Chapter Text
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single demon in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of an angel.
However little is known of the feelings or views of such a demon may be on their first entering a neighborhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families that they are considered as the rightful property of someone or another of their children.
Enter the humble estate of the Goddess Almighty and Lord Satan, an unlikely pair blessed with five children, all of whom were Angels.
'My dear Almighty,' said her husband to her one day, 'have you heard that the Netherfield Park manor is leased at last?'
Almighty replied that she had not.
'But it is,' returned he; 'for my underling has just been here, and he told me all about it.'
Almighty made no answer.
'Do not you want to know who has taken it?' cried her husband impatiently.
'You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it, damndest.'
This was invitation enough.
'Why, my dear, you must know, my underling says that Netherfield manor is taken by a young person of large fortune from the north of England; that they came down on Monday in a carriage with four horses to see the place, and was so much delighted with it, that they agreed with the realtor immediately; that they are to take possession before Christmas, and some of their servants are to be in the house by the end of next week.'
'What is their name?'
'Beelzebub.'
‘And are they an Angel or a Demon?’
‘Sure enough, they are a Demon, from my domain I believe’
'Are they married or single?'
'Oh! Single, my dear, to be sure! A single person of large fortune; four or five thousand a year. What a fine thing for our children!'
'How so? How can it affect them?'
'My dear Almighty,' replied her husband, 'how can you be so tiresome! You must know that I am thinking of their marrying one of our children.'
'Is that their design in settling here?'
'Design! nonsense, how can you talk so! But it is very likely that they may fall in love with one of them, and therefore you must visit them as soon as they come.'
'I see no occasion for that. You and the children may go, or you may send them by themselves, which perhaps will be still better, for as you are as handsome as any of them, Beelzebub might like you the best of the party.’
'My dear, you flatter me. I certainly have had my share of beauty, but I do not pretend to be anything extraordinary now. When a man has five grown-up children he ought to give over thinking of his own beauty.'
'In such cases, a man has not often much beauty to think of.'
'But, my dear, you must indeed go and see Beelzebub when they come into the neighborhood.'
'It is more than I engage for, I assure you.'
'But consider your children. Only think what an establishment it would be for one of them. Sir William and Lady Device are determined to go, merely on that account, for in general, you know, they visit no newcomers. Indeed you must go, for it will be impossible for us to visit them if you do not.'
'You are over-scrupulous, surely. I dare say Beelzebub will be very glad to see you; and I will send a few lines by you to assure them of my hearty consent to their marrying whichever they choose of the children: though I must throw in a good word for my little Aziraphale.'
'I desire you will do no such thing. Aziraphale is not a bit better than the others, and I am sure he is not half so handsome as Gabriel, nor half so good-humored as Muriel. But you are always giving him the preference because he’s more interested in books than men.'
'They have none of them much to recommend them,' replied she; 'they are all silly and ignorant, like other children; but Aziraphale has something more of quickness than his siblings.'
'Almighty, how can you abuse your own children in such a way! You take delight in vexing me. You have no compassion for my poor nerves.'
'You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends. I have heard you mention them with consideration these twenty years at least.'
'Ah! You do not know what I suffer.'
'But I hope you will get over it, and live to see many young people of four thousand a year come into the neighborhood.'
'It will be no use to us, if twenty such should come since you will not visit them.'
'Depend upon it, my dear, that when there are twenty, I will visit them all.'
Almighty was so odd a mixture of quick parts, sarcastic humor, reserve, and caprice, that the experience of seven thousand years had been insufficient to make her husband understand her character. His mind was less difficult to develop. Satan was a man of mean understanding, little information, and an uncertain temper. When he was discontented, he fancied himself nervous.
The business of his life was to get his children married; its solace was visiting and news.