Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“C’mon Dan, we've been to three different restaurants already, there's no way you haven't found anything you like. You like chicken nuggets right? Huh Buddy? Ow!”

“You infantilize me, I pinch you.”

“Dan it's really not ok to hurt people like that when your upset-ow!”

Chris rubbed his arm dejectedly and glared at his touchy friend.

“I warnneed you.” Dan grinned deviously.

“Ok but the point still stands Dan, you're wasting our money and you haven't even eaten anything! I know you can find something to eat-i've seen the way you throw down your nasty grilled cheese sandwiches at home!” Elise butted in, clearly exasperated.

“But those are GRILLED CHEESES! My GRILLED CHEESES! My grilled cheeses at HOME! You don't understand! It's not the same.” Dan snapped back in defense.

“DAN! They have grilled cheeses here! They've had grilled cheeses at every friggin restaurant we've been to!” Elise was at her wits end.

“IT'S NOT THE SAME!” Dan was getting worked up, and when Dan got worked up, things never ended well, and on the other side of the table, Elise was getting pissed, and when Elise got pissed, things never ended well.

“Hey Dan, let's just order the grilled cheese alright? You can try it and see if you like, and if you don't, it's whatever! Were supposed to spend money on vacation, right Elise?” Chris looked nervously at Elise hoping she would back down.

Elise gave him a side eye, looked away, then rolled her eyes with a sigh.

“Fine whatever, it's coming out of your paycheck anyway.” Elise muttered, tension slowly evaporating off her.

“Yeah! I'm paying anywa-wait what?! Babe!” Elise smiled slyly.

Dan crossed his arms and leaned slowly back into his booth.

Chris sighed. “Alright then, there goes the new play station I was saving up for-WAITER! WE'D LIKE TO ORDER!”

“Chris don't yell at the waiters” Elise scolded and pinched his ear playfully.

“Ow babe” Chris grinned and gently swatted her away.

“Yeah Chris, Listen to your mom” Dan added in with a grin, wanting to join in on the playful teasing.

Elise stopped hard and gave him a cold glare.

Chris chuckled nervously, noticing the renewed tension, but felt his chest relax when he saw the waiter approach their table.

Chris cleared his throat and scrambled to grab his menu. “Hello-um… yes, can I get a ummm…ummm.” The waiter stood there with a blank look on his face, waiting blankly for his order.

“He’ll get a-”

“No wait babe, i've got this” Chris gave a reassuring smile to his violet haired wife, cleared his throat and spoke up again. “I’lll-I-I’ll take um, three grilled cheeses two tomato soups, four shrimp platters and the biggest bowl of mac and cheese you can give m-us, heh heh.” Chris smiled nervously up at the waiter.

“Aww Chris, you did a good job sweetheart.” Elise reassuringly rubbed his back and grabbed his hand softly. “Let's make that 1 shrimp platter and the smallest bowl of mac and cheese that you have.”

“Aww”

“And for the drinks madam?”

“Umm, we-we’ll take uh, a sprite for me, diet, a half coke half pina colada for the lady-” Chris raised his eyes seductively up and down at Elise which elicited a giggle in response. The waiter tried to hide his disturbed expression at the strange order and turned to Dan while the married couple giggled amongst each other.

“And for you mada-”

“SIR- it’s sir…and illlllll taaaaakkkkeee-” Dan picked up his menu and stared at the drink section for an uncomfortably long time. “.....Aaaaaa……water”.

Elise rolled her eyes and Chris giggled once more, this time out of nervousness, hoping and praying that the recent tension between Elise and Dan wouldn't interfere too much with the meal. Dan looked down quickly and picked at his cuticles.

“Alright ma-...monsieur” The waiter turned addressing Chris. “Your party would like, three grilled cheeses, two tomato soups, 1 shrimp platter, a small bowl of mac and cheese, and for drinks, a diet sprite, a *ahem* half coke, half pina colada” The waiter struggled out, this was a strange drink, but somehow one of the lesser of the weird orders he had received. “And aaaaaaa water” The waiter elongated the a, no doubt mocking the short mans order, he had just met these three and he was already tired of them.

Dan seemed to not notice and continued picking at his cuticles.

“Alright, your order should be out in around 45 minutes” The waiter turned on his heel.

“W-Wait, I wanted to add-” Chris yelled as he suddenly remembered the extra dishes he wanted to add. The waiter walked faster, within earshot but clearly ignoring the man's desperate cries for more macaroni and cheese.

“Alright then '' Chris looked sadly at the table in front of him and began tracing the rings in the wood. Dan, noticing his mild hurt and disappointment, put his hand on top of Chris’s.

“I know what would cheer you up buddy-” Dan paused while ruffling around in his jacket pocket. Chris perked up in curiosity.

“Oh god please not-”

“YOU GUESSED IT! ITS DOG SUPPOSITORY UNO-” “Its dog suppository uno” Elise and Dan said at the same time. Elise gave out a dramatic sigh, trying to send the message of how much she DISAPPROVED of dog suppository uno, however, deep down she loved dog suppository uno.

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Dog suppository uno, a strange name for a strange game. It all started 7 years ago when the gang had first met Elise in college, Chris had some leftover meds from his pet dog’s blocked bowels leftover in his coat pocket. The gang had been playing a slow game of UNO in Dan’s dorm when the medication happened to fall out of his coat.

“Hey guys! I have a great idea for how to spice this game up!” Dan exclaimed proudly, holding the medication hostage after learning of what it was.

“Oh dear god what is it-, DAN-DAN give me back the suppositories” Chris swiped at the medication, a disturbing realization that Dan was planning something…unique…with old Flufflebutt’s medication.

His long slow arms were no match for Dan's fast and nimble movements. Elise kept quiet, secretly enjoying Dan's crazy new idea and dying for him to add little spice to their dull evening. Chris eventually sat back with an exasperated sigh and let Dan have it.

“What is it Dan, what's your amazing idea that is just so great you need my dog's butt meds for it?!” Chris knew that smug smile wouldn't leave Dan's face without verbal prompting, he hoped the sarcasm would reach through to him. Unfortunately for Chris, it didn't, and the vertically challenged teenager managed to talk and keep his smug smile at the same time, which was of no shock to Chris by this point. His new girlfriend was of no help as she leaned in with a barely hidden smile, almost, no, excited?!-to hear the next line of creative bullshit that came out of his mouth.

“WHAT IF WE-....” Dan paused for a moment and rubbed his chin. “WHAT IF THE LOSER HAS TO SHOVE A SUPPOSITORY UP HIS ASS!” Dan yelled, he had a tendency to yell when he was excited, Chris couldn't judge him as he did too.

“NO DAN! That's stupid and inane! Besides-Dog medication is for dogs-humans can't even take that cr-”

“Yeah DAN! That isn't fun enough! Hows about the WINNER has to take a suppository UP HIS ASS!” Chris stared in shock as his girlfriend not only supported his idea, but somehow, made it even worse.

As the game progressed, more stupid and frankly dangerous rules were added to the game. Chris nearly gagged as Dan shoved the pill up his ass in front of his shocked viewers, and Elise nearly passed out laughing. The game ended on a high note in their eyes, as none of them had thankfully died, but the suppository incident had unfortunately ended up in a 3am hospital visit. Elise and Chris trying not to die of embarrassment as Dan detailed the entire events of the game in heavy detail.

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Thankfully from the initial game back in their college days, the game had gotten progressively less dangerous. Chris had learned to love the less dangerous (and expensive) version of the game and now the original deck of cards had holes, stains, and random quickly scribbled notes in any free space.

The waiter came back and nearly dropped his plates in shock as he watched a nervous Dan in the middle of swallowing a medium sized roach.

The three were so engrossed in the disgusting game they hadn't noticed the food had arrived until the noise that could only come from a man who had seen great horrors broke them out of their trance.

“OH! Heh heh, food’s here guys!” Chris blushed profusely and hoped the waiter hadn't been there long enough to hear him egging on his boy-his friend in such a childish dare.

Elise looked nervously to the side as her cheeks flushed red and Dan flicked the girthy roach onto the restaurant's windowsill.

The waiter shakily set the drinks down, trembling in fear. All three members of the trio were too embarrassed to strike conversation. When the food had finally arrived, it was a different waiter.

“FOODS HERE!” Chris exclaimed and began to dive into the shrimp platter at rapid speed. Elise picked up a grilled cheese and was surprised at its exquisite taste.

“Mmm, Dan, these are really good! You should try some!” Elise had noticed Dan had been playing with a string of cheese that had fallen off the plate for an unnaturally long time in the place of eating and hoped her positive review would get him to try it.

“mmh” Dan stared blankly at the sandwich while he absentmindedly twirled the cheese, seeming not to be fully present and mildly distressed.

After watching Dan's lack of reaction to the grilled cheese in front of him, and his strong apprehension to any of the food they had offered him before, Elise was beginning to think that Dan's pickiness came from a place of pain, not pettiness. She wanted to see if she could help fix Dan's problem without turning to Chris, and quite frankly, did not want to get involved with Chris when he was in his “feeding” state.

“Ok Dan, what's going on, seriously, you haven't eaten any of the shit we've bought you on this trip, and normally I'd be pissed but at this point I'm just concerned.” Elise whispered, attempting to avoid alerting Chris, but the sounds of Chris’s slurping was so loud and distracting she really should've been doing the opposite.

Elise waited as Dan’s eyes slowly unglazed and he snapped back to reality.

“Huh-Huh what” Dan looked at Elise, the passionate glint in his eyes replaced with exhaustion and confusion.

“Dan, why haven't you been eating!? I was hoping this was just you being uppity again but I seriously haven't seen you eat SHIT this entire vacation, are you sick? Hurt? Is it something in the water?!” Elise grabbed Dan's shoulders out of concern and quickly scanned her surroundings. “DId the government do something to the food? Tell me i'll trust yo-”

“No! None of that! Back off you crazy lady- the gov-NO! No? NO!” Dan swatted her hand away, confused at her sudden concern and affection.

“Then what is it Dan? Just tell me, I'll understand!”

There was a long pause between the two, and the only sounds coming from the table was Chris’s oblivious slurping.

“I-I dont know” Dan finally sputtered out

Elise was stressed, why would Dan be keeping secrets from her?! Their relationship had its rocks, sure, but they could always trust each other when it came to things like this. She was not happy with this response and made it clear with a loud huff and arm cross.

“You dont-you dont- there's no way you dont know Dan, just tell me please, I won't tell Chris if you want me to keep it a secret, is it because you're embarrassed? You don't have to be embarrassed Dan, you know I've seen you at your worst-right?”

Dan sighed and fiddled with the hem of his jacket. He didn't understand why Elise was so upset, he genuinely didn't know. He just wanted this interrogation to end so he could go back to fiddling with the cheese or staring out the window. Curses to him for forgetting his phone.

“I-I don-...*sigh* I HATE IT! The colors are all wrong! The crust isn't the right shape- an-and what if they poisoned it or something! I don't know these people and I don't trust them! I don't eat at these places unless I've thoroughly made sure they've passed all their health inspections-Burgerphile is the only exception since the food’s so good. Dan spit out in irritation, hoping the answer would satisfy her and this whole “inspection” would be done.

Of course Elise cared at the worst times.

“Oh Dan…”

Dan was not expecting that. He was expecting a harsh glare, a hard swat to his hand, a “fix your face you ungrateful child and just EAT YOUR GODDAMN DINNER”. Dan shuddered at the memory. He was expecting anything other than this strange look of sympathy and worry on his partner’s…no…friend's partner’s face.

“Dan…are you really worried the 5 star hoitey toiety restaurant going to poison your food?”

“I mean-yeah I guess? Doesn't everyone!? I me-I mean- they could right?! They have complete access to your food and-if I somehow pissed them off unknowingly-which god knows I do all the time, why wouldn't they!? I me-mean they all hate me anyways right?! They know how much I suck right?! Right?! Why wouldn't they want the pathetic sack of crap that I am dead!?” Dan was tripping over his words and his breath quickened to a worrying level.

“DAN, Dan hey look at me, Dan” Elise placed her hand over Dans and firmly grasped it, waiting for Dan to make eye contact. “Ok Dan your doing great just keep looking at me, can you breathe with me?” Elise took an exaggerated slow breath in and a slow one out, hoping the panicked man would model her behavior. Thankfully, he did.

Once his breathing slowed, the raven haired man busied himself with watching his buddy’s feverishing eating, ready to take back his pride once he was calm enough to speak.

Elise joined in, troubled that she hadn't noticed till now how poor the eating habits were of the two most important men in her life. God she was an idiot, how could she have not seen this sooner?! -Don't beat yourself up about it Elly, just focus on Dan- Right, right.

“So…that was weird! Great thing that's never happened to me before! Probably just the stress from the trip! Hah Hah!” Dan’s ego was already bruised enough from Elise noticing his food weakness, and on top of that a panic attack!? God he was pathetic.

“What's…never happened to you before? The food issues or the anxiety attacks?” Elise questioned, attempting to get more info.

“Gah-Jeez I don't know!? Both? Neither!? Why does it even FUCKING matter? Why do you even care so much about me anyways?”

Elise was hurt.

Chris was suddenly distracted from his food frenzy and caught on that something was up between his partners.

“Heeyy…umm guyys, is something going on? Elise you've barely touched your food and it looks like you haven't even taken a bite Dan.”

The two turned at and stared at him with an annoyed glare.

“Umm, I-I think i'm gonna stop by the umm lavatory real fast, you guys…have fun?”

Chris had been on a recent kick of replacing common words with “smart people words”.

After receiving no response except for an awkward attempt at avoiding eye contact, Chris hurriedly shuffled off.

“You think I don't care about you?”Elise had to speak in a slight yell as the evening rush dampened their voices.

“Elise-why is this such a big deal?! And why now!? We could have done this anywhere but you choose the time we finally get to rest to do all this feelings and openness stuff!?” Dan hugged his arms and looked the now traumatized roach on the windowsill, it hadn’t moved in a while, it probably felt just as trapped as Dan did.

“DAN! WHAT THE HELL! OF COURSE I FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOU! AS A MATTER OF FACT I FUCKING LOVE YOU! BOTH ME AND CHRIS! AND IT REALLY FUCKING HURTS THAT YOU CANT SEEM TO PICK UP ON THAT!” Elise was distraught, was it her or Dan? Was Dan just that piss poor on picking up on people caring about him, or was Elise just a fuck up who couldnt love or care for others no matter how hard she tried? Maybe her family was fucking right.

Dan opened his mouth as if to yell back, then closed it and thought about what she had said.

“You actually fucking care about me? Really Elise? All you ever do is shut down my ideas, stop me from doing the shit I actually GIVE A SHIT about, drag me places, and YELL AT ME!”

“I YELL AT YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU DAN!”

“WELL YOUR DOING A REAL FUCKING BAD JOB AT SHOWING IT!”

“YOU KNOW WHAT DAN, YOURE FUCKING RIGHT!”

“DAMN STRAIGHT I FUCKING AM- wait what.” Dan was not expecting to be told he was right in this argument, in fact, Dan was never told he was right in an argument, especially not with Elise of all people.

“Thasts right Dan, im sorry, im fucking sorry if ive been kind of a bitch lately, I havent been treating you with any form of respect and im truly hurt that our relationship has been so bad, in recent times-in ever!”

Dan was confused and disturbed, He loved being told that he was right and the others were wrong, but not like this. This was just...unusual to say the least. Was this a trick?

“And I want to make it up to you…anything you need to make you feel comfortable enough to eat again, ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL.” Elise gave a genuine smile and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Dan was stunned, was this a dream? Not only was Elise apologizing but she also said she would do anything he wanted to do. And she also said that she…loved…him? Dan chose that for now, as shocking as this new development was, well, he was on vacation.

“...anything…?”

Elise was already regretting the words that came out of her mouth, well, just the latter half.

Anything that prompted that classic Dan ™ smile was probably going to end badly for all parties involved.