Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Isabeau hummed to himself while he was sewing. It was a nice, late autumn day in Jouvente, and his shop was filled with comfortable silence, (not counting his humming, of course). Siffrin was napping on the cushioned windowsill. He reminded Isa of a cat.

He wished he could have enjoyed quiet moments like this.

For a brief moment, his hands felt sticky with blood. Sif, quiet if not for their gentle breathing, was covered in blood. The whole shop. Covered in blood.

No.

There was nothing like that in the room. Just a quaint atmosphere, like always.

Isabeau took a deep breath and continued sewing.

It’s been a little while since the bonding ceremony, and he felt like dwelling on the memories of things that happened leading up to it wasn’t important. Really, he should just stop thinking about it and it’ll all be fine.

He was fine.

Siffrin was fine.

Isa had to set down the pants he was hemming, realizing he couldn’t focus on it anymore. His vision was fogging up, his hands were shaking slightly and he kept poking his fingers with the needle.

He stood up and walked towards the little nook Siffrin was still peacefully sleeping in. There was just enough space for Isabeau to sit down next to his spouse.

Wow … that was still so hard to believe. He reached up to his left ear, his fingers brushing against the wooden star-shaped earring.

He dozed off against his will.

He woke up with a gasp what felt like seconds and hours later at the same time.

“Isa … hey, Isa?” a concerned voice came from in front of him.

Siffrin was kneeling on the bench next to him, gently shaking his shoulder.

Isabeau blinked at him.

“You were mumbling in your sleep,” they said, “like you were having a bad dream.”

A bad dream, huh? He could describe it that way. Siffrin, dying over and over and over again and him being unable to do anything about it … like back then. His heart stopped for a beat just thinking of it.

“I guess. Just dreamed that a client hated my designs.”

“Everyone likes your designs, Isa,” he said in what was probably meant to be a reassuring way.

They reached up to their left ear, twirling the flashier of their two bonding earrings around their finger. Isa noticed they started doing that sometime after their bonding ceremony. It was very cute.

“I know. It was a stupid bad dream,” he shrugged it off.

Siffrin let out a soft hum, seemingly thinking about something. “Do you want a hug?”

Oh. he wasn’t usually the one to offer hugs in their relationship. Isabeau started wondering how bad exactly he was at hiding he had a bad nightmare.

“Well, I won’t say no to a hug if it’s you,” he said, making sure to give Siffrin a big smile.

They gave Isa a side hug and leaned their head on his shoulder. Isa wrapped his left hand around Sif.

Yeah, it was all fine. He was fine. Siffrin was fine. Nobody was dead.

A moment of silence passed.

“Hey Isa,” Sif spoke, “I was thinking of going to the library tomorrow. Do you want to come with me?”

“Hm? You sound a little nervous. You’re not scared of books, are you?” Isa said in a lightly teasing tone.

“I … wanted to try and learn more about my home.” He did sound a bit more than just a little nervous, Isabeau noticed. “I guess … I am a little scared.”

Oh … How long were they planning to do so for? “Of course I’ll come with you.”

Like always, he was free over the weekend, and he liked hanging out with Siffrin, so really, he would’ve wanted to spent time with his spouse regardless of if they asked or not.

“Heh … thanks Isa.” Siffrin gently kissed the edge of his jaw.

Woah. Isabeau was never going to get used to how affectionate Sif could be when he got out of his shell enough to do so, was he?

“Thanks for the hug, Sif,” he muttered, returning affection by kissing the top of Siffrin’s head. “Do you want to get some dinner?”

“Dinner? I hardly know ‘er.”

… That was such a stupid joke.

Obviously, Isa laughed.

Isabeau didn’t sleep very well. The nightmare was still on his mind, and he was worried that if he fell asleep, he was going to wake up to Siffrin, right there, dead and covered in blood. It’s been months since their bonding ceremony, he shouldn’t be worried anymore. And it didn’t really happen anyway. Siffrin couldn’t remember it. So it wasn’t real. So he shouldn’t care.

When he woke up, Siffrin was already awake, and in the process of putting on their coat.

Their hair, which they were keeping longer than they used to, was tied up in a pony tail with a ribbon Isabeau made for them out of spare fabric a little while ago, with the strands of it that were too short falling over their neck, curling slightly.

“Morning Sif,” he spoke. He hoped he sounded as carefree as he liked to pretend he was.

Sifrin turned around, a gentle smile on his face. “Morning Isa,” then, with a slightly concerned frown, “Did you sleep at all tonight?”

“I think it’s the moon,” he waved dismissively, quickly coming up with an excuse, “had a hard time falling asleep.”

“Ah,” Sif nodded, not asking further questions.

Isabeau started getting out of bed. “Hm, what should we have for breakfast? Jam on toast?”

He noticed Siffrin had a grin on their face as they answered. “That’s my jam.”

Isa laughed. He could never get tired of his puns.

Isbeau and Siffrin were on their way to the library. Jouvente was a bustling city and they had to stick close together so they wouldn’t get separated. Isa made sure to stay on Sif’s right so that his spouse could see him at all times, and they held on to his hand so they wouldn’t lose each other.

The library was just down the street and to the left from their house, so really, there was no way anything could have gone wrong.

And then, something went wrong.

Isabeau only just saw it happen from the corner of his eye. The two of them passed a house that had some construction going on. He saw something metal and shiny (A tool? Construction material? He genuinely couldn’t tell.) swish right past him, and land right on-

“Wow, sunlight, looping again?”

Isabeau found himself in an infinite void. Loop was there, squinting at him.

“Well … I guess it never stopped working.”

“Of course it didn’t. I still can’t believe you’d wish for something so stupid." If Loop had a nose, they would have been pinching its bridge at the moment. "But … I guess you can save stardust now? Interesting.”

“I did that before.”

“They could loop then, so even if they died, they’d just loop back. You didn’t have to see all … that. I told you that’s how it works. But now it’s different. There's no wish making them loop, it's just you.”

Loop crossed their arms and leaned forward.

“So what are you going to do, sunshine?”

“You say that as if there is more than one way to change this.”

“You’ve got a point,” they nodded. “You should probably wake up now.”

“Wake up?”

Loop's voice was fading into the distance. “You’re asleep, sunshine.”

Isabeau woke up.

He was in their bed and Siffrin was leaning over him, concerned.

“Isa … are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

He could say so.

Isa reached up to Sif’s face, cupping his cheeks in his hands. He had to make sure they were real. And alive, and well.

“I’m. I’m okay … I just had a weird dream.” A smile to make sure Siffrin wouldn’t worry. There was no point in Sif worrying about something like this.

“Okay,” he nodded.

“Do you wanna stop by the boulangerie on the way to the library? I heard they’ve got bread you’ll absolutely loaf.”

Siffrin laughed.

Isabeau could almost forget that mere minutes ago, he saw them lying dead on the pavement.

Chapter Text

A purchase of pain au chocolates later, they were on their way to the library again.

The boulangerie was on a street parallel to the one Sif had died on in the previous loop, and so the library was just ahead of them. Isabeau found himself anxiously looking around for any sources of danger.

“You look like you’re worried a boulder will fall on us if you don’t stop looking around,” Siffrin pointed out as they approached the steps leading up to the entrance to the library.

“Oh.” Isa scratched the back of his head. “It’s nothing, really.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely sure.”

“Hm.” Siffrin squinted, but didn’t press further.

He should probably relax or they will get worried. And Isa didn’t want Sif to worry.

They reached the entrance and Isa was just about to open the door for the two of them to enter, when the left wing of the door swung open, and missed hitting him just slightly.

It however did not miss Siffrin.

“Here again, sunshine, and so soon!”

He was in the endless void with Loop again.

“… he …”

“I know, stardust died, again. Honestly, I can’t tell if the Universe likes you enough to keep giving you more second chances, or hates you enough that you need them.”

Isabeau sighed. “We haven’t even gotten to the library yet, and they’ve died twice.”

“Surely the next loop will go better.” Loop didn’t sound very sure of their words.

“Surely,” Isabeau agreed, just as unsure. He let out a long sigh. Maybe once they were inside the library, Siffrin was going to be fine, and then the loops will stop.

For now, he decided not to think about it too much.

“By the way, how come we’re in a void and not … somewhere in Jouvente?”

Loop placed their index finger where their mouth would go if they had it, thinking quietly for a little bit. “No idea. I suppose it’s some sort of a deity or spirit realm thing. Or something. I’ve seen the Change God around I think. Either way,” Loop clasped their hands together and leaned the side of their face that would’ve been their cheek against the back of their left hand, their eyes closed in a way that indicated a wide smile, “you can talk to me while you’re asleep, and I’m here to be your guiding star!”

“And I appreciate that,” Isabeau smiled. “I’d rather not worry Sif with this whole ordeal, when they’ve already got so much on their plate right now.”

“Like dying?” One of Loop’s eyebrows darted up quizzically.

“That too. But I mean more like … he’s trying to learn more about your home, I’m sure he has a lot on his mind because of that.”

“Oh.” Loop looked to the side in something that Isa would have described as regret or sorrow.

“Ah, sorry for bringing this up-” he hurried to say.

Loop interrupted him, suddenly back to their cheerful expression. “No worries, sunshine, I’m just fine! You should probably return to stardust now.”

“Right. I should wake up.”

“By the way, I have a hint for you! You can loop back to any point you’ve been asleep at. That should be useful for something, right?”

Isabeu nodded. He didn't really think he should need it, but there was no way he'd just forget. “I’ll keep that in mind. Bye Loop!”

Isabeau woke up in their bed. Again. Sun was shining through the window, complete antithesis to how he was really feeling. And Siffrin was right there, alive and well, getting ready to go to the library. Again.

He should have been happy he wasn’t waking up to a Siffrin in middle of a full-blown panic attack. Or a Siffrin about to take his own life.

But just the thought of knowing that Sif could be dead at any moment, and the thought of looping again filled him with suffocating dread.

For a very brief moment, he thought about not leaving the bed at all for the day.

The thought left his mind as fast as it entered and he sprung out of bed as if he were afraid it would spontaneously combust if he stayed in it any longer.

He felt just fine!

“Morning, Isa,” Siffrin’s voice came from behind him, “you’re kind of jumpy today.”

“Haha,” was everything Isabeau could let out. He took a deep breath and made sure he was smiling before turning around to look at Sif. “Just realized you were all ready to go. Didn’t want to keep you waiting too long.”

“You know, I wouldn’t be mad if you wanted to stay in bed a little bit longer.”

“No it’s all good!” Isa waved his hands in front of him frantically. “Besides-” oh breakfast. What should he suggest for breakfast. He couldn’t just do the same thing as the previous loop. But he also needed to make sure they didn’t go down the wrong street and the easiest way to do that would be to do the detour to the boulangerie again. Choices. Choices. “Um. Pastries. Why don’t we get some pastries from the boulangerie on the way? I heard they’ve got bread you’ll absolutely loaf.”

Crab. He repeated the same pun again.

Siffrin didn’t notice, of course. They laughed as if he said the joke for the first time.

“You’re usually more decisive,” Siffrin pointed out, nibbling on the fresh pain au chocolate.

It took Isabeau a while to decide what he wanted, finally settling on a good old plain croissant.

“Ah, you know. They’ve had so many good things to choose from.”

Sif hummed in response. "And then you went with a crossiant," they commented dryly.

When they reached the stairs, Isa realised he should probably stand on Siffrin’s left so that he wouldn’t fall down the stairs again. He tried to be subtle, but his spouse obviously noticed.

“I can’t see you from that side.”

“Don’t worry, I’m right here.” He quickly reached for their hand. He could only hope that Siffrin wouldn’t-

“You’ve not done this a single time since I’ve lost my eye.”

… question it.

“Sorry. I’ll return to standing on your right as soon as we’re inside.”

“Wh-”

The door in front of them swung open, not hitting either of them this time. A person deeply focused on a book they’ve borrowed hurried outside. Isabeau couldn’t remember them from the previous loop. Probably because he was so focused on Siffrin dying all over again.

Isa caught the door and held it open for Sif, who raised their eyebrow at him, in a manner not unlike Loop’s.

Now that he started noticing little quirks in the star’s behaviour it was starting to become more and more obvious they were the same person. Change, was that weird.

Siffrin entered wordlessly and Isa followed.

He did it. They were in the library.

Chapter Text

Siffrin rushed ahead, and Isabeau couldn’t help but wonder if he’d upset him. It was fine, it was all fine. He was just going to apologize for the way he’s been acting later, when Siffrin was safe. Not that there was any way the books could be dangerous.

For now, he decided to trail after them, wondering if any books in Siffrin’s language were actually around. They were fairly rare in Dormont, weren’t they? So Isa was worried that Sif might not be able to find any and end up disappointed and heartbroken.

Siffrin stopped and if Isa wasn’t paying attention to him so intently, he would’ve walked into him too.

“Where do you think think they’d keep- …?”

“Maybe with the travel guides?” Isa suggested the first thing that’d come to mind. “Or maybe that’s too obvious.”

“Hm.” Siffrin’s left earring gently clinked as they looked in the various directions leading to different sections of the library. For the slightest briefest moment, Isa imagined they were in the House in Dormont. The messed up frozen in time one, with hallways leading where they shouldn’t, repeating over and over and over and over.

For that slightest briefest moment, Isa felt panic wiggle its way into his chest, as if they were about to fight a Sadness they were underqualified to face.

But no. They were in the library, and they’d defeated the King years ago so it was all fine. Maybe it was just the fact that Siffrin had been taking the lead again, like before Dormont, and before …

Beyond everything else, Isa wished that Siffrin wasn’t the one who had to go through it all. Especially not by themself.

“Travel guides it is,” Siffrin said after what felt like an eternity of silence.

The day at the library passed uneventfully. No matter how thoroughly they searched the shelves filled with travel guides to various places, there was none that Siffrin could recognize to be about his home.

The disappointment Isabeau was worried about found its way onto Siffrin’s face when Isa pointed out it was closing time and they should head home.

“I’m sorry we didn’t find anything,” Isabeau said, “Maybe we’ll find something tomorrow?”

His spouse let out a sigh.

“You have a bunch of sections to still look at, though. And if not, there’s also the House libraries.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Siffrin nodded.

That seemed to cheer them up a bit.

“Hey, what do you want to have for dinner?” Isabeau said once they were outside. It was already dark out, and it was getting quite chilly, but the sky was clear and the early stars bright against the lightless background. No wonder he was starving, they ate nothing all day!

“… What.”

Loop’s expression was completely blank.

Isabeau shrugged in response. “Horsekind came for revenge?” he offered an explanation.

He was starting to panic at this point, and if he didn’t joke just a little, he would probably lose it.

Loop involuntarily laughed, let out a cough and then pinched the top of their nose. Or the point of their face where they would have a nose if they had one.

“I think you can see why we stuck to the script now?”

Isabeau sighed. Right, figuring out new things to say in response to old things was a nightmare, and Siffrin probably noticed something was up.

“Anyway, I really don’t have anything to offer except to tell you to pay attention to our stardust. He’s attracting misfortune like a magnet these days.”

Yeah. What was that about? “Do you think it’s some sort of craft causing this?”

“I’m starting to think the two of you are just really unlucky.” Loop chuckled as if they’d just said something very funny, but their eyes were not smiling. They looked … sort of tired.

“I’ll figure this out, don’t you worry,” Isabeau gave Loop a big smile.

“Yeah, yeah. It’s time to wake up, sunshine.”

Isabeau woke up.

Another day in the time loop. What joy.

He usually didn’t feel that bitter. Or that drained of energy.

His body felt heavy, as if his bones were filled with lead, and his mind was … blank. Was he getting sick from all that looping? He felt sick.

Keep it together, Isa! Siffrin needs you.

Alright, stay positive. He made sure to put on a smile before sitting up and turning towards Siffrin, who was just pulling their cape over their head.

“Morning Sif.”

“Morning Isa.” Siffrin didn’t seem to notice his fake smile. Good.

His whole being screamed at him as he forced himself to speak. The decision he was about to make physically hurt despite not actually hurting him. He was about to go against his most deep rooted values. Against Change itself.

“Do you want to stop by the boulangerie on our way to the library? I heard they have bread you’ll absolutely loaf.”

Cue laughter.

Pain au chocolates.

Walk on Siffrin’s left so he doesn’t get flung down the stairs.

The library.

“Where do you think they’d keep the ...?”

“With nonfiction maybe?”

They were in new territory now, and Isabeau felt himself relax as he followed his spouse towards the area they haven’t explored before.

Time passed, but they found nothing.

They walked down the street, both of them feeling disheartened about lack of progress they made during the day. It was quite dark outside again, and Isa could hear the horse pass the street he decided to avoid.

“I’m sorry we didn’t find anything,” he said.

Siffrin let out a long sigh.

“There’s three other libraries to look through if we find nothing here.”

“… I guess you’re right.”

Isa hated seeing him so down. He needed to cheer them up as soon as possible.

“Anyway! What should we have for dinner?”

“I don’t know but-”

Isabeau found himself face to face with Loop again.

“What did I say about-”

“I was paying attention!” Isa snapped back. He was starting to think there was no way to figure out a way out of this situation. He had to keep trying for Siffrin, of course, but the thought of having to see them die over and over again to get to the goal was filling him with dread and fear and anger.

“Calm down, sunshine. I know this feels awful but-”

“But …?”

“That’s why I’m here. Your friendly and helpful acquaintance Loop!”

Isabeau took a deep breath. “Right, snapping at you won’t help things. Sorry Loop.”

A moment of silence passed.

“I feel like these loops are driving me insane. You wouldn’t happen to have any tips or tricks to stay grounded?”

Loop laughed. “Wow, you’re funny sunshine! Do you think a sane person would-” they gesturedtowards themself.

“Well, you’re my guiding star, right? I thought it’d be worth asking.”

“Don’t bother.”

Say hi to Loop.

Say hi to Loop.

Say hi to Loop.

Say hi to Loop.

Say hi to Loop.

He was so tired. And then-

“I think I found something!”

Isabeau felt like thw lights in the library got just a little brighter. Was this it? The end of looping? The weight on his shoulders lifted, and if he wasn’t trying to appear as if the day was passing normally for him, he would have broken down into a fit of crying.

Instead he simply said. “Finally! I was starting to get worried we’ll find nothing.”

Siffrin rushed to the desk standing by the shelf and slammed the book down. His excitement was infectious.

Isa, giddy with the thought he was breaking out of the time loop, joined his spouse, sitting down next to them. He was still standing, leaning over the table, his eyes hastily reading through the table of content.

“What is it?” he asked. He wanted to know if all the death and injuries were worth it.

“It’s … it’s a memoir about the author’s life on the island. I think.” Siffrin responded. Their voice was shaky with nervousness.

“Ooh, tell me more!” He leaned his elbows onto the table, leaning his chin on the back of his hands, which he liked together.

“Alright, let’s see.”

Siffrin started reading. The first couple of paragraphs were about the author’s family and everything went smoothly until-

“I think we’re at the point where they start describing the city they grew up in. But-” Sif tightly shut their eyes and then opened them. “It’s … getting really hard to read.”

“Don’t push yourself,” Isabeau gently said, placing one hand on his shoulder.

“No. It’s fine. Just-” As Siffrin continued to read, Isa noticed how they started squinting, straining against whatever force was preventing them from remembering the country.

And he was starting to feel it too. A throbbing pain right at the back of his mind, as if someone was gently hammering nails into his skull.

Chapter Text

He was back in the void, and Loop was staring at him quizzically.

He could still feel the remains of the headache, and he realized he was shaking.

“Rejoyce! You found the book!” they exclaimed, their voice dry and joyless, dripping with cynicism.

“Yeah,” he heard himself say. “We did.”

A moment of silence.

“… you don’t think that there’s seats in this void, are there? … I … I think I need to sit down.”

Loop shrugged. “You know, you could always sit on the floor, sunshine.”

Their voice sounded strange. Flat. Almost contemplative.

“Right. The floor.”

Isabeau sat down, his legs crossed. Firstly, he had to calm down. Talking could come later.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breath in.

Breath out.

Just like Siffrin always does it.

While Isa was busy with the breathing exercise, Loop sat down as well, mirroring his pose, and patiently waited.

When he calmed down, he let the silence linger on.

Loop was the one to finally break it. “Well, what’re your plans now, sunshine? Will you keep trying to run through the wall head-first like this until the heat death of the universe?”

“I can’t let him go to the library, can I?”

“Why do you think so?”

“The book. Something’s wrong with the book, right?”

“Oh.” Loop seemed to consider it for a little while. “Yes, those accidents seem to be be linked to the library, aren’t they? It could be Wish Craft-”

Isabeau realized he’d pinched the bridge of his nose. “Can you stop flip-flopping between “oh yeah it’s just a coincidence” and “Wish Craft did it”? You’ve changed your theory every loop so far.” Did they? It felt right to say that, but everything’s been blending together and thinking about all the loops separately was making his head hurt.

“I know, I know. Honestly I’ve got no idea, but those are my two theories!” They clapped their hands together and cocked their head to the side. “Don’t you have any theories of your own?”

“I mean …” Isa scratched his chin. “I guess … the book’s at fault, right? But it’s specifically naming the city’s name that started the headache and the-”

The visceral blood shade.

God, it made Isabeau feel sick to think about.

He was almost glad that … Siffrin’s blood back then was the normal shade. That his own blood back then was the normal shade. That the river Siffrin had drowned in at least twice was the normal shade. Crab. He should really stop thinking about it.

It never happened anyway.

And these freak accident deaths never happened either.

So he shouldn’t care as much.

It wasn’t like Siffrin remembered anyway, so it wasn't real.

And if it wasn't real, it didn't matter.

Right?

“Right,” Loop nodded.

Isabeau startled, thinking for a moment that the star had somehow read his mind.

They continued. “So if the book’s at fault, the solution would be-”

Oh right. Loop was responding to what he’d actually said out loud.

“If we don’t go to the library, the accidents will stop, right?”

“I guess you could try?”

“But I can’t say that to Sif directly. Imagine coming up to him and going “Hey Sif this thing you care about very badly right now is actually deadly to you and you should stop”.”

“I mean, I could. And you could try too, stardust would probably listen to you before they ever listened to me.”

“I guess …” Isabeau sighed. “Yeah. But it’s something he was really working up the courage to research, so I can’t take that away from them.”

Loop narrowed their eyes but didn’t comment. “Well, I can’t stop you from doing things your own way. You’ll probably stumble into a solution somehow. Even if you’re a stupid idiot about it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?"

“Stars, you can be so stupid for someone so smart, sunshine."

“Again, what’s that supposed to mean?”

Loop pinched the area of their face that would have been the bridge of their nose in a more fortunate situation.

“Look, just … don’t make this unnecessarily hard on yourself. I know they wouldn’t want that for you. Because I don’t want that for you.”

“Don’t worry Loop. I’ll figure it out before you can say ‘time loop’.”

“Time loop.”

Isabeau snorted. “Okay. Okay. Maybe it’ll take a little longer. But I’ll definitely make sure st- Sif stays safe and the loops end soon enough.”

“Well, good luck with that, sunshine!”

This time, Isabeau woke up the night before. He didn’t think he’d ever need to do that, but maybe there was something he could use it for.

“Isa … hey, Isa?” Siffrin’s voice reached his ears before he opened his eyes. Their hand on his shoulder, warm against his skin.

He realized it’s been at least half a dozen loops since he’s last had physical contact with his spouse.

Change.

He missed his touch.

Isa opened his eyes, seeing Sif kneeling on the bench next to him. For a single, briefest moment, they looked like a star.

Isabeau blinked the vision away.

“… Are … are you alright?” he asked, “… you look exhausted.”

… he was.

He felt sick, and tired, and like he couldn’t move a limb if he tried.

“I guess … I feel a little overworked.” That wasn’t a lie. But he was definitely underselling how terrible everything felt. How much he didn’t have the will to … do anything.

“I told you you should rest more.”

Oh. Sif cupped his face in his hands. … Their … gloveless hands. Change. He … could barely remember the last time he’d had any skin-to-skin contact.

A frown of deep concern shaped itself on stardust’s face. Siffrin’s face. Their name is Siffrin. Sif. Siffarooni.

“You’re crying.”

He was.

“Do you want a hug?”

Isabeau nodded.

Hands around his waist. Siffrin’s head resting in the nook of his neck. Their hair tickling his chin and his jaw. His breath on his neck.

He leaned onto Sif. His hands felt too heavy to return the hug at all.

It could have been either seconds or centuries before they broke the silence. Isabeau couldn’t tell.

“Hey Isa,” Sif spoke, “I was thinking of going to the library tomorrow. Do you want to come with me?”

Isabeau didn’t respond. He knew what he needed to respond with, and it made his stomach and his heart ache.

“I … wanted to try and learn more about my home.” Siffrin hurried with an explanation when Isa didn’t respond. “I guess … I am a little scared.”

Isa tensed.

Then swallowed.

Then …

“No.” Why did he sound so firm? Cold? Detached? The pain within him grew, overtaking his whole body.

Siffrin peeled himself away from Isabeau’s body. The way they looked at him … hurt so so so so badly.

The upset and confusion mixed themselves on his face as he echoed: “… No?”

Isabeu shook his head. He didn’t want to repeat it. He didn’t even want to say it in the first place. But it was for Siffrin’s good. Right?

“Right.”

Before Isabeau could say anything, stardust got up and rushed out of the room.

“Wow. Bravo. What a smooth talker.” Loop slowly clapped. They looked like they were considering stabbing him. With what, Isabeau couldn’t tell. But they were thinking about it for sure.

“I know, I know, I messed up. You don’t have to rub it in, Loop.”

“He’s definitely not going to notice something’s up now.” More sarcasm.

Before Loop could go on a long rant about Isabeau’s stupidity, he interrupted them. “Wait, did I loop just now? I thought-”

“No, you’re just asleep. You can talk to me when you’re asleep, I think. Makes sense, right?”

Isa shrugged. “I guess?”

Loop rolled their eyes. “Anyway, you can probably guess how this looks from stardust’s point of view, can’t you?”

“Uh …”

“Alright, let me spell it out for you.”

They really didn’t have to. But Isabeau guessed he couldn’t avoid the rant that was coming after all.

“You’ve just denied them your support, like a blinding idiot! He probably thinks that you’re being an asshole on purpose. I mean you are. But like, for different reasons. Like you don’t want them to learn about their- our home. Or, or, or-” If Loop had hair, they would be pulling at it at the moment. Instead, their hands uselessly grabbed at their spikes.

For a brief moment, he was looking at stardust instead of the star.

Crab, Isabeau. Not only are you sick, you’re going insane, too.

“Did … did I upset you?”

“Whatever makes you think that, sunshine?” Loop flatly responded, glaring daggers at him.

If Siffrin felt so strongly about this … Isabeau had no idea what he was going to do in the morning when he woke up.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Loop asked with a raised eyebrow.

“A-am I looking at you in some sort of way?” His hands involuntarily darted up against his chest into a defensive position.

“Yeah. Weird. Sunshine, you’re looking at me weird.”

“Hahah, well, I- I didn’t mean to. Obviously.” Isabeau rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. “I’m just … thinking about stuff.”

“Right. Of course you are.”

“Aaanyway, I think I’m going to-” He didn't need to listen to Loop lecturing him as if he didn't know he messed up already.

Before he could finish the sentence, Loop bridged the gap between the two and pulled him to their eye level by his collar. Huh. He was physically there, then? Alright.

Somehow, despite the fact Loop had been glowing, their scowl made shade fall over their eyes.

“Listen here, sunshine. I’m not going to stop you from solving this on your own if you really want that, but! Don’t … ruin your relationship over this. Stardust … I can’t believe I’m saying that. I’m just thinking. That could have been me in their place. And I’d hate for someone … that … that I …”

“… Take your time.”

They averted their gaze, but their frown stayed unwavering. They let go of his collar and Isa stumbled backwards. “Forget it. What I want to say is that they don’t deserve this. You’re the most important person in his life, so don’t fucking push him away.”

“Right.”

The unresolved tension still lingered in Isabeau’s chest when he woke up. Stardust was already getting dressed to go to the library, like always. Siffrin. Siffrin. Siffrin was getting dressed up.

“Morning Sif.”

They froze mid-movement.

Right. It was time to apologize, if he wanted to stay in Loop’s good graces. And … he had to remember he was supposed to love Sif. He did. He did. He’s always loved him. Of course he did. And he knew he hurt them and it hurt that he hurt them.

He just felt so numb these days. It was hard to remember.

“Morning, Isa.” Sif didn’t turn to look at him. In fact, it looked like they were avoding looking at him.

“Hey um … about last night?”

“What about it?” Yeah, he definitely sounded upset.

“Listen … Um. I’m just. Sorry. I … guess it’s just that I’m so tired lately, and I shouldn’t have been so blunt and I- I know it’s not an excuse … Change. I … I’ve got no idea why I said I don’t want to … like that. Um … yeah. … I’m sorry. I … I promise it’s not that I don’t want to come with you … it’s just that I’m. I’m y’know. Not feeling very well. And I’m … really worried that you won’t find what you’re looking for. And. I … I don’t want to see you … heartbroken because of that. But … I do want to be there for you. Yeah … I’m … sorry. I know this means a lot to you.”

Siffrin’s hands fell to their body and they turned around to look at Isabeau.

“It’s … okay. Don’t worry about it.” After being together for so long, Isa could notice a fake smile when Sif put one on. They continued more gently. “You do look tired … you could probably use some rest.”

He walked over to the bed and sat down, then scooted over to Isa. They looked at him with a mix of curiosity and worry that Isabeau couldn’t notice from across the room before.

“You’re … looking at me weird,” he pointed out. They were gentle. Too gentle, even.

“Uh … a-am I?” Maybe he was. Somehow, the suggestion that he could use some rest confused him. Rest? When Siffrin was in constant danger for reasons beyond his understanding? He could never.

Could they smell the scent of time loops on him? Was it visible on his face?

He was … so tired.

“Nah, I’m just messing with you.” He stuck out his tongue, breaking the serious moment for a moment. They let out a sigh and leaned their forehead on his shoulder. “If there’s anything wrong … please tell me.”

“Okay.”

Hey Sif, so this thing you really really really want? Connection to your own home that got severed? Yeah, that. It’s going to kill you. It’s killing you over and over and over and over again and I’ve seen you die too many times to count.

No. He was not doing that. He couldn’t do that to him, when he knew stardust was yearning for the smallest threads of memory to cling to. Siffrin.

Siffrin was.

They took his hand between their own, intertwining their fingers with his.

“It’s fine if you’d prefer to rest today,” they stated after a moment of silence. “I’m not going to be mad if you don’t go to the library with me.”

“No … no. I want to. Hey, we could stop by the boulangerie while we’re at it!” Words, practiced to perfection slipped his tongue, “I heard they’ve got bread you’ll absolutely loaf!”

Of course, stardust laughed.

Chapter Text

“Where do you think they’d keep- …?”

They were back at the library, and Isabeau was starting to realize he didn’t want to be back there. The shelves felt too tall, the stairs to the second floor stretched out too long. The space was both too dark and too bright at the same time. For the briefest moment, a memory of the Dormont House, the wrong one, flashed in front of his eyes. But he had to be there, to protect Siffrin.

“Over there, I think.” He pointed in the direction of the section furthest away from any of the dangers. The first one they’ve visited, in fact.

Did he respond too fast? He felt like he responded too fast. But star- Siffrin didn’t seem to notice, or at least they pretended that they didn’t.

“Um … That’s my best guess, at least,” Isa awkwardly chuckled, “It’s where the travel guides are.”

“Travel guides it is,” stardust said and started heading off in that direction.

A great idea popped into Isabeau’s head at that moment. “Hey, st- Sif, I’ll go and look at the other end. We’ll cover more library that way.”

Crab. Crab crab crab crab crab. He almost slipped up. Did Siffrin notice?

“Thanks Isa,” he responded with a thumbs-up. And the most genuine grateful smile. CRAB. He didn’t deserve that smile. He didn’t deserve it. He was a liar and a coward. And stardust was thanking him, as if he was doing anything but avoiding talking about the big issue.

But he couldn’t.

He couldn’t look Siffrin in their eye and tell them about the loops. It would … crush him. And Isabeau couldn’t let that happen.

“Of course, Sif!”

Maybe he rushed off too fast, but he had to get to the book and hide it before Siffrin had the chance to look at it.

The book.

The book.

The- Isabeau grabbed it from the shelf, and hid it inside his wide sleeves. Stardust couldn’t get to the book if Isa had it.

He let out a deep sigh and crashed onto a nearby chair.

Isabeau didn’t fall asleep, but he definitely felt like he wasn’t awake. His vision blurred, and he could sense pins and needles all over his skin.

He remembered the day of their bonding ceremony, before he made the wish. Before any of his loops ever happened. Before he made that stupid crabbing wish that has been keeping him in the time loops now.

… Stardust said he didn’t feel like he belonged in his skin back then.

Isabeau understood now.

He didn’t feel like he’d belonged in his own skin right now either. It felt too tight on him, as if his whole body was swelling. His skin hurt, and a prickling sensation crawled across his fingers.

A gentle touch shook him out of his thoughts, and he’d almost dropped the book he was still hiding in his sleeves.

“Oh.” Stardust retreated their hand. “Um … sorry, Isa. You wouldn’t respond when I called you and-”

Isabeau could swear he could see a shade of worry on stardust’s- SIFFRIN’S face, that went beyond the current situation. Could they tell? Or was SIFFRIN thinking of something else?

“You look exhausted,” he said, taking a seat next to Isa. “You shouldn’t have forced yourself to come here.” Gentle. Too gentle. They’re being too gentle.

He can tell. He can tell. He can TELL. HE CAN TE-

“Did you find anything?” Isa asked, trying to change the topic.

SIFFRIN shook their head. “Nothing. You?”

Isa gripped the book in his hands harder. “No. Maybe we should try looking in one of the Houses tomorrow instead?”

Maybe the Houses were fine. Maybe there weren’t any books on st-SIFFRIN’s country, and SIFFRIN was going to be fine and then the time loops will end. And he won’t need to tell SIFFRIN any of this ever happened.

It wasn’t real anyway.

Nobody else knew about his loops.

Except for Loop. But Loop was different.

They were outside of everything, so they didn’t count. Not really.

So what happened did NOT matter.

“Maybe we’ll find something there more easily,” SIFFRIN agreed.

A moment of silence.

“Let’s go home, you look like you need rest.”

“Sorry,” Isa awkwardly chuckled, “I’m just holding you back, aren’t I?”

SIFFRIN gave him a long stare.

“Don’t say stuff like that.” They sounded upset. A weird feeling somewhere between panic, fear and worry wiggled its way into Isa’s chest, but he didn’t have the will or energy to react. “The library’s not going anywhere.”

That. That was the crabbing problem, wasn’t it. It was the same place every day. It was the SAME DAY EVERY DAY. Nothing was changing, no matter what he did. And trying to change himself just made SIFFRIN NOTICE SOMETHING WAS UP.

THE LACK OF CHANGE WAS KILLING HIM FROM THE INSIDE OUT.

For a very brief moment, his torso felt like it got opened up by a knife. Blood was spilling everywhere, staining the ground and his clothes and st-SIFFRIN’s clothes. Blood, the shade of which was stained by the memory of-

And as soon as it appeared, it also disappeared.

“Right. Sorry, I’m just … tired.” That wasn’t a lie.

Isabeau almost couldn’t believe that the two of them actually made it home without dying. He almost wanted to cry from relief, but instead, he simply picked up the mail that was waiting on them by the door, right where it fell through the mail flap.

“Anything important?” SIFFRIN asked, glancing towards the papers in Isa’s hands.

“Just ads,” Isabeau responded before he noticed a letter between the heap of flyers. “Oh, hold on, there’s a letter for us.”

“Oh?” stardust walked over and looked at the letter curiously.

It felt like so long since he’d last seen that handwriting and it took him a moment to remember the name of the sender. “I think it’s from madame Odile. Do you wanna read it? I um … need to go to the bathroom real quick.”

SIFFRIN hummed in confirmation and Isabeau handed them the letter before rushing upstairs.

… He never put the book he hid in his sleeves back on a shelf.

He tossed it under the bed like it was a bomb, then froze, staring at the gap where it fell.

For the first time in what must have been a month now, he realized he felt lost. What was his goal now? They got to the library. They found the book (he hid the book from SIFFRIN!). They got home. Was the loop over? Was it over now? (After lying to SIFFRIN? Hiding things from SIFFRIN? UPSETTING SIFFRIN?)

A feeling he couldn’t put a name on wriggled its way into his chest.

Empty.

Panicked.

Disgust …?

For a moment, he considered digging into his chest with his bare fingers just to get rid of it.

Maybe if he really went to the bathroom, he could wash off that feeling. It was settling in that he’d neglected himself for over a month now. Maybe that was it. He just felt gross because of looping.

He washed his hands. And face. And even brushed his teeth.

And yet.

And yet.

And yet the feeling persisted.

He couldn’t recognize himself.

Not because he’d changed.

But because he’d failed to.

Coward.

Coward.

Coward.

COWARD.

COWARD!!!!!

“Isa?”

Isabeau jumped, startled by stardust’s voice.

“… Sorry.”

“No. No it’s fine. I just didn’t expect-”

They tilted their head, quietly studying Isabeau’s face for what felt like a century. “You’re being so jumpy lately. You’ve not-” Stardust’s gaze redirected itself to his own left shoulder, then back up at Isa.

They took a deep breath before continuing. “Nevermind. I can tell you’re not feeling well.”

Isabeau awkwardly chuckled. “I guess I’m a bit more overworked than I thought.”

“That’s an understatement,” SIFFRIN stuck out their tongue at him, “You look like you’ve not been taking breaks for a month.”

Oh. He could tell for sure.

“Which is weird, because I could swear you’ve been taking breaks.”

“Ah! Haha, I guess it’s just the routine getting to me-” That wasn’t a lie. What else was a time loop but a mortifying, numbing routine.

But it was over now, wasn’t it?

WASN’T IT?

“Yeah, I guess so. Odile’s coming by tomorrow evening,” stardust waved the letter they must have read earlier in front of Isabeau’s face, “so that might help you a bit. She was in Bambouche last week and Nille and Bonnie are tagging along, too.”

Isa could feel a relieved smile find its way onto his face. So that was it, wasn’t it? Maybe it was really over. Odile and Bonbon and Roni were all stopping by, so maybe the time was allowed to flow again.

He noticed that SIFFRIN was studying his face again.

“Hm?”

“Maybe you should go to bed early,” they suggested, their head once again tilted in thought.

“But what about-?”

“We can have dinner in bed,” stardust suggested. “I just think you really need a good rest.”

“Right.”

His muscles relaxed as soon as he sunk into the pillows and blankets. Maybe that really was it and he could finally rest now.

Eventually, SIFFRIN entered the room with a tray of something that was still steaming hot. He walked over to his side of the bed and set the tray in Isabeau’s lap, then placed a brief kiss on his temple.

Looking down at the tray, Isabeau noticed a bowl of porridge, and another, smaller bowl filled up to the brim with neatly cut pieces of various fruits.

“I thought I’d make something light,” they said with an apologetic shrug, as if it wasn’t a perfect dinner.

“Thanks, s- Siffrin.” He almost slipped again. Crab. “… I think this will be one … fruitful rest.”

His spouse let out a snort that dissolved into a giggle. His eye was twinkling like a single bright star in the sky, and Isabeau felt relief wash over him when he realized that awakened butterflies in his stomach. He didn’t know what he would’ve done with himself if he felt nothing when the fella he fell in love with was being so handsomepretty.

Even after their laugh settled down, a bright and joyful smile still rested on their face. Warmth spread itself throughout Isabeau’s chest, just thinking about it. He could almost forget what a month this past day was.

Stardust walked around the bed and sat down, then scooted over so they could snuggle up to Isa, who decided to start and nibble on an apple slice. Somehow, it felt like it was the sweetest thing he’d ever tasted.

He didn’t realize that stardust was studying him until he was halfway-done with the bowl of porridge and realized that they didn’t have their own bowl. He froze mid-carrying a spoonful of porridge to his mouth and turned towards his spouse.

“Have you eaten?”

He nodded in response. “Finished what was in the pot while waiting for yours to cool down. And I stole some fruit-”

“You thief!” Isabeau exclaimed.

Stardust pointed their tongue at him, a playful smile resting on their face.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” they quietly said after a brief moment of silence.

“I think the food and rest are helping,” Isa responded truthfully. “I’m sure I’ll feel much better tomorrow.”

SIFFRIN hummed in response, then snuggled closer to him.