Chapter Text
Lucifer was dozing off on their throne one day, snoring and drooling and slumping over, when a blunt clap echoed throughout the room. “Quit sleeping, you idiot!” Lucifer shot upward and wiped the drool from their cheek with a frown.
“What’s so important that you had to interrupt my precious nap?” The woman across from Lucifer gestured to herself.
“Me, obviously.”
“And who are you?”
“Jane Murdstone.”
“Why are you even here, exactly?” Jane knelt on the ground and bowed her head reverently.
“Because I’m—regrettably—very attracted to you, and I saw your announcement.” Lucifer laughed despite the obligatory monochrome flashback that snapped before their eyes.
“You think I care?”
I, Lucifer Morningstar, am so very depressed and so very alone! Somebody, please come and court me to relieve me of my pain! I can’t do this anymore!
Mazikeen had distributed that without telling Lucifer.
Lucifer had executed her accordingly.
“Lucifer, I’m better for you than they are,” Jane said. “I promise. If you’re going to choose someone, choose me.”
“I’m sorry, you’re better for me than who is?” Three other women barged into the room, toppling over each other as Lucifer grimaced. “Oh.”
“Lucifer!” one of them called out. “Lucifer, it’s me! Jan Stevens!”
“Who?”
“I met you in a dream once! We laid eggs together, remember?” Lucifer raised their eyebrows.
“No, actually. That must have slipped my mind.” Jan reached out to stroke Lucifer’s cheek and smiled.
“I’d love to lay another egg for you.”
“Good luck with that.” Another one of the women kissed the back of Lucifer’s hand, and they sighed exhaustedly. “Why are there so many of you? I made sure to destroy Mazikeen before that stupid prank got out of hand.” Jane frowned.
“You destroyed Mazikeen over a prank?”
“It was warranted!”
“Obliteration of the soul is a very special thing that should be reserved for just the right moment,” Jan said. “If there’s a right moment at all.”
“That was just the right moment. Trust me.”
“Would Mazikeen agree with you?”
“Doesn’t matter; she’s gone.”
“You’re horrible,” Jane said.
“Shut your trap.”
“Ignore them,” the woman who had kissed Lucifer’s hand said. “I’m Brienne.”
“Last name?”
“Of Tarth.” Lucifer finally glanced at the woman standing in the back of the room and cocked their head.
“And you?”
“Larissa Weems, the late principal of Nevermore Academy.”
“How come you’re not showering me with affection like these three degenerates are?”
“Because I’m not here to seduce you.”
“Ah.” Lucifer chuckled. “You just died at the wrong time, huh?”
“Seems like it.”
“You all have very similar facial structures, you know,” Lucifer said. “Similar to mine, actually.”
“We must have been made in your image,” Jan whispered with a giggle. Jane rose to her feet and stepped closer to Lucifer.
“Do you want me to whip them into submission? I’d be more than happy to.” She cast a quick smile towards Jan. “Especially with that one.”
“Please just leave me alone. All of you.” Brienne shook her head.
“We can’t leave you by yourself! What if trouble comes your way?”
“I’m the dark lord; I don’t need your protection.”
“Good company, then? I’m loyal to a fault.”
“Hard pass.” Jane and Jan were suddenly kissing very aggressively, and Lucifer groaned. “Get away from me already!” Brienne pouted up at Lucifer.
“That wasn’t directed at me, was it?”
“It absolutely was! Jan, Jane, get a room. Brienne, go find someone else to cling onto. And Larissa—” Lucifer trailed off and pursed their lips. “Let’s get you situated for your afterlife of eternal torment.” Jane and Jan stumbled towards the doorway, and Jane scowled back at Lucifer while Jan briefly caught her breath.
“We’ll be back, you fluffy little asshole.”
“But until then,” Jan whispered to Jane just loudly enough for everyone to hear, “I’m going to make you into a living, breathing nest.” Jane shrugged.
“I’ve done stranger things.” The two of them kissed their way down the hall, and Lucifer glared at Brienne.
“Shoo.”
“But, my lord—”
“Scram!”
“Do you need anything?”
“To be free from the torture device that is you.” Brienne trudged out of the room with her eyes glued to the floor, and Lucifer clicked their tongue. “What were the chances all those imbeciles would materialize on my doorstep at the same time?” Larissa smiled.
“Two to one.”
“An egg lady, a sadist, and a knight. What a crew.” Lucifer grinned. “Not to mention a very fascinating principal.”
“Stop right there.”
“Why should I?”
“Because they all want you, Lucifer.”
“So? I don’t want any of them.” Lucifer wrinkled their nose. “Jane and Jan already have each other, and that poor Brienne is just a lost cause.”
“Can I get started on my punishment already and be done with this?”
“Of course.”
“Really?”
“Yes! Your punishment is to stay with me at all times.” Larissa crossed her arms and gave Lucifer a pointed look. “What?”
“Lucifer, I’m not doing that.”
“You are, actually, because I told you to.” Jan’s manic laughter rang out from wherever she and Jane had scurried off to, and Lucifer rolled their eyes. “She must have just laid an egg.”
“How is she even able to do that?” Lucifer smiled.
“We could take a little peek and find out.”
“No! God, no.”
“My guess is that she’s partially a bird. With a cloaca.”
“Lucifer.”
“It’s just a hypothesis!”
“Let’s keep it that way.” Lucifer rested their head on their hand and sighed.
“How’d you die, Larissa?”
“I got murdered.”
“Oh! Fun.” Lucifer chuckled. “That explains why you’re so standoffish.”
“I’ve always been like this, actually.”
“Yikes.” Brienne came bolting back into the room, and Lucifer glowered at her. “I told you to leave, Brienne.”
“You never specified how long you wanted me gone for, and I got worried that Larissa was hurting you.” Larissa furrowed her brow.
“Excuse me?”
“You’re very morally ambiguous,” Brienne said warily. “I just know it.”
“No shit! We’re in Hell!”
“At least I’m here for a good cause!”
“Serving the devil?” Brienne frowned.
“God has enough help as is, Larissa. I’d rather stick up for the underdogs.”
“I am under absolutely no circumstances an underdog,” Lucifer said coldly.
“You are, though, my lord.”
“Maybe I will have Jane whip you, on second thought.” Brienne smiled bashfully and clasped her hands behind her back.
“I wouldn’t be opposed to that.”
“What?” Larissa and Lucifer asked in horrified unison.
“Just forget I said anything.”
“I wish I could,” Larissa said. Lucifer shook their head disappointedly.
“Brienne, you have severe issues.”
“Not as many as Jane and Jan do.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” Brienne held out a bouquet of wildflowers and giggled. “These are for you, my lord.”
“I hate to see beautiful things flourish.”
“Well, the flowers are dead.”
“So is Larissa. Being dead doesn’t stop you from being beautiful.” Larissa dug her nails into Lucifer’s wing, and they shuddered slightly. “Please—stop.”
“I didn’t realize Larissa was a part of the competition,” Brienne said. Lucifer laughed and swatted Larissa’s hand away.
“If this whole thing’s a competition, then all of you lose. End of story.”
“One of us has to win, my lord! That’s how competitions work.”
“Fine. You win. What do you want, a trophy?”
“No! We have to actually compete. Fairly.”
“Ew.”
“And the winner is whoever you choose to love.”
“Love isn’t a choice.” Lucifer chuckled. “I don’t think I could force myself to love any of you even if I tried my very hardest.”
“Just give it time.”
“That won’t help.”
“Yes, it will.”
“Are you always this stubborn?” Brienne shrugged. “Fine. Go tell Jane and Jan that they’re in this silly little competition. It’ll be good to keep them occupied with something other than their carnal affairs.”
“As you wish, my lord.” Brienne valiantly marched down the hallway, and Lucifer shoved their face into their hands.
“They’re all idiots. Complete and utter idiots.”
“I could’ve told you that,” Larissa said.
“You’re the only one with half a brain.”
“Combined with your half a brain, maybe we can actually average out to the intelligence of a regular person.”
“Maybe.”
“Huge emphasis on the ‘maybe.’” Lucifer laughed.
“That’s what I just implied!”
“Is it?”
“You’re very argumentative.”
“You’re very observant.” Just then, Jane and Jan burst through the doorway and scrambled up to Lucifer as Brienne stood behind them with wide eyes.
“The things I just saw,” Brienne said slowly, “are too disturbing to even describe.” Jan began to play with Lucifer’s hair, and Jane simply glared at them.
“You’re so bouncy and magical and squishy and adorable!” Jan squealed as she crushed Lucifer’s curls in her hands. “Just like a mutated, grossly oversized lamb!”
“I think your hair looks ridiculous,” Jane said. “And that white robe isn’t fooling anyone.” Jan started to chomp on Lucifer’s hair, giggling to herself.
“Your hair would be the perfect nest for whimsical little lamb eggs.”
“Lambs are mammals,” Jane said.
“So am I, and you saw how well I did.” Jane smiled.
“I won’t deny that you were surprisingly talented. How a human can even lay eggs with that much precision and genuine artistry is beyond me.”
“Precision?” Brienne asked. “Seriously?”
“She got them into my mouth every time!” Larissa and Lucifer shared a disgusted look, and Jane crossed her arms. “What’s wrong with you two?”
“Neither of you have said a word since we came in,” Jan said through a mouthful of Lucifer’s hair. Brienne frowned.
“It is a bit odd.” Lucifer tilted their head back (as much as they could with Jan latched onto them like some demented sort of leech) and smiled at Larissa.
“Shall we introduce the competition?” Larissa nodded vigorously.
“Please.” Lucifer nudged Jan aside and rose from their throne with their hands pressed against one another as if they were, in their own strange way, praying.
“I’m sure Brienne already enlightened the two of you on the fact that you’re in this competition in the first place, but I hardly gave her any more details than that.” Lucifer grinned. “I’m going to put you all through a series of trials that will greatly challenge your resilience—primarily your psychological resilience, to be more specific—and whoever performs the best overall will win the grand prize of my undying love!”
“Are you telling the truth?” Brienne asked.
“That’s for me to know and you to find out.” Jan pouted and spit out a few stray hairs.
“Why can’t you just be more straightforward?”
“Because that would ruin the mystery!”
“I’m starting to hate you more and more by the second,” Jane said as Lucifer perked up.
“Oh! Perfect.”
“Don’t get me wrong: I’m still very attracted to you.”
“Dammit.”
“Actually, wanting to rip your face off is only making the attraction stronger.” Jane pressed herself to Lucifer’s side, and Larissa sharply shoved her away.
“Give them their personal fucking space.” Jane smiled smugly.
“What, are you jealous?”
“All I am is sick and tired of your shenanigans.” Lucifer’s eyes started to twitch, but they kept their smile frozen in place.
“Enough of this senseless bullshit. Time for the first trial!” They snapped their fingers, and the three musketeers suddenly vanished.
“Where’d they go?” Larissa asked. Lucifer pointed to the far wall, where a projection of them spanned from the floor to the ceiling. They were sitting side-by-side in a white room as a demon came inside to splatter paint onto the wall across from them. “Lucifer,” Larissa said with a grin, “don’t tell me you’re making them watch paint dry.” Lucifer laughed brightly.
“I absolutely am.”