Archive of Our Own ^beta

Today’s the fucking day. Ed’s alarm jolts him awake, and in a haze he reaches out blindly to grab for it and mute it. Then, as he peers at the screen with one eye open, his face still pressed into his pillow, he groans as he sees the calendar reminder practically glaring at him:

Anne and Mary Wedding
4pm

With a groan, Ed drops his phone face-down on his bedside table and turns his face into his pillow. This fucking wedding… The last thing he wants to do right now is go to a fucking wedding. As he lies there, he contemplates just not going. He could be sick, absolutely miserably ill, stuck in the bathroom with stuff coming out of both ends. He could, but he knows he shouldn’t try. Those two know him too well, they’ll know it’s an absolute lie, and Ed doesn’t feel like going the extra mile to make it not a lie. 

They’re expecting him, and Ed knows he shouldn’t let them down. Shit, they’ve already threatened him once about backing out. Well, Anne has anyway, naturally. He remembers the passively sympathetic look Mary gave him too, tinged with amusement, because they both know that when Anne is calling shots, there’s no stopping her. 

“We’re already losing one from the booked headcount now, we sure as hell won’t be losing a second, Eddie. You’re going to be there, you hear me? You can’t duck out just because your plus one ghosted you.”

It was harsh, and it had fucking hurt when Anne said it. It still sits bitterly in Ed’s chest even now, a month and a half later, but she’s right. With a sigh, Ed rolls onto his back and stares up at the ceiling, blinking rapidly to try and push back the prickling heat in his eyes threatening to turn into tears. He’s lost enough tears, and yet they just keep coming.

His plus one. His fucking plus one. Ed guesses that really is all he was. It’s just that… Ed thought…

His vision blurs and a tear slips free, sliding down his cheek. Ed sighs and wipes his face, and then closes his eyes as he rests one arm on his forehead. He takes a few deep breaths, trying to shake the heavy boulder of emotion free from his chest. He gives himself a moment and then sits up in bed, rubbing at his face again and letting his shoulders slump.

“Stupid fucking Stede Bonnet,” he says to himself, squeezing his eyes shut to prevent a fresh wave of tears from forming. He shouldn’t waste any more tears on the man, not when he up and disappeared off the face of the Earth the way he did. Stede’s not worth it. 

Except he is, though. Or, he was. Ed just wishes he could understand why. One minute, things were amazing, and they were laying right here on this very bed together, cuddled close and whispering to one another in between kisses. They fell asleep wrapped up in one another, legs tangled under the covers, smiles on their faces.

Then, Ed had woken up alone.

It just doesn’t make any sense. Why did Stede leave? He cut off all contact too, ignoring Ed’s texts and not answering his calls, until a few days had passed and his messages stopped going through entirely. Blocked, ghosted, gone, Ed’s heart ripped out and taken with him.

And now he has to go to a fucking wedding and be surrounded by reminders of people who are happy and in love and celebrating being in love. Ed sure as hell hopes they have an open bar, because he suspects that’s going to be the only way he’s going to get through this.

“Okay, Teach,” he mutters to himself, sitting in his car and gripping his steering wheel tightly. “You can do this. Just… plaster on a fake smile and survive what – two, three hours? You can survive three hours. You can do anything.”

Ed watches people filtering into the venue as he sits there, attempting to psych himself up enough to get out of the car and go inside. This is, of course, after spending a good hour attempting to psych himself up in the shower, interspersed with a little bit of crying and resisting the urge to punch the shower wall once or twice. 

It’s an improvement, admittedly. And a new day. He’s got this.

Softly, Ed smacks the steering wheel and nods to himself, breathes in deeply, and nods before getting out of the car. He fastens two buttons of his suit jacket and checks himself in the reflection of his window, tilting his head from side to side. He’s pulled his hair up in a high ponytail, tugging a few strands out to frame either side of his face. He’d gone with one of his favorite suits—the navy blue one with black lapels and black buttons, paired with a crisp white button-up shirt and a black bow tie. At the last moment, he’d decided to accessorize with a watch, two gold chain necklaces, a matching gold bracelet, and five rings scattered across his fingers. 

So yeah, Ed knows he looks good. As hesitant as he is to admit such a thing, it is good armor. Stede might have discarded him and fucked off, but he’s always been right about that. 

“Not the time,” he mutters to his reflection with a frown. “Get him out of your head and get through this.”

Ed takes another moment to test his smile, which at first looks more like a grimace than a smile. He openly cringes at himself, clears his throat and tries again. Finally he gets there, settling on something he thinks is mostly passable, and with a roll of his shoulders, turns and heads into the venue.

The place is decked out to the nines, and even with Ed’s reluctant mood, he’s impressed. Anne and Mary have always had taste, and it shows here with the gorgeous, intimate antique vibe that shouldn’t work for them and yet somehow does perfectly. Ed quickly clocks the location of the bar, and heads in its direction to go ahead and snag an early drink before the ceremony. It is in fact an open bar—as he hoped, fuck yes , he’d honestly expect nothing less from these two—and he gives the bartender a half-hearted smile as he asks for a glass of wine. A quick glance at his watch confirms that Ed has about ten, fifteen minutes before the ceremony should be starting, so he lingers at the side of the bar on his own and watches people arrive and mingle. He recognizes a few people, but most are new faces. Ed hasn’t run with their crowd in years, so it makes sense. He can’t decide if that’s gonna make this whole thing better or worse. 

Before long the music shifts to signal it’s almost time to start, so Ed sighs, downs the rest of his wine, and heads into the ceremony hall. He slides into a seat in the last row, not wanting to draw any attention to himself if he can help it, and rests his arm along the back of the empty seat to his left. People are coming in and sitting down in groups, whispering and laughing excitedly as the wedding party minus the two brides filter in, and Ed glances up at the ceiling and breathes deeply. 

He can do this. He can ignore the heavy feeling settling into his chest once again, the one threatening to pull him under. He can shove this poison out, erase all trace of everything Stede did to him, and fucking move on with his life.

He stands when everyone else stands, waits as both Anne and Mary make their way to the front, and sits back down again. He stops paying attention, picking a fixed point on the wall near their heads to stare at so it’s not so obvious, and wills for this to pass quickly. Soon Anne’s giving her vows, saying something about Mary in a weirdly realistic face mask and surprising her that pulls muted laughter from the crowd, and just as Ed’s wondering if he can slip out of his seat unnoticed to get another glass of wine, movement in his periphery draws his attention as someone sits down beside him.

“I’m amazed no one’s got a knife in their back yet,” the newcomer mutters in a low voice. Ed snorts and shakes his head, a smirk sliding onto his face as he starts to glance over. 

“Yeah, well, day’s still young, all bets are off once dinner—”

Ed stops mid-sentence as he finally looks over to see who snuck in, and his smirk drops instantly. It feels like his chair has tipped out from under him with the way everything spins, and he curses himself for not registering that voice properly from the get-go. But there he fucking is, Stede fucking Bonnet, having the nerve to one) show up at this fucking wedding, and two) sit next to him, and fucking three—

“Hi.”

Stede even has the nerve to look sheepish, and Ed doesn’t realize he’s balled his hands into fists until he can feel his fingernails biting into his palms. The ceremony is nothing more than white noise now, muffled and far away as if Ed’s been dunked underneath the water. He doesn’t know whether to scream, laugh, or cry, all the emotions warring with one another deep inside of him and leaving Ed …

Empty.

“Listen, I’ve got no right sitting here with you like this,” Stede says in a soft tone. His hands are folded on his lap and he’s picking at one of his thumbnails, something he tends to do when he’s nervous and trying not to fidget. Ed hates himself for remembering, but knows he could never forget.

“You’re right. You don’t.” 

Ed should get an award for responding as quietly as he does. And the Oscar for best dramatic performance in a leading role goes to … He tries to keep his face as passive as possible, even when he gets the smug satisfaction at watching Stede’s eyes widen and his lips part slightly in surprise over his stony, clipped tone. 

“In fact,” Ed says before Stede can find his bearings enough to speak again, “you’re real lucky I don’t feel like incurring the wrath of Anne Bonny on her wedding day, because it’s the only thing keeping me in this fucking seat right now.”

Stede nods, glancing down at his lap with a reserved, sad smile on his face. “That’s fair.”

Ed’s heart is pounding; it feels like it’s about to burst out of his fucking ribcage. He’s consumed by part fury, part proximity to the only man he’s ever truly loved, and all wrapped up in terrifying, painful heartbreak. It feels as though the past two months never happened, and he’s woken up alone and abandoned again, even with the source of it all sitting right here beside him. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Ed asks, barely keeping his voice from trembling. He unclenches and clenches his fists again, tearing his gaze away from Stede to look ahead once more. If he stops looking at Stede, maybe he can get through this. There’s another shift of movement in the corner of his eye, presumably as Stede attempts to turn towards Ed more directly, but Ed won’t fall for it. He won’t look back. He can’t.

In front of them, Anne and Mary are exchanging rings and smiling at each other, and the entire thing just feels like the universe’s attempt at a sick fucking joke.

“W-well, to celebrate them of course, but uh.” Stede pauses sucking in a deep breath as if bracing himself. “But I hoped that you and I could, ah, talk? Perhaps clear the air a bit?”

Ed clenches his jaw. Anne and Mary are leaning in, holding each other’s hands tightly as they kiss and the rest of the guests erupt into cheers. The ceremony was as quick as Ed thought it might be, thank fuck, and he’s itching for the second they leave the room so he can get as far away from Stede as he possibly can.

He needs another drink. Or five. Or maybe some elaborate escape plan to get the fuck away from here and never look back.

“Yeah, good luck with that.”

Now’s his chance, as Mary is tugging a gleeful Anne out of the room through a side door, and Ed’s on his feet without sparing a glance back at Stede. He charges down the row of chairs in the opposite direction, ignoring Stede’s strained protest asking him to wait, and makes a beeline out of the main hall, past the open bar, and into a single gender-neutral bathroom near the main entrance before anyone can stop him or get in his way.

The slam of the door behind him rings in Ed’s ears like a gunshot. He can barely stop his hands from shaking as he fumbles to lock the door, breathing heavily as he walks over to the sink and leans forward to brace himself on it. The ceramic is cool against his hands and he grips it tightly, hanging his head and squeezing his eyes shut as his breaths come out in deep, unsteady gasps.

“No, pull it together, Teach,” he says with a huff, before lifting his head again and staring at himself in the mirror. He’s not the one who should be hiding in a bathroom fighting off some type of anxiety attack. He’s not the one who fucking left. Breathing deeply, Ed pushes off the sink and rolls his shoulders.

Stede said he wants to talk. Here? Now? Who does he think he is, swanning back into Ed’s life so easily and just sitting down next to him like that? Ed shakes his head at the absolute brazen audacity of that man. If he wants to be at this wedding too and try to give Ed whatever fucking excuses are rattling around in his head, fine.  

Stede can do whatever he wants. Ed doesn’t care.

Okay, so maybe Ed does care.

A little.

Whatever.

He pauses, fresh glass of wine in hand, as he’s walking over towards the collection of tables with empty plates and fancy name cards and massive floral centerpieces, as he catches sight of that all-too familiar head of blond curls sat next to an empty chair that Ed can only guess fucking belongs to him. He breathes in deep through his nose and grips the stem of his glass tightly. Of course they would be sat together, they were originally coming together after all. Ed should have expected that Anne wouldn’t budge on the seating arrangements for his sake. Not like anyone probably expected the seat to fill at this point anyway.

Sighing, Ed shakes his head and drinks half the wine in one gulp. Lifting his chin, he starts moving again, determined to get over there and sit down before someone at this event decides to try and stop him and ask questions about literally anything. He yanks his chair back without preamble, barely managing not to smirk as he watches Stede jolt in surprise at the sudden movement, and sits down without looking over at him. 

The little placard with the dinner menu listed on it includes rabbit as part of the main course. Lovely. Ed desperately hopes that it tastes less like actual shit than the trial run he’d been a part of the last time he was over at Anne and Mary’s house. Although, he thinks he’d gladly suffer through it if that meant Stede was stuck eating rabbit shit. 

Yeah okay, that’d be worth it.

There’s movement in the corner of his eye as Stede shifts in his chair, but Ed won’t give in and look. He can’t. He stares harder at the menu, wondering if he can burn a hole in it if he concentrates hard enough. Oooh, now there’s an idea. If something were to set fire, the building would have to be evacuated, and then Ed could get the fuck out while everyone else was preoccupied. Just a small fire, enough to disrupt things but not enough to hurt anyone or cause any proper damage. Ed doesn’t want their whole day ruined, after all. 

“Listen, I know that… I mean… The seating is assigned, so…” Stede stammers, speaking quietly. 

“Do whatever you want, mate,” Ed says in a low voice, turning his head a fraction to let his gaze flick over to Stede’s face before looking away again. “You’re good at that.”

“Oh Ed, please, I—”

A heavy pressure builds up inside of Ed’s chest in an instant, and he breaks his own rule as he snaps his head to the side to glare at Stede. To his credit, what little Ed wants to give him, Stede falls silent immediately, his eyes going wide. The pressure increases, squeezing around his heart so tightly Ed wonders if it might shatter, and he can’t take a breath until he looks away again. He forces himself to watch other guests mingling, wandering around chatting and laughing or sitting down at their tables and leaning forward to talk to other people sitting around them. Some faces Ed recognizes, from back in the day, some he doesn’t. All of them are clueless to the storm that’s swirling around inside of him right now, threatening to pull him under, to drown him. 

He only looked at Stede for a moment, but already the sight of him is burned into Ed’s mind. This is why he shouldn’t have looked, because as furious as Ed is, he can feel his insides melting at the sight of him. Stede’s always been one of the most attractive people Ed’s ever had the pleasure (and fucking dis pleasure) of knowing, and he can’t help but wonder if Stede pulled out all the stops on purpose today or not. He’s wearing a blue suit as well—specifically the incredible teal one with the fancy gold trim and matching brass buttons, the one that hugs his body perfectly and showcases every gorgeous inch of him. It never fails to bring out the golden flecks of his eyes, which are looking particularly green today.

Fuck.

Okay, so maybe Ed forces a more exaggerated frown to try and disguise the way every inch of him yearns to be pulled back into Stede’s orbit. And maybe he crosses his arms a bit tighter over his chest to keep from reaching out. He shouldn’t be sitting here acting like a teenager with a crush when the crush in question fucked all the way off like he did. Ed deserves better than that. He knows he does. He doesn’t want to hear anything Stede has to say. 

Except that he does. What if this is his chance for closure? Fuuuuuccckk.

If nothing else, this might mean that Ed can get some answers.

“Fine,” Ed says through gritted teeth. 

“F-fine?” Stede sounds timid, his voice soft. Ed spares him another glance with a shift of his eyes, not allowing himself to turn and look fully back at him again. 

“Yeah.” He’s not letting his voice tremble, he’s not. “You wanna clear the air? Go for it, man. Give it your best shot. It’s just like you said, after all.”

Ed reaches out and plucks up his name card, holding it up between them and wiggling it.

“Assigned seating.”

There’s a moment of silence as Ed sets the card down again, their tense bubble almost suffocating in contrast to the chatter and excitement and celebration happening around them. Ed stretches his legs out under the table and crosses his ankles, letting himself slump down in his seat slightly. He’s not fucking pouting, but even if he was, who’s gonna stop him? He crosses his arms over his chest for good measure.

“Right, okay.” Stede’s fidgeting; Ed knows it without even having to look at him. There’s some more shifting, and Stede clears his throat and turns to face him a bit more. “Okay, so. Listen, we had that amazing night together—”

Ed scoffs and barely suppresses the urge to curl in on himself even more. The mere mention of that night brings the memories back in a flash. Laughter, smiles so wide it made it hard to kiss, yet somehow they were managing just fine. Ed’s never felt so much joy in kissing another person as he did that night, gently biting at Stede’s soft lips as they stumbled through his living room grabbing at each other. All those months he’d been pining over Stede, finally coming to fruition with the unshakable knowledge that Stede had felt the same.

At least, until the next morning. Ed had fallen asleep wrapped in Stede’s arms, and had woken up alone. A fresh wave of anger rises within him, making the back of Ed’s neck feel hot.

“And then you completely boned it,” he says, shooting Stede another glare. He watches the pain flash across Stede’s face, sees the way his shoulders sag for a moment before he recovers and straightens himself again. It should feel satisfying to have the chance to dig at Stede like this, but sitting here now, it just feels hollow.

“Yes. Ed, I panicked. That night was everything I’d been dreaming of for months, and when I woke up and saw you there next to me, I had to pinch myself to be sure it was real.”

“And yet you still left.”

Ed watches as Stede presses his mouth together tightly and nods. Ed clenches his fists tighter, grounding himself with the feeling of his nails pressing into his palms.

“I did. I messed up.” Stede sighs. “I got up to use the bathroom and got a glass of water, and when I came back into your bedroom I saw your phone on the floor. I picked it up to plug it in for you and when the screen lit up I saw a message from Jack, and I just. Oh Ed, you’d been so torn up over what happened between you two, and who was I to get in the way of the two of you getting back together? My feelings for the man aside.”

Ed frowns, trying to think back to what text Stede could have seen. The days that followed Stede’s disappearance were still a bit of a blur, but after a moment he recalls message he’d seen from Jack before telling him to fuck off and blocking his number.

heeeeyyyy Eddie babyyy, msorry man, listen we have fun tgthr yeah? whaddya say we get back at it, u bring the whiskey and we’ll bump uglies yeah?

“And you—” Ed pauses, pulling in a deep breath as a server walks over and starts setting down drinks at their table. Ed feels a heavy pat on his shoulder as Sam Bellamy walks by, glancing back and just barely catching his “Heya, Teach!” over the ringing in his ears. Ed doesn’t know if he manages to smile back at Sam or not, but he at least nods and gives the man a brief wave. He waits for the server to leave again before he continues.

“And you what, made that decision for me and fucking left?” He leans forward to rest an elbow on the edge of the table, turning to glare at Stede again. “I was all in, mate. You seriously assumed I thought so little of you—of us—that I was gonna cast you aside on a whim and go back to Jack Rackham, of all people?”

The thought is so absurd that Ed can’t stop the sharp laugh that bursts from him. He shakes his head and slams his fist down on the table. The dishes clatter, Stede jumps in surprise, and a few people nearby turn to look at them. Ed wants to tell them to fuck off. He wants to stand up and throw this chair against a fucking wall just to get the burst of white hot energy out of him. Instead, he grabs the water glass in front of him and downs half of it in one go.

“At the time? Yes, unfortunately.” Stede sighs. “Not my finest moment, I know.”

“Yeah, I’ll say,” Ed says under his breath. He shakes his head, staring at his water glass as the anger fades into a familiar sadness. “I’m such an idiot. I trusted you, man. That night, it was everything I’d been wanting for ages.”

“It was for me too.”

“Except you left!” Ed snaps. “You left, and you. You fucking disappeared! Didn’t even bother leaving me a note, or a text, or anything. You just ditched me in my own home, blocked my number, and then you sit here and expect me to just be okay with all of that?”

“I never expected that,” Stede says, shaking his head again. “I hoped for this chance to explain, that’s all.”

“You’re not helping your case, you know.”

“Yes, I did block your number,” Stede continues. “I regret that I did. I just couldn’t bear the thought of getting a message from you dismissing our night together, even though it would have been your right to do so. Mary wouldn’t stop telling me what an idiot I was being, she—”

“Mary.”

Ed swallows thickly, feeling his heart race and his breath grow short. He breathes again, trying to reign in the anger that flares up again, but fuck it.

“You went back to Mary.”

“Ed, wait—”

“No.” Ed pushes his chair back and stands, grabbing the napkin he doesn’t remember putting in his lap to begin with and throwing it down on the table. “No.”

Quietly, Ed runs his hands over the front of his jacket, smoothing the material down, and spares Stede a brief glance before kicking his chair roughly in towards the table and walking off. He knows he has to remove himself from the conversation before it escalates into a public shouting match in the middle of a fucking wedding reception. He’s walking before he knows where he’s going, and Ed glances around until he finds a set of double doors that leads to a side balcony.

The place is perfect, and Ed makes a beeline for it. He desperately needs a quiet place and some fresh air where he can try to process everything that’s happened in the past half an hour. Thankfully, Stede doesn’t immediately follow him. As he steps out and the door slides shut behind him, the noise of music and chatter is cut down significantly, and it’s the first time since Stede sat next to him during the ceremony that Ed can feel his shoulders relaxing. 

With a sigh, Ed wanders over to the railing and leans against it, breathing in lungfuls of crisp air. Maybe he should reconsider his whole hating nature thing. Sometimes nature’s not half bad. So long as he’s not being pestered by bugs or tangled up in raised tree roots and hanging vines or—

Mmm okay, keeping his hatred of nature on the table then, actually.

Ed frowns, staring down at his hands and considering what Stede was saying. It’s still a bit bullshit, but Ed can tell how much Stede regrets that, how clearly he knows that, and he can appreciate that Stede doesn’t seem to be using it as an excuse. Doesn’t make it hurt any less. Doesn’t soothe the urge Ed has to find a large blanket and curl up under it and tell the entire world to fuck off so he can have a proper fuming session over it all.

Thing is, a part of himself wants to just…forgive Stede. Ed’s tired of holding onto anger, even though anger is all it feels like he’s had since Stede left. The new information hurts, makes Ed a new kind of furious actually, but there’s also some weird measure of relief to it too. Jack, the root of his fucking problems yet again. Ed can’t help but wonder what about him would have ever suggested to Stede that he’d be so willing to leap back into that mess, but even as he thinks it, Ed knows the answer. He’s been friends with Stede for ages, and he knows how deep his self-doubts go. Even with all the work he’s done to improve in that area, supported by an exceptional therapist and reinforced by their friend group, Ed wonders if their vulnerability and newness from that night combined with the panic re-opened that old wound.

Panic that pushed Stede to seek out his ex-wife. Panic that had Stede block his phone number. Panic that opened up Ed’s own wounds as well. Ed’s still fucking angry, but he also…

Well. He gets it. 

Ed has always thought he was unlovable. Stede has always thought he was easy to discard. It’s hard to shake decades-old doubts and trauma in the heat of the moment, no matter how far you’ve come in life. What a pair the two of them make. 

A pair. It makes Ed’s heart stutter, cutting through the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions trying to suffocate him. Ed and Stede, Stede and Ed, the two of them have been practically inseparable since meeting and becoming friends. They could see one another in ways no one ever has before. Even now, Ed sees Stede, and yeah he’s pissed and hurt but he fucking gets it.

When the door opens and the noise from inside filters out onto the balcony briefly, Ed can tell it’s Stede without even turning around. He’s hyper aware of the man now, and his body tenses up automatically, even as he forces himself to remain still. Picks a fixed point out in the distance, one of the large trees nearby that’s blowing gently in the wind, and stares at it. Waits. Stede’s footsteps are light and hesitant, but he carefully makes his way over and enters Ed’s periphery. He doesn’t say anything, just turns to rest his back and elbows against the balcony railing, keeping himself an arms length away.

Ed hates the way Stede’s presence soothes him, even now. At least, that’s what he continues to tell himself, but that internal voice is getting less and less believable by the minute. A beat passes, and Ed exhales through his nose.

“So what brought you here?” He asks, unable to keep the curiosity at bay anymore. Ed has to know what changed. He has the why, but he needs the why now .

“Jack, actually,” Stede says with a huff. “I was out having drinks with Lucius—he insisted I was stuck inside moping too much and dragged me out—and I saw Jack there. All over someone I’ve never seen before, a hand fully down their pants right there in front of God and everybody, it was quite a display.”

Ed glances over towards Stede slightly, in just enough time to see the man scrunch his nose up in distaste at the memory. He can feel his mouth twitch slightly, the urge to smile almost overwhelming. He’s always loved the way Stede does that. So fucking cute.

“So, naturally, I went over and demanded an explanation,” Stede continues. Ed gives in and turns a bit more, looking at him properly. Stede glances over, making eye contact, and smiles sadly. It makes Ed’s chest feel tight. “He told me he hadn’t seen you since you’d broken things off, had barely talked to you. I realized immediately how badly I’d messed things up.”

“Yeah you fucked ‘em up pretty bad I’d say,” Ed says under his breath, but the words don’t have the same heat behind them anymore. 

“I know,” Stede sighs. “I know that. I really am sorry, Ed. In the moment it felt like things were suddenly moving so fast, and the panic set in, but Ed, I just. Deep down I knew it then, I absolutely know it now, I love—”

“Don’t.” Ed’s voice cuts through the moment so harshly he makes himself flinch, but the panic that grips him in that moment is almost suffocating. He doesn’t know how he’ll manage to survive hearing those words. “You don’t get to say that to me, Stede. Not here. Not yet.”

“Alright.”

The silence that falls is almost deafening, and Ed glances away to seek out his comfort tree. He breathes in and out, and sees Stede shift slightly out of the corner of his eye, adjusting the way he’s leaning against the railing to better rest one of his arms across it. His hand is close, but not still not touching, and all Ed would need to do is lean just slightly to feel his fingertips, if he’d just…

Ed doesn’t know what’s worse: the overwhelming desire to seek out Stede’s touch, or the cold fear gripping him at the thought of it. It feels as though his entire being is at war with itself, tugging him in two different directions, pulling him left and right when all he wants to do is move forward. Ed wonders how much longer he needs to stay at this reception before Anne and Mary wouldn’t notice him duck out. He wonders if Stede would stay behind when he left. 

Deeper down still, Ed wonders if Stede would leave with him. Fuck, does he want that? 

“Looks like they’re about to start serving dinner,” Stede says after a moment, pulling Ed out of his head. He blinks, glancing over at Stede and then over his shoulder to peer inside the venue. Sure enough, the tables are filling out and some plates are being set down. 

“Right, guess we better get in there.”

We. It feels so natural to say, even now. Even after everything. Ed presses his lips together tightly and pushes off from the railing. He doesn’t miss the way Stede’s fingers twitch on the railing, almost as if he has an instinctive desire to reach for Ed, and Ed tries not to think too hard about that right now.

“Coming?” He asks instead, shoving his hands into his pockets and tilting his head towards the door.

“Oh!” Stede exclaims, jumping and quickly stepping away from the railing as well. “Y-yes, of course. Right behind you.”

That statement shouldn’t be as comforting as it is, but Ed lets the warmth of it settle in his chest and spread outward until his stomach is fluttering and his fingers are tingling. Three simple words from Stede and Ed swears he could start purring like a cat. 

Maybe it’s worth embracing. Maybe it’s worth another shot. Maybe.

Dinner turns out to be not that bad, all things considered. The rabbit is nice and tender, complemented with a variety of cooked vegetables and a polenta with garlic and parmesan. Sam is at their table in the spot next to Stede, with a woman named Rachel Wall on his other side that Ed vaguely recognizes from back when he and Mary were really close. Rachel’s date is next to her (Ed didn’t catch his name and he finds he doesn’t care enough to find out now), and the seat beside Ed remains empty. 

Sam and Stede keep up semi-active conversation, pulling Ed in occasionally, though he’s fine to sit quietly and poke at his dinner and listen to them go. He still doesn’t know how to navigate this situation, how to deal with everything he’s thinking and feeling, and so he focuses on trying to keep his composure and leave the socializing to everyone else. 

There’s speeches as dinner draws to a close, along with lots of clinking of glasses that prompts Anne and Mary to kiss in front of everyone and get cheered every time. Ed doesn’t get it. It makes people laugh, and more than once the newlyweds look like they’re about to drag one another under the table for something more than kissing, but at least they’re having a good time. 

More than once since they’ve been sitting there, Ed feels his knee bump against Stede’s. The first time caused him to freeze and glance over as Stede whispered a soft apology and shifted to break the contact. Ed didn’t miss the way Stede’s face grew a little pink at the touch, though, and he certainly can’t shake the way his heart rate skyrockets at the touch. Ed finds himself seeking out the touch himself now, which should be embarrassing after everything. But fucking hell, he’s so tired of being miserable. 

Ed’s not quick to forgive, and he can still feel the anger at what happened, but he also can’t help but think that he should take advantage of this apparent second chance. Stede could break his heart again, and Ed isn’t sure how he’d come back from it if he does, but maybe it’s worth a second chance. 

Humming to himself, Ed pulls his napkin off his lap and wipes his mouth carefully, before pushing his chair back and standing. Stede stops whatever he’s saying to Sam and glances up at him. They both go still as their eyes meet. 

“I’m gonna go get a drink,” Ed says softly. Stede blinks, but doesn’t break eye contact. Ed swallows thickly. “Come with me?”

Stede’s lips part in surprise, and he blinks again before nodding slightly. “Yeah okay.”

“C’mon then.”

Ed doesn’t want another drink. He doesn’t give a shit about getting another drink. But he lets himself walk in the direction of the bar anyway, trusting that Stede is right on his heels and not letting himself glance back. He won’t risk losing his resolve and letting the doubt creep back in. Go with the flow, Teach. 

As they approach the bar, Ed keeps walking, going past it and towards the small hallway that leads to a set of bathrooms.

“Ed?” Stede asks, his voice thick with clear confusion and worry.

“Come on.”

He continues on, and thankfully Stede continues following, and as they get to the end of the hall Ed turns around and reaches for Stede’s wrist. Carefully, without letting himself so much as breath, he tugs Stede in and reaches up to place his other hand flat against Stede’s chest.

“Ed?” Stede’s eyes are wide, glistening, his voice breathy. Ed stares at him, his eyes scanning back and forth across Stede’s face. His words have failed him, but his breathing is shaky, and Stede’s brow furrows as he processes the moment between them. Those hazel eyes glance down at Ed’s mouth and then back up to his eyes, a movement so quick Ed might not have noticed if he wasn’t so tuned into Stede right now.

“Ed,” he repeats, a statement now. Ed darts his tongue out to swipe across his bottom lip, and he nods. Stede nods back, reaching up and placing his hand over Ed’s on his chest. 

Ed doesn’t know which one of them moves first. Maybe they both lean in at the same time. But mere seconds later, the distance between them disappears, their hands crushed in between their chests and their lips meet. Ed lets go of Stede’s wrist, throwing his arm around his shoulders and hugging him even closer. They move, stumbling slightly until they find the wall. Ed grunts as his back hits it, and Stede presses in, reaching up and pushing his fingers into Ed’s hair. 

Ed feels dizzy, and he lets out a muffled groan against Stede’s mouth. Stede hums back, eager and responsive as he deepens the kiss and tugs gently on Ed’s bottom lip. It sends an electric spark through him, lighting him up from the inside out and making him shiver. He breaks the kiss with a soft gasp, pressing his forehead against Stede’s as they cling to each other. Stede’s breathing heavily, his breath warm as it brushes against Ed’s lips, his mouth still so close all Ed would need to do is tip his chin to start kissing him again. 

“You’re shaking,” Stede whispers, brushing the tip of his nose against Ed’s. It’s an affectionate gesture, one that makes the edges of Ed’s eyes prickle with heat and emotion. He closes them, fighting back against the sudden urge to cry. “Hey. Are you alright?”

“I don’t know,” Ed admits. In an instant, Stede is off him, putting some distance between them. Ed should appreciate it, but it makes him feel immediately off kilter, chilled and desperate to seek out contact again.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to— I mean, I just— Oh Ed, I’m—”

Ed watches him take another step back, wringing his hands nervously, and he’s gripped with the sudden fear that he’s about to watch Stede turn and bolt. He can see the panic, the second guessing, and Ed pushes off the wall and reaches out to grab Stede’s wrist again.

“Hey, take a breath.” He tries not to sound desperate, but Ed can hear the pleading in his voice anyway. He tightens his grip slightly, not enough to apply pressure and hurt, just enough for Stede to hopefully understand that Ed doesn’t want him to go. “I wanted to kiss you, man. Whole reason I got up to begin with. I just… I dunno…”

“Too fast?” Stede asks. Ed huffs and nods, carefully letting go of Stede’s wrist and rolling his shoulders.

“Maybe a bit.”

“Right. Noted.” Stede tilts his head and smiles gently. It makes Ed’s heart skip a beat. “So you didn’t want a new drink, then?”

“Fuck no,” Ed snorts. It pulls a soft giggle from Stede, which makes Ed grin. Shit, he’s missed this. This easy banter, the lightness between them, something that’s existed throughout their entire friendship. “Honestly, what I want is to get out of here. Come home with me.”

Stede’s eyes widen to an almost comical degree, and he sucks in a surprised breath. Immediately, Ed realizes how that sounds. 

“Shit, wait, not like—” Too fast. “That’s not what I mean. Sorry, just to talk some more, where there’s not any prying eyes. Have a drink maybe. I’m not… I don’t know, man, I’m just…”

Not ready to say goodbye. Not ready to part for the evening and wonder if this was a swan song, if he’ll ever see Stede again after this. Not ready to grapple with the fear of Stede walking out of Ed’s life again. Maybe it was a bad decision, maybe even having Stede over in his home again after what happened last time was still too fast, but the alternative was downright terrifying.

“Are you sure?” Stede asks carefully. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m sure.” He pauses. “Mostly.”

“Ed.”

“Seriously, I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want you there.”

“Edward.”

The use of his full name still sends shivers down Ed’s spine. He huffs and glances away from Stede, looking up at the ceiling. 

“I mean, it’s whatever.” He shrugs, going for casual, even as his heart is pounding and the urge to fidget is overwhelming. “If you want to.”

“Do you want me to?”

Ed looks back at Stede again, lets the question wash over him. He takes a breath. He goes with his gut. “Yes.”

“Alright then,” Stede agrees with a smile. “Great.”

“Great.”

“I’ll just.” Stede gestures down the hall, back in the direction of the reception area. “Let me just get my jacket.”

“Oh. Right.” Ed looks over Stede’s body, only just registering that he’d taken his suit jacket off at some point. When the fuck had he done that? “I’ll wait here then.”

“I’ll be right back.”

Ed watches as Stede takes a step, and then hesitates, as though he’s considering leaving the jacket entirely, before shaking his head and smiling again gently before turning and finally walking down the hall back where they came from. He watches still as Stede turns the corner and disappears, expecting paranoia to grip him any second now, but instead a strange comfort settles into his chest. His shoulders sag in relief, as though the weight of the past month has finally been lifted, and Ed feels himself smiling.

Even this morning he’d been convinced he’d never be able to forgive Stede for what happened. Now, he wants to laugh at himself. Of course he wants to forgive Stede. Of course he’s standing here ready to welcome Stede back into his life with mostly open arms. That’s his best friend. Ed doesn’t want to lose that. 

With a sniff, Ed shoves his hands in his pockets and walks down the hall, stepping around the corner and scanning his eyes across the room and everyone in attendance. He sees Stede over at their table, picking up his jacket where it’s draped over the back of his seat, saying something to Sam. He sees Anne with her arm draped over Mary’s shoulders, leaning into her as she talks and laughs with someone Ed only vaguely recognizes. He sees Mary looking around, until she catches sight of him as well. Ed nods at her, and she tilts her head back, considering him. He watches as her eyes shift, and he follows them, seeing the way she’s looking at Stede now, who’s tugging on his jacket and starting to head his way. She looks back, lifting her eyebrows. Ed shrugs, smiling as he nods again. A soft expression flashes over Mary’s face as she puts it together, and she breaks out into a wide grin.

“Alright then, ready.” 

Ed blinks, glancing over at Stede, who’s beside him again and watching him with a cautiously hopeful expression on his face. Ed glances back at Mary, firing off a two-finger salute, and then turns to head towards the door. 

“Where’d you park?” He asks Stede as he holds the door open for him, watching as Stede turns a bit bashful.

“Thank you,” he whispers as he steps through, and then lets out a soft giggle. “I, uh, might’ve had Mary drop me off. She was going to the gallery briefly and it’s nearby, so.”

A surprised laugh escapes Ed, and he freezes in bewilderment for a moment before hopping forward to catch up with Stede at the venue steps. “Only briefly? And if this whole thing had gone completely tits up, you were going to get home, how?”

“... Uber?”

“Absolutely mental.” Ed shakes his head and nudges Stede’s arm with his elbow. “C’mon. My car’s over here.”

He leads the way over to where he’d parked, Stede right on his heels. Ed can feel his heart pounding as he unlocks the car and climbs inside, waiting as Stede climbs into the passenger seat. He forces himself to keep his gaze straight ahead, focusing on the wheel and ignition in front of him, and then refusing to take his eyes off the road once he starts driving. He doesn’t risk sneaking a glance at Stede as he grips the steering wheel tightly, letting music fill the space, his mind racing a mile a minute as Ed wonders what the fuck is next.

Next, as it turns out, ends up being much more simple than Ed expects. Next are glasses of brandy at his place, the two of them sitting on opposite ends of the couch in completely opposing positions: Ed drawing his knees up to his chest, curling up tight and balancing his glass on his knee, while Stede sits with one foot on the floor and the other tucked under his leg, rings tapping against the side of his glass each time Stede fidgets nervously. 

Next is a discussion that briefly turns heated, the two of them snapping at each other as they lay everything out on the table. Ed feels raw, defenseless, his hackles rising again briefly for the first time since he’d snapped at Stede over fancy fucking rabbit. But as the moment passes, Ed feels strangely relieved. Stede’s apologies start to soothe. His confessions start to feel real. 

Ed doesn’t have the strength to lay himself so bare in return. Not yet.

After that conversation grows a touch more comfortable. Instead of another glass of brandy, Ed offers up tea next, which Stede is adorably enthusiastic about. It gives Ed a moment to breathe, puttering around in his kitchen in silence as Stede remains in his living room, shouting out the occasional comment about a new trinket or decoration he hasn’t seen before. It’s a reminder that he’s still there, and Ed wonders if Stede’s doing it on purpose, or if he’s just as nervous about this shift between them as Ed is. Either way, he appreciates it, and when Stede hums in appreciation at the steaming up being carefully pushed into his hands, Ed feels himself smiling.

Stede’s in the middle of talking about a book he’s reading when Ed realizes how much closer they’ve gravitated to one another on the couch over the course of the evening. Ed’s no longer curled up like a cornered cat, instead having stretched his legs out across the couch and shoved his toes underneath Stede’s knee. Stede doesn’t miss a beat, reaching out and resting a hand against Ed’s ankle, his thumb occasionally rubbing back and forth across the warm skin peeking out from where Ed’s pants have ridden up slightly.

“And it’s… Well… I don’t want to bore you any more than I’m sure I have already.” 

Ed’s not bored, is the thing. Ed’s found himself hanging onto every fucking word coming out of Stede’s mouth, his presence and his voice wrapping around Ed like a calming blanket. He glances down at Stede’s hand on his ankle, wondering if Stede has even realized he initiated the touch, and then looks over at their empty glasses and cups on the table.

“In fact, I should probably, ah.” Stede pauses, glancing at his phone. “Oh gosh, when did it get to be so late? I’m sorry Ed, I should probably get out of your hair.”

The warmth of Stede’s hand disappears from Ed’s ankle, and the mention of him leaving sends a spike of anxiety through Ed that’s so sharp it feels like he can’t breathe. Stede’s tapping away at his phone, absently wondering aloud if it’s early enough to order a ride, completely oblivious to Ed’s inner turmoil. Logically yeah, Stede should head home. Hours have passed somehow, the darkness outside having settled ages ago, and yet it feels like no time at all. 

They’ve talked a lot. A lot a lot. The pain and anger from before has settled into something manageable, something Ed feels like he can move past into whatever new days are hopefully ahead of them, and he should let Stede order a ride and head home. It’s been an exhausting time for them both, and having the chance to decompress would probably be good, which is exactly why Ed finds himself opening his mouth to blurt out, “What if you stayed. The night, I mean. Here.”

Stede starts to drop his phone, fumbling with it as he tries to catch it before it clatters to the floor. He clears his throat and blinks, looking over at Ed across the couch. His eyes are wide again, as if taking in the gravity of what’s being proposed here. 

“Ed…”

“Set you up on the couch, obviously.” Ed shrugs. “Just thinking, save you some time and trouble waiting for an Uber, and I could drive you home in the morning. No big deal. Just. Yeah.”

“Ed, I’m not going to disappear again.” Stede’s voice is soft, barely a whisper. Ed glances down at his lap, resisting the urge to curl in on himself to shy away from how clearly Stede is seeing him right now. “I promise.”

“Yeah, no, I know that,” Ed says, and there’s comfort in the fact that he truly does know. It surprises him a bit that he’s actually not expecting for Stede to up and vanish again, but even still, he’s not quite ready to say goodnight. “Just, you know. Being a good host and all. Got a spare toothbrush from this multi-pack I bought a little bit ago, got plenty of clothes you could change into, so I dunno, just thought I’d offer.”

Ed glances down at his lap, picking absently at a cuticle. He knows that Stede can see right through him, no matter how casual he tries to act. It’s not that he truly thinks Stede’s going to disappear again. There’s just that small little voice, that irrational fear, continuing to poke at him. 

“It’s a lovely offer,” Stede whispers. Ed watches as one of Stede’s hands comes into view, pausing before settling on Ed’s arm gently. “And I’m not saying I don’t want to stay. I just need to know, are you sure, Ed? Truly sure?”

Ed stares at Stede’s hand, swallows, and glances up from under his eyelashes. Stede’s looking at him so earnestly, his voice gentle and shining and beautiful. There’s only one answer. 

“Yes.”

Stede’s smile softens even more somehow. He squeezes Ed’s hand before pulling his hand back and slapping his knees before standing. 

“Well then, you said I could borrow a change of clothes?”

“Yeah, let me just.” Ed clears his throat and stands too, glancing around the living room like it would have what he needs. “I’ll go grab you something. Hang tight, mate.”

He turns and darts off, heading across the living room and down a hall to get to his bedroom. He takes a breath once he’s alone in there, walking over to his dresser and resting his hands on the smooth wood briefly. Christ, what a day this has been. Ed shakes his head, huffing in disbelief. What a fucking day. Woke up dreading the day, and now here he is feeling oddly rejuvenated and hopeful. And Stede’s back. 

He’s not sure what happens next. But he can’t focus on all of that. For now, he needs to focus on clothes. Blankets and pillows. Spare toothbrush. He checks each thing off his mental list, taking them to Stede and trying not to pace back and forth while waiting for him to freshen up for the evening before saying goodnight. And if his mind stutters to a total halt when Stede walks out in Ed’s clothes, well. Well, that’s his mental panic to deal with. 

“Thanks for this,” Stede says as Ed hands over another blanket. His stomach flips as Stede hums, running his fingers over the material. “This one’s lovely.”

“Yeah, well I know you like soft blankets, so.” Ed shrugs, crossing his arms loosely over his chest and leaning against the bedroom door frame. 

“You remembered.”

“Of course I did.”

“Thank you, Ed.”

“Of course.” Ed chews on his bottom lip and glances in the direction of the living room. “Well. Sleep well. Shout if you need anything, alright?”

“I will. Good night.”

“Night.”

There’s a pause, a moment where neither of them move, and Ed feels himself drawn towards Stede. He wants to push off this frame and reach for Stede, wants to tug him in for a hug or a kiss or something. He doesn’t do any of that. Instead, he watches as Stede pats the blanket affectionately, smiles at him, and then turns and heads into the living room. Ed exhales softly and tilts his head back until it thumps against the frame, closing his eyes and counting to five. 

“Good night,” he whispers to himself, lets out a soft sigh, and then checks to make sure all the assorted lights are turned off before closing his bedroom door and curling up under the covers. 

Ed’s not sure how much time has passed, not bothering to check his phone. All he knows is that it feels like he’s been lying here for hours in the dark, wide awake, unable to get comfortable and fall asleep. The house is quiet, Stede’s probably fast asleep on the couch, and that knowledge drives him crazy. 

How could he let Stede spend the night and truly be fine with him being so close and yet so far away? Ed wants him here. He wants him close. Not because he’s afraid Stede won’t be here in the morning, not really. Well, maybe a little. But only a small bit. 

Stede’s probably asleep, but what if he isn’t? What if he’s lying on the couch, wide awake, staring up at the ceiling just like Ed’s doing? Is it worth checking?

Ed knows the answer to that without having to even consider it. The answer has Ed throwing back the covers and sliding out of bed, huffing to himself as he adjusts his crop top, straightening it from where it had twisted up around his chest. He takes a deep breath and leaves the bedroom, easing his door open gently and practically tiptoeing down the hall. As he approaches the living room, he leans against the wall and considers the couch, seeing the outline of the lump that is Stede. He second-guesses himself for a moment, before shaking his head and rolling his shoulders. 

“Stede?” He asks softly. He pauses. “You awake?” 

Silence. Ed chews on his bottom lip, wondering if he should try asking again or if he should just leave it, when—

“Hmm?” There’s a shifting, a rustling of moving blankets on the couch, and Ed can just barely make out Stede’s head rising from the lump form. “Ed?”

“Yeah, uh.” Ed pushes off the wall and shifts his weight. 

“Are you alright?” Stede sounds very alert, which answers Ed’s question. Yep, he’s definitely been awake this entire time too. “Is something wrong?” 

“No,” Ed says quickly. “No, everything’s fine. I just. Well.”

“What is it?”

Ed sighs heavily and shakes his head. He’s tired of dancing around his thoughts, tired of walking a fine line between still trying to protect himself and letting himself have what he wants. 

“Fuck it,” he says under his breath. Then, louder, “Does it not drive you crazy lying in here when I’m less than twenty feet away from you?”

Stede lets out a noise, a surprised squeak that is more adorable than it has any right to be. Ed waits, picking at his cuticle again, fidgeting as he silently begs for an answer. 

“I, well,” Stede stammers. “Ye— A little, I mean— Possibly, if you want the truth of it, but I have no right to want—“

“Come to bed.”

The silence that falls is heavy, thick with anticipation. Ed hears Stede’s sharp intake of breath, and he waits. And waits. The seconds eek by at the speed of molasses, until finally Stede exhales again. 

“I can’t expect that from you,” he whispers. His voice sounds timid, sad. Ed won’t stand for it. 

“You’re not. I’m asking you.” Ed rubs the back of his head and huffs. “I just, listen. Stede. I think we deserve a do-over. Don’t you?” 

A second chance. Another try at getting this right. There’s no erasing what happened or what they both went through after Stede up and left in the middle of the night. But that was then. This is now. And all cards are on the table. It’s quite possibly the start of something new, and Ed thinks they deserve this second chance. 

“Are you sure?”

Asked for possibly the hundredth time today, and it fills Ed’s heart with something comforting, something appreciative. It should aggravate him, because why would he say something he wasn’t sure of, but Ed knows it’s coming from such a genuine place of care and nerves that he can’t bring himself to feel irritated. 

“Stede,” he says with another huff. “Please.”

“Oh, well. Alright.”

Ed listens to the sound of more rustling, waiting patiently as Stede stands up and makes his way over. He can just make out Stede’s body in the darkness, and Ed reaches out a bit blindly until he finds Stede’s hand. He takes it, squeezing it gently, and then starts to head back down the hall, tugging Stede along as he walks. Neither of them speak as they get into his room, nor do they speak as they both find their way into his bed. The mattress shifts as they settle, and Ed lays there on his back for a moment, contemplating things. It doesn’t last long, though, as he feels Stede turn onto his side, and Ed’s quick to mirror him. He reaches out across the mattress and find Stede’s arm, feeling the dusting of hair on his skin as he strokes gently. 

Stede shifts closer, reaching out himself and finding Ed’s shirt. He grips it gently, and Ed isn’t sure which one of them closes the distance first. 

“Is this okay?” Stede asks in a hushed voice. 

“This?” Ed whispers. He presses closer, letting his eyes flutter shut as he feels Stede’s nose and mouth press against his forehead. Stede doesn’t kiss him, just rests his lips there, but even still it sends a pleasant humming through his body. “This is perfect.”

Ed rests his hand flat against Stede’s chest, feeling his heart beating, matching the rise and fall of Stede’s chest with his own. At some point, Stede reaches up and cards his fingers through Ed’s hair, running his nails across Ed’s scalp. It makes Ed hum and shiver, and he stretches his arm out to drape across Stede’s side and hug him close. 

“What about this?” Stede asks against his skin, breathing deeply as he continues to play with Ed’s hair. “Is this okay?” 

Ed can feel himself growing sleepy, finally, creeping in at the edges of his mind and gently tugging him under. Nothing more than the warmth of Stede’s body next to his and the sensation of Stede playing with his hair and Ed’s putty in his arms, on the verge of purring like a cat. 

“More than okay,” he answers, his words melting together as he grows even sleepier. 

“I’m glad,” Stede whispers. “Thank you, Ed. I…”

“Please be here in the morning,” Ed mumbles before he can stop himself. Stede hugs him tighter. 

“I will be. Oh Ed, I’ll never go anywhere ever again if you’ll allow it. I love everything about you.”

Ed exhales shakily, blindly searching for Stede’s hand that isn’t buried in his hair. 

“You don’t have to say it back to me,” Stede continues. “I’m just grateful to be here. Thank you for giving me a second chance.”

Ed hums, too tired now to find any appropriate words. Instead, he brings Stede’s hand up to his lips and presses a soft kiss to his fingers. The days to come will hold more important conversations and moments to establish. There’s no perfect magical fix, Ed knows this. And he knows Stede knows it. For now, this is enough, and Ed falls into a deep and peaceful sleep wrapped up in Stede, with the thought that maybe, just maybe, things are going to be okay again.