Work Text:
At 23:07 Charlie Spring has made up his mind.
This unbearable pain must stop. No more suffering for him and the people in his life. He’s put his parents, siblings and Nick through more than enough by now.
Ever since Nick and Charlie started dating, Charlie knew Nick deserved a better person to spend his life with. He still doesn’t understand why Nick didn’t break up with him after Charlie continually hurt his partner and himself. How could someone as warm-hearted and drop-dead gorgeous as Nick Nelson possibly be in love with someone like Charlie? He’ll do Nick a favor by finally ending things.
At first his loved ones will probably feel devastated, but devastation will turn into grief and soon the grief will fade into a distant memory. Charlie hopes to be fondly remembered after his passing.
23:16
Everything Charlie needs to execute his final plan is displayed in front of him, this is the moment he's been obsessively thinking about for years.
The only thing he had struggled with when making his preparations was writing his farewell message. After countless attempts at drafting a letter Charlie decided he’d write it just prior to carrying out his final steps so he would be in a state of tranquility.
23:18
Charlie reaches for his notebook and a felt-tip pen because they’re Nick's favorite and inerasable which feels correct in this situation. Nothing can erase Charlie's fate and nobody will be able to erase the stains of Charlie’s words.
23:20
He inhales slowly as he starts to write.
Dear reader,
I’m sorry that I couldn’t stay. This note is meant for my family, friends and Nick. I owe it to you, who loved and cared for me even when I didn’t deserve it, to at least leave a note.
23:25
This is harder than Charlie expected it to be. His heart aches at the thought of Nick's face when he’ll read his letter. His eyes water when he thinks of Olly who will no longer have a big brother to look up to, though it’s probably for the better because Charlie is not someone his little brother should want to be like.
Charlie skips a line of the ruled paper to signify the start of a new paragraph.
A topic he feels obligated to discuss close to the beginning of his note is culpability. He doesn't want his loved ones to read through the entire text wondering if they're to blame for his actions. For Charlie knows he is the only person responsible for the circumstances that led to this moment.
The letter will illustrate how his life story has reached the final chapter and how Charlie simply ran out of pages to fill.
23:30
The sound of the felt-tip pen sliding across the sheet of paper commences, Charlie knows precisely what he wants to write about and starts putting words down with confidence.
When I was younger I used to think one hour felt like a lifetime.
Long car rides to friends' birthday parties.
A sports practice.
Playing outside during the summer evenings just before bedtime.
Watching a movie I’d never seen before.
Staring at the ceiling in my room eager for a new day to start.
Hours felt like whole days of opportunities.
Now days feel like hours. They feel like a short fragment of time and probably not a memorable one at that. One quick blink and the morning will have turned into night again, and again and again. I lost control of what I understood time to be. Spinning and circling without any sense of perspective in the same box, over and over again.
23:37
Firstly he will share some pleasant moments from his past. Charlie feels grateful and smiles a little when reminiscing on the fun he used to have. He feels his eyes starting to water once more. This was supposed to be a composed experience so he could disconnect his feelings and write down clear-headed thoughts.
Regardless of things not going according to plan Charlie resumes writing.
One hour can change your life. Most hours are spent thoughtlessly, it’s easy to lose track of them. Days and weeks and months filled with countless hours go by before realization hits: I have wasted all of my precious time.
Alone in my room crying.
Isolating myself from everyone I love.
Hating myself.
Wishing for my time to end.
Looking at the past or future will not get me my hours back. It is hard to be present like I used to be. When all I could feel or think about was the very moment I was actively experiencing.
23:45
Satisfied with what he wrote down, Charlie makes sure to take a moment to think about what he’s going to write next. It’s impossible for him to stop crying, but he's determined to keep it from affecting the outcome of his efforts.
The tires of a car moving quickly on the road while other vehicles drove past. The excitement of getting to see my friends again.
Crisp cold air filling my lungs while running on the track. Focusing solely on reaching the finish line.
The sun slowly sets as I’m laughing with my brother and sister, jumping up and down and up again on a trampoline.
Being completely tuned into watching scenes appear on the television screen.
Morning sunlight creeping into my sleep-filled eyes. Listening to the birdsong as the day began anew.
23:53
Charlie starts sobbing at this point, teardrops falling onto the partially dried sentences. The freshly written characters start merging with the salty tears and consequently the ink starts bleeding and smudging.
The words aren’t as permanent or fixed as Charlie expected them to be.
As Charlie tries to dry the paper pages by patting them with his sleeves he conceptualizes what he should write about after he finishes removing the droplets of water.
23:58
Tears burning down my cheeks. A lonely hollow feeling weighing me down.
The comfort and safety of my warm bed while I see my phone light up in my peripheral vision. Ignoring everything, too exhausted to think about the consequences.
Avoiding mirrors and being scared of what would appear in them. Not being able to go for a walk without fearing the judging looks from people on the street.
Thinking that everything would be bettered by my absence. Sleeping in cold, depressing hospital beds. Hurting the people I love most and losing myself.
While reading through what he's written down Charlie realizes that his story hasn’t reached the epilogue yet.
Sooner or later the seemingly everlasting sadness will dissipate and he’ll be able to create new happy memories to get him through difficult times, just like he did in the past. Charlie recognizes that he needs to be alive if he wants to be able to experience these memorable and joyful hours.
At 00:07 Charlie changed his mind.
He adds one last passage to the note he'll cherish and hold onto forever as a reminder to stay focused on what he values most in life.
I hope that one day I can be appreciative of the hours I spent fighting to survive and learn to accept that I'll continue to spend my hours that way at times. I hope I can learn to be present again, grateful to experience all the hours yet to come.
One hour may not magically make my whole life perfect, but it gives me a chance to try again.