Chapter Text
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
It wasn’t supposed to be Sirius, face drained of colour with tremors running through his body. It wasn’t supposed to be Peter, standing behind them as he watched it all unfold in panic. It wasn’t supposed to be Remus, face contorted in anger and betrayal, spitting words drowned in venom directed at the one person in the world that James would’ve never thought was possible.
It was supposed to be James, Sirius, and Peter keeping Remus company in their animagus forms. It was supposed to be the three of them taking turns to stay with Remus in the infirmary the morning after and walking him back to their dorm after classes were over. It was supposed to be the Marauders, sitting in the comfort of each other as they laughed at their latest prank, the familiar warmth enveloping them like a hug.
It wasn’t supposed to be Sirius running into James with a wild sort of distress in his eyes, recounting the event with the speed of a man on his last dying breath.
It wasn’t supposed to be James, blood draining out of his face while he racer as fast as his legs would carry him, dragging back a shell-shocked Severus Snape from what could’ve been — would’ve been — his death.
James. James, I’ve done something terrible.
He hadn’t believed it. Sirius, who knew just how much Remus’ condition affected him, both physically and mentally. Sirius, who shamelessly hexed anyone who dared utter a rude word against Remus. Sirius, who knew Remus like he was his own soul.
But it was also Sirius, who lashed out without thinking when overcome with emotion. It was Sirius who felt so much and hid it in rash decisions and carefully crafted nonchalance. It was Sirius, one of the most self-destructive people James had ever met. It was Sirius, who James had pulled back from the ledge countless times himself (yet still hadn’t been able to pull him back from this ). It was Sirius, who just a day before had seethed with uncontrolled anger as Snape, who must’ve felt especially cruel that day, had targeted every single one of his friends (his family) mercilessly.
He would never forget seeing his best mate sobbing and trembling on his knees in a way that had frightened James beyond words after running from the Black Manor.
I left him. Reggie, my little brother. I left him there. I left him. I need to— I need to go back. She’ll hurt him next. I need to go back. I need to—
Despite his crazed protests, James hadn’t let him. He’d known it would only have ended up with Sirius in even more pain, and that was something that James never wanted to see.
He so desperately wished that he could take away all of his friends’ hurt and suffering, but he couldn’t, and he was sure that what happened that night was something that James would never forget. It was a living nightmare that would forever be playing on repeat every time he closed his eyes.
James should’ve known this time as well. He should’ve known it was only a matter of time before Sirius snapped.
He just never thought it would look like this.
How did I let this happen?
It was wrong. It was so wrong.
Fix this.
James felt the panic rise up his throat before he registered that his mouth had started to move of its own accord.
“Remus. Remus let him go.”
Remus didn’t so much as look at him, hands still tightly fisted in a petrified Sirius’ collar as he held him firmly against the wall, brittle rage radiating off his entire body.
“Remus,” James begged, devastation taking over.
I can’t do this. Don’t make me choose between the two of you. Not now, when everything is already so fragile.
Fix this.
If it weren’t for his mouth moving James wouldn’t have thought he had acknowledged him at all.
“Did you know.” Remus’ voice was flat, making it sound more like a statement than a question.
All that anger that he had been plummeting on Sirius was gone now, and anyone who didn’t know Remus well would’ve thought his wrath had truly dissipated. But James wasn’t just anyone.
He knew that rage was still simmering beneath his skin, waiting to erupt. He was restraining himself for James’ sake.
“Yes,” he lied.
The room’s temperature dropped in a way that he didn’t think was possible. All attention was on him now.
Good. James thought. Let it stay that way.
Sirius spoke for the first time since Remus had pushed him against the wall, barely louder than a whisper. “Prongs…?”
Don’t say anything. James silently pleaded, attempting to convey it through his unyielding gaze. Let me help you.
As if a spell had been broken, Remus let Sirius go and finally, finally , turned to look at him.
What James saw in his face broke his heart.
He was overly aware of everything in the room; the heat sticking to their skins, Remus’ furious breathing, Sirius’ horrified gaze, Peter’s mouth fallen open in aghast, the light glaring mockingly in his eyes, his own heart beating out of his chest and in his ears. It all prickled against his senses and the overwhelming need to move surged through his body.
“I’m sorry, Remus. It was impulsive and we decided at the very last minute in the heat of the moment. Me and Sirius were just so, so angry, and we got way out of our heads and didn't think about how it would affect you or how dangerous it was and I’m so sorry.”
Just like that, Remus’ unforgiving fury was back like a burning candle that had just been relit. “You didn’t think about how it would affect me or how dangerous it was? I’m a fucking werewolf, James! I could’ve killed him! I would’ve had an entire life on my hands all because you didn’t ‘think’!”
“I know,” James choked out, struggling to keep his composure now. “I know, it was dumb and we’ll both regret it for the rest of our lives and there’s nothing I can do or say that will change it. You never even have to forgive me. You can hate me forever — Merlin knows you have every right. And I know it’s not enough but just know I’m so, so sorry Remus.”
Remus let out a chilling, humourless laugh that he had never heard from his friend before. It rang through the room and grated at his ears. It sounded lifeless. Void. Null.
The knowledge that it was James who had brought it out of him made him want to lock himself on the astronomy tower and scream.
“Thanks. Thanks a lot for being sorry,” sneered Remus maliciously. “You know, I really can’t wrap my mind around it. You’re the one person I trusted completely, James. I thought out of everyone in this damn school, you understood how much I hate what I am. I’ve trusted you with every secret I have and even after that you still pull this shit? What the fuck is wrong with you!”
Trusted. Past tense.
“I’m sorry,” was all he could manage or else he was sure he’d be on the floor, trembling right next to Sirius.
God, Sirius. He was barely registering what they were saying, eyes unfocused as he stared at his hands. He looked petrified.
I will fix this. I promise you.
James knew that his apology was pitiful, no matter how fake it was. Remus deserved the world and more. He wished he could give it to him, but instead, here he was, taking a hammer and breaking one of his best friend’s hearts with each word that came out of his mouth.
For the second time today, Remus laughed bitterly. “So much for no secrets.”
An old conversation came rushing back to him.
I promise, Moony. Everything Sirius knows you and Pete know as well. There can’t be any secrets between us. It’s part of the Marauders oath. (James there was never a Marauder’s oath—) We’re a team. We don’t keep things from each other.
Remus throwing his own words back at him felt like a slap in the face.
He could take it all back just as quickly as he had said it. He could turn to Remus, tell him the truth, and beg for his forgiveness — again. He could explain to him that he had no part in this besides saving Snape when Sirius came running to him.
He could do it. He could.
Without even glancing at Sirius’ miserable condition, James knew he wouldn’t. He would never leave Sirius behind like that. Never.
You have so much love in your heart, James Jaan , his mother had once said to him when he had only just finished his first year at Hogwarts. And that is a beautiful thing. But it is not up to you to save everyone. You cannot protect them all.
But Ammi , if I don’t then who will?
I’m not saying don’t take care of them, beta. You have found an amazing group of friends and you should take care of each other when you need it. But I worry for you, Jamie. You can’t let your need to help them diminish your own.
But that couldn’t be right. James was nothing without his friends. They were his people. His family in all but blood. His happiness relied on theirs.
“Remus. Tell me what you need.”
Please. I need to make myself useful. I’ll do anything. I would do anything for you.
“What I need is to never see you again.”
James' heart dropped to his stomach.
But that was reasonable, wasn’t it? Really, James should have expected this. He had just done something terrible to Remus, one of the worst things possible, even if was a lie. It was only right that he didn’t want to see him again. Why would he?
James wanted to throw up.
“No!” Sirius stood up, voice shaky. “No, Remus, you don’t understand—”
“Sirius, I swear if you don’t shut the fuck up—”
Peter’s weak voice piped up for the first time. “Guys, maybe we should all just—”
“Okay.”
All three heads whirled around to stare at James. One in unkind viciousness and two in bizarre disbelief.
“If that's what you want, then that’s alright. We can do that.” He said, trying very hard to school his voice into one that didn’t sound like he was two seconds from breaking down, aware that even then he still sounded like he was the one trying to reassure himself.
“Just know that I will always love you, Moony. Even if you never look in my direction again.”
A pause.
“Fuck you, James,” choked Remus, tears now filling his eyes. “I—I can’t do this.”
He breathed in deeply before turning away to face the door.
“Just—Just stay away from me, you hear?”
And with that, he was gone.
Fuck .
James wanted so badly to run after the boy and beg him to stay. But he knew Remus needed this. He just hoped it wasn’t going to be permanent.
How did I let this happen?
Temporarily pushing all his thoughts and regrets away, he redirected his focus to what mattered in that moment.
James frowned as he went to kneel in front of Sirius, who already had Peter at his side trying and failing to console him. He was shivering again. It was an awful sight.
“What have you done?” trembled Sirius. “Why—Why did you do that?”
James pursed his lips. “You know why, Pads.”
“No, actually! I don’t!” Sirius burst. “Fuck, James, now he—he thinks you had a part in it when you didn’t . He hates you just as much as he hates me if not more! Don’t you know what you’ve just done? He’ll never forgive you! Why did you—Why would you—”
He burst into tears.
“Oh, Sirius,” James muttered before pulling him into a tight hug, enveloping him in all the warmth he could muster as the dark-haired boy sobbed in his arms. He ran his fingers through his friend’s hair, doing his best to calm him down as much as he possibly could.
“And I can’t—I don’t understand why you’re still here. You should be disgusted. I broke his trust. I did the unforgivable. You and Pete should’ve walked right out with him. But instead—instead you’re still here. You took the fall for me and I can’t fucking understand why.”
James pulled away, barely noticing the dampness in his shoulder where Sirius had soaked with his tears.
“You want to know why? Because I know you, Pads. You, Remus, Pete, I know you better than I know myself. And more than that, I know you’re good. You’re a good person. One of the best I’ve met. And I know you did it with good intentions. If you were as terrible as you say, you wouldn’t have told me about it as soon as you did. You would have let Snape walk into his doom. But you didn’t. And that matters.”
“It doesn’t—”
“ It does, ” James insisted. “And that’s exactly why I told him I had a part in it. I would never let you take all the heat. At least this way, he’ll be more focused on me than you since the words came from me. I refuse to let you face this alone.”
Before Sirius could open his mouth and deny it, James cut him off.
“No, don’t tell me you deserve it because you were the one who did it. You’re still facing the consequences of your actions, just with me next you. It’s not—I know you didn’t mean it.”
What he doesn’t say is, I know you like you’re my second lung. I can’t breathe without you. I should’ve known you would do something like this while you weren’t in your right mind. I should’ve been there to talk you down. I should be protecting you. I should be protecting all of you. I failed. It’s my fault. It’s my fault.
“He doesn’t know that,” croaked Sirius, tears still streaming from his swollen eyes faster than James had ever seen before. “And even if he did, it doesn’t take away the fact that I did it anyway. He hates me. He hates me and I—I don’t know what to do. I love him, Prongs. I love him so fucking much it hurts.”
“I know,” whispered James. “I know you do, Sirius.”
“And I think—I wouldn’t be so against him hating me if it weren’t for the fact that you — you idiot self-sacrificing martyr — hadn’t stepped in front of me like the fool you are and taken the worst of the blow. I know how much he means to you. I—I can’t stand the idea of him hating you forever. You shouldn’t have done it.”
“And yet,” James smiled sadly, “I would do it all again ten times over.”
Sirius lets out another sob. “I know you would. I know . And it makes me want to… Merlin, I don’t even know. You're too good for this world, Jamesy. I don’t want it to finally come crashing down on you.”
Let it. It’s worth it if it means protecting you.
“You don’t have to worry about me.”
“I do, Prongs, so much.”
James shakes his head. “I’ll be fine. What I want now is to make sure that you’ll be okay. Remus loves you. No matter how angry or betrayed he feels right now, there’s no denying that he still loves you. Love like what the two of you have can’t just be erased. It might take some time but he’ll come around. You just have to trust me, Sirius.”
Sirius looks up, hair falling into his eyes. Despite looking worn down and moments away from another breakdown, James could see the fervent loyalty in his eyes. James didn’t know what he had done to earn it. “I trust you, James.”
“Good.” He cracked a small smile. “Now, let’s get you cleaned up, yeah? We can’t have you stinking up the dorm like this, can we?”
“But I don’t even smell that bad…” James heard the boy mutter before he pulled him up and ushered him into the bathroom demanding that he take a shower.
Blimey , Prongs. You’re such a mother hen. Remus’ all too familiar voice echoed in his mind.
James swallowed the lump forming in his throat as he leaned his head onto the bathroom’s closed door.
“James…?” Peter’s hesitant voice jolted him out of his thoughts.
The blond in question looked feeble. Peter had always been the most fragile in their group when it came to things like this. He knew the idea of things going wrong frightened him and he also knew that Pete was the most vulnerable out of the four with his gentle, tentative soul.
James had worried about him deeply at the beginning of their friendship, fearing that he would always be in his own cocoon and never open up to them. But eventually, he did and James saw the playful, kind boy that they had dug out under all that shyness. He was so proud of him. Of all of them.
Still, he would always worry.
“Do you think they’ll be okay?” He whispered. “Remus and Sirius?”
James hesitated.
“I don’t know, Pete. We just have to trust that they will be.”
“And… what about you? Are you okay?”
No. James thinks. I want to shut myself somewhere where no one can find me and cry until there are no tears left. I want to grab a broom and fly as far from here as I can. I want to see my parents. I don’t want to feel this way.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m terrified everyone hates me. I’m terrified I will lose all of you. I’m terrified that Remus will never look me in the eye again. I’m terrified that I’ve lost one of my closest friends. I want someone to take over. I want someone to help me fix this.
I’m not as strong as you think.
Instead, he gathered all he could to flash his most convincing James Potter smile. “You know me, Wormtail. I always am.”
Peter didn’t look certain but he dropped it. “Maybe I should try with Remus? I mean… he shouldn’t be mad at me, right?”
“No, Pete.” James shook his head, doing his best to soften the blow. “I know you mean well and he definitely doesn’t have it out for you but he needs space. We need to give that to him.”
“Okay,” breathed Peter. “And… you don’t think he was being serious about not wanting to see you again? Remus wouldn’t…”
Uneasy silence washed over the two of them as James bites at his lip.
“I think… I think he’s hurting very deeply. And that he lashed out on the very first emotion he had and that it’s much easier to be angry than it is to be upset. I think that when Remus is fully set on doing something, there’s very little that will get him to stop. He feels so much. More than anyone I know. Because of that, it hits him harder when he gets hurt. Not to mention hurt by someone he trusts.” James explains this to Peter as best as he can, ignoring the spike of pain in his chest when he refers to himself as the one who has recklessly broken his trust.
If James can so easily take an important relationship and crush it in his hands, what does that say about him as a person?
“I don’t know if he will keep true to his word. I just… I don’t know, Pete.” He pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes, trying to quell the headache that was certainly on its way.
“I don’t know,” he whispered.