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He said I was a kind kid.
One who made friends with everyone.
A talent. That I had something special in my blood. Something bright and expensive like gold. Something everyone wanted.
Who enchanted everyone I talked to and urged them to speak to me and be close to me.
He said I had the purest heart he’s ever seen.
I didn’t understand.
I was eight when I was adopted by Shanks.
He called this talent of mine a double edged sword.
Something someone could take advantage of. A curse of some sort. That I was just too naive for my own good.
He taught me to not be so trusting of people. To understand that there are some real evil monsters out in the world to be cautious of.
He taught me to not trust my brain. To not listen to it. To not follow what I feel.
However, this talent of mine never worked on him. Ever.
No matter what I did, I would get no reaction from him.
“Baby” was what he would call me and yet he could never actually look at me for more than just a few seconds. He couldn't stand being close to me, shoulder to shoulder, thigh to thigh…we couldn't even sit next to each other on a table or a sofa…he would immediately stand and move to another chair or leave the living room.
At some point, I thought he hated me.
But I understand now.
I understand everything.
He was never the type to go and look for people, let alone long term relationships.
He intimated everyone around him with his face, his height, his build and his voice.
I would see him talk with other women. Mature, beautiful and tall women and yet he looked and talked to them normally.
When he looked at me….he had this almost scared stare on his face. As if I was something he had to be cautious of. Something that would bring him trouble if he got any closer.
I have never seen him have a speck of fear in his eyes whenever he looked at those women.
Once, I asked why.
Why did he always avoid me? Why wouldn’t he look at me?
We still did “father-son” stuff together like going to the city and the beach occasionally. But no hugs and kisses. I could tell he resisted from doing such. At most, he would pat my head and give me this faint but guilty smile and go out for a smoke or shut himself inside the bathroom or his room.
He brushed it off at first, but as I persisted, I started crying out of frustration. That moment was when I thought he hated me.
And that was also the first time I saw him feel and express something other than his “strong father leader” persona he put up.
He hugged me. For the first since I got adopted years ago. He held me tight. I could barely breathe but I didn’t care. It was the warmest embrace I have ever felt. And I just felt so happy.
He combed my hair with his hands, soothing me by slowly rubbing his hand along my back up and down. Giving me kisses on top of my head. He shushed me, trying to calm me down…
Once my sobbing reduced to just snuffles he responded with:
“Baby, you have to understand. You’re...something that people consume once and get addicted to. You hold so much power over others and you don’t even realize it.
I'm doing this for your own good. I’ve never, in my entire life, hated you. I can promise you, I love you more than anything. That’s why I took you with me. You hypnotized me…from the moment I saw you…I knew I had to have you, right here, by my side.”
I told him I never wanted to bring him trouble. That that was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to be just like him. I want to love him the way I now know he wanted me to back then.
Shanks, I'm gonna dedicate this whole letter, my whole life to you.
You told me to get my way and that is exactly what I'm gonna do.
I’ll strike out at anyone who ever made you feel guilty or made you unable to show your love to me--no matter what kind of love it was…father, lover, family, it doesn’t matter.
I don’t care if you were that said monster you wanted me to get away from. I want you to love me.
I just can’t help myself, my mind, my thoughts. I can't do right from wrong, you know that already.
You’re gonna love me.
I’ll make you love me.
— L