic, practically glowing with positivity, which is a side to him that Balthazar hasn’t gotten to see in quite a while.

Ben is gone from the couch when he and Peter leave the room for lunch, and they try to coax him out with an offer of food. He does eventually join them, but it’s obvious that he’s still struggling. He picks at his sandwich and tries to smile at their newfound happiness, but he retreats to his room once again shortly after, his phone close by his side. Balthazar wants to do something to help, but Peter convinces him that he just needs more time.

Later that night, after Peter has returned from a brief departure for play practice and Balthazar has sufficiently unpacked, Peter pops back into Balthazar’s room with two mugs in his hand. Balthazar is sitting on his bed, and he looks up when Peter walks in.

“Oh, thank god, you have tea,” he says, reaching for a mug. “Vegan Fred makes a mean coffee, but the tea over there was shit.”

Peter laughs, sitting down next to him on the bed. “Glad to hear you won’t be abandoning us anytime soon.”

“Yeah, for sure not.” They both grin stupidly at each other and then down into their tea.

“So, hey,” Peter says. Balthazar looks up at him.

“What?” he laughs. “Why are you looking at me like some…giant eyed eel or something?”

“Now that we’re dating, I can officially tell you that that comment was super weird.”

“I stand by it,” Balthazar laughs.

“Of course you do.” Peter smiles. “No, I…I was just gonna say..” He sighs. “There’s probably more stuff we should talk about, huh?”

Balthazar groans.

“I thought we already did our talking for today!”

“I mean we did a small part of it,” Peter says softly, and Balthazar starts rubbing his face with his hands.

“When I envisioned dating you, I really didn’t picture you as the ultra-communicative one.”

“Really?” Peter says skeptically. “And who did you see taking over that role? You?”

Balthazar looks thoughtful for a moment.

“Ok, you might have a point,” he says sheepishly.

“What if we make it like a game? You know, go back and forth or something.”

“How do you win?” Balthazar says skeptically.

“I dunno, we both win, so long as each person asks a question.

“Seems like a stupid game.”

“What if there were prizes?” Peter says, bringing his hand up to cup Balthazar’s cheek. His eyes flit down to Balthazar’s lips, and Balthazar swallows.

“What kind of prizes?”

“I dunno, I’m sure we can come up with something.”

“Ok, fine,” Balthazar says, trying to ignore the feeling of Peter’s hand now roaming over his chest. “We can play your stupid game.”

“Stupid?” Peter laughs. “I think it’s pretty clever actually.”

Balthazar just silences him with a kiss.

Ten minutes later, lying back on Balthazar’s bed, Peter seems to remember his mission.

“Ok, enough procrastinating,” he says, resting his head in his hand as he props himself up on his elbow to look at Balthazar. “No more prizes until you actually take a turn.”

“Fine,” Balthazar says. "What are your thoughts on llamas?”

“You really wanna waste your first question on that?”

“What? It’s a very important question.”

“I don’t like them,” Peter says matter-of-factly. “They’re mean. And they spit.”

“Peter,” Balthazar gasps. “I can’t believe you. Llamas are obviously fantastic.”

“Whatever,” Peter says, laughing. “My turn then.”

“Wait- no, that wasn’t a real question.”

“A question is a question,” Peter says matter-of-factly. “And it is now my turn to ask one.”

Balthazar pouts, laying back down on his pillow and crossing his arms.

“Fine,” he says. “But I doubt it will be better than the llama one.”

Peter looks thoughtful for a moment, like he’s mulling a million possibilities around in his head. Finally, he speaks.

“The Damien thing….” he says. “What was that all about?”

Balthazar laughs. “Yeahhhh, I knew that one was gonna confuse the hell out of you.”

“I mean yeah, we only spent all of year 12 talking about what a dickhead he was to you. It wasn’t my place to say anything but, I do remember that being the moment when I realized I really didn’t have any idea what was going on with you anymore.”

“I dunno,” Balthazar says, looking up at the ceiling thoughtfully. “I mean, fuck Pete, I was super confused. You asked me to go outside, but then you didn’t show up to my gig. Didn’t mention the apology party at all. It was a little bit…well, frustrating.”

Balthazar steals a look at Peter, and there it is again: that horrible, wounded look in his eyes.

“Not that that was your fault,” Balthazar rushes, turning back toward him. “I know you were figuring stuff out. But you gotta see how it must have looked on my end.”

“Yeah, I get that.”

“I think Damien was a little bit of an attempt to escape that, see if getting myself all wrapped up in you was really worth it.”

“And was it?” Peter asks softly.

“I mean I guess now, yeah,” Balthazar laughs. “But if you’re wondering why I broke up with him it’s because about a week into dating him I realized that there was no way in hell I was getting over you. At least, not with Damien.”

Peter is struggling to contain a smile.

“Really?” he says.

“Are you finding joy in my suffering?” Balthazar jokes, but he forgets how raw everything is, because Peter’s face goes pale.

“No,” he says. “Of course not. God, Balth, I’m so-“

“Pete-“ Balthazar interrupts. “Just shut up, ok. Being in love can be a fun thing. It wasn’t all bad.”

Peter looks reassured. He pulls Balthazar toward him and presses his nose to his.

“I can’t believe you were in love with me for so long,” he smiles, intertwining their fingers.

“I can’t believe how you keep constantly being surprised by that.”

“I just-,” Peter laughs, and he’s so close that Balthazar can feel the warmth of his breath on his face. “It’s weird, having someone love you for that long.”

“Bad weird?”

“No, of course not. I just don’t feel like I deserve it,” he says sheepishly.

“Well, I obviously do.”

Peter just sighs, running a hand over Balthazar’s shoulder and down his arm.

“I love you too, you know.”

“I know, you wrote a whole sonnet about it, you giant sap,” Balthazar grins.

They’re quiet for a few more moments, but Balthazar realizes he does have another question he’d like to ask. Well, many questions, really. But they have plenty of time to get to those later. He opts for the one that’s been weighing heaviest on his mind.

“Can I ask a real question now?” he says. Peter had just been starting to get distracted by the hem of Balthazar’s shirt, and Balthazar curses himself for pulling him away from that interesting endeavor. Peter looks up at him in surprise, but then he shrugs.  

“Shoot,” he says, slipping a hand under Balthazar’s shirt and running it up his side. Balthazar shivers, trying to keep his voice steady.

“Back at the apology party, when you asked me to go outside…why DID you do that?”

Peter’s hand stills for a moment, and he looks genuinely confused.

“What do you mean?

“I mean, I know we hadn’t like, officially talked about it or anything,” Balthazar stammers. “But I kind of thought you weren’t really in a place to act on anything yet. I really wasn’t expecting anything. But then, when I got to the party to check up on you, it was like you’d changed your mind.”

Peter looks like he wants to interrupt, but Balthazar forges on.

“And I’m not saying I was upset about that, but considering the past six months, I’m just kind of wondering…well…what happened there?”

Peter moves to pull his hand out from under Balthazar’s shirt, but Balthazar stops him, placing a hand on top of his, trapping him there. Peter looks reassured, and he finally sighs.

“Honestly?” he says. “I really don’t know. I guess I felt a little pressured? Ben had me cornered, and then when John showed up and started making comments, it felt like I had no choice. I just wanted to get them off my back, and a part of me thought, well, maybe we WOULD be ok. Maybe now was the right time.”

“Definitely NOT the right time, though,” Balthazar says, and Peter nods.

“From my side of things, I felt like once we got interrupted by Beatrice and everyone got distracted, that fact came crashing back to me. Like wait a second, Batlhazar and I both understand that the timing here isn’t right. And when you didn’t make a move either, I guess I just assumed we were on the same page.”

“I think to some degree we were, although to be fair, I don’t really feel like I had any power over what happened. The ball was kind of in your court.”

“Looking back on it, yeah, you’re right. I mean what were you gonna do, say hey, Pedro, I know coming out and everything is new to you right now and your life is kinda shit, but I’d really like it if you could put all that aside and date me already?”

Balthazar looks ashamed for a second.

“I mean that is kinda what I wanted…”

“Yeah but we both know you weren’t gonna do that Balthy, for better or for worse,” Peter smiles. He places a kiss to Balthazar’s forehead.

“It’s kind of a miracle, that we’re here,” Balthazar says. “Considering all these confusions.”

“Yeah,” Peter says. “But I’m just grateful that we are.”

Many hours later, after they’ve both fallen asleep and woken up a number of times, Balthazar wakes to find Peter sitting at his desk, editing a video.

“What are you doing?” he yawns, sitting up in bed.

“I’m posting the last Balth in a Bath,” Peter says. He looks over at Balthazar softly. “Your hair’s a mess.”

“Thanks." Balthazar stretches and stands up, padding over to where Peter is sitting and wrapping his arms around Peter’s neck from behind.

“You’re all warm,” Peter says.

“I was sleeping.”

“I know. It was very adorable and all.”

Balthazar kisses him on the cheek and Peter hums. God it’s amazing: THIS. Balthazar has been waiting so long for it.

“What caused the sudden inspiration?”

“I dunno, I was thinking about something I saw in the footage, of you and Ben,” Peter frowns. “I thought it might cheer him up.”

“Then why are you sitting here editing us?” Balthazar laughs.

“Because there was still a bit of that left too,” Peter laughs. “And besides, I like it.”

 “Me too.”

“I’m almost done, actually. Was just writing the caption.”

Balthazar squints at the screen, and he laughs when he sees what Peter has written in the description box.

“We’re talking?” he says.

“Yeah,” Peter shrugs. “I mean, it IS what we’re doing, isn’t it?”

“Well, other stuff too…”

“Balthazar, what a dirty mind you have,” Peter grins, turning around in the chair to face him fully.

Balthazar shrugs, pulling Peter back towards the bed.

“This is just the beginning,” he says.

“That sounds good,” Peter says. He’s standing in the door frame of Balthazar’s room, and Balthazar is sitting on his bed, fiddling with his guitar.

Balthazar blushes.

“It’s not really anything interesting,” he says, setting down the guitar on his bed. “Just me messing around.”

“Well it’s nice to hear that again,” Peter says, coming into the room and sitting down on the bed next to Balthazar.

“Yeah,” Balthazar sighs. “It’s nice to be doing it again."

Peter smiles back at him. They do a lot of that, these days. Sitting and smiling.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Peter says hesitantly. “About Ben.”

“Yeah,” Balthazar says. “How’s he holding up?”

“He’s not, really,” Peter sighs.

“Yeah,” Balthazar says. “I imagine I wouldn’t be either.”

“The thing is, I was thinking maybe we could…” Peter hesitates. “I mean-you can totally say no if you don’t want to, it’s no big deal…”

“What is it, Pete?”

“I just thought..maybe..it would cheer him up if…we filmed a video. You know, about us.”

Balthazar looks at him. Blinks.

“Oh…” he says.

“Like I said, you can totally say no. And it’s not as if we would have to talk about anything in great detail, and nothing that’s too private obviously…”

“No, yeah,” Balthazar says. “I think it’s a good idea.”

“Really?” Peter looks at him in surprise. “You sure?”

“I mean, it’ll definitely cheer him up,” Balthazar says. “And we can just…agree on what does and does not get discussed.”

“Right,” Peter says. “Like maybe we can…just not talk that much about last semester,” he winces.

Balthazar nods, taking Peter’s hand.

“I think that’s fair,” he says, and Peter smiles at him gratefully.

“Have I ever told you how much I like this sweater?” Peter says, nuzzling into Balthazar’s neck. They’re watching a movie in the living room. A good one, too. But Peter keeps getting distracted, and Balthazar’s not having an easy time staying focused himself.

“It IS one of my favorites,” Balthazar grins. They’re alone in the living room now. Ben and Bea are off on their own, comforting Hero. It had been a weirdly sobering end to the whole affair, Hero’s announcement about Leo, and Balthazar can’t help but feel guilty that he’s sitting here grinning on the couch only a few hours later. 

Peter seems to have similar thoughts running through his head, because he stops and sits up, running a hand through his hair.

“Do you think there’s anything we can do to help?” he says, glancing toward Ben’s door. “I feel horrible about this whole situation.”

“I don’t know,” Balthazar sighs. “I think the best we can do is just be ready when they need something.”

“Yeah." Peter lays his head in Balthazar’s lap, and Balthazar runs a hand through his hair. God, he has great hair. It’s so strange that Balthazar gets to touch it now, whenever he wants.  

“What are we gonna do, next year?” Peter says suddenly.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…Ben won’t be here and all. Do you think we’ll stay in the flat? Find a new flatmate?”

Balthazar can’t deny that he’s been thinking about this as well. The flat has been great, and they already know Freddie. She’s a good roommate. But what will it mean, the two of them living together, now that they’re officially a couple and all?

“I don’t know,” Balthazar admits. “I think…now that we know we won’t just, you know, stop talking if we aren't forced to be around each other all the time...maybe it would be good to have some space. I think that might have been part of our problem.”

“I was afraid you were gonna say that,” Peter says, gazing up at him. “But yeah, I think you might be right.”

“It doesn’t mean we’re never gonna see each other,” Balthazar says.

“So I can still come over a lot, is what you're saying?”

“Of course. Yes. Please. And if I live alone…”

“Even better,” Peter grins, sitting up to give Balthazar a kiss. He leans back on the couch after, throwing an arm around Balthazar’s shoulders.

“It’s gonna be weird, next year, isn’t it?” he says.

“Yeah. But better.”

“Much better.”

“Way wayyyyy better.”

And the next year IS great, of course. Sure, everyone has their ups and downs, but for the most part, things are much smoother sailing from there on out. Because everyone (even Ben) starts with their feet firmly and steadily on shore.