Chapter Text
Eun-hyuk has been really tired for quite some time now, and not in the usual sense.
Not the usual tiredness that he’d feel every time he came back from his grocery store job, or the ache in his bones when he’d finally wake up on the couch from a night of arguing
No. Not that kind of tiredness.
It was more like the kind of tiredness that pierced through his heart and viscously ripped it apart, and all he could do was pretend like it hadn’t been torn from his body. Parading around heartless, hoping that nobody would notice how unnatural he was compared to any other living thing. Like a reflection that never mimicked quite right.
The worst part was that It wasn’t a cruel tiredness, either. His heart felt absent, yes, but it wasn’t enough to kill him. As if whoever had taken it from him, exchanged it for something else that would keep him alive for long enough, but would never feel right in his chest.
He had asked one of his friends about it, during a particularly boring match, and it seemed like the only solution to make it stop was to find out what was piercing through his heart in the first place. The answer had surprised him, because he had never exactly thought about what made him feel that tiredness.
It hadn’t even crossed his mind.
He had just accepted it as this dull yet incredibly present ache, and just like everything bothersome in his life, he had pushed it to the side. Having no time for himself to self-reflect, when he could be earning more money for his sister.
“ What makes your heart hurt, Crew? ” Eun-hyuk echoes as he rereads his chats from weeks ao, and he draws blanks. Because Eun-hyuk had never thought of himself in such an intimate way before, that he was almost uncomfortable with the idea.
What made his heart hurt?
He could think of a few things. One was his sister, Eun-yu. He didn’t know what to do with her anymore. Everything he did; every action, every word, every moment they spent together, she finds trouble in. Eun-hyuk can barely breathe whenever she opens her mouth, because she always manages to say words that made him feel like he had just been slammed against a wall.
But he had dealt with her his whole life, and he had been fine until now.
So it wasn’t her.
It couldn't be her. Right?
(In the back of his mind, Eun-hyuk feels shame in himself for even thinking that Eun-yu was the problem. Had he lost all respect in himself? In her? Just because of his own, pointless, hardships? Eun-hyuk’s brain starts to hurt rather than his heart at that.)
So what was it?
Well, there wasn’t much else after that. Aside from his recent troubles with Eun-yu, Eun-hyuk can barely think of anything else that could have made him feel this way. It was beginning to infuriate him, at this point.
Maybe he could ask someone about it. Someone else other than Gyuhwan. He barely thinks before he opens a new tab.
CrewCrew
Su. I need some help.
“Is he even awake?” He asks to himself in a whisper, trying his best to not wake up Eun-yu from where she slept behind him on the couch, but then he realizes how ridiculous that question was. It was Su. His best friend. Of course he would be awake. In fact he swore that that guy never slept, at all.
BLLK
What?
Eun-hyuk can’t help but smile as he sees the message. His heart thumping in his chest, and he finds some humour in it. Placing a hand over his heart and welcoming it back. "Why do you only come back when I'm talking with Su?" he asks to himself curiously.
BLLK
Hello?
CrewCrew
You should really sleep, you bastard.
BLLK
Nope.
What do you want?
CrewCrew
D’you know how to deal with a hurting heart?
BLLK
Jeez. Who hurt you, man.
Eun-hyuk snorts.
CrewCrew
That’s exactly the problem.
I don’t know.
BLLK
You don’t know who hurt you?
CrewCrew
I don’t know.
BLLK
Damn
What do you want me to do then?
If you don’t know then what???
Hello??
Stop ghosting me
He’s tempted to say ‘I don’t know’ again but he’d already said that two times, and he was sure Su was gonna block him if he said it for the third time. “I really don’t know, though.” Eun-hyuk whispers to himself, and how his voice sounded to his own ears made him burn in embarrassment. What was wrong with him? He was supposed to be the one who knew everything. Who knew how to solve every problem that came in his way.
BLLK
I just realized
This is the first time you’ve come to me for help.
CrewCrew
I’m just that good.
BLLK
Shut up.
So what’s your problem,?
He takes a deep breath.
CrewCrew
Tbh I have no idea what’s going on with me, or what I want from you.
I don’t even know why I asked you in the first place
All I know is that I’ve been having some problems lately.
BLLK
Real specific
CrewCrew
And that I need your help somehow.
You’re probably knowledgeable about this kind of stuff.
BLLK
Wow. Nice insult dipshit.
What does that mean huh
CrewCrew
Y’know I don’t mean it like that.
You just…
Have that vibe of knowing this kind of stuff yk?
BLLK
Yeah yeah. Whatever asshole.
You think I’m some sad sucker IRL, I get it
Well not like you’re wrong so eh
CrewCrew
You done?
BLLK
You ask me for help and you insult me?
You’re not a real one, Crew
CrewCrew
Shut up
Idc
BLLK
You’re losing me, Crew
If you don’t start talking I’ll block you
CrewCrew
Not if I block you first, coward
BLLK
How does that even make sense?
There really is something wrong with you.
Anyways stop deflecting.
Just fucking talk man
I’m getting sleepy with ur bs
CrewCrew
You? Sleepy? In the same sentence?
BLLK
Crew. I swear dude
CrewCrew
Okay okay. Fine. I’ll talk.
BLLK
Ugh
Finally.
CrewCrew
It feels like everyday is becoming, harder.
It’s getting harder to wake up every morning and get out of my bed.
It’s getting harder to eat, and to do the things I need to do.
BLLK
Uhuh
CrewCrew
It feels like everything is horrible, yk?
It feels like I've been backed into a corner, permanently
Like --- I'm perpetually in a state of sadness, I guess??
BLLK
Does it feel like you're nothing?
Eun-hyuk knits his eyebrows together, frowning. "...Do I feel like that?"
BLLK
That's you're worthless?
Silence looms over Eun-hyuk. His body suddenly feeling suffocating, heat creeping up and making him shift uncomfortably in his seat.
BLLK
How’s your personal life been?
It takes him a minute, or maybe a bit more than that, to get his hands to type a response.
CrewCrew
Why?
BLLK
Idk. It sounds like you might be going thru depression or something like that.
“Depression…” Eun-hyuk doesn’t know what to do with that information. His mind tries to rationalize it. Su probably wasn’t a professional. He wouldn’t be able to pinpoint what was wrong with him accurately considering he probably doesn’t have the proper training. For a moment he thinks about going to a therapist, but…
CrewCrew
Oh. Okay.
He looks behind him. Just to where she was sleeping.
Night time was one of the only times when they weren’t arguing. He would even say that at night, they were peaceful. Like the model siblings he’d see on social media. The ones that never argue, shared smiles with one another, and could bare being in the same room together at all.
His irrational mind blames the world for what they did to the both of them.
It's just--Eun-yu was her own person. She had her troubles, and angers, and everything to deal with in her own life, and he was just the most available outlet to take it out on. The world had done that to her. It had let her get angry to the point that every conversation between them led to screaming or slamming doors. At least she only screamed and broke things. She never went too far.
He thinks that it’s funny now.
As he watches Eun-yu shuffle in her sleep. That he let this happen. He could think about numerous different ways he could have prevented their dynamic from happening. Things that he was too afraid to do. Now he let this happen; the only peace they could achieve was when one of them was asleep. Maybe the only peace she will ever achieve is when he's dead.
BLLK
Was that too much?
Arms crossed and head tilted back onto the pillows. Unaware that there was a possibility that her older brother might be suffering from a mental illness. He thinks about what Eun-yu would do, and what she would think when she finds out. She always finds out eventually, about everything that’s going on with him. He doesn’t know how she does it.
He closes his eyes for a moment. Exhaling.
‘ Are you that fucking pathetic? ’ He thinks Eun-yu would say, ‘Depression, really? You can’t trust anything you see on the internet! Especially some creep you know from a fucking video game! ’
He couldn’t do that to Eun-yu.
‘ Get a hold of yourself Lee Eun-Hyuk! ’
BLLK
Sorry if that wasn’t the answer u wanted.
CrewCrew
It’s okay.
Eun-hyuk doesn’t waste a second to close the tab.
—
“Did you put the lunch I made you into your bag?” Eun-hyuk asks as he opens the door for her, "It's your favourite. So you don't go hungry.", he moves to hand her the cash he assumes she needed for her outing, only to receive a lazy middle finger. He doesn’t react to the offensive gesture. He was almost used to it at this point. He retracts his hand and places the money into his pocket.
"Mind your own business." She spits after putting her shoes on, "Also your food doesn't taste that good. I don't wanna put my friends through that garbage." before turning her back on him.
he sticks his head out from their door, fiddling with the straps of his bag. "Eun-yu, have a good time, okay?" he calls after her. Not minding the lack of response.
He watches as she walks through the hallway, then turns back to peer into their kitchen. He just sighs as he sees the plastic bag she had let sit on the table.
She hadn't even made an effort to pick it up, because that's how he had left it. It was basically untouched. Eun-hyuk thinks for a second that he should grab that for himself, but he knows that Eun-yu goes back home earlier than him. Maybe she'll eat it when she gets home. At least That's what Eun-hyuk tells himself.
He hadn't slept due to that. "Shame that it has to go cold." They were always like this. She never wanted anything to do with him.
He shakes his head, exiting their apartment and locking the door behind them. “Eun-yu, what am I gonna do with you?” he sighs, and he turns to follow her but stops when he feels a hand land faintly on his shoulder. The pressure is friendly enough that Eun-hyuk tries to eliminate who the person might be. Too gentle to be Jae-Heon, too quiet to be Ji-su.
“Do you need anything, Hyun-su?” He asks as he turns, moving to grip lightly at his wrist.
“Oh,” He’s met with a front row view of a surprised looking Hyun-su, whose mouth was slightly agape in shock. Which he assumed was because he had known that it was him. Though it doesn’t take long for him to cover it up with a slightly strained smile. “How’d you do that?”
Eun-hyuk sighs. “You’re one out of three of the people that would sneak up on me. I assumed it wasn’t Ji-su because it was too quiet, and your grip was too light to be Jae-Heon.” He says, wanting to end the conversation as soon as possible. He had an early shift today. He couldn’t afford to waste any precious time.
Plus, he wasn’t that close to Hyun-su, so this conversation was… a bit awkward.
Though he tries to push away the part of himself who's chest constricts to be talking to Hyun-su. Heart thumping faster than it needed to be.
“So what do you need?”
At that, Hyun-su straightens his posture, before handing him a lone choco pie. “You never eat breakfast.” He mumbles, gaze aimed downwards. “Sorry if I inconvenienced you. I was just a bit worried.”
“Worried?” Eun-hyuk raised an eyebrow. “What would make you worry?”
He shrugs. “I heard you crying, and your bedroom is right next to mine, and the walls are pretty thin so I didn’t have much of a choice but to listen to you cry. Not–I don’t mean it like you crying was–Whatever. I just wanted to give that to you.” He fumbled, and Eun-hyuk lets his grip on his wrist go.
Hyun-su lived right next to them. He almost forgot that.
And he had heard him cry.
He coughs, taking the choco pie from Hyun-su’s still extended hand. “That was pretty late in the night. What were you doing that needed you to be up that late?” He deflects. It was more like a rhetorical question. He wasn’t interested in anything that Hyun-su was doing last night at all.
“Uhhh.” Hyun-su lags, hands dropping to his sides. “Weird question but okay.”
“Sorry.”
“No. Uh. I guess I was just playing games?”
Eun-hyuk couldn’t help but be intrigued by that. “What kind of games?”
“Valorant. I like shooter games.” Hyun-su confesses, and Eun-hyuk smiles at that. He doesn’t find the surprise in Hyun-su’s face insulting at the fact that he had just smiled at him. He was used to others being constantly surprised that he was capable of basic expressions. It used to feel demeaning, but he works at a grocery store now, so.
“What’s your Riot ID?”
It was Hyun-su’s turn to smile, though this time less forced. Eun-hyuk could even say more genuine, but he would be getting ahead of himself in that territory.
“BLLK #9478.”
His heart starts to beat.