Chapter Text
His dream is flickering.
The color is cozy and golden. The pictures are lively and precious.
There is a little boy, with little feet and little hands, beady eyes trace toward him and little body wiggles excitedly in his little crib . A lovely peal of laughter rings through the sun-warm space as he steps closer and closer. Sweet love surges up in his chest, so different from the love he reserves for Kinn, or even for Chay. The baby reaches out when he’s right next to the crib, so much trust in that simple act, no force in this world can stop him from letting those stubby fingers grab his bigger, more callused ones.
“Hey, puppy.” He whispers. The baby – His baby – laughs at that, how carefree and innocent. Adoration throbs in his heart, he can’t help but blurt out a soft, weak “I love you.”
His boy beams, making some babbling noises. A small rustle sound at the door attracts his attention. Kinn is standing there, wearing his pajamas as well as the most content smile Porsche has ever seen, as if he would stay there forever, as long as Porsche wants…
-------
Porsche is startled awake. The car runs on a pothole.
In his daze, he hears Kinn's disgruntled grunt. Porsche sits straightened, blinking sleep off his heavy lids, vaguely feeling Kinn’s rough fingers lacing with his.
“Where are we?” Asks Porsche, throat prickling. The residue of his slumber weighs his brain. Kinn appears to notice that, hence he uses a low tone to respond to him.
“Far enough for you to take more naps.”
Bangkok’s nightlife flashes outside the car window. Porsche turns so he can look at his husband. Kinn has his iPad in one of his hands, the other is holding Porsche’s. The worry lines are taut between his brows, Porsche wants to smooth them away. The light from the street casts on the arch of his shoulder, where his vest is wrinkled a bit, being a pillow for Porsche earlier. Naturally, Porsche reaches out, trying to fix the creases.
“If I take any more nap, I will sleep through the gala.” He mumbles, to which Kinn replies with a fond chuckle. His husband must find that funny, Porsche doubts the other would mind if he skips tonight to prioritize his rest. It was Porsche who insisted on coming, despite his pregnancy prompting it quite hard to stay up late and enjoy the gala.
To be honest, Porsche hates these kinds of events, forcing an artificial mask on for hours usually wears him out to the bones, fortunately, Kinn is better than him in dealing with those things and people. Now, bearing a tiny bean in his belly worsens his detest. They've tweaked it so Porsche can avoid unnecessary tasks; nevertheless, Porsche is still Kinn's right-hand man, a.k.a husband of the head of Bangkok's biggest mafia clan, he has his own duty.
Moreover, for a week now, the time they actually spend together each day is hardly more than two hours, excluding bedtime. The preparation to welcome their first child has turned into many aspects of work, burdening them down a little. Porsche missed Kinn so much. He has missed Kinn frequently since his husband began to take care more of his work, yet the longing is extra these days. It’s digging a hole, just small, but Porsche imagines he would trip and fall anytime.
“I met our boy.” Porsche starts, in order to distract himself from his turmoil, “In my dream.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Porsche nods, finally satisfied with the state of Kinn’s vest, “You were there too. How could you not know?”
Kinn’s laugh is genial, with a tad of silly, “Was I?”
“You were.” He rolls his eyes, playing the perfect role of an irrational husband. The memory from the dream is fresh in his mind, the same as the feeling flowing in his heart. Their puppy has made his presence noticeable, with his weight and size, with all the pain in weird places, and the number of sleepless nights. And, also, don't forget the first move he made several weeks ago, Porsche was so shocked he spilled water all over some important papers that luckily Vegas had a copy of. It was a pity that Kinn had a business trip at that time, Porsche could only cheer and cry and hurl his mess of moods at his husband through their long late video call. They’ll see their boy shortly, Porsche thinks, anticipated, only a few months more. “You will love him very much when you meet him.”
The car is dark, but it cannot dim the tenderness in Kinn’s eyes and smile. Incredibly tender for a mafia boss. He catches Porsche’s hand, which is caressing his own curving tummy, drawing it up to plant a kiss on it. Then he drags him into his arms, pecking his cheek, inducing a loud smooch just the way Porsche likes.
“Of course, I will. In fact, I’ve loved him already.”
The hole is still there, but he will be fine.
-------
The gala is unsurprisingly boring. Being one of the VIPs here, they don’t really mind they may upset or offend anyone, but greeting and talking – too many sorts of talk – are exhausting. When Porsche wasn’t pregnant, he would have some wine to entertain himself. Now without alcohol, he’s exposed fully to this obnoxious phony atmosphere.
That’s why Porsche needs some real fresh air. Kinn is in the middle of a conversation with some businessmen, so Porsche just subtly excuses himself. His husband throws him a worried look, he does that often lately, but Porsche assures him by throwing back his own one meaning he’s fine, their baby is fine, and Porsche is only tired. A moment of hesitation, before Kinn nods, kissing his knuckles and gesturing Big to follow him.
The compound hosting the gala is like a palace and Porsche got fatigued imagining getting lost in there. His feet are aching in his shoes and the vest is a little bit too fit it’s so fucking uncomfortable. He’s lucky there is a swing on the balcony, if he has to stand for any second, he’s afraid he would be ripped like a teddy bear.
The noise-canceling door must be the best qualitative, to block all crunching sounds. Only a hush coming from the vast garden is heard, Porsche also catches some faint buzzing of insects.
How long has it been since he last listened to the sound of silence?
Probably since he officially became Kinn's husband.
"You've sighed a lot today."
Porsche blinks, turning toward Big, “Huh?”
The bodyguard raises an eyebrow, “You don’t even know you just sighed?”
“Oh, I guess.” Porsche rubs his nape, embarrassed for no reason. “It’s nothing.”
“I know it’s nothing to you, but Khun Kinn may not think so.” Big snipes, he is the rare person who dares to do such a thing.
But Porsche just shrugs. As be said before, Kinn is worried a lot these days. It, on one hand, is sweet, yet on the other, can also be frustrating. They fought over Kinn’s overprotectiveness before, causing Kinn to try suppressing himself, but there are times it can be… intense.
Kinn has loads of responsibility on his plate now, he sleeps less and his meal schedules are a mess. Porsche feels his heart squeezed, watching his husband overwork himself. They fought about it too, of course, which led to Kinn having to adjust and accept Porsche’s help whenever Porsche could. Although, it’s not enough. In addition, Porsche thinks, just thinks, Kinn’s absence seemingly starts to take a toll on him. It doesn't really mean anything, Kinn doesn’t need to know, and Porsche has a tiny, little bit, feeling that this is only he’s missing Kinn, his mind is a bit overreacting. That’s why he, undoubtedly, needs tonight, staying beside Kinn.
His baby moves, feeling like butterflies in his stomach. Porsche chuckles, poking his baby bump, “What, you brat? You miss your daddy, too?”
The door is pulled open, Porsche and Big jump, the bodyguard immediately reaches for the gun at his waist. A young man stands leaning against the doorframe, arms crossing over his chest. He’s backlit, but his stance is too familiar and his hair is so bright both Porsche and Big can recognize who he is with their eyes closed.
"Tay."
"Hello, long time no see." Tay chirps, closing the door behind him. Big bows respectfully as he walks over. “Kinn hides you so well. How is my favorite MILF?”
Porsche crackles up, swinging his fist, which the other dodges with ease. “Shut up, we don’t need another Time.” Then he glances around. “Where is he? Are you alone?”
The sigh Tay lets out is as heavy as the way he drops his ass on the swing, next to Porsche, “Yes. I waited for him but he was busy, so I decided to let him be.”
Tay and Time’s relationship is something Porsche can hardly understand. While he and Kinn have been happily married and ready to welcome their first child, their friends – who have been together since a young age – still go on and off to the point Porsche believes they won’t ever not stuck together although Time will never settle down and Tay has reduced his expectation to none.
Despite how baffling those two are, Kinn said they love each other. Not just love, but the can’t-exist-without-the-other-one type of love. Mafia life teaches Porsche that everything is possible, and more often than not, people do the strangest things in the name of love. Hence, it does make sense, somehow.
His son moves, furiously asking for attention. Porsche can’t help a quiet hiss. Their puppy will be so active when he is brought into this world, no doubt he has inherited this personality trait from his Pa. Porsche is still familiarizing himself with the amazedness plus the slight cramp in his tummy whenever his boy moves.
“Pregnancy looks good on you.”
Porsche jerks his head up, he doesn’t even realize he’s smiling down at his baby bump. The garden is pretty dark, compared to the hall inside.
“Yeah?”
“Uh-huh.” Tay nods, Porsche can see his kind smile through the lack of light, “It softens you.”
It’s Porsche’s turn to smile. “My father-in-law will be awfully offended if he heard you.”
“Good for him that he’s gone.” The older laughs out loud, patting his shoulder. Sometimes when Kinn isn’t around, they joke about Korn, who is hated by them both and is lucky 6 feet under. Tay, after he truly knows him, is a surprisingly chill person. He vibes with him without any trouble, which Porsche appreciates a lot because finding a trustworthy friend like Tay in this world is nearly beyond the bounds.
“Anyway,” The said friend clasps his hands. The swing shakes as he folds his leg to turn toward Porsche fully, “How are you? We haven’t met for quite long, like… 3 months?”
Really? “That long?” Porsche can’t tell for sure, his mind has been whirred back and forth from work to family and being pregnant. “I’m good. Tired, randomly aching most of the time, but ok.” He pokes his stomach, “This little human is demanding.”
Tay giggles, “Kinn talks about you two every time we see each other, how annoyed.” He slumps on the back of the swing, ignoring his expensive vest might get wrinkles because of this. “He’s so happy, so I guess he takes good care of you?”
Porsche curls his lips, pride fills his chest. “Obvious. Kinn is the best husband.”
Smile remains on the corners of Tay’s mouth. He appears thoughtful plus longing for a short moment, but his expression changes before Porsche can implore. “I’m glad. I’ll kick his ass if he doesn’t do his job well.”
His face heats up with affection. For whatever reason, the memory of yesterday's sleepless night without Kinn beside flashes in his brain. How ridiculous, he shoves it down. “Kinn is fussy enough now. If he did his job any better, I would be frustrated to death.”
“I get it, I get it. It’s so him.” Tay exaggerates a big exhalation upward of the sky. “You’re his biggest love, and this is his first child. Actually, this is the first child of the Theerapanyakun. The pressure is huge.” He snaps his fingers, his eyes widening as if he has just remembered something “This child is supposed to be the heir, right?”
Oh. The heir. Porsche sags like a deflating ball. Right. A sore point.
He recalls, that when they first found out and went to their first doctor, the doctor said: “Congratulations, Khun Kinn, Khun Porsche. The Theerapanyakun will have their first heir.”
It was nothing, until it’s everything.
The look from others since they announced Porsche’s pregnancy – something both Porsche and Kinn had to consider carefully - are nicking and scratching his heart like poisoned thorns. They are curious, fearful, calculating, anxious, nosy. Porsche feels he is an actor in an endless play, with so many spectators watching and ready to laugh at whatever mistakes on stage. Being the head of the Minor family, and the spouse of the King of Bangkok underworld, he’s highly aware this is their life, any move could turn into a chess game with only a Queen and a King can last. Porsche isn't sure if he wants his child to be a chess piece, or a player, let alone allow him to rule this kind of survival game.
Porsche is not usually a thinker, he is a man of action, which sometimes leads Kinn and their people to freak out because of his recklessness. However, being pregnant seems to activate some hidden nervous system in his brain, overthinking has become a daily habit of his.
Tay grabs his hand, catching his attention. The older’s touch is as gentle as the worried look in his eyes, “You are sighing so loud. What’s wrong?”
It seems that not only is Porsche overthinking, but he also keeps getting lost in his mind.
“Nothing. It's a subconscious act.”
Incredulousness is so clear on Tay’s face, “Subconscious act talks a lot, you know?”
Porsche knows.
-------
They leave early that night, mostly because Kinn is concerned. A concerned Kinn is a paranoid Kinn. Porsche is grateful anyway, he’s quite overwhelmed after the conversation with Tay.
Or, to be exact, the conversation with himself.
Kinn is on the phone, leaving Porsche alone with an alluring view of Bangkok by night and the invisible yet tangible heaviness in his chest. Kinn’s voice in the background is a soothing lullaby, taming the load a little, enough to lull Porsche into a state of nothingness.
(In which, his mind runs miles per hour, yet everything is unimportant. He’s floating in the reality of his head. His body is tingling but grounding. It can be frustrating, yet lazes himself out at the same time).
“Hey, you’re so quiet,” Kinn says into his ear, taking his hand, so subtle as to not startle Porsche. His call has ended not for long.
Porsche smiles, turns to look at his husband, “You’re busy. I don’t want to disturb.”
The latter chuckles, kissing his lips, “Are you tired? I thought talking with Tay would help your mood?”
Porsche shakes his head, being with Kinn is never tiring. “I’m fine.”
Silence falls on them, the only noise echoing is from the car engine. Kinn looks at him. His eyes are dark and searching, as if he’s seeking something. A crack in Porsche’s expression, maybe? This is unnerving to a point, Porsche lowers his eyes – such a pity because he doesn’t remember when is the last time they spent time to truly look at each other.
Kinn is beautiful when he’s asleep, but he’s esthetic like this, vivid and loving and full of emotions.
“Baby, you keep saying you’re fine, but I know when you’re not. You can tell me anything.” Kinn finally says, a chaste kiss pressed against the top of his head, “I’m just… so busy these days, I’m sorry.”
The thing is, that’s the matter. Not just these days, but maybe these weeks, or these months. This notion of time isn’t what they can solve right away, even if Porsche wants nothing more than to be near his husband 24/7. Kinn must be a Superman to work this much, taking care of everything and still looking out for Porsche. He is doing his best and Porsche has to, too.
This wheels Porsche back to the story of being an heir. Kinn is a good leader and a perfect partner; meanwhile, Porsche knows he may not be the brightest in both fields, but he makes Kinn happy. Being a King, people tend to see you as the lone wolf, which makes their family a lucky case. Growing up being an orphan, left alone in his own world, then later watching his husband struggling with his position from time to time, the last thing Porsche wishes is for his child to go through such a terrible feeling of loneliness.
Porsche believes Kinn will have the same thoughts as him on this issue, he knows his husband. It’s just… choosing an heir is complicated and this is not the right time to discuss this topic.
A headache throbs in his temple, so he leans his front on Kinn’s shoulder. His husband is firm and warm, as if the sky could collapse and he would hands down protect Porsche and their boy.
“Porsche?”
Automatically, ‘It’s ok’ pops on the tip of his tongue, but Porsche has a hunch it would unnecessarily bother Kinn more. “Just a headache, must be from lack of sleep.”
Kinn shifts, Porsche’s neck is adjusted to be more comfortable, “You can’t sleep last night.”
Porsche nods, rather reluctantly because Kinn is stating, not asking, whereas Porsche is getting used to it, “Your son can be a menace.”
His husband bursts out laughing, one of Porsche’s favorite sounds, “He no doubt is our son.” Then another kiss is buried into Porsche’s hair, Kinn’s thumb idly caresses the back of his hand. “Take a nap, we have a long way till home.”
Part of him wants to refuse, since it seems like napping is the only thing he does lately. However, the presence of his husband, along with calmness in the car, forces him to take note of how worn out his body is right now. All the thoughts are quiet down, pulling him into an easy slumber.