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“Time goes on, and I, alone, stand in the middle of it all.”
Ivan has gone from his quote since he first gained consciousness of the world around him. He’s always been, or at least felt, alone. No one in his reach, no one in his radar, no one in his space. Just barely out of his reach. Occasionally, he’d ride the tides of time and step off that plane of loneliness for a while. But, the second he would look back, he’d find himself back on that plane once more.
Sometimes, he would step off that plane and enter something else. It feels like a fuzzy, sweet world where no bad parts of the real world exist. An addicting, sugar-rush fever dream. The way he could enter that world was when he’d focus on one person.
That person was Till.
On some days, it would feel like his days were full of that man. His spiky, light sage green hair, and his mint eyes would pierce through his faint memory. His fiery energy, his sensitivity to the world around him, the biggest reactions to the tiniest things of them all… it all was so adorable to him.
Of course, he’d never be able to admit all of that to him. All he could do now was just watch from afar. Watch him air-playing his guitar, the low hum of his voice, his big eyes focused on his music, ironic to his obvious eyebags...
And now, on stage with the man he’s loved from afar, he’s in his reach. Just a few feet aside, the man he’d helplessly falled for stands. Not as strong as he usually is, he thinks. The black on him and those simple yet glittering mini chains compliment his aesthetic so well, another bit of him observes.
This won’t do, his heart whispers.
When he fell back into that abyss of isolation, he thought of something. Something so tragic, yet beautiful. Something so pure, yet splattered with his red.
‘I’d die for that man, wouldn’t I?’
On a starry night, his fingers outlined the stars as his vision blurred.
‘I would. If I were to die a million times, I would. If it meant that I were to be waiting for years for him to join me, I would. I wanted to run away with him. I’d do anything to run away with him once more.’
Those thoughts retraced his mind again, and again, and again. He determined that he should put an end to those thoughts.
So, Ivan wore his blinding white suit on stage. His void-like eyes consumed the aliens’ gaze. And when Till didn’t sing his part, he took his chance. He yearned to stare into his lover’s gaze one last time. He longed to touch his hair again. One last caress of his cheek, and he’d be gone. Not the sweet, cuddly world he imagined to be in. Not that it mattered.
He pushed the mic, stormed over, and kissed that man like there was no tomorrow, because there really was no tomorrow for the two of them. He got to stare into his eyes one last time. He got to grip his hair again. He was able to caress the soft skin of Till’s cheek; all before his world went black.
Ivan smiled as he collapsed. Not because the plane of loneliness wouldn’t be able to catch him anymore, or because he wouldn’t have to feel so desperate for anyone’s touch. He smiled because he got to do what he wanted. The very moment before he died, he was in reach of Till. He was touching Till. There was no plane of loneliness, instead two entirely new planes: one called “completion”. Completion because he completed his final objective. The black that surrounded him at the end, was “awakening”. Awakening because that would be the last time he would be conscious.
In the end, his lifeless body was the remainder of the quote he went by from the beginning.
“Time goes on, and I, alone, stand in the middle of it all.”