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Approximately 72 hours and 50 minutes.
It wasn’t like him to lose count, but the days blend together. This has happened before. Adrian was rarely an insomniac, if something Earth-shattering didn't happen to disturb him enough to lose sleep over it - He was functioning relatively normal.
Natalie kept visiting and asking. Asking, offering and caring but somehow, someway, he wasn't able to give answers this time.
He kept having the cycle of feeling okay, then suddenly almost passing out from exhaustion in the most inconvenient places. Zoning out more and having slower movements. Luckily, so far the police didn't need him this week so he didn't meet anyone besides Natalie and Dr. Bell.
When he tried sleeping, he just tossed and turned in his bed. It's not like the last time, where he kept thinking about a certain thing or meeting. All was the ordinary. In the rare moments of getting a maximum of 3 minutes, he woke up once again with the most hollow feeling in his chest. Flaring up panic disorder? It's been a while.
It was the type of anxiety where one is strangely aware of their vulnerability. The void, the absence of life. Once it sounded like a blessing, but now it was just worrying. He kept thinking of what has changed in the recent months but ultimately came up with that he has simply just lost his mind.
A bad omen or a sixth sense? Whatever it was, it was keeping him awake. And the longer he was awake, the more he couldn't hide his insomnia from everyone else.
- Come on, Mr. Monk. – Natalie sat at the table, reading the newspaper. Pretending to read at least, as her eyes were focused on one point. – Why don’t we call Dr. Bell again? Maybe he will be able to come up with a new idea this time.
Adrian sunk even more into his sofa with a sigh. – We have discussed every possible thing. Childhood, Trudy, high school, Trudy, work, police. Being a detective.
- And he thinks that your panic attacks could be related to the stress from your previous cases, right?
- Yes, but that doesn’t make any sense.. Nothing was more stressful than before. The cases have always been like this, so by that logic my whole life is stressful.
- I mean he is not wrong. To be fair, you get into a lot of life threatening situations. It wouldn’t be surprising.
She was silent for a minute, deep in thought. Too silent as she glared at Adrian.
- What?
- Nothing.
- What? – He asked quirking up his eyebrows. – Is there something you want to share?
- It’s just that.. You said your panic attacks center more around the fear of death. If you are this scared of dying, you want to live Mr. Monk. Maybe more than ever before.
Adrian entertained the idea for a few seconds. – So, my sudden „love for life” will ultimately kill me. - The silence stretched out more. – Natalie, I changed my mind. Call Dr. Bell, do you think anyone has ever asked him how to make them more depressed agai-
- No! - Adrian already tried reaching for the phone but Natalie got to it before he could dial Dr. Bell's number. – Mr. Monk, I really think we should go somewhere. Walking outside will make you tired enough that surely you will fall asleep at some point.
There was no point in disagreeing. They are going out and he has to try his best to act as human as possible in public.
The day was beautiful. It was early spring and even though they were in the city, one could faintly hear the birds. The signs of an opportunity of a new start, San Francisco was always stunning. What if the most basic things in your life will bring you happiness instead of the opportunities you are chasing? What if it was always in front of you?
Surely not. It's just the consequences of being able to observe all the surroundings with all the extra time on hand. There is nothing poetic or exquisite about the mundane. Because that would mean it was always there and he -
He kept ignoring it. He barely lived at all.
Natalie and Adrian walked very slowly, but Adrian didn’t notice. She was talking but he didn’t hear a word.
It's just birds. It's just a city. That's all there is and always was. All of this distraction is a momentarily solution. Could he be distracted for the rest of his life? So he could never have to think about the past again, to be distracted by something, or someone-
- .. the Captain?
At that, he looked up. – Hm?
- I said, why didn’t you talk to the Captain? You usually talk with him, but you didn’t even try reaching out.
He sighed, he does that a lot nowadays. Approximately 110 hours by now. – What could I say to him? „Leland. If I don’t figure out how to sleep soon, you are invited to my funeral. Please don’t be late.”
- Oh, Mr. Monk. Don’t say that, you are not dying. And when did you start worrying about what to say to him?
- I’m not.. I’m not worrying.
- The famous Mr. Monk not worrying? Unheard of. – Natalie jokingly pushes him. She is smiling but it doesn't quite reach her eyes.
Natalie means well, she is an angel. But the walking didn't help at all. She went home a couple hours ago, as it was nearing 11pm.
Of course he wanted to call Leland. He knows his number by heart, so why couldn't he bring himself to press call everytime he started dialing? The phone was laying in his hand and Adrian was just staring at it when it suddenly broke the silence of the room and rang.
He couldn't even be quick enough to speak first when his name was called with such obvious kindness of someone so familiar. It almost made him feel ashamed that he kept avoiding hearing it. – Monk!
- Leland? How are you still awake?
- I could ask the same. Good to hear from you too, Monk. Nothing special, just wanted to call to know how have you been.
Something was wrong about his voice. As if he was forcing it a little, to sound positive. Adrian so badly wanted to ask why, but he kept his concerns to himself.
- I’m fine. Thank you.
There was a pause at the other end of the line. What’s the matter?
- I know the past few cases weren’t the easiest.. That’s why I wanted to make sure everything is alright.
The past few cases? This thing again, should he blame all of his stress on his work? Nothing out of the ordinary happened by Adrian's standards. Leland continued.
- Actually, the reason I'm awake is because we've been called. There was a shooting nearby, a few streets down.
And suddenly the feeling was back. The hollowness in his chest, his heart rate picking up.
- I’ll come with you.
- What?
- I’ll come with you. It's better if you are not going alone.
- I am not going alone. There will be a few policemen coming with me. – A few seconds of silence. – But if you insist.. It would be good to see you.
Adrian smiled a little. Leland cleared his throat.
- I'll come and get you, is 10 minutes good?
- No, no–
- 20?
- I’ll walk.
- What? No way, you’re not. You just said it's better if I don't go alone-
- I’m okay, Leland. I think I just need to get some fresh air. Give me the address, I will meet you there.
He heard the reluctance in Leland's voice as he wrote down the street name and number. They hung up but it was obvious that Leland was uneasy and suspicious. It didn't take long to be ready and out of the door.
All the policemen could see it. One person dead, several injured. Some lunatic using a gun for his own entertainment. This wasn't anything special for the department, and yet the Captain couldn't even stay still. Checking his watch, looking around for the past 20 minutes.
He kept pacing around anxiously until he saw a familiar figure and his shoulders relaxed, tension slowly sweeping away as they walked towards each other. – Monk. – Stottlemeyer smiled all until they reached each other and he got a closer look. Adrian has never looked as worn out as now. It was almost midnight, only the street lamps giving light and still, the dark circles on his face were prominent. And yet, he looked so relieved to see Leland.
Leland probably looked the same. It was taking extra effort to not reach out and hug him.
- Leland. - For some passing time, they just stared into each other's eyes. It was only maybe two or three seconds, but the policemen in the back shared a look with each other and put their focus back to the crime scene. The Captain was fine now. – So, what happened?
They walked towards the body as Stottlemeyer explained, putting his hand on Adrian’s back as he guided him. – Whoever it was, they weren’t a professional and used a shotgun. Several missed shots in the walls behind over there.
He was so tired. God, Adrian was so tired. The only thing that was still keeping him conscious was the feeling of Leland's hand on his back that he still didn't pull away.
He only realised that he didn't answer when Leland just waited. He usually notices something out of place about the scene, but today it was only him who felt out of place. He could feel the Captain's eyes on his face.
- Alright. Monk, let’s go back home. – The sentence felt final. No room for argument. – I don’t know what happened, but let’s –
All of a sudden the loud sound of fired shots shook the place.
- Down! Everybody get down! – The Captain hid behind the car and dragged Adrian down next to him. Stottlemeyer was fast, but Adrian reacted one second later. – Is everybody alright?! They were firing from south, go!
Then he turned to Monk with worry, eyes scanning for any injury but he couldn’t see much in the dark. – Are you hurt?! – His voice was frantic.
- I.. - Monk put his hand to his own chest, breathing heavily.
That’s when Leland froze. Monk pulled his hand away and it was stained crimson.
- No. No no no, Adrian- Not you- Someone call an ambulance! Now!
So this is what it was. The fear wasn’t for himself, it was for Leland. If he wasn't standing next to him, the bullet would've hit him straight in the chest. Thank God it didn’t.
It hurt so much. He was so tired.
The surroundings started to blur, he could only feel Stottlemeyer's hand on his wound pressing down, while his other held him close. His only focus was his face buried in Leland's neck.
- Adrian, don’t you dare close your eyes. – Leland was slightly rocking them back and forth as he spoke, voice choked up and wavering. – You hear me? This is a command.
But after 120 hours, Adrian Monk finally did. Peacefully, after 5 days he was laying unconscious and sleeping in Leland's arms – while Leland was less and less sure he was still alive himself.
He has experienced this feeling before.
Many years ago, with a single phone call and a few words – he was rendered speechless. It doesn’t happen often that the outside world ceases to exist for him. His position demands him to be on high alert, even when is isn’t supposed to. Some parts of him is always looking out for the next possible threat.
So why couldn’t he feel that something was wrong?
He remembers Randy’s voice in the background as he was picking up the phone – A call from Mexico. Even if Leland wasn’t really aware yet or realised the reason, he smiled at the mention of His name.
Then the caller continued and he almost dropped the phone. Leland barely felt like he was still existing, Randy’s voice didn’t even sound like words are being spoken anymore, just strange static noise.
Adrian Monk is dead.
It echoes. The colors fade from the room a little, all seemed more dull. Randy was looking at him, expectantly but the tinge of worry was noticeable from the way his eyebrows were furrowed. Sometimes you don’t realise someone’s real impact on your heart until there is a finality. Especially against your will.
Adrian was dead and Leland were miles away.
But not this time. He was right here and Adrian was not dead yet and if it’s up to Leland, he never will be. What is the point of being a Captain if he can’t protect the people he loves the most?
Loves.
He was staring at his hands, his skin still red with Adrian’s blood.
He didn't hear the nurse approaching him until her voice pulled him from his thoughts. Leland looked up at her with fear, is hoping one last time still possible or will it break his heart?
- Mr. Stottlemeyer.
Not a good start. Too polite.
- The operation was successful. The bullet somehow didn't hit any important arteries, he is still asleep. Most likely, he can go home in a few days.
Thank God. Leland buried his hands in his face, subtly trying to hide the way his eyes were tearing up. He looked back up when she continued.
- Does he have anyone to take care of him? He still needs to be very careful at home for a few weeks.
- He does. – Leland answered without hesitation. He wasn’t talking about Natalie.
- Great. Then I think that’s all.
- Thank you, Miss. Can I-
- You can go and see him, yes.
Before she could finish the sentence, he was already out of sight. But Leland faltered when he reached Adrian's room.
Oh, how he hates this sight. Adrian hooked up on all kinds of machines, it simply doesn't look right. He wants to kill the guy who is responsible for this with his own two hands.
While he was waiting outside for the surgery to end, he called Natalie. She told him all about the past 5 days and he was internally cursing both himself and Adrian. Why didn’t he visit or reach out to Adrian sooner? Being awake for 5 damn days. Why didn’t he tell anything to Leland? For such a smart guy, he is an idiot sometimes.
It doesn’t matter now. He stepped closer and pulled the chair up next to the bed. Adrian looked so still it made Leland sick.
- Hey.. You really scared everyone.
Leland thinks back of just the few previous hours. The ambulance arriving, they are trying to take Adrian from him but he can't let go, he can't- and yet the nurses pry him away from his hands. "The man can't think straight, hold him down." They let him into the ambulance but keep their eyes on him very closely.
- Mostly me, especially me. – Leland slowly took Adrian’s hand in his own and started brushing the back of his hand with his thumb. To calm him even in his sleep, but it mostly calms Leland instead. A proof that he was still there. – I know I’m not the best person when it comes to talking about feelings. You probably already know that, don’t you?
He looked at his face, but got no response.
- But I want you to know that you can tell me anything. I can be there for you, I wish- I wish- No.. I want to be there for you more. So please.. – He squeezed his hand a bit stronger. – Stay alive, wake up and let me.
- Oh, I will stay alive. Don’t worry about that.
Leland whipped his head up in surprise as their eyes locked. He froze once again.
- I missed you, Leland. – Adrian smiled at him and that shook him from his trance. As much as he was able to with the machines around them, Leland put his arm around Adrian’s shoulders and pulled him closer.
- So did I.
From this distance, Adrian could hear his heartbeat and the longer he held him, the more it calmed down.
As promised, the hospital let him go home after a few days. Leland almost never left, and essentially moved in to Adrian's house for the weeks after. Natalie still came by and helped, but a lot of times she caught herself watching the two and smiling. The weeks stretched into four, five and six weeks until they were living together for almost two months. It took some time and bickering to adjust to each other's habits at home, but it wasn't anything they couldn't solve.
Leland was drinking coffee when he spoke up. – I keep thinking.. You sleep normally since we came back from the hospital. Did you figure out what solved it?
- Besides being shot in the chest?
He gave a look to Adrian. – Oh, I’m sorry. So if that happens again, what? We will get you into a life threatening situation where I almost knock out three nurses again?
Adrian laughed a little and Leland found that he couldn’t really be mad. – I mean, that would also be a way to sleep.
Alright, maybe Leland could be mad. Adrian already saw him trying to protest so he continued. – But no, it won’t happen again. I’m sure of it.
- How could you know? What solved it?
Adrian stopped and looked into his eyes before answering.
– You.
Even if he isn't fully aware of it yet, everytime Adrian and Leland are together, Leland heals something he didn’t break.