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I was getting out of youth group, Todd drove me back to my parents while Newsboys blasted over the radio. Then, as I finally got to the apartment, my phone starts ringing. The contact says Adam Torres. I sent him a text wanting to talk about our breakup a few days ago and he hasn't responded yet. Finally. I bring the phone to my ear. "Well, it's about time you picked up, Torres!" I teased. "I didnt think you-"
"Becky....? Is this Becky Baker?" Spoke a woman's voice. It sounds like Audra, but, somethint doesn't sound right.
"Mrs. Torres? Um, are you alright?"
"It's.....it's Adam........"
"Is he there? Can you put him on? I really need to talk with-"
"I'm sorry.....I'm so sorry...... Adam......(cries).....He's dead......"
These words. It takes me a few moments to process them, and, I'm completely frozen outside. "What...? No......No, you're lying to me."
"He was in a crash. They tried to save bim, but he's gone.......!"
"No! No he's not dead!! He's not!!" I hang up, and immediately start prayint to myself. This has to some sort of prank. But then, I get a text message, and it has 3 pictures. The first picture is the crashed van. The second is Adam in the hospital bed, he looks awful. The third picture.....is his family standing over him with flatlines. "No......! No please, no!! Oh my god!!" In a fit of rage I smash my phone against the wall and just fall onto the ground sobbing uncontrollably. How can this be......?
It's been several months since my first boyfriend, Adam Torres, lost his life in a devastating car crash. This is, one of those nights where I find myself just, crying in my bedroom in the middle of the night, after having all of these memories of us together either in my dreams or flashing back when I'm trying to fall asleep. It's heartbreaking. It wasn't that long ago where I believed he was my enemy, that he was a temptation that would pull me away from God due to what he was doing, and, in the end, he became everything i had ever desired out of a boyfriend. Someone who, despite who I am as a person, believed that, I was, "perfect."
How could that be possible? After both of the times we were apart, and my reasonings, how could someone like him possibly see me as this perfect girl. He loved me in a way I had only dreamed about, and, I never even got to tell him how much I loved him before he was gone. Why didn't I tell him sooner? Why did I push him away? Why did I let all of these things stop me from being with someone who loved me that much?
Ever since Drew discovered Adam's phone in the wreckage, and showed me what his last words were about to be, that he loves me, its left a scar in my soul that I've never been able to recover from, that I was his last thoughts while his eyes were still open. That alone has caused me to cry more nights than I can count, and it never gets easier. Maybe if I had said it back sooner, maybe if I didn't overreact to his hacking and just listen to him the way he would listen to me, then maybe his arms would still be holding me.
I can't even talk to my parents about it. They refused to go to his funeral because they still believed he was an abomination. I know where they believe he is, surely my brother believes it too. But no, not me. Even if his sin was real, even if he was what they claimed, someone as kind and caring as him could NEVER be in Hell. Even if he wasn't Christian like me, he was one of the most Christ-like men I've ever met, the way he got along with Everyone and was always there to help and show love to others. To me, he was an angel, and if Heaven is real and I don't see him there, then my faith is not worth it. As much as I love God, I just want to see his face, robed in the glory of Christ with Angel wings.
Tonight, I feel like this is the most I've cried. I've recalled every single memory I can think of. Our first time meeting at That party, volunteering at the mall, our first kiss, working on the play with him, standing up to my father beside him, everything. I've never felt my eyes more wet in my life, and I find myself mumbling and whispering to myself, "I love you Adam....." over and over again, wishing how much I got to say it to his face at least once before he died. They hurt so much, and I've got to go to school tomorrow, but now its gotten so torturous, walking the walls, seeing all of the faces of people Adam was close with, and Drew, knowing that the love of his life is there, but he's not. They try to reassure me that its not my fault, but deep down, I cant stop thinking that it IS. Now there are nights where, u just want to fall asleep and never wake up again.
Ive started taking pills to help with depression, and I look over, and I see the bottle. Maybe if I take more of.them tonight, I won't be able to cry tomorrow. Maybe, I'll see his face on the other side. "No!" my heart cried out. "I don't want to die like this." This is what I heard myself think, but my mind was constantly debating about it for half an hour. At the end, I find myself reaching out for the bottle, feeling like I need a few more, or a dozen, just to help me sleep and stop crying tonight. Its already midnight. But before I know it, my hand smacks the bottle, and all of my pills are all over the floor. I felt relieved, but shortly after, I'm starting to cry even more, that I just cover my head into my pillow and just scream out. Obviously I want to grow old and live a life. But now, every time I think about the future, the first thing that comes to mind is, what it could've been like with Adam. There were problems, like he and I couldn't have had children like I had always dreamed of, but there were several ways around things like that.
Praying.......ever since he passed, and, Luke was discovered to be involved in Zoe's sexual assault, I've been growint more and more distant from my parents, and to an even greater extent, from God. I havent spoken a single prayer in over a month. I don't even know what to say. My life has gotten so broken and confusing, that I'm afraid I'm gonna end up blaming the Lord who has given me life. If I were to do that, this pain im feeling, would possibly never go away. But.....with everything right now.....I just need SOMEONE to talk to. Someone who I won't have to look into their eyes, and apologize for how ugly I must look due to my emotions.
Finally, I can't even bring myself to walk, so I literally just roll out of my bed, falling hard onto the floor curled up in a ball. It takes me a while, but I pull my body up so that I'm on my knees, and lay my head down against my mattress, joinint my hands in prayer. Im still crying so bad that it takes me awhile to speak.
"L-L-Lo-Lord God....? I.....It's me. Becky Baker. I.....i....I know I haven't spoken to you in awhile, and....im sure I don't have to remind you if what's going on....." Sniffle. "My life, I dont know what I've doje to deserve all of this pain. For my family to turn into this. For my first love to he taken away...... I could never force myself to blame you for this suffering, for you are a God of love and mercy. And Christ died for these sufferings. But.....But-But I just don't know how much more I can take...! What Adam did to himself.....it wasnt what you had intended, and maybe it was wrong but.......he deserves to be here more than me....and I'm tired of missing him so much.........he was my angel. I loved him but now he's gone....." They're pouring down again. "Fuck....!" In my head, all I can do is swear, a habit I've fallen into recently much to everyone's surprise. I can't. I can't find other words to describe certain feelings. "I don't know why he had to die.....whether it was your will or if it wss fate. I don't know. But......I just can't do this anymore....... I just wanna see his face......I just wanna hear his voice. I want him back........because I turned out to be the opposite of what he believed I was. And he didn't see it in time, before i led him to his choice.......it was me. And all I want right now.........is just to tell him that I'm sorry.......wherever he is, I just wanna say it to his face......." I slowly lift my head to the ceiling. I reach over to my bedrail, and pick up one of his hats. Drew also found it in the wreckage, and, ive held onto it ever since. I squeeze it tightly in my hands. "If you can hear me.....I love you......Adam Torres......and I've never been more lost with you. Please......just...come home.......! Come home to me...!" I lower my head back to the floor, not being able to hold back anymore, and I just scream out letting the dam in my eyes break and flood out. I feel an ice cold breeze from out the window that I forgot to close. "Come home..........please......."
"I'm already home."
Gasp. My eyes, my head. Never in my whole life have they opened or lifted themselves up so quickly. That voice.....it's all too familiar. I'm too scared to turn around, thinking maybe this is either gonna be my brother and I'm hallucinating, or this is all a dream and I'm gonna wake up even more broken. But, slowly, im able to turn my head......
A figure is standing in front of my window. I see his face. His dark shaggy hair, his crystal blue eyes. He has a little scar on the center of his nose, that has been nearly busted open from the crash. He's not wearing his usual flannel, but now he's all, clothed in a robe of white and gold, and he has what looks like feathered wings on his back. I cant believe it. It's him. "But, you don't how long I've been waiting for you to call me down. It's not a complete paradise without my Becks."
My eyes are still watery, but he gives me a precious smile after he sees just a glimmer of hope in My eyes. "Adam.....?" I whisper with the softest tone I possible can.
"Well.....It looks like some of my claims from science class are more complicated than we thought. Just imagine if your dad sees me right now. Priceless."
This feeling. I haven't smiled like this in so long. I just jump to my feet and throw myself onto him holding his body so tightly, as is he was going to fade away and leave me alone again. I feel his hands holding me close, and I just cry into his shoulders. "Please don't let me go.....I've missed you so much......"
"I've missed you too. So much that it hurts." He pats the back of my hair like I'm a child. "It's okay. I'm here."
"You can convince me otherwise. Your touch. Your face. It's exactly as I remember it....."
"Am I more handsome than you remember?"
I chuckle, that's just something he would say. He was always one of the self confident and funniest giys I've ever known. "I dont know," I teased. As I hold him tighter, he feels, thicker. More muscular. "Your....your body.....you weren't this buff before."
"No, and I was always wanting to be. But God gave me this body when I got to Heaven." So he IS in Heaven? Then I feel him coming close to my ear. "I....I never got to tell anyone but....before I left the campsite and drove off, I sat in the front seat doing nothing but praying. I was begging God that you would take me back, and that I was willing to give my life to him if we were to get back together. I......I remembered all of the prayers from my old church and I spoke them all. I accepted Jesus into my heart, even though I'm sure he was against me. And I was going to find somewhere to park when I got your message, so that I could tell you about it after saying I love you. I wanted you to know that, even if I didn't like the idea, I was willing to do anything, just to stay with you. But then.....you know."
These words....I'm speechless. He was ready to become a Christian just for me?
"I......I don't even know what to say...."
"Then don't. Just let go when you're ready, and you can say whatever you want." And so I just keep holding on. "It sucks that, it had to end this way. But, I've never felt more blessed. I'm able to look down and see you, and Drew, and Dallas, and Eli, and Bianca, and Clare, and my mom, everyone. I can't describe it, but to be able to watch them all at once every day, I love it. I miss them all so much, but I'll never look away from any of them. Every day I'm up there, I'm hoping ill get to see them again. And I've never had more proof that God does love me. Because he gave ne what I had wanted my whole life, other than just my perfect buttercup. And he took me as I was."
I'm crying again. But its more joyful. "I'm so happy for you." I pull away slightly to look closely at his chest under his robes. "And....this body, it looks really good on you."
"If I was still alive with this body, I'd never let you walk again. I'd carry you everywhere we go." He takes a step back and moves the hair from my eyes, and takes a long moment to examine my face, with a glance of pure love. "I already know what you want to say. Just take your time. I'm just happy to finally see you up close again."
"Me too......" He takes a hand and wipes my eyes clean.
"Please. You don't have to cry anymore. I've never been safer."
I hold his hand close. "You're so warm......it's like I can feel the light of the sun all over you. Its beautiful....."
"I'm sure it is. But, I can't stay for much longer right now. It's past 12, and they're all expecting you tomorrow. I just......wanted you to call me down so I could see you. And, tell you that I'm sorry."
"YOU'RE sorry?!?!" I'm shocked that he's even saying this. "I was the one who-!"
"No. You weren't. And I am sorry. Im sorry that I went behind your back when I should've just talked to you about Todd, like you did with me and Imogen. I shouldn't have made out with her at camp. I shouldn't have hacked your account. I shouldn't have gone out with Missy to get back at you. Yes, that happened so long ago, but I never apologized to your face about it. And of course, I should've waited the next morning before I texted you. What you did, you were only doing it because you were confused, and because I was being an idiot. But I was so scared. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and the thought of being apart from you was horrifying. And I was nothing but a hypocrite, time and time again." He looks straight into my eyes. "And you were right. I was wrong for thinking you would ever cheat on me. At least, not with a surfer movie, muscle boy like Todd."
I smirk. "He's not even my type. He's all looks, but doesnt share you personality."
"I'm glad you and Imogen made up, but you should know. When I kissed her, I did it because I thought I could move on. Forget about you. But then, something came over me when Drew opened the door. I felt.....so gross. I didn't feel like myself. When it was done, the only thing I could think about was you, and the feeling that tickles my spine whenever you would kiss me. I was hoping that, the opposite would happen, but even before we backed away, you were in my thoughts. That's when I knew for sure, that you were the one for me. And I was willing to anything to win you back. Even if, I had to die for you to see how sorry I was."
"Adam......."
"I made a stupid choice, and so many people that I love have been hurt. My only regret in life is not being able to let ALL of you know that I'm sorry for your pain. Its not something i would've wished upon anyone. Not even for the people who made my life a living Hell. I hate it. But, like I said. This feeling I have now, I'm at peace. I no longer have to worry about someone overreacting that I'm a transgender. That ill never have to hide who I am ever again. And now, I dont have to prove myself anymore. God let me be who I've always wanted to be."
"I'm glad you're at peace. That you're in paradise. But.....my life will never be happy without you. I just know that it won't. I miss you......" I hold onto his hands so tight and my voice completely cracks. "I miss you so much! Every minute of every day! I just wanna be with you again! I don't know what else to do!!"
"I do." The whole time, he has never looked away from my eyes. But this time, he comes even closer, and looks to me with sadness and pain in his eyes, and he keeps smiling. "You need to keep living. For me. For Drew, for your parents, for my friends, for everyone. Keep going to church. Graduate from Degrassi. Go to college. Fall in love and get married. Buy a house. Get a job. Become a mother and have beautiful children, which, I recommend Adam and Gracie for names. Haha. And make sure they don't act stupid like me. Just, live your life. Keep that beautiful smile, and be happy for everyone."
His words are breaking my heart. "I dont know if I can......"
"Of course you can. You're Becky Baker. The most radiant, beautiful, living embodiment of sunshine, perfect smiling girl I've ever met. It's who I feel in love with in the first place. I don't like the idea of it, but I want you to he happy before anything else. I want you to find the love that you gave me."
"......Adam.........." I finally close my eyes to cry what ever tears I have left. I've been so scared to close them and look away. But he keeps holding onto me. "I love you, Adam Torres. I've always been in love with you."
He smiles beautifully. And his eyes, he looks like he's about to cry too. "I love you too Rebecca Baker. I've waited my whole life for someone like you, and I'm more than willing to wait until I see you in Heaven with me. Forever. Can you, promise me one thing though?"
"Anything...!"
"Stop taking those pills. Stop thinking about suicide. You're so much better than to do that. And it'll only make me heartbroken. When I woke up on the other side, i could see a fire underneath me, and I heard the voice of that hockey kid, Cam, who commited suicide last year. He kept crying out for his girlfriend Maya to save him. I think you should keep an eye on her. Zoe too. They might need each other more than they know. But, the way he was screaming, it was horrifying. I don't ever want to hear you scream like that, or any of our friends. Just, please. Keep living for me. I promise, I'll try and see you as often as I can before, it's your turn."
Its official. I cannot cry anymore tears. "...okay..... I'll do it for you. I promise......"
"Good. And, start taking to my family again. Start going to their family dinners for me. They'll appreciate it. Besides, someone has to make sure my brother stays out of trouble. God knows how much help Drew needs." We both chuckle. "Becky?"
"Yeah?"
"....I......I have to go back now. And you need to sleep. I know we don't want to but, I can't stay with you forever, and you can't stay awake all night. So, get ready for bed, and ill be waiting to see you smile when you walk through Degrassi's doors tomorrow."
He lowers his hands and I hold them gently as they're at my stomach. "Okay......Thank you so much, for giving me this moment. You don't know how much I needed it." I finally let go of his hands. "Fly high and shine bright for me, my beautiful angel." I turn around and walk towards my bed.
"Becky?" he whispers my name so tenderly. I turn back to him. "I love you."
I smile to him. "I love you too."
He then looks nervous. "Um....can I ask, just, one more thing real quick? You don't have to do it if you don't want to."
"Adam, you could say anything and I won't say no."
"I believe you. It's just, it's kind of silly. But I just want to know if you could do it for me. It would mean a lot."
"What is it...?"
"Will you kiss me.....?" Adam asked so softly and desperately. "Just.....one last time....?"
"......Aww Adam...... Of course......Please......" I walk over to him, and gently lay my hands onto his neck, just like I did the first time we kissed, and I slowly press my cold freezing lips against his warm mouth. I feel his strong hands, holding onto my sides so delicately as he returns his love to my lips. We took our time with these two kisses, as if it would be the last kiss of my life. As he pulled away, he looked into each others eyes, speechless, taking every moment to focus on each others faces. "Good night Adam........"
"Goodbye Becks..... I'll see you soon." It took a few moments before he turned around, and walked over to my window, slowly letting go of me. There, he stepped into a bright light and before I even had time to blink, he was gone. I was sad to see him leave again. But, deep down in my heart, I've never been happier. I look down, I've cried even more than I thought. The floor is soaked and some of my tears have shriveled up the spilt pills. Only one of them is still in tact, right next to my feet. I look closely at it, and without a second thought, STOMP!!! and I grind it apart into the floor.
"Lord, I thank you for This night." I pick up Adams hat off of the floor and put it on my head as I lay sideways on my pillow. "For you my love." And im finally able to sleep, excited to wake up and fulfill my promise. The next morning....the very moment I wake up, I can still feel the warmth of his touch and the warmth on my lips. I was so scared that it might have been a dream, but the window is still open and the pills are still ruined in the floor. I look into the mirror, and see my face is still a mess. But right now, I'm finally happy.