Archive of Our Own ^beta

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“Please.” That was all that Kuni could think to say in the moment. That was the only thing coming out of his mouth. “Please, no please please Please Kazuha no please…” He continued on. His voice was cracking and he was shaking, a lump forming in his throat as tears pricked the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill over at any second. “Kazuha please don’t do this please you don’t have to we can- we can work through this I- I already know of ways we can please I just wanted to talk about solutions with you not- not.. This. Please, listen to me here Kazuha” Kuni continued to beg, pleases spewing from his mouth every second in desperate attempts to make Kazuha take back his words.

“I’m sorry Kuni, I don’t want to do this either. I love you but I can’t give you what you need.” Kazuha blankly states. Kuni’s heart filled with confusion; “can’t give me what I need? But you already have been..! If this is about the future and college, I know of ways we can make things work! I swear, I’ve been thinking about it over the past few days, I have ideas! Please, I know we can make this work, please, try with me here Kazuha. Please don’t do this. Don’t throw away our future together. At least discuss these ideas with me before calling it quits? Please?” Kuni felt disgusted with himself, begging like that. Begging to not be betrayed and abandoned once more. But his want for Kazuha to stay was more powerful than any other feeling right now. His heart was shattering, so many thoughts and feelings racing through his head. All he could do in the end was beg and plead and cry, asking him “Why? Why are you doing this?”

“Kuni, I just can’t give you what you need in the long run. I love you, but I can’t make you happy. It's better to end things sooner than drag them on.” Words that shattered Kuni’s heart even more. Was it something he had done? Did he complain too much without realizing? Had he said something that made Kazuha think he wasn’t making Kuni happy? What about all the shows of affection? The handmade gifts, texting Kazuha about his day when Kuni was on a trip, even the jealousy at others getting too close and too bold with their flirting with Kazuha. Didn’t Kazuha know Kuni loved him? That he made Kuni happy? Didn’t Kuni’s ‘I love you’s mean anything? All the time and effort he put into understanding Kazuha better, and working to ensure his needs were met, being understanding and giving him space when Kuni wanted anything but that? ….What had he done? Why was Kazuha just giving up…? Kuni thought… thought Kazuha loved him? Was it… all a lie? Did it not mean anything in the end? WHY wasn’t Kazuha trying to fix things before just giving up? Is Kuni just… not worth the effort to him? Was their relationship and future together not worth it?!?

There were so many questions racing through Kuni’s head. He was thinking of every possible reason Kazuha chose to do this, how he came to this conclusion that he couldn’t make Kuni happy; he was trying to figure out Kazuha’s thought process behind everything. Trying to figure out all the ‘why’s on his own. Searching desperately for any explanation he could be understanding of. If he could just find out the reasoning, he might be able to talk Kazuha out of this crazy decision. Kazuha himself said he didn’t want this afterall, didn’t he? Surely he could be convinced and see reason! They love each other, so they’ll be able to work it out for sure! ..Right? Kuni discarded the doubts. He focused on questioning Kazuha, trying to get some sort of reasoning or explanation behind this rash decision. Anything.

Every reason Kazuha brought up seemed like a lame excuse, all being things that either weren’t true or Kuni already had solutions to. Kazuha simply refused to listen to Kuni, choosing to not even think about his ideas and solutions, much less consider them. Why wasn’t Kazuha willing to try and talk things out..? Why was he doing this? Why.. Why was he being so stubborn and giving up so easily? Kuni began to feel a familiar rage bubble up inside of him. His brows furrowed, and hands formed fists. That rage quickly turned into more sobs and tears though. He couldn’t be angry at the one he loved. All he wanted, was to understand… Why was he being abandoned once more?

Kuni never got an answer he was satisfied with or that he could be understanding of. Kazuha had failed him, and betrayed him. All it would’ve taken, all Kuni wanted, was to talk about things together, in depth, before coming to such a drastic decision. Weren’t they supposed to be a team that tackled problems together? Who would do everything they could before making that final decision? Wasn’t Kuni the one Kazuha had wanted to spend the rest of his life with..? Once more, Kuni’s thoughts began racing. Intrusive, unwanted ideas of Kazuha’s words all being lies. All meaning nothing in the end. Kuni gripped at his own scalp, trying to maintain his breathing. He was heaving, breathing far too quickly. He felt his head begin to hurt, then feel light. This wasn’t good. He wasn’t doing good. He wasn’t maintaining control of his feelings. He began to tug at his hair and scalp, and when that wasn’t enough he dug his nails into his skin, desperately trying to ground himself. Trying to calm down. Trying to hold back his sobs and heaves. Trying, but not quite succeeding.

After a few minutes of being dizzy and uncontrollable sobbing, Kuni finally began to calm down. His grip on his own skin began to loosen, small, bloody marks being left behind as his arms wrapped around his legs. Knees to his chest, he felt much more comfortable. He buried his face into his knees, his breathing finally slowing but still shaky. Occasional sobs still finding their way out. “I’m a fool. Nothing has changed. I’m right back where I used to be. I’m right back to the old me. I’m never going to be able to escape this pattern, am I? Why did the universe give me hope like that? Just to rip it out of my grasp so violently? Why did I trust his words to begin with? I should have known by now, I can’t trust anybody. Not my mother, not my family, not my friends, not even my lover… I was such a fool...”

Continuing to softly cry for a few hours, mind still racing, emotions still raging and flipping and turning and spinning- Kuni eventually somehow drifted off to sleep. He didn’t change into his pajamas, didn’t brush his teeth, didn’t bother his roommate before bed, nothing. He passed out on the floor in his clothes from the day.

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Kuni didn’t go to his classes that day. He was entirely too drained. He had awoken that morning on the cold floor, still fully dressed, no blanket, no pillow. He felt the dried stream of tears on his cheeks and after wiping those away, fumbled for his phone. It wasn’t dead quite yet, but was close, as expected. Instinctively, Kuni’s knees curled up to his chest once more. All he could do at first as he sat there gathering his thoughts was stare blankly at his home screen.

Emotions began to well up once more, and a few tears made their escape here and there. Kuni was too tired to cry very much though. No violent sobs like last night. No heavy gasping, no light headedness, nothing but a few tears. After a few minutes passed, his tears stopped entirely, and Kuni finally decided to get up off the floor.

He dragged himself over to his bed, plugged his phone in, and let himself collapse onto his blankets. His face was buried in his pillow, and he didn’t move until he was forced to by being nearly suffocated. This was how Kuni spent his day; doing nothing but laying in bed on his phone, crying on and off repeatedly. He knew that not taking care of himself wasn’t going to help anything, it just felt nearly impossible to even try. Every time he would get out of bed or get off his phone, something, practically anything at all, would make him think about Kazuha once more. He was too drained for all this. He didn’t want to be able to think coherently anymore. At the very least, he managed to get a shower in and grab a quick snack before bed. It was the best he could do for now.

The next day wasn’t much better. Kuni knew that skipping his classes yet again would just make everything worse. Not having the energy or emotional capacity to care about how his outfit looked, he decided to just throw on a shirt and shorts and call it good. The rest of his morning routine became an afterthought. He had no energy left to spare for caring about his appearance or hygiene right now. He managed to barely lug himself to school. He seriously didn’t want to have to deal with a buildup of school work, but not doing it simply wasn’t an option for him. If his grades slipped, Ei would surely notice and then he’d have a whole new problem to deal with on top of this. Shaking his head to clear away that worry, he reminded himself: “I can do this! All I have to do is make it through my classes! I don’t need to even talk to anybody; all I need to do is get my work done.”

If only it was actually that easy, huh? Not even halfway through his first class he felt miserable and was regretting his choice. Focusing was nearly impossible; his mind kept wandering to thoughts about Kazuha. The teachers were too boring. The class was too boring. All Kuni wanted now was to go home again. Rot in his bed. Not cry in class. “Kuni!” Called the teacher, snapping him from his spiraling thoughts. “H-huh?” Kuni croaked out. Archons his voice sounded horrible right now. Was it obvious to everyone he was fighting the lump in his throat? ‘There’s no time to worry, what did the teacher ask?’ His eyes frantically darted over to the board. Did he really have to speak again..? Now of all times..? He was worn out emotionally, sore, didn’t get much sleep much less actually good sleep, he was frustrated, pissed off, feeling betrayed, feeling far too much and already fighting tears. He didn’t need anything else to overwhelm him. He was already at the threshold of his limit. Feeling like he was about to break apart, all he could manage to do in the moment was mumble out a tiny and pathetic “sorry..”

‘This is only my first class. I can’t do this. I can’t make it through the day. What am I supposed to do? What could I even possibly do?? I can’t be seen like this. What if he sees me like this? Then what? Would he ever even want me back if he saw me like this right now..? Shit. I need to leave. I can’t be here right now.’ Kuni felt himself getting closer and closer to shattering right then and there. He didn’t care about any sort of consequences from the school right now; he had to get out of there. That's exactly what he did. Once off campus Kuni walked to a nearby park and begged the stars that it would be empty. Wandering for a couple of minutes, he finally found a shady secluded spot. Laying down on the grass and curling up, he let his mind run rampant once more. The flow of tears came surprisingly fast, and though he felt conflicted by that he let himself cry anyways. There was no one here to witness him being so pathetic and weak anyways.

Kuni only had a few short hours to himself in the end. His pity party was interrupted by his mother calling. “Aw fuck, cmon man..” This was just going to make things worse. Kuni expected the worst. He didn’t expect anything else from his mother, afterall. After quickly clearing his throat, and one last wish to the stars that his voice wouldn’t crack, he answered the phone with his usual monotone and disinterested, “What is it?” “Kunikuzushi where are you.” Ei cut straight to the chase. “Wow you don’t beat around the bush huh” Kuni replied, his tone being evidence of his already building frustration. “Kuni why weren’t you in you classes yesterday and today? What are you doing? Whats going on?” Ei ignored his frustrated tone, something she was skilled at by now. “I’m fine. Can I hang up now?” “No, and I’m coming to pick you up.” “Ei, no. I’m fine.” “No you’re not. Now, where are you?” “....At the park..” Kuni gave in, knowing how persistent his mother could be. It was no use fighting her.

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The car ride home was silent as expected. Kuni didn’t want to speak to Ei, and Ei wasn’t sure of how to coax what was wrong out of him. As per Miko’s advice, she figured it was best to not try to force it out of him. “Ei? You missed the turn.” “I’m well aware Kuni, but thank you. We’re going home. I’ve already called the school and have a bag of your things in the back.” Ei wasn’t the best at expressing care through her tone, yet surprisingly, her actions reflected how much she did in fact care. It felt very strange to Kuni. He wasn’t sure of how to react or what to say to Ei. “... Thank you.” He went back to looking out the window; too many feelings were mixing in his gut. He didn’t know what to do about them and was too tired to try and figure it out. Eyelids fluttering shut, the time between his blinks getting longer, Kuni ended up falling asleep without even realizing.

Ei gently shook Kuni awake. The sun was already setting and the outside lights were already on. Miko came out and greeted the pair, placing a quick kiss on Ei’s cheek. The three walked inside, Kuni immediately being hit by the scent of homemade food. Miko noticed Kuni’s slight surprise and chuckled, “I figured a nice homemade meal would help you feel comfortable, I hope it's to your liking. And don’t worry, Ei wasn’t allowed anywhere near the kitchen while I was making it.” Miko said, a soft tone of voice with a hint of teasing towards the end. “Welcome home, Kuni.” Ei said before walking into the kitchen. “Go ahead and get comfy kiddo, your room is on the end of the hall over there. I made sure the bedding was fresh and clean for you.” Miko then walked off to join Ei in the kitchen, leaving Kuni still standing in place confused and conflicted about too many things all at once. This warmth, this welcoming behavior, the gentleness, the overall hint of comfort.. Kuni wasn’t used to any of it. He decided to just focus on getting settled in for now.

‘How long am I going to be staying here anyways? How long did Ei tell my teachers I’d be gone for? How long do I have? I can’t be here too long the work will pile up. If that happens I’ll never be able to catch up, the one thing I have going well for me in life will end up crumbling too I can’t.. I can’t that can’t happen I can’t let that happen’ Kuni began to spiral; stress over school work completely overtaking his mind. He hadn’t even managed to make it to his room yet and he already lost focus of his task of settling in. Absent-mindedly setting his backpack and bag on the bed, Kuni snapped back to reality and managed to do some deep breathing. Slowly, he took in his surroundings and focused on grounding himself. ‘Red books on the bookshelf by the desk… Orange pot with a plant in it on the windowsill… yellow lighting from the lamps… Green in the background of a photo on the wall.. Blue bedding… My purple bag…’ Kuni mentally went through the routine of grounding himself, familiarizing himself with the bedroom in the process. It felt.. Strange.. Yet oddly comfortable to be in that room. Unlike his dorm room, this place was clean and organized; cozy.

Turning on some music, he finally started to go through his bags. He wasn’t sure what his mo- Ei. had packed for him. While frustrated at the thought of her going through his room, he figured he would brush it off… just this once. There were 3 days and 3 nights worth of clothing packed, his computer, tooth brush, toothpaste, chargers, all the essentials. Ei even packed Kuni’s beloved cat plushie for him. Pulling out the plush sent a wave of embarrassment through him, though it was quickly replaced with relief and gratitude. Kuni put his clothes away in the dresser, quickly set up his electronics at the desk, and hurriedly changed into some pajamas. He was so ready to lay down and not get back up for the rest of the night.

His plan to rush into bed was interrupted by Miko stopping by. She had just wanted to remind him of dinner, knowing that he needed a good meal. “I’ll meet you in the kitchen, kiddo.” Miko said, before making her way back to the kitchen. Conflicting, confusing feelings took over Kuni’s chest once more. Being treated so.. warmly.. felt off putting. However, he felt bad for being put off by their hospitality and care. Could he.. Actually trust his mother right now..? Will she get on him about his dorm room? Hound him to spill about what's going on? He didn’t want to deal with those possibilities. He never really knew how he could expect Ei to react to anything. Slowly making his way to the kitchen, Kuni felt his heart rate increase a bit. He quickly calmed himself; he just wanted to have a nice quick meal before bed. Throwing out one more wish for a peaceful meal to the stars; he stepped into the kitchen and sat down at the table.

It had been ages since Kuni last ate a meal with his mother. His brain became far too aware of everything around him, he felt his muscles tensing in his back and legs, he felt the way the chair cushion shifted beneath his weight, he felt like his spine was unaligned and he was leaning slightly to the left, he was far too aware of Miko and Ei as well; how they scooted their chairs closer together when sitting down, their eyes falling upon him at first, wanting to pry about his personal life, before shifting to their food and each other. Their silent glances filled with judgment, just waiting for Kuni to break open. They wanted him to break, surely they expected him to. Surely, they were trying to make him break… He wasn't that weak though. He wasn't going to break. He could do this, he just- “Kuni?” His eyes snapped up to Miko. “Is everything alright?” “Yeah-yes sorry, just lost in thought. I’m fine.” Kuni decided to just try to eat quickly and get back to his room. If they didn’t have time to ask him about anything he would be fine. The sooner he got back to his room the better.

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Kuni attempted to make it not obvious that he was scarfing down his food to try and get out of there. He didn't want to appear rude after they did all this for him. There was already too much he was feeling bad about. Kuni could feel the lump forming in his throat. Every time he swallowed his only half chewed bites he just felt it even more. Should he just leave the table already? Meal half eaten? Would he be able to get away with the excuse of just not being hungry anymore? His breathing began to hasten. He was feeling everything. Everything within him and everything around him. Far too much of everything. It made him want to punch something. It made him scared. The skin around his fingernails were bleeding now. He was picking incessantly at them, desperately trying to find any source of relief or a distraction. It was just all too much and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold out for. Ei suddenly broke the silence, “Kuni dear.. You don’t look well. May I ask what’s going on?” Almost immediately he felt the tears form in his eyes.

He bit the inside corner of his lips; hopelessly attempting to hold back his tears. It was already too late however, and after a few seconds he couldn’t stop them from flowing. Kuni couldn’t even feel embarrassed about crying in front of Ei now, he already had too many thoughts going through his mind. He didn’t have room for the concern of showing weakness. As Kuni began to heave and sob, Miko and Ei scrambled to subside their shock and try to help him. They both hurried to Kuni’s side; Ei pulled him in for a hug while Miko started rubbing his head soothingly. All Kuni could do was continue to sob while he clung onto Ei. The three of them sat like that for a little while. Every now and then Kuni’s sobs slowed before starting up all over again. Miko and Ei thought it’d be best to just let him cry for now and didn’t try to make him speak, instead they offered occasional words of comfort and continued to hug and pat him.

Kuni wanted nothing more than to just stop thinking and stop feeling. He was sick of it. It drained him. He continued to cling onto Ei for close to an hour. As his sobbing became less hysterical, Kuni was able to mutter a good handful of ‘why?’s. All Ei could say in response to his pleas was “It’ll be ok.” She didn't know what he was asking 'why' to so she knew she couldn't do anything more for now. Eventually Kuni stopped crying. His body felt heavy, his eyes were sore, he really needed to blow his nose, sleep was starting to overtake him, yet he refused to leave Ei's arms. He didn't want to move an inch. Miko offered to get him some water and Kuni just weakly shook his head no. Being hugged by his mother… it felt so… conflicting. A part of him couldn't believe he was getting this comfort from her. That part of him didn't trust her. It was just waiting for her to pull a 180 and start acting as she used to again. For the yelling the complete disregard of his feelings the utter lack of care and concern. However, he was too tired care or listen to that part of himself. Right now he was hugging his mother and she was comforting him and that was all that mattered to him. While afraid the moment might end up being short lived, he wanted to enjoy it regardless.

Ei noticed Kuni beginning to fade in and out of consciousness. Unsure whether to carry him to bed or wake him, she decided to ask Miko for some guidance. "Try gently waking him first. If he doesn't rouse, then carry him to bed." Miko said before returning to putting dishes into the sink quietly. "Kuni? Kuni… you need to sleep in a proper bed I'm afraid." Ei said while she nudged him softly with her shoulder. After a few seconds and a lack of a reaction, she decided it was just best to carry him to his room. She delicately set him on his bed and made sure to cover him properly with the blanket. She placed a gentle kiss on his forehead before beginning to leave. Suddenly stopping and turning around, she glanced around the room. 'Where is it?' "ah" she had found what she was looking for. The plush cat she had packed for him. She placed it next to Kuni in bed and made sure to tuck it in properly too. "There. I'll see you in the morning." She faintly whispered before actually taking her leave this time.

Ei re-joined Miko in the kitchen. She hastily pulled Miko in for a hug and quick kiss, before burying her face in Miko's shoulder. She felt a few tears begin to form, her eyes stinging slightly from them. "Oh my, what's happening dear?" Miko asked, hugging her in return and beginning to lightly pat Ei's back. "Thank you, Miko.." Was all Ei said. An entire storm of worries and thoughts was passing through her mind yet she dared not utter any of them aloud. Miko could tell that she was holding back her words. 'Like mother like son, I suppose' Miko thought with a small chuckle before pulling Ei in more for a tighter hug. Eventually letting go, Ei took a deep breath and silently returned to cleaning. The two went about their usual nightly routine, Ei on dish washing duty, Miko making sure the table and stove were clear and food was put away. As Ei was drying her hands, Miko stated "You're doing a good job." Without even looking up from her task of wiping the stove. Ei whipped her head around in surprise, jaw hanging open slightly. "But-" "Ah, there's no room for debate on that Ei. You did good tonight." Miko said, finally meeting Ei's eyes. She just continued to stand there in slight shock until Miko took the towel from her and put it back. "All done, right? It's time to go get ready for bed dear."

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Hi !! Sorry for no update in so so long, I got over my ex quite a while ago cause he started dating a literal child while being a whole ass adult so !!! :))

I will be continuing this fic since I still dearly love kazuscara and my boy Kuni especially, however it will have a lot less personal projection in it !! The future chapters will NOT be based around me and my situation with my ex in any way shape or form so please do keep that in mind and I'm making it very clear because my ex has been caught stalking my socials before so I have no idea if hes reading this or not :D grovel or go away completely pls and ty Daniel !