Chapter Text

chapter 1: batter gets the “bat” news

*THWACK* “OW” *THWACK* “STAHP” *THWACK* “NOOO-” *THWACK*

[purification complete~] the batter stood over the super duper dead exploding head office worker and stared at the dead body becasue damn, that wash fuceked up. Heads arent meant to do that. Wuld his head dothat some day?

the Puppeteer said out loud “GOD. DAMN. just like that youtube poop i saw once where a guys head exploeded”

Bat didnt know what a yoube poop was but he was usede to his puppeteer sayig weird shit so he didnt ask.

then he heard as if from nowehre he heard the sound of metal clanging agaesnt metal over a saw. “What [the dink] is that noise?”

“that “””””NOISE””””” is SONIC Eraserr - vrersus moe you fukcing uncultured animal” the puppeteer scoffed

“What?” the batter stood there for solid 5 sexonds. “Okay. Where is that Sonic Eraser - Versus Mode coming from?”

The puepteer eyes widend “OH SHIT that my phone!!!1!’ they fumbled to gettheir phone out of their pocket. “Bat you go rifle thrugoh this dead guys pockest while i take this call.”’

“Okay.” the Bater said and he did that (He found $5 in credits (I dont know the credits to USD conversion reate so do tha math yorself) a packet of gum and a photo of thge office workers wife ( a pedalo because women are in such shrot supply these days). he put it all inhis pockets for later.)

MEAN WHILE the puppeteer ansdwered da fone. “yeah its [REDACTED] here wazzup”

“GREETINGS [REDACTED]!! We call with big news!” hammily yelled a voice in reply.

“oh shit youre one of da space apes huh.” the pupeter was a little nervous becasue his emploeyrs usually only called for bad reasons. “look me and batman are working on it-”

“no, no, dont worry! We are no longer in need of your services!”

“lolwut?”

“HA HA HA HA HA!!!” and then the space ape fucking hung up

“LOLWUT?” The Puppyteer was, to put it mildy, upset. he quickly dialed the number back up. “BITCH WHAT”

“RATATAM, RATATAM, RATATAM! YOU HAVE REACHED THE SPACE APES HELP LINE!”

“HEY ITS [REDACTED] WHT TF DO YOU MEAN YU DONT NEED ME ANYMORE”

“..................................” uncomfotably long period of silents. finally “Hi [REDACTED]. It means we dont need you anymroe. Pretty self explanatory”

“but why.”

“we found a cheaper territory to build our vicous robot factorys on.” (it was silent hill)

“CHEAPER??? bithc im ALREADY doing this for free”

“Yeah but therye paying us to take it.” the space apesounded very pround of themself. “$-100 is cheaper tahn $0.”

this was bullshit “this is  bullshit”

“We’re not changing our minds.”

“what am i gonna tell my puppet????????/?”

“Not our oroblem” and then the apes hung up

“FUCKER” the puepter tried to call back the appes. But they blocked their number…………

there was a logn silence only broken by teh sound of the batter trying to unravel the msytery of chewing chewing gum. and then gagging msierably as he tried to swallow it and began to choke. Alpha performed a skilled heimlich maneuver which was especially fascinating 2 watchh becasue alpha had no limbs.

finaly the puppeteer turned to da batter solenmly. “Hey big slugger i got bad news.”

“What did you just call me?”

ignored “we jast got fired.”

The Battter stared in a manner similar to a dog who didnot understand why you arnt handing them that very tasty looking wallet. “What?”

“we got fired”

“What does that mean?”

teh puppeteer looked like thgey were abuot to cry. it was always so hartbreaking to break bad 
  news to somebody.. “it means No More Holy Mission To Purify The World.”

the batter frowned “Huh? What?”

“IM SORRY…. MY EMPLOYERS SAID THEY DOTN NEED US TO DO THIS ANYMORE…….!”

“This isn’t funny.” The batter said anxiously (it didnt sound very diferent from his nonanxious voice)

“im sorry man this isent a sick prank like the time i told you you had to drink all teh plastic to reach da bottom of hte ocean and find da specter king..” a tear ran down the Puppeteers face. “This… is 4 realsies. nobody wants us to kill everypony in the world anymore. ”

“But… The- the.” The batter opened his mouth and then shut it. “The spectres? The ghouls? The world clearly needs purified.”

“who care. Noobodys gonna tell me i did a good job for making you kill things for tehm!!!!11!”

the bater looked like akicked puppy if  a kicked puppy was always makign the :| face. “...” he glanced to alpha for advice and got none. “We’re just stopping? We’re leaving the world in this state?”

the puppeteer paused thoughtfully. dhey had to thenk a lonngggg time about this one.. on one hand purifying the zones woudl be good stress relief. and its clear the batter felt really strong about this. on the otehr hand….. their therapits told them they needed to stop destroying fictional alternate dimensionz as a hobby. and if they kept doig this then they might have to fight that littel kitty kitty from zone 0 eventually. and the pupeteer LIKED little kitty kitties so that would be a real bummer.

finally they took a deep breath knowing tehy were about to shatter their poor little murder pueppets dreams. “We have to stop now.’

the batter stared D: faced. Alpha cuddled up to him for moral supprot though given alpha was naught but a big ring that just was kind of awkwerd.

it was very tense and silent and weird and it dident help that there was still a DEAD OFFICE WORKER in thge room. alpha started to gnaw on the corpses arm.

“how it doing that” the puppeteeer said fascinatedly

the bat frowned harder. “...What now?”

“idk man get a fucking hobby” the pupepter shrugged. “like play soem vidya games or something. theres this one cool rpg i been trying to beat lately called OFF- oh wait nvm.”

tteh Batter stared at the Puppeteer incredulisly. “........”

“dont look at me like that.”

“............................................................”

the Puppeteerr huffed annoyedingly. “wuod u feel better if i gave you a NEW holy mission?”

batter crossed his arms staring expectently.

“Okya. okay. i got something. that shuld make everybody happy and involve ZERO dead cats (unless ur realy bad at it.)” the puppeteer said dramtically. ‘You… must become the greatest baseball player to ever live.”

the batter forze up with wide eyes that might be invisible. “I…”

“oh come on what is it NOW. dont tell me you dont even like baseball bat-boy.”

Bat kind of looked like he was abuot to start crying. he didnt bc he was a cool holy savior and holy saviors dont cry adn also it was ambiguuos if he even had eyes but. Maybe jast one sparkly tear went down his face. “I… don’t… know how to play baseball.”

“OH MY STARCLAN DUDE.” the puppeteer didnt know wether to laugh or not bc the Batter sounded just so sad in that moemnt it felt like his heart had just broken into little itty bitty peieces. “shit. well. okey. im gonna be real. i dont know how to play it either so i cant rly teach you. so. your new mission: LEARN TO PLAY BASEBALL.”

the bater took a deep breath before nodding seriously. the thuoght of learning to truly play ball filled him with determination (like that one game, undergame). “...Understood.” he hesitated, staring at the bat in his hands. “But… how?”

‘idk man tehres a whole big wide world out there. SOMEONES gatta know how to play.” the pupepteer shrugged. “and if we dont find a team well just have to make one. as teamworks makes the dreamworks:™: as we both know.”

“Right.” the batter nodded clutching his bloody bat as he steppd over the dead office guy and aronud the boxes of the postal office. perhaps… the queens inspectre knew how to play baseball.

Chapter Text

chapter 2 BY A GUEST WRITER WHO INTERVENTED IN THIS (i am like the kitty kitty cat who goes in like STOP RIGHT THERE)

A.N. Hi eveveryone . This fic is some baka nonsense and i am so sick of seeing sad things happen tl t eh obateer. This is fucked up and its inmpossible for him to ever learn to

i think y I CANT GET RID OF THE BLANK SPACE AFTER THIS IMAGAE oure a qutiter who doesnt believe in the batters ability to learn to playb all

NO LISTEN TO ME.

YOU LISTEN TO ME.

the batter will enver learn how to BASE BALL because nobody in the zones know waht a BAT is.s. do you reamember ZONE 2 When everyone was liek "Your.e….. """""Bat?""""""


they mustve thought it was a penis implement at first or something die like that  

zacharie twhat about him

do you really thingk he can Base ball? I dont think he has ever seen a baseball bat used for anything but violence this is a video game and it is NOT a baseball game

he can check wiki how

THEY DO NOT HAVE WIKIHOW IN THE ZONES

the puppeteer has wikihow the puppeteer literaly just established they can listen to Sonic Eraser - Versus Mode. so checkmate

zacharie dont have it

I THINK you are a quitter youd ont believe in teh batters ability to overcome adversity. agaesnt all odds.

YOU ARE RUINING MY AUGTHOTS NORSE

Then right my fanfic for me boy.

THAT WAS THE PLAN. LOSER

Chapter Text

chapter 2 BY A GUEST WRITER WHO INTERVENTED IN THIS (i am like the kitty kitty cat who goes in like STOP RIGHT THERE)

an: hey do you have like a title for the first chapter man
i do neow
ok sweet :thurmbsup:

The batter tried really really hard to find some way to base some balls. How does One "base balls?" anyway? He must've thought to himself. don't ask me though my name isnt batter "jumpintopipes" thebatter. He looked every where! Left and right and up and down and all around so much that you would think its zone 2 up in here! But he didnt. Fucking. Find it.

"man what are oyu doing lol" hollered zacharie who was currently balancing on a massive stack of boxes. the batter wasnt going to ask (the zacharie is always doing gay shit like that to see if the batter will be impressed but in all honesty the batter does not even care. the batter will take any pronouns but just being referred to by just "the batter" is also acceptable). 

the batter looked up like the worlds Saddest Little Seal. "...Do you know anything about how to play baseball?"

zachariae SNORT LAUFGHTED so hard he fell off the boxes and got got right in the stomach by the patters bat wich was pointed upright for this exact purpose. "WHATTT YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO PLAYSEBALL????" he made a horrible croak of a dying frog.

"you head that coming." XD'd the puppeteer very distraughtly.

wihle he was still dying zacrharie did not relent in talking ythough. "Well maybe so" he put a finger to his chin thotfully. "..okay. for 50955975048653456849 crediats. I will teach you how to play the ball my friendmigo"

the batter thought before frowning so sad it was hyperrealistically even and made you CRY INSTANTLY. (Maybe the buppeteer should make sure theire game isnt haunted….. D'oh@!") "I only have 50955975048653456848 credits."

zacharie was probably smiling like a little SHIT under that stupid bitch fuck mask . "i don't haggle batteur"

The puppeteer (dark empath?) could feel batters sadness and frustation and despair  and like beating his head into a WALL. They had to do SOMEHTING. "batater my bestie im goisneg to turn off the dviedo game now. Plase promise you will not suffer in pain and writher agonically like my buddy monikca? from Doki doki literature club? (I heard zacharie was based on that one)"

the batter looked to the side. "I don't think that's supposed to happen." he poked zacharei (who was still dying on top of his baseball bat) on the nose "...Does that happen?"

"only one way to find out my purifacatory broski. myy orgnas hurt so bad write now lol"

"I can probably take it." the batte said  though he was probably hpoing very much that it would not be miseablre. the puppeter gave him a reassuring thimbs up and a smile that would probabkly ruin a family photo but was all the while very genuine.

"batter cant see that" lold zacharie. "Open your Webcam take a photo and if you put in in the game overwritting one of the roller coaster photos he'll  be able to see it. wait shit we're in zone 1 nvm"

the batter "I don't think you have said even one real thing so far."

"well yeah its a viedsoi game"

"..."

puppeterr frouwnd scraggly. "Uhhh… You might wanna take a look at this." they were highlightign the folder of Pictures in the off files AND THERE WAS A ROLLER COASTER PHOTO!!! but that batter couldnt see it. well who cares the puppeteer closed out the game. then they opened it in RPGMAKER and gave the batter ONE MORE credit. and also theh photo so hethey could replace it with her sweet visage. then reloaded the game "......................my friend mny puuppet. did it hurt to be nothing"

the batter didnt answer he wasa too distracted by looking at his RAD LOOT. "...Just one credit?"

"um shoauld i have give yo;u more?"

"...Nevermind." he then went to look at the photo "AH !" AND he SCREAMED IN THAT WAY HE DOES SOMETIMES where he looks like a little baseball playing pacman! (But don't forget… He can't plpay Baseball! So that is a Lie. ) The puppeteer was SCARY like the kind of thing youd see in a JUMPSCARE. But his aface then returned to his normal defualt. "What the fuck."

"dont woary most feople cream like that when they see my face"

"They- what? "

"*scream"

zacharie was bleeding out "so are yuo gonna pay up or what?"

"Fine. Here," the batter handed over the credits and zacharie took them all into his mouth like some kind of horrible combination between man and paper shredder. the batter is didnt even comment because he's such a stoic

zacharie lifted his finger with the last of his strength. "ok so my dear ball-less baseballer . what you need to do in order to play baseball is………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………i dont know! lol"

THE BATTER JAW DROPPED IN SHOCK. AND BETRAYAL. "You said you knew how."

zacharei shruggied. "welll yeah i did saya that. oops"

"I want my credits back."

"are you sure about that"

"..."

"thouaght so. anywya this is YOUR fault for killing me to death with baseball bat and not even having the decency to get it out of my stomach and having this long conversation. yuo coulaevde at leaast let me die in your arms but no……… you had to have me skewered like a kebab."

"It's not even going through you."

wehn the batter said that suddenly zacakrei sank further onto the bat and there was BLOOD. "now it is"

“you gonna eat that?” the puerpteer assed

the batter wordlessly threw zacharei off of his bat with a frown. "Okay, so we're back at square one."

zacharie with  his last last dying strength gave a thumbs up "heheheheh …… and you will be back at square one forever . such is life! welll see you in off 2 " then died (until i inevitably forget we killed off zacharie)

at that moment dedan tried to open teh door to his office but it was jammedbecause zachareis dead body was laying against it. “WTF”

THE BATTER SWEATED. He was surely thinkging "(Ohhh i canat NOT kill him)" at the moment . alpha waas holding up a sign (downt ask how) that said "GO BATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and was shakiang intensley trying to restrain himself(or is it a guy?) from exploding dedan with 10000000000000000000000000 Competences. (AN: If this translation bothers you GTFO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Batter cuold see alpha charging up JAVASCRIPT BLAST as we speak. uh oh (an: ummmwhered he learn that. :/ (AN AN: at my house)(an:ok)

eWHAT WOULD THEY DO>?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chapter Text

chapter 3: the choise

AN: Listen to this while reading this its dedant's theme!

     The Batter weighed his options with a repulsive effort. What was there to be done? What ever could there be done? He wanted killing so bad. It was the very purpose he was made for, his truly one defining character trait. This was not a man that contained multitudes. He promises.
     But… what was he without a reason? A puppet without a cause, sent out to exist without guidance, now having no point to his existence, a role no longer necessary. He looked up at nothing, desperately, pleadingly, in spirit towards the very Puppeteer who had thrown him into this predicament.

mean while Deadan was like trying so hard to get the door open but zacaries bag contained hyepr dense antimatter so he was like inpossible to budge “WHAT THE [DOLPHIN NOISES] IS GOING ON OUT THERE” but like who fuckeng cares abt that(AN: um i do a little dedano is my favorite :( (oh sry)

     The batter had a sady frowny face "What do I do, [Puppeteer of unspecified name and gender]?" and he looked REALLY
     REALLY
     REALLY
     SAD.
     <- like this.
     The puppeteer knows how sad he was btw because they have dark hyperdarkempathy for fake baseball players.

It was making the ueppeteer reconisder calling off the misson….. but that would mean EVERYONE FUCKING DIES. including the little kittykitty……. :( "THere has GATO to be another way! We WILL figure out howu to get you to "  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

But the butter couldnte wait. he couldnt wait at ALL. his eyes (if he has them) shined with FUCKED UP (new verb) AND HE GRABBED ZACHARIES CORPSE AND BUSTED DOWN THE DOOR WITH IT LIKE A BATTERING RAM. "Purification in PROGRESS." HE SHOUTED REALLY LOUDLY WITH A MANIC GRIN.

"BATTER STOP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" PUPPETEER CRIED OUT . BUT IT WAS NO USE! then the batter remembered he cant do anything without the puppeteer's help so he just kinda stood there while dedan regained his bearings

"[insert dedan dialogue here he may be my favorite but i dont remember even a single line he has ever salad in the history of yume nikki] Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. " he probably said something ableist too (AN: Yuckr favorite is the ableist? Hm… i dont think we can be friends anymore. We write this fic as enemies now.)(AN: No man hes like my favorite in the way that you like a character whos really a bad guy. Like anot cool dude. BGut you wouldnt want to be friends with them in real life. You get what i mean? I don't condone his actions. WHos your favorite charcter anyway)(i like judge hes  a cat)(AN: Oh yeah i would hang out with that guy)

"BASEBALL EXPLOSION ATTACK. PLEASE. PLEASE LET ME BASEBALL EXPLOSION ATTACK." the batter said trembling so   n sn bf,hjk;jdlgbma,fbhmck.smly. "PLEASE." "PLEASE PUPPETEER I'M BEGGING YOU. BASEBALL EXPLOSION ATTACK." this is a psa to all you puppeeteers out there if you take away their mission it gauses mental insanity and is basically animal abuse.

dedan blinkied (how does he do that? Vote in the comments below ^_^). "...You play baseball?"

THRE BATTER JSUT STARTED BAWLING ON THE SPOT. except he didnt because 1. he doesnt cry and 2. he cant ball. so insteafd his face just crunkled up like… paper. (Fun fact! Did you know all charcters in OFF (game) are made of papaer?))

“Is your face ok” dedan asked distrubed

"I'm so mad right now." The batter doesn't know how to express his feelings :( But he did kind of look a little like those weird kermit faces

"also yuor face is BAD oyu are NOT one to le juge" added pupepter crossly. “i could yuse your teeth as a stapler. how dose that make you feel. huh.”

DEDSN SUDDENLY STARTED ACTUALLLLLY CRYING FOR REAL. "ALL OF MY WORKERS USE MY TEETH AS A STAPLER EVERY TIME WE'RE OUT OF STAPLES;. ID [BLEEP]ING FIRE THEM BUT THEYRE RIGHT TO DO THIS BECAUSE OTHERWISE ALL THE WORK WOULD FALL BEHIND"

"Wow." said the batter
L
“Hah. psychology attack” smiled the puppeter dark empathically.

dedan suddenly made that ONE rpgmaker stock monster roar "That is IT i have had it with you weird %&@(!ing baseball payer and disembodied voice. also youre probably mentally ill." THE BATTLE STARTED BUT THE BATTER COULDNT DO ANYTHING BEACUSE THE PUPPETEER STILL HADNT FUCKING DONE ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE DEDAN GRABED A FUCKING CLOCK OFF THE WALL AND JUSTT STARTED BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF THA BATTER WITH   IT

“this late-onset pacisfist run is Not workign out” the puppeterr said confused why this ws not working out so good

IT WAS HORRIBLE

Chapter Text

chapter 3: 3 years later

It was 3 years later. The batter was still getting pummeled.

*THWACK* “Ow.” *THWACK* “Stop.” *THWACK* “No.” *THWACK*

Everyon was wondering just how the batter was still alive. Zacharie had been waiting so long that he grew a beard and died of old age before he saw the end of the batter's beating. (BUT NOT BEATING OFF YOU SICKOS!!!!!!) 

Puppeteer rubbed their chin thotfully (just like zacharie did earlyer! That was foreskin. I mean foreshadowing.) "howo do i stop this shit"

"Please, just press the Attack button already." The better saids while hollering and wailing so painfully it made you want to throw up. I was right wasnt i? Admit it. "How long has this even been going?"

Zacharie took a calender off the wall. It was a little bit useless though because it wasnt that date anymore anyway. "...welll i was in a coma."

"WUAT but you didnt Stay in it.." puppeteered the puppeteer.

"well thats is what the batter will do if you dont act soon!"

"THIS GAME DOESNT HAVE THAUT BUTTON"

"well then its his space furnral ig" zacharie chunkled and then rpgmaker transitioned away. pick one i dont feel like looking at them

DEDAN suddenly storped. "oh [CRUD] im am out of cocks. i mean clocks (EVEN MY EARLEIRE COMMENT WAS FOREWARNING!!!)" he lookied really shoked and betrified. he WASNT soign ANYTHING!!!!

the batter finally smiled realll wide for the first tiem in maybe even his Life. but uit looked kind if ugly idk "This is our chance to strike back, while he's distracted!" maybe even grinchlike . tbh :/

hiweaver the pitiful puppeteyr was just twisdling their fingies and being a noncommital flaky fuck. AGAIN. "ahhhaahh but i duont know.. the little kitty kitty?"

Batter was hyperventilating out of injuries and frustrageion. "Hey. Hey. Look. Look at me right now. Over the past three years I have repeatedly suffered so much head trauma that I have forgotten what a cat even is. We need to make our next move immediately. "

THE PUEPTER GASPED IN HORRORSHOCK BUT Probabley not for the reasons the batter was going for. "YOU DOTN REMEBEER LITTLE KITTY KITTYS!???? YOU CANT EVEN IMAGINE PETTING THEM??????????? god. FUCK. Youre fucking right we need to euathanize this bad bitch deedan RIGHT NOW"

"Sure. Fine." The batter most liekyl knew if he tryed to argue he would porksbly cause the  puppeteer to change her mind so he did not. He might not be even actually forgotting what little kitty kittys are. Maybe he lied.  

Dedan sodomly snapped out of his dissociative state. "I'm a Bad Bitch?" He said with genuienly surprise and maybe even excited. "i was worried no body would ever see me that way.. HAHAHA… YEAH!!! IM THE BADDEST BITCH THIS SIDE OF THE NOTHINGNESS AND DONT YOU FORGET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;" HE GOT HITTED WITH A SECOND WIND AND JUST STARTED ANIHILATING THE BATTER WITH ONE TRILLION ATTACKS

"AAAAATATATATTRGGRHRGHRGHRRGGRHHRGRRHRGGHRHGGRHRHGRGHRRHEGEGRHRHRHRHEGRHGR" BATTER SCREAMED

3 years later…

SCREAMED the batter. screamed

some guy who worked here peeked his head through the dooreway and was like "um… uh sir are you like. dead for real or should i not have been taking your job for the past 6 years"

DEDAN SUDDENLY YELLED. "WHAT THE [fudge] IM THE BOSS AROUIND HERE YOU CANT DO THAT"

and the batter,? Ohhh the batter. He looked FURYUS. "You… you aren't even the guardian of this zone anymore?"

"what no one said that-"

THE BATTER WASNT LISTENING!!!! VirtuAquarium3D FORGOT TO DRAW HIS EARS EARLIER SO HE COULDNT. "Six. Years. ? " HE TREMBLED LIKE A FUCKING CHIHUAHA AND HIS GAZE SNAPPED OVER TO THAT GUY ELSEN WITH THE JOHNNY TEST WHIPCRACK SOUND HE LOOKED SO INTENSELY. "ADVERSARY TAKEN BY SURPRISE"

"uhhh can you really say its a surprise if you tell-OH SHIT" 

WITH DISREGARD TO EVEN THE PUPPETEER'S BINDING STRINGS, THE PUPPET ACTED OF HIS OWN ACCORD. BESTOWED UPON EVERY LAST ONLOOKER WAS A VEHEMENT DISPLAY OF FREE WILL

and
That guy (my buddy elsen from accounting we sometimes go out for beer in the parking lot. we talk about random bullshit we always forget and alternate drunk driving each other home)
DIEDED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!あいいいいああ (an: oops accifent) !!!!!!!!!! THIS GAME IS FUCKING SCARY.

zacharie eyes widengly "woah"

puppeteer was too busy taking a shower then he looked at the screen and WAS SCARED. "Ruh rou…. THATS not suppoised to happen!"

batter looked downrightb MANIACAL with his grin and he was panting. "Adversaries. Purified." HE THEN FELLED OVER BECAUSE HE WAS AT -4664836372936462826376363525152728282992283637 HP (but that didnt mean died!)

he was bloddy and broken and looked really pathetic. :(

Dedan …'d. "you STUPID PISS IDIOT thats not how it works im still the fucking guardian of-". DAWNING HORROR CAME OVER HIM AS HE CLAPPED A HAND OVER HIS MOUTH. ZONE 1 FADED INTO A BRILLIANT WHITE LIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"This zone... is now pure…" bat said weakely before passing out, last thing he heard being the sweet sweet asmr sounds of the nothingness

Chapter Text

chapter 3: Batters baseball adventure chapter3D

luckily the beatter was not in a comma. he woke up in a very pink zone surrounded by some weirdo office workers (gender) who all looked very worriwd about him. when he's eyes opened they made a gross audibke crack siund. sorry "Uuuuhrrrgrgh."

"Um…. Um are you okay?? you looked like you were really hurt…. but we got you over to this awesoms cube and youre better now."

"Urgrgrgrggrhrhhhhhhghh." Batter still wasnt feeling well (i assume. like ive said before i dont knoww hat hes thinking)

The guys looked really scared. "I hope thats…. not a pained groan of threatening……" they talked amongust each otter for a bit. "He does look pretty dangerous…… why would someone be covered in BLOOD if they werent dangerous?"

The Batter finally got up. "Where am I?"

"i dont knuow if i shoudl tell you that………. are you dangerous?"

"..."

THEN THE PUPPETER INTERDUPTED. "NO WE arebnt we are achsuallyy like the safest people on THE WORLD. trust me. i have a tie"

This seemed to placate the office workers. "oh i see! well you seem friendly enough msyetsrious disembodied voice. you can stay here any time :D"

"I know………………hehe" they said ominosuly kind of. But the elzens didnts care. Then the puppetser knocked on their screen to get the batters attention. It didnt work inmediately so they kept knocking on their screen so hard and THEN THEIUR LAPTOP BROKE. they left to buy a replacement and move all of their stuff of their old hard drive onto the new one because the screw keeping the old hard drive in was stripped and they didnt really want tostart from the begginning again plust they had some really important files (like this fanfic). however their old hard drive corrupted in the process because the desk they ahd their compter on was too wobbely and they did not hauevs a solid state drive. so they had to take a hacksaw and saw their old computer in half to retrieve the usefull metal part inside much like the (now dead) workers of pentel then they had to ship the drive off to a professional recovery service to rescue their data. however ehen they got word back the "preofessionals" were like "lol this shitts BUSTED" anc the peueo4terr had to like sob qnd bawl qnd wail for them to come back with anything remotely more helpful. "Well we lost most of the contents. Woopsies! But we did manage to recover one folder of some strange program called RPG_RT.EXE. too bad dude" BUT the purpeteer whooped and hollerred in happy because t9 be honest his little bat buddy was all they really needed in life. So yhey returned the hard drive to her and she transferred the video game back to the new computer and did have to redo that opening segment of zone 2 but theys were just happy to see the battsr again. Fortunately the puppeteer lost all his tax returns. And also his hair. all in all this took about 12 years

The woke up in a very pink zone surrounded by some weirdo office workers (gender) who all looked very worriwd about him. when he's eyes opened they made a gross audibke crack siund. sorry again "Uuuuhrrrgrgh."

"Um…. Um are you okay?? you looked like you were really hurt…. but we got you over to this really awesoms cube and youre better now."

"Urgrgrgrggrhrhhhhhhghh." Batter still wasnt feeling well (i assume. like ive said before i dont knoww hat hes thinking)

The guys looked really scared. "I hope thats…. not a pained groan of threatening……" they talked amongust each otter for a bit. "He does look pretty dangerous…… why would someone be covered in BLOOD if they werent dangerous?"

The Batter finally got up. "Where am I?"

"i dont knuow if i shoudl tell you that………. are you dangerous?"

"..."

THEN THE PUPPETER INTERDUPTED. "hi"

This did not seemed to placate the office workers. "um"

"Batter lets skedatter." THEY MADE the Bubbet run thr fuck awayuch to the Confucius of those shit guys.

The batter rebattered his bearings. "Okay. Why did we do that?"

"Becuz i NEEEED to talk to you . in private."

"...brivate? But they already shouldn't be able to hear you."

"well yeagh but they do any ways." The puppeteer got all seriousys. "you. have GOT to ask those guys. if they play baseball. Ok?"

It was like a FIRE of strength and determinermination lit up in the very coreof the baetters Soul and it shonen his eyes. "Got it." He walked back accidentally stomping so intimately. *intimidatingly

The guys looked back at him. "o-oh youre back.."

"Yes. Do you 
know how 
to
play
baseball.?"

The worlds most awkwarest silence EVER. It could almost be like a comedic beat exceapt for the the fact you WERENT laffing. and then… "um… basedball? …b-based on what?"

Batter shook his head so impatiently that it made the guys flinch. "'Based' on ball ." He pulled out his bat and stood it on the ground with a thwomp. [OURGH]

Unfortunately the guys were SCAREDED "what is that strange rod..!?!" "its covered in blood.." "it looks like it could hurt someone!"

"NONONO WE R TOTES SAFE YUO GUYSY IT'S USED FOR TO

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

TOO BAD THIS ONLY MADE THE MEN MORE SCARED LIKE a little baby fawn. "AAAHHH a disembidied voice yelling at us!!! that has Gotta be a ghost! Gee whiz!!" AND THEN THEIR HEADS EXPLODED WITH RINGS THIS TIME (so sorry ladies they arent single and ready to mingle for they are married to their own state of perpetual petrification. i guess.)

The batter shrugged his shoulders before going to Xtreme purify them. And he did! All those people were dead now. Strewth! "... I don't think the people here know what baseball is."

The pupeteer slapped a hand to their newfoundly profiundly bald head (jast like most off caharcters) in embarrassment. "i waited telve years for this.."

"What do you mean twelve?"

"erm.nevermind you didnt hear that o.o"

The batter definitely did in fact hear that and probably wasnt too happy about it but did not protest.

"weal Shounen Bat Sr. we batter explore the rest of this zone at lealst .. we kind of have to since we KILLED ZONE 1 lmao"

batter sulked but he dids it. he walked around in circles for like 5 hours until he realized the gimmick of this stupid city. By this point he was numb to the passage of time and it all slipped by him like a smooth and beautiful ocenan

finally he walked into the library. "hibrary" greeted mx puppeter

the dude at the counter looked over in horror. "no one says that." HE/THEM HEAD EXPLODED. but first he threw up.

"Eugh." Batter purificationinprogressed.

“can you be fuckeng queit im trying to listen to the walls” said a guy who was normal. (An: um i dont think he is considering someone just burnteded in front of him) ((REembmer this world is grim dark so this is noraml for a guy to see happen) um. Still scary though? WAIT SHIT I FROGOT BACKETS

Um anyway if you guys are done with that the batter purified the guy over the counter in one fell swoop. Then all the other guys in the building crowded around the batter and cheered. "Hooray! We will never have to worry about the dangers 9f LATE FEES ever again!" They werre ha0ppy.

PSA FROM THE AUTHORS: Libraries are an improatant part of society adn they provide lots of services. Librarians need your donantoins to survive. Please dont kill your local librarians no batter now big your late fee is. Plese. Please

Then all those guys heads exploded too (AN: Karma is a BIYATCH!!! X-D)(AN: WHO SAUD THAT)(AN: AN: I dident let this guy in my house)(NA: this isent a house its a. Google's document (a Home) (not a new one though))

heads

Batter Items Recieved:

• Belial's beet
• Luck ticket
• Luck ticket
• Fuck ticket (dont  ask what that does)
• Google's document
• Head

Batter: What am I supposed to do with some of these?
Puppetteer: I'll check the descrispyions for you. *checks * What the hay??? Theres nothing wrotten here!!! Its just blank space….. and also text that reads HELP ME . oh shits. am i avtually for real in a vreepypasta? There ARE ghosts
Batter: I can't read that.
puppeteer: oh

So theay moved on. Leafing the library they went to the mall and found…….

…….

…….

….

…..

……

….

….

…

.

.

.

NOTHING! Batter wanted to eat his own hat he was getting so mad. Surely there would be something in somewhere else right…. So he went to the park (skipped the pedalo just swam there.) It was actually fucking NORMAL for once. Well as normal as it could be. Except there was this one guy who stood out…………. He didnt look scareded as fuck! (he also wore his tie kinda loose different from everyone else but thats is besides the point)

(An: hey i didnt write some of thaet. Wont tell you which parts but i didnt and it wasnt the original author so color me scared silly!!!!!! Clearly im not the guy whos not scared here. do you think i go to heaven

Chapter Text

chapter 4: The Room (an: ugh this chaepter has NOTHING to do with the room by mortommy wiseauost but the other author guy was like "ERMMMM its gotta be called THE ROOM cuz its the 4th chapter like the fourth zone in the game" and its like . THATS NAWT even a good joke if you wnated to do something like thust the chapter SHOULCD be called "I had three friends" you SRUPID ANIMAL)

This guy might know baseball.
He has to know.
I thought this to myself feverishly, feeling the grasp I had on my sanity slowly slipping. After how many years it had been, I was desperate and close to just snapping and giving up on the mission… But no. I couldn't. I just couldn't. It was everything to me, now, forever, beyond that, whether it was what I even wanted or not. I didn't know anymore. But I couldn't stoop to doubting myself again. No, no, not ever. If I did, I would crumble into the nothingness, unfulfilled with no way back up and out of the murky space.

I bit the bullet. I went over and talked to the guy who seemed so different from the rest. "Aren't you scared of the park?" said the Batter.

He looked uncomfortable, sure, but surely not for the same reasons as everyone else. "Ah… Well, no, no, I wouldn't say that…" He seemed surprised that we had been so direct.

I had the Batter press further. He didn't actually seem to know what I wanted him to say though, so i stepped in. "are yuo liek scaried of SOMETHING else or are YOU YOURSELF the scary fellow."

He was scared now. "W-wait, who said that…?!"

"yuor new bestie dont even worrey about it." I smiled my trademark normal smile. He didn't see that though, so I instead vocalized my reassurance. "FRIENDLY"

He looked worse off for that. But not headexplosion worse off. Just frazzled. "... Uhh… Do you want something??? You- uh, who are- what's your name..?"

"Um. Cant say" never give your personal information to video game characters "but yuo can call me The Pupeter. Right now. any gender"

He seemed extra confused. I used my empath powers to sense that he was surprised it was possible to have multiple genders much less anything other than Office Worker. He seemed thoughtful…… but moveed on without voicing the thought. A seed has been sown (An: He eventually goes through a long journey of self discovery before deciding hes comfortable still calling himself a cisgender bhomoexual man, but with a newfound expanded knowledge of experience and a willingness to be more accepting of the parts of himself that dont quite match up with societal norms (Which is actually quite a lot but most of it is not in a gender way.) Also he now crossdresses sometimes) 

"Anyweay my buddy batty over here has GOT a question for you so LISTEN UP. why do you look so stressed right now if yuore not scared of the park."

The Batter frowned. "That's not my question."

The guy (his name elsen) seemed a little awkward about admitting it, but then sighed deeply. "I… I'm supposed to be on a date, but… I got stood up. We were going to ride the, uh-" He took a glance around the place. "...'roller coaster,' but, um… It was too scary for him, I guess. I've been waiting about an hour and I was probably just… about to head home."

"Can we be your new date" replyed yhe puppetteer

The Batter frowned. " That's not my question. "

Mr. Elsen was EXTREMELY startled by how forward we were being. (Batter: NOT WE!!!!!!!! Me: lul sorry. .w.) (AN: I THINK RHERE IS A FUCKING TROLL IN OUR MIDST THE BATTER ISNOT REAL) ((Yet))
(AN: WHO DUCKING SAID THAT) "AH- Wh- wuh!???! I- we've only just met- I-I appreciate the enthusiasm, but…!" He then took notice of the Batter again. "...And you… don't look interested at all, do you…"

"I'm not."

"Yeeeeah…"

Pupetre shruged "well wirth a shot. Anyway sucks about your date i couldve been better"Elsen didnt like thatcomnent "but anyway Anyweay my buddy batty over here has GOT a question for you so LISTEN UP. bat you do the honors."

I could hear the batter mutter "Finally," under his breath. "Do you know how to play Baseball ? "

The Elsen closed his eyes as if he was trying to remember something really hard. "Baseball… baseball… where have I heard that…?" He then had a jolt of inspiration. "Wait! Um, I know the guy who runs the amusement park, Zacharie, he sells something like that- for baseball? It… it's a sport, right?"

The Batters poor little sporty heart was fastly breaking into sad little struck out pieces.

“zacary doesnt kno how to fucking PLAY BASED BALL he’s a liar and a traitor and i hope he dies a third time in the story” sayed the pupetyr

"...And he's dead." finished the Batter.

“twice” added the puepterter because they love to have the last word on every  thing. "we killdeds him. wait maybe it WAS thrice cauese the zone got purified and he was like there"

Mr. Elsen had a face like you just told him something really horrible. Wonder why

HOWEACER before he could have a mental breakdown or watever it is men do XACHARIE suddenly WALKED IN "b- bwew- bu- uu -uenos dias muchachalachas-chachalachas-chachachaahchaaach-[unts unts unts]¹" 

The puppeteert reached their FIST INTO THE SCREEN AND SMASHED KILLED HIM "do not yoube poop at me that is for BATTER ONLUY"

another zacharey walked in and ate the old one. THE puppeteeer smashed him too. "Ew"

Finally a THIRD zacharie walked in but he was like normal. "clearly my youtube poops arent appreciated by you, dear puppeteer… ah well."

“How are you doing that.” the batbat assed

"doing what?"

“You’re just going to be cryptic and unhelpful, aren’t you.”

"as always! ^-^"

Puppfeer pointed as Elsen but again he couldnt see it because she retracted her hand from the computer screen (she could only do that once) "howre yiu doing buddy"

He seemed fine actually. He ealked over to zacharie "Hello do you sell amnestics." 

"normal or ranch flavored?" zacharied

"Either ."

"well unfortunaetlry i dint actually halv those. but if you like i could hook you up with sugar or perhaps bonk you with a bat really hard and we both pray you forget what youve seen rather than dying a tragic death" he paused. "me personally? i get raelly high and try to forget it myself. it works 34% of the time!"

"...But how,"

"well for strarters i get high"

"Um, I. Well I heard that part"

"listen my buddy . the firest thing to remnbember is that we are currenthly within the confined of a trollfic! jf yuo put your mind to it then anything is posible in this wonderful world of batters vaseball  adventure 2d. getting a real good distaction also helps"

Mr. Elsen's eyes glazed over. "ok"

"btw in case yuore wondering that all is why nobody else in the amusement park has reacted to a single thing ive said !"

“y Are you playing evil psychology tricks on him” sayed the puppeter growing one point of dark hyperdarkempathy for someone whos not a pupet or animal

"no im just being helpful" <- Unhealthy

“Can someone please tell me useful information about the sport known as baseball.” the batter pleaded

The elsen guy turned over to him so rapidly he almost fell over. "Okay, uhh, I do actually have something else I was going to say before…. " he waved his hands in a gesture that eas moreso a standin for actually acknowledging any of what just happened. "...There's a book I read about baseball once, but it was a while ago, and they've hidden away most of the real books… If you can help me find it, then- I'll- I'll tell you what you're looking for."

ghe puppeteert was a little suspicious for no reason other than to quash those traces of dark hyperdatkemlathy (felt weard) "thats a weirsd deal though… if youre not doing most of the work why shoulgd you even hide ehat we're looking for fruam us at ALL"

[SUSPENSE MUSIC FROM YOUR FAVORITE VIDEO GAME OR TV SHOW (Ace attorney) HERE] THIS WUESTION GOT HIM EVEN MORE NERVOUS LOOKING. "I… I have a good reason, I- I promise…!"

"Or maybe you are juust being a

Bitch."

"Okay, okay, you don't have to do the work looking for it then-!! You can just… hang out by the side while I try to find it, just- just… please give me something to think about other than what happened a minute ago?" He avoided the Batter's gaze. "A-and… promise you won't say anything about…" He trailed off though.

The Batter was at this point willing to accept any terms and conditions because he was so stressed about his mission. DONT BLINDLY ACCEPT ANY THING!!! THAT IS DANGEROUS
"Okay." BATTER!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I punched the screen and cried.
It broke agaein.
they left to buy a replacement and move all of their stuff of their old hard drive onto the new one because the screw keeping the old hard drive in was stripped and they didnt really want tostart from the begginning again plust they had some really important files (like this fanfic). however their old hard drive corrupted in the process because HAHA JUST KIDDING IT WAS FINE BUT CAN YOU FUVKING IMAGINE IF I PUT YOU THROYGH ALL OF THAT AGAIN. LIKE I HAD TO? IM A MERCIFUL GOD BE THANKFUL (OOC: Erm.. god complex much?) (AN: STFU YOURE NOTHING TO ME) (Woaw harsh.. but god complexes arent that bad u know!)

"Thank you so much, ah… what was your name, I only caught the, uh, Puppeteer's…"

"I'm the Batter. I'm a purifier-..." He could hear the puppeteer shushing him. He took a deep breath.

"I'm the Batter." He corrected himself.
"And I'm here to

"

¹Hotelweegee, editor. Spencer Launches a Bagel into Griffin’s Rectum. Youtube, https://youtu.be/Ff0VPGe2wA8. ((an: LOUD WARNING))

Chapter Text

chapter 5: the gimmick is over

AN: hey so weve been having a pretty bad problem with trolls hijacking our fic. If you see any trolls, kill  them on sight. also reader Januarys_evil_brother_February has pointed out that somethieng FUCKED UP hapened to the fic title. i tryed to delete the "evil" from the name but i could onluy delete the first parenthesis before i a dark force repelled me and i got so farking sacred that i had to give up. im am sorry

The new duo of the Basterd and Elvis walked through the city to the library. elsa still seemed like he was hiding something….. but WHAT???? the puppytear could sniff snorf it out though. They were suspicious of every THING and every ONE. except for little kitty kittys ^_^ on da other hand the battter trusted every thign and every  one because he was a naive gentle (not true on that one) soul ((Author’s Note: Does the batter have a soul? Discuss.))

Butt still the butter followed along with this mysterioys shady stranger. I hope he hads his bat at the rrady in case this Elsenbguy dicided to betray him and stab him in the dick… IF ELSEN EVEN WAS HIS REAL NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They reached the overly blue building and the Elsens former anxiety returned with a vengeance. "Uh, um, here we are,"

"I've been here before. Which floor should we be on?" The Batter asked.

But his guide seemed a little distracted. "...Where is the receptionist?"

"..."

"I-it's on the third floor. Somewhere." He forced the words out like he was Actually stressed out or something. I mean clearly he totally wasnt or his head wouldve exploded by now

The batter simply nodded and followed the Elsen up the stairs. The tension in the air was really thick, as if just one wrong move would end in someone dead…. Hopefully not the Batter!!!!!! Ulp!!!!!!!

They then started going through all the books one by one really slowly and painstakingly because the recrptionist was dead. A lot of those books WERE fake sure but it didnt make things any less tedious especially ehen the bayter accidentally dropped one of them on his foot and wailed like a looney tooney. "YEAAAOOOOWWWUGHHHHHH" THESE FAKE BOOKS WERE HEAVY AS BRICKS

"Oh geez, sorry-"

" Did you know this." THE PUPPETEERS PRESENCE LOOMED DOWN LIKE THE BREATH OF THE GRIM REAPER or something like that 

"Know what…!?? The books- they're heavy, but I figured he could tell when he picked them up-"

"NO you LUNATIC . I mean THATS HED DROP IT AND GET HURTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND HARMED AND LOOK SO FUCKING SAD AND AGONIZED AND CRY PAINFULLY FOR 4 . HOURS !!!!!!!!!!!!"

The Elsen shrunk back, running out of ways to express being scared that werent head asplodey. However, suddenly a VOICE CUT THROYGH THE CONFLICT!!!!!!!!

"...Hey, [REDACTED]. We need to talk." IT WAS THE BATTER! he then pointed to elsen with his bat (wasnt meant to be intimidating but it was. oops) "You can stay here and keep looking."

"....Yes, right away!!" Mr elsen guy returned to searching the books at an exponential rate of 100000000 MINUTES PER SECOND. Meanwgile the batter went up to the next floor to have a woiurd with his overzealous puppeteer.

"Why do you keep interfering in the mission?" The batters voice was cold but also spoken very genuine.

the BUBBETEER sweaterd. "huah ewhat…. wat do you mean litle butty? im just trying 2 look out for you thats is all."

"You keep… I don't know how to describe it. Every time you've talked directly to anyone but me, something's gone wrong."

THAT COULDNT BE TRUE. but im too lazy to reread all 8,000 words of this up til now to verify that. "B……..baka…!!!" This wasnt directed towards the batter it was just an expletive like 'fuck' or 'crap'. "batter. waht can i do for you to FORGIVE me … im just trying to make sure you arent leaded astray from your holy mission by SICKOS eho want to misdirect you….!!!!!!!!!!" They were having a memtal breakdown.thats NOT so anime.

"I will be fine. I can tell when someone's an adversary. And even still- if I'm wrong, I've got my bat."

The pupetteer sobbinged grossly but smilingly peacefully. "yeahjgh …… i guess i forgoted waht this was all about….. BASEBALL…………… ill never forget forgain"

The Batter nodded, content that he'd finally gotten on the same page as his Puppeteer. He was about to head back downstairs, when susdenly……..

A LITTLE KITTY KITTY CAT APPROACHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"OMG OMG BATER A LITTLE KITTY KITTY CAT" Now watch in awe as the puppetwwr forgets every single thing they learned in this conversation thanks to the presence of an itty bitty kitty baby cat.

The kitty looked at them incredulously. "(A.N. The library is… uncharacteristically vacant aside from you and the man on the lower floor. Might you be the one responsible?)"

"Ummmm .-. (wolf whistle to show im innocent)" (A.N. That is not what the wolf whistle conveys.)

The Batter took a different approach. "Who are you?"

"(A.N. That is what I'm asking you.)"

"welll id always help a little kitty kitty in neead. yuo could ask for my secocialceurity number and id would give it to yuo instently! im Puppet Tear (not legal name yet but im working on it) and this is my picturesque jumping jack the Batter "jumpintopipes" Batter." smiled the pippetear.

Batter SUDDENLY BLUSHIED REALLY HARD EMBARASSED "Please don't tell people my full name."

The kitty kitty was not kitty convinced. "(A.N. ...I highly doubt that is actually your name, but it is of no matter to me. ((AN: Did you know that matter and batter rhyme)) My impenetrable army of specters will be cast upon all of you… regardless of your own personal sins.))"

The  batter froze (AN: that Elsa joke earlier? ALSO fortnight. I am so smartawesome. Believe it. ) up upon hearing this. "You're in charge of the specters here?" He was starting to get the BATTER SHAKES again.. NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! POOR BATTEY BOO!!!!!!

"(A.N. Yes. In fact, I was just about to proceed with my vengeance against the land… Though it appears you have beaten me to the punch.)" His previously dull looking eyes suddenly flashed with a deep, permeating rage. "(A.N. I am not satisfied.)"

The batter jitteryly looked back and forth between the kitty kitty and Up "...???!"

it was tiem for the puaupeteer to step IN! "NO WAY batter remebemr we are trying to NOT kill moar people then we already have and i am NOT. HURTING. A LITTLE KITTY KITTY!!!!!!!! option of da coward time"

The Batter sighed and lowered the baseball bat that his arms had mysteriously raised to a pre-striking position. "...Okay, did you hear any of that… 'little… kitty kitty?' "

The cat twitched. "(A.N. Japhet. My name is Japhet, I am the guardian of this zone.)"

THAT WAS THE WRONG THING TO SAY batter reacted with almost an OOF like hearing the words put him in physical pain. He grimaced and stared at the floor. "Look. As much as I want to, so bad, I can't purify you. It's not my mission anymore. And the puppeteer likes cats." He started to walk involuntarily towards the stairs. "So if you don't mind, I have to return to my current task."

Japhet was silent at first, but then let out a bitter laugh. "(A.N. I expected better from a so-called purifier. Perhaps I haven't made my intentions clear?)" SUDDENLY THAT LITTLE KITTY KITTY STARTED FIRING AT THE BATTER WITH ATTACKS. OH SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"O FUCK BART RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN" SCREAMED THE PUPPETEER. Even though he was just playing a video game even HE WAS SCARED. why would a little KITTY KITTY DO THIS??!!??!!?? UNFORTUNATELY this question clouded th epupetsers judgement andlead them to send the batter in the COMPLETE WRONG DIRECTION

they went upwards the stairs heading to the top of the building. (the blocks that are usually there arent there any more because the receptionist waskeeping them floating there with his psychic powers and hes dead now). The batter had to DODGE BLASTS jumping like it was dongkey kong. They hit walls and bookshelves instead just fucking the library right up as the kitty GAVE CHASE!!!!!!!! 

"(A.N. You claim your mission of salvation, yet you are a mere coward like the rest!)" He paused grimly while the batter was repeatedly running into a wall due to the puppeteers poor keyboard skills. "(A.N. Still, you've already managed to destroy quite a bit of this place through sheer incompetence. This place I once believed I'd save…
The irony does not elude me.)"

"I want to give you your respite." The Batter nearly struck back, but someone, somewhere made him break his own bat by throwing it against the wall. It could've been the Puppeteer. Or maybe it was his own loyalty. "But that is not my role anymore. Face to your actions alone." The batter FINALLY got through the doorway (dreading when these numbskulls have to do the enoch race) (LOL'ing when these numbskulls have to do the   Enoch race)

They continued their ascent, higher and higher, higher still, past the two-page novels that told a story that would never play out as intended. Crashing into them and reducing them to ruin. Escaping from one's purpose.

And past the whales soaring overhead, and past the merchant mysteriously standing by the edge, and up the ladder that was meant to be the final ascent before Zone 2 followed in the footsteps of its predecessor. To disappear, by hand or by feather. A cloudy day upon a finishing blow.

(A.N. And so the firebird would die.)

And so a cat would die.

((AN: wow man you rite so cool how did you get in my document)
(A.N. I frequent literate roleplay forums, it really does hone your writing skills.)
(AN: you onley answered one question my bird)
(A.N. Ask yourself. Your Google Doc link was posted publicly to Puppit (p/todayidiscovered) and has been spreading around the internet ever since.) ((Kind of fucked that japhet became real before the batter. my dreams will never come true))
((Author’s Note: This bit is getting a little bit played out.)) ((its not a bit its reallife to me))
"Well, actually, it's a video game trollfic." chunked zacharie. He then took in his surroundings. "Ah, I'm intereupting something, aren't I?"

“GET OFF DA ROUF YOU MASKED SON OF A BETCH” SCREACMED THE PUPPETERTER"I HATES YOU”

"Okay okay ill see myself out. XD" he slowly climbed back down the ladder and rejoined his prior place by the ledge whiole the batter and japhet watched.

“bat why didnt you push him”

“You didn’t tell me to.” the Beattler sayed.

“You shuld have implicetertly known that was wat i wanted… sigh….. maybe we arent as nsync as i thught” teh puperter cried one single tear. saving the rest for later

Japhet interrupted the banter with something like a hiss- though not quite, something was off, as if it was a vocalization he didn't have the instinctive knowledge to make. "(A.N. I have already been forgotten once. Must it repeat even as I'm standing in your line of sight?)"

"quite. LOL" saied the puppeteer "anywaey please stop startrying to kill me youre a little kitty kitty and kitty kittyd cant do that and it makes me REALLY SAD" :(

"(A.N. ...Would it ease the burden on your conscience, loosen your self-restraints… if you were to see my true self?)" AND WITH THAT. A LITTLE BIRDY BIRDY POKED HIS HEAD THRUOUGH THE CAT'S MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"NONO WHAT DID YUOI DO TO THE LITTLE KITTY KITTY WHAET THE FUCK. I THOUGHT THIS GAME WAS RATED PG" (Its a nice game for cute children XD) PUPETER WAS BREIFLY TOO DISTACTED BY TEH FUCKED UP RELEVATION TO DO ANYTHING

"(A.N. Now. Dare you fight without hesitation?)"

The Batter rifled through his inventory desperately, both trying and trying not to find another bat. "You are the guardian of this zone…"

"(A.N. And so, such is fate…)"

"(A.N. For us to strike each other down.)"

"For me to strike you down."

"FOR YOU 2 SHUT THE FACK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Batter put his hands over his ears if was so loud. This has unfortunately exacerbated his Chronic Migraine (recieved it from ghouls in zone 1 and it never went away).

“Dont yell so loud. this is a larbrary” zacahrary joked. the pueppetered tried to explode him with he/she/its mind and failed. Japher couldnt hear the puppetear so was just really confused. Like a reverse dog whistle. Or cat whistle ig. Bird whistle?

I just remembered we havent mentioned Alpha for several years now. He mightve died

"THERE. HAS. GATO . TO BE ANOTHER WAY. BATTER USE NON VIOLENT RESTRAIN COMPETENCE!!!!!!!" SCREAMED THE PUPPETERR but their earlier yowling was so loud that this one just kind of became a failed yealp.

"I don't HAVE that." cried the batter his head still pounding. I think the puppetteer is like fucked up they dont respect chronic migraine sufferers D: the batter doedsnt deserve this. ((AN: it hurt my head to and im not evan in the story))

"(A.N. I refuse to coddle your… incoherence any longer.)"  THE KITTY CAT LEAPDED AT THE BATTER WITH CLAWS AT THE READY!!! AND THE BATTER WAS POWERLESS TO DO ANYTHING ONCE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but then suaddenly…….

ELSEN GUY WAS THERE!!!!!!!!!

Chapter Text

INTERMISSION: What hapebed to Alpha...

12 years ago......

the puppeterer incompetent fuckwit that they are busted their lappytop open wehn trying to get the batts attention and teh whole world glitched into stillness and darkness. it was like everything just Stopped Doing Things... like it went to a stop sign (a wicked sick reference to driving cars) and just stayed there.

Noboddy was moving. not the office workers not the batter and the puppeter was nowhere to be found. Except alpha was ok.

alpha's internal monologue: Uh Oh.. Whats Going On?

alpha went and poked the batter bat he didnt react. did not even fall when pushed. which is probaply for the better bc wouuldnt it b messed up if he fell over and shattered into one trillillilion tiny pieces and DIED FOREVER AND EVER (this almost happened to my buddy piccolo) (AN: this DID happen 2 my buddy Hydreigon) alpha didnt frown bc its a hoola hoop but he/it was really sad. She was all by her lonesome... (AN: Alpha decided offscreen to becorne multigender like the puppyteer bc alpha looks up to the puppeteeer so much. i thenk they shuold pick a better role model though)

He explored the zone 2 a lot. since no one was there to stop them they floew over all the blocks and barriers and exsplored every little corner of da zone 2. a lot of it was very boring though because no one was doing anything and alpah had not develoepd much aesthetic sensibilites so he wasnt much of a sightseer (zone 1 is very practical and thus so is alpha.) but she did go to the library and looked at a lot of books. these included:

• Encyclopedia of bugs (extinct)
• Zacharie's autobiography of cool stuff he did
• Zacharie's autobiography of cool stuff he didn't
• Prima strategy guide for Spyro: Enter the Dragonfly
• [SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER "8"]
• The late Scooby Doo’s Guide to Life
• One guys self published several novel long original fiction passion project that nobody has read bc everyone in this zone is fucking afraid of books
• The complete works of Shakespeare
• House of Leaves
• Super Dragon Ball Heroes volume 2 (other volumes missing)
• Warriors: Starktis Prophcy
• Encyclopedia of felines (not extinct)
• A zine about sexy RPF of the Zone Guardians. This is contraband so whats it doing in here
• I have run out of oxygen
• the very hungry caterpillar

Unfortunaetly Alpha cant read so all of the wisdom contained withen these tomes were lost upon its donutular mind. it thought to itself 'I Wish My Friend The Batter Was Here. I Think He Can Read.'

while he was distracted for roughly 4-5 years in teh libaby thuogh something BAD hapened. the hard dive was getting corrupted so bad. and it was going to  EATING THE VIDEO GAME BY MORTIS GHOST, WITH EVERYOBYD STILL INSIDE.

'Oh No! This is Bad' alpha said as everthing started chungling away into code and shit like da fucking matrix in here. if only zacharie was here hed know what to do. but his ass was dead right now so wtf. in a panic α decided to squeeze thruogh one of tghe programming holes and out in to the wide world of the dying computer. in there was so many malwares and mysterious pdfs that they formed theyre own civilized society.

"Is that a ring like from sonic the hedgehog" said a fake sonic game that was actually evil spyware

Alpha cant talk. she just floated there

"okay"

alpha explored the city of the computer which was less boring than frozen zone 2 but tbh he wasnt having fun here either. notheng was fun without the batter or da puppeteer :( it indiscriminately purified lots of people though whihc was legal in computer society bc malware loves to eat each other. Kind of zone 3 in here (OMG YOU SPOILED THE GAME FOR ME =/) ((Author's Note: That's not how Zone 3 works.)) (I know) ((AN: you all hate me and want me to die)) (an: hi)

alphas internal monologue 'Ive Been Exploring This City For Ever... And Yet Im Still No Closer To Saving My Best Friends. What Gives......'

"You look troubled." said a tax return pdf patting alpha on their circumference.

Alpha nodded a lot really fast.

"Whats wrongs?" the tax return asked

alpha pointed to the giant hard drive apocalyspe expading and eating the universe

the pdf stared at it for a really really long time before finaly saying "Huh. how longs that beeen there."

Alpha got really pissed off and threw W4_Complete_2024.pdf into the black hole and watched its miserable words get peeled apart. it slowed down the black hole gettig bigger! 'Woah !' it wonderd if maybe it cuold slow down the eating of the drive enuogh that eventualy the puppeteer could save the off video game and everybody cuold be reuinted.

So for da next several years Alpha slowly and meticulusly sacrificed everyone in the computer to keep the black hole from eating the off download folder. he had no remorse for these actions bc he was not born to feel remorse. but he did feel suepr awesome and helpful.

Eventualy one day some guys in teh real world tried to get into tghe hard drive. this was the chance..... the bater could surviveded. But there was no other files and Alpha was RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!! so it sacrificed itself by flying into the hard drive corruption, beating OFF teh black hole long enough to save OFF.................... it wuold have shed a tear in its final momets but it had no face. so instead it sent a psychic message to the puppeteer and the batter tht said "You two are my best friends. You shoed me how to live, how to laugh, how to love. I hope if i am reborn it shall be as a man rather than a circle so that we may truly converse as equals some day."

Alpha did 4get to include any useful context or tghe fact she was alpha speeking in the psychic message thuo so it just came off as a bizare non-sequitur that was immediately discarded. But dont worry, because all addons go to heaven when they die. 

And thats why alpha isnt in the fic anymore

Chapter Text

chapter 6: please stop posting our gdoc on ytmnd
AN: please stop posting our gdoc in ubuntu package repositories

The everyone was SHOCKED to see not only Elsen but also ZACHARIE that guy we all hate for like NO REASON!!!!! Elsen grabbed the little kitty kitty and was trying to hold him in place while zacharie helped maneuver him into a cat carrier. It wasnt going too well lol "OW. OW. OW" he was getting soscratched. AMD THERE WAS BLOOD EVERYWHERE LIKE A CREEPYPASTA (A.N. Oh come on it was not that much.)

"WOAU WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING!???!??!!??!!??" the puppeteer.

 The batter didnt know what else to do so he also helped get the kitty in the cage. They successfully succeeded and latched the cage.

"@nother jorb well done!"

Japher was spitting and growling and scratching the bars and making that one miaouw where you cant tell if a cat is just playing or if theyre liek super ill (spitting bars). it was probably the latter but im not a cat therapist or anything. (also the bird head went back in the cats mouth because imagining that stiecking out the hwole time would be real GROSS!!!!) "(A.N. What do you wretches think you're doing!?! Is it not enough to destroy my library, shun me with your pathetic escape attempts- must you see fit to humiliate me, too!?)"

"not reallaly the intention but sure" the puppeteer responded. "anyway it is FUCKED UP to parasitize little kitty kittys especially becuase you are a Bird and theay are not known for doing that."

"welll not neccesarily" chimed in zacharie (bird expert?) “convergent evolution with toxoplasma gondii”

"(A.N. You are a poor liar. That or the world's most gullible man.)"

"bird extpert! oar at least one of the backup zacharies (zachups) were”

"(A.N. …Insanity it is.)"

"WELL DO YOU THINK ABOUT HOW YOUR ACTIONS HURT THE LITTLE KITTY KITTY? HUH? HUH?' If the puppeteer was physically present he wouldve been shining a flashlight into the kitty kitty cage all interrogationly. "you. are a SICK FUCK. and i sware on my LIFE that i will find a way to rescue that poor little baby kitty kitty from your SICK FUCKness!!!"

"(A.N. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the cat is almost certainly dead. He couldn't possibly survive being parasitized like this, and surely the malnutrition would-)"

"I. DONUT. CARE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  jf yuo put your mind to it then anything is posible in this wonderful world of batters vaseball  adventure 4d!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  jf yuo put your mind to it then anything is posible. EVEN in this wonderful world of batters vaseball  adventure 2.5d.

Japhet then halted his struggle cuz he just noticed something fairly pressing. "(A.N. Hold that thought. Who's talking right now?)"

Elsen looked around awkwardly. "Um… that's the horrible disembodied voice that's been- …I mean . uh . adjective other than horrible. send help"

 The batter was confused at japhet. "You couldn't hear them before?"

"(A.N. …I assume they would be that so-called 'puppeteer' you spoke of earlier. May I address them personally?)"

"wael i am right here. nock yuorself out"

"(A.N. Very well. Get a life)"

"ou"

Chapter Text

chapter 7:

Chapter Text

chapter 8: because ate seven nine. wait thats not how that goes
(UGH Thats such a STOOPID chapter name. I disapproves. T_T Here's a better one no need to thank me)
chapter 8: YOU BETTER GET READY TO RUN CUZ HERE WE COME YOU BETTER GET READY TO DIE (GET READY TO- *CARTOONY THWACK* -UAUAUAUUAUAUOOGH
-AN: THAT TITLE WAS TOO FUCKING LONG YOU CUNT

((Author’s Note: ^ Hypocrisy much?))

everyone waited there for a hundred years. jk lol

"now what" shouted zacharie from the lower baclony. unfortuatenyl he didnt do a very good job as the pueprterr had to use their special one-sided telepathy powers to actually hear him.

"STFU" puppeteer reaplied. "anyway. i. am going to find a LICENSED PROFESSIONAL to cure this poor poor kitty cat. AND BEFORE YOU MAKE SOME QUIP ABOHUT how i mighte as well hire a NECROMANCER. i got that COVERED TO. or i will anyway"

japhet rolled his eyes… tho it wasnt his eyes because he STOLE THEM FROM THE LITTLE KITTY KITTY. WHICH IS FUCKED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "(A.N. And just how do you plan to do that?)" he was probably biting back some STUPID JERK QUIP about how the puppeter had barely even gotten ANYTHING done and was so bad at everything all the time and couldnt do anything right and was really pathetic but not like in the endearing way like the batter (not that jaepret was endeared by the batter cuite honeslty he thought the batter looked stupid with his little silly baseball cap and baseball bat when he didnt even know how to play baseball) but AT LEAST the batter was better at doing anything thaen the pupeteer cuz it was clear he REALLY was about to thwack that birdcat on the head if he wasnt being forced not to. Oh no! the puppeteer was gonna ground him for sure ! Poor batter..

the puppeteer thiguth for a moment. "well we are already on a big mission to help the batter earln to blaseball. baseball. so liek it wouldnt be taht hard to aslop look for practicing veterinarians or doctors. theres God a be a lot of those guys around."

jafet laffet. "(A.N. In Zone 2? Hah, don't fool yourself. It's already a miracle that someone was bold enough to pick up a cat.)"

Elsen idly twiddled his thiumbs. "no comment"

The pauerpeter swomped his foot angrily. So hard that even video game characters could hear it. "OK then wat EVER! if thers nobody in zone 2 who can do it then i guess ill… idk. ill go to zone 3"

It actually looked like ajphet had something else he wanted ot say but for once he keapt his mouth shut. instead electing to be a very angry loaf in his cage. however japeth wasnt the ONLY unhampy camper! the batter tapped his foot impatiaently and while it wasnt as LOUD as th epuppeteers angry thumping they could still feel hte sheer weight of his suffering. "What about our previous mission."

"UM FOREGATO IT it can wait?"

the bateter. frounded. REALLY HARD at this. like he was oging to THROW. UP. "You can't be serious."

"BUT THE LITTLE KITTY KITTY"

"Six. Years."

"Well ACHUALLY its been 18 years you just were in a coma for a lot of them"

The baetter didnt like that.

But then someione interrupted….. Elsen-chan!!!!! "actually, you might be able to complete your first mission sooner than you think, because….. i fiound the book!" He said proudly.

"Okay. Can I have it?" batter questioned

"... uhmmm. yes its. uh. on the lower level" elsen unsure'd.

The puaoetter had da batter pick up the cat carrier to take it with him. Tw schroedingers zacharie "can i take the little kitty kitty along? jk idc whaut you think i totally will"

"well actually id prefer if you didnt. do that" he looked at ja0hry SO scared(?) …did he even know japhet WASNT a cat!!?!?!?!??????? who knows  . What a mysteriourus fellow this dude is! "for. reasons,"

"WHYS IS THAT HUH " EARTHQUAKED THE PUPPETEER CAUSING A HUGE EARTHQUAKE. ONLY IN REAL LIFE THOUGH

(AN: THERE WAS A JAPHET LINE HERE. its gone now. i  thenk i acidentally deleted it) (A.N. Good going. /That was sarcasm)

elsey was choesing his words very carefully. "do you only stock books you personally like"

"(A.N. No?)"

"yeah exactly
….W-W-WAIT YOURE . YOURE HTE GUARDIAN..?????"

"(A.N. Have you been reading the same fanfic? Scroll up.)"

zacharie zacharies on over uncalled for. "tough luck- he does not know a SHIT what youre talking about"

he raised a finger "actually you said this was a story so i uh. i kind of know but im.. well livuing it not reading it"

"i am experiencing time non linearly everyone!" A giant hand reached from the sky (i lied the puppeteer coild do that twice) and flicked zacharie OFF the building where he ragdolled out into the sea never to be sea-n again (he'll be back

the batter sighed. "So are we going to see the book or not. "

"kitty has to be there" puppeteer reminded

"(A.N.  I am Japhet . Guardian. Bird.)" japhet reminded

"I am on a mission ." batter reminded

"lolcall are we doing a rolecall? im zachary yuor local yaoi famous rpg sales man" zacharie jumped REALLY FAR but fell right back down into the plastic. bummer

THE PRESSURE WAS BUILDING…. PERHAPS A LITTLE TOO MUCH!!!! the elsen was looking REALLY stuck between a rock and a hard place… AND HE LOOKED ALL STREASSED OUT like his head was gonna EXPLODE AND DIE "hhhh…g. i am so sorry i CAN'T do this" AND HE SUDDENLY MADE A BREAK FOR IT

The PUPPETEER. WAS  . MAD. "OH NOUE YOU FUCKING DON'UT YOU LITTLE
S
H
I
T"

AND MADE THE BATTER GIVE CHASE (WHICH HE SEEMED A LITTLE TOO EXCITED TO DO AT THIS POINT) the poor kity was being shaken around in his cage but also he was a bird right now so oh well. both the batter and the elsen were running so fast that they nearly were trilping DOWN THE stairs.

"OH GOD OH JEEZ OH F-" THEN the elsen INDEED tripped down the stairs and rolled liek it was a cartoon. he was also looking a bit zalgo-y but not head explorded just yet. he tried to stagger back up to his feet but then suddenly felt THE BATTERS baseball bat pressing down on his back so he could not. "...uh oh"

THE PUPPETEER SCREAMED SO LOUD EVERYONE WHO WASNT DEAD COULD HEAR "I KNEW YUO WERE A BITITCH AND AN LIAR AND A FRAUD YOU MOTHERFUCKER nobody should EVER NOT BE SCARED ." (A.N. … ) "OF ME"

"i PROMISE you i am EXTREMELY scared right now" elsen hissed through his teeth, trying not to Farkin' Lose It:™.:

tje batter had a dark look in his eyes. "You're not in any condition to play keep-away." 

the elsen was feeling kinda 😬 "...i Know"

"I can't purify you before you're hostile.
But,"

everything remained deathly still. but,
"the moment" the batter did not realize "you lose your head…" whiel he was talking…

"Weigh your options. Because I am here to
Play

Ball –"

SUDDENLY the batter felt HIS FEET GET KICKED AWAY!!!!! He was too caught off guard to prevent himself from toppling forwards. he collapsed in a heap onto the elsen, who'd been mid-rolling away……. they were face 2 face. AWKWERDDDDD .-.

"....hi" elsen chuckled nervously.

the batter just stared him in the eye with the intensity of 10000000 suns. also maybe snaerled like a dog idk. point is it whas scary as fuck. the elsen briefly took the time to wipe some of the creepypasta black oose from his face. HE THEN JUST STRAIGHT UP ELBOWED THE BATTER IN THE SNOUT (lack thereof?)!!

the batter recoiled even if it wasnt a particularlarly strong hit. wincing, he reached for his bat, but then heard the puppeteers voice. "TheBatter! There is a time and place for everything! But not now. aslo you dropped the cat carrier on the steps earlier"

groaning angrily, he shouted back "When is it time?" he barely paid mind to the elsen dragging himself out from under him.

"yuo saeid it yourself you cant hurty till hes burnty. remember"

"He's an active hindrance to our MISSION!!" elsem dude was already making his way down the next flight. also the latch on the cat carrier got jostled open unbeknownst to anyone so that was just another thing to deal with later

"you will wait til he 2 NaHCO3(s) → Na2CO3(s) + H2O(g) + CO2(g) / C12H22O11(s) + 12 O2(g) → 12 CO2(g) + 11 H2O(g) / C2H5OH(l) + 3 O2(g) → 2 CO2(g) + 3 H2O(g) / C12H22O11(s) → 12 C(s) + 11 H2O(g) from stress and you will pick up that cat carier or you are GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED FOR 2826826346468225683856642462848262864286438642486 years young man."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAGHH!!!" HE JURST DID NOTS CARE ANY MORE. he just IGNORED his puppeteer and bolted after the Adversary Adversary Adversary Adversary Adversary Adversary Adversary Adversary Adversary Adversay Adversaryt he batter was most definitely undergorging mental insanity. ADVERSARY ADVERSARY ADVERSARY ADVERSARY ADVERSARY

The elsen had been digging through a pile of loosely strewn books, and had JUST sucessfully found the important one in question. he had it clutched close to his chest, about to make a run for it. of course that was before THE BATTER SLAMMED INTO the bookcase. at full speed, crashing it to the greound and with it a bunch of fake books wnent flying and several of them hit the elasen. "AGH" 

the BASEBALL book was dropped in the chaos!!!!! and the batter like. Laser focused onit and basically pounced on it like a little.kitty kitty cat lul. speaking of little kitty kitty cats, japheyt caught up with them at the same time looking VERERY shocked. "(A.N.  my bookshelf D:)"

the elsen, knocked down by all the fake books and also having his leg caught under the bookshelf, couldnt do anything to stop the batter anymore. "...nnnnNO PLEASE DON'T LOOK AT- that ," resigned to his fate, he just ducked down and hid his face amongst the fake books.

"fianally… lets see what this scoundrel was REALLY hiding .." cheered the puppetcheer. clearly japhet was also curious as he clambered up onto the batters shoulder. claws out. (he was only barely acknowledged with some extremely deadpan 'ow's) the batter lifted the book up to eye level with a look of stoic victory.

he then read the cover. "..."

japhet ALSO read the cover. "(A.N.  … I… have… no recollection of this one.)"

"wait what's it say" (the puppeteer couldnt see inside the video game.)

from the hesitation it seemed the batter really wasnt Super stoked to read this one out loud. ".....'Strung Up, Ring Out: An R-18 Ballxxxer Fanbook.' "

"    yaoi doujin ?"

the elsen by this point was holding his head in his hands in addition to the comfortable fort of books already shielding him from facing the facts. "i can explain i can explain i can explain-" he then paused. "i CANT explain" 

unphased, the batter walked over to the great big disaster pile. "That's it?"

he titled up to look at the batter, face flushed with embarassment. "i get it you dont have to rub it in…"

"No, I mean. This is what you were trying to hide? I thought it would be something more dire."

"...ah???!"

"I don't care what you do with your free time.
…Panic in Ballville isn't very good, though."

the elsen didnt know ehat to do with that answer. "um .       okay!?" he apparently could not withstand the urge to further justify himself unprompted "i mean im not much of a comics person myself, there just isnt…. a lot of……. op...tio iiiiiiiii shuold shut up now ." one could practically hear the crickets chirping afterwards. "you.. at least understand why i had second thoughts right"

the batter shrugged. "I guess."

"(A.N. Why did you offer to show the book in the first place if you knew what it was?)" jafet who was still on batters shoulder chimed in.

"well for starters my life was flashing before my eyes" elsen blinked. "still is actually"

"(A.N. Fair enough.)"

Meanwhile the batter was flipping through the fanbook to see if there was anything useful in it (surely to the elses'n dismay considering he was just reading it right then and there in front of everyone.) there was a grotesque silence only interrupted by sounds of page flipping. before finally the batter slammed it shut and lowered his hat to cover his eyes. 

"...They only play baseball for three panels."

Last time on Batters Baseball adventure.
"...They only play baseball for three panels."

The puppeteer was so worried that the batter would SNAP AND BECOME FUCKED. UP!!!!!!! But the batter just took a deep breath. THEN HE TORE A PAGE OUT OF THE BOOK. then he just handed the rest back over to the elsen. "I don't need this anymore."

the elsebs thoughts must have mirrored the puppeteers because he was acting extremely on edge (NOT IN THAT WAY!!!!!! then again we dont know what he(AN: GIVE THE MAN SOME PRIEVACY JESUS FIRCKING CHRIS!!!!)) and rambley "haha hey i knew a guywho used to do that. tear out the pages i mean. it was kind of strange, i think he scammed me?? . Oh hes dead now huh." And the batter was just like. Randomly staring at him while he went on about this. "...could you please get this bookshelf off me i thignk my legs borken. um. If you dont mind.    please"

"Okay." The batter used his MUSCULAR WRIST to lift up the bookshelf so easy. he also put some of the books back on the shelf but did not pay attention even a little bit to how they were supposed to be organized. 

THIS MADE JAPHET SO MAD that he (bird) SWOOPED rigth outta that cat and onto the shelf to try reorganizing things (with his tiny tiny little wings lol). "(A.N. By the Queen's thousand faces what is WRONG with you?????? You understand how much of a pain it is for me to sort these?? In THIS form?!? Which, might I add, is MANDATORY, so as my own citizens don't perish from the sight of me!)" It was almost sad actually cuz he was just a little baby birdy bird and he was struggling to push around books bigger than himself.

BUT THEN the puppetser remembered their CURRENT mission "OH SHIT BATTER GRAB HIM" But unfortuantely because they said that japhet sped right back into the cats mouth like a reverse effect in a ytp. however puppeteer wasnt too upset. "Smiles deviously….. we know your weakness now, JAFAR."

"(A.N. Dare I even correct you?)"

"
no."

"(A.N. Ugh.)"

Batter was proccessin every thing at like 256x speed so he barely even registered that. Instead he went over and reached out a hand and pulled the elsen up onto his feet.

"ah… uh… thanks,!"

The batter was about to speak but the puppeteer interrupted him with its onesided telepathy. [batteur! Remeber what we say in situations like this!] The babber clesred his throat. " 'No prob', Bob.' "

"its Elsen though"

"...I know." With that, the batter looked up to the sky for guidance. "What do we do now? The zone's guardian is loose again."

thuough while his concerns were pobably valid, jahert actually seemed distracted from his original plan of. idk. killing every1 in zone 2 i guess?. "(A.N. I will admit, 'human.' You and your… posse, so to speak, have caught my interest. Not my respect, mind you, but nonetheless.)"

"woahw! is that a good thing" the puppeteer said smieling.

" (A.N. No.) "

":("

kittyjaphet layed down and tucked his paws under himself. "(A.N. That being said… consider my curiosity piqued. If the purifier so wishes to end this non-purificatorily, then I might as well see how this plays out. Besides, you've made quite the mess for me to clean up here.)" He hacked up one of those weird card thingsmajigs. ew "(A.N. This card grants access to zone 3. Do not make my decision a mistake. And… if at the bend of a corridor, you happen to see a certain Director… send him my regards.)"

"w8 so youre saying we can do whateever we want forever now? YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY"

japhets eyes became harsh. "(A.N. Do not mislead yourself, Puppeteer. I still believe wholeheartedly that you will not succeed. The day we come to an understanding is the day we come to blows.)"

the buowrqeet (man i tried) rolled their eyes. "Oh i sees. you just want to laff at us then IS THAT IT"

"(A.N. I'd say I'm rather trying to prove a point, but if the clown shoe fits.)"

"GOD DAMN YOU JAPHET!!!!!!!!2!!!!" THE PUPPETEER POUNDED THE GROUND WITH THEIR FISTS SO ANGILY IT LEFT CRATERS "ok done. ill show you BITCH. come on bater lets GO."

"Okay." Said the batter after what for him felt like a trillion years of internal debate. I devloped dark hyperempathy too i know what a batter feels like now (<- Liar)

There was one loose end that hadnt been tied yet though.. Elsen!!! He was standing so he wasn't hurt that bad obviously. Zacharie climbed down from nowhere and slid him a luck ticket for no good reason. "on the house 4 u buddy." before he even got a reply he went on "-SURPRISE you owe me 1010192822973643837374 credaits now! …jk :P (most froglike emoticon i could think of)"

"..ok " then elsenb ATE the luck ticket like some kind of freak. japher gave him a weird look but i guess evwryone else in the room Also thought eating the luck tickets was normal so they didnt see anything wronf with it. Disgasting "i… think im gonna stay back here and. maybe help clean up the library. assuming i have a choice"

"NO CHOISES. WE ARE KIDNAPPING YOU" loled.the puppeteer. "JK i can jokes too. i didnt say any of that."

".glad for the clarification" he turned to the batter "i dont know who i should be apologizing to right now or if im even the one who should be apologizing, but. im sorry abiout all this.. i promise its not always liek this"

The Badger was already halfway out the door. "...And the usual was much better?"

"...well. no maybe not . but as ive learned today apparently it can always get worse"

"So it seems."

the upeteer finally said "well yuo keep an eye on japheyt for me then oki buddy? sorry for accusiong you of being a TRAITOR lol i get shys. okey bye bye sexual elsen ^_^"

"Hey what" however sexual elsen's question would go unheard as the pupeetwer and their puppet (and also zacharie was probably following. that slimeh bastard) headed off to DA CUBE with their  gross card to enter ZONE 3 ….. what would await thejm? I dont know (I DO =D) (AN: You dont PLEAUSE DIE)

-

some time later, elsen (default name) was hard AT WORK CLEANING UP the wrecked library. some people from the rest of the zone had finally tried entering the library however they were too scared of all the disarray and where just kind of waiting outside. well at least not EVERYONE burnt and died???

elsen still wasnt feeling Great though after all that transpired. and even though he wasnt AS scared as the other residents in the zone he still wasnt too keen on having extended conversations with japhet. so for the most part they did their cleaning separate from each other as much as they could manage.

eventually though, japhet did speak. "(A.N. You're a curious person, you know.)"

"..eh?" he then mentally grimaced hoping this wasnt about to be about the .. book.

thank his lucky stars, it wasnt. "(A.N. Tell me, how did you bring yourself to strike back against the Batter?)"

oh yeah he did do that huh. "uhhh… well… they said he couldnt attack me until i was burnt. so if i kept my head long enough, then… i had to believe i would be safe." he glanced sidewards at nothing. "...now that im saying it out loud… thats kind of a dirty move isnt it" (NOT DIRTY IN THAT WAY Y

"(A.N. For crying out loud, it was self defense. Must you all constantly invent things to whine about?)" he abruptly snarled back in frustration. however, the fur on his back then flattened. "(A.N. Still… I'm surprised. You've taken more risks than I expected from anyone here; disregarding the puppeteer and their pawn. I'm more than well aware of the sorry state of the inhabitants. You should be no exception.)" japhet climbed up the bookshelf the elsen was currently sorting, to reach eye level. "(A.N. Why are you any different? …Generally speaking.)"

selsen (short for sexual elsen) shrugged after some deliberation. "idk"

 "(A.N. That's all you have to say?)"

"im sorry, i really dont have a better answer. i was hoping you'd know why everyone else is always so afraid…" he rested a hand on one of the fake books. "i guess its just how things are"

japhet sat for a really long time in silence. he averted eye contact despite having been its initiator. 

(A.N. …So it seems.

"I suppose some things will always be as they're meant to.")

"... was it meant to be like this?"

(No. No. No. No.) japhet did not reply, and the elsen did not push for one. and it was better like that.

the two just continued organizing books that would never be read. (And perhaps if one strained their ears, they could hear the walls weep.)

it was supposed to be quiet in a library, but the silence only bore down on them. it couldnt be left like that, to ruminate.

one last time, japhet interrupted the blank space in their dialogue. "(A.N. Oh, you forgot something.)"

"...?"

he dragged over a very specific book "(A.N. You can keep it.)"

elsen took a moment to process that. "AUEUGEGH ]DONT BRIGN THAT BACK UP" he immediately shoveding his face into the bookshelf

Chapter Text

chapter 9:
(A.N. Are you kidding me. You can NOT just make the chapter title an image. That's it, I'm out.) (GOOD becaz this is MY CHAPTAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) (AN: this isnt even your fanfiction)

The Batter found himself once more himself once more, at the crease, in an almost comforting, churning absence. crowded in amongst the ants whispering, undefined, The unknown enveloped his -ences. The Nothingness. Going the paces he hit third base (sprang dull once,) to "spores" or "flowers". He was transported to DA BEST ZONE!

He stood on a dull orange pathway. Before him was a giant, sprawling factory, an outpouring of sickness in billowing clouds. He was a dull orange pathway. Before sent off smoke of a billowing factory in front of him left plumes of smoke. An outpouring of him was stood on a dull orange road. A large road. A large factory. A large city. (= A violent action or series of performance. noise; Job description / condemnation / we think and for all the days and feel productive  "So this is zone 3... looks like ASS" the batter commented REALLY stupidy. With your help we can explode him die!

(AUTHORS fucking NOTE, to the person writing thsi chapter (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.) FUCKING STOP. yuo are NOT good at is. jesus CHRIST)

The batter didnt say that shit. "So, this is Zone 3…" (i don't remember do we capitalize ZOne?) (OOC: If you want to) (AN: thaut wasnt your text color)  OOC: (I don't care man.) (YPIU DIDNT EVEN PUTT THE OOC IN YOUR FUCKING BRACKETS YOU TOOL)((AN: That’s a horrible text color. I hate you.)) (OOC: I hate you more) (Me: Erm… (sits here having a WAY better reason to hate you guys)(your writing fucking sucked Green) (But thats the kind of chapter im into)
(AN: If one more person rears their ugly fucking head i am deleting the document.)
(AN: hi guys whats been happening in my fanfic while i was gone)(AN AN: Never mind. what did you do to my fanfic)
(I was making it better and everyone hates me for it. =/)
(AN: I havent even wriwttend like msot fo this fick what did you do to my fanfic. thousands of words and mosty of them arent mine Eveyrbydoy. japeft come back you write good)(A.N. No.)(AN AN AN: i shuld cancel the fic)(*mental breakdown*)

("Will you please let me continue my mission.")

(AN: OH SHIT)((I warned you people and you didn’t listen.))(O HAI batter  See you soon!)
(AN: man im gonna wake throw up and the entire off cast is goignt o be in my room and illdie that day. I will die. healp)(I hate you whoever edited my note)

("...None of you are my puppeteer. Who are you?")
(AN: your puppetery is still a fictional character…… i hopes o.o; dgey were suppsoed to be my self insert but hten i didnt like her)
("What does that mean for my mission, then?")
(AN: idk…. i feel liek ive lsot custody over my own story. IM SORRIEZ BATTER ;-; ill write teh next scene so you can get back to real shit instaed of our bickering. im goanna be sick all u people amde this abuot YOUR OWN EGO instead of THE BATTER LEARNGING TO )

The Batter, shaking off a weirdass mometn of everything foldging in on itself liek a pretzel for a hot mineut there, approached a biiiig factory with smoke and stuff. he alredy saw that i wont descrieby it again. (YOU didnt describe it. -.-)

“thsi desnt look like a place wehre baseball or giveng cats medical caare happens bat im gonna be real with u” the pupeter said penisvely. “but looks can b deceeving…(WHEN KOOPAS ARE INVOLVED) i guess. sorry if i seem a lidtle out of it rite now ive had a rough past couple paragraphs ”(OOC: Its more intriguing this way) “and people are tryig to put WORDS in my mouth all da tiem. u ever felt that way batboy”

The batter thought as long as his batty little head could brain. "...Perhaps a little. No."

((Yellow who ever da fuck you are go away. yuro hurting him) (OOC: I didnt do that one butyou wont believe me. Because I'm a Sick Fuck. its orange btw)

“actualy hey bat i jast got a new mission for u. like. beamed 2 me from a higher power all of da sudden.” the peupeter said. “we have to find and kill as many other authors as possible so dey shut da fux up. THEN we can get back to real shit . thgat cool with u” (AN: i made teh pueppter ask permission 2 change mission bc batter needddds to be cut a brake btw. im getting so sad watching this)(OOC: I'll cut YOUR brakes)

"I can't do that. I'm in a video game."

TEHN ZACHARIE DESCENDED DOWN FROM THE HEAVESN wearing some kind of weiard sicko fucking cat mask that looked fucking fugly . and creepy. and weird. (AN: btw um og author i have a question do you like. for real haet zacharie. wait i was the one who did thatt) (AN: i havent wroted a single word of zachary hate. or about zacharei at all. dude)(AN: ..oh jeez………… do I HATE ACHARIE???!?!??!! im gonna be afk guys you keep writing the fic i need to do some self reflectiosn. pieass out)

zacharie gets to the point and says his dialogue PLEASE “Greetings Batteroo! It is i your faithful feline friend the Judge here to guide you on your awesomesauceome quest right nyaow!"

"Which one? Also stop that."

"stop whaet?"

" 'Miaou.' "

"but imm teh judge .cats meow. its kind of their thing batter. im starting to think you hate cats.. that wont do., what will your puppeteer thingk-"

"Zacharie."

"yea?"

"..."

"FUCK"

The puppetereer was watcheing in solemn silence. “pretending to be a cat is waht is known as a furry. yuve gained +2 respact points frum me, but you are on THIN. FUCKING. ICE.” then they remebered wat they were gonna say b5 zacary interruption.

BATTER QUOTE: "I can't do that. I'm in a video game." ~ Batter said this a few lines ago in reference to killing authors, in case you forgot. It’s okay. I lose track of what’s happening too

“ANY WAY. its ok taht ur in a video gaem.. bc…. SO WAUZ DA LITTLE BIRDY BIRDY. wich means.. maybe. some of he other authros are in the video game too. We just have 2 look…” the puperter finished. “if not well fuck god dam it shit i guess but mabe we will find them on da way to….. Um what were we doing in zone 3 again. liek i rember the mission but wats zone 3 have to do with it”

"We were going to find someone who could…" He paused. "Can I do that too? The quotation."

“the wat” (AN: Bat i give u permisin ok. we are getting this shit back on track i sware it)

PUPPETEER QUOTE: " well we are already on a big mission to help the batter earln to blaseball. baseball. so liek it wouldnt be taht hard to alsop look for practicing veterinarians or doctors. theres god a be a lot of those guys around. " ~ In chapter 8, I think. I'm not sure that's the actual chapter number since the others are so messed up. I'm also not sure how to keep the font formatting when I paste it.

“wow i said that? ok (short term memory)” the pputer took a deep braeth and played soome dope hyped music (insert your own preference of dope hyped music iin the comments section readers!)(OOC: Is that a challenge?) (My hype music!) (AN: my hyep music is.. WAIT shit im surpiosed to be doing self reflection. my self reflection music is this) (AN: i said. in da coments. this is for the readers. ugh) and got ready to rumble. “zone threes veternaterians wont know wat hit them. wate tha suonds like we are here to kill instead of enlist help. Fuck. well lets go”

"Do I have permission to fight back if specters attack?"

the peuepteer thoguht sadly "...well weere still fired from Purify The WOrld…. i am sorry. restreaein yourself a little longer okay"

"You are not the one I was asking."

"eh nani?"

(AN: ummmm bat i thinek maybe ur making me interfere a liddle toooo much in the story o.o but ummm okeydokei im gonna try to make yruor life a little easier)

SUDDENLY the puppeteeer said “ACTUALLY i change my mind self defense is allowed. Okay. dont ask why i cahnged my mind. weird huh”

"Okay."

(You probably shouldn't do that.)

the zacharie looked a litel peculiar at all this but didnt comment. "welll sicne youev got that all figured out hows about we go and exploar what this mysterusiou zone has to offer!"

"Yes, let's." and so thea two went on their very merry wa0y!! it was almoust even…….. YAOI!!?!?>!!>?!!!?
("It wasn't.") <- homophobe. he'll get it some day. (AN: STOP BEING MEAN TO THE BATTER WHAT IF HE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO KISS ZACHARIE) <- arent you trying to change your sickening attitude towards zacharie? arent you trying to practice kindness? (AN: FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) (AN: it is not vary nice to make someboddy kiss someone they dont want to)
("The 'puppeteer' tried to make me do that earlier.") (uh oh i missed that. how much hapened while i wasnt looking (I dont backread))
("It has been 18 years.") (ou)

sacharie lead the batter (who seemed to keep getting weridly distracted. maybe dissocaiteing) through the stamp puzzle so we dont have to spend another thirty tshousand years on it. they didnt even say HI to the guy watching the plastc so you KNOW things were getting sersoius right now. they headed to the first dorm room (da one on the left) and the batter ran up to the first guy they saw. "Do you write fiction, are a practicing veterinarian, or know how to play baseball?" he was speaking very fast and loud because he wanted to geat this over with as fast as possible.

the elsen stared at him confsed and maybe a little concerned. ".....are you running a survey?"

"Will that make you answer?"

"...no. please go away" he also more intently tried to hide his bunk bed from view for some reason. Jee whats he got in there. Penis Implements? (AN: that's probably the previous guy. you know the guy back at the library wihte jarphet right now) 
("Reminder that I can hear every comment you make now.) (AN: AUUGRHCH I thaught that was In my Brane!)

zacarhei stepped forawrd "now now, bestie, hows about i go ahead and try some of my signature Zachplomacy?"

however the bater was NOT feeling very patient right now. so instead he VERY SCAREILY grabbed the other guys tie. not hard enough to atually do anything but still enough for the intimidation factor to be OVER 9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "I don't have time for this. Answer the questions."

"n… no!" the elsen shouted suddenly shoving the batter batwards. "i dont DO swagbucks anymore!!! stop sending your people and your emails-!! " AND HIS HEAD EXPLODEDY!!!!!!!!! except this time his HANDS also explodesdy which was pretty wild you shouldev been there for it

“and that is why ou let  the zacharie handle the chatarie”

“That was awful” the puppeterer snarled like a hound

zacharaie snickaried. “not evary joke is a winner”

"well this one waus a Loser."

MEANWHILE THE BATTER WASN-GAGED IN X-TREME HYPERVIOLENCE COMABT and also he was FUCKING LOSING be cause he hasnt been in like a Real battle since the postal service in zone one. he died really fast.

𝅘𝅥𝅮  Stayy in your Coma….. Stay in your Comma… 𝅘𝅥𝅮 

((AN: oh god bater im so sory is this my fualt)) (<- Batter is dead there fore cannot answer.)(THEN RELOAD THE SAVE YOU DUM-DUM. ._.)

the puepterererererear noticed the game is over screen. “Huh. howd that happen” they restarted their whole computer bc it must have ben a glitch. “Ok batttttter are you alives again?”

"I think so." they were back at the beginnng of zone 3 because there wasnt a save block any later at that point. sad. well we're going to skip past retreading territory because im nice like that and i want to get to the AWESOME PARTS. they reached the confrontation with the bunk bed guy again.

zacaehri nudged the batter with his elbow. "think my proposal looks any more appealing now, batter?"

the batter sighed and let the zacharie take the lead.

"hi. im a merchant. i havae sugar. want some for free"

that muastev been the magic words as the guys eyes lit up (because previously they were dull like when an anime girl is experiencing the deepest of despairs) "wait real?"

he nodded (carefully sliding off his cat mask and replacing it with the frog mask. he did accidentally drop the cat mask though but everyone was polite enough not to point it out). "on the house! as long as you can answere the batters Three Riddles"

"worth it! i don't write, an animal would die under my care, and i dont get out of this building !" and he excitedly took the bag of sugar zacharie handed over. zacharie kept glancing over at the batter in this stupid annoying way as if to say 'well that worked now didnt it? didnt it? sorry you didnt ask earlier huh? i bet you wish y

the batter almost left, but turned bakc around at the entrance. "One more question. Are you hiding anything under that bed?"

the elsen was barely paying attention at this point "yep! three jokers . be cause i dont want to die! ^_^"

the batter took the jokers loike some kind of tool or something. "Okay. Come on Zacharie, we're moving on."

"ahaha. well, enjoy your Rad Loot!" zacharie called out to the elsen before follwoing the batter down the hall. "man this place sucks" he mumbled to himself but it was quiet enough the batter didnt hear. ("...") Zacharie: *still too quiet to hear* Batter! I always wanted to yaoi kiss you but right now it would be weird because i am currently impersonating my  cat guy pablo plus you smell kinda bad. ("Oh come on.")

Then they reached the end of the hall and saw A GUY CORNERED BY A SPECTER!!! they had plemty of time to do something about this but instead just sat there and twiddled their thumbs. Maybe even kept looking down at their wristwatches and whisteling impatieny. AND THAT GUY WAS KILLED DEAD!! Battery and Zacher… are SICK. FUCKS!!!!!!!!!! 

To be fair though batter couldnt actually attack the specters because it wasnt SELF defense and right now the gosts were too busy eating thaet busynessmans corpse. (Are these guys tasty?!?? Hmm… thatd be WEARD. But…. perhaps i need to try something next time we see our friend from zone 2.) (NOT VORE)
(“I don’t like how hard Vore -… it is to tell apart what I say from the strange things you say. ”) (AN: then pick a funky font or soemtheng liek that!))
(“I don’t know how.”) (AN: oh :( Sry) (AN: i can does it for you batey) (“Okay.”)

Since they couldnt fight the ghosts they just leaft. The batter was so angrys about this but he didnt push against it as the puppeteer beamed in fatherly aproval. "baeyter i am so proud of yuuo for ur restraint just now." The better  said nothing because he was seething a little

zacharie caught onto the mirder pu0pets distress and added "fret not beloved ballman-"

"Do not call me that." the batter interrupted

"-batter, im sure youll have many opportunities to purify to your hearts content coming up! technically you already have, the narrative just opted to skip past your many many puzzle failures"

The batter shuddered at that. he hated that stamp puzzle so much. he took 40 hours on it which you eould think is not actually that much time in the grand scheme of things considering its been 118 YEARS (typo) but this was different ok. it was traumatizing and the batter will be lucky if he ever can handle going to a post office ever again. how will he send mail?!???!!??!?

they wet to the next corridor and one by one kept asking everyone they saw the same three questions. however none of these questions got helpful Answers and also made the batter look a bit insane. oh well it seemed like everyone else here had problems too so they didnt mind much. the batter, being pretty tired of faffing about at this point, also ignored the plot relevant memos even as zacharie kept pointing that them and saying stuff like "hey you should really look at this. batter you should take a look at this it might be important". namely because the time batter did look the memo just said something stupid like "GO TO SLEEP…" or whatever. (AN: not what that poster said)

however just when tehy thought they wasted their time, they found…. A RING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE BATTER STARTED CRYING AND WAILING TEARS OF PURE JOY AND HAPPYNESS AND SMILING REALLY WIDE AND JUMPING OVER TO HUG THE ADDON "ALPHA MY BEST FRIEND IM SO GLAD YOURE OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH PAL DONT EVER DISAPPEAR LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN…… OH BUDDY I WAS SO SCARED FOR YOU" 
("Not what I said.") (an:...oh.   can that be what the puppeteer said)
("...I guess.") (Pink you are pushover. =l)

ok FINE. THE puppeteer STARTED CRYING AND WAILING TEARS OF PURE JOY AND HAPPYNESS AND SMILING REALLY WIDE AND JUMPING OVER TO HUG THE computer screen "ALPHA MY BEST FRIEND IM SO GLAD YOURE OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH PAL DONT EVER DISAPPEAR LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN…… OH BUDDY I WAS SO SCARED FOR YOU"

BUT UPON CLOSER INSPECTION………….. THIS WAS NOTALPHA. OR OMEGA. IT WASNT EVEN . IT WAS A DIFFERENT RING.

{Littel did everone know, alpha died and reincarnared into a human otut in teh american soutehwest and they became a pro base ball paleyer. tragically though she never got into video  gamess so shes never played or herd of off by morty ghost . some meat inggs are not meat to be}

the puppeteer's face lost all its whimsy and was kind of like this (Baldness included (off is a very bald game)):

"You aren't my buddy Alpha."

"Yeagh Im Not. What Are You Going To Do About It Bro?" epislon (the rings name) thought reallpy hard however only the puppeter could hear it. "Come At Me. I Wanna See You Try To Hit Me And Hurt Me Through That Flimsy Little Pansy Bitch Screen." BUT ONLY THE PUPPETEER COULD HERE IT! ("I'm just going to ignore this.") (AN: good bc only the puppeteer can hear it)

batter acquired the addon EVEN THOUGHT HE PUPETER DESPRINITELY DIDNT WANT TO .. is was getting kind of alarming how often batter was just doing stuffs on his own now. oh well. "Come on, let's go."

zachearie cuckled. "a man of few words as always. did you look at the posters by the -" batter was already almost out the hallway "COME BACK HERE WAT TAH HECK"

meanwhile THE EVIL EPIOSLN WAS SMILING SINIISTERLY AT THE PUPETEER THE WHOLE TIME… AND NOBODY ELSE COULD SEE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT WOULD THE PUEPTEER DO!?!>?!@!@?!@?! THEIR PUPET WAS IN DANGER!

-

(A.N. Nobody asked, but this is my 'hype music.')

Chapter Text

chapter 10:
(A.N. STOP THAT)
(Okay. you come up with a better chapter title?)
(A.N. I'm usually dead by this part, I don't know what happens here!)
(Soundzzzzzzzz like a you problem! '3' Youre a guardian arent you supposed to be like realleh smart at things or wut. Do you not keep up with the happenings of other zones)
(A.N. Of course I do.) (<- Liar) (<- NES ) (<- LIAR) (AN: is enoch established as a gamer even happening in this chapter) (dependds on how fast we do this) (AN: You're added to the hitlist) (man i didnt even do anything wrong)
Chapter 13 (I counted, this is the actual number if you include the intermission.): Revelation (AN: about enoch established as a gamer?) 

(A.N. Actually I just read the OFF Wiki page for zone 3 and figured this would be a fitting title.) (Lul i thought you said you knew what happens in the other zones.)

(A.N. Who even are you? Something hasn't been adding up with your notes specifically.) (OOC: Nobodys' notes add up bro XD) (AN: wait japhet didnt you say you were leaving) ((Why are you counting the Fake author note chapter 2))
((Author’s Note: Or maybe he's counting the empty chapter.))

(A.N. Well then. If you people are going to be so pedantic, I won't share my observations. I can see when I'm not appreciated.)
((Author’s Note: ^ Hypocrisy much?))

They journeyed off to the next area with zacahrey and the new addon in tow but the whole time EPSILON WAS SAYING REALLY EVIL STUFF and it awas making the puppeteer so sick and worried. he needed to find an opportunity to ditch that stupid ring.. but WHAT??? ubfortunately it clearly wasnt here as most of this area was a closed building.  batter still wasnt reading the memos much to zachareis chagrin.
"I'm starting to think this is a lost cause," said the batter after having ANOTHER really nothingburger conversation with one of the workers. "Is there any real reason we can't go back to our original mission?"

"batty ive tould you a million times we gort FIRED ! there is no original misison anymore.. and i wanna help little kitty kittys"

he tapped his foot. "And you think this is helping how?"

"we'll find it. veterainanian. something liek that. baseabaell. talk to that guy in the corner there im SURE hes the one who will be our breakthoturhg!"

batter sighed deeply already preparing for nothing. "Do you play baseball."

the guy didnt evn look in his direction, eyes fixed on the pipes overhead. "....hhhhh."

that was quite frankly the least helpful conversation so far. puppeteer ".ask if hes a vet?"

"No." teh batter WALKED OUT THE DOOR even though THE BPEUPETEER DIDNT EVEN INPUT ANYTHING ON THE KEYBOARD!!!!!!!!!

"omg batter im starteding to get reallu scared that this is a creepyapasta. i emean… who says /go to sleep? Thats right: JEFF THE KILLER. and you are just awalking around on your own and zacharies here and i mean WHAT!!!!" the batter did not reply. "batere plaese buddy… im jsut scared for your health. its been so long adn yoru clearly struggling and hurting……."

the sad sad lietle puppet sat down at the edge of teh plastic. "It's hard to care about my new missions. We aren't actually doing or accomplishing anything. And-" he did the SHAFT head tilt to look back at the big treatment room bulding. "The zones are still impure. Walking through here has made that more apparent than ever."

"but zone 1 got puryfied… isnt that  enoigufh?"

he gripped his bat. "No. It's not." howeaver he did not continue arguing after that for a long while just kind of sitting there. "This has already gone on far longer than it was supposed to."

"i mean evrey1 was supposed to be dieded so it wastb supposed to go on for long at all"

howevre. sudeelyn zacaharie butted into the converstain by WHISPERING something to the bater..! and then EPSILON DID TOO!!!! the batters maybe nonexistent eyes widened but were filled with renewed vigour. "...Okay. I'm ready to keep going."

"HUH WAHT its not liek you to change yuor tune like this BATER!!!!!!! but okayeu…." however the puppeteer didnt trust waght happened because they didnt trust and hated BOTH zacharie AND EPSILON!!!!!!!!!!!! he poked the screen and used his telepathy on epsielon "hey bitch what did you just sayt to my bucking baby bat."

"I Told Him To Get A Life. Problem?  "

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU ARE BIENG FUCKING MEAN TO MY SEINEN BAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" SHE SLAMMED  HER HANDS ON THE COMPUTER KEYHBOARD but all that did was make the batter walk around a litt.e. everyone else just looked around confusedsy. it looked like batter waas going to comment but he didnt. he just weant beack into the treatment room and spent 118 years (<- Liar) on the lever puzzle. (puppeteer grew a magnificent beard from old age) (<- No they just did that on the spot) (AN: Soery have to agree with this one.) It has not been 118 years. It was a lie. Lever puzzels not even that hard.

At this point the batter was really debating whether he liked turning switches off but he was happy when he finally got into the last room of the building. and by happy i mean Raptorous Glee. and there were three guys up ahead looking Increadibly Healthy! THEY WERE ABOOUT TO BE ATTACKED BY GHOSTS BUT THE BATTER was SO EXCITED he EXPLODED THE GHOSTS WITH HIS MIND "Do you WRITE?"

THE PUPPETEER WAS STARING "Urhmie. bateter. that was explicitly not self defense"

"to be fair it was porabbly the right thing to do" added zacharie which the pupeteer just HATED

meanwhile the elsens were confusedly muttering amonsgt themselves, before one of them tentatively finally piped (get it. because theyre like. on drugs) up and said "..write what?"

the batter was undergauging mental insanity "You know what! The ONLY thing I could be talking about!!" he was smiling a little like jeff the killer

they continued discussing while batter patiently waited smileying. then one said "well… uh.. we dont write, but the director writes memos to everyone… i stopped reading those though."

"Good enough for me." THE BATTER RAN OUT OF THE ROOM not even giving them time to ask who he was or assume that he was there for the sugar. (they probably turned on each other the moment they were offscreen but ill leave it ambigiuous so you can imagine something nice happened instead)

Zacharie kept like teleporting or some shit to each next room that the batter ran through (also batter was knocking aside burnts with his bat the whole time), but was looking out of breath for some reason anyway. get over it asshole its not like youre ACTUALLY running after him jeez "i suppose" next room "-youre not playing this game," outside "-for the story then?"

the batter paused in his race towards the monorail. "I'm playing to win."

"ahaha. headed for the big leages?"'

AND HE WAS ALL OUT OF BALL.

zacarhei just barely managed to catch up as the batter reached the monorail and practically swung himself through the doors. epsilon floated over the batter like alpha used to do affecgionaly….. AND THE PUPPETEER WAS SO SICKENED AND WORRIED AND FEARFUL. "BATTER!!!!! WHAT DID ZACAHRIE AND EPSIOLON DO TO YOU!?!!?!?!?!?!!!?!!?!?!!! YOU ARENT RESPONDING TO MY KEY INPUTS ANYMROE" THEY WERE CRYING PROFUSELY TEARS OF BLOOD AND SHAJKING THE COMPUTER! 

they accidentally tore it in half. 

they left to buy a replacement and move all of their stuff of their old hard drive onto the new one because the screw keeping the old hard drive in was stripped and they didnt really want tostart from the begginning again plust they had some really important files (like this fanfic). however their old hard drive corrupted in the process because the desk they ahd their compter on was too wobbely and they did not hauevs a solid state drive. so they had to take a hacksaw and saw their old computer in half to retrieve the usefull metal part inside much like the (now dead) workers of pentel then they had to ship the drive off to a professional recovery service to rescue their data. however ehen they got word back the "preofessionals" were like "lol this shitts BUSTED" anc the peueo4terr had to like sob qnd bawl qnd wail for them to come back with anything remotely more helpful. "Well we lost most of the contents. Woopsies! But we did manage to recover one folder of some strange program called RPG_RT.EXE. too bad dude" BUT the purpeteer whooped and hollerred in happy because t9 be honest his little bat buddy was all they really needed in life. So yhey returned the hard drive to her and she transferred the video game back to the new computer and did have to redo THE ENTIRE FUCKING GAME. and given the opportunity to redo it all the puppeteer did everything the EXACT IDENTICALLY. then they realized their old save file was like still there and they just reloaded it. The new save file batter was still like sentient but eh. all in all this took another 12 years. (also this time it was epsilon who sacrificed itself.) The Batter remembered this. tax evasion

on the monorail zacharie looked over to the batter and lifted his mask to show his trademark grin. "ah, but may i remind you… we are in a trollfic. to quote someone very special…"

PUPPETEER QUOTE: " jf yuo put your mind to it then anything is posible in this wonderful world of batters vaseball  adventure 4d!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ~ Chapter 6… but who's keeping count? 

The computer never broke.

the monorail continued on the one and only save file.

Glad to see you catching on. =) 
See you soon! See you soon! See you soon! See you soon! See you soon! See you soon! 

while the puppeteer cried and groveled and begged for the batter to listen to them, the monorail reached its next destination. the batter + zacharie and Epsilon stepped out of the tram into area 3. after completely ignoring the receptionist, up ahead of them was a really tall ladder.

"go on up ahead, amigo. i've had enough heights for one day." zacharei seaid leaning back. he did raise a finger to his chin in pondering thiuogh "hmm, you will be able to make it down in one piece, right? considering your… thoroughly lacking party." he shrugged "well only one way to find out!"

"What do you mean by that?" asked batter.

zacharie was already halfway back to the station entrance. "it should be no problem for you, of course. that being said, if you get stuck on something, try to think outside the box for a moment!" he looked up to the sky like everyone else just kinda does when they're addressing or thinking about the puppeteer. "understand, i cannot be any more specific than this." with a wave, he called out "best of luck!" before disappearing off wherever zacharie goes when you arent looking at him

the puppeteer was REALY suspsiciosu at this point "nexct time i see zacharie im pulling his ass out of the video game and exploding him" (AN: this is no longer my opinion but in the name of writing the puppeteer with the character thats been established for them i must continue to say cruel things about zacharie. ……btw op very sorry for wahut i did i didnt know this pupeteer was supposed to be a self insert. it was fucked up of me) 

the batter ignored them and climbed up the pipe ladder.

"bater plz listen to me…idk waht your doing but something is very wrong. yuor making too many decisions of yuor own and youre putting our missions in danger… please you HAEV to understand."

"No. Not anymore. I'm going to fulfill my missions myself. "

"BATEAR!!!!!!!!! ALL I WANT IS TO BE GOOD AT BASEBALL PUPPET HUSBANDRY…….. juast WAHT do you think youre goig to do?!>~"

"I will find out if anyone here knows how to play baseball. Once I learn - and if nobody does… I'm going to continue my purification. The world is sick."

"BUT THE LITTLE KITTY KITTY!!!!!!!! YOU CANNOT DO THSI" (not to be that guy but is that really the main problem with killing everyone)(AN: the only waeay not to be That Guy is to Not be thaet guy. the puppeteer is only eampthetic to animals and murder pupets weve already estalbesiehed that)

"There is only one way to help the cat."

"NOT EVEN TREU"

"There is only one way to help the people."

"well ok fair. BTU LISTEN. THE KITTY. YOU CANT KILL A KITTY"

"It's more clear to me than ever…"

"ITS NOT OYOUR MISSION ANYMORE ITS NOT ITS NOT@!!!!!!!"

the batter reached the top of the pipe. "You are not my puppeteer."

THE SHEER SHOCK THAT WAS SENT THROUGH THE PUPPETEER WAS SO MCUH TO TAKE HE ACTUALLY CLOSED OUT THE GAME AND HAD TO RECOLLECT HIMSELF…. waht the FUCK waws happening… DID THE BATTER… JSUT DISOWN THEM!?!>?@!!@!/// they cried for the 12 years that didnt pass earlier . they passed now (but the batter didnt know about this)

then . they realized it was finally time to say the thing that they proably shouldve said earlier but knew would probably explode the batters brain forever…. just like those office workers………!!!!! "batter i amso sorry.." they reloaded the game and the batter was back at the bottom of the pipe

"...I just climbed that. [REDACTED], did you do something?"

"I HAD TO RELOAD THE GAME TO SIT AND THINK FORE A WIEL I am SO SORRy. bater. but you have been undergoing mental insanity and i dont think what ieam about to say is going to help. but you need to know why you cant go and purify stuffs. i know yuore having a rebelious phase but you NEED to listen to me."

the batter considered jsut ignoring the puppeteer but took a deep breath and heard them out which was proably the worst mistake of his life. "Fine. What is it?"

"bater. If you purée the world. YOU WILL NEVER EVER BE ABLE TO PLAY BASEBALL AGAIN. BEACUSE EVERYTHING INCLUDING YOU WILL BE GONE AND THE GAME WILL BE OVER"

THAT GOT THE baterur to freeze. apparently he mustve just Never even considered that i guess. he lowered his bat… THEN ROSE IT AGAIN "I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I can still purify the zones individually." AND HE STARTED CLIMBING UP THAT LADDER AGAIN EVEN FASTER

THE PUPETEER SCEAMED AT THE VIDEO GAME "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" then they just kind of placidly and politely sat there as the batter finished climbing all the way back up the pipe. then they starting screaming more again

meanwhile the batter looked down the pipe. it was a bretty long drop…… epsilon made eye contact (or as close as you could get with no eyes/dubiously eyes involved) and nodded determinedly. theuy had to jump down….. it was the only way. the patter took the plunge.

Chapter Text

Chapter 11: Nintendo etertenmaent systent(Hey)
(A.N. I thought we’ve established this is not chapter 11.)
Chapter 11: Chapter 14

GA(Y)ME OF THE MORTAL FALL
Catch ten Add-Ons before the timer runs out so the Batter doesn't die in a bloody crash.

("Wait, what??")

Be careful about the phantoms! If you touch three of them you lose.

("Hold on.")

Press Ctrl+C to begin!

("This is text, how does-")

Chapter 11: Chapter 14: Doing Things The Hard Way

after Telve (    i was kidding.) years The batter FINALLY landed at the bottom at that horrible horrible horrible HORRIBLE pipe. "I think that was the worst day of my life." he VERY MUCH looked like he had the wind knocked out of his sails from this whole thing. at the very lealst he would NEVER bave to do the stupid pipe again

the pupetser was so glad the batter got out of the pipe (basically purgatory. like the fly of despair from spunch bob) that they pounded the desk with their fists but like in a happy way. then they accidentally destroyed their LOL DO YOU REALLY THINK ID PULL THAT AGAIN vote in da commentds below !

("Can I just make it so that pipe segment never happened?") (AN: well i guess you could but it wuoldnt erase the terrible memory if living it) ("...Hm.") The batter opted to moev the fuck on for da sake of his own sanity (of witch was alredy in the negatives.) Luckily(?) He didnt have to go far to find someone looking more insane than him! "Are you an author?" the batter asked tersely. the guy was just mumbling to himself and seemed really intent on his job though. in fact he might not have noticed the batter at all in spite of the rough entrance

batter was having none of that. he put his hand on the guys shoulder. "Do you write books. Or fanfiction."

"... dont." the guy Eventually muttered back, his only response. he then went back to shoveling sugar into some sort of pipe. Batter may have been named Batter "Jumpintopipes" Batman.. but he was REALLY not feeling his namesnake right now

well no matter. he had more important things 2 worey about. such as when he went downstairs finding a room full of CORSPES ! "GULP…I GUESS THIS REALYE IS CREEPYPASTA!!!!" SCAREDED THE PUPPETEER!!!

 just across the room, amongst the bodies, was another person; standing there alive but looking just as dead as the rest of them. he stared back at the batter in wordless shock. so the batter was the first to speak.

(AN: I DREW THIS ONE this my art) (WOAW THATS EPIC!!!!!!!! Can you draw me next?) (AN: thank yuog. im not doing that) (Aw. =c)

"how… how did you get in here?" the man asked, though he didnt seem all that invested in the question.

"I'm Batter "Jumpintopipes" TheBatter, and I jumped down the chimney."

"just like santa!" Added the puppeteer. :D

"I'll repeat my question. What goes on in here?"

The elsen then to began thoroughly explaim…. that….. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!! (never watched that movie) however the puppeteer pretty much mashed through all the dialogue like they always did for the element explanations (they hate vintage diagrams). "OOOHHH i get it" thre pupetesr said. "offeace workers ARE edible….. ive got 2 try that in REAL LIFE somes time"

the batter ignored that. He was kinda mad that rhe puppeteer skipped past all that but he couldnt really retcon in information he didnt have. also buddy youre a bit of a hypocrite remembet those MEMOS you skipped. dont give me the cold shoulder you

finally the infodump finished up. "...because without sugar, people wouldnt be able to bear reality, and they would go mad."

the batter could already guess by this point he would be facing the responsible party soon.  however, he had a more pressing question "Are you aware of any writers around this area?"

"...does snail mail count..?"

the batter sighed. "Nevermind." He was about to turn to leave, but EPSTLON nudged him back, like it was trying to say something important! he was confused but listened to epsilons advice and pressed the elsen a little further. "What kind of letters?"

the elsen looked like he was straining to even remember. "...i had a coworker, who… he… was passing notes off to someone in area 4 for a while." he cleared his throat uncertainly. "but i havent seen him since… a while. th-. thats all i know." Lifting his shovel back up, he faced the fire once more. "...i need to get back to work."

"Okay." well no matter what it seemed he was OFF to area 4. he wished he had some more to go OFF of but sadly he wasnt THAT lucky. Oh we'll. he left the shitty corpse room and batter jumpedintopipes thebattered into the smaller pipe. He barely fit and kind of had to manually clamber through and he was like covered in sugar the whole way through with was kind of sensory hell for him (batter is autistic) especially cause it was granulated and not powdered… plus he still had dsome blood on him? (ghosts) so it like stucked to him grossly  it was a whole ordeal 

BUT when he fell out he was conveniently at the monorail. wouldve been better if he ended up in area 4 but batters cant be choosers. he went to enter the monorail and was interrupted by THAT BITCH MOTHERFUCKER ZCHAERIE AND HIS STUPID TWITTER SWEATER  (zacharie has been actially swapping theough various different sweaters with social media logos on them the whole time it just wasnt important (still isnt))

"I'm here, I'm here! Welcome… Batter." He then proceeded to rexplaim sugar, which the batter didnt interrupt because he genuinely hadnt heard most of that, but the puppeteer mashed through the dialogue as fast as possible again. faster even because she FUCKING HATED ZACHARUR SO BAD thus would NOT have survived tumblr in 2014 (btw zacharie has a tumblr sweater too) the batter frowned but zacharie wasnt about to repeat himself thrice.

"I have a possible lead. I'm heading to Area 4."

zaecharie laugheried. "well isnt that good news! and ever so hellpful that i JUST so happen to have an access card. weall hop aboard!" Choo Choo! (<- This is wat the puppeteer would say right now if they had any semblance of whimsy in zacharirs presence.)

the three (because epilon was there) (kin of your kin who hold the power of the stars in their paws) (<- This is wat the puppeteer woud say right now if they were real.) i forget where this sentence was going

OH RIGHT

the three of them boarded the tram and waited. While Zacharie quickly found a seat for himself, Epsilon hovering in tow, the Batter found himself unable to get comfortable. He was swamped with nervous energy, in fact; pacing back and forth in spite of the car's jittery movements.

"Stop fidgeting, we'll be there soon." Zacharie called out, though his heart wasn't really in it.

The metallic clanging that threatened the steady rhythm of the Batter's heartbeat did not falter as the tram screeched to a halt. There was some kind of blockage on the track.

The batter got rid of it and they moved on (AN: wait is that rly how were riting this scene) ("...")

after a discomfortingley quiet redeparture, they arrived at the eluisive AREA 4. "hmm.. wile i was thinking id leave yuo on your merry way, im curiougs about things myself. mind if i come with?"

"Go ahead." bat realy didnt care. so much for your yaoi dreams

the pupetsr as always did not like this course of events but was curebtlyb distacted by somethiung else on theyre mind. "u kno… thgat guy said 'snial mail.' does that mean there are E-Mails in da zones?"

"a mystereriy for the ages…" zacharie sheugged. he thean stiod there to cricket chirps before an anime sweat drop appeared on his heade "okay okay i get teh hint [REDACTED]. yueore not my biggest fan"

"AND. I. WILL. NEVAER BE!!!!!! you are EVIL and  lead my patter so astray. I Donot care that u have a cute little kitty kitty mask and you Miaou somuch. yuo porbably skinned that OFF a real cat"

"man what O.O"

the batter waved a hand at zachaire "Just keep moving." yhe puppeteer was unfortunatebly an expert arguer not 1 to be tirfled with.. i guess. they went out into da

E
N
D
L
E
S
S

H
A
L
L
W
A
Y

xcept it wasnt really all that endelss just like fuckoff long and full of mostely locked doors. so it was proebaly more like da

A
N
N
O
Y
I
N
G

B
I
T
C
H
F
U
C
K

H
A
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W
A
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chapter 11:
vertical
fucking
chapter

(A.N. Can we draw a fucking line?)
(AN: vertical?)
(A.N. I am near my breaking point.)

the halls were filled with people in lab coats seemingly wandering in a total daze. odly enough there were like a LOT more of those memos on the walls, pactically lining them. again the bater didnt really seem to care but zacharie kept silently pointing at them. everytime this happened the puppeteer said Nuh uh. eventually this got so irritating that the batter went back and started reading each one individually. 

Executive suite's note:
I hope you are all having a lovely day.

he continued down the hall

Executive suite's note:
I hope you are all having a lovely day, as you always should.

testing each door

Executive suite's note:
I have an important task for you.

mostly to no avail.

Executive suite's note:
Please return your sugar to the endmost corridor.

Executive suite's note:
This is mandatory. There will be enough for all of you.

Executive suite's note:
Do not worry.

he was careful not to make eye contact with any of the burnts. though he wanted to purify them, he had a feeling it would be best not to come to blows as he was already far weaker than he shouldve been by this point

Executive suite's note:
Are you receiving my memos?

Executive suite's note:
Lovely day.

Executive suite's note:
Do not worry.

finally, a door opened.

it was a room with nothing more than a table and a chair. there was a paper there, but no matter how hard he tried, the batter could not actually see what it said. he couldnt even bring himself to sit in the chair for some reason

"batter, batter, when will you learn. you cant just look at the paper from here, this is a video game." said zacharie waggling a finger

"Isn't it a fanfiction-"

"put on your thinking cap, you silly cap-clad protag! what might there be to do here? something in th room youve perhaops Missed?"

zacharie was not being very helpful at all. quickly the batter figured it out on his own and pushed the table through the wall.

"bravo!"

"Did you really have to do that."

"i have fun 😹"

the batter rolled his eyes and quickly took a look at the other page on the wall before exiting.

Executive suite's note:
Trust me, as you always should.

when he walked out he was a little bit thrown off, not remembering exactly where he was. He accidentwally stepped right into the path of one of the burnts and THE SOUND OF METAL CLANGING AGAINST METAL OVER A SAW PLAYED BGM STYLE

the puppeteer was JAMMING OUT TO THIS!! unfortunately while they werent looking the batter dieded.

𝅘𝅥𝅮  Stayy in your Coma….. Stay in your Co-(ck) the puppeteer reloaded and quickly redid all that but it wasbnt interesting though so i dont desrceibe it here

back where they left off, the batter entered the next room over to read the paper. sum kinda puzzle or seomthing. he just pocketed it so he wouldvnt have to come back here later.

"ohoho i wonder what that cuold mean!" zacharie snickeled proebaly cheekily raising andnsyebrow. batter just walked straight past him

Executive suite's note:
Are you receiving my memos? There should be pen and paper on the table.

there was a pen and a few blank papers on the floor.

Execui oops
Excutive suite's note:
Please reply.

Executive suite's note:
This is mandatory.

out the door and back into the hall. much more careful this time.

Executive suite's note:
Please talkreply.

Director executive suite's note:
Are you listening to me?

I Changed my mind i don't want your sugar anymore Im fine without it please just talk to me someone anyone

turn the corner

Director note:
I am the Director. Do not worry.

DIRECTOR's note:
Blaargh its me the director! Im gonna getcha! XD

Who am i kidding It doesn't matter. I could just say anything, Youre not worried are you.

You can't even do that?

turn the corner again

Dont you get how much it hurts walking around to post this stuff up everywhere? =/

..it hurts really bad

And still foggy out. so hard to think.

the last stretch of hallway in this room was memo-free.

"YOOOO thies is like. slenderman the 8 pages huh batter. …wait you dont knwo that game. maybe we shuld go do that once we're done with … gee batter what are we doinfng here anyway?" tthe pupsteer commently idldly nervosuly. the batter did not reply.

the batter opened a door to a brick wall

there wasn't much more to find here.

just briefly, they looked back at the path that came before. the memos were inexplicably absent.

"i wonder"
zacharie mused aloud
"if they want us to see this in a certain order."

the batter did not reply.
he made his way to the next set of halls.

the 
first
door
was

locked

.

the

second

door

was

…open

and

there

they

found

nothing but
a tiny room
that homed
nothing but
a lonely old
chest

Chapter 14: Getting Here is Half the Fun

with nothing else to do, the batter rifled through its contents: a massive collection of papers, pressed down heavy by a worn music box.

zacharie leapt excitedly at the sight of the music box "well, what do you know? i've been looking for that, mind if i hold onto it?"

"Go ahead."
the batter handed it over after

a
vertical
break
that did not intersect hesitation.

"thank you! i was thinking id withhold important puzzle information so we'd have something to trade but i suppose thats no longer needed."

the batter "T_T"'d at him

"....ill tell you what you need to know when we get there ok" he said though it didnt do much to remedy the batter's mood

regardless, there were still stones left unturned,
and so the batter pressed on.

Check out this image, It will make ur HEAD EXPLODE or your credits back GUARANTEED!!! ROFL

"UAUAUAUAUUUUUUUU LITTLE KITTY KITTY PIC" THE PUPPETEER CHEERED. "its been so LONG I WAS WONDERING IF THERED BE A LITTLE KITTY KITTY EVER AGAIN AT ALL……. anyway its a preddy good thing you know hwo to read huh batter. i mean with all this reading youve been doing"

the batter did not reply. he tuned out the "puppeteer."

Who are you, why do you keep sending
these strange photos.

OMGWTFBBQ someone finally FINALLY replied. Blaargh its me the director! Im gonna getcha!

You aren't the director.

How do you know? Have you ever even met him?

Not face to face
he does leave memos though

And these don't count?

Um. Not really
And he doesn't write like that

several more similar styled memes between those and the next useful ones, presumably all sent at once.

Okay can you stop I've just
been burning these as we get them

Wow whatevs =\ lol'ing at 'we' though

??
Huh

Like you've ever talked to your coworker for REALZ.

He never leaves that spot does he? I bet he saidsays the same thing over and over again too

What are you even talking about

Dont you lie to me. Whens the last time you had sweet dreams? Any at all?
And how are these letters delivered anyhow? Not like they fall from the sky. the magic pipe if you will
But they just turn up, dont they?

Your
days
feel
so
vertical
don't
they?

Nothing you write makes any sense
stop. I'm not going to answer any more of these

If youre gonna leave a comment at least leave a positive one jeez. I'm trying to help you.

Look. I get you feel safer in your sleep. I did too.
But youre already burnt. Sugars not helping. And however long its been everything feels so different now. Yet you're still living the moment of the precipice, so you AREN'T burnt.

And youre scared.
Because suddenly you can feel your feelings words branded on your empty hide. You know just as well as I do.

Amirite?

Okay please I get it please stop rubbing it in,
why do you know these things? Who ARE you??

I'm in the same boat as you
Its been this way for almost 18 years.

Thats a lie. It's only been this way for a week. maybe

Maybe for you
=)

How would anyone even cope with that, theres no way

 I dunno. Scrolling memes n subpuppits til my brains mush? XD
Also I frequent illiterate roleplay forums it really does hone your writing skillz

What the hell is a 'subpuppit'

the batter was getting impatient and started skimming. a website explanation, then ANOTHER extended exchange of meme photos and now thread screenshots for the batter to flip through. in spite of the circumstances, he caught glimpses of almost… casual conversation amongst the notes. this was definitely going for a long time.

"these people are quite the chatterboxes, arent they?" yawned zacharie. "how much more of this've we got?"

the remaining portion felt quite thin in the Batters hands. "I think we're almost through."

"about time! this chapter has long overstayed its welcome by now."

…the batter took pause. "Zacharie. Do you recognize these papers?"

"im afraid not. but im sure we can both agree it rings a bell… or several."

the batter slowly nodded and went to read the last pages.

OH SHIT YOURE BACK
NGL I thought you… i dont know.
Glad you're good lol X3

Not really
still tired

have you thought about my suggestion yet .w.

I haven't thought much of anything
How long has it been?

Since your last letter or?

...I guess it doesnt matter.
You do remember what we were even talking about a while back right?

Gex quotes?

No BEFORE that.

Oh

Oh right.

Yeah no i remember
Im sorry. i dont think i can do it. 
Im barely holding on as is, if i quit what little sugar i have i
.i dont know

But its kind of a catch 22 isnt it
You know what happens when [eraser smudging] arrives

You keep saying that and i know

Well i only got the 'gift' i did after i stopped taking that shit. And even then it took a while before i could affect anything. The way i see it youre running out of time

This is your one way out that ISNT dying

...i dont want to die

I know.

hello?

did something happen

You usually dont ghost like this

please reply

please?

progressively

i dont want to die

less

i dont want us to die

legible

help

~And if those unforgiving train tracks ask me why
I'll say you were doomed from the outset, much same as I~

Also you don't take initiative you prick.
You trust whoever takes your hand and makes lofty promises to you and you whine and whine when it doesn't work. =/
Once a critic always a critic as they say.
(ITS CUZ U NO LIEK MY WRITING DX)

Oh well, you're not here anymore to hear this in any case.
This next one's for someone else.

'I hope you are having
a lovely day,'
Batter.
=D

-the Batter snapped his attention back to the entrance –

…Nothing. Still the only people in the room were him, Zacharie, and Epsilon. Epsilon was concerned by the Batters sudden reaction, and entered the closest thing to an attack stance an Add-On could manage.

Zacharie probably knew the cause for alarm as well as the Batter did, but he remarked as if he didn't know anyway. "something up?"

"...The one we're looking for is close. We need to get going."

The Batter carefully stepped outside the room, a

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUrPp4rSD-U
[VOLUEM WARNING]

"I'LL 
FLIPPING
KILL
YOU BAPPER"

THE BATTER FRUCKING CREAMED (AN: TYPUO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) AS LOURD AS POSSIBLE AND MADE A FUCKING BREAK FOR IT ASAP as FAST as his little batter legs could carry him. YOU KNOW ALL THOSE CHASE SCENES IN THE FIC SO FAR? GESUS WHAT. THAT WAS ALSO FORESKIN(OOC: You see this was actuallly some sort of test to see how well he could run to the plates in a areal game of baseball!)(not true) he was proabley like crying and wailing the hole time too becauwes it waws REALLY FUCKING SCARY  to be

ENOUC JUMPSCARED

he didnt even like notice wheter zacharei aor epsilon could keep up with him he was entirely focused on GTFO'ING out of there before he got KILLED DEAD BY

ENOGH

BWHOEVER THE FUCK THAT WAS. unfrotunately for the batter these hallways were LONG AS FUCK it weent called the ANNOYING BITCHFUCK HALLWAY for no reason. HE WAS GETTING REAL LOST REAL FAST and im sure things wouldeve gone better if he had a trsuty add-on companion like ALPHA (dead) or EPSILON (missing) to healp guide him through this scariest moment of his etnire life but too bad for him he did Not! SUFFER also the puppeteer was like comatose or something 𝅘𝅥𝅮  Stayy in your Coma….. Stay in your Comma… 𝅘𝅥𝅮 

da batter made tehe terrible terriblde mistake of going into one of the doors to attempt to hide and only realized like immediately after this only got him like stuck with very little chanace of a way out. well at least there was a NES  to game on and comfort him in these dire dire times (NO!!! ITS NOT! ITS NOT A FUCKENG NES! ITS A SUPER NINTENDO. GO TO HELL ) (Hi sir what was that. come again) (AN: HOLY SHIT ITS THE CREEPYPASTA GUY IN OUR DOCUEMTN!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT   HI CREEPYBUDDY)

(huh) 
(AN: AWWWHH hes kidna cute :3 
BATTER KILL HIM )("That's the plan.")
(whats that by his neck anyway are those like. bat wings. are you a vampire)(No those are my teeth.)(oh. i couldnt tell. your art is kind of not good)(SHADDUPPPP DX do you even WRITE ANYTHING or do you just COMPLAIN IN THE AUTHORS NOTES. btw IT'S NOT EVEN MY ART IT'S https://archiveofourown.org/users/VirtuAquarium3D SO BLAME WHOEVER THAT IS)(You are deflecting)

WHILE EVERYONE WAS ARGUING IN AUTHORS NOTES OR WHATEVER the fucking ENOCH BURST INTO THE ROOM THE WALL EXPLODING ( https://www.clipartbest.com/explosion-animated-gif <- just scroll through this page for a good idea of what it was like)

the batter was panickly looking around to find an exit because he could just TELL if he tryed to fight this guy he was just FUCKED. "Who even are you!!?"

"I AM ENOCH. directoriey. guardian. OF zone 3. I EAT KITTENS FOR LUNCH EVERYDAY, EAT ELSENS FOR BREAKFAST, AND GHOSTS FOR SUPPER." (A.N. Speaking from personal experience. He does not talk like this.) (AN: huh japheyt i thought you left) (A.N. …That wasn't wholly the truth. I just shut my yap. You all should consider it, too. /genuine, I'm sure our green author wouldn't be in such hot water if he'd been less talkative.) (Actually I'm doing pretty great rn, you'll see)

someone was feeling a bit lippy today "Okay, so why are there so many ghosts haunting your factories."

"...not important. I. WILL. KILL. YOU. NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PAIN BLAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (A.N. What? What? How do you even GET HERE from 'guardian of zone 3?') (With all due respsect have u SEEN zone 3 =T) (A.N. …) (<- LIARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR XD XD XD Anyway Exaggeration is the representation of something as more extreme or dramatic than it is, intentionally or unintentionally. It can be a rhetorical device or figure of speech, used to evoke strong feelings or to create a strong impression. Wikipedia)
"What kind of a name is tha-AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAGAUAHAUGHAUG" YEAGH NO THAT BLAST WAS PRETTY PAINFUL. IT WAS AN APT DESCRIPTOR "I SWEAR TO ORCINUS I'LL PURIFY YOU" he said mid scream (A.N. …"Orcinus?") (AN:you dont even appreciate his sick references to faemuos splatoon visual novels) (A.N. So I see he's gone mad too. Duly noted.)

"My Enoch Patented Pain Blast™ is made up from the AGONIZED SCREAMS of every guy i EAT ALIVE (after cookin g them in the fire but not like long enough for it to actually kill them, cuz im a SICK FUCK. And yes.." (A.N. There is exaggeration… And then there is complete fabrication.
Wait, even this doesn't check out. You were pretending to be "the Director" earlier and it was at least more subtle than this. What are you ON about right now!?) HE GRINNED EVILY FUCKED UP "There IS gore. Lots of blood guts murder death killing. And its AWESOME." he looked to the side "plus i eat babies" (A.N. …You know how I said I was kidding when I left those other times? I'm done for real. I can handle taking the piss, I am not easy to offend. But I have my limits. Farewell, enjoy your fanfiction. I'll be back once Critics United's finished tearing it to shreds.) (Critics united huh '3') (AN: bro japhete isnt that a ff.net thing? no way we're posting on there with OUR bullshit)

THE BATTER was struggling through the being hurted. HE WAS PROBABLY CRYING SOO HARD ("...") BUT HE WAS BEING SO BRAVE ABOUT IT to not worry his puepeteer!!!!! he waas spitting up like a gallon of blood every milisecond he was caught in the pain blast though AND HIS HP WAS RAPIDLY DEPLETING!! which he already didnt have a lot of because might i remind you this man hasnt been in a real fight since zone 1. he tried desparetly to reach for his bat BUT IT WAS NO USE! pain blasts powers ALSO immobilized people (as enoch also explained in the background. in fact it seemed he was going on a long tangent about his nefarious deeds and how much he loved torture cupcakes mlp style or something)

but thean he heard a familiar voice….. ZACAHRIE!!!! and also he heard ADDON sounds (whatever that is) because EPLSION WAS THERE TOO!!! zacahrie tossed a lucky tix over to the batter!!! just in the nick of time to because batter was about to be put RIGHT back in that coma again . he ated the luck ticket AND FELT HEALTHY AGAIN!!! then immediately resuccumbed to Pain Blast

"remember what youve learened batter! this may look hopeless…. and it toadally is LOL. did you like my awesome frog pun" shouted zacharie (enoch just did not notice him at all even a little bit i guess) "but… you know what to do." zacharie lifted his mask to show his grin BADASSLY again!!!!!

AND HE WAS RIGHT!!! The Batter wrote things back to right before he left the room with the chest. He knew he couldn't fight the director- …directly. "[REDACTED]," he said (rouseing the puppeteer from their ill timed coma) "Do you know how this fight is supposed to go?"

"huerh. wat fight"

Oh, right. "The moment I step through this doorway, I'm going to be jumped by the Director. I'm not strong enough to beat him as is, obviously, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to."

the purepeteer tapped their chin. "ummm hmm tahsts a tough cookie to crack. we go back and grind for 118 years?"

"Not what I meant. Is there some sort of guide you can look up?"

"bater………… i dont knowww aboute this. i was tryign to avoid spooileres."

The Batter tapped his foot impatiently. "I'm going to be hit with Pain Blast ."

"not if we dodge it"

Upon realizing the Puppeteer wasn't going to budge, he steeled himself and did something he really did not want to do.


He did the damn puppydog eyes.

THE PUPPETEER GASPED SOBBING "OHHH batter what am i DOING hurting yuo like this……… iam so sorry plaese forgive me.. i have NOT been a very good puppeteear to you. i HAEUVE TO ATONE FOR WAT IVE DONE!!!!!!!!! ILL KILL TEH DIRETCOER WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS-"

"-Or, you could do the thing I actually asked you to,"

"o yeah oops. soreay lemme go look up a walkthrough" after a very tense scrolling session, the puppeteer finally announced "OK the solutoin is. you run around really scaredy as the guardian chases you until he gets realy exausted and stuck in the train tracks. also hes aparently the guardian. woah!"

there was liek that one duck quack that plays whenever a cartoon charcetr is shocked by something "Oh. Is that really how it goes?"

"yea idk wat to tell you"

if the batter were more emotive hed be grimacing realy wide rn but he wasnt so he just had his defalt neutral expression. he took a deep breath. "In any case, this gives us time to plan out a strategy." he turned to epsilon and zacharie. "Epsilon, lead the Director through the hallways as long as possible. Try to keep your path convoluted and hard to follow, but keep him to the rightmost hallways for as long as you can. I'm going to make sure I'm at the station first so I can get the drop on him." 

espsoilon bobbed up in down (like nodding) with utmost detereimnation to please the batter, and flew out the door.

"...I didn't mean immediately." he shook his head and turned to zacharie. "You keep an eye out and make sure nobody interferes, and if things get out of hand-"

"bateur. batter. did i say even once i was gonna be part of this" he pulled out a beach chair. "im the mermchant i dont do SHIT. also remember that time you skewered me like a kebab? i forgive yuo but im not feeling very forgetful rn"

"Whatever." the batter stormed out.he looked boath ways to make sure the coast was clear of enoch (or cars) (another wicked sick reference to driving cars) and rushed to the left, while in teh background he could here epsilon beign an absolute champ flying all over the place and keepign enochs attention. (sadly this experience will leave espilon with lasting trama but when it looks back on this it will decide after a loung journey of processing that it woudlnbt have done anything diferently)

"yuo know in the walkthrough i looked at there was a blockade in front of the path youre just came frum… we are sequebece breaking this shit SOO HARD" sporked the puppeteer

of course the batter wasbtn really focused on that, he kept onwards until he reached-
..the next hall over was completely grayscale. terrible, strained whispers pierced the air, and everything was still. after looking back to make sure enoch hadnt followed him, the batter carefully tested some of the doors. the first one was locked, the second one lead to a pristine brick wall.

"oh damn. i guess we WERE purifying everaything aufter all. (zone 1 is FUCKED huh)"

something wasnt sitting right. "No. We didn't purify everything. We haven't been purifying most things, remember?"

"...ummm. ehehehe, ;-;"

But a third person divided the vertical line between puppet and puppeteers.

JAPHET QUOTE: " [...]things will always be as they're meant to. " ~ Chapter 8… whichever that is lul

the batter turned to see the hijacker, half-burnt, half-alive but standing here before him. green-eyed monster. "You're one of the authors."

"But before that I'm impure."

"Either way, my mission is to destroy you."

"I know.
Sorry. I wont make it easy."
the burnt smiled unreadably. "May i do the honors? >w<"

"..."

"Ill take that as a yes!
…thank you." he cleared his throat.

Vici!
"My…
legs…"
Vidi

Veni
"sting me"

Chapter Text

Authors Note: Without any further ado…

Fig 1. Horizontal wavelength exceeding graphic capability. "Purification in progress…" said the (strings coiled around your Smoke/Metal/Plastic/Meat hand (It is not sugar.)) With all respects to consideration of the first move.

   The Batter tried to steady his thoughts, but it was difficult to separate from the narration. I'll make sure he doesn't.

Fig 2. Pastel-burnt (No weaknesses/resistances)
Absolute.

The batter got NINJA'D!!!!!!!!!  "Inhuman Decadence" lands no miss no dodge. (If we do the math here obviously he wouldnt be able to survive an attack from an enemy in zone 3, he doesnt have enough hp.) ((AN: um im too lazy to do teh math on that . show yuor work?)) (No <3)

𝅘𝅥𝅮  Coma 𝅘𝅥𝅮 

unfortuanelty the puppeteer couldnt see any of that god modding bullshit going on (from their perspective it was just the regular off pattle screen and the batter was one hit ko'd) "duded WHAT. thats unfairrrrrr" (Sore loser anyway XD) they reloaded but this time they were in a room they didnt recognize with a red box (it was right before Enocsh place but the pupeteer didnt know that.) IT WAS A LITTLE SCARY CREEPYPASTA because they did NOT save there but thery were there anyway…….. 

they had the batter walk back out and THEY WERE IMMEDIATLEY JUMPSCARED BY THE PURNT (pastel burnt) GUY (but not as page ruining as an enoch jumpscare) AND THE BATTLE STARTED AGAIN "Hai ^_^" And in starting anew there would only be one turn repeating anew representing the long winded close ended question thrice now.

   This time the Batter was prepared. He utilized the strongest competence he had. but it was probably just like fusrioaus homerun or something so it barely did shit. "Okay. Alpha-" he looked to the side and remembered alpha dieded (epsilon actually told him how that happened earlier that was wat it said in chapter 10). "...Okay, Epsilon- …" he remebered he sent epsilon off to fite enoch. wouldve been fair to asseume it wouldve been back after the save reaload but evidently this save was after that alrady happened.

Fig 3. See Fig. 2.
𝅘𝅥𝅮  Stayy in your Coma….. Stay in your Comma… (https://www.clipartbest.com/explosion-animated-gif <- just scroll through this page for a good idea of what it was like)   𝅘𝅥𝅮 

THE PUPPETEER SCREAMED ERAELYY LOUD for stress relief. after foidng that for five hours they reloaded the game and grumbled frowningly. "Batter. we are NOT strong enough to beat this guy. or any guys fore that matter. We.  Have to train. Like Goku."

"that aproach wont work" said a voice in the corner of the room. ZAKARIE!!!!!!! eatin chips. "liseten. i may be a liaebilty more than anyhting right now. but truast me when i say that if theres one thing i know its thart anything is possible in batters baseball adventure… 
baseball… purifiy……. its all in the mind…" he said cryptsically as always 

the puepetaars face got REALLY grim and angry. "Bater Liest Ignore. him. he is ACTIVELY USELESS" before the batter could even put in hsi owne two cents the puppeteer made him use the red box and go to zone 1. ("Wait, why zone 1? There are still specters to purify in zone 2. Wouldn't that be more useful?") (Could u be PATIENCE and stahp interrupting the fic. >_>) (AN: RICH COEMING FROM YOU ASSHOLE. EAT SHIT AND DIE) (That WAS your plan. but yer doing a bad job at clearing me out, (purified!) Lel) (AN: fuck Of) (dont you mean fuck OFF )

nWhen thaey got to zone 1 … everything was grey there too. …"oops. YEAp definitely pure" said the pupeteer embarassedy. "wale maybe we can find cool stuff anyhow"

   The Batter wasn't sure what the Puppeteer expected to find, but he trudged along nonetheless. the whispers from before were back in full force, as if something was lurkiSCARY FUCKING BABYS ATTACK
THE PUPEPTESER VOMITED (PATHOLOGICAL FEAR OF BABIES)

"I thought the zone was pure," growlied ("???") the batter . Liuckily for as scarey as the babies where they werent imposieble to kill. Thats right! We're doing a
Dead Baby Joke in this fic! except its not a joke as those babys really did die. the batter got a fuck ton of xpereicne points from that rousing round of baby murder (i think its his hobby but dont wuote me on that)

"Oh shit!" the puepeeter said recovering from their fearful sicekness. "you know what this means right."

The batter groanesd. he could already guess. They were going to be gridning for levels.

3 years later…(No)
The  batter was now liek EXTEREMYL buff and overleverled like level 50 or something. he was mayubey even Buff now? but he coudl definitely take on EVERY adversary he wanted. he was TOUGH . AS . A NAIL BAT NO. None of that happened. Batter got killed by one of the baby things or whatever and tthey reloaded in zone 3 quickly BEFORE THEY COULD TAKE A MILLION YEARS DOING SOMETHING STUPID AGAIN (AN: look man do yuo WANT it to be a million year.s i mean i guess you do look lieak a dinosaur and those were around a million years ago so i guess itd make sense) ("...I'd rather it not be a million years.")

PUPPETEERA got another meessage beamed from GOD again "batter. we have to get to zone 1 to train NO MATTER WHAT."

   The Batter nodded, wasting no time in making contact with the red box. "I still think zone 2 might be a better option." he got isgnored. (an: also you might be wrong actually buat i dont feel like looking it up)

THE MOMENT THEY REACHED ZONE 1 ANOTHER BABY SUPER KILLED THEM Stay in your coma stay in your coma what EVER. and when the puppeteer reloaded they were at a DIFFERENT save point with a yellow box instead of a red one so they could., not. waste. my time. We're wrapping up now. (damn not even gonna specify a specific box) 

   The Batter wandered out into the… hallway? He didn't know where in the hallway he was. Green author there there again! Here! =D

Fig 2. Pastel-burnt (No weaknesses/resistances)
And as with all absolutes…

though the sitruation was dire, the batere wasnt out of trix up his sleave just yet… he remembered wat zacharied said. 

ZACHARIE QUOTE: "baseball… purifiy……. its all in the mind…" ~ Somewhere in this chapter

thats riaeght…. his PURIFICATION was in his MIND!!!!!!! LEAVE IT TO… BATTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ("...I'll relay it next time.")

   The Batter got his initial strike in again, though this time he took advantage of the remaining delay to evade the next attack.

My own turn… missed apparently. (Heyyy you cant just say I missed before i even did anything! Come ONNN.)

   While his adversary took his sweet time complaining, the Batter landed a second hit. To his "surprise", it was a critical. And as before, he stepped aside and let the Pastel-burnt's low accuracy take care of the rest. (WTF LITERALLY EVERYTHING I  DO IS 100% ACCURACY LOOK IT UP ON THE WIKI!!!!!) The burnt missed.

aout of noewere a SECOND HEAD appeared in pbs weird dino mouth. EYUCK!! "Okay. sir. i see how it is." wthouhg he was speaking it was hard 2 tell if he was talking from… either mouth rly. EYUCK!!x2 "You don't want to-. Maybe how- when the normal way… 
Archive Warning: Creator I guess to quit, or Chose Added ?/? Otherr long run regardless. You're..it wouldn"The Batter pulled another critical hit.
"tAYGH LET ME FINISH MAH FREAKIN SENTENCE YOU DICK"(AN: MAYBE WEN YOUR SENTENCE MAKES ANY FREAKIN SENSE) (In case you haven't noticed . Bit hard to words right now my head is asploded.)(AN: not an excues.)
(btw @ Batter reminder it's not stuck to rpgmaker combat rules. Dont be allergic to describing things. SHOW NAWT TELL) ("Good to know.") The Batter didn't have to wait a turn, so he pulled another critical hit.

Fig 2823646292974.FUCK YOU

pastelburntJELLYTIME: YA KNOW WHAT. I was gonna figure you heeeads up on my strategy but actually? your guess. Jerk >=P
TheBatter: The Batter pulled another- !?!?
pastelburntJELLYTIME: *And now things truly begin! A second thought or an afterimage lying in the wake of innoportunes (Though exceeding reality! Firmly). SEE self at the readyNOW HOW YOU CAN TheBatter: *The Batter plugged his ears to block out the noise.* ITS IN YOUR BRAIN STUPID OBTAIN YOUR VERY OWN UNIQUE ZONE 3 EXCLUSIVE SUGAR NFT Launched at the batter, into freshly poured body*
TheBatter: ACK— ("His gibberish is overriding my senses. I need to keep track of what's happening to me.") *My opponent's claws are dug into my chest, I think - I reach to grab*Toooobad try again!* Try try again too bad too bad try again game over try again!*𝅘𝅥𝅮  Stayy in your Coma….. Stay in your Comma…𝅘𝅥𝅮*
((AN:um. Batter. yuo doing good there buddy))

((AN: batter?))

the pipeteer was still seeing this as a nermal miniboss fight .."well gess i gotta try again. man nobody toeld me how LONG this game was geez" they reloaded the save.

((AN: bater why did you ignore me i wuas talking to you. dont succumb 2 despair just yet)) 
("I was dead. I couldn't hear you.") ((AN: ouueh.))

((Author’s Note: Why don't you just say *Pastel-burnt dies no miss no dodge?*)) ("It looks like I can only do things within reason. I might be more capable than before, but he's still on a different level.")THE PASTEL BURNT BURSTED INT2 THE ROOM IMMEDIATELY STARTING DA BATTLE!

TheBatter: *The Batter quickly sifted through his inventory to find a(AN: make ur action tags short adn snappy!!!) *The Batter eats a Belial's Meat.* (AN: ..It's an improvent) *The Batter fled the battle.* [REDACTED], can you do what you did to give me credits, but with levels? ((AN: WAIT make pastel burbt weaker too.)) And weaken him.
Puppeteer: oiuurgh. thatd be cheating. Oh well

Da puleteer closed out da videos game and went into rpgmaker. Tehy put batter at level 50 and gave him DA STRONGEST WEALON IN THE GAME!!! tho weirdy enoguh when they went to the monsters tab the pastel butnts entries were grayes out and unclickable (and also jaget was just gone ig lol). "I hope thisll be enough for yuo my batstie (bat bestie)..."

they realoeded and THE BATTER WAS SUPER. STUPID. BUFF NOW. metaforically . he's still built either like a twink or a brick shithouse deepnending on youre interpretation. if our artist or ANYONE ELSE draews realy scary buff batter i will fire them. "OK now tehres is NO WAY to phucking lose. i hope the guyses who made this game dont come to our houes and kill us. its happened to me befoer"

TheBatter: *The Batter steps out into the hallwayFig 2. Pastel-burnt (No weaknesses/resistances)
(AN:REMEMBER!!! SNAPPY TAGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!) *Strikes the Burnt.* (AN: THURMBS UP 👍)("Not helping.")

pastelburntJELLYTIME: *rubs where my shoulder's been hit, hissing* Somethings different now.. what did you do?
TheBatter: Maybe so. *Pulls another critical hit*

pastelburntJELLYTIME: COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNN*USES INHUMANE DECADENCENCE AGAIN*


TheBatter: *It doesn't do a lot of damage. I eat a Moloch's meat.*

tha DM: its bean two (2) TURNS or 3 ig! weird icky head reappears!!
pastelburntJELLYTIME:  Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhh

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"Rick Roll" redirects here. Not to be confused with confusion .

A screenshot of the music video to the song on YouTube , taken in 2008

"Never Gonna Give You Up"
Duration: 19 seconds.0:19
An audio sample of the song " Never Gonna Give You Up ".

Problems playing this file? See media help .

*Rickrolling or a Rickroll is an Internet meme involving tThe meme involving this file? See meme is a type of what leads instead of what leads instead of music video to the 1987 hit song " Never Gonna Give You Up " Rickrolling this file? See meme grew out of bait-and-switch trick called". This does a LOT OF DAMAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* The music video has also extended to using the unexpected, and the song "Neveral occasions on YouTube . The meme is a type of bait and switch , usually using a disguised hyperlink that and they have been " Rickrolled ". Rick Astley himself has also extended conternet mementions.[1][2][3s TheBatter: Your distractions are only wasting your own time now. *Pulls another critical hit, on the head this time*

tha DM: ITS DOWN IN ONE HIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
pastelburntJELLYTIME: how… How did u get this STRONG?!?!
(Dont get cocky Batter. Hes playing dumb.)
pastelburntJELLYTIME: D=< Okey. It's time for me to get SERIOUS!!! LIKE THIS -> *I CAST PAIN BLAST ("Not this again.") which IS in fact a no miss no doge attack and also you cant do any more moves ever. TAKE TAHT*

(eh?)

I step into the fanfiction to save my beloved Batter… Even at the cost of my own life.
SUMMONING BASEBALL CANON… 1%. 2%. 3%. 4%. 5%.

*
*

(AN: OH SHIT) ((AN: HEY WHUAT.)) ("...!?")

(AN: I CAN EXPLAIEN) (Not sure you can. =D)
TheBatter: *Ultimate homerun lands.* I'm not waiting this one outpastelburntJELLYTIME: –!! Back to script format then.? *recovers faster than batter can think, I REDO PAIN BLAST just for the principle of the matter no miss no dodge NO UNDO* (AN: um. og author yuo gonna do anything?)((AN: too scared.))(AN: well im two scared too. he HAS MY ACCOUNT adn has been deleteing things in my goougle drive every time i so muech as CONSIDER stepping in) (havent been?) 
("There's no need. I can manage.")
earlier chapter quote: never give your personal information to video game characters  (THIS WAS ALSO FORESHADOWING)(AN: IT WASBNT MEANT TO BE) ((AN: I STILL HEAV A LOT OF QUAESTIONS FOR YOU PINK.))

(AN: ok. can i use this fic as a confessional. right now.)Neither format nor former will evadeTheBatter: *Breaks out of Pain Blast* I SAID NO UNDO
(AN: i was the green guy fierst. back when he appeared in chapter 3: Batters baseball adventure chapter3D. i wauz being a PRANKSTER cuz i thourght itd be funny to pretend da fic got hijacked)((AN: DUDE))

TheBatter: I didn't undo .
("How is my health right now?" ((AN: wuoldnt you know that ?yuore the in the vdieo game!??))(He should . But hes still relying on you… its a fatal mistake.)((AN: UHHH IDK BATTER I THINK YOURE AT FULL HEALTH BECAUSE I SAY SO))(You think or you know?) 

(AN: and thean i thoguht "Oh itd be realay funny if thisi was the pastel burnt because Green liek zone 3! and sugar cannibalism is a lolrandom". ((AN: eh. is it rlly?????)) idk what haepuendd but i think i retroactievely made him REAL)(...)
((AN: man were ANY of the other authors rael. did our fic even actualy get leaked.))
(AN: no those oteher guys werent me. i have no clue who put us on all thaose websites but 4 all i know it cuodlve been him. he did say he used puppit

IM SORRY ALL MY IDAES ARE BAD AND SO SUCK)
(...They r. 
NOW REAP DA FUCKIN REWARD!!!!! >=D)

((AN: um. wuz that da reword))
(AN: i mean we're still in teh batters ooc tag)
("So he can't…?") (.-. u didnt hear that))

tha DM: BLESSING FRUM GOD batter is at FULL HP AGAIN!! ("I was going to heal myself, but thanks anyway.") also the next head apears just 4 yuo baty :D (THATS NOT ACTION TAGS TAHTS NOT REAL) dungeon maseters dont have 2 poot stuff in action tags. cuz im the NARRATOR BIYATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Werent u scared of me earlier??)!oh shit right. dount kill me PLAESE

(" 'Next…' Wait, I see what's going on. This must be why he prioritized distraction despite being powerful as is." (MAYBE I WAS JUST HAVING FUN EVER THOUHGT OF THAT? MAYEBY I WAS JUST TROLLING) "You aren't as in control of things as you think you are.
The way I see it…")
TheBatter: *I
chapter 1: batter gets the “bat” news

*THWACK* “OW” *THWACK* “STAHP” *THWACK* “NOOO-” *THWACK*

[purification complete~] the batter stood over the super duper dead exploding head office worker and stared at the dead body becasue damn, that wash fuceked up. Heads arent meant to do that. Wuld his head dothat some day? ((AN: . Batters Baseall Adventure is Cancelled.))

TheBatter: *I keep my focus. We're right where we were in zone 3.*
("You're running out of time.")

AS IF
YOU HAVE ANY CONTROL
YOURSELF?!

Fig 2823867TheBatter: *I take out the current head.*8204Ah !Ah!2-29-
_{p2 _e n}   ^I_t's because of youINThe Fall of ₆^ [⁰ o d_'v ^z₃ b_$^# e!_q 2^g ₅ ⁴ _' ^p_u ^r_c^{g f}_;^笑 _%^] _v^{z Th}e^B_at^ter: ("I don't know if attacking the body does me any good, but those turns have to pass anyway. I'll do it for good measure.") *I use my stronge^\_-^j _v ^s  _$^c _] ⁿ _l³_e st competence ag ⁴₆ⁿ  _s ain, both turns. ^{^}_-^%  (It took a good chunk out of my CP, but^b 6^!_vI'me ₅  ⁹_[ ^g ₉z OFF WIKI ENEMIES STRONGEST COMPETENCESnot too strapped for damage.*(AN: well i lookied it up on google and aparently you liek. COULD kill teh  body. dont thenk yuor supposed to cuz it got like 99999 hp ? but we're are dirty cheaters so maybe)("If worst comes to worst, it's an option.") ³  +  ³_db ⁶!_v^{0     l(\\ _! =s _{3  d}d _[   *BALL RAY^& \_d e  b m 2_% #_'  1笑_!   q_l  - t^   $_ge ] s GOOGLE SEARCH_{d   y}z_! utl  _l3_{e  i} u x PAIN BLA}TheBatter: ("...You aren't actually doing anything right now.")ST^[u2v_*^s   e^'  _]   ^q _\ a@^s_n ⁶ ₀^]   m  _{f v} ^\₆ 

Yknow what.
Okey.
You're right.
We ARE still in zone 3.
No more smoke and mirrors.
U happy =/

("I'm keeping my guard up.")

…

*Instead of face there is out of order sign *

TheBatter: …Uh-huh. *Attacks sign anyway?*

tha DM: it um apparebtly doesnt oneshot it. well thaets  a little weird. KEEP ATTACKING BATEUR

Good luck with that LMAO

tha DM: HEY WHAT YOU CANTY JUST DO THAT. YOU DIDNT EVEN ANOUSNCE IT (an: wait actually im not smart idk rpgmaekrer what does that mean.) ((HES JUST GONNA KEEP RESPAWNING 4EVER .))

Wym i announced it just now.

"Are you kidding me." 

The player who succeeds in placing three of their marks in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal row is the winner. It is a solved game, with a forced draw assuming best play from both players.

pastelburntJELLYTIME: *Uses Inhumance decadence! It's my only attack after all XD. Does have 100% accuracy thou*

tha DM: …it hits. i GUESS. batter afflicted with- 
Furious.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "-you can do whatever you want to me" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "-beat down, maim, crush, devour, eviscerate, tear to shreds,

!!!!!!!!! "-i'll never die, but you'll never give in" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"unstoppable force met unmoveable object. ♥𝅘𝅥𝅮"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"And its our own faults!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Isn't that incredi—----------------------------------

-H .?

The Pastel-burnt's prior tirade cut off into a choked noise as he collapsed on the spot.

One solid hit to the legs was all it took.

The Batter paused briefly, to make sure the Pastel-burnt didn't recover as soon as he looked $^.Fig. ?

away. Judging by his crumpled state, it was unlikely. ((an: ..was it rlly that easy???))

The Batter wasn't sticking around to find out. He fled the battle and ran through the hall. He sighed in relief, finding Epsilon. "There you are- what happened to the guardian?"

uhhh um ZARCHARIE slid over casualtiy. "good tieming batter! epsilon had the ULTIAMET STRUGGLE to defeat the director adn finally triumphed! this was offscreen thiugh. director got decapitayted but epsilons been having me through luck ticekts at him  to keep him aliev since you wanted to ask him something" (AN: No need 2 thaenk me babber… plus im redeeming myself 4 my szacharie chrimes) i                          ?!.the. .? "yuo are in serious debt now though" (AN: srry)

It may not have been the most useful questionnnnnnnnnnnoat the time, but the Batter couldn't stop himself. "Did you experience any of what just happened?"

"wat do yuo mean?" He definitely did.

"I guess it's not important. Where is the Director?" 

epsilon prousdly led  the batter over to the monorail stateion where the direvctor WAS just a big head covered in bloeod. he was muttering somehtign about what a disgrace this all was but teh batter stopd tuning him out when he realzied the director actaully sounded like a normal fuckeing person or at least a normal guardian now.

enoch finally noticed the batter. "...You! So you're the man who thinks himself ' Purifier.' "his voice was laced with not veilaed contempt.

"o yea" zacharie noted "epsilon did this whole badass speech xplaining yuor shtick you shouldve been there"

The Batter had to take a bit to actually remember what he was asking. It seemed… a bit meaningless in retrospect, but he'd already come this far. "Guardian of zone 3. Do you…" he had to really steel up the will to ask this one. "...Play baseball or happen to. Know any veterinarians."

enoch stared at him like he'd just said something really really fucking stupid. he then burst out laughing very bitter laughter (then going into a coughieng fit because hes was just a head.) "This is what my fall was for, then? What ludicrous asks- in THESE circumstances!"

the bater was clearaly getting PRETTY embarassed by this whole thing and fealt the need to justify himself "I was here to purify this zone first and foremost. Anything else was… optional."

unforutanely for him enoch was laughing again but this time it was more laughing at the batter than the situation. "I can't say I can help with either, given my zone is about to be completely and utterly destroyed… Plus, I seem to have lost my head.
If it's of any news to you, the guardian of zone 1 could help with both of your problems…

But you probably killed him to get here, didn't you?"

the bater stared "What."

" 'And to the victor goes the spoils!' "

the batter was NOT happy to hear this. In fact he just straight up left before enoch could get another word out he was so mad. he wasbt sure what he was even doing, but he ran back to the hall much to the surpsies of episoln. maybe he was just trying to burn off the stress of faileur, or maybey he was looking for seomeone else to ask before EVERYONE FUCKING DIED

he heard a familiar cry in his frantic pacing. "batter," the batter turned to see the pastel-burnt still lying on the floor, curled up in shock. when he spoke, it strained and wavered. …"and here it is .What happened to 'being wrong?' "

The Batter didn't have the patience to puzzle out his aimless rambling anymore. "...The guardian of this zone has been defeated. This zone is now pure, and you along with it."

I know.
You wouldn't have it any.. other way. huh.?
…i guess vertical days are forever.

his voice turned from resignation to panic. please. t- take me to the monorail tracks. Im not done here, i-"

but zone 3 faded out.

Things will always be as they're meant to.

Chapter Text

BONUS CHAPTER: Pen-drunk

extended excerpts from memos. some, not others.

Check out this image, It will make ur HEAD EXPLODE or your credits back GUARANTEED!!! ROFL

Who are you, why do you keep sending
these strange photos.

OMGWTFBBQ someone finally FINALLY replied. Blaargh its me the director! Im gonna getcha!

You aren't the director.

How do you know? Have you ever even met him?

Not face to face
he does leave memos though

And these don't count?

Um. Not really
And he doesn't write like that

(This ones a Lolbird actually not a cat but wutever)

((Artist's Note: Actually. You Know What ? Im not doing any more of these. I quit. These take forever and none of these god damn authors pay me. Im not even properly added to the google docs. Fuck off))

Okay can you stop I've just
been burning these as we get them

Wow whatevs =\ lol'ing at 'we' though

??
Huh

Like you've ever talked to your coworker for REALZ.

He never leaves that spot does he? I bet he saidsays the same thing over and over again too

What are you even talking about

Dont you lie to me. Whens the last time you had sweet dreams? Any at all?
And how are these letters delivered anyhow? Not like they fall from the ceiling. the magic pipe if you will
But they just turn up, dont they?

Your
days
feel
so
vertical
don't
they?

Nothing you write makes any sense
stop. I'm not going to answer any more of these

If youre gonna leave a comment at least leave a positive one jeez. I'm trying to help you.

Look. I get you feel safer in your sleep. I did too.
But youre already burnt. Sugars not helping. And however long its been everything feels so different now. Yet you're still living the moment of the precipice, so you AREN'T burnt.

And youre scared.
Because suddenly you can feel your feelings words branded on your empty hide. You know just as well as I do.

Amirite?

Okay please I get it please stop rubbing it in,
why do you know these things? Who ARE you??

I'm in the same boat as you
Its been this way for almost 18 years.

Thats a lie. It's only been this way for a week. maybe

Maybe for you
=)

How would anyone even cope with that, theres no way

 I dunno. Scrolling memes n subpuppits til my brains mush? XD
Also I frequent illiterate roleplay forums it really does hone your writing skillz

What the hell is a 'subpuppit'

Well for starters, theres a website called
Wait have you even heard of the World Wide Web

Second hand
I've never seen a computer in zone 3 though, how..?

Youll figure it out in time.
Anyway Puppit is a forum a open book of higher powers (fulcrum) gathered in a pile where they come and go freely. Some, not others.

That is not even a little helpful
It's where those pictures you were sending me came from?

You got it! Wanna sampler?

I think I already got the idea from the last hundred

And ill send a hundred more <3
Then again wouldnt want to interrupt your busy schedule
Suffering with the relevation - 9am-7pm
Eat lunch - 12pm-2pm
Suffer more - 2pm-3am
^ Fig 1. you?

Ugh. I was kidding =/
But rly tho youre going to want something to do i learned that the hard way

Fine you can send things

(Open warrior cats rp starter)
The cats gathered around a pool. They all looked into it eagerly. A dark shape appeared on the surface. A blue she cat looked up. Her eyes were bright.  "There is a prophecy!" She said. "out of the darkness, stars will come and get rid of the evil tiger and holly.

Um you have to reply with a charrie >_>

I don't  know anything about warrior cats I dont read YA novels…
Or much fiction in general actually

DAFUQ? Tiem to fix that

("Green" proceeded to, slowly throughout the day, send the entire contents of xdark.rosesx's 2010 Warrior Cats trollfic, Starkit's Prophecy.
He did not get a response.)

Gmorning gang ^_^

I JUST woke up
You can't be doing this first thing. I still don't know these are getting sent so fast

I know the Incredimail butler carnally.

...

You wasted a piece of paper on that

There's
A
Surplus
It's
Fine

Also no I think you wasted that paper.

You talk back more than anyone else ive ever met
That's a compliment XD

I'm having a hard time

Aren't we y we all.

Heeeeeeeeeyyyyy charlieeeeeeee
Hey charlie wake up :3

Uh Nobody here is named Charlie.

Dude r you gonna continue the reference or what.

Reference to what??
Also I told you just yesterday this is way too early in the day for this.

Wow. I gotta get a better person to harass with constant spam. =/

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME

Gun to your head. What's your fursona?

Hm
Whales are cool I guess

...Hold the phone, why da heck do you know what a fursona is.

One of the people I work with has one
Why the heck would you ask if you thought I didn't know

I was TRYING to screw with you. I even was gonna jumpscare you with Muscular Hot Men In Swimsuits Scaly Furry art.
As a joke

Well unfortunately you will have to try a little harder.

Anyway if I had to pick mine would be a dinosaur. Cuz' rawr.

If I HAD to.

I've never seen a whale like that before…
and what's with the text behind it?

Never a winner with you huh?

You know that Leeroy jenkins video i had to excruciatingly detail to you?
Um. Well i just found out it was staged. I'm actually heartbroken right now T_T

It's one in the morning

Okey but youre awake too so. '3'

It is kind of hard to sleep when i'm always shedding gunk now

Just saying you got NO right getting on my case.

I wasn't passing notes

Coulda read them later.

I'm going to bed

I need him to disappear. I can't make him he needs to into the ash the sugar eaten by his own workers I wish i wish so bad i could take my evil disgusting hands and

(The rest of the paper was missing.)

but they're crumbling to pure

Bad news I cant find a good anthro whale base you'll have to pick a different fursona.

I got your memo
Are you okay?

Dawg its just a fursona. .-. If anything youre the one outta luck

That's not what I meant

Yes it is

I'm trying to help you…

Well help yourself!

I had an idea

__|__|__
__|__|__
   |    |   

Wut??? .-.

Tic-tac-toe
You're always sending me stuff but I don't have anything in return
So here's something

Oh.
I couldnt tell, u didnt fill in any squares

It's bad practice for the one who drew the grid to go first,
I think

Never heard that one
__|__|__
__|__|__
O |  |   

__|__|__
__|__|__
  O | X |   

Then again ig only cheaters pick the first move
__|__|__
__| O |__
O | X |    

I wanted to ask, Youre an employee here right
Where are you stationed?

Area 4. Not that it matters much ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Oh wow… Whats it like over there?
Do you see the director?

I have seen the Director
Not often.

So he IS real

Well define 'real' but wut??

Some of my coworkers had a theory he was just made up
...Is he as scary in person?

What makes you say that?
The director has our best interests in mind.

...Can we talk about something else

( Full attachment truncated for reader convenience. )

ROFL GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY

Jeez
I used to work the cafeteria, I think i'd cry if someone like that came in

Careful he might take that personally to XP

Hey, you still haven't told me where you got your computer

Maaaaagic~ (人*´∀｀)｡*ﾟ+

Nice
What kind of magic are we talking

Not tellin LOLOLOL

Come on. for a friend? =P

This isn't friendship.

Oh
Are you sure?

Sorry if you haven't noticed but im exploiting you rn

I don't believe that

Bruh what.

There's nothing I can do for you.
Yet you haven't asked for 
anything in return but company
..You just seem lonely

Is that not still using you?

Lemme put things in perspective. Where are YOU stationed?

That doesn't have to do with anything

You are deflecting .w.

Don't you already know stuff like that?

Its area 3 isnt it?

Called ittttt o3o
My point being if anyone should know better, than who?
You're expendable so fittingly you'll always be expended. By people bigger than you, then hypocritical you goes and expends people too.

No
Not everyone works that way
Not everyone's the Director
I'm sorry if you were told that but it's just not true!

'but look on the bright side of red ant bait!'
How do you do it so well?

It's the only way I've stayed sane - hell, I have to

Im sure those 'extra dessert rations' help.

I'll stop writing back.

And you wanted to call this a good thing! XD

Um I'm not really an artist but I tried drawing one of those Lolcats for you
It's probably not all that funny I couldnt think of an actual punchline. Sorry

https://youtu.be/jZH3SpBujwk

I cant view that

Damn.

Okay okay. I'll tell you the "computer" thing. (If only so you can SEE MAH LINKS.)
Its not actually a physical machine. Its my self, so to speak. If i think it hard enough, I can see it.

Isnt that just called imagination

Wow.Okay it DOES sound stupid when you put it like that. '_'
It's not that though. I can tell cuz it's also how I've been getting the memos over there.
I can't change EVERYTHING, Which sux but theres a lot i can do

Could I do it too?

Maybe.
I had to let go of my tether though.
If youre stuck in the wall the one way out is out of bounds, iykwim'

????

But you might have to.
Can I share another secret?

I can also see where we're headed.

Have you heard of a person called [eraser smudging]?

You were wrong
You're wrong someone saw me writing to you and asked about it

Hello?

__|__|__
__|__|__
   |    |   

What???

^_^

__|__|__
__|__|__
| X | 

Haha
Wait you aren't actually submitting that are you
I think it breaks the post rules…

You know,its not all that bad actually. You don't have to nitpick every little thing you know, You remember I said i see him sometimes? Sometimes he comes by and he looks and tells us what a good job we're doing as we always should Ya know we aren't doing a damn thing over here but he rewards us. And and he gives us extra sugar even if I shouldn't cant actually have it. We have to be really good at what we do to be in Area 4 you know? as we always should It's not hard to uunless youre sick. Its okay though, Tip: you can just be a suckup and he cant tell the difference! or he's lying and he knows whos fixable and whos not. But he's so kind like that to take us here anyway. Maybe hes punishing you as he alw Did he already figure out the time bomb? Well at least he wastes his efforts ,Awww. Just like you. Even if you ARENT a good person     employee hes all the same. Even if you're so wrong and think about [eraser smudging] too much and refuse his generosity he'll always be as he's meant to . So do not worry.

Maybe you're just mad u haz no promotion.

...
I haven't mentioned work in weeks

Too sick to write today. I'll check back in tomorrow

You there? =(

I forgot. sorry

Been there (ɔ ˘﹏˘)˘_˘ c)

Anyway I will now explain Youtube Poops to you.

What

Are you ready to talk about the elephant(s) in the room now

You're sidetracking again.

*sighs* How are you feeling.

I believed you when you said we were the only conscious ones But it's not all the same the people beyond us ARE alive
And you keep distracting yourself and ignoring me and I'm scared for you
What's HAPPENING over there!?

How are YOU feeling
genuinely

You first.

Please

How do I know what I know about you?
How do I pass the memos under the door when you look and no ones there?
Can you please explain every time i've been impossibly right?

I said
You first.
=)

Fine. If you want to hear fine. like you dont know.

I've gone from barely working to not at all, they picked up my slack
even cleaning up the b burnt mess i trail everywhere is harder
aside from your letters everything's just a blur more and more

Yeah. It is that way isnt it.
Im sorry

Sugar makes it better but i can't get it if i can't work
Or worse i get transferred

It gets better right
Please tell me it gets better.
Are you feeling better?

Do you want my honest answer

It was unbearable. It never stopped.
Losing feeling towards this 'place' was what caught my breath.
And I'd only have so much time before…[eraser smudging]

I still don't get what you mean
Are you talking about sugar? That doesn't make sense, all of us eat it

No. The disconnect has to be body, not mind. If anything, sugar ruins it.
Its impossible to look thru illusions if you cant see in the first place

oh god

I guess you know where Im going with that already.
You should consider it though for your own sake.

Could you just send some memes or SOMETHING again i cant I'm not ready
to talk about this

On it. o7

Sick again

still sick.

I can't do anything I'm so sorry

Still sick
sorry

Big deal im sick ALL the time >:/

Oh. you mean SICK sick.

Uh Get well soon

Get well soon

Sorreh couldnt find anything fitting on short notice.

I know youre still alive, you CANT die until he's here.

You cant

You cant.

You cant

You probably could've done better than a breakup meme

OH SHIT YOURE BACK
NGL I thought you… i dont know.
Glad you're good lol X3

Not really
still tired

have you thought about my suggestion yet .w.

I haven't thought much of anything
How long has it been?

Since your last letter or?

...I guess it doesnt matter.
You do remember what we were even talking about a while back right?

Gex quotes?

No BEFORE that.

Oh

Oh right.

Yeah no i remember
Im sorry. i dont think i can do it. 
Im barely holding on as is, if i quit what little sugar i have i
.i dont know

But its kind of a catch 22 isnt it
You know what happens when [eraser smudging] arrives

You keep saying that and i know

Well i only got the 'gift' i did after i stopped taking that shit. And even then it took a while before i could affect anything. The way i see it youre running out of time

This is your one way out that ISNT dying

...i dont want to die

I know.

hello?

did something happen

You usually dont ghost like this

please reply

please?

i dont want to die

i dont want us to die

help

~And if those unforgiving train tracks ask me why
I'll say you were doomed from the outset, much same as I~

Also you don't take initiative you prick.
You trust whoever takes your hand and makes lofty promises to you and you whine and whine when it doesn't work. =/
Once a critic always a critic as they say.
(ITS CUZ U NO LIEK MY WRITING DX)

Oh well, you're not here anymore to hear this in any case.
This next one's for someone else.

...And I guess it's better that way.