Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“You wanted to see me, sir?” Shou said, stepping into the office. His superior officer who I can’t be bothered to think of a name for rested his chin on his hands like Griffin Mcelroy in that one meme.

“Suzuki-san, you’re our best and gayest agent,” he said, “And being as qualified as you are, we have a proposition for you.”

“Shoot,” Shou said, sitting in the swivel chair and giving himself a good spin before resting his feet on the table.

“Our investigation into Teruki Hanazawa is hitting a standstill,” he started, fixing his stare right into Shou’s blue eyes. Unflinching, like a true warrior. “We need to get creative. We need to get personal. You’re the only agent capable, with your unique abilities. We want you to integrate yourself into the organization, capture his heart, and topple it from there. If you catch my meaning.”

“Capture his heart?” Shou raised an eyebrow, “I mean, how do you know that would even work? Is he even, ya know, into guys?”
“We had an anonymous member of our hacker force access his browser history,” he said, letting out a breath and looking up at Shou, light catching his glasses and hiding his eyes, “He’s googled ‘am i gay quiz’ twelve times this week.”

“In a row?”

“In a row.”

“Goddamn,” Shou said, “All the sudden? What happened?”

“I don’t want to speculate,” he said, flipping through a binder, “But one of our, let’s say, aligned agents recently reported that his brother joined the agency.”

“You want me to capitalize on his gay awakening, then?” Shou smirked.

“More or less, though I wouldn’t put it so crassly,” he said, adjusting his glasses in a way that struck Shou as comically nerdish.

“Wouldn’t it be easier to compromise the guy he’s already into? If it is your source’s brother.”

“Unfortunately that’s not an option,” he shook his head, “His brother was tricked into this, according to him. Either way, he seems earnestly invested. Convincing him to switch loyalty wouldn’t be easy.”

Shou nodded. “Alright, I see. You can count on me.” He threw up a mock salute and stepped out of the office, bumping into another person and knocking all the papers they were carrying out of their arms.

“Whoops, sorry about that,” he said, using his powers to collect them. The man he had ran into stared at him slack jawed. He had sleek black hair that looked like it had been gelled into spikes and bags under his eyes that screamed “hasn’t slept in a week.” Hot in an “L from Death Note” sorta way.

Shou handed the stack of papers to him with a wide grin. 

“Here you go!” Shou said, thrusting them towards him.

“Wow, you’re just like me… for real…” he said. Shou cocked his head. He thought he knew all the espers in this division. Maybe this was a new recruit.

“Sorry, I don’t think we’ve met, who are you?” Shou said.

“K-Kageyama Ritsu…” he said.

“And you’re an esper?” Shou said. Ritsu looked away, expression dark.

“More or less.” he mumbled.

“Are you registered as an esper?” He probed, curious. He didn’t exactly look like the other espers Shou was familiar with. 

“No,” he said, staring at his hand, “I wouldn’t be useful for their purposes.”

“...Okay…” Shou said, “Uh, are you going to elaborate or just keep being ominous?”

“Sorry,” he cleared his throat, “I have powers, but they’re not the kind I can control. They only seem to manifest when I’m overwhelmed. Useful as last resort self defense and not much else.”

“I see,” Shou clicked his tongue, “You know, a lot of people start out like that. I’d be open to helping you learn to control them.” He cleared his throat and looked away, “If you wanted me to, anyway.”

“Maybe,” he said. The harshness of his tone indicated no, but the gleam in his eye said otherwise. “But I have to get going. Who are you, anyway?”

“Suzuki Shou,” he said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a business card. “Here, in case you’re interested.” He gave him a wink and continued down the hallway, acutely aware of his eyes locked on him. <- F1X TH1S

Chapter Text

Teru watched the crowd of sheeple approaching him as the demonstration wrapped up with a cocky grin. All these people… in awe of his power. One by one he watched them sign the donation forms, six months of donation and they could have powers of their own.

They were all so stupid. The kind of people who would fall for any pyramid scheme. At least now they were wasting their money on something worthwhile. When Teru took his rightful place on top of the world, he’d take pity on the stupid sheep that brayed beneath him. As long as they pledged loyalty.

It’s not like he owed them anything. 

His eyes caught on a wiry looking ginger guy approaching him. His posture was different than the rest of the sheeple, oddly confident, almost cocky. Teru quirked an eyebrow.

“Impressive show,” he said in a tone like he was talking to a child putting on a dance recital.

“May I help you?” Teru asked. The ginger chuckled.

“You know, I thought I was the only one,” he said. Teru started at the donation forms behind him lifting from their spot on the table and flying to dance behind him. “Good to know I’m not alone.” His voice was oddly warm as he spoke.

Teru gave him his best 1000-watt smile. “It’s always good to meet people like yourself.”

This guy was nothing like him. Sure, he was probably more useful than someone like Hoshino, but he could tell just by looking that he wasn’t on the same level as himself. That didn’t mean he wasn’t useful, of course. He held out his hand to shake. The other man grabbed it an he felt as though sparks were flaking off him from the energy he exuded

“Suzuki Shou,” he said with a grin, “Pleasure.”

“I’m sure you already know who I am,” he says with a light-hearted chuckle, “But you can call me Teru. I’m sure we’re going to get along famously.”

Chapter Text

“However, Flareon is the only fully evolved fire type pokemon that cannot learn solar beam,” Teru said wisely. Shou felt his phone buzz and looked down at it.

UNKNOWN

Hey, Suzuki right?

I heard about the assignment you were on, 

can we talk?

This is Kageyama by the way.

He raised an eyebrow, then caught Teru looking over. “Wow,” he said, putting as much excitement as he could muster into it, “Really? Charizard can learn solar beam?”

He successfully got him off on another tangent, somehow leading into him working on a melody of all seventeen Pokemon theme songs. His eyes were closed in the reverie of it, giving him a moment to type a quick reply.

UNKNOWN

I should be free around 8 pm

if that works for you

Okay.

Shou waited for elaboration for a few minutes before putting his phone away. Something about this guy didn’t strike him as a diligent texter.

“Oh? What was that?” Teru asked, eyes trailing to Shou’s phone just as he shoved it back in his pocket. 

“Clash of Clans notification,” he scoffed, “My clan got raided.”

Teru nodded sagely. “Well, I’m sure you’ll understand why I expect your full attention when I’m explaining myself. There’s a lot to learn.”

“Of course,” Shou said with a sheepish smile. He couldn’t stand this guy. He was starting to regret to cocksure attitude upon receiving the assignment–but he was committed. 

“Now, have you ever heard of Lord Helix?”

-

Shou sighed as he stepped out of the building. While he did feel like he’d done more than enough integrating into Claw, his attempts at getting close to Teru so far had been… lackluster. Not for lack of trying. Well. Not for lack of trying to make himself try. The guy sucked. He might as well be socializing with a brick wall. A very self absorbed brick wall.

For a guy who seemed to spend so much time thinking of nothing but himself, the lack of self awareness was astounding. He had his work cut out for him. But he could turn it into a game. Teru wasn’t a person so much as a mountain to be climbed, and Shou was ready to overcome anything.

He found himself antsy, waiting for the clock to strike eight as he stared at his phone. Finally he felt it buzz.

KAGEYAMA (THE OTHER ONE)

703 Pumpkin Spice Lane unit 003

Kk

He got into his obnoxiously red sports car that I don’t fucking remember the type of and started down towards the apartment units. He remembered looking through listings when he’d had to move into a two bedroom apartment and seeing a few from that complex. Definitely on the nicer side of town, but a bit on the plain side. 

He pulled into the parking lot and stepped up to the door, giving a few curt knocks before leaning against the walls.

He heard a slightly shuffling inside the apartment before the sound of the lock clicking and the door swinging open. There Kageyama stood, face even more dour than the first time he’d seen him. “Come in,” he said dryly.

Shou obliged wordlessly, strolling behind him and taking in the bland decor. The walls were barren, the living area furnished only with the most functional items. Shou was feeling depressed just looking at it.

“You live here alone?” he mused. Ritsu regarded him coldly.

“You think you’re funny?” he asked harshly. It was almost enough to shut him up, but not quite. 

“That’s not what we’re here to discuss.”

As soon as the subject changed, Ritsu’s expression got even darker. Every time it seemed he was as serious as a human being could possibly be, he proved himself just a bit more as the Joker’s antithesis.

“I talked to the boss of your unit, he said you had infiltrated Claw?” Ritsu said, voice dark. Shou nodded. Ritsu let out a breath and looked at him, expression hardened. “Is my brother okay?”

“Okay? He’s doing way more than okay,” Shou said with a grin. “From what I’ve seen, he’s practically got the boss eating out of his hand. Not that he’d take advantage.”

“W- What’s that supposed to mean?” Ritsu said.

“Let’s just say he opened the door for my assignment,” Shou said. He didn’t want to imply anything too crass about the guy’s brother. “I’m assuming they filled you in on the nature of my mission?”

“T… to get close with the boss?” Ritsu said, unnerved.

“Close is a word for it,” Shou said, barking a laugh. “I’d say intimate. I’m infiltrating more than just Claw, you know.”

Ritsu stared at him blankly.

“And my brother is involved in this… how?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“He joined the organization, and they noticed some key changes in the boss’s behavioural patterns,” Shou said airily. He donned a wolfish grin and finished, “Specifically, his google history. ‘Am I gay quiz.’ 12 times, one week.”

“Wait, so you think he’s…” Ritsu seemed to be struggling to get the words out, “ Courting my brother?”

“Why did you have to phrase it like this is a nature documentary?” Shou snorted.

“Answer the damn question.” He bristled like he was in a ghibli movie, spiked hair sharp enough to draw blood.

Shou sighed, laced with amusement. “Not exactly. He’s not the most self aware person I’ve ever met. Plus, I think he has some sort of girlfriend, so he’s clearly in for a rude awakening. I’m hoping to take your brother’s place in being that awakening.”

Ritsu regarded him cooly for a moment, then dipped his head.

“I suppose… I’d rather it be you…”

“I’m glad we can see eye to eye!” Shou gives him his best grin. “Now, what do I need to know about your brother to make this operation go smoothly?”

Ritsu’s face went slack, as thought he had not been prepared for this line of questioning in the slightest.

“Uh, he likes… milk?”

Shou narrows his eyes. “Do you guys have a huge age gap or something…?” Shou could sympathize. He never knew what Toichiro wanted.

“We’re one year and two months apart.”

Oh. There’s clearly something deeply strange and personal going on here. He can’t help but prod.

“So, what’s he like, then? Oh! Is he gay?”

“Uh. I mean. He hasn’t interacted with anyone outside my family in almost fourteen years so I’m not really sure.”

“...Huh?”

Ritsu looked away.

“It’s. It’s a long story.” he mumbled. 

“I’ve got time,” Shou said with a gentle smile.

Chapter Text

The new recruit had been following Teru like a lost duckling for a little over a week and it was really starting to get on his nerves. He did not know WHAT this guy’s issue was but he was seriously clinging to him like a burr. 

Or maybe he was just in love with him.

Teru scoffed, brushing away the thought.

Then it came back and he took a moment to consider it seriously.

Shou was clinging to him like a baby koala, constantly on his back, asking questions. Personal questions. Like what flavor chapstick he used and if he had ever kissed a man.

Of course he’d never kissed a man, the idea was preposterous. The way he said it implied the opposite was true for him, which filled Teru with annoyance.

Not that he had any problem with Shou kissing men, of course. Whatever he did in his free time was his business. But he couldn’t help but feeling he was lording some sacred and beautiful experience over him. Which was also preposterous. Teru had no desire to kiss men. He had scored a solid 32% on the “Am I Gay” quiz after perfecting his strategy.

He couldn’t think that, perhaps, Shou was coming on to him. The idea was amusing. It would only make sense that his charm extended to men, women, and anything in between. The poor guy couldn’t help it. In fact, he’s surprised he’s the only guy to come forward with such attraction. The others must simply be too shy. A shame of society, truly. Or maybe, just maybe, he was trying to make him think he was in love with him for some other purpose. He had been rather prying about other details of their organization too. Maybe this was some sort of ploy.

“...Teru? Teru?”

He was vaguely aware of something touching him. Oh right, he had been in the middle of a conversation with his girlfriend.

“Ah, yes, I agree.” Teru said smugly. Rei stared at him unblinkingly.

“Uh, I was asking if you would be free Friday night?” she said.

“I said I agree. Of course I’m free Friday night. Anything for you.” He has no idea if he has plans for Friday, but if he does, they’re now canceled. Or he’d make something up to tell Rei later. Things come up all the time when you’re running a very important organization and she simply must understand. 

“Oh, okay, cool,” she gave him a shaky thumbs up, “Sorry, it’s just, you’ve been so distant the past few weeks-”

“That’s just your imagination,” he snapped, “I’m as present as I’ve ever been.”

“...Oh, okay,” she said, gripping her arm and averting eye contact, “Sorry.”

He grinned, happy she was finally seeing reason. “So, what did you need me for?”

“Uh… just… wanting to talk to you? And see if you were free?” she said, “Are you feeling okay?”

Shit. He totally forgot what they were talking about. Too distracted thinking about Suzuki… this was a bad sign. He had kind of gotten used to being distracted by Kageyama, this was a new rogue element added to the deck.

“I’m fine!” he said, “In fact, I’m great! We just recruited a new esper I think will be very promising. You’ve met, right?”

“Oh,” she said, face falling, “Yes. I have.”

What was that look about?

“His abilities are already above a lot of other members,” Teru continued, searching for any clues on what her problem was, “And he seems pretty dedicated already.”

“...I see,” Rei said. Man, women were so hard to read.

“I’m glad you’re just as dedicated to seeing Claw grow as I am,” Teru said, putting his hand on top of Rei’s. He gave her his most genuine smile, every tooth on display. “A success for the organization is a success for me. For us. You understand that, don’t you?”

idk if we should put more here or end on that

-

Teru was on his way to the parking lot when he heard a familiar voice ring out.

“Yo! Teru!” Suzuki called. Teru saw him grinning ear to ear and felt his heart skip at the idea of someone being that excited to see him.

“Suzuki!” He gave an exaggerated wave and an even more exaggerated smile, drinking in the full attention.

Suzuki pressed his shoulder against Teru’s, grin never faltering for a moment. His body radiated heat like a furnace. 

“Hey, you know that weird movie you were talking about?” he said, draping an arm over Teru’s shoulder, “I was actually wondering if we’d be able to watch it together! I feel like I need to broaden my horizons media-wise.”

“Together?” Teru said with a chuckle, checking his phone calender, “Hm, looks like I;m free Friday night, unless I’m forgetting something.”

“Oh, Friday sounds great,” Suzuki grinned, “See you then!”

“Of course!” Teru said with a smile. “There’s a great studio at the headquarters for watching films, how about you meet me there. Say, seven?”

“Sounds like a plan!”

Chapter Text

“Oh my god the dead pig… it’s flying!” the deliberately unnamed protagonist said. The movie cut to a shot of the scene from the eyes of a pigeon as she was devoured by the titular swine.

“Not a lot of people know this,” Teru interjected through the royalty-free suspenseful music, “But the actress was actually severely injured during this scene. The pig was made of several sandbags, you see, and…”

Shou could barely hear him over the crunch of his burnt popcorn, which Teru had insisted on trying to pop himself with his powers then insisted he preferred burnt.

“...two clean breaks and thirteen fractures, but she kept acting…”

He popped another mouthful of charred snack food into his mouth, transfixed on the black-and-white screen. In a word, he’d describe the movie as confusing. The closest thing it had to a protagonist was now dead, and there was still a solid thirty minutes left. Maybe the pig was meant to be the protagonist? He felt Teru sling a cheeky arm over his shoulder at a jumpscare that Shou had absolutely zero reaction to.

“Have you seen a lot of horror?” Teru asked, arms still held protectively around his shoulder. Shou heard a buzz and saw Teru glance at his phone screen, stiffen, then put it away and pretend nothing happened.

“Yeah, but more mainstream stuff,” he said, “Not, uh. This.”

“See I feel like most mainstream horror tries too hard to fit the classic storytelling model,” Teru said, “Real horror should be focused on visceral fear, not a three act structure, you know?”

“Yeah,” Shou said in hollow agreement, “The lack of narrative cohesion really adds to the…suspense of it all.” Shou wanted to study this man under a microscope.

Teru settled back against his chair, yawning and someone stretching his arm further around Shou’s shoulder. “I’m glad to find someone who understands. It takes a   certain mind to be able to comprehend real art, you know?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m always saying this,” Shou said, leaning against him and feeling Teru’s heartbeat quickening. Goddamn was it really this easy to make someone fall in love with you?

Whatever he was doing was clearly working. Teru was like putty in his hands. He might as well be a little bold with it.

“I feel like we really get each other,” he elaborated, wrenching his eyes from the screen to look at Teru’s face. “Two espers, two film aficionados, two men…”

Teru laughed, looking at Shou for the first time since the movie had started. “What exactly do you mean by that?”

“Are you saying you don’t feel it?” Shou said, lowering his voice. The lighting was low in this makeshift theatre, his face illuminated only by the glow of the screen. Teru didn’t respond, light dancing in his abyssopelagic zone blue eyes as more hapless civilians were slaughtered by the swine.

It was now or never. The whole operation was riding on this moment. Shou buried his deep, deep malcontent for this man and puckered his lips, reaching forward to place a bold but chaste kiss on Teru’s mouth. As their lips touched the only words that could form in Shou’s mind were “he’s actually kind of bad at this, what the hell?”

His kiss was not unlike the person Shou has pursued while they were both highschool freshmen, unaware of the wealth of knowledge he lacked. But it seemed Teru had never gotten the message. Maybe no one had ever critiqued his form? Or he just hadn’t thought to improve himself?

He tried his best to guide him into some semblance of a decent kiss, despite his reticence to take any suggestions. They broke apart mere moments later, Shou underwhelmed by the whole experience, and Teru looking at him with some murky, unknowable expression.

“Wow,” Shou said, doing his best to appear breathless, “That was amazing.”

Teru blinked, expression still unreadable. Ah shit, did he make his move too soon? Shou felt a gentle hand cup his face and felt his gaze guided towards the screen.

“This is the best part,” Teru murmured, “The actor in this scene actually died seconds after the camera cut.”

He watched the flying dead pig swoop on another actor, barrelling into him at breakneck speed. The crunch reverberated through the surround sound system, far too accurate to be foley work. 

“Amazing,” Shou said begrudgingly, scrabbling to reach towards Teru’s hand. Their fingers intertwined as the screams of the swine filled the room.

Chapter Text

“Hey, Teru, can we talk?” Rei asked sheepishly.

“Yeah sure, what-” Teru started before getting interrupted by Shou walking in and planting a kiss on his cheek. He turned and kissed him back then turned back to his girlfriend. “What is it?”

“D- do you have something you want to tell me???” she said, voice strained.

He waited for Shou to get out of earshot before turning back to Rei, confident smile plastered on his face. “It seems Suzuki has fallen for me,” he said with a conceited laugh, “And I’m humoring him, for now. I don’t trust him yet, and I think there’s something he’s hiding. I can use this as an advantage, since he can’t resist me.”

Rei smiled back at her, her lips pressed in a thin line. “Really? You think that’s the best idea?”

“Of course, I don’t have any feelings for him.” He guffawed at the idea. “I only have eyes for one person. One woman, I mean. But I can use this silly infatuation to my advantage, and figure out the game he’s playing. It’s genius, really. I was sure you’d agree, it doesn’t even need to be said.”

“...So you want to fake date him… while dating me?” she said.

“Very simple,” he nodded. “Our relationship….should remain a secret, for now. We’ll let everyone think Suzuki has swooped me right from under you. That’s sure to boost his ego. I’ll let him think things are over between us.”

“Yeah… his ego…” Rei said.

“Are you implying something?” he raised an eyebrow suspiciously.

“What gave you that idea?” she said innocently.

“You’re so cute,” he said bitterly, tapping her nose, then replacing the poke of his finger with a light kiss. “I love that we always end up on the same page, Rei-chan. You really get what I’m working towards, don’t you?”

Chapter Text

“And then he WHAT?” Ritsu guffawed. It was the most emotion Shou had ever gotten out of him.

“I’m not fucking with you, he actually interrupted our kiss to watch a scene in that movie,” Shou said, breathless with laughter.

“What’s wrong with him?” Ritsu gasped between bouts of laughter.

“Never been criticized in his life?” Shou guessed, “He strikes me as the kind of person who’s always been surrounded by people too scared to tell him no.”

“What exactly are they scared of?” Ritsu asked with a hint of trepidation. 

“He is very powerful,” Shou said, “Like, just based off his vibes I don’t think he’s quite my level, but he does seem to have sort of a swiss army knife affectation to him.”

“...Howso?” Ritsu asked.

“Like, he seems to just have a bunch of random unrelated powers,” he said, “And based on what I can gather from the people who’ve been there longer than me he keeps gaining new ones.”

“How exactly does that work?” Ritsu’s face had gone dour again, adopting his typical serious demeanor. 

“I have no idea,” Shou shrugged. “Like, I’ve barely seen the guy use more than his telekinesis, which is pretty basic. This is all hearsay.”

“You should look deeper into it,” Ritsu said, a hint of annoyance creeping into his voice. 

“Yeah, yeah, of course. This is just the beginning of my operation, I think the intel I’ve gained so far is pretty substantial.” 

“What do you have so far?” Ritsu asked, “I mean, besides movie taste and psychoanalysis.”

“Uh.”

“Suzuki.”

“Okay well, Claw doesn’t have a whole lot of ‘full time’ members,” he said, “And aside from Teru, your brother, and the telepathy guy who I haven’t met yet, none of them seem especially powerful. Their leader appears to be an evil spirit possessing a body, though I’m not sure whose since he’s basically always wearing a mask.”

“The telepathy guy??” 

Shou shrugged. “There’s apparently a telepath, that’s basically all I know. Seems like he’s some sort of work-for-hire esper who’s loyal to the highest bidder, from what I heard. Teru doesn’t seem to be a fan of him, anyway.”

“Potential ally?” Ritsu suggested.

“Ha, like that’d ever happen,” Shou snorted, foreshadowingly. 

“Alright. So there’s a bunch of other shitty espers that work for Claw?”

“Yeah! Teru has a couple of goons who hang off his every word. And his…girlfriend? I’m not sure what’s going on between them right now given…us. Apparently she’s clairvoyant, so if she can’t see the writing on the wall…man, I feel bad for her.”

“Do you think…” Ritsu started then trailed off thoughtfully.

“Think what?” Shou asked.

“Whatever they did to my brother to make him think they’re the good guys and that he shouldn’t listen to me…” he said, “Do you think they did that to her?”

“What, like, brainwashing?” Shou asked. Ritsu shrugged. Shou started to feel a bit unnerved. Now that he thought about it, his base level happiness did seem a bit higher at Claw. “...I’ll look into it. Keep my eyes open to the possibility. It’s a good theory.”

It would explain some of the cognitive dissonance. He’d been chalking it up to the people there just being deeply damaged individuals, but maybe…

“Hey,” Ritsu put a hand on his shoulder and looked into his eyes, his gaze boring into him. “Make sure you don’t fall into it.”

“Strong psychics are naturally resistant to that sort of thing,” Shou said proudly, “I wouldn’t worry too much. Besides, I still hate the guy, so that’s something.”

Chapter Text

Teru walked into a pole.

“Hanazawa-san! Are you alright?” Kageyama yelped.

Teru shook his head, cursing himself for making a fool of himself in front of Kageyama, the only person with enough potential power to be his adversary… or something else. No. He was burying that thought.

“Don’t worry about me, Kageyama-kun!” Teru said, smoothing his collar. “It would take much more than a piece of flimsy city infrastructure to harm me. That’s why I don’t even look out for it.” It was a perfect save. 

“Oh, okay,” Kageyama said , eyes darting to the comical Looney Toons bump in the center of Teru’s forehead. Teru gave him a pained smile, feeling the brain fog set in.

-

By the time they got back to HQ Teru’s concussion had worsened to the point where he was struggling to walk.

“Are you sure you’re feeling alright, Hanazawa-san?” Kageyama was half carrying him as they stumbled through the glass doors.

“Positive!” Teru could only control about half his facial muscles. 

“You should see a doctor,” Kageyama said quietly, clearly sweating from the exertion. 

“I haven’t been to a doctor since I was nine haha,” Teru said.

“Uh.”

“I don’t need a doctor to tell me anything,” Teru continued proudly, his words coming out slightly jumbled. “My body I know basically. Everything going on. I’m psychic, attuned, a doctor couldn’t understand.”

“How about I make you some tea?” Kageyama suggested, steering him to the breakroom. As soon as they entered he spotted Suzuki playing foosball against himself and Teru felt his heart stop. Would he feel jealous seeing him and Kageyama like this? No, that was ridiculous, why would he? They were just friends and cosmically destined as rivals. 

Suzuki looked up from his game and his eyes fixed on them. There was a momentary flash of something on his face before he beamed a smile and waved to them. Was it jealousy? It couldn’t be, no. 

Although, now that he thought about it, making Suzuki jealous was a great idea. From a strategic standpoint. If he was jealous, he was invested. He would do anything to win over Teru’s affection. He was an effective tool. 

“Hey Teru!” Suzuki said with a voice that sounded overly sweet, “You’re not looking too good, what’s up?”

“He-”

“I made a miscalculation in my route and experienced a minor collision,” Teru stepped in. He stood proudly, on his own two feet, for a few moments before Kageyama appeared beside him to break his fall. 

“Oh, goodness,” Suzuki cooed, voice dripping with artificial sweetness. He rushed to him and kissed directly on the Looney Toons ass bump in the center of his forehead. It kinda hurt.

“Thank you, darling,” Teru said, trying not to grimace. He stumbled forward into Suzuki, who struggled to support his weight as Kageyama abandoned them to put a kettle on the stove. Teru was shocked by the way his heart raced feeling Suzuki’s arms wrapped around him. Normally he could brush off intimacy from girls like it was nothing, but something about this was different. He felt similarly from the brief touches he got from Kageyama, so he figured it was possible he was using psychic energy to affect his brain. 

Teru plopped onto the couch, Shou settling next to him and pulling him closer so Teru’s head was resting against his chest. His heart was beating at surprisingly steady rate, considering how Teru’s heartbeat was shaking his whole body. He needed to learn how to control that. 

“Here,” Kageyama set a cup of tea on the coffee table in front of him. Teru was half asleep rested against Suzuki’s chest. He scanned Kageyama’s expression, half hoping for signs of envy. Because having two espers in the palm of his hands sounded convenient. And no other reason. Jealousy truly was the most powerful weapon.

“Thank you, Kageyama-kun,” he smiled, sipping the tea and immediately burning the shit out of his tongue. He pretended not to feel it, continuing to sip his tea as though not in horrific agony.

“How is it?” Kageyama asked.

“Good. God you’re incredible,” Teru sighed, staring at him wistfully as the skin on the roof of his mouth peeled.

Kageyma smiled softly. Teru glanced at Shou, who had a surprising lack of jealousy of his face. Maybe he just wasn’t very expressive. Shou looked at his watch.

“Oh, I have to go,” he said, standing up abruptly and letting Teru flop onto the couch. “Uh, feel better, I guess… Honey.”

“Bye, Suzuki-kun,” Kageyama said.

“Man,” Teru sighed, “These pillows are so uncomfortable, I wish I were laying against someone’s chest right now.”

“Oh, I can get Asahi,” Kageyama said, “His temperature control stuff is super cool, he put his hand on my forehead when I had a headache and it actually helped a lot!”

“Th- okay,” Teru sighed as Kageyama walked out of the room.

-

“Is there a reason we’re doing this?” Asahi mumbled to Teru, who was leaning against his chest.

“I’m sick I have to lay on men,” Teru grumbled.

“Oh. Okay?” Asahi wondered how Rei was doing. She seemed to be taking the…break-up? Pretty well. 

His phone buzzed.

HOSHINO

hey werent we supposed to kidnap a kid tonight :P

Im with the boss it’s kinda important

tomorrow?

okey :3

“Who was that?” Teru mumbled. Was he jealous?

“It was Hoshino. It’s about, um,” he looked around. There wasn’t anybody nearby. “The kid? The plant kid.”

“Oh, that’s fine I guess,” Teru grumbled, “I don’t fuck with plants anyway.”

“Okay boss, whatever you say,” Asahi said. “I’m gonna tell him that. That you don’t fuck with plants.”

HOSHINO

Boss has been kind of weird since Suzuki showed up

Mind control??

nah man i think he’s discovering something

about himself

Oh well that’s beautiful i guess

I wish he would discover it somewhere else

Asahi sent a photo!

💀🏳️🌈

Asahi sighed and closed his messages. He looked down to see Teru fast asleep, drooling all over his new fucking jacket. Maybe if he moved really slowly he could get away without waking him up.

He tried to wedge a pillow between his chest and Teru’s body, but as soon as he started shifting away, Teru grabbed his arm. Fuck. It was gonna be a long afternoon.

Asahi was trapped there for four hours.

Chapter Text

“Shou,” Toichiro said in a voice that was concerningly deep for a 14 year old, “I’m hungry. What’s for dinner.”

Shit. He’d been so busy worrying about Teru he’d forgotten to buy groceries. 

“Well kiddo how do you feel about Chuck E Cheese?”

Toichiro raised an eyebrow at him.

“How old do you think I am?”

“You’re never too old for Chuck E Cheese, kid.”

“Can we at least go to like. John’s Incredible Pizza?”

“That’s like a thirty minute drive on a day without traffic and it’s rush hour.”

“Okay. Why don’t you love me?”

Shou opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. Toichiro turned and went into his room.

“Whatever, I wasn’t that hungry anyway,” he muttered, slamming the door. What the hell was this kid’s problem? He looked in the cabinets. Toichiro was smart enough to use the rice cooker, he’d be fine. Maybe they could go to John’s Incredible Pizza on the weekend. He heard his phone buzz and pulled it out of his pocket, feeling his heart skip a beat as he saw the name. He clicked “Answer”.

“Yo, Ritsu!” He tried not to make his excitement too obvious.

“Suzuki,” Ritsu said flatly, “Any updates on the, uh, situation?”

“Sorta?” Shou said, “Might be easier to explain in person.” He metaphorically twisted the phone cord between his fingers, kicking his feet. “Do you wanna come over?”

“Sure. I live right by John’s Incredible Pizza, do you want me to pick some up for us?”

“Sounds great, see you in a few!”

While waiting for Ritsu to arrive, Shou took a shower to get the terrorist stink off him. He worried his whole apartment would start smelling like Teru’s cologne one day. He took extra care styling his hair in the mirror. He wondered if he should put on a nice shirt, or if that would look kind of desperate. 

He put on a nice shirt. 

He heard a knock on the door and started towards it, then doubled back to the mirror, fixed his hair, and continued to the door. He looked through the peephole to see Ritsu dressed in what he guessed was his work attire holding a box of pizza. Shou opened the door and leaned an arm against the frame.

“What brings you here tonight?” He asks.

“What? You invited me?”

“Sorry, it was a joke,” he felt his voice crack and cleared his throat, “Uh, come on in.” 

Ritsu gave him a quizzical glance and stepped past the threshold. It was the first time he’d ever been in his apartment. He wondered if the place was too cluttered…he wasn’t the neatest guy. Toichiro’s room looked like a military dormitory, but the living room had scattered pages of top secret government documents all over the place. 

Ritsu didn’t give it a second glance. He set the pizza box down on the kitchen counter and opened it up to get a slice of plain cheese pizza. 

Shou realized he never specified what toppings they should get. Ritsu probably didn’t get any because he didn’t know what Shou liked. 

“I don’t really see the point to toppings,” Ritsu said as he took a bite.

“Me neither,” Shou said, pained. He would be okay eating his peanut butter and chicken pizza in secret. For the rest of his life probably. 

“So,” Ritsu continued, “What’s the situation with. Him.”

“Abnormal,” Shou said through a mouthful of depressing mid pizza.

“...Elaborate?” Ritsu prodded.

“Well, he has a concussion,” Shou said, “If this were an assassination job my job would be done by now but unfortunately I’m supposed to be gathering information.”

“Can’t you kill him anyway?” Ritsu suggested, taking a bite into his own slice.

“Damn, what’d he go to get on your bad side, steal me?” Shou nudged him. Did Ritsu blush a little? No, it was probably his imagination.

“You’ve seen how he treats my brother,” Ritsu deflected. “Anyway, it’s not like you’re off the market. You’re only dating him for work. You could be with anyone else if you wanted to.”

“He is a pretty bad person,” Shou noted as he gnawed at the soggy crust, “Cheating on him would be a moral win, I think.”

“Definitely. Maybe you should find someone. For the moral win, y’know?” Ritsu finished the piece of pizza he was eating. “Do you want any more? You can keep the leftovers if you want.”

“We can Lady and the Tramp the last one if you want,” Shou suggested.

“With a pizza slice? How would that even work?”

“That was a joke again.”

“Oh, yeah. You’re good at those.” 

God, he wanted him so bad. 

“Let’s move to the couch,” Shou said, trying to be slick, “I’ll tell you about, uh, Claw. For a while.”

Ritsu blinked, staring at him in silence for a moment.

“Uh, yeah, suppose we should.” Okay, the blush definitely wasn’t his imagination this time.

The two of them moved to the couch and Shou flicked on the TV. It turned on to a Flying Dead Pig showing and he rapidly flicked through the channels to some boring passable romcom.

“So, what’s it like at the headquarters? Not Teru but…everyone else?”

Shou thought back. Nobody he’d met had made a particularly strong impression. “None of the espers are very strong. There’s a telepath but he’s sort of elusive, I’ve only had one or two conversations with him.”

“Are you safe? With a telepath there, I mean?” Ritsu asked.

“Ah, I have ways of dealing, don’t worry so much about me,” Shou scoffed.

“It’s hard not to,” Ritsu muttered, looking away. Shou tilted his head.

“Howso?” Shou smirked, raising his eyebrows and trying to ignore his heart racing.

“You’re in a lot of danger, every day,” Ritsu said softly. He placed a hand on Shou’s shoulder. “I t hink about you…a lot.”

“More than I think about you?” Shou asked.

“How much do you think about me?” Shou looked up at him to see Ritsu’s deep brown eyes fixed on his and his heart started beating so fast he was afraid Ritsu would hear it.

“A lot,” Shou said, mouth dry. “I think about you…” Every time I kiss him I think about kissing you. The room was silent aside from the generic romcom orchestra playing quietly on the TV. Ritsu reached out a hand to cup his face and Shou leaned into it, eyes darting to the side for a moment before looking back.

Ritsu’s face was so close it became blurry, and when their lips met it was like something cool happening. Imagine if something was cooler than Dirk Strider from Homestuck, or the swords clashing in Sword Art Online. Shou drew away for a moment, taking a breath before going back in. Shou felt himself leaning back against the arm of the couch, Ritsu drawing his arm away from Shou’s face and putting both hands on either side of the HOW DO I WRITE THIS?? (A/N: this conveys the authors despaetiong)

“Ritsu,” Shou said softly, their faces a millimeter apart. He didn’t know how to continue. That was it; Ritsu. Ritsu was the only thing there.

“Shou,” Ritsu replied, but his eyes were distant, focused on something else. “Who is that? There’s some kid over there.”

Shou looked up and made eye contact with Toichiro for a second before he darted back into his room, pizza box in hand. Oh right he forgot to feed him.

“Don’t worry,” Shou said, “That’s my little brother. He’s hungry.”

“You have a little brother?”

“Not important,” Shou whispered, pressing another small kiss to Ritsu’s cheek. Ritsu melted into the kiss, Toichiro forgotten…son.

Chapter Text

The oumple booked a vacation to the Bahamas. 

“Teru-chan can you keep an eye on everyone for a week?” Dimple said.

“Of course, Dimple. Why wouldn’t I be able to? This place is built on my back. I’m like the tortoise carrying the continents, if the continents were Claw. I am Claw. I’ll be fine. I don’t even need you. But, I mean, I do, but I don’t for a week. You’re important in the long run. I’ll be fine. It’s fine.”

Dimple stared at him and Teru felt his hair raise as the mask fixed its eyes on him, its permanent smile mocking him.

“...Okay. Don’t fuck everything up.” Dimple sighed.

“Don’t even worry about it. It’ll be fine,” Teru said, giving finger guns. Teru could feel Dimple squinting at him through the mask. 

“Okay, well, I’ll be in the Bahamas. Keep everything going strong.”

Teru stepped out of the office and saw Kageyama in the hallway, frowning at his phone.

“Has your service been acting weird too?” Kageyama asked.

“It sure has,” Teru said smoothly. “Wonder what that’s all about. Maybe a problem with the provider?” He wondered who Kageyama was trying to get in contact with. Well, he wouldn’t have to wonder for long, at least. 

“Aren’t you and Dimple in charge of the tech stuff?” 

“I have no idea how to use a computer.”

“Oh, okay. I don’t either.”

“We have so much in common, Kageyamya-kun,” Teru said wistfully. Then, he grimaced as he saw his boyfriend rounding the corner. 

“Yo! Teru!” Shou said with a grin that Teru thought looked pained for a moment.

“Hi, Shou! How have you been?” 

“Weren't we supposed to go out yesterday?” Shou asked, “I texted but you didn’t respond.”

“Oh, were we?” Teru grimaced.

“Weren’t we at Sushi-” Kageyama started. Teru nudged him.

“It’s alright,” Shou said quickly, “I had some other stuff to work on.” He pointedly avoided eye contact with Kageyama. “Uh, do you wanna maybe make it up tonight?”

“Oh,” Teru grimaced, “I kind of already had plans…”

“...With who?” Shou asked, looking at Kageyama.

“Asahi,” he lied. Shou raised an eyebrow.

“And what will you two be doing?” Shou asked.

Kidnapping children. 

“What’s it to you?” Teru said, “What, we start dating and suddenly you have to control every aspect of my life?”

“What?”

“It’s pretty fucked up of you to not let me spend time with my friends, you know,” he said.

“That’s not what I meant! I just wanted to know what you were up to.”

“Okay, fine, whatever you say,” Teru rolled his eyes.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound controlling,” Shou said through gritted teeth. “I’m glad you’re spending time with everyone else. But let me know when you’re free, okay? I miss you.”

“Don’t try to guilt trip me,” Teru scoffed. “Come on, Kageyama, let’s go.”

Kageyama followed him, looking confused. 

“He’s being so ridiculous, right?” Teru said.

“Uh, I guess?” Kageyama didn’t sound convinced. Teru felt a spike of anxiety.

“How could he treat me like this? I would never treat you like this,” He said. 

“Oh. Thanks.” 

“If we were together, I’d treat you great. I’d really appreciate you. Have you ever really been appreciated, Kageyama-kun? Ever really been with someone who understood you?”

“I’ve never been with anyone before.” he mumbled.

Want to change that?

“That’s a shame,” Teru clicked his tongue. “You’re a real catch. Someone would be lucky to have you.”

“You really think so?” He looked at him with big sparkling baby cow eyes.

“Of course! The way you make people feel…it’s indescribable.”

“Describe it.”

The fuck did I just- “It’s like when you feel something and you don’t know how to describe it.”

“Oh yeah I felt that when I killed someone.”

“Yeah it’s like that but good.”

“Oh okay.”

-

Teru was not with Asahi. He was, in fact, taking a lovely walk through the rain with Kageyama pressed so close to him he felt like his heart was going to escape through his throat. It was to stay out of the rain, of course. Umbrellas were for commoners, he was holding a barrier over their heads. Kageyama didn’t want to maintain his own barrier, so they had no choice but to huddle together.

“I thought it wasn’t supposed to rain until evening,” Teru grumbled.

“Well, we have been out for a while,” Kageyama pointed out.

“I should learn how to control the weather,” Teru mused, “Wouldn’t that be better for everyone? I know what the weather should be like. None of this rain bullshit.”

“Plants need rain to grow,” Kageyama mused.

“I could just grow the plants too,” Teru smirked.

“What, just like, become god?”

“Yeah!” Teru said, excited, “Just like that! I could control everything. Or if I don’t have time to, I could get one of my minions to do it. I could control the paladins.”

“That seems like a lot of work,” Kageyama said.

“Yeah, of course it is. But most of it is menial stuff I could pawn off on other people. The real talent? People like you and me? We’d be at the top. Calling the shots. Coasting. It’d be great. We’d be free to do whatever we want, be whoever we want, be with whoever we want.”

“Wait, shut the fuck up for a minute,” Kageyama said, “I think I see something in the bushes.”

“Probably some kind of gougar,” Teru said dismissively.

But Kageyama crouched down and peered into the underbrush. He saw a white kitten, nearly grey with dirt, soaked to the skin and huddling under the meager protection of the leaves. Immediately, a barrier materialized over the bush, shielding the tiny thing from the rain. Kageyama put up a hand, casting a barrier over the bush. The kitten noticed the rainfall stopping and emerged hesitantly from the bush. He waited until it was a bit closer then gingerly lifted it, holding it close to his chest and standing back up.

Teru stared at him in disbelief. He never used his powers in public…never for himself. But now? For a small kitten he’d just met, he was willing to so easily. Teru felt something in his chest shift uncomfortably. 

“It’s too small to be out here all alone,” Kageyama said. He gazed fondly at the kitten’s face, nose and eyes crusted over with snot and some odd sort of bacterial infection growing in its ear. “He reminds me of you.”

Oh.

Oh.

He tried to think of some response but instead found himself leaning forward, cupping Kageyama’s face in one hand and touching his lips to his.

He drew back.

Kageyama was looking at him in utter bafflement.

“Hanazawa-san???”

Why the FUCK did he do that?

Teru immediately felt heat rush to his head. Oh god. He was such an idiot. That was the stupidest possible fucking thing he could have done. What was wrong with him? He could feel raindrops splattering against him. Had he dropped his barrier? Why was he such a failure? He felt something like sparks in his head and his vision started to get unreasonably bright. Oh god not here, not now. Before he could register what was happening he could feel the side of his face touching the pavement. Kageyama was saying something but it was muffled.

“Don’t call an ambulance!” he said, hoping it was comprehensible as the world shrunk into a tiny dot of light and fizzled out.

“Hanazawa-san!” Kageyama called out as he hit the ground. He dropped to his knees to check if he was still breathing. He seemed fine just…passed out. His face was red. He pressed the back of his hand to his forehead, some instinctual memory from his childhood, and felt that he was burning up. When he fell, his phone had slid out of his pocket and clattered against the pavement. It buzzed, the screen lighting up. 

SHOU

2:30 Hey, weren’t we supposed to meet up?

2:45 Teru?

3:00 Where are you?

3:09 Hello??

3:11 Kageyama here I think he died

3:11 Oh :(

3:11 Help???

3:12 Where are you guys?? Omw

-

“Thank you so much for coming,” Kageyama said, breathless. He was sitting on the sidewalk holding a soaking wet cat to his chest with Teru passed out beside him.

“What happened?” Shou asked, disappointment rising in him. Teru definitely wasn’t dead. He was clearly breathing, and his face was flush. Dead bodies were pale. 

Kageyama’s face screwed up like he just ate a lemon. “He just, uh. He just did that. He just…died. All of a sudden.”

Shou grimaced. “What happened before that.”

“I. Found. I found a cat.”

“Is he allergic?”

“He never said.”

Great. Of course he was such a terrible person he couldn’t stand to be within ten feet of God's greatest creature. 

“He probably just had an allergic reaction. I’ll give him benadryl.”

Chapter Text

Arataka walked into Spirits and Such.

“What am I doing here?” he said, meta-ly.

Kurata turned around and smirked coyly. “You’re about to learn a real lesson about yourself and the power of a multi-perspective narrative.”

“Hm. This feels like a breach of my trust,” Arataka said.

“I’m here as well,” Serizawa muttered, observing the scene in front of him. He would describe internally it in a five paragraph piece of semi relevant poetry but he didn’t feel like it.

Kurata simply waved her hand. “Your presence is implied,” she said wisely. She reached into her desk and pulled out a jigsaw puzzle of a decapitated symbolism.

“Woah, Kurata-san! What did you do to that symbolism?” Arataka said.

“I need you to assemble it for character growth you selfish bitch,” Kurata said. She thought about it for a moment then added, “Sorry, I didn’t mean it.” I’ve never read A Breach of Trust. But Arataka had.

“Wow I can’t believe you said that to a minor,” Serizawa added side characterly. 

“Yeah pretty fucked up,” Mogami shouted from the basement where Minori was keeping him.

“Woah, looks like somebody hasn’t gotten their soup today!” Kurata said. “Well, I have to take care of that. You boys have fun with your puzzle.”

Arataka began putting the pieces together and frowned.

“This reminds me of… sad water.”

“Water which is sad,” Serizawa said sagely. Kurata went into the basement and added it to her quilt.

“Sometimes I too am sad,” Arataka said, sniffling slightly. They thought about how sad they were while nature was beautiful or morose or symbolically meaningful outside or something.

A roach crawled symbolically across Arataka’s shoe. “FUCK KILL THAT THING,” he yelled, scrambling away at record speed. 

“KURATA-SAN, YOUR OFFICE IS FUCKING INFESTED, YOU DISGUSTING SLOB,” he bellowed down the cellar door that led to the basement. 

“Symbolism!” Kurata said in the voice of someone who had been up until 5 am.

“I’m about to symbolise a house and fucking Leave.” The walls became 1/4th of an inch wider.

“*s” Serizawa added.

“This puzzle is stupid anyway,” Arataka said. “I have to reject my chance to understand myself before I can come to accept what I am.”

“I’ve never had a hamburger,” Serizawa said.

“What?”

“Sorry I forgot where I was for a second.”

“We can go to Mobdonalds if you want man,” Arataka said, “But you’re paying. I’m broke.”

“Stop spending money on Genshin Impact.”

“If I don’t pull Kaedahara Kazuha my life is meaningless!” 

“Man I wish I could have something other than soup,” Mogami shouted, voice echoing off the cavernous basement walls.

Minori poked him with a stick violently. 

“Stop breaking my cups your fucking minor.”

“Woah, this isn’t the Bahamas!” Dimple shouted, undergoing an underfell transformation upon stepping foot into the basement. 

“Who are you?” Mogami gasped.

“I’m Simple. Join my cult.”

“Sorry I’m too busy being sad and neglected to have a personality or motives,” Mogami sighed, kicking a dead roach, symbolically.

“Oh. That sucks.” TheDimple left. 

Reigen got stuck in the attic.

Chapter Text

Shou found Teru’s address by taking off his garish purple suit coat, turning out the pockets, and rifling through his belongings until he found his driver’s license. He rushed over to his apartment in his car shaped like a car and hurried to the top floor. 

He tossed Teru’s limp body onto the couch and fished out the emergency benadryl he kept on his person at all times, shoving like 10 or 20 pills in his mouth. Whagever. If he died he died.

While he was unconscious, Shou might as well toss his apartment and look for anything incriminating or funny. Kageyama had unleashed the fucking Thing he found in his apartment and he was making quick work of knocking as many breakables off high surfaces as he could. 

“Lol,” Shou said out loud. Then he went to Teru’s bathroom to look for drugs or something.

“Five different types of shampoo? Kill yourself,” Shou tried to put the bottle back on the shelf but magically every single bottle in the shower fell to the floor regardless of its proximity to him. “I can blame that on the cat too I guess,” he said. He wondered how Teru’s benadryl trip was going.

-

Teru now knew what they meant by cocomelon shit.

He felt himself teleport, but only one organ at a time. It took hours. After three seconds of this eternal agony, he was sitting up on the couch, looking upon a hellscape that vaguely resembled his apartment if the world’s clumsiest kleptomaniac had tried to rob him then given up. He had a phone notification.

GIRLFRIEND I GUESS

Well Teru, it’s joever.

He had absolutely no idea who that message was from. Probably spam or some shit. 

“Who’s joe,” he asked to the ether. 

“Joemama,” God responded. God was ginger. Unrelated, Shou Suzuki was also there.

“No,” Teru argued, because God was clearly in the wrong. “My mother would never text me.”

“Who ya talking to, big guy?” Shou asked. Teru felt some sort of bone deep terror set in.

“Where Kageyama?” Teru sobbed.

“All the Kageyama blew up,” Shou said gently, “He left me to watch after you.”

“That sounds fake but okay,” Teru said suspiciously. The kind and handsome Kageyama he knew would never leave him, in distress, in the hands of someone like Shou. He had obviously been forcibly removed on the grounds of boyfriend privilege or whatever. 

“Are you feeling okay?” Shou said gently. 

“Where were we going with this?” Teru said.

“I don’t know.” Shou said. “I’m scared.”

“Why is there a filthy disgusting creature in my house?” Teru said.

“Oh, Kageyama left it here with pet supplies,” Shou said, “I think he went through something profound and meaningful picking them up but I’m not really sure.”

Oh , Teru thought, Kageyama-kun realized he is in love with me while at the pet store. “I still think it should be boiled.” 

“We aren’t doing that,” Shou said, then suddenly realized he was still supposed to be pretending to be Teru’s boyfriend, “Baby.”

“I’m an adult.”

“It’s a term of endearment you fucking freak.”

“I knew that.” Teru still felt like he was covered in spiders and he really wished the tall, spindly figure with a bowler cap standing behind Shou would find somewhere better to be.

“How fucked up are you on a scale from one to ten?” Shou asked, then elaborated, “Because of the benadryl I mean.”

“(1+(√5))/2)”

“Hm.”

“I do think I might have unlocked telepathy though,” Teru remarked.

“Oh? That’s really good news,” Shou lied scaredly. Fuck fuck fuck. 

“Yeah I can feel how handsome you think I am. It’s like… orange. And C major.”

“Oh wow that’s really impressive! It sounds like it’s really working.” Crisis averted. “Anyway you seem alright sooooo I gotta leave. Even though it pains me. To leave you.”

“I can feel your agony,” Teru muttered, looking like a kicked puppy.

“Wow. I feel so connected right now.” Shou gave him a half-hearted kiss on the forehead. Man, he was burning up. Real hospital temperatures. Whagever. If he died he died. So it goes. This literary reference was on the exact same level as A Breach of Trust.

“Don’t leave…or you’re gay…”

Shou stood up. “I’m bisexual.” He evaporated into mist. His voice carried on the breeze. “And a miionaire.” Teru could feel the hat man materializing behind him.

“Erm, he’s right behind me isn’t he.”

Chapter Text

After Mob’s enlightening offscreen petstore conversation with Tsubomi which had to happen offscreen because women can only appear in m/m fics as antagonists, he decided to call his brother, a character who deserved screentime.

He hadn’t spoken to Ritsu in many moons because Teru said he was poisoning his mind. He likened Ritsu to Hawkfrost from the Dark Forest, whatever that meant. Teru said that Mob was like Dovewing and Teru was like Tigerheart and Shou was an anti and he got quite confused by all these words. If there was one takeaway from the whole conversation, it was that Ashfur did nothing wrong. Mob queued Rory by Foxing on his spotify playlist and typed in his brother’s phone number.

It only rang one before he picked up. ONE was disappointed by what had been done to his property. Ritsu, on the other hand, was delighted. 

“Nii-san?” He said softly, like he was coaxing a feral cat. It was kind of hard to hear over the screaming of WHYYYYY DON’T YOU LOVE ME BACK. God, Conor Murphy had such a… voice.

“Hi Ritsu,” Mob said, “Sorry we haven’t talked in a while. Phones don’t work so good at Claw Headquarters.”

“I noticed,” Ritsu said, checking his ‘signs you are in a cult’ wikimob article for a moment to confirm this was a red flag. “Anyway, how’s it been?”

“Oh, it’s been okay. I found a cat, and a love interest. These two are symbolically related I think.”

Ritsu groaned, chopping the head off a nearby teddy bear. He hated symbolism. “That’s great, Nii-san,” he said with forced cheeriness. “I recently found someone too. Maybe we could all get together sometime?”

“Like a double date?” Mob asked, feeling the red string of fate pulling him towards its inevitable conclusion. 

“Yeah, exactly like that. It would be good to see you again.”

Mob thinks about how nice it would be if Teru and Ritsu got along. Maybe it would be nice to go on a date with Teru, despite his other boyfriend and girlfriend. He was sure that wouldn’t be relevant to the upcoming events even a little bit. Somewhere Monkey-chan’s paw curled.

“I’ll ask him if he’s interested,” Mob said happily, realizing he had switched tenses in the last paragraph. Suddenly he remembered homophobia. “I’m gay lol. I guess. I don’t really know. Men kiss me sometimes.”

“Oh, me too,” Ritsu said.

“Okay. Yay.” This was a great conversation with his brother. Ritsu smiled as he hung up. Wow. It was so cool his brother had discovered something about himself. He was so happy about this that he forgot to wonder what guys could possibly be in the dating pool of a shut-in stuck in a cult with literally nine other people and ghost.

He got a text from Shou.

SUZUKI

Fucked his ass up on benadryly lol

Lol

Wanna go on a double date with me and my brother

It’s kind of important to reintegrate him into society

K

Chapter Text

Though the immediate effects of the benedryl had subsided, Teruki Hanazawa’s waking nightmare remained.

He was, first of all, still dealing with the consequences of his antihistamine-induced haze. He opened his laptop to find a mobbit post simply titled, “Why did kanazawa kiss mup in the rain? Is he stupid?” On the front page of his cult’s esteemed subreddit.

The comments offered no helpful advice. He used his mod privileges to send the post to the shadow realm. 

When he went into Claw headquarters, he decided to bring the foul cat with him. It was better than leaving it in his apartment. He dreaded seeing Kageyama, but figured superficial kindness towards the horrid thing would soften whatever interaction they had. He could sense the barely hidden mockery in the expressions of his colleagues as he passed them.

“Hey Teru-san, nice jacket!”

“Want to hang out later today?”

They all hated him.

He avoided as many people as he could on his way through headquarters, but found himself, loathfully, face-to-face with Rei Kurosaki in the break room. 

She didn’t make eye contact. Maybe she was acoustic? Well, she had been clear it was joever. There was really no point in ever speaking to or thinking about her again. Teru cleared his mind, and it was like she no longer existed. He couldn’t possibly know what she was thinking or up to because she simply wasn’t there. 

“I need to return some tapes,” he muttered to no one in particular. No one replied, and he left in a hurry. 

Oh my god fucking minecraft steve was there in the hallway next to his circle head ass brother. “Oh great, Shapeland is here,” Teru said under his breath. 

“It’s called Flatland jackass,” whichever one the square one said indignantly, “And it was an incredibly introspective look at the way people tend to organize themselves in meaningless hierarchies based on arbitrary standards.”

“Shut up buzz, I’ll kill you,” Teru said, completely done with this farce. “Teach me telepathy right meow. Also if we were in Flatlands I would be a much cooler shape than you.”

“Circles were the priest class in Flatlands, you don’t get cooler than that,” the circle headed fucking freak said. 

“I’d be 3D.

Hoshino looked at Asahi from where he sat in the breakroom.

“Do you ever think about how reliant our modern media is on reference humor?” he said thoughtfully, “How often do you go to pick up a book or sit down and watch a movie and half the jokes are just callbacks to things you’ve seen with no punchline.”

“Oh hey look, Flying Dead Pig is on.” Asahi said.

“Yeah it’s been on all week Teru broke the TV so it’s all that plays.”

“Oh yeah.”

Hoshino kicked a rock that was on the floor for some reason. “You wanna run away together?”

This too, was yuri.

And then Kageyama was there! Not with Hoshino and Asahi they’re not important. He was with Teru of course are you fucking stupid. 

“Hanazawa-san, we need to talk,” he said. Teru felt his heart do an acrobatic pirouette and shoot the person who wrote this in the head with a gun.

“Oh?” He said, blinking his giant chalcanthite blue eyes. 

“You kissed me,” Mob said matter-of-factly. “So I want to take you on a date. To make an honest man out of you.”

“Y-you’re giving me a chance?” he said, heart pounding so hard he thought he might frow up.

“Uh yeah sure. My brother is gonna be there also with his date it’s like a double date. Is that cool.”

“That guy has a girlfriend?” Teru scoffed in disbelief.

“*Boyfriend.”

“Oh good for him I guess,” Teru said. Even after all this he still couldn’t shake his heteronormative way of thinking. “You got faggot genes?”

“Hanazawa-san you can’t say that.”

“I can reclaim!” 

Chapter Text

“...of course, the foie gras is good too,” Teru said, leaning on Mob in the backseat of the Uber. He was wearing his finest suit, gold sequins bright against the rich purple fabric. “I’ll be having the steak, of course. Anyone with class would have the steak. You judge a restaurant on its steak. If they fuck up steak, just kill the chef.”

Kageyama shifted awkwardly.

“Erm, I’m not sure if that will be the best option where we’re going…” he muttered. Teru raised an eyebrow at him.

“How do you mean?”

“Er, my brother picked it out. He said it was the closest place to his house and he didn’t feel like walking more than five minutes or operating a vehicle.”

“Well, I’m sure I’ll find something. Do you have opinions on appetizers?”

“I think mozzarella sticks are good.”

“Oh, are we going to an Italian place?”

“Uh.” Kageyama paused for a long moment. “The food there is Italian-inspired. Definitely. It has the components of Italian food.”

“Brilliant! You know, I speak Italian.”

“Really?” Kageyama sounded astounded.

“Is it that hard to believe?” Teru smirked.

“Well, it’s only a one in teruillion chance.” Kageyama said thoughtfully

A stray neutrino had hit his brain while he was filming his TV show shortly before an accident that had left several crew members dead. But Kageyma didn’t need to know that.

“I’m a man of many talents. Anyway, it looks like we’re here.” The Uber driver pulled up to the restaurant, white-knuckling the steering wheel as if in great distress. And that uber driver… was Kamuro Shinji. After escaping his homophobic family, he was supporting himself in any way he could. He was jealous of the two men so casually sharing a romantic evening…and little did he know, going to speak to the old flame that’d started his journey down the devious path of the homosexual lifestyle. And that flame… was Tokugawa Hikaru, the lowest rated waiter at John’s Incredible Pizza. Teru, none the wiser to all this interpersonal nonsense, opened the door and stepped out, holding the door open for Kageyama so he could awkwardly crawl over the seat to go through the same door.

“Thanks, Hanazawa-san.”

Teru was speechless because he was standing in front of a pizza restaurant for children. “Italian,” he whispered softly. Kageyama led him by the hand into the restaurant and he was immediately overwhelmed by the sound of arcade games and screaming children. He spotted a familiar man with shaggy black hair sitting at a table next to-

Oh no.

Shou turned and made direct eye contact with him. The two of them stared at each other from across the restaurant, the sound of screeching and electronic buzzing becoming an overwhelming cacophony drowning out any coherent thoughts his brain tried to formulate.

There was nothing but a litany of fuck fuck shit fuck god what christ .

Teru sat down, followed by Kageyama. He smiled politely. Shou’s unsettling blue eyes had not left him. Ritsu was glancing between the three of them looking like he was trying to figure out how to defuse a bomb.

“Hi Ritsu,” Kageyama said cheerily, “Let me introduce you to Hanazawa-san! Or, well, properly introduce you, since I know you two didn’t exactly get off on the right foot.” He had seen so many people dating each other's boyfriends it wasn’t even weird anymore so everything was probably normal. 

“Nice to formally meet you, Hanazawa-san,” Ritsu said robotically. “Nii-san, I’m sure you know Suzuki.”

Teru wanted to ask how they knew each other but bit his tongue. What was he even supposed to say here? Someone had shown up to a double date with his boyfriend . Kageyama’s brother was nothing but a filthy homewrecker. But he could orchestrate his demise at a later date. He didn’t want to upset Kageyama by killing his brother in front of him. He had the feeling people generally didn’t like that.

“I know Shou quite well,” Teru interjected. The last moment felt like many months had passed. Two infact. Too many. Two is many. Knowledge.

“Can I get your fucking order please,” the waiter said, fancy hair part on full display. 

“Hey is th-” Shou slapped his hand over Ritsu’s mouth.

Teru ignored them to order food. “A Mr. Beast salmon for the gentleman, and for me, a single perfect plum.”

“We don’t sell that here, sir.” he said suicidally, “This is a pizza buffet.”

“Since when do they have-” Shou slapped his mouth over Ritsu’s mouth. Love wins. 

“Since when do they have waiter at-” Shou slapped his mouth over Ritsu’s mouth again. Love won.

“Why did you do that twice?” Ritsu murdered.

“I forgor…………………………………………………….tenson”

Ritsu seemed seriously concerned for his boyfriend. But he was at a restaurant and the waiter was expecting his order. “Do you guys have five hour energy?”

“Yeah sure whatever,” the waiter said, rolling his eyes, governmentally.

Kageyama looked immediately uncomfortable. “Ritsu,” he said quietly, “You’re not…” he picked up the silver spoon laid out in a napkin at the table and pantomimed cooking then injecting a dose of heroin, “Again?”

“No I haven’t done that since I scared the crows away,” Ritsu said reassuringly.

“Wow it’s been 14 years already?”

“Aren’t you only 27,” Shou said quietly, looking concerned. 

“Does anybody want a fucking pizza?” the water asked, having to shout over the sound of a new fire escape being installed outside. The building was also pretty new, but not as new as the fire escape, which was the newest fire escape any of them had ever seen. Or heard, since it was outside, out of view, where they couldn’t see it on account of being a fire escape²

^{Dfsdfsdfsdf HELP I’M TRAPPED IN HERE HALLPPPP HALP}

The very small man shouted from inside the sentence. If only big guy were here. Teru quieted him gently by feeding him a piece of cheese.

Shou finally bit the bullet and ordered a fucking pizza. “I’ll have a barbecue chicken ranch thin crust with peanut butter stuffed crust.”

Teru resisted the urge to suicide bait him on the spot. Instead, he put on his winnigest smile and ordered. “Just cheese pizza please.” He knew Kageyama’s stomach couldn’t handle anything else. 

“Dude this is a fuckoff massive pizza. This is two gigantic pizzas. Are you sure you know the path you’re choosing.”

“I’m well aware the path I walk. I’ve always known. I’m in complete control of my life, my organization–everything. Everything is going exactly as planned, most of all this date, and this pizza.”

Toku- the waiter would remember that. Teru resisted the urge to glass him.

Teru just had to survive this night. Then the next night. Then the next three nights. At Freddy’s. Then two additional nights for some reason because of false advertising. Basically it was gonna be a long night or five or seven. And by god was he turning purple. Guy.

“Hanazawa-kun,” Kageyama said softly, “Are you having an allergic reaction? Do you need more benadryl?”

“NO.”

“I have some benadryl,” Shou offered.

“I’m not having an allergic reaction because I don’t have any allergies,” Teru declared. In fact, he was having an allergic reaction to the copium he was smoking. 

“Maybe he’s ageric to gagobears,” Ritsu suggested.

“I AM NOT AGERIC TO GAGOBEARS,” Teru roared, his telekenisis throwing everything across the room. The ten year olds playing arcade games and trying to distract themselves from their parent’s divorces looked at him in unison. The restaurant was eerily quiet except for the sound of construction and the tinny radio playing Beastrune. Toku- the waiter stared at them, his name stated redundantly.

“...I’ll get those pizzas for you gentlemen.” 

“Thank you,” Teru said. As soon as he walked away he began bitching about the service.

“--I just think if you work customer service, you should act overjoyed. You should smile. ” He’d been at this rant for a while. Everyone was uncomfortable. 

“Brother you can just die.” Ritsu said.

Kageyama looked devastated. “You can’t be saying that shit, government representative baby.”

Shou looked suicidally at the kitchen. Maybe if he had pizza he wouldn’t kill himself. Toku- the waiter remegered from the kiten, platter in hand.

“Here you fucking go I guess.” He put down the platter. Somehow it was split down the middle with half the pizza being cheese and the other half being the most disgusting concotion Shou’s mind could conjure. Teru and Shou both went for a slice at the same time and their hands brushed. The hand Teru had held so many times.

“Kyaa~” Teru didn’t say. He felt nothing. They may well have been piglets trying to suckle from the same teat and if Shou bled Teru would gladly eat him alive. This is a literary device. 

Ritsu looked morosely at his half of the pizza. He googled how many calories are in heroin. 

“Put me in the screencap.” TheMajorHimself contributed from where he was owning a 7 year old at table hockey.

Teru was done fucking around. “So, how did you two meet?” he asked. 

“Bible study,” Ritsu answered instantly, looking up from his phone.

“Ritsu, you’re not-” Kageyama started.

“I love Jesus?” Ritsu cut him off, clearing his throat.

“More than your supposed boyfriend?” Teru coughed.

“It’s like a poly thing,” Shou clarified. “You wouldn’t have anything against someone having multiple partners, right Teru?”

“Of course not. Love is love.” He was sweating bullets. He had been sweating bullets every moment of his life since that kiss. But the rounds he was sweating right then were like straight up fifty caliber. 

“Did you have to google that?” Takenaka suddenly contributed. Foreshadowing!

“What the fuck are you doing here??” Teru asked, “I’ve never googled anything.”

“Really?” Ritsu asked, “Not even something like Am I Gay Quiz? 12 times? In a row?”

“Goddamn.”

“I AM NOT GAY!!!!” Teru brought everything he threw across the room telekinetically back to him. A sad ant picked up a bindle somewhere.

“You’re not gay?” Kageyama looked at him with big beautiful cow eyes. 

“Ah! I mean, for you…” Teru blushed, rubbing a hand behind his head. This man was responsible for at least 25 felony charges.

“I heard that,” Takenaka said pointedly. He made a covert signal with his hands. “Here they come…”

But nobody came. Beastrune got pitched down by 500%.

Shou picked up another slice of pizza. Something silver glinted in the light below the grease and cheese. 

“FDNJKNDJKFNJKFNJSDKFS.”

“How did you say that with your mouth,” Ritsu asked.

“I said ‘What did you two do at Bible study’.” Teru sneered.

“The fuck do you mean. Study the bible.”

“I think he was asking how you two started dating,” Kageyama said, shooting him a glare. “Ritsu.”

“How many gay people do you think there are at bible study.” Shou asked.

“Does homophobia exist in this universe?”

“Well it does in deltarune.”

“But undertale hasn’t even come out yet!” Takenaka wails. He was fifth wheeling hard. He wished he hadn’t been so foreshadowed. He was like the foreshadows on the wall of the cave. And Teru was beating him to death. In his mind. Not in front of Kageyama. Never in front of Kageyama.

“We actually had our first kiss over a pizza just like this,” Ritsu said wistfully.

“How long ago?” Teru raised an eyebrow.

“About 6 chapters ago.”

“Well, if I recall, we had ours about ten chapters ago.” Teru mumbled. They all ignored the uncomfortable web of romantic relationships and infidelity happening at this table. 

“Our first kiss was only 5 chapters ago,” Kageyama said shyly, “But Hanazawa-san died. Badly.”

“Oh so that’s what that was…” Shou said, connecting the dots.

“You’re not connecting shit,” Teru said defensively, sweat dripping down his forehead.

Kageyama delicately dabbed his forehead with a pizza napkin. it was like a hankerchief but with more cartoon bears on it. “You’re delicate sensibilities…I fear you’ll be taken by the vapors again.”

“I don’t vape.” Teru said coldly. “And any weak fuck who does can’t take me.”

Shou began whistling, glancing down at the cartrige in his pocket. Was that a dig at him? Did Teru remember he had it? Or anything about him? His eyes were unreadable. Dark. Nar….no I shan’t say. Ritsu wiped the sweat off his brow at his boyfriend beating the ableism allegations. I can make this joke.

“Strong ants strong ants strong ants,” Takenaka chanted like bloody mary.

“HEEEEERE THEY COOOOOME,” Toku-the waiter said in the distance. The police barged in through the new fire escape. Even more police barged in through the front door. They were surrounded. 

Amongst the throng of strong ants decked out in riot gear, there was one woman……Rei Kurosaki. 

“Rei-chan?!!?” Teru squawked in disbelief, “But… women can only be relevant in mlm shipping fics as minor antagonists?!?!?!”

“Well, Teru….I’m the main character of my own life.” 99.9 by Mob Choir blasted over the speakers. Her life was truly her own.

“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!”

“I’d prefer to take you dead, honestly,” Takenaka said with a smirk.

“Hanazawa-san… what is all this…?” Kageyama asked. Ritsu looked equally as baffled while Shou sat in stupefied glee.

“The haters have come for me at last…” Teru muttered under his breath. “Kageyama…you have to help me! Blow all of them away with your psychic powers!”

“I don’t feel like it.” Kageyama said sadly, kicking a rock. Well, fuck. Teru tried to escape through the tube slide but got stuck and had to be removed.

The strong ants carried a section of tube slide cut out with Teru’s head sticking out of it past Kageyama. 

“Kageyama my darling I’ll never forget you.” He said, embodying the spirit of divorce despite having never been married,

“I can visit you in prison. Maybe then I can teach you that victim blaming is toxic behaviour.” He said britishly. 

“Vice preisdent?” Ritsu said. “You were with the government the whole time?”

“And I had a youtube channel!” Mogami shouted from the basement.

“Why weren’t these mentioned earlier in the story?” Ritsu asked.

“It was tonally inconsistent and distracted from the plot.” Tokugawa said flatly.

“Well boss,” Shou slicked back his hair. “I’m glad we could-”

“You’re fired Suzuki.”

Teru’s uber came to pick him up, but he was being loaded into the police van. The driver stepped out to assess the situation, but his eyes caught on Tokugawa. Sparks flew. Hells you’d. Sons, forgot. And then. 

The strong ants showed Teru the hell outside.

THE END