Chapter Text
jungkook was lying on the floor, arms and legs spreading like the sweat from his body spreading all over his clothes and the studio floor. at times like this, albeit rare, he lets the little nasty thought of quitting ballet bounce in his skull, hitting nervous spots. he rolls on the floor and groans loudly, his long acorn colored hair liberating itself from the constraints of the hair-tie and covering his face. his hair is all sweaty too and it makes him feel gross, like he’s been rained on in a storm.
suddenly, this last thought makes him spring up on his knees and wander towards his phone. he unplugs it from the studio speakers, rummages through his bag, and puts his headphones on. it’s almost time, i hope i’m not late.
“and now it is time for the weather report. suga hyung, the floor is all yours.” jungkook clenches the phone tight in his hands as if he was holding somebody’s hand instead, needy and devoted.
“as always, welcome to suga’s weather corner. today the weather in busan is crying, i can’t tell whether it is from happiness or sadness, but what i can say is please bring an umbrella with you if you’re going out. sometimes even when the weather seems gloomy and sad, it is not sadness the best emotion to describe the sentiment. today i wanted to ask my listeners what they think of regret. i’ll start with something easy: i regret not bringing an umbrella with me this morning before leaving.” raspy laugh, scratching and warm like a gulp of hot honey tea.
jungkook has been listening to the 134340.rm station for the past year. he discovered it by mere accident when looking for things to listen to while he was on the bus. he stumbled across 1340340 by mere accident and was about to press skip when he heard that deep and grabbing voice. he was pulled in immediately. suga, whoever that might be in real life, has been a constant in his life for the past 12 months. the day he started studying ballet seriously at the busan b&d studio is the day he fell for a voice on the radio.
“i didn’t cry because of it, of course, maybe because the sky was already doing it for me. walking around doing my errands and coming to the studio, with the gentle rain falling on the shoulders was somehow comforting. but, alas, regret can be a big thing in our lives. if anyone listening wants to share their regrets today, the website and my phone are ready to receive your words.”
without thinking, instinctively as breathing, jungkook sent a message to 1340340. then, he plopped back down on the floor, eyes closed, listening to suga’s voice, so close and yet so far away. he wished he knew what he looked liked, that way he could search for him in the crown and in cafes and anywhere anywhere, anywhere he was he wanted to see him. he knew he lived in busan, just like him. however, not knowing him made him somehow so much farther away, so far away he could have been on the other side of the world and it would have been just the same.
“listener minha444, hi. i see here that you brought up a difficult topic. it says in your message that you regret getting into the relationship you’re currently in. i’m genuinely sorry to hear that, i understand how lonely and nerve wracking that must be for you. as with all relationships, whether they’re romantic, platonic or between coworkers, the only thing to ever suggest in such a situation is honesty. talk to your partner. don’t worry about being a nuisance or hurting them, because so far all you’ve done is hurt yourself and that’s not healthy. talk to them, explain why you’re unhappy, and if there is nothing to do, if that person doesn’t listen and try to make you happier, if nothing changes, then you already know my answer. we often get in relationships that make us miserable just because we’re too scared of being alone, because sometimes we’re too lonely to bear it. but there is nothing wrong with being by oneself. look at your suga--”
jungkook blushed childishly. your suga. damn, that’s not even his real name but jungkook wondered how it would feel to hear such words whispered to his ear. embarrassed, he rolled on the other side and brought his knees to his chest, hugging them.
“-- i’m a pretty lonely guy. i don’t have more than a couple of friends, although one of them is my coworker so who knows if we’re really friends,” another laugh. the heat from after practice transformed into a waterfall of chills all over jungkook’s body. “i don’t have a partner either. what i suggest is to keep your heart open, if the right person walks in you can let them in. just don’t let anyone in.”
jungkook grabbed his phone and, reluctantly, sent another message to the station. hoping it would be read out loud by suga, hoping it would get lost in the hundreds of messages and never read. he was hard on himself when it came to knowing what he wanted.
“hello to you too, listener minminminho. that’s quite a cute nickname you have there. let’s see, what you regret is being weak and unable to say no to your friends when they want to make you do something you don’t want to. first of all, that doesn’t make you a weak person-- update on the weather in our friendly busan: the rain has subsided a bit and almost stopped; i’d still recommend an umbrella, it would be a shame if anyone of you caught a cold. see, just like the rain, it’s not weak per se if it rains softly or strong if it’s storming, they’re just two different weather conditions. i think you’re just the type of person who likes to please others and maybe even seeks others’ approval, is this why you can’t say no? i believe that deep down we’re capable of all kinds of weather, from a summery warm day to a snowstorm, so how about you try to imagine this side of you, the pouring rain. i’m sure you have it in you and will learn, gradually, how to say no and please yourself and not only other people. although, if your friends keep overstepping the line fuck the--”
jungkook’s mellow and little echoed in the studio as the show interrupted by a sudden song. something french he couldn’t understand but that made him want to lift his exhausted body and dance until his head was spinning. the orchestral background was coincidentally perfect for the choreo he had been working on, and with his long hair undone and phone in hand, he spun and danced and leaned against an invisible partner and danced , encouraged by listening to suga’s program. his superior was probably scolding him for swearing live, because the same song played twice, thrice, and each time jungkook danced his heart out, imagining that someone was there watching him. not to judge, but to fall into the saccharine devotion he had for this art. someone who would understand his dancing and the places of his heart it came from. maybe, someone gentle and understanding like suga.
“--okay, okay, i’ll say it. hello again, listeners of 134340 and suga’s weather. i was told to apologize for swearing on air, so, here you go. i hope you enjoyed the little music interval as i was being yelled at. unfortunately, my little slip up cut away some time from my show so we don’t have much time left together. hmm,” and his hum sounded more like a cat purring than an actual hum, making jungkook oh so weak, “regrets. they’re a heavy burden that can hinder our everyday life, so to all those listening, i suggest we act on them instead of leaving them to rot inside out of. cut the dead leaves and leave your desert dry self under the sweet sun-- and here we have another weather update, seems like the rain in busan has completely stopped everywhere in the city so go outside on a walk and search for rainbows and snails, and post the pictures on your preferred social media with the hashtag #134340suga. before i leave you to my today’s music mixtape, let’s read another message from you, my dear listeners. this one comes from jkook: i regret not knowing you in real life, suga … ah--”
jungkook’s heart rate spiked up even more then when he was dancing, the ventricles suddenly working in ways the were not supposed to, as his heart rose and rose higher and higher until it was in his mouth. it felt like he could taste it if only he bit. pomegranate and nervous blood, sweet and saccharine and salty.
“you got me jkook, you caught me red handed: wordless. i appreciate the feeling though and, although it is not advice, let me tell you this one thing. yet. you don’t know me yet. who knows how the weather will be tomorrow or next week or next month? and with a stunning sunshine shining all over our city, i now leave you to my daily mixtape. thank you for sending in your messages and for tuning in for suga’s weather corner. until tomorrow.” then his voice was cut up by an old epik high song.
--
the competition was nearing, coming fast like a train without brakes. and jungkook? he was strapped on the tracks like in an old western movie.
although he had an half-idea on the choreography, he still hadn’t been able to choose a song that could really portray his passion. he had a playlist of maybes that he’d played and dance to until utter exhaustion, and once he was home (an apartment too tiny to contain his dancing, the furniture bruising him everywhere every time he’d practice home, just like his tight ribcage to small to contain the size of his heart) he’s either practice to silence or go through infinite playlists in search of just the right song. but nothing was perfect, nothing struck his chords like he was hoping for. and it was just a mere, or not, coincidence that almost all of the songs he listened to and saved on his studio playlist were from suga’s daily mixtapes.
there was something, a rhythm he’d find himself humming from time to time, but he couldn’t recognize the song stuck under his tongue.
like the moment you realize a heartbreak is waiting behind the door ready to knock, jungkook felt the sickening pit in his stomach. therefore, when he got to the studio that day, ponytail and barefoot, he couldn’t focus on anything but the anxiety of it all. so, to put it simply, that day his dancing sucked. he didn’t someone or the wall mirror to tell him, he could feel that his limbs were moving too mechanically, that the few steps of the choreo he had come up with kept escaping him like a bird impossible to catch. he himself felt just like a bird, but not the kind free to fly wherever and however it wanted, but a haunting target with the promise of a bullet waiting for him.
eventually, jungkook took a break to drink one of his far too many energetic drinks that he always brought with himself, and checked the hour. it was almost suga time. this time, he left the phone attached to the speakers when he tuned into 1340340.rm.
it was a bit early and moon, one of the station’s djs, was playing music. jungkook took some deep breaths and stretched his body for a few minutes, forcing himself to relax. he didn’t recognize any of the songs, moon liked obscure indie music, but a few of them were nice and he told himself to remember to check them out later from their blog.
“and that was moonchild by rm. now, everyone’s favorite host is ready to talk to you about the weather. suga hyung?”
“thank you, moon. welcome everyone to suga’s weather corner. today we’re going to take a look at daegu’s weather. it’s rainy but filled with brimming sunshine over there, a weather that makes you feel nostalgic and homesick. why am i mentioning this? well, i’m originally from daegu and recently i had no time to go visit it, so i guess i’m feeling a bit homesick. i miss my dog the most, holly, who’s staying with my grandparents. my sweet grandma always told me that when it rains on sunny days we must look at the sky and make a wish, once the rain subsides our wish would come true. talking about wishes, a lot of you did indeed sent us a lot of snail and frogs and rainbow pictures over the last few days, making wishes to rainbows. is that a common thing? is that a busan thing i didn’t know?”
jungkook hadn’t seen a single rainbow but he still smiled at the silly comment.
“talking about rainbows, let’s see the weather in busan. the sun is shining from every corner and it will keep on shining even when darkness overcomes the day. not a single cloud in the ocean sky. we’re expecting to see many stars tonight and the days ahead. remember though, many of what you think are stars are actually satellites. it’s not too easy to recognize which are which, however, our night sky is filled with little, lying blinking dots trying to trick us into thinking they’re stars. tonight, glance at the sky and see if you can guess which dot is what.”
he didn’t even realize when he started, but suddenly jungkook found himself dancing to suga’s voice. his movements were once again fluid like ocean sky and the weather in his head was free of clouds.
“getting back to your wishes, how about we make that today’s topic? i’ll read some from sns and you can send more at our number or blog. the first one is from vernono13 who wishes to find a better job soon. good luck on that! i’m sure if you wait, the right occasion will present to you like a gift. seulgah127 wishes to recover from her cold. ah! i hope you had your umbrella ready when i warned you!”
jungkook spun gracefully at the laugh coming from the speakers and landed in a stunning position that he immediately noted for his choreo.
“seulgah127, i hope you recover from your cold soon. make sure to take your meds and rest a lot. wow, will you look at that, we have an incredible amount of comments and wishes coming from a familiar listener of the show. hi, jkook.”
hi, jkook. two simple yet pomegranate sweet words made jungkook’s heart dance with him. he greeting him. and, most importantly, suga remembered him. him, amongst hundreds of people. it felt as if he had taken a giant bite of a pomegranate, skin and all, the sweet juice quickly replacing the blood in his veins and leaving his mouth bloody-looking.
“thank you for being such a faithful listener. what you wished for the most is to find a song for your dancing competition. you’re a dancer then? i wonder what kind. hip hop? ballet? contemporary? for me, i think i’d love to see you dance ballet.”
and in that moment the crown of strangers tuned in disappeared, ghosts that didn’t mean anything. suga was talking to jungkook. although the conversation could only be one sided, jungkook felt so otherworldly happy that his limbs swung and moved in beautiful movements. perhaps, he was dancing better than he ever had, as if his soul knew the choreo, no, as if suga knew the choreo and was instructing him through his deep and calming voice through the radio. in that moment, it was just the two of them. the prophetic bullet seemed to vanish, and the train coming to wreck his body was traveling far away in another direction. for once, he felt free.
“well, i don’t know what kind of music you’re searching for, but if you message us your address i will send you a personally made mixtape. update on the weather in busan, everyone: it seems like the day is getting hotter and hotter so remember to put on sunscreen on your face and dress accordingly. did some of you wish for hot weather?”
suga chuckled and continued talking but jungkook had frozen into place all of a sudden. a mixtape made by suga? personally for him? for a moment he thought it was just a joke, something sweet to say on the radio to get the listeners to like him. but something in him was sure that he wasn’t the type of person to lie.
jungkook stumbled to his phone, tripping and falling on the floor, bumping his knee slightly. although it hurt, the pain didn’t quite reach his brain as all the space in it was occupied with suga’s words. with trembling hands, both from the tiredness of a dancing session and the urgency his heart was screaming at him with. quickly putting in 134340 as the number, he wrote hello, this is jkook. i’m not sure if suga-ssi was serious about the mixtape, but just in case he was, i live in the student dormitory in jeowon street. my name’s jeon jungkook.” and then, just because he couldn’t stop himself, he added, i have a ballet competition at the busan b&d agency on the 13th of next month. suga-sii, if you want to see me dance ballet, please come, and then, before he could regret any of it, he hit send.
after that, jungkook lay on the studio floor with his heart outside of his ribcage, resting in his hands, until a class needed the room and he was forced to leave.