Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

My body ached, and I hadn’t even fought anyone yet. I’d barely broken into the Sanctum. 

From the outside, it looked like a once grand, but now neglected, former library, perhaps. The inside though was grand and warm, even cozy.  It would’ve been cozier if I wasn’t here to kill the Sorcerer Supreme. 

I sucked in a deep breath as I took several more silent steps, hugging the railing as I ascended the grand staircase. It was winter, and there shouldn’t have been any trainees or other sorcerers in the building. It should have just been Doctor Strange.

I paused halfway up the staircase, leaning against the banister while I caught my breath. I was in no shape to be carrying out this mission; I was well aware of that, but it wasn’t like I had a choice. A sharp pain in my chest made me cough, but I forced myself to keep climbing the stairs.

“Can I help you?” A voice called from the top of the staircase. I froze. Strange was blocking my way up the stairs, seemingly more confused than anything. His cloak fluttered around him, even though the air was still. “I wasn’t expecting any trainees. Who sent you?”

That would explain it. I hesitated, unsure if I should fake the part of a sorcerer in training, or just get the job done and over with. Strange narrowed his eyes suspiciously. He was beginning to sense that something was off. “What are you doing here?” 

Well, that was that, then. 

“I’m here to kill you.” I managed to say as I unsheathed the staff at my side. I gave it a sharp shake, and it sprung to full length. 

He eyed me. “Really?” He didn’t seem concerned in the slightest; in fact, he took a couple of steps down the stairs, forcing me to back up. “This has to be a joke. Who put you up to this? Was it Wong?”

“I’m from HYDRA.” I said through gritted teeth. His expression changed for a microsecond. 

“And they only sent you?” He asked, approaching me again. My survival instincts told me to run. I could practically feel the hum of magic in the air, and it only became stronger when he came closer. But this time, I wasn’t going to back down. I had to do the job I came here to do. 

I lunged at him, but I immediately felt a searing pain across my forearm, causing me to drop my staff. It clattered down the staircase, and I scrambled after it, attempting to throw up a magical barrier behind me, but I faltered when the pain from the whip finally hit me. My arm burned, and as I grabbed my weapon I saw where the glowing whip had connected with my arm and burned through my suit, all but melting the fabric to my skin. My head whipped up from assessing my arm to watch as Strange floated down the stairs by his cloak. The sudden movement made the room spin a little. 

“I’m going to give you a chance.” Strange said calmly. “You can leave. I won’t stop you, I won’t even ask you how HYDRA found the Sanctum.” 

“I can’t do that. I’m sorry.” My voice faltered, but I quickly regained my composure. Strange frowned, taking a few cautious steps closer to me. I readied myself for his attack, but when he didn’t attack first I seized the opportunity. I focused on trying to injure his hands, since that’s how he was using his magic.  He conjured another glowing rope, but I forced myself not to back down. I couldn’t fail this mission. I just couldn’t.

When the magician finally grew tired of fending off my attacks, he produced his own glowing staff - identical to mine. He obviously wasn’t very well trained in hand to hand combat, because I actually managed to gain the upper hand in the beginning. He deflected my initial downward blow, and twisted his staff to meet my diagonal strike midair. The stitches in my back tore at the movement, but I barely noticed.

I was too slow, and had to twist awkwardly to block his next attack, leaving my side undefended. He struck, his staff hitting me hard in the bandaged ribs. I saw white and crumpled, coughing and gasping in pain as I twisted onto my side, instinctively struggling to shield myself from any more pain. 

I watched helplessly as Strange kicked the staff out of my reach when he realized I was trying to pull it back to my hand with magic. I shrank back, almost expecting him to kick me instead, and struggled to crawl away from him despite the agony every movement brought me. I let out a choked sound when I fell back onto my side, curling into myself. The reality of the situation was beginning to set in all too quickly. 

Strange frowned as he knelt beside me. 

"Get- get away from me." Weak magic sputtered from my fingertips then died out completely. I didn't have the energy for anything else; I shouldn't have even wasted the energy on that. He didn't seem very concerned by my pathetic warning.

I flinched when Strange grabbed me by the arm that hadn't been burned and hauled me to my feet while he opened a portal. He dragged me through it with him before finally releasing me. I staggered forward, surprised when I hit a clear wall. It was a containment cell; something that was all too familiar. If my heart hadn't been beating out of my chest before, it definitely was now. Blood rushed in my ears, nearly drowning out any other sound.

I sagged against the wall, letting my injured body slump onto the floor. My breaths were labored and shallow, and it was getting increasingly hard to breathe without triggering a sharp spasm of pain to my lungs. I was shaking badly, cowering against the wall as Strange's piercing gaze studied me.

Without another word, he turned and left, the invisible walls of the cell rippling to allow him through. It was a struggle, but I dragged myself around the perimeter of the cell, testing its barriers. I finally decided it was about the size of a broom closet. 

I tried to see outside the walls of the cell. I wasn't sure if it was the way my head swam, or an effect of the barrier, but it seemed like everything outside of it was just slightly distorted. At least, enough so it was possible to see a short distance, but anything farther than a few metres was impossible to distinguish. 

Another tremor ran through my body. The cold floor seeped through the thin material of my suit. I wrapped my arms around myself, curling into a tight ball and shielding my head and rib cage to protect myself when Strange came back.  It felt like hours, and he still hadn't returned. How long was he planning on keeping me here?

I pressed myself into the corner and let out a shuddering breath. I could feel blood dripping down my back from when the stitches of the surgical wounds on my back had opened during our fight. It was hot and sticky and uncomfortable, but that discomfort was hardly even comparable to the agony that was my ribs and lungs. My broken ribs had shifted, and I was almost certain if I moved even a little bit wrong, it would puncture my lung. Every time I inhaled and my lungs expanded, I felt a sharp, stabbing pain of protest. I could suck in shallow breaths, and even that caused me pain.

Without the looming threat, exhaustion finally set in. I let myself give in to the painlessness of unconsciousness.

—

I jerked awake when I heard footsteps. The invisible wall rippled to allow Strange in. I blindly scrambled to force myself into a sitting position, ignoring the agonizingly sharp pain the movement caused, and how much weaker I felt now. How long had I even been here?

"So…I'm going to need you to answer some questions." Strange crossed his arms, his expression unreadable. I was silent. "First of all, I need to know how HYDRA found the Sanctum."

"I don't know." I said quietly. "I promise. I don't- I'm not important enough to know that. They just send me on missions. I don't have a choice." I quickly added, shrinking into myself, hugging my rib cage defensively. 

"So they just sent you here to kill me? That's all you know?" He asked in frustration. I nodded silently. 

"That's all I know, I'm sorry. Please, please just…kill me. I can't go back there. I-I can't." I managed to choke out. There was no point in denying the truth; this was what I wanted, after all.

Strange seemed taken aback by my pleading. "What's your mission here, exactly?" He asked, ignoring what I had just said. 

"I told you. HYDRA sent me to kill you." I rasped, coughing.  I squeezed my eyes shut, sucking in several shallow, painful breaths. I gave in to my exhaustion and laid on my side, looking up at the sorcerer looming over me. Everything hurt, and my vision was starting to become spotty. Strange watched me carefully, the frown on his face deepening. He came closer, and I instinctively shrank back, shaking. "I-I didn't have a choice. Please." I begged. 

I squeezed my eyes shut, shielding my injured body and waiting for the inevitable. When nothing happened, I slowly opened my eyes. He was kneeling beside me, observing me. 

"You're hurt." He finally said, his face softening as he noted the desperation in my voice. It seemed like he hadn't realized the true extent of my injuries. "I didn't do this to you."

"What happened?" He asks in a gentler voice. I shook my head in response.

I swallowed down the metallic taste in the back of my throat. "Please just kill me." I begged softly. "They'll- the experiments- Please . I don't want to go back. I can't ."

"To HYDRA?" He asked. I nodded silently. 

Doctor Strange was the biggest target they had given me yet, but still, I knew if I came back empty handed, the consequences would be worse than anything I had faced yet.

Strange seemed to be having an internal battle, but he finally said, "I'm not letting you go back to HYDRA."

"You don't understand." I murmured. "They'll find me. They always find me. I can't escape them but I-I can't go back. Please. Please, I don't want to go back."

"I can assure you you're safe here." 

"Kill me." I pleaded, my voice cracking. I struggled to my elbows, coughing and gasping. He frowned before reaching out to me. My instincts kicked in. I flinched, scrambling backwards and curling into myself defensively, shaking. 

He pulled his hand back cautiously. "I'm not going to kill you." He said finally, leaving no room for argument. "And I won't hurt you either. You're safe here." 

"I know you want information. That's-that's why you're keeping me alive. I don't know much but I can tell you everything I know. Just-" I started to beg again.

"No." I flinched when he cut me off. It seemed like no matter when I offered him in return, he wasn't going to give me the fate I asked for. I watched in disbelief as he sighed in frustration before turning and walking through the barrier without another word, leaving me completely and utterly alone. 

The feeling of being captive wasn't new to me, but at least I had an idea what their plans for me at HYDRA were. Here, in this strange and unfamiliar jail cell, I had no clue what the sorcerer's plans for me were. I had offered him the only thing I could think of that he might want from me: information. And he had ignored it even though the deal worked entirely in his favor. 

That's because, unbeknownst to me, Strange was beginning to realize my situation. He thought back to what I had stammered out in fear before, something about experiments. About how I begged for him to end my life just so I didn't have to go back to HYDRA. That wasn't something a voluntary HYDRA agent would do.

Then, there was the fact that I had been injured badly before I had even come to the Sanctum. He wasn't sure what they were exactly, but the severity was more than obvious to him. I was exhausted, weak, and malnourished, and my body was likely going into shock by now. He knew there was no way he had hurt me that badly when we fought. He studied my frail form from a distance far enough away that I couldn't see him through the distorted barrier, not that it mattered anyway. I was curled up on my side in the corner of the cell, arms wrapped around myself protectively. From how defensive I had seemed of my midsection, he determined that I might have broken or fractured ribs that were putting pressure on my lungs, making it hard to breathe. He frowned in thought.

Had it been HYDRA? He wondered. Why would they send an agent on a mission that was clearly too weak and damaged to be of any use? But why would they send an agent out on an impossible mission like that if they were anything but disposable? 

He paced just out of my view, thoughts racing. He was trying to make sense of my situation. Everything was conflicting, and none of it made any logical sense. He didn’t want to help a HYDRA agent, but he also didn’t want to hurt an innocent. 

The injuries and desperation were beginning to make more sense to him now; I wasn't a loyal agent, I was a victim and a lab rat to them. HYDRA didn't care if I survived or not, they only cared about what they could learn from their experiments on me and my failures.

Strange watched me shift in the corner of the cell, obviously trying to find a way to lay that wouldn't put pressure on my ribs. With his new perception, the sight of my beaten frame ignited something in him; an anger and determination he hadn't felt in a long time.

Chapter Text

I barely stirred when Strange stepped into the cell. He purposely scuffed his heels on the floor, alerting me of his presence. I finally forced my eyes open, but it took several moments for me to become coherent. When I did, the fear was clear in my eyes, but I was too weak to do anything about it. Exhaustion pulled at my body, and I could only press my back against the wall and wait for him to hurt me.

Strange knelt beside me, his eyes roaming over my battered form. He seemed to take notice for the first time now just how malnourished and injured I was. Feeling uncomfortable from the way he studied me, I curled up in pain. My breaths were ragged, my eyes glassy as I looked up at him. He hesitated before reaching out to put a hand on my shoulder, forcing me to lie on my back. I didn't have the energy to fight him. 

"D-don't hurt me." I whimpered. His hands went to the hem of my shirt and I let out a quiet noise of protest, weakly pushing against his hands. Even that took all of my energy, and it wasn't hard for Strange to capture my hands in his and gently force them to my sides. "Please I- Please don't hurt me. I can't-" 

He shushed me and carefully peeled the sweat and blood dampened fabric of my suit from my torso, assessing the extent of my injuries before he made any decision to move me. 

“I don’t expect you to tell me anything that you don’t want to. And I know that you don’t trust me.” Strange continued. “But I’m trying to help you, so I’m going to be blunt.

His tone softened. "I know why HYDRA sent you here, and I know what they did to you…They're experimenting on you, aren't they?"  He gauged my reaction to see how close he was to the truth. The shock and horror in my eyes told him all he needed to know. 

"None of this is by your choice, I'm guessing. So I'm going to help you, okay? I won't hurt you. You'll be safe from HYDRA." He explained as he examined my bruised torso. When his gaze fell onto my ribcage, he grimaced. It was nearly covered in bruises, as was the rest of my middle. It wasn't hard for Strange to see that several of my ribs were broken, given that my ribs were concerningly visible, and he could see them shifting beneath my skin. When I squirmed, he could watch my broken ribs move and poke at my skin. He had the sickening feeling that these were from the ‘experiments’ that HYDRA had done.

Strange gently lifted me into his arms, and I moaned quietly in pain. He frowned when he felt how light my body was. 

"N-no. No, please. Don't hurt me," I begged brokenly, feebly struggling against him. 

My chest rose and fell quickly with  shallow, rapid breaths, but he did his best to soothe me. I finally stopped struggling, but only because I was completely drained. All of the injuries were taking their toll, and if it hadn't been for my somewhat enhanced healing, I would have definitely been dead by now. 

The hallways spun and contorted. My head lolled against Strange's chest as he carried me through the Sanctum, even though I still struggled against his hold. Despite my fighting, he never once raised his voice or showed any irritation. He held a steady, gentle tone as he continued to reassure me. "You're safe. I just need to examine you. I won't hurt you." 

He gently laid my injured body on a soft surface. A bed in the healing room which, Strange recalled, was really only there for the new recruits, who were all too often injuring each other. During the winter, when everyone was gone, the room usually only collected dust.  

He quickly got to work examining my injuries. They were severe, but even the most grievous injuries could be healed if given enough time and proper treatment. I watched his every move through bleary vision as I struggled to stay conscious, not yet wanting to be entirely at his mercy. He left and came back with something in his hands I couldn't quite make out.

"No. No no no." I gasped, struggling to prop myself on my elbows. My face contorted in pain, and my breaths came in short, sharp pants. "What…What are you doing?" 

“Calm, calm.” He urged, gently placing his hands on my shoulders and pushing me back down.

“I have to treat your wounds. The salve only helps for a short time.” He explained.

"It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you." He said gently. I looked at him with a mixture of apprehension and desperation in my eyes, unable to fathom that someone would actually try to help me. 

But Strange seemed determined to prove to me that there were still good people in this world.

His hand pushed at my chest, forcing me to lie down again. My mind flooded with terror at the thought that he was going to do the same thing HYDRA had done. "No…no. No please I- I'll do anything-" I choked out fearfully, struggling up. 

"Calm down. You're going to hurt yourself." He said, more sternly this time. 

It hurt to move and fight, and every rapid, shallow breath only brought more pain to my ribs. I finally stopped struggling, lying back on the bed, though I couldn't gain control of my erratic breathing. 

“Stop. You're not a doctor.” I mumbled. "You don't know what you're doing." 

At that, the corner of his lip quirked up. “I am, actually.” 

His cold demeanor melted away as his main focus was treating my wounds and keeping me alive. He noted that my condition wasn’t anywhere near stable. As he worked, his hands moved swiftly and efficiently. He left my side every once in a while to fetch something he needed. He noticed that I seemed to be relaxing a little, and that I was no longer fighting him every step of the way. While he wasn’t sure if it was because I had finally realized I was safe, or just out of pure exhaustion, it was a good sign. 

The pain and the stress were too much, and I drifted in and out of consciousness for a while until I finally gave in completely. 

-

Once Strange finished patching up my wounds, and he was sure my condition was stable, he moved me to an empty room in the Sanctum that the students usually used in the summer. He kept a close eye on my condition, especially my breathing. He wasn’t sure if any broken ribs had punctured my lungs or not. He returned to the infirmary, lost in thought as he gathered the bloodied rags to clean and tossed the soiled bandages and gauze. 

He returned to the room, unwilling to leave me alone for very long in my current condition.As he waited for me to wake up, he couldn’t help but wonder if I was really the heartless killer that HYDRA wanted me to be; Something about the way I had reacted and the desperation in my eyes had told him otherwise.  

With a sigh, he settled into an armchair beside the bed and tried to get some rest himself, but still stayed on alert in case something else went wrong, or I woke up, 

-

My eyes opened groggily, and I struggled to blink the haze of sleep from my eyes. The room was dim, lit only by a lamp on the bedside table and the dying sunlight coming through the window, which casted eerie shadows on the walls. It took me a moment to remember where I was as I glanced around in confusion and fear. When it came back to me, I bolted upright, my eyes wide in panic, sucking in a sharp gasp when I was reminded of my injuries. My eyes darted around the dark room, ready to launch an escape attempt, but my movements were restricted by the bandages covering my body and the sharp, stabbing pain in my chest. 

The first thing I noticed was Strange sitting in an armchair beside the bed. He watched me with a hint of concern on his face. There was no trace of the hostility I had seen during our first encounter. “How are you feeling?” He asked me.

I looked down at myself and noticed I was wearing clean, comfortable clothing instead of the uncomfortable HYDRA suit. My arm was bandaged, I noted with growing confusion, and I felt them tentatively before returning my wary gaze to the sorcerer. “Where am I?” I asked instead, my voice raspy and weak and I slowly tried to move to the edge of the bed. I bit back a whimper when my ribs protested. 

“Hey, calm down.” Strange got up from the chair, gently pushing me to lie back down on the bed. My eyes widened in fear; any moment, I expected him to hurt me and undo the work he had just done on my abdomen. With renewed strength, I scrambled backwards until my back hit the wall. I trembled and cowered away from him as he sat on the edge of the bed, his expression apologetic.

“It’s okay.” He said in a gentle tone. “You’re safe. You’re in the Sanctum.”  

I looked at him in disbelief. I was still a prisoner, just not HYDRA’s anymore, but that didn’t mean anything to me. Strange sensed my fear, yet he still remained patient and understanding. He was beginning to piece together what I had been through, but it seemed like it was worse than he originally thought. 

He reached out to place a reassuring hand on my shoulder, but I shrank away from his touch, shaking. “Don’t worry. You’re safe here. HYDRA can’t get to you here.” Strange said, careful to keep his voice even and confident. 

He paused, gauging my reaction as he realized he may be going too fast. He wasn’t entirely sure just how badly I had been treated at HYDRA, and he knew he had to get my trust in some way first before he tried to comfort me. “I know you don’t trust me. I don’t blame you, but just know that I’m not your enemy.”

 “What’s your name?” He asked gently.

I shook my head, ignoring his question. “They always find me. I can’t escape them. I-I can’t stay here-” My voice wavered. I knew exactly what was waiting for me if - or more like when - HYDRA found me again. So many failed escape attempts had taught me that, and this was my first one again in years. I had lost hope, and I had finally realized what I needed to do. Except,  in my desperation to escape the pain and trauma I had experienced at HYDRA, I was beginning to realize that I had only gotten myself into the exact same situation, but now I didn’t even know what he had planned for me. It was stupid of me to expect that he would just kill me; of course he would want information, and of course he would do whatever he thought necessary to get it. I was just a pawn of HYDRA, and I knew my misery or even my life meant nothing to anyone; good or bad.

“HYDRA can’t get to you here. The Sanctum is hidden by magic, and I’ve upped our defenses since you showed up. It’s safe. Trust me. You don’t need to escape; you just need to heal.”  Strange surprisingly remained patient, as he knew that I had more than just physical scars to show for my time under HYDRA’s custody. “I know it must be difficult to trust anyone right now. You’ve been through hell, and you’re not sure of my intentions. But I promise you that I’m here to help. I don’t want anything from you, and I won’t hurt you.” 

“What’s your name?” He asked again, trying to steer the one-sided conversation in a different direction. I hesitated, but finally told him in a quiet voice, my gaze still incredibly wary as I finally gave up, letting my tired body sink into the mattress but still curling my arms defensively around my injured rib cage.  

Strange wasn’t sure if I was relaxing because I was beginning to believe him, or because I was just exhausted, but he guessed it was the latter. It was obvious I didn’t want to give him any opportunities to hurt me which, he figured, was understandable given my current condition and my past.

“My name is Stephen Strange.” He introduced himself. “Call me Stephen.” 

Stephen paused, weighing his next words carefully. “We can talk more about…everything, later. For now, I think you should get some rest. I’ll bring you something to eat later and we’ll talk again if you’re ready, okay?” 

He sighed when I remained silent. The chair scraped the floor slightly as he stood and, with a final glance at me, left the room. I watched, my eyes wide with apprehension as I waited to hear the click of a lock once he closed the door behind him. There was only the sound of his receding footsteps

Chapter Text

To my surprise, there was only the sound of Stephen’s receding footsteps. The door was unlocked. My body relaxed slightly, feeling a small sense of relief and hope. Yet…he knew how injured I was. He probably thought there was no way I could, or would, attempt an escape. Fearing any slight sound or movement may draw his attention and remind him to come back and lock the door, I remained still and quiet, but my mind raced. It was a struggle to gather my thoughts; I was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to rest, but I couldn’t push away the thoughts of escape. I glanced towards the door again, feeling a small rush of adrenaline. I had to try.

The sheets fell off of my shoulders as I mustered all my energy and tenderly propped myself up on my elbows. My ribs protested with the minimal amount of exertion, but I grit my teeth and did my best to ignore it. There was only a single thought in my mind now: Escape. 

I carefully pulled myself out of the comfortable cocoon of blankets that had protected me for the past several hours. My movements were stiff and slow. 

The bed creaked as I swung my legs over the edge of the mattress, glancing to the door before I pushed myself to my feet. I sucked in a sharp breath, frantically blinking away the dots appearing in my vision as I made my first move towards the door. I staggered forward, leaning heavily against the wall and squeezing my eyes shut. The door rattled slightly in the frame as I tried the knob.

It turned easily, and the door swung open with surprising silence. Maybe…

I leaned against the doorframe, gritting my teeth as another wave of pain shot through my body. My legs were shaking with the effort of supporting my weight. I knew I shouldn’t. There was no way I could escape, and what if he caught me? But I had to try. I couldn’t go through that again. I just couldn’t. 

The idea of escaping gnawed at me until I couldn’t bear it anymore. I checked both directions of the hallway, suddenly wondering if this was an opportunity - or a trap. 

Gripping the doorframe tightly, I finally stepped out into the hallway. 

My heart was beating out of my chest as I stumbled down the hallway while trying my best to remain vigilant. The Sanctum was eerily silent, and only now I remembered that I was likely alone here with the sorcerer supreme. The thought put me on edge, but I forced myself to continue on, even as my legs threatened to buckle with every step. I suddenly bit back a moan of pain as my steps faltered, one of my legs giving out and forcing me to lean against the wall. The sudden movement caused my ribs to shift uncomfortably, and an agonizingly sharp pain followed. 

Struggling to control my breathing, I pushed on. My eyes shifted over several unfamiliar doors lining the hallway. I nearly made it to the end before I was forced to pause and squeeze my eyes shut as the hallway started to spin dizzyingly, even more so than before. I leaned against the wall again, willing my exhausted body to cooperate, and sucking in a sharp breath of pain as I felt myself sliding down the wall. I had to get moving again. 

I bit my lip to stifle any small sounds of pain as I pulled away from the wall. My legs wobbled when I took a few more uncertain steps around the corner. The hallway was spinning and moving faster now, making it difficult for me to concentrate on my escape. I did my best to put one foot in front of the other, praying the entire time that my body wouldn’t give up just yet, even though my legs felt like jello under even my light weight, making it hard to keep my balance. 

Another step, my legs gave out. It caused me to pitch forward. I instinctively tried to roll to ease the impact, entirely forgetting about my broken ribs. My head and body exploded in agony, and I distantly heard a strangled, pained noise that sounded like a wounded animal. It was me. 

I lied on the ground, struggling to control my breath and get my vision back so I could get moving again, even though I knew it was pointless. This was it. This was the end of my escape attempt. 

The hallway was silent except for the new, distinct sound of footsteps. A primal sort of fear rushed through me, and I froze, my breath quickening as I anticipated the worst. 

I heard Strange call my name, his voice raised in concern. “What are you doing?”

I coughed raggedly, gagging and choking as I struggled to crawl away. The pain was unbearable, and I fell back onto my side with a choked whimper. My eyes darted to Stephen’s approaching figure and I felt another wave of panic. I gasped, feeling like a wounded animal. His shoes came into my view and I whimpered again, struggling to scramble away from him in fear of the consequences of my attempted escape. Despite him saying he wouldn’t hurt me, I didn’t trust that at all.

My eyes darted up to him in a mixture of fear, pain and desperation as he kneeled beside me. “P-please…” I gasped. “Don’t hurt me. I’m s-sorry-” I tried to push myself backwards and away from him, but my weak limbs failed me. I was too exhausted to keep fighting. I was more than aware that I couldn’t outrun him now, but the thought of being punished for my escape attempt and locked away again filled me with dread. 

“Get away from me.” My voice sounded more weak and ragged than I wanted it to.

Stephen’s warm hands gently touched my face. I flinched, my eyes darting around wildly. “I- I’m sorry.” I whispered hoarsely. “Please, I-I-I just wanted to get out. I’m so sorry.” I pleaded. 

“Hey. Hey, it’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you.” Stephen said gently. My body tensed and my heart raced wildly, warning me not to believe him, no matter how much I wanted to. 

“Please,” I whispered, my voice hoarse with fear. “Don’t hurt me. I-I won’t try to escape again.” My voice cracked and my instincts told me to run, or at least try to protect my already injured body, but I was too exhausted to fight anymore. 

I felt completely and utterly helpless and it scared me to death. “Let me go….Please..You’ll never see me again, I promise.” I whimpered. I was terrified of facing HYDRA’s punishment again, but the uncertainty and the constant edge I felt as I waited for Stephen’s patience and kindness to finally run out was worse than anything HYDRA could have done to me.

A sharp pain in my chest reminded me to try and control my erratic breathing. My body was wracked with pain and terror. Still, my eyes darted around, searching for an avenue of escape even though my exhausted body barely had the strength to move.

“You know I caStephen’s voice was soft and soothing as he tried to talk me down from my panic, but I couldn’t even make sense of his words. He carefully reached out to me, his touch gentle. Still, I couldn’t help but to cringe again when I felt his hand on my shoulder. I kept my body curled in a defensive ball, hugging my middle and tucking my chin to my chest. 

“It’s okay.” He said gently, not moving his hand this time. He wanted to prove that touch could be kind. “Look at me.” Instinctively, I obeyed, slowly raising my head up to look at him. My eyes darted over his face, searching for anything that would give me an idea of his intentions, but I only saw concern.

Stephen noticed the fear in my eyes, and how my breath came in quick gasps. He could sense the fear radiating off of me. His heart sank. He was aware his words might not have had the desired effect, but he hoped some of it was making it through.

“I’m not going to hurt you, okay? I’m not going to punish you.” He said gently. “You don’t have to worry about that here. Not anymore.” He wished he could just reassure me, but he knew it wasn’t that simple. 

I stared up at him and in that moment, I felt a mixture of hope and fear. Hope that maybe he was  genuine, maybe he was telling the truth; but fear that he was only trying to gain my trust so he could use me like HYDRA had. It was hard to believe that anyone seemingly so cold and calculating like Stephen could be anything but cruel, yet so far, he had been nothing but patient and understanding. The look in his eyes made me want to believe that he was telling the truth. 

‘I-I don’t want to go back there.” I whispered. “I can’t . Please, please just kill me. I can’t do that again. I won’t- I won’t try anything. I swear.” My voice was quiet, pleading, hoping he would show me some mercy. I had accepted my fate when HYDRA had sent me on this mission, setting my own plan in motion. I just wanted it all to be over.

“I’m not going to do that.” Stephen said firmly. “I know you’ve been through a lot, but you don’t have to be afraid anymore. You’re safe. ” 

I shook my head weakly. I didn’t have the energy to argue with him anymore. “Please…” I begged weakly, one last time, for him to end my suffering. To give me the freedom of death. 

“ No.” He said, his voice stern now, yet still trying to remain gentle. 

A particularly sharp gasp made me cough, which turned into a coughing fit. My body shook with every cough that rattled my lungs. The instinct to breathe was stronger than the urge to protect myself. I unfurled from my protective ball, struggling to turn onto my stomach to get the blood out of my lungs. The feeling of drowning crossed my mind as I gagged and gasped, fighting for air, my eyes wide with panic.

Stephen’s arms slid underneath my shaking form, but I couldn’t fight him. He pulled me into his lap even as I struggled weakly, gently propping me up so I could finally breathe. I gasped desperately between coughs, finally giving up my struggle and letting myself slump against him in exhaustion.

Trying his best to keep me calm, he spoke soothingly, even though he wasn’t sure if any of it was registering. He gently stroked my hair as I continued to cough and gasp. His touch was soft and gentle, and it made me want to lean into it, to trust him, to finally relax and let myself feel safe in a way I never had before. My body was wracked with pain, and I didn’t even fight as he shifted my weak frame in his arms. Instead, I clung to him desperately - conflicted, confused but more than anything, an instinctive desperation to hold on to the feeling of comfort I hadn’t even known existed before now.

“Deep breaths.” Stephen urged me. 

I shook my head. “H-hurts." I whimpered.

“I know, I know.” He said gently. “Just do your best.” 

I clung to him desperately, craving the comfort and warmth he offered. I struggled to follow his instructions, but it only made me cough more. “C-can’t ‘m sor…sorry.” I gasped, apologizing frantically.

“Shhh. It’s okay.” He said, still cradling my shaking form against his chest. The room spun and black spots dotted my vision. I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling myself slipping into unconsciousness. It was all too overwhelming; the pain and the fear. 

When Stephen felt my body go limp, he felt a surge of worry. He felt for my pulse, letting out a sigh of relief. It was weak, but it was there, and that was all that mattered. It was obvious his concern was genuine. 

He shifted, gently lifting me into his arms. My breaths were quick and shallow. My head lolled against his chest as he carried me back to my room. I stirred in his arms, fighting for consciousness. His arms tightened around me. I forced my eyes open, struggling weakly against him, fear and confusion clear on my face. The distant look in my eyes told him I was in a completely different place in my head. “No….please.” I begged softly, my voice weak. “Please don’t hurt me again.”

He shushed me softly, trying to calm me down as he carefully laid me back on the bed. Despite my fear, I allowed myself to sink into the mattress, knowing and accepting the fact that if Stephen wanted to hurt or punish me for my escape attempt, there was nothing I could do to fight him anyway. I had already tried to escape and failed miserably. My last shreds of energy and hopes of freedom were completely undone. 

I shuddered, my body limp and my gaze hollow. An escape attempt at HYDRA guaranteed a nasty punishment, and if Stephen decided to do the same, I wasn’t even sure if I could survive it. Maybe… that would be for the better. Either way, I had no choice but to trust him. 

Stephen seemed to sense my resignation, and it visibly pained him to see how broken I was. He wanted to help, but he knew it would take time. 

Exhaustion washed over me again like a heavy blanket, but I forced my eyes open again when I heard Stephen’s voice from the other side of the room. “Hey, stay awake for me.” He urged, his voice getting louder as he came back to me. I hadn’t even been aware my eyes had shut again. 

I pulled the blankets around me as a sort of shield to protect myself. Shaking, I curled into a small ball and shrank away from his touch.  I let out a pained sigh, looking at him with a dazed expression. My eyes flit around the room again before I retreated into my mind, bracing myself for more pain. 

Stephen gently pulled the blankets away from where I had hidden my face in them again. I whimpered brokenly, but didn’t fight him. It was useless. “Can you breathe in for me?” He said gently, holding a jar in front of my face. I felt a faint rush of fear. I managed to pull my head away, shaking my head weakly. “N-no. Please…” I begged quietly. 

“You need to trust me.” Stephen said firmly. His voice softened as he noticed my distress. “It’s okay. Just breathe in. This will help your lungs.” He explained. 

I shook my head, growing more frantic, but too afraid to fight him. He tried to keep my eyes fixed on his, but they darted around the room, scared and desperate. With a sigh, his hand went behind my head, preventing me from pulling away. I resigned myself to my fate, convinced this was my punishment. 

“I’m sorry.” Stephen murmured. He knew this wasn’t going to help build trust, but my lungs were, as far as he could tell, punctured and filling with fluid, There wasn’t exactly any other option. 

I struggled weakly when I felt my throat begin to burn as I sucked in the substance with every sharp, involuntary gasp. My eyes widened with fear, darting up to Stephen’s for some kind of reassurance; any sign of kindness that could help bring down my mounting anxiety even though I didn’t trust him. His expression was apologetic, his eyes pained. 

The burning got worse with every breath, causing my body to shiver uncontrollably. It reminded me of HYDRA; reminded me of the serums they gave me that would leave me in utter agony for hours afterward, every nerve in my body on fire. They would leave me alone to writhe in pain in my cell for hours afterward, only to come back later to check the results of their newest experiment. 

Strange was no different.

Yet…the HYDRA scientists had never tried to reassure me. They had never apologized so profusely with a sheen of regret in their eyes like Stephen was doing right now as he spoke in a calming tone. I’d never been held and comforted there. Despite myself, I curled closer to him, clinging to him and desperate for some relief. 

At the very least, his presence was a stark contrast to the cold, callous attitude I had experienced at HYDRA. I was terrified of his intentions but, for now, I would take what comfort I could get, because it was still more than I had ever gotten before. 

The burning started to fade eventually, and I realized it was easier to breathe. He hadn’t lied about that. My ribs still ached, but it didn’t feel like I was drowning anymore. Aside from the protest of my ribs, I could inhale deeply without too much pain. I sighed in relief, relaxing in Stephen’s arms. I felt an odd sense of safety in his presence, and I didn’t want it to end; I didn’t want to be hurt again. I held tightly to his shirt, sucking in a shaky breath. I wanted to enjoy the comfort as long as he would give it, because I wasn’t sure how long this reprieve would last.

I wanted to feel protected and, for now, he was offering that. I looked up at him, wondering what he planned to do next. For now, I didn’t want to think too far ahead. 

I breathed slowly, trying to minimize the pain from my ribs and calm myself. As I relaxed, so did Stephen’s hold on me, but I didn’t make any move to leave. I began to relax in his arms even more, finally realizing he hadn’t hurt me yet. My head leaned against his chest, exhausted and frightened, but somehow feeling safe for the first time in a long time. My eyelids were heavy and despite my fears, I started to drift off to sleep, the stress and fear having taken its toll on me. 

 I didn’t want to go back to the pain and torture I had experienced at HYDRA. This safety was something I had never felt before, so I held onto it tightly, hoping it would last. 

Once Stephen thought I was fully asleep, he gently shifted me from his lap, moving me onto the bed. My eyes opened, widening in fear as I held onto him desperately. 

“Shhh, shhh. It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m just going to let you get some rest.” He reassured me gently.

I shook my head fearfully. “No,” I said desperately. “Don’t leave, please.” 

“I’m not leaving.” He said. “I’ll be right here. You’re safe.” 

“Stay. Please.” I pleaded softly. 

Stephen hesitated, feeling conflicted. He had been planning on staying in the chair at the bedside, but it seemed to him like I didn’t even want him to get that far. I wanted to stay where I felt safe. 

He wanted to give me the comfort that I’d been deprived of for so long, but he couldn’t help but feel like he would somehow be taking advantage of my vulnerability. At the same time, he seemed to realize he was the only source of comfort I had. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m still going to be in the room, okay?” 

I held onto him tightly, shaking my head. “Okay. I’ll stay.” He relented.

He lowered himself onto the bed, gently shifting me to lie down with him, letting my head rest on his shoulder. He hesitantly wrapped his arm around me, trying to get comfortable when he realized it was late and he would likely be spending the night. I instinctively nestled closer to him, to the warmth and comfort he gave me, letting out a soft sigh of contentment as I drifted off to sleep. I tried to ignore the sinking feeling in my chest that warned me dangerous consequences might follow once I wake up again. 

Chapter Text

I woke up slowly from an exhausted, surprisingly dreamless, sleep. My body ached, but the pain seemed to be more manageable after a decent rest. Still half asleep, I pressed myself closer to the solid warmth at my side, letting out a soft breath and beginning to drift off again. 

The solid presence groaned, disturbed by my movement, and I was instantly more awake. My eyes snapped open, blinking rapidly as I realized Stephen had been sleeping right next to me. I shot up, ignoring the pain in my chest, and began to push myself away from him. Stephen quickly awoke in surprise at my reaction, looking confused for a split second before he tried to reassure me. 

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to- Please don’t-” I stammered out fearfully. I recalled how comforting he had been as I drifted off to sleep before, but I was unsure if that kindness still remained. 

“Hey, take it easy.” Stephen said gently, sitting up and propping himself against the pillows as he watched me press myself against the wall, trying to get as far away from him as possible as I anticipated a violent reaction from him. “It’s okay, don’t apologize.” 

A thought crossed his mind. “Lie down, you’re going to open your wounds.” He said firmly. Despite my fears, I obeyed, fighting every instinct that told me to flee. 

“Come here.” He said gently, opening his arms in an invitation, knowing I needed reassurance. I eyed him fearfully. "It's okay. I promise." 

I sidled back up to his side hesitantly, but once he wrapped his arm around me again, I let myself relax a little, leaning into his comforting presence for just a while longer. I hadn’t wanted to move away from him anyway, I wanted to hang onto the comfort I had felt the night before and when I had first woken up. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. 

I winced a little when his hand brushed a tender spot on my side, but I didn’t move away. He gave me an apologetic look. He seemed glad I was beginning to show some trust in him.

I tried not to think about what his intentions were. I just wanted to enjoy the comfort and safety, no matter how temporary it was. But I couldn’t stop my mind from wandering, to all the tests HYDRA had put me through to further their research. A sinking feeling in my chest told me that Stephen could be planning something similar. My body tensed at the thought. His kindness and patience would run out eventually, and then he would find another use for me. Even worse, maybe it was all a ruse to gain my trust. I sucked in a shaky breath. 

I wanted to beg and plead with him to just be straightforward about his intentions, but I knew it wouldn’t make a difference. 

Stephen seemed to take note of the way I tensed in his arms. He gently pulled back to study my face. My eyes darted up to him, searching his face for ill intent, trying desperately to see through the mask of kindness I knew he was wearing. I was holding my breath, waiting for the moment that would prove he was only being kind and patient as a means to an end.

“Are you hungry?” Stephen asked gently, his piercing eyes studying my face. 

I shook my head automatically, even though my empty stomach reminded me I hadn’t eaten in several days. 

“You haven’t eaten since you’ve been here. “ He frowned. “You must be hungry. And I can tell you were malnourished before.” He explained, carefully sitting up and separating himself from me. His tone and movements were delicate, as if he knew it wouldn’t take much to scare me off. 

 I shuffled away from him warily. “I don’t want to hurt…” I said softly, remembering what HYDRA had done to me when I ate without earning it first. My body betrayed me, my stomach growling loudly, and my shaking arms giving away the effects of the hunger and malnutrition I hadn’t had a chance to recover from.

“I’m not hungry.” I mumbled. 

Stephen’s eyes were soft even as he gave me a confused look. He took note of my denial, frowning as he tried to put the puzzle pieces of my trauma together. “You need to eat.”

HYDRA had never let me eat without earning it first, at least, not without consequences. It wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t help but wonder if Stephen had a similar rule. I had never known any different. 

“I-I’m just starting to not hurt so much I…” I shrank into myself defensively, pressing my back against the wall. “Please, I don't want to hurt. Please.” I begged quietly. I really was starving, and thinking about food just made it worse, but I knew if I ate I would be risking punishment. Even though I hadn’t eaten in nearly a week, I ignored my hunger, deciding it wasn’t worth the pain that would follow. 

Stephen stared at me in confusion before it dawned on him just how horrible HYDRA had been to me. He sucked in a shaky breath at the realization. 

“Did they- did they punish you for eating?” He asked in disbelief. “God, what did they do to you?” He muttered under his breath. 

“I-I have to earn it. I haven’t earned it and I…I’m…I don’t want to be hurt. Please.” I whimpered quietly. My stomach growled in disagreement. 

“How long has it been since you ate or drank? Before you came here?” Stephen asked. He sounded like he almost didn’t want to hear my answer.

“I- I don’t know. A few days ago.” I answered quietly. 

He tried to hide his shock. “Why not?” 

“They h-hurt me. I guessed wrong and I…I thought I did enough to earn it but they didn’t agree and they…they hurt me.” My voice cracked. “I was so hungry …but I hadn’t e-earned it.” 

“They starved you.” He uttered, staring at me in concern and shock.

“No. No, no they…they didn’t starve me. The food was right there but…” My voice cracked as I rushed to defend HYDRA’s cruelty to me. “I had to decide if I earned it and if…if they didn’t agree they- they-”

“If you ate before they decided you earned it, they hurt you.” Stephen guessed, beginning to piece my puzzle together.

I nodded silently. “The only time they fed me without having to earn it was when…when I was too weak to do anything and I’d pass out but…then they forced me to eat and they still punished me for it.” I looked down in shame, my shoulders shaking. “I-I tried to refuse. I didn’t want to hurt. I didn’t want to eat because I hadn’t earned it and I didn’t wanna be punished but they- they-”

Stephen cut me off, his own voice sounding a little weak. “It’s okay..” He said gently, unsure how to be reassuring.. “You won’t be…punished for eating. You don’t have to earn it. Not here.”

I shook my head in disbelief, unable to overcome the fear of punishment that HYDRA had ingrained into me. I was so hungry but I also knew I couldn’t deal with the consequences. I was already in so much pain. 

The sorcerer hesitated. He didn’t know how else to explain that food was a right, a basic necessity, not a reward. He thought about trying to tempt me, since I was obviously hungry. To just let me see for myself that there weren’t consequences, not anymore. 

He conjured a salad plate with bread on it. Starting small was good, he decided, both for my mental and physical health. He wasn’t sure just how long I had been without food and how my body would react to too much at once.

Stephen set the plate beside me on the bed in an endeavor to tempt me. I shook my head again and recoiled from it, almost afraid I would be hurt just for craving the food that was placed in front of me. I struggled into a sitting position and shuffled closer to the corner of the bed, not entirely trusting myself to not eat the food in front of me. I was starving.

“You won’t be hurt for eating. I promise.” Stephen pushed a bread roll into my hands. I tried to drop it, but he gently forced my fingers to close around it. I stared at the food in my hands, my stomach cramping painfully, but my resolve beginning to waver. Even though I was desperately hungry, the instinct to avoid the pain I thought was coming was somehow still stronger. I knew from experience that caving in to my hunger would only make everything worse. 

Stephen kept his eyes fixed on me, gently urging me to eat, adamant that I wouldn’t be hurt for it. Even though I hadn’t earned it. 

Hesitantly, I took a small bite. I ate it slowly, my eyes never leaving Stephen, watching and waiting for any sudden movement. Holding the food close to my body, afraid he might even take it away, I watched him fearfully as I devoured the bread, cowering against the wall, unable to shake the feeling that I was doing something wrong. I barely paid attention to how good the butter and herbs on it tasted, or how light and airy it was. I was just intent on eating it before I could be punished, or it would be taken away. 

After I finished, I watched Stephen cautiously, waiting for the punishment that I had come to expect after giving in to my body’s need for food. Because of the experiments, I could go longer than any normal person without food. HYDRA knew that, and they took advantage of it. They used it to keep me in line and remind me that I had no control over my needs or my own body. That didn’t mean I didn’t feel the same effects of starvation. 

Stephen gave me a kind smile as I cowered against the wall, bracing myself for the punishment that I expected. I eyed him warily, almost wishing he would just hurt me and get it over with, so I didn’t have to keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

“Here.” He offered me another bread roll with a reassuring smile, happy with my progress and wanting me to eat my fill. My eyes darted between his face and the bread in his hand, but I shook my head, thinking it was a test of some sort. 

Like last time, he gently pushed the bread into my hand. Except this time, he felt my hands shaking. “No.” I choked out, shaking my head again, fearfully trying to give it back to him, shoving it forcefully back into his hands.

“It’s okay.” He said softly. “I just want you to eat.” 

I held the bread with shaky hands when he gently but forcefully closed my hand around it once again, his soft, slightly shaky hands lingering to hold my own for a second, trying to convince me it was safe.

 I was far from feeling full. Just like last time, I caved. Again, I quickly devoured the food, keeping my eyes down, and still making myself as small as I could in the corner. He watched as I finished, and was ready to offer me a glass of water. I shook my head frantically, knowing everything I consumed would only make my punishment worse; at least, that how it had been at HYDRA.

“I know you’re thirsty.”

“Can’t anymore…I can’t…can’t take that much punishment.” I said quietly, shrinking away from the water. I wrapped my arms around my middle.

Stephen felt his heart break. 

“You can have more. As much as you want.” He explained gently. “There’s no consequences, no price to pay.” 

Stephen was silent before he carefully pried my hands away from my body and pushed the glass of water into them. It had worked with the food before, and he hoped it would work with the water. “After you drink that, you can eat some more.” He tried to encourage me, hoping the promise of more food would be enough to persuade me. 

“I don’t want to hurt anymore.” I tried to give him the glass of water back. “ Please .”

“And I promise that you won’t, okay? Nobody is going to hurt you. Not anymore, not for anything.”

I looked at him, wondering if I really could risk it and trust him. I was still hungry and so thirsty, but I was still under the false impression that I would be hurt just for tending to my basic needs. I was afraid of how far he would take the punishment if he did deem that I had taken too much. I stared down at the glass of water, still afraid and unsure what to do.

I finally took a small sip before pulling away from the glass, my eyes darting up to Stephen, watching him carefully. I stared up at him for a few seconds, waiting, then almost immediately downed the whole glass of water, desperately thirsty. 

Stephen watched as I cowered against the wall, shielding my body, still not seeing that there wasn’t any threat. “There you go. Have some more.” He took the glass from me. The water level in the glass magically rose back to the top, and he offered it back to me. I hesitated for a long time before cautiously taking it from him. He was impossibly patient. I brought the glass to my lips, taking a small sip and watching him nervously over the lip of the glass. This time, I drank slowly, savouring the water going down my dry throat, and the feeling of my thirst finally being quenched.  When I finished the water, Stephen took the glass and replaced it with another bread roll. I accepted it cautiously and barely hesitated before eating it, letting myself enjoy that, too. My eyes shut involuntarily as I finally realized just how good the bread was. I had never had anything close to it in my life.

When I finished, I glanced up at him, but he still wore the same look of kindness and patience. I tried to relax a little, feeling a small bit of gratitude towards Stephen, even if I was still suspicious and curious as to why he was being so kind to me. 

He offered more, but I shook my head, my hunger and thirst satiated. I kept myself huddled in the corner, still wary and protective of my injured body. He sighed, seeming to accept that I wouldn’t be trusting him any time soon.  

“Do you need anything?” He asked, even though he knew what my answer would be. I shook my head silently. 

As he stood up, I cringed, and he couldn’t help but to feel bad. “You can rest now, if you want.” The heels of his shoes scuffed the floor as he turned back to me before leaving the room, giving me a last glance, hoping I would show a little more trust in him. But I only watched him vigilantly. He stepped out of the room, giving me space to rest, feeling bad for putting me on edge and hoping I would finally relax. 

The door creaked shut and the sound of Stephen’s footsteps faded into the distance. I listened intently for a while before finally forcing myself to relax. I didn’t know how long it would be before he came back, so I tried to conserve my energy. The blankets were soft and comforting, and I pulled them tightly around my shoulders, huddling into the furthest corner of the bed, my back up against the wall. I closed my eyes, hoping the feeling of safety and security would last while I waited for Stephen to return, afraid of his intentions for me. 

Chapter Text

As he opened the door, balancing a tray on his hip, Stephen’s gaze immediately fell onto my exhausted, sleeping form in the corner. His eyes softened at how vulnerable I was. He set the tray on the nightstand carefully, not wanting to wake me yet. But it had been morning when I ate last, and now it was nearly night again. I was exhausted, and I might just sleep as long as he would let me, so he purposefully scuffed his feet on the wood floor, making sure to stand a cautious distance away, not wanting to scare me. 

I stirred, curling up more into the blankets and squeezing my eyes shut, unwilling to leave the cocoon of safety and heat I had found. He carefully approached me before sitting on the edge of the bed. Then he realized that I wasn’t half asleep or trying to get more comfortable; I was trying to make myself smaller, trying to hide from him and hope that ignoring his presence would make him go away. 

“Hey.” He said softly, resting a hand on my shoulder over the blankets. I shrank back as much as I could, unable to ignore him any longer. My eyes widened. “It’s okay. I brought you something to eat.” 

“You-you already fed me.” I told him, watching him suspiciously. It was obvious he was testing me to see if I would eat more than I was allowed, so he could punish me. There was no way he would be let me eat again, it was too soon. 

“That was a few hours ago. You need to eat. Three times a day.” He gently explained. Stephen had the feeling I had never had three square meals a day. He was right. I didn’t even know I was supposed to. To me, food was a reward, if even that. 

I shook my head. “I- I can’t. HYDRA they… they gave me the chance to eat once a day. That’s how they did it there.” I argued. I tensed when my stomach growled. 

The concept of eating more than once a day, or often less, was foreign to me. I didn’t see the importance of it, even if I was passing out from hunger. All I knew was that it just seemed to make the scientists angry,  if I hadn’t earned it, and then punishments worse. 

“It’s not…unusual to have three square meals a day.” Stephen’s voice was patient. “People around here, they have three meals a day. Sometimes even more. Nobody here will hurt you for eating or drinking. In fact, I want you to do that. Okay?” 

“I can’t.” Was all I could manage to say.  “Don’t make me. Please.”

Stephen sighed. “Could you sit up for me?” 

I wanted to shake my head no. I didn’t want to leave the nest of safety I had created for myself, because I had the sinking feeling he was going to hurt me. But I also knew I had to follow his orders. That’s all I was good for.

My face screwed up in pain as I forced myself into a sitting position. When I finally did, I slumped against the pillows, exhausted just from the small movement. My arms instinctively moved back to cradle my ribs, but Stephen stopped me. My eyes widened.

He gently pushed a bowl in my hands once again. The tantalizing smell of food made my stomach growl. Even though I had only eaten a few hours earlier, I could feel the pangs of hunger in my gut again. But that wasn't possible. Every self-preservation instinct that had been ingrained into me told me I had had enough for the day, that I had already eaten my allowed amount. 

“Eat. Please.” Stephen’s gentle voice coaxed. I stared at the food in the bowl, almost paralyzed with fear and indecision. There was a piece of bread identical to the one he had given me before, and something different; two boiled eggs. The food and the bowl were still warm. 

Maybe I should take advantage of his generosity while it lasted. Maybe he was just trying to prepare me for something…worse. Worse than what HYDRA had done before. I had no idea what his plans for me were. 

I finally gave in. 

I took the bread in my hand and began to nibble at it, watching him cautiously. He leaned against the wall, sitting on the very edge of the bed to give me space. There was undeniable kindness in his eyes, though I was still too scared to let go of my vigilance. 

Once I finished the bread, I looked questioningly between Stephen and the bowl, silently wondering if it was actually all for me. He nodded patiently and gave me a reassuring smile. “It’s all yours.” He reassured me. 

I dove into the eggs, devouring the first but taking my time with the second, beginning to realize this might be the only food I would get for a while. By the time I finished, my eyes were fixed on the bowl in my lap instead of the sorcerer next to me, and I instinctively flinched when I saw his hand from my peripherals. I immediately released the bowl and shakily handed it out to him, cringing away.

“It’s okay.” He said with a soft smile, trying to reassure me that he had no intentions of hurting me. “It’s just water. Here, let me take that.” He took the empty bowl and replaced it with the glass of water. I glanced at him warily for permission. 

“Drink. As much as you want. I can get more if you need it.” He told me. He knew I didn’t have the courage to take him up on the offer, but he wanted to offer regardless. He wanted to give me a choice, which was something I had never really had before. 

I sipped the water slowly, before quickly gulping the rest of the glass, not realizing how thirsty I was. I was still thirsty, but apprehensive about asking him for more. I looked at him with a pleading gaze, but I couldn't muster up the courage to ask him for more. 

Stephen understood though, and the glass magically refilled with water, which I immediately drank again before finally setting the glass down, my thirst quenched. He took the empty glass from me, and I watched him put the dishes in a pocket portal before turning back to me. 

I met his gaze warily, waiting for him to say or do something, unsure of what to expect. I looked at Stephen now with cautious optimism and hope, waiting for his next question or command.   He watched me and offered a kind smile. “How do you feel?” 

I felt full for the first time in a long time, and I wasn’t as nervous and scared as I was before.

“I-I feel fine.” I stammered out. I wasn’t sure how to respond to a question like that. 

He nodded, but seemed to want me to open up to him more. “Is there anything you need?” 

His question caught me by surprise, but I quickly answered, “No.” 

Stephen frowned, noticing how automatic my response was. He hummed in thought. He realized I was still in defensive mode, still anticipating him to hurt me in some way for something. His eyes studied me, considering what to say to get through to me. He wondered if anything he could say even would get through to me right now. 

“You know, you’re safe here. HYDRA can’t find you.” He said slowly, trying to choose his words carefully. “You can stay here for as long as you need. You can eat and drink your fill every day. You’re not a prisoner here, you’re my guest.”

I nodded automatically, though I knew better than to take his words too literally. Maybe I could do those things, but there had to be a catch somewhere, something he would do to me if I took him up on his offers. 

Stephen’s eyes narrowed as he frowned, trying to read my face, trying to find any clue about how I really felt. I looked away and shifted uncomfortably under his scrutinizing gaze. 

He seemed to genuinely care about my well-being as he tried to find out how I was really feeling, but I kept to hiding my discomfort and uncertainty by continuing to answer with short, closed-off replies. He was willing to be patient, so he decided to try a different approach.

“Is there anything else I can get for you, or anything you want to…” He hesitated. “Anything you wanna talk about?”

His question caught me by surprise, and I finally looked up at him again. “Talk…about?” I asked quietly. 

“Talk…” He repeated. “About what you’ve been through. I can only imagine what it’s been like for you and...maybe talking would help.” Everything about him seemed sincere and open, and he seemed genuine. He wanted to connect with me somehow, to hopefully begin to build some trust. 

I hesitated, unsure what Stephen wanted to hear or know. The question was much too open-ended for my liking, and I was struggling to come up with something to say that wouldn’t make him hurt me. This must have been the trick I was waiting for. It had to be. 

“What…what do you want to know?” I asked timidly. “I can tell you what you want I- I promise. Just don’t hurt me….Just tell me what you want to know, I swear I-”

“Hey. Hey, hey, hey.” Stephen cut me off softly. I flinched. “This isn’t an interrogation, and I’m certainly not going to hurt you, okay? I only want to know what you’re comfortable telling me. You don’t have to tell me anything. I just thought talking might help you.”

He was gentle, assuring me that he was only interested in hearing what I was comfortable sharing. He didn’t want to press for information, but he wanted to give me the freedom to let my guard down, even if just a little. 

“No, no, I’m..okay.” I fumbled. “I can tell you…something. But I’m not sure what you’re looking for.” I spoke slowly and nervously. 

Stephen sighed, a little frustrated. He seemed to realize I was struggling to come up with answers to his questions.  He racked his brain trying to come up with something open-ended enough to ask that would give me a little freedom to open up, but not too open that I would be scared and struggling to come up with an answer that he wanted to hear. 

“Is there anything bothering you? Are you scared? In pain? How do you feel?” He noticed me beginning to mouth no, and he cut me off, feeling bad when I cringed a little. “I’d appreciate it if you answered me honestly. That’s what I want to hear.” His voice was stern, but still gentle. 

“I’m….scared. I don’t want to be hurt for answering wrong.” I admitted quietly, my eyes flitting over him nervously. “A-and I don’t know how to repay you. I don’t know what you want from me, because you’re taking care of me and feeding me but…I haven’t earned it.” My voice cracked, and I flinched. “I just don’t want to be hurt anymore.” I finished softly, looking down. 

“Nobody’s going to hurt you here.” Stephen said gently. “And you don’t need to repay me. I’m doing this because I want to help you, not because I’m expecting anything in return.

He continued, his voice sympathetic. “I don’t blame you for being afraid. You’ve been through a lot, and I’m sure it’s hard to believe that not everyone is out to hurt you, especially after being at HYDRA for so long. But I promise that you don’t need to be scared here.”

“But they- they always want something in return. They always expect something from me.” I trailed off, shrinking into myself at the memories.

“That’s not how that works here.” He said. 

“How…” Stephen hesitated, not sure how to approach the question without triggering me in some way, and wondering if he should even ask at all, but his curiosity got the better of him. “How did they treat you at HYDRA, exactly?”

I visibly cringed from his question, but I felt obliged to answer. “They were using me for experiments. They were trying to enhance my magic.” I whispered. “But whenever they failed, they punished me for the failure, for not being good enough, for not being the weapon they wanted me to be, even after all the time and effort they had put in.”

I looked at Stephen, wondering if I had answered his question too honestly, fear rising in my chest. But he met my eyes patiently and with compassion. I looked down at my hands. They were shaking. 

“What kind of experiments, exactly?” He asked, but realized his mistake and quickly added, “You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to. I just want to know if they might’ve done anything that might be…permanent.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. 

“I’m sorry. I-I don’t think I know what that would be.” I answered quietly.

“Anything….medical.. I would assume they’ve given you the super soldier serum? Anything else?” He elaborated. As soon as he said it aloud though, he knew that wasn’t right. I wasn’t any stronger than I should be. 

“They tried the serum. It didn’t work how they wanted it to so..they kept trying. But my body wasn’t reacting to it how they wanted, so they just used me for other experiments.” I told him, my voice weak. “They couldn’t give me super strength, but they tried some other things with…with my spinal fluid. They enhanced my healing, made it so I could take more damage and heal from it faster.”

“How was that supposed to help them?” He wondered silently just how they had tested that, but decided he didn’t want to ask. He already knew, it was clear from the injured state of my body. 

“I don’t know. I think I was supposed to be a…a shield or something. I don’t know, exactly, I’m sorry.” I pressed myself a little further into the corner. 

Even though he was expecting something along the lines of my answer, he still couldn’t help but to feel a surge of anger and disbelief. He knew how horrible HYDRA was, but he had never witnessed it firsthand. 

“The magic isn’t mine.” I continued quietly. “Honestly..none of it is. I-I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to hurt people but…I didn’t have a choice. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I was near tears. 

He hesitated, unsure how to deal with how fragile my mental state was. Under any normal circumstances, the right thing to do would have been to put a reassuring hand on my shoulder, maybe pull me into a hug - but nothing about my situation was normal, and he seemed to know that physical reassurance might only make it worse. 

“I know.” Was all he said, but his voice was full of understanding.

“Why are you helping me?” I asked in a small voice. I was still afraid of asking questions or speaking up, but I couldn’t help myself anymore. I had to know, I had to ask, if even just to see what kind of lie he would tell me.

It took him several moments to answer. My anxiety mounted with every second. When he finally spoke, his voice was more uncertain than I had heard it before. “HYDRA might have done terrible things to you. They might have made you do horrible things. But whatever they made you do, it wasn’t you.” He said slowly. 

“But I’ve killed people.” I whispered. “I-I had a choice. I just didn’t want to be hurt so I-I did what they wanted. I didn’t have to.” My voice broke. He listened silently. Whatever indifference and control that was still left in him seemed to fade away, and his icy gaze held nothing but sadness for me.

“To kill or be tortured. That's not exactly what I would call a choice." His voice was bitter, and he trailed off into silence again.

"You don’t have anything to apologize for,” He finally said, his voice firm but soft, with an undertone of something I couldn’t put my finger on. “You did what you had to do to survive. That’s all anybody can do.” 

I studied his face for a few moments in silence until he spoke again. 

“They’ve taken away many things from you,” He continued. “But they never took away who you were at your core. They couldn’t take away your compassion. I don’t believe you’re evil - or you wouldn’t feel remorse for what you’ve done. Whatever they made you do, it wasn’t you .”

He paused again, and when he spoke this time, I could hear the conviction in his words. 

“That’s why I’m helping you. I’m helping you, because I know you don’t deserve what HYDRA did to you.” 

“I-I don’t need your help.” I argued, but the fragility in my voice said otherwise.

He sighed. “Listen. You either let me help you or…I’ll have to do something else with you. I can’t just let you go back to HYDRA.” He finally said.

“Just let me go. I won’t go back. You’ll never see me again.” I offered quietly. “Please.” 

Stephen tried not to let his frustration show, but I could hear the edge in his voice when he responded. “And what if they do find you?” He said, his voice still calm but a hint of exasperation in it. “What if they find you, and punish you for not finishing this…this assignment? Of killing me?”

I flinched, and Stephen seemed to immediately regret his choice of words. “Then…It’s my problem.” I mumbled, looking away. 

But I didn’t plan on letting them find me again. I would die before I went back there. Not again. I couldn't. 

He let out a heavy sigh. He had tried to reason with me. He had tried to reassure me. But he could see the fear and panic beginning to creep back up on me, and his frustration was getting the better of him. “It’s not your problem.” He snapped. “It’s my problem. And it will be even more my problem when you bring HYDRA right to my doorstep.” 

I flinched at his sudden change of tone, shrinking back against the wall. “I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I stammered out fearfully. 

Guilt washed over him. “It’s alright.” He said, trying to soften his voice again. He shifted to sit more comfortably on the edge of the bed. 

I instinctively cringed, my arms shielding my injured body. “ I’m sorry.” He apologized carefully. His voice had lost its edge. He held his hands up in a gesture of reassurance. “I won’t hurt you.” 

“Please just let me go.” I said again softly. I tried desperately to stay calm, but I could feel myself nearing a panic attack again. 

He tried to choose his words carefully, but he knew there was no way of getting around what he had to say. “I can’t let you go, I think you know that. If HYDRA catches you again, they’ll punish you. They will hurt you.” He said calmly, but it was clear he was also making a commitment to himself. “I won’t let you go back to them.” 

“I won’t. I swear, I won’t.” I tried to reason with him. “What… do you want from me?”

“I don’t want anything from you. I don’t want to hurt you.” 

I shook my head in disbelief. The words he spoke were all too familiar. “No. No, I don’t believe you.” I whispered, studying him fearfully. “Y-you’re going to see what HYDRA did to me, aren’t you? You’re going to…to… No. No, I can’t go through that again. Please. Please just kill me instead. I’ve told you everything I know, I swear.” 

Stephen tried not to let the pity show on his face while he decided what to say next, what he could say to reassure me that he wasn’t like them. “Do you want to die?” He asked slowly, cautiously. “I’m not being rhetorical, I’m genuinely asking.” He watched me intently. 

I hesitated. This was my chance to get what I came here for. Yet…

“I just…I just don’t wanna go back.” I finally answered, my voice quiet. 

He nodded in understanding. “Okay. That, we can do.” He tried to give me a small smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. 

“I need to know what happened to you,” He said calmly but firmly. “You can tell me all of this and it will stay between us. I swear.” 

He waited a few seconds in silence, then sighed. “Okay? Can you answer some questions for me?”

He waited patiently for my answer, and I could see that although he still needed more information, he wasn’t going to rush me. 

I hesitated, but finally nodded. I didn’t want to talk about any of it; it was all still too fresh in my mind. But it wasn’t like I had a choice. I was afraid of what he would do if I refused. 

No, I knew what he would do if I refused. 

Chapter Text

Stephen was painfully aware of the reason I agreed to answer his questions, and he felt bad about indirectly using HYDRA’s conditioning against me. He just hoped getting me to talk about my past would start to build some level of trust between us. 

“Okay,” He said slowly. “Let’s start with this…what happened at HYDRA? How did you come to…work for them?” 

“They were doing experiments.” I said softly, my voice quiet and tired. “I don’t know what they were for but…they were bad. Really bad.”

The trauma in my eyes was clear as I spoke, looking down at the blanket I held tightly to myself, like a shield. 

“They had you do these experiments? Are you a doctor?” He asked. 

“No…” I said quietly. “I-I was one of the experiments. Never one of scientists.” 

“So you were a test subject.” I could feel the anger in his voice and I flinched. 

Of course it made sense. I wouldn’t have been so afraid, so traumatized, if I had just been a scientist or a doctor working under them, but Stephen still dared to hope it wasn’t as bad as he thought. That, maybe I hadn’t always been a test subject. It made sense why I was so desperate to escape now, and this likely wasn’t my first attempt. 

“So how did you escape?” He tried his best to hide his disgust towards HYDRA, not wanting me to misinterpret his anger.

“They- well, this mission. To kill you. I was sent on it and I…I knew I couldn’t. I mean, how ? I think they knew it too.” I admitted. “I don’t know why I still came here. I guess…I guess I was hoping you would kill me. So I didn’t have to go back-” My voice cracked and I coughed. 

He nodded slowly, struggling to keep his expression blank. 

“As long as I’m alive, they’ll find me.” I told him. “They’ll turn me into a weapon again. I can’t take that chance, I-I can’t go back. Please .” I just needed him to understand that.

Stephen sighed.

He had gotten me to open up and tell him what he needed to know, and he knew now that I was telling the truth. He couldn’t allow me to give up;  he knew I was strong enough to keep fighting. I had a strong spirit, that much was evident to him. 

“Of course you can’t go back, but I’m also not going to kill you. I won’t let you die. I won’t let them hurt you again.” He tried his best to be reassuring.

“But I deserve to. For what I’ve done.” I argued quietly.

“You don’t deserve to die,” He said firmly. “You were doing what you had to do to survive.”

“But that also doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences for your actions.”

I tensed. “I don’t want to be hurt anymore.” I murmured. “I know I deserve it but I- I can’t .” 

“You can’t escape from HYDRA and expect everything to be forgiven. Not by the world when you re-integrate into society, or those so-called Avengers. But…” He continued, “And this is very important…”

“The consequences won’t be cruelty.”

The implication was clear. I wouldn’t be physically harmed even if I did face the consequences of my actions. 

I shook my head in denial, hugging my arms around myself. “The only consequences are pain.” I whispered, more to myself than to him. 

He was completely quiet now. He could see the pain in my eyes; the desperation, the hopelessness that had consumed me. He began to wonder just how long I had been kept at HYDRA. 

Finally, he spoke again. 

“No.” He said firmly. “I promise that if you stay with me, I won’t hurt you. You have my word.” 

He knew I was only trying to protect myself from more pain and trauma by closing off. I was afraid. No, it was more than that. I carried lifetimes of fear.

“I won’t hurt you.” He repeated. “And I won’t let anyone else hurt you, either.” 

After a long and painful silence, he asked me another question. I flinched at the sound of his voice breaking the quiet of the room. It seemed I had retreated into my own mind. 

“Why did you come here?” He asked softly. “I know this was your mission, but of all people, why is it me that you decide to tell the truth to? Why did you think I would kill you without question?”

“I told you.” I said quietly. “They sent me to kill you and…If I failed they were going to hurt me. They would’ve experimented on me more…I was hoping you’d kill me. So I didn’t have to go back.”

“You really thought I would just kill you?” He asked quietly. I could hear the surprise in his voice. I had just admitted I had come here for this very reason, and he was shocked that I had been so convinced he would. I had been trying to find someone to do the hard part for me. I couldn’t kill myself - I still wanted to live, but not as an experiment - I was hoping someone else would do it. He was silent. 

“That’s what you want, isn’t it?” Stephen asked softly. “You want to die, but you don’t have the courage to do it yourself.”

My inability to meet his prying eyes answered his question. 

“You had two choices,” There was no judgment in his voice, just an overwhelming sadness. “You could return to HYDRA and face their wrath and their experiments.”

“Or…” Stephen began, his voice trailing off.

He didn’t need to say what the other option was. We both already knew. 

He was determined. He couldn’t just let me go. He couldn’t take the risk that I would find someone else to finish it for me. 

“What would you have done if I would have just sent you away?” 

I was completely silent. I tried to imagine what I would have done. HYDRA would’ve punished me for my escape attempt, especially after having such a good track record for the past several years. I also didn’t have any friends or allies. 

“I…I guess I would have gone back.” I said quietly. I would have gone back to HYDRA, and to the experiments I had tried so desperately to escape. It was certain that the experiments would’ve continued, and I didn’t want to go through that pain again. 

“I would’ve gone back,” I repeated quietly. My voice was hoarse and shaky, and there was pain in my eyes. “I’d go back and…”

I couldn’t say it, but Stephen knew I was thinking of the experiments.

“You’d go back to the experiments.” He said softly. “You’d let HYDRA experiment on you again, because you don’t have anywhere else to go. So you would just give up and go back.”

“Why didn’t you fight back?” He asked. He could tell that I had a fighting spirit, likely long before HYDRA had broken me, but he found it hard to believe I had never fought back. 

“I tried. I tried and it only made things worse. ” I said hoarsly. “That’s why I know the only way I can escape is to die. I-I’ve tried escaping before…” I trailed off, the pain of the memories coming back. I sucked in a sharp breath, wincing when my ribs protested. 

“This isn’t your first time?” He was starting to piece together a picture. A horrific picture of me trying to escape, only to be caught and tortured for my attempt. 

“The punishments-” My voice cracked. I hugged myself in an act of self comfort, letting out a shuddering breath. 

“How many times have you tried to escape?” He had to know.

“Six.” I answered. “Every time they hurt me even more but…but I still had to go on missions and get them done or- or…”

He felt the pain like a stab in his chest. “The punishments became worse?” He asked quietly. I nodded, unable to speak. 

He could read between the lines. I had tried to escape, and they tortured me for it. If I couldn’t complete a mission, no matter how impossible it was, I was punished for it and experimented on to make me ‘better’. 

And now they had sent me to kill him so they could punish me again for not succeeding. 

“If you stay here and fight alongside me, we will find a way for you to escape HYDRA. For good.” His voice was quiet but dangerous. I didn’t believe a word he said. 

“Tell me something,” He said after a pause. “Have the experiments caused you any permanent damage?”

“How long has it been since your last escape? When was the last time they hurt you?” He continued. 

He couldn’t help but wonder if HYDRA had made a mistake by torturing me for so long. It was obvious they were trying to create the perfect weapon, their very own Sorcerer Supreme; but perhaps that had pushed me too hard in the process. 

I hesitated. I didn’t want to tell him my weakness. I didn’t want to be so vulnerable . I didn’t want to tell him where or how he could hurt me easily. “My arms and hands aren’t…aren’t as strong as they used to be.” My admission told him all he needed to know. HYDRA had pushed me past my own limits in their efforts to further their own research. 

“My last escape was…nearly a year ago.” I said quietly. It was clear I had given up until now - until I couldn’t take it anymore. “But I failed a mission before this one. About…a week ago. They- they punished me for it.” 

Stephen was quiet. He could see the pain and fear clearly on my face. I had tried to be obedient; but I couldn’t bear the pain anymore and I just wanted an end to the seemingly endless torture. He couldn’t blame me for that. But he also wouldn’t let me give up. 

“They beat me.” I continued softly. “And the- the experiments. I think the incisions are still healing. On my back. I know my ribs are broken, but I guess you already knew that.” He nodded. 

“You said they were doing something to your spine? What was that for?”

“I don’t know.” I fought the urge to apologize. 

He could see how much pain I was in. “Have you had any problems with movement? Dizziness or lightheadedness? Uncoordinated?” Stephen asked as gently as he could. He knew what it was like to struggle with injuries, and he knew that I needed to be careful. 

“Lightheaded and dizzy.” I confirmed. “But I don’t know if it’s from that.” He nodded. There were too many other things that had to be factored in before he could diagnose anything.

I hesitated, wanting to add something but unsure if I should. If I could trust him that much. “Sometimes I get…burning pains. Especially right after they would give me the serum. My whole body felt like it was on fire.” 

“How long would it last? Did they take blood after?” It seemed as if he were studying me now. I shifted uncomfortably.

“They’d do spinal taps after.” I answered.

“While you were unconscious?” He realized after the words left his mouth that he was wrong. Of course, I wouldn’t have known what they did while I was unconscious. 

I shook my head. “I was conscious for all of it. Incisions and surgeries too, as long as I didn’t fight too much.” I corrected him. I cringed at the memories.

He let out a shaky breath, trying to push aside the sympathy and anger he was feeling. He tried his best to stay in doctor mode. He reached for my hand, which I instinctively cradled to my chest while cringing back. I eyed him warily, but his hands were gentle and warm as he felt along my arm, gently squeezing certain spots along my arm and hands. I jerked away at one point, hissing in pain. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He apologized softly. 

“Can you make a fist with your hand?” He asked. I could clench my fist, but my face screwed up in pain, and my entire arm shook with the effort. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed it before, but he finally saw the purple lines along my forearm and my darkened fingertips; a clear indication of magic overuse. 

“This is permanent. From overusing your magic. It affects the muscles and nerves. Can cause swelling in the brain.” He muttered. He held my hand gently now.

“How is your balance, generally? You can walk and fight, but are you stable?” He remembered how unstable I had been when I first came to the Sanctum to fight him. 

“Not great.” I answered quietly. “But I-I think. If you want me to.” I said, my voice strained. I struggled to my elbows, pushing myself to follow his directions. I let out a little gasp of pain and my arms buckled. I whimpered, squeezing my eyes shut for a moment before struggling to follow his direction again. 

“Stop. Stop it. It’s alright.” Stephen said softly, knowing I was clearly in pain with every movement. I flinched. “You don’t need to stand up.”

I was still, staring at him with frightened eyes. “You don’t have to do anything. Not if it hurts you.” His voice was full of concern.

He tried to gently put a hand on my shoulder, but he could see it caused me to stiffen. He knew I was expecting punishment for being unable to ‘obey’.

“No. It doesn’t.” I lied. “I-I’m sorry. I’m trying .” I insisted, still struggling. When Stephen reached to gently push me back down, I flinched.

“I know you’re trying. I know you don’t want to be punished again.” He said. “But you don’t have to. I’m not ordering you to stand up.”

“I need you to rest.” He continued. “You’re in no condition to do anything else. It’s okay.” Even though he was trying to understand my limitations, he didn’t want me to force myself to do something that was clearly still too difficult for me at the moment. He knew I had been conditioned to obey; I had been trained to suffer without complaint and to hide my pain. 

I couldn’t remember what it felt like not to hurt. I knew I had a life before, but still,  I couldn’t remember a time before my body and mind had been covered in scars. 

I shook my head, struggling against his hand on my chest. “Please. Let me try again, I can keep trying. I-” My voice wavered. Finally, I broke. I let out a choked sob, curling onto my side and hugging my arms around myself. I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to keep fighting back the stress and fear of the past several days.

Stephen was silent as he watched me break down. The emotions I was experiencing were so profound, so human - nothing like the weapon HYDRA had tried to make out of me. He was silent as I broke down, curling into myself in a desperate attempt of self comfort. He didn't want to just stand by and watch while I relived my trauma.

“Shhh.” He said gently, leaning across the bed and tentatively wrapping his arms around me.

My back was already against the wall, but I shrank away from him, automatically beginning to apologize before he could hurt me. He shushed me gently, now leaning against the wall with me and pulling me into his chest. “It’s okay.” He comforted me. 

I tensed in his arms, struggling half-heartedly against his hold on me. I didn’t want to accept his kindness, I didn’t want to owe him. I didn’t want to trust him. But as I broke down, I found myself leaning into his comfort and warmth.

He held me gently, careful of my injuries. He had never believed it before, but Stephen was good at comforting people.

“It’s okay.” He repeated. “Everything is going to be alright.” 

I had been so badly hurt by HYDRA, but Stephen seemed so determined to protect me from that. My instinct was to be defensive because in the past, that mindset had kept me safe. As safe as I could be given the circumstances I had been forced to survive.

Yet if he wanted to hurt me, he would have done it by now. Instead, he was comforting me. I shook slightly in fear. Part of me wanted comfort. Needed it. The other was waiting for the consequences. 

I was so tired of the guessing games. Of trying to guess what other people wanted so I wouldn’t be hurt. Of trying to guess if they were genuine in their kindness or not. I was exhausted. 

My body was still tense, but the tension was beginning to melt away. It left nothing but exhaustion and my quiet, stifled sobs. I finally relaxed after I let out one last sob, my ribs aching from the effort. When I felt Stephen shift me in his arms, I was surprised to realize I didn’t want him to leave. 

I curled closer to him, almost nestling myself against his chest. I let out a shuddering breath. “Don’t leave.” I mumbled softly. “Please.” I knew he could disregard my plea and leave any time, but I dared to hope he wouldn’t. 

“I won’t. It’s okay.” He reassured me, his voice soft. Despite everything, my body was still tensed, braced for pain or violence that wasn’t coming. My time with Stephen had been nothing but safe and so kind that I wanted to trust him. I wanted to believe that he would help me, that it was safe to let my guard down. 

I jumped a little when I felt his hand on my hair. My eyes darted up to his face, searching for ill 

intent, but I only saw a soft, almost affectionate smile playing at the corners of his lips. I fought the feeling, but I couldn’t help but to be put at ease by his soft expression. After a few more moments of hesitation, my eyes finally closed, and I let myself drift off to sleep.