Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Gosh, I shoulda go. My shift starts in twenty minutes."
"You don't have to, you know. I can pull the right strings." Drawing her impossibly closer he breathed her intoxicating scent in,
his nostrils flaring with contentment while he closed his eyes again. "That was... absolutely awesome, Bev."
A chuckle rising in her chest her smile grew broader. "And totally unexpected."
"Still complaining?" he mumbled half asleep, absently pulling the thin covers tighter around their still joined bodies.

She patted his chest and pulled herself slightly up. "I don't know, you tell me?"
The new sensations washed through her system unbelievable light and in some way... relieved. Certainly sore, a little bit embarrassed it had happened and with that urgency, but extremely... yes extremely satisfied. Her lips curving up even more her eyes roamed his face. The face she knew that long and trusted just as deeply. She hadn't thought about it again, until last evening. And now she was here, cradled in his strong arms and it felt surprisingly comfortable.

“I told you this is one possibility other people spend their after-work time and obviously this is very much… sufficient.” A smug grin appeared on his face telling her he was just as delighted as her.

Beverly dearly hoped they both would never regret generating this weird situation. But why did she care? There wasn’t anybody raising hopes or attached to them the way this could cause problems like that. They were both adults, on an equal footing and in need for something they’d obviously found in another.

“You did. And yes, it was… awesome. Thank you.”

“I have to say thank you, Beverly.” He replied, ogling her suspiciously while already hoping this wouldn’t be the only night spent together.
This felt too good to be ignored and admittedly he was really enjoying this, no specifically her.

“See you tonight?” he asked carefully while Beverly lifted herself up and elegantly glid out of bed, offering him a splendid view over her bare backside.
The groan which left his mouth didn’t went unnoticed and made her smile again.

“You’re horrible, Beverly Crusher.” She heard him sigh.
“That and quite a lot of other things you don’t know yet, Will Riker.”

Pulling her knee up under her chin Beverly dropped her head, closing her eyes overwhelmed with her massive lack of sleep. Sickbay was calm this morning and she was thankful being able to retire to her private office. Her mind wandered back to the events of last nights which had involuntarily led to the obvious outcome. The poker game in Will’s quarters had been a wonderful distraction since the nerve-wrecking days after Ambassador Odan’s departure. She couldn’t put a finger on when exactly the situation had drifted off.
Obviously, this symbiont had opened doors which weren’t even touchable or thinkable before. And certainly, Will Riker did remember every tiny detail while sharing his body with Odan. At first it had seemed embarrassing sharing the same space again, but the moment their hands touched grasping for the same poker-card the electricity was unpredictably back.
Watching his eyes shiver with various emotions, she’d definitely known that he felt the same.
And he’d left no doubt about his own desires when everybody had left his quarters some hours later.

It was rigid first, but turned quickly into an amazing thunderstorm. Only friendship and no love involved they were free to indulge in everything they both looked-for. After all, he was a handsome man with all the right benefits and more than happy to comply to her wishes. Above all it was excitingly funny. In a way they’d managed to have the most humorous all the while filling night ever without being forced to indulge in some emotional drifts. And yes, he knew how to satisfy her needs.

Startled by a sudden knock to her open doorframe Beverly looked up and almost choked.

Chapter Text

“Deanna!”

The dirty smirk on Trois face was priceless. “Thinking about some delicate things, aren’t we my dear doctor?” Pushing herself off the frame she stepped closer, her eyes sparkling with mischief. The fact that she’d caught her friend wallowing in some very stimulating carnal phantasies made her smile even broader. The deep blush which instantly graced Beverly’s noble features was just the last proof she needed.

“Out with it, who is the lucky one… this time?” Dropping in the chair in front of the doctor’s desk she crossed her legs and lent back, her eyes speaking volumes and dearly expecting all desired details in words and pictures.

But the doctor simply groaned and blatantly rolled her eyes.
“If you’re referring to my latest regular absence during our morning exercise sessions, I’ve to disappoint your exquisite imagination, Counsellor.” Her tongue was sharp, hiding the uprising uneasiness.

“Due to my permanent overtime lately, I just wasn’t able to make it in time. By the way, did you get your vaccine already?” The massive flu which had conquered the Enterprise in these last two weeks had forced them to immunize everyone who wasn’t affected yet to exclude a ship-wide breakdown.

Unfortunately, Troi didn’t take the dangling bait. “You’re babbling Beverly. And I can actually feel the anxiety dripping from every pore of your body and mind. Certainly… you can tell me, if your morning exercises have switched to other…ummm… practices.” The juicy, sweet smile which accompanied Trois remark was not even trying to curtain her amusement. The shaking feeling the doctor was hiding more than an amorous encounter was quickly outranged by her obvious behavior.
“Nonsense. I’m just slightly revised, that’s all.” Beverly replied, grasping for a PADD to busy her trembling hands. Deanna was approaching her physical limits and rising her barriers against the Betazoid’s probing mind wasn’t as easy since being best friends for years. At least she did already wonder why her friend hadn’t caught something from Riker, being linked to him that special way she should really feel anything going on, shouldn’t she?

Opening her mouth to expand the inquisition Troi was quickly stopped by the doors opening behind her and a very cheerful Captain striding in.

“Doctor.” He stated, coming to a full halt in front of her desk just beneath the seated Counsellor.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but I was wondering if we could have… emmm… lunch together?”
Obviously, he was struggling with his words and self-confidence. It was rather rare he came down to sickbay as long as he wasn’t forced to or being unconsciously dragged there. Troi wondered if he was just bothered by her unpredicted presence or the surprising new fact, she felt Beverly’s emotions suddenly brewing up like a thunderstorm. Had she missed something fundamental?

Beverly cleared her throat, trying to act polite while dropping the PADD. “Umm, sure, I’m certainly dispensable for a certain period of time … I think.” She cherished the option to avoid Trois unnerving way of questioning and if it meant spending time with Jean-Luc… who wouldn’t? His handsome face turned into a careful smile, successfully ignoring Trois obvious smirk. “Awesome. Ten Forward at twelve?”

“Hey doc, I just thought maybe we could…” coming to a full halt behind the gathered group he stared at all these people apparently crowding Crushers office. “Oh fuck.” Riker snarled quietly.
Beverly instantly flinched and gasped simultaneously.

Picard pulled his uniform tunic straight, rising a brow at Crusher.

Trois gaze abruptly fixed her redheaded obviously blushing friend and then Will Riker. What had just happened?

“Never mind.” The Commander tilted his head, not daring to look the doctor straight in the eye. Seeing Deanna Troi’s scrutinizing look, he knew they would be on a plate in seconds if they didn’t watch out. And the Captain… oh yes.. he was as blindfolded as ever. And just as transparent. His not so captainly gaze roaming Beverly’s frozen features with slightly hidden admiration and desire.
He obviously wasn’t aware of anything outside his own universe. If Beverly ever would see what Riker saw in his Captains attitude towards his Chief Medical Officer their situation would change massively and likely forever.

Nethertheless, Trois watchful mind was awake. She couldn’t quite grasp it yet, but there was something very… very interesting going on.

The feeling she wouldn’t like it lingered.

“Perhaps we should free our doctor from our increased presence and let her get back to work. There is certainly enough to do recently.” Picard suddenly stated, already drawing back. Guiding Riker gently with him he nodded towards Beverly. “I see you then.”

The doors closed behind both men and Crusher immediately bit her lip, literally ignoring the Counsellor seizing her up.
Strange seconds passed, toughening the unusual atmosphere.

“I’m afraid you owe me some answers, Beverly.”

“Do I?” she managed a little bit too rushed, her unease palpable.

Troi shook her head. “Don’t fool me, what is going on?” Her voice suddenly stern she fixed her trembling friend intently.

She hadn’t thought about that for a minute. After everything had happened so fast and … yes somewhat in a flash Beverly had felt strangely at ease with this new situation. Maybe she’d given into a desire of reliving this intimacy and thrilling infatuation with Odan again. Being loved and cherished, especially being able to allow it to happen was absolutely exciting and so damn good after all this time of… what?
…maybe she’d drowned in the fact being terribly lonely since all this godforsaken infatuation dust had settled. And maybe she’d just given a damn. Admittedly, she still didn’t care. She knew Will and Deanna were close but also nothing more than friends for quite a lot of time. And Jean-Luc… oh hell, he wouldn’t even notice when Will would take her just in front of his ignorant eyes. Beverly took a long breath, sensing the pain creeping through her veins. Perhaps she did care. And perhaps he would notice.

“Deanna…”

“I’m all ears.”

“Listen to me, there’s a lot going on in sickbay just right now. And I hate to point this out to you, but it’s none of your therapeutical business. Deanna, I promise to join our exercises tomorrow, okay? But for now, I’ve to finish my daily schedule.”

“The captain will certainly appreciate your efforts.” Troi acidly bit back, unable to hide her uprising frustration.
Knowing Beverly’s stubbornness in all its facets had never been easy. But this time she couldn’t deny the weird feeling of being part of the game. The hard mental defense the doctor had quickly almost vehemently pulled up when the captain strode in spoke volumes. Not for the first time she wished being a full telepath. She didn’t really feel offended, but the suspicion of being left out of something very significant sank in.

“Please get your vaccine when you leave.” Beverly Crusher was all business and apparently closing the awkward conversation in a hurry. “Alyssa is out there; it will be quick I promise.”

Troi felt thrown out. Rising from the chair she’d occupied long enough Deanna turned to go. “You will talk to me.”
“If there’s something to tell, I will.” Crusher sighed, shoving her hands into the pockets of her blue lab-coat. Of course. And certainly not.

Chapter Text

“Just turn that damn switch!” Geordi LaForge cursed more to himself, hammering some new parameters into his technical tricorder.
“Seems to work, Sir.” The female, bodyless voice replied anxiously, invisible hidden inside the tiny shuttlecraft. “The plasma conducts should be ready, all readings according to the last test are totally fine now.”

Grinning victoriously he rose his fist. “Finally. Commander, care to give me a hand out here?”
Popping his bearded head out of the shuttlecrafts back door Riker flashed him a sheepish grin. “Nicely done and not a minute too soon.” His ice blue eyes rolling almost instantly up he smirked at his younger colleague. “It’s getting a little hot in there.”

LaForge’s brow shot higher than his VISOR. “Too pushy even for you, eh?” Snapping his tricorder shut he took a step toward his friend. While he dropped his voice discreetly, he tapped the device languidly at his counterpart’s chest. “Lucky one. Still denying an easy… catch? I wouldn’t mind.” His taller colleague chuckled. “I’m afraid I’m utilized to maximum capacity… so to speak so to speak...” his voice dropped even lower, catching his breath he felt his serenity slipping, so he quickly added “I mean this girl…” He rolled his eyes again, pulling a face.

“Nahhh, it could be worse. Oh, just by the way Commander… speaking of not available.” He grinned broadly, showing his bright white teeth. “I’ve heard you’d agreed to join the new play of Dr. Crusher?” His mouth instantly formed into a subliminal grin, which was definitely more innocent than Riker was beginning to see. “How did she manage to talk you into this?”
His heart missed a beat, his cheeks blushing slightly.

When the bulkheads of the shuttle-hangar they were standing at suddenly glid open and revealed Counselor Troi strolling in, Geordi LaForge instantly stopped his friendly banter. He didn’t know anything about their actual private status, but he wouldn’t dare to put a false foot in it by teasing Riker in the wrong moment. Nodding towards Deanna he cleared his throat politely.
And then Riker leant closer if only for a second, his voice a mere whisper. “You can bet on she has her… ways.” The chief engineer almost choked, flashing the Commander an intrigued look. He didn’t just imagine the lecherous undertone in the Commanders words, did he? Or was he just teasing back like he used to do?

“Oh guys, I thought you still were tinkering on that awful boring thing.” Troi decently stated while stepping closer. Her dark eyes glued to the broad man in front of her she still tried to figure out why he seemed so distant since… To be honest, since the Trill Ambassador had left the ship. Their shared evenings had becoming rare, the times when she’d thought he was aware of her simple presence even more so. The curiousness which had led her to the shuttle-hangar still eminent Deanna hoped for some explanation which...
“Counsellor.” LaForge greeted this time soundly, sending Riker an amused but hidden glare. He couldn’t shake the feeling that Will was in some… pretty trouble and strangely enough… enjoying this. While the commander slowly turned towards Troi his face still radiant a moment ago went totally blank.
“Deanna, can I help you with something?”

“Commander Rrrriker!” a sudden, ear-shattering high female sing-sang shout escaped from inside the small craft.
Both men sighed, Troi threw a puzzled look towards the shuttle.
Some nanoseconds later Ensign de la Cruz emerged, her blonde hair waving around her slim shoulders like a massive curtain. Hopping down the ramp her features instantly darkened when she registered the small, but lovely female senior officer standing her ground between both men. Nodding towards her she chose to settle next to Riker.
Deanna couldn’t stop her eyes from wandering over and registering this Ensigns magnificent silhouette. Aside from her unnerving voice every proportion sat exactly where it belonged. Her gracile features framing intriguing turquoise eyes only topped by a marvelous golden mane perfectly matching her uniform. This girl was just this perfection the good Commander preferred. He would certainly seize the first opportunity if he hadn’t done so already to ask her out.

Feeling the anxiousness rise Geordi quickly reacted. “Ensign de la Cruz, care to help me with these plasma conductors here?” Pointing towards a device on the outside of the shuttle he tilted his head.
Shrugging her shoulders she willingly followed her superior, but not without casting a venomous glance in Deanna's direction. Obviously, this girl indeed showed some interest in him.
“Nasty little thing.” Riker hissed, turning towards the Counsellor again.
Her brows shot up in astonishment, sensing his matching feelings towards the young Ensign brewing in his broad chest. Matter of factly he was… annoyed. No, more than that. He felt stressed and exhausted. Grabbing his arm Deanna flashed him a smile. “Everything okay?”

“Wonderful. I’m fine when this damn thing is finally working as it should.” He retorted, sighing inwardly.
“My shift ended four hours ago and I can already hear my bed calling.” And not only that, he thought genuinely. The warm feeling flooding his tense body didn’t go unnoticed by his friend.
Clearing her throat Deanna fixed Will. Long and hard. She couldn’t pinpoint the exact source, but he was in fact… squirming under her intense gaze. And hiding behind a false smile. “Will, is there something you want to tell me?”

A sudden explosion a few meters away abruptly stopped any respectfully formed question regarding his strange emotions.
“Gosh fuck, Commander, hurry!” Geordi hovered over the still form of Ensign de la Cruz, grabbing her head between his hands. “A plasma leak has caught fire and blew up.”
Rushing towards the pair he watched the young woman howl in pain.
“Riker to Sickbay, case of emergency in Hangar One! Plasma explosion!”
“I’m right there, hold on!” Beverly’s tense voice echoed instantly through the intercom, while Riker and Deanna crouched next to LaForge.
“Ensign de la Cruz, Marianna, can you hear me? Everything is going okay… you will be fine. Our doctor is arriving in a minute.” Riker tried to calm down the shaking woman, catching her arm carefully and taking a look at her severe burnings. Deanna took a huge breath, fighting the urge down to throw up. The smell of burnt flesh penetrating her nose almost made her choke.
Shoulder and neck were seriously damaged, but obviously it could have been worse. Closing her tearstained eyes the Ensign nodded bravely towards the Commander. She would never admit how much her pride had been damaged, so much more than her skin and bones.

When Crusher flew in, accompanied by two assistants, Riker and Troi quickly made room for her.
After some minutes of stressed working on Marianna’s worst burnings Beverly finally nodded. “This was close. A few centimeters lower and we would have had to pick up every individual part of your anatomy.” Watching Geordi shake his head with slightly hidden amusement while he still held the Ensign straight, she slowly smiled at him.
“It’s okay, Lt. Commander. I’m sure the worst is over. We’ll get her to sickbay to treat the rest of her injuries. You acted quickly. Thank you.” Patting his shoulder affirmatively Beverly rose, her eyes connecting with her subordinates which rushed swiftly forward, dropping the Ensign on the brought stretcher. “I recommend you accompany her down there, Mister LaForge, to get your own checking.”
Riker and Troi silently watched the redheaded doctor gently touching de la Cruz’ chin, smiling reassuringly down at her while the male nurses lifted her easily up.
“You’ll be on your feet in a day, don’t you worry.” She murmured lightly.
Weakly smiling back the Ensign was brought out by the team, joined by the Chief Engineer.

“May I have a word with you?” Beverly turned, seriously fixing Riker while putting her tricorder back into the bags of her lab coat. He instantly felt his blood interestingly freeze and Troi stepped back. “I’ll leave you both alone. I’ve an appointment in some minutes anyway.” the smaller woman whispered, waiting for an affirmative. Riker was mentally nowhere to hear or notice her comment. Just Crusher managed something like a small nod. And again, she felt the urge to shake off this silly feeling of being duped. Her friends obviously lately chose to act in another atmosphere or dimension.

Will didn’t even care to look at her. Turning to retreat Deanna strolled toward the exit. Something didn’t seem right. At all. He hadn’t wasted one single thought about de la Cruz’ appearance. She was so used to his sometimes primal desires that the complete lack of them now left her unsettled beyond belief. She gulped. No, that wasn’t exactly right. These needs hadn’t vanished in a mysterious way. They slumbered just beneath the surface, ready to attack but in complete control just like he did already know, what was to come. Maybe he did? The longing burning abruptly intensified and Troi turned around once again.
Weird goosebumps rolled all over her tense body. Her skin electrified and her senses forcing the emotions down she fixed the two humans she called friends. They were standing close now, his hand had gently encircled her wrist.
A stranger wouldn’t have noticed, but Troi did. She knew this look, she knew him. And she knew her best friend. And she could feel every damn floating need invisible vibrating between them. A small smirk on Beverly’s lips, a nod from Will.

Now everything fell in place.

Chapter Text

“Come!”, he barked. Absentmindedly sipping his tea he looked up, watching Deanna Troi walking briskly in.
“Counsellor, to what do I owe the pleasure?”
Feeling her heartbeat inevitably speed up she accepted his offer and sat. Crossing her legs she gathered her raw nerves.
The captain regarded her with a slight smile, his attitude however, was reserved. Something bothered him as well - she could see it right there in his trembling eyes without the need of probing his mind.

“Sir, we should possibly talk.” Her throat felt tight, fighting against the things she intended to say.

Picard could sense the tension plainly displayed over her delicate face. The instant suspicion this was related to the bizarre thoughts crossing his mind lately he swallowed, nodding for her to move on only.

“There’s something going on and I … Captain, I don’t know if I… appreciate the things or… even can accept the idea. Perhaps you want to…”

The impatience left his throat impulsively. “Counsellor, keep it short. What are you referring to?”, leaning back in his seat he placed both hands flat on his thighs. The obvious unease she presented was unnerving and just adding fuel to his already shifting anger which hunted him for days, maybe weeks by now.

She felt stricken. Bare to her bone. Forced to open pandoras box. Step right into a black hole without even knowing for sure if she had a right to. This seemed to range anywhere between blackmailing, betrayal and honest worry for the people she loved. The hurt she felt gnawing on her soul a mere side-effect. And that her captain was affected as well was more than palpable. This story had developed a strange route.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t also noticed, Sir.” Deanna mused, hoping to pull him in the right direction without being forced to voice the blunt suspicion out-loud. “Maybe I’m just imagining things, but there’s that circumstance our dear friends are hiding… something.”

So, this could be related. Heaviness sinking on his shoulders he felt his pulse quicken and his mouth getting dry. “Pardon?” Perhaps he didn’t want to know what was going on.

Didn’t he get it or didn’t he want to? Or was he just… dumb? The efficient way of ignoring every damn inconvenient thing he didn’t care to realize or accept about the woman he loved (god forbid he would ever admit the obvious) was unbelievable. Troi cleared her throat, bending in his direction and searching his wary eyes. Maybe she had to change tactics.

“Sir, it’s Will. He isn’t even leering after one single woman for weeks and still he seems relaxed and content as if…” Shaking herself she pinched the bridge of her nose. “He’s downright vibrant all this time, just in an unsettling albeit unnerving way.”

How could that be related to Beverly’s late weird behavior he slowly mused, the pieces still not connecting in his head. “Sorry, but how should Commander Rikers recent monogamous love life concern his duty? I can’t see why his attitude is regarding my personal attention as long as it doesn’t impact his professional…”

Deanna puffed, her breath becoming a groan while she fretfully shook her head.
“Don’t you get it? They’re sleeping with each other”, she blurted out, her voice shaking with emotions while she couldn’t hide the helplessness she felt. “At least I… I think they are.”

“Who?” Picard was thunderstruck.

“Will and Beverly.” Troi whispered awkwardly, her voice dropping to zero degrees. There it was, out in the room and just as bizarre as it sounded.

When realization finally hit his face paled white like a sheet. The urge of throwing up instantly rose somewhere deep down in his throbbing gut. Over and over. Actually, he could hear his own pulse ring high in his ears like a church bell while the shock sank grotesquely in. The dry laugh escaping his mouth inevitably did nothing to cover the complete loss of his inner self-control and his mental shields. The thought alone this could only be remotely possible somehow in this universe… but it would explain an awful lot of things and weird moments during these last weeks. Admittedly, this possibility had crossed his mind not only once but had been dropped just as quickly. It seemed ridiculous at best.

His fingers digging deep into his thighs Picard forced his burning chest to calm down. He shouldn’t be this impacted even if it turned out to be true, shouldn’t he? Beverly was his friend. For decades. He had survived this damn Trillian Ambassador, he had survived being the shoulder to cry on when it ended. For god’s sake he had survived her being married to his best friend. Had he? His face went blank, shoving the flaring hurt back in the darkest corner of his soul.

Deanna could sense every tiny horrible stitch and thought piercing through his artificial heart the moment she’d offered him both names.
“Certainly, Counsellor...” Picard spat offended, gathering his roaring emotions deep down in his own body. “They’ve been… close before…” he swallowed hard “…when Ambassador Odan took Will’s body…”

Troi stood, her small hands balled to fists. “No sir. I mean they do now. Weeks after he …she left.”
Emphasizing the actual state of their ‘situation’ she took a step forward, dropping her hands flat on his desk to prove her point.

The captain didn’t even dare to look her in the eye. Intently seizing up the smooth surface of his table he dropped his voice. “That’s absurd, they’ve been good friends for years.”

She couldn’t help but sigh in frustration. “As are you, if I remember right… Sir.” Troi hissed finally. The hope he would interfere was the last straw she clung to.

“That’s completely different, Deanna. And obviously we do not…” Picard feared finishing the sentence would destroy the last resemblances of what could have been or ever be. Beverly would never in dear life…
“It’s just… different.” He repeated, averting his eyes and floating back to the moment he hadn’t been confronted with this dreadful story. “I can’t see any evidence here, Counsellor. After all, she has me…”
He dearly hoped, Beverly knew that too.

“What for?” Deanna retorted acidly, slowly getting awfully annoyed by his persistent manner. “Frankly Sir, isn’t there anything you recognized in her attitude recently… or let’s say during these last weeks since this Trill-female left?”

Absolutely, banged against his forehead with a thud. Beverly had been absent, at least distracted and no single minute too long in his quarters. He had always blamed it to the fact she was still burdened by a dying love she’d held close and forced to let go. But the woman he knew would never care to take what lay ahead next. His features darkened every passing second more. She wasn’t that kind of a woman. She was… merde, but he didn’t know. He’d lost track the day he’d chosen to hide his feelings for her forever. And still it felt more than betrayal. It felt…
On a sudden impulse his arm moved on its own, shoving his meanwhile cold teacup aside. Crushing on the floor they both flinched when the impact came. Tears threatening to became apparent he rapidly wiped them off with his trembling hand, cursing to himself. Finally looking up he glared at Deanna Troi. “You’re telling me they’re seriously f…” His voice freezing in his throat Picard gulped the rest down. He would not ever use that word - ever. “…fond of each other?” he quickly added.

She hadn’t imagined him being this struck. Hurt yes. But what she felt boiling deep in his chest was far away from an injured manly pride she’d expected. Perhaps she should offer more details.
“I’m not able to specify the exact type of their… interactions, Captain. But I saw Will sneaking out of her quarters the other night when I went home after my bridge shift. The attitude he left told me it wasn’t for the first time. Admittedly the very first time I sensed something happening behind the curtains was three weeks ago in Beverly’s office, but I thought it to be a misinterpretation of some mixed-up emotions originating from you and Beverly. Then I saw them both staying behind some days later, after the hangar accident…”

“I think I got an impression.” Picard waved his hand, pointing her to stop. “Please leave me alone.”

“Sir, I have to protest…”

“No. I will see for myself, Deanna. Thanks for your magnificent honesty.”

Furrowing her brows she turned, leaving the room without any further word. Maybe this hadn’t been her brightest idea at least.

=/\=

“Picard to Crusher.” His shoulders tensed with anticipation.

“Crusher here. How can I be of assistance, Captain.” Beverly’s voice was as clear as ever, swaying joyfully over the intercom through his ready room. There wasn’t the slightest hesitation in her manner, he mused.

“Beverly, am I... interrupting something?” Hearing different noises in the background he tried hard to concentrate on the fact sounding equally unaffected.

“Oh Jean-Luc no, just finishing vaccinating the primary school kids.” Hearing her whisper confidentially towards a supposedly young girl an unintentionally small smile crept over his angry lips.
Gosh, he didn’t even want to smile. Not after knowing the things Deanna had told him. She just couldn’t grab his heart and rip it in to a million pieces and at the same time be that… breathtaking gorgeous.
Picard cleared his throat.

“Is everything okay, Jean-Luc?” Now she was the one sounding concerned.
‘Don’t you dare to be worried about me’, Picard gasped inwardly and leant forward.
“No, no. Actually, I wondered if we could share breakfast tomorrow? I saw you’re too serving on the alpha shift?” Where had that come from. Gritting his teeth he closed his eyes, forcing himself to finish his intentions. “Let’s say at seven? My quarters?”

Suddenly there it was. Obvious hesitancy and awkward silence. If it wouldn’t hurt that much, he would have been satisfied like hell. But so he just sat and waited for her lame alibi excuse.

Some extraordinary long muffled sounds later she obviously was alone. “Of course Jean-Luc and I’m... honored.”

Picard didn’t know if he was simply shocked or relieved she hadn’t refused to his invitation. Beverly hadn’t followed any request over the last weeks. Sometimes she’d dropped by late at night, only to leave him behind dumbfounded. His mind reeled in anger. How did she dare to fool him like that.

“Fine.” His voice lacked any emotion. The fear of betraying himself was too strong. “Picard out.”

Chapter Text

“Oh… my …” Desperately trying to catch her ragged breath she pushed herself straight up and rolled down,
slumping unceremoniously next to him on her back. And while the minutes silently passed the sensations also subsided.
His equal dropping respiration accompanied the calming contentment she felt.

“I really could get used to that.” Will chuckled like a low growl, grasping her unattended hand and clutching it gently to his bare chest.
Encircling her wrist and lower arm with tender languid strokes he indulged happily in the effects her intriguing vibes caused whenever they shared that intimate closeness.
With still closed eyes he yawned, slipping back into a half unconscious state.
Maybe he was already too deep into it. Too satisfied, too happy in this… situation. He’d never thought of Beverly like this and now, he was captivated bit by bit, drawn under her magnificent spell. The strange experience of joining with a foreign host had brought him into her bed and he wasn’t even sure he really was able to leave anytime soon. Or matter of fact, did want to. But this tiny nasty voice back in his mind told him to run.

The doctor shifted slightly, her fingertips caressing his smooth skin. “I’m already late. He’s certainly waiting with breakfast...the coffee and croissants thing.”

Feeling her body tense and beginning to rise he stifled a hearty sigh. “Beverly.”

“Yes, Will.” She mimicked his stern voice.

Seconds passed while he gathered his strength. “How long do you think we'll be going on like this? I mean, as much as I love… spending time with you… you should know that can’t go on forever.” Not that I don’t want to, he inwardly added, already fighting the urge to take everything back. This… them… together… felt awesome. If only… If only.

Instead of replying she glid out of bed but then paused midway. Standing there her fiery blue eyes stared at him intently. Will Riker discreetly roamed her bare curves, inwardly praising the amazing benefits of his best friend. He shouldn’t relish in this too much, he knew. But right or not, she was fucking hot and even more so without that damn uniform. And his body was already reacting to this circumstance again.

Beverly tilted her head, a strangled breath escaping her mouth while deep in thought. She didn’t feel offended, but a weird sensation rising. She’d been aware this moment would arise… at some point. Maybe she wasn’t ready yet and the only defending method she’d ever known rushed involuntarily back to her mind. Sarcasm.
“Already getting tired of me, Number One?”

Pouting somehow didn't suit her, but it was just as attractive. He had to admit he even did admire her sharp tip of tongue. Hell, that wasn’t what he intended to say or fall back in. Blunt admiration. Why was it so hard so overcome the contentment and act… responsible. With her?

“Don’t get me wrong, Bev. But this…“. Sitting up and pulling the covers aside, he gestured widely. “…is definitely not healthy for both of us and you even know that.” The treacherous shine in her wonderful eyes didn’t make it easier for him to move on. “Your heart… is elsewhere while we’re...” He sighed deeply. “That this is between us all the time and not even bothering you or me isn’t a good sign as well. I feel like I’m using you… and maybe you’re using me, despite I’m really enjoying our little… workouts…”

“You’re babbling, Will.” Beverly snarled, slightly shaking her head in defeat.
“You’re freaking out just because we don’t… love each other? Maybe these are some news for you, but you knew that right from the start.” she chided finally with a sharp undertone.

Groaning deeply Riker pushed himself up into a straighter position. His patience was challenged by now. “Nonsense. I’m freaking out because you’re in love with someone else and I’m getting afraid to be just your collateral damage. I’m not used to that and I don’t attach any importance to that. I know we’re both hiding behind our fears and bad habits just to get out of some sick realities. You more so than me, but this is the lonely grave you shoveled for yourself, Beverly.”

He saw her biting her bottom lip, like every time she was upset but didn’t dare to show. This felt unusually cruel and he really didn’t want to hurt his best friend. Taking a sharp intake of breath he tried to calm his tirade and voice. “Maybe I’m just… tired of that bizarre situation, even if it means giving up a wonderful albeit strange something with you.”

Beverly’s mind was reeling, almost raging. She should be insulted, but was she? He couldn’t be serious after all. They were matching perfectly. They shared the same wicked sense of humor, were both equally enjoying social interactions and physical pleasures. They both were positive, energetic humans with some very usual desires. So why shouldn’t that be enough for a… what?

Maybe that was his point. This what wasn’t palpable or even earning a name. It just was. Something. And yes, they were matching as friends. Wonderful friends at least but no less than that either.
Maybe Will was absolutely right. She was hiding and this not so new realization hurt more than his words could ever do.
The tension in her features slightly lessened, a deep ragged breath slowly leaving her lungs.
“I simply can’t jump over my shadow, Will. I can’t go over and simply… tell him.”

Running a trembling hand through her hair Beverly shook her head again, watching her friend rise and carefully step closer. Rising her head she fixed his equally blue eyes, shrugging her shoulders. Will Riker was right, but it felt horrible. It would have been so much easier to fall in love with him. It would have made many things easier. But this damn heart of hers told her otherwise. Still. Twenty years for nothing and these silly feelings wouldn’t vanish. No matter how hard she tried. No matter how content she ever thought she felt and no matter how hard her mind told her, she shouldn’t clutch to the impossible so tightly. There would never be the glint of a future for Jean-Luc and her and she felt miserably about this longer than she dared to admit.
“I just can’t.” Beverly hissed finally.

The instant adorable smile washing over his handsome face was almost overdone. “Oh honey, I think you can and I’m really sure he would never dare rejecting you.”

She almost laughed at his still existent faith. “By goodness, Will. Still you’re trying to convince me in sacrificing my already broken heart to this man while you know I’m not remotely able to bear his flat refusal.” Will’s bodily closeness thankfully steadied her flattering nerves. “Nethertheless and even if you’re right… I’m sure our ship has sailed long ago.” Softly patting his chest Beverly tried to close the awkward conversation. They didn’t have to talk about the obvious any longer and she really didn’t want to continue this charade.
“I’ll have to hurry or he gets curious about my whereabouts.” Turning away from him she fished for her uniform between the scattered clothes on the ground. The mess they created was incredible every time. They were indeed an exciting pair. Explosive and mind numbing. Leaving a sighing man behind she vanished through the bathroom door with a grieving smirk.

=/\=

“I have to emphasize this once again we should talk about that.” A still nearly bare Will Riker insisted anew about fifteen minutes later. Ah okay, obviously he hadn’t closed the file once and for all. Shifting his weight while he already waited for her in the living room with a cup of fresh, steaming hot coffee in his broad hands his entire stature seemed unsettled. Emerging showered, her scent unfortunately alluring and ready to go the doctor strode in. Apparently, Beverly had recovered her wits. Or mainly her obstinacy.

“No Will, we won’t.” she snapped back viciously while walking briskly past him. Turning her back in his direction and lifting her hair up the way he knew by now she always did to request his gentle support he quickly pulled the zipper of her uniform up. Touching her shoulder, he tried again. “Beverly, don’t you think he will notice?”

The chuckle which escaped her mouth was loaded with pain and sarcasm. “I promise he won’t. He is far too busy with his own Starfleet ego universe and you of all people should know best.” Quickly rising on her tiptoes and brushing a soft kiss to his lips Beverly smiled ruefully. “Thank you Will, my friend.”

He recognized the message clearly written in her piercing eyes. Don’t mess around with thinking too much. Just be there. It broke his yearning heart. He did want to. He really did. But he was scared like hell this raging fire called Beverly Crusher would eat him alive.

“Beverly.” Riker almost barked when she retracted fluidly towards the exit of his quarters. The panels already glid open, the corridors light intruding the half lit room. “Everything will be fine Will. After all… we’re both adults.”

“Good…. Morning?”

Startled both whirled around. “Deanna?”

And while Riker quickly busied himself with his cup, Crusher spontaneously rounded the petit counsellor with a covering confidently smile.
Nethertheless her pulse rate had sped up to unknown heights not without turning deep red. “I’m already late, De. Sorry. See you later.”
Shrugging every uprising question of her friend simply off the doctor chose to run and hurried down the open corridor.

Flabbergasted Deanna Troi fixed Riker. “Is there’s something you want to tell me now?”

“There is nothing to talk about, Counsellor.”

“Yeah, I heard that already. But maybe you would be so kind to remember… I’m not stupid.”

Chapter Text

Obscure didn’t nearly come close to describing the scene she was in now. Watching Captain Jean-Luc Picard sitting across from her at the breakfast table, neatly set with a wonderful choice of fresh fruits, French tartes, delicious jams and toast… she knew this was different. He’d been mentally absent since the second she’d set foot in his quarters. There was no doubt about it he had something on his clouded mind. And he was observing her. Closely. His strong features were calm on the surface, but she could see his brain working hard on an issue he didn’t care to explain. Yet. Carefully sipping this magnificent steaming hot Caramel Cappuccino he’d wordlessly presented she tried to avert his scrutinizing gaze. What the hell was he intending by that? Maybe he’d gotten wind on something? The unsettling feeling of an approaching thunderstorm spread through her disturbed, already quivering gut.

Watching her hiding behind that ridiculous large cup of coffee made him nauseous. The atmosphere did that too. He didn’t know what he’d thought yesterday calling her to his quarters to do what? The slightly visible bite mark just beneath her uniform collar spoke volumes and tore unceremoniously at his aching pride, even more so because Beverly hadn’t thought about covering it at all. Perhaps she’d done this on purpose Picard thought grimly, albeit knowing such a destructive manner would never cross the doctor’s mind. They just had to clear the air for everyone’s sake, even if it meant intruding her personal space. He just had to know for sure and had every right to do so being her, no, to be specific - their leading officer. He did, didn’t he?
The intoxicating scent she’d brought in his room while arriving at his doors almost took his breath, last nerve and clear thought away and it still did. Like every damn thing did since knowing Dr. Beverly Howard, later Crusher. Picard chose to be brave and be unusually blunt for the first-time during decades of friendship.

“So, I heard you’re sleeping with Will?”

The simple and frighteningly quiet question rung clear and bright as a day through the room, manifesting like a monster between them. Beverly almost lost hold of her cup. Freezing in the moment she didn’t dare to move. Holding her breath, she pretended imagining things at first.

His mouth suddenly became dry with shock over his dull forwardness. Did he really ask her this aloud?

Picard heard her muttering some unintelligible words behind the little cover of her mug. Nethertheless he could see her cheeks were burning with ire and his temper got the better of him. Pulling himself together he lent forward, his voice like a sharp knife sliding through the air.

“Sorry? I can’t hear you?”

Beverly dropped the mug with a loud thud down on the table. Her eyes were flashing with fury, her lips trembling. “I just called you an arrogant bastard, Jean-Luc.”

Now it was him who faltered. Obviously, he’d hit the chord but the satisfaction wouldn’t come. Just a flat, dull pain. Sensing his head heating up, certainly he was already blushing like hell, his limbs got numb. Picard flinched, totally struck. “You’re overstepping your limits, Doctor.” He threateningly growled.

Quickly biting her tongue, sensing the deadly acid remark already pushing forward, Beverly swallowed the simultaneously rising panic and fluttering motions in her belly down. The inhumane desire to use physical force against him was overwhelming.

“You’re the one to tell.” She managed, trying to play cool but failing miserably. “Snooping around in my privacy. The formidable Captain of the flagship. Sticking his silly nose in things he has absolutely no right to. Why do you even care?” Beverly dared to look him straight in the eye. The emotions she saw reflecting there didn’t improve her bare anger. “You didn’t seem to mind any of my feelings when you leered after this wonderful Mrs. Manheim or brought this dreadful Vash person to our ship.”

This finally broke his haze and inflamed his already flaring temper. “I didn’t bring her!” He barked, losing control over the situation. The intention to get a clarifying conversation with Beverly had obviously been a big mistake. Perhaps it had particularly been a mistake to think Deanna was wrong and they were both just seeing things.

Beverly’s shoulders slumped, a bitter laugh escaping her lips. “But you were more than happy to f…” A heart-shattering panic gripped her painful throbbing heart, forcing her to take a deep breath just to avoid bursting into tears right away. “Oh gosh fuck. Just forget it… Why should you condescend to think about your own lousy behavior?”

Throwing the napkin aside she stood. Glaring at him with uncovered hurt, Picard didn’t even dare to flinch.

“This is quibbling, Jean-Luc Picard. As long as there isn’t anything horrible affecting my professional abilities and duties, just stay out of my damn private business, once and for all.”
The friendship they’d shared had obviously been rudely ended. And still, Beverly didn’t move. There was time to take anything back. Maybe she was waiting for him to say sorry. Maybe she hoped for a bad dream or some sick joke. But this… wasn’t his type of joking. He never did. He never cared for acting the way he truly felt. His eternal self-control drove her mad. How could anybody be this … insensitive?
She watched his jaw working frantically with suppressed emotions and his hazel eyes shiver with despair. Dropping his own napkin in slow motion Picard sat back in his chair, his gaze roaming her face.
“Do you even love him?” Effortfully quiet he waited for her to answer his straight forward question.

Beverly groaned out-loud, her frustration more than eminent. That he had the nerve to ask her such a stupid, completely unnecessary question.
“Damn you, Jean-Luc. Will is my friend.”

The massive ring of gigantic church bells bomb-shelling his mind didn’t help thinking clearer. Certainly, he was offended, dazzled with jealousy and above all he was profoundly pissed of like hell. He didn’t care to give her the tiniest satisfaction how much she’d hurt him.

“I’m your friend too, Beverly.” He finally mouthed almost pouting, trying to choose a safer, more diplomatic route. He surely wanted a lot, but losing her never hadn’t been on his agenda. If he had one, after all.
“And what exactly is that supposed to mean?” Crusher let loose a dark laugh lacking any humor, a single tear escaping her nervous eye.

Picard was lost. He’d never thought about the possibility she did even care what he felt about her. And maybe he’d never imagined she could be unsettled in any way by his manner. Beverly Crusher had been a sacred taboo since the day he’d first laid his eyes on her. The increasing obsessiveness over her, sometimes shifting over the years passing by, had never included her very own personal opinion or emotions. He hadn't even begun to think about the fact that she was a breathing, moving being and not a monument enthroned on a pedestal out of anybody’s reach. There had never been any assumption there would be the slightest possibility of … what exactly? The option that perhaps some of his feelings could be returned… in a way… were unthinkable. Until now. And he’d simply, dumbly ruined everything. The tiniest glimpse of hope slowly crumbling to dust he rose from his seat, gathering his blank nerves. The fact she was still waiting for him to say anything told him, it possibly wasn’t too late. And maybe it wasn’t too late for a bold try.

Stepping hesitantly closer he could see her eyes narrow in alarm, obvious disgust rising. Perhaps he was mistaken? He would never know if he didn’t act now.
Closing the distance and leaning forward he gently cupped her chin. This closeness he’d yearned for more than two decades was devastating and mind numbing. Picard had never thought he would be able to bring up the simple courage to even try to kiss her.

And he certainly didn’t expect her rapid, straight response. Beverly was long beyond the line of anger.
The impertinence Jean-Luc Picard displayed crushed every politeness and control she’d suppressed for a long time.
But instead of yelling the hell out of him she simply turned and left without a word.

Picard stood, his hands still reaching out to nothing. “Oh fuck.” Facepalming a ragged breath left his lungs.
“You silly, silly old git.”

=/\=

“Computer, security override, Picard Alpha Omega Theta 188.”

“Code acknowledged.”

The doors finally gave way to his desire and he was frozen once again.

“Sir.” For the first time in five years, he didn’t trust the stern blue eyes of his first in command and the things clearly visible in them. Possibly he wasn’t the only one responsible for that.

“Out.” He hissed, obviously tolerating no contradiction and slowly stepping deeper into Beverly’s quarters.

“Captain, you should think about…” his subordinate reasoned, trying to cool the sizzling atmosphere.

“I said get out and I won’t repeat this once more, Will.” Not granting him a second glance he fixed the slim figure seated on the sofa.

Riker felt physically ill watching his captain sneaking up to his troubled friend. Slowly he realized this scenario had been foreseeable for a long time and he was a main part of it, if not the reason why. Maybe he’d been wrong in so many ways. Apparently, his formidable captain was a legend warrior, a genius in negotiation, a wonderful leader of the flag ship and formidable crew, but after all totally incapable of dealing with his emotions for one special woman. He couldn’t shake the feeling Deanna had been right to scold him like a ten-year-old school boy. Perhaps he’d acted like one. Stealing sweet, colorful candies which had never belonged to him. And possibly didn’t belong to his captain either. Obviously, Picard still was too blind to see. Refusing to accept the doctor was just as equally human and requiring her own little piece of happiness. “Sir…” he tried again, searching the older man’s eyes pleadingly. A man which had been some sort of a role model for him for years.

“Please go, it’s okay.” Beverly suddenly offered him and flashed him a weird, but soft smile which pierced painfully through his mind. Exchanging glances again he noticed she’d decided to receive the thrown gauntlet. Being the strongest woman he ever knew, he felt nauseous nethertheless leaving her behind this way even if she would tell him to go a thousand times. Nodding affirmatively Riker slowly turned. Sending his superior a warning last glare before he left the uncertainty stayed. He’d really underestimated these damaging energies and emotional shadows accompanying both of them for possibly a very long time.
When the doors finally had closed Picard took a deep reinforcing breath. Framing her beautiful form still seated between these large cushions, curled up like a cat but with the eyes of a hunter silently warning him not to dare a wrong move, Beverly closed both hands around her set up knee. Waiting for him with unsettling patience.

And suddenly realization hit. He was the one to take the first step and he would’ve to try very hard.

“You certainly know I’m not good at this. Never have been. It’s just so…. strange talking about… these things.” Picard began, realizing quickly this wasn’t nearly an apology she deserved.
“That has always been our problem, Jean-Luc.” Beverly echoed, swallowing her pride for a moment. Eyeing one another while silence slowly settled between them Picard stepped closer. His pulse raging rampantly through his body he wasn’t sure he would survive this day. The first time in his life he felt the massive urge to squeeze his mind and emotions in words. “Beverly, you do know I love you.”

The syllables hanging painfully in the air Picard wondered, why he’d said that without further ado. Really, he did want to tell her for a long time, but he’d planned to explain himself first. Now it seemed he’d just found a new excuse for bad habits and careless deeds. The fact that she didn’t even blink made him nauseous all the more. Vulnerable and he did hate that. Seeing a glint of recognition touching the endless blue of her magnificent eyes for just a faint second crept through his veins and sunk deeper in, ripping every bit of self-confidence into pieces. That he would ever tell Beverly how he felt had been out of question for a lifetime for so many reasons. And right now, he understood backing out wasn’t an option anymore. She’d seen his strength crumbling to plain weakness in mere seconds. “I do love you Beverly, much longer than I want to admit, longer than you care and especially much… much longer than appropriate.” Picard swallowed hard, fully aware he would be at her mercy for all times. She had clutched his torn soul in her wonderful, ever caring doctor’s hands. He turned his eyes to the ground, unable to look at her any longer without breaking.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me you were in love with me?” Her voice was a bare whisper now, her fury grotesquely stopped by his sudden revelation. Dropping her feet flat on the ground and leaning forward, she watched him attentively. The thunder roaring in her heart had settled to a new height, now inflamed by this totally new facet of their strange relation-friend-ship-thing. Beverly couldn’t count all these times he’d acted utterly self-driven and totally unashamed of hurting her or anybody around. Did he even realize that?

Hanging his head in defeat he moved on studying the carpet like a foreign planet. “You were married to my best friend.” He finally admitted, sounding like dark storm far away behind the horizon.
Despite the fact that she was barely able to hear him, this message hit her like a torpedo. Gasping slightly, she felt her pulse quicken, unable to comprehend the dimensions of his declaration. Had he left after the funeral to save his own reputation because of being this conflicted with his feelings for his best friend’s widow? The time she needed him most he’d preferred hiding behind his duties, shedding their friendship like a bad habit. Shedding her like a ghost he couldn’t get rid of fast enough. A painful sigh escaping her lungs Beverly rose from the sofa, stepping closer to his devastated form. He still refused to look at her.

More and more strange incidents rushed through her troubled mind. The first day when she’d set foot on the Enterprise and he’d suggested a transfer right away. He hadn’t wanted her to be around for some selfish reason. The day when she’d visited him in his office while finding a cure for the Tsiolkowsky virus. By God, every other man and possibly woman wouldn’t have resisted this vigorously. She’d seen it in his eyes, the hardly hidden burning desire just beneath his stern surface. Afterwards she’d dismissed his blunt resistance by the simple fact he really wasn’t interested. Oh, but she had been and still was. With or without that damn virus. He’d been too preoccupied with himself to even notice her inner struggle.

The sudden awareness that Jean-Luc Picard was actually just and plainly scared to death because of her was epochal.

Beverly sensed him shifting in front of her, beginning to realize the time to move on had come. “I can’t promise anything, Jean-Luc.” She quickly concluded, still fishing for fitting words. The damage done by his actions sat too deep to just jump over years of hurt.

Nodding in comprehension his eyes finally rose and fixed hers. “I know and possibly it’s not even worth your attention. Just…” In hasty panic he clumsily tried to lighten the disturbing situation. “… promise to stop that awful cursing of yours, I think your captain would appreciate it.” Forcing a vague smile Picard tried to look a little bit more confident than he felt.

Groaning inwardly Beverly watched him withdraw and step back towards the exit. He hadn’t understood anything about her in all those years. “Jean-Luc.”

He stopped dead in tracks, fearing every left part of his pride would be ripped irreversible down to nothing if he gave her any chance to do so. But he felt paralyzed, shaken to his innermost core.
Running a hand through her hair Beverly closed her eyes. “We aren’t finished yet, Captain.” Her voice wasn’t nearly as steady as she wished it to be, but strong with purpose.

The sharp hiss she heard leaving his mouth made her shiver. Watching him still pause right in front of her doors, trembling and not daring to turn back around, Picard obviously was waiting for some absolution or stroke. That she could do this to him with such less effort was remarkable. And all the more terrifying.

Gathering her strength Beverly straightened her shoulders. “If you honestly want this to work, you should come to terms by sparing some room in your own secluded selfish bubble for me. You’re absolutely right… This isn’t even worth a try… especially as long as I’m just a back-up plan to your life, ever present when you fall or fail, Jean-Luc. I’m sick of collecting your shattered pieces every time you chose to hurt yourself physically or emotionally without thinking twice or thinking about the people who matter of factly even dare to love you.”

Her words lingered between them while difficult minutes passed. “You never were anything like a back-up plan for me, Beverly.”

“So, you maybe you just forgot to mention that at some point?” Crossing her arms in front of her chest Beverly got tired of talking to his back. “Would you please care to look at me at least?”

“I can’t.” Picard mouthed.

“Because of?”

“I’m afraid of making a complete fool of myself.”

A dry laugh escaped her lungs, betraying her still offensive position. “Don’t worry about that, Jean-Luc. You already did. Very often, in fact.”

Sighing deeply and letting his tension gradually leave he finally turned, his eyes searching hers. “Did I?”

The tiny smile tugging at her lips didn’t go unnoticed by him. Maybe it’s wasn’t this unreasonable at all. A sudden thought crossed his mind, stopping his pulse for a second. “Did you just say you love me?” He asked, his confidence slightly returning and warmth flooding his cheeks.

Grimacing slightly Beverly stepped closer, stopping just in front of him. “I can’t remember telling you something like this.”

“You just did.” Picard insisted, his stern face mimicking hers while helplessly fighting his flaring emotions down. The sudden sensation this weird something just developed into some very interesting banter quickly increased the uprising heat forming involuntarily below his already fluttering gut. Perhaps he didn’t ever need to gain the upper hand in every freaking situation with her. Possibly he just had to let go and simply trust her way. He always had, very deeply so but failed to tell her. The obvious situation told him, he’d never been anywhere near to be true. In over twenty years it had never occurred to him it could be that simple and denying hadn’t be that helpful either.

Bizarre at it seemed, this terrifying, ever existent attraction was both sided. Jack had never been the problem. He was. He had to adapt if he really wanted her the way he’d always dreamed of. The astounding fact this could be within his reach was still unthinkable.

Awkwardness still present in his hazel eyes, Picard fought the urge to press further. He’d failed miserably last time. Gently encircling both of her upper arms with his shaking hands, his thumbs drawing small circles he managed a small smile. “Maybe you’re able to forgive my shortcomings. The fact that I’m obviously losing any reasonable mind while being with you may be the source for that terrible habit. I hope you don’t mind reminding me in future from… time to time?”

The emotions mirroring in her eyes made him nauseous. Never he’d seen her look at him like this. The pull to give in his desires was overwhelming. “But please… let me…” he begged, his voice breaking. “…love you.”

Closing the unnerving gap between their bodies Beverly felt him shudder while her senses already acted on their own. Finally touching his jaw with careful fingertips, she intently fixed his gaze. The intensity of his hands radiating through her arms and spreading down her chest, speeding her heart even more to an unhealthy rate, she bit her lip. This made no sense at all and still did. Just a few weeks ago she’d thought falling in love with a handsome, charming man suddenly stepping into her life, would be life changing in a way. Too soon she’d recognized this new scenery had lacked the completeness and confidence she had with Jean-Luc right from the start. Nethertheless, she had wanted and needed this so badly that it hurt. The fact she didn’t want to get out of this soft, flurry cloud of happiness after Odan’s departure belayed her loneliness even more. And surprisingly Will had been more than pleased to oblige her very wishes.

In the end she’d fooled herself and possibly betrayed her friend by using him for her own benefit. Beverly certainly knew he would never complain or ever be sorry about that… arrangement. They’d both enjoyed themselves, but finally she had to admit, Will had been inevitable right. The deep, strenuous love she felt for Jean-Luc Picard would never vanish nor lessen as long as they were living in the same universe. Or even without. No matter how much she’d suppressed any rising hope or vague feeling he would be the one taking the first step…

Shaking her head to get rid of all these fleeting, ridiculous emotions Beverly took a deep, calming breath. This didn’t matter anymore. He was right here, begging her for anything she’d ever dreamed of. “Possibly I will remember.” She retorted carefully, causing him to frown in confusion. Quickly pecking his cheek in an attempt to calm his obvious excitement Beverly absentmindedly licked her lower lip. “Yes, there is something, but it’s fainting.”

Picard instinctly blushed, even the top of his ears burning with desire. But he still had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. Honestly, he didn’t care. Every fiber of his being did want to get closer again, reliving this sweet and short, but intriguing kiss. Immediately. He saw her delicate brow rise in wonder. There was a slight movement in her attitude which told him, something had went wrong at some point. Pulling his face closer to hers and stopping just one single beat before colliding again, he suddenly realized the real intention which lay beneath her words.

„I’ll be late for my shift.” Beverly stated almost cool, fixing his hazel eyes with a significance he instantly feared. The awkward unease creeping up his spine with new power strangled his throat. Picard refused to believe in fate, after all this fuzz things would go well from now on. He would ensure it would. “Dinner at nine, my quarters?” The anticipation he felt looking forward to an extraordinary evening with the woman he loved for more than twenty years and finally was able to act on was overwhelming. Until he saw Beverly’s strange hesitation. The blue depths of her eyes settling somewhere below his agitated face she tilted her head, averting his gaze.

Maybe he really didn’t understand her choice of words. He had just turned back to usual as nothing ever had happened. No even more so, he obviously assumed she would be available as usual. Waiting somewhere in the dark until he opted to need her. Or no other occupation got in the way, like any godforsaken Admiral calling for help, ordering him to pull his ugly ass out of some deep Starfleet shit. The fatigue she felt was monumental.

“I’ve already agreed seeing someone else after my shift ends.” Beverly clarified, dearly hoping he would just accept and leave her be. The pain running rampant through her soul would lessen as would his hurt captainly pride. They were both better off without each other.

For the first time he was really speechless. They had talked about everything and had managed to set things straight, hadn’t they? “With whom?” He burst out immediately, failing to hide his distress.

Apparently, he didn’t get the hint or didn’t want to get it. “I don’t think it’s your business, Jean-Luc. Yes, I did say I might love you and I’m probably still standing for that. But that doesn’t mean I’m your property in any sense. There is so much to make up I don’t even know where to begin. A sorry simply is not enough.”

“It’s Will again, right?” He insisted blindly, not even caring to listen, his cheeks heating with anger anew.

Sighing deeply Beverly freed herself from his hardening grip. “Try thinking about your attitude, Jean-Luc. Start with the things you can change about yourself.”

“I…” he tried, his confidence slipping to zero.

“Yeah, I know.” Her face spoke volumes, hiding the strong urge to roll her eyes at him.

“No, you don’t even come close to understanding.” Picard barked.

Crossing her arms to shield herself against his ire her gaze got stiff. “Oh, I think I understand very well. You don’t even realize what’s happening. I can’t jump head over heels for you just because you’re asking me to – now, on a whim. Possibly I would have, years ago. But these times are gone. Too much has happened during those years.”

“I didn’t even know you were in love with me!” His heart skipped a beat while the grieve sunk deeper that he had outright missed this life changing fact. Was it even possible to be that blind? Certainly, he’d felt the awkwardness surging through the room when Beverly had joined him for breakfast as usual only to stumble into a morning tete à tete with Vash, obviously enjoying the lovingly decorated dishes on his table and possibly even more. He knew she had been… surprised at least. That he had hurt her that much or at all had never even crossed his mind, being too busy playing friendly host and soon to be former lover at the same time to another woman. Vash had been a nice distraction and exciting for as long as it lasted. He didn’t dare to think Beverly would end their sacred friendship because of this shallow adventure. But he also wasn’t aware she could be able to return his long-buried feelings.

But still his mind refused to take responsibility while he successfully continued his rant. “That’s absolutely unfair and you know that. You can’t hold it against me ignoring your feelings while you obviously forgot to tell me any of this.”

Picard didn’t want to resume this conversation, the urge to run and hide was irresistible. But he had hidden behind this harsh façade for decades already and immediately pushed Beverly away when things got too complicated or close for him. An unknown, invisible fear hunting him down to unconsciousness. He had also never made any effort of telling her his feelings. His mind was raging. Perhaps this was some sort of an immoral revenge. Or some sick joke of the universe.

Suddenly stepping out of his range Beverly had enough of his silent sulking and shook her head.

“In my world, Jean-Luc, fair means you should learn to accept there are people around you worth of an own heart and soul, important enough to include and respect, no matter how much or even if they care for you just as deeply. And yes, I even believe you love me in your weird way, certainly you think you are and I should consider myself lucky. But I have news for you, Jean-Luc, there is more to it.”

“Beverly, just don’t push me away.” He begged quietly, fully aware of losing any dignity he ever had.

Gathering her frantic thoughts, she placed her right hand flat on his chest. Sensing his turmoiled, artifical heartbeat under her fingertips she almost crumbled. Perhaps she was wrong, perhaps there was something deep inside his heart which meant more. “See you at the senior staff meeting at five, Captain.” She sternly closed, watching him flinch in pain.

Shoving every doubt far away she took a deep, cleansing breath. It was better this way. Even if she felt like a traitor all the way leaving him and her quarters behind.

Chapter Text

Roaming his face again Beverly sighed. Not for the first time. More than glad he’d called some minutes ago, sparing some time from Academy, this was a needed distraction since that disastrous morning. Her private office doors slightly closed she had withdrawn for a quick chat with her son. Spending busy hours in sickbay were perfectly distracting her mind as they always did, but actually seeing him the first time in weeks was beyond compare.

“And then Boothby told us the get the hell out of his brand-new bed of flowers. I really didn’t care to get in touch with this sharp rake of his, Mom.” The pure excitement Wesley held in his brown warm eyes so similar to his fathers was balm for her strained soul, pulling her back to the ground.

“Your exams?” Beverly followed up. One leg pulled up on the chair she’d encircled it with her arms, supporting her head by dropping it on her knee while waiting patiently for him to move on.
“Helena and I have managed the test on top of the class this time!” Wesley blurted out, grinning from ear to toe.

“So… Helena… it is?” She couldn’t hide the rising curiousness, some apprehension and even more blunt surprise which accompanied her question, Wesley had suddenly mentioned a girl.
“Oh Mom, don’t give me that look of yours, she’s just a friend.” Rolling his eyes at his mother while feigning innocence he knew she would see right through him, as ever. He couldn’t be aware she was fighting her own demons right now.

Swallowing hard to stop any sharp-tongued or maybe even embarrassing retort she opted to simply nod. “Nethertheless, I’m happy for you Honey. And in case I didn’t tell you already, I’m very proud of you.” The massive grin she was rewarded with melt her motherly heart in an instant and tore at every nerve ending at the same time. “I love you, Wes.” Beverly managed, forcing herself to return his smile.

“I love you too, Mom.” The moment these words left his mouth he saw her shiver with various emotions. If he didn’t know her this well… Did he see tears forming in her eyes? “Mom, is everything all right?”

She couldn’t process the paralyzing loneliness rushing through her limbs, conquering her heart with so much fierce it almost took her breath away. He looked so much like Jack now almost being a grown man. Desperately trying to hide her rising tears she nodded again. “Of course, Honey. I just… miss you.” Forcing a brave motherly smirk Beverly quickly saw the irritation change into acknowledgement. “Okay. But… Please call me if you need something. I’ve got to go. See you, Mom. I love you.”

The screen went black while her rapidly beating heart trembled in sheer endless pain. Perhaps it was time to leave this cursed ship in search for a new task in her life. A task so busy she would never dare to think of missed chances once again. The tears threatened to rush back, so she quickly wiped them off with the back of her hand. No, she was too strong the get carried away by this sick game. She wouldn’t crumble. She never would…

“Beverly?” She had never registered the hiss of opening doors and following careful knock to her doorframe.

Startled she gazed up, fixing the worried blue eyes of the man she called a friend. “Will, hi.” Beverly felt caught in a way - being weak while anyone was around was a disturbing idea, ever had been since being a small child whose family had been wiped out almost completely. Getting up in a hurry her grim smile was back, plastered on her worn out and tired face. “What can I do for you? Do you need some help?”

Riker took a deep breath, unable to comprehend why Beverly ever chose to be the bravest and strongest woman in this universe by free will. Nobody would be hurt if she dared to stumble from time to time just as every other human being. “I don’t, but I think you do.” He calmly stated, stepping closer. “I would have liked to come down earlier, but I wasn't sure if you wanted to see anyone at all. He’s still up there brooding in his ready room. How did it go?”

Rounding her desk to busy herself she stopped in front of him, gazing hesitantly up. Why on heavens earth did he still bother to… “I’m okay. Maybe we were able to clarify a few things here and there. If you would please excuse me, there’s a patient waiting on the other side …” she lied, more to compose herself than to convince Riker there wasn’t time to talk about anything. The urge to cry went stronger every second she fought harder against it and she suddenly had to admit, he’d certainly recognized the wetness treacherously shining in her eyes long ago. Pulling herself together Beverly started one last attempt to free herself from his concern, averting his imploring eyes she stepped past him. She couldn’t shake the sudden panic striking in when he unceremoniously spread his arms wide for her, slightly touching her elbow. “Care for a big hug?”

The little remaining strength irreversibly slipping like a wave crashing against the shore she felt herself breaking and at the same time vigorously been pulled into his arms. She would have fallen, but instead she found herself in Wills strong embrace, her face pressed against his warm chest. Every damn piece of self-reluctance finally collapsing Beverly let the tears flow, shaking like a fragile tree in a thunderstorm. Will held her close while her sobbing only increased like opening a long-locked floodgate. The mass of pent-up frustration and tension left her rocking body in a minute of silent admission. “Everything will work out, you’ll see.” He murmured, stroking her back in rhythmic circles. “Everything.” And then out of nowhere hell broke loose.

The second the alarm went off both had frozen in place. The triggered red alert was ear-splitting.

"Commander Riker, report to Bridge instantly. Everyone at their battle stations."

“Sickbay, prepare for arriving victims.”

Picard’s orders echoed through the room like a thunder accompanied by large red flashing lights all around. Squeezing her with encouraging gentleness again, they both quickly felt years of training kick in. Hurrying out of her office without any further word, Riker towards the bridge and Beverly running over to her assembling team they fell back in long trained routine.

=/\=

“Aim torpedoes, target their front shields, now!” Picard stood, hands on both sides, the ship shaking vehemently under him while the opposite obviously didn’t let up firing phaser beams in mind-numbing speed.

When the turbolift-doors opened and Riker hurried down the ramp he saw his captain eyeing him closely for a short moment and quickly turning back to the main screen. “Glad, you were able to make it.” He spat acidly, the apparent stains of wetness on his subordinate’s uniform front still prominent in his mind. A new impact next to him caused a console to overload, electric sparks lightening the bridge. Picard was petrified, his jaw working with fierce ire while his mind wandered in haze. No time for sulking, no time for emotions interfering his duty.

Stepping next to his captain, Riker swallowed his own sentiments down. “Status?”

Picard took a deep cleansing breath, gathering hits wits and professionalism. “These damn Amringhar again. After receiving a distress signal of this Thalosian freighter some minutes ago we quickly were able to locate the small ship. Unfortunately, their aggressors are still there. Fighting against all odds and although their weapon systems are far inferior to ours. The problem obviously is, the freighter is already without any protection and their life support systems are almost completely down. We have to act now to save this crew in order to…” The Enterprise shook again, their shields bravely enduring the never-ending bombardment.

“Understood.” Riker nodded, watching the dark, broad ship swiftly move towards this tiny freighter. “Noticeably, they consider this conquered foreign ship as their own property now.” Picard took a step forward. “Prepare aft torpedoes, aim at every damn weapon system which is still functioning.”

“The freighter is calling again, Sir.” Worf growled, throning at the helm.

“Open Channel.” Riker hissed.

“Starfleet vessel, this is the Conolly again, our systems won’t last much longer. We’ve gathered our crew on the bridge to conserve energy. Nethertheless there are some severely injured…” “We’ll send a team. Hold on.” Picard finally barked without further ado.

“Thank you, Captain. Connolly out.”

“Bridge to sickbay. A medical team prepare to beam over, be ready in a minute.”

“Crusher to bridge. Understood. Three ready for transport.”

Her warm, familiar steady voice was unexpected, even if he knew she would be the one to answer his orders. His gut suddenly unceremoniously quenched and pain settled like a dark cloud deep into his chest as dumb realization set in. His shivering hazel eyes met the clear blue ones of William Riker, hesitation and concern unexpectedly surfacing on Picard’s stern features. She’d been right in every aspect to expose this stubborn, incorrigible coward he tried to hide, actually even more so when she was around. Apparently, she’d every right in not trusting his sudden displayed interest in her, when he’d chosen for years to withdraw from anyone he’d cared about or thought he did care. She had witnessed his weakness and shortcomings in all its ugly facet’s. Perhaps Beverly knew him too well to even consider about getting closer with someone who’d impacted her life in such a dreadful way over and over again. Just to expect what exactly? She would be there at the end of the day, waiting for him to come back whenever he chose to? Crawling back to her safe haven while he never even cared to commit to the only woman, he’d supposedly loved above anything else for years. Absolutely ridiculous. Swallowing his rising terror of defeat down, Picard cleared his throat, shutting these awful thoughts out.
“Make it so, Doctor.”

Turning towards Worf his shoulders tensed anyway. “Send them everything we have, Lt. Commander, I want this ship unfit for battle the moment we drop our shields and send our away team on its way over there.” The throbbing in his lungs didn’t lessen, strangling his throat with premonition.

“Aye Sir.” Worf’s large fingers flew over the tactical consoles accompanied by the sound of starting missiles.

Weird silence sank down on the bridge, seconds which felt like hours passed until the Klingon spoke again. “Direct hit, main systems down, Sir.”

With a curt nod Picard told him to carry out the previous transport order. He wasn’t able to voice this out-loud, sensing Rikers intense blaming eyes on him - forcing him to shiver with long buried and still evident guilt. They had done this a thousand times just like this. Imminent danger and urgently needed help, he did send her off right into it - always. Why did it suddenly feel so grotesquely wrong? She had chosen that damn job and it wasn’t his fault she was that brilliant to end as head of the field. And he was her Captain damnit, he had to give those orders, even to her.

“Transportation completed, Sir. Our medical team has arrived on the freighter’s bridge. Doctor Crusher is already sending the first group of five Thalosian’s worst injured ones over.” Worf stated, totally unaffected by his superior’s obvious nervousness.

Thank God. “How many more? Status of the Amringhar vessel?”

Riker studied the new readings displayed on his small screen beneath his seat. “There are thirty-seven Thalosian’s to go… yet thirty-two and our team of course. Weapon systems offline, Captain. Shields down to ten percent. They should be more talkative now.”

Tugging his tunic down the tension escaping slowly, Picard turned. “Hail them.”

“Sir, there is a second ship decloaking!” The young Andorian ensign on the conn yelled, his hands already busy with scanning the slightly larger vessel.

“They do not respond, Captain.” Worf bellowed, while Picard already whirled around towards the main screen in sheer panic. “Get our team back, immediately!”

“We can’t lower our shields, we would be more or less defenseless, Sir!” The Andorian retorted without being asked.

Picard was raging. His emotions playing havoc with his long-trained sense of duty. Honestly, he did give a shit as long as Beverly was over there and he couldn’t, wouldn’t fight his instincts and fears anymore. “GET THEM OUT!” he yelled so everyone turned, gazing him up in surprise.

“SIR?”

Riker rose from his seat, touching his captain’s shoulder. “I wouldn’t advise...” Shaking him off vehemently his eyes spit fire. “Drop these damn shields!” Picard hissed.

“Sir, they’re powering their phaser banks!” It was Worf.

“Now!” The captain was fuming with rage.

“Loaded in five seconds!” The Conn stated.

He heard Worf growl in deep, freeing satisfaction just a single moment before the Enterprise rumbled under their toes. The shaking knowledge, they had lost their opportunity to get their Away team safely back, sunk in like a thrown rock when these weapons unloaded towards the Thalosian freighter also. The Amringhar opted for all or nothing.

The foreign ship buckled vehemently while new massive phaser beams directly hit, rubbing the remaining defenses out like dirt. Holding his breath Picard watched the small vessel crumble, bow with dread, shake vibrantly and finally implode just one moment after a third heavy, dazzling strike hit the fragile shell.

And suddenly time stood still.

From afar he could hear the dust raining down on him, wavering in slow motion and settling on his limbs like lead.

Fixing the empty black space where this small ship had been just seconds ago. He blinked several times, concentrating on the spot until his eyes hurt, the burning spreading with breathtaking force. He had gambled and lost. He’d taken her for granted. For years, decades. Picard listened to Riker barking new attacking orders towards the angry Klingon. Suddenly the floor seemed to open and swallow him up, the feel of been pulled down to purgatory for his inability of not having protected her sufficiently. Just as she would have deserved.

“Captain!” Worf’s strong voice penetrated his haze with a harsh fierceness from behind. He didn’t care anymore.

“I was able to get four more Sir, but the rest is… gone.”

Obviously, his Chief of Security had managed to ignore all reasoning just like him, dropped the front shields if only for a moment to save at least a few and maybe… just maybe - even his unique and only best friend.

Chapter Text

FOUR.

His body shook vehemently with all-consuming silence and somewhere in between the tiniest amount of something like hope.

OF THIRTY-FIVE.

The odds were impressively low. But he had to be sure.

“Direct hit, Sir. Front shields have dropped to 63 percent. They’re increasing power input.” The Andorian stated agitated, trying to get his Captains attention back on focus. “When more Amringhar reinforcements arrive, we'll be in serious trouble ourselves.”

When Picard didn’t even flinch nor move, Riker quickly jumped forward, his features grim. “Take care of this vessel, Ensign. Target their shields and get our ship out of their phaser range, pattern Alpha Omega Two. Do it now!”

He didn’t dare to even ask Worf for it. Certainly, he could tell him exactly WHICH individuals he’d managed to bring back. But now wasn’t the right time and place for it… for fading the still eminent danger out and drown in an emotional breakdown he felt inevitably rise. Watching the massive Klingon squirm under his gaze, a weird behavior he’ never seen on him, all the while quickly executing Rikers commands to busy himself, this tiny glint of false hope slowly expired.

“Return fire!” he heard Riker bark through a haze of numbness, his ears ringing painfully while this room shrank around him, constricting his consciousness in a most alarming way.

“Sir?” He even registered Worf’s concerned question waving over to him like a howl between various lighter phaser hits, while his body already moved on its own towards the turbolift. Actually, he even felt his Number One’s eyes boring into his back when the doors finally closed behind.

But then he didn’t see Will’s sympathetic nod towards the Klingon telling him to let his captain go for god’s sake. They could handle the situation without him for once.

=/\=

He felt like a stranger on his own ship, floating outside his own body and noiselessly moving through the corridors towards sickbay. His mind shut, unaware of all these hectic movements and people, doctors, nurses and patients actually, his feet carried him in. Unable to gather one single reasonable thought his eyes rambled through the crowded room, searching for the one special being he’d lost the connection to some weeks ago and the ever-trusted bond just moments before. After decades of pushing her away to hide his guilt and imagining to protect her, he’d never had the chance to really think about what could have been. Unnerving sounds, frantic movements, a strange mix of voices whispering, talking, even yelling, surrounding and swallowing him up, made his whole mind and body spin with nausea.
From the corner of his eye Picard recognized her right hand in the shape of Dr. Selar, her backside directed at him, positioned in front of one of the many occupied bio-beds in the room. Waving her arms uncharacteristically wild towards a patient he didn’t dare to ponder over the fact why an ever so stoic and calm Vulkan like her would be so... on fire.
His wary eyes scanning the room again, his breath desperately escaping his lungs, Picard finally turned and headed towards her private office.

“That is ridiculous and you know it! I’ll certainly won’t fall off that damn bed… unless I’m dying due a rare case of bullshit.”

His artificial heart stopped dead in tracks, so did his feet.

“Sir, may you please inform Doctor Crusher she is not able to care for any patients in her condition at the moment?” Selar’s distant voice was straight and hard, hitting against his back with unrestricted impatience.

He hadn't heard wrong.

The Vulcan doctor obviously turned, watching him intensely. “Sir?” But he didn’t dare to move, afraid of being woken from a dream. “Maybe she will listen to your captain’s orders.”

“What are you doing down here anyway, isn’t there a fabulous ship to run?” Her voice was sharp, dripping with unhidden sarcasm. He’d never in his life been more delighted being the receiving end of her vivid temper than in this moment. The blissful grin spreading unseen over his face was priceless. “Just pulled from death and already complaining again, doctor?” He finally managed. The joy flooding his veins was overwhelming, but he didn’t dare to show her that.

When he was finally able to turn carefully but all so slowly towards their voices, she could clearly see a last shadow of his odd smirk still solely directed at her, causing a strange fluttering rush through the pit of her stomach and fascinatingly spreading higher.

“Doctor Selar, status report.” He growled just about hearing range while not moving any closer in fear of his artificial heart collapsing under complete overload.

The Vulcan nodded her appreciation. “Luckily or unluckily, Dr. Crusher was the last one which made it, Lt. Cmdr. Worf was apparently able to log on our medical teams stored DNS. Everyone else is already treated or in care of Dr. Hill and our staff, Captain. Nethertheless my superior is obviously recalcitrantly fighting against me attending to her own injuries caused by the last massive attack of Amringhar phasers. I have to point out that these broken ribs of hers and the resulting clenched nerves between will not be too pleasant if not treated properly.” She shook her head in lack of understanding. ”…not to mention the small pulmonary rupture which should be handled soon.” When Picard saw Crusher not so inwardly roll her eyes at Selar he had to watch out to control his slowly slipping stoic façade.

“Will you please leave us alone?” Picard asked flatly, his gaze fixed to Crusher’s sitting form.

Simply nodding the Vulcan left without a further word, knowing for sure the good Captain would certainly have the stronger arguments for handling his willful Chief Medical Officer.

Her hair was tousled while some thorough bruises graced her delicate features. The torn uniform tunic and injuries Selar had spoken of belayed she had been in imminent danger. Even if this freighter would have survived there had been an enormous risk of losing her to this futile but inevitable task. And obviously, Beverly still had the nerve to resist being properly treated. Perhaps the CMO was the second worst patient in her own sickbay, possibly just right after the ship’s captain.

The sparkling depths of her blue eyes suddenly searched his, a strange smile bizarrely decorating her lips - a challenge clearly written in her otherwise serious face. Did she even know what this was doing to him? Over and over again?

Sighing deeply Picard stepped closer, awkwardly holding her thought-provoking gaze. Maybe their time for childish hiding had run out. He was so done with pretending and covering behind this exhausting fake façade and honestly, if she maybe in a way… possibly should feel just like him... why on earth should they go on like this? He had prayed to never see her again after Jack’s funeral, the all-consuming pain eating him alive. Being responsible for this disaster… or to be exact, sending his best friend into certain death while meanwhile craving for his wonderful, breath-taking beautiful wife, was…horribly shameless and disrespectful towards Jack and all ethics he’d cherished all his previous life. He had never wanted her onboard his ship. Never wanted her to come this close again. Never wanted her to see the colossal weakness she caused only by being around or even being his friend, not to think about being something more. Scared to hell of being forced to send her into danger or worse, death, just like his long-buried friend. He wouldn’t survive being responsible again and even worse, he wouldn’t be able to move on without her. Despite ever thinking he would be better off without her; Picard knew he wasn’t. He never would be. And if someday anything happened to one of them, it wouldn’t change a thing in which exact status they were in. There would only be regrets over the steps and routes never taken. Until then they both would stay all alone in their hearts forever, only dangerously colliding from time to time which felt embarrassing at best. Remaining in a bizarre friendship that involved so much more than just this deep, settling happiness and contentment he felt every damn time he laid eyes on her. Roaming her face and gathering his nerves Picard took a last brave step towards her private space. Coming to a halt right between her spread dangling legs he took her warm, trembling right hand in his. Beverly’s faint smile vanished completely.

This wasn’t about her undesired treatment or some sort of revenge caused by her harsh rebuff this morning. The fact he’d chosen to get this close was… distracting at least and unnerving at best. Didn’t he know what this was doing to her?

Hesitantly wetting her lips with the tip of her tongue she didn’t dare to breathe nor to move. Why he chose to approach her here, in her very own, public domain with all those people around, when everything he’d ever wanted was to secure his damn sacred privacy? While he’d let the only love of his life left unattended in an ongoing stress situation in those potentially lesser capable hands of a bridge crew?
There was a fluctuation of hesitancy, no actually horror in his gaze she’d never noticed before.

“I’m okay, really.” She quickly parried, compelled to say something light, shrugging her shoulders to avoid and block the rising awkward silence. He couldn’t be serious, his pleading eyes boring right through her. Maybe she was sorry being this rude. Maybe she was not. Her acerbic retorts only mirrored the thoughts crossing her mind and heart every damn time. Just a little too… dashing sometimes. She’d learned it the hard way to shut her mouth before getting every thought out in the open. And then Jean-Luc dared to challenge her ire more than necessary, fully aware about her flaming temper for more than twenty years. After all he’d been the receiving end more than once when Jack and Walker had fraternized against their senior officer and used her for a cheesy back-up. Beverly had never enjoyed being the executing weapon of her friends and husbands’ silly games. And still, he couldn’t stop himself getting burned by her fiery manner. Perhaps he did actually even like being scorched, crossed her cynical mind for a second.

His left hand had gently dropped flat onto her thigh, now slowly drawing tiny circles on the surface of the fabric. Sending disturbing sensations through her already tense skin Beverly shifted slightly under his touch. This wasn’t to happen, not here and certainly not today, not after everything that had been said. Not after his unsettling, dreadful closeness setting every inch of her body on fire without being asked for. “Jean-Luc, I recommend…”

But he wouldn’t let her finish this time. “Stop it, whatever you want to throw at me.” He murmured strictly, lifting his other hand to her chin and cupping it softly. Leaning even closer so their faces were only centimeters apart he could already feel her body heat and beautiful scent intoxicating his senses. The fact she was accepting his close intrusion without the slightest sign of backing out encouraged his intentions all the more. The only visible effect he was able to detect was an obvious increased pulse and these very adorable blushing cheeks of hers. Swallowing his fears down Picard managed a soft smile. So much had left been unsaid. The years gone by he’d ever hoped to get rid of these impairing ever existent emotions, but he’d been a fool to think this would vanish like a bad habit. To even think he could bury anything so intense had been his biggest mistake. Rather replacing his true emotions while opting for random flings instead. He’d just been too blind to see how much he’d hurt her with his sheer arrogance.

“Will you say something or simply carry on drowning in your mind?” Beverly whispered, not daring to be overheard by all the other people crowding her sickbay. That Jean-Luc would do anything purely ‘emotional’ just in front of this was impossible. Was it? He dared to ignore the possibly increasing audience with incredible obliviousness and stoicism.
His thin smile grew serious again clouded by hidden tears, while his thumb began gently caressing her bruised chin. She saw him swallow again, harder this time, fighting the wetness conquering his eyes. The inner fight he obviously struggled with suddenly lessened while his eyes softened in a way she’d never seen before. Maybe he had, finally and in some strange way, come to his senses and to some decisions.

“I’m so sorry.” Escaped his lips, quietly but insistently. “I’ve been such a damn fool for so long.”
Her heart missed a painful long beat. “I know.” Beverly then retorted dryly, unable to comprehend for what exactly he was going to apologize.

His eyes spontaneously flared up. “I mean it. I’ve been a fool for not telling you about my feelings all those years ago and I’ve been an idiot for hiding the surprisingly new and even stronger feelings catching up with me the second you set foot on this ship. The way you’re impacting every single piece in my world is nothing compared to my fear of losing you. Please, Beverly, forgive my shortcomings whenever you’re involved. I can’t tell you how much you’re clouding my mind in such an all-consuming way that I’m not able to process without making an ass of myself from time to time. I can’t go on like this, knowing you’re breathing, moving, sleeping this close and still out of my reach without a chance of change.”

Sighing deeply Picard cleared his throat with thumping erratic pulse, dearly hoping she wouldn’t run off right after this revelation. Her blue orbs quivered with raging emotions while her lids fluttered slightly. The panic washing through every cell in her system strangling her mind. Did fear guide him? It hadn’t been for the first time she’d been in imminent danger while on duty. It was her job, after all. Was he freaking out or just realizing the truth finally? Her trembling hands chose to softly rise, sliding over his chest to stay right there. This terrifying attraction she’d felt right from the start so many years ago swiftly conquered her senses again and quickly fogged her mind. Damn it. There was no way out if he chose to open up. She’d long since resigned to the fact of being hopelessly head over heels in love with the man she hadn’t chosen by free will. Her heart had made that selfish decision. Denying this was easy as long as he hadn’t interfered in her well-built inner walls. Only to shatter them into one million pieces with this pure loving and all the more longing look now, intruding and dismantling every reasonable thought she ever had.

Carefully, but bravely brushing her shivering lips for a breathtaking, mind-numbing instant his heart stopped a beat. Remaining midway, still nose-touching, he closed his wary eyes to calm his raging mind and emotions slightly down to drop his voice even lower. The steady background noise had noticeably lessened these last moments.
“I don’t want this friendship anymore, Beverly. I’m drowning in that damn jail as long as you’re not coming home with me. And if you want me to beg, I will. But don’t…” Picard almost choked on his words. “… don’t hide your heart. Make now always the most precious time, Beverly. Now will never come again.”

Watching his glistening eyes with awe she felt him tremble under her fingertips, his heartbeat running havoc. He was breaking down already open doors, the common feeling of lightness spreading through her veins and reaching mercilessly the tip of her tongue. “Are you sure you can handle this? I mean, you know you will be compromised?”

Suppressing an uprising, intent groan Picard shook his head. “Gosh Beverly, I couldn’t care less. I was compromised for more than twenty years and I don’t think getting the chance of loving you the way I ever dreamed of since our first evening in San Francisco won’t make it any worse. Right?” Remembering meeting her younger self all those years ago, clad in this impressing formfitting blue nothing, framed by some other students launching the bar which they frequently visited when on earth, his pulse sped even more. Beverly Crusher had not only become even more beautiful and desirable over time, she had also grown to be his anchor, his rock in the surf, the only being he would ever rely and depend on. The one he would step back for whenever needed. Possibly Picard had ever known that, but just now he realized it was his turn to make it happen.

Her wavering emotions reflected his very own in her fluttering, slowly watering eyes and a slight, albeit invisible nod followed. Beverly dared to comment on this, fearing to lose her temper again and crush the scene.
The captain however felt the sudden urge to get even closer, his chest painfully tightening with unfulfilled, brimming desire. Leaning in while grabbing her face with both hands rather roughly he finally captured her inviting soft lips to make things short. He would not let her slip away this time.

To say the intensity of this impulsive action hit her by surprise would have been an understatement. Beverly had never thought of him being that imprudent and demanding in his physical desires. Especially not with her. But suddenly being at their mercy felt… damn right. And she wouldn’t dare to complain for only one second, happily granting his exploring mouth more access while clenching the front of his shirt into her fists.

Even if or precisely because the ogling crowd's eyes just fell out. A pin dropping to sickbays floor would have been louder than the people stopping in mid-motion.

When Beverly finally pulled back, she contently licked her lower lip. Adoring his disarming smile, she answered with one of herself. “Now get up to this bridge of yours and kick these Amringhar asses for me, Captain.”

“I love you.” He said, pecking her lips again. He didn’t even think about leaving, especially not while her knees and legs surrounded his hips in a dangerously tight embrace. Even if his mind would want to, his body did already start betraying him in a way he didn’t appreciate while being in the middle of a crisis. Usually.
Tilting her head her grin grew wide seeing him squirm under his raging hormones, his cheeks blushing nicely. (same paragraph, since it's still Beverly speaking) “I know.” She confirmed quietly, preoccupiedly brushing some remains of lipstick from his mouth. “Please go, before you’ll embarrass both of us even more. I’m not used to stripping my soul in front of my team.” Picard could see her eyes flashing with hidden humor. Obviously, Beverly did truly enjoy being in charge.
Gently encircling her wrists again with both hands Picard stepped back a little. “I’ll send Selar over, please let her do her job properly as long as I’m taking care of our little problem up there. I will seriously check her success on that matter later.”
Her brow shot up in wonder mixed with sudden delight. “You’ll do?”
“I will. Every tiny piece no matter how small, Cherie.”

FINIS

Chapter Text

Ten Forward

“That’s quite unusual, don’t you think?”

“Oh, but I appreciate this. It’s inspiring, fulfilling and absolutely… scandalous. And… you were unquestionably right. In case I forgot to mention this. I’m really sorry.”

“Another Klingon blood-wine, Doctor?”

“Awww yes, thank you Guinan.”

The dark eyes of the El-Aurian Bartender followed her both guests happily enjoying each other’s company while she placed the elegant glass-bowl in front of the redhead.
“You’re welcome. Call me if you need anything else.” Not waiting for an answer, she turned and left.

“Nothing to be sorry for. I'm all grown up, you know. Even if it’s hard to see from time to time…” Sipping the cold orange beverage Beverly had identified as Romulan ginger ale, which sounded weird in its own way, Will Riker smirked like a chestchire cat being caught stealing. Leaning closer over the table he flashed the doctor which sat directly across from him his best disarming smile.

“And if you’re feeling lonely now and then…” His eyes sparkled in mischief.

Rising her hand to stop his further teasing Beverly chuckled lightly. “Don’t you dare seducing me again, Commander…”

“Ouch, that hurt.” He slapped his fists in front of his chest, seemingly stricken. “I would never… ever…” and then rose his own hand for her to see. “Fingers crossed.”

“As if…”

“Oh my, there you are!” Deanna Troi, also still clad in uniform like her colleagues, stepped closer towards the table, watching her friends grinning at each other. “Did I miss something?” She asked, pulling the chair between out and dropping unceremoniously onto it. The feeling she’d been left out again was slowly eating her strained nerves. Thoroughly. But then she didn’t miss the look both of them exchanged fleetingly. They had been discussing some private matters, obviously. Again. And while she hadn’t met one of them since the incident in Rikers quarters she’d sensed Picard’s newly achieved total anxiousness, radiating towards her over numerous decks not so long after the destruction of the Thalosian vessel and Beverly’s last second rescue. The distinct feeling something had been resolved without her attendance was satisfying and terrifying at the same time. In fact, she still didn’t know what exactly had happened. Beverly had her walls strictly up and Will seemed relaxed as ever. She felt herself tense with new anticipation and was therefore startled when a gigantic, completely exaggerated chocolate sundae was placed directly in front of her on the table.

“Balm for your lovely, battered Betazoid’s soul.” Guinan remarked softly and stepped back.

Troi did her best to ignore Beverly’s and Will’s amused glare and grabbed for the spoon without prejudice. “Thank you.” She snarled towards the barkeeper, which retreated to the background as unobtrusive as she had appeared. Shoving quickly a mouthful in she looked up and saw them smile in unison. “What?” she managed.

“Happy now?” Riker prodded, rubbing his chin in thought.

Feeling her cheeks blush Troi groaned. “Depends on.” Swallowing hesitantly, she gathered the nerve to ask the right question. “Are you both…”

The doors of Ten Forward opened again and welcomed a new guest to the otherwise empty room. She couldn’t hide the gasp leaving her lungs while the doctor and the commander simultaneously turned around watching the captain, already clad in casuals, slack pants and a simple dark shirt, strolled towards the table. His face held no emotion, neither did his attitude.
Now I will get my answers. Once and for all, Mister Riker. Deanna shook herself out of her reverie.

“Captain.” She greeted, forcing a smile and inwardly awaiting a tsunami of biblical dimensions. And her redheaded friend would certainly fight back like a demonic hyena. The creative picture her mind painted was some sort of an apocalypse scenario. Why exactly she had no clue. Maybe she also had a habit of exaggerating a little in her diabolic fantasies sometimes.

Picard stepped up, threw Riker a single blank look and switched over to his Counsellor. “Deanna.” He nodded. Troi swallowed again, hard this time. The captain turned towards the doctor. And leant down. “I see you’re enjoying some company. May I be so bold to kidnap you?”
His voice a bare whisper he even dared to softly kiss Crusher right in front of his other officers.

Deanna couldn’t hide the shock hitting her face. Her redheaded friend gently cupped Picard’s jaw. “Of course...”

Troi choked, flipped rapidly around to Riker and flung him a baffled look. When on heavens earth had that happened? No fucking thunderstorm, no enormous volcano erupting?

Riker chose to shrug his broad shoulders only and offered a large sympathetic smile. And directed at his superior he said. “Oh Sir, I’m still amazed about the trick you used handling the Amringhar. I don’t think they will ever cross our paths again.”

Beverly felt Jean-Luc shift in her grip, turning only his head and his brow rise in amusement. Gazing towards his Number One he suddenly gifted him with a mild smile. “Trick, Will? That’s quite an understatement. But it did the job, didn’t it?” Exchanging a knowing smirk they both agreed without any uttered word instant ceasefire and the end of any hostilities. Propping himself on the doctor’s chair Picard turned back to her to explain. “Oh, the Commander did fine, I was responsible for the subtleties only.”

The intent look he sent her leaning just centimeters above was priceless, a challenge clear in his hazel eyes. Troi suddenly gasped, now fully aware of the sizzling electricity between. She had felt the powerful emotions in all its glory in a flash, the walls finally crumbled and Beverly too much distracted by the captain’s unusual closeness.

“I can imagine.” Crusher retorted, her eyes sparkling dangerously. She couldn’t quite determine when this had gotten so disturbingly intense. Sucking her bottom lip between her teeth she tried to hide her anxiousness this was really happening. “You wanted to check Selar's work?” She finally offered, gathering her wits.

His heart missed a beat. Regardless how much dignity he wanted to show especially now, it felt definitely slipping just by looking in her hungry eyes. Swallowing the forming lump Picard nodded. “Right, ahhh… yes, that's exactly what I had in mind, Doctor.” Straightening his back he rose, tugging on his shirt to reclaim some pride. Reaching a hand out to her which she gladly, cautiously took and pulling her up, he nodded towards Troi and Riker. “Number One, Counsellor. Have a nice, calm evening. A concluding senior staff meeting tomorrow at ten will do it. Acknowledged?” Beverly leant forward. “Good night.”

Deanna still couldn’t trust her eyes, watching both of them exiting Ten Forward, the Captains arm neatly wrapped around the doctor’s waist. When the doors finally shut, she whirled around.

“Don’t you tell me, you didn’t know about that!” Catching the large shovel-like spoon again and stuffing it in the poor remains of her fading sundae she grimaced sourly.

Riker exhaled deeply and began to form a devastating smile. “Uhuh so Deanna… just tell me … do you have plans for tonight?”

FINIS.

Really. I mean it. 😊