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She hadn’t intended to walk so far from the farewell celebration. But the night air, the picturesque views, the sound of the ocean lapping against the shore and the company had all been contributing factors in her desire to leave the resort.
Chakotay had followed along without any protest, of course, just as happy for the fresh air as Kathryn, she guessed.
Time spent with her friend was becoming a rare thing indeed. Even their dinners were becoming an infrequent occurrence, much to Kathryn’s dismay. She missed him. Perhaps that was why she’d fallen into a meandering pace. Prolonging their time on this beach seemed selfish, though he certainly didn’t seem to be in much of a hurry.
“This place reminds me of Fiji,” Chakotay commented, permeating the silence that had fallen over them. It hadn’t been an awkward silence. Their time together was always comfortable.
Kathryn hadn’t noticed the similarities until he pointed it out, but he was right. The smell of the air, the tropical temperature; even the colour of the sand, the water and the plant life were close to Fiji, at least what she remembered of it. “You’re right, that little resort Cadets used to visit, to celebrate the end of exams.”
He met her eyes and gave a beautiful dimpled grin that fit perfectly with their surrounds. “That was exactly what I was thinking of.”
She returned his smile and motioned to the water. “You could certainly convince me that we’re home.”
Chakotay sniffed a laugh, following her gaze over the ocean. “If only.” His wistful response certainly wasn’t what she’d come to expect from him. He’d always seemed so at home wherever he was, even when they’d been trapped on New Earth he’d taken to the place without hesitation or complaint. In fact, she wasn’t sure she’d ever heard anything so – negative from him.
He must have sensed her eyes on him. He glanced over and gave another smile, this one barely seeming to touch his eyes. “Sorry, I’m just tired.”
She understood what he was saying. Their seven years in the Delta Quadrant were beginning to take their toll on him. Even the strongest willed person would wear out eventually. “I miss home too,” she told him, her own quiet show of support.
He sniffed and smiled softly. She’d obviously hit right on the mark.
“Ten steps is strolling, a hundred steps is moving,” he responded thoughtfully.
She faced him again giving a lopsided grin to show her curiosity. “What does that mean?”
He chuckled lightly and shook his head. “It’s something my father used to say – to be honest I’m not really sure what it means.”
Kathryn gave an amused sniff. “Perhaps it means the more effort you put into something, the further you get.”
“That’s what I always figured,” he responded. “And that seemed fitting, in our case –” he frowned thoughtfully. “In Voyager’s case,” he amended.
She wasn’t entirely too sure what he’d meant by that comment. Was he implying that their friendship was failing? She glanced away, back toward the water. She wasn’t certain she could live without his companionship. The idea stilled the breath in her throat and caused her heart to clench painfully in her chest; so much so that she had to take a deep, calming breath, in an effort to hide her reaction.
“What are you looking forward to when we get home?” he asked out of the blue.
She was glad for the distraction; glad that he still seemed to want to talk.
A hundred things ran through her mind. There were so many things that plagued her constantly, the Maquis, Tom Paris, the Equinox crew, Seven, Icheb and the Doctor for a start. All were facing a tough time on Voyager’s return and she was going to have a hell of a time fighting for them. She’d already begun drafting letters for their defence. What she was truly looking forward to was Starfleet officially pardoning those who needed it and giving them the rights they deserved.
This wasn’t what he was after, though. This would take their conversation to place she wasn’t eager to visit. Of course there were many other things she couldn’t wait for. The first that sprang to mind was: “My family.
“I miss my mother and Phoebe dearly. I’d give anything for my sister to do any of the aggravating things she used to do to me when we were young.”
He laughed at that. “As much trouble as my sister was, I agree. I’d love to see her again.”
She could count on one hand the number of times he’d spoken of his sister before. She waited with a patient smile, hoping he might elaborate, but he gave her another curious grin. “What else?”
There were many other things, some along the same lines as her earlier thoughts. She was really looking forward to no longer being in command all day every day. She’d be crazy if she wasn’t willing to admit that she needed a break. No break would come though, not until Voyager returned. Regardless of what Chakotay had said a couple of years beforehand, about their circumstances not being her fault, they were her responsibility.
She forced herself to think of happier thoughts. “Snow,” she replied.
This earned another amused laugh. “Snow?”
“Yes,” she responded hotly. “Snow, I love snow. I love seeing the fields surrounding my mother’s property in Indiana, covered in pure white. Phoebe and I used to get into snowball fights almost every year.”
Chakotay guffawed, eyes wide and full of amusement. “Captain Kathryn Janeway in a snowball fight with her sister, now that’s something I’d like to see!”
“When we return I’ll take you there for Christmas so you can experience the lot,” she promised. It hadn’t occurred to her that she’d gotten carried away until she saw the look of surprise on his face. She wanted to append her invitation and say ‘as her friend’ or ‘my mother would want to meet my first officer’, but that wasn’t exactly true. In her heart, deeply buried under years of forced repression and denial, she’d always hoped that, once Voyager returned to Earth, she’d be able to take Chakotay to her home, and not just as first officer or friend. So she closed her mouth and gave a warm smile, hoping he understood what she was trying to say.
He focused his gaze on the beach ahead of them and for a moment she thought he hadn’t. That or – perhaps he had understood and wasn’t interested in the implication. For a fraction of a second she felt terribly heart-broken, until he offered his arm for her to take. “That sounds like fun.”
She closed her eyes and ducked her head to the side to hide her relieved smile, before looping her arm through his. He rested a hand atop hers and she felt the familiar flutter in her chest.
Not wanting to lose the momentum in their conversation she cleared her throat and pressed forward. “Your turn.”
He sniffed in amusement. “Well, now that dinner is topping my list,” he responded jovially. He paused thoughtfully and shook his head. “No, that’s a lie. That’s not quite the top of my list.”
“Are you sure? My mother’s pumpkin pie is heavenly and I’m certain that, for a special guest, she’d make her caramel brownies for desert,” Kathryn teased.
His eyes became distant as though he was imagining exactly that. He remained silent for some time making Kathryn more and more curious by the minute as to what exactly did top his list. Finally he turned toward her with a beautiful smile. “No, Kathryn, for a long time the same thing has topped my list - you.”
Her heart stopped – so did her feet. He took a second to register that she’d halted and almost pulled her forward, though she was too stunned to react. Honestly, she could have toppled face down in the sand and barely notice.
She’d been subtle. She’d tried to play by the rules they’d put in place long ago, to pretend that - this didn’t exist, perhaps until they got home. If she’d ever had any lingering doubts as to his true feelings for her they were now unceremoniously laid to rest.
“Me?” she breathed the question as though her body was using the last of the air in her lungs.
Turning to face her he took her hand and drew a deep breath of his own, in what looked like an attempt to bolster his confidence.
They’d had many a veiled conversation approaching this subject in the past, Kathryn had never before allowed the subject to become so – clearly spoken. She’d always maintained, at least to herself, that she had to focus on Voyager; that the crew had to be her top priority. She knew that, should she admit in words how she truly felt, there would be no going back.
So when Chakotay’s thumb delicately caressed the knuckles on her hand she grew a strong desire to run and not look back until she was back aboard Voyager. There she wouldn’t be under the influence of the moon shining brightly over the ocean, the soft lapping of the waves or warm tropical breeze. There she could stand firm as Captain and hold herself back. If Chakotay said the words she wouldn’t be able to lie – and then her damn barriers would come crashing down.
Unfortunately, the part of her brain that was connected to her legs seemed to have betrayed her, they remained stationary. If anything her damn feet seemed to dig into the sand, holding firm their position.
Her heart pounded in her chest as she waited patiently for, either her legs to resume their function, or for him to speak.
“I want a chance for us, when we get home,” he finally dispelled the silence. “I want to drop to one knee on the bridge the moment Voyager is in Earth’s orbit and give you the ring I’ve been keeping for years, now.”
He was keeping a ring for her? Kathryn’s hand joined the rebellion, squeezing Chakotay’s gently as she listened.
Once again he found a way to tell her exactly what he wanted to say without actually saying the words. Despite that, it was still too late. This moment would change everything between them, whether they liked it or not.
“I want to be free to tell you exactly how I feel about you, at any given point of the day and to hear you return the sentiment,” he pressed on.
Still she couldn’t summon a damn word, though he apparently hadn’t finished.
“I want you to come with me to Trebus and meet my family.”
For every word he uttered the distance between the Delta Quadrant and the Alpha Quadrant seemed to grow. Her heart ached to close that gap now, to hear that proposal and start a life with him.
“I want the entire crew at our wedding; though I don’t think we’ll have Neelix cater.”
She chuckled at his light-hearted comment. She hadn’t realised until then that her eyes had fogged with tears. Now though, she seemed unable to stop the damn things from falling down her cheeks.
“Most of all, Kathryn,” he took a slight step forward and for a fleeting moment she thought he might lean in to kiss her. Her defences had shattered, if he kissed her now there was no chance of going back to just ‘Captain and Commander.’ “I want to know who will win the betting pool.”
He certainly knew how to disrupt the moment. She laughed and managed, for the first time since he began to talk, to break eye contact. This gave her clarity to think on her response.
The ball was firmly in her court, which he had to know she’d appreciate.
Forty thousand light-years, she considered. What if that took them forty years, could she really expect him to wait that long? Of course she couldn’t and shouldn’t, oh she wanted him to, but that wouldn’t be fair.
So the real question came down to this: was she willing to break her self-imposed rules now? Was she willing to begin a relationship with him on Voyager?
As a command team they were remarkably in sync, part of his appeal as a potential partner. She had no fears that they would lose their harmony in command. The trouble came when she had to send him on a dangerous mission, or – god forbid, if something happened to him.
She already knew that coping with tragedy wasn’t her strong suit. Months in her room after her father and Justin had been killed told her that. She wouldn’t be able to function as Voyager’s captain if they were in a relationship and she lost him. Voyager had to be her top priority.
A lump formed in her throat the moment she realised what she had to do. “Chakotay, I can’t ask you to wait for me.”
“You wouldn’t have to,” he responded immediately.
“It could be forty years before we’re home. You’d be throwing away your chance at having a family,” she attempted. Watching him with another woman would be heart-breaking, but far preferable to losing him.
“And it could be four years. Besides, I have never felt and will never feel for anyone else what I feel for you.”
Oh, he wasn’t going to make this easy. She needed to be firmer. She took her hands back, to emphasise her choice. She desperately wanted to be strong, but her heart, thundering in her chest, felt bruised and battered as it was.
“Yes, it could be four years – and if something happened to me? What then?” she argued.
“I’d be inconsolable,” he answered without pause.
His response threw her. She wasn’t sure what to say to that.
“But I’d be inconsolable if anything happened to you either way,” he added. “I already –” he paused again and gave a small smile. “Care deeply for you.”
The realisation hit her like a ship going to warp in a planet’s atmosphere. They may not be in a relationship, but she too – cared deeply for him – if anything were to happen to him tomorrow how would she fare? She’d be devastated, of course.
She had to avoid his gaze as she considered this revelation. Her eyes watched the currents rolling gently off-shore in the available moonlight.
If she already felt this way what was the point of holding back? No one benefited. She was miserable, which didn’t improve her morale and affected the crew’s. He had obviously been pining for years and he’d started to lose his optimism.
He didn’t deserve to be put off like that.
“You’re right,” she whispered. Her eyes flicked back to him watching as his expression clouded with confusion. He cocked his head, obviously about to ask what exactly he was right about, but she pre-empted him.
“If anything happened to you I – I wouldn’t know what to do,” she attempted to explain.
This only seemed to add to his confusion, though he waited patiently for her to continue.
“Forty years is a long time.”
“A heartbeat,” Chakotay responded with a light smile.
“No,” she objected, shaking her head. “It’s too long.”
She took both of his hands in her once again, watching the terrible bewilderment pass his features. She exhaled a breath in order to calm her fluttering heart. It didn’t work. Still, she’d made up her mind.
This entire conversation, skirting around what they wanted to say wasn’t doing either of them any good.
“Chakotay, I love you,” she admitted.
He gave a short laugh. “Good!” he exclaimed. “After all of this dancing around, it would have been a little awkward if you didn’t.”
That hadn’t been the reaction she expected, though she laughed along.
“I think you know how I feel,” he told her softly. “But for so long I’ve wanted to say the words, so –” he drew a breath, meeting her gaze levelly. “Kathryn Janeway, I love you, perhaps more than you’ll ever know.”
Hearing the words from his lips made her feel – at home.
“So, what now?” Chakotay asked uneasily.
She understood. He was asking whether this actually changed anything between them. After all, she’d been rather insistent in the past that they couldn’t have anything more than the friendship they’d so enjoyed over the years. But she’d known all along that should she admit her feelings for him, there would be no turning back.
Rather than giving a verbal answer she stepped forward. She stood on the tips of her toes, hands moving to brace herself on his shoulders. His hands held her waist, supporting her as she reached up to kiss him for the first time.
Of Kathryn’s first kisses, this one held the most anticipation and therefore the largest chance of disappointment. She’d thought of this kiss a hundred different ways is a thousand locations, but this; a moonlit night, next to a vast and familiar feeling ocean, with the sand beneath their bare feet and the water lightly caressing the beach – this was the ideal locale.
If that wasn’t enough his kiss was tender and passionate and if he hadn’t told her that he loved her only a moment ago, this kiss would have left no doubt about his feelings.
She pulled back, though her hands seemed incapable of releasing him. Their eyes met again and they stared, both smiling like teenagers in love.
“Now we get home,” she answered his earlier question.
He gave a short nod. “I like that plan.”
End