Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

1. If you've been talking with Ichinose recently, avoid going out alone ever. For few weeks, at least. When you hear growling, you're allowed to have a sleepover with friends. Just message your homeroom instructor.

2. No, just because you heard stories about Ryuuen killing snakes doesn't mean girls are allowed to ask him to smash some snakeish guys. Or hit on you girls (Admit you're thirsty, no excuses).

3. If you see who keeps writing nepotism in English on Sakayanagi Arisu's door please inform a teacher. Yes, you will get points. And no, Ryuuen, don't try to blame it on Horikita Suzune just because Chairman kindly chooses to not punish anyone.

4. Do not ask Hirata to take care of your plants. His only source of plant care knowledge is Ayanokouji who is as fickle as Ichinose is prone to making friends. The responsibility is on you if the plant spits acids on you during some night.

5. Please be considerate when doing cosplay outside classes. Be especially considerate to not ask Katsuragi to cosplay Saitama; you would have to face the wrath of the student council president (even if the fault lies, primarily, on Ryuuen and, secondarily, on Ayanokouji).

6. We respect your beliefs, but avoid spreading rumors of ‘Silver-Haired Library Ghost Who Gifted me Mystery Books’. For one: there’s no such thing. 2: we do not particularly encourage romantic relationships, but perhaps you might be due some search. 3: if your condition has deteriorated to such an extent, we would be sorry to send you back to parents/guardian for required treatment.

7. Do not believe the snake-themed letters about having to pay loans to some adults staff on the school grounds for loss in business. (Unless you want to be stupid, in which case—feel free to pay off student debt as if an American student.) There’s no some business. Read your contracts, we know your parents didn’t either.

8. If a blonde senpai asks you to carry her bags, first ask her name. If she doesn’t answers ‘Karuizawa Kei’, feel free to do as you wish. But if she does, quickly make a run to call Ayanokouji. You can’t carry a tenth of her purchases. Our specialists doesn’t need another need to worry about another student’s muscles tearing under the sheer weight.

9. Do not follow any of your senpai in calling anyone the following titles: Great King, My Liege, High Emperor, Benevolent Lord. Especially, do not create any doujins in any form.

Chapter Text

10. “Learn Engineering With Lego Blocks” isn't a fraudulent course. But only because the student assigned haven't found how this course is kept a secret. If you feel your conditioning urge you to become an engineer through these means, reach out to Kanzaki Ryuuji (who also investigates this rumor).
    
    
11. We allow plenty leeway in terms of fashion to students. But try to avoid wearing gloves; especially run if you spot someone wearing gloves. And just because Kitou promises to pay absurd amounts of money to replace thrown away gloves doesn’t mean you should do too. Alternatively, you could do that and join the Unpaid Students Union of Garbage Cleaning.
    
    
12. Student council, you are allowed to manage the radio but please restrain president and Horikita Suzune from stuffing their sessions from praises and achievement of former student council president. Yes, we added his data to the OAA app, okay? Just, control.
    
    
13. You are Gen Z students. You should know Screaming ASMR is definitely a thing. And if you tend to hear it at 3:44 am, we give free noise-cancelling headphones for quality sleep. Preferably buy it from any students in Ichinose’s class, with exception of Himeno Yuki. Just don’t. And no, we won't make your room soundproof.
    
    
14. Of course the school does have a gym. If you want to strengthen your body, use that. And no, your friend gifting you shin breaking and money earning, with vacation to add seminar ticket isn't a viable alternative. And don’t trust rumors of Ryuuen funding it.
    
    
15. “Drink to something” isn't to be used in a sentence ever when: 1. Kamuro is around 2. Ayanokouji is in possession of anything liquid. 3. Ryuuen is walking around with someone holding a bucket or more.
    
    
16. Yes, 2 am isn't a time to be playing ping pong. But we don't care as long as you keep it in your room. If you accepted such a proposal be ready to listen to hymns of the “My Time Ceasing Honorable Lady”. Maybe you shouldn’t make assumptions that you can do equivalent of 6 years growth in 6 months like him. Refer to rule #42 which prohibits it.
    
    
17. Don't accept any hair products being sold by someone doing a perfect Saitama cosplay. But there's no problem if there's only bald seller, not a cosplaying seller. Science has yet to manage a cure for baldness after all.
    
    
18. Please don't argue about g factor or intelligence tests. 99% of you know nil about statistics or neuroscience. 0.5% of you believe you are born knowing that, for some odd reason. Also, class A students aren't reliable source of information here no matter what anyone says.

Chapter Text

19. Do not listen to Satou giving you dates. And Satou, stop trying to set up people on dates with anyone or anything. Sakagami sensei still needs help of other people to use refrigerator due to you.
    
    
20. Ishizaki Daichi, stop trying to petition making hygiene products free for everyone. The onus isn’t on school for you alone spending more in 5 months than fifty student in half year. And stop trying to rope in others to threaten us just because we aren’t detectives to find all of you involved.
    
    
21. As students, the proper reaction to receiving stories of gravure idol Shizuku is consuming it and then forgetting it exists. Not to start mass proliferation like you are being paid—more than us—for it.
    
    
22. If you see a girl with purple hair sleeping on a bench, don’t touch her or you will be electrocuted. Or burned if you are unlucky enough. Just send a request to the students announcement forum with a note of the location.
    
    
23. Stop trying to find distinctions between Amikura and Karuizawa. They aren’t twins. Just because Karuizawa someday happened to be good at academics doesn’t mean they switched classes.
    
    
24. Challenging people to a swimming competition isn’t a solution to bad grades, dense boys, whining girls or many other things. Kamuro was almost drowned trying to save Sakayanagi (who of course lacks the decision making skills to refuse an attack to pride).
    
    
25. Please make Kamuro drink a bottle of water if you see her. Most fail, but all we can do is try. And for god’s sake, don’t emulate her by drinking all kinds of drinks but water.
    
    
26. If Ayanokouji gives you physical training advice, fact check it with facilities available in gym (which of course exist as rule #14 stated). Neither he nor the school will be responsible for excess—potentially irrecoverable—physical damage.
    
    
27. Ryuuen, if your skills at linear algebra are so bad you need almost the entire class, please free them and actually ask Shiina for help. Because they clearly aren’t helping. And she takes half the space writing on library walls to remember that she has to go help.

Chapter Text

29. Don’t complain anything about Ryuuen around Tokito Hiroya. He will join you, and then you will probably end up not sleeping for next three weeks because he has a lot to rant.
    
    
30. Shibata, just because you dislike the thought of shark meat as food doesn’t mean you should throw students who like into a pool teeming with sharks. Other students complain enough about the aquarium being closed due to those actions.
    
    
31. “Straight as arrow” has never meant that you ask Ayanokouji to shoot a lesbian with an arrow. We don’t know who is giving him him a bow and arrows, but we will find you. Further, it’s not as if he needs those to begin with.
    
    
32. Hashimoto, you are free to call people by nicknames but that has to stop at replacing their actual names with your nicknames on documents, test papers, and digital records.
    
    
33. Hairclips are not an item of evils against womankind. Honami, stop flinging it away from hair of girls even if some, admittedly, are better off not using—some of just glue it to hair, it is not even their for its job. Ayanokouji, stop messaging her novel ways of destroying hairclips.
    
    
34. We know Kaneda cooks the best mushroom dishes. No, don’t ask him to teach you at all. It was too much hassle to clean all the mushrooms that grew on the entire fourth floor of dorms.
    
    
35. Stop trying to take your maths exam paper on rooftop for solving. Karuizawa is not a reliable source when she herself can barely pass. And that’s not how maths works.
    
    
36. Your cane doesn’t just disappear in middle of nowhere, Arisu. You can’t even reach anywhere without it, so at least come up with better excuses to ask Ayanokouji to carry you to your room.

Chapter Text

37. Stop recommending isekais to Ayanokouji. You all know why.
    
    
38. Ryuuen, stop repeating stories of a Shibu Inu named “Udou” roaming inside classrooms. Especially the irrelevant fact that it learned the mathematical concept of pi in the past year.
    
    
39. We don’t know who built the throne glued with a skull and scythe, but don’t sit on it.
    
    
40. Canes aren’t an acceptable gift, especially if its handle is a venomous frog. (How do you even find one here?)
    
    
41. Have consideration of your environment before blasting Guqin music to call for Kouenji just because it’s one of the rare things that works. And when we say that, we also mean asking Kiyotaka to play Guqin instead of using the low-quality audio from internet.
    
    
42. Mako, stop asking Ayanokouji to lift you upside down. You are not a shark, you are not replacing teeth when you get punched by the person (or animal?) we have yet to find.
    
    
43. Please don’t join Yamamura in standing still like statues at random places. 90% of you keep trembling more than buildings during an earthquake.
    
    
44. We don’t know to whom the eagle wearing a cap with American flag designs belongs to, however, stop trying to ask Albert for American flags to take ownership. 1. The eagle will ignore you. 2. The flags have a high rate of interest. 3. You will be expelled eventually.
    
    
45. This applies to every girl: There’s no such thing as “Dark Daddy Hirata”. (And stop pestering Karuizawa about what such a nonextant entity looks behind closed doors.)

Chapter Text

46. Twin mountains don’t exist to dishonor you. Forget trying to turn everything into plains because variations abound in nature for a good reason.
    
    
47. We don’t know who is doing it but stop carving stories on the trees around campus. Or at the minimum, get rid of words in your lexicon such as “ravenette”, “pinkette”, “emerald orbs”. Seriously, that’s not freedom of speech.
    
    
48. We appreciate students making full use of the library. But stop trying to apply each of the contents in them practically for sake of deep learning. Not everything is a lesson. Setting things on fire is apt only for the cooking club.
    
    
49. Stop erasing names of all but two members of the student council. A reason like “But they never existed??” is totally invalid.
    
    
50. Yogurt is not the new antidepressant in the market, don’t believe just because Ichinose recommended it.
    
    
51. We don’t know how you all managed to find an axolotl but don’t cook it for eating by the excuse “But it can indefinitely regenerate sliced parts.” Just no.
    
    
52. We don’t know who keeps sending snakeskin-patterned clothes to students, with measurements right to the T, just accept it. It’s free.
    
    
53. If we hear another “water is wet” messages around Ryuuen, Katsuragi, Ayanokouji—there have been reports of odd animals being found, so it wouldn’t be strange to find a hippo in a student’s room.
    
    
54. Yamada Albert, if someone asks you to deliver a flag, coloured with stripes of shades of orange and pink along with a central white, just deliver it to student council member Ichinose for your ease. She’ll handle it.