Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Snow kept falling from the sky in white flakes, covering the ground.

Neil was the first to rush out of the supermarket, wrapping himself in a light, weather-appropriate jacket and looking around the parking lot.

"Wow, it got so covered while we were inside! It is so beautiful!"

Neil puts out his hands, palms up, catching the largest snowflakes in the light of the lantern. Andrew just shrugged indifferently as he climbed into the car and hastily turned on the heating.
Neil tremblingly jumped after him onto the seat next to him.

"It’s beautiful, but it’s so cold! I can't feel my fingers! And you had to get this ice cream in the middle of the night!"

"One more word and I’ll throw you out of the car!"

Contrary to his own words, Andrew gently takes Neil's hands in his, blowing on his frozen fingers and warming them up.

"Try! I'll drag you along with me!"

Andrew playfully bites his pinky and Neil screams laughing and pressing his already warm hands to himself.

"Buckle up, bunny."

After a terrible accident that took the life of him and his brother's negligent mother while he sat next to her. Andrew doesn't allow anyone to ride in his car without a seat belt. It wasn't that he and Aaron were really upset about this loss, but the accident itself caused Andrew great trauma. Neil obediently buckles himself in and reaches for the radio.

"I'll turn on..?"

Andrew gently grabs his hand, squeezing his fingers around the wedding ring.

"No, we won't listen to your sports reports in this car."

"That’s not what I wanted at all."

Andrew raises an eyebrow questioningly as he drives out of the supermarket parking lot. They had to drive several blocks before to find his favorite ice cream flavor. He thought that Haagen Dazs' salted caramel is everywhere.

They stop at a traffic light and Andrew sighs, looking up at the sky and looking at his husband. Neil looks out the window enthusiastically, pressing his cheek to the glass. Yeah he was right, it’s beautiful. Neil, as if sensing the gaze, turns around with a smile, playfully looking at his husband.

Andrew reaches out to straighten a loose strand of his bright red hair. And he gently tucks it behind his ear, listening carefully.

"You know, Nicky told me something."

Andrew moans, nothing good can be expected from Nicky

"And what is it?"

"It's just a theory but...If you do this in a car, you are guaranteed to get preggers."

Andrew, calmed by the quiet night and his favorite ice cream in the trunk, laughs openly and loudly, throwing his head up. Neal smiles widely in response. It's not often that he manages to make Andrew not just smile or grin wryly, but actually laugh. Neil remembers this moment filled with happiness.

"What ? I didn't know you still had secrets from me, bunny ?"

Neil unbuckles his belt and leans towards him. Playfully wiggling his eyebrows with a clear hint

"There’s still a little more, I can’t let you get bored with me and find someone else."

"175% and fasten your seat belt back."

"Hmm?"

"Neil, fasten your seat belt."

Andrew has a theory, too. His theory is about moments. Moments of impact.

Night turn out to the bright day in the headlights of a van approaching unnoticed from behind.

It's funny how Andrew, with his eidetic memory, couldn't remember anything but fragments that changed his life forever.

It’s like new bought Nicky's old fashion camera that he was poked into their faces, with flashes last capturing every moment.

Flash.

An abrupt push from behind knocks all the air out of his lungs.

Flash.

Andrew hears rather than sees the broken glass falling out of the window frames and along with snow showering his face.

Flash.

He sees their car being thrown into the oncoming lane of the road and only manages to turn around at Neil, trying to grab him by the jacket and hold him in the seat.

Flash.

Wet from blood or snow hands don’t obey him and with growing horror Andrew sees Neil breaking the windshield with his head and flying out of the car.

Flash.

Already losing consciousness and falling into the darkness, Andrew thinks absurdly about his favorite flavor of ice cream and the secretly bought raspberry sorbet for Neil in their trunk.

Andrew's theory is that these moments of impact, these flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down, actually end up defining who we are.

Chapter Text

4 years ago

One of Andrew's absolute favorite moments.

Andrew is standing in line boredly when he notices a seemingly unremarkable guy at the cash register. Running his gaze over the short figure, Andrew’s gaze rests with interest on the broad shoulders, clearly visible even in a terribly bright orange sweatshirt. What an awful choice for someone with such stunning hair color. Red and orange, this guy is a real fashion disaster.

Andrew winces and adjusts the already immaculate collar of his own black shirt. Later he will tell Allison about this and they will laugh together about...

"Next!"

The guy steps aside, turning to him and without stopping, heads towards the exit.

Andrew manages to notice the incredible shade of blue eyes. He tastes the words trying to find the color. Blue, no, too boring. Azure, not suitable. Maybe slate... although no, arctic. Defenetly. Having opted for arctic blue, Andrew peers at the retreating figure.

The guy is in such a hurry that it seems like he’s being chased. He remembers his eyes again, not the color, but the look. He was scared. Andrew knows for sure, he has seen this look in the mirror more than once.

As if feeling that he was looking at , he turns around and notices him. Apparently reassured by what he discovered, he runs away like a hare, no, a bunny.

Neil walks up to the car, still disturbed by how the strange guy in line was staring at him. Diligently shaking off his anxiety and trying to calm down, Neil exhales, as the therapist taught him. Kevin will definitely laugh at his paranoia later.

He reaches into his pocket for the key and stumbles upon emptiness. Feverishly remembers where he could have put it, he realizes that he could have left it at the cash register

"Damn...damn"

He didn't want to go back there. How could he screw this up like that?

"Crap!"

"Hey, bunny."

Neil quickly turns around and stumbles backwards, crashing into thr car.

Hazel familiar eyes mockingly look at him just a couple of meters away. The guy from the line.

Neil glances at him again, trying to structure his thoughts. Black shirt and jeans, the same color shoes. Beautif hazel eye color. Platinum blonde hair. And a mocking grin.

His therapist keeps saying "don't be afraid to look fear in the eye Neil, it can't do anything to you" as if he knows what he's been through. Although in general he knows, Neil is not so much an idiot, he understood how therapy works already from the 6th meeting. But there is one right thing about this guy, he can't do anything to him. Not here, not in a parking lot in the middle of the day with a bunch of people around.

"It seems you are looking for this."

Neil quickly catches the keys thrown at him, causing obvious surprise on the stranger's face.

"Yes I..."

"Apparently you come here to stand in line for a couple of hours and give some stranger the keys to your car and...a house?"

The guy again raises his eyebrow, looking at Neil with his eyes. “He can’t do anything,” Neil repeats to himself as a mantra, painfully squeezing the key in his hand.

The stranger looks meaningfully at the whitened fingers and Neil forces himself to relax his hand, in the end he can simply change the lock, or the door

"How soon will you change the locks, timid rabbit?"

"It's none of your business. What's wrong with you, eh ? You either don’t have your own life or it’s so boring that such a little thing as a lost key excites you more than the second can of energy drink that you drank in secret from your mommy. Or maybe you are simply physically incapable of doing a good deed and at the same time talking to those around you like all normal people. However, this does not mean that I have to listen to you. Mind your own business and leave me alone."

Neil flares up, offended by the understanding of how right the guy opposite is and cannot stop once he opens his mouth. His friend Dan always teases him, saying that it is much better to be on the same side with him than against him.

The guy in line, contrary to expectation, doesn’t leave and doesn’t even say anything. He silently stands opposite, not responding to obvious insults, only looking at him with even more interest

"My mother died."

Neil closes his mouth. Well, damn, now he’s even a little ashamed, just a little. They are awkwardly silent until the blond one's gaze stumbles upon something

"Oh, The Art Institute."

Andrew notices a sticker on the car, adding this information to his image of a stubborn asshole with a sharp tongue. Fuck, he's starting to like him

"You work there, bunny?"

Neil turns around indignantly. How old does this crazy guy think he is?

"No, I'm a student! And I'm not a bunny! Stop calling me that!"

"Neil!"

Some guy runs past them and waves to the guy in front of him

"Hello, Caleb."

He greets wearily, putting a polite smile on his face. And Andrew thinks that this image doesn’t suit him at all.

"How are you, okay?"

Having waited for a polite nod, he glances at them

"Ok, see you."

"Andrew"

Neil turns around in surprise, as if he had forgotten about his existence, and Andrew suppresses the discontent that had come from out of nowhere.

"Truth for truth. I won’t take anything that you didn’t give me yourself."

"Um, okay, well, anyway, thanks for the keys."

Neil turns to leave and Andrew can't contain himself.

"You know, it seems we have the same RPP zone."

Andrew winces, what an idiot he is, no one is going to fall for that.
But the guy, Neil, turns around again, he's about to get a hernia, with all these turnings

"Yes? Hmm, you seem to be very observant."

Andrew nods, not knowing what to do next. God, he already broke his word record for the day.

"What's an RPP zone ?"

"Residential permit parking zone."

Neil smiles at the corner of his lips

"Sounds like something very intimate."

Who the fuck is this bunny?

"Yes. I was thinking that you were pretty rude to the one who helped you escape life on the streets."

"Hmm, do you think so?"

Andrew nods.

"The least you can do is buy me a cup of coffee."

"Ha! And I thought it was rude to meddle in a stranger’s business, inventing stupid nicknames on the spot.:

Andrew shrugs.

"Do you have anything else to do?"

Neil hesitates. Normal people should have plans on a Saturday evening, right? He has nothing. His adoptive parents and brother live several hours away, they see each other quite often, but still less than he would like. Matt and Dan are his only friends, are living their own lives and surely busy today.

His small apartment is empty, filled only with fears and loneliness. To be fair, upon arriving at the apartment, Neil planned to run around the area for several hours until exhausted, so that he could come and immediately pass out without thinking about the nightmares hiding in dark corners and waiting for a moment of weakness to attack.

"No, I don't."

He answers honestly.

"Then it won’t be difficult for you to spend a little time with me and treat me to a cup of coffee. And I will treat you anyway in response to my "tactlessness"."

Andrew shows quotes in the air

"OK"

Neil locks the car, putting the key in his pocket, this guy better not turn out to be a serial killer.

Andrew took him to one of those small Italian style family restaurants with crispy baguettes and overly sweet desserts. Neil refuses the wine when a waiter with a "Roland" badge is already taking their order at the entrance.

"I do not drink alcohol.:

Andrew nods, remembering the new information.

"And you?"

"Not wine."

Andrew, clearly already knowing the menu, nods to the waiter.

"As usual for me."

Neil looks at the booklet in his hands, confused under the gazes, the words get mess and scatter. Having decided that favorite food is also a way to get to know a person, he orders the same thing.

They occupy the farthest table, hidden in the shade and filled with massive pots of green plants. Neil relaxes as he sinks into one of the soft chairs, shifting slightly so he can sit against the wall and still be able to see the entrance. He tries not to pay attention to the interested look of the guy from the parking lot, Andrew, he corrects himself.

Sooner at the moment they sat down Rodand was already approaching them with a full tray, placing on the table some kind of chocolate madness in a plate and two cups of coffee.

"So Andrew, do you come here often?"

God, he is absolutely terrible, why did he throw away the reference book Kevin gave him for starting small talks, now it would be very useful to him. And remembered, because Kevin is an idiot and quote “Kevin this is the most absurd thing you have ever done, I will never need it.” So who's the idiot now, Neil?

"Yes"

Neil blinks. Andrew, with a stony expression on his face, sits opposite, comfortably reclining in a chair, as if he had been here more than once.

"Alone?"

Andrew smiles mockingly and Neil immediately regrets asking. The silence lasts too long even for him. And Neil no longer hopes for an answer when a calm voice is heard.

"Yes. I don’t often... go out somewhere, especially with someone."

"So why...? You called me out today, why?"

"I make a promise my therapist that I would try to talk to the first person who caught my attention. I always keep my promises."

"So, you're interested in me? Please just..."

Andrew winces and clenches his hand into a fist, which makes Neil think for a second that he's going to hit him.

"I don't like this word."

Neil nods understandingly, not asking a question, but desperately wanting to do it.

"Spit it out , bunny."

"But you obviously don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to force you."

"You can't force me to say or do anything. I'll tell you "no" whenever I want."

"By the way, do you mind if I take advantage of an extra turn in our truth game ?"

Interpreting Andrew's silence as co-occurrence, Neil asks.

"So who said p-word, making you hate this so much?"

Andrew looked him up and down with a long, searching look.

"I did."

Neil didn't know what answer he was expecting, but it certainly wasn't this one. His chest felt unpleasantly heavy, as if from a strong, unexpected blow. He opened his mouth to say something, but what could he even say in this situation?

Andrew endured his shocked, confused look for a couple more seconds, and then brushed off the topic as if it were something completely unimportant and insignificant.

"He promised that he would stop if I asked."

"And you believed him."

Neil guessed, better understanding the man opposite.

"I was seven."

Andrew just explained.

"Of course, I believed him."

"Seven"

Neil repeated after him dully. Having decided something for himself, Neil nods decisively.

"My mother and I ran away from my cruel father when I was 8. We hid for almost 2 years until she died. I was adopted."

As if he were pay his own truth back, he himself was surprised at that how easily words slipped from the tip of his tongue. But it's worth it when Andrew relaxes, nodding at Neil's dessert and finishing the last spoonful of his own one.

"Not a fan of chocolate?"

"No, not really. More precisely in general."

"Then why did you order it? Are you such a martyr to pay for something you don't like?"

"Actually, you pay for it and I wanted to try what you like. But apparently it's not mine. It's too sweet. If you want..."

Andrew nods and already pulls the plate towards him, pushing his already empty one to the side.

"Next time I’ll ask you my question back and take what you eat yourself or not, I don’t care."

"Next time?"

...

Neil has already wiped his, for sure, red and snotty nose with a napkin 10 times in last 5 minutes. He exhales, running his hand through his hair. It wouldn’t unnecessary to wash his hair, but in the morning he couldn’t bring himself to bend over, fearing that he might vomit, having diligently eaten breakfast.

Pulling his sleeves tighter, Neil picks up the tray, heading towards the only occupied table. There are only one couple of people in the coffee shop today and Neil is grateful that they are heatedly arguing about something without noticing his condition.

"Your cappuccino without anything and caramel latte."

He places two cups of hot coffee in front of them and hurries away.

"Thank you!"

The girl screams at him and Neil covers his eyes, what the hell. His head is about to explode.

Approaching the counter, he sees a box that he definitely did not leave there. Neil looks around. No one.

Calm down, maybe it's just a hallucination due to the fever, yes, that's right. Neil raises his hand to his forehead, and he definitely has a fever. He rubs his eyes. His therapist, Ben, says he needs to test his assumptions without letting his anxiety take advantage of him.

Exhaling through his mouth and once again wiping his poor nose, Neil pokes his finger into the unreal box, bumping into thick cardboard. Fuck, it's real. Neal sighs again, this time starting to panic.

Who should he call in the event of a bomb being planted? After all, that’s how it happens, right? Some deranged people leave backpacks and boxes and then BOOM happens!

Well, not with him and not today, he still has to meet with Andrew tonight. Neil hurriedly takes out his phone. The main thing is not to panic, what Kevtn told him, 911 always call there if you are in trouble.

Ring!

He flinches at the message he received, almost breaking the nearby cups and dropping his phone. The couple looks back at him and Neil waves at them.

"I am fine! Sorry!"

They turn away, quickly forgetting about what happened and Neil looks at the screen. Andrew. Andrew texted him.

“Don’t freak out bunny and just open it.”

Ring!

Then another message comes.

"And don't call 911, it's not a bomb."

Neil smiles at how well Andrew knows him and finally relaxes as he opens the box. He takes out the contents one by one, reading sticked on them notes under his breath.

"For your snotty nose..."

5 ply, expensive napkins. Oh Neil is so grateful to him. The crap he’s been using for several days now feels like it’s removed at least two layers of the epidermis.

"For your stupid head..."

Snorting, Neil takes out the pills and places them next to the napkins, maybe he'll use them later.

"For you now..."

Neil bites his lip, he never ceases to be amazed at this attentive and caring side of Andrew. He takes out Andrew's soft T-shirt , black of course. When he feels bad he likes to bury himself in it, cuddling up to Andrew. And now he presses the fabric to his face, sighing at the still lingering scent of his boyfriend. With difficulty putting it aside, he reaches for the last gift.

"For me later..."

Neil almost chokes on air when at the bottom he finds a cute silver butt plug with a bunny tail on the end. He runs his fingers, trembling with desire, through the fluffy red fur that matches his hair so perfectly. He groans quietly imagining how Andrew walked around the store meticulously choosing it from many others.

Neil hears a car horn and, looking more closely out the window, sees Andrew sitting in a car in the parking lot, watching him. He smiles, salutes him with two fingers and leaves.

Ring!

Neil looks at the third message with a smile.

"See you tonight, bunny"

...

Neil smiled, looking out the car window and stretching out his hand as if trying to catch the warm summer wind. He catches the slight curve of Andrew's lips in the side mirror and turns to him.

"Yes or no?"

"Mmm?"

"Can I touch you?"

"The knee and the arm to shoulders."

Neil obediently places one hand on his knee, gently squeezing his fingers and playfully biting his lip as Andrew's gaze darkens and he picks up his speed a little, heading home.

"You know, I took one of your gifts with me. My beloved, with that stone, which you claim is exactly like my eyes."

Neil shifts demonstratively in his seat.

"Do you wanna take a look?"

Andrew groans.

"God, I hate you so much."

"Does this mean that I have my percents raised? What's it now? 97% ?"

"100 %"

Chapter Text

"As you know, your husband's CT scan showed intracranial hemorrhaging. We purposely keep patients with traumatic brain injuries in a comatose state in order to calm their systems and allow the brain time to heal itself while the swelling subsides. And then we slowly wean them off it. Now..."

The thing is, each one of us is the sum total of every moment that we've ever experienced, with all the people we've ever known.

Andrew silently enters Neil's room, wincing at the persistent smell of the hospital and the beeping of the monitors.

After the drunk driver crashed into them a couple of days ago, turning their lives upside down. Andrew has woken up in the hospital, disoriented, but with only a seatbelt bruise across his chest and a couple of scratches on his face caused by shards of broken glass.

He moves closer to his husband's body on the bed. Neil lies motionless, doesn't look like himself at all. And Andrew peers intently into his face, expecting that in a second Neil will stretch, like every morning, turn over on another side, slapping his hand next to him on the bed in search of Andrew. It seems to him that in a second he will irritably rip off the breathing tubes and tear out unnecessary IVs. Neil will open his incredibly beautiful arctic eyes and say:

"Let's go home."

Andrew blinks away the desired obsession. In reality, Neil is still lying in front of him.

When their family and friends heard about the accident and rushed to the hospital as quickly as possible. Andrew only wanted to see two of them. Abby and Aaron. Even if it wasn’t their specialty, Andrew knew for sure that they didn’t give a damn about Neil, that no matter what Aaron said, they cared about him almost as much as Andrew. They explained him as much as possible about what is happening to Neil now, trying to speak as clearly as they can.

"To stop the attacks, he was put into a drug-induced coma, Andrew."

Fuck

"With the help of intravenous anesthetic support. They relax his muscles and block the central nervous system."

Fuck

"Blood flow to the head decreases, which causes intracranial pressure to reduce. They do everything right."

Fuck

"He can still wake up, do you hear me?"

Aaron squats in front of him with tears in his eyes, trying to look into his eyes. Over the past 4 years, Aaron used to the soft Andrew, pampered by the warmth of home and his loved one. But the man in front of him now? This is not the brother he had seen last week, this is a lonely and broken shadow of himself, the one who he had been before Neil. And this man is terrified. Andrew is terrified because Neil is in pain, but he doesn’t know what is happening. He doesn't have the medical training to understand how bad it is. Or check the veracity of the words of strangers in white coats. All he can do is rely on his brother.

Aaron sighed and found that right now, despite Andrew's panic, this was the only time he could be calm. Neil is his family too, but he can't afford to be afraid right now. His brother needs him and for the first time in many years he can give it to him.

"Hey, everything will be fine."

He said firmly and confidently.

"Don't make promises you can't keep."

Andrew tries to hide the fragility of his voice with feigned anger. But Aaron bites his tongue, clearly hearing Andrew's harsh and trembling voice, as if all his nerve endings were suddenly exposed.

"Listen, we just finished talking with the doctors. They're pretty sure he can handle it."

He hears like Andrew take a deep breath and Aaron continues before his brother's perfect memory shows him the worst-case scenarios.

"He is already recovering. This is a good sign. None of us will leave until Neil wakes up, you will not be left alone."

Andrew in front of him is so still that Aaron can't even hear him breathing, but he can see his knuckles turn white.

"Andrey, listen to me. Abby and I will stay here at the hospital and I will explain to you everything they tell us."

He suppresses the instinctive “I promise.” They don't have the best history of promises, and something told him that talking about it now would do more harm than good.

"I'll be outside, okay?"

Andrew exhales as soon as the door closes behind Aaron.

Fuck, he can't lose Neil.

The breathing tube is still in his mouth, taped to his familiar lips. “Invasive ventilation is a much more complex procedure. We will place a tube through which oxygen is supplied and waste air is removed directly into the trachea,” Andrew remembers exactly what the doctor said, adding at the end that they were lucky because they did not have to do the operation.

Were they ? Andrew don't feel lucky at all. Andrew leans forward, he has long received consent for everything, but hesitates, feeling like a thief, he kisses Neil on the forehead. Warm. Andrew closes his eyes with relief, hiding the tears in red hair. He's still warm. Tilda was cold.

And it's these moments that become our history. Like our own personal greatest hits of memories that we play and replay in our minds over and over again.

Andrew turns around. Neil went out onto the terrace wearing only socks and his T-shirt barely covering his buttocks, covered with absurd little shorts that Nicky gave him with the tempting inscription “love me & fuck me”. They show off legs strong from constant running with several scars. These scars aren't the worst Neal3 has, but his trust in exposing his vulnerabilities warms Andrew's heart. He unconsciously reaches for his own bandages on his arms, covering his scars. Andrew isn't ashamed of them, but he doesn't like them either.

In the evenings, in a pleasant mood, especially after hot and exhausting sex. When Neil fell jaded next to Andrew, intertwining their legs, he gently ran his fingertips along them. And without meeting resistance, he changed them for lips, gently tracing every millimeter of wounded skin with kisses.

"You are so strong."

"I am. But it's not because of them. These are signs of my weaknesses."

"They are an indicator of strength. You've seen a lot in life and been through too much crap. You could have pressed a little harder, moved a little to the side."

Neil presses his fingernail on the vein next to the scar.

"And it would all be over. It doesn't take much courage to do this."

"You thought about this for a long time, Abram."

The second name pleasantly warms the soul and Neil hums vaguely and kisses his scars again.

"No matter what, you are here. You've survived everything. And stayed here for me."

"I thought it was I who told you to stay, but it turns out it’s the other way around."

Neil rolls over onto his stomach, propping himself up on his elbows and resting his chin on his hands.

"You did. And I am grateful to you for this every second."

Andrew also rises, running his palm over his wounded chest. Neil also has his own scars, but he doesn’t treat them as poetically as Andrew’s.

"Tell me what do you need to stay with me?"

Once again Andrew repeats his question from a couple of months ago, gently leaning in for a kiss, giving him time to look away.

"You. It will always be you."

Neil leans forward, snapping him out of his memories and giving Andrew a great view.

"Are you still hungry?"

Andrew hears through the glass door of the kitchen, which so conveniently opens onto the terrace. He bought this house largely because of this very terrace, so that he would not have to pull the mosquito net out of the window every time to smoke.

He takes a closer look. Two stray cats are rubbing around Neil's feet again. Although, thanks to Neil’s efforts, they no longer look very much like homeless. Their fur are shiny and fluffy under the stroking them hands, and their fat, well-fed bodies shake with purrs.

Andrew takes the terribly sweet coffee that Neil calls “death by diabetes” but still makes it for him every morning and goes out onto the porch. Neil instantly tenses up, ready to run, but turns around at the sound of footsteps, recognizes him and relaxes his shoulders, calming down. Andrew is proud of this reaction. His scared bunny deciding to stay.

"Hey"

"Hey. What are you doing?"

Neil hides his hand behind his back, in which Andrew manages to notice a couple pieces of raw meat and goes around him, hiding inside the house. Come on, it's like Andrew doesn't know what he's doing here.

"Um, nothing."

"Nothing, really? What is that then?"

Andrew follows him back into the kitchen and rolls his eyes when Neil apparently throws his "nothing" in the trash and quickly washes his hands.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Breakfast is ready."

Neil nods and quickly approaches to the fridge.

"Yes or no? To kiss."

"Yes"

Neil kisses him on the cheek and walks around to the refrigerator standing in the corner of Andrew's small kitchen. Before Neil arrived, he felt cramped here, but now he loves moments like this: the occasional touch of hands, a hug from behind while he washes the dishes, or funny convulsions to the music, which Neil calls dancing.
And of course kisses, Neil, unlike him, turned out to be a fan of quick smacks, here and there he received a kiss on the cheek, temple, palm, wherever that restless mouth could reach.
Andrew himself kisses Neil like this was a fight with their lives on the line, like his world stopped and started with Neil’s mouth. Andrew loves to take that stupid face in his hands, watching his gaze darken with desire, loves to gently tuck his elastic curls behind his ears, revealing a scattering of small freckles. They cannot be seen from a far or if you don’t know where to look. Neil laughs that he draws them every morning especially for him.

But Andrew doesn't let himself be distracted.

"If you keep feeding those fleabags, they will never leave. And I'm allergic."

"The same allergy as to fruits."

"I hate fruits."

"Exactly, it's not an allergy. Moreover, King Fluffkins and Sir Fat Cat McCatterson can come here whenever they want, they are self-sufficient cats."

"You already gave them names!"

Andrew pokes him accusingly with a half-empty mug.

"I did not say that."

Neil raises his hands, not distracted from his search.

"That's exactly what you said. We won't have cats, Neil. Also with such stupid names, did you come up with them yourself?"

"Mmm"

Neil hums in agreement as he rummages through the refrigerator and screams triumphantly as he pulls out a box of strawberries. Andrew hates fruits and doesn't eat berries, but always saves them for Neil. The shirt stolen from his closet and worn on Nile rode up, revealing his sculpted stomach. Andrew has to look away.

"I hate you."

"I know, is it 110% already?"

"117%"

Neil smiles in the soft light of day, letting the sun set his fiery hair and highlight his freckles. Andrew holds back a shuddering breath. Neil winks at him, as if not noticing that Andrew can’t breathe looking at him, and flirtatiously blows him a kiss. Only after waiting for Neil to turn away and disappear into the small dining room, Andrew raises his hand and catches an imaginary kiss, pressing his palm to his chest. He presses as if trying to leave this sweet gesture inside next to his pounding heart.

"Anyone wants strawberries? It's very fresh. I bought it at the farmers' market on a morning jog."

Andrew follows him, leaning his shoulder on the door frame and still not letting go of the mug. Neil gave it to him. It's a large round mug in the shape of a black cat with bright eyes. Andrew knows that Neil chose it because of the color of cat's eyes, which exactly matched Andrew's. If he wants to finish what is left in his mug, he will have to close his eyes so that two sharp ears do not pierce his eyes. Of course Neil bought the most impractical mug in the world. Neil just shrugged his shoulders at this statement, “Leave me alone, I’m trying to take care of you. I don’t want you to die of diabetes, maybe this way you’ll drink less of your poison.” Andrew, purely out of principle and not because he liked the mug, drank only from it every morning.

Aaron and Nicky are sitting at a round table in the dining room, which is a big word, it's more of a space between the kitchen and living room where Andrew has placed the table. They are watching the cute squabble with all their eyes, not yet accustomed to seeing Andrew from this side.

"Are you already buying groceries?"

Aaron is the first to break the silence, staring suspiciously at Neil.

"So what?"

"This is a bad sign. And we all knows what that means."

Aaron shakes his head at Andrew. "Fuck you". Andrew doesn't hold back, meaningfully giving his brother the middle finger. Neil sits down next to Nicky and he pulls him into his arms, not paying attention to his squeak and Andrew's murderous look.

"I like him, he’s like a lucky talisman."

"Thanks, I think."

"I don’t see an excess of happiness here, just dust."

Aaron, in retaliation, runs his finger along the nearest shelf and shows the dirt remaining on his fingers.

"I would rather have him than that mad dog you tried to make us adopt in the 3rd grade. And he makes Andrew happy!"

Aaron flushes, covered in red spots, as Nicky laughs and Neil screams indignantly.

"Don't compare me to a dog!"

"He also makes great coffee."

Andrew adds, pointedly sipping from his sight-threatening mug to hide his smile. Nicky looks at him in shock and exclaims.

"Let's keep him!"

Aaron frowns nearby.

"Hey!"

Ignoring the slight altercation, Andrew returns to the kitchen. His body is already relaxing as usual. And the sound of a familiar voice brings a smile to your face every now and then. He hears Neil say something caustic to Aaron as Nicky laughs supportively. He quickly puts Neil's breakfast on a plate, placing blueberries next to the pancakes. His favorites.

When he goes back, he needs a couple of seconds to enjoy the view again. Nicky, almost with tears in his eyes, spasmodically knocks on the table, choking with laughter.
His twin, sitting relaxed next to him, carefully hides his smile, folding his arms on his chest.
And Neil. God, Neil is Neil. Andrew places breakfast in front of him with a loud thud. Neil, still chuckling, looks down and frowns, the blueberries on the plate form the word.

"Movie? Misspelled? I think you spelled it wrong."

"No"

Andrew tweaks the blueberry in the caption.

"It says move in."

Neil sighs, looking back at him in disbelief. They silently carry on the conversation "are you sure?" "Yes, I wouldn't offer if I didn't want to....do you want to?" "Yes"

"Yes"

Neil repeats out loud. Andrew pulls out of his pocket the key he's been keeping there for a couple of weeks. And just like in their first meeting, he throws it at him. Neil again deftly catches the small object, carefully holding it in the palm of his hand and examining it as if it were his greatest treasure.

"Told you, a bad sign."

Aaron sighs sadly, completely ruining the moment.

Chapter Text

"I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they're not."

Neil stands in his wedding suit in the middle of the gallery, surrounded by their closest friends. Neither he nor Andrew were fans of lavish weddings: tents, buffet tables, the first dance and crowds of people. Instead, they had a showroom in the new gallery, a couple of beers and pizza waiting them at home. And of course, their family.

Nicky and Aaron took positions behind Andrew, his own brother standing behind him. He didn't really think Kevin would be able to get away from work. He tried so hard to build his career again after an unfortunate sports injury. But when offered him to skip their little ceremony, Kevin threw a tantrum between him and his parents. And while Abby tried to calm Kevin down, David put his heavy hand on his shoulder. Neil didn't flinch. 10 years of living together in the same house and the trust he had earned in front of a scared 10 year old boy was all that was needed to keep him calm. David whispered, "Be happy, son."

Their friends: Matt, Dan, Allison and Seth surrounded them. Nicky, who was keen on video shooting last time, held a camera in front of him, intending to preserve this wedding for centuries. And maybe send it to Erik later.

Neil took a breath while looking into the eyes of Andrew standing opposite him. He nervously crumpled the scribbled piece of paper in his hands, bending and unbending the edges, never once looking at it. Andrew looked too amazing for Neil to look away. His blond hair is neatly combed, as he always wears a spick-and-span suit. Neil was always curious how he did it, he couldn't even buy himself a pair of socks without Andrew rolling his eyes. However, Neil decided that he wouldn’t mind exchanging the opportunity to have his own opinion in clothes for the rest of his life with Andrew.

Their time, unfortunately, was not eternal. After a couple of decades, their hair would turn gray, their eyes would begin to fail, and their muscles would become limp, neglecting their hard training. The clock was already ticking, but now the days were counting down on a different schedule, stretching and bending, allowing them to be together. And now looking into his beloved hazel eyes. Neil felt that they had all the time in the world and the realization of this warmed him more than any hot July sun outside the window.

"To agree to disagree on that terrible caramel-chocolate pie."

Matt, unable to restrain himself, burst out laughing into his fist, receiving a slap on the shoulder from Dan, who is wiping away a tear.

"And to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home."

Allison furtively hides behind Seth, taking out a tiny mirror and quickly fixing her makeup, under Aaron's mocking gaze from the side.

"Didn’t I say no one likes a smart-ass?"

Kevin, already accustomed to their verbal sparring, smiles softly, looking at the back of Neal's head. He specifically chose this place, watching his brother's future husband. He wanted to see how he looked at him. He wanted to be sure that after such a difficult start of life as Neil had, his little brother would have a break. He wanted to confirm that Andrew was worthy of him. And he did it, watching him every second of Neil's speech and seeing how his shoulders relaxed and eyes filled with warmth. Well, he can be calm.

"Except you."

Andrew exhales, looking at Neal, but not denying his words.

"135% and you set the bar kind of high, bunny."

Andrew glances at Neil's hands and smirks at the corner of his lips.

"You wrote your vow on a menu."

It sounds like a statement that someone might think is a biting mockery of him, but Neil listens deeper, recognizing the slight amusement.

"Yeah, why?"

Andrew defiantly pulls his own speech out of his pocket and shows Neil the same paper.

"So did I."

Andrew whispers and shakes his speech to Neil. Nicky is crying, sniffling noisily and whispering chokedly to Aaron standing next to her.

"So romantic !"

Aaron rolls his eyes, pushing him away, but there is a wide smile on his face that does not hide his sincere happiness for his brother.

"I’m not your answer, Neil, and you sure as fuck aren’t mine. But I vow to fiercely love in all your forms, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once-in-a-lifetime love. And always know in the deepest part of my soul that no matter what challengers might carry us apart, that we'll always find the way back to each other."

Renee smiles with emotion at her friends, rejoicing for them with all the heart. And shaking her rainbow hair she proclaims:

"Do you take each other as spouses forever?"

"I do."

Neil smiles happily and Andrew doesn't hold back a soft smile in return.

"I do."

"Then by the power vested in me by the State of Illinois, I..."

Renee pauses, glances to the side and exclaims excitedly.

"Security! I now pronounce you spouses and best friends for life!"

Renee finishes hastily, urging others towards the exit.

"Kiss and run!"

Matt shouts to them as he opens the doors.

"I can't go to jail! I have a game in a week!"

Kevin runs through the doors first, followed by the others. Andrew and Neil run out of the gallery, laughing side by side. Holding hands tightly, they rush forward. And new wedding rings lit in the summer sun, illuminating their path with hope.

"We got married!"

Neil shouts with delight, leaving the guards far behind with nothing. But without stopping, he pulls his newly-made husband, who is less accustomed to running, behind him.

"We got married."

Andrew says firmly, standing under some bridge and catching his breath. Not the best place to celebrate marriage.

"I hate you."

Andrew says without much heat, grabbing Neil's face in his hands.

"You are not real. I must have died after all and I just imagined you."

Andrew's voice is openly shaking and Neil is touched by his honesty. In an effort to calm his partner, he clasps his hands on his face and removes one of them, bringing it to his lips and kissing the new ring.

"I'm real and I'm here. As much as you allow me."

"Yes or no?"

Andrew's eyes darken.

"It is always yes with you. I'll answer it as many times as you ask. But this is always going to be yes."

"Don't "always" me."

"Then don't ask me if you don't want to hear the tru..."

Andrew interrupts him with a deep kiss, causing Neil to gasp for air. Breaking away, he reaches into his trouser pocket and takes out a cigarette. Neil raises an eyebrow and Andrew shakes his head, lighting his cigarette.

"I only have one left."

Neil makes a face at him and brazenly snatches it from Andrew's fingers.

"Everything that’s yours is mine now, remember?"

People around them hurried about their business, looking down at their feet. They have work, family and their own problems. None of them care about two guys in wedding suits standing under a dilapidated bridge and smoking one cigarette. Neil laughs at his own thoughts.

"What amused you so much, bunny?"

Andrew asks, noticing the sly gaze of the guy opposite him.

"Life?"

...

Neil squinted, he was very tired. He needs to finish this project soon, but he can't concentrate. Everything around bothers him and seems wrong. The huge long lamp above him, which Andrew hung when Neil mentioned that he couldn't work in the evenings due to lack of light, illuminates weaker than usual. The graffiti-painted windows rattle from the annoyingly loud raindrops.

Drip Drop Drip Drop

He will go crazy soon. Neil shudders. He usually likes to work in the evenings, preferring the slight coolness to the stifling heat. But today even the weather is against him. The night air freezes his fingers, making the clay difficult to handle in hands, not giving in to manipulations.

Drip Drop

"Crap!"

Neil breaks down, throwing the lump of clay that he was trying to knead into sculpture in front of him. He punches it in irritation. And in a fit of anger, he kicks the movable table, flinching from the noise of the collision with the wall.

The music stops and Neil clenches his teeth, raising eyes to the ceiling. Andrew takes his hand off the playing phone and walks over. He's homey. Apparently he had just woken up in a cold bed and went in search of Neil. He's wearing soft pajama pants, from some brand Neil doesn't know, but Allison is bewitched by only mention of it.

"You weren't there."

Andrew doesn't like to state the obvious. This is not an accusation, but it is not a question either.

"I have only one is ready..."

Neil says anyway, pointing his hand at the clay something in the corner. Andrew glances there, raising an unimpressed eyebrow.

"One piece!"

Neil repeats again, pointing there. As if trying to explain the horror of this situation in one phrase.

"I can’t do anything!"

Andrew listens carefully.

"I can't! Oh my God."

Neil rubs his face in disappointment, pinching the bridge of his nose tiredly.

"You're gonna be fine."

Andrew raises his voice, but Neil doesn’t listen to him, too deep in his thoughts.

"Oh my God, I'm gonna have to call them and tell them...tell them I can’t do it."

Andrew snorts next to him, unimpressed by this little speech and reaches out to squeeze Neil tightly by the base of his neck, knowing it will calm him down.

"You need to sleep, Abram. Let's go to."

Neil relaxes in his arms and groans in protest.

"Mmm, no, I can't..."

Andrew grabs him tighter by the neck, squeezing his fingers, digging into the tender skin.

:You need some rest. You haven't slept for the past few days. And don't even think it suits you."

Neil jerks his head in mock indignation.

"Don't you like my new look?"

He runs a finger under his right eye where he knows bruises have begun to appear from lack of sleep, adding him sickly appearance.

"I thought you liked black."

"It's not black, but dirty blue. And it doesn't suit your eyes' color at all."

Neil drops his hand and hovers over Andrew's waist. Having waited for a nod, he gently strokes his husband’s bare chest.

"But I thought in sickness and in health or whatever."

"Or whatever."

Andrew imitates him.

"And I would prefer in health."

Neil sighs and nods.

"Okay, I'll just cover my work."

Andrew watches his actions while examining the fancy clay on another table.

"I think this one's coming along fine."

Neil turns at him in surprise and looks around trying to understand what Andrew is talking about.

"I mean, I know it's not finished, but I'm already starting to see a mood. It’s got like a darkening curtain thing happening there, and then a competing light element, there."

Neil leans his cheek against his shoulder, nodding his head and tickling Andrew's nose with his tousled hair.

"Mmm, is that so ?"

"This is obviously an abstraction, but I think it’s already very impressive."

"Obviously."

Neil repeats and can’t help but burst out laughing.

"You totally love me, don't you? Next time someone calls you heartless, I might have to pick a fight."

Andrew pushes Neil's head off. He looks like he wants to tell Neil to shut up, but he doesn't.

"There is my sculpture, and here I am kneading clay."

Andrew's eyes widen in shock causing Neil to actually laugh. What the incredible power he had, making everything better just by his presence. The lamp lit up as it should, the rain no longer irritated him, on the contrary, it calmed down with its intricate rhythm, and the cold receded, replaced by homely warmth.

"Well, now we have to save it."

After laughing he says. Neil approaches Andrew again and slowly takes his hand. Andrew closes his eyes, clenching his jaw. Neil places a quick kiss on it, causing him to open his eyes.

"Nobody will believe you."

"I'm not going to tell anyone. I want to save this moment just for myself."

"I hate you."

"I know."

Andrew reaches up and wipes a piece of clay from Neil's cheek, lingering to stroke the soft skin. Neil melts under the touch and reaches forward to get more. And Andrew gives.

The floor in Neil's workshop is cold and hard. But he doesn’t notice this, sprawled on it and spreading his arms.

"Only the back and shoulders."

Neil immediately wraps his arms around. They start with kissing. Everything about Andrew was hot, from the hands holding him down to the mouth steadily taking Neil apart. And Neil finally understood why his mother thought it was so dangerous. Andrew slowly removes Neil's clothes, leaving only his boxers on. And he can’t help but look at him with a passionate gaze. Neil's skin is pale and soft, which is surprising considering how many terrible scars fill him like paint on a canvas. Andrew feels a strange thrill and reaches out to touch them. Neil isn't the only one who worships other people's scars.
It doesn't take long for Andrew to remember him like this, every inch of his body, but it's never enough for him.

Looking at Andrew, Neil couldn't stop smiling lovingly. He looked like a complete mess. After sleep, his blond hair stuck out in all directions, his clothes were wrinkled and he was not wearing the usual bandages, which is why the scars stood out sharply on his bare forearms. Andrew moves slowly, not hiding his desire and not trying to cover himself or at least put on a menacing appearance. His hazel eyes shine like molten gold in the light of the lamp above their heads. And Neil, completely unexpectedly for himself, is speechless. He can only hope for his memory , not comparable to Andrew's one, greedily absorb the details. Neil raised his hand to his head and stood waiting.

"Yes."

Andrew said. Neil smiled brightly, running his fingers through his hair. Andrew closed his eyes and immersed himself in the sensations.

"So beautiful."

The rain outside the window began to pound harder, as if reflecting Andrew's fluttering heart. No one had ever called him that before Neil. For a moment there was silence, just the two of them and the thunderstorm outside the window. Andrew leaned down, pressing his body against Neil's.

"Shut up."

He whispered.

"Make me..."

Andrew interrupted him with a rough kiss. Carefully holding himself up so as not to put all his weight on him, Andrew pulled himself away from the chattering mouth.

"I'm not so fragile."

Neil said and lifted his pelvis up touching Andrew. To spite Neil, Andrew immediately sat on top of him, pinning him to the floor.

"I think I told you to shut up, bunny".

"And I said: make me."

Neil licks his swollen lips, drawing Andrew's gaze to them.

"Where can I touch you?"

"Everywhere."

Andrew answered and Neil opened his eyes in surprise, this was a rare offer for them.

"Everywhere."

Neil repeated with his lips, as if tasting the trust given to him. Andrew knelt down so Neil could move again and take off his boxers. Neil smiles, spreading his legs for his husband so that he can get more comfortable, and clasps his hands on his back. Andrew's hot lips move down Neil's neck, down his collarbones and sunken belly to his groin. His hands touch his penis, already aching from lack of attention, and Neil chokes on a sigh. Andrew's fingers are long and dexterous, and he skillfully presses on the right spots. Neil moans and Andrew almost immediately replaces his fingers with a hot mouth. He takes in his entire length, moving up and down rhythmically. He runs his tongue teasingly along the shaft, making his husband tremble. Neil grabs the blonde strands with shaking fingers, pulling them slightly at the roots. Andrew pulls away.

"Still yes?"

Neil barely understands where he is and just simply nods.

"You know the rules, bunny, I need your words."

"Yes. Only..."

Neil takes a breath and tries again.

"You're wearing too many clothes."

Andrew grins and instead of answering, he slowly pulls off his expensive pants. His movements captivate Neil so that it is no longer possible to look away. And that’s why he notices Andrew pointedly taking lubricant and a square condom package out of his pocket. This sight makes Neil's insides clench. Andrew carefully lifts him by the chin, looking intently into his eyes. Neil knows this is important. This is their little ritual to make sure that everything goes according to mutual agreement. Neil can't wait to start, but if it makes Andrew happy, he's willing to wait a few extra minutes.

"I'm fine, Drew."

The pet nickname rolls easily off the tongue, hoping it will work. And it works. Cool lubricant Andrew thoroughly rubs into brings him to his senses, causing him to tremble. Neil feels the tip of someone else's finger. Andrew waits silently, asking the question for the last time for today and Neil whimpers.

"Yes, Andrew. Yes, always and for everything!"

"Don't "always" me."

Andrew scolds him without heat. But the finger still carefully passes inside. Andrew moves slowly and very carefully, without taking his attentive gaze off his husband’s face. Neil carefully puts on a fake calm face. He already knows from experience that even the slightest manifestation of discomfort, be it a cramp or twitching of an eyebrow, and Andrew will immediately stop. When the first finger is already completely inside. And there are no painful sensations, Neil can’t stand shaking his hips.

"Come on !"

Andrew kisses the redhead on the thigh, persuading him to be patient a little longer, and Neil groans in disappointment. Without meeting any resistance, he slowly inserts two more fingers. Neil spreads his knees wider. Andrew finally seems to notice his impatience and suddenly his fingers curl into weird shapes inside, brushing against his prostate and causing him to arch onto the floor. Andrew pins him to the floor and whispers.

"Shh, a little more."

Neil throws his head back.

"I..."

Neil moans.

"I'm already ready...I promise I'm fine."

It's difficult to speak and Neil whines pleadingly again. Andrew, satisfied with his work, relented and pulled out his fingers. He picks up a condom from the floor, tearing the foil with his teeth. Then he pulls Neil towards him by the ankles and settles himself between his legs.

"Come on, Drew!"

Andrew enters cautiously. Neil finally relaxes, getting what he wants. Every inch Andrew stretches him further and Neil rolls his eyes in pleasure. Andrew leans over, holding him by the hip.

"Neil?"

There is a warning in the question.

"Fine."

He immediately wheezes from below.

"It's just so much. Sorry."

"Don't. We have enough time."

Once Neil gets used to the sensation, Andrew gives the first thrust. He thrusts in with short, quick strokes, causing Neil to completely melt across the floor. He arches, whimpers and moans sharply into Andrew's ear, at the peak of pleasure. Neil loses touch with the world. Convulsively gasping for air and scratching other people’s shoulders from too much pleasure. They move in the same rhythm, as one whole. And this becomes enough for Neil’s consciousness to dissolve without a trace.

"Hey, bunny."

Andrew calls him, carefully so as not to scare, blowing in his face. Neil turns his head in his direction, looking with dull eyes. Andrew, still relaxed from his own orgasm, holds him close, feeling an overwhelming love for this particular person.

"I'm fine, Drew."

He whispers.

"I think it's time to go to bed."

He adds, like a cat, rubbing his cheek against someone else’s chest.

"I kept trying to put this thought into you here."

Andrew taps Neil's forehead lightly.

"But it turns out that in order to talk some sense into you I need to come in from a different entrance."

Neil laughs and Andrew smiles gently, enjoying the moment.

A moment of total physical, mental, and every other kind of love.

Chapter Text

Andrew is worried, his twin and Abby follow him into the room worriedly.

They finally removed that disgusting tube from Neil's face, replacing it with a less intimidating cannula. Which doesn't take over the entire breathing function, but simply helps the body come to its senses.

"Don't crowd him."

The doctor instructs and Andrew wants to hit her. But he can't get properly angry by focusing too much on Neil. Contrary to what is often shown in movies, Neil does not come to his senses instantly. Andrew sees how the eyes under the eyelids dart from side to side and how the fingers tremble subtly as the body tries to regain lost control.

"He has good prospects. We'll only know for sure when he wakes up. But you need to be prepared for a less favorable outcome."

Andrew jerks, turning to Aaron and demanding an explanation. He hesitates, but fulfills his promise.

"Sometimes, to recover from a coma, a patient needs surgery to eliminate the causes of compression of areas of the brain. But look at him, he is already trying to wake up."

Aaron takes a breath and Abby steps forward to help.

"If this is Neil's case, then he will be given drugs to normalize kidney and liver function, to prevent thrombosis and genitourinary infections. At the same time, physical therapy will be prescribed to maintain muscle tone and normal joint functioning."

Andrew clenches his shaking hands into fists. He already knows this, he has the Internet.

" Traumatic brain injuries are considered the most dangerous due to their consequences for the nervous system. A coma only aggravates the situation, since some brain cells die, their functions must be taken over by other areas. In addition, the consequences of coma after a traumatic brain injury may not appear immediately, and some time after leaving this state."

Andrew remembers every fatal possibility that loomed dangerously over their heads. He closes his eyes, trying to imagine everything that could happen next.

Neil may have cognitive impairment. Due to the fact that the blood supply to the brain is affected, mental abilities deteriorate. In severe cases, hearing and vision may deteriorate. He imagines the blind Neil and misses the color of his bright eyes.

Neil's speech skills may also deteriorate. In especially severe cases, speech function can be completely lost, sometimes even swallowing skills are affected. He imagines the mute Neil and misses his chatty mouth.

Neil's motor skills and musculoskeletal function may decline. Sometimes the problems are limited to impaired coordination of movement; in more serious cases, the patient suffers from limb cramps and loss of sensitivity. In the most difficult situations, paralysis occurs. Before his eyes, he sees paralyzed Neil and he doesn’t know if Neil can handle it.

"He's gonna be a little groggy."

Andrew opens his eyes, right now he will know where this accident will lead them. Whether fate decides that Neil deserves a little more time or not.

He nods to the doctor without taking his eyes off the bed. Neil groans quietly and painfully and Aaron has to grab his arm to keep him from instinctively moving forward.

"Andrew."

He irritably shakes off someone else's hands, but still freezes. Giving Neil time to come to his senses. Andrew is afraid that he will fall. His legs are shaking like a newborn fawn. Relief flows through his entire body when he sees the familiar arctic blue again. “Not blind,” he thinks, relaxing a little and mentally crossing this threat off the list.

"Let's just give him some space. After a coma, people are often disoriented."

Andrew tries to keep his distance, but with all his body he wants to be close. The five steps between them feel like an abyss. Five steps are days spent next to his bed, not knowing whether he will ever wake up. Five steps are thoughts about "what if ". Five steps are bloody, terrible nightmares where Neil flies through the windshield and no longer breathes.

During the time it took for the eyes to get used to the bright light. Neil managed to notice something disturbing in his nose and the rhythmic beeping of the monitor on which his heart rate was shown in stable zigzags.

Neil barely keeps his eyes open, looking around the white room he is in and fixing his gaze on the people in front of him. Neil woke up, but he doesn't know where exactly. This is not his home. Sometimes, when painful nightmares woke him up in the middle of the night, choking and paralyzing, he jumped up in panic, trying to figure out where he was. This is how Neil felt now, as if he had woken up from a terrible nightmare that he did not remember. Only Neil wasn’t sure if he was dreaming about anything at all. Thoughts stretched viscously as if, before appearing in his head, they had first been dipped into hot chocolate, which Neil doesn't like.

Consciousness returned slowly, but the ability to move was even slower. Neil tried to get up, if he could do it, he could leave this white room. But all he managed to do was slightly jerk his hand and wiggle his toes. His body felt so heavy, incapable of simple movements, and it scared him. Neil tried to calm down and rely only on facts for now. He put together in his head the terrible state of health, the monitor and the white walls. He's in the hospital.

"Hey"

Andrew whispers.

"Hey"

Andrew sighed with relief as he watched from the sidelines. His voice is still weak, but he is not mute and, judging by the uncertain movements of his hands, he is not paralyzed. Out of the corner of his ear he hears Abby's relieved exhale and Aaron's joyful chuckle. Andrew also unconsciously relaxes. Neil is fine.

Neil looks around the room again, and squints as if he has a pain in his head. He has it sometimes in the morning when he worked late in the workshop the day before and now suffers from migraines. Andrew knows, he has memorized every expression on his face.

"You are awake."

Neil looks straight at him and at the same moment, a pain that doesn't foretell anything good flared up behind his eyes, accompanying the bright flashes of light in his eyes seared. Andrew gets a chilling feeling of déjà vu at the sight of him. He is trying to push this feeling away and focuses on his husband. Neil groans again, wrinkling his freckled nose.

"Neil?"

The doctor steps forward and stands next to Andrew, blocking the view of the others. Abby trembles with impatience to approach her son, but controls herself, forcing to remain hidden from his eyes.

"It's okay."

The doctor speaks so confidently that Andrew wants to believe her. He wants to believe her so badly.

"You're in the hospital. You were in a car accident."

A woman in a white robe speaks softly, her name tag reads "Dr. Grey". Neil winced. His eyes flickered to her, but her expression was calm, except for slightly downturned lips. Neil opened his mouth, but couldn't answer.

"It's fine, don't rush."

Dr. Grey said, stopping his panic.

"You suffered a serious head injury in a car accident about a couple of weeks ago. You were in a medically induced coma."

Panic grew in his chest with every word she spoke. He was terrified at the thought of an accident. Neil's stomach twisted with anxiety. He closed his eyes tightly until there were bright circles in front of his eyes, driving away frightening thoughts.

"But everything is fine now."

At these words, Neil opens his eyes again. "Fine" repeated Andrew. Everything is fine now.

"We just kept you asleep for a little while."

Neil blinks, nodding slightly.

"How do you feel "?

Andrew's voice is hoarse. The doctor flinches at the rudeness of his tone. But she's not Neil. Neil had long ago learned to hear between the lines and notice his intentions by facial expressions. He understands him.

"My head hurts."

Neil speaks barely opening his mouth, the sounds are muffled, and the words go out in the end, like a candle flame in the wind. But this is the best sound in the Andrew's world. He turns towards the doctor. Abby, unable to resist, takes a step forward.

"With a head injury like his, is this normal?"

"That's absolutely normal."

The doctor quickly calms them down.

"Mom..."

A painful whisper cuts through the silence of the room and Abby instantly turns around, Neil looks at her and she notices tears in his eyes. Andrew suppresses the nascent jealousy within himself, he wanted Neil to call him first, like so many times before. He deliberately doesn't notice Abby's gaze directed at him. She also expected that Neil would want his support. But despite the confusion, she quickly approaches him, sitting next to Neil on the edge of the bed and squeezing his weak hand, warming his fingers.

"I'm here, dear. We're all here. You'll be fine."

"My head..."

He moans again, closing his eyes, if his mom is here he can allow himself to relax.

"Now I'll get you something for that."

The doctor steps aside, preparing to leave the room to return with some painkillers. Leaving them alone and finally allowing Andrew to move closer to the bed too.

But Neil's voice stops him a few steps away.

"Was anyone else hurt, doctor?"

No. Andrew freezes. He hears Abby and Aaron gasp in fear. No. He refuses to believe it.

"You know who I am, right ?"

Andrew takes a step forward to stand in front of him. Neil frowns, looking back at Abby, who is looking at him worriedly, and then turns back to him.

"I think so. Are you my doctor?"

CRASH

As if in reality, Andrew hears the rumble with which his world is collapsing. He wants to close his ears, squeeze his eyes shut and pretend it's not true. But Neil looks at him expectantly and Andrew tastes ash in his mouth.

"No."

Andrew falls onto the bed next to him, oblivious to the arguments behind him.

"I'm your husband."

He reaches his hand forward, offering the opportunity to escape the touch as always. Trying to convince himself that this is all a very bad joke. And his heart bleeds with pain when Neil, his Neil, staggers away from him back towards his mother. Clinging to her for protection and looking at him with fear.

During a panic attack, a person feels a strong heartbeat, trembling, becomes covered in sticky cold sweat, shortness of breath or difficulty breathing, numbness in parts of the body, and a feeling that something terrible is about to happen.

Andrew can't breathe, he's shaking. No. No. NO! Memories flash before his eyes: the first meeting, their cafe, Neil meeting his brothers, dinners with Neil's family on Sundays, weekend trips with friends, Christmas, their house. There are so many of them, so many memories, they shared them with Neil. How can Andrew be the only one who remembers this? Their whole life, built brick by brick, is being torn apart, mercilessly burying all their dreams and plans for the future.

On unsteady legs, Andrew flies out into the hall, unable to withstand his weight, they treacherously give way, refusing to obey. He leans against the wall. Everything blurs before the eyes. He raises his trembling hands, rubbing them without remorse, trying to get rid of the incomprehensible fog. Wet. Why are his eyes wet? He rubs harder, pulling a quiet scream from his chest. But he doesn't hear him.

Someone tells something, he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand! Shut up! Leave him alone, the tinnitus is growing and Andrew thinks he hears hot blood running through his veins. He tries to get up, he needs to go. Get up! The body does not obey. Like a puppet with cut strings, Andrew remains powerless on the floor, unsuccessfully trying to move his legs. He bites his wrists trying to feel something. Again. And again.

Someone grabs his arms away, squeezing his bloody wrists and pinning them to his sides, keeping him from hurting himself further. It doesn't hurt at all, but Andrew panics. "Do not touch me !" He hits without looking, not understanding who is in front of him. Fear and grief bring old nightmares to life. He knows them and knows what will happen next. He's seven again and helpless. Oh, how Andrew hates himself for this. Sometimes it's Drake or Proust or others. These nightmares were terrible, but familiar. Now it’s not any of them he sees when he closes his eyes. It is Neil. His frightened look. And he can't do anything about it.

Andrew twitches convulsively, hitting agaibst the hard wall behind him, as if trying to get out of his own skin, which instantly became tight and alien. But he doesn't feel anything. Nothing. What's wrong with him? What's happening? Where's Neil? WHERE IS NEIL?

He is freed. But not for a long. He feels the tight grip again, and before Andrew begins to fight again, a brief pain burns across his right arm, like a snakebite. Did he just get bitten by a snake? He begins to go numb, his hand pulsates, dispersing cold poison throughout his body and causing him to obediently freeze. Fine. Perhaps this will all turn out to be a dream. Just another very long nightmare. Maybe he's at home now. His Neil, warm and soft from sleep, lies in their bed, he will wake up with him and they, throwing a blanket, will go out onto the terrace. They will smoke one cigarette and everything will be fine. Andrew's world will not be destroyed. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Fine.

Abby sits in tears next to the sleeping Neil, refusing to leave his side. The doctors sedated him a couple of minutes ago, trying to minimize the damage to his already injured body. She's talking on the phone. She must be the only one who remembered to tell the others the news.

Catastrophe.

Aaron passes now the empty syringe to the nearest nurse and clenches his trembling hands into a fist. He feels like a witness to the crash. Only this is not a plane or a car, but his own brother. He looks at his twin with pity. Aaron feels disgusted with himself, "useless!" screams his mother's voice in his head. What should he do? Everything falls apart, his feigned calmness disappears, like sand slipping through his fingers. Kneeling down in front of his brother, he takes Andrew's wounded hand, examining the bite wounds. He can fix this. Here and now, he cannot return Neil's memory, but he can help his brother. Aaron exhales, he needs a plan. But first he'll treat his wrist. This he can do, Aaron clings to it, trying to regain his lost control. The medical orderlies help to lift Andrew off the floor and carry him into the patient care unit.

Before following him, Aaron glances back at the ward. He wants to cry, Neil is his family too. And he doesn't remember them.

Chapter Text

So, that's Andrew's theory. That these moments of impact define who we are. But what he never considered was what if, one day, Neil could no longer remember any of them ?

Neil slowly walked out of his sickly white ward, driving him into despondency. He is still regaining muscle tone after several weeks of immobility and, as soon as the doctor gave the go-ahead, began walking. Awkwardly wrapped in a hospital gown and slippers on his bare feet, he sneaks into the waiting room. Quickly walking through the hall and avoiding the staff, he found himself in a less terrible-looking and quite spacious hospital lobby. Neil breathed a sigh of relief at finally being free of his claustrophobic recovery room. White walls gave way to light gray, wooden furniture with pleasant blue upholstery stood everywhere, at first glance as if someone had scattered it in random order.

Neil walked into the lobby with half-empty couches and a vending mchine with snacks for those who decided to stay in the hospital while waiting for news about their loved ones. Fortunately for Neil, besides the person he was looking for, there were only a few people. An elderly couple sadly looked out the window and a young girl slept in a chair with a can of cola clutched in her hand. Walking past her, Neil sympathetically thinks to himself: “How desperate must a person be to sleep even on a beautiful, but uncomfortable hospital sofa?”

Trying not to disturb the fragile silence, Neil, barely breathing, walked to the farthest sofa, standing in the corner and hidden behind lush plants. The strange man, confidently claiming that they were husbands, was asleep, lying uncomfortably on his side with legs tucked under him. Neil stopped a step away from, examining him. His wrist was bandaged, and upon closer inspection Neil noticed dark circles under his eyes, indicating sleepless nights. Platinum hair was disheveled. And he was wearing an orange sweatshirt. Neil didn't even think he was wearing something like that. He remembers what this man looked like the first time he saw him. All in black and without a single bright detail. Strange.

Neil looked around uncertainly. He heard his mother's conversation with his father and knows that he had a nervous breakdown and was also given a sedative. Now he was sleeping peacefully and Neil hesitated before doing what he came here for. He quickly, so as not to change his mind, poked his finger at him and froze, waiting. He didn't move. Well, it must have been very good drugs. Neil pursed his lips stubbornly and continued to poke his finger at his shoulder until the man moved. Finally.

Andrew slowly woke up. The sedative Aaron had gave him the day before had the extremely unpleasant side effect of constant drowsiness. Feeling someone else's touch on his shoulder, Andrew jerked awkwardly and turned around as quickly as he could. Neil stood in front of him. In a white robe and hospital clothes, which contrasted his red hair and made his face even paler than it really is. It’s good that he and Nicky brought him clothes from home. Andrew sat down, adjusting his own clothes in disappointment and rubbing his face, driving away the medicinal sleep.

What did he expect? That Neil, seeing what he’s wearing, will immediately remember everything? He will rush into his arms with a laugh, teasing him for wearing his favorite hoodie, which Andrew jokingly forbade him to wear in public. Allowing this aesthetic crime only at home. He hoped so, yes. He wanted the thing that once attracted his attention to also attract Neil. So that the bright color of it, like a light, would lure him home. But in fact, Andrew also put it on because he was very tired. But he couldn’t sleep without Neil next to him, too accustomed to his presence in his life. He put on his terrible hoodie, which still smelled of clay, sweat and the light, fresh scent of Neil himself. Yesterday Andrew lovingly stroked the fabric, battered from time and frequent wear, several red stains spread on the right sleeve. Andrew sniffed, strawberry. Just a few weeks ago, Neil sat next to him on the terrace while Andrew fixed a creaking door and ate sweet berries, laughing and joking. And now he stands in front of him without a drop of recognition in his gaze.

"I don't like being touched."

Neil nods, not looking surprised at the harsh tone, and Andrew nips the newfound hope in the bud.

"What are you doing here ?"

"Sleeping."

Andrew answers with a mocking raised eyebrow. He didn't find it funny.

"And what do you think ?"

"I think it's time for you to go home."

Pain shoots through Andrew, burning a hole in his chest. Home. He was already there. Without Neil nearby, it was not home, but just a house, a place where he lives, as it was before. He couldn't bring himself to go into their bedroom, freezing in front of the door and clutching the handle. Nicky came for him after long waiting in the car and found him frozen in one place.

"Andrew"

"I can't go in there. I just can't Nicky."

"Then let's go see what else is in the other rooms, and then I'll pack the things in the bedroom myself."

That's how he found Neil's favorite orange madness, which he calls hoodie. He always throws it anywhere and jokes that he does it on purpose.

"If I leave it in the same place one day you will finally decide to throw it away. I'm trying to confuse the tracks."

They both knew Andrew wouldn't do that, but they both liked to pretend.

Neil smiles politely in front of him, hiding his nervous trembling from Andrew behind a fake laugh. It won't work with him.

"Here, I brought you some clothes."

He pushes a small black sport bag towards him and nods his head in its direction in case Neil has lost touch with reality out of panic.

"Thank you."

He picks up the bag and looks at it for an unreasonably long time.

"Just say it."

"I.....I'm kind of hungry."

Andrew sees that Neil is trying to say something, but he is not going to help with this and lose the opportunity to be close to him at least a little.

"Okay, bunny. Jump after me, who knows, maybe I’ll treat you to some coffee."

Andrew knows Neil can't have coffee right now, but he can't resist the familiar teasing, still not accepting that the man in front of him is not his husband. In the canteen, Neil looks for a long time at the food offered in the display cases and, having chosen nothing, he turns around.

"In fact, I wanted to verity few details with you....About me."

Neil shrugs his shoulder, showing his annoyance.

"About us."

Andrew nods and continues to wait silently.

"So we're really married, right?"

"Yes."

"Yeah. And I have a weird hair."

Andrew smiles for the first time since the accident.

"Not exactly, you were too busy and your hair started to grow back. You wanted to get it cut before...before the accident. But you decided to leave it that way."

Neil turns to look at him questioningly.

"You said that it is harder to remove short hair from your face than long . And that this way you are less distracted from working in your studio."

Neil's eyes widen.

"My studio ? Why do I have a studio?"

Andrew bites his tongue, angry at himself.

"You're an artist."

He carefully watches the expression of disbelief on his face giving way to slight shock.

"Sculptor."

Andrew decides to finish him off. He can't do anything worse than now, right? But Neil's gaze is frightened and he softens the corners.

"A really good one. Right now you're working on sculptures for the Tribune Tower lobby. This is great."

Neil's face brightens and his lips begin to twitch in a nascent smile. Following his every word and absorbing information like a sponge. And Andrew wants to hit himself.

"You did everything to get this order. You were the best at the exhibition."

The smile that never appeared suddenly fades away. And the eyes begin to run around in fear, processing the words.

"So you won it."

Neil is silent for a couple of minutes.

"But my sports career?"

He looks expectantly, but Andrew hesitates.

"What about my sports career?"

Andrew shrugs.

"It seems you decided to quit shortly before joining the professional team."

Neil shakes his head in disappointment, looking into the distance.

"I remember in elementary school I wanted to become an artist..."

Neil cuts himself off. And Andrew narrows his eyes in understanding. He was about 7 or 8 in elementary school, perhaps still living with his father or having just run away with his mother. In any case, none of them cared about his wishes.

Neil turns away from him and Andrew, like an obedient dog, closely follows on his heels.

...

"I think you need to look at it like a win."

Nicky manages to sound cheerful, trying to lift everyone's spirits. A light breeze from the open window of the hospital cafe blows through their sad company, which gets on Nicky’s nerves with their sour faces.

"Traumatic brain injury is a win?"

"You're an idiot!"

Allison throws a crumpled napkin at him and hits the open cup.

"Hey! My coffee is ruined!"

Renee shakes her head and touching her silver cross, looked at the ceiling.

"God's way."

Andrew twitches the corner of his lips, he loves her. If she weren't a lesbian, and he wasn't a gay, he would have married her at the first meeting. Nicky huffs indignantly, fishing the wet napkin out of his coffee and defiantly taking a sip amid a general groan of disgust.

"I wanted to say that if he doesn’t remember who you are, then he doesn’t remember all the stupid shit you ever did."

Andrew closes his eyes, shaking his head.

"You can start over, wipe the slate clean."

Matt waves Nicky away and looks at Andrew. Actually he and Dan are Neil's friends. But they have been friends together for several years now. Only they knew him before, before he met Andrew. He remembers them. And Andrew wants to hate them. Not like Neil, but with a different hatred, behind which lies jealousy and fear. But he can't.

"I'm just worried if he doesn’t remember you, how's he's going to remember he's in love with you?"

Dan reaches out, gently cupping his bicep and stopping him.

"Matt"

"What? You all keep thinking about it."

Seth shrugs in agreement, glancing briefly at Andrew.

"You know, I was frankly a little stunned he went for you the first time."

"Yes, and if anything, you've become less attractive with age."

Allison gives him a critical look and everyone laughs, relieving the tension a little.

"You are a great support system, people."

"Guys, stop it, Andrew is only 26."

Renee comes to his defense.

"Thank you."

"Although it really wouldn’t hurt you to stop frowning, the wrinkles are already visible."

Everyone laughs again. And Renee smiles slyly at him. He turns at the ringing of the bell above the front door, hopelessly waiting for Neil. But only sees his older brother. Kevin quickly walks towards them. He wisely remains silent about the fact that he just left his brother’s, but his eyes are red and he sniffs a little, revealing himself red-handed. Kevin isn't usually this emotional. There is no time for tears, most often he screams and throws hysterics, but does not cry. Neil told him that before, when he first moved into Abby and David's house, Kevin was not very happy about the appearance of the younger brother. They maintained a cold neutrality, broken only by their arguments and fights.

Andrew couldn't believe it. Kevin openly adored his little brother and even got him talking about a shovel. Which, Andrew will never admit, scared him even more than a similar conversation with David.

Such a difficult relationship lasted between them for a couple of months. The parents were worried and didn't know what to do until Neil fell down the stairs at school. He started daydreaming, got distracted, and the last thing he remembered was pain, a spinning ceiling and a cry:

"Move away, this is my little brother!"

Neil woke up as his best friend. Kevin tried not to leave him even for a minute, crying all the time.

"He admitted that when he saw me on the floor, he was afraid of losing me. Thought I was dead."

Andrew squeezed him in his arms, trying not to imagine the 10-year-old dead boy at the foot of the stairs.

"To be honest, I’m glad it happened this way, maybe if I hadn’t fallen, we wouldn’t have become real brothers."

Andrew shook his head, poking him lightly in the thigh.

"You could die and I would be left alone."

"But you would never have met me then, we would not have known each other."

"Even if I didn’t know you, I would still miss you every day."

Memories fade, returning him to an unfair reality.

"Seriously, though, what if he doesn’t remember?"

Andrew flinches and Nicky instantly regrets his words. But Kevin shakes his head, wiping eyes.

"He's gonna remember. He's gonna remember all of you. You are his family."

Aaron, who had been silent before, clutches his mug tighter and looks away, trying to hold back his tears. They all know that for him family is a sore spot, so no one touches him.

"Yes. You're right Kevin. We must believe in Neil."

Dan says smiling at them encouragingly.

...

Andrew doesn't find Neil in the recovery room. And he instantly panics, grabbing the hand of a passing nurse.

"Neil Wymack-Minyard. He was right over here. Where is he?"

The nurse quickly looks back at him without saying anything about his strong grip and smiles reassuringly.

"Everything is fine. He is no longer in serious condition and has been transferred to a regular ward. Just go down here and take the elevator to the 3rd floor, room 315."

Andrew immediately leaves, forgetting his manners. But the nurse just smiles sadly, rubbing her arm where there will definitely be a bruise tomorrow. She recognized him. The man from the hall. His husband lost his memory after a terrible accident, the whole floor is talking about them.

Andrew quickens his pace, and when exiting the elevator he starts running.

"Your long-term memory recall is intact..."

He hears him approaching the door of the room. Kevin glances at him.

"You didn't answer the phone! I called you 5 times! You always say..."

He swallows the rest of his sentence, but Andrew knows what he means. He keept telling Neil to charge his phone and take it with him, even when he goes for a run. In the end, he gave up and bought him a smart fitness watch, which, unfortunately, did not solve their problem. His own charged phone lies silently in his pocket. He passes David and the doctor as he enters the room. Abby and Kevin sit on either side of Neil. Abby twitches to give him a seat, but remains sitting next to him with her lips pursed.

"My phone is dead."

David looks at him knowingly with his gray-blue eyes. If Andrew hadn't known that Neil was adopted, he would have thought he was David's illegitimate son, they were so similar. Or maybe the years spent together under one roof had an effect. He wonders what would have happened to them if he and Neil had lived together a little longer. Apparently he will never know.

"Come in, Andrew. Dr. Grey was just talking about Neil's rehabilitation."

Andrew is so grateful. There is no pity in his voice, only understanding.

"Mr. Minyard, I'm glad you're here. As I said, the long-term memory recall is intact. And Neil, we're very optimistic the rest of your memory is going to improve with time."

She steps aside to give them some space.

"What are you doing here?"

Neil frowns at him and Abby shushes him.

"Neil, manners."

He rolls his eyes

"My question is the same."

"I'm still your husband."

"Just because you are on surprisingly good terms with my parents and are apparently friends with my brother does not mean that I am glad to see you without an invitation."

"We are not friends!"

They both say at the same time and look at each other. Neil relaxes a little.

"Well, maybe you're not so bad then."

"Hey! I'm actually your elder brother, have some respect."

"But that's what I do, Kevin-deer, I really give so much fuc...I mean respect to you."

Neil ambiguous winks at him, causing his father to laugh and Kevin to scream indignantly. Abby, being the most sensible person present, squeezes her youngest son's ankle and looks at her elder one warningly.

"So doctor, what is the next step?"

"The sooner Neil settles back into his life, his normal routine, the better."

Andrew breathes a sigh of relief. If he is discharged, then Neil is okay. They can finally go home. But he tenses up when he catches Kevin's guilty glance.

"Starting in a week or so, I'm gonna recommend that Neil see a neural psychologist."

Andrew nods.

"Sure."

David nods along with him.

"Whatever he needs. Therapy, specialists, he will do everything."

Abby squeezes Neil's leg to show her seriousness.

"Did you hear your father?"

"I did I did."

Abby hesitates and says with a quick glance at Andrew.

"We can...at home I can take care of you."

Andrew immediately takes a sharp step forward, but Abby stubbornly purses her lips, maybe Neil looks like her even more than his father.

"I can take some time off work and we..."

Andrew coughs.

"I don’t want to seem rude, but the doctor just said that Neil needs to go back to his normal routine."

Kevin gets up from his seat.

"Andrew, listen..."

"To settle back into his life, the life with me. Isn't that right Kevin? Remind me where Neil lives?"

"Yes, but that's a life he doesn’t remember."

Andrew grins in disbelief as Kevin steps in front of Neil, shielding him.

"He will."

Neil shifts nervously on the bed as Abby gets up too.

"The doctor said it’s possible."

The softness of her tone does not soften the sharp words and Andrew recoils as if from a slap.

"Isn't it better to recover at home? Think about it, this will be easier for him in the place he remembers."

Neil looks away, withdrawing into himself and no one except his still silent father notices.

"We're only trying to do the best for Neil."

Andrew squints contemptuously, ready to fight to the last.

"Mom..."

"That's interesting, 'cause you haven't even ask him once."

"No, but we..."

"Kevin! Ple.."

Neil interrupts himself to glance at him and Andrew sees Kevin blotchy with embarrassment. He knows that Andrew doesn't like it when his secrets are spilled, but now, despite his anger, he is grateful. Andrew doubts he could handle the nightmares behind the P-word right now.

"Enough!"

David's heavy voice hits them, causing Kevin to close his mouth and him and Abby to freeze.

"Stop bickering. Andrew is right. Nobody asked Neil what he wants."

David comes closer to them.

"Only you haven't do it either, Andrew."

Andrew swallows his words, he didn’t. He used to think that he knew Neil and knew all his thoughts in advance. Forgetting that HIS Neil is no here anymore. David moves Kevin to the side and sits next to his son. The doctor enters the conversation trying to defuse the atmosphere.

"Listen, none of this needs to be decided right now."

Neil rubs his temples, wincing in pain and causing everyone to look away guiltily.

"Neil"

David places his hand on his son's knee and draws his attention to him.

"Tell me what you want, son. And we will do it."

"I don't.. I don't know.. I'm just so tired."

"So think about it and decide tomorrow. Nobody will put pressure on you."

He looks at them all with a menacing look, warning.

"Rest. We need a little rest."

Outside the room, Abby exhales heavily.

"Andrew, I didn't .. I didn't want it to seem like I didn't want Neil to go home. I know he was happy with you there, it's just..."

Kevin nods at his mother's words and also looks at him apologetically.

"You didn’t know him, 6-years-ago Neil is completely different. Maybe it would be better for him to come with us to the house where he remembers living?"

Andrew doesn't have the energy for this debate.

"Maybe. But I gave him the vow. And as long as Neil allows me, I will be there."

"You can come with us."

Abby suggests. Andrew shakes his head and looks at David.

"Thank you for reminding me of the most important thing. I want Neil to remember me and his life and I believe that for this he needs to return to normal life with me. But if tomorrow he says that he wants to go with you, I will remain silent."

The next day, Neil finds him. Andrew arrived a couple of hours earlier, unable to bear being in the house where Neil might never return, and was hiding in the canteen now. He raises his head from the cup of coffee in his hands and winces at the creak of a chair on the tiles. Why couldn't Neil remember that chairs needed to be lifted? He wouldn't mind Neil forgot this habit of his. But apparently something stays with us forever.

"What are you doing here?"

"Repeat yourself, bunny."

Neil twitches an eyebrow, clearly displeased with the nickname.

"Is that what you call me?"

Andrew narrows his eyes mockingly.

"What an amazing insight."

"And I liked it?"

Andrew stops smiling.

"It doesn't matter. What matters is whether you like it now ?"

Neil looks at him appraisingly, but doesn't respond.

"You are my husband and my parents adore you, how did you do it?"

"Truth for truth."

"What?"

"A game. We play it sometimes. You ask a question and I answer you the truth, then I can ask mine and you answer the truth."

"What if you lie?"

"I won't."

"What if I lie?"

"So don't."

Neil shakes his head.

"You're weird."

"So your question is the same?"

"Yes."

"I cared about you and respected your boundaries just as you did mine. David and Abby just saw it. I didn't do anything specifically to please them."

"You loved me?"

The past tense hits the back of the head painfully.

"This is the second question."

"You can ask me 2 later."

"I hated you."

Neil looks at him in disbelief.

"I thought you said not to lie."

"I am not lying."

Andrew shrugs.

"Now my question."

He leans forward.

"Do you want me to keep calling you bunny? Yes or no?"

Neil blushes and if Andrew hadn’t known him so well, he wouldn’t have even noticed it.

"I think I'm not entirely against it."

Andrew nods in acceptance of the answer and raises an eyebrow at him questioningly.

"You're here."

"I...you know, I only remember that I’m studying at the university and going to join a professional sport team...I just.:

"Just spit it out, bunny."

"I can't. I can not. Sorry for the distraction you".

Neil stands up hastily, but not before Andrew notices the tears in his eyes.

"Stop, Neil. You know the best thing to do right now is to go back to your normal life. With me. And you heard what the doctor said. It's the best thing for your recovery."

"Right. But I don't know you. And I'm supposed to get in your car and go and live in your flat?"

Neil waves his arms, his eyes widening in panic. And Andrew remembers this look from the day they met.

"In our house."

Neil shakes his head.

"Without any proof of us even being in love?"

"We are married."

"People get married for all kinds of different reasons."

Andrew laughs hard.

"Like ?"

"Well...like for a green card?"

"I'm from Colombia."

Neil presses his hand to his forehead.

"Maybe I kept a journal?"

And he himself winces at his own assumption.

"Do you believe this yourself?"

"Not really."

Neil shrugs and walks away.

...

Abby helps him put his things in the bag while David and Kevin argue about who will drive them home. Neil looks out shyly from the bathroom. He's wearing tight jeans and a stylish fitted T-shirt.

"Do I look very strange?"

Kevin snorts.

"You look the same as always."

"Yes? Andrew brought this for me, apparently that's how I dress now."

"You look wonderful, honey."

Abby adds. Dr. Gray walks in, smiling at him.

"Neil? Are you finally leaving us?:

"Yes, that's what other doctors tell me."

"So, no driving untill I give you the say-so. No cars yet, okay?"

Behind her, Neil sees Kevin nod as if about to keep an eye on him personally. Neil tries not to roll his eyes and seem rude to the nice doctor.

"But other than that, I'm gonna see you in four to six weeks."

"Thank you."

"Thank you, doctor."

Abby and David shake her hand and hug her. They are interrupted by Andrew running into the room.

"Neil. I found it."

Kevin frowns.

"Found what ?"

But Neil waves him off and turns around.

"This is your voicemail. It's from before the accident."

Neil nods.

"OK. Yeah. Let's have a listen."

Andrew turns on the message and Neil's tired voice fills the room. He gets scared, recognizing exactly the timbre and voice, but not remembering how he pronounced these words.

"Hey, Drew. Sorry, I know I promised not to stay up late, but I'm still in the studio. I miss you so bad my sculptures are starting to look like you. When are you coming back? It's too empty without you and the bed is so cold, if you know what I mean?"

Neil from the message laughs.

"Yeah. Anyway, call me back. Love you."

"Perhaps this is not enough..."

"No no, it's...it's cute. I mean, I sound happy."

Neil smiles and turns to look at his parents, receiving supportive smiles and eye rolls from Kevin. Andrew steps forward.

"It's my turn to ask. Do you want to come home with me?"

Neil hesitates.

"I promise that I will take care of you, come with me. Let's go home."

"I guess I could just try it out."

Neil looks at his parents apologetically. Kevin sighs, lowering his hands, but still accepts his brother's decision.

"To see if it would help my memory."

David and Abby nod and Kevin hugs him tightly.

"You can always come home if you change your mind, but for now, just go with your stupid husband."

Chapter Text

The light rain, as if playing a game only it understood, filled the city air with freshness and purity, washing away all worries. Drops flowed from the roofs, accumulated on the leaves of the trees and fell down with a loud bang, collecting in streams and running away from under the feet of people rushing about their business. Pedestrians ran and hid, pulling jackets over their heads and hastily taking out umbrellas. Some laughed, exposing their faces to the drops as if they were kisses, others swore under their breath, accelerating their pace. But the rain seemed not to notice anyone else’s discontent and was not going to stop. And only two welcomed him with open hugs. Another drop loudly hit the glass, filling the silence of the car, where once upon a time the closest people don't know what to say now.

Andrew tightly grabbed the steering wheel and drove the car home. He kept glancing to the right, not completely believing that they were finally able to leave this hospital.

Neil sat next to him, staring out the window and fiddling with his seat belt. Andrew ignored his gaze and double-checked that he was wearing a seat belt before stepping on the gas. Trying not to imagine about what Neil will think, Andrew slows down. Again. Wet roads require greater safety. And he would never allow himself or Neil to neglect it again.

Neil's gaze directed out the window is sad. This is what always happens when it rains. It makes him upset and melancholy. Before the accident, if they were at home, Andrew would have poured them that crap that Kevin calls tea and which Neil likes for some reason: “It’s just mint tea! And no, don’t drink it with sugar!”
He would throw a fluffy blanket over them and they would sit huddled together on the steps of their house, watching the bizarre dance of the drops.

Out of the corner of his eye, Andrew sees Neil looking at himself in the glass and unconsciously raises his hand to his head. Andrew knows that there are thin lines of new scars on his temple and above his right eyebrow. Not the biggest and certainly not the worst. Take, for example, the terrifying burn from the iron, the bullet wound on his shoulder blade, or the cut on Neil’s thigh. Andrew appreciates all of Neil's scars that he carries. But only a few he truly loves. A small burn mark on Neil's wrist, left over from when he was still allowed into the kitchen. Or a tiny cut on the shoulder from not the best place, but amazing sex. Andrew collects them, these symbols of their quiet life, proof of their happiness.

And now, knowing what Neil has already gone through, he cannot believe that these two barely visible cuts could destroy their lives. So yes, they are the only ones that truly scare him. And the only ones that haven't been kissed. Andrew wants to press his lips to them and kiss away all the pain they brought.

"I'm so unsightly."

Andrew almost turns around in disbelief, stopping himself in time and continuing to look at the road, only squeezing the steering wheel tighter. The rain, as if realizing what was happening, accelerates its pace, drumming on the glass and trying to distract from gloomy thoughts.

"You are beautiful."

"It's not true, have you seen them?"

Neil, confused by the answer, apparently did not understand how he said it out loud, turns to him with an offended pout of his lips, considering his words a lie. But Andrew does not find the strength to argue with him and simply says.

"For me you are beautiful."

Neil instantly becomes embarrassed, apparently not realizing what he just heard, and automatically reaches for his wounded chest hidden under his T-shirt.

"They all are beautiful."

Neil turns away and looks out the window again. He squints trying to figure out what area this is.

"Where do you live?"

Andrew sighs as he adjusts it.

"We. On the north side."

Neil bites his bottom lip, nodding in agreement.

"Who is the president?"

Andrew raises his eyebrows

" Of States?"

"Yes."

Neil looks at him expectantly.

"Obama."

"Damn it."

Neil looks ahead in shock.

"That senator?"

"Yes. You voted for him."

Neil squints in disbelief.

"I did?"

The rain subsides, leaving them alone. And city high-rise buildings are gradually being replaced by low ones with small apartments and cozy houses with their own courtyards.

Neil had always dreamed of living in one of these. And so that there would be a veranda around which he would lay out a garden and plant flowers. And he would hang carved bells above the front door so that when it’s windy, instead of a frightening howl, he can listen to ringing songs.

Andrew slows down near a nice one-story house with brick walls, a glass door now hung with black fabric and a network of flashlights, even in daylight, illuminating them with a faded but warm yellow light. Their house is just as he dreamed about, with a terrace decorated with small blue flowers, the forget-me-nots. Ironic.

Neil sighs in amazement, running his fingers over the bells at the entrance, it seems that this is correctly called the melody of the wind. The ringing fills him with a strange mixture of happiness, from the knowledge that he got what he wanted and sadness from the understanding that all this is not his, not for real.

Andrew watches Neil from the side, taking things out of the trunk and quietly happy that Neil seems to like everything. He approaches him from the side, trying to stay in sight so as not to scare away his good mood.

"Here we are, our home."

The inscription on the black rubber door-mat in front of the door is amusing with its small skeletons and skulls around it: "Welcome." Neil wonders who bought it? He glances at Andrew, wondering if he could do this?

"It was a gift."

Neil freezes in surprise.

"This door-mat. Our girlfriend Renee gave it to us when you moved in. She said that we need to aware people what to expect when they come to us."

Neil smiles, Renee, he saw them all out of the corner of his eye at the hospital parking lot. They were not allowed to visit him in the ward. But they still came to hear news from Kevin or Andrew. Neil would like to meet them.

Andrew swings the heavy glass door open in front of him and Neil hesitates, not daring to go inside.

"After you. Don't be afraid, bunny, jump into."

Neil snorts in irritation and stomps in demonstratively.

...

Andrew immediately stopped any attempts by Allison and Nicky to throw Neil a surprise party upon his release from the hospital. Their general enthusiasm, no matter what it was about, never ended well. Surprisingly, Kevin and Aaron unanimously supported him.

"His life has changed dramatically. Everything is new and scary. And you want to jump out the corner screaming surprise?"

Allison folded her arms across her chest, looking at them stubbornly.

"He needs a holiday and we want to see him."

"Yes, he needs to have fun!"

Andrew gritted his teeth in irritation as the two became increasingly excited about what else they could do to "amuse" Neil. Kevin did not restrain himself and rudely confronted them.

"Apparently you don’t understand anything at all? This is no longer your old friend Neil. He is Neil from 6 years ago. He is just graduating from university and plans to start a career in sports. His father just recently died and he's still stressed about it. You didn't know him then. And I knew. At the first hint of something like this, he will jump out of the window and you will never see him again."

So they decided not to take risks and not to spend the weekend searching for the escaped head injured Neil. Much to his regret, Andrew was unable to postpone the party for a couple of days so that Neil could get used to it. Even Aaron supported the idea of getting ready early, and he understands Neil's precarious state better than anyone else. Well, at least they waited until evening, giving them a couple of hours to breathe out.

"How glad I am to see you!"

Matt is the first to break the awkward silence, and while everyone is milling around the entrance, he quickly approaches Neil, pulling him into his bear hug. Dan doesn't lag behind, joining in the hug and wrapping him wuth her smaller, but no less strong, arms around. Neil relaxes. His friends look older. Matt has become taller and wider, although it would seem where else, and Dan has changed his hairstyle, grown her hair, and now tucks the stray strands behind her ears. And Neil won't tell her for anything, but he sees a few wrinkles in the corners of her eyes.

"Oh, Neil, we missed you so much."

Dan wipes the tears away and Neil smiles, trying to cheer her up.

"I'm fine."

She, of course, doesn’t believe him and Neil is surprised to hear a groan from other people standing behind, his friends.

"You're not fine, man, but that's okay."

Matt pats him softly on the shoulder and steps aside to give the others a chance to introduce themselves.

"Listen, we’ve known more than several days. So stop lying to our faces already. You're not fine at all, and you look quite so the part , no offense."

A tall, shaved head guy with gray eyes and a sly squint comes forward. He extends his hand to him.

"I'm Seth. And this is Allison, my girlfriend and Andrew's friend. You and I met through them.<"/p>

Neil nods gratefully, saving this information. The blonde woman next to him, looking like a real-life supermodel fresh off the cover, waves to him. If everyone else didn’t bother too much and didn’t really care about appearance, they were in a hurry to see him and came in jeans and regular T-shirts. Allison could even now be photographed for a glossy magazine: high stiletto heels, a dress that fits her flawless figure like a glove and curled curls cascading down to her shoulders. Despite her stunning appearance, he was not attracted to her. Not in that sense. At the thought of this, the skin burned with the phantom pain of my mother’s slap, no, not mother's, Mary's.

"Hello, Neil. What do you think ? I dressed up especially for you!"

Seth pulls her towards him and playfully pinches her thigh.

"Stop it or Andrew will shorten your long tongue."

A girl with colored hair steps forward and Neil guesses that it must be Renee. A girl with a sense of humor gave them the door-mat with bones.

"Hello, I'm Renee. Andrew's friend and yours too."

Her unusual hairstyle attracts attention and at the same time does not fit in with the rest of her appearance. Simple clothes, almost complete absence of makeup and a modest silver cross on a chain. Neil glanced at the door-mat again, Renee was a complete mystery.

"We were at the hospital, but the doctors didn’t let us in. So does Kevin."

Kevin huffs indignantly and walks around them all, hugging him.

"My little brother had a head injury, there was no need for him to suffer from you too. Especially Nicky."

The guy next to Andrew gasps. He has a pleasant smile and sly fox eyes, as if he is always thinking about some kind of prank.

"Neil, this is Nicky, my cousin."

Neil lets go of Kevin and stares incredulously at the guy presented. He looks from him to Andrew and back again. Unlike his husband, Neil stumbles over this word, unlike the blond Andrew, Nicky was black-haired and brown-eyed, and the dark tone of his skin seemed too hard for a tan at this time of year. In addition, he was taller by a full head.

"What? Aren't we similar, are we?"

Nicky laughs sadly, remembering their very first acquaintance. Neil then looked at him the same way.

"I went to my mother’s. My father pulled her out of Mexico during some ostentatious ministerial trip. Can I hug you ?"

Neil hesitates, but agrees, feeling Kevin's presence behind him and Matt and Dan next to. They won't let anything bad happen to him.

"I’m glad to meet you again. Now I can repeat all my best jokes, 'cause you just don’t remember them!"

Indignant screams are heard around and someone even hits Nicky on the head, causing only more noise. But Neil smiles wider, thereby removing the taboo from this topic.

"Well, then tell me my favorite later."

Nicky nods, delighted. Neil glances at the last unintroduced person in the room. He recognizes him, although even without this it would be difficult not to guess who it is. Judging by the identical hair, height and even facial expressions, this is Andrew's brother. They are so similar. It’s just that, Neil thinks, Andrew’s eyes are cold and with an eternally dissatisfied squint, while Aaron’s are warm and a little sad. He sees this small difference but decides not to tell them about it. It doesn’t matter, he recognize this guy not because of his appearance anyway. He was in the room when Neil woke up. And Neil remembers how thought he was just seeing double.

"Let me guess, your brother?"

"A twin, actually. I'm Aaron."

Aaron corrects him and extends his hand for a handshake. Neil accepts the invitation.

"Apparently we are friends too?"

"You are my brother's husband, you are my family."

Nicky squeals with delight. You don’t often hear such confessions from Aaron. Andrew is also pleasantly shocked by the revelation.

"But yes, we are friends too."

Andrew flatly refused to cook for everyone, so they decided to order. Having overcome long disputes about choosing a restaurant, during which memories of past visits to these places and jokes flashed every now and then. They finally decided on a small Italian restaurant and pizza and settled into the dining room, which was a little cramped for such a large group, but made the atmosphere more cozy and family-friendly. At first, Neil, awkwardly huddled in his seat, tried to blend in with the furniture and not glare. He noticed how everyone tried to delicately bypass him in conversations, letting him get used to their dynamics. And if someone forgot in joy, then under Andrew’s harsh gaze they immediately came to their senses and changed the topic.

Getting used to it a little, Neil began to listen carefully to friendly jokes and stories, trying to get to know those with whom he spent time better.

"And then Kevin... hahaha... fell right on his face... into this heap of..."

Kevin screams indignantly, trying to stop Allison from laughing.

"Come on, Kevin, we already know all about it. It's not fair to leave Neil without any compromising evidence on his elder brother."

"Yeah? Okay then, I remember last Christmas Allison..."

"No!! I got it!! Stop!!!"

Everyone at the table looks at each other and Neil feels for the first time that evening that he is not alone in his misunderstanding.

"Do not stop, Kevin! I want to know everything!!"

Nicky jumps up and down with delight. To which Kevin, smiling mysteriously, folds his arms over his chest.

"Yes, I also wonder what happened there!!"

Seth speaks while exchanging conspiratorial glances with Nicky. Dan and Matt just laugh at them while Aaron rolls his eyes in annoyance.

"I deserve a fucking reward for putting up with you all."

"In fact. I'm already pretty fucked up with them too."

Andrew answers next to him, tiredly watching the wild screams of his friends.

Neil sighs, having lost the logical chain of their arguments, and now simply watches the development of events. Someone puts a hand on his shoulder and turning around he sees Renee.

"Want to get some air?"

Having smiled at her gratefully, Neil stands up, leaving the cheerful company behind. They go out onto the terrace, closing the glass door and muffling their laughter. Renee unceremoniously sits down on the steps and smiles at him in the warm light of the lanterns softly illuminating her face.

"I'll tell you a secret."

Neil almost falls when he sits down on the steps next to her.

"Are you sure? We are..."

But Renee interrupts him.

"You didn’t know this before. And perhaps no one except Andrew knows, and even he is only guessing."

Neil freezes. The thought of learning something not from his erased past is tempting to sparkle in the light of the flashlights.

"Actually, I..."

"Wait! I...it's not that I don't want to know, but it doesn't seem fair."

"Really? We already know a lot about you, and you are just getting to know us. I thought it would be fair."

Neil nods, accepting her logic.

"If you think so."

"Okay...I...I smoke."

Neil looks at her incredulously. He doesn’t know what he expected from her, he might find out that she killed someone or something in that regard. She withstood such intrigue. Renee smiles, making him doubt what she said.

"This is true. I don't talk about it because of this."

Renee covers the silver cross with her palm in a reverent gesture.

"Oh"

"Yes. I wouldn't want guys to start making fun of it."

"I will not tell anyone."

After sitting for a while in pleasant silence, Renee still stands up, extending her hand to him. They enter the house again, plunging into something between a circus and a horror film.

"Renee."

He stops, pulls her into his arms and whispers.

"Thank you for this."

Screams and laughter mix into some kind of hellish combination, filling the room with noise. Neil gets tired at the end of the evening and Andrew notices how he gradually becomes silent, ceasing to participate in conversations. Neil winces and tries not to rub his temples, trying to hide how he's feeling.

"It's time for you to leave."

Neil looks at him wide-eyed, but their friends are used to it. And now turning their attention to Neil and finally noticing his painful squint and pale complexion, they hastily gather themselves.

"Yes, we were staying too long."

Matt and Dan are the first to arrive at the door.

"Call and write to us, okay?"

Neil nods, hugging them again. Allison and Renee jokingly push them away.

"That's enough for you. Give way to us too."

"Bye, Neil. Write to us too, don’t for..."

"I don't forget. I don't think I'll get hit by another van. What are the chances yes?"

Neil understands her reticence and jokes. Renee smiles shyly.

"See you, dude."

Seth quickly hugs him close and heads out the door, urging the girls on.

"Oh Nile! I was so glad to see you! You still need to meet my Erik. He was worried about you too! Don't kill each other! Adios!!"

Nicky gives him a last hug, laughing, and runs out after Seth. Aaron hesitates under their gaze, but still pulls him into an awkward embrace.

"Take care of yourself. Andrew is a really jerk."

Kevin hugs him for a long time, not wanting to let go, and Neil feels tears wet the collar of his T-shirt.

"Kevin, come on. I'm fine."

Kevin instantly forgets about the tears and goes into strict big brother mode. He even looks angry.

"Do you see this, idiot?"

He points in front of him with his left hand. And Neil understands what he is trying to tell him. Dad managed to tell him a little about what happened to Kevin a couple of years ago. And how he dealt with his injury while trying to return to professional sports.

"Injuries are no joke. I don't care if you call me or Andrew or any of us, but if you say one more time, "I'm fine." , when it comes to your health and I swear, I will make you regret that you were even born. Clear ?"

"Clear."

"I doubt he'll survive this investigative experiment, Kevin."

Andrew leans his shoulder against the wall, mockingly commenting on what is happening.

"Yes, some are just extremely stupid... Don't do anything stupid, nutcase."

"I can’t, you’ll take everything with you, blockhead."

Kevin finally smiles at the familiar joke and, nodding Andrew leaves. They are left alone.

In their spacious bedroom, in addition to a huge bed, a wardrobe and a window almost the entire wall, in the corner there is a huge mirror with a low table. Neil runs his fingernail along the rough wood, looking at what appear to be sketches carelessly scattered here and there on the table. He snorts, removing the empty mug, which had clearly been sitting there for days, from the paper. On a torn piece he sees a small sketch: two cats sitting close to each other with black button noses pressed together and tails forming a heart. Putting them aside, Neil notices the photographs.

All along the wall next to the mirror, from the top and almost to the floor, everything is pasted over with small squares of memories. Neil recognizes his new-old friends, family and husband. Most of them show them all together. Neil comes closer, peering into the faces. Apparently the photo is from Halloween, Neil in the photo is dressed in a black expensive suit with painted bruises under his eyes and black lipstick, he is holding the stems of a rose without flowers. Andrew, as always, is in black with impeccable styling that holds his gelled hair and for some reason drawn frowning eyebrows and thin mustache curls. The Addams Family, huh? Well, their door-mat is making more and more sense. Neil moves on to other photos: Christmas in funny hats with pom-poms and reindeer antlers on a disgruntled Kevin. Somewhere in nature, Matt stands near the grill while they laugh standing next to each other, and Allison and Seth are caught kissing in the background. The cafe where a dissatisfied Andrew blows out the candles on the cake. Walk in the rain with bright umbrellas. Beach, Neil freezes, he's shirtless. Did he really trust them so much that he could calmly walk around like that and let him look at his scars? There are even a couple of random slightly blurry shots of him and Andrew. The most important thing is that this stranger Neil, smiles everywhere, happily posing for the camera.

Suddenly feeling sad, he moves away from the wall and hears a rustling sound. Neil doesn’t believe in fate or destiny, but he clearly sees one photograph detaching and flying down right at his feet. He didn’t notice this one. Here it’s just the two of him and Andrew. Wearing identical coats, they stand with their heads almost touching and look into each other's eyes. This photo...is all he needs to understand exactly who they were. Not just a couple or husbands, their eyes were burning with feelings, they really loved each other. Neil tried to strain his leaky memory, as if hoping that this photo as a trigger could return everything to its place - but nothing.

"I'm glad you didn't run away from them."

A hoarse voice breaks him out of his trance and Neil shakes his head. He puts the photo back on the wall and shakes off the obsession, turning around.

"They are wonderful. You have great friends."

"We have, Neil. They are your friends too. We're married, remember? Everything that's mine is yours?"

Andrew grins. Before his eyes he sees a dilapidated bridge, and in his mouth there are ashes with the taste of one cigarette between them. Andrew clears his throat.

"How are you?"

Neil shrugs, not knowing what to say. Today was one of the most difficult days in Neil's memory. Emotions replaced each other in a feverish dance. Homesickness, awkwardness and joy from meeting THEIR friends, fatigue from the noise and bitterness of loss from all these happy moments, perhaps forever lost to him.

"A lot of new. No matter what you say, I still arrived at someone else’s house, with an unfamiliar man. It's a lot. And our friends are wonderful, but still I don’t know them. They hug and joke about things I should remember. But I don't."

"You're right, it sucks. But it will get better. They are trying, just like me. And the doctor said..."

"I need a rest."

Andrew nods without reacting to the rude interruption. He points to the huge bed.

"Sleep here. I'll lie down in the living room."

He turns around, about to leave, when Neil lets out an audible breath.

"I'm sorry."

Andrew freezes without turning around, his muscles tense and his jaw clenched. The door handle burns in fingers that have turned white from the grip.

"I'm very sorry that he's not here. We all pretend that you didn't lose your husband in that accident, but you did."

"You are here."

"Yes. But not him. And I'm so sorry..."

Andrew leaves without answering. He lies on a narrow sofa, unable to sleep. Now that they have finally arrived home from the hospital. In a familiar environment and surrounded by their things, he feels his loneliness most clearly. Nobody expressed their condolences to him. Andrew knows this is stupid. Neil is alive and relatively healthy and they still have hope that his memory will return. They are not going to give up. But in the silence of the living room, under the light ticking of the ugly clock in the kitchen, he feels grieving and fragile from loss. Andrew holds himself together as best he can, he is not the one who really suffered, it is Neil.

Neil flew through the windshield, Neil suffered a head injury and he is the one who is learning to live his forgotten life again. But Andrew was there too, on the other side, tightly connected to Neil. He survived the accident, looking in horror at the empty seat next to him. He was in the hospital every day, refusing to go home and leave Neil alone, and he is also learning all over again to live his life with a husband who has forgotten him. Andrew grieves and sorrows, it seems to him that if you touch him, he will immediately crumble, disintegrate into small fragments, unable to hold back any longer. And Neil was the only one who noticed it.

Andrew rolls over onto his side on the uncomfortable couch, squeezes his eyes shut, shrugging off the tears running down his face and tries to ignore the muffled sobs coming from the bedroom.

Chapter Text

A terrible time at night - too late for yesterday, too early for today...

Neil couldn't sleep. Having snatched a couple of hours into oblivion in fits and starts, he again opened his red eyes. Still the same ceiling. The same big soft bed. Only apparently he is a complete stranger here. Neil regrets for a second that he did not go to his parents, forgetting about this story with his husband once and for all. Forget, funny. He's already done it. Although I wonder, is it possible to forget something twice? And if it is possible, then what will happen? A 360° memory cycle and everything will return to its place? If only I could...fuck, he needs to sleep.

Turning over on his other side, he closes his eyes, trying to sleep a little more. Come on! Neil, angry that sleep still does not come, sighs heavily, opening his eyes. Staring blankly at the wall, he begins to count the photographs, sending the sheep to hell, he has never been a fan of these terrible creatures with sharp horns and strange rectangular pupils...or are they goats? Never mind, Neil is counting the photos: 1 happy face, 2 happy faces, 3 happy faces and Kevin...he notices the photo that fell off the wall yesterday. Fuck these photos.

Neil lies on his back, covering his eyes with biceps. He remembers last night. Their friends turned out to be wonderful. Cheerful and kind, and everyone, as one, tried to involve him in the conversation and not leave him alone all evening. Even gloomy Andrew looked happier. They moved as a team, slapping on the shoulders and nudging each other, joking and finishing each other's sentences, understanding from the first word. It was as if everyone was playing in a play, but he was only one not given the script. Neil feels the remnants of yesterday's joy disappear along with sleep, filling his thoughts with midnight worries.

Neil rubs his eyes, which feel like sand has been poured into them. And bitterness fills him, making his heart clench in his chest. How old is he? 25? What kind of person is he? What does he like? What doesn't? For now, he only knows that he wears strangely stylish clothes, having realized from Alison's hints that he is not the one who is buying them. Well, at least his taste remained the same. His hair is longer than it was before and Neil blows his bangs out in irritation, turning his face into the pillow. Disgusting. What should he do?

After suffering a little more in futile attempts to sleep. Neil decides that he might as well start his day early. He quietly gets out of bed and tiptoes to the door in case Andrew is still asleep. Or is he a morning person? He will have to find out this too. Neil quickly slipped into the nearby bathroom. The only room that he didn’t manage to explore properly yesterday turned out to be quite spacious, with a huge shower, toilet, sink and a bunch of shelves. Tiled dark blue walls with a pattern of white small waves and starfish. Dim lamplight and two toothbrushes in a glass. Two toothbrushes.

Neil doesn't know what to do. He never had the chance to know what it was like to live with someone. He shared a house with Kevin and his parents, of course, but they always had their own rooms and baths. Dan and Matt had a glass where their brushes stood proudly. Now Neil thinks of it as a reminder of his loneliness. This is not his toothbrush, not his friends and not his home. Andrew doesn't like him, he can't forget that. He loves the Neil he will become in almost 2 years. What has changed in him during this time? What did Andrew see in him? Apparently he quit sports, went to study to become an artist and got married.

Rejecting this symbol of their relationship, Neil simply squeezes the toothpaste onto his finger and furiously rubs his teeth, glad that he cannot erase the enamel with his finger. What time is it now? Glancing at the small display near the mirror, Neil sees "5.00". Why do they need a clock in the bathroom? Leaving this question for later, he climbs into the shower stall.

He always feels better with water. Turning on the cool, almost cold water, Neil closes his eyes, allowing the elastic streams to hit him on his shoulders and back, running down hasty paths. Thoughts melt and disappear from the cold water, running along with it into the drain away from him. And Neil, having calmed down, sorts through the bright bottles on the shelves: caramel, chocolate, bubblegum, what a horror. Having fixed his gaze on the only non-sweet label, he pours half of it on himself at once, filling the shower with the chemical smell of lemon, which is better.

"6.15"

So that's why they need a clock in the bathroom. Maybe Neil had been stuck in the shower for such a long time before, wasting both water and his time, and so as not to be late for the studio, he hung up this watch. Maybe Andrew joined him, he thinks with ardor. Why else would they need such a large shower stall, designed for at least 3 people?

Shaking his head and scattering drops around, he froze in front of the mirror, examining himself. Blue eyes looking at him coldly in the reflection. Still not tall, no matter how much his mother encouraged him with a growth spurt, his hair is long, but familiarly red, curls frame his face. He hasn’t gained weight, Neil thinks with relief. On the contrary, despite the injury, his body looks strong. And the scars are still there, Neil begins counting 1, 2, 3...7....10...The fluffy towel covered his hips and hid a few more from his view, Neil turned his back and froze, hissing under his breath.

"What the fuck is this?"

This definitely wasn't there before. On his back, right on his shoulder blade, a disgusting bullet scar that formed a small depression in the skin was filled with color. Flowers grew in delicate twisted patterns straight from the round wound up to the back of his head. Thin lines formed into intricate stems with small leaves and even smaller, almost tiny flower petals that looked more like bluish dots. The color, he realized, matched his eyes surprisingly well. He has a tattoo. Tattoo. So now he quit sports, went to study to become an artist, got married and got a tattoo. Nice.

"Kevin's gonna kill me..."

Having quickly examined himself for other unpleasant surprises and, with relief, not having found anything new, he decides that he’s had enough for today. But Neil doesn’t have time to reach the door. Andrew comes to meet him. Completely naked Andrew. Neal stares at him in disbelief for several long seconds. He examines with interest the strong body with clearly defined muscles as if carved from stone, before catching himself and hastily retreating, not allowing his eyes to fall below decent.

"You're naked!"

He squeezes out strangledly, trying not to let an embarrassed blush cover his face, but already feeling the approaching heat on his cheeks.

"I thought you were still sleeping."

"You didn't knock!"

"You didn't close it."

Neil, still looking at the suddenly very interesting tile with starfish, frantically remembers his way to the bathroom. He remembers exactly how he turned the latch, still flinching from the loud sound.

"I closed! I turned the latch."

Andrew turns away from him, allowing him to explore his sculpted back and firm buttocks. Which Neil, of course, doesn't do, at least not openly. Damn. He now understands why they need such a shower and a clock in the bathroom.

"And have you raised..."

Neil hardly looks away and wheezes strangledly.

"What?"

"...the door handle. It must first be lifted up and only then closed. No other way."

Andrew demonstrates a strange combination of actions, slamming the door and raising the handle vertically to the floor, only then clicking it closed. He did everything in reverse order and opened the door a little so that Neil wouldn’t go crazy, locked in the same cramped space with him.

"I did not know."

"Well, now you know."

They are silent while Andrew, clearly enjoying the situation, examines his half-naked body, covered only by a short towel that doesn’t leave too much to the imagination. Heat flows down from his cheeks under Andrew's satisfied gaze, turning his face and chest red.

"Why are you still here?"

"I'm not in a hurry today."

Trying not to think about what they usually do in the morning when they meet in the bathroom like that. He is not yet ready to live this routine.
Neal, unable to restrain himself, quickly examines him again and shamefully looks away from his groin.

"Come on, it's not like you haven't seen it before."

This phrase seems to destroy all the morning tension at once and Neil sprays it into his fist with one hand, still holding the towel.

"This is not funny."

"Yeah"

Neil goes silent. And Andrew takes pity on him, moving away from the door and clearing the way.

"So are you going to let me take a shower or have you decided to join?"

With Andrew's raucous laughter, Neal predictably storms out of the bath, muttering under his breath.

...

Andrew is quite pleased with so nice start of the morning. As they say, the Nile didn’t frazze out and the day was not a success.

Years of living together, side by side under one roof, taught Andrew to see beyond what he said. Neil looked sad when he entered. He couldn't hide his tired eyes, still a little red from the obvious sleepless night and yesterday's tears. Which Neil definitely won't admit, and Andrew won't tell him he knows.

Andrew knows what he would do with his Neil on a morning like this. He would ask him “Yes or No” and after, as always before, an affirmative answer, he would pull him towards him, tightly squeezing the back of his neck and calming him down. I would kiss his soft lips and fresh scars from nightmares. Maybe they could have some nice morning sex, which magically always clears up all of Neil's worries.

But this Neil is not his husband, he doesn’t know what to say or do to drive the sadness out of his eyes and cheer him up. Or vice versa, what not to do. He moves as if on a tight rope over an abyss, only he is not wearing a safety net, and his eyes are firmly covered with fabric. Too difficult. Deciding to do as the doctor told them and return to their normal routine, only giving up sex for now, Andrew starts cooking. Neil wasn't even allowed near the stove at his best.

His husband comes out of the bedroom wearing a black, loose hoodie. Dark fabric goes well with long red hair that is fluffy and curly after a shower. He pulls his sleeves up to cover his knuckles, making himself incredibly cute in the eyes of the person opposite. And Andrew smiles at this sight into his eye-catching mug.

"Hello."

"Well, hello, bunny."

Neil looks around, smiling shyly. His hair keeps getting into his eyes, which is why he has to blow it out. Andrew wants to tell him where his hairpins and bandanas are, but he doesn't. Smiling Neil blowing his hair off his forehead looks too adorable.

"Suits you."

Andrew nods at Neil's choice of clothing.

"Is it ? This is about the only thing I feel comfortable in."

Andrew bites his cheek while Neil peers into the cabinets, hiding his curious nose there.

"Actually, that's mine."

"Oh I..."

"Everything is fine. I'm glad you finally have a taste."

Neil shakes his head, giving him a hesitant glance from under his eyelashes and making Andrew's heart beat faster.

"I...I liked the orange one better, but I thought it was yours."

Andrew's heart skips a beat. No. He promised himself, no meaningless hope.

"It's yours. That orange one. I'll give it back to you if you want."

"No, don't."

Neil knows Andrew wants to help, but he still cares about that thing. He wore it during his most difficult period, Neil knows this now. Then in the hospital he was surprised by Andrew’s chosen style, but now he understands that it was not about fashion, but about him. In the old one. And Neil doesn’t want to spoil the memory that this thing carries with his touches. Andrew nods, as if understanding his train of thought, and sets his cup down with a knock. Neil returns to his search, refusing to ask for help and ignoring the glare at his back.

"Don't do that, Andrew."

"What?"

"You're looking at me like I'm some kind of zoo animal."

Having finally found the right cabinet, Neil takes out a mug and reaches for the coffee. God bless the one who invented this incredible drink that helps him come to his senses in the morning and start living.

"You can't."

Neil's hand freezes centimeters from what he wants. What the heck.

"I can."

"I'm sure the doctor said no."

"You can’t be sure, she said a lot of things."

"I can. I have an eidetic memory."

Neil looks at him for a few seconds, expecting a laugh. But Andrew is completely serious.

"Ha, ironic."

Not paying anyone any attention to his words, Neil again reaches for the coffee pot, generously pouring himself the saving liquid. God, he hasn't had coffee in so long. And if count his comatose state, that’s an eternity!

"Take a sip and I'll tell Kevin."

Neil pauses with the mug to his lips, almost feeling the delicious taste, and his eyes widen in disbelief.

"You won't do this."

"Try me and you will find out."

"You’re my husband, didn’t we take vows and everything? Should you be on my side?"

"And everything."

Andrew repeats in an echo, strenuously pushing away memories of clay, cold floors and warm kisses.

"I'm on your side. I am the voice of your reason when your own fails you."

Neil looks into his eyes irritably and, deciding not to tempt fate, pointedly pours the coffee into the sink. And stomping loudly he approaches the small kitchen table, pouring himself some orange juice.

"Shitty mug. You can gouge out your eyes."

Neil mutters sharply through his teeth, forcing himself to swallow the juice. Andrew defiantly takes another sip of his coffee.

"That's what I told you."

"Did I buy it?"

"Yeah"

"Then the mug is wonderful. Can you finish it all at once? I want to see it in work."

"Shut your mouth and eat."

"Make up your mind. I can't do everything at the same time."

Neil reaches for the dishes on the table, helping himself to some on his plate. Andrew purses his lips. He hoped Neil would eat more.

"Can we play?"

"What do you want to know, bunny?"

"What are you doing ? Are you working?"

"Yes, at night."

Neil chokes on his juice, coughing and wheezing. While Andrew calmly watches him with a smile trembling and ready to appear on his lips.

"I have a bar in the center."

"Mmm cool."

Neil nods his head for a couple of seconds, considering his next question.

"So what is my routine? What do I usually do all day?"

"Well, in the morning you get up and make some coffee."

Neil looks around in confusion at the full coffee pot.

"OK. Should I make some more?"

"No need. I suspected that you could not cope with temptation and did everything myself. For the future, I drink coffee with 5 spoons of caramel syrup, cinnamon and cream."

Neil grimaces in disgust, not even trying to hide it.

"Have you ever heard of diabetes?"

"Every day? This joke is already outdated."

Neil becomes confused and purses his lips, looking down at the plate. And Andrew regrets his hasty words.

"Sorry."

"Don't. I'm not fragile, you don't need to tiptoe around me. And I don't want you to babysit me. Everything is fine with me."

Neil takes a breath and looks at him again.

"Let's say I made coffee. What's next?"

"Then you check your emails and pay bills."

"So?"

"But I will do this too. I'm betting that you don't remember any of the passwords or account numbers."

"Mmm okay, and then?"

"Then you go down to your studio. Do you want to go see what's there?"

Neil shrinks into the kitchen chair and looks away. His leg twitches nervously while he unconsciously picks at the small scar on his index finger with his nail.

"You know what? It’s still not possible to cover everything at once. We don't have to rehash. I mean...You go to work, and we’ll figure out it later?"

"Are you sure? I could stay."

"Yes, I am sure. There's no point in missing work because of me. Moreover, this is our routine, right? So this is how we should act."

Andrew unconvincedly agrees, leaving Neil to breakfast while he heads to the club.

"Okay, here is your phone, wallet, keys. If you go anywhere, pick up your phone, Neil. My number is there."

Having laid out everything he needed on the table in front of him, Andrew exhales, looking at it doubtfully. And Neil is sure if he says just one word now, Andrew will stay. He doesn't say anything, even though he feels out of place.

"OK."

"OK."

"And one more thing."

Andrew pulls a thin gold ring from his pocket.

"You do not have to..."

"It's yours."

Neil shakes his head sadly looking ahead.

"You don’t have to wear it or anything, you can do whatever you want with it. But it's yours, Neil, you know?"

The ring is barely warm against the skin in Andrew's pocket, but Neil thinks it might scald him.

"Fine. I will keep it. Now go."

Andrew twitches in a familiar attempt to kiss him on the lips and he himself takes a step back, stopping his reflex.

"Have a good day ?"

Andrew doesn't answer, closing the door.

...

"Roland."

"Hello, Andrew!"

"How are things going here? Fill me in."

"Are you talking about my new boyfriend? He's a terrible kisser, I don't think he has any chances."

Andrew raises an unimpressed eyebrow at his brahman. Roland is an excellent worker, but a terrible joker.

"In general, yesterday there was a complete blockage, so many people. Everyone seemed to have gone wild. Apparently the world is going to hell."

"Many clients are the problem of a successful bar."

"Yes, but I can’t be both a bartender and a manager at the same time. You know, I’m only good with math in milliliters and grams."

Rodand laughs, wiping glasses in his hand, like a typical bartender, as if he has nothing better to do here.
Show off.

"I know. Now I am here."

"Are you back?"

"Yes. I'll take care of everything today. So I understand there's a ton of paperwork waiting for me upstairs?"

"Yeah, everything is for you. We all know here how much you love it."

Roland stops smiling and finally puts the immaculate glasses aside.

"How is he?"

"Getting used to it. He...."

Andrew cuts himself off.

"Everything will work out."

"OK. Fine. Will you be here tonight?"

"I don't think so, Neil needs me. I'll take the documents home with me later."

"Come on, Andrew, stay. Unwind! You need it."

"I rested for more than 2 weeks."

"Well, you weren’t lying on the beach."

"I'll think. Now let's get to work."

Roland returned to the counter, busy with more useful things than endlessly polishing already clean glasses. In Andrew's office, several impressive stacks of reports and orders awaited him on the table for signature. Andrew groaned, it's going to be a fun day.

...

Neil stood there like a fool with the washed plates in his hands. Not knowing where to put them so that the water drains successfully. Having chosen a cozy place right on the table, Neil went to explore. Without Andrew behind him, he felt more relaxed in his curiosity, without fear of blurting out something wrong or acting strangely. Walking through the living room, his gaze came across a bright sticker “more evidence.” It was a disk. Having become interested, he quickly found the TV and inserted it into the drive. Pictures ran before my eyes, scrolling through the video until the right moment until they stopped. It was them. Andrew and Neil stood in their wedding suits...is this a gallery? Neil was intrigued. What were they doing in their wedding suits in the gallery? They couldn't really get married like that?

They could. Voices sounded from the speakers, putting words into sentences.

"I vow to help you love life..."

Neil turns up the volume, leaning back on the sofa and looking at his smiling face in shock. Damn.

"To always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they're not."

Neil winces at the pathos evident in the lines of his own speech, but does not turn off and does not look away from the screen.

"To agree to disagree on that terrible caramel-chocolate pie."

A smile stretches across his lips without warning, causing Neil to twitch. Ha, pie. The video changes angles to show Andrew's emotionless face.

"And to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home."

House. Until today he did not have his own home. Of course he lived with Abby and David and considered it his home, but still it was not the same at all.

"Didn’t I say no one likes a smart-ass?"

"Except you."

Andrew in the video exhales, examining Neil, but not refuting his words, which is why Neil for some reason begins to get nervous, fidgeting in his seat.

"135% and you set the bar kind of high, bunny."

What is this supposed to mean? What else is 135%?

"You wrote your vow on a menu."

Interested, Neil leans forward and peers into Andrew's face.

"Yes, why?"

Neil sees Andrew take something out of his pocket, and it turns out to be the same piece of paper.

"So did I."

Ha. Neil shakes his head, refusing to believe what he sees. How strange.

"I’m not your answer, Neil, and you sure as fuck aren’t mine. But I vow to fiercely love in all your forms, now and forever."

Neil pauses to catch his breath. Is he ready to see this? He'd already seen the photo, but this. This is something else, their vows to each other. If this is true, his heart clenches painfully.

He sees in the video how happy he is. They are both. And if Neil, like the Sun, does not hide his joy to shine brightly, then Andrew, like the Moon reflecting the sunlight, reflects his emotions. Andrew on screen softens just by looking at him. They are in love, Neil understands with bitter regret. And he doesn’t know whether he has the right to interfere in this. Does he have any right to take his place? It’s probably strange, but he can’t think of the guy in the video as himself. And Neil wants to scream, break things and cry. He wants it so bad. But instead, he presses the desired button again and freezes.

"I promise to never forget that this is a once-in-a-lifetime love. And always know in the deepest part of my soul that no matter what challengers might carry us apart, that we'll always find the way back to each other."

The once-in-a-lifetime love. Their lifetime together was unfairly short. Ending without beginning. To avoid looking at the softly relaxed Andrew in the video, Neil closes his eyes. What should he do?

...

Neil walks down the street in his Andrew hoodie, looking around the area and stopping at a coffee shop. The inside is light and smells pleasantly of baking. Neil's stomach growls, reminding him that he barely ate anything this morning, having forgotten about his hunger from excitement.

"Good afternoon."

"Hello."

Neil thoughtfully looks back at the beautiful desserts laid out in neat rows in the window. Finally poking his finger at something wrapped in puff pastry.

A nice woman with an Italian accent is surprised by his choice and politely clarifies.

"Don’t you want to do it as usual?"

"I have the usual?"

Neil, delighted by the offer and hoping for his taste in baking, turns away from the layered secretion.

"This is amazing! I'll take it as usual."

Neil left the cafe chewing something incomprehensible, but very tasty. Either raspberry or strawberry jam filled my mouth, driving away all the troubles with its incredible sweetness. He took a sip of the forbidden coffee, closing his eyes peacefully. What Kevin doesn't know or Andrew doesn't tell won't hurt him. So, where did he come from? Forbidding himself to be nervous while he has this delicious culinary masterpiece and a glass of hot coffee, Neil, looking around, decided to turn left, moving away from the house in a completely different direction.

...

Andrew was hurrying home. Down the street at a small Chinese restaurant, he picked up chicken and rice to go, knowing how much Neil loved it. They only tried it a year ago. So Neil definitely tried this again. He must be delighted.

"Neil?"

Putting a paper bag on the kitchen table, Andrew walks through the rooms, calling for his husband. A bad premonition breathes noisily down the back of his head when the answer does not come. Usually, if Neil was still at home, he would run out to him, hugging and hanging on him like a koala. But right now there is not even a simple response.

His gaze falls on Neil's phone, which he left in the morning. Bitch. What kind of idiot is he? He hurries to check his shoes. No. Neil left. Andrew always got angry when he left like that without being able to call him if something happened, he might fall or get hit by a car while jogging. But now this is also complicated by the fact that Neil is wandering around an unfamiliar area all alone.
Andrew leaves his bag with papers from the bar at home and, completely forgetting about the food in the kitchen, gets into the car and goes in search of his bunny.

Neil isn't funny anymore. The bun ended half an hour ago, and he still hasn’t found his way home. Deciding that there is no point in wandering around just like that, Neil goes into the nearest store. Feeling like a clumsy bull in a china shop, he walks around the stands with porcelain cups and plates at the entrance and finds the cash register. The friendly man smiles at him from under his thick mustache.

"Can I help you with something?"

Neil struggles with shame. He didn't pick up the phone and he doesn't know Andrew's number.

"Can I borrow your phone?"

Mom and Dad apparently changed their number. But Kevin. Good old Kevin. Thank God for his love for the old and disdain for everything new, he picks up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Kevin!"

...

Kevin, fortunately, thought to call Andrew too. Having saved him a couple of dozen nerve cells and thereby successfully earning another thanks to God in his name, but from Andrew. Tired Andrew returns home, unable to go back to work, and decides to take care of the documents he brought with him. Having laid out the papers on the table in front of the sofa, he puts on his glasses and gets to work. While waiting, time seems to freeze like a fly in amber.

Neil returns home timidly looking outside the door. After waving goodbye to Kevin, who was honking, he slips inside. The light is on in the living room and Neil tiptoes into it. Andrew sleeps surrounded by papers. He wears glasses, Neil realizes with surprise. Neat with a black frame and looking very good on him, adding seriousness to an already unemotional face. Neil slowly approaches, looking at him. He is beautiful. This cannot be denied. The last time he saw him this close was in the hospital waiting room. But then the fatigue was clearly visible on his face. How many nights did he spend there while Neil was in a coma? Did he ever go home? Or how Neil became an involuntary prisoner of the white walls, only in contrast to him understanding the full horror of the catastrophe that befell them.

Now, after sleeping under his own roof, the bruises under his eyes began to recede, making him look like a Greek statue with a clearly defined profile. A straight nose, sharp cheekbones and full lips, usually grinning or pursed tightly. They seemed so soft now. Neil suddenly wanted to kiss him, touch his no longer perfectly groomed hair, pull him towards him by the collar of his T-shirt and kiss kiss kiss. Everything he can reach: the tip of his nose, cheekbones, cheeks, his strong arms, broad shoulders and soft hips. Neil shrugged his shoulder, driving away the obsession. Were these his true feelings or was it just a bodily memory suggesting the path?

Neil reached forward, only instead of touching his lips to his glasses, he carefully took them off so Andrew wouldn’t break them in his sleep. Neil's father did this several times. So he knows that the frame cannot be saved later. Hazel eyes immediately open and Neil freezes with his glasses in his hands.

"I didn't touch you."

Neil raises his hands showing the object in his hands.

"Just glasses."

Andrew sits on the couch, looking at him sleepily and Neil unconsciously reaches for his head, ruffling his hair.

"You had a haircut."

"Yes, it was too... and there were too many strange things. And my hair... this is too much."

They are silent for a few seconds and Neil breaks it.

"I have a tattoo. You probably...some flowers straight from...from a bullet wound. I saw this morning."

"These are gypsophila. Symbolizes purity of heart, sincerity and happiness. You filled them precisely because you saw on TV that they signify the beginning of a new life."

"Oh"

Neil reaches his hand to the back of his head, trying to find them by touch.

"This is cool. I didn't even know...I wasn't a fan of flowers before."

Andrew rolls his eyes.

"You are not. Just one of those midnight shows. You had nightmares and I was working. In the morning I found you here, not sleeping for even a couple of hours, with crazy eyes and a crooked sketch..."

"Hey, it turned out very nice. I have seen."

Andrew grins.

"Whatever you say, bunny."

Neil falls silent again, looking at his hands.

"You didn't pick up the phone."

"Yes, sorry. I forgot. I can never remember to take it. And then I got lost and I found that coffee shop where apparently I often go... and... yeah, sorry."

"Don't apologize, next time take the phone."

Neil nods in agreement.

"Did you have dinner yet?"

"Oh, I ate at that coffee shop."

"Already evening. Aren't you hungry? I can't believe your health obsessed brother didn't feed you."

Neil smiles again.

"He really tried. But I wasn't hungry enough to eat what Kevin gave me. I would most likely vomit on his expensive shoes."

Andrew stands up, pulling himself up, and beckons him into the kitchen. They approach the forgotten package.

"On the way home, I stopped at a Chinese restaurant. We found this place just recently, took us some."

The plate in front of Neil is steaming with reheated food. He looks doubtfully at something in the white sauce.

"Eat. It's just rice with chicken."

"But why is everything so white?"

"Sauce, Neil. I thought you knew this word before."

Sighing and stabbing a little on his fork, Neil takes a risk. Andrew watches him closely from his seat.

"God! There are pineapples!"

Neil winces in disgust, but continues to chew, becoming more and more imbued with food.

"Horrible. I like it."

Andrew laughs next to him.

"Yeah. You're strange, no wonder your food is bizarre too."

Neil smiles, shaking his head and putting some more in his mouth.

"Kevin invited us to dinner."

"On Sunday?"

"Yes. He said that we get together quite often."

"Mmm."

"Do you like it?"

Andrew looks straight at him.

"You like it."

"Didn’t you tell me it doesn’t matter anymore? Moreover, I know that it will be awkward and embarrassing, because they know you better than I do. But I would really like to go with you, but only if you would like it. So, Andrew, answer me. Do you like having dinner with my family?"

"I like it, Neil. I like everything I do with you. Dinners with family, meetings with friends, walks in the park and picnics, movies and dates, everything. Tell me you want to climb Everest and I will go with you. If you want to live in the forest and give up city life, I’ll pitch a tent for us. Cut your hair, dye it, get tattoos, forget me. It's still you. And I'm ready for anything, just anything if it's with you. Understand?"

"Because you hate me?"

Neil has tears in his eyes, and the wedding ring, safely hidden in his pocket, burns his thigh.

"Yes, Neil. Because I hate you."

Chapter Text

A black car slowly drove around the corner. The asphalt quietly rustled with gravel under the wheels as they drove along the bright, clean streets. Even rows of neat houses with white picket fences, manicured lawns and the occasional tree house filled the space around. Surrounding their slowly moving car with its quiet calm and atmosphere of family comfort.

Neil gazes intently out the window without looking up, examining the familiar streets and turns. His heart is beating loudly inside and it’s not entirely from joy. Neil is nervous, as he remembers being home just a couple of weeks ago. Helping his mom in the kitchen and arguing with his dad watching the game on TV in the living room while Kevin tried to replace their chips with his healthier snacks. But in fact, he has been living separately for several years, coming only for dinners and holidays. Buzzing thoughts fill his head like annoying flies that, having accidentally let in, you now cannot drive out. They hide in the farthest corners of your mind, waiting for the moment when you forget about them, and then suddenly remind you of yourself.

"Here, just left up the Caldwells' house, and then right and... and of course you know the way to my parents’ house. Exactly."

Andrew, without looking up from the road, smiles comfortingly at him. Stretching out his right hand and giving himself time to push himself away, he pats the upset Neil on the knee.

"Exactly. But I don't mind listening to it again if it helps you cope with your anxiety."

Andrew nods his head non-judgmentally at Neil's shaking knee under his warm palm. Up down. Up down. Not that it distracted him, Andrew knew how to shut himself out if he wanted. But Neil is too nervous for a man returning home. He only glanced quickly at him when he felt a gentle touch on his leg and turned back. He peers at familiar views, poking his finger at the glass every now and then when he notices something new, as if he were playing a game with himself that only he understood.

"Oh! Prestleys got a new mailbox, so cute."

Neil, as if not hearing him or not paying much attention to his words, is again distracted by familiar houses, randomly sharing with Andrew facts about his neighbors.

"Ah! Children bicycle! Did the Browns really have a baby?"

Andrew gently squeezes his knee in silent support. He already knows this. About all his neighbors. Neil shared the latest news every time they visited his parents' house.

"I don’t know if this bouquet says that I’m sorry that I forgot the last 6 years."

Neil speaks out loud, distracted from the view outside the window and carefully examines the cheerful multi-colored chrysanthemums on his lap. He rearranges the flowers and changes their places, adjusting the composition in one direction that is clear to him. Several petals of disturbed flowers have already fallen to the floor of the cabin, showering the rubber mats underfoot with white, yellow and lilac splashes.

"But now that I have a brain injury, maybe they will forgive me?"

Andrew looks doubtfully at the poor bouquet, which can no longer withstand all these shenanigans. A person cannot even pay off being late with such bouquet, no telling about 6 years that have disappeared from memory. Returning his gaze to the road, Andrew lets go of his knee and grabs nervously shaking fingers, squeezing them and gently stopping. Neil's cold fingers tremble in his grip and Andrew rubs them, trying to get the blood flowing and relieve his husband of stress.

"I think you’re right, but this one is not good enough anymore. We should pick some forget-me-nots from the house. Beautiful, free and meaningful."

"Ha, funny."

Neil purses his lips, unimpressed, and yanks his hand away from the grip. And Andrew just shrugs, not feeling guilty at all. They don't get offended by the truth, right?

"It’s as if you didn’t think about it yourself."

"I did. But I just had the tact not to talk about it out loud."

"And I had the courage..."

"Shut up. You missed the turn."

Andrew, trying not to notice Neil's mockingly curved lips, makes a silent circle back to the well-known house.

...

"Thea!"

The tall, dark-haired girl opens her arms, pulling him to her chest. Her thin arms wrap around him, squeezing him on his back in a strong grip. Neil closes his eyes peacefully. The last time he saw her, she had just started dating Kevin. He remembers a high ponytail, jean shorts and braces. And now she stands in front of him with a neat short haircut, in a blue suit and with a bright smile, comparable only to her gold hoop earrings.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there."

Neil shakes, releasing her and stepping back from the hug, gently taking her hand. Thea accepts the silent support by gently stroking his palm.

"You were with Kevin. I don't need more. At least he bothered me less."

Thea finally laughs, glancing into the depths of the house where her boyfriend is helping to set the table. While Andrew nods behind him and comes over to greet her.

"Hey! I heard everything!"

Kevin yells from the house causing Neil and Thea to roll their eyes. Andrew quickly hugged the girl by the shoulders and, without waiting for Neil, entered the house, loudly greeting everyone and offering his help. Neil rushes after him, climbing onto the porch of his home. But Thea delays him, gently touching his shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

She nods at the poor bouquet in his hands, which has already lost several flowers and is living its last minutes thanks to the efforts of Neil.

"I don't think so. But I will."

Neil was given the best seat today, right at the head of the table opposite his father. Thea won Kevin with a seat on the left, and Andrew sat silently on his right. The table is covered with food, Abby has apparently been cooking all day. And as Neil notes, these are basically all his favorite dishes. He looks at his mother with gratitude and slight reproach.

"You shouldn’t have cooked so much, mom."

Abby just stubbornly shakes her head at his remarks, causing the father to chuckle. Apparently this conversation has already happened before.

"Of course I should. We should celebrate your discharge and the fact that we are all together. So I made your favorite dinner."

"Ahem, mama's boy, ahem."

Neil casts a contemptuous glance at Kevin, not commenting on his words. Jerk. He turns away from his brother, turning his gaze to the mother and quite noticing how the father leans across the table giving the oldest son a slap on the head.

"Thank you, mom."

"So eat well today. You need strength to recover."

"Neil, are you eating poorly?"

Neil casts a devoted glance at Andrew, but he does not admit to the setup, stubbornly staring back. Kevin immediately forgot about his ridicule and stared at him with worried eyes.

"I eat well, Kevin. Leave me alone and eat."

Only a couple of minutes pass before the tension leaves them, leaving only the clanking of appliances and light conversations. Sitting in their places, Kevin and Thea never stop looking at each other slyly and whispering to each other. After a couple of minutes of such exchanges of glances and a heavy sigh on Andrew’s part, Neil still can’t stand it and loudly puts down his fork. He looks with irritation at his brother who is preventing him from enjoying the dinner so carefully prepared by his beloved mother.

"Well, what is it?"

Thea casts one last sly glance at her boyfriend and, remaining silent, raises her left hand, playfully tapping the glass of expensive wine. Neil stares blankly for a second at how she ruins the glass with her gorgeous manicure until he notices the golden shine.

"Oh my God!"

The engagement ring shines brightly on her slender finger. And Neil glances quickly at Andrew’s hand, where his ring also shines, and unconsciously reaches into his pocket to check his own. He never got the courage to put it on, but he carries it with him as a reminder.

"You are engaged?!"

Kevin grins widely and gets up from his seat when Neil jumps up to hug them joyfully congratulating them. David and Abby happily look at each other, enjoying the family idyll, and also get up from their seats.

"You are a wonderful couple!"

"Thank you, Neil."

David pats his son on the shoulder and kisses Thea on the cheek while Abby pushes her husband away and hugs them.

"Congratulations, son!"

"Congratulations!"

Andrew doesn't smile, but he doesn't look indifferent either. He nods at them with the corner of his lips slightly raised. Spinning his own ring on the finger.

"Congratulations."

"Thank you!"

"Kevin, dear, come on, tell us how you proposed?"

Thea rolls her eyes as she sits down and leans towards Neil as Kevin pompously begins his speech.

"He hoped that someone would ask, he even rehearsed all the way here."

Neil laughs, covering his mouth with his hand and catching Andrew's undiverted gaze. No. Not undiverted. Affectionate. Neil freezes, confused. Andrew doesn't look angry or bored. His forehead is relaxed, as are his shoulders, his fingers barely noticeably tap out one rhythm that he understands, the corners of his lips tremble with a slight smile, and his beautiful light brown eyes are slightly closed, watching him from under his eyelashes. Was he always like this? It was just that he himself lacked the attentiveness to see beyond his nose.

"... and then I got down on one knee, pink rose petals were falling around and, accompanied by the piercing violin playing, I took out this ring and said marry me!"

David smiles kindly, winking at Neil, while Abby wipes away her tears, touched by the story.

"Oh dear! This is incredible!"

:And how romantic, yeah?"

Abby nods at a pleased Kevin. Because of this, he only smiles harder, not paying attention to his father and brother.

"Amazing! Thea, what do you say?"

Thea smiles at Abby tenderly, intertwining her fingers with the happy Kevin.

"To be honest, I didn’t notice any petals, or a violin, or even a ring. All I saw was my Kevin on one knee in front of me and his green eyes. I didn’t even understand what he asked me. And simply said yes."

Abby cries again, moved by the romance, and waves her hand towards the youngest son.

"At least one of my boys was able to do everything right."

As soon as the caustic words leave her mouth, she freezes, biting her lip and looking at Neil apologetically. Neil also freezes, swallowing the piece of chicken he managed to eat. And he looks up from his plate at his mother, frowning in confusion.

"What is it "right" ? What's this supposed to mean? I actually thought it was Andrew who proposed."

Andrew, clearly amused by the conversation that had begun, shrugs and takes another sip of wine, turning his lips a bright cherry color. Neil swallows hard at the sight and shifts in his seat.

"Andrew? How did our proposal come about?"

Neil leans closer to him excitedly, almost invading his personal space.

"I couldn’t be that terrible, could I?"

Andrew casts a blank glance at the rest of the silent family, awaiting further developments, and resolutely sits down in a chair, resting his chin on his hand.

"There is no need to doubt yourself, sweetie."

Focusing on the unusual affectionate nickname, Andrew stretches his lips in a sugary smile, looking exactly like a well-fed cat who has eaten too much sour cream and is now also aiming for plum.

"Andrew, tell me! Or I'll ask Kevin!"

Kevin chokes on his salad, shaking his head desperately. And Neil only manages to squint suspiciously. Andrew diverts his attention to himself by sighing as if Neil is the worst punishment of his life, which may well be true.

"Actually, you were really very original. You know, so romantic. In a satin dark blue suit and you even styled your hair with gel. Then there was a hot air balloon flight, confetti and, of course, fireworks. And at the end, an inscription in huge luminous letters appeared in the sky: “Will you marry me?” "

With a dreamy expression, Andrew tells their story with inspiration. He spreads his arms to the sides above his head, as if showing the increasingly horrified Neil the full scale of the tragedy.

"Under which they brought out a huge chocolate cake in 5 tiers with a ring on it. Of course I said yes, you knew how to bribe me."

Neil listens to this in horror, his mouth open and shaking his head in disbelief.

"No. It can't be that I..."

He exhales and hears his father’s uncontrollable laughter.

"David"

Andrew gives his father-in-law a disappointed look. But David only covers his red face and wipes away his tears.

"Sorry. I couldn't help myself."

Kevin folds his arms across his chest, imitating his mother sitting across from him with her brow furrowed.

"It would have been much better than what actually happened! No one has ever hurt having a drop of romance..."

Neil shushes him.

"Quiet. Someone tell me how it really was?"

Andrew smirks, pausing dramatically and accurately confirming Aaron's description of him as a really jerk.

"I found the ring in the sock locker. And put it on."

He finally says, simply shrugging and going back to eating as if nothing had happened. Neil exhales, relieved to know that he didn't do all that ugly vanilla nonsense. He wouldn't have been able to cope with the realization that he had acted exactly like Kevin and even worse. Romance is, of course, good, but all this pink and sugary nonsense is not for him and apparently, fortunately, not for his husband either.

"Stop. Did you agree to marry me without me?"

Andrew raises an eyebrow, nonchalantly stabbing another bite of food onto his fork.

"You weren't particularly against it. And by the way, there was the cake too."

"Sure."

Neil smiles tenderly at him. Of course he didn't mind. Neil can only imagine how carefully he chose the engagement ring, visiting jewelry boutiques and trying to guess the size. How nervously he ran around the house trying to hide the treasured box and how then, probably for weeks, he thought about the best way to propose. As he wondered: What if Andrew doesn’t want to marry him and says no? Or will he remain silent and say nothing? Or if he himself stumbles from nerves or falls and disgraces himself? Of course, he was happy when Andrew took everything into his own hands and probably, as always, solved all his problems, depriving him of further worries and worries.

The conversation flows gently, moving Neil from the past to the present and back again. Parents skillfully give him the necessary information without pestering him with stories about the past.

"Neil, how are you doing with your mem..."

Neil immediately interrupts his brother, not wanting to admit that his head is still awfuly empty. And he doesn’t want to talk out loud about his fears that he won’t remember anything.

"Kevin, would you rather tell us what suit you will wear at the wedding?"

Kevin's mouth immediately closes, only to open again with inspiration about different densities of fabric and matching colors.

Andrew leans towards him, hissing with ostentatious anger, under which Neil, if he tenses up, hears amusement.

"I'll kill you. I'll push you out of the car on the way back."

"Will not work. I'll drag you along with me."

After waiting for a pause in the broadcasts of her eldest son, Abby turns all her attention to her husband.

"Darling, I think today there is a wonderful reason for a toast."

"You are right as always."

David stands up from his seat and raises his glass, looking at them all with a kind look.

"I would like to drink to my family. I am so fortunate to have a beautiful wife and three wonderful sons. And now an amazing daughter of mine. And when we are all together I am incredibly happy. To family!"

Thea hugs him with wet eyes while the others clink their glasses, making a slight clink.

Neil sees how Andrew's hands twitch slightly at the words about the son and understands how his father's words touched him. Neil thinks about it. Apart from Nicky and Aaron, he knows nothing about Andrew's family.

It’s cool in the courtyard of the house, night has quietly crept up, replacing the warm sun, bright moon and stars. A light wind filled the air with coolness and the sound of rustling leaves near the standing trees. But Neil stubbornly refuses to return to the warmth of the house, continuing to swing on the swing and warm his frozen hands in his armpits. The swing still creaks in the same familiar way, although Neil remembers how his father promised to fix it 6 years ago. Or maybe he did and he just forgot. A warm blanket gently falls on your shoulders.

"It's cold."

Neil looks at Andrew standing in front of him. Continuing to push yourself with your foot and rocking.

"Thank you."

Neil nods to the seat next to him, moving over and inviting him to sit under the blanket. They sway together, snuggling into each other and enjoying the silence and warmth.

"What are you thinking about, bunny?"

Andrew's warm breath touches his ear.

"About you."

He admits honestly.

"I was thinking that I know almost nothing about you. I didn't even ask you about your family."

"You already know Nicky and Aaron."

"Yes, but is that all?"

Andrew stiffens next to him, but does not move away, but rather leans closer to him.

"Yes, this is my terrible secret, they found me in the cabbage."

"Then it’s in the nettles. Very, very poisonous."

Andrew shrugs, as if agreeing with this version.

"Are you serious? Okay then."

Neil doesn't wait for Andrew to speak.

"I was 12 when I found out about Aaron."

Neil looks at him in surprise.

"You didn’t know you had a twin?"

"I was given up for adoption. More precisely, both of us, only our mother took him back."

"And you went to live with them? Did she find you?"

Andrew snorts.

"No. She didn't even look for me. Aaron found me himself. He found out he has a twin when he was mistaken for me. Aaron wanted to meet, but I was against it. Until I found out what our mother did to him".

Andrew loses concentration as if plunging into terrible memories of the past.

"She got Aaron hooked on drugs. And besides this, she loved to beat him in a fit of rage. I moved in with them."

Neil reaches for his hand, offering his hand and intertwining his fingers with Andrew's after nodding.

"She died in a year after that. Car accident. I was there with her. Aaron suspected for a long time that I did it and I would like to, but no."

Neil remains silent, not judging him for this statement, knowing himself about the problems with abusive parents.

"Nicky took us in and he was our guardian until we reached adulthood."

"Fuck, Andrew. That's fucked up. But I'm glad you have a family now."

Andrew looks into his eyes with a sad look.

"Yes. Now I have."

...

"I heard everyone is gonna be here tonight!"

Neil follows Thea, squeezing his hand and not paying attention to his nervous trembling.

"Jean also promised to come."

"Jean?"

Neil becomes inspired and peers with renewed interest into the crowd of people, trying to spot his friend. Andrew is silent, only gritting his teeth behind him, remembering the pretentious Frenchman from Neil’s university team.

The buzz of the club fills the space with bright lights and music. Neil awkwardly moves away, avoiding the hot and sweaty bodies of people on the dance floor.

"I think this is too much for Neil now."

Andrew, as always, shrewdly notices the stiffness of his movements and the awkward, forced smile. Neil smiles at him gratefully and is about to agree when he notices the man in front of him.

Black curls, tall and with the teasing smile of a seducer, completely confident in his irresistibility.

"Jean! You're here!"

"Of course, where else should I be when mon petit renard is here. Long time no see, mon vieux."

"Is it true? I didn't think so. You haven't changed at all!"

Kevin approaches Andrew from behind as he watches this little reunion.

"Good luck, friend."

Neil, as if waking up, smiles apologetically and brings his friend closer to them.

"Oh, sorry Andrew. This is Jean, my friend from university, we are together...that is, we were together on the same team."

"Hello"!

Jean waves at him, putting a polite smile on the face that doesn’t touch his suspiciously narrowed eyes.

"And this is Andrew, my... my husband."

"Exactly. I've heard about this husband."

Jean, not deigning Andrew with his attention, smiles at Neil again.

"Should I bring you something? I'm going to the bar."

"Just..."

"Still water, with a slice of lemon and two ice cubes. I remember.
Je serai là dans une minute!"

Andrew raises an eyebrow in disbelief. Neil, who was usually reserved and awkward around strangers, relaxed around his friend. Although, of course, this Jean is now closer to him than some stranger who calls himself his husband. And while Andrew is having another personal crisis, Neil just smiles after his friend, rejoicing at the meeting and not noticing his husband’s bad mood. Thea persistently pulls Neil towards their table.

"Neil! Katelyn is here! Let's go to the table quickly, come on!"

Despite the loud music and the crowd of people nearby, Andrew feels incredibly lonely.

...

"He didn’t look like himself at all, I remember Neil differently. More..."

Nicky nods as he helps him move the boxes into the bar. Expensive whiskey rattles as it hits the wooden walls.

"Homelike? This isn't fair Andrew. Neil is still a student in his head. Novice athlete. Of course, he's not the same guy he was before the accident."

"Yes, but..."

"And it seems to me that you are more worried about this Jean with a wonderful French accent and a seductive smile?"

Nicky gives Aaron an impressed look.

"What a seductive smile?! What kind of French accent?! What? Who?"

"How do you know that ?"

Aaron shrugs, blushing under his brothers' gazes, and looks away.

"I'm talking to Katelyn sometimes."

Nicky waves his hands and catches Andrew's eye.

"Forget about Aaron and his cutie, tell me what happened there?"

"He was just flirting."

"Were they a couple before or something?"

"Oh no. No. But this Jean always wanted to be. Neil is really too blind to see it."

"And you're afraid that now when Neil is older and calmer, they...?"

"For Neil, he is a close friend and teammate, of course he was glad to see him. I'm not jealous. I just think he was very annoyed by the unknown husband."

"All this really blows my mind."

Going out with the twins for a smoke break, Nicky winces at the smell of cigarettes mixed with the newmodern crap that Aaron smokes.

"So, what turns him on?"

Nicky noisily sips more coffee from his cup.

"Neil?"

"No, his brother. Of course, Neil."

Andrew looks at him sullenly, not intending to answer.

Aaron turns to his cousin in disbelief, exhaling a cloud of steam.

"In bed? Are you serious Nicky? Do you want to know what they are doing there?"

"I know what they are doing there, Aaron. Don't be a prude."

Nicky rolls his eyes, dismissing him and turning the gaze to a frowning Andrew.

"This is private, Nicky."

"I won't judge. Would you like to I tell what turns Eric on firstly? Actually, I take a piece of ice..."

"Nicky!!!"

Aaron pushes him in the side, almost spilling coffee on the new T-shirt.

"Damn it, Aaron! Go fuck someone! Maybe you can stop being such a bore!"

Andrew shakes his head at Nicky's look.

"You better shut up."

"Well, okay."

Nicky says offendedly, twirling the half-empty glass in his hands.

"I just wanted to say. That you should give that a shot, whatever you do there."

Aaron rolls his eyes again.

"Seriously, is this your advice?"

"Well, what do they have to lose?"

Andrew moves away from the wall and throws the cigarette in the trash.

"Enough. Back to work. I'm not paying you for talking."

"You don't pay us at all."

But the thought had already settled in Andrew's head. Really, what does he have to lose?

...

Neil goes to a court he knows well. His father kindly lent him the keys. Here he spent all his school and university years. And now, looking at the green field, he could not imagine how he could leave all this behind.

But he is not alone there. Noticing someone on the bench who shouldn’t be here, panic begins to overwhelm them. And Neil has to remind himself that everyone who could harm him is already dead. Taking a closer look, he sees how the shadow develops into a familiar person. And relief floods through him, loosening his tense limbs.

"Jean? What are you doing here?"

"I heard from Kevin that you decided to visit our good old playground. Do you mind if I join?"

They play like old times for Jean and recent times for Neil. Kicking the ball around the field until you feel tired in your legs and slight pain in your arm muscles.

Jean and Neil, tired and sweaty, fall next to each other on the floor trying to catch their breath.

Jean turns his head to the side, looking at his friend, who is breathing heavily.

"Do you remember that time at the lake, when I told you that I would always have your back, no matter what?"

Neil rolls over onto his stomach, resting his chin on the clasped hands and looking up at him from under eyelashes.

"In the boathouse?"

"Yes."

Neil nods, remembering recent events for him, but not understanding what Jean is driving at.

"To tell the truth, I was head over heels in love with you then."

"You ?"

Neil props himself up on his elbows, exhaling in disbelief.

"Can't be. Is this why we stopped communicating? I got it?"

"Neil, you would never get it. Do not flatter yourself. It was I, the nigaud, who confessed to you and even kissed you. You got scared and ran away from me, by the way, hitting me well in the ribs. And then said that you weren't ready for this."

"And now we hardly saw each other or communicated all these years. Why did I quit sports then, if not because of you?"

"You changed, Neil. Started talking differently, behaving differently and dreaming differently. So you went away and I was left behind."

"I'm sorry. For me we are still friends."

"I couldn’t wait for you forever, Neil, and I didn’t know that I had anything to wait for. Now I'm happy with Jeremy. And you are married."

"You couldn’t foresee that I would have a head injury and forget about everything."

Jean smiles at him, looking into his eyes.

"Hey, I know it's weird, but we're still friends if that's what you want."

"I do. There are too many familiar people left around, I don’t want to lose you too."

Neil wipes away a tear that unexpectedly rolled down his cheek and sits down, turning away embarrassedly.

"Sorry, this is stupid."

Jean also sits down, gently turning him by the shoulders.

"Not at all. Petit renard, look at me, please."

Jean cups his face with his warm palms, forcing him to look at himself and patiently waiting for Neil to open his eyes.

"We practically didn’t communicate, but I saw you yesterday. Andrew doesn't seem like a bad person. He cares about you. But if you don't feel the same way or can't be yourself with him. You don't have to force yourself just because of a stamp in your passport."

He pulls his friend into a hug. And Neil rests his forehead on his shoulder, shaking with sobs. He did not hear the sound he made, and only felt how Jean suddenly tightened his hands, pressing him to his chest.

"I'm so confused, Jean! I don't know what to do?! They all keep telling me what a wonderful couple we are and how much I loved him. But I..."

Neil began to breathe quickly and shallowly. The air did not reach the lungs, and relief did not come. He moved his fingers again, then clenched his fists, crushing someone else's T-shirt. And stuttering, he tried to inhale and catch his breath.

"But what if I'm not gonna remember anything? What if I'm not gonna remember him?"

...

Andrew catches Neil in an interesting position. Having moved the round table and chairs to the side, Neil sat down directly on the floor of the makeshift dining room. He crawled on his knees with his head bowed, thereby lifting his tempting hips up. Andrew froze, looking at him from the kitchen. Short red hair stuck out in all directions from too much chattering, his home T-shirt had ridden up to expose his white lower back, and his soft pants were tight around his buttocks, leaving Andrew little to no imagination. It was as if someone had deliberately dimmed the lights in the room, leaving only the seductive image of Neil in sight. Suddenly it became too hot and Andrew looked away, praising himself for his restraint. God he misses Neil so much.

Taking a closer look, he notices that Neil is not just seducing him, but is busy with some kind of business. Laying out photos?

Belatedly slamming the glass door and deliberately stomping, he walks forward.

"Hey."

Neil looks up from what he's doing and sits on the floor, still holding stacks of photographs in his hands. Andrew is just now noticing a red nose, as if he had been crying, and a slightly frantic look in his eyes, which is nothing unusual.

"Hey. How are you?"

Neil bites his lip and returns to his strange activity.

"Fine."

"Have you moved all the boxes?"

"Yes. Enough for a couple of days. The bar is in shambles."

Andrew throws his jacket onto a chair standing on the table for some reason and comes closer to his husband, who is sorting through the pictures.

"Mmm. That's good. Good."

Neil listens to him with half an ear. Words are not lingered long enough for the brain to process what has been said.

"But I'm glad to be home with you. Where you are...?"

Andrew spreads his arms to the sides, unable to find words to describe what is happening in front of him. Neil looks up and winces as he surveys the mess.

"Sorry. You probably hate messes, and I screwed up as usual. I'll clean everything up, I promise, just look what I did!"

Andrew sits down next to him on the hard floor and obediently looks down.

"Cool collage."

"Did I make collages?"

Andrew grins and hastens to shake his head.

"No, as far as I know."

"Hmm"

Neil nods and places a few more photos on the floor.

"No. You see, I was so inspired by this meeting with everyone yesterday."

Andrew suppresses his flaring jealousy towards the black-haired Frenchman and leans closer, pressing his hip against the soft fabric of Neil's pants.

"Were you inspired to make a collage?"

Neil, as if not noticing the mockery in his voice, only becomes more enthusiastic, reminiscent of Kevin talking about the difference between obsidian black and onyx black for choosing a wedding suit. Two junkies.

"There are so many memories and I decided to organize them."

Neil points out the order of the photos and Andrew begins to guess what's going on here.

"Make a kind of timeline, you know, of my life."

"This is cool."

Andrew looks with tenderness at Neil's glowing gaze and is glad that he is not the only one working to regain lost memories.

"Great idea."

But the praise is apparently unnecessary, because Neil is bent all over as if all the bones were pulled out of him at once. He rests his cheek on Andrew's hard shoulder, sighing heavily and causing the other man to freeze. This is the closest they've had since last night, when Neal offered him a seat next to him on the swing.

"Yes. I kind of rummaged through some of your stuff, I hope you don't mind."

Andrew gently tucks the strands of hair that are getting into Neil's eyes behind his ears, running his fingertips along his cheekbones.

:It’s fine. Everything that's mine is yours. I even have a certificate from the States of Illinois to prove it."

Neil nods, closing his eyes and leaning into the gentle touch when, emboldened, Andrew begins to stroke his hair, running it through his fingers and massaging his scalp.

"Yes, I found it in the stack of evidence too."

Neil makes air quotes, exhaling heavily and opening his eyes indicating the beginning of all this madness.

"See, I started over here. I found some school and family photos, me when I was little, stuff like that."

Andrew looks at the very first photograph of 10-year-old, gloomy Neil, taken, as he knows, on the first day of his adoption by the Waymacks. Next is a childhood photo of him with little Kevin playing football, 13th birthday with a cake and balloons. Andrew smiles as he looks at his high school prom photo and Neil rolls his eyes and cockily throws his jacket over his shoulder and blows his gum. Then he sees Dan and Matt, which means Neil has reached the university time.

"That was easy to put into chronological order, because I remember this period."

"Remember good, right?"

Neil shrugs and nods, contradicting himself but too tired to notice.

"Yes, yes, I guess so. You know, my memory has always been so-so."

Neil pulls away from him, sitting up straight and running his fingers over the nearby photographs.

"But what I've been trying to do is pinpoint it."

Neil points his finger at the photo, as if looking through it.

"The last memory I had before everything just went blank."

He sighs, slapping the floor and kicking the photographs, breaking the line. And Andrew hastily catches him in arms, pulling towards and calming him down.

"Did it not work out?"

Neil shakes his head, tightening his fingers around Andrew's strong arms, forcing to hug him tighter.

"I think I was at the Macorni & Grill restaurant, and I was asking them if they had those special toasted ravioli. And I don’t remember what they answered me!"

Neil exclaims with such desperation in his voice that Andrew has to suppress a smile. He hums sympathetically and places a light kiss on Neil's temple.

"That's it ! That is my last memory. Then I woke up in the hospital."

"Terrible. Now we won’t know if they had the toasted ravioli."

Neil weakly slaps him on the arm and laughs, turning from laughter to light groans of disappointment.

"This is not happening..."

Andrew releases the hug, patting Neil's back softly.

"It's okay."

"This just can't be..."

Neil sobs, hiding his face in his hands, and Andrew freezes, not knowing what to do. He looks at the mischievous flowers peeking out from behind the collar of a T-shirt too big for Neil. Having made a decision, he reaches out his hand, tightly squeezing him by the neck and slightly pulling the hair at the back of his head. But contrary to his usual relaxation, Neil screams in fear and jerks convulsively from his grip. Andrew hastily removes his hands allowing Neil to break free and jump away from him, rising to his feet and taking a step back. Andrew also stands up, putting his hands in front of him and looking into his arctic blue eyes, wide with horror.

"What are you doing?"

Neil's voice is quiet from the panic that is clearly audible in him, and Andrew already regrets that he listened to Nicky. Although of course he can’t blame anyone but himself for this.

"Sorry."

Andrew steps aside, clearing the entrance and driving himself into a trap. He doesn't like being in a corner where he can't escape, it reminds him of the past. But now Neil’s comfort and tranquility are more important than any memories.

"Sorry."

Neil notices his movement and relaxes a little, getting the opportunity to escape.

"I...was that..."

His voice fails him and Neil clears his throat, clearing away the panic and reminding himself that Andrew won't touch him.

"That was one of our things before?"

Andrew takes a step towards the terrace.

"Yeah, kind of. I...didn't mean to scare you. This used to help."

Neil makes way for him, watching as Andrew hides his gaze and hurries towards the door. He feels guilty, once again ruining everything he touches.

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize, I get it. Everything will come back..."

Andrew's voice trembles slightly and Neil wants to cry again.

"We just have to keep doing what we're doing and let you fall back into your life. It'll all sort itself out. I'm sorry."

Andrew rushes out into the street, hiding his raw emotions in the darkness. This look from his native eyes, full of horror from fear, will haunt him today and many nights later. He never wanted to be the cause of this horror. Neil had never been afraid or looked at him like that before.

"Yeah."

Neil remains inside, allowing the artificial light to illuminate his still shaking hands and the tears continuously flowing down his face.

Chapter Text

Neil always loved this time of day the most. It was always too noisy during the day and he had a lot of other more important things to do that didn’t want to end. The evening could have been calm, but Neil was too tired living up to this time. But the morning...it was something different, something special for him. He always tried to get up before everyone else, since childhood, when he was adopted. He would wake up as early as possible and hide on the roof, wrapping himself in a thin sweater to hide from the still cold night air. And all in order to see it.

The sunrise.

A sight that took his breath away, no matter how many times he watched it. The first rays of the sun painted the sky in warm shades, driving away the darkness of the night, timidly at first, and then more and more boldly. Neil watched how night and day fought in a silent battle and even knowing the outcome in advance, he was worried that now the night would absorb these thin rays and he would again be left alone in the darkness. This continued for several months filled with lonely silence and quiet fear before he fell down the stairs at school, scaring his new "brother" to death. Surprisingly, this accident broke not only his leg, but also the cold neutrality between him and Kevin and made them real brothers.

Unaccustomed to being cared for, Neil didn’t say a word to anyone when, after being discharged, he tried to go up to the roof again in the morning. Neil was going to struggle with the stairs for a long time, not quite understanding how he would climb with the cast. However, that early morning, when he opened the door to his room, he found Kevin sleeping near his threshold, right on the floor. From an unexpected blow, he immediately woke up and looked up at Neil in a daze, trying to wake up.

"What?"

"What?"

They went to the roof together. Kevin helped him up the stairs, and, wrapped in his blanket Neil greeted the sun in warmth for the first time. Kevin fell asleep a few minutes later with his head on Neil's shoulder and drooling on the home shirt. Seeing the first rays of the sun, Neil tensed, expecting the usual fear, but it did not come. For the first time in all these short years that Neil managed to survive, he saw a dawn, not a battle, but real magic. He froze with his eyes wide open, watching as bright colors filled the sky, harmoniously intertwining with the night. Tears streamed down his face. And Neil was in no hurry to wash them, too fascinated by this magic. Kevin gave him hope that morning. And Neil allowed himself to believe it, like a ray of sunshine, timid at first, he gently entered the family that accepted him and surrounded him with care. And I have never regretted it.

Later, he stopped watching the sunrise on the roof, preferring to greet the new day while running.
But until now, when he hesitated or was worried, he watched the dawn.

After being discharged from the hospital, Neil was too busy worrying and forgot about his little tradition. But today Neil slipped out of the house before dawn, leaving the sleeping Andrew behind and running. The sun enveloped him in a warm embrace, inspiring hope. And Neil, closing his eyes and exposing his face to the light, regained his lost calm. He knew that after this his freckles would go crazy and, as if charged by the sun, would flare up all over his face with renewed vigor. But Neil didn't care. He had not felt such peace for a long time. Everything was as it should be and Neil, filled with energy, ran back home.

The earlier morning had bathed the small house in a warm glow, illuminating the neat rows of bricks in a bright red light, and Andrew sat on the steps looking soft and sleepy as he basked in the rays of the sun. Clutching a smoldering cigarette between his lips, he deftly intertwined the thin stems of freshly picked forget-me-nots. Fragile sky-blue petals have already scattered around him, but Andrew does not pay attention to them, concentrating on his painstaking work. Right before the eyes, in Andrew’s dexterous hands, lonely flowers, tightly intertwined with each other’s stems in a bizarre composition, spun in a dance, forming a real flower crown.

Without raising his eyes, he gently runs his fingertips over the finished wreath. Mentally berating himself for being so stupid. After yesterday's incident, Andrew couldn't calm down for a long time and called his cousin. His boyfriend Erik was also there and trying to distract him he decided to tell one of the legends. About forget-me-nots.

Forget-me-nots are a reminder of those who are no longer around. A symbol of memory of the past and hope for a bright future. And somewhere this delicate flower is considered a love spell. There is even a belief that if you put a wreath of forget-me-nots on your loved one’s chest near the heart, then the love will be eternal.

Erik told him about a legend that is very widespread among them in Germany:

"A young boy and a girl fell in love with each other, but unfortunately, they had to part. Saying goodbye, they exchanged forget-me-not flowers to remember each other. The girl waited for her beloved for many years, every spring she came to a forest clearing and picked forget-me-nots. She was already old, but he still didn’t return. But the next time she came to the clearing again and saw a gray-haired old man there. At the same time, they bent down to pick a blue flower, their hands meeting. The aged lovers finally recognized each other and realized that their love remained the same, despite such a long separation."

Exhaling thick smoke in irritation, Andrew tossed the wreath aside and shook off the blue petals. Taking another deep drag, he stared at the horizon, waiting for his husband, who had again forgotten to take his phone with him.

Running up to the house, Neil was surprised to see Andrew on the porch. He sat on the steps leisurely smoking, judging by the still smoking cigarette butt, already his second cigarette and again only half full. Not that Neil was watching or counting, but it was hard not to notice this little oddity. Andrew always smokes exactly half a cigarette and crosses the invisible line throws it away, wasting his money. Neil doesn't say anything, but wonders why they joked about his sweet tooth and possible diabetes, but not about lungs cancer. Although judging by Andrew's habit, this was quite likely. Neil himself does not smoke. He monitors the condition of his lungs, he is an athlete... or rather, he was the one.

Next to Andrew stands this monstrous mug, which Neil himself once bought for him. Andrew turns his head slightly in his direction, catching the footsteps and with an elegant movement of his long fingers, shakes off the ashes directly into the bushes of tattered forget-me-nots. Neol, following him with his gaze, not believing his eyes, notices a neat blue wreath in the grass. This can't be true.

Neil hesitates for a second as he approaches the house. They haven't talked about what happened last night yet, and Neil can still feel the bitter aftertaste of what happened on the tip of his tongue.
Gathering all his will into a fist and looking at the dawn for the last time, he turns around, drowning in the light brown darkness of the eyes opposite.

"You know, I think I'm ready to see my studio now."

Andrew's eyes widened in disbelief. Getting up from the uncomfortable sofa in the living room today, he didn't know what to expect from his bunny. He planned to distance himself a little from Neil and give him space, no matter how much it hurt him to think about it. No matter how skillfully Andrew held his face, last night left a deep scar on his heart. He knows that maybe they should talk about this. But Andrew was afraid of ruining everything even more than it already was. And having now heard from Neil about the studio, Andrew was relieved to grab this opportunity.

"What do you say? Will you show it to me?"

Neil smiles softly at him, twitching his hands nervously and biting his lip. But Andrew did not pay attention to this, too pleased by his husband’s unexpected request.

"Let's go."

He hastily puts out the second cigarette, right in the middle, and with a practiced motion throws both butts into the trash can. Andrew jumps up from his seat, picking up the empty mug and quickly returns to the house.

"I'll just take the keys."

Neil nods, instantly clenching his cold fingers into a fist and barely restraining the exciting trembling in his body. What's wrong with him? This is just his studio. Just a place for which he gave up sports, dreams of a career and old friends. Just a common thing. This is not what he does for a living. Wait a minute, that's exactly it. Neil breathes in and out nervously, just like Kevin taught him. And he began to count to himself.

1 in 2 out 3 in 5...

Neil grinds his teeth in irritation, getting confused, even in his head he still manages to screw up, well, what is this if not natural talent?

1 in 2 out 3 in...

Andrew returns earlier than Neil planned and he doesn't have time to finish his breathing exercise. He follows him out of the house, jumping from the emotions overwhelming him, and Andrew, having finally pulled himself together, notices this. He offers him his hand and Neil clings to it like a drowning man in a life preserver.

And while Neil is shaking, Andrew almost enjoys a spontaneous walk through the empty streets, as if there were only the two of them left in this world.

The studio, contrary to Neil’s fears, is not far away at all. And although they only walked for about 10 minutes, it seemed to him that at least half an hour had passed. Andrew quickly finds the right key in his pocket and hands it to Neil.

"If you want to do it yourself."

Oh Neil definitely doesn’t want that. His hands are shaking too much to insert the key into the keyhole. But he is not going to admit it and he had to blush and shame himself under Andrew’s mocking gaze for 2 whole minutes before he could open the heavy door.

"Come on, bunny, after you."

Neil walks inside keeping silent. The studio is in twilight, but after blinking and getting used to the darkness, Neil was able to see everything properly.

"You rented this studio just for yourself."

Neil hears out of the corner of his ear, constantly looking at his own workshop. And it was amazing, his eyes run around the huge room trying to explore as much as possible at a time. All four walls were painted in different colors: black with white dots, reminding Neil of the starry sky and he is not sure, but he seems to be able to see the constellation Phoenix, in the 8th grade he became seriously interested in space and, like crazy, he memorized the names of all 88 constellations.

Another wall decorated with bricks, reminding him of the walls of his and Andrew’s house, stood directly opposite the window, which is why it shone blood red from the rare rays of sunlight falling inside. Another blue one, covered with so many sheets and scraps of paper that the color was practically invisible. And the last wall, completely white. Neil runs his fingertips along it and looks back questioningly. Andrew, who is watching him, as if understanding the silent hint, takes a step closer to him.

"You love working in front of it."

Andrew expertly grabs a table on wheels and moves it so that it stands directly in front of this white thing, which stands out clearly against the background of the rest of the room.

"You put the table like this and look at it while you work."

Neil raises an eyebrow in disbelief and speaks slowly and deliberately, looking at Andrew as if he were crazy.

"Are you saying I'm looking at an empty wall?"

"Don't look at me like that. You are the one who keeps repeating your inspired nonsense about emptiness and possibilities."

"“Emptiness is actually not emptiness at all, but an endless potential of possibilities.”"

Neil whispers quietly and Andrew nods.

"Exactly. You say that looking at this wall you understand that everything is possible."

"Ha. I was a fucking poetic asshole, wasn't I?"

"Nothing changed. You still are."

Neil winces in irritation and turns away, looking at the studio. In addition to the huge number of different cabinets, shelves and the terrifying disorder on them, and Neil has no doubt that the same mayhem is happening inside. He notices a stand with clay and two huge statues nearby. Either human figures frozen in a bizarre dance or trees swaying in the wind. They weren't finished.

"What do you think ?"

Neil sighs as he looks at the clay on the table and takes one piece in his hands to distract himself.

"It's... great here."

He squeezes out without raising his eyes and looking at the sketches on the blue wall. Layouts and drawings of strange structures that were incomprehensible to him. There was even a shopping list: bread, milk, eggs...

"At first you weren't sure you liked it".

Neil listens to him without distracting himself from his study of clumsy squiggles and sharp strokes.

"Until you came up with the idea of ​​burning ritual herbs. More precisely, it was Nicky who gave you the idea, and you fell for it. You bought them from some guy."

Andrew chuckles, remembering the past.

"You even forced me to participate in this. We set them on fire and started waving them around. Then we only realized that it was dried marijuana. Only you could have screwed up like that: mixed up the address and mistook a drug dealer for a priest."

Neil turns around interestedly, looking up from his sketches and freezes in the middle of the studio, feeling incredibly lost.

"So we waved them until the smoke filled the whole room. And we were not covered. It was quite funny. But you still have a scar after this, a tiny cut on your shoulder."

Neil reaches out to his shoulder, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"The scar?"

"I said it was funny, even hot."

Neil chuckles, trying not to think too much about the double meaning of Andrew's words.

"it'd worked anyway. Then it was impossible to get you out of here."

Neil again makes a full circle around the room, shaking his hands and smiling sheepishly, trying to hide his increasingly growing panic. But Andrew, who indulged in memories, could no longer be stopped.

"You woukd come in and crank your music, and you'd get lost in a project.
And I'd have to come and remind you that it was already night-time."

Neil clenches his jaw, not sharing Andrew’s joy at all, and every minute he regrets more and more that he came here in the first place. This was not some fun stroll or educational tour of his forgotten life. No. This was and is his life. This is what he lived for. Just like Andrew said, he worked here until late, burning marijuana and creating art. But in this life there was no longer a place for him, all this remained in the past. Neil, even if he wanted to, could not even mold an even ball, much less bring to life even one of his sketches. Neil looks at the statues again. How is he going to finish this?

"This is one of your works for the Tribune Tower lobby."

"And what is it supposed to be?"

"I'm not even sure if you knew it yourself."

Andrew replies pointlessly, stepping aside and leaving a confused Neil behind. His desperate gaze slides along the curves of the statues and Neil feels the cold emanating from them. He's a stranger here.

"Here, take it."

Andrew puts a strange tool into his hand that looks like either a small shovel or a cake knife. And Neil shakes his head trying to bring him back.

"No, I don't..."

"Just try."

Andrew steps aside to make room for him and leaves Neil alone with the panic twisting inside him.

"Help them understand what they want to be."

Neil sighs, closing his eyes and exhaling, still agrees.

"OK..."

But he doesn’t even know how to approach or where to start, and the strange object lies uncomfortably in his hand. He turns to Andrew with tears in his eyes and calls out in a broken voice.

"I don't even know how to use this thing."

But Andrew doesn’t hear him, he just shakes his head enthusiastically.

"You do. Wait a minute."

He takes his phone out of his pocket and quickly connects it to the speaker standing in the corner. Loud music fills the space driving the silence away.

"Can you just turn off the music..."

Neil begins to shake and he clenches his teeth against the onset of a migraine pounding at his temples.

"Usually you used to listen it even so much louder than this!"

The pain hits him with heat in the back of his head, spreading to his temples and flooding his eyes.

"Andrew, music..."

"I never coukd understand how you managed to concentrate..."

"Andrew, please!"

Unable to bear it, Neil screams angrily and throws the spatula aside, covering his ears. Andrew finally stops talking and now looks at him silently with wide eyes. Neil realizes what he just said and gasps for air trying to take the words back.

"I'm sorry, Andrew. Sorry. I know you don't like this word...I.."

Neil breathes a sigh of relief when Andrew turns off the phone and the music stops. His hands began to shake and his head began to pound mercilessly.

Andrew loses the remnants of self-control before his eyes, all the hope, sadness and fear of the last weeks merge into a feeling that Andrew knows well - anger. He hits the table with a backhand, demolishing the speaker and it breaks with a loud thud, scattering across the floor. Neil flinches at the sound and unconsciously takes a step back. He had never seen Andrew angry, but for the first time his light brown eyes burned with pure rage, and that rage was now directed at him.

"I'm trying to help you!"

Andrew screams and kicks the clay table with all his might causing it to fly across the studio and crash into the blue wall behind Neil causing several sketches to come off and fall down suddenly disturbed. Neil lowers his gaze, freezing in place like a frightened animal, not knowing whether to run or fight. He doesn’t know this person, much less what he is capable of when angry.

"Don't take your anger out on me."

He hisses, pointing his finger at Neil and approaching dangerously.

"We never speak to each other like this!"

He screams. Neil looks up only to see Andrew vigorously rubbing his face. But this reminder, this rebuke of the past, makes him move and his mouth opens before Neil can think of what he wants to say.

"I don’t know how we talk!!! If you haven't noticed yet, I don't know anything at all! What do you expect from me Andrew? This is not my life!! This is not mine!"

Neil shouts back and spreads his arms out to the sides. He turns around and starts tearing the sketches off the walls.

"That's not mine!!!"

His own anger burns the throat painfully. The paper flies to the sides. Neil goes to the cabinet in the corner where there are small jars. They also fall under his hot hand and fly to the floor.

"Neil."

"And this is not mine either! All of these! This studio, this house, this life. Do you even understand how I feel coming here?! How do I feel every day when I open my eyes? I have to convince myself that everything will be fine. That this disgusting feeling will not last forever. You keep telling me that this is my home too, but it’s not. All this belongs to the Neil you love. But it’s not me, can’t you see it?! I walk as if on a tightrope over the abyss, afraid to take an extra step and trying to withstand the wind. I wonder what your Neil would do or if I said it right. And you look at me with those eyes all the time, do you think I don’t notice?"

"It’s hard for me too, Neil! You were right, okay? I lost my husband that night, and his living reminder is walking right before my eyes. And you are so like him...you do something or say something without even thinking, and I freeze with hope. But there is less and less of it. You think I don't walk a tightrope? I'm trying, okay? I’m trying to help you and not to put pressure on you, I’m trying so hard to get my husband back."

"That's it."

Neil puts his right hand in his pocket, feeling for his wedding ring in his pocket. Since Andrew gave it to him, he has not left it anywhere, carrying it with him everywhere. And even this morning he took it for a run.

"You hope he comes back. But what if that’s not the case, what if he’s gone forever and it’s just me left?"

"The doctor said that your long-term memory remained intact. And you can remember your life..."

"I thought you had an eidetic memory."

Neil smiles bitterly.

"Dr. Grey said they hope I can remember. But how much has hope given you in this life?"

"The world is cruel."

"No, it’s not the world that is cruel, but people. And I don't want to be cruel to you. I don’t know you, but I have seen enough, you are a good person to whom a lot of bad things happened."

"Abram..."

Neil recoils to the side looking at him in shock.

"No. Do not call me that."

"You gave me this name."

"That's the whole problem, Andrew. I didn't give you anything. I didn't meet you. I didn't talk to you or fall in love with you. I opened my eyes in the hospital and found out that I had forgotten the last 6 years of my life. Do you even understand?! This is almost a quarter of my entire life and it’s just not there. Everything around me has changed, but not me! I didn’t choose you, I didn’t tell you my secrets and I didn’t get married. It wasn't me!"

"Neil, bunny, I..."

"NO! He is not here! Finally understand it! He will not return!!! Your Neil is dead! He was thrown out of the car, his damn head smashed on the windshield and he bled to death on the road. He had died."

Andrew leaves loudly slams the door and Neil sinks to the floor for some reason, starting to frantically pick up the scraps of sketches scattered on the floor.

"What am I doing?"

...

Andrew finishes his cigarette. His fingers trembling when there's only half left, but he can't bring himself to finish. It started as a tribute to tradition, he and Neil constantly smoked one cigarette between them and over time it became their secret code. A way to say that they are always there. And now, clutching the dying cigarette, Andrew could not finish smoking it, it turned into a kind of ritual, smoking a cigarette halfway in the hope that Neil would one day return and demand his share.

"Damn"

Click. Fire. Smoke.

Andrew lights a new one and exhales cigarette smoke through his nose, leaning his back against the wall of the house behind him. The day has just begun, but Andrew already wants to get drunk.

"Andrew? What's happening to you now?"

He takes a bite of his cigarette and puts the phone to his ear.

"I'm smoking."

A raucous laugh emerges from the speakers. And Andrew closes his eyes, feeling the brick behind him warming up from the morning sun.

"I know. And you know that's not what I asked."

Andrew is silent, releasing smoke rings with his mouth and admiring how they dissolve in the air. So much practice and effort, but they appear only for seconds, and then disappear forever. What then is their meaning of existence?

Andrew exhales shapeless smoke again, he and Neil once watched Animal Planet and he still remembers the report from there, it’s hard to forget something when you have an eidetic memory. Butterflies. These fragile little and such beautiful creatures. Their lives are not easy, but they are also terribly short. These colorful creatures live only one day. Just one day. So what's the point then? Why did nature create them to live such a short life?

"This is the first time you’ve called since the accident, do you want to tell me what happened?"

Andrew clenches his fists and opens his eyes. He feels himself like a butterfly. The smallest, darkest and most repulsive. He feels that his whole life now has no meaning. Why does he need the remaining time if his Neil is not there? What then is the meaning?

"I think I'm losing him, Bee."

...

Andrew slowly walks home, lost in thought, still thinking about his conversation with Betsy. He doesn't often call her for work. Their relationship evolved from psychologist/patient to friendship when Andrew graduated from university and stopped cutting himself. But still, in especially difficult moments, he calls her, and she always answers.

A familiar car stands in front of the house and Andrew quickens his pace. Kevin sits on the steps of their house and nervously shakes his leg, not foretelling anything good. Noticing him, he jumps up and quickly approaches him, blocking the entrance.

"Andrew, wait..."

"What are you doing here?"

A trembling takes over his body and Andrew is afraid to find out the answer to his question.

"Neil called us, he cried and said that you two had a fight... Stop!"

"Let me pass, Wymack! He's still my husband."

Andrew hisses, pushing Kevin away and trying to get around him.

"He is. Come on...listen to me, okay? This doesn't change anything between you, he's just...Andrew!"

He no longer listens to Kevin and bursts into his own home and notices Neil and David leaving the bedroom with a bag.

"Hello, Andrew."

He ignores the greeting and looks only at his husband.

"You're not going anywhere."

Neil sighs and nods to his father.

"Go, dad, I'll talk to him."

"Andrew..."

"What, you didn’t even plan to say goodbye? Are you running away from home?"

Neil shakes his head wearily. His face is pale and his eyes are red. Kevin didn't lie, Neil was crying. Andrew's heart aches with the thought that it was his fault and that he was the reason for his tears.

"No, I'm returning home."

Neil looks at him regretfully and sighs, gaining confidence.

"Listen, now there is so much trouble about the wedding and Kevin could use my help..."

Andrew can't help but snort loudly. What a stupid lie. Neil could have chosen something more convincing.

"Your help? Don't make me laugh. No one who knows you would trust you to even choose napkins for the wedding table."

"Hey! There's also this engagement party tonight!"

Neil makes an offended face, but Andrew doesn't fall for it.

"You hate big holidays and hate organization."

Neil winces, but is not going to go back on his words and accept a well-deserved defeat. So Andrew comes in from the other side.

"And you decided to leave everything here? A job? Your home ?"

"Me?" This didn’t sound out loud, but they didn’t need it to. Both understand what the last words mean. Neil looks into Andrew's eyes.

"I talked to the customers and they treated my...situation with understanding. And I think it would be better for me to be somewhere else now. We both need some time. The last two days have been very...stressful."

Andrew shakes his head in disbelief.

"It wasn't stressful. It was completely fucked up and it will happen again and maybe even worse, Neil. This is called family life."

Andrew takes a step forward, closing the distance between them.

"So, what is next? I will be afraid to say an extra word, and you will look at me as the shadow of the person you knew? And you walk on tiptoe around me? Are you going to sleep on this couch every night?"

"I will. If it means you'll stay."

Andrew nods seriously, but Neil just smiles bitterly.

"Come on, Andrew. I see how you rub your neck every morning. Soon you won't even be able to straighten up..."

"Are you now seriously putting our marriage and my bad back on the same scale? I thought you were much smarter. Maybe you don’t know, but there is such an incredible thing as ointment."

"Andrew! It's not funny! We have tried and it didn't work. We accumulate this tension within ourselves and then break down, I don’t want that. I do not want to hurt you. But what I said today..."

"I forgive you!"

Andrew says quickly.

"I was in a hurry too, you were right Neil, this is not your life. But it could be yours. I want to share it with you."

"Andrew, this is not forever, do you hear me? Just for the duration of the wedding and then we'll try again, okay?"

Andrew knows if someone leaves he can't stop them, but he tries anyway.

"Tell me, what should I do to make you stay? Anuthing. Just say and you'll get it."

Neil stretches his arms forward and Andrew wraps his own arms around him, hugging and holding him close. He smells of sun and home and Andrew doesn't want to lose him.

"The memory. Give me back my memory."

...

"So, how are you feeling?"

The light of the flashlight shines brightly into his eyes and Neil forces himself to remain in place, squeezing his fingers on the cold surface of the examination table on which he was sitting. This special and incomparable smell of the hospital bothered him and Neil wanted to get out of here as quickly as possible.

"I'm fine."

Dr. Grey nods with satisfaction, finally lets go of his head and steps back a little. She picks up his medical record and quickly writes something down.

"Neil."

His mother, sitting on a chair next to the examination table, calls him reproachfully. She folds her arms over her chest and frowns at him.

"We were talking about it."

Oh, sure. Neil gasps in indignation, suppressing the onset of a headache. He just wants to go home.

"That's true. I'm fine!"

"Do you want me to call your older brother here?"

She raises an eyebrow. But Neil only folds his arms over his chest in imitation of her and squints his eyes skeptically.

"He is choosing the cake for the wedding."

Abby stands up and picks up her phone. Neil gets tensed watching her.

"You're bluffing."

"Doctor Grey, I hope you don’t mind? I think his brother can at least slightly influence his honesty."

Well, no, Neil thinks. If Kevin is given the opportunity to come here once, then he will tag along with Neil all the time. They'd been through this before, that time when Neil got pneumonia and didn't tell anyone that he wasn't feeling well. Kevin went with him to all the doctor’s appointments and, not wanting to leave him alone, even wanted to move into his room, it’s good that his parents dissuaded him, citing the contagiousness. But memory loss is not contagious, and Kevin is already on the verge of a nervous breakdown over the wedding and planning the engagement party, who knows what he will be capable of. Neil is not ready now to meet him in the overprotective brother mode at maximum speed.

"Of course."

"OK! Don't call him!"

Neil blurts out and winces when his mother, smiling victoriously, sits back down in her seat. Damn, she was bluffing. When his parents realized that Kevin's lectures and nagging worked better on him than his mother's persuasion and his father's stern voice, they did not hesitate to use the opportunity presented to them every time Neil became too stubborn for his own good.

"So how did you say you feel?"

Neil sighs heavily in defeat and turns to the doctor with an apologetic smile.

"Sometimes I get dizzy and my vision gets a little dark, but rarely..."

He adds, noticing his mother’s worried look. The doctor nods, making notes on his chart.

"Insomnia or headache?"

"Mmm no. At least no more than usual."

Abby gives her son a sympathetic look.

"Neil has an anxiety disorder."

"This is normal after an injury, and even more so with an anxiety disorder this often happens. Your CT scan looks great and I have no reason to believe that anything is wrong."

Neil smiles with relief and exchanges glances with his mother. Abby is also relieved by the good news.

"Doctor...I wanted to ask. About my memory."

Neil starts out hesitantly. He doesn’t even understand what exactly he wants to ask now.

"It still hasn’t started to recover?"

"No. Nothing at all."

The doctor nods at him, returning to the pictures. Frowning, she takes a closer look at the image of his brain and Neil tenses.

"Hmm, I see nothing wrong."

"This is not normal, is it?"

"In such cases, everything is abnormal. There are no normal brain injuries here."

Neil exhales in frustration and cowers on the exam table. His mother gets up from her seat and hugs his shoulders in support.

"Neil, don't put pressure on yourself, honey."

The doctor observes them for several minutes and then carefully interrupts their idyll.

"Mrs.Wymack, coukd I talk to Neil alone for a moment?"

Abby gives him another worried look, as if asking if she should stay or if he'll be okay. Neil smiles, he remembers this look has not changed at all in 6 years, it seems his family will take care of him all his life, no matter how old he is.

"Everything is fine, mom. I promise I won't escape through the window this time."

Abby kisses the top of his head and walks out into the hallway.

"I'll call your father and brother for now. They are also very worried."

The door closes behind her and Neil looks questioningly at the doctor.

"Neil, tell me, do you want to regain your memory?"

Easy question. The very easy one to which there was only one correct answer, yes. Of course Neil wants his memory back. He wants to remember the missing 6 years of his life, he wants to remember what has changed and why he quit sports and became an artist. Neil wants to remember how he met his new friends and all their joint holidays and trips captured in photographs on the wall in his and Andrew’s bedroom. And of course, he wants to remember his husband. He wants to know how they met and how they found their way to each other’s hearts. Neil saw and felt how much Andrew loved him and wants to remember this feeling too. But still, despite all this, he hesitates.

"Yes, sure."

Dr. Grey looks like he doesn't believe a word of it, but doesn't accuse him of lying.

"I asked because sometimes patients are afraid that when their memory comes back, so will the memory of the trauma. But mercifully that's rarely the case."

"No, that's not the point."

He admits in a quiet voice.

"I'm not afraid to remember the accident. There have been things in my life much worse than an overturned car."

"So what are you afraid of?"

Neil raises his eyes to the ceiling, trying to find the answer there, since his head is a complete mess.

"Probably...I guess I just... I don’t know...It's..."

Neil pauses for a second, thinking about his answer, and then blurts out in one breath.

"I mean, what if I don’t like the life that I had? Or vice versa..."

Neil remembers his husband. How affectionately Andrew calls him bunny every time and how tenderly he looks at him.

"What if I like that life too much?"

He smiles sadly and rubs his eyes.

"It's stupid, I know."

"I’m not a specialist in psychoanalysis, but I can say for sure that there is nothing stupid here. But I have some advice, and it may seem stupid to you."

The doctor adjusts his white coat and Neil looks at her with interest.

"You have to try to fill in the holes. The past can be strange, amazing and even frightening, and you can still decide you want a different life. But if you don't at least open yourself up to remembering...I'm afraid you will never know what is there and you're gonna live in fear be of your own past all your life."

...

"ANDREW! YOU CAME!!!"

Roland shouts over the loud music. The darkness of the bar is diluted by bright spotlights. And Andrew closes his eyes as he heads to the bar. Things are going well, even very well, and today there are already a lot of people here. Andrew has to avoid them all.

Roland smiles at him from behind the counter and nods, appreciating his frown.

"Got it. Give me a sec."

A glass appears in front of him. Without asking, Andrew takes a long sip of the scalding liquid. Just what he needs. Whiskey.

"More?"

"No."

Andrew shakes his head and taps the watch on his wrist.

"Formal reception."

Roland gives him a critical look.

"You look great."

"Yeah."

"Hey, are you okay?"

Andrew is silent for a long time, looking at the glass.

"Will you work here without me for a while?"

"What?"

"I need more time."

"Is there something wrong with Neil? Has he gotten worse?"

"No. And yes. It's complicated and I don't want to explain anything. Just say yes or no. I'll take care of the documents, I need you to keep an eye on everything here for a couple of evenings."

"Yes of course. How much do you need."

Andrew nods and sends his now glass back to the bartender.

"Another one."

Chapter Text

The big Wymack house is filled with a noisy crowd of people. The walls are decorated with elaborate decorations and floral designs. People are chatting slowly in the courtyard with glasses of cool champagne in their hands. Andrew has no doubt that it is very good and expensive champagne. Kevin has always been unbearable in matters of organization.

"Andrew!"

Andrew turns to the sound of his name. Abby, in a beautiful red dress, walks towards him with a bright, slightly tense smile.

"Dear, how glad I am that you came!"

She doesn't even try to hug or even touch him. They had spent too much time side by side to know a little more about each other than everyone else. David follows his wife and offers him the hand and Andrew shakes it without hesitation. Only now noticing how tense the man in front of him really is.

"It's good that you're here."

David exhales and smiles at him with relief. Andrew feels himself slowly relaxing. He'd been hesitant to come here at first, after Neil had packed most of his things and left their house in tears.

"I was afraid you would change your mind about coming because of..."

"David!"

Abby shushes, shoving her husband in the side. Andrew hides his grin behind the glass of champagne, taking a sip and pretending not to notice the marital quarrel.

"Doesn't matter."

She says firmly and turns back to Andrew.

"We're glad you came, Andrew. We want you to know that you are always welcome here!"

David grabs his wife's arm and waves somewhere behind him.

"Neil is somewhere in the garden with Kevin. Have some fun!"

Gratefully nodding to them, Andrew strives deeper into the thick of things. Thea, all in white, shiny and shining, jumps out right in front of him, smiling widely.

"Andrew! You came!"

Andrew can't help but roll his eyes. Of course, he already knew that news was not kept secret for long in this family. Kevin has the boneless tongue. Andrew just hopes that not all the guests at the reception know about their quarrel with Neil.

"You look beautiful."

Andrew gives her a compliment, distracting her from the unpleasant topic.
Thea, as if realizing what he was trying to do, smiles at him and spins around demonstratively. The hem of her luxurious dress spins at the behest of the mistress, shining in the sun.

"Do you think so? Neil and Kevin have been telling me this all morning. But Kevin's status as a groom is supposed to tell me such things. And Neil... well, we both know his taste in such things, or rather the lack thereof."

She laughs and Andrew can’t help but laugh back. Neil really was a proverbial fashion disaster. And everyone already knew that they shouldn’t ask him for style advice.

“You really look amazing, Thea.”

"Well, I'll believe you. Thank you!"

Thea giggles as she straightens her already impeccably styled hair.

"Andrew?"

Kevin approaches them with a glass of something clearly not alcoholic and looks even more nervous than usual. He puts his arm around Thea's waist and nods in greeting.

"Has the countdown started? Goodbye single life."

Andrew grins and takes a glass from the tray of one of the many waiters scurrying around.

"What do you feel?"

Kevin sighs looking at Andrew.

"Actually, I'm delighted. This is true. Just wow. I just feel a little dizzy when I think about it."

Ouch. Thea instantly frowns and looks up at her fiancé with concern.

"What ?"

"No, honey."

Kevin rushes to calm her down, but it’s too late and his fiancée is overcome with anxiety.

"I mean it in a good way! This..."

Kevin looks back at Andrew for help, but he just shrugs: "You started this mess yourself, so you can sort it out yourself."

"It's like... panic!"

Andrew closes his eyes, it's not a good idea to tell your fiancée that you're panicking before the wedding. Andrew remembers himself on his and Neil's wedding day. He didn’t doubt it even for a minute and knew for sure that he wanted to spend his whole life with this impossible, sarcastic, and sometimes just annoying person. Except that he was a little afraid that Neil would change his mind at the last moment and run away from him with his heels sparkling. Fortunately, this did not happen.

"I meant delight!"

Kevin is trying to rehabilitate himself.

"What are they talking about?"

A quiet whisper is heard very close and, turning around, Andrew sees Neil smiling next to him. They both look at the couple in front of them as they watch the show unfold. Andrew tries to pull himself together and snorts, hiding the vulnerability in his voice.

“Your brother screwed up and now he’s only digging himself deeper and deeper.”

"Oh, nothing surprising."

Neil grins.

"I've been waiting all day for him to do something. He is just so nervous and now when he doesn't drink alcohol it's even worse. He should take a sedative or something."

"Well, Kevin. Panic and delight are two different things!"

Thea hisses exactly like an angry snake and Kevin peacefully raises his hands up, calling his girlfriend to calm down.

"Darling, we have 400 guests."

Kevin tries again to appeal to her voice of reason, but to no avail.

"And what?!"

Neil sighs heavily and turns to look at his husband.

"He only makes things worse. We need to save him. Any ideas?"

"Just watch and learn."

Andrew says and takes a step forward. He clears his throat, attracting the distressed couple's attention, and turns to Kevin.

"Kevin, tell me: do you happen to feel a tingling sensation in your fingers?"

Neil frowns behind him, unsure of what he's up to. But Kevin grabs onto this conversation like a drowning man grabs a life preserver and nods.

"Yes this is bad or what?"

Andrew pretends to be thoughtful.

"And you listen to Radiohead?"

"Maybe..."

"Do you know Thom Yorke?"

"British rock musician?"

Kevin clarifies and when Andrew nods he hesitates.

"Ummm...yes?"

"He sings about dizziness all the time. When he feels his fingers tingling, he knows he's creating something brilliant."

Kevin exhales with relief and looks at him with incredible gratitude. “Fuck you, Kevin” Andrew thinks to himself and casts a quick glance at Neil, who is delighted with his speech.

"But he still continues to play and even faints. Kevin, you may be on the verge of a brilliant discovery."

"Wow..."

Thea whispers and Kevin takes her by the arm and leads her into the crowd. Andrew takes a sip from his glass, the champagne is indeed very good, and turns to his own husband.

"How did you come up with this?"

Neil exclaims with admiration and Andrew shrugs.

"I didn’t come up with it. I once heard this on the radio."

He admits not wanting to deceive Neil even for good purposes.

"And you remembered everything? This is incredible, Andrew. You are incredible."

Neil shakes his head in shock.

"Although I felt like vomiting several times from all this cloying Thea and Kevin seemed to like it."

Andrew actually smiles at the disgusted grimace on Neil's face. He, as always, wrinkles his nose, causing Andrew’s heart to skip a few beats and stick out the tip of his tongue. Andrew watches his antics with a slight smile on his face.

"I'm glad to see you."

Andrew admits, lowering his voice, as if revealing a great secret. It’s true, not even a day has passed, and Andrew already misses him madly.

Neil smiles apologetically, nervously straightening his perfectly styled bangs, Kevin clearly had a main part in this. Neil himself never bothers with his appearance, much less thinks about such trifles as his hairstyle.

"And I'm glad."

Neil whispers in response, looking at him.

"You look great, by the way."

"You too."

Andrew notices, grinning.

"Kevin made me wear this. I couldn’t refuse him, after all, it’s his day."

Neil rolls his eyes, as if making excuses for his impeccable appearance. Andrew nods understandingly.

"You'll get your revenge after the wedding."

"Exactly."

Neil laughs, throwing his head back slightly and revealing a strong neck dotted with small freckles. Andrew swallows, trying to control himself, and blurts out.

"You know, I really came up with something."

"Yes? And what is it?"

Neil smiles interestedly.

"What book do you like?"

Neil chews his lip thoughtfully, looking to the side.

"Um, maybe you'll think about another one."

He warns, but Andrew just shakes his head.

"No matter. It's not about this."

"OK. "The Snowman" by Jo Nesbø."

Andrew raises his eyebrows in surprise. Neil did not read detective stories in his presence so often, preferring science fiction and drama.

"Really?"

Neil shrugs his shoulder offended, ready to defend his choice.

"Yes."

"OK. Let it be the snowman.

Andrew nods conciliatoryly, making amends.

"Would you let someone read it?"

"Yes, Dan probably."

"And you would say to yourself: it’s a pity that I’ve already read it and can no longer experience these emotions again?"

"Maybe."

Neil pulls, not understanding what Andrew is getting at.

"Let's look at us the same way."

"What do you mean?"

"This morning you said..."

Andrew starts, but Neil quickly interrupts.

"I'm really sorry about it, Andrew."

"It doesn't matter. The important thing is that you don’t remember how we met and you don’t remember how we fell in love with each other."

The smiles disappear from their faces and the conversation loses all its former fun.

"And to you it all sounds like nonsense. But for me..."

Andrew sighs in recognition.

"For me these were the best moments in my life. And I thought: how great it would be to experience this again."

Neil finally understands what was being said and smiles uncertainly.

"It’s like reading your favorite book again."

"Exactly."

"I got it."

"That's why I'm asking you on a date."

Neil freezes in surprise, raising his eyebrows in a silent question.

"Don't be so surprised. I thought I made it clear that I liked you."

Andrew grins, winking at him.

"Date?"

Neil asked stupidly.

"It will be like we meet for the first time."

"But we... are already married?"

Andrew rolls his eyes and starts fiddling with his wedding ring.

"Are you really one of those who believes that romance dies after marriage?"

"It's more like a weird role-playing game."

"If you like it that way."

"Well, I don’t even know... with all this pre-wedding turmoil..."

"If we get closer before the wedding, we could go together as a couple."

Neil smiles more confidently.

"I can’t promise anything, but I think everything will work out for us."

Andrew adds and Neil laughs, still agreeing.

"Fine."

"Yes?"

"Yes. A date."

The smile on Neil's face is as bright as ever. It hurts Andrew to even look at it, but he would never look away.

...

Another couple of things fall down to the floor and an irritated Andrew looks displeased at himself in the mirror.

"How normal is it to be nervous before going on a date with your own husband?"

He asks out loud, but remains unanswered.
Allison has lounged on his and Neil's bed with her feet up on the wall and is now looking up at Andrew. She shrugs her shoulders without commenting on his outbursts of rage and Andrew gets even angrier.

"Thanks for the advice."

Renee enters the room with hot mugs in her hands and looks at Andrew's choice with a skeptical eye.

"Don't you think it's too formal?"

Allison snorts in disagreement, accepting her drink with gratitude.

"This is a classic. What could be better than a three-piece suit and an expensive white shirt?"

Andrew opens his mouth to respond and perhaps express his opinion in a less censored manner. But Allison raises her hand in time to stop him.

"Do not answer this. This is a rhetorical question. But if there was a correct answer, it would be “nothing.” Nothing gets better than this."

She speaks firmly with absolute confidence in her own words.
Andrew turns his demanding gaze to Renee, but she shrugs, unimpressed by her friend’s speech.

"I prefer people come to me on dates in dresses and skirts. I don't know how I can help you here at all."

Andrew rolls his eyes at this statement.

"Don't worry, you're both completely useless. And why did I even call you?!"

"Because you can’t be alone and you worry too much, experiencing post-traumatic stress and delayed fear of losing your loved one. Add to this the baseless, I note this, feeling of guilt for what happened and viola! Panic, stress and anxiety are at your service.

Renee falls silent, catching surprised glances and rolls her eyes.

"What? I started reading a new book on psychiatry."

"OK. I'll put this aside for a moment. But we will return to this conversation later."

Allison warns and takes a sip from her mug and turns her attention back to Andrew.

"Andrew, at least tell us where you are going so we can help."

"I do not know yet."

"What? Haven't you figured it out yet?"

Renee is surprised as she plops down next to Alison on the bed. She tucks her legs under her, warming her eternally cold fingers on a hot mug and looks at her friend skeptically.

"I'm thinking of doing everything spontaneously."

He shrugs casually, unbuttoning and throwing his jacket back into the already formed pile of discarded things.

"You don’t like spontaneity."

Allison notices carefully, frowning worriedly.

"Yes, I don’t like it."

Andrew agrees, sighing heavily and running his hands through hair. He tugs at his blonde strands, forcing him to focus on the physical discomfort rather than the growing heaviness in his chest.

“But lately all I’ve been doing is planning. And where did this lead me? To the lonely house from where my own husband ran away in tears?"

The girls fell silent, not knowing what to say. What words can help here?

Allison sits up, becoming more serious.

"Maybe you're right. Why not try something new?"

Renee nods, putting the mug aside and stands up.

"Dress as you feel comfortable. This is Neil."

Renee hands him a plain black shirt and Andrew's favorite jeans.

"Yes, but this is no longer my Neil."

Andrew whispers. He hopes that acknowledging this thought out loud will make him feel better, but it doesn’t. The hole in his chest does not shrink, but rather grows from this thought.

Renee gently hands the clothes into his hands.

"Maybe. But your Neil is still somewhere deep inside his head. There's still hope, right?"

"And even if he doesn’t remember. Neil is still the same person you fell in love with. Maybe a little different, but still the same, right?"

His friend Allison supports him and nods towards the bathroom.

"Now go and change your clothes so we can appreciate your look!"

Andrew comes out in his usual style and looks at himself in the mirror. Renee straightens his turned up collar and smoothes his shirt with soft movements.

"Like this."

She freezes looking at Andrew standing next to her in the mirror.

"Don’t force yourself and don’t change for the sake of others. No one should take yourself away from you. Even you."

Andrew turns away from his own reflection.

"God, what if I screw up?"

"If?"

Allison chuckles.

"You're definitely going to screw up, so accept that fact and deal with it. The most important thing is to be yourself and Neil will see the real you. If he loved you once, he can do it again."

"And one more thing..."

Renee, with a straight face, takes out a thick pack of condoms from her back jeans pocket and, right in front of her friends, tears off a few pieces and hands them to Andrew.

Allison laughs out loud, throwing her head back, but Andrew, to her even greater delight, with the same imperturbable face, accepts them and puts them in his pocket.

"Safety comes first."

...

Neil looks like Neil.

Without Andrew's watchful supervision, he apparently pulled on the first thing that came to his hand or fell under his feet from a crowded closet. Although Andrew is ready to admit that the clothes he bought him made this terrible image a little better.

"Blue and red? Seriously?"

Andrew raises an eyebrow as Neil sits down next to him in the passenger seat. Neil looks down at himself and awkwardly adjusts his bright blue T-shirt.

"Yeah. I don't...um...you already know that I'm not the best in terms of style."

Andrew shakes his head as he starts the car.

"This color suits your eyes well."

It's true. Neil's outfit may not look fashionable or at least not eye-catching, but... To tell the truth, Andrew is secretly even touched by his inability to choose his own clothes. Even though he often ridicules his taste and choice of colors that torment his eyes, he still loves to watch how Neil rejoices like a child when he finds another fashion disaster.

A simple compliment makes Neil's eyes light up even brighter, making the blue hue of his eyes shine.

"Thank you! You look great too, as always."

They drive in peaceful silence for a few minutes, simply enjoying each other's company. Until Neil decides to break the fragile calm.

"Soooo...where are we going anyway?"

"To the center. Any objections?"

"No. But I have to be home at 7 am."

Andrew raises his eyebrows mockingly and grins.

"Oh my God!"

"What?"

Neil doesn't understand his sudden change in mood.

"First date and are you ready to stay for night?"

"What?!"

Neil immediately flushes at the hint in Andrew's sarcastic question and begins to fidget nervously in his seat. Andrew laughs huskily at his reaction.

"No, I'm just a little shocked. You know, I'm in the mood for a serious relationship, and you seemed like a decent guy to me."

He shakes his head with a mock sigh.

"No! That's not what I wanted to say!"

"Relax, Neil, I'm just kidding. I'll bring you back when you say so. And if you want to stay, this is still your home."

Andrew calms him down, fearing that Neil might do something stupid out of embarrassment.

"OK."

"OK."

They fall silent again and the car plunges into pleasant silence. It was already dark outside the window and the night had come into its own, illuminating the empty road only with the huge moon, stars and rare street lamps they encountered along the way.

Andrew tightens his grip on the steering wheel and slows down, ignoring Neil's suspicious look. The evening, the dark road and the artificial light of the lanterns reminded him too much of that very evening when everything changed abruptly and irrevocably. Andrew tries to subtly check to see if Neil has fastened his seat belt and exhales a sigh of relief.

"Hey, are you okay?"

Neil asks in a whisper, trying not to put too much pressure on him. Andrew takes another deep breath. Today is not the evening to spoil it with your worries. Mentally promising himself that he will definitely call Bee and discuss all his fears with her, Andrew throws the dark thoughts out of his head.

"Yes. Now I am."

"Fine, if you say so. But you know you can talk to me. I don't...I really want to help."

"I know."

A car rushes past them, honking loudly and filling the night city with loud music playing on the speakers. In Neil's humble opinion, not the best.

Suddenly Andrew pulls into an empty parking lot and Neil finds himself feeling a sudden sense of panic as they stop. This is ridiculous. Intellectually, Neil understands that Andrew is not an ordinary stranger on the street, but still. There is not a single living soul in the parking lot except them. Neil tries to hide his growing discomfort and smiles nervously, starting to jerk his leg.

"Should we go out here?"

"Not necessary."

Andrew answers mysteriously, examining him with an attentive gaze. Neil chuckles nervously, looking around again.

"Now apparently I have to understand that you are not my husband, but a crazy person? Who apparently wants to kill me in this creepy, deserted parking lot?"

Andrew snorts, amused, but not particularly surprised by his assumption. Neil has always had a rich imagination and Andrew knows that the only way to stop his panicking mind is to come up with a fairly logical argument.

"What a waste of gas and time. If I wanted to get rid of you, I would have done it much earlier and easier."

"Just so you know, Kevin knows where and who I went with. They will be looking for you."

Neil jokes, relaxing a little.

"Hmm then I’ll leave the country, we wanted to go on vacation."

"And you will leave your family here?"

Neil asks with disbelief in his voice. Andrew shrugs.

"For the sake of freedom? Don't even know. Two annoying brothers or white sand and palm trees?"

"Wait, would you really leave them?"

Andrew grins, shaking his head.

"No."

Neil smiles at him, completely relaxed.

"Then it’s good that you’re not going to kill me and you won’t have to flee the country... So where are we anyway?"

"This is the parking lot where we first met."

Andrew answers, unbuckling his seat belt.

"Oh, really?"

Neil looks around more carefully, as if trying to catch his eye on something and bring his memory back. But apart from street lamps, gray asphalt and a couple of buildings around, there is nothing in the parking lot. Neil tries to imagine his past self: here he is walking, drinking coffee and of course not looking around, here he expectedly bumps into a guy in black and... and nothing. He tries again and again to imagine the circumstances that brought together such different people as he and Andrew. When nothing good comes of his ideas, he looks skeptically at Andrew.

"Are you serious? Here?! I can't imagine a scenario in which we could fall in love here."

Neil admits and Andrew grins.

"We didn’t fall in love, but met. You were wearing a terrible orange sweatshirt..."

Neil bites his lip as he listens to this story and looks back at the parking lot, imagining their meeting. Standing in line, wearing a colorful hoodie, he catches the eye of a stunning guy...Andrew didn't mention it, but Neil was sure he looked amazing and was probably all in black with impeccable hair and a serious look in his eyes.

"And I didn’t run away from you?"

Neil doesn't believe it. If an unfamiliar guy came up to him on the street now and tried to ask him something, Neil would run away faster than he could finish his sentence.

"I had your keys hostage."

Andrew confesses and Neil bursts out laughing.

"How mean of you!"

"I do not regret anything."

Neil smiles softly at him, looking at his profile illuminated by the parking lights.

"So this is like a tour of our shared past?"

"Well, something like that. Let's go to?"

Andrew extends his hand and Neil takes it.

"What did we do then? After you finally found out my name?"

"You called me to the restaurant."

"Yah?"

Neil grins skeptically.

"I do not believe."

Andrew shrugs mysteriously.

"It is what it is. We kind of agreed that we would buy each other coffee."

Andrew beckons Neil with him, leading him in a direction that is well known to them, or rather now only to him.

"Italian restaurant ?"

Neil asks, reading the sign out loud.

"But it's already closed."

"Roland, my bartender, used to work here. But I lured him to me. Therefore, they kind of hinted to us not to come here anymore."

Neil laughs listening to this explanation and looks around.

"Then where will we go?"

"Here. We started going to this coffee shop almost every week. Tell me one thing, are you hungry?"

"No. You know Kevin, and now I’m completely under his supervision and he’s taken my diet under his totalitarian control."

Neil rolls his eyes in annoyance. His elder brother actually went a little crazy about his health, but Neil allows him this weakness for fear of a nervous breakdown.

"Then we’ll take something with us and I’ll take you to another place."

...

To Neil's shock, Andrew takes him not to some pretentious place or even to a park for a romantic night walk, but to a lake.

"I'll take a chance and guess..."

Neil starts.

"Why do we come here at night and look at the lake while drinking coffee?"

"Not really."

Andrew answers and begins to unbutton his shirt. Neil's smile slowly fades from his pale face.

"I...uh...I don't...don't think I... yet..."

Andrew doesn't start laughing at him like Neil expects him to. He freezes with one button undone and looks at him seriously.

"Remember Neil: I won’t take what you won’t give me. Never."

"I didn’t even think..."

Andrew gives him a minute to come to his senses and nods towards the lake.

"We decided to swim here every month. We haven't swam in April yet."

"Are we swimming? Here?"

"And we started in July."

"Why did we suddenly decide to do this?"

"A waiter in one restaurant told us how he bathes. And he is over 70. So you decided on this adventure. I quote: “Why not? Andrew, we definitely need to try! Come on! I dare you to try it?!”

Andrew repeats, parodying Neil's pleading voice.

"And you agreed?"

Andrew finishes the shirt and throws it in the back seat of the car.

"Well, we're here."

Neil grins, trying not to stare at his husband's bare torso.

"Clear."

"And by the way, we swim without any wetsuits."

Andrew adds and unzips his jeans.

"Are you kidding? It's too cold!"

"We'll make an exception for you today."

Neil looks at the half-naked Andrew from under half-closed eyelashes. Red with embarrassment, he frowns doubtfully, and then nods as if having decided.

"Turn away."

Andrew grins, raising an eyebrow.

"I'll give you a dollar if you show me something I haven't seen before."

"Turn away!"

Andrew rolls his eyes, but honestly turns away, giving Neil some privacy.

He wants to watch. He missed Neil so terribly. Andrew closes his eyes, listening to the rustle of clothing and remembering every familiar curve, bump and scar. He had already seen all this and not only saw it, but also touched, stroked and kissed it. But no matter how much he wants to, Andrew respects his husband’s personal boundaries and honestly doesn’t look.

"Ready."

Andrew turns to see Neil already getting out of the car, wearing only his boxers, which don't leave much to the imagination. He grins looking at his swimming suit and is interested.

"What even without a suit?"

"We decided without."

Neil proudly raises his chin and hisses as soon as he touches the icy water. Andrew hurries after him, kicking off his jeans.

They swear and jump into the water together, immediately emerging to the surface with loud laughter.

"AWFUL!!"

Neil screams, his teeth chattering, and Andrew immediately pushes him on the shoulder.

"Move otherwise you'll freeze."

"F...f...fi...fi...fine.."

Neil wheezes and grins at the idea that suddenly came into his head. Swimming closer to Andrew, he suddenly hits the surface of the water with his palm, causing splashes to immediately rise around them.

"What the fuck ?!"

Neil laughs out loud, swimming away and again sending a spray of water at Andrew. Andrew rolls his eyes and swims after him, baring his teeth threateningly.

"Well, you'll get it now."

Having become enraged and having drowned each other in the water a couple of times, they swim around a little more. Satisfied and happy, they look into each other's eyes.
Andrew extends his hand forward, gently brushing the wet strands away from someone else’s face so that they don’t get into his eyes and get in the way.

"It's time to go out."

"A little more?"

Andrew smiles softly at his pleading expression and shakes his head.

"Your lips are already blue of cold. Come on, Neil."

"Oh bitch, how cold it is!"

They, shivering from the cold night air that seemed icy after swimming in the lake, run to the car. Andrew hurriedly takes out the large fluffy towel he had previously taken and wraps it around Neil. He falls into the passenger seat, shaking and chattering his teeth.

"Heater. Turn on the heater quickly!"

"A little more, a little more. Yeah, Neil?"

Andrew teases him by turning the heating up to full.

"Cold?"

"It’s cold now, but it was warm then!"

Neil laughs, feeling lake water dripping from his hair onto his face and onto the floor of the car.
Andrew reaches forward and gently wipes them with the edge of the towel.

"Have you turned on the heater yet? How cold it is! And had to get to this lake in the middle of the night!"

Neil exclaims, chattering his teeth, and Andrew freezes. The feeling of déjà vu painfully squeezes his heart and Andrew blinks at him as if in slow motion. But Neil sits next to him practically naked in a wet fluffy towel. He is not dressed in his homemade pajamas and a light jacket on top, and outside the window is not a late-night supermarket parking lot. Andrew reminds himself that tonight is not the night.

"What.."

He managed to squeeze it out of himself. Neil extends his trembling fingers forward and repeats, complaining.

"Very cold. I can't even feel my fingers."

Andrew extends his hands forward, shaking not at all from the cold.

"Can I touch you?"

"Yes."

Neil exhales and Andrew carefully takes his hands in his, breathing on them and reverently kissing his fingertips. He looks Neil straight in the eye and notices the moment when his trembling gives way to something else so familiar.

...

Their house is dark. Without turning on the light, they are still half-naked, wearing only wet boxers and towels, and stumble into the bedroom.

Neil's wrist is clasped by someone's warm fingers and he carefully turns around, fixing Andrew's hand dangerously close to him. And when he raises his head, meeting the gaze of warm brown eyes, something explodes in his chest, sending vibrations throughout his body that instantly weaken his knees.

"I don’t know what it was like with that Neil on the first date, but with me it won’t go beyond kissing."

"Okay. Then I'll kiss you."

And before Neil has time to think about his words and regain control of his body, someone else’s strong arms wrap around him. Neil freezes, feeling a wave of calm wash over him, and the floor disappears from under his weakened legs. Neil's body responds to the familiar touch and he reflexively presses himself against Andrew's bare chest, feeling his heart beat.

Andrew gently grabs Neil's chin, slowly lifting his head and forcing him to look at him. Arctic blue and light brown collide together and Neil tilts his head back, trying to take in Andrew's face: his soft curve of lips, gentle gaze and slightly red cheeks.

"So will you just look at me or will you kiss me?"

Neil whispers with dry lips. Without answering, Andrew slowly leans forward and tremblingly barely touches Neil’s lips with his own. He kisses him tenderly at first, letting him get used to himself while removing the wet towel.

"Only a kiss."

Andrew nods and throws his towel onto the floor as well.

"So that you don't get sick."

"Thanks for the..."

The tenderness passes and Andrew cups Neil's face in his hands, kissing him again with rapidly growing passion. Andrew tries to convey all his pain, happiness and hope through a kiss. He puts all his love for him, his husband, his dearest person into this kiss.

Neil gasps, but still responds to the kiss with the same intensity, he has no less feelings than Andrew. Through half-lidded eyes, he sees Andrew's face as if in a fog, his beautiful eyes darkened, and his hands tremble as he lets go of him with obvious difficulty and takes a step back. Neil again feels the cold of loneliness, having lost the warmth of his body and whispers in fear.

"What..."

"We need to stop."

Andrew squeezes out, looking regretfully at Neil, who is breathing heavily from an excess of emotions. His blue eyes are wide open and his red lips are slightly parted, as if still waiting for his kisses.

"Why?"

Andrew grins, trying to regain control of his body to no avail.

"My boyfriend said only kisses on the first date."

Neil swallows hard, making a decision and steps closer, extending his hand to Andrew.

"What an idiot..."

"That's for sure."

They fall silent looking into each other's eyes. Neil finally whispers.

"What if I changed my mind?"

Andrew catches his hand, pressing it against his rapidly beating heart and then against the obvious bulge in his boxers.

"Then I'll say yes. But Neil..."

Andrew whispers in his ear.

"Don't do this for me."

Neil snorts and playfully bites his neck, turning into light kisses.

"I don’t."

"Fine. Tell me if you change your mind and I'll stop right there."

Andrew demands as he lays Neil down on their large bed and leans on top of him.

That one looks like a complete mess. His hair, still damp from the swim, has curled and now stands out like a fiery wave against the black bedding set, just like his light, almost white body. Andrew notices how Neil shrinks slightly under his attentive gaze and embarrassedly covers the terrible scar on his chest in the shape of an iron with his palm.

"No need."

Andrew whispers to him, moving his hand to the side and lightly kissing the scar with a familiar movement. Neil gasps under him again, throwing his head back and looking into his eyes.

"What are you...?"

"I told you then, you are beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful."

Andrew runs his fingertips tenderly through his hair.

"And this fiery hair."

Then he strokes his freckled nose with his finger.

"And these freckles."

Andrew leans over him again and kisses the corner of his eye.

"And those beautiful blue eyes."

Neil groans in embarrassment, turning his head away and Andrew moves lower, running his hot lips over another of his scars on his collarbone.

"And this. Everything about you is beautiful, bu..."

Andrew stumbles over the familiar nickname, but Neil gently runs his hands over his chest and whispers.

"Call me that. I want to hear you call me that."

"You're beautiful, bunny."

Andrew tenderly runs his fingertips along his cheek and touches his temple, where a thin scar is hidden. This one Andrew hasn't kissed yet. He's been dreaming about this ever since he picked Neil up from the hospital. And now, having received permission, he does not stop himself, pressing his lips first to his temple, and then to his right eyebrow.

"Is that still yes?"

Neil groans and rolls his eyes, but Andrew is waiting for an answer. Neil whines, lifting his hips up and wrapping his legs around Andrew's waist.

"You should say it out loud, bunny."

Neil clutches his back with shaking fingers, lightly scratching the delicate skin and whispers.

"Yes, Drew."

Neil groans, closing his eyes and not seeing how Andrew's facial expression changes from his pet nickname, which he never told Neil and which he simply cannot know.

"My answer to everything is yes! Always yes!"

Andrew finds the strength to whisper back firmly, repeating as he has done so many times before.

"Don't "always" me here."

...

"Thank you for tonight."

Andrew says as he stops the car near Neil's parents' house.

"I... had a good time with you, Andrew. You were amazing. Thank you."

Neil is already unbuckling his seatbelt and ready to get out when Andrew's sudden confession stops him.

"I miss it. I miss our life. I miss you."

Neil freezes, squeezing his fingers on the door handle and not knowing what to say.

"It's time for me to go home."

Andrew nods in acceptance of this answer and leans forward to place a small goodbye kiss on Neil's cheek.

"See you."

"Yes, see you."

Neil promises and jumps out of the car. Adjusting his crazy red and blue outfit, he hurries to the door of his parents' house. Andrew doesn't move, watching as his husband walks into the house and slams the door without looking back.

"200%"

Andrew whispers quietly into the void before driving to his empty house in the hope that his husband will return soon.

...

Neil walks into the house with his back, feeling Andrew's gaze on him. Slamming the door, he leans back against it, exhaling and trying to collect his thoughts.

"How was it?"

A voice is heard from the dark living room, lit only by a reading lamp. The voice is barely above a whisper, but in the deafening silence of the house it sounds like a scream. Neil shudders with fear and takes a step back, bumping into a closed door and hitting his back painfully.

"Damn!"

He screams in surprise and sudden fear, pressing his palm against the frantically beating one.

"Bitch!"

Neil curses again, glaring angrily at his brother and walking into the living room, joining him on the couch.

"Don't yell, idiot. The parents are already asleep."

Kevin hisses, putting aside the book he was reading, turning all his attention to his younger brother.

"Ouch!"

Neil does not remain in debt and also hisses in response, kicking Kevin on the ankle in retaliation behind his back.

"Why the hell are you so scared?"

Kevin frowns, rubbing his bruised leg, and pokes Neil in the chest.

"It’s not my fault that your nervous system is complete crap."

They both fall silent for a few minutes. Neil watches his brother out of the corner of his eye, who clumsily pretends to go back to reading. Neil sees Kevin fidgeting in his seat. He mentally begins to count: “1...2...3...4...” Neil doesn’t even have time to get to 5 when Kevin can’t stand the wait and, throwing the book away again, blurts out, turning to him.

"So how did it go? Tell me everything!"

Neil doesn't answer, leaning back on the couch and smirking at his brother.

"Why are you not sleeping?"

Kevin folds his arms across his chest.

“Didn’t you the one who tells me that if you don’t come back by 7 am to call the police on Andrew on suspicion of murdering you?”

"AND ?"

"And I’m waiting for a detailed report!"

Kevin says, and then looks at his brother more closely in the warm light of the lamp. Noticing his characteristically red lips and backwards T-shirt, he snorts.

"Well, you can omit some details."

Neil is silent, looking away and looking at the ceiling. He doesn't even have the strength for sarcasm, but Kevin doesn't notice the lack of jokes and caustic remarks as he begins to list questions.

"How was the date? Where did you go? Why so long? Although you may not answer this question anyway..."

Kevin cuts himself off mid-sentence as he notices the sparkling tears forming in his little brother's eyes.

"Hey hey hey"

Kevin sits closer, pulling his brother to his chest. Neil clings to his home shirt and winces, trying to suppress his sobs.

"What happened, little brother?"

Kevin whispers into his hair.

"Did he offend you? I don't care who he is, just say a word and I..."

"No."

Neil says firmly, breathing raggedly and clinging to his brother’s hand.

"No. He didn't do anything."

"But you're crying..."

"I think I like him."

"Then everything is fine?"

Kevin asks hesitantly. But Neil begins to tremble more and he shakes his head. A ragged sob escapes his throat and a new stream of tears wets Kevin's T-shirt.

"No."

He sobs into his brother's shoulder.

"Oh Neil...Come here!"

Kevin pats his brother on the back, still not understanding what exactly happened, but ready to give him all his love and support.

"I don’t know... I don’t know who I am!"

Neil squeezes out through tears and wheezing, pulling away. He looks his brother in the eyes and, wiping the snot from his face, blurts out.

"I have a tattoo!"

"Neil..."

Kevin laughs, pulling him back into his arms.

"I have a tattoo... and I don’t remember my own husband..."

...

"Everything was just like before."

Andrew says turning around to see Nicky and Aaron helping him at the bar again. Although it would be more honest to say, just sitting next to each other and sipping a drink with ice, while Andrew himself is doing work.

"And even better. All I'm saying is...Neil hasn't disappeared anywhere. He's still there."

Nicky, surprisingly and as if in spite of himself, doesn’t look encouraged by this news and looks at Andrew seriously.

"And for you it all looked like a confirmation of your love, right?"

- Right.

Andrew answers, tense from the question and sensing a catch.

“But for him it was just a good first date.”

Here's the catch. Aaron takes a sip of his whiskey and nods in agreement with his cousin.

"Exactly! Wait the required three days, and then call him!"

"What? Three days? Before calling your own husband?"

Andrew snorts loudly at the absurdity of this idea and takes the glass from his twin.

"Apparently you've had enough already. Are you out of your mind at all? Can you even hear yourself?"

Aaron shrugs, seemingly oblivious to his loss.

"At least three days. A unique case, to wait longer is better."

"I'm not going to engage in this pick-up nonsense of yours."

Andrew seals, finishing his brother’s drink and pouring himself another one.

"And still it won’t work out. I'll see him this Saturday at Kevin's wedding."

Nicky notices how gloomy Andrew is and tries to correct the situation by cheering him up.

"Don’t worry, everything is already obvious. You are clearly made for each other."

Andrew chuckles, draining his glass again.

"Obvious to whom?"

Both his brothers are silent and Andrew pours himself another whiskey.

"That's what I thought."

Chapter Text

"Oh, Neil!"

Neil puts the book down and turns to his mother, who enters the living room and thoughtfully sorts through some papers.

"Yes?"

"Will you help me write some cards for the guests, honey?"

"Sure, mom. Although, to be honest, I didn't know Kevin had so many friends."

Neil quips, leaving a bookmark on the finished chapter and closing the book.

"Stop it."

Mom smiles at him and leaves the room.

"I'll be waiting for you in the kitchen!"

"I'm coming!"

"Wait a minute, son."

His father stops him and sits down next to him. Neil tilts his head to the side, interested.

"I have a proposition for you, Neil."

"Yes?"

Neil sits up straighter. He likes surprises from his parents. As far as he can remember, the last time he got one it was a car.

"Okay, remember Tom Porter?"

Neil thinks for a moment and shakes his head.

"Ummm... not really. Are you sure it was before the accident?"

"Yes, Neil. He was a professor at your university. We met recently and I mentioned you. He asked how you were..."

"It's okay, dad."

Neil hurries to reassure him when he notices that his father is getting awkward.

"Well, he's now a dean."

"That's great. But what exactly is the proposition?"

"He offered to reinstate you."

"What?"

Neil exhales in disbelief, looking at his father with wide eyes.

"You were so worried about your work as an artist. I thought you might want to go back to..."

"Yes! That's a great idea!"

Neil interrupts his father, smiling widely.

"Like I finally have a chance to fix everything."

...

Andrew sits down tiredly on the sofa in the living room. Resting his elbows on his knees, he lowers his heavy head and looks at his hands, clutching the envelope. He hasn't turned on the light, but the living room is already bright enough thanks to the moon visible in the window of his lonely house.

"Dear Andrew You are invited to our wedding! Kevin and Thea"

The wedding. It's coming so soon, and he have no progress in their difficult relationship with Neil since that date. Andrew thought everything went well, but apparently not. Something did happen and Neil distanced himself from him, avoiding him and coming up with various, ridiculous excuses each time.

Andrew again twists his wedding ring with a familiar movement and closes his eyes, not knowing what to do.

"What should I do?"

...

"You can do it."

Neil repeats for the hundredth time that day, suppressing his irritation and putting all his confidence into his voice. But Kevin, intentionally or not, ignores all his words of support. He nervously looks around every now and then, checking that everything is perfect and is following the minute-by-minute plan. Neil can say with confidence that everything is so. Wonderful flower arrangements, mostly in a soft blue hue, are hung everywhere. Columns are wrapped in nets of small flowers interspersed with tiny lanterns, and the guests are already sitting in their places near the high arch, waiting for the ceremony to begin. Neil hasn't seen the bride yet, but he's sure she looks amazing.

"There's nothing to worry about. The decorations are in place, the guests are in place, and the waiters have already cleared away the welcome buffet and are setting the tables. Everything is under control."

Kevin groans, covering his face with hands.

"Oh my God! I'm definitely going to say or do something wrong."

He takes his hands away from his face and looks at his slightly damp palm in horror.

"Crap. I'm all sweaty too!"

"No one can even tell!"

Neil tries to calm him down, laughing.

"I never thought I'd be so scared. Were you that nervous when you and Andrew...?"

Kevin turns to look at his brother, his eyes wide.

"Oh, shit. I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible brother and I'm going to be a terrible husband!"

Neil smiles slightly, reaching out and squeezing Kevin's shoulder comfortingly.

"Hey. I don't remember my wedding day, but I'm sure I was freaking out too. It's okay to be nervous."

Kevin nods and Neil opens his arms, hugging his older brother.

"Thank you for being here."

Kevin whispers into his head. Neil knows what he's talking about.

Thank you for joining our family.

Thank you for not dying.

Thank you for being my brother.

Before the accident and before he met Andrew after it, Kevin was the closest person to him. Even though they often tease and fight with each other, their bond remains incredibly strong and gets stronger with each passing year. So Neil knows what Kevin is talking about, hugging him. But today is his happy day, so Neil grins and says cheerfully.

"Where else would I be? Well, let me go, otherwise you really are sweaty."

"Neil!"

Kevin cries out indignantly, examining himself in the mirror, and Neil laughs.

"Just kidding! Now go and marry this amazing girl. And be happy!"

"I will."

Thea, in a gorgeous white dress and with a bright smile, slowly walks to the altar. Kevin, in his perfect anthracite black suit, stares at her with wide eyes. Neil, standing next to her, can even see how he is shaking.

"Dear friends and family!
On behalf of Kevin and Thea, I am pleased to welcome everyone here and thank you for coming to share this joyful day with our beautiful couple."

The priest begins as Thea finally stands next to Kevin, taking his trembling hands in hers.

"Marriage is a responsible and personal choice for each of us. Are you ready to share your vows with each other?"

Thea nods, taking the microphone in her hands, and smiles at the groom who is looking at her.

"Today, standing here in the wedding dress of my dreams, I am marrying the love of my life..."

Thea sobs, wiping away a tear.

"This is happiness. Meeting you, Kevin, made me the happiest person in the world. And I want to swear that I will always love you and do everything possible so that we live a long and happy life together."

Kevin stands with tears in his eyes, saying his vows in a trembling voice.

"Not every person is destined to find their soulmate in life. It is very difficult. But fortunately, I am incredibly lucky. Thea, you are the most beautiful and incredible girl. The day you said you will marry me was the happiest day for me. And I swear to be by your side on the saddest and happiest days. I promise, I will make you incredibly happy."

"Do you, Kevin, take this girl as your wife and undertake to live in harmony, love and fidelity?"

"I do!"

Kevin exhales, smiling widely.

"Your answer, Thea?"

"I do!"

She shouts, laughing, to the applause of the guests.

"Having exchanged consent, you declared your serious intention to be together for many years that fate will give you.
Exchange rings as a token of your love, let them remind you that your feelings are endless."

Neil can't help but remember his and Andrew's own wedding vows, recorded on a disc, as he watches them. He looks around for Andrew.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife! Congratulate each other!"

As if he sensed his gaze, Andrew turns and looks straight at Neil. His heart aches and Neil, forcing a smile out of himself, turns back to his brother, hiding his tears.

"Congratulations!"

He shouts, running into Kevin with a hug.

"Are you crying?"

Kevin is surprised, looking at him closer and his happy smile trembles slightly with worry.

"I'm just so happy for you."

Neil smiles and wipes the tears from his cheeks.

"I'm so happy."

...

Andrew steps aside, to where the blaring music is quieter. He exhales with relief and nervously pulls a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket. The first drag, as ironic as it may be, feels like a long-awaited breath of fresh air.

Blowing out a cloud of smoke into the darkness, Andrew glances at the dance floor in the distance, illuminated by lanterns and small garlands that seem to be hanging everywhere. He can't see Neil from here, and there's always the possibility that the loud music and crowd of people have scared him off. Knowing Neil, he's probably hiding somewhere in the quiet of the house.

He hears heavy footsteps nearby and Andrew tenses up as usual, turning around. He sees David walking toward him with a bottle in his hands and relaxes.

"You could have a drink, man."

"I've had one already."

Andrew objects without much enthusiasm and points to his almost empty glass. David shakes his head.

"You've never had anything like this. This is the best Scotch whiskey in my collection. It was given to me by someone very dear to me. This Scotch was aged in real oak barrels, the strength is 40 degrees. And the taste differs from any other brands by a slight smoky aftertaste and aroma, which is due to the drying technology using burning peat."

Andrew already knows this, because he gave David this bottle for his last birthday.

"Well, if you say so."

Andrew grins, pouring the remains of the last drink into the bushes and handing his now empty glass to David. He nods with satisfaction and pours the Scotch for both of them.

"You know, Andrew, I'm glad we're alone here."

He says, handing Andrew his glass.

"I wanted to talk to you. But before that, let's have a drink."

"To Kevin and Thea, may their life together be long and carefree."

Andrew says with a heavy heart.

"To Kevin and Thea, may they be happy."

They clink glasses. Andrew takes a sip and exhales, waiting for the conversation. Andrew knows when people say they want to talk, it never ends well. David sighs, looking up at the sky and showing with all his appearance that he is not happy about this conversation.

"You see, I really hoped that everything would work out. But time goes by and neither you nor Neil feel anything but suffering."

"What are you getting at?"

Andrew says suspiciously, squeezing his hand with the drink harder than necessary. David looks into his eyes and rubs his face tiredly.

"Andrew, I was afraid Neil couldn’t make it to be at the wedding today. After your date, he spent two days in tears, not wanting to tell us what happened."

"I..."

Andrew straightens up, going into a defensive posture, and David immediately shakes his head.

"I know it's not your fault. This is a complicated situation, and neither of you are to blame."

He says it calmly, but Andrew doesn't feel calm from these words. Andrew knows that everything before the word "but" doesn't count.

"But it's not just my son who suffers. Abby and I have noticed how bad you feel every time Neil doesn't remember. The way you look at him at those moments breaks my heart."

"And what do you suggest me to do?"

Andrew says defiantly, pursing his lips.

"Maybe you should try living apart for a while? Take a break?"

It's enough for Andrew to feel a familiar wave of anger rising in his chest.

"Did Kevin put you up to this?"

Andrew hisses through his teeth and, without waiting for an answer, downs the entire glass, finishing the scotch.

"Mr. Wymack, in any case, this is not the time or place to discuss this."

David nods sheepishly and looks away, smiling sadly.

"I think you're right. I'm sorry."

Andrew shrugs as he heads into the house, studiously ignoring the way his heart is pounding at David's words. Andrew has been thinking about this ever since Neil cried and packed his things and left for his parents' house. What if he's not the best option for him anymore?

"Oh! Are you still here?"

A cheerful voice sounds nearby and Andrew clenches his teeth so hard that they grind.

"Yes, Jean. I'm still here, as you can see."

Andrew answers with irritation, looking at the young man in front of him. The man looks behind him as if searching for someone and sighs in mock surprise.

"Isn't Neil with you? It must be awkward to feel like you're the odd one out?"

"I'm not the odd one out here."

Andrew says firmly, but still doesn't feel as confident in his own words. Jean doesn't believe him either and grins.

"Are you? Sorry, you just look sad, so I..."

"You like it, right?"

Andrew interrupts, unable to resist walking past. Who the hell does this guy think he is, to think he has the right to talk to him like that?

"Sorry?"

Jean looks surprised, lisping his "r" and raising his eyebrows mockingly.

"Like what? That my friend has amnesia?"

"Neil rejected you and built his life with someone else. And now it's all falling apart for your joy, huh?"

Jean whistles and sneers.

"Wow! If that's all you care about, then I hasten to inform you that I'm not happy about Neil's injury. And if you don't give a fuck about him, and from what I can see, you do. How about you stop pretending to be a husband and think about Neil? Why not to do what's best for him?"

That hurts. The way Jean just wrapped all of Andrew's confusion, anger, grief and fear into a few sentences. And Andrew does what he does best - attacks.

"So you know what's best for Neil?"

"Actually, I do."

Jean nods and Andrew winces, spitting everything he thinks of him into his smug French face.

"What a hypocrite you are."

Jean frowns, clenching his fists and losing all his feigned cheerfulness at once.

"What did you just say?"

Andrew takes a step forward and practically pokes Jean in the chest with his index finger.

"If you're such a fucking great friend as you say. Then where have you been all these years? Why didn't you try to mend fences with him before? You're just a coward."

"Really?"

Jean grins.

"Except I'm here now to support Neil in his difficult times. Unlike you. What have you been doing all this time?"

"What are you..."

"Right!"

Jean snaps his fingers, as if he suddenly remembered something important.

"You tried to change Neil for yourself. Didn't you realize that he's not the same anymore? Do you really enjoy seeing him suffer and cry from unsuccessful attempts to become the one you need?"

Andrew is speechless, freezing and scrolling through his head evil, but nevertheless still true words. Did he do all this? No. Andrew was just trying to help Neil. Help him...what? Become the same as before? But what if Kevin and David and even Jean are right? What if his attempts to help cause Neil more pain than his injury?

"Yes, I stumbled once, but now I have a chance to fix everything. And I will gladly take advantage of this chance. The question is, will you have such a chance too?"

In fact, despite his apparent composure, Andrew has never been able to cope with his emotions. And now they are becoming too much, dangerously, too much.

Andrew cannot stand the other person's slyly narrowed eyes and smirk. He swings and with all his might, mercilessly hits Jean in the jaw. There is a crunch and Jean falls to the floor, struck by the force of the blow and its unexpectedness. The guests around him freeze and look around, whispering, at him, breathing heavily and clenching his fists.

"Anything else to say, bastard?"

Andrew hisses, watching Jean rise from the floor, pressing his hand to the face.

"Andrew!"

Someone rushes to Jean, checking his face for damage and leading him out of the room by the elbow. Away from Andrew, who is still clenching his fists.

"Everything okay, Jean? Let's get out of here."

Andrew does not turn around to check what he did. He stares into Neil's disappointed eyes across from him.

"Neil..."

He exhales, but Neil shakes his head and, upset by the cruel scene and now the attention, leaves. Andrew, as always, follows him like a faithful shadow, just as the Moon eternally follows the Earth.

People say: nothing lasts forever under the Moon. But the Moon itself, in fact, is not eternal. Scientists already know that the satellite is moving away from the Earth by about 4 cm every year. Because of this, the days on the green planet are getting longer, but people busy with their own affairs do not notice this. The most pronounced effects of the Moon's distance will not be seen until millions, or even hundreds of millions of years from now.

Andrew can already feel the changes in their relationship.

"Neil, wait! Stop!"

Neil does not stop or turn around until the moment when they are finally completely alone. They have gone so far that they are standing practically in the dark, illuminated only by the stars and the bright Moon.

"What the hell were you thinking?!"

Neil yells, pointing at the house behind Andrew.

"That's a very good question. Because, you know what? I'm going crazy here!"

Andrew yells back, raising his voice.

"I'm going crazy without you and I look like a complete idiot. I'm trying my best to save our marriage!"

Andrew yells and Neil pinches the bridge of his nose, exhaling tiredly.

"Tell me what happened between us, Neil? Everything was fine, wasn't it?"

His voice trembles and his yell turns into a whisper.

"Our date went fine. I don't understand what went wrong."

Neil removes his hand and looks straight at Andrew.

"Fine?"

Neil shakes his head, sighing sadly.

"It was wonderful, Andrew. You were wonderful. That's what's wrong. All of this."

Neil points at himself and Andrew.

"Our marriage, our life, and you. This is all great, but I don't feel like I fit in, you know? I'm the odd one out in this perfect equation."

Andrew freezes and shakes his head. His face contorts and for the first time since they've known each other, Neil can see the tears on his cheeks.

"I'm an idiot."

He says self-deprecatingly, making no attempt to wipe the moisture from his face.

"What are you talking about?"

"I think it's time to admit that your memory is not coming back."

"What?"

Neil exhales. Andrew's words cut into his chest and it feels like his heart is breaking. They sound like a gunshot in the stillness of the night and Neil feels betrayed.

"It's not...it's not fair."

Neil whispers, looking at Andrew and feeling his own tears streaming down his face.

"It's not fair? I'm a stranger to you."

Andrew admits bitterly, and Neil closes his eyes from the hidden pain in his voice.

"And I can't try anymore, seeing how much pain my attempts cause you. I'm selfish, Neil. I don't want to let you go, but apparently this is the best I can do."

"I don't want to hurt you."

Neil shakes his head, opening his eyes again and sobbing.

"But it doesn't work. Since that first day in the hospital, all I do is hurt you. And..."

He chokes.

"And I don't have the strength to disappoint you anymore."

"I know."

Andrew whispers. He wants to go to him, take Neil's face in his hands and wipe away the bitter tears. But he doesn't allow himself to do that, knowing that this will only make things worse.

"You have no idea how hard it is to look at you and understand that I have to leave."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Neil is babbling through tears.

"I'll apologize to Kevin and Thea for the fight."

Andrew say and Neil laughs.

"Oh, my God, it's okay.... wedding accidents make great stories later."

Andrew turns around and Neil hesitates, but calls out to him.

"Andrew! Will I ever love someone the way you love me?"

Andrew grins through the pain and looks at Neil. Different, but still as beautiful as the first time they met. Andrew was telling the truth: he is selfish.

He doesn't want to go. He doesn't want to leave Neil, giving him a chance at happiness without him. He doesn't want to go back to an empty and cold house filled with memories of a man who will never return there.

He doesn't want a life without his stupid, annoying and so loved husband.

Andrew doesn't know how to live without Neil anymore.

Without worrying about him when he goes on the stupid morning runs, forgetting his phone at home.

Without things scattered everywhere, which Neil, of course, really needs.

Without a carefully prepared cup of coffee in his special mug with pointy cat ears.

Without a cigarette, fairly divided between the two.

Without sarcastic jokes and jabs.

Without his warm hands and familiar smile.

Andrew closes his eyes for a second. Neil is more important than his wishes, always was and always will be.

"You did it once. You can do it again. Just not with me."

"Do you still hate me?"

Neil whispers, remembering their conversation in the kitchen.

"More than anything in the world."

Andrew exhales and forces himself to turn away, leaving Neil standing alone.

"I hate myself too."

Neil whispers after him.

Chapter Text

It's cold.

Why is it so cold here?

Andrew puts his hands in his pockets and exhales. He hasn't felt this cold feeling for a long time. This numbness inside. He managed to forget what it was like.

People think that grief and pain are the worst things that can happen to a person. But what about the emptiness in the soul?

Andrew feels nothing. Nothing at all. Maybe it was his salvation, but what could be worse than this endless silence inside? It seems to him that if he takes a little deeper breath, he will immediately burst. Crack at the seams and fall apart right under the feet of passers-by hurrying somewhere.

His body is moving, but Andrew does not feel it. Andrew doesn't remember getting to the bar. The lights are flickering, but he can't see anything but black and bright blue eyes.

The smell of alcohol and hot bodies is in the air, but all he can feel is the fresh evening breeze blowing through his red hair.

Andrew feels a warm hand touch his thigh, but it's not right...not right!

He fought for him, for them, for so long. So long. And then he thought. Just for a second: why?

Why?

And now he's gone. Just like Andrew. There's nothing and no one to fight for anymore.

Andrew is here, but he's gone. Part of him will forever be in the backyard with Neil, lit only by distant stars. The part that still wants to live.

The last conversation he had with Neil keeps playing in his head.

What did he do?

"Shit."

Nicky exhales at the sight of him.

"You're here, not there. What happened?"

Andrew pushes his way to the bar and looks up at his brother, snatching the still-full glass from his hands.

"It's over."

Andrew squeezes out and doesn't recognize his own voice.

"I give up."

"You never give up."

Aaron snorts incredulously, setting his empty glass aside.

"Right! Remember that time you..."

"Nicky."

Aaron shushes him and Nicky cuts himself off.

"Not the time, huh?"

Andrew doesn't even look at them and Nicky loses all his cheerfulness and squats down in front of his brother.

"Andrew, hey? What happened?"

"If we were meant to be... we'd be together."

Andrew exhales and Aaron frowns.

"But you don't believe that, do you? You and Neil are made for each other."

"I... I was remembering the first time we went to that new Greek restaurant on the corner. There was a big sign that said, "We Now Make Soup," and Neil started prattling on about all the obstacles the owner had to overcome to make his dream of making soup come true..."

Andrew grins bitterly and throws back his glass of whiskey. Nicky smiles sadly.

"Sounds like Neil."

"And then, when he fell silent. I didn't say anything for a few seconds and he suddenly looked at me as... as he saw me. The real me and he exhaled it. Like to himself. I. Love. You."

Andrew rubs his face, trying not to lose his rhythm and breathe.

"He said it and I said, "And I hate you," and he understood. I didn't need to explain. Neil always understood me. It was only 2 weeks after we met."

"Andrew..."

Aaron whispers, but Andrew doesn't listen to him.

"Only 2 weeks. Then he was able to fall in love with me in just 14 days. It's time to admit it. He doesn't love me."

Andrew exhales convulsively and shrugs his shoulder.

"I need to drink. A lot."

"Andrew, wait, let's talk about this, you know drinking doesn't..."

"I drink."

Andrew says firmly and looks at his brothers.

"Are you with me or not?"

Aaron suppresses his discontent and gives Roland a sign. He sends 2 glasses across the bar and Nicky professionally catches them, placing them in front of his brother.

"With you."

...

Andrew puts another pile of clothes in the box and returns to the common closet, sorting through things and trying not to remember when Neil wore this. He wants to rip them all off the hangers, throw them inside and seal them as is, but he can't. Andrew carefully folds the sleeves and pant legs, packing everything in neat, perfect piles.

Just recently he was terribly cold, and now he is unbearably hot. But Andrew does not take off the orange hoodie. The poor thing has long needed to be washed. But it still smells of Neil. Even after all this time, it still retains his scent and it is the only thing that helps Andrew breathe.

Andrew slowly finishes with the bedroom and moves to the workshop. He puts the sketches and tools in a box when his gaze slides to the side.

"You totally love me, don't you? Next time someone calls you heartless, I might have to pick a fight."

Andrew hears light laughter and a familiar voice. He runs his fingertips over the hard clay. Neil really saved this "abstraction".

Andrew throws the sculpture on the floor with all his strength, screaming.

"I hate it! I hate you!"

He gives in to tears and grabs the box and the stupid pile of clay, goes out into the yard and throws it in the trash, returns home. Andrew walks around the rooms like a restless spirit, not knowing what to do or what to grab onto. His heart beats quickly in his chest, like a tiny bird trying to get free, beating against a cage.

Not even a couple of minutes pass before Andrew returns, taking the sculpture back and throwing the trash off it, bringing it into the house, hiding it in the closet and throwing things on top. He can't throw it away.

...

Neil didn't come. Although this is not surprising, Andrew himself told him not to do this, fearing that if he were here, Andrew would not be able to sign the papers.

"Sign here, please."

The lawyer speaks quietly and hands him a sheet of paper. The polite word grates on his ears, but Andrew cannot tear his eyes away from the document. The pen in Andrew's hands trembles and he exhales, raising it over the marked place.

One signature and that's it.

One signature and he and Neil are strangers.

One signature and Neil will never return home again.

Neil

Neil

Neil

Neil

Neil

Neil

Neil

Neil

Andrew signs it with a flourish, feeling as if he's just signed his own death warrant. Stepping outside, he lights a cigarette, inhaling the smoke into his lungs and not feeling the same satisfaction. His phone rings in his pocket, and after checking the name, he blacklists the caller. Fuck you, Kevin. Fuck them all. Fuck that drunk driver. Fuck the doctor who couldn't save Neil's memory. Fuck Kevin and Neil's parents. Fuck Neil, who forgot him. And fuck he himself. Andrew hated himself for that night, blaming and gnawing himself for that stupid trip. He hadn't eaten ice cream since that night. He never could, knowing how dearly it cost him.

The cigarette burns down to the middle. Andrew slides down the wall, sitting right on the ground and laughing out loud.

"Fuck!"

He laughs and for the first time in the last 4 years finishes his cigarette, lighting another one.

Renee finds him sitting on the dirty ground and laughing hysterically surrounded by cigarette butts.

"Andrew! God, I found him, Nicky. I'll call you back!"

She sits down in front of him, looking around the mess and whispers.

"Hey? Andrew?"

Andrew laughs even louder looking at her worried expression and how she counts the cigarettes he smoked with increasing fear.

"How many did you smoke, Andrew?"

She whispers fearfully and without asking, slaps him on the cheeks when his eyes begin to roll back.

"Don't touch..."

Andrew wheezes barely audibly, pushing her hands away from him.

"Andrew! Oh shit. Shit. Think, Renee, think. There are about 20 cigarettes in one pack. 1...2...3.....7...8.....10...11...12 Oh my God, did you smoke all 12 cigarettes? Are you crazy?!"

She screams, shaking him by the collar of his shirt. And Andrew snorts, closing his eyes.

"Neil and I shared them in half."

"But you smoked them all!"

Renee screams and brings the phone to her ear.

"Well...Neil and I are gone."

She bites her lip, waiting for an answer, and almost cries when someone picks up the phone.

"Hello? I need an ambulance right now! 23rd Avenue, courthouse and wedding hall. Yes. Yes. My friend smoked 12 cigarettes in one go."

Andrew jerks and barely has time to roll over on his side before he vomits.

"Oh, shit! He just threw up. No, there's no blood. Okay, we'll wait for you."

Renee says, turning off the phone and helping Andrew sit up. He mumbles something barely audible, and Renee leans closer.

"What are you saying? Andrew?"

"I can't...I can't see anything..."

Andrew repeats again, laughing and stretching out his hand forward, looking at Renee with unseeing eyes.

"The ambulance is on its way, they'll be here in a minute. Do you hear me?"

"Don't go, Renee. Don't leave me."

Andrew switches from laughing to crying, and Renre herself, crying, squeezes his hand with all her might.

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here."

...

"You're such an idiot."

Nicky whispers, squeezing the edge of Andrew's blanket in his hands.

"I don't believe you did something stupid like that."

"N..i.ky"

Andrew wheezes and raises his hand to his face, trying to remove the object in the way. But Nicky's warm hands gently stop him, adjusting the oxygen mask.

"Don't touch."

"Where...Aar...n?"

Andrew whispers. Nicky carefully tucks the blanket in and adjusts the pillows before taking up his post at the bedside again.

"Aaron is talking to your doctor."

Andrew doesn't apologize. His brothers don't need it. Nicky squeezes his hand with the IV and whispers.

"Get some sleep. You need to rest."

Andrew is really tired. He obediently closes his heavy eyelids, giving his eyes a rest, and hears a quiet whisper.

"And Andrew?"

"Mmm?"

"You're quitting smoking."

After a course of oxygen therapy¹ and having prescribed him antixiliotics², Andrew is finally sent home.

Aaron mumbles the whole way, not giving Andrew a second of peace and Nicky doesn't even help him, looking only at the road and tightly squeezing the steering wheel.

"I get it, Aaron. I screwed up. Shut up already."

Andrew hisses and Nicky suddenly joins the conversation, no longer feeling sorry for him.

"No, fuck you. You don't get it and you'll listen to Aaron's lecture like a sweetheart. Go on, Aaron."

This was his punishment for scaring them all to death. Andrew knew it, Aaron knew it, and Nicky knew it.

Getting out of the car and heading towards the house, Andrew sees someone's fluffy tail. He throws his bag of things on the ground and squats down, quietly calling.

"Kitty-kitty-kitty hey, who are you, King or Sir?"

Andrew whispers and sees a black and white fluffy face that has lost a lot of weight since the accident.

"You're Sir Fat Cat, right?"

Andrew stretches out his arms and picks up the unresisting cat in his arms.

"And where's your friend?"

"Andrew? What are you doing there?"

Aaron asks from behind.

"Looking for King Fluffy."

Andrew answers and walks around the yard, calling.

"Kitty-kitty-kitty King!"

"But you don't like cats."

Andrew opens his mouth for a second to habitually object that he has an allergy, but he doesn't have the strength for it. He just shrugs.

"Neil tried to convince me to take them earlier. He said that if something happened to him, at least I wouldn't die alone."

Andrew says bitterly, Aaron nods and starts calling too.

"Kitty-kitty-kitty"

"What are you two doing?"

Nicky asks and Aaron nods at the cat in Andrew's arms.

"We're looking for the second one. Those are Neil's cats."

Aaron adds and Nicky nods understandingly, looking at Andrew with pity.

"Is he by any chance a tabby?"

Nicky asks, pointing to the cat sitting in the bushes as if nothing had happened. Andrew shifts Sir to one arm and picks up King in the other.

"Let's go home."

...

The days pass him by one after another and soon Andrew is completely lost, not even knowing what day of the week it is. Andrew is only holding on thanks to the cats. They keep him warm at night, purring at his side when Andrew pets them. They follow him wherever he goes. Andrew gets up in the morning only because of their loud and insistent meowing. And also because of the call at exactly 9:00.

Nicky and Aaron call him every day, at the same time. And on one of these calls Andrew can’t stand their overprotection and says: that’s it.

"Stop calling me."

Andrew says firmly, falling exhausted on the couch. Nicky whines on the other end.

"We’re worried, Andrew! Roland says you don’t even come to work."

Damn Roland, Andrew thinks to himself.

"I’m hanging up."

"If you don’t answer tomorrow, we’ll come to your place and kick your door down!"

"Bye, Nicky."

Andrew turns off the phone and looks at the wall, not understanding what to do next.

"Meow?"

A wet nose pokes his hand and Andrew exhales.

"You're right, Sir. I think it's time to move on."

...

Andrew is already approaching the house when his heart suddenly stops at the sight of a familiar figure. He won't confuse those red curls with anything. Neil is sitting on the porch of his house, resting his head on his crossed arms.

"Neil?"

Andrew asks worriedly, taking a step towards him and completely forgetting about Roland next to him or about the fact that almost a month has passed since their last meeting.

Neil jumps up from the porch and, glancing over Andrew's shoulder, freezes.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't know you..."

"Something happened?"

Andrew asks without taking his eyes off Neil's face, looking at him greedily.

"You two need to talk, so I think I'll go."

Roland says tactfully and waves goodbye to them as he leaves.

"Sorry."

Neil says and rubs his face.

"What happened?"

"I heard about you. Well, about the hospital."

Neil says awkwardly and Andrew shrugs.

"Not a big deal. Just went a little overboard. Did Nicky blabb it all over?"

"Aaron."

Neil admits and gives him a careful look.

"So you're okay?"

Andrew smirks slightly at this phrase and nods, ignoring the pain in his chest.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

...

¹ A universal and effective method of treating with oxygen. It is used in cases of proven hypoxia, fatigue and lack of oxygen.

² The word "tranquilizers" or "anxiolytics" refers to a list of drugs whose purpose is to reduce anxiety, fear and psycho-emotional stress.

Chapter Text

1 month later

Oh my God, Andrew was in the hospital.

With this thought, Neil rushes towards the painfully familiar house in a panic, inventing a million possible scenarios in his head. The lanterns are turned off and hang gloomily from the roof like a dim, grayish garland, and even the bells at the entrance ring too loudly by the wind, giving Neil a headache. And only when he gets to the door Neil really thinks about why he came here after all? How will his presence help Andrew? The answer is obvious, it won't.

But something doesn't let him back down so easily, as if some nagging thought that Neil can't catch is screaming inside that he can't leave things as they are.

Neil knocks hesitantly and waits for a few seconds for an answer, but no one comes. Neil knocks again, this time harder, and still nobody. Neil looks around, exhales, and, admitting defeat in the fight with himself, sits down on the porch. Tiny forget-me-nots in the flowerbed mockingly bloom, painting the road to the house with blue color. Even looking at them hurts Neil, and he looks down instead.

"Ha"

Neil runs his fingertips over the skeletons and skulls drawn on a black background and smiles.

"And this is for you! So that people know exactly what to expect when they come into your home! Forewarned is forearmed!"

Neil frowns, trying to figure out where he's heard that voice before, thinking it was Renee, Andrew's friend. For sure, she was the one who got them that funny rug. But how could he...Neil doesn't have time to think about it before he jumps up at the sight of Andrew.

Andrew says he's fine. But he doesn't look fine, whatever the hell that means. He looks tired and worn out, like he hasn't slept or eaten at all. Neil really wants to do something to help. But how can he fix something he has no control over? How can he turn back time?

"Neil?"

Neil closes his eyes, exhaling and pushing away the images of his ex-husband. Ex-husband, he repeats to himself. Stop living in a past he doesn't even have. They didn't get divorced for Neil to suffer through endless "what if"? Neil will try and do them both a favor. He will move on.

Neil opens his eyes and forces a smile looking at his friend. Jean looks at him worriedly and Neil feels ashamed of himself. He frantically remembers what they talked about before he disappeared into his thoughts. It seems that Jean told him, and of course...

"So, how is Jeremy?"

Neil asks, correcting himself and Jean breaks into a happy smile, which makes Neil a little jealous. Jean looks into the distance as if he is imagining his boyfriend in front of him and confesses.

"Soon we'll have the engagement."

"My congratulations!"

Neil hugs his friend tightly and tries to show that he is really happy for him. The demons of his mind hide for a little, allowing him to smile for real. Jean accepts the hug and, stepping back, looks at his friend guiltily.

"Neil, I wanted to apologize. For what happened at the wedding. You and Andrew..."

Neil interrupts Jean before he says it out loud. He does not want to hear it. But no matter how much it hurts him, Neil understands that Jean wasn't the one to blame for their breakup. How could a few unfortunate and possibly even rude comments do such harm?

"It's not your fault, Jean."

Neil shakes his head and squeezes Jean's shoulder with a sad smile.

"I think it had to happen sooner or later. Maybe that's what I needed to understand that I'm not the same anymore. I'm just me, who is trying to find the right way in this world."

Neil says and Jean nods in support.

"Yeah? That's great, Neil."

"I want to know what it's like to live without looking back at the past."

Neil admits in a whisper.

"I want to feel like myself again."

"I'll help you."

Jean squeezes his hand and pulls him further into a new life.

3 months later

Inhale

Exhale

Inhale

Exhale

Neil runs fast, almost at the limit of his capabilities. A pleasant pain in his muscles distracts him from unnecessary thoughts, and the early morning sun drives away the night cold, warming him with its hot rays. Neil takes a deep breath of still cool air and speeds up. Just a little more, Neil thinks to himself. There is a good Greek restaurant around the corner, they seem to serve breakfast to go and incredible coffee. Neil would kill for their coffee.

Inhale

Exhale

Neil turns the corner and brakes sharply, raising a cloud of dust. He takes the earphone out of his right ear with the music blaring loudly and looks around in bewilderment. Neil is standing right in the middle of the road and the same early birds people as himself are swearing around him, hurrying about their business. But he cannot move from the spot, looking in surprise at a small but rather nice coffee shop in warm, chocolate colors.

"Hey, man, get out of the way!"

A man passing by looks at him with displeasure and wraps his work jacket tighter around himself. Neil blinks and looks again at the coffee shop, then at the passerby.

"Did you even hear me?"

He repeats again and Neil nods, stepping aside and hastily apologizing.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, I just..."

Neil smiles awkwardly, pointing behind himself.

"Do you know where is the Greek restaurant that used to be here now?"

The man raises an eyebrow and looks at Neil as if he were the town lunatic's spouting some kind of nonsense.

"A Greek restaurant? There was never any Greek restaurant here. There was always a coffee shop."

The man shakes his head and walks away, grumbling under his breath. Neil looks at the coffee shop. What does he mean there was never one?

That's weird, because Neil clearly remembers that around the right turn down the street is the Greek restaurant where he gets his takeout breakfast. Always the same: two gyros¹ with smoked chicken, French fries and garlic sauce and, of course, a Cappuccino with double caramel and an Americano.

What?

Why does he need two portions of food to go and a cappuccino with caramel? Kevin doesn't like coffee, and Neil himself drinks nothing but unsweetened Americano. Neil shakes his head, not understanding where this came from, and resolutely enters the small coffee shop.

"Good morning! What may I get you today?"

Neil can't rid of the feeling that everything is wrong, but he still nods politely to the girl behind the counter, ordering some sugarfree Americano.

Back home, Neil throws the paper cup in the trash and returns to his room, trying not to make any noise and not awake his parents. Kevin, thank all the gods, agreed to stop being a mother hen and finally returned at his own home to his young wife. Neil loves his older brother very much, but sometimes he is too much.

Neil puts on his headphones and sits down to listen to the lectures for the university. He really tries to take notes, but an hour later he finds himself coloring the pages of his notebook with sketches of some flowers and figures of people.

"Wow"

Neil picks up the notebook and exhales in shock looking at his own drawings. He has never drawn like that in his entire life. Apparently, his physical memory really did a good job of preserving even the things he had completely forgotten.

Soon, Neil had filled all his notebooks with sketches and discovered that he was incredibly calmed by drawing more and more new stories from his head.

"Hello!"

David greets Neil, hugging and sitting down next to him on a bench near the university.

"I've been looking for you everywhere. I didn't find you in the library and started to worry."

Everyone always thinks that Kevin has the same personality as their mother. She really worries a lot, which is why it seems that way. But only a few people know that Kevin actually owes his overprotectiveness from his father.

"And I'm here."

Neil shrugs and starts to nervously twitch his leg.

"And you're here. Did you want to talk?"

His father asks and Neil sighs.

"I did."

He takes a breath, trying to pull himself together.

"Dad, I've decided to drop out of college."

Neil blurts out and continues before he changes his mind.

"And I'm going to rent an apartment in the city.

David looks at Neil a little longer than usual. He studies his son's stubborn expression and puts his hand on his shoulder, squeezing it tightly.

"Is this what you want, son?"

"Yes, dad, it is. I think...I think I've finally figured out what I want to do."

David smiles and nods.

"Then we'll help you. You know your mom and I are always here for you."

Neil relaxes and leans forward, hugging his father and feeling like a little boy again who's just found his home.

"Can you help me talk to Kevin? He only moved in calmly when I told him I was coming to live with you."

David laughs, pulling away and shaking his head.

"Oh, no. You have to do it yourself. I haven't been in touch with your brother since the 5th grade."

5 months later

"Kevin! Thea!"

Neil opens the door to his new apartment. It's small, but quite cozy. A bright studio next to a large park and the University of the Arts, where Neil decided to enroll again this year. Kevin meticulously examines the apartment, running his fingertips along the walls as if conducting an inspection. Thea rolls her eyes, watching her husband, and nudges him in the side.

"Stop it right now."

Kevin turns to his wife and shrugs innocently.

"What? I didn't do anything."

"I did. I can see it all on your face."

She scolds him, pointing a thin finger at him.

"Me too!"

Neil shouts from the kitchen, rattling dishes.

"That's not true!"

Kevin is indignant, walking into a small living room smoothly turning into a dining room with a round table near the window. Kevin plops down on the soft couch and looks up at the ceiling.

"I just don't understand why you don't want to live with us? We have a spare room and..."

"Kevin. We talked about it."

His wife says firmly, sitting down next to him. Kevin purses his lips and Neil raises an eyebrow in surprise as he walks into the room and sets out the plates.

"I mean, I'm so happy for you and my congratulations on moving in."

Kevin forces out. Neil gives Thea an admiring look.

"Wow! Just tell me how you did it and I swear I'll give you my soul."

Neil begs and Thea laughs.

"Hey!"

"Thanks, Kevin, I appreciate your effort. But to answer your question. I'm a grown person and I can live alone."

Kevin opens and then closes his mouth, looking sideways at his wife.

"Amazing. Just amazing."

Neil repeats, watching his brother with delight and laughing loudly when he throws a pillow at him.

They are still chuckling and teasing Kevin during dinner. Time flies by so quickly and before Neil can blink, it's already late evening.

"Ahem ahem"

Kevin clears his throat and glances at Thea, who is smiling.

"Anyway, there's something else we wanted to tell you..."

Kevin starts and Neil looks up with interest.

"Yeah? What's it?"

"Anyway...um...Thea and I...we basically..."

Kevin fidgets, biting his lip nervously and looking away, clearly not knowing how to start the conversation.

"Oh my god, is this something bad?"

Neil immediately gets scared and straightens up. Kevin opens his mouth to answer, but Neil is already spiraling, imagining increasingly disturbing scenarios.

"Oh no, are you sick?"

"What? No! Thea..."

"Oh my God, Thea is sick?"

Neil looks back in panic at Thea, who is trying to hold back her laugh. Kevin frowns, losing his patience.

"No, listen to me."

"Well, don't be silent, Kevin! You're scaring me! These are our parents, right? They're dying?"

Kevin opens his mouth in shock and shakes his head.

"No! Neil, fuck!"

"Kevin!"

"I'm pregnant!"

Thea says loudly, stopping the nascent quarrel between the brothers.

"What?"

Neil squeezes out half-strangled. Kevin falls silent and takes Thea's hand.

"That's what I was trying to tell you, you paranoid idiot. We're having a baby."

"I'm going to be an uncle?"

Neil whispers, tears gathering in his eyes. Kevin softens and reaches out to squeeze his brother's hand.

"Sure, you are. You'll babysit on the weekends when we need a break. And teach him or her all sorts of stupid things, and I'll call and scold you because I'll be jealous that you're their damn favorite."

"Do you really think so, Kev?"

"Of course, you're my little brother. Come here, Neil."

Kevin hugs his crying brother to himself and discreetly wipes away his own tears.

"I'm so happy for you guys."

Neil whispers and pulls away to hug Thea.

"So happy. Congratulations."

"Thank you, Neil."

Thea thanks him with a gentle smile. Neil rubs his face and smiles widely.

"Kevin doesn't drink, and you can't have alcohol right now either, so I'm not offering you any champagne. But maybe dessert to celebrate?"

Kevin looks at him in surprise.

"Do you have something sweet at home?"

Neil shrugs.

"Every time I come home from the store, I find something in a bag. I don't even remember how I put it in the basket. It's a shame to throw it away, so now I have a whole cabinet for it."

Thea nods.

"I wouldn't refuse tea."

"Then I'll be quick!"

Neil hurries to the kitchen, turning on the kettle and reaching for the cups.

"I can't believe it... I'm going to be an uncle..."

His hands shake a little at the thought and the fragile dishes fall out of his hands, falling to the floor and breaking.

"Oh, fuck!"

"Are you alive in there, bunny? Or should I call an ambulance already?"

"I'm fine!"

Neil answers and stops. Bunny? Only one person has ever called him that and he's definitely not in this apartment right now.

"What? We didn't say anything. Did something happen?"

Neil looks at his shaking hands as he picks up the cracked cup.

"Oh my God"

Now all this weird stuff with the doormat, the sweets he bought for no reason, and the coffee shop incident when Neil was sure he knew where he was going all make sense. Neil is afraid to hope, but...what if it's true? Is he really starting to remember? But if it is so, if the memories are slowly coming back, then there's still one more problem...

Should he tell Andrew about this?

7 months later

Andrew sighs heavily as he clicks the remote and switches channels. Two furry little bodies are curled up on his side and on his chest, purring with pleasure as Andrew mindlessly pets them, staring at the screen.

Ding Ding

Andrew rolls his eyes and ignores the phone lying next to him.

Ding Ding

"Nope"

He says, changing the channel again.

Ding Ding

Andrew groans and reaches for the phone to see who is this persistent one.

"Nicky."

Well, who would doubt it, Andrew thinks. Since he went back to work, Nicky and Aaron have calmed down a little, lighting their grip on him. Andrew wants to hang up, but he pauses and thinks. Nicky might show up here and no one will be able to throw him out. And Andrew is not in the mood to explain today why his fridge is empty and there is dust everywhere.

"Hello?"

Andrew finally decides to answer the phone.

"Andrew! What took you so long to pick up?"

"I was busy..."

Andrew looks up at the TV and shrugs.

"Watching a gardening show."

"You?"

Nicky is surprised.

"What? Maybe I have a new hobby. Why are you even calling me?"

"Okay, everyone goes crazy in their own way. So...do you remember Tyler?"

Andrew watches the girl on the screen with a bored look, explaining the difference between other types of soil for different kinds of plants. He clutches the phone to his shoulder and pets the cat on his chest with both hands, receiving a loud and contented purr in response.

"That's the tall, handsome guy from..."

"Get to the point, Nicky."

"So he asked if you are singal..."

"Nicky."

"And I said yes."

"Nicky."

"It's been, what, six months already? Andrew, don't...don't ruin yourself."

Andrew closes his eyes, the thought of Neil still hurts terribly. Nicky says it so easily. Six months. Andrew hasn't counted, but he doesn't need to. It's been seven long months since their breakup. Seven. And in that time, he's only seen Neil once. God, how he misses him.

"I'm not singal, Nicky."

"Andrew, at least think about it. You can't live like this!"

Andrew hangs up and turns off the TV, plunging the room into darkness. Damn Nicky.

Andrew gently pushes the cat off his chest and gets up from the couch, heading to the porch and taking a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. If any of his brothers find out about this, Andrew will never get away without a long lecture and possibly hysterics. But none of them are here and Andrew sits down on the porch without any problems.

"Meow?"

Sir, yawning, follows him and Andrew grins with a deft movement of his hand taking one cigarette out of the pack.

"Just one."

"Meow."

Sir repeats loudly and Andrew holds out his hand, beckoning and settling him next to.

"You can sit with me. Just don't tell anyone."

Andrew whispers and immediately grins.

"I'm talking to the cat. Fucking hell."

Andrew lights a cigarette and exhales a cloud of smoke into the air. The sky is incredibly black today with stars scattered across it. Beautiful.

Nicky is right. Andrew can't live like this, fighting for every breath. But as long as Neil is happy somewhere out there, Andrew can cope. At least for a little while longer.

9 months later

"Staring." Andrew says, sleepily opening his eyes and turning on his side to face Neil. "Mmm, you're so beautiful." Neil exhales in response, propping his cheek with his palm and not taking his eyes off Andrew, who has just woken up. "Do you say that to every guy who ends up in your bed?" "No, only to the ones I married." Neil grins, rolling his eyes, carefully watching Andrew's reaction to his words. "You know I'm not interested in others at all. The only one I'm interested in is you." The response is not long in coming and Andrew's ears slowly turn red, betraying his embarrassment. "Don't talk nonsense." "Stop me." "I hate you." "I know." "I swear, one day I'll smother you with a pillow in sleep." Neil laughs loudly and leans over Andrew. "Then kiss me goodbye?" And Andrew kisses. He cups Neil's face in his hands and lifts himself up, connecting their lips in a kiss. Neil tilts to him, closing his eyes and giving up to Andrew's pressure. His husband kisses him as if Neil was everything he could ever dream of. As if Neil was not just his life's dream, but his whole life. Andrew presses his lips to his as if this is the only way he can breathe and Neil would give anything in the world for this moment to last as long as possible...

Neil's eyes widen, breathing heavily. He sits up abruptly in bed and rubs his face. His cheeks are burning with embarrassment, as if he just spied on something very intimate. Neil touches his lips with the fingertips and it seems to him that he can still feel the kiss on them.

He becomes incredibly sad, as if in one moment he acquired and then lost something terribly valuable.

Neil gets out of bed, deciding that he can start the day earlier. But neither a shower, nor a run, nor even a cup of scalding hot coffee can erase the memories of gentle hands and quiet words. No matter how hard Neil tries, he cannot get the image of a sleepy and homely Andrew out of his head. Having barely waited until 7 am, Neil grabs the phone and dials a familiar number.

"Hello?"

A hoarse voice is heard and Neil winces.

"Sorry. Did I wake you up?"

"Mmm no, I usually get up at... at 7 am on Sunday."

Matt says yawning and Neil is almost ashamed. Almost.

"I'm sorry. I just really needed to talk and you know Kevin can't be woken up by a regular call, plus Thea doesn't sleep well because of the baby. And she's about to give birth and I didn't want to wake her up and..."

"What happened, Neil?"

Neil lets out a breath and sinks down onto the couch.

"I had a dream."

Neil closes his eyes and blurts out.

"About Andrew."

"Another memory?"

Matt asks, waking up.

"Yeah. I think so."

"Was it bad?"

Neil shakes his head.

"No, no, it was so...wonderful."

Matt is silent for a moment and then offers cautiously.

"Have you thought about talking to Andrew about this?"

"No. You know I can't."

Neil rubs his face.

"Why not?"

"Because it's not enough. It's not enough."

"Your memories are coming back, Neil. Andrew wishes he could be here to help with this."

"You don't understand. After everything I put him through, I can't do that to him. Give him hope."

"You're not doing anything wrong."

"But what if that's it? What if I can't remember anything else and I'm left with just these random bits of memories? I can't do that to Andrew again."

"You're trying to protect him. I get that. But you love him."

Neil clenches his teeth, forcing them out.

"In our case, love isn't enough."

"Oh, Neil. It's always enough."

They're both silent and Matt sighs.

"Talk to Renee. I'm sure she can give you advice. She and Andrew are really close, after all."

"I don't think..."

"She won't tell him anything if you ask. That's why I'm not suggesting you meet Nicky or Aaron."

Neil nods thoughtfully.

"Maybe you're right. I will."

Neil waits another two weeks and a few memories to work up the courage to call her.

"Neil?"

She asks, surprised, and Neil exhales.

"Renee. Can we meet somewhere? I really need to talk to you."

"Sure."

11 months later

It's one of the most exciting and happy days of his life.

The day Neil holds his little niece in his arms for the first time. Sophie looks at him with her huge green eyes and wrinkles her mouth in a toothless smile.

"Did you see that? Did you see that?!"

Neil screams, unable to tear his eyes away from the baby in his arms.

"She just smiled at me!"

"It's just gas."

Kevin rolls his eyes.

"Babies can't smile, she's just farting."

Neil smiles happily at the girl and coos.

"Silly daddy, right Sophie? You're smiling at your Uncle Neil because you're already so happy to see me, right?"

"Give me my baby back. She's not even a day old, and you're already turning her against me."

Neil hugs the girl close and steps away laughing.

"Yeah, right. Sophie is my girl. Aren't you, Sophie?"

Neil says affectionately and Sophie smiles at him again. Neil cries out triumphantly and turns around, looking for a familiar grin and narrowed light brown eyes. But next to him there is only emptiness. Neil's heart stops in his chest and he hides his disappointment behind cooing at Sophie. But Andrew still won't leave his head.

1 year later

Neil is sorting through his things, looking for a book that he had thrown somewhere during the move, but for some reason Kevin urgently needed it. As if he has enough free time to read with a newborn baby. But Neil is a good brother and he spends his entire day off on this stupid search.

In one of the many boxes that Neil threw into the closet to sort out later and of course forgot, he finds a folded sheet of paper. More precisely, a menu folded several times.

Neil exhales loudly and picks it up, already knowing what is written there.

"I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands."

Neil slowly sits down on the floor, reading the familiar lines and remembering how long he came up with this speech, trying to express all his feelings in words.

"To speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they're not. To agree to disagree on that terrible caramel-chocolate pie. And to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home."

Neil wipes the tears from his face and runs his trembling fingers along the lines. Neil cries remembering their wedding and the way Andrew looked at him. Neil remembers his speech. Andrew promised that their love would last a lifetime. He promised that if something carry them apart, they would definitely find their way back to each other.

Neil looks at the box of things again and thinks about the likelihood that he will find this thin piece of paper among a whole bunch of things in his closet. Neil does not believe in fate, but now he wants to believe that this is a sign.

Maybe it's time?

...

The moment of contact.

The moment of collision. His ability to change the environment extends far beyond our imagination.

It attracts some particles, bringing them closer than before. And throws others aside, sending them on great adventures. Landing them where you did not even expect.

That's the point of such moments. No matter how hard you try... it is impossible to control how they will affect. All that remains is to let the particles land where they are destined and wait. Until the next collision.

It's cold outside. Small snowflakes are swirling in the sky, slowly showering the ground and covering it with a white blanket. Andrew wraps his black coat tighter around himself, pushing away the memories the weather has brought on.

He quickens his pace, hurrying towards a small restaurant near his house, hoping to warm up and have a coffee. To his great regret, this is not destined to come true. The doors are tightly closed, and a sign lets frozen customers know that due to snowfall, the restaurant is closed today. Andrew curses under his breath and turns away.

"Hi"

Andrew turns around at the voice and exhales a cloud of steam into the air. Neil is standing in front of him. He is wearing a light jacket clearly not suitable for this weather and a stupid orange scarf carelessly wrapped around his neck. Andrew hides the trembling in his hands, hiding them in the pockets of his coat and takes a step forward.

"Hi"

Neil smiles as he comes closer and nervously adjusts his hair disheveled by the cold wind. They are silent, simply looking at each other as if they cannot believe that this is really happening. Neil has a soft smile on his face, his cheeks are red from the cold, and snowflakes have already gathered on his light eyelashes, making his eyes even more beautiful. A whole year has passed, but Andrew feels like it's been so much longer. He wants to ask Neil if it was as hard for him to be apart, but instead he grins and nods toward the closed restaurant.

"You came to town for a cup of coffee?"

Neil shakes his head and smiles sheepishly.

"Actually, I've been living in town for six months already. "

Neil waves his hand.

"Near The Rogers Park."

"Really?"

Andrew can't believe they haven't seen each other in all that time. Although, knowing Neil, he probably only goes there in the mornings.

"That's great."

He says. Neil nods and continues.

"And I went back to the Art Institute."

Andrew looks at him in surprise.

"What? Are you kidding me?"

Neil smiles and shakes his head.

"Nope."

God, Andrew loves him so much. He didn't realize how much he missed his smile until he saw it again.

"That's great. You've always had talent."

Andrew supports him. Neil looks away, embarrassed.

"More precisely, I attend a couple of disciplines. You know, it's incredible, but my hands remember what my head has forgotten."

Andrew suppresses the pain from these words, nodding.

"Thank you."

Neil whispers, taking a step closer.

"I didn't do anything."

"You've done so much."

Neil shakes his head, tears shining in his eyes.

"You accepted me as I am. Not as you wanted me to be."

Andrew grins.

"I wanted you to be happy."

Andrew answers, and it's the honest truth.

"That's all."

Neil looks at the sky and opens his palm, exposing it to the snowflakes swirling in the air.

"How beautiful. But it's so cold."

Neil complains, shivering and making Andrew's heart beat faster. Neil looks down at Andrew again and holds out his hand forward to him, freezing in millimeters. Andrew is afraid to move, feeling the warmth barely reaching him through the cold wind.

"Yes or no?"

Neil asks in a whisper and Andrew seems to hear something crashing inside. And it seems to him that it is his heart, otherwise why does it hurt so much?

Andrew looks at him with wide-open eyes and tries to find the strength to say at least something.

"Do you...remember?"

Andrew asks a little louder than a whisper and freezes. The seconds of waiting drag on like hours and Andrew is afraid to move. The hope that he trampled and crushed for so long grows in him again, putting down roots. If this is a joke. If this is just a play on words or an accident. Andrew doesn't think he can handle this.

Neil swallows hard and nods slightly, to Andrew's great relief.

"I...not really."

He admits, still holding his hand outstretched toward him.

"But a little...I remember...the memory is starting to come back."

Neil chatters and smiles warmly at him. Tears escape his eyes.

"Sometimes I have dreams about you."

Andrew grabs Neil's hand, squeezing it with his trembling palms, and listens, trying to keep breathing.

"I dreamed about our first meeting. And the wedding, and how you came to my workshop in the middle of the night. Our trips to the lake and the cigarette we shared."

Neil laughs.

"I even started smoking, can you imagine? I wanted to bring that feeling back, but it didn't work. Without you, nothing works."

"Why didn't you tell me anything, Neil?"

"I was scared."

Neil squeezes Andrew's cold fingers.

"At first, I didn't understand anything. Everything was so strange. I thought I was going crazy. Sometimes I heard voices, sometimes I did things I'd never done before, or saw things that weren't there."

Neil looks Andrew in the eyes and raises the hand higher, tremblingly touching his cheek.

"When I finally realized that this was my memory, I was horrified at the thought of telling you about it. You had a new life. Without me."

Andrew smiles bitterly at his words, shaking his head.

"I didn't have any life without you."

"But I couldn't give you anything except another, possibly useless hope. Even now. Andrew, there are so many blank spots in my memory."

Neil sobs. Andrew tenses up, and for a moment Neil thinks he's going to push him away. But instead, Andrew pulls him to himself by the collar of the jacket and whispers almost into his lips, Andrew's breath burning him.

"Then why did you suddenly change your mind?"

"I want to remember everything. But even more, I want to be with you. To create new memories together."

Neil closes his eyes and whispers.

"It's okay if you hate me."

"That's good, because I do."

Andrew leans closer and gently touches Neil's lips with his own, slowly, as if testing the boundaries of what is permitted. He does not deepen the kiss, content with his warmth and the opportunity to finally be close.

Neil laughs, pressing himself against Andrew, touching their foreheads and inhaling the familiar scent of his cologne. Andrew squeezes Neil tightly in response, afraid to let him go, as if if he loosens his grip even a little, Neil will slip out of his hands like smoke.

"How many have I got already?"

Neil whispers and Andrew exhales.

"Thousand."

...

¹ Greek fast food, similar to doner or shawarma.

Chapter Text

Andrew slowly wakes up. Wincing and with difficulty opening one eye, he looks around. It is still terribly dark in the bedroom and Andrew guesses that it must be deep night now. Taking a quick glance at the bedside clock, Andrew sees that it's barely 5 AM, which means...

Andrew's eyes snap open, instantly waking up and turning to the other half of the bed. Neil is sleeping, spread out on the bed in the shape of a star. His head is thrown back and his mouth is slightly open, which is why Neil snores a little in his sleep. One of his hands is thrown over his face, covering his eyes, and the other hangs somewhere below from the bed. The blanket is crumpled into an incomprehensible pile at the foot of the bed and Sir and King are already comfortably curled up there. Andrew allows himself a few minutes to enjoy his silhouette illuminated by the moon peeking out of the window. Neil is sleeping without a shirt and, having gotten used to the darkness, Andrew clearly sees all his scars and abrasions.

"Neil?"

Andrew whispers unexpectedly even for himself and freezes looking at his husband. The gold ring shines on his finger again and Andrew squeezes it in confirmation. He needs to calm down and go to bed. He worked at the bar all night last day, and Neil had picked up a new order and was taking full advantage of Andrew's absence, hanging out in the workshop all night long, as before. They both need to take advantage of the day off and get some sleep. But Andrew just can't, not after everything.

"Hey."

Andrew whispers again, leaning over Neil and lightly touching his shoulder, nudging him. Neil doesn't react, too tired to even feel this light touch. But Andrew can't calm down anymore. The night darkness brings anxious thoughts and Andrew's heart beats faster.

"Neil!"

Raising his voice, Andrew calls and Neil finally moves, removing his hand from his face and tangling his legs in the blanket, waking the cats up. He groans, making a half-wheeze.

"Mhrm?"

Neil refuses to wake up, clinging with all his might to the elusive sleep. But Andrew needs him to wake up right now, so he pats his chest and pushes, insisting.

"Neil, wake up."

Neil whines, wrinkling his face and opening his red eyes from fatigue, frowning at Andrew.

"What?"

He wheezes in his sleep and Andrew hesitates, exhaling.

"Still remember me?"

Neil makes a strange guttural sound in disappointment and turns away from Andrew to the other side.

"Mhrm, fuck off..."

He grumbles, trying to fall asleep again. Andrew instantly loses any shyness and decisively turns his husband back onto his back.

"Neil, fucking hell, answer the question and go back to sleep."

He demands, shaking Neil by the shoulders and forcing him to wake up.

"I'm not a fuck."

Neil grumbles and Andrew loses his patience, turning on the bedside lamp, causing Neil to scream, trying to save his eyes.

"You won't let me sleep, will you?"

Andrew is silent, staring at Neil. He takes pity, raising himself up on his elbows and sitting up in bed too, rubbing his face and yawning.

"Yes, Drew, I still remember you."

He exhales and Andrew nods, relaxing a little. Neil watches his body language and feels ashamed when he notices how tense Andrew was.

"Did you have a nightmare?"

Neil asks quietly. Andrew shakes his head and answers the question with a question.

"When is my birthday?"

Neil pretends to sob and closes his eyes, leaning back on the pillows.

"I'll go live with Kevin, at least he sleeps at night..."

Neil complains and still answers, opening his eyes and staring miserably at the ceiling.

"November 4th"

Andrew accepts this answer, but apparently it is not enough.

"What did we do in...?"

Neil interrupts his husband before he can formulate a new question.

"Andrew, darling, do you believe in me that much or do you really think I remember?"

Neil takes Andrew's hand and squeezes it softly, looking into his eyes. He smiles warmly at him, conveying his confidence. Andrew looks so soft and homey after sleeping. He wears only soft gray pants and has his hair sticking out in all directions. Red marks from the pillow are still visible on his face and Neil cannot help but gently run his fingertips over them.

"Even on the best of days, my memory is more like a sieve, not to mention..."

Neil looks at his watch and rolls his eyes.

"Not to mention 4 o'clock in the morning."

"I just..."

Andrew exhales, squeezing Neil's hand back. He nervously twitches his shoulder, not wanting to say it out loud. But Neil doesn't need it. He already knows that Andrew still wakes up from nightmares and memories of the accident and of Neil waking up from a coma with no memory of him. Sometimes Andrew wakes up in the middle of the night and just looks at him sleeping. Sometimes he wakes Neil up, asking him questions and trying to convince himself that all the horror they experienced is in the past. It cost them both a trip to the hospital, a whole lost year and a lot of nerve cells. But they still got through it. Together.

"I know and no matter what I say, I'm glad you woke me up."

Neil moves closer to Andrew, kissing his cheek and whispers.

"I remember that your name is Andrew Joseph Minyard. You are my husband. We have two very cheeky cats."

Neil grins, glancing at the cats at their feet, who have fallen asleep again.

"Sir Fat Cat McCatterson and King Fluffkins. I remember you didn't want to take them and lied about being allergic."

Andrew relaxes more and more with each new word, but still doesn't stop Neil.

"I also remember that you're a terrible fan of sugar and that we're having dinner with my parents next Sunday."

Neil kisses Andrew's wedding ring.

"I remember that almost two years ago we had an accident and I lost my memory after scaring you terribly. I remember you, Andrew."

Neil says.

"My wonderful, caring and such amazing husband. I remember you and I swear I'll never forget you again."

"Don't make promises you can't keep."

"I promise."

Neil says stubbornly.

"I'll be there and every time you think I've forgotten you or you have a nightmare I'll be right here. Repeating over and over that I remember. Because I can never forget you."

"Swear."

"I swear."

Neil nods and Andrew finally exhales, turning off the lamp and lying down. They look into each other's eyes for a few more minutes, letting go of the fears of the past. Andrew is already starting to fall asleep again, calmed by Neil's speech, when Neil suddenly moves, waking him up. The light in the room comes on again. Neil turns away from his lamp and grins, looking at Andrew, who looks puzzled.

"What?"

"I can't sleep now."

Andrew snorts, looking at him.

"What does this have to do with me?"

"Since we're already awake, can I get a blowjob for waking me up?"