Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Maybe, in another lifetime.

Maybe, there is a lifetime.

Where I get to keep you…forever. Where I didn’t choose to ruin what good thing we have—but is it? Ruined?

Maybe there is a lifetime, where I didn’t act on the warmth that spreads across my cheek at the glance of your smile, or the rush that I feel in my core at sight of your calmly rising and falling chest as you doze off. In that lifetime, I wasn’t selfish or rash nor impulsive. In that lifetime, we’re friends and no matter what I do, I know I get to keep you—forever.

In that lifetime, I was more careful not to let our looks linger. The feeling of your touch did not keep me on my toes as much. I wasn’t too hungry for your kisses nor did I yearn to hold you at night, during your worst days, and nightmares and bad thunderstorms. I wasn’t envious—jealous of those that come near you.

This lifetime, however—

Not in this lifetime.

Jhoanna adjusts her thick glasses and wipes the trickle of sweat on her forehead, glancing up the windows of the building where she’s supposed to live, well, indefinitely—while she’s still figuring out what the hell she’s going to do with life after graduating college. She knew right away that she wanted to risk going to Manila to widen her horizon—spread her wings kumbaga, live a life not within her parents’ walls.

Although, it wasn’t easy going here. Her mom and dad cried for three days straight nung nagpaalam s’ya. Being an only child, she expected their reaction. She knows it had to be done, though. Wala naming mapapala ang isang broadcasting major sa probinsya. So she thought, this is the only way—sapalaran sa matao, madumi, masikip at maingay na Manila. It’s a brand-new chapter of her life and she cannot wait to start. Kahit mostly, hindi nya alam kung paano, saan magsisimula at kung ano talaga yung gagawin nya.

With her luggage in tow, she treaded the cement floor of the lobby of the building. Hindi na s’ya nagpahatid sa parents n’ya dahil gusto nga n’ya gawin to nang mag-isa. Surprisingly, pinayagan s’ya knowing na si Sheena, pinsan n’ya, naman yung kasama n’ya sa dorm—along with two other girls.

Jhoanna struggles as she dragged her luggage and her precious suitcase—containing her podcast equipment. It was a dreadful 3-hour bus ride from Laguna to Sta. Mesa, and truth be told, she didn’t get much sleep last night—kasi nga excited s’ya. She is exhausted, to say the least.

Lumapit s’ya dun sa babae sa front desk, “Hi, new tenant po—” She didn’t even finish before the lady guard cut her off, her eyes fixed on whatever notebook she was holding.

“Pahingi nalang ng valid ID, ma’am.”

Okay. Jhoanna thought, reaching for her wallet in her duffel bag. This is not supposed to be the attitude of someone who is working on the front desk? She thinks, ganito ba talaga yung mga tao sa Manila?

She’s not entirely new to the city, and hindi rin naman probinsyang probinsya ang Laguna. But somehow she gets an inkling that actually living in Manila is different from visiting BGC for a night out. This is the real Manila, sometimes walang pakielam ang mga tao sayo. They just wanna get their job done. Everyone is just trying to make a living. So, hindi n’ya na pinagtuunan ng pansin.

She hands her newly released driver’s license to the lady before reaching for her duffel bag again, this time taking out her phone. She opens her phone and texts Sheena.

Shee [7:01am]: Shee, andito na ko.

The faint sending tone sends anxiety to Jhoanna’s stomach. Hindi pa nag-reply si Sheena sa kanya since last night. The lady guard returns her ID, and Jhoanna smiles and thanks her nonetheless, despite the former’s attitude.

She tugs her stuff slowly to the direction of the elevator. She knows what floor and room she’s supposed to go. Sheena had given her the address the other night. She tries to ring the younger girl, but to no avail. Jhoanna sighs as presses the button on the elevator. Baka tulog pa yun. Maaga pa naman kasi.

A small smile manages to crawl up her lips. Positive attitude. It’s not nice to start this chapter of her life full of anxiety. This is exciting—is supposed to be exciting.

The door of the elevator opens revealing a semi dark hall, no people just doors. Jhoanna counts the doors, as she treaded the halls and stops at Room 1604. She double checks the address on her phone before knocking.

Jhoanna shifts uncomfortably when nobody answered. She tries calling her younger cousin again. It rings and rings, pero walang sumasagot. Impatient, she knocks again. Louder this time. She hears the door unlock and then swings open slowly revealing a petite girl with short red hair. “Yes?” The girl says. You can see she woke up against her will.

“Ahh…anjan si Sheena?” Jho manages.

The petite girl yawns as she steps back. “Ikaw yung pinsan n’ya?” She asks, resigning inside the room.

Jhoanna is confused. Is she supposed to just follow in? Yes, siguro? So she does, struggling with her luggage. “Oo, anjan ba s’ya? Kanina ko pa s’ya tinatawagan…”

“Oh no…” The petite girl remarks, looking at her luggage. “This is bad. SHEEENA!”

Jho jumps, peaking at the bedroom where the petite girl entered. She follows quietly, leaving her luggage on the kitchen floor. She walks slowly, until the double bed is revealed where her cousin is lying down. “Shee.” She calls softly, may natutulog pa kasi sa kabilang double deck.

The younger girl stirs, opening her eyes slowly. She tries to make out of what’s in front of her, before jolting suddenly to sit down. “ATE JHO!”

Jhoanna hides her smile. Namiss n’ya rin kasi si Sheena, since they grew up together.

“Naka-ilang tawag na ko, Sheena Mae.” Jho deadpans.

Sheena winces at the use of her full first name. “Shit, sorry.”

Jho raises her eyebrows, a little surprised at the language that Sheena used. She brushed it off, this is Manila. She folds her arms on her chest instead.

“Ate Jho…” Sheena calls softly, before flashing the older girl her megawatt smile. “Kumain ka na? Ano gusto mo kainin? Pagluto ba kita or order nalang tayo?” She stands up, fussing over Jho.

“Hindi pa ko gutom, Shee. Pero medyo inaantok pa ko. Hindi kasi ako nakatulog kagabi.” Jhoanna pouts. “Saan ko pwede ilagay yung mga gamit ko?”

Sheena bites her bottom lip, her demeanor suddenly changing from happy and excited to nervous. She pinches the bridge of her nose. “Uhm…okay. About that…” Sheena winces again. “Fuck, sorry Ate.”

“What?” Jhoanna asks, looking over Sheena and then looking past the small redhaired girl leaning on the doorway. “What?!”

“Nakalimutan ko kasing banggitin na puno na kami dito sa condo na to. Hanggang three people lang talaga dito sabi nung may-ari. For three people lang din yung bed. Hati kami ni Gwen dito sa double and si Stacy naman dun sa single.” Sheena blurts.

Jhoanna’s eyes widen. What?! Where is she supposed to sleep now?

Only a firm “Ano?” is what she manages to come out. How can Sheena let this one important detail slip out?

Sheena sighs in defeat. “Sorry na!” She reaches for her older cousin’s hands that’s folded in her chest, as she hears Gwen. “Listen, you can stay here during the day most of us are in class naman. But with the bed capacity, wala na kasi.”

“Saan mo ko papatulugin, Sheena Mae?!” Jho raises her voice.

“Wait! Di pa kasi ako tapos, Ate Jho.” Sheena convinces. “Nakausap ko yung owner, sa kanya din kasi ‘tong unit na katabi namin,” Sheena points. “Du’n may vacancy daw, same rates.” She laughs sheepishly. “Dalawa lang sila do’n. Kaklase ni Stacey yung isa, si Aiah. Mabait yun, okay lang sayo Ate?”

Jho puffs, playfully nudging her cousin’s shoulder, her eyebrows knitted. She stares at the younger girl to unearth her. She’s disappointed, of course. Apart from figuring out what she’s gonna do with her career, she was also looking forward to having sleepovers with Sheena like they did when they were younger. She wanted to goof off again with the younger girl, and just then not think about being an adult just yet.

“Nagtatampo ako sayo.” Jho pouts.

“I know.” Sheena pleads and matches her pout.

The older girl sighs, giving in to Sheena as usual. “Wala naman na ata akong magagawa, Shee?” Jho turns around to gather her stuff that’s on the floor, passing by Gwen (she assumes).

Sheena follows her, running to get ahead. “Sorry na, Ate Jho! Gusto ko lang din naman kasi makasama din kita at matuloy ka dito sa Manila. That’s why I did a little white lie. Pero we can still hang out here. Hindi naman problem yun kina Gwen and Staku.”

Staku? Nevermind.

Defeated, Jho sighs again. “Okay, Shee. Like I said, wala naman na kong magagawa di ba?”

Jhoanna is not angry. How could she? She thinks of this as a little bump in the road to her soon success as the best broadcaster the country has ever seen. It’s OA. But it’s how she sees it. Dream big.

“Hindi ka galit?” Sheena prods.

“No, Shee.”

“Yay!” Sheena hugs her. “Okay, we’ll help you get settled in. Alam na nila na darating ka today. This is Gwen by the way.”

The petite girl gives her half a smile. She’s not rude. Definitely not as rude as the lady in the front desk. But she’s also not warm.

“Ganyan lang talaga yan, hindi s’ya masyadong OA gaya natin. Pero masaya yan na nandito ka kasi matagal na kita kinekwento dito.” Sheena says, fussing over the kitchen to take out a bunch of frozen goods. “Kain muna tayo breakfast and then we’ll help you get your things there, and introduce you to the girls there also.”

“Girls?”

“Oo, si Aiah. Yung namention ko kanina na classmate ni Gwen sa class. And then, may isa pa kayong kasama.”

She hears Gwen snicker from the small bathroom across the kitchen. It makes Jho wonder, but she brushes it off as she sits on the counter watching Sheena fuss in the kitchen.

It wasn’t long until the other girl, Staku came out. Jho stares at the girl who just joined them. She’s wearing a simple cropped shirt that’s revealing too much of her belly and jogger pants. Jhoanna can’t help but to internally comment. She has a body that’s to die for, and that waist! Possessing that should be illegal. Actually, lahat naman sila. Even Sheena lost all her baby weight since coming into college. She’s grown and matured and her body changed into a lady as well.

“Aga mo naman, Stace.” Sheena comments.

“Hapon pa klase ko pero sino ba namang hindi magigising sa inyo.” The sleepy girl deadpans.

“Sorry.” Jho apologizes.

“Nasabi na ni Shee sayo?”

Jhoanna stays silent. S’ya lang yata talaga hindi sinabihan ni Sheena.

“Oks naman don. Si Aiah, angel yun.”

Okay, she’s heard enough about Aiah. She thinks all three of them are in unison with their perception of Aiah.

“How about yung isang girl?” Jhoanna asks, out of curiousity. Kasi parati nalang si Aiah yung binabati nila.

“You’ll see.” Stacey smirks, taking a bite of an apple.

“Ha?”

Transferring everything that she loaded in the airfryer to a tiny plate, Sheena butts in. “Okay naman yon! Wag kang makinig sa mga yan.”

Jhoanna tilts her head. “Why? Ano bang meron?”

Sheena continues to fuss over her, bringing out items from their fridge to feed Jhoanna. “Hindi, ano kasi ‘yon—busy kasi law student.”

Woah. Law student? Jhoanna thinks highly of those who has the guts to study the law. It’s not an easy profession. Plus, she’s seen Barboys. She knows, or has an idea at least how hard being a law student can be. All those sleepless nights.

Jhoanna understands, so she nods.

“Pero oks naman yon, si Col.”

Somehow, Sheena’s words comforted her. It shouldn’t be hard—makisama kay Aiah and Col. Plus Jhoanna knows she’s a good roommate. She may be an only child and has only ever shared a room with herself or her dog, but pfft. Should be easy.

The four of them proceeded with having a small breakfast—since hindi parin naman nga s’ya masyadong gutom. Nakinig lang s’ya as mga kwento ni Sheena at ni Stacey. Gwen doesn’t talk much but she adds stuff here and there. Jhoanna soon learned that Gwen is an interior design major from UP Manila, and Stacey studies tourism with Sheena in UST.

When she asked why Gwen is bunking with them, given that Sta. Mesa is a little far from Taft, the petite girl just gave her a shrug followed by a sheepish smile. “Eh, nandito si Shee eh.” The two girls exchanged a look, before Sheena changed the topic. 

The rest of the morning went on with just the girls getting to know Jho. What her major was and why she really wanted to go to Manila. They also find out that she’s a struggling radio broadcaster with a self-made podcast that’s never been put out there.

It wasn’t hard to open up to Gwen and Stacey, Jho thinks. It wasn’t long until they’re talking about Jhoanna’s artistic burnout and how she wanted to get over that with changing her environment. Soon enough, it was time for them to help Jho get settled in to the other unit since Gwen and Sheena soon need to prepare for classes.

They gather upfront and knock softly. Stacey had texted Aiah beforehand, asking if they’re ready to be introduced to Jho, to which the latter affirmed. They had been standing a while when an impatient Sheena twisted the door knob. Finding out that the door wasn’t locked, they proceeded inside.

“Aiah?” Stacey softly calls.

Carefully, they proceeded inside until a girl standing in front of a neon-lit mirror comes into their view. Jhoanna takes a peer at the girl. She’s pretty. Jhoanna isn’t blind not to tell.

Jhoanna stares at her from her reflection in the mirror. She was just fixing her hair, which was stuck in a nice and tight ponytail, making sure none of the strands stood out. She stood probably as tall as Jhoanna, with her baby blue dress shirt tucked under a small, black pencil skirt. She is also sporting a formidable look on her face, and it’s pretty hard to guess what she’s thinking about, if you’re going to ask Jhoanna.

It took her by surprise—the slight churning that she felt in her stomach. It’s bubbling weird because, well, kakakain lang naman nila. So she’s sure she isn’t hungry. But what is this feeling?

The four girls stood watching her and waiting until she notices them, which was only by time she was finished putting on her lip gloss. Nobody dared to say a word, not even flinch a muscle. Is this girl’s aura real?

The girl’s eyes met Jhoanna’s gaze, which made the latter girl swallow.

“Anong meron?” The girl’s low voice echoed.

“…Si Aiah?” Stacey manages.

“Wala. Umalis.” She plainly answers.

“Umm…nasabi ba n’ya na may bago kayong roommate?” Sheena asks.

“Nabanggit n’ya ata.” The girl grabs the comb, turning her attention back to her hair.

Silence.

“You can settle down sa kwarto.”

To Jho’s surprise the girl met her gaze again, noticing that her lips twitched a little. Was that half a smile?

 “Wag n’yo lang gagalawin yung gamit ko.”

Sheena makes a loud, happy sigh, breaking the tension. “Okay! Tara tulungan natin si Ate Jho.” She prodded happily to the only bedroom in the unit, the two girls Gwen and Stacey following suit.

Jhoanna felt uneasy, taking a look at the unit. It’s much like the other unit, the one where Sheena’s staying at, but it’s cleaner and more decorated. Definitely neater and much more organized. Jhoanna commends the yellow and teal accents in the decorations. Pagpasok, you can see how neat the kitchen is. No leftover dirty dishes, the glasses are neatly lined up. There are few indoor plants.

The couch is different from Sheena’s, though. This ones in yellow—duck yellow, the exact shade that Jho’s obsessed with, and it has a comfy duvet. Beside that couch is an old but polished turntable with a small collection of records. Whoever lives here must have loved music, because there’s also a classic Suzuki acoustic next to it.

“Akin din ‘yang mga ‘yan.” The girl comments. “Hands off ha?”

Jhoanna fights the urge to crumple her eyebrows. Hindi naman n’ya inaano, tinititignan nya lang naman. Bakit ba ang sungit netong babaeng ‘to? Maganda s’ya, oo. She’s definitely not hard on the eyes. Artistic, maganda yung taste sa interior design. Pero sobrang sungit. She could almost shiver from the cold look that the other girl is giving her.

She can only nod. “I’m Jhoanna.” She decently answers, despite the wanting of shakiness in her tone.

“Colet Vergara.” The girl replies, not bothering to look at Jhoanna.

Okay, Colet. S’ya si Col na nabanggit din ni Sheena kanina. Although Jhoanna wonders if sometime, she can call her that. But given the honest reactions from Stacey and Gwen earlier and the confirmation now, masungit ‘tong si Colet.

Jhoanna gives her an honest nod, fiddling with the strap of her duffle bag, which she forgot is still on her shoulder.

“Look.” Colet sighs. “Ang rules lang naman dito is ‘wag mong hawakan or pakielaman yung gamit ko. Hindi mo rin ako pwedeng kausapin kapag hindi kita kinakausap at lalong lalo na kapag nag-aaral ako.” She pauses. “Pinaka-lalo kapag natutulog ako, because my sleep is very important to me.”

“Oh..kay.”

“Nakuha mo?”

“Yes…” Jhoanna faintly answers.

“That does not sound very convincing. Nakuha mo ba or hindi?”

Some sort of warmth flushes across Jhoanna’s cheeks by Colet’s assertiveness. “…Nakuha ko!” She panics.

Colet’s eyes squint looking at Jhoanna from head to toe. “One more thing.” She closes her eyes before sighing. “There’s a contract. You need to sign the contract that’s co-terminus with our contract of lease here. Meaning, kung pumayag ka na titira ka na dito, hindi mo na kami pwedeng iwan nalang basta basta to look for a replacement. Masyado nang pinasakit yung ulo ko dun sa naunang umalis.”

Jhoanna pauses to think. Ah, okay. May nauna palang tenant at umalis lang kaya may opening sila.      

“Is that okay with you?” Colet asks in a manner that leaves Jhoanna no choice but to say yes.

“Yes.”

“Good.

Jhoanna shifts from the uneasiness, melting like ice under Colet’s glare. What’s with all this bitchiness? Grabe naman.

She should not let this affect her and her dreams. She can manage this. She’s an awesome roommate. Hindi naman din mahirap yung requests ni Colet. Stay off her things. Fine. But she needs her space as well, as she is also a co-lessee.

“Are you in a hurry.” Jho sheepishly asks. “I need to ask kasi kung saan ako pwede mag-set up ng work station? That’s all I need.”

Colet sarcastically looks around. “Saan mo ba gusto?”

Jho was tongue-tied.

“I don’t…know. Saan ba pwe--?”

“Sa banyo?”

What? Jhoanna blinks, trying to decipher if this girl is serious.

“Oh di ba ayaw mo? Wag mo na kong tanungin. Basta wag mo lang sasakupin yung mga areas ko. Kaya mo naman sigurong gawin yun.” Colet deadpans as she puts her books inside her bag.

Jhoanna wants to match this girl’s bitchiness, but she’s better than that. Breathe. She tries to understand, mahirap maging law student baka kaya s’ya ganyan.

“You know, what? I’ll go ahead and help them nalang. Good luck with wherever you are going.” Jhoanna smiles.

She left Colet to be on her own and joined the girls in unloading her stuff. Nagmamadali na rin sila kasi may mga pasok din. But taking a look at the bedroom, it is much like Sheena’s. At least yung format n’ya. There’s a double bed, which she’s guessing is Colet’s from how tidy and clean it is. It has beige blankets that matched with the pillow and bed case. Colet’s bed is pushed against the wall where the window is, and beside that is her work station probably. There are thick bound books of different colors.

Civil Code of the Philippines: Obligations and Contracts. Jhoanna tries to read one. Administrative Law by Gabato, the other one reads. These are legit law books. It’s the first time she’s seen them. Ang kakakapal. No wonder wala lagi sa mood si Colet.

Jhoanna’s internal monologue was interrupted by her own confusion.

The room is supposed to fit three people. If double bed is for Colet, and the single bed is occupied by Aiah…that means.

“Wait!” Jhoanna exclaims, interrupting the idle chat inside the room. “Saan ako matutulog??”

Before anyone could answer, they heard a call from the living area.

“Stakuuu!”

“Si Aiah.” Stacey mentions.

Aiah proceeded to the room, dragging another girl with her.

Jhoanna’s attention shifts from worrying where she’s going to sleep to the new intruders. She studies the two girls who just joined them.

Aiah looks as angelic as the girls mentioned her to be. She has kind eyes, and her face looks like it’s smiling no matter what emotion she is feeling. She has long, flowing hair and it reminds Jhoanna of something.

The girl she’s dragging behind her, on the other hand, looks sweet. She has red hair, which kinda matches Gwen’s shade a little. Except, hers is long and straight. She’s wearing a black tank top that really made her pale skin color pop, and sage green sixed-pocket pants.

Jhoanna quickly glances at their intertwined fingers, not too long to be disrespectful but enough to know. Mag-jowa ‘to.

What a good-looking couple. Jhoanna adds.

“Sorry we’re laaate! Eto kasing si Miks, nag-insist pa that we have pancakes sa Mcdo sa baba.”

Colet rolls her eyes. “Umuwi ka pa, akala ko taga-Taft ka na?”

Aiah and Mikha make a beeline towards Jhoanna and the girls. “Hi, ignore Colet. I do.” She lets go of Mikha’s hand to engulf Jhoanna in a tight hug. “Jhoanna, right?” Aiah beams at her, and Jho tries not to wince at her bright and quirkiness. “Heard a lot of good things from Sheena.”

Jhoanna exhales and matches Aiah’s smile. It’s nice to have some warmth in here. Parang may pending thunderstorm kasi sa may living room, Colet ang pangalan.

“I’m Aiah.” The girl chuckles, before turning to her side. “And this…is Mikha.” She smirks. “My girlfriend.”

Knew it.

“Hello!” Jhoanna beams. “I need help.” She cries out.

Aiah laughs, assuming what Jhoanna’s dilemma is. “It’s okay, I know. You can have this tiny bed. Ako na tatabi kay Col.”

“That’s if nandito ka, which 100% of the time isn’t the cas—!” The girls heard faintly from the living area.

Aiah closed the door in a swoosh to silence the fuming brunette. “It’s okay. But you can have my bed, Jhoanna. What do you prefer we call you? Jhoanna just seems a mouthful.”

“Ate Jho nalang.” Sheena suggests from where she’s semi-cuddling Gwen on the small bed, albeit knowing Aiah is the oldest amongst them.

“Jho, you can have this bed.” Aiah repeats. “Also, quick orientation lang. The reason why I went here personally is to tell you not—never to touch Col’s things. You can go anywhere else in the unit, touch whatever. But stay out of her little shrine in the living area…” Aiah narrates, referring to the guitar and turntable at the sala, “…and her work area here. Because even if she’s not here, did not witness personally yung pangingielam ng gamit nya, she’ll know.”

Jhoanna nods. “I got it. She made it pretty clear kanina din.”

Aiah gives her a small smile. “Although generous and caring yan si Col—in her own way. You’ll see, she’ll grow on you.”

Jhoanna returns Aiah’s small smile, not knowing it’ll ever be true. She hopes Colet will be nicer to her.

“And…” Aiah laughs, looking at Mikha. “…it’s weird. If that does not happen, then I’m hoping it’s the other way around. You’ll grow on her. I think Sheena forgot to mention how much you resemble Chie Filomeno.”

At once, the bedroom door swung open, to the girls’ surprise.

“Nalimutan ko yung favorite pen ko.” Colet manages, in half-assed excuse. She’d been eavesdropping.

Mikha rolls her eyes. “Of course you did.” She teases.

Awkwardly, Colet cuts in front of the girls, making a beeline towards her desk to get her non-smudge fountain pain, allowing Jhoanna to take a whiff of the girl’s perfume.

Bango, pucha. Santal 33, Jhoanna recognizes.  

Getting a hold of her favorite pen, Colet focuses on Mikha. “Ano? Mahahatid mo ba ko?”

Mikha smirks, noting the uneasiness in her friend’s demeanor. Her girlfriend is right, Jho looks like Colet’s silly girl crush. If she focused enough, she could tell Colet’s nervous as well. “Maaga pa naman, Col.” Mikha comments, placing an arm around Aiah’s shoulder. “Hangout with us muna.”

The teasing in Mikha’s tone is not unnoticeable. Alam ni Colet na inaasar s’ya nito, hell, even Aiah knows.

“I’m on deck sa recit today, I can’t be late.”

The redhaired girl clucks her tongue, surrendering. “Fine. Kadarating lang namin eh. But okay.” She turns to her girlfriend. “You okay to hang out here, bub?”

Jhoanna smiles at the nickname Mikha used. Aiah nods.

“Okay, will pick you up later after my class. ‘La ka namang class today, right?” Mikha asks and Aiah confirms again. “Alright, let’s go anger.”

The two exchanged a quick peck on the lips, before the girls teased. “SANAOOOOL!” Sheena exclaims. She laughs when Gwen pouted her lips in an attempt to kiss her.

“Bebe stop!” She exclaims before pushing her.

Colet rolls her eyes and struts in front of them, making her way to the living area to put her shoes on.

“Mga bading.” She mutters.

The rest of the afternoon went by with just Aiah and Jhoanna hanging out in the living area. Gwen, Stacey and Sheena had their respective classes to attend to so it’s just the two of them.

 They resigned to eating chips on the floor of the sala since they didn’t wanna get the couch dirty. Jho had asked Aiah details about her relationship with Mikha and the older girl happily obliged. Jhoanna found out that they met through Bumble, which is odd na may nagkakatuluyan pala ‘don sa app na yon; and that it’s a fairly new relationship, 10 months to be exact.

They had been talking a while, so Jhoanna felt like it’s okay to ask. Aiah is nice and she feels like she’s comfortable with her sexuality enough to discuss.

“Pwede magtanong?” Jhoanna asks, shoving a mouthful of chips in her mouth.

“Libre lang?” Aiah jokes, laughing as she focuses on Jho’s question with the muted sound of the cartoon playing from the TV.

“Ako na nga gumastos dito sa chips….” Jhoanna pouts.

Aiah laughs again, licking her fingers. “Go.”

“Kailan mo nalaman?” Jho raises her eyebrows, implying something.

Aiah tilts her head. “Na maganda ko? Dati pa.”

Jhoanna throws her head back as she laughed. Aiah is effortlessly funny.

“Na ano ba? Na nakakaputi ng kili-kili ang calamansi?”

“Ate Aiah!”

Aiah tries to settle down and answer the younger girl’s question seriously. “Well, bata pa lang ako. And it’s not like, something that I realized growing. It’s just something that I’ve known ever since.”

Jhoanna nods.

Aiah smiles. “I mean, I’ve been with guys in the past. Okay naman, it’s just your typical hetero bullshit.” She laughs a bit, recalling her memories. “But with Mikha, things are just easier. I don’t have to pretend I’m someone I’m not. I do not have to impress her a lot, I just have to be myself. She’s my first girlfriend, if you’re also curious.”

“So are you like—how would you identify yourself?”

“Bi, I guess? Or pan? I don’t know. I’m just someone who loves a girl named Mikha.” Aiah tries to idly look at the cartoons playing on screen, but she knows her attention is with their conversation. “How about you?”

“Ako?”

“Hinde, si Donald Duck.”

Jhoanna throws her head back again, gasping for air as she laughs.

“Di ko pa naiisip, Ate.” She says, shoving another mouthful of potato chips into her mouth. “Marami pa kong pangarap sa life.”

Aiah looks at her with her kind eyes, “Lah! Para mo namang sinabing wala akong pangarap sa buhay.”

Jhoanna hits her arm lightly, “Hinde!”

“Pwede ka namang mangarap ng may jowa ka, or like inspiration lang ganon.” Aiah teases, poking back at Jhoanna’s side. The younger girl laughs and tries to escape, pushing the older girl back. “Wala? Kahit crush lang?”

“Ate Aiah! Maghugas ka muna ng kamay mo! Andumi na ng damit ko.” Jhoanna complains, all while rising from her seat and trying to get back at the older girl.

It wasn’t long until the girls are in a tickle game, laughing loud and pushing each other. They were interrupted at the sound of the condo door closing. It wasn’t long until an irritable Colet is marching towards the direction of the bedroom.

“Yung couch ko kapag nadumihan nyo, ipa-dry cleaning n’yo yan ha. Harutan kayo ng harutan.” Colet mutters before closing the bedroom door.

I guess she’s back. Jhoanna thinks.

“Hi bubby!” Aiah gets away from her grasp and rushed towards Mikha, who just threw her car keys on top of the kitchen counter. “Tabi mo yan, ‘pag nakita ni Col ‘yan.”

Mikha smiles, enveloping her girlfriend into a tight hug. “Hi.”

Jhoanna feels awkward. She hopes she didn’t cross boundaries with Aiah that would make Mikha mad. It was not her intention.

“Hi, Jho.” The redhaired girl greets.

“Hi, Mikha!” An internal sigh of relief.

“Ooh, what are you guys watching?” Mikha asks.

“Wala, I don’t know.” Aiah answers for Jho, reaching for Mikha’s hand and placing it on her waist. “How was school? Buti nagkasabay kayo ulit ni Col?”

“Well, yeah. Along the way naman PUP to here, and maaga daw sila dinismiss so yeah.”

Ah so from PUP pala si Colet.

“Tara na ba?” Aiah asks Mikha.

Jhoanna watches them and feels a slight pang of sadness na aalis na sila to back to Taft, to Mikha’s condo in Benilde. She hopes na they could still hangout. Ang awkward maiwan mag-isa kasama si Colet, and wala pa sila Sheena from school.

“Di ba natin bibigyan ng welcome party si Jho?” Mikha suggests, which made Jho light up.

Aiah gives Mikha a look, implying that she knows what the other girl is doing. Mikha gives her girlfriend a convincing smile, so Aiah gives in. She laughs nervously though. “Aral ata si Colet tonight, bub. We can’t be noisy here.”

“Sama natin s’ya.” Mikha jokingly says.

Aiah nudges her a bit. “Wag mong i-BI si Col, masipag na studyante yan.”

“Down yan si Col.” Mikha insists. “Oks daw recit nya kanina. Then online daw sila tomorrow, so she has time.” She squeezes her girlfriend. “Nabanggit ko na kanina ‘to. G naman ata. How about you, Jho? G ka?”

“Saan?”

Aiah laughs. “Inom. Dito lang sa condo.”

Jhoanna doesn’t drink much. She spent most of her time back in highschool and college trying to finish highschool and college. Although this isn’t her first time, she’s attended parties with alcohol before. But she can say she’s a lightweight. Mabilis malasing. So, she’s hesitant. Plus, it’s a Monday night. Who plans a party on a Monday?

“Come on, you don’t have plans tomorrow right?”

Jhoanna doesn’t answer. She knows na kailangan n’yang makisama. Also, it’s very uncool of her to say no? Who does she think she is? Bagong salta s’ya dito sa Manila, so she has to go by their ways.

“G.”

Mikha mainly is the one paying for the alcohol. Given Jho’s limited allowance, she’s saving up for more important things. It’s cool that Mikha insisted on paying, since this is her idea after all. Plus, she heard Mikha’s family is rich. Well, tunog pa lang ng name n’ya expensive na. Mikha Lim.

Jhoanna stayed behind, habang yung mag-jowa yung bumaba sa 711 to cop the drinks. She plans on changing into denim shorts and a printed cropped tee to get comfy for their little inuman session. Tinext n’ya na rin sina Sheena to invite them. Aiah says it’s cool.

She knocks on the bedroom door, just to make sure she doesn’t catch Colet in a compromising position. She proceeded inside nung wala namang sumagot.

She found Colet seated on her work station, reading one of the books that Jho saw earlier. Jhoanna studies the expression on the girl’s face once more. She notices that she’s prettier stripped down like this. Don’t get her wrong. Colet looked breathtakingly powerful in her formal wear, but something about an oversized Charlotte folk sweater and denim shorts screams, for a lack of better word, adorable as fuck.

Jhoanna fights a smile as she remembered what Mikha called Colet earlier. Anger. She recognizes that little character from one of Jhoanna’s favorite animated movies. Sobrang bagay.

She walks slowly to where her closet is. Hindi pa s’ya fully settled down kaya medyo magulo pa, but they’ve managed to sort out most of her clothes.

Finding the shirt that she wanted to wear, Jhoanna lets out a small shriek of joy. She stopped right away, looking back at Colet to see if she’s angered the girl. No reaction. Jhoanna sighs in relief.

Hindi naman lumilingon si Colet so she decided to change right there. She stripped off her current shirt and got into the fresh t-shirt. Her excitement must have gotten to her because she’s already stripping her bottoms kahit hindi n’ya pa nahahanap yung shorts n’ya.

Panic rushes into her, as she curses under her breath, opening and closing closets to find where the girls put all of her shorts.

Soon enough, Colet’s had enough of the fussing behind her. It’s distracted her from memorizing the assigned cases for tomorrow. “Ano ba yan?!” She whispers irritably, turning her swivel chair around to face Jhoanna.

Her expression changed in a split second. Irritation suddenly changed into awkwardness and embarrassment when she realized the girl is merely in her underwear—turned around anxiously hopping in front of the closet trying to find where her bottoms are.

Warm blood rushes across Colet’s cheeks, as she faces forward. Jhoanna hasn’t noticed her glancing, so she slowly turns around again, discreetly staring at the younger girl’s long, skinny legs. 

It’s illegal—what she’s doing. She should be jailed—reclusion perpetua. But then again, for violation of what law? What provision? It feels illegal, at least. Malum in se.

Colet smirks, burying her head into her book. Silently laughing at her application what she learned in Criminal Law I. Her prosecutor professor should be proud of her.

She waits until it sounds like Jhoanna’s settled into her clothes, before turning around to face her. Which is an idiot move—she doesn’t have anything to say. She wanted to apologize for looking, but she’s not going to. This secret’s going with her to her grave.

“Umm…inom daw?” Jhoanna mutters, feeling awkward and seeing an opening to talk to the girl.

Colet has to give it to this girl. She has good taste in clothing.

“Pass.” She answers, before turning her swivel chair around again.

Jhoanna doesn’t insist anymore, resigning back to the living area para salubungin si Aiah at Mikha. She gently closes the door to leave Colet to her studying.

And Colet? She gives herself a mental slap in the head. She cannot lose focus again.

She didn't want to judge a book by its cover. But this cover…was currently very appealing. One, she had really great taste in clothes. Colet recognizes the shirt from one of the stalls in Fruit of the Loom. She found it hard to tear her eyes away from the small waist that was peeking out under the top.

Two, those denim shorts. It is disrespectful but those shorts hug her creamy legs so fittingly.

Three, those cute, thick glasses. It’s like her heart was taken out of her chest and is being squeezed every every time she looked at her. Frowning at the open drawer of her closet, Colet had a sinking feeling that she and this Jhoanna were going to clash.

Chapter Text

Colet blinks, trying to flush down the impending dizziness from taking a swig at her red cup. How Mikha and Aiah managed to convince her to join their little inuman session on the floor, she doesn’t know. Probably because the two promised that she’ll only have three bottles of Smirnoff Mule. It’s been a while since she drank alcohol and her tolerance has naturally decreased. And she’s finding it a little too hard to believe she’s a little giddy after 2.5 bottles only.

“Bitin ka jan.” Aiah comments, slightly chuckling at Colet’s surprised expression.

Colet has partly muted everyone. She could hear Sheena laughing at Stacey and Gwen’s impression of one another. She sees Mikha’s flirtatious and seductive whispers over Aiah’s ear. And she could hear the early 2000s R&B playing in the background. But truthfully, everything’s a little flatlined to her.

She does not particularly hate parties but she does not like them either. Minsan lang siguro, when she’s in the mood to socialize. Pouring the contents of her supposedly last bottle for the evening into her red solo cup, she wonders why she agreed to have this small party at all.  Entering law school has changed her significantly. All she could think about right now are the pages that remain unread, case laws that are unmemorized and her towering anxiety for tomorrow’s class.

She swallows, “CR lang ako.” She stands up. Nangangalay narin kasi s’ya from sitting on the floor. She’s a little buzzed, she isn’t going to lie. That’s why she barely heard Aiah when the girl said, “Nasa CR pa si J—”

Colet persists. She put one foot in front of the other and next she knew she was reaching for the doorknob to the bathroom across the kitchen. She leaned forward heavily but her grip slipped when the door opened at once. Toppling over, Colet’s eyes widen. One after the other, her senses come back.

She’s leaning over something. Someone.

First sense to come back is smell. Bango. Amoy vanilla ice cream. The smell isn’t too sweet but it’s enough to remind her of home…sort of.

Touch. Small frame, yet comfortable, and strong. Whatever it is that she’s hugging is holding almost her entire weight.

Sight. Colet slowly lifts her head up. Thick glasses, pointy nose, kind eyes and a small freckle above the lip.

“Uy.” Hearing. “Okay ka pa ba?”

Colet scrambles, standing up on her own two feet quickly. Panic invades her system. She hates this. Colet is a lot of things, but awkward at interaction isn’t one of it. She likes to think she’s assertive enough—dominating enough for people to respect her. The analogy is that, if people were to ask her if she’s a small spoon or a big spoon, she can proudly say she’s a knife. This knife right now, however, is at a loss for words. She’s also most definitely not careless, but here she is.

“Ano? Magtititigan na lang ba? Gagamit ako.” She tries.

“Sorry…sorry.” Jhoanna pushes past her and rejoins the small party, leaving Colet inside the small bathroom.

Colet hears the girls chant faintly before closing the door behind her. She opens the faucet to wet her hands before rubbing them to her face. Grabbing the paper towels, she curses. Shit.

What loser gets buzzed with two and a half bottles of mule? She knows she needs to get a grip.

Colet sighs, thinking about what happened earlier with that Jhoanna. Randomly, she remembers what Aiah had commented earlier in the day. Kamuka daw ni Miss Chie? She scoffs audibly. Parang di naman. But she has to give it to the girl, she is not hard on the eyes.

Shaking her head, she tries to focus. Law school, taking the bar exam, becoming a lawyer. ‘Yan lang dapat ang nasa isip n’ya ngayon. She’s lost focus in the past, and she’s not gonna let it happen again. It took so much for her to move on and get back on track. She owes it to herself, to the young Colet who’s only ever dreamed of entering law school, to be great at it and excel.

She gives herself one last point in the mirror before exiting. Umayos ka.

There was a collective “WOO!” when Colet rejoined the circle. Somehow, the atmosphere had become remarkably drunker, so much more than when she left to go to the bathroom.

“Finally! Akala ko nakatulog ka na naman sa banyo.” Mikha comments laughing.

Colet shoots daggers in her direction. “Shut up, Mikha.”

Aiah giggles, supporting her girlfriend’s teasing. “Di na uulitin ni Col ulit ‘yon. Di ba, Col?”

The point of discussion seemed to interest the new girl, and Colet notices Jhoanna joining in the teasing, which she did not like one bit. “Ha? Kwento n’yo naman.”

Colet redirected her glare to Jhoanna. “Ano bang pake mo?” She said, a little too hostile, apparently because she saw the sudden sadness in the girl’s eyes. She regretted it immediately, but turned her attention to the couple who initiated teasing. “Syempre kwento n’yo yan eh. Lasing na lasing ako jan.” That earned a tipsy giggle from Jhoanna. “Alam nyo, mag-momol nalang kayong dalawa ulit. Mas gusto ko na kayo nang di n’yo nalang ako pinapansin.”

“Hindee! Ikwento n’yo na!” Stacey jeered. And the girls followed suit.

Colet rolls her eyes. She surrenders, guessing that enduring this is the only way to get through it.

Aiah hesitates for a bit, but continues when she was cornered by the shouting. “Wala lang yon! Na-invite si Colet sa isang sorority party ata, nung first year s’ya. Inuwi s’ya dito, eh wala rin ako nung gabi. I came home in the morning, nakita ko s’ya sa floor ng CR. Tapos may onti s’ya suka dito.” Aiah narrates, pointing to the side of her lip.

“Hala kawawa naman.” Jhoanna adds pouting her lip, looking at Colet, to the latter’s surprise. She thought after her little hostile act, hindi na s’ya papansinin nito.

“AWW!” All the girls—except for Gwen—say.

Colet shakes her head, sinking to the floor to return to her previous seat beside Aiah and across Jhoanna and Sheena. She doesn’t comment anymore. She wants to glare at them but she honestly felt awful that time. It was nice to get some sympathy, kahit na joke lang. But she’ll never say that out loud.

“Pero totoo ba??” Sheena asks, referring to Mikha and Aiah. “Nag-momomol kayo?”

The teasing shifts from Colet to the only couple in the room. “Malamang!” Mikha proudly answers. Judging from the redhaired girl’s actions, Colet could tell that Mikha is also a buzzed, maybe a little more than the other girls. She isn’t sure how many bottles they’ve consumed, but the box that they bought looks a little empty already.

“Ewww!” Sheena teases, covering her mouth. “Oh my gosh, paano.”

“You really wanna know how?” Mikha taunts.

And by some unspoken thing everyone looked at Gwen—who’s been drinking also. Gwen confidently delivers a wink towards Sheena’s direction, which earned another collective squeal from the girls.

“Hoy Sheena Mae!” Jhoanna partly stands up, giving the youngest girl a playful shove. “Bata ka pa, tigilan mo ha!”

Sheena squeals again. “Nooo! Di ko nga maimagine, Ate Tin.”

Tin? Whos’ tin? Colet wonders if it’s some childhood nickname. Ang cute. She conceals a giggle.

“Ano ba yan!” Stacey crosses her arms. “Seventh wheel ata ako dito. Uuwi na ko.” She teases. Gwen grabbed her by the arm before she could stand up.

It took a second for Colet to realize what she was implying.

“Wag na kayo mang-asar, guys.” Jhoanna mediates, motioning for everyone to settle down. Suddenly, she meets Colet’s eyes—not surprised that the girl is looking at her too. Pausing for a moment, Jhoanna’s gaze intensifies, and it’s like she’s staring at Colet’s soul, “Baka mausog.” Jhoanna adds, never breaking eye contact with Colet. She suddenly breaks into a smile.

Colet wonders if it’s just the alcohol or this Jhoanna has rizz. She’s never felt more uneasy under someone’s stare. Grabe, ang pa-fall.

Mikha laughs first, then everyone followed. Sheena partly stands up, giving Jhoanna a high five. Aiah reaches across to give the girl a light shove. It’s all fun and games—all this harmless flirting. Wala lang talaga sanang ma-ffall. No. Never.

Can she play this game as well? She asks herself. It’s too risky, so she shuts up and gives the other girl a small smirk.

“Woy! Smile yon!” Jhoanna exclaims pointing a firm index finger towards her face, the other girls’ attention reverts back to Colet. “Nag-smile ka?”

Confused, Colet furrows her eyebrows. Too late—the girls already saw her small smile.

“Oh bayad kayo!” She puts out her hands, the other girls groaning.

“Hindi naman yon! Hindi pasok yun.” Stacey contests. “Dapat malaking smile!”

Colet internally nods. Pinagpustahan pala s’ya ng mga piskit na ‘to. Probably when she was taking too long in the bathroom. The tiniest bit of pang stings in her chest. Pinagpustahan lang pala.

Feeling like everyone is working against her, Jhoanna fights back and reasons out. “Totoong nag-smile s’ya!”

It wasn’t long until Aiah and Mikha were joining in the shout fest.

“Alam n’yo marereport tayo ng ibang mga homeowners dito, ang iingay ng mga bunganga n’yo.” Colet says, extending her legs and leaning back. “Magsitahimik nga kayo.”

In an attempt to settle down, the girls sat back—but they were still bickering.

“SHH!” Mikha interrupts, before taking a swig of her cup. “I’ve seen this one nang kinikilig. And that was not it. You have to dance.”

Ah dare.

Jhoanna angrily, pushes her hair back. But stands nevertheless due to her drunken state.

The girl struggles to get up. Nadagdagan narin siguro ng ngalay from sitting on the floor for hours. She giggles still, as she shakes her knuckles as if she’s preparing to get into a fight. Mikha smirks, “Readyng-ready ha.”

Aiah reaches for her phone, kasi s’ya yung may access sa Bluetooth speaker. Mikha takes another swig at her cup before she leaned forward to whisper something over Aiah’s ear. Stacey takes out her phone as well, pointing the camera at Jhoanna’s direction. Colet notices the two other girls are engaged in idle discussion.

Aiah’s face light up, as if a literal light bulb appeared on top of her head. She giggles silently as Mikha nods. The redhaired girl was the one who clicked the play button, smiling evilly.

Then, the intro to a familiar song started playing. Colet recognizes the song, of course—birthday sex by Jeremih. She had learned the dance steps to this song before, back when it was famous. She takes a sharp inhale, looking over Jhoanna’s direction.

“Talaga ba??” Jhoanna protests, her mouth gaping from feigning shock. Her face betrays her soon though. She’s now sporting a smug smile. “Akin na nga.” She reaches for her cup.

Colet releases the breath that she’s holding. She doubts if Jhoanna can do it. However, her doubting soon changes into amusement, as Jhoanna finished the rest of her cup—which Colet is sure, was still seventy five percent full. She holds another breath, silently hoping that Jhoanna won’t do it.

Soon enough the song reached its pre-chorus.

Get ready for action, don't be astounded

We switching positions, you feel surrounded

Jhoanna throws her empty red solo cup somewhere and the girls cheered on. Even Sheena and Gwen’s attention was drawn to her. Then, she is starting to act like she’s cracking her neck, preparing for battle.

Tell me where you want your gift, girl

The girl sways her head forward and then back, her hips started to sway into the music. Colet had to hold back a gasp. She swallows so it isn’t too obvious she is internally salivating. Boy, that body can move. Colet internally comments.

Girl, you know I-I-I, girl, you know I-I-I

I've been fiendin', wake up in the late-night dreamin' about your lovin'

Jhoanna continues with the steps, this time looking directly at Colet. She puts out her hands, beckoning to come forward. Colet squirms a little at the younger girl’s piercing gaze.

Girl, you know I-I-I, girl, you know I-I-I

She knows this song all too well, and she’s seen it performed multiple times already online. But there’s something so alluring and hypnotizing about Jhoanna’s movements. And she finds it hard not to stand up and be near her, be in her presence, get close to her. Experience her, personally.

Eventually, the chorus comes to a stop and Jhoanna takes curtsy—a bow to thank her supporters who are all cheering her on. Colet swallows, in an effort to help the dryness that’s built up in her throat. The girl was merely wearing a simple tee and jean shorts, but Colet thinks it’s one of the hottest things she’s even seen in her life.

She downs her cup in one go.

Bitin nga—yung alak.

Hindi naging madali, but Colet was able to push down what happened during that dancing fiasco. At least for now. The animated discussion by the girls of different relevant issues helped distract her. And she thinks she’s doing a decent job hiding her fascination and amusement. She steals glances every now and then but nothing that would make other people suspect.

Kay Mikha s’ya pinakanag-iingat. Kilala s’ya nito, and she suspects the redhaired girl is already playing this game. Tapos kinukunsinte pa ni Aiah.

Colet tries to push it down once more, this feeling of…attraction—? Amusement? She tries to conceal it by thinking that this is happening only because her friends are controlling it. She anxiously looks over the time on her phone. 1:32am

Wala narin namang alak. Nagkukwentuhan nalang sila. Colet knows she has to be the one to send all these girls home. Well, Stacey, Gwen and Sheena lang. Hindi n’ya narin naman papayagan umuwi pa sa Taft sina Mikha.

She tries to study the girls. Si Gwen mukhang okay pa, at gusto narin mamahinga. She gives the girl a small nod, implying a go signal.

“Oh—kay! May klase parin ako bukas.” Gwen stretches, slowly getting off the floor. “Shee, tara na?” She asks, extending a hand to Sheena, which the younger girl took.

“Ay, ano ba yan?!” Mikha protests. Colet gives Aiah a look

Wag na kayong umuwi. She mouths to Aiah, to which the girl nodded.

“Doon nalang kami sa bed ko, kasya na kami don.” Aiah volunteers.

“Ha? What, bub?! Umuwi tayo…” Mikha slurs, getting up and walking rapidly towards where she tossed her car key earlier. Colet was faster though, she collected the car key on the counter before the redhaired girl got it.

Pouting, Mikha groans.

“Kung sa tingin mo papayagan ko pa kayong umuwi ni Aiah nang ganyan, nababaliw ka na ata.” Colet firmly asserts.

Aiah tries to lift Mikha from where she’s perched on the counter, asking help from Colet.

Colet immediately obliges, turning her attention to Gwen and Sheena on the way to exit their unit. “Hintayin mo ko. Tulungan kita mamaya kay Stacey.” She tells the shorthaired girl.

She throws Mikha’s arm over her shoulder, helping Aiah prop her girlfriend over her shoulders as well. She gives an almost passed out Mikha a scoff. “Wala ka pala eh.”

Mikha mumbled a witty banter, which Colet did not quite catch. Lasing na lasing si tanga. Colet smirks.

They walk slowly towards the bedroom. Reaching the single bed, they laid Mikha over, hitting the mattress face first with a giggle.

“Sige na, Col.” Aiah initiates, giving Colet a gentle nudge. “Ako na bahala dito. Help mo nalang si Staku.”

Colet nods, proceeding immediately outside the room to fetch Stacey, who is on the floor singing a familiar Disney tune with Jhoanna. The two girls slurred, their lyrics blurry and Colet could barely make out the song. She shakes her head, manifesting her dismay and in an effort to try and shake her own drunkness away as well.

Gwen enters the room just in time so they could pull Stacey from the floor and separate the two drunktards. Colet thought it would be a wrestle and she could only shake her head in disbelief at Gwen’s show of strength when the skinny girl lifted Stacey up and propped the girl on the shoulder like a freaking tote bag.

She wonders if this is the first time the girl has done this. Probably not.

“I got this.” The shorthaired girl gives Colet a sheepish grin, before marching to the doorway. Colet tries not to gawk, as she slowly followed behind to close and lock their unit’s door.

She scratches her head in annoyance, looking at the mess in the living area—the actual mess, not the very drunk girl currently passed out on the floor. Pero oo din.

She debates if she should just let Jhoanna sleep on the floor.

Folding her arms on her chest, she steps closer to the girl. “Mukhang komportable ka naman?” She audibly says. She takes another long look at the slender legs sprawled across the floor and this time she lets the look linger. Inch by inch, her eyes start to move upwards, tracing the girl’s silhouette and marveling on the slight peak of flat tummy under the shirt. Her eyes then travel to the girl’s slender arms, and then shoulder, the lightly showing collar bone.

She feels warm—her aura and overall energy. It’s radiating and it’s affecting Colet to the point na hindi nito nalalamang nakangiti na s’ya.

Colet clears her throat. Nawawala angas n’ya.

She tries to shake it off again, focusing on what she needs to do. It feels weird—having this sort of fascination towards someone she just met—and then suddenly having the opportunity to touch them. Colet scrambles not knowing what to do. Kneeling down, she reaches for the girl’s head, propping it on her lap. Once she got the head up, it was easy to grab the girl’s frame. Unsurprisingly, magaan lang din si Jhoanna.

She doesn’t know how she managed to stand them up but she did. And she could tell Jhoanna wasn’t completely passed out—just too drunk to be one hundred percent conscious.

Like the other girls, Jhoanna was also mumbling something. Colet gently shushes the girl, as they proceeded inside the bedroom. Just as she thought, passed out na rin yung mag-jowa. AC was turned on—probably by Aiah, and her faint night light was on. And Colet could feel the sudden change in temperature.

She firmly holds on to Jhoanna’s waist as they get closer to Colet’s double bed. It’s been a while since she let someone else sleep here with her. Nervous at the thought, Colet pushes it down and focused on laying Jhoanna safely on the bed.

Jhoanna falls on the bed in a soft thud, Colet trying to maneuver the girl so she’s comfortable. She reaches for the girl’s glasses and places them on top of her work desk. She didn’t think someone else would be sleeping here again. And as that possibility becomes closer to reality, Colet internally slaps her head. Umayos ka.

She pushes the Jhoanna until the girl is laying on the side of the bed pushed against the wall. Inayos n’ya rin yung duvet, gently getting Jhoanna under the covers. She knows na magiging masyadong malamig mamaya para sa suot nito.

Colet takes a loud sigh, sitting at the corner of the bed. She looks back to Jhoanna’s sleeping form. Okay lang naman siguro? She contemplates, as she tries to blink away the exhaustion that she’s feeling in her own bones. Puyat din kasi s’ya kagabi from studying, and in all honesty tinamaan s’ya talaga.

Ng alak—tinamaan s’ya ng alak.

She looks at the comfortable empty space beside the younger girl. It looks so inviting and tempting.

With hooded eyes, Colet succumbs to it, propping her head on the pillow.

Ah.

Andaming nangyari sa buong maghapon, Colet thinks. Pero kahit na ramdam na nito ang pagod at puyat ay hindi n’ya maiwasang lumingon sa katabi n’ya. It was safe to say that Colet was hooked. She rubs her hands on her face.

That. Fucking. Dance.

Ayaw maalis sa isip n’ya. The way the girl confidently swayed her hips, taunted and flirted with Colet.

She takes another loud sigh—a sound close to a groan. She didn’t mean to but the act managed to stir Jhoanna into her direction. Colet covers her mouth, and tries to adjust. And she doesn’t know how it happened but Jhoanna managed to sprawl her limbs across the bed so it looked like she is awkwardly cuddling her.

Colet fights every urge in her body to fall into the embrace—to reach over and wrap her arms around the girl as well. Lasing yan, Colet. Lasing lang yan. She stiffens up and panics. It’s not a new feeling—to be held like this. But it’s definitely been a while since someone got close to her like this. She adjusts into the feeling as she’s fallen into another gaze fest, this time focusing on the girl’s facial features that are very much also quite literally in her face.

Could she let her guard down again?

Colet’s singles down on the small birth mark above Jhoanna’s upper lip, fixating over it for a while before letting her gaze fall on—no. Stop. She detangles from Jhoanna and silently made her way out of the room. Pacing back and forth, she hits her head softly.

The familiar feeling of swimming and being underwater for a while and catching her first breath—she’s been here before. This is bad. Kahit anong angle n’ya tignan—it doesn’t look nice. She’s only met this girl today and somehow, she cannot get her out of her head.

Biting her lip, Colet pauses and internalizes how she can calm herself down. She proceeds to where her school bag is, taking out some of her books.

She sits on her favorite couch, and squirms, flipping over the pages of the assigned topics for recitation tomorrow. She’s got it bad.

Jhoanna finds herself uttering a soft prayer the next day—bargaining with whoever is up there to make it stop. Lord, pagalingin n’yo lang po ako ngayon, hindi na ko ulit iinom.

Groaning loudly, she reaches for the covers to throw it over her head. Whoever turned on the light disturbed her peaceful resting and so she stirs. It was a little while before her consciousness come back. With her eyes still closed, memories of what happened last night slowly enter her head.

She knows she drank a lot of mule, which probably explains the bitterness that she tastes in her mouth. She tries to make it better by swallowing but she was met by dryness. Right, dehydrated—which probably explains the throbbing headache as well. Dahil matigas ang ulo n’ya, she thought she could still go back to sleep, so tries to be comfy again, cuddling up to the soft pillow she’d been hugging since last night.

Realization hit.

Her eyes open wide, taking a sharp inhale. She didn’t fall asleep on someone else’s bed last night, did she? The familiar scent betrays her. Santal 33—with a little hint of flowery coconut shampoo.

Realization now hammers her.

Someone did not turn on the light kasi umaga na. And she wasn’t cuddling up to a soft pillow since last night, she’s snuggling with her new roommate—who’s smelling pretty good actually.

Her muscles tense up. Fuck. She doesn’t cuss but she thinks this situation is worth it.

Jhoanna pulls her arm back oh so slowly. Fuck. Fuck Fuck. What the fuck. She recalls the girl’s words to her yesterday.

“ Ang rules lang naman dito is ‘wag mong hawakan or pakielaman yung gamit ko. Hindi mo rin ako pwedeng kausapin kapag hindi kita kinakausap at lalong lalo na kapag nag-aaral ako. Pinaka-lalo kapag natutulog ako, because my sleep is very important to me.”

It’s like she’s doing the walk of shame inside the lion’s den. She doesn’t care if takes her all day, but she’s going to take her time. Never mind the throbbing pain on her head—mas mahirap mapagalitan ni anger.

She manages to get out of the bed in one piece. Wincing and putting two fingers up to her temples, she tiptoes outside the room to fetch herself a glass of water. She passes by Aiah and Mikha, who are still out cold and lightly snoring on the cramped single bed, and closes the door behind her silently.

Jhoanna takes a sigh of relief. That was a close call. She walks to fridge and pours herself a glass of cold water. Propping herself on a bar stool, she stares into the void, trying to piece together how she ended up in Colet’s bed, cuddling her.

Was she that drunk last night?

Probably.

The last thing she remembered was downing an entire cup of mule before dancing in front of the girls for losing over Mikha’s dare. Fuck. That happened as well.

She was plucked out of her thoughts when one particular head throb nearly sent her tumbling backwards and losing balance. Sobrang sakit ng ulo n’ya. She was about to stand up when she saw three pieces of Ibuprofen just in front of her.

Aiah and Mikha could not have done this—judging from how they were still passed out on the bed. Sino naglagay nito? Could it be her?

Caring nga.

Jhoanna catches herself smiling. Colet prepared Ibuprofen for her, Mikha and Aiah. Totoo ba? Jhoanna thinks to herself, her smile growing bigger and bigger. She doesn’t know if it’s the acid from all the alcohol last night, or if these are butterflies. Because maybe—just maybe, Colet is already warming up to her.

For the rest of the morning, she entertains the thought of getting closer to her new roommate.

The afternoon went by peacefully after Mikha and Aiah left to go back to Taft. Colet woke up before noon, which amazes Jhoanna, knowing na baka nga napuyat ito sa paglilinis ng mga kalat nila kagabi. Hindi n’ya na naabutan sina Mikha, and the two girls only interacted when Colet asked Jhoanna what time the Mikha and Aiah left.

So far, they mostly kept to themselves—Jhoanna claiming the kitchen counter to casually browse over job offers—well more like Colet banishing her from the bedroom, so that the latter can go back to preparing for her evening class. They don’t acknowledge what happened last night because they both share one thing—fear. Colet is scared Jhoanna does not remember and Jhoanna is scared Colet does not care.

It wasn’t until Jhoanna’s stomach started gurgling and producing sounds that indicate her discomfort, that she thought of going inside the room and approaching Colet. She knows Sheena and the other girls have class, so she doesn’t bother texting them. Plus, it would be rude not to ask.

Feeling like she still has leftover courage from the liquor, she gets up and closes her laptop, her feet padding over to the bedroom. She tries to play it cool, pretending like she needs to get something to try and see if it’s a good timing to talk to the other girl.

She enters slowly, hearing that Colet is on the phone with someone. She almost retreated to her place of banishment, but she hears Colet say her goodbye.

“Oh sige na. I still have a class to prepare for. Let me know right away if something changes.” She hears Colet say.

“Okay, anak. Good luck later. I will tell your dad you called.” The other voice said.

Jhoanna double hesitates. The girl is talking to her mom and she feels like she’s eavesdropped over an important conversation.

Colet puts the call down, turning around to face her roommate and giving her a raise in the eyebrow.

“Sorry.” Jhoanna leans over the doorway. “I know you said not to disturb you. But I’m just wondering…” Jhoanna pauses to cater to her anxiety, biting her lip. “Baka gutom ka rin?”

It’s as if she could hear the cogs inside Colet’s head turning, hesitating and doubting. The silence was deafening and Jhoanna is starting to regret her actions.

Colet removes a piece of her airpods and starts to clear her desk.

This confused the girl on the doorway, crossing her legs and awkwardly shaking her head like a fish out of water.

Suddenly, Colet’s swivel chair turns around. She meets Jhoanna’s stare.

“Ramen?”

Jhoanna bites back a smile.

Chapter Text

Jhoanna fights the urge to chew on her fingernails. It’s a habit that she grew out of over the years. But as she fixes her small duffel bag, and fusses over herself in the mirror, she couldn’t help but to give in to her silly childish antics. She had asked her new roommate, Colet, to go out and get food. Well, she asked if her if she was hungry. Technically, Colet was the one who suggested they go out for ramen. To say that Jhoanna was flabbergasted is an understatement.

Well, baka hungover lang din talaga s’ya. Jhoanna nods, agreeing with her inner monologue.

She sees Colet in her peripheral view. The girl dressed much simpler this time, compared to when Jho first saw her. Nevertheless, Jhoanna approves of her choice of clothing. She turns around to get a full view. Colet is wearing a simple gray shirt and jean short, a black retro-squared sunglasses sat on top of her head. As the girl got closer, Jhoanna takes a whiff of the familiar fresh and spicy, woody scent that she’s entirely grown fond of.

Jhoanna opted for a brown fitted tee.

She adjusts her glasses awkwardly. “T-Tara na?”

“Tara.” Colet says coldly, making her way to the door. She slips on her white sambas not bothering to untangle its laces—a gesture that made Jhoanna smile, as Colet hops on one foot, struggling to put them on.

Jhoanna works on her own sneakers as well. They lock the door behind as soon as they’re ready. Their walk to the elevator was God awfully silent, and the soft retro tune playing inside made it worse. Jhoanna anxiously fiddles with the strap of her bag. “Thank you nga pala.” She says, before pressing the elevator button.

“Hmm?”

“For not letting me sleep sa floor kagabi.”

Colet pulls down the sunglasses that’s propped on her head to her eyes. “Ang tagal kong pinag-isipan no’n—kung hahayaan kita do’n kasi mukha ka naman komportable.”

Jhoanna pouts, but tries to laugh it off. “Sorry. Ang lakas kasi manglasing nina Mikha.”

“Just a tip.” Colet pushes a strand of her hair behind her ear. “’Wag mo palaging sakyan trip nina Mikha. Malakas talaga manglasing ‘yun.”

The door to the elevator opened before Jhoanna could reply. Thank God. Hindi n’ya alam how much more of that awkwardness she can take. Colet is as cold as when she first met her.

She doesn’t know how to respond to the girl’s act of kindness the other night—getting her to bed and preparing meds for her headache the morning after so she decides, na s’ya nalang magbabayad ng meal nila today. She lets Colet lead the way though. They make their way thru the lobby then outside their condo building. The air was hot and humid and Jhoanna regrets not bringing her sunglasses as well.

As they walk, Jhoanna stayed one step behind Colet, to the girl’s left—the part of the sidewalk closer to the highway. She couldn’t help but stare at the back of her head. She doesn’t have an idea where they’re going and she doesn’t bother ask, but she follows anyway.

She wonders what goes on inside the other girl’s head. Jhoanna actually thought Colet had warmed up to her. So, Jhoanna furrows her eyebrows in her never-ending pursuit to figure this girl out.

Jhoanna notices that they are now casually passing by Ramen Kuroda—lagpas na actually, so she picks up her pace to catch up with Colet. “Huy, ayaw mo ba do’n?”

“Ayoko jan.” Colet casually replies. Noticing that they’re side by side already, she slows herself down and steps to the left, essentially swapping their positions. “Tumabi ka nga.” She commands. Si Colet na ‘yung naglalakad sa side na malapit sa highway.

Jhoanna tries to play it cool, but her grin betrays her. Buti na lang hindi s’ya tinitignan ni Colet. She wonders, however, kung ano ba talaga nasa utak nitong tao na ‘to. One minute she’s cold and condescending, the next she is casually swapping their positions on the sidewalk to protect her.

It excites Jhoanna and challenges her—in a way.

They reach the ramen place in no time. It’s in a secluded street surrounded by trees. She could see why Colet prefers this place more than the other one. It’s small, lowkey, and it looks more authentic than fast food ramen. The doorman greets them and opens the door for them. Colet responds with a kind “thank you.”

They were seated immediately kasi walang ibang tao. The place is small but well decorated. She’s never been to an authentic Japanese restaurant before and she thinks this is the closest she could get. She takes the seat across Colet, settling down and enjoying the smell of Japanese cooking.

Jhoanna browses over the menu.

“Anong sayo?” Colet asks, casually scrolling on her phone, not even bothering to look at the menu.

Jhoanna hums, undecided. Then, she remembers. When in doubt, go for their best seller.

“Ano bang best seller?” She asks, looking at the girl across her.

“Sige, ako nang bahala.” Impatiently, Colet stands up making her way to the cashier. Judging by the way the old lady in the cashier is talking to her, Colet seems like a regular here. That explains why she did not even look at the menu.

Masungit na naman s’ya ulit, Jhoanna notes.

Colet makes her way back to their table and takes out her phone. Jhoanna thinks that, if they’re going to be roommates—living together, sometimes eating together, sleeping together—okay too much. But anyway, if they’re going to be sleeping in the same room together, they have to at least be able to tolerate one another. And so Jhoanna tries.

“Lagi ka dito?”

Colet lifted her eyes up to meet hers. “Nung first year days.” She says casually.

“Hmm.” Jhoanna says. Ang hirap naman kumausap ng taong ayaw makipagusap. But then she tries again. Hard work is a virtue. “So you entered law school, when?”

“Two years ago.” Colet replies.

At least she replies.

“So second year ka na?”

“Yep.” Colet says, popping the p.

“What made you decide to enter?” Jhoanna asks instantly. “Bakit…bakit mo gusto maging abogado?”

This made Colet stop whatever she’s doing on her phone. Putting it down, she pauses before folding her arms on her chest. “Ba’t mo natanong?”

Jhoanna opens her mouth in an attempt to say something. She’s just trying to make conversation, dammit. “Wala lang.”

Colet takes a breath, probably contemplating if she’s going to take Jhoanna’s question seriously—or she’s just going to say a half-assed answer, like what she does when other people ask her. She shrugs. “Para sa pera.”

“So it’s not for some noble cause?” Jhoanna asks sassily.

“Of course not.” Colet answers and matches her sassiness. “Andami mo naman tanong.”

Jhoanna purses her lips. Malamang journalist nga eh, she says in her head.

She doesn’t say a thing so Colet adds, “I’m not going to lie and tell you I’m in this because I wanna fight for justice or to save the oppressed.” She says. “That’s bullshit. Nagc-cringe ako pag nakakarinig ako ng ganyan sa mga kaklase ko kasi alam naman nating lahat na hindi totoo.”

Jhoanna nods. She’s not disappointed. If anything she’s impressed by the other girl’s honesty. Kasi totoo naman din nga.

“You don’t…” Colet pauses, looking through the glass window beside them. “You don’t put your entire life—your career on hold for, say, four or five years just so you can save people. You do it because it’s  intellectually challenging, financially rewarding and personally fulfilling.”

“Right.” Jhoanna says, but it does not express how sufficiently amazed she is by Colet’s boldness. She knows she likes people who are intellectually stimulating.

“But still.” Colet continues, “You study as if someone’s life, liberty or property depended on it. Because in reality, even if you’re in it for the money, totoo naman. Bawal maging bobo. Buhay ng tao ang nakasalalay.”

Jhoanna is amused. This is the most words Colet has spoken to her. This is the most talkative state she’s seen her so far. The passion, grit and drive that she sees in this girl is unmatched. And Jhoanna feels like she’s finally met someone who can challenge her.

“How about you? What’s your deal? Why are you here in Manila?”

Jhoanna squirms. Na-pressure s’ya sa sagot ni Colet. “Walang mapapala ang isang journalism major sa probinsya.”

“Journalist.” Huh “That explains it.” Colet says leaning back.

“What explains what?” Jhoanna asks, curious.

“The questions.” Colet replies. “Kung bakit ka matanong…”

The younger girl nods. “Sorry.” She isn’t apologetic because she liked the conversation but she says it anyways.

“It’s okay.” Colet responds, and Jhoanna could tell the girl is hesitating. “So anong plano mo?”

The food arrives before Jhoanna could answer. It was served by the same old lady from the cashier. She watches Colet’s interaction with this old lady—kind, respectful and warm. Sobrang ganda n’ya pag nakangiti rin yung eyes n’ya. It’s unusual but it’s definitely not unwelcomed.

Colet takes the tray from the old lady and proceeds to serve the food on her own. In all honesty, nahihiya si Jhoanna kasi gusto n’yang tumulong, but Colet is already fussing over her. She takes the bowls and serves them in front of Jhoanna, opens the paper packet of chopsticks and hands them over her as well and fetches more leaks from the self-service bar.

“Mas masarap pag marami nito.” She comments, probably unintentional. Jhoanna thanks her nonetheless.

Ang bango nung ramen and Jhoanna was honestly too eager to taste that broth. She takes ahold of the soup spoon and takes a slurp of the creamy broth. It’s a feeling comparable to a warm hug—a warm hug after a long tiring day.

The broth seems to warm up the two of them because Jhoanna could feel Colet’s aura warming up. It isn’t as cold and uninviting as it was five minutes ago. And the smile in her eyes stayed.

“So…” Colet starts, still chewing on her noodes. “Ano ngang plano mo?”

Jhoanna doesn’t question it, the ramen probably put the girl in a good mood to ask questions. She pauses still, not because of Colet, but because she doesn’t know how to answer the question as well. Well, she does not have an answer. Coming to Manila was a decision to probably cure her creative burnout and widen her horizon. That’s as far her plans got.

“Di ko pa alam…” Jhoanna chuckles. “Try ko siguro mag-apply apply gano’n. Audition for radio broadcasting roles, kahit writer…” She narrates. “But I have to make a piece first. Most of the ones I have are outdated. Eh kailangan…to impress these networks, bago—interesting.”

Colet nods. “Nahihirapan ka ba?”

Jhoanna takes another slurp at the soup. “Hmm…Okay naman. I mean—I can write. Pero siguro hindi lang ako kasing excited as before. I don’t know if you’ve experienced this before but…yung parang kahit anong try ko hindi s’ya maganda. Kulang sa kulay, passion, heart…”

Colet looks up to think. Cute, Jhoanna thinks. Her happy thinking face is the cutest.  

“That’s how I feel about writing songs.” Colet opens up.

So she writes song. It’s something so personal—for Colet to share that with her, that it caught Jhoanna by surprise.

It’s euphoric—yes, the right word to describe it is euphoric. Jhoanna isn’t happy or kinikilig but it feels nice that Colet is starting to open up kahit mabagal lang. It’s up to Jhoanna now how she handles this. She could either screw it up, and Colet is never talking to her again or she could be her friend.

Friend. Are they friends now?

“That explains it.” Jhoanna mimics.

“What explains what?” Colet smiles, also mimicking her question earlier.

“Yung gitara saka turntable sa sala.” Jhoanna says, chewing on her noodles.

“Right.”

“Siguro magaling kang kumanta no?” Jhoanna teases.

Colet shakes her head. “My dad was the musician. I just do it because I love it…well used to love it.”

“Bakit hindi na ba?”

“Di ko alam.” Colet shrugs.

“Baka sinasabi mo lang ‘yan pero magaling ka talaga?” Jhoanna teases. “Baka pa-humble ka lang?”

Colet breaks into a smile, and Jhoanna could feel the same flattering in her stomach. Pucha, ang ganda talaga.

She thinks her teasing seems to be working so she presses on. “Sample mamaya?”

Colet rolls her eyes playfully. “Baka sumosobra ka na, Jhoanna.”

She thinks it’s the first time Colet has called her by her name—probably. Di s’ya sure. But she matches Colet’s smile still. “Damot ah. Sinayawan na nga kita kagabi. Kantahan mo naman ako!”

It was leaving Jhoanna’s mouth before she could stop it, so she laughs it off. She tries not to blush, remembering how she gave into the girls’ teasing last night.

“Ubusin mo nalang ‘yang kinakain mo, mahal mahal n’yan.” Colet responds, shaking her head and hiding behind her own bowl. “Lasing lasing kasi, di naman pala kaya.”

Jhoanna just laughs, getting the impression that Colet also likes the banter, is also teasing her—or downplaying something. She gives the other girl a suggestive look before going back to finishing her bowl.

In between giggles, she still wonders why her stomach is fluttering like that.

Colet ended up paying for their meal. Hindi na nakapalag si Jhoanna kasi binayaran na pala n’ya upon ordering. Hindi rin naman kasi n’ya alam. If she’d known, makikipagunahan sana s’ya kay Colet umorder. And she offered to pay as well, pero matigas talaga ulo ni Colet.

She surrendered as soon as she knew the girl isn’t going to let her pay, and took note to pay next time instead. That is, if mayroon pang next time—which Jhoanna hopes there is.

They mostly talk about the conditions of the lease on the way back, with Jhoanna just listening and agreeing to whatever legal jargon Colet is discussing. She doesn’t know what kind of feeling it is—but she feels like she can trust the other girl when it comes to matters like this.

It was nice to get to know her roommate—to break some of the walls that the latter has put up between them. At least for now, she knows that Colet is also a dreamer like her. Which is nice, and comforting but also challenging. Baka ito lang din yung makakapagpush sa kanya to be motivated and inspired.

That’s it. Inspiration n’ya nalang si Colet. 

Jhoanna taps her foot anxiously. It has been a few days since she moved to Manila and it’s time to focus on getting a job. But before that, there are requirements. Of course. This is her least favorite part. No one likes to do government related errands.

Kaninang umaga pa s’ya nakapila para magasikaso ng requirements and two things are on her mind. Number one: sobrang bulok ng sistema sa Pilipinas. Gutom na s’ya plus the hot and humid weather did not help at all. Number two: ang tagal magreply ni Aiah.

She found herself in a bit of a troubling situation. She had ordered a vision board online so she can finally get those ideas out in her head and put them into a narrative and then writing. Ang problema, tumawag na yung magdedeliver and she cannot receive it. She thinks medyo okay naman na sila—settled enough as roommates. So she had asked Aiah for Colet’s number, magbabakasakaling nasa condo pa ito.

Biting her lip, she sends the delivery guy another apology. She really needs the vision board sooner rather than later.

Jhoanna nearly jumped in her seat upon the sound of Aiah’s text with Colet’s number. She considered calling the number, but she thinks Colet might be in the middle of something. She then immediately copies the number and starts composing her message instead.

She struggles however, with how she’s gonna put her words together. Nakakahiya, but she really needs that parcel to be delivered today.

09668445697 [10:35am]: Hi Colet! Si Jhoanna ‘to. I got your phone number from Aiah.

She sends anxiously. It didn’t take a long time for Colet’s reply though.

Colet Vergara [10:36am]: jhoanna who?                      

Jhoanna scoffs, laughing at her roommates teasing. She was composing her comeback when another text from Colet came in.

Colet Vergara [10:36am]: ano kailangan mo?

Colet Vergara [10:37am]: tagal di na lang pinag-isang text lahat.

Jhoanna smiles over the girl’s texts. She knows this is banter. Okay na sila ni Colet. And to be honest, pet peeve n’ya rin naman ‘to. But in her defense, hindi n’ya rin naman talaga alam paano sasabihin kay Colet.  

09668445697 [10:38am]: Busy ka ba? Makikisuyo naman ako ng parcel ko sa baba. Please gagawin ko lahat ng gusto mo. Kailangan ko kasi yan, walang magrereceive. Dito pa ko NBI for clearance.

Colet just sends her the rolling eyes emoji. With this, understood na ni Jhoanna. She’d like to think medyo kilala n’ya na itong bago n’yang roommate. She sends her another text.

09668445697 [10:39am]: Yay! Mamaya kiss kita.

Colet Vergara [10:39am]: pag yan di totoo, itatapon ko tong parcel mo mula sa 14th floor sinasabi ko sayo

Her heart is racing from all these banters. She tries to tone it down though, kasi ang laki ng ngiti n’ya eh badtrip na mga kasama n’ya sa pila. She bites her tongue to stop her smiling. Parang tanga, nasa NBI ka.

09668445697 [10:40:am]: Pag ikaw hindi nagpakiss …

Colet sends her another emoji—the one puking this time. It did not take a while before Colet was sending her a picture of her supposed parcel. The sound that came out of her was in between a snort and a cough and Jhoanna will never ever be able to recover from shame.

Colet Vergara [10:43am]: [PICTURE]

Colet Vergara [10:43am]: ANO BA TO JHO BINTANA BA TO

Colet Vergara [10:43am]: ambigat

Jhoanna looks up from her phone to see if someone was looking at her—not that it matters.

09668445697 [10:44am]: Sorry huhu gawin ko nalang dishes mo for a week.

Colet does not reply after this, leaving her on read, but Jhoanna’s heart beats faster at the thought of giving Colet a kiss on the cheek for being her super hero.

Jhoanna woke up early the day after with the energy of the rising sun. She doesn’t know what is it that suddenly puts her in a good mood but she thinks—sasamantalahin n’ya na ‘to habang feeling productive pa s’ya. She woke up before Colet’s six thirty AM alarm and honestly, she’s pretty proud of herself. She gets out of bed and fixes it before proceeding outside their small veranda to look at the rising sun.

Sunsets are pretty alright. But Jhoanna thinks sunrises are underrated. Watching the night turn light blue to soft shades of yellow and pink just puts anyone in a good mood. She takes a deep breath, full of hope that her good days are just ahead.

She’s humming as she makes breakfast. Her roommate, who she is okay with now, has gracefully allowed her access of her pantry—given na s’ya na may sagot sa next groceries. Jhoanna agreed because, well, si Colet na ‘yun eh. So s’ya, luto nalang s’ya of whatever’s available. She takes note of the food that her roommate is keeping—puro frozen and foods with preservative.

Jho takes one mental note to prepare something real for Colet to eat next time—when she’s the one buying their food. And another, to ask Colet what her favorite ulam is.

For now, she has to make the eggs and hotdogs do. She thinks this is the best she could do, para at least mareciprocate naman n’ya kahit papano yung mga acts of kindness ni Colet sa kanya within the past week.

She also found out recently that Colet doesn’t like to put anything in her coffee. So she fusses over the coffee maker to brew a fresh pot.

Once done she starts taking out her vision board and cutting news articles from different publications—hot topics, current events. She needs to set goals and write good stories. That is the first step. She puts on her oversized pink headphones, putting on focus music and starts to get to work.

Jhoanna struggles however, kung saan magffocus. What’s her best pick? She writes decent feature but she thinks her strongest point is editorial. She then starts reading articles and consolidates those that she thinks are okay.

It was almost seven thirty a.m. when she realized she’d been at it for an hour. She hears Colet enter the shower as well to prepare for her day ahead. Jhoanna continues laying articles and pictures on the floor of their sala. As soon as she heard Colet exit the shower, she greets the girl.

“Hi, good morning!” She says a little too loudly. She couldn’t hear herself probably because of the music playing from her headphones.

Clad in just a towel wrapped around her body, Colet jumps—surprised more at the chirp in Jhoanna’s voice than the fact that she’d been there the whole time.

Jhoanna chuckles, giving Colet a sheepish apology.

“Aga naman ng energy mo.” Colet’s voice was hoarse and Jhoanna could tell the girl is still half asleep, functioning robotically, even though she’s already showered. She proceeds to the room to get dressed and Jhoanna goes back to her vision board.

Colet gets out of the room bare faced, toothbrush in her mouth, hair still wrapped in a towel and dressed in black slacks and a white shirt—with its hems casually peeking out from where its haphazardly tucked in. Jhoanna giggles at how cute sleepy Colet is

She gets back to her work and lets Colet wonder around to prepare. She tries to focus but it’s getting hard when she could literally feel the girl hovering behind her, watching what she is doing. Jhoanna turns around, slowly removing her headphones from her head.

“Ano yan?” Colet asks, toothpaste still visible from the sides of her lip.

“Vision board?” Jhoanna replies, already giddy.

“Ba’t parang di ka sure.” Colet teases. “Parang sakin mo pa tinatanong. Malay ko jan.”

Jhoanna laughs. Her roommate is effortlessly funny. “Bwisit ka talaga.” She says in between laughter. “Ito yung pinabuhat ko sayo nung isang araw.”

Colet stops brushing her teeth to give Jhoanna her biggest deadpan. “Malamang, Jhoanna. Alam ko, Jhoanna. Ang tinatanong ko kung para saan yan?”

“Vision board nga!” She replies, now intentionally trying to get on Colet’s last nerve. “Basta natutunan ko ‘to nung college. Para coherent yung narrative and stuff. Di ko rin maexplain.”

Jhoanna’s chosen topics revolve around the recent news on the Chinese threat to national security—everything from the West Philippine Sea Arbitration Award to the controversy surrounding the lady mayor of Bamban, Tarlac.

She notices Colet’s interest in the topic, kasi kanina pa s’ya nakatayo—nag-oobserve. “Di mo pa ba luluwa yan? Sobrang puti na ng ngipin mo n’yan.” She teases.

Rolling her eyes, Colet makes a quick run to the sink to wash her mouth and finish brushing. She quickly runs back, though. “Topic din kasi namin ‘yan sa PIL.”

“PIL?”

“Public international law.” Colet informs. “’Yun yung klase ko na hanggang twelve midnight.” She says chuckling. “Yan oh—yung arbitration award.”

Jhoanna smiles back at Colet. “Aral tayo minsan?” She sees Colet’s eyes fall on the time on her laptop briefly.

The girl turns around and runs to the mirror, not bothering to answer Jhoanna and panicking as she fixes her tuck. Confused, Jhoanna goes back to collating. She gets distracted, however, at the panicked look on her roommate’s face.

Colet takes out the index cards that she prepared last week to review. She peeks at Jhoanna from where the girl is sitting on the sala. Mukhang hindi naman s’ya pinapansin at busy naman, that’s why Colet felt like it’s safe to practice the assigned cases for the day. 

Unbeknownst to the older girl however, that Jhoanna has muted her focus music to tune it to Colet’s rehearsal. She understands a thing or two, but as it happens, she just wants to enjoy listening to Colet’s professional voice.

She steals a few glances and starts to notice that the girl’s tuck isn’t okay still. Lalo na yung nasa likod. And she’s itching to stand up and walk over there to fix it.

Ano bang mali do’n? Wala naman. She thinks, and so she does it. She slowly walks to where Colet is practicing in front of the mirror. Colet doesn’t stop and continues with her mock recitation until Jhoanna is standing so close behind her, she could feel the girl breathing.

Jhoanna’s hands snake over Colet’s waist, grabbing the cotton fabric of her white shirt, her eye contact with the shorter girl in the reflection of the mirror never breaking. She releases the hem from its chaotic tuck after she slowly inserted her fingers under the waistline. She looks down carefully—breaking eye contact for the first time—so she can pleat the fabric neatly. Then she stretched the elastic material of the belt waist to insert the left clean pleat—she does the same to the right one.

She steps back, doing a little victory dance, proud of her work.

“’Pag naging abogado ka na, p’wede na kong magpakulong…” Jhoanna comments silently.

Colet clears her throat—an effort to move on from that super intense, charged moment that they shared. “Ay te, bahala ka sa  buhay mo…” She manages to whisper.

“Damot.” Jhoanna pouts.

Jhoanna regrets spending time with Sheena and the girls. She took a break from thinking about how she’s going to restart her career and agreed to have a movie night with the girls in the other condo. Promise din kasi ni Sheena ‘to—and bawi sa atraso.

Malas lang din siguro s’ya because it was Gwen’s turn to choose a movie. Initially, she planned on backing out when she found out Gwen chose the newest installment to the Insidious franchise. She remembered being traumatized as a child when she watched the first one that came out. Plus, malakas kasi talaga imagination n’ya so she’s really not for horror movies.

She feels like she’s done a good job avoiding horror shows ever since. Pero ngayon—minalas talaga s’ya.

Wala naman s’yang choice ‘cause she wants to leave Colet alone to study and prepare for her evening online class as well. Kailangan n’ya yung space. And so that’s how Jhoanna found herself cowering behind Stacey on a Friday night.

Not to mention, her phone helps in distracting her. Well, not her phone—someone who keeps on texting her.

Pasimpleng sinisilip ni Jho yung phone n’ya every time na magvvibrate.

colet masunget [5:34pm]: may class ako in a while ha, wag ka maingay mamaya pagpasok mo pls

Jhoanna hides her phone under the pillow on her lap to type.

robles [5:35pm]: Opo, mamaya pa naman po. Di pa tapos movie namin.

colet masunget [5:36pm]: 6pm yun, wag na rin po sana kayo magsisigaw dinig na dinig ko bunganga mo. baka mareport pa kayo jan.

robles [5:36pm]: Yes po, sorry po.

robles [5:37pm]: Good luck sa class!! Galingan mo ipaglalaban mo pa ko.

robles [5:37pm]: pag nakulong ako

She looks around briefly checking if the girls’ attention is still with the movie. They are already halfway through the movie. Honestly, she can’t take a second of it anymore. Madalas pa man din s’yang nas-sleep paralysis before, often dreaming about leaving her sleeping form and roaming around. Kaya itong Insidious franchise talaga ang biggest trauma n’ya as a teen.

colet masunget [5:38pm]: you don’t see it now but i’m rolling my eyes.

Jhoanna giggles. Her smile turning into a lip purse suddenly when she noticed the movie is paused and all three girls are looking at her.

“Magtext ka nalang kaya Ate Jho?” Sheena demands.

And it’s like her world turned cold when Stacey reaches over to snatch her phone away from her. Pinagpapawisan sa kaba si Jhoanna. She doesn’t know why. Wala naman s’yang masamang ginagawa. But still, alam kasi n’yang aasarin s’ya ng mga ito. The slender girl looks at her. “Te, yung ka-text mo nasa kabilang unit lang. Magkasama na kayo maghapon-magdamag, nagtetext parin kayo.”

Sheena puts a hand over her mouth, trying not to gawk. “Seryoso ba? Magkatext kayo?”

At this point, Jhoanna’s palms are already like the river of Nile. “Sinasabihan lang ako nung tao na maingay tayo.”

“Ingay mo kasi.” Gwen says directly looking at Jhoanna.

“Ay sorry ah? Sabi ko naman kasi sa inyo di ko kayang panoorin yan.” Jhoanna replies. “Akin na phone ko.”

But before Jhoanna could take her phone back, Stacey was throwing it to Sheena, who caught it just in time.

“HOY!”

Bickering started to ensue between the four girls, with Gwen and Stacey holding back Jhoanna who is now screaming batshit crazy. Gwen puts a hand over Jhoanna’s mouth to silence the girl.

Sheena scrolls over her older cousin’s phone. There are not a lot of messages from Colet. It’s mostly innocent banter. So Jhoanna doesn’t know why it’s a big deal. “Grabe sa paggamit ng po at opo. Landi na ‘to for me eh. Landi na to talaga.” The girl remarks. “Apaka pa-baby mo kay Ate Colet!”

Jhonna crumples face. She catches her breath after getting her head away from Gwen’s grasp. “Apaka oa n’yo! Naguusap lang kami ng maayos. Masama ba yon?”

“Defensive mo naman, sis.” Stacey suggests, teasing Jhoanna some more. “Wala naman kaming say d’yan. Kung gusto mo si Col, go! Kung bet n’yo isa’t isa, go!”

Warm blood rushes over to Jhoanna’s head, making her turn into a bright shade of pink. She hesitates if it’s a possibility. Is it okay? Does she like girls? Does she like Colet? She does enjoy having a conversation with the girl. She likes how she smells, gushes over how she dresses and presents herself—is fascinated with how her head works. But is that it? Does she like…her roommate?

“Ang samin lang, irespeto mo ang movie night.” Stacey folds her arms on her chest before holding her hand out. “Akin na phone n’yong lahat. Walang magtetext-text.”

Jhoanna turns to Sheena, and somehow her younger cousin’s smile comforted her. They have time to talk about it—not now but soon. Because Jhoanna is now overwhelmed with her recent almost discovery. Sheena sensed Jhoanna’s anxiety and figures she could do more to comfort her older cousin—so she reaches over to give her a soft squeeze.

Stacey took the girls’ phones but Jhoanna’s head is only set on one thing. She might like girls—one girl in particular.

It was safe to say Jhoanna is but yet again traumatized by the time the movie ended. Mahihirapan na naman s’yang maghilamos ng mukha and she hates it. She knows she has a tendency to imagine and hyperfixate over things before bed. It was truly a mistake—probably the biggest one she’s done since she moved to Manila.

Looking over at Gwen, Jhoanna scoffs annoyingly. Sobrang nonchalant kahit sa mga horror movies. Sana all.

They talk casually for a little while before Stacey was stretching and yawning. Playfully, she pushes Jhoanna out of her bed. “Okay! Bed time na ng prinsesa. Uwi na.”

Sheena and Gwen starts to get up from Stacey’s bed and Jhoanna panics. “Wait! Sino maghahatid sakin.”

The girls’ break into fits of laughter.

“Wag kayong tumawa seryoso ako.” Jhoanna demands. “Staks, hatid mo ko.”

“Inaantok na ko, Jho. Umuwi ka na sa asawa mo.” Stacey teases, but Jhoanna ignores her.

“Hatid mo koooo!” Jhoanna pouts.

Defeated, Stacey sighs. “Lika na, hay nako.” Stacey walks with Jhoanna clinging on her arm. “Nakakatakot nga yung movie, no? Pinakanakakatakot yung—”

Jhoanna squeals. “Wag mo nang paalala!” She grips the girl’s arm tighter to the other girl’s amusement. “Walang nakakatawa, Staku.” She adds as they reach the door of the unit.

Stacey lets out another laugh before luring Jhoanna out of the hallways and closing the door. Jhoanna let’s out an angry whisper. Lagot sa kanya talaga ‘yang Stacey na ‘yan bukas. Horrified that she’s now alone in the dark hallway, Jhoanna scrambles to get her keys out of her pocket and run quietly to the other door—remembering yung bilin ni Colet sa kanya kanina.

The door opens with ease but she was still met by another darkness. She runs quietly to the bedroom—trying not to remember the face of the scary character in the movie. As quiet as she can, she turns the doorknob to open the door.

She sees Colet is still in the middle of class—bathing in her own anxiety as well. Noticing that Colet’s anxiety doubled as soon as she saw that she’s entered the room, Jhoanna mouths an apology. She knew she promised not to disturb Colet during class but she thinks this is an emergency. She tries to keep her fear at bay though, as she crawls to where Colet’s desk is.

“Sorry…sorry.” She whispers on all fours.

“Ano nangyari sayo?” Colet asks—pasimple lang.

Jhoanna winces. It’s a long story. “Dito muna ko.” She whispers back, she’s now leaning beside Colet’s swivel chair.

Before Colet could protest, she heard her surname be called in the zoom.

Kahit si Jhoanna kinabahan—actually, she can bet na mas kinakabahan s’ya kaysa kay Colet.

“Vergara.” Colet’s instructor calls for the second time, “Is Vergara here?”

Colet unmutes herself from the zoom. “Here po, Prosec.” She answers.

“Answer the question. Can the local government of Palawan ban the catching, gathering, possessing, buying, selling and shipment of live marine coral dwelling aquatic organisms?”

Colet swallows, before closing her eyes shut. Jhoanna waits and anticipates her answer.

“Yes po, Prosec.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“What happened in the case of Tano versus Socrates?”

Colet clears her throat, her eyes remaining shut as she answers. “In the case of Tano versus Socrates, the City Council of Puerto Princesa, Palawan enacted ordinance number fifteen dash twelve, banning the shipment of all live fish and lobster outside of the city for five years.” Her voice breaks and shakes a little—but she presses on. “Thereafter, the Provincial Government of Palawan enacted resolution number thirty-three…and ordinance number two which prohibit the catching, gathering, possessing, buying, selling and shipment of live marine coral dwelling aquatic organisms for a period of five years.”

Jhoanna does not put an effort to keep her jaw closed this time, she lets herself marvel in amusement. She knows she is gawking, but she couldn’t give a single shit. She thought Colet is done but the girl continues on.

“Petitioners in this case were criminally charged for violating these ordinances, Prosec. So the issue in this case is whether there was valid exercise of police power by the Palawan LGUs.” Colet’s eyebrows furrow in trying to recall her memorized bullets.

“What did the Supreme Court say?”

“The Supreme Court ruled in the affirmative, sir.”

“Why?”

“The Court cited section…” Colet pauses, trying to recall the right provision. “Sixteen—of the Local Government Code and—emphasized on the LGUs’ responsibility to enhance the right of the people to a balanced ecology. So…the petition was denied.”

“Good.” Pause “Villamero.” Her professor then proceeds to call on the next student.

Jhoanna hears Colet let out the loudest sigh of relief and honestly, ramdam n’ya rin ‘to. She wanted to throw hands and dance about how awesome that was, but Colet was still in class. She could see the anxiety leaving her roommate’s bones, though, as Colet relaxes. Tapos na ‘yung turn n’ya and she wouldn’t be called again—at least for today.

Also, good? Jhoanna wants to scoff. That was not good—that was amazing.

She wants to congratulate Colet on doing a good job, but she stays silent because she does not have any choice. She cannot distract her. Thankfully, patapos naman na. Buti nalang Vergara apelido ni Colet.

When the voice on the zoom meet finished asking questions to the rest of the class, binigyan lang sila ng assignment for next meeting and then bid their goodbyes.  Jhoanna waits until Colet is fully out of the meet to say something.

“What the heck!” She says, standing up. “Ang galing mo?!”

Colet smirks, chuckling at the younger girl, “Sinwerte lang nabasa ko yung kaso.”

“Nooo! Ang galing kaya.” Jhoanna says, making Colet smile. “Mas ako pa yata kinabahan, jusko yung puso ko.”

Colet starts cleaning up her things. “Sanayan lang talaga.” She shrugs.

“Oh come on, di ka man lang magcecelebrate?” That earned an eyebrow raise from Colet. “Gagi ang galing mo!”

“Normal lang ‘yun.” Colet says. “Well…” She pauses before breaking into the cutest smile, tilting her head to think. “Oo nga, medyo magaling nga ako dun…”

“I told you! Congratulations!” Jhoanna exclaims excitedly when she almost jumped into the girls lap to hug her. Thank God, napigilan n’ya sarili n’ya. She opted for a high five instead—di naman s’ya pinahiya ni Colet.

“Wait, ano bang nangyari sa’yo kanina?”

Jhoanna’s heart sinks—medyo nakalimutan n’ya na eh. Why did Colet have to remind her. She sits on the bed. She doesn’t answer the girl. Baka mainis lang sa kanya si Colet kasi mababaw. She adjusts her glasses. “Pwede ba…” She says silently, giving Colet the best pleading face she could give.

Colet squints her eyes at her, confused. “Di ko gets.”

The younger girl fidgets with the duvet. “Dito ako…”

“Ha?”

“Pwede bang makitulog dito? Dito ako mag-sleep…katabi ka?”

“Bakit?”

“Natatakot kasi ako.”

Colet goes back to cleaning up her things and sorting out her to do list for tomorrow. Jhoanna could tell she’s hesitating.

“Okay.” Colet answers, not bothering to look at her. “Pero maligo ka na. You’re wearing outside clothes.”

Jhoanna lets out a small squeal. “Yay!” This turned into a pout instantly though. “Natatakot nga ako tapos papaliguin mo pa ko. Pa’no ko magsasabon ng mukha.”

“Alanganamang pati paliligo samahan pa kita.”

Jhoanna could only give the older girl a teasing smile. Mukhang delikado na nga s’ya.

Chapter Text

Colet audibly curses, glaring at the yellow monstrosity sitting on her bed. She adjusts her glasses and tries to focus on the task on hand. Memorizing twenty cases just for one meeting is no joke. Plus, she knows na wala pa s’yang recit sa Criminal Procedure, and si Judge Pretty yung prof n’ya dun—very notorious for being a bobo assassin, and she’s not the best at remedial law. So, kailangan n’ya talagang mag-doble kayod.

But as she tries to get her head in the game and visualize the case, she couldn’t help but get distracted. On her peripheral vision, she still sees the yellow duckling plushie that her roommate owns—sitting on her bed. It’s been bunking with her for the past six or seven days now—along with its owner. It’s a reality that hits colder than a bright yellow duckling plushie being so out of tangent with her usual choice of colors. Colet stops at her efforts to memorize and curses again, burrowing her face into her hands.

She wonders how it happened. Paanong nangyari na halos isang lingo na silang magkatabing natutulog ni Jhoanna. The first night it happened, Colet was apprehensive. Of course, that was the first time that she made the choice to accommodate Jhoanna into her space—sober and conscious.

On her part, ginusto n’ya narin naman talaga. Maybe the euphoria from her semi-okay recitation had something to do about it, or pwedeng baka gusto n’ya lang din talaga. Because she has to give it to Jhoanna, sobrang comfy n’yang katabi. Well, save the first night—Jhoanna has been the best bunkmate.

And Colet doesn’t know what is it about her—but she just feels instantly sleepy and calm kapag katabi n’ya si Jhoanna sa bed.

It took at least a couple of nights before they really got comfortable with each other.

The first night—Jhoanna was really uneasy. She really was anxious and scared, which Colet didn’t expect na gano’n pala kalala. Jhoanna kept tossing and turning, and truthfully, it ticked Colet off. But that was before she turned around and saw the look of fear in Jhoanna’s face. Colet’s aggravated sneer immediately turned into easement and calm when she saw that Jhoanna was on the verge of crying.

What else is she gonna do—except to offer her arms? After what she believed to be an hour of soothing the girl—running her fingernails over her scalp and whispering calming reassurances into her ear, Jhoanna had fallen asleep.

Ah, du’n din pala ‘yun nagsimula—the cuddling part. It’s one minor detail that Colet keeps on pushing down—because in her head, it’s all innocent, and beneficial…for both parties.

It’s not like she didn’t try to banish Jhoanna back to her own bed. She did. But as soon as the younger girl gave Colet the puppy dough eyes, made worse by the pouting and that—god awful—baby talk, Colet is already putty in the girl’s hands. It’s both miserable and funny at the same time, the way Jhoanna cannot function and go somewhere in their unit with the lights off, or how she cannot wash her face nang hindi nahihilam because the girl refuses to keep her eyes closed.

Colet shakes her head in annoyance—but also finds it really fucking adorable. It’s sick—so sick it makes her smile and laugh and sometimes want to punch herself in the gut.

Maybe she’ll punch simsimi instead. Hindi talaga ‘yun yung pangalan nung sisiw sa kama n’ya but she doesn’t care. In her head, si simsimi ‘yun. But she stops herself kasi mukhang happy naman si Remus—her wolf plushie—nang may bagong katabi sa bed.

Now though, she resorts to just groaning. Sobrang out of place nung kulay from the usual neutral tones na ginagamit n’ya sa bed. But then again, that’s what Jhoanna has brought into her life since she became her roommate—color, volume, vibrance. Her usual tones of gray and blue being replaced by soft yellow and pink hues—the same colors that her eye lenses see whenever she’s with the girl.

So, she thinks, what’s the harm? What’s a few hasty splashes of colors carelessly thrown outside the solid lines she’d been carefully drawing for years now gonna do? And sure, Colet’s life is louder with Jhoanna in it—a little crazier, and it scares her.

So, Colet marvels in it—the joy, anxiety, and excitement of possibly feeling something for her roommate—a crush, infatuation? She couldn’t be certain for now.

She could hear her voice piercing through the walls of their condo unit as she belts out the lyrics to perhaps another Billie Eilish song as she showers. She smiles and laughs to herself, before turning to look at simsimi. “Baliw nanay mo!” She points and angry whispers.

Then, Colet is laughing and hitting her face again.

And just when Colet thought her walls couldn’t be more taken down, some thing happens that she knows she’ll never be able to live down.

They were just hanging out together on Colet’s bed—because, well they tend to do that every night now apparently. Jhoanna’s reading something on her iPad while Colet surrendered to just lying down on her stomach, scrolling through social media, and finding the will power to start studying again.

She had stopped when she knew na wala na talagang pumapasok sa utak n’ya and at this point, trying harder will only make things worse, mapupuyat s’ya and there’s a possibility na mawala pa sa isip n’ya lahat ng mga nabasa n’ya na.

Jhoanna has her head casually propped on Colet’s butt, and Colet is lying on her belly—sulking for the past hour or two now. Sometimes, she has a hard time letting go of control and this is one of those times.

The younger girl notices Colet’s dismay, not finding it hard to in the first place. Colet keeps on sighing loudly, kahit naririnig naman ni Jhoanna na masaya naman yung pinapanood n’ya sa phone. So, Jhoanna takes a break from reading and looks up to Colet giving the girl her curious look.

Colet recognizes this right away and puts her phone down. “I’m fine.” She says before Jhoanna could even ask, planting her face on the mattress of her bed.

“Gusto mo pag-usapan?” Jhoanna asks, locking her iPad and setting it down.

“No, I’m just anxious.” Colet dismisses.

“Okay, how can I help?” Jhoanna offers.

Colet takes another sigh before unlocking her phone and going back to whatever it is that she’s looking at there. “It’s okay, Jho.”’

“You sure?”

The older girl clucks her tongue. She knows it’s better to let it out—that much she learned from Aiah. But she hesitates, not knowing if Jhoanna is the right person for it. Kasi at this point, rant na lang din naman talaga yung magagawa n’ya and nothing else. Her brain is fried.

“Na-overwhelm lang ako siguro.” She says in an effort to downplay her impending compulsion to put a solution to her problem. So, to say that she is overwhelmed is understatement of the year.

“Mm-hmm…” Jhoanna replies. “Okay, I’ll let you choose.” She adds, confusing Colet for a second. “Comfort or solution?”

Solution, Colet wants to say. But even she knows that is not a smart path, given the strong overwhelming emotions of panic and anxiety that she is feeling right now. Feeling brave, she says, “Comfort nalang.”

Jhoanna beams at her. “Okay, come here.” She beckons as she shifts so she can lie on the bed with Colet, side by side. She offers her arm and Colet hesitantly complies.

It took a while before Colet settled into it. Usually, during normal nights, she isn’t overwhelmed with negative emotions when she’s snuggling with Jhoanna. But as they share the silence and the space together, Colet found herself almost falling asleep. It’s really fucking weird—how Jhoanna’s vibes immediately calm her down.

In her half asleep and half-awake state, she hears Jhoanna say, “I’m not the best at giving comforting words. Madalas, I’m also hard on myself. I grew up as an only child and so I mostly felt alone…not having anyone to support or cheer on me when I feel overwhelmed.”

Colet almost furrows her eyebrows in disbelief that even Jhoanna’s voice—one that’s usually loud and clamorous—could tone down and soothe her in a way that she also does not understand. She doesn’t say a word.

“But I learned through out the years…” The younger girl continues. “…about this origin story.”

“Hmm?” Colet asks unconsciously to fan out her curiosity.

“It’s a perspective, I think…na nalaman ko lang—from this book that I’m reading. Sabi do’n, kapag ‘yung author daw, nakakaramdam ng feelings of overwhelming things—be it positive or negative. Sabi n’ya…she likes to think that she started out as this celestial being. Parang…energy.”

Jhoanna’s narration seems to yank Colet into consciousness because, number one, she is curious. And number two, she’s surprised that stuff like this would come out of someone like Jhoanna—the happy go lucky, just funny, loud and childish girl that she often sees. It isn’t bad—but it’s new. And Colet marvels in it.

“And then yung universe, or si God, or whoever, asked her na parang…’Gusto mo bang pumunta sa Earth? Sa loob ng napaka-iksing oras –just one lifetime—and experience every human emotion you could possibly have?’”

Colet internally nods.

“Lahat—love, heartache, anxiety, joy, euphoria…and she’s like, ‘Yes, I do.’” Jhoanna continues, hands still running up and down Colet’s back to soothe her. “And so, kapag ako nakakaramdam ng mga ganito ka-intese na emotions—overwhelming emotions, parang reality check s’ya to step outside—hinga muna. Then, iniisip ko na…oo, sobrang uncomfortable and painful nitong nararamdaman ko, but then it’s still—I don’t know—beautiful? That I have the capacity to experience this.”

Colet doesn’t say a word—still reveling on Jhoanna’s little revelation. She ruminates in it and takes it in. In a way, she views the world the same way. The world won’t stop just because hindi s’ya masyadong nakapag-prepare for recit. Sure enough, darating yung oras na ‘yun. Tatawagin s’ya and she can only do her best. She can spend this time sulking but nothing is going to change. And so with that, she lets go.

She thinks Jhoanna is a glass half-full, silver-lining kind of girl. So, as she lifts her head up from where it is tucked under the girl’s chin to look at her directly in the eyes, she sees it. There it is again, the soft yellow, pink and purple hues—just surrounding them.

Colet cups Jhoanna’s face and cradles it on her palms. She wants to kiss her. It’s painful to resist—the kind of pull Jhoanna’s magnet does to her. And she thinks all she’s been doing for the past few weeks that she’s known her is—resist. It’s ironic because they were just talking about letting go.

For a moment she was sure she saw the girl’s eyes fall on her lips also—briefly.

What she isn’t sure of, however, is if this thing between them is going to stick. If Jhoanna likes her—if Jhoanna likes girls at all. If Colet likes the idea of developing something stable with the girl—it’s all very confusing.

It’s too soon.

That’s why even though every fiber of Colet’s being is yearning for that kiss—to finally put all her wondering and dreaming to rest—she does not give in to her desires. And so she pulls back a little—not as way of resisting but to say that it’s okay—kaya n’yang maghintay. Kaya n’yang maghintay kung sigurado na sila.

“Thank you.” She manages faintly.

Then the two girls fall into a long, recharging hug.

The sound of electricity dying made Colet want to curse. Manila was recently put on storm signal number two and her class was suspended for the evening. It’s unusual kasi mainit parin naman yung weather, tapos biglang may bagyo. She had used the time to study for her Property class—kung saan never silang sinipot ng prof nila. Property is a major subject, plus it makes up at least thirty percent of civil law in the bar exam. So, whenever she has free time, she makes the effort.

She hates blackouts. But given that it had been raining hard all day because of the storm, she’d expected it. Fishing for her phone on her bed blindly, she regrets just casually throwing it on there earlier. She curses audibly. “Shit naman.”

After going through and under the sheets, she’s found it. Spotting the time on the screen, she notes that it’s already nearing midnight. She must have been studying for four hours now and lost track of time. She turns on her flashlight and quickly remembers something—her roommate.

Colet gets on her feet immediately, running out the bedroom to check if Jhoanna’s okay in the kitchen. Suppressing a giggle, she comes closer to where Jhoanna is frozen on the counter. Literal na bato at hindi gumagalaw. For a second, Colet got worried. She touches the girl’s back gently but Jhoanna still jumped.

“Ako ‘to.” Colet emphasizes, flashing the light from her phone on her face.

Jhoanna grips her tightly—a behavior she’s seen from the girl the first night she got back from watching that horror movie at Sheena’s. She gently guides them to the sofa, the two of them fumbling in the dark. She could hear Jhoanna’s quivering and that’s when Colet knows it’s serious. The girl has fallen into a state of shock.

“Anlala naman nung movie na pinanood n’yo…” She comments quietly, never letting go of Jhoanna’s hands nonetheless. “Huy, it’s okay.” She tries. “It’s gonna be okay, blackout lang ‘to.”

Jhoanna still doesn’t respond.

“Hey…” Colet gently nudges, running a hand over Jhoanna’s hair.

“S-Sorry.” Jhoanna says after a while.

“It’s okay. It’s just a blackout.” Colet hands her the phone, and makes an effort to stand up. “Dito ka lang, I’ll get the candles. Alam ko meron ding rechargeable light na naiwan si Aiah dito somewhe—”

“Wag mo ko iwan.” Jhoanna interrupts, holding Colet’s arm tightly and sitting closer to her, pulling her closer to her.

“I’m not leaving you, Jho.” She whispers now because their faces are already inches from one another—to the point that she could hear—feel Jhoanna’s breath shivering. “It’s okay.”

Colet pulls away briefly, not wanting to feel like she’s taking advantage of Jhoanna’s distressed state.

“Listen to me.” Colet begins. “Hawakan mo ‘tong phone ko. I’ll just be here…you can see me. I won’t’ leave the room. I promise. Dito lang ako.” Colet states, pointing to the kitchen. “Hahanapin ko lang yung mga candles and yung light ni Aiah para kumportable tayo.”

Jhoanna slowly and hesitantly nods.

“Okay? Mukhang matagal pa ‘tong blackout. No advisory ‘to eh.”

For the next hour, Colet made sure that the unit is properly lit for Jhoanna’s comfort. She rummaged through every possible drawer in the unit but still couldn’t find Aiah’s rechargeable night—so they resorted to the older girl’s scented candles. Colet blushes at the sight of Jhoanna relaxing on the couch—her face just illuminated by candles, the sound of the rain trickles and the cold breeze from one open window.

She’s peeking from where she’s standing in the kitchen, frying heart-shaped chicken nuggets. They’d make the stove work because apparently parehas pala silang gutom—Colet from studying and Jhoanna from attempting to write her audition piece.

Somehow, she’s relieved Jhoanna’s relaxed already. She wouldn’t know how to deal with someone in a state of shock.

Colet is sure she didn’t plan any of this, however—imposibleng maging kasabwat n’ya ang Meralco at ang bagyo. But she isn’t complaining either.

“Mukhang matagal pa nga ‘tong blackout na ‘to.” Jhoanna says, scrolling through her phone. “Tinatawagan ko sina Sheena kaso baka tulog na sila.”

“Baka nga..” Colet chuckles, setting the nuggets on top of the fried rice that she’d already made in a bowl.

“Hay…I was already in the zone.” Jhoanna says. “Lowbat din laptop ko. Baka sign na ‘to?”

Colet fetches the bowls and makes her way to the couch. Normally, bawal kumain sa couch. But Colet guesses today is an exception.

“Anong sign?” She says handing Jhoanna her bowl.

“Na…” Jhoanna begins. “Kantahan mo na ko.” She teases, raising her eyebrows and pouting to the direction of the guitar that’s casually displayed in the living area.

Colet clears her throat. She doesn’t normally sing in front of other people. “Do I have to…” She says proudly.

“No.” Jhoanna says, digging through her own chicken nugget bowl. “But until the lights come back on, it’s just you and me in the darkness, Col. Kailangan tulungan mo ko mag-isip ng ibang pwedeng gawin.”

Colet rolls her eyes at the girl, shaking her head but smiling still. “Kala mo madadaan mo na naman ako sa mga ganyan ganyan mo?”

The younger girl then proceeds to take out one of her charms—one that Colet knows is her weakness. Jhoanna scoots closer again, invading Colet’s personal space. She juts out her bottom lip and tilts her head closer to Colet’s face.

“Please?” She asks

Colet gently shoves the girl, surrendering. “Kainin mo muna yan. Pag naubos mo ‘yan baka kumanta ko isang chorus.”

Jhoanna did a little dance and proceeded to devouring her entire bowl. It’s surprising how even in the dark, Colet could see Jhoanna’s colors.

The sound of the roaring thunder seems to pull Jhoanna back to her distressed state. Hindi gumaganda yung panahon and Colet fears this black out is going to stay until the morning. Nahihiya talaga s’ya pero alam n’ya rin namang medyo nangako s’ya kay Jhoanna. They had just finished eating their late dinner when Colet thought of picking up her guitar to give in to Jhoanna’s wishes.

She sits on the floor and starts to strum softly—the sound of the storm still whistling outside.

Colet starts to strum a particular chord pattern, a song that she knows is one of her go-tos. She turns to look at Jhoanna who looks like a kid on a Christmas morning and laughs.

Sa hindi inaasahang

Pagtatagpo ng mga mundo

May minsan lang na nagdugtong

Damang-dama na ang ugong nito

She pauses and laughs, feeling the sweat on her palms whenever she shifts the chords. She glares at Jhoanna who has now taken out her phone and is recording the entire thing.

“Dali naaa.” Jhoanna pushes. “Ganda. Ganda talaga.” She teases.

Shaking her head, Colet continues. She looks down awkwardly as if trying to figure out what the next chord is gonna be—although knowing how to play this song by heart.

'Di pa ba sapat ang sakit at lahat

Na hinding-hindi ko ipararanas sa'yo?

Ibinubunyag ka ng iyong matang

Sumisigaw ng pagsinta

Colet looks up and meets Jhoanna’s eyes this time, because, how can she not?

Ba't 'di papatulan ang pagsuyong nagkulang?

Tayong umaasang hilaga't kanluran

Ikaw ang hantungan

At bilang kanlungan mo

Ako ang sasagip sa'yo

She stops abruptly, a shy smile donning her face. She looks down to fidget with the guitar as Jhoanna erupts into a cheer.

“Yie!” Jhoanna teases again. “Sabi ko na ang galing galing mo eh.”

Colet doesn’t count how many eyerolls she’s given the girl, but she’ll bet its plenty.

It’s been a few days since the storm and the rainy season has officially started.

It’s an earworm—the melody that’s playing in Colet’s head right now. Unable to do something about it, she picks up her guitar from the sala and sits on the floor, trying to find the right chords for it. She hums the song as she tries different chord progressions na p’wedeng ilapat dito.

As it turns out, Jhoanna’s creativity is so contagious that it didn’t spare Colet from being so inspired she could write an entire song about it.

And so, she did. Suddenly finding a lot of time at her disposal, Colet just sat there, strumming and composing for the past two and half hours—remembering the first time she saw Jhoanna, how easy it was to fall into the girl’s orbit—how she’s gravitated towards her in an instant during the short amount of time that they’d known one another.

She writes the chorus first, finding it easier to do.

Paikot-ikot lang

Mula nung mailang

Gawa ng 'yong tingin at ngiti

'Di sinasadyang

Mahulog, mahibang

Aasa na tayo sa huli

Colet smiles, proud that she somehow felt satisfied with the first draft.

She now proceeds to write the first verse, struggling with how she wants to start. Colet sighs. Finding that it’s a good idea to start with her hesitations, Colet tries to be honest in writing the part.

Aaminin ko ba?

O baka bigla lang mawala

Kung ano mang pumapagitan

Sa'ting dalawa

Colet does not know what’s scarier—the fact that maybe she’s the only one who’s fallen or the possibility that Jhoanna might be feeling the same. It might be the latter, because what will they do then? If they fall in love, then what’s next? Pursuing a relationship? Kakayanin ba nila? Kakayanin ba ni Jhoanna na pumasok sa isang relasyon kasama ang isang law student?

Kakayanin ba ni Colet hindi ma-distract at mawala ang focus? Knowing what happened in the past…it’s risky. Colet knows she has a lot to lose.

Naiisip mo ba

Sa mga oras na tayo'y magkasama

Kung ano tayo sa buhay ng isa't isa

So she continues to sing her heart out, hoping that somehow it would alleviate the fear that she’s feeling right now.

Hindi na n’ya kinaya at kailangan n’ya na ng tulong. Colet doesn’t always ask for help, and when she does she knows how to contact her parents—not her mom and dad, but her figurative parents. And that’s how she found herself at the back seat of Mikha’s car one afternoon after she’s finished school. She had asked Aiah and Mikha to pick her up at PUP after her class was surprisingly dismissed early. Madalas silang wala sa buhay ni Colet but when she needs them, they never hesitate.

“Kailangan ko ng tulong.”

Aiah chuckles, exchanging a look with her girlfriend who’s driving, before looking at her from the rear mirror. The two girls wait for Colet to continue, as if anticipating something and it bugged Colet off.

Colet widens her eyes, sitting at the center and leaning forward to be in between the two girls. “Crush ko na ata si Jho.” She blurts out.

A collective scream was heard from the two girls, with Mikha lightly shoving her girlfriend probably from kilig. “I knew it! Bayad ka bub.”

Colet rolls her eyes at them. Piskit ‘tong dalawa na ‘to. Lahat nalang pinagpustahan.

“Wag kayong matuwa, hindi ako natutuwa.” Colet deadpans.

“Why?” Mikha asks, as they traverse along Magsaysay boulevard, the usual route pabalik sa condo.

Colet folds her arms on her chest, leaning back this time. “Ayoko lang.” She responds. “Alam n’yo naman yung nangyari dati. I don’t think I can trust myself again.”

That earned a sympathetic look from Aiah.  “It’s okay, Col. You don’t have to rush into things. It’s only been a few months.”

Colet chews on her bottom lip. “What if I don’t wanna go for it at all?” She responds, even though she knows that’s only half the truth. The truth is, she wants to try something with Jhoanna—wants to give love another try again since their relationship has been nothing short of wonderful for the past weeks. But she’s just scared.

“You know what, I don’t think what’s happened before is going to happen again.” Mikha adds. “Kasi magkaiba naman si Jhoanna at si—”

“But I’m still the same old me.” Colet interrupts. Remembering something, she leans forward again, landing a sudden slap over the redhaired girl’s arm and startling Aiah.

“Ow! What the hell was that for?”

The older girl separates them instantly. Mouthing to Colet that Mikha is driving and that they both need to behave.

“Kasalanan mo lahat ‘to, Mikha Lim.”

Having an idea what she’s hinting at, Mikha gives Colet a smug smile. “Okay, fine. Maybe I was trying to imply something nung nag-inom tayo but that was it, okay? The rest is fate, I guess.”

Colet rolls her eyes at the redhaired girl.  “This is all your fault.” She says firmly. “Kung hindi mo ninakaw si Aiah, ade sana tatlo kami sa condo ngayon—ade sana hindi kami magkatabi natutulog ni Jho—”

“What??” Mikha exclaims, almost stepping on the brakes and coming to a full stop. “Gabi-gabi kayong tabi matulog?”

Colet almost snarls at her friend, fighting the urge to go in for another punch.

“What else happened between the two of you?” Mikha eggs on, giving Colet a suggestive look at the rearview mirror—a gesture that also earned a tone it down look from Aiah.

Colet keeps her closed off stance, glaring at Mikha. She fights a smile though. “Gago, nothing of that sort…but…”

“But?”

“We almost kissed once—the other day.” Colet groans, burying her face on her hands again. Fuck.

“Why almost?”

“Di ko kaya, Miks.” She replies lowly. “Gusto ko, oo. Pero di ko pa kaya. Di ko pa deserve si Jho.”

Mikha runs out of comebacks, seeing how her friend is truly struggling. She tones down the teasing and nudges her girlfriend. It is now time for Aiah to say something.

“By the way you are talking right now, I think it’s not a matter of yes or no, love, eh.” Aiah starts. “When you say hindi mo pa s’ya deserve, I hear that you really want it…you want her.”

Colet sighs, gently this time.

“I might be wrong.” Aiah says, although Colet knows Aiah is hardly wrong. “But I don’t see anything wrong with trying to give your crush a little chance. Adults na kayo parehas. You’re single—she’s single. You just have to take it slow—put some boundaries. I’ll ask you this.”

Aiah meets her eyes on the reflection in the mirror.

“Do you see yourself with her?”

Colet pauses. Does she see herself with Jhoanna? And for a second Colet imagines the kind of life that the two of them will lead—casual discussions of current events over iced tea, stay-in movie nights cuddling with Remus and her ugly duckling plushie. And she cannot stop the smile already forming on her lips.

“Down bad si gago.” Mikha comments, this earned another slap from Colet despite Aiah’s efforts to separate the two of them. Mikha takes the hits, finding Colet’s aggressiveness amusing.

“Don’t put your walls up too high, love.” Aiah comments after the two has settled down. “Nakausap ko na rin ‘yang si Jho. In a way, I see you in her.”

Mikha laughs at the unintentional inuendo with the two girls giving her a look of disbelief.

“You’re both dreamers.” Aiah continues. “So I think, ‘yun ‘yung common ground n’yong dalawa.”

Colet doesn’t say something, although she agrees. It’s true, they’re both like fuel and fire to each other. Somehow, she’s already getting a glimpse of their dynamic.

“She’s a good one, Col. I can tell.” Aiah suggests. “Although you have to be careful ha. Wala pang nagiging ka-relationship ‘yun.”

Colet chuckles a bit. Bata pa nga si Jhoanna. And right now, ‘yung bata na ‘yon ang nagtatanggal ng angas n’ya.

Stacey and Sheena had joined them that afternoon, something about getting a school work done. Colet had let them settle their matters in the kitchen counter, while she goes back—attempts to go back to studying again. Free cut s’ya tomorrow—but a law student shouldn’t be wasting her time. With Jhoanna out on an initial interview, she knows she can get more things done.

Rainy season is at their midst, and not to sound weird, but hot rainy afternoons are one of Colet’s favorite things. She likes the smell of the rain—kahit mainit at humid.

She was on the way to the shower, her towel casually draping on her shoulders when she overhead the girls talking.

“Wait lang guys.” Sheena says, catching Aiah, Stacey and Gwen’s attention.  “Nagpapasundo si Ate Jho sa LRT station. Walang payong na dala ang bugak.”

Hearing Jhoanna’s name stops Colet on her tracks. Slowly, she takes a few steps backward to peak and eavesdrop at the girls in the living room.

“Ano ba yan, Ate Jho…” Shenna complains, already standing up probably to get ready to fetch Jhoanna at the station. “Sakitin pa naman yung lampa na ‘yun. Di p’wedeng maulanan. Hay nako!”

Only one thing comes to Colet’s mind. Bakit hindi s’ya yung tinext ni Jhoanna? Wait lang baka tinext naman s’ya hindi n’ya lang nakita. She unlocks her phone to look at the last message her roommate has sent her—which was dated last Monday pa. Nope. No text.

It was safe to say Colet was a little irritated. Dapat s’ya nalang yung tinext ni Jhoanna. Kaya naman n’ya sumundo eh.

She throws her towel on her bed and proceeds to run to the living area. She grabs a jacket to cover up her sando and an umbrella on the way.

“Jan ka nalang Sheena!” She says, racing the younger girl to the door—still struggling to put on her jacket. “Jan ka nalang, ako na bahala.”

Colet closes the door before she could hear the teasing, shutting everything out and focusing on Jhoanna. Si tanga hindi nagdala ng payong. Deep down, she’s worried Jhoanna had already braved the rain. Hay, stupid. Ang laking perwisyo ‘pag nagkasakit s’ya.

And so, Colet runs as fast as she can, not minding that her lungs are already about to explode—hiking the overpass, nakikipagpatintero sa mga tao papuntang V. Mapa station. She doesn’t bother texting Jhoanna to stay where she is or ask if she’d already moved. In her heart, she feels like she’ll find her there.

Catching her breath, Colet stops her tracks.

She found her. There she is, near the entrance—at the bottom of the stairs, casually looking up to watch the rain like a kid, arms stretched out to feel the trickling of the water, her eyeglasses reflecting the gray sky.

Colet’s panting dissipates as she gets closer to Jhoanna. The girl doesn’t see her yet, but Colet spots her. The smile on her lips grows until she is smiling ear to ear. It never disappoints to put Colet in a good mood—the soft pink and yellow hues she sees when she’s with the girl. Right there, all the doubts and fears that she's confided in Mikha and Aiah-out the window as she looks at the wonder in Jhoanna's eyes. 

A familiar tune also starts playing in her head as she gets closer to her.

“Hi…” Colet says.

Jhoanna looks down to meet her eyes, mimicking Colet’s wide smile.

“Hi.”

Chapter Text

“Hi…”

Jhoanna’s confusion echoes at the back of her head, but does not give a second to dwell on it because Colet is smiling at her. Colet— the Colet Vergara, her short-tempered, crabby roommate, whom she had developed a tiny bit of crush on—is here at the station to fetch her. Or that much Jhoanna has assumed.

“Hi.”  She replies, mimicking the smile that Colet is giving her because Colet looks absolutely radiant despite the hurried look on her face. She notices the girl’s heaving shoulders—an indication that she ran, presumably—or walked fast, kind of like striding—from their unit to the station to fetch her.

Colet steps closer to her, and Jhoanna could hear her heart beating loudly in her ears. She still doesn’t understand why she’s nervous—but she is.

Jhoanna blinks, not knowing how long they’ve been staring at each other. But as Colet gets closer to her, she sees the emotion on the girl’s face changing from delighted to her usual grumpy scowl.

“Bakit…” Colet begins to furrow her eyebrows. “Bakit hindi ako ‘yung tinext mo?” She asks, the rain still falling softly on her see-thru umbrella.

Jhoanna breaks eye contact, looking down. There’s no foul reason behind it really. Actually, she texted Sheena because she didn’t want to disturb Colet because the latter might be studying. She opens her mouth to say something but she couldn’t find an excuse.

“Next time, ako yung i-text mo. Nakuha mo?” Colet asks her in a very Colet-like fashion.

Jhoanna could only nod.  Aiah is right, Colet is such a caring person. She may have unconventional ways of showing it but it’s there. She thinks she’s never met anyone who’s as much as nurturer and carer as she is. Growing up as an only child, all she ever did was take care of her parents, do whatever to please them. But now, standing in front of her is someone probably who is going to beat her record and steal her trophy.

Colet steps closer to her until they’re finally under the same umbrella. She looks at the girl as Colet hooks their arms together, gently tugging her as they go own to brave the rain together.

Jhoanna keeps her grip tight, holding Colet closer as they step over small puddles of rain. Her heart soars as she looks at Colet. It does not bother her nor is it an unpleasant feeling, even though it’s new to her. Her heart is doing backflips in her chest, but she knows it’s at peace.

Her armor—her white knight and savior.

Despite Colet’s efforts to save Jhoanna from impending sickness, Jhoanna still got the flu. Well not yet. Kagaya nga ng kwento n’ya kay Sheena at Stacey, may “kulog” lang sa lalamunan n’ya. But still, she could feel the fever brewing in her. It’s not worth it, she thinks. Hindi worth nung pinuntahan n’yang interview for a small writing gig yung lagnat n’ya.

Sheena and Stacey had advised her na sundutin ng Alfonso yung kulog sa lalamunan n’ya—a proposition that made her roommate curse out in irritation. It’s funny and she laughs whenever she thinks about their little suggestion—any excuse lang talaga para mag-inom. Minsan totoo rin naman at may mga gumagaling naman talaga. But Jhoanna doubts it’s gonna work for her. She knows what she needs. What she needs is a few days of rest, lots of water, and alaga ni ano—ni roommate n’ya.

So, Jhoanna whines as Colet shoos her and banishes her from their shared double bed back to Aiah’s single bed. She knows it’s also for the better, and she would volunteer to sleep separately if it comes down to it. Mahirap mahawahan si Colet, especially since she’s studying for Midterms. Of course—but she still wants to whine para ma-baby.

Taking out her phone, she types loudly, a goofy smile visible on her face.

robles [7:07pm] : miss kita :(

She locks her phone and excitedly looks over Colet’s studying form. She’s at her work station again, focused on studying for her upcoming quiz in labor standards, hugging her left knee. She watches as Colet picks up her phone and looks at her message. She hears a small chuckle.

“Tanga ka.” Colet says, turning around first to look at her before standing up and walking slowly to her direction.

Jhoanna pulls the covers up to her chin to stop her quivers, watching Colet’s hand press over her forehead. She nearly winces at the contact. Colet’s hands are cold.

“Gagi ka, tumataas lagnat mo.” Colet comments, slight panic in her voice. She shakes her head and sits on the edge of the small bed, combing Jhoanna’s hair away from her forehead. “Lampa mo naman, ano ba yan.”

Jhoanna raises her eyebrows, pouting and giving Colet her signature pa-baby look. She’s feeling alright. Well, not really. But she knows it’s just a small fever kasi naulanan parin s’ya but it’s gonna go away after a good night’s rest. But she milks it anyway for one reason only—concerned Colet is the cutest. She’s seen Colet in various states and thinks every one of them is cute in their own way. Pero concerned Colet takes the cake—final answer.

“Ano nararamdaman mo?” She asks as she lies down partially, running her hands over Jhoanna’s body to keep her warm.

Jhoanna smiles, still in the mood to tease. “Kinikilig.”

She could tell Colet wants to roll her eyes. “Tanga.”

The younger girl sniffs, feeling like her entire nasopharyngeal area is on fire. “Oo nga, tangek.”

Colet doesn’t respond to this but continues to wrap her arms around Jhoanna. “Nagpayong naman tayo…sinundo naman kita.” She thinks out loud.

Jhoanna nods, falling into Colet’s embrace—her face buried on the girl’s neck. She thinks whatever happens, she can blame it on the fever. And so, she sniffs whatever leftover perfume Colet has on her neck. It’s washed down and mixed with her shower soap but Jhoanna thinks it’s the most addicting smell in the entire world.  

“Sorry.” She apologizes still.

Colet starts to pull away to stand up, but Jhoanna holds her tighter.

“Jan lang ako, kukuha lang kita ng wet towel.” Colet explains gently so Jhoanna could let her go.

Jhoanna then worries and starts to regret if her getting sick will take up Colet’s time. Guilt is now making its way to her stomach, making her want to throw up. She lets go slowly, but doesn’t say a word.

Colet didn’t take a while, nakabalik din s’ya agad with a small basin and a white good morning towel to Jhoanna’s delight. She cannot explain sweeping emotions that took over her at the sight of Colet sacrificing her precious time—na dapat nakalaan sa pag-aaral—para alagaan s’ya. The guilt and remorse that she feels right now, she wants to cry. Hindi rin alam ni Jhoanna probably dala nalang rin ng lagnat.

Somehow, Colet notices Jhoanna’s impending tears. “Ay.” She says firmly. “Don’t cry na.” Colet fusses, pressing her thumbs gently over Jhoanna’s eyes to wipe away the girl’s tears. “Lalong sasakit lalamunan mo.”

Jhoanna sniffs, emotional because she cannot remember the last time someone took care of her like this. She had good parents who took care of her, but there’s something about Colet pausing her studies to tend to her that just sends her to tears.

“Okay na ko…” Jhoanna says hoarsely, wiping her own tears. “Go back to your studying na. Sorry.”

“Anong sorry?” Colet asks, her voice slightly raising.

She squeezes the wet towel and proceeds to wipe Jhoanna all over—her face first to silence her crying, then her neck and arms. She then uncovers the girl’s legs under the blanket, much to her annoyance. Colet insists though, despite Jhoanna’s whines. Kailangan n’ya ‘to para babaan ng lagnat.

As soon as Colet was done wiping and washing down Jhoanna’s fever, she asked her, “Anong gusto mong kainin? Soup? Padeliver tayo.” She says, placing the wet towel on her forehead.

Jhoanna is just about to protest and dismiss that she’s fine but Colet is already opening her phone to browse food choices at Food Panda.

“Ano bang bet mo?”

“Wag naaa…” Jhoanna says, kasi nag-dinner nadin naman sila. 

“Di ko libre ‘to, babayaran mo ‘to.” Colet teases, scooting closer to Jhoanna again. “Akala mo libre na naman, sumosobra ka na.”

And although Colet was saying such negative words, her actions say otherwise as she gets closer to snuggle Jhoanna so they can both look on her phone. So Jhoanna laughs, going back her original spot on Colet’s neck. And for a second—just a split second, Jhoanna got anxious thinking. Ano ba ‘tong ginagawa nila?

But then she remembers, she got this far with Colet. Now is not the time to overthink. Whatever it is that they have right now, they can talk about it when they’re both ready.

“Ano na gusto mo po?” Colet repeats in her calmest, lowest voice. “Yung pang may lagnat ah. Di pwede yung mga ice cream ice cream.”

Jhoanna chuckles again. She doesn’t know how Colet found out about her sweet tooth.

“Ah!” Colet exclaims probably at the new sensation that Jhoanna’s palms brought on her stomach. Jhoanna had casually slipped her hand under Colet’s oversized Charlotte Folk shirt and placed it on the girl’s ribcage. “Init ng kamay mo.” She comments. “Mag-order na kasi!”

“Ayaw!” Jhoanna protests.

“Para nga mainitan sikmura mo. Last na kain natin kanina pang seven.” Colet says, still scrolling through food panda.

“Ikaw nalang magdecide.” Jhoanna says. “Wala ko maisip.”

Colet tries to focus on the task at hand, finding it difficult because Jhoanna is now pressing her ribcage with her fingertips. She jumps when Jhoanna presses a certain spot, pulling away slightly. “Wag kasi!”

“Hala, may kiliti.” Jhoanna teases.

Colet furrows her eyebrows in disagreement. “Babalik na ko do’n.” She taunts, pointing to her desk. “Mag-aaral na ko, hindi na kita papansinin ulit. Galingan mo pa.”

Jhoanna laughs, pulling Colet closer to her. “Sorry na…order na. Order na po kami.” She teases. “Mushroom soup nalang, boss.”

The older girl gives her another eyeroll. “Magtitino ka rin pala…”

Colet eventually goes back to her backlogs in labor standards. She knows she can relax for a bit kasi labor naman talaga ang favorite subject n’ya. Also, her strongest subject. Tapos na rin s’ya ng recit and once lang naman nagtatawag ‘yung prof nila sa isang sem. She had to make it count. But as for now, she can go back to her relaxed reading.

“Sumbungera mo talaga.” Jhoanna pouts accusatorily at Sheena—who was the one who had to sit on her kahit hindi naman talaga kailangan. Pumasok si Colet sa school and she insisted na dapat may magbantay kay Jhoanna kahit na sinisinat lang naman s’ya.

Surprisingly, Jhoanna’s fever did not come down overnight. She must have caught something a little serious. But still, life goes on. Kailangan tapusin and mga kailangan tapusin. She needs to get this recording done so she can submit her piece to labels already.

But Sheena has made it harder for her to work because apparently sinumbong s’ya nito kay Colet. So, she pouts as she types loudly, reading again the direct orders that Colet had sent her—orders to stay away from her recording equipment and rest.

robles [10:31am]: Kaya ko naman po mag-work. Napaka-oa n’yo naman.

“Kasalanan ko bang ayaw mong makinig sakin.” Sheena says sheepishly, from her she’s lying on the floor. “Kailangan isumbong ka pa sa asawa mo para magtigil ka…”

Buti nalang din walang pasok si Sheena. If she’s being honest, she’s also thankful Sheena agreed to stay with her. Jhoanna shuts her laptop down and closes it with force, clearly upset na pinagkakaisahan s’ya ng mga tao. She resigns to join Sheena in the living area, collapsing on the couch. Her head still feels warm and she could still feel the phlegm in her throat.

Colet Vergara [10:32am]: wag ka na pong makulit.

Colet Vergara [10:32am]: ano po gusto mo lunch? 11 matatapos ‘tong class ko.

Jhoanna found herself smiling at disciplinarian Colet.

“Ate Jho— ang Tintin Bersola ng Laguna, iskolar ng UPLB, student leader nung high school at college—natagpuang tiklop kay anger.” Sheena announces, teasing her older cousin.

Jhoanna doesn’t say something, succumbing to the hot pounding in her head. She places an arm over her eyes.

“Kamusta na kayo, Ate Jho?” Sheena asks, a hint of teasing in her voice.

“Grabe ‘yang segway mo ah.” Jho comments, sitting down slowly.

Sheena laughs, her interest in the matter peaking as she props her head up to reveal her excitement. “Kayo na?”

Jhoanna scoffs. “No…alam n’yo, ang lala n’yo mang-asar. ‘Pag kami na-fall…”

“Eh ano?” Sheena taunts. “Ano bang mali do’n?”

The older girl releases a sigh. She isn’t ready for this discussion. Right now, she’s just enjoying what they have, hoping it won’t ever go away. “Di ko alam…Iniisip ko sila mama.”

Sheena furrows her eyebrows. “Feeling ko okay lang naman kina Tita.” The younger girl responds. “Di ko alam, parang tingin ko naman sila ‘yung type na tanggap ka naman kahit anong mangyari. Sinuportahan nga nila pagpunta mo dito sa Manila kahit ayaw nila.”

“Iba namang kaso ‘yun.”

“Sa tingin mo ba hindi okay sa kanila…I mean, syempre di ko naman kayo pinapangunahan kasi parang landi-landian pa lang kayo ngayon. Pero if seryoso na, sa tingin mo di magiging okay kila tita?”

Jhoanna half smiles. “Actually, wala talaga kong idea, Shee. Di naman naming napag-uusapan before. At never din naman pumasok pa sa isip ko na pumasok sa relationship dati.” It’s true, Jhoanna has never been in a relationship before. She never wanted to before and didn’t plan to enter into something going into Manila.

She sighs in frustration. It’s the reason why she’s trying to push it down in the first place. Ang sabi n’yang reason sa parents n’ya kung bakit s’ya pupunta ng Manila is to pursue her career. Well, she’s still doing that. But also, pursuing something else— someone else. Quite frankly, she’s scared of telling them for this reason more than the fact that the subject of the persuasion is a woman.

“I’m sure, magiging okay din. Matanda ka na naman. Kailangan nilang makita yun.” Sheena reassures. “Hays, nasanay kasi ng binebaby.”

“Hoy, ang kapal! Hindi ako binebaby. Madalas ngang ako lang mag-isa nagdedesisyon.” Jhoanna protests.

This is only one of the things to consider. She knows that if it comes down to it, she’ll choose her career. And she’s sure Colet will too. So for now, she thinks she’ll enjoy whatever good thing they have and not overthink things. She’s certain everything will be okay still.

Jhoanna’s fever has come down after two days, and it’s as if she was never sick—still bouncing with enthusiasm like the fucking energizer rabbit. It’s safe to say she’s back to her normal business of annoying her roommate. On a brighter note, Colet is relieved that Jhoanna isn’t sick anymore and that she never caught whatever bug the younger girl did.

“Anong favorite case read mo?” Jhoanna asks randomly, popping her head above her laptop to take a peek at Colet. They had decided to study together at the kitchen counter, Jhoanna taking the stool across Colet.

“Hmm..” Colet furrows her brows, eyes fixed on the screen—an indication she is being engaged in a conversation against her will. She answers nevertheless. “Favorite is a strong word. Wala kong favorite na kaso.” She answers, her sight never leaving her laptop screen.

“Okay…then kaso na nabasa mo tapos nagandahan ka?”

Colet looks up from her laptop now, giving Jhoanna her annoyed face. “Hindi interesting magbasa ng kaso. Wag ka na maraming tanong.”

Jhoanna pouts again, knowing the kind of power it has on her roommate.

“Fine. Meron akong case na nabasa nung first year, super ganda ng ponencia.”

“Ponencia?”

“Pagkakasulat.”

Jhoanna nods. “Okay…”

“Oposa versus Factoran…”

Jhoanna tilts her head at the sound of the case title, trying to remember where she had heard that case before.

“It’s a landmark case for locus standi—legal standing. Basically, tinatanong nila sa Korte Suprema kung may karapatan bang magsampa ng kaso yung mga magulang ng mga bata sa isang kaso na related sa pagmimina ng mga likas na yaman ng bansa natin.”

A light bulb pops above Jhoanna’s head.

“Ah! Yan yung ano…yung kaso about sa timber license!”

Jhoanna could see the surprised look on Colet’s face. She doesn’t take any offense in it. If anything she’s happy she’s surprising the older girl with her wits.

“Pa’no mo nalaman?”

Jhoanna bites her bottom lip. “’Di ko alam specifics n’yang kaso na ‘yan pero nadiscuss samin ‘yan sa org.” She explains, as she remembers her time as President of various orgs in UPLB—the rallies, silent protests, events that she’s organized to fight for the environment, minorities and everything within that sphere. “UPLB ako be. Kulang nalang pakainin kami ng puno d’un.” OA , she thinks. “Bakit mo nagusutuhan ‘yung case na ‘yun?”

“Maganda nga pagkakasulat.” She says plainly. “Plus, there’s a detailed discussion there about the right of every Filipino to a balanced and healthful ecology. Ang galing lang kasi…” Colet pauses. “What the doctrine in that case says is that, kung gusto ko magsampa ng kaso laban sa gobyerno dahil gagawa sila ng makakasira sa kinabukasan ng mga anak ko…pwede.”

Jhoanna blushes, briefly spacing out. Anak? Gusto ni Colet magka-anak?

“What?” Colet asks at Jhoanna’s lack of response.

“Wala, sorry.” Jhoanna shakes her head, snapping out of her brief fantasy of picturing Colet with a baby boy—their baby boy. “So…kung magkakaanak pala ko, pwede ko sampahan ng kaso ‘yung gobyerno natin dahil sa dolomite beach?”

Colet smiles, and Jhoanna could tell she likes the conversation because her eyes are also smiling.

“Pwede mo sila sampahan ngayon—taxpayer’s suit. Sabihin mo lang sinasayang nila taxes na binabayad mo.” Colet says casually. “Basically, i-challenge natin yung constitutionality nung batas na nag-allow jan sa mga lintik na projects na ‘yan.”

Jhoanna nods. “Sampahan na natin?” She jokes.

“’Wag ngayon, may recitation ako mamaya sa public corporations.” Colet joins in the banter. “Bukas nalang, libre ka ba?”

The younger girl batts her eyelash. How they turned this conversation from an intellectual exchange to playful banter—she doesn’t know. But then again, who is she to question it?

“Ikaw, libre ka ba?”

Colet sticks her tongue out at the younger girl before they both fall into small fits of laughter. Jhoanna thinks their tandem is gonna be one to look out for.

Once they’re sure na magaling na magaling na talaga si Jhoanna, nag-grocery na sila. They’re already running out of stock and si Jhoanna naman yung may sagot ng grocery this time. Colet has graciously allowed her access of her pantry. Ilang lingo na rin s’yang nagpapaalaga kay Colet. This is the least she could do.

As they stroll through aisles of SM Sta. Mesa’s grocery store, Jhoanna couldn’t help but ask questions. Jhoanna’s growing curiosity to get to know her roommate is getting the best of her. She’s thankful Colet is in a good mood to answer her questions.

She had learned that Colet’s full name is Maria Nicolet Vergara—a fact that she needed to wrestle out of her roommate. She is the middle child out of four siblings and that her parents are both abroad. She says she’s not close with her siblings but Jhoanna thinks Colet secretly cares for them—just like she secretly cares for Aiah, Mikha and probably Jhoanna. She likes masking her affections with her casual sungit attitude but Jhoanna thinks it doesn’t faze her.

Jhoanna had touched on the sensitive topics of exes and Colet had dismissed her right away. Noticing na biglang nawala sa mood si Colet, Jhoanna tries to divert the topic.

“Ooh! Canned corn—bili tayo.” Jhoanna points to the cans of whole kernel corn at the top shelf as she gets off the grocery cart kung saan s’ya nakasakay sa gilid nito. Colet had disclosed na homemade pepper lunch daw ang favorite n’yang kainin. Somehow, Jhoanna is thankful Colet’s favorite ulam is not something as complex as beef caldereta or bulalo.

“Bumaba ka pa jan, Jho.” Colet instructs, struggling to navigate the cart. “Bigat bigat mo.”

Jhoanna hops off the cart before sticking her tongue out at her roommate. “Kinaya mo nga ako buhatin nung lasing ako…”

“Di kita binuhat n’on. ‘Wag kang assuming. Kinaladkad lang kita papasok ng kwarto.”

“Sama talaga ng ugali mo…” Jhoanna comments, taking out her phone to check the grocery shopping list that she had made prior to going here. So far naman, on track pa sila.

Jhoanna couldn’t help the giggle that escaped her lips at the sight of Colet on her tippy toes, her favorite pair of Sambas crumpling, as she tries to reach for the can of whole kernel corn at the top shelf. “Ako na…tabi.” Jhoanna says proudly.

She reaches for a can with minor effort, a sporting a smug look on her face as she looks down on Colet, who had a look of disbelief on her face.

Colet’s jaw was wide open, her tongue poking through the inside of her cheek—fighting for her annoyance.

“Liit kasi.” Jhoanna teases, as she turns her back on the older girl to put the can on the cart.

“Ang kapal ng mukha mo.” Colet responds. “Two inches lang tangkad mo sakin, hoy!”

Jhoanna responds to this by stepping closer to her fuming roommate to taunt her—so close she was breathing down on her, her bottom lip in between her teeth. She lets go of her bottom lip and she sees Colet watch that little act, fixing her gaze on Jhoanna’s lips.

“Alam kong maliit ka but my eyes are up here…” She teases.

They had a small staring contest before Colet was reaching for her ribcage to poke her. Jhoanna gets a hold of the offending finger before putting Colet in a headlock.

Colet manages to scramble out of Jhoanna’s hold, angrily fixing her cap kasi nagulo na sa harutan nilang dalawa. “Ang gulo gulo mo!”

“Ikaw nanguna!” Jhoanna fights back laughing.

“’Pag tayo napalayas dito, ikaw may kasalanan!” Colet angry whispers, fixing her vintage Pink Floyd t-shirt as well.

“Maria Nicolet Vergara, ikaw nauna.”

Jhoanna watches as Colet gives herself a massive facepalm. “Sobrang laking pagkakamaling sinabi ko sayo ‘yung full government name ko. Pucha.”

Jhoanna giggles, basking in the bliss of their young affection.

Colet then proceeds to laugh, walking to the direction of their cart so they can proceed with their shopping.

Jhoanna had separated from Colet who was already at the counter because she wanted to get Sheena her favorite ice cream. She browses over the different flavors and brands and smiles happily when she found her younger cousin’s favorite overloaded cookies and cream flavor.

She gets a hold of the tub, sealing the freezer shut. She lifts her head up and stops her tracks when she noticed this young girl—probably in her early twenties as well—wearing a ruffled dress that cut just below her knee and red bayoneta glasses. Weird. Because the girl is looking at her.

She gives the girl a polite smile before turning around.

“Ang tagal mo naman. Ako na ‘yung next sa counter. Ayoko bayaran ‘to—”

She was surprised to see Colet already trailing behind her along with their cart. Colet stops immediately though, looking like a deer in the headlights. Confused, Jhoanna follows the girl’s gaze—the girl in the red bayoneta glasses.

“Hi Col.” The girl greets, smiling both at Jhoanna and Colet.

Jhoanna saw Colet’s shaky exhale. She’s uneasy, shifting her stance and playing with her cap. Still, she returns the girl’s smile—Jhoanna isn’t disrespectful.

“Hi.” Colet says, and Jhoanna almost shivered at how cold Colet’s response was.

“Didn’t expect to see you here. Anyway, I was just buying cat food for Juyon.” The girl smiles at the mention of the name.

Colet gives her a curt nod.

Cat food. Jhoanna remembers seeing cat toys back at the unit, and it doesn’t take her a while to figure things out. She can now collect all dots. You see, Jhoanna isn’t stupid. She knows Colet is touchy when asked about their former roommate—how she mentioned na sumakit ulo n’ya sa pag-alis nung dati nilang kasama. Just—maybe this girl was their former roommate. Whatever happened between her and Colet though—that she must figure out.

“Hi.” Jhoanna says, trying to mitigate the tension. “Jhoanna.” She introduces, extending her hand.

For a moment, Jhoanna thought the girl isn’t going to take her hand. She does eventually.

“Maloi.” Unusual name. She gives Jhoanna a shy smile. “I’ll leave you guys to it. Nice seeing you, Col.” She says looking at Colet, who had a stoic reaction on her face. “Nice meeting you, Jhoanna.”

Jhoanna turns around to face Colet—almost not wanting to deal with the aftermath. There’s tension and she can sense it.

“Tara?”

Colet gives her half a smile. Jhoanna puts her arm around Colet’s lower back, a subtle effort to calm her down, before proceeding to the checkout counter.

On their way back to the condo unit, Colet doesn’t say much, and Jhoanna knows better not to push it. It’s like she’s regressed back to being a stranger in Colet’s life—back to square one, masungit ulit s’ya, cold and unresponsive.

They get back to the unit just in time for dinner and Jhoanna hesitates kung magluluto parin s’ya kasi parang naging black and white na ulit si Colet. Pagbukas na pagbukas ng pinto ay agad itong nagkulong sa kwarto, saying something along the lines of kailangan n’ya na ulit mag-aral. Jhoanna knows something is off.

Dahil gutom na rin s’ya, Jhoanna decided to start cooking. Mabilis lang naman lutuin ‘yung gustong ulam ni Colet. A part of her hopes na baka bumalik yung magandang mood ni Colet kapag nakakain na nang masarap. She cooks the rice first, and proceeded to thaw the still slightly frozen beef.

Curious, she opens her phone to send Aiah a text.

Jhoanna [7:54pm]: Ate Aiah, may nakasalubong kami ni Col kanina sa grocery. Yung dati n’yo atang kasama dito sa unit?

Jhoanna’s a bit anxious but she tries to push it down. Aiah’s reply comes in after a short while.

Ate Aiah [7:56pm]: oh no

That response didn’t comfort Jho one bit.

Ate Aiah [7:56pm]: kamusta si col?

Honestly, Jhoanna doesn’t know how to answer. Colet is dismissive and cold—she might need space.

Ate Aiah [7:57pm]: we can’t come over yet, may thing si miks right now. maybe tomorrow pa.

Jhoanna [7:57pm]: Okay Ate. :<

Jhoanna still makes Colet dinner, to give back her acts of kindness within the past few weeks. By the time she was done with the plating and everything, it’s almost nearing nine p.m. Colet must be hungry na rin. And so soft, she knocks on the door of their shared bedroom.

“Hi…” She says softly, peeking her head inside the room to look at Colet in her usual studying form. “Ready na yung…yung dinner. Gutom ka na?”

Colet turns around and meets her—Jhoanna could see the sadness in the girl’s eyes. She isn’t rude or angry, she’s just sad. Gently, Colet walks over to Jhoanna’s direction. Jhoanna offers her arms. Although she has no idea what’s going—doesn’t have the full picture at least—but it pains her to see Colet so down like this.

The older girl falls into Jhoanna’s embrace, sighing softly. She’s seen Colet angry, disgusted, happy, nonchalant, but a sad Colet is definitely one she’ll never forget.

Jhoanna coaxes Colet to the direction of the kitchen, determined to get something inside the girl’s stomach. She sits Colet down on the kitchen stool and proceeds to serve her the food that she’s cooked.

They eat silently, Jhoanna respecting Colet’s need for silence and peace. It saddens her, however, seeing her roommate regress into her cold, non-responsive state. Jhoanna gives her a smile whenever she meets Colet’s eyes though.

After Jhoanna’s cleaned up the kitchen, she proceeded to shower while Colet resigned to the bed, mentioning something about sleeping early. She doesn’t want to overthink things. And so she tries to focus on ideas to finish her piece instead. She finished her shower quickly before she could even think about what happened in the grocery today.

When she entered the bedroom, the lights were already out—save for Aiah’s little angel night light. The AC was on and Colet is turned to the side. Jhoanna puts on a fresh set of pajamas and decided to join Colet on the bed.

She pulls the covers to her shoulders, shivering from the room temperature. She stares at Colet’s back and hesitates if she’s going to approach her.

Anxiety now floods her senses as she stares unto the ceiling. She tries to stop her mind but she cannot help it. Even though their persuasion is fairly new, she’s developed a sort of liking, fondness towards her roommate. And the thought of Colet turning cold towards her makes Jhoanna’s eyes sting.

She tosses and turns to fight her anxiety—an act that surely caught Colet’s attention.

“Okay ka lang?” Colet asks, her back still facing Jhoanna.

“Yeah.” Jhoanna lies. “Ikaw, okay ka lang?”

Colet doesn’t answer, probably not wanting to lie to Jhoanna. She partially turns to face her instead.

“Di ka makatulog?”

Jhoanna sighs, trying to make out Colet’s face in the dark. She still looks sad, her colors all drained. “Opo.” She affirms.

“Bakit?” Colet asks before turning her back again, a slight teasing on her tone.

“Eh kasi…” Jhoanna sobs. “Hug time na eh.” She pouts.

She hears Colet’s weak chuckle. “Jan ka nalang magpa-hug—kay simsimi.”

Jhoanna sits down. “Simsi—?” She gets her plushie and smacks Colet playfully in her utter disbelief. The disrespect, she notes. “Anong simsimi?!”

Colet clucks her tongue. “Masakit ah…”

“Alam mo bang ang tagal kong pinag-isipan nang pangalan nito para sabihan mo lang ng “simsimi”? Ano akala mo sakin cliché?” Jhoana says landing soft smacks over Colet’s back.

Colet grabs the plushie and throws it back into Jhoanna. “Bakit? Ano ba pangalan n’yan?”

The younger girl pauses.  “Qua—” Jhoanna laughs—full on giggles—the one where she also snorts. Di na s’ya makapagsalita, laughing at her own stupidity. “Quack.” She says bursting into another fit of laughter. “ Quack Roberto —my anti-silos companion.”

Colet turns her back on Jhoanna, but the younger girl could see the girl’s shaking shoulders. “Cor…Corny mo, Jhoanna. Bwisit ka talaga.” Colet tries to put a hold onto her impending laughter but she failed miserably. She turns around and yanks Jhoanna closer to her.

“Nakakainis.” Colet comments, .

“At least, tumatawa ka na. Cute ka na ulit.”

Jhoanna then wraps her arms around Colet’s waist, tucking her head under the girl’s chin—contented that for tonight they’re okay.

It’s okay. It will be okay.

Chapter Text

When Colet Vergara was only five years old, she had a conversation with her mom about the funny fluttering feeling she feels in her stomach whenever she sees her kindergarten seatmate, Masie. Her mother brushed it off and said something along the lines of, “You’re just excited to play with her, anak.” So, she did not think anything of it anymore. She enjoyed playing with Masie night and day until they had to graduate kindergarten and Maisie went away to live abroad. Colet missed Maisie but life had to go on. 

For the remainder of her elementary years, Colet did not feel the same fluttering feeling in her stomach until she was seated next to Aaron in the fourth grade. Aaron was cute and goofy and he gave Colet sweet handwritten notes. She likes Aaron mostly because he’s good at drawing airplanes and he shares his lunch with her sometimes—when he feels like it. Unfortunately, Colet knows—understands up to an extent that she cannot—never have a boyfriend. Her recurring fear of being perceived as someone who has a boyfriend is the aftermath of her mother sitting her down and giving her the talk at the ripe old age of seven. And that’s why even though she liked having Aaron around, she didn’t like the idea of keeping something from her mother.

Colet shifted her focus on excelling at school when she reached the seventh grade. It’s unfortunate but somehow, this is the only way for her to get her parents’ attention. Being a middle child with three other siblings, she knows she had to put in the effort. In this undertaking, she met Avery Tolentino. Avery is cool, popular and advanced for their level. Plus, she’s smart–the kind of smart that Colet sometimes envy. It’s only an added bonus that she’s also really pretty and that she smells like strawberries. Since the day that they met, Colet vowed to herself that no matter what happens, she is going to be Avery’s best friend.

It wasn’t until the ninth grade that things started to go Colet’s way. Don’t get her wrong, she kept an eye on Avery since the seventh grade–carefully watched her, learned her likes and dislikes, got into some of the activities and orgs that she fancied, but she never really tried to pursue a friendship with her. 

Colet saw her opening when they got joined in a competition to represent the school together. Avery is really good at oration and Colet was the chosen candidate for the extemporaneous speaking contest. During this time, they trained together, ate together during lunch time, talked from night until morning and all sorts of things that best friends do. Colet’s heart soared whenever Avery’s name would pop up on her screen–for every text, call, instagram and twitter mention, and it’s like nothing else could go wrong. 

They pursued a friendship that would go on for seven years. Although they went to different universities for college, Avery and Colet stayed in touch. Avery would still call Colet every night and they saw each other at church–where they spend most of their time together. Colet felt content being Avery’s best friend. She’s said this a million times already but Avery has saved her life more times than Colet could count. She felt like she found her person, her solace, her ride or die. Colet’s growing fondness for Avery only grew with time. 

Avery feels the same–that much Colet believes. But by the time Colet realized that she liked Avery more than a best friend would, the world was less accepting–they both coming from religious backgrounds. She knew she had to protect Avery from all that. That’s why she vowed never to do anything about the butterflies in her stomach, even though all she wanted was to kiss Avery. What was once a blissful feeling eventually turned into torment and pining. 

The pain did not lessen over the years and only became unbearable as the time went by. Colet wanted it to stop–wanted to stop hating herself for loving who she loves. Colet still remembers the night she had to tell Avery how she felt. Going into it, she didn’t hope nor pray that Avery would say that she loved her back–she just looked forward to the possibility of loving herself after it’s done. Colet thought that she had to tell her–now or never. 

Whatever Avery responded to Colet that night, Colet knew that their friendship was more than that–more than her silly crush for her best friend. And although they have grown apart now, Colet still cherishes the time that they shared together; holds it dear to her heart that she was once in love with her best friend and at one point, she knew she felt the same. 

Colet knew telling Avery was only a step in fully accepting who she is. She would be lying though, if she said it went smoothly after that. The disdain, disappointment and sorrow she felt after processing everything still lingered and it would remain to be the most challenging years in Colet’s life. Every Sunday at church, you would find Colet upfront–during the pastoral prayer–kneeling, crying and praying to God to take it away. Take her pain away. Take what she’s feeling away. She wasn’t in love–she couldn’t love a girl. It’s against God’s will. Her mom would kill her. 

God didn’t take it away. 

By the time Colet graduated uni–with flying colors at that, her curiosity towards liking girls only grew. She felt comfortable in her body–doesn’t feel like she’s put in the wrong vessel of some sort. But it’s still peculiar to her. Growing up she only had the four-gender representation. The one caged by heteronormativity–girl, boy, bakla, tomboy. It took Colet a while to figure out the kind of shows to watch before she welcomed the thought that feminine presenting girls can also like feminine presenting girls. 

She felt at peace that she didn’t have to be masculine so she could like girls. Little by little, Colet let her guard down and started to tell some of her close friends. They were mostly accepting, which Colet liked. There’s only one problem after that–telling her parents. 

The warmth and acceptance that Colet received from her closest friends made her feel brave and somehow proud. That’s why when she met Mary Loi Yves Ricalde in the last week of summer before she went to law school, she felt like it was somehow okay to let other people in her life again. Maloi is beautiful, confident in who she is, and knows what she wants–everything Colet isn’t. 

As roommates, Colet and Maloi adored each other. They complemented each other and Colet felt safe–complacent. She was her first everything and Colet couldn’t be happier. 

She had to tell her or she’ll die. Maloi deserves someone who is proud of herself–one who doesn’t cower at the thought of holding her hand in public. That’s what is on Colet’s mind the night she told her mom. Growing up, her mom is the most visible authority figure in her life. She had a complete family–her father isn’t an ass. In fact, he provided well for them. But he’s mostly absent, although Colet doesn’t mind. 

Her mom’s words to her struck and Colet knew even before she said anything that this would be a pain that she would carry everywhere. Her pride and approval was something Colet has worked hard on since the day she was born. It didn’t matter what other people thought, as long as her mother approved–she would be fine. 

Her mother didn’t approve. She didn’t go ballistic and wild but she didn’t approve. She’s convinced Colet can still “get better”–she and Maloi can. And that girls liking girls is an abomination. Silently, Colet thought it was better than her just outright disowning her. Still, the thought of being a disappointment to her mother made Colet want to throw up. 

She couldn’t let go of Maloi just because of this, and that’s why they continued their persuasion. 

Maloi took care of Colet and Colet was thankful that somehow her life as a first year law student has become better–less burdensome. She liked having Maloi around, hugging her, kissing her, making her feel good. So good that she found herself sometimes lacking in school. It isn’t Maloi’s fault. She did what she could do to make Colet’s life easier. It was Colet who lost track.

Colet found herself only thinking about Maloi, flunking her recitations and failing her weekly digest submissions. Everything felt good and that’s why Colet didn’t mind. The world could stop, and it would be fine–as long as she has Maloi–they have each other. 

Maloi saw what it was doing to Colet–to her dream. And that’s why she made the choice to leave. She packed her bags, collected her stuff and left their shared unit–along with Aiah. 

Going to law school isn’t something Colet thought on a whim, it was something she knew she was gonna do ever since. But as she stares into their empty shared unit–with the remnants of her relationship with Maloi, Colet couldn’t help but to think that her world is crashing down. Her dream of becoming a lawyer did not matter–nothing else mattered. 

And no, they didn’t date. Technically, Maloi wasn’t her ex-girlfriend. But she was an ex-something–an ex-almost. Their persuasion nearly lasted the semester but to Colet, it felt like a lifetime. 

Maloi had blocked her everywhere–she didn’t know where she went, where she’s staying at and who she’s with. She just packed her bags and left a note telling Colet that she couldn’t bear seeing her losing her dream anymore. Colet wanted to scream and be angry because she didn’t even stand a chance. Hindi man lang s’ya binigyan ng chance ni Maloi maging better. Ang pagkakamali n’ya lang naman ay ang mahalin si Maloi ng sobra-sobra. 

Aiah had to pick her up–literally from where she’s permanently resigned at the bathroom floor–para lang maitawid s’ya sa finals week of the first semester. She couldn’t be more thankful to the girl for having enough strength to push her n’ung time na akala ni Colet katapusan na ng mundo. 

The strength that Colet also showed to push through with law school after everything that happened was also something that she didn’t know she had. Law school is hard enough as it is–but mix that with heartbreak and the anxiety of possibly losing your mom’s favor and respect. Damn. Colet thought she wouldn't be able to move past all that. 

Thankfully, she did. And Colet promised she would never make the same mistake again

Colet Vergara [6:14pm]: wala ko klase tonight, otw na ko condo n’yo.

Colet presses send as she travels along the familiar route to Mikha’s Taft condo. She locks her phone and returns it to her bag. She had booked a motorcycle taxi as soon as their class beadle announced that their Property professor is no show again. She needs help–yet again. Plus, kailangan n’yang samantalahin yung oras na wala s’yang dapat gawin just to address her feelings. 

She arrives in Mikha’s condo building in no time, not even bothering to check her messages if they are in. She leaves her ID at the lobby and proceeds to the elevator to press the right floor. On the way up, Colet hears her stomach gurgle. Hindi parin s’ya kumakain ng lunch. It’s easy to forget when Colet is full of anxiety. 

miks [6:35pm]: gagi, pauwi pa lang us galing game. 

Colet groans but types to respond anyway. Hindi naman malayo ‘yung condo sa school–it shouldn’t take a while.

Colet Vergara [6:35pm]: oks lang, i’ll wait here by the door. 

She could already see Mikha’s teasing smirk. Deep down, they both know na okay lang naman na istobohin sila ni Colet tonight–well, all the time naman. Colet couldn’t help but sink on the floor, thankful that she’s worn her comfy khaki pants to school today. Somehow, she’s foreseen na wala na naman yung prof n’ya sa Property and she would end up in Mikha and Aiah’s place. 

Consumed by her thoughts, Colet spaces out. She sighs, thinking about her latest encounter with Maloi again. There was a time where there was nothing that she wanted more than to see her face. It’s been six months since she last saw her and in those six months, Colet tried her best to pick herself up.

She doesn’t show her emotions all the time. In fact, she grew up concealing everything–concealing her feelings, holding her breath, afraid that people will see her for who she is. Only Maloi was able to tear all her walls down.

“What’s up!!!” 

Colet recognizes Mikha’s voice from across the hall. Taking a glance at her friend, Colet sees that Mikha is still wearing her varsity uniform, walking with Aiah in tow. She stands up and dusts off her pants. Di pa s’ya nakakalingon nang naramdaman n’ya yung yakap ni Aiah from behind. Colet gasps, nearly losing her balance. “‘Ba yan!” She exclaims. Secretly, she needed that hug. 

She wraps her hand around Aiah’s arms around her waist and gave it a soft squeeze–a silent thank you. Mikha pats her on the head.

“Come inside, firecracker.” The red-haired girl ushers them inside her own unit. 

It’s almost the same in size as their unit in Sta. Mesa, except Mikha can actually afford to rent the unit by herself. Colet’s been here a couple of times already–especially during the dark times. Everything is state of the art. She doesn’t blame Aiah if the girl prefers to be here than in their condo. 

Mikha sets her sports bag on top of the kitchen counter and proceeds to the fridge. “Anong gusto mo? Soft Drinks or something stronger?” She had a smirk on her lips–an expression that Colet had anticipated. 

Colet shakes her head. She’s tried solving this problem with alcohol, but it didn't do anything. And so for now, she declines. No prejudice to when she starts venting out, though. 

“Suit yourself.” Mikha says, taking out a bottle of smirnoff for herself. She walks to the living area to join Colet and Aiah, offering her drink to her girlfriend who also declines.

“Bai di ko alam ba’t ang hilig hilig mo jan.” Colet says. “Di ka naman tumataba pero lagi ka nalang may laklak na ganyan.”

Mikha gives her a cocky shrug. “Good genes, I guess. Also, volleyball.”

Colet rolls her eyes, making Aiah smile. Her smile soon turned into a look of sympathy–which Colet has a love-hate relationship on. Aiah is her older sister. She doesn’t care what biology says, but Aiah is her ate–kahit almost same age lang naman talaga sila. 

Pause.

Colet releases a sound that’s between a laugh and a cry. “Tangina.” She says firmly, pressing her hands over her face. “Fuck.”

Mikha immediately gets up, hastily tiptoeing to the direction of the fridge. “You need the drink.”

Aiah runs a hand over Colet’s back. “It’s okay, Col.”

“Andun s’ya.” Colet mumbles. “She was just there.” She takes the bottle from Mikha and takes a swig. “Antagal n’yang nawala tapos biglang andu’n nalang s’ya.”

“Mhm.” Aiah responds, not exactly knowing how to comfort Colet this time. She can try to encourage venting out. “How did it feel?”

“Weird.” Colet responds. “Di ko rin alam. Siguro nanibago lang ako kasi–sobrang tagal na wala akong balita sa kanya. Hindi s’ya nakipag-usap. As in no contact.” She explains. 

“Actually–” Mikha starts. She stops as soon as Aiah gave her the look.

Confused, Colet looks at them back and forth. “What?”

Mikha bit her bottom lip, hesitating. “We didn’t wanna tell you before kasi okay ka na. We saw how devastated you were, but she’s been asking how you are.”

Colet’s eyes widened. “What?”

“I mean–” Mikha starts again, earning another look from Aiah. 

The older girl concedes. “It’s not in a weird, malicious way, Col. I see naman that she’s sincere and just asking kung kamusta ka na ba. I don’t think she has plans on ever coming back–she just wanted to ask kung okay ka.”

Colet scoffs. She isn’t bitter because she’s moved on, but it just seems like a wholeass cognitive dissonance to her. It doesn’t make sense. S’ya yung mamb-block tapos s’ya yung magtatanong kung kamusta na s’ya? That’s fucking weird and it doesn’t add up.

“Do you feel like you still want her to come back?” Mikha asks.

Paano si Jho? Colet didn’t mean to think about Jhoanna immediately. “No.” She says firmly. This isn’t a relapse, Colet thinks. “You’re right, okay na ko eh.”

Mikha snorts. “May bago ka na kasi.”

Colet shakes her head. “It’s not that.” She bites her bottom lip briefly. “I…don’t think I can even pursue a relationship with Jhoanna. Hindi ko pa talaga kaya.”

Aiah gives her a comforting smile. “That’s valid naman, love.”

“I’m saying…it has to stop. Whatever we have going on…it has to stop. I don’t want a repeat of last year.” Colet says with conviction this time, remembering her daily drunken state last year. 

“Kaya mo pang i-stop?” Mikha asks.

Colet sighs. 

“Hindi ka pa ba fall?”

Colet shuts her eyes firmly–visions of Jhoanna’s smile and her soft yellow and pink colors flashing–the smell of her after shower hair and her goofy grin.

“I…can’t.”

“What are you gonna do now? Kakausapin mo ba s’ya? Remember you guys are staying under one roof. Kaya mo ba?” Mikha’s eyebrows furrow in worry.

“Dapat kayanin ko.” Colet says with finality. 

The two girls could only nod.

When Colet got back to the unit, she found Jhoanna sleeping on the couch—book on her chest, large headphones on her head. The lights are out and the only sound Colet could hear is the whirring of the ceiling fan over them.

She lets go of her duffel bag and it fell on the floor with a soft thud. She could feel her heart aching in her chest. Colet takes a look at the girl that she’s been sharing the unit with for the past month. She takes note and almost chuckles at Jhoanna’s slightly open mouth.

Can she do it? Can she tell this girl to stay away from her? Can she even stay away from Jhoanna?

Colet screws her eyes shut.

Hindi na p’wede. Hindi na p’wede ulit mangyari ‘yun. She’s got everything to lose.

The girl falls on the floor, kneeling in front of Jhoanna. Her attraction to her was immediate, undeniable—one that scares Colet to death. She almost shivers trying to think about their potential—their indisputable chemistry and connection. She could fall in love with Jhoanna. She is the date to marry type of girl—rarer than the rarest jewel.

She could get used to this forever—just staring at Jhoanna as the younger girl sleeps, wondering what kind of dreams she’s having, speculating if the intensity of her gaze is enough to let her know she’s thinking about her.

It’s all she’s ever done since she met her really—think about Jhoanna; memorize the curves on her lips, learn by heart the position of the moles just above them, master how the skin of her birthmark at her lower back feels under her fingertips.

She blinks trying to fight the peculiar sting in her eyes. No, she’s not going to cry over this. It would be oddly flamboyant and she’s not the sentimental type, and so she shakes it off.

Jhoanna stirs and for a moment, it looked like she was going to wake up. Colet freezes in panic, which dissipated eventually when Jhoanna stopped moving, the book that she’s reading falling on the carpeted floor. Colet picks it up and takes a look at the cover. She almost cringes at the ugly shade of orange it’s on but smiles upon reading the title of the book.

RARE BREED: A Guide to Success for the Defiant, Dangerous, and Different

Colet thinks the book screams Jhoanna. She sets it on top of the coffee table before going back to looking at the girl. “Bakit ka ba kasi ganyan…” Colet softly mutters. “Apakadali mong mahalin. Tapos ako naman yung nahihirapan. Hay nako ka…”

She knows it’s true. Jhoanna is so easy to love. What’s not easy however is the life that comes after falling in love—especially for her.

And so with all her might, Colet stands up and walks to the direction of the bedroom. She doesn’t wake Jhoanna up to sleep next to her, she lets her be on her own. Hindi n’ya rin kayang kausapin si Jhoanna para sabihing itigil na nila kung ano ‘yung meron sila kasi…ano nga bang meron sila?

Wala naman. Colet likes Jhoanna, feels the warmth of the rising sun on her chest whenever she’s with her, indulges at the heavenly feeling of having her in her arms as she falls asleep—but Jhoanna? Does she like Colet? Does she feel the same? And Colet doesn’t wanna be in this same position again—wondering, scared, unsure.

For some reason, Jhoanna seems to have understood the queue. All Colet said was that she needed the space to prepare for midterms week and Jhoanna, without batting an eyelash, all but collected her stuff from Colet’s bed—including Quack—and went back to Aiah’s single bed.

To say Colet was surprised is an understatement.

It has been seamless ever since. Jhoanna also got busy with her applications and Colet buried herself in school work, as per usual. With Jhoanna out of the unit almost every day, Colet had the entire space to prepare for her midterms.

She doesn’t let her wondering eat at her—wondering if Jhoanna noticed that she’s distanced herself a huge deal, if Jhoanna also thinks about their cuddling nights—if Jhoanna missed her as much as she missed her.

Colet buries herself in school work—she needed to put in the work for Criminal Procedure. Maitawid n’ya lang talaga ‘to, makakahinga na s’ya.

Colet was wrong—Jhoanna noticed, or so she assumes. The girl’s usual perky behavior changed and she’s been spending a lot of time at the other unit—usually with Stacey. One time, Colet caught Jhoanna sulking while washing the dishes. Di na rin kasi sila nagsasabay kumain. Lately, Colet has been eating on her desk—working lunch or dinner kumbaga. And Jhoanna is often left to eat alone in the kitchen counter.  

She keeps her head up and her heart strong. Kaya naman siguro ni Jhoanna kumain mag-isa. Dapat masanay narin s’ya.

She wanted to give herself a pat in the back for surviving the hell week. Normally, Colet would want to celebrate, maybe eat out by herself, see a movie or something. After the hell week kasi usually, professors would not immediately start the lecture. Usually, may isang lingo silang ceasefire from the daily recitations to give the students some time to rest. Well, depende rin sa prof. Colet is lucky to have the best pick of the litter this semester. She thinks it’s her best chance of surviving it in one piece, too.

Her most recent exam however, really tired the living shit out of her. Colet counts the hours—she’s been up since two in the morning studying and it’s already three in the afternoon. Her eyes are begging for rest. Para rin s’yang hinehele ng hangin sa likod ng motorcycle taxi.

Colet fights her drowsiness with all her might. Thankfully, hindi rin naman napansin ng rider yung occasional loss of balance n’ya sa likod.

She doesn’t know what time she arrived at the condo building despite knowing her ride should be fairly short. Like a zombie, she enters the building and starts making her way to the elevator to ascend.

Groggily, she unlocks the door to their unit. The door swings open and what Colet saw yanked her back into consciousness—Jhoanna hanging out with Stacey again. They’re lying on the floor, with Jhoanna’s head propped on Stacey’s buttocks—the way they used to. Colet releases a low growl, immediately shooting daggers at their direction. Suddenly, Colet’s grip around her school binders tightens.

They’re playing music on Jhoanna’s laptop while scrolling on their respective phones and Colet thinks they haven’t noticed her presence yet. That’s why when the door shut louder than it should have, making the two girls jolt, hindi na kasalanan ni Colet yun.

Colet holds her head up high and marches to the direction of the bedroom not even stopping to say hello. Allthough, she couldn’t go without muttering a quick, “Walang maingay, matutulog ako,” before opening and closing the bedroom door with a loud bang once more.

She changes into clean clothes quickly before slipping under the covers and giving Remus a cuddle. Eventually, she gives in to her body’s much needed rest.

Colet considered going home to Bohol. Kaso lang sino naman uuwian n’ya do’n? Her siblings have their own family already and she’s not particularly keen on seeing any of them either. She could hang out and stay with Mikha and Aiah for a few days. But then again, she isn’t sure if she wanted to be subjected to that much PDA and momol all the time. Baka mainggit lang s’ya at hindi s’ya makatiis kay Jhoanna.

Shit. The constant reminder na hindi na sila nagpapansinan ni Jhoanna after weeks of playing house was enough to irritate Colet.

She groans and tosses on her bed, not realizing na hindi lang s’ya yung nasa kwarto.

“Okay ka lang?”

She hears Jhoanna ask from across the room. Tapos na yung midterm week, so wala na s’yang palusot. She needs to face this.

“Yep.” Colet replies.

“Sure ka?”

It’s like Jhoanna knows exactly how to ask that specific question because her voice is now laced with her usual pa-baby tone—Colet’s weakness.

“Yes.” Colet says simply, her back still facing Jhoanna.

“Can we talk?”

Colet’s heart skips a beat. No, we can’t. I don’t want to. Please. She turns around to face Jhoanna notwithstanding her thoughts. Her breath hitches because it’s the first time she’s actually seen Jhoanna’s face in days. God, she missed looking at her doughy eyes so much.

“Bakit?”

“Are…we okay?”

The older girl pauses, not knowing what to say. So many questions can still be derived from that question. Colet snaps out of it after a few beats.

“Yes.” She says simply.

She sees Jhoanna get up to sit on Aiah’s single bed.

“Are you mad at me?” Jhoanna asks.

“No.”

“Are you avoiding me then?” Jhoanna starts again. “Dahil ba ‘to dun sa babaeng nakita natin sa grocery last week—si Maloi?”

Colet sighs. She must have asked Aiah or Mikha. “N…No.” Her brain short circuits, overwhelmed by emotions this early in their conversation. “Andami mong tanong palagi ‘no? Di ka ba nagsasawa…” Colet hates herself—hates how it came out. She sees Jhoanna deflate, the smile on her eyes leaving in an instant.

It was Jhoanna’s turn to sigh. Colet is trying to downplay the tension by casually scrolling on her phone.

“Ano…” Jhoanna starts, fiddling with the hem of her favorite UPLB hoodie. Then she mumbles something under her breath, something that Colet couldn’t make out of.

“Hmm?”

“Ano ba nagawa ko?” Jhoanna says slowly, her head still down like a kid.

Colet nearly lost it. Of course, Jhoanna thinks this is her fault. She wanted to walk over Jhoanna and wrap her arms around the younger girl—say she didn’t do anything. It was her. It was Colet who’s fucked things up. Colet looks at the girl with sympathy—the only thing she could do right now.

“Ilang araw na tapos yung midterm week mo, hindi mo pa ko pinapabalik jan.” Jhoanna sobs, using her distinct baby voice. “Namimiss na ni Quack Roberto si Remus…”

“I’m sorry, Jho…” Colet thinks. Is it time to be honest?

“May callback na ko sa isa sa mga inapplyan ko eh. Gustong gusto ko sabihin sayo para makabalik na tayo ulit dun sa ramen place na gusto mo—libre ko naman eh. Promise.”

Yes, it is. It’s time to be honest. Colet couldn’t take any more of Jhoanna’s sulking—it’s shattering her soul.

“I’m sorry, Jho.” Colet gets up and sits on the edge of her bed. She raises her head and faces Jhoanna who is also sitting on Aiah’s single bed. She doesn’t know if she’s going to regret what’s about to come out of her mouth. But right now, it feels like it’s the right thing to do. She takes the biggest breath she’s ever taken in her life. “Kung ano man ‘yung meron satin ngayon…” She trails off, still finding the courage to say it. “It has to stop. I don’t…I don’t know what we have—kung ako lang ba nakakaramdam—”

“Hindi lang ikaw yung nakakaramdam.” Jhoanna butts in.

Colet swallows, trying to find her momentum again while also digesting what Jhoanna said. Hindi lang sy’a.

“It has to stop.” Colet’s ears are wringing. “We have to stop.”

“Is it because in love ka pa kay Maloi?”

Colet stops, her eyes widening. “No…”

“Then why?”

“Hindi ko na kaya, Jho…”

“Hindi mo na kaya ang ano?”

“Magmahal ulit!” Colet says, raising her voice unintentionally. “Mababaliw na ko kapag nangyari pa sakin ulit ‘yun. Experiencing heartbreak is a luxury that I can’t afford—especially now. Hindi ko kaya.”

“I won’t break your heart…” Jhoanna says softly.

“I will. I don’t trust myself.” Colet tries to catch her breath, the intensity of their conversation already getting the best of her.

She sees Jhoanna nods. Whatever it is that she said—kung malinaw man o hindi—it doesn’t matter anymore.

“I understand, Col.” Jhoanna smiles at her, for the first time since their conversation. “But can we be friends? At least don’t pretend like I don’t exist. Medyo nagustuhan na rin kasi kitang tropapips.”

They both chuckle. Jhoanna’s kindness is overwhelming. So overwhelming that Colet nearly teared up. At least she gets to keep her.

It’s still a stupid idea. Cliché as it may sound, you can never be friends with someone who you have already fallen for. And Colet isn’t the biggest risk taker. But she thinks she can take it. So she welcomes the thought of possibly—maybe—perhaps they can be friends.

Chapter Text

The hot rainy season is oppressive in Manila. The thick, humid air feels like a soup and even if it’s cloudy or about to rain it’s still extremely sticky. When it isn’t raining, the sun beats down like it’s frying you alive. Jhoanna is still thankful that the money that her parents saved for her after graduation, combined with all the money that she’s received as reward for graduating with honors, can still afford to pay for an accommodation with air condition.

She sighs contently as she closes her laptop, swinging at the kitchen bar stool where she’s seated at. She’s recently scored a small gig—project based. It’s not entirely her dream job but she thinks it’s enough to be a stepping stone. Something about being Apex Technologies’ new Article Moderator tells her she’s on the right path.

Although, it’s only been a week since she’s started—hindi pa masyadong mabigat ‘yung load. It’s hybrid setup so she’s thankful she doesn’t have to endure the everyday commute to BGC. Sobrang bulok pa man din ng transpo system sa Metro. Plus, working from home also means she gets to see her favorite five-foot-four, highly-temperamental, fire-cracker of a roommate often.

Said fire-cracker of a roommate is also experiencing her monthly womanly woes. It’s not hard to notice that Colet has been fairly irritable lately—well more irritable than her normal irritable. And Jhoanna notices that she’s been groaning and permanently attached to her bed all day.

As a period-hating woman as well, Jhoanna understands. She wanted to do something to at least lighten up Colet’s mood or lessen the pain that she’s feeling. Actually, she’s still debating it. She calculates her steps and thinks about what friends do. Do friends take care of each other when the other one is in pain? Pwede naman siguro? Hindi naman siguro masama. Jhoanna shakes her head—this is exactly the line of thinking that led them here. Ang hirap kapag may gusto s’yang gawin pero hindi naman n’ya magawa. It’s just sad really and it frustrates her—the constant walking on egg shells, tiptoeing around each other.

Jhoanna’s sigh of relief soon turned into a sigh of sadness, her eyes slowly pooling with tears. She recalls the last conversation they had. Colet wanted it to stop when it hasn’t even begun in the first place. But she respects Colet’s decision—kahit masakit. God, Jhoanna thinks. Ito na ba ‘yung heart break? ‘Cause if you’re going to ask Jhoanna, this isn’t how she expected her first heart break to be.

Jhoanna rarely feels this. She is what she considers to be a rookie at heartbreak. She doesn’t know how to deal with it so she masks it with goofiness and jokes.

A part of her wishes na sana sinabi nalang ni Colet na mahal n’ya pa si Maloi—na hindi pa s’ya nakaka-move on. Although, Jhoanna isn’t totally ruling it out. Whatever happened between them was really ugly that Colet is still carrying it up to now. Kaya sana ganun nalang yung sinabi sa kanya ni Colet. Hindi yung ganito, she knows they both feel—felt something electric between them, pero wala s’yang magawa.

Jhoanna wonders how long they will still be like this—like two ticking bombs stuck in a barrel, ready to explode anytime. Is there a way around this?

She takes in a deep breath, fanning the tears forming on her eyes with her hand. She needs to get a grip and honor their recent agreement. They are friends—noting more, nothing less.

And that’s why as soon as she hears Colet enter the bathroom to shower, she immediately shoots a text to Aiah. Friends can take care of each other. She’s sure of it now.

Jho [9:17am]: Ate Aiah, may hot compress ka ba somewhere here sa unit? Namimilipit kasi si Col sa sakit ng puson.

One thing Jhoanna loves about Aiah is that she is always a text away—always. No matter what time of the day it is, Aiah always replies. She also chronically on her phone so…

Ate Aiah [9:18am]: check mo dun sa bed side table ko bebe andon ata, saksak mo lang then wait mawala yung ilaw

Jho [9:18am]: Thanks, Ate. <3

Jhoanna scurries off the kitchen bar stool and bolts to the direction of the bed room. Colet showers for approximately twenty minutes—not that she’s keeping track—so she has time. Pero shempre, for the dramatics, of course tatakbo s’ya. She gets a hold of the gray colored hot compress and plugs it in para painitin na. She also races to the kitchen to ransack the medicine cabinet to get the four hundred milligram ibuprofen.

Once she got the supplies, she places it on top of Colet’s bed in front of Remus. Hearing the shower still running, Jhoanna did a celebratory dance for a job well done. She plops on top of the bed and holds Remus’ hands. “Alagaan mo mama mo ah. Galingan mo magcuddle, di na ko pwede dito eh…” Jhoanna says pouting.

She gets off Colet’s bed and fixes her clothes. That’ll do for now. She knows she wants to love Colet, take care of her and make sure she’s constantly okay. But for now talaga, pasimple lang muna lahat.

As a self-proclaimed Dory the fish, Jhoanna finds herself always forgetting about their recent pack. One time, they were both already preparing for bed, Jhoanna dressed in her green silk night gown and Colet still fussing over her dresser, the younger girl walks into the direction of Colet’s bed and almost lays down. Nasanay na rin kasi s’ya na dun s’ya dumidiretso pagkatapos mag-shower sa gabi. Thankfully, nakatalikod si Colet at hindi n’ya nakita yung katangahan ni Jhoanna.

Don’t take it out on her if she’s already memorized Colet’s daily routine. Araw-araw ba naman silang magkasama. Is it weird that she’s memorized that Colet’s alarm always goes off at exactly six thirty in the morning? That even so, she always presses snooze and still sleeps for five minutes? And after that five-minute snooze, Colet has another alarm for seven a.m. because in between those moments, she checks her emails, messages and scrolls so she can properly wake up.

After the seven-a.m. alarm, Colet gets up to shower and by eight she’s already in front of her desk. It never fails to put Jhoanna in awe the kind of discipline Colet has.

And now that Jhoanna has a job, nasasabayan n’ya na si Colet sa paggising ng maaga. Or she uses it as an excuse to get up early so she can cook breakfast for her. She knows Colet has a hard time remembering her meal schedule despite following her study routine religiously. And so, kahit nine a.m. pa ang in ni Jhoanna sa trabaho, she gets up at seven to cook breakfast and prepare coffee for them while Colet showers.

Kumikirot pa rin ‘yung puso n’ya mostly because she misses being held by the girl—her fresh woody scent, how warm it feels like when she’s tucked under her chin. Jhoanna could only sigh. Crying, sulking and being bitter about it will not do anything. And so as hard as it is, she tries to move forward and focus on what she really came here to do.

Jhoanna tries to keep a positive attitude about it even though nag-uusap nalang sila kapag tinatanong n’ya si Colet kung ano ang gusto nitong kainin for lunch or dinner. She tries to focus on her new gig and wants to celebrate the fact that she’s landed a job that’s related to her finished degree. Although, she’s still working on her demo para ready s’ya in case magkaroon ng opening sa malalaking stations.

Her focus to keep a positive attitude is put to a test when Colet stops waking up at six thirty and completely obliterates her entire routine. Jhoanna attempts to not overthink it but she thinks she’s already there. Colet must have noticed how Jhoanna wraps her schedule around hers in order to do something nice for her.

Mali ba? Hindi ba dapat?

Jhoanna sulks as she opens a can of coke in the middle of her scheme to devour an entire bag of chips. Tama, i-kain n’ya nalang lahat ng nararamdaman n’ya. Kung ayaw ni Colet maalagaan bahala s’ya.

Jhoanna was able to fill her days but she cannot outrun the thoughts of Colet and their friendship pact—if there is one. Because even though they agreed to be friends, Colet is back to pretending she does not exist. Or baka s’ya lang ‘yung assuming? Baka busy lang talaga si Colet. Honestly, Jhoanna doesn’t know anymore. One thing’s for sure however, Colet’s treatment towards her changed a significant amount. And at this point, Jhoanna already believes that there is nothing else she could do.

“Asan na ba ‘yung hoodie ko…” Jhoanna grunts, putting her hands on her waist as she tries to recall where she last put her UPLB hoodie at.

“Di ko alam.”

She hears Colet from the other side of the room. Surprised that Colet is talking to her, Jhoanna turns around.

“Ay ‘wag mo kong pansinin.” Like you’ve done the past couple of days. “Kinakausap ko lang ‘yung sarili ko…” Jhoanna tries to play it down, turning her attention to her messy bed once more, trying so hard to recall if she’s already sent it out to laundry.

“San mo ba huling nilagay?” Colet asks.

“Hindi ko nga maalala…” Jhoanna says with a shrug, trying not to panic at the thought of Colet continuing their conversation. Although she’s almost sure na sa bed n’ya lang ‘yun nilagay.

“Gus…” Colet starts, mumbling to herself. “Tulungan kita maghanap?”

Jhoanna exhales, doing her utmost effort in trying to decipher why Colet wants to have a conversation now. What does she know?

“Oks lang.” Jhoanna tries to be as nonchalant as she can. “Madami pa naman akong ibang hoodie. Baka naiwan ko lang sa kabila. Lilitaw din ‘yun.”

Jhoanna doesn’t hear anything after that. She walks out of their shared bedroom and then goes on to spend the rest of her afternoon hanging out with Stacey.

Although, sigurado nga s’ya na hindi n’ya naman nilabas ‘yun.

An entire week has passed since their friendship pact and Jhoanna has slightly felt better about it. Thanks to Stacey, Gwen and Sheena. Medyo masakit parin kasi kahit friends ang usapan nila, hindi parin naman sila nag-uusap ng matino. And Colet is back to pretending like she doesn’t exist. She isn’t rude to her. She acknowledges naman Jhoanna when they’re in the same room but other than that, wala na. No meaningful conversations, not even a good night before bed or good morning when they wake up—nothing.

At least during her off days, she gets to spend time with the three girls in the other unit. Pero ngayon nasa unit sila nila Jhoanna because they booked a deep cleaning service. Walang choice si Jhoanna kundi i-accommodate sa unit nila ‘tong tatlong maiingay na ‘to—well, dalawa lang pala. Gwen is an angel.

“Wala ba kayong chismis jan?” Sheena asks, breaking the silence as the four of them hung out in the living area. “Bukod sa pagdurusa ni Ate Jho ah, nakakapagod na ‘yon pagusapan.”

Jhoanna grabs one of the couch pillows and throws it at Sheena’s direction. “Ingay ng bibig mo, Sheena Mae. Andon lang s’ya sa kwarto…”

Sheena gives her older cousin an apologetic look, covering her own mouth. “Di naman siguro n’ya tayo maririnig.” She whispers.

“Iba nalang pag-usapan…” Gwen joins in to whisper.

“Iba nga gusto ko pag-usapan!” Sheena responds.

“Wag n’yo nalang kasing banggitin.” It was Stacey’s turn to butt in.

Jhoanna gives Stacey a nod. “Buti pa si Staku…”

Sheena mocks Jhoanna making a face at her. “Buti pa si Staku.” The younger girl teases. “Ibang chismis nga hanap ko.”

Just in time, Jhoanna’s phone buzzes. Aiah had texted her that they will be stopping by to get some clothes. Jhoanna reads Aiah’s text telling her that they’re already on the way up to the unit. She replies with a heart emoji. It was safe to say that the unit will be full of people tonight.

The three girls bicker and fall into a conversation about the gossip in their university. Jhoanna could care less, but she thinks it’s better to be surrounded by people than be alone with her roommate—na hindi na s’ya pinapansin.

It makes Jhoanna wonder if Colet is also struggling to figure out how them being friends work—their idea of such being the exact opposite, with Jhoanna over caring and Colet not giving a single damn at all. It’s an uncomfortable feeling more than it is painful—sometimes. But there’s no way around it.

The door swinging open snatches Jhoanna away from her thoughts thankfully. She doesn’t wanna spiral yet again.

“Hi girls.” Aiah greets, meeting her eyes first. She sees the sympathy in Aiah’s eyes.

“Hi Ate Aiah.” The four girls say in unison.

“No greeting for me?” Mikha teases.

Jhoanna chuckles, her heart finding comfort at the thought of these two always being attached at the hip. At least someone’s love life is thriving.

“Busy pa kami magchismisan.” Sheena answers. “Sobrang boring dito, my god.”

“I agree.” Mikha responds. “Labas naman tayo.”

It’s like Aiah never runs out of stern looks to give her girlfriend. It’s weird because every time Mikha is here palagi nalang dapat may ganap.

“Come on, bub.” She encourages. “We need to celebrate.” She pouts.

Aiah turns to face the red-haired girl, flicking her nose softly. “Anong i-cecelebrate, hmm?”

Mikha turns to Jhoanna, who innocently tunes in. “Well…Jhoanna’s got a new job?”

The girls let out a collective WOO! And it wasn’t long until Jhoanna is shushing them because they might disturb Colet who is peacefully studying in the bedroom.

“Kung ano man ‘yang naiisip mo, Miks. Pass ako jan.” Jhoanna says. “Bawal mag-ingay na dito. Hirap na hirap na nga ako magpatahimik sa dalawa na ‘to ng sober sila tapos lalasingin mo pa.” Jhoanna says, remembering what Colet said na h’wag parating sakyan lahat ng trips ni Mikha.

Jhoanna internally groans, ‘eto na naman s’ya sa pag-iisip kay Colet. Remembering that she suddenly needs the distraction, Jhoanna is tempted to take Mikha’s offer. It’s a Friday night, what could go wrong?

“Pre-game lang tayo dito.” Mikha offers. “Then I know a guy who can hook us up a table sa Pobla.”

The three girls look at each other, hesitating.

“Ako g ako. Wala akong klase bukas.” Sheena was the first one to say yes.

Jhoanna could tell Stacey is hesitant and Gwen, well if Sheena’s in then Gwen is too. These two girls are also attached at the hip.

“Ako pass.” Stacey says, casually scrolling on her phone, undeniably bored. “May klase ako ng eight a.m. bukas I need to be in bed by nine para sa beauty sleep ko.” She adds, closing her eyes and putting a hand under her chin to emphasize.

A small part of Jhoanna is sad Stacey does not wanna join them. She’s grown rather fond of the girl—in a super platonic, best friend type of way. Which, to compare with her fondness towards Colet, is different because it’s easy for her to say those words about Stacey. She doesn’t worry if she’s caring too much because she knows it’s one pure platonic love. With Colet, however, she cannot say the same.

And that’s why even though she hasn’t been to a bar in Poblacion—never been to an actual bar with a DJ and that full on thing, she’s sort of excited to let her hair loose and forget tonight.

“Sama ka Gwen, ah.” Mikha says to which the short haired girl nodded without hesitation. “I’ll drive us nalang, I won’t be drinking. I promise.”

“Wait!” Jhoanna jumps in. “Magpaalam muna kayo d’un.” She asks Mikha, pointing to the direction of the bedroom. “..Na magp-pregame dito.”

“Ako na bahala kay Col.” Mikha reassures. “Plus, tatlo kayong nag-rerent dito. Kuha na natin yung two out three votes. Wala na yan s’ya magagawa.”

Jhoanna shakes her head at the red-haired girl’s persistence.

They ended up buying two bottles of GSM Mojito. They’re drinking it unmixed and only with Sprite as chaser because according to Mikha, mas madali daw tumama. Para lang makatipid din sila pagdating ng Pobla. Jhoanna doesn’t remember when Colet joined in their circle. Hindi naman s’ya lasing, she’s sure of it. Pero parang bigla nalang nag-pop out si Colet out of nowhere. She tries to steal a glance, her heart fluttering at the sight of Colet still in her comfy study outfit—cream hoodie and her sliver specs, hair up in one pony tail.

They’re having idle discussion about which bars they’re going to get into. Mikha’s already secured them a table at a bar called Almacen, but Sheena and Gwen still wants to try to get into other bars. Feeling braver because she has the alcohol to blame it to, Jhoanna stares deeply into Colet, who she thinks is trying her hardest not to look at her as well.

Aiah’s hand running up her back distracts her. “You okay, Jho?”

She looks at Aiah at once and returns her look back to Colet, who is joined in a conversation with Gwen. “Opo, Ate.”

Jhoanna knows it’s a lie. Ang sakit. Ang sakit palang makaramdam ng pagmamahal sa taong hindi mo p’wedeng mahalin.

She shakes her head. This is just the alcohol thinking, Jho. Rise above this.

Umiikot na ‘yung tagay and Jhoanna cannot recall kung kanino na but as soon as she sees the shot glass, she makes a go at it, pouring all its contents down her throat. Damn, she needed that.

“Lah si Ate Jho, lasing na ata. Aking tagay yun eh.” Sheena protests.

Jhoanna shakes her head. “Akin na yon.” She hears another protest from Sheena but she could care less. She falls on Aiah’s shoulder and the older girl accommodates her by propping her head on top of Jhoanna’s.

By the time they opened the second bottle, the girls are already getting ready—slipping into their best walwalan outfit and putting on makeup. Jhoanna thinks that Mikha has taken this opportunity to just hand drinks to anyone without keeping track whose turn it is.

Jhoanna opted to put on a chartreuse knitted top that showed off a little bit of her skin, paired with a black skin tight leather pants. She actually debated losing the glasses tonight and just putting on contacts. But she thinks the frames of her thick black glasses complimented her outfit really well. Twirling in front of the mirror, she’s pretty proud of what she’s put on.

In choosing this particular top, she thought that it might compliment her skin tone well. Also, shempre she’s gonna show off skin because she hears a little someone decided to go with them to the bar last minute.

She starts to put on make-up alongside Aiah in front of the mirror in the living room. For a moment, she was worried about the outcome of the older girl’s make up. Medyo susuray suray na kasi s’ya sa harap ng salamin. She gives Aiah a concerned look.

“Don’t worry, babes.” Aiah reassures. “I’ve done this a million times already. Go start your own makeup.”

Jhoanna smiles.

“Nice top, by the way.” Aiah gives her a teasing smirk, which Jhoanna returned.

Jhoanna starts to put on her own makeup carefully. She stops halfway thru because what she saw in the reflection nearly made her gag.

It her—it’s Colet dressed in a black sleeveless top, her signature beanie still sits on top of her head and she’s wearing loose jeans. Sa sobrang pogi Jhoanna almost choked on her own saliva. She knows it’s going to be hard to resist doing something about the painful butterflies in her stomach tonight but at least if it comes down to it, Jhoanna knows she can just blame it on the alcohol.

Mikha handing her a shot pulls her back to reality. She takes the shot and downs it in one go. She could just hope and pray to God na hindi s’ya masyadong malasing tonight.

The car ride to Población was not quiet, to say the least.

They have Aiah on the passenger tapos silang apat nagsiksikan sa likod ng honda civic ni Miks.

Si Aiah and Sheena ‘yung mostly tinarget during the pregame and Jhoanna could say na medyo buzzed na talaga sila. At least Aiah is a chill drunk—tamang tawa lang, nilalandi si Miks every now and then.

Sheena, however—Jhoanna considered na iwan nalang si Sheena sa condo kasi nga may tama na talaga. But the younger girl doesn’t wanna be left alone. At least, Gwen’s here to drunk sit Sheena. Medyo kampante na si Jho na kaya n’ya bantayan si Sheena. She’s here to support her though, she wants Gwen to have fun din.

Jhoanna isn’t drunk—despite her being a lightweight. Siguro mind over matter lang. Also, mahirap isugal ngayon because last time she got drunk, she fell into Colet’s bed. It isn’t going to happen this time around. Jhoanna swears to herself.

Hindi n’ya rin sure kung bakit sumama si Colet. She knows free cut naman s’ya bukas, but Colet doesn’t join in stuff like this. She’d much rather put her energy into something more relevant.

But Jhoanna thinks that if she’s going to question why Colet came with them tonight, macoconsume na naman nito ang oras n’ya. And so she lets it be.

They arrived at Poblacion in one piece—thankfully. She’s trusting Mikha’s promise that she won’t be getting drunk tonight. They found parking near the church and it was at least a five-minute walk to Almacen. Jhoanna tagged along with Mikha and Aiah—never mind the thought na third wheel s’ya.

Once they reach the bar, they paid the one-thousand-peso consumable door charge and entered the cramped place. It’s a nice bar, airconditioned naman. Pero sobrang daming tao. It doesn’t help na Friday night din. Jhoanna doesn’t do well with a crowdy place. Given her small frame, it’s easy to get lost and squished.

“Kapit-kapit.” Mikha instructs as she led the herd to brave the crowd to find the table that they have reserved.

Jhoanna holds on to Aiah and reaches out her other hand for Sheena to take. Knowing that Sheena is going to take it, she starts to walk forward. Her breath hitches because it wasn’t Sheena who took her hand but her roommate. And Colet marches forward to be by Jhoanna’s side so she can push people to the side. Jhoanna gives her a puzzled look. What is Colet doing? Why is she doing this?

She tries not to think about it too much.

They reach the table in no time.

“JC?” Mikha asks, stepping closer to her because the bass of the music is booming in their ears.

“Ano yon?” She mouths.

“Tequila!” Mikha replies.

Jhoanna tries to make out what she’s saying but to no avail.

“Ako na bahala.” Mikha says—that Jhoanna understood. And so, she nods.

To Jhoanna’s right, she can already see Sheena and Gwen dancing. On the other side, naglalandian naman si Mikha saka si Aiah. Hindi n’ya rin sinasadyang mapatingin kay Colet, who she caught is staring at her also. Jhoanna pokes her cheek with her tongue, she’s already starting to regret her decision to come.

Thankfully, the alcohol they ordered came. As it turns out Jose Cuervo pala ‘yung sinasabi ni Mikha kanina na JC, which is a tequila. Jhoanna volunteers to facilitate the drink pouring. Six shot glasses also came along with a bowl of lemon cuts.

It seems that Jhoanna is just getting in and out of the drunken state and her longing and pining for her roommate who is very much here and very attractive, is getting a little too hard to handle. And so, she pours as many shots of tequila on her throat as she can—hoping that maybe the uncomfortable pain that she’s feeling would lessen a little.

Jhoanna doesn’t know how many shots she’s had already. All she knows is that her world is spinning. She spots Mikha and Aiah making out near the center pole, Sheena and Gwen are cuddling on the couch. The DJ is playing a remix of Thru These Tears by Lany and Jhoanna? She is getting braver by the minute.

She walks shakily towards Colet—because well, she can blame it on JC. She’s been standing near their table keeping an eye on everyone.

Jhoanna slurs. If she’s being completely honest, her face feels numb. And she misses the feeling of pressing it against Colet’s neck.

The older girl catches her just when her knees are about to give up.

“Oop!” She giggles. “Di ako lasing, promise.” She smiles giving Colet a sheepish smile. “Tipsy lang. Konti lang.”

Colet supports her weight by holding on to Jhoanna’s elbows. God, did she miss that touch.

Jhoanna pushes her face forward to say something to the older girl’s ear. She takes a whiff of that familiar scent that she’s been absolutely obsessed with and suddenly she feels like she’s drunker than she is. She lets her breath ghost over Colet’s ear.

“Buti sumama ka.”

Colet takes a look at her. It isn’t masked with anything except with concern. She’s trying to check if Jhoanna isn’t as wasted. After a while, she pulls in Jhoanna to whisper something on her ear as well.

Jhoanna nearly shivers at the motion—getting a taste of her own medicine. Her head spins.

“Free cut ako tomorrow. Saka para malabas din.”

Jhoanna doesn’t have anything to respond to that. Thankfully, the song comes to its chorus. She starts jumping to the beat of the remix trying to hype Colet up as well.

Every day I let go just a little bit more

The younger girl sing-shouts.

In the end, I'm gonna be alright

But it might take a hundred sleepless nights

To make the memories of you disappear

But right now, I can't see nothing through these tears

She feels someone pulling her to the dancefloor. Turning around shakily, she sees that it’s Sheena and Gwen. That’s right—if Colet isn’t going to dance with her, someone else will.

Jhoanna doesn’t know how long she’s been dancing with Sheena and Gwen. Hours can turn into minutes when she’s letting loose like this. The night is young and she guesses na pa-peak pa lang yung party soon. And so even though her lungs feel like it’s gonna burst out of her chest, she continues singing and dancing.

Jhoanna isn’t sure but she guesses is nearing two a.m. when a group of boys started huddling behind them. She’s noticed them staring actually ever since they came but doesn’t pay them any mind. But now that they’re actually hovering just behind them, Jhoanna would be dumb not to actually notice one of them eyeing her.

Medyo bumaba narin ulit ‘yung lasing n’ya. She’s just a little giddy.

One of the guys—curly hair, braces and dimples—approaches Mikha and whispers something to her ear. They’re motioning for Jhoanna to come closer and so Jhoanna complies. She doesn’t know why either but she just does.

She comes to Mikha and asks her what’s up. Mikha has a huge shit-eating grin on her face.

“They’re asking if okay lang makilala ka nung tropa nila.” Mikha says. “Yung guy kanina is my friend from a class. Mukhang type ka yata ni Ads.”

Ads? What a funny name. Jhoanna nearly snorts in laughter.

Her senses come back to her though because in her peripherals, she sees Colet’s form already hovering on her right. She’s watching the exchange.

Jhoanna smirks. Can she actually put on a show for Colet? Her smug smile grows larger. The theme of the night is: Blame It On The Alcohol.

She gives Mikha a small nod and by this point she can already feel Colet’s stare burning a hole at the side of her head. She has to be—needs to be sure the girl is watching this. And so slowly, she meets Colet’s gaze.

Man, if looks could kill Jhoanna would be a dead man.

Jhoanna taunts Colet with a smirk, not exactly knowing where her courage is coming from—alcohol again, probably.

She sees Mikha whisper something to curly guy before curly guy came back with a tall, average-built guy in a semi-wolf cut hair style with curtain bangs. Jhoanna almost furrows her eyebrows because this guy isn’t what she is expecting to come. He looks so different from the herd of men he came from—which ultimately looked like when God copied and pasted fratboys. This one actually looks sweet. He’s wearing a sage green button down, sleeves folded just below his elbows.

“Hi.” The guy says, extending out a hand to Jhoanna. “Adrian. But my friends call me Adie.”

Jhoanna’s mouth formed into an o. So that’s where Ads came from.

“Am I your friend?” Jhoanna starts the banter.

“I hope so.” The guy replies, earning a giggle from Jhoanna. “Are you gonna give me your name? I’m one of the good ones, you can ask Miks.”

Honestly, Jhoanna doesn’t know a single thing anymore. This is her first time in a real actual party bar—her first time being hit on in said bar. Taking a good look at him, the guy is actually good-looking, cute even. He also looks like the type na magsusumbong sa daddy kapag naapi s’ya dito sa bar tapos yung daddy naman bibilin ‘yung buong bar.

Biting her lip, she hesitates if she’s going to give her real name. “Tin.” She takes his hand. Soft.

Adie smiles at her and Jhoanna returns his smile.

Jhoanna learned during the past hour or so that Adie is a multimedia major and that his father is a talent manager—or something. Hindi rin sure si Jhoanna kasi sobrang lakas talaga ng music and it’s hard to actually have a conversation. Judging from the way he talks mukhang okay naman s’ya and so when Adie asked for her instragram account, she gave it to him. Jhoanna also takes note that he might have connections that will get her into the industry.

They’ve mostly been drinking and vibing. He isn’t too forward—doesn’t give her inappropriate touches, only smiles when he looks at her and that’s why Jhoanna felt like it’s okay to put her guar down a little.

It has been nice talking to him. For a short while, naalis yung isip n’ya kay Colet at sa cha cha nila. She has to admit, at first her goal was just to get on Colet’s last nerve. But he’s been nice—may konting ere but just the right amount. That’s why when he hands her a drink, she takes it.

She knows it could be dangerous but whatever temporary comfort this guy is offering is better than to endure another emotional suffering with Colet.

Jhoanna automatically slows down at the thought of the girl. The past week of non-communication has been hell—she wishes Colet could just talk to her. Without thinking about it, Jhoanna searches for Colet in the sea of hot, sweaty bodies. Not finding her, Jhoanna blinks, turning her attention to the drink.

“You okay?” Adie asks.

“Ye…Yes.” She says still scanning the room in a last effort to look for Colet.

Defeated, Jhoanna throws her head back to pour the shot onto her throat. It’s a different kind of liquor because the taste burns differently. She isn’t sure what is it though.

Adie leans forward, whispering something to her ear. “Do you wanna get out of here so we can talk properly?”

Jhoanna’s head spins, slowly blinking.

Adie hold out his hand for Jhoanna to take and Jhoanna doesn’t know if it’s the buzz from the recent drink she’s had or just the overall atmosphere in the bar, but her world slows down. Her head is spinning like crazy and before she could move to take the guy’s hand, something pulls her behind from her elbow.

She turns around slowly, seeing a familiar set of eyes.

“Jho…” Colet calls. “Uwi na tayo.”

Chapter Text

“Jho, uwi na tayo.” Colet says, her grip on the younger girl’s elbow firm.

Jhoanna gives her a slow blink, an indication that the last glass of liquor that she poured on her throat really did a number on her sobriety. Whatever the guy handed to her was strong. Colet isn’t sure either if the drink was spiked and so she cannot just speculate. Truth be told it was hard to see from where she was hiding if the guy actually put something in the drink. All she knows is that taking a drink from strangers is dangerous.

Colet tries to give Jhoanna her pleading eyes—hoping and praying that the younger girl just trusts her.

“Hey.”

Colet hears the guy behind Jhoanna say. She tries her best to be civil despite the fact that she’s contemplating bloody murder for the past hour or so that they’ve been dancing. She wasn’t planning to intervene hadn’t the guy actually made a move to take Jhoanna elsewhere. She was fine just being on the sidelines, theorizing what kind of criminal offenses she may face if she decides to murder the guy right here, right now. All she’s been seeing is red, despite the dim lighting inside the bar.

It's inevitable not to think about what she could be doing right now had she decided not to come. Wala naman kasi talaga s’yang planong sumama sa inuman. Oo, free cut s’ya bukas. But she would much rather spend the time resting at home, putting on a movie or something. But when she found out na lalabas pala—magpaparty, sayawan. Colet isn’t innocent to think na walang mga landian na mangyayari.

Lalo nung nakita n’ya na kung ano ‘yung susuotin ni Jhoanna—jusko, napailing nalang talaga s’ya ng ulo. She’s in for a treat.

So, something inside her stirs thinking about the fact that other people might hit on Jhoanna. The girl can move. After all, it’s really how she got Colet. It’s like Jhoanna turns into a different woman whenever she dances. The silly, innocent girl becomes a seductive siren—female fatale, a temptress.

It makes Colet wonder if Jhoanna is really as innocent as she plays out to be. It isn’t a bad thing at all. But it astonishes Colet how the girl knows exactly how to batt her eyelashes whenever they’re stuck in a banter, just how to make her breath linger over Colet’s neck whenever she’s close to whisper something, the type of clothes to wear to show just the right amount skin, how to look at Colet when she’s swaying her hips in a particular way.

And now she knows other people are paying attention to her as well. But when the guy hands Jhoanna a different drink, Colet thought that it was time to take home what’s hers. It’s over. It was a nice try, bonjing guy. Plus, Jhoanna’s had her fun already. It’s time to go home.

She steps closer to the guy. He towers over her short height but Colet couldn’t give one single fuck. “I’m taking her home.” She says, stepping away before he could protest. She intertwines her hand with Jhoanna and together they brave the crowd to look for the rest of the girls.

Surprisingly, Jhoanna follows without much restraint. Colet guides her to the direction of their table.

“Uwi na kami.” She says to Mikha. Basing from her initial reaction, Colet could tell the redhaired girl didn’t like the idea. But she nods anyway. At least Mikha knows when to back down. “Pa-book ng grab.”

She’s still holding Jhoanna by hand, who she guesses is stuck in a daze. Colet takes this chance to guide them outside. Of course, without forgetting to secure Jhoanna’s phone, making sure she hasn’t lost it. While they excuse themselves in the sea of people, she feels the phone buzzing in her hand. At this point Colet couldn’t care less about the world. All she has on her mind is to get her—get Jhoanna out of this place.

Once they reach the entrance of the building, Colet texts Mikha to follow up on the grab booking. Fortunately, mabilis lang naman ‘yung booking. A driver had already accepted the booking and but he is still ten minutes away from the place. She feels Jhoanna tug at their intertwined hands.

“What’s the matter…why are we outside?” Jhoanna slurs.

“Uuwi na tayo.” She says simply. There she is again with her questions.

“Why?” Jhoanna tries to get her hand away from Colet this time. “Okay pa ko…”

“You’re clearly not okay.”

Buzz. Buzz.

Colet gets distracted by the constant buzzing in Jhoanna’s phone. She takes quick peak at the screen, seeing a message request from instragram. Apparently, the guy’s name is Adie, and he’s still asking where Jhoanna is. Colet scoffs. What a lame ass fucking name. If you’re gonna get chicks drunk in clubs so you can take them home you have to at least to be good-looking. This guy looked like if Donatello the ninja turtle did crystal meth. Sobrang baduy ng style.

Jhoanna trying to get away from her grip pulls her back to reality.

“Jhoanna, stop.”

“Why?”

“Okay na.” Colet says with firmly. She’s trying to be discreet. Ayaw n’yang magmukha silang magjowang nag-aaway in public. Sobrang nakakahiya. Buti rin hindi naman masyadong malakas yung boses ni Jhoanna—for now.

“Okay na?”

“Yes, Jhoanna. Okay na. You’ve succeeded already.”

“Ha?” Jhoanna says, raising her voice a little. Colet tries to shush her down. “What do you mean okay na?”

Colet pulls Jhoanna closer in a desperate attempt to be discreet. She really hates it when other people make a scene in public. “Come on, Jho.” She whispers, checking if other people are tuned into their conversation. “Let’s not pretend here.” She stares directly into Jhoanna eyes and then to her lips. “You are doing all that just to make me feel jealous, right? Well, okay na.” Colet swallows. She cannot think straight when their faces are this close to each other. It’s like fucking word vomit at this point. “Good job. Nagseselos na ko.”

Jhoanna pulls away, a look of disbelief in her face.

“Kaya uuwi na tayo.” Colet says with finality.

Jhoanna swats away Colet’s hand, catching the older girl by surprise. “So you can ignore me again? No thanks, Col. I think I’ll stay. Ingat ka pauwi.” Jhoanna deadpans.

Colet is caught like deer in the headlights. This is a new side of Jhoanna that she’s just getting to see now. It’s an oddly euphoric feeling—unravelling the girl’s layers. Colet pants, not knowing exactly what to say. She knows Jhoanna is right. Mahigit isang linggo na halos silang hindi nagpapansinan. Kasi naman—ang hirap hirap. Sobrang hirap magpanggap na gusto n’yang maging kaibigan ni Jhoanna when in reality she wants to be something more. There’s no fucking self-help manual for this. It’s either she figures it out or not. And so, she just pushed it down.

“I—” She starts, but nothing comes out.

“What?”

Colet releases a huge breath, pinching the bridge of her nose. Fuck. Listening to the sound of her breaths, Colet turns soft. She opens her eyes and zooms in on Jhoanna’s features—searching for something—a sign that it’s gonna be okay—anything.

“This is my chance, Colet.” Jhoanna says, apparently becoming sober by the minute. “It’s my chance to make friends—make connections, so I can finally start doing what I came here for.”

At this point, they are now fully arguing and getting attention, but Colet can only think of Jhoanna.

“I’m sorry.” She apologizes.

“Why are you ruining this for me?!”

It’s unfair, Colet knows it. Jhoanna’s right. S’ya ‘yung mali. And to think Jhoanna has been patient with her ever since—giving her space kapag kailangan n’ya so she can focus on school, taking care of her during times na nakakalimutan n’ya nang alagaan yung sarili n’ya. She is actively making heaven and earth meet just so Colet could feel comfortable, well understood—well taken care of.

“Ano?” Jhoanna taunts. “Kung wala ka nang sasabihin, I’m going inside.”

For minute Colet thought about kissing Jhoanna. It might just be the frustration thinking, but she knows she has to do something—anything to make Jhoanna stay. She stops herself however, because, well, she knows it’ll be Jhoanna’s first kiss. And when that happens, Colet wants it to come from a place of pure, unadulterated love. Something that isn’t rushed nor coerced. No hint of desperation nor vanity—just genuine, undiluted adoration. Simply said, Jhoanna’s first kiss should be someone who loves her deeply. And even though she does—most likely—love Jhoanna, she knows that If she does it know, it will come from any place but love.  

Colet’s tears start to pool in her eyes. Fuck, damn, shit. This isn’t the right time and place for this.

It’s only one of two choices. It’s either she lets Jhoanna walk away now, with a possibility of losing her permanently or she could be a decision maker. And she thinks she doesn’t want to learn things the hard way. Bu the fear in her heart still lingers and it’s getting louder and louder.

“Jho…” She starts, blinking the tears away from her eyes. “Please.” She pleads, her voice laced with desperation.

Jhoanna’s features soften making Colet exhale the breath she is holding.

“Ano bang gusto mo?” Colet offers, clearing her throat. She wipes the small droplets of tears that formed on her eyes before Jhoanna could, not wanting to feel sorry for herself for crying. “Drinks? We can stop by the seven eleven malapit sa condo building if you want.”

Jhoanna nods, interlocking their hands. She runs a hand over Colet’s shoulder, the older girl settling into it. A pang of guilt washes over Colet, she didn’t mean to cry in front of Jhoanna like that.

Colet looks over Jhoanna’s back through the glass walls of the Seven Eleven in their apartment building, zoning out in the line at the cashier. She’s seated at the bench just outside, watching the trucks pass by in the near highway. It’s nearing four in the morning and soon, the sun will rise. She blinks the fatigue away as she shifts her stance, gripping safely the two bottles of Smirnoff mule that she is about to pay for.

Colet bites her lip in anxiety, thinking about when realization hit her like a big, ugly, yellow school bus. She’s still in the denial stage. For some reason, she found it hard to believe that seeing Jhoanna dancing with someone else was her call to wake the fuck up. It’s feeling closely similar to when someone pours ice cold water over her head. It’s selfish and greedy because well, hindi naman sila. Technically speaking, wala talaga s’yang karapatan.

That’s why as she grips the cold bottle of liquor in her hand, she’s determined to make things right this time. Mahirap mag-commit at mahirap magmahal—pero mas mahirap pa lang makita si Jhoanna na may kasamang iba.

As soon as she’s paid for the bottles, she walks outside to settle next to Jhoanna, handing the younger girl her own bottle.

Colet joins Jhoanna in staring into the cars and trucks that pass by. It’s relaxing, she doesn’t blame her. They sat comfortably in silence, just casually sipping on their respective bottles of mule. Nobody talked. Colet’s heart settles, thinking about how selfless and unconditional it is—to share the silence when words aren’t needed. These are the moments that she feels most loved—most understood by Jhoanna.

She closes her eyes, trying to stay in peace before she says anything that will ruin it. But still, she knows it’s time to be completely honest with Jhoanna—kahit sobrang nakakatakot. It’s time to tell the truth. She’s put them in enough agony already.

“I’m guessing you have questions.” Colet starts.

“Oo. Pero gusto kong marinig kung ano lang ‘yung ready kang pag-usapan.” Jhoanna responds softly. “We can take things slow, Col. Unti-unti…”

Colet nods. This is what they should have done in the first place.

And so, with a deep breath, Colet starts talking. “I’m sorry about everything, Jho. I’m sorry I’m shit at dealing with things. I’m sorry I’m shit at being your friend—about making you feel like you’re important to me.”

Colet takes a swig of her mule for courage.

“The truth is, I push you away because I’m scared. Hindi ko na kayang masaktan ulit, Jho. After Maloi nawalan talaga ko ng tiwala sa mga tao. You see, she was my first everything…” Colet trails off, looking at Jhoanna. Jhoanna returns Colet gaze, something that comforts the older girl. “…first time kong magmahal na tanggap ko kung sino ‘yung taong mahal ko.” She says. “I don’t know if that makes sense. And so I thought, it was going smoothly. I came out to my mom—at kahit na hindi n’ya kami tanggap, okay lang sakin. Okay kami, promise. Pinaglaban ko s’ya sa lahat, hindi ako natakot na hawakan ‘yung kamay n’ya sa harap ng maraming tao. Kaya siguro na-blindside ako. Hindi ko inexpect na gan’on na pala ‘yung nararamdaman n’ya.”

Colet tries to collect herself. She isn’t bitter or anything because she’s moved on but the pain that she’s suffered in the aftermath still stayed with her.

“Bigla n’ya na lang akong iniwan kasi daw nakakasagabal ‘yung relasyon namin sa pag-aaral ko. And the worst part is, I only found out through a letter. Hindi n’ya ko hinarap or kinausap. I didn’t stand a chance.”

She could tell Jhoanna is listening, and honestly wala na rin naman nang salita ang makakapagbago ng sitwasyon, so Colet isn’t exactly expecting anything. She notes however, na sa una lang naman pala mahirap mag-open up.

She then proceeds to tell her how she learned how to love herself after—para hindi na s’ya kung saan-saan naghahanap ng pagmamahal at atensyon. Everything that Colet is doing right now is for her future, so she does not feel unsafe or unworthy anymore. The truth is, there’s a certain kind of fulfillment that Colet only gets from exceling at law school. And so even though her entire life is practically put on hold because of it—the sacrifices, sleepless nights, flunked and passed recits—everything, she endures.

Anger and pain were something that she felt when Maloi left her, but Colet didn’t—couldn’t hate Maloi for thinking about Colet’s future when Colet was ready to throw it all away for love. The means and method were unkind, unfair—but Colet knew that somehow, what Maloi did was necessary.

Sacrifice is inevitable when you enter law school. Ang daming important events and milestones ang nasakripisyo para lang makarating si Colet kung nasa’n s’ya ngayon. And the road is long ahead. She knows marami pang sacrifices along the way.

And so, until their bottles ran out, and Colet’s walls begin to shatter to the ground, she couldn’t fan out the conjecture that’s starting to spread across her chest. Have her sacrifices already paid off? From all things in life na nagparaya s’ya, can she have this one good thing for herself? Si Jhoanna lang—and life can have the rest of it for all she cares.

It didn’t take a lot of convincing from Colet. They both know that their unit is the best sunrise spot. And so, as soon as their bottles ran out, they move to their balcony. Saglit lang, kasi pagod na rin sila parehas. They just couldn’t pass on this chance to watch the sunrise together.

Nothing has changed. Colet is still as scared to enter into a relationship. Hindi na ‘ata mawawala ‘yun. But something in being in Jhoanna’s orbit has restored Colet’s faith, even though she stopped practicing religion a long time ago.

And as the sunrise hits Jhoanna’s face perfectly, Colet couldn’t help but gawk. She’s gawking and she isn’t even discreet about it.

“Ano?” Jhoanna laughs, hugging her knees from where they’re seated on the floor shoulder to shoulder. She hides her face partly, which makes Colet’s smile grow bigger.

Mahal kita, Colet wants to say. She wants to say it so bad her eyes are watering. She doesn’t think about her fears and doubts. Instead, she lets the colors of their own bubble drench her—soft pink and yellow hues all over them.

“Ano?!” Jhonna exclaims teasingly, not minding if the rest of the world is still asleep. She nudges Colet’s shoulder with hers. “Ikaw ah. Nagseselos ka pala ah.” Jhoanna teases as she laughs. “Pa’no ulit ‘yung selos?”

“Alam mo hinding hindi na ko magsasabi sa’yo ulit.” She deadpans. It was Colet’s turn to bury her face in her arms. “Kahit kelan.”

“Hala, ang cute nga eh.” Jhoanna says.

“Pa’no naging cute ‘yon. Inis na inis ka nga sakin kanina.” Colet rolls her eyes. She takes a small sigh. “Sorry din.”

Jhoanna pulls her face away. “Para saan?”

“Kasi…” Colet looks down. “It was so out of place. Wala ‘ko sa lugar talaga. Hindi ko lang din talaga napigilan.”

Silence.

“But what you said earlier…about making connections. What does that mean?”

Jhoanna shakes her head. “Wala, hindi ko rin actually masyadong naintindihan. Parang talent manager ‘ata yung dad ni…Adie. I don’t know if it’s true.”

So that’s Jhoanna meant earlier. Sobrang taas ng emotions kanina she just kinda believed what she was saying even though she didn’t get the full picture exactly. If what that bonjing guy is saying is true, then Jhoanna could totally make use of the connection. Colet would just have to get used to him, even though every fiber of her being is repulsed by the guy.

Plus, karapatan check. Error 404 not found.

Colet could only nod. Something tells her this won’t be the first time that their paths will cross, as much as she hates to admit it.

“P’wede mo naman i-explore.” Colet suggests, despite her apprehensions.

“Yeah.” Jhoanna shrugs nonchalantly, looking at the horizon that’s getting brighter by the second. There was a brief pause before Jhoanna started talking again. “I know I said na we can take it slow. Pero siguro gusto kong malaman kung ano na ‘yung nararamdaman mo sa’tin ngayon. So we don’t get a repeat of what happened tonight, you know…parang miscommunication.”

Colet’s blood rushes to her cheeks, her heart doing somersaults in her chest. Sa’tin?

Jhoanna deserves to know.

“Hmm.” She hums. “Jho. I…” Colet starts but nothing comes out. She tries to breathe, her eyes starting to water again. Why can’t she just say it?

Jhoanna reaches for her hand and squeezes it. “Sorry, Col. Let’s not push it. I’m sorry.

“No, Jho. Gusto kong sabihin—” She chokes as she squeezes Jhoanna’s hand, looking at her like she makes the sun go up.

Colet could tell her that she likes her. But then again, she doesn’t like actually Jhoanna. No because, Jhoanna is her sunrise. Her presence kindles a gentle warmth within her, kind of like how the sun embraces the cool earth with a promise of a new day. Every glance—every giggle is a stroke of light that chases away the shadows of Colet’s night, painting her world in hues of soft yellow and pink.

With Jhoanna, she feels the universe stirring to life, each moment brimming with possibilities, and her heart dances in the glow of her radiant affection.

With Jhoanna, Colet feels like she deserves to love and be loved again.

And so, to say Colet likes Jhoanna doesn’t give justice to the warmth that she feels inside whenever she’s with her. Jhoanna is Colet’s sunrise.  

The younger girl rolls her eyes at her. “Kahit ‘wag na. Gets ko na ‘yun.”

Colet furrows her eyebrows. Kaya n’ya namang sabihin. If Jhoanna could only give her a few minutes to process it. “Sigurado ka?”

Jhoanna gives her a brief raise in the eyebrow. “Alam ko namang patay na patay ka rin sakin.”

“Ay si kapal ng mukha.” Colet jokes.

“Oh baket?! Baket, hinde?”

Colet puts a hand over Jhoanna’s mouth to cover it but the younger girl gets away. “Ingay mo, tulog pa mga tao.”

“Pero ano nga? Hindi ba totoo?”

“Totoo.” Colet snaps back. “Totoong patay ka sakin.”

Jhoanna laughs, making Colet chuckle. She loves this. She loves their banter.

“Asus.” The younger girl teases again. “Love mo na ata ako eh.”

“Eh ano kung love na kita?”

“Ade love mo ko, tanga.”

Jhoanna’s laughter echoes around them, each note sending batches of butterflies down Colet’s stomach. Kilig na kilig na ‘sya, pucha. Napakahirap nang itago. That’s why Colet couldn’t help the laughter that escapes her mouth as well.

The younger girl nudges her once more and Colet thinks it’s her time to be on the offense side.

“Bakit, ikaw?” She asks.

Suddenly, Jhoanna softens. “Love rin kita.” The younger girl says, becoming the human puppy dog eyes emoji as she props her chin on her arms.

Colet had to look away from Jhoanna to cater the biggest grin that’s ever donned her face. Nawawala ‘yung angas n’ya. She has to take a breath to calm herself down. Shaking her head, she replies, “Hay nako, Jhoanna Robles. Paano ba gagawin natin?”

Jhoanna’s eyes are fixed on hers as she shrugs.

Colet shakes her head again. It’s a lost cause at this point.

The two girls stayed out until their fatigue got to the best of them, sitting in silence and enjoying such rare stolen moments. Jhoanna looks like she’s going to pass out any time soon that’s why when her upper body collapsed back to her former spot in Colet’s bed, foot still placed on the ground and all, the older girl let her.

Jhoanna’s silly antics never fail to put a smile on Colet’s face.

Colet makes a beeline to the bathroom to remove all her makeup, change her own clothes and fetches one wet cloth for Jhoanna to use as well. When she went back to their room, Jhoanna has already wormed her way up, all her clothes thrown at the floor. Colet curses, almost choking on her own air at the site of the younger girl laying on her bed, face down, topless. Wala talagang boundaries ‘tong babae na ‘to.

“Ano ba yan?” Colet protests, stopping her tracks and looking away. Her cheeks warms up. “Ba’t ka nakahubad?!”

Clad in just her bottom underwears, Jhoanna’s mumbles were muffled as buries her face on the pillow. “Bihisan mo ko…” She says tiredly.

Colet makes her way to the girl’s drawers and looks for a decent shirt to dress Jhoanna with at least. She chuckles suddenly having an idea why Jhoanna stripped off her all her clothes.

On her way to the bed, Colet says, “Alam kong may rule tayo na bawal outside clothes sa bed, pero wag ka naman basta basta naghuhubad…” She teases. “Muntik na kong himatayin.”

She hears Jhoanna’s weak laugh.

“Oh, taas na.” Colet instructs so Jhoanna could help her lift her body up as she puts the shirt over her head. Jhoanna stirs. She then picks up the wet cloth from where she’s put it in the bedside table to wipe the makeup off Jhoanna’s face. “Lasengga.” She teases, knowing the younger girl couldn’t fight back in her current state.

The smirk forming on Jhoanna’s face proved Colet wrong though. “Kunwari ka pang ayaw mo kong nakahubad…” She says, her eyes still closed as she drifts to sleep.

Colet laughs. “Tanga ka. Lakas-lakas mo mang-asar puro ka lang naman ganyan.” When she finished wiping Jhoanna’s makeup off the younger girl’s face, Colet puts the cloth away and crawls to her spot as well.

The coziness suddenly lulls her to sleep, making her yawn. She turns to the side so she is facing the girl on her bed.

“Na-miss mo ko dito, umamin ka na.” Jhoanna mumbles again.

“Di ka pa ba matutulog, Jhoanna?” Colet teases back.

“Di ako matutulog ‘gang di mo sabihing na-miss mo ko.”

“Ay bahala ka. Manigas ka jan.”

Jhoanna’s eyes remained shut, her lips curving into a smile as Colet snakes her arms around her waist, pulling her closer. Colet settles as she readies her heart for the days to come.

Chapter Text

Jhoanna doesn’t know what she did right this time, but it seems like hindi naman s’ya masyadong hungover. She guesses staying up with Colet a few more hours helped her recover from her anticipated headache. Slowly becoming conscious, Jhoanna could tell, however, that her throat is as dry as the Sahara.

She stirs slowly, nuzzling her nose into her bunkmate’s neck, savoring its smell. Jhoanna’s lips instantly curve into a smile, remembering their little moment at the balcony before they went to bed. She thinks about how Colet has come so far already, in terms of opening up to her. But still, she knows na malayo parin ang tatakbuhin nila.

They went to sleep around six in the morning, and Jhoanna guesses na baka hapon na rin and it’s already time to get up. Still not ready to leave their comfortable nest, she shifts closer to Colet, entangling their legs even more. Her eyes slowly open as she sighs. She really missed snuggling to her favorite firecracker. Don’t get her wrong, Quack Roberto is an awesome snuggler. But Jhoanna is sure nobody has cuddled her better than Colet. Their like to two pieces of a puzzle, and Jhoanna has never felt safer in her life.

Her blurry vision starts to get clearer—well as clear as it can get without her glasses. Slowly, she makes out of what’s in front of her—Colet’s phone, Colet is already up scrolling on her phone.

Jhoanna’s smile grows larger as she starts to stretch her legs. She doesn’t know how long Colet has been up already. But one thing she’s certain of is that she’d been up a while and did not leave Jhoanna’s side so she doesn’t disturb her sleep.

Softly, Jhoanna moans.

“Sa wakas gising na rin.” Colet teases.

Jhoanna furrows her eyebrows, looking at the older girl with her bottom lip jutted out. “Anong oras na?”

“Twelve p.m.” Colet replies. “Lunch time na.”

“Oh, maaga pa…” Jhoanna says stirring away so she can face the other way.

Akala n’ya naman mga four na ng hapon. Ang aga aga pa pala. And so even though her throat needs water so bad, she still pulls the blanket over her shoulder, sliding her hand under the pillow to find a comfortable position. She doesn’t find said comfortable position because apparently something is blocking her hand to fully go under the pillow.

Irritated, Jhoanna lifts her head up to check what’s stopping her hand from fully getting under. She yanks the piece of fabric that’s violently tucked under the pillow, her eyes opening widely.

“Hoodie ko!” Jhoanna exclaims, making Colet jump in surprise as well. She knows her vision is bad but she’s sure she could recognize this color and material anywhere. Her jaw drops, looking over her roommate to demand for an explanation. Jhoanna took a moment to fix her eyeglasses to confirm kung tama nga s’ya. And yes, tama nga s’ya.

Colet screws her eyes shut, biting both her upper and lower lip. Then she looks at her sheepishly, dropping her phone on the bed as she batts her eyelashes at the younger girl. She was caught red handed and there is no escaping this.

“’Wag mo kong mabeautiful eyes-beautiful eyes, Colet. Bakit na sa’yo ‘to?!” Jhoanna says, trying her best not to laugh. “Sabi ko na nga ba, hindi ko naman ‘to nilabas dito sa kwarto. Kaya pala bigla mo kong kinausap no’n ha.”

Colet giggles before hiding her face on her pillow.

The sight was enough for Jhoanna to purse her lips so she could conceal her impending kilig. Kasi naman, bakit sobrang cute ni Colet? “Nagpapa-cute ka pa talaga!” She says, as she lifts the piece of clothing up in the air and smacks Colet’s torso softly. “Kasuhan kita jan eh.”

“Anong ikakaso mo, sige nga?!” Colet taunts, pushing her face closer to Jhoanna’s.

“Robbery!” Jhoanna exclaims mindlessly.

“Mali ka! Dismissed ‘yang kaso mo agad.” Colet teases as she pulls away, letting her body fall on the bed.

“Anong dismissed?!”

“Dismissed nga ‘yan.” Colet says proudly, acting nonchalantly as she fetches her phone and attempts to go back to scrolling. “Theft dapat.”

“Huh?” Jhoanna wrinkles her face. “May pinagkaiba ba ‘yun?”

“Oo be.” Colet says, giggling. She tries to put on a straight face. “’Pag robbery kailangan may violence, intimidation or threat. O kaya ‘pag may nasirang lock or pinto or window. Ganon. ‘Pag theft kinuha mo lang kasi gusto mo. There has to be force on things.”

Jhoanna scoffs. “Kasuhan pa rin kita no’n kasi…puso ko naman ninakaw mo.”

Colet mocks her, making a face at her. “Excuse me walang undue force ‘yan. Kusa kang na-fall sakin.”

The younger girl lets her jaw drop once more before softly hitting Colet with the hoodie again. “Sure ka ba?”

“Kakasabi mo lang kanina, love mo na ko.”

It was Jhoanna’s turn to give Colet her eyeroll. “Bwisit ka.” Jhoanna says with a smile on her face. “Magnanakaw ng hoodie.”

“Hiniram ko lang!” Colet responds. “Damot ah. Namiss ka lang.”

“Ewan ko sa’yo. Di mo ko papansinin ng isang linggo tapos nanakawin mo hoodie ko.” Jhoanna teases.

“Hiniram nga lang.” Colet emphasizes. “Babalik ko naman eh. ‘Yan babalik ko na sa’yo ngayon kasi di ko na gusto amoy n’yan.”

Jhonna bites her lower lip, their banter getting to her. Hindi naman s’ya napipikon or anything but she’s playing it at least.

“O kasi nagiging ka-amoy ko na! Nawawala na ‘yung amoy mo.” Colet responds, already getting up and taking the hoodie away from Jhoanna. She puts the hoodie on top of the younger girl’s head to assist her in slipping into it.

Jhoanna being Jhoanna, makes it worse by pouting again. Sobrang nagpapa-baby na s’ya kasi binibihisan s’ya ulit ni Colet. Sino ba naman s’ya para palagpasin pa ‘yung pagkakataon, ‘di ba?

Colet continues to assist her until she got into the sleeves. “Aray.” She says, kahit di naman talaga masakit, as the older girl puts the hood over her head and tightens it harshly.

“Yan.” Colet says with a smile on her face, proud of her work. “Para kumapit ‘yung amoy mo talaga. Tapos hihiramin ko ulit.”

Jhoanna is trying her hardest not to laugh, as laughing would only stroke the girl’s ego. But it’s hard not to give in when she took a glance of what she looked like on her phone’s front camera. She burst out laughing right there as she took snaps of Colet’s artwork on her. She didn’t know what came over her when she panned the camera suddenly over the older girl’s direction. Surprisingly, Colet accommodates her by beaming at the camera like a child.

This is their first picture together, Jhoanna thinks.

She pulls her Instagram account instantly, putting her solo picture and their picture together in a collage. Giggling, she types the caption of her story.

The art:

The artist:

She tags Colet as well.

Once she’s uploaded the story, she clicks on it a couple more times to make sure it’s as funny and cute as she thought in her head.

Her smile fades when another notification pops on her screen.

Adadiee [2:43am] : hi tin, wru haha

Adadiee [3:15am] : bigla ka nawala. reply if u can :P

There’s a follow request as well.

Curious, Jhoanna stalks his profile, careful not to click on his story. He presents well, she’ll give him that. And it looks like he sings and makes music too, because there are a couple posts with him sitting with an acoustic guitar. She’s so tempted to play the video see how he sounds like.

“Okay na?” Colet asks, making Jhoanna jump.

Confused as to what the girl meant; Jhoanna raises her eyebrows. Simultaneously, her phone buzzes again showing a notification from Colet reposting her story.

Jhoanna smiles, exiting her Instagram app right away. It’s something to think about later. But right now, she feels like loving on her roommate and so she launches herself to the girl, giving her an aggressive cuddle. Colet protests right away like she expected, but still wraps her arms around her.

“Sa’n tayo kakain? Gutom na ko.”

Jhoanna thinks that putting on a label on whatever they have going in can wait. For now, she’d like to think that they’re just spending time with each other because it what their hearts tell them. And it’s true that every time spent with Colet is one filled with bliss, excitement and fluttering butterflies. They have an understanding now, and Jhoanna is content with that.

They were on a Friday dinner date with Mikha and Aiah at a restaurant somewhere in Cubao Expo when they were interrogated with the status of their…situationship. Colet’s Property professor has practically, permanently bailed on them already and Jhoanna’s shift already ended at five p.m. and that’s why they suddenly have time to eat out.

“Basta ako, I don’t believe in situationships.” The redhaired girl says, sipping on her watermelon cocktail, which…if you’re going to ask Jhoanna, complemented her hair color really well. “Kasi ‘yun na rin ‘yun. Like…you know you’ll both get hurt na rin if it ends. Why don’t you just put a label on it kasi parang same heartbreak lang din naman?”

Jhoanna looks over Colet, who looks like she isn’t also a fan of Mikha’s line of questioning. Colet sighs, stabbing a piece of her four-cheese pizza a little too harshly.

“Ba’t ka ba nakikielam…” Colet deadpans. “That’s your opinion. Okay, valid. But this is us…”

Aiah puts a hand over Mikha’s lap, probably to calm down her girlfriend’s firing of questions. Jhoanna clears her throat, chewing on a mouthful of her truffle pasta.

In some way, she agrees with Mikha. Pero may point din naman si Col. The reason why they settled on saying that they’re merely exclusively dating is because they want to take things slow, given Colet’s history. Jhoanna honors and respects that. Plus, she also doesn’t wanna rush things. Liking and developing feelings for someone is something, liking and developing feelings for a girl when you are also a girl is another.

Wala namang problema sa kanya, if she’s being honest. She welcomes the idea of liking girls—women, even though it’s something that she hasn’t thought about before. Growing up, Jhoanna only ever thought about school and her family. She was sure she liked boys—developed crushes over her fairly good-looking boy classmates. But no one really stood out to her. Madalas, mabilis mag-fade ‘yung fascination n’ya sa kanila. Especially if she’s only basing on looks. More often than not, ‘yung mga crushes n’yang tumagal is because they’re not just good-looking but also smart or artistic.

She’s also never developed any girl crushes. At least not those na talagang ma-coconsider n’ya na seryoso. Most of them are celebrities.

That’s why when she developed a fascination towards her roommate, it was a brand-new feeling. And she liked it. She liked it a lot.

What she’s worried about is her parents. Kasi nga kahit kelan naman hindi talaga s’ya nagpakita ng kahit anong sign na nainlove s’ya or anything that they need to be worried about. It’s just school, orgs, and career. Even through college, when most of her friends are falling in love, experiencing heartbreak and getting pregnant, Jhoanna never felt inclined to be involved in any of those things. Kaya tiwala sa kanya parents n’ya.

Right now, she just wants to enjoy that brand-new feeling without getting pressured. Building and maintaining relationships take a lot of time and effort.

“For me, kayo na…look at you guys.” Mikha says.

Jhoanna gives a glance over Colet, who cannot stop fussing over her hair.

“Anong date ngayon…” Mikha says, pulling out her phone. “June thirteen. Lah, Friday the thirteenth. Okay lang ‘yan. Today na monthsary n’yo. Ako na magdedesisyon.”

“Bub, can you just eat your pasta?” Aiah interrupts, giving her girlfriend a nudge because she’s sure Mikha is already getting on Colet’s last nerve.

Thinking about the date today, cold trickles of sweat suddenly formed over Jhoanna’s forehead. June thirteen. Shocks, how can she forget. Panicking she looks over her phone to double check. Mikha is right, June thirteen ngayon. Which means, her mom’s birthday is only two days away. Hindi s’ya nakapagplano, hindi s’ya nakabili ng regalo.

“Okay ka lang?” Colet asks her, probably noticing the change in her demeanor.

Biting her lip, Jhoanna nods. “Nakalimutan ko birthday na pala ni mommy sa Sunday.” She puts two fingers over her temples, showing her dismay. “’Di ako nakapagplano ng anything.”

Jhoanna’s a little disappointed in herself. Taon taon kasi s’ya talaga nag-oorganize ng party ng mommy n’ya, kahit simple lang. Being an only child, it’s a responsibility that she took on kahit nung bata pa lang s’ya. And she took on it happily. With her new job and new…love, she was totally distracted.

“It’s still a couple of days away, Jho.” Aiah comforts. “P’wede tayong dumiretso ng mall pagkatapos kumain to buy something for your mom, if you like?” She asks, sending Jhoanna a warm smile.

The younger girl returns her Ate Aiah’s smile finding comfort in it somehow. She looks over at Colet who also gave her hand a comforting squeeze.

This means she also has to go home to Calamba first thing in the morning tomorrow. Jhoanna takes a sigh. She has to leave Colet alone in the condo for a night, which she guesses will be okay. As they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder…or something.

Because of her new source of income, Jhoanna was able to buy her mom a nicer gift this time. She made sure to pick all of her mom’s favorites from the department store as well. She also texted her cousins so she can ask for their help in arranging a small gathering for her mom’s birthday on Sunday.

She’s just thankful Colet didn’t make it hard for her to leave Saturday morning. Jhoanna’s glad they both agree na okay lang naman na kahit papano maghiwalay sila because they already spend every waking time together when Jhoanna isn’t physically at work or Colet isn’t at school. Not to mention, it would be nice for Colet to have the space so she can study and prepare for the upcoming week as well.

Even though it’s the weekend, Jhoanna’s glad na wala naman halos traffic. At hindi rin siksikan sa point to point bus from Lawton to Calamba so she was fairly comfortable. Excited na rin s’yang umuwi because she hasn’t been home in about a month and half now. She misses her parents more than anything.

As soon as she knocked on the door of her childhood home, she was quickly met with a hug from her younger cousins. Apparently, they were also anticipating her arrival as well. She hugged her mom the tightest among everyone who came to hug her. Next to her was her dad.

Jhoanna couldn’t wait another day to give her mom the presents she got her. And that’s why for the rest of the morning, all she did was hangout with her family as her mom unwraps Jhoanna’s gifts, and the rest of the extended family watched.

Sobrang close n’ya kasi sa mga pinsan n’ya, probably because she was an only child. This was her community growing up and she’s thankful na solid talaga ‘yung friendships nila. It’s just unfortunate that Sheena couldn’t go home kasi may thesis and project na tinatapos. But she extends her regards. Jhoanna made sure to take lots of pictures of them hanging out, kasi para mamatay din si Sheena sa inggit.

Since Jhoanna left her this morning, hindi pa sila nag-usap ni Colet. She isn’t worried or anything. In fact, she enjoy the space and she bets Colet is also enjoying having the unit all to herself.

But as Jhoanna retired to her childhood bedroom after lunch to unpack the clothes that she brought, her heart couldn’t help but to wonder if Colet has already eaten her lunch yet. Knowing the girl, Jhoanna is sure Colet already forgot about lunch time. Lalo kapag sobrang focus n’ya sa pag-aaral nakakalimot talaga s’ya.

Jhoanna opens her phone to quickly browse through restaurant choices in food panda. Marami na rin kasi talaga s’yang utang kay Colet. Plus, sumweldo na s’ya. So, she can give back.

Her phone buzzes. Speak of the little devil.

colet masunget [2:31pm]: https://us04web.zoom.us/j/78068918107?pwd=456544

Confused, Jhoanna opens her laptop and follows the link. A few clicks after led her to a zoom meet, revealing her roommate wearing her favorite UPLB hoodie.

“Well, hello miss Vergara Maria Nicolette.” Jhoanna teases, reading her Colet’s full name that’s displayed on the zoom meet. She knows how much she hates it when Jhoanna calls her by her full government name.

She could see Colet wincing, as she fusses over something on her laptop. “Badtrip. Gamit ko kasi sa school ‘tong account na ‘to.”

“Ganda nga ng name mo.”

“Piskit ka, anong ipapalit ko dito…” Colet mumbles, referring to her name on the screen Jhoanna guesses.

“Baby ni Jhoanna, lagay mo.”

Colet rolls her eyes at her, settling with just putting ‘Atty. Vergara’ as her zoom name.

Jhoanna laughs. “Ano? Saglit pa lang akong nawawala jan na-miss mo agad ako.” As the girl shifts, she notices na hawak ni Colet ‘yung gitara n’ya.

“May twenty-minute study break ako. Wala lang, baka kasi—”

“Sakto in-oorderan kita ng food. Ano gusto mo?”

By the look of surprised in the older girl’s face, Jhoanna knows she already won the bet. Hindi nga kumain ng lunch si Col.

“Ayan na nga ba sinasabi ko.”

“Tinatamad kasi akong magluto. Ta’s parang wala naman akong gustong kainin.” Colet says, as she casually strums on her guitar. “Saka nalimot ko rin talaga. Ang sakit ng kamay ko, grabe…” Colet complains. “Nakaka-ten na kong handwritten digest. Twenty ‘yung goal ko today…”

“Dami mong sinasabi, sabihin mo na lang kung ano gusto mong kainin…” Jhoanna replies, her attention fixed on finding food for Colet.

“Tsk.” Colet clucks her tongue. “’Wag na.”

“Dali na, ‘wag na maarte.” Talagang papagalitan n’ya si Colet this time kasi madalang s’yang pumalpak and whenever she does, sinusulit talaga ni Jhoanna. “Papa-akyat ko na rin kay Kuya Nelson, s’ya ata shift today.”

“Kuya Nelson?”

She hears Colet say on the other line.

Jhoanna chuckles, remembering how she has made a friend on one of the guards in their condo building. “Oo, ‘yung isa sa mga guard natin jan ‘pag weekend.”

“At alam mo pa ‘yung schedule n’ya.” Colet teases.

Jhoanna disregards the other girl’s teasing, getting frustrated a little about what food to get Colet.

“Gusto mo ba Chinese?” The younger girl asks, giving Colet her options.

“No. Gusto ko taga-Calamba.”

Jhoanna puts her phone down to give Colet a stern look over the screen. “Di ka aayos?”

Parang nag-work naman ata ‘yung ganap-ganapan n’ya because she could see Colet squirming on her seat, at saka tumahimik din s’ya.

“Sige po. Sorry po.” Colet says sheepishly and Jhoanna tries not to break character. “Ano nalang, ‘yung…kung pao chicken saka honey walnut shrimp ng panda express.”

Jhoanna narrows her eyes at the girl on her screen. “Aayos din pala…” She comments as she adds Colet’s order to her cart.

“Ang sungit mo naman!”

“Ade alam mo na ano nararamdaman ko?” Jhoanna’s reply was quick, earning an eyeroll from Colet.

The older girl the starts to play with different chord patterns. Jhoanna knows it’s really how Colet wants to spend her free time on—music.

“Cute ng kwarto mo.” Colet says.

Jhoanna blinks, batting her eyelashes at Colet. “Syempre, kasing cute ko.”

“True.” Colet replies simply. “Tingin nga ako. Room tour dali.”

Jhoanna squeals, her heart suddenly overtaken by excitement. Of course she would love to give Colet a tour of her childhood bedroom. Sobrang daming memories sa room na ‘to—so many nights spent studying, crying and laughing. It wasn’t something that she likes to tell people before but she really loved designing and rearranging her room. She liked to think that her room was her mind—ever changing and full.

Her room isn’t big. Actually, it’s just enough to fit one person. She had a single bed that’s pushed against the left accent wall in shade of soft duck yellow. And there are plants everywhere. Thankfully, they haven’t died yet. There’s also a desk which had a black chicken wire with some art, most of which are given to her as a gift, and a picture of her favorite poet—Emily Dickinson. Some of the books that she cherished as a highschooler lined up over the long desk, ageing probably very badly as the afternoon sun angrily shone over them. The fairy lights that she turns on even at high noon hung over the bed to the single window with the view of the woods in empty lot beside their house.

Yes, her inspiration mostly came from watching pre-fame Conan Gray videos on YouTube.

She stands up from her bed, panning the camera over to the beige sheets. “Here’s my bed…these sheets uwi pa ng dad ko from IKEA nu’ng wala pa dito no’n. Hindi naman sa pagmamayabang pero…sorry, IKEA lang naman ‘to.”

She hears Colet laugh.

“And then ‘eto ‘yung desk ko. Dito ko ginugol ‘yung time ko mostly nung college.” Jhoanna narrates. “Oo, nag-uwian ako from LB to Calamba, hindi naman masyadong malayo.”

“Wait.” Colet says, nung medyo inalis ni Jhoanna ‘yung view ng camera sa desk n’ya. “Wow, andaming books. Reader yan s’ya.”

Jhoanna pouts para magpacute.

“Si Emily Dickinson ba ‘yun?” Colet asks, referring to Emily Dickinson’s most prominent portrait probably.

Jhoanna pauses. “Yes.”

“Okay, sige. Gets.”

“Anong gets?” She looks at Colet on the screen, blinking away her curiosity.

Colet snorts. “Gets ko na kung bakit medyo bading ka rin.”

Jhoanna rolls her eyes, although giving what Colet has said a thought. Slowly, she becomes curious. Colet was right. Her penchant towards liking Emily Dickinson’s hidden poems was a dead giveaway. What other things that she used to like growing up ultimately screams na fruity nga s’ya?

She pokes her tongue over cheek, a habit that she does when she’s deep in thought.

Colet then starts to strum the chords to a tune that Jhoanna recognizes, snatching her away from spiraling.

“Kantahan mo naman ako…”

“Kinantahan na kita ah.”

“Ulit.” Jhoanna pouts.

“Di mo naman tinapos ‘yung room tour mo.”

“Wala, eto lang room ko eh. ‘Yun na ‘yun. Ayan bintana. Gusto mo pa ba makita ‘yan?”

Colet pauses, probably contemplating if kakanta nga s’ya. But then again, she was already strumming the chords to that song.

Jhoanna adjusts her position so she’s comfy on her bed, as Colet starts to hum the intro.

She was about to close her eyes to really feel the Colet’s singing when she heard three knocks on her door. Shet. She sits down on instantly almost closing her laptop.

“Tintin, anak?”

The door slowly swings open, revealing her both her mom and dad. Jhoanna freezes after she muted her laptop.

“Y-Yes?”

“Anong ginagawa mo? May kausap ka jan?” Her mom asks. She doesn’t angry, although Jhoanna knows she’s curious. Masyado bang malakas ‘yung volume ng laptop n’ya?

“U-Uhm.” She stutters, as her mom and dad step inside her room. Her eyes slowly fall on her screen and she swallows seeing Colet’s puzzled look. “H-Hindi. Kausap ko lang po ‘yung ah…uhm…kasama ko sa dorm.” She says giving up. She knows she won’t be able to deny talking to someone kasi nakatingin narin yung mommy n’ya sa screen n’ya. She then unmutes Colet.

“Hello, tita.” Colet greets, halatang nagulat din s’ya. “Colet po. Ako po ‘yung kasama ng anak n’yo sa dorm.”

Jhoanna watches as her mom puts on her eyeglasses to examine the girl on her laptop screen.

“Hello, hija.” Her mom greets back. She then turned her attention to Jhoanna. “Nag-wowork na rin ba s’ya?”

“Ay hindi po, mommy. Nag-aaral po s’ya ngayon.”

“Ah, nag-aaral pa pala.” Her mom nods. “Ano ang course mo, hija?”

“Tapos na po ako ng college, tita. Ngayon po naka-enroll po ako ng law school.” Colet respectfully responds.

Jhoanna could feel her cold sweat running down her face. She didn’t plan on introducing Colet to her parents this early in this situationship.

“Law school? Gusto mo maging abogado?”

Colet nods. “Opo, sana. Kung makakapasa ng bar.”

“Ay maganda ‘yan. Pagpatuloy mo lang ‘yan. Magandang career ‘yan. Di ba, daddy?”

Jhoanna’s father nods, but then pauses. “Teka akala ko si Sheena kasama mo sa dorm?”

Patay ka diha. Lagot. Is she going to lie to her parents? Can she just say na kasama naman nila si Sheena sa dorm—silang tatlo magkakasama sa dorm? Jhoanna is trying so hard not to shake. She’s never lied to her parents.

“A-Ah, kasi po napuno na agad ‘yung dorm nina Sheena. Eh, ‘yung unit nila Colet, katabi lang din naman po nung kina Sheena. May open sa kanila. So, ayun.” Jhoanna explains. She can just tell the truth—at least half of it.

Her father nods, although Jhoanna could tell he is still a little suspicious.

“Bakit po pala?” Jhoanna asks, trying to divert the topic.

“Mag-didinner tayo mamaya sa mang-lola mo kasama ‘yung mga pinsan mo. Pero maaga tayong aalis kasi marami akong dadaanan.” Jhoanna’s father responds. “Maligo ka na.”

“Ah, sige po. Miss ko na rin po sila lola.”

“Osige. Iwan na naming kayo ni Colet. It was nice meeting you, hija.” Her moms says.

Jhoanna takes a deep breath.

“Nice meeting you po, tita. Don’t worry po about Jhoanna. Naaalagaan po ‘yan ng mabuti dito sa Manila.” Colet teases. Jhoanna clenches her jaw, making a mental note to give the girl an earful about this comment later. “Happy birthday po.”

Her mom thanks Colet at once and pulls her dad up from the bed so they could exit.

As soon as her parents exited her bedroom, Jhoanna widens her eyes over to Colet, squealing as quiet as she can. She also lowers the volume of her laptop because apparently, tumatagos sa dinging ng bedroom n’ya ‘yung landian nila. Iniisip n’ya tuloy kung anong part ng usapan nila ni Colet ‘yung narinig nila. Although hindi naman sila masyadong naglandian. Konti lang. But still.

She tries to cover her face so she could scream, collapsing on her bed entirely. Sobrang OA but at the same time valid naman.

Jhoanna hears Colet’s laugh from the other line.

“Ah sige. Salamat. It’s nice you’re finding my frustration amusing.” She deadpans, putting her head up so she could see Colet still on her chair. “At least masaya ka.”

Colet’s giggles grow. “Ang cute ni tita.”

Jhoanna takes a deep breath. “Sinabi mo pa talagang naaalagaan ako ng maayos jan.”

“Totoo naman?”

Jhoanna shifts her position again so she could hit her face with a pillow.

“Hindi ba totoo?”

Jhoanna groans again, fixing her hair to finally settle down.

“Totoo naman po. Kaya lang…shempre. Anong gagawin ko kanina? Ayoko naman magsinungaling.”

She could tell Colet is also trying to settle down. Medyo nakakarattle talaga na nahuli silang magka-video call kanina. “Listen, Jho. Di ka naman nagsinungaling. Na-overwhelm ka lang. But I think, wala naman silang narinig. Gusto ka lang talaga nila inform na aalis kayo ng maaga.”

Maybe so. But Jhoanna thought na matagal pa bago n’ya problemahin ‘yung pag-introduce kay Colet sa parents n’ya. It’s definitely come sooner than expected.

On the brighter side of things, at least kilala na ng mga magulang n’ya kung sino ‘yung kasama n’ya halos araw-araw. And she’s finally told them about the dorm mishap. So at least that is out of her way already.

“Hay…” Jhoanna sighs. “Okay, sige. You’re right.” She tells Colet.

She looks at the countdown that’s started on her screen. They still have five minutes until Colet’s study break is over. But Jhoanna feels like she already needs the space, and she knows Colet will understand.

“Ligo na ko, I think.” Jhoanna begins. “I’ll text you nalang if you’re food is near. Ipaakyat ko sayo jan. Please eat po ha.”

Colet gives her an understanding nod. “Try to enjoy your dinner and your mom’s birthday tomorrow muna. I know it’s easier said than done but please try not to think about it muna. It’s gonna be okay, Jho.” She reassures.

Jhoanna knows Colet is right. She came home for this. The least she could do is be present.

“Opo.”

The younger girl looks away, trying to beat the awkwardness of their good bye. Ano ba sinasabi dito? Bye nalang ba?

“Okay. Also, thank you sa food. I’ll eat it. I promise. Ingat kayo mamaya.”

Jhoanna nods.

“Jho?” Colet calls, pausing. “I love you.”

End call.

The sound of the zoom call ending made Jhoanna literally want to throw her laptop away. Because how can Colet say that and then end the call before Jhoanna could even respond?

Jhoanna throws her head back. Saying the meanest, most terrible curse would feel so good to her right now.

She sighs, laughing. Colet Vergara and her ways to drive Jhoanna crazy.

She promised Colet she won’t be thinking about it. But she lied. Jhoanna knows it’s going to eat at her.

And as she joins in the festivities of tonight’s family gathering, she couldn’t help but wonder—imagine about the time na iuuwi n’ya na si Colet dito sa Calamba to introduce her to her family. She just knows she will be the proudest when she finally does it.

Her family isn’t exactly homophobic. She could tell at least three out of her five cousins are gay, and she has an uncle who might have tendencies. But then again, they aren’t the ones to actively talk about it.

And her parents, matatanggap kaya nila?

Chapter Text

Colet couldn’t help but feel it, the familiar discomfort in her stomach whenever Jhoanna isn’t by her side. It isn’t entirely painful because time and space alone is what she needs so she can achieve her goal of writing twenty handwritten digests over the weekend, but still it’s there. They didn’t talk a lot for the duration of the younger girl’s stay in Calamba. She wanted to give Jhoanna the time to enjoy with her family. 

And so as she disguises looking at the time to look at her phone, she couldn’t help but to also conclude that the girl has not texted her since that Saturday afternoon. It’s fine, almost two days pa lang naman ‘yung nakalipas. And the discomfort isn’t for the fact the she missed her but more that she’s worried because it’s already nearing Monday noon and she hasn’t heard any word from her. Jhoanna should be back on her way to Manila already, given na may trabaho na s’ya.

Colet groans as she grabs her phone for the nth time already today. Should she send her a text? She doesn’t wanna come across as overbearing. And hindi naman talaga kailangan ni Jhoanna mag-update sa kanya parati kasi, well, exclusively dating pa lang naman sila. Okay, but this is her safety we’re talking about.

She knits her eyebrows as she tries to focus on thinking what she’s going to type. She looks up staring at the view from the window where she’s seated at her work station since eight a.m. Colet lets out a puff of air, trying to muster the courage to text Jhoanna to ask her where she is now.

It’s just a simple text asking her roommate about her location. It shouldn’t take a lot from her. But still, she hesitates.

It’s slapping a wholeass label on their thing that made it awkward if you’re going to ask Colet. Texting Jhoanna to ask her where she is was never her problem when they were just…roommates…with feelings. And now this is new territory for the both of them.

Not to mention, she dropped the L word the other day, the remembering of which, did not comfort Colet one bit. Colet groans, thinking about how she just casually dropped it and ended their call. Hindi n’ya kasi masabi n’ung isang araw sa harap ni Jhoanna. It’s the only way she knows. 

Maybe Jhoanna got overwhelmed and changed her mind? If so, kailangan n’ya parin namang umuwi ng unit for her stuff.

Colet audibly curses, hating that her mind is already in the worst fucking case scenario. Usap talaga—kailangan nilang mag-usap.

Like many other formal agreements, Colet knows they need to talk about rights and obligations—as much as she hates confronting her feelings like that. Para hindi na s’ya nagwowonder kung pwede ba talaga s’ya mag-demand kay Jhoanna to tell her where she is.

She types slowly, forming her words carefully.

colet masunget [11:55am]: hi jho, uwi ka ba today?

The sound of the text sending also sends Colet in a state of both anxiety and excitement. Throwing the phone on her bed, Colet lets out a small squeal as she focuses on her task at hand.

Jhoanna’s reply was quick, which made Colet immediately jump on her bed to fetch her phone, a huge beam on her face. Alright, she could use a break.

robles [11:56am]: Hi baby ko.

Colet bites her tongue instantly to downplay the smile that’s already on her face. Wala naman s’yang audience except for Remus and Quack pero kailangan parin n’yang maging maangas. And normally, the pet name would make her cringe. But it didn’t—not even a bit.

robles [11:56am]: Joke lang, baka cringe.

The three bubbles on her screen appear. She was still trying to figure out what to reply when the text came in.

robles [11:57am]: Anyway, sorry I forgot to tell you. Nasa office na me kanina pa. Received a text last minute na may f2f meeting daw today. Rushed from Lawton to BGC kaninang 6am. Buti I made it in time.

Colet lets out a sigh. So safe naman pala s’ya.

colet masunget [11:57am]: okay 😊

Colet bites her lip in disappointment. Sa dami ng gusto n’yang sabihin, it’s all that came out.

robles [11:58am]: photo image

robles [11:58am]: Bitin weekend. 🤧

Delikado. Sobrang delikado. Judging from how excessive her smiles and giggles are just from looking at the selfie Jhoanna had sent her, Colet couldn’t only think na delikadong delikado na talaga s’ya. 

It’s basically just a picture of Jhoanna being Jhoanna—she had half a nose scrunch, her signature duck pout and an overall deadpan—clad in a white button down over a red undershirt and what Colet guessed to be a pair of white jean skirt.

Like a giddy kid, Colet types.

colet masunget [11:58am]: did I save this picture or did this picture save me?

robles [11:59am]: Let me see you din :<

Colet wonders how Jhoanna could send her a selfie and ask for one during work hours. She notes the time, however. Pa-lunch break na rin kasi siguro—which also reminds Colet na hindi pa rin s’ya kumakain.

She panics, matitimbog na s’ya any time soon, knowing how Jhoanna tracks her eating schedule. Eye of the fucking hawk.

Colet tries her best to look nonchalant, posing with her tongue slightly poking out her mouth.

colet masunget [11:59am]: photo image

colet masunget [11:59am]: ano gusto mong dinner tonight ganda?

She opens the topic of food to not seem guilty.

robles [12:00pm]: Wallpaper ko na ‘to ngayon. 🤪

robles [12:00pm]: Too early to talk about dinner 🥲

robles [12:00pm]: Also, may dala kong food from the province HAHAHA

Colet laughs. There’s nothing more pinoy core than Jhoanna taking food from the province para iluwas sa Manila. Well, it’s fairly understandable because of the fact that nobody between the two of them can cook decently—home cooked meal level at least.

colet masunget [12:01pm]: anong food HAHAHA nag-sharon ka pa, di ka nahiya.

robles [12:01pm]: Gagi, padala ni Lola to kay Sheena. Tapos sabi ni mommy ipag-sharon daw kita ng laing 🤪 Nabanggit ko kasi gaano ka kahilig sa gulay.

Colet pouts. That’s not the case at all. Laro talaga ‘tong si Jhoanna. Well, ‘pag gulay naman ng mom ni Jhoanna, game s’yang kainin.

colet masunget [12:02pm]: okay po. anong oras ka uwi n’yan?

robles [12:03pm]: Mga 6pm-ish siguro jan na me.

Her heart did a little skip at the thought of Jhoanna coming home to her. Also, she contemplates if it’s time to ask her if they could talk.

colet masunget [12:04pm]: alright. can we talk later pag-uwi mo?

robles [12:04pm]: Of course. Glad you asked. :P

Colet sighs. Somehow, in some way, she could feel Jhoanna also wanted to have that talk so they could discuss about their newfound status. And although it still scares her, Colet couldn’t help but to feel…happy—electrified about their relationship moving forward. Because for the first time in her life, Colet isn’t constantly worried about when the other shoe is going to drop.

She’s just happy. Content.

colet masunget [12:05pm]: okay, ingat mamaya ah. try to have fun at work today. luto narin ako lunch ko kasi masunurin ako eh.

Colet locks her phone before Jhoanna could reply, standing up from her bed and hurriedly making her way to the kitchen to start rummaging the fridge for food.

She has time after her one p.m. labor standards class and before Jhoanna could come home at six p.m. It’s still fairly early and Colet already finished her twenty case digests goal for the weekend. And so, she thinks there is time to kill.

Gusto rin naman n’ya na umuwi si Jhoanna na malinis yung unit. It’s not entirely dirty but still, it could be a bit cleaner.

For that reason, Colet picks up her deep cleaning playlist and blasts it on her headphones, her head bobbing and swaying to the music as she sings while doing a general cleaning of the unit.

Colet jumps, feeling cold arms wrap around her waist from behind.

She must have lost track of time while cleaning. 

“Sorry—sorry.” Jhoanna panics, helping the girl get her headphones out. 

The older girl laughs, turning around so she could pull Jhoanna back into a long overdue hug. Jhoanna lets out a small ‘whoop’ just as Colet tugged her.

“Hi…” She hears Jhoanna say, her low tone sending vibrations over Colet’s chest.

Finally, after long grueling hours of waiting. She’s here. And she smells amazing. She smells like Jhoanna—sweet and homey. The scent of her skin, and perhaps a hint of her favorite vanilla perfume evokes a warmth and safety that’s enough to send Colet in a state of bliss. 

“Hi.” She replies, pressing her lips over the exposed skin of Jhoanna’s collarbone to take another whiff.

It did something to Jhoanna because she felt the other girl shift.

“Asus.” Jhoanna says, tightening her embrace around Colet’s waist. “Na-miss ako n’yan?”

Colet nods, disregarding how easy she could melt under the younger girl’s touch. And even if she resists Jhoanna’s spell now, she knows it’s a fight she’ll lose.

She could feel the younger girl running her hand up and down her back, as Colet clung onto her like her life depended on it. She doesn’t know how long they have been hugging for because Colet is already lost in it.

Warm—hot blood rushes across her cheeks and up to the tip of her nose just as Jhoanna planted a small peck on her left cheek, and for a moment Colet thought she was going to combust. The electricity that traveled from her face down to her core was intoxicating and there is only one thing on Colet’s mind—she could get used to it, them feeling physically comfortable with each other.

And as if Colet wasn’t already in the brink of explosion, Jhoanna mutters something to her ear.

“I love you too.”

Colet’s smile reaches her eyes—pausing, blinking, unable to know what to say because…Jhoanna loves her—a fact she already knew about but still sends water to her eyes. They love each other.

She pulls away experiencing a quick flashback of the moments they shared, the days spent cuddled up in her bed, the way Jhoanna had looked when she fetched her at the station, the way they cling to each other so readily, never getting sick of one another, the way that goddamn girl looked at her every time Colet so much as smiled or laughed.

“Hindi mo ko binigyan ng chance mag-respond sa’yo nung isang araw, eh.” Jhoanna says.

Colet gives her a small smirk. “Okay lang. I-I think I did the right thing.” She says because hearing Jhoanna say these words to her here is so much better than hearing it over the phone. 

And then Colet is melting again, because Jhoanna is holding her face, her thumb caressing the cheek that she just kissed. The level of affection Colet is accommodating right now from Jhoanna is overwhelming. Jhoanna’s gaze could easily drown her.

Breathing under water—that is how she’ll survive.

Jhoanna gives her an eyeroll. Colet thinks it’s their thing—eyerolls.

“Natapos mo ba ‘yung mga need mong tapusin this weekend?” The younger girl asks.

Colet responds by giving her a nod. Zooming out, she sees the bags that Jhoanna had to carry.

“Dapat nag-text ka or tinawagan mo ko para nasundo kita ulit. Sobrang dami mo namang dala.”

Jhoanna chuckles as they pull away from each other. She makes her way to the bedroom to probably change clothes as Colet grew curious of what Jhoanna brought.

Carefully, she examines the tote bags loaded with food.

“Jusko, may cake pa…” She comments.

“Andaming sobra eh!” Jhoanna says from the bedroom. She didn’t actually expect the girl to hear her. “Okay lang yan, tinext ko na sila Sheena. Anjan naman daw sila. Okay lang invite sila to dinner?”

“Oo, basta maglilinis lang…” Colet responds, already sorting out the medium-sized disposable food trays that Jhoanna has brought from the province.

Jhoanna then emerges from the bedroom in a white halter sando and a pair of gray jogger pants, eye contacts off but makeup still on. Colet wasn’t able to turn her head completely when she was enveloped in another back hug from the younger girl. Jhoanna plants her chin on Colet shoulders.

“Okay ka lang?” Colet asks, noticing now that the girl is clingier than usual.

Jhoanna nods, her thumb drawing circles over Colet’s arms again.

“Wala lang…kasi sabi mo love mo ako eh.”

“Oo…” Colet affirms.

“Bakit?” Jhoanna asks.

The question catches Colet by surprise. And so, she takes a deep breath. She knows she loves Jhoanna, but the question tugs at every single one of her heart strings undeniably.

Colet hums, as they stood gently swaying in the kitchen.

“Kasi…” Colet chuckles, ruminating on the little reasons why she actually loves the girl. “Hindi ka makatulog nang hindi nakalabas ‘yung isa mong paa sa blanket.”

“Huh…?”

Jhoanna’s puzzled look does not stop Colet. “You scrunch your nose kapag nagpapa-cute ka. Tapos sobrang kamukha mo talaga si Chicken Little ‘pag nagpapa-baby ka.”

That earned a soft slap from Jhoanna.

Colet keeps her tone low, just enough so only the two of them could hear. “Love kita kasi…sobrang hilig mo mag-iwan ng baso na hindi mo huhugasan t’wing ikaw ‘yung nakatoka sa paghuhugas ng pinggan. I don’t…actually know what you intend to do with that one piece of glassware…bakit palagi…palagi mong iniiwan sa counter but you do.”

“Gagamitin ko pa kasi iinom pa ko!” Jhoanna protests.

“Because pa-check out na tayo sa grocery counter pero dahil nakalimutan mong bilhan si Sheena ng favorite n’yang ice cream, iiwan mo ko dun to panic.” Colet says in a fit of laughter. “Because you take care of everyone…lalong lalo na sila Sheena at yung mga tao sa kabilang unit even if it means getting the shorter end of the bargain for you.”

Jhoanna squeezes her arm.

“I mean, dinala mo lahat ng pagkain na ‘to maghapon just so you could feed us with something healthier than take out.” Colet explains. “And…gutom na ko talaga kasi naaamoy ko na ‘tong lasagna na dala mo pero kung kailangan mo talagang marinig kung bakit mahal kita…I can go on all night.”

And it’s true. Colet knows that by this point, she’ll never run out of things to love about Jhoanna. And these are things na sa ibang tao n’ya pa lang ginagawa…separate from what she’s done for Colet entirely.

Jhoanna buries face unto Colet’s neck, trying to hide the blush that’s already there.

“Okay na…” She says muffled. “Okay na siguro ‘yon.” She giggles.

“Listen, Jho…” Colet starts as she looks at Jhoanna in the eyes, the younger girl’s arm still wrapped around her own waist. The intensity of Jhoanna’s gaze stops Colet from initiating a much deeper conversation. And as she looks down on the younger girl’s lips, she couldn’t help but give in to the loud pounding in her ears.

She could see Jhoanna’s shoulders heaving, as the younger girl lean in partly.

Shutting her eyes, Colet does her part to close the distance, letting their foreheads press against each other.

“Jho…” Colet calls, partly in hesitation—if Jhoanna is comfortable enough to do this.

Jhoanna shakes her head.

Just as Colet was beginning to lose herself in their super charged moment, the loud, rhythmic knocking on the door shattered the silence.

“Hello! We’re here!!”

They hear Sheena and Stacey call from the other side of the door.

Jhoanna laughs in defeat letting her head fall on Colet’s shoulder.

It’s okay, there are lots of time to talk and kiss. They can do it later…before bed. Or tomorrow or the day after. She knows Jhoanna isn’t going anywhere, and neither is she.

It was loud and noisy since they let the girls in to have dinner. It was one of the most chaotic dinners that Colet ever had the chance of attending. And even saying that is putting it lightly. With Sheena and Jhoanna’s non-stop story-telling about their childhood together and Stacey’s out of the blue singing that always leads to them joining in, the first ounce of silence that they’ve tasted was when the girls retired to their unit to rest.

Colet sits on her side of the bed fresh from taking a shower. She looks at the time. Eleven thirty p.m. It’s late and she doubts if Jhoanna still wants to talk, given na weekday din tomorrow.

She anxiously fiddles with Remus’ black shirt, hugging the plushie as she collapses on the bed.

Colet’s lips curve into another smile, thinking about her little speech earlier.

“Smile smile ka jan.” Jhoanna says as she barges in the bedroom, clad in just a towel. “Sinong nagpapangiti sayo?! Sabihin mo!” She teases, making her way to the drawers to slip into her PJs.

Colet just chuckles, holding half of her body up by the elbow to watch Jhoanna get dressed. She watches as the younger girl squirm under her watch while she slips one leg into her pajamas.

A random thought suddenly passes through her head.

“Kamusta pala sila tita?”

“Hmm?” Jhoanna hums, as she slips into an oversized shirt.

“Last Saturday, ‘di ba? Nu’ng nasa zoom meeting tayo, pumasok sila bigla.” Colet says. “Did they say anything after?”

Jhoanna tilts her head as she dries her hair with her towel. “Wala naman na silang nasabi…”

The older girl nods. “Ah…okay. Pero sa tingin mo ba, like…suspicious sila?”

“Parang hindi naman.” Jhoanna shrugs. “At least kilala ka na nila.”

Colet nods again because if it comes down to it, she knows she’ll face Jhoanna’s parents with her head held up high. But it still makes her cower, she’s never done that before. And certainly not for someone she is merely exclusively dating—which brings her to the question: what does it really mean when someone is exclusively dating another?

Once Jhoanna is sure her hair is dry—because she knows how much Colet hates it when she lays down on the bed with wet hair—she squeezes herself between the older girl’s legs.

“Okay, ready na ko.”

“Hmm?”

“Sa talk…’di ba sabi mo mag-uusap tayo.” Jhoanna offers, reaching for a button of Colet’s pajama top to fidget on it.

Colet takes a deep breath. She was kind of hoping Jhoanna would be too tired to talk, given na galing pa s’ya ng Calamba today. Medyo umasa kasi s’ya na sana bukas nalang pag-usapan, even though she was the one who initiated it. But she knows must face this.

“Sige, kasi ‘di ba…sabi natin exclusively dating?” Colet begins. “Ano ba ibig sabihin n’on?”

Colet fights the laughter that’s brewing in her stomach. She cannot believe she’s asking Jhoanna what it means—Jhoanna who has never been in a relationship before, Jhoanna who probably doesn’t know the answer to the question as well.

“It means…” Jhoanna grips the fabric of the older girl’s pajama top and pulls her closer to her. “Sa akin ka na, at sa’yo na ko.”

Colet smirks, pushing herself away partly. “Sigurado ka?”

“Oo, google natin para sure.” Jhoanna then proceeds to take out her phone, typing on it with her tongue slightly poking on the side of her mouth. “Exclusively dating—” She reads, “Dating exclusively is what it sounds like – you see only the person you're dating rather than juggling several options at once. It's not quite the commitment a full-on monogamous relationship demands – but it does mean you put away those dating apps and ignore that flirty hottie in the bar.”

Jhoanna looks up, as if trying to remember something.

“Wala namang dating apps…” She says.

And Colet, in the mood to tease, says, “Pero merong flirty hottie sa bar.”

Jhoanna rolls her eyes at her.

Actually, malakas lang ‘yung loob ni Colet ngayon to tease but in reality, she’s still a little jealous over that…incident. She lets out a nervous laugh.

“Kinukulit ka pa ba n’on?”

“Actually, after his last messages na nagtatanong kung nasa’n ako that night, wala naman na.”

Colet looks at her tauntingly. 

Jhoanna laughs. “Wala nga!”

Colet tries to smile at Jhoanna because, if in case Jhoanna really wanted to explore talking to the guy, Colet wouldn’t crucify her for it. If Colet was to condemn Jhoanna for using her looks to her advantage, she would be the greatest hypocrite there is. 

“Selos ka?” Jhoanna teases, as she pins down Colet’s knees on the bed, towering over her. And Colet thinks, there is it again–seductive siren.

Colet looks up, eyes fixed on Jhoanna’s as the younger girl then plants her hands on the side of her head. 

“Lakas mo mang-asar ah.” She gives her a confident smirk. “So what if I am?” Colet taunts.

Kung ano ‘yung trip ni Jhoanna ngayon, sasakyan lang din ni Colet. Mostly because she wants to see how the girl would continue on, if Jhoanna can really own up to her teasing. 

Jhoanna lowers herself until her body is practically pressed over Colet’s and the older girl could know–ascertain in fact–the flavor of shampoo the younger girl used to shower earlier. Jhoanna lets her breath ghost over the lobe of Colet’s ear.

“...quack.”

Colet turns her head to give Jhoanna a look of disbelief.

“Roberto.”

And then it hits Colet.

“Magsama kayo ni Quack Roberto, your anti-silos companion.” Jhoanna laughs, pulling away and settling down on the spot next to Colet. She reaches for the yellow plushie and smacks Colet right in the face. 

“Aray ah!” Colet complains, launching herself over Jhoanna, as she pins the younger girl’s arms over her head this time. She attacks the girl’s waist immediately—Jhoanna screaming for help as she tries to push Colet away in an attempt to block the offending hand. Colet immediately lets go of her arms to put a hand over Jhoanna’s mouth to silence the girl’s yelping. “Quack Roberto ah…”

And as Jhoanna’s laugh echo around the walls of their bedroom, Colet arrived at the decision that Jhoanna has probably the best laugh in the world. It sparks a kaleidoscope of emotions that ranges from joy to euphoria to ecstasy inside her.

“Di na….di na po!” The girl pants, gasping for air.

“Makulit ka ah.” Colet pokes. “Magkukulit ka pa?”

“Hindi—” Jhoanna attempts, her chest heaving up and down as she gasps for air. “No na po.”

Colet pauses, letting the girl breathe. Her smile then dissipates into something softer, chocolate brown eyes stare up into her own, filled with nothing but love and affection, and Colet’s heart utterly melts at the sight, just like it does every time they share a look.

Jhoanna pulls her down again, gently this time, their eye contact never breaking until their foreheads are pressed against each other once more.

Colet will never be able to fully wrap her head around how this happened. If she’s going to go back in time and tell the younger Colet—the one that was broken by life, that she was going to find love again after her heart has been shattered to pieces, she’ll probably never believe it. But here she is—wrapped up in Jhoanna’s arms and she has never felt safer.

It will take a minute but she definitely has no problem getting used to this.

Soft hues of yellow and pink burst around them again and there is that familiar pounding in Colet’s ears.

She doesn’t know when Jhoanna’s hand reached the back of her neck but she feels it now, massaging her scalp.

Their noses are now touching and Colet readies herself by closing her eyes.

“Are…you sure?” Colet whispers, as she opens her eyes one last time to look at Jhoanna—to make sure she is sure. Because even an ounce of doubt—hell even a fucking grain of hesitation and Colet would pull back and retreat.

But as she stares into the younger girl’s eyes—eyelids heavy and all, all she sees is determination—passion.

“Yes.” Jhoanna says firmly, voice still thick with desire.

Colet holds her body up by one hand, and cups Jhoanna’s face with the other, her fingertips grazing over Jhoanna’s neck. She smiles, feeling how that beautiful pulse point is also racing under her touch.

Slowly, she lowers herself down again.  This time she did not hesitate. Jhoanna is sure. Jhoanna wants to kiss her. That’s all that matters.

And as Colet captures Jhoanna’s bottom lip with her own, she could not help the puff of air that she let out—sighing and settling into Jhoanna’s embrace. It’s like she’s been drowning and that was the first breath of air she took.

She could also feel Jhoanna breathe tiredly into the kiss, the hand scratching at her scalp tangling into her hair as Colet tilts her head to land another, firmer peck. Content, Colet tries to pull away. But she was stopped before she could even move. Jhoanna invites her to go deeper as the younger girl kisses her back, her mouth opening slightly.

And Colet could only comply, for tonight she is but a loyal servant.

And as their tongues meet languidly, all that Colet can think about in this moment is making Jhoanna feel as good as she makes her feel.

Buzz. Buzz.

She hears Jhoanna croak, probably in annoyance. But Colet is determined to push whatever intrusion that is to the back of their minds. And so, Colet tries to revert the younger girl’s attention back to her by trailing her lips over the corner of her mouth, down her jawline in slow, soft kisses, desperate to worship every inch of the girl beneath her.

Buzz. Buzz.

Buzz. Buzz.

Annoyed, Jhoanna lightly pushes Colet away to fetch her phone.

“Hindi sakin.” Jhoanna says.

Puzzled, Colet knits her eyebrows together. She fetches her own phone from where it was disregarded earlier to look at who could possibly be messaging her at this ungodly hour.

+639274077019 [11:50am]: col, can we talk?

+639274077019 [11:50am]: pwede mo bs kong puntshan ngayon please.

“Who is it?” She hears Jhoanna ask.

And before Colet could respond, they hear Jhoanna’s phone vibrate as well. Curious, Colet takes a peak at the younger girl’s screen.

Adadiee [11:51am]: talked to my dad and he said he’s interested to look at ur work.

Adadiee [11:51am]: we can set a meeting as soon as you follow me back :P

Chapter Text

It’s strange, now that she can actually feel and think about it. It was a strange feeling seeing the person that you love in the arms of the person that they used to love. And as Jhoanna tries to recall that night, she cannot help but think it to be an out of body experience—one driven by pure adrenalin, desperation to seek shelter for a stranger.

A stranger who once lived within these very walls—a stranger who once called Jhoanna’s home her own.

And Jhoanna is a lot of things but unkind. But if she were to say that something inside her did not catch fire or not already burning at the sight of Maloi’s head on Colet’s shoulder from the reflection of the rear mirror in Mikha’s car, it would be like a lie spewed out of the mouth of the dirtiest politician she could think of.

It hurts more than Jhoanna could’ve anticipated it hurting, but it hurts.

Jhoanna tries to blink the confusion away, looking at Colet who immediately stood up and is now pacing back and forth trying to dial the number.

After the location was sent, hindi na nila ma-contact ‘yung number na nag-text. And although Jhoanna has an idea who could it probably be, she still clung to the slim possibility that it wasn’t her.

Colet’s phone buzzes.

“Sa kanya nga.” Colet says, looking at Jhoanna.

“Sure ba si Aiah?” Jhoanna asks.

“Oo daw.”

Jhoanna could only nod.

She sees Colet pause, tucking her phone under her chin nervously. “Jho, I feel responsible.” Colet immediately says. And Jhoanna could attest to the look of guilt evident in the older girl’s face. “Shit. She might be drunk kasi sobrang daming typos.”

Seeing Colet in a state of panic, Jhoanna takes one look over the screen of her phone briefly before tucking it away. It’s a thing they can talk about later. She doesn’t even know if she’s just too drunk to remember bringing up to the guy that she’s making a demo.

“Dadaanan daw ako nila Mikha. We’re going to the location.” Colet walks closer to Jhoanna from where she’s seated at the bed. “Dito ka nalang. Maaga pa pasok mo bukas.”

Jhoanna’s heart sinks. She’s going to see her.

“Sama ako, please?” She takes a hold of Colet’s arm.

“Jho…”

“Please?” Jhoanna asks. “Ayokong maiwan dito mag-isa.”

Colet slowly nods. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Just as Jhoanna was trying to get up to start preparing, Colet halted her with an arm, pulling her back to the bed and cradling her face with her hands. “I’m sorry this is happening.” Colet says. “I just wanna say…na this changes nothing between us. I just…I feel responsible. Sa akin s’ya nag-text, I have to at least try to make sure she’s safe.”

Jhoanna looks up at Colet, nodding, trying to be as understandable as she can.

And she doesn’t know if it’s also the people pleaser in her but she is just…really finding it impossible to say no.

Her phone buzzes again, a few times, actually, but Jhoanna doesn’t pick it up. She can’t find it in her to do so. She knows they’re either messages from Adie, or messages from someone she doesn’t care about. So really, what’s the point?

“I’m really sorry.”

“Stop apologizing, Col. Hanapin muna natin s’ya. The clock is ticking, lumalalim ‘yung gabi. We have to move.” Jhoanna says, and she means it. The night could be dangerous for a pretty girl like Maloi. Safety muna—that much she can wrap her head around.

“Okay.” Colet says, giving Jhoanna another reassuring squeeze before unlocking her phone to look at Mikha’s text. “Fifteen minutes daw ETA nina Miks. P’wede na siguro tayong magbihis?”

Jhoanna nods.

Hindi rin alam ni Jhoanna kung anong magandang dulot ng pagsama n’ya but she knows wants to see it for herself. Seeing how Colet panicked when she couldn’t contact the number after she received the drunk text, wala na rin talaga s’yang oras para pag-isipan pa. All she knows is she wants to be there.

She looks to the car window, desperate to entertain herself with the view of the city lights. At least Manila is pretty at night, well at least this portion of it. But it still does not diffuse the brewing anxiety inside Mikha’s car. Jhoanna could feel the tension in the way Colet is firmly squeezing her hand, and the best she could do was draw circles on it with her thumb.

“Col, pa-double check ulit if tama ‘yung address na naka-pin.” Mikha says, reaching for her phone on its holder to show it to Colet. “Five minutes ETA natin.”

Colet complies, opening her phone to look at the location sent via message and comparing it to their pinned location. The place is familiar to Jhoanna because she passes by this corner whenever she goes to her place of work.

“Uptown Mall, ninth avenue…”

She hears Colet read out lout.

“Tama naman.” She affirms, giving Mikha’s phone back to her.

Jhoanna lets out a shaky breath. Here we go.

They arrive at the corner and Maloi is nowhere to be found. It almost frustrated Mikha, their driver, because this is a non-stopping corner and staying here for just five minutes is enough to earn her a ticket. Thankfully, Aiah had an idea. They were going to split up, with Jhoanna and Aiah taking the lead to search for the east portion, and Colet and Mikha first finding a secured parking space before searching the west.

Colet initially wanted Jhoanna to go with her, but Jhoanna knows it makes much more sense to just go with Aiah.

After about three minutes of brisk walking, Aiah slowed down.

“Jho, are you okay?”

Confused, Jhoanna almost comes into a stop. “Yes, Ate. Why?”

“Wala lang, I just kinda wanna ask how you’re comfortable with all of this…”

Jhoanna continues walking, but slower this time. And Aiah joins in her pace, so slow one could mistake them for just going out in their moonlight walk. “Di ko alam, Ate. It feels weird lang. Pero I don’t think I should be thinking about my feelings ngayon. We just need to focus on finding her kasi delikado na talaga ngayon.”

“I agree, Jho. But that doesn’t mean na you could just disregard your feelings.”

“She’s your friend too, isn’t she?”

“Yes...” Aiah’s answer was low.

Jhoanna appreciates Aiah’s effort to help the situation—truly. And it might just be what she needs to ready herself for what’s about to happen. But right now, it’s really still a blur for her. They need to find her asap. Because although this girl is a stranger for her, she sees how Colet still cares for her. Even though it hurts to admit, it’s a truth that she needs to face. Even Aiah and Mikha cares for her. And anyone important to the people that Jhoanna loves, is also important to her.

“I just hope that whatever happens tonight…it won’t change kung nasa’n na kayo ni Col ngayon.” Aiah starts again. “I’ve never seen Colet this happy again. In fact, I’ve never seen her this happy ever . When I met her, she was this shy kid who had a dream. She was a massive introvert and so she did all that she could to overcome that…you know kasi kailangan n’ya sa law school. I’ve watched her grown into this fierce, confident lady who had a drive that I’ve never seen with anybody else before. But I could still see her holding her breath—parang palagi na lang nag-iintay na may mangyaring hindi maganda…”

It makes Jhoanna chuckle but she also knows Aiah isn’t one to exaggerate at times like this. She stays silent nonetheless, still processing Aiah’s words.

“Alam mo ba. Nag-drop by ako sa unit kanina kasi kukunin ko ‘yung extra kong charger. I saw her singing and dancing habang nag-vavacuum. Hindi n’ya ko agad nakita kasi naka-earphones s’ya pero ako kitang kita ko s’ya.” Aiah giggles. “It’s such a weird sight. Ang saya saya n’ya jusko…”

“Pinapasaya n’ya rin naman ako, Ate Aiah.” Jhoanna replies. “Sobra…”

She sees Aiah nod. As an only child who ever really relied on her cousins for support while also belonging to the older cousin line, Jhoanna feels relieved that somehow, she has found an Ate in Aiah. They all have.

“Pero hindi ko pa rin kasi alam kung paano sasabihin sa mommy at daddy ko…”

Aiah gives her a sympathetic smile. “It’s okay, Jho. At your pace…”

“H-How was it like with you, Ate? Nung…sinabi mo sa parents mo?”

Aiah lets out a puff of air. “Whoo! Okay…” She giggles. “I don’t have a big coming out story. I guess I got really lucky with my parents—na open sila with it. Pero syempre kinabahan pa rin ako n’on, no? You know nothing is scarier than that moment—na sasabihin mo na sa kanila who you truly are—and you know na once it’s done, there’s no going back. You cannot change their reaction or if they want to accept you. It’s kind of like…cliff diving.”

Jhoanna smiles nervously. That actually makes a lot of sense.

Her heart feels comfortable with Aiah. After all, this is isn’t the first time that they’ve talked about this. And it’s right there when she figured out, she can tell Aiah anything.

“A-Ate Aiah.” Jhoanna calls, fighting the urge to chew on her fingernails. “Can I ask something?”

“Sure.” Aiah says, her head twisting and turning in a subtle effort to still look for Maloi.

“Kasi…ano—nag-ano…nag-kiss kami ni Col kanina…”

Aiah widens her eyes, putting a hand on her arm and squeezing it tightly. “What?”

“First kiss ko kasi ‘yon.” Jhoanna says, her cheeks getting warmer as she tugs on the material of her favorite UPLB hoodie. “Tapos…grabe, di naman ata ‘to question but…gano’n pala ‘yung feeling no’n?”

“What do you mean?”

Jhoanna is dragging her shoes to the ground at this point. “Parang, sobrang hirap to keep my eyes closed tapos ang sakit sa t’yan.”

She suspects it’s impossible, but Aiah’s kind eyes looked even kinder.

“Pan’ong masakit sa t’yan?”

“Dito.” Jhoanna then points to her lower belly. “Lalo n’ung hindi natuloy…”

Aiah full on giggles this time, probably already having an idea what Jhoanna is referring to. Uncomfortable talaga ‘yun ‘pag di natutuloy.

“Was it like you expected it to be?” Aiah asks her.

Jhoanna bites her lip, a surge of excitement pumps through her veins—remembering the feeling of Colet’s soft lips crashing into hers, how she touched and held her, how the fireworks in her stomach felt uncomfortable and yet entirely not unwelcomed when Colet started to kiss the sides of her mouth to the exposed skin on her collarbone… “No Ate, it was more…”

Aiah lights up immediately after hearing Jhoanna’s response, taking the girl’s hand as they share a loud squeal, jumping up and down.

Their little celebration was soon cut short by Aiah’s phone going off.

“Si Miks.” She says before putting the phone to her ear. “Bub…”

Jhoanna notices Aiah’s entire demeanor changing, and it pulls her back to her own nervous state.

“Okay, sige sige…” Aiah takes Jhoanna’s hand gently. “Pabalik na kami ni Jho…”

They might have found her.

“Alright, bye.” Aiah puts her phone at once before looking to Jhoanna. “Nahanap na raw nila. We need to hurry, kailangan nila ng tulong to carry.”

A chill runs up Jhoanna’s spine as she runs with Aiah back to the corner where Mikha and Colet had dropped them off, mentally preparing herself for what’s about to happen.

As it turns out, no amount of mental preparation could prepare Jhoanna as she sees the stranger—Maloi, being carried by Colet, with Aiah and Mikha’s help, to be laid down at the back of Mikha’s car. They had found her in a convenience store some five blocks away from the sent location—drunk, passed out and muttering only Colet’s name. She was lucky there was a security guard, who also did not take advantage of her.

Jhoanna feels like an outsider, as she stood a few inches from the car—just watching the commotion, unsure of what to do.

Colet had voluntarily sat on the back seat to help Maloi get situated, seeing as she did not have much choice. The girl had practically clung onto her like barnacles on a lobster’s head.

“Bub, you sit na rin sa likod.” Mikha says, adjusting Maloi’s torso so she can comfortable. “You know where the plastic bags are…can’t risk having suka all over the car.”

And that leaves her to sit on the passenger seat, with a front row view of this stranger—Maloi, practically hogging all of Colet, her arm draped around her neck, head resting on her shoulder.

And it was as if she lost all her way of thinking, her entire world slowing down. All she could do was yield as she slowly opens the front door of Mikha’s car, her face absent with any expression. It was cruel and unlike anything she’s ever experienced in her life.

X

Their ride back to Sta. Mesa was quiet, save for the few times that Maloi gagged and actually puked on Aiah’s plastic bag. Girl is still passed out cold in Colet’s arms.

Jhoanna had observed Colet’s reaction and so far, it has been fairly neutral. If anything, she thinks Colet is more worried about her feelings, guessing from the looks that they’ve been exchanging in the rear mirror.

They had debated kung saan nila dadalhin si Maloi and since nobody actually knows kung saan na s’ya nakatira ngayon, they all agreed to just sleep in the unit na lang—even Aiah and Mikha, until they can sort this out in the morning. Madaling araw na rin kasi talaga and they all have a full day tomorrow. Especially Jhoanna.

The elevator ride to the fourteenth floor was a lot easier than when they were trying to get Maloi in the car. It’s nearing three in the morning, and Jhoanna fears there’s not enough time for proper sleep left. It’s going to be awkward, once they reach the room—she’s almost certain of it.

Once they got in, Mikha and Aiah wasted no time in helping Maloi get settled on the couch. That couch is comfortable alright, but it’s not comfortable enough for one to spend the night on. It’s hot in the living area, the only source of ventilation being a ceiling fan.

“D-Du’n nalang s’ya sa tabi ni Col sa loob…” Jhoanna volunteers, feeling so out of place. These four have been friends for forever and she’s only ever been in the picture two months ago.  

Aiah and Mikha give Colet a look.

“Don’t be stupid, Jho.” Colet tells her. “Du’n ka sa tabi ko sa loob.” She says firmly.

“Mainit dito.” Jhoanna offers, looking down. She knows it’s just the insecurity talking but she doesn’t care.

“Exactly…” Colet insists, taking off the black cap that she was wearing. “It’s either this couch or the seven eleven bench we found her in for her. Maswerte na s’yang nand’yan s’ya sa couch na ‘yan.”

Aiah and Mikha exchange a look, feeling like they’re intruding into the girls’ conversation. “Kuha lang namin ng damit ‘to sa loob. Meron pang mga natirang damit si Aiah dito, I think…” Mikha says, excusing themselves.

Once they’re finally alone—as alone as they can be notwithstanding the girl passed out on the couch, Colet reaches for Jhoanna to offer her a hug.

“Hey, I know this is a lot to take in.” Colet offers, still holding out her arms for Jhoanna to take.

And although Jhoanna has fully grasped the idea—has anticipated the events in some way, she still couldn’t help but feel the pain and sadness gnawing in her core.

“Colet…”

The girl raises her eyebrows at her.

And for once since she saw them back in the arms of one another in Mikha’s car, Jhoanna lets go—a pool of tears threatening to fall from her eyes. Jhoanna looks away, her guilt eating at her. She knows it’s irrational—being all jealous and insecure over a drunk ex. She guesses her heart just became so full that it overflowed and now hot tears are rolling down her face.

It’s the way Colet was so ready to fetch her, even if it means leaving Jhoanna alone in the unit, that really drives the knife deeper into her chest. She was right in not entirely letting go of the speculation. Maybe Colet still has feelings for the girl and she’s just too afraid to address it?

She thinks the fatigue had something to do with it as well.

“Shit…”

She hears Colet curse, as the girl tries to envelope her in a hug.

“I’m so sorry, Jho.”

Colet offers her arms again, and Jhoanna, already devoid of any reason not to give in, falls into the older girl’s arms.

“Ang…” Jhoana gasps, wiping her own tears away. “Ang sakit pala nito…” She says, half chuckling.

She could feel Mikha and Aiah hovering behind her back, unable to do or say anything. It’s been a long night for everyone and she knows discussing things right now, when their emotions and fatigue are high, will only complicate things.

And so, Jhoanna pulls away from Colet’s embrace to look at the two girls. She sniffs, wiping her tears with the sleeve of her hoodie. “Tulog na tayo, guys.” She says, before slowly walking to the direction of the bedroom.

“Jho…” She hears Colet call before Aiah is stopping her.

“Hayaan mo muna, Col.” She hears Aiah say.

They slept on the same bed that night, with Jhoanna’s back turned to Colet. During the first hour, she felt Colet’s piercing gaze on her back, probably waiting for Jhoanna to come to her—for any movement at all because Jhoanna stayed so still. Hell, Colet was even worried if the girl was still breathing.

But eventually, Colet fell asleep. And as the girl beside her doze off, Jhoanna slowly releases the thunderstorm brewing in her heart.

Jhoanna wakes up wanting to take Ibuprofen for the soreness that she feels on her entire face. She knew crying and breaking down until she fell asleep last night would make her eyes sore but she didn’t expect her entire face would hurt so bad like this.

She groans, reaching for her phone to turn off her eight thirty alarm. Sinagad n’ya na ‘yung tulong n’ya this time kasi five a.m. na rin yata s’ya nakatulog kagabi. Her shift starts at nine a.m. and she wonders what kind of work she can finish with so little sleep.

With all her might, she sits up.

Jhoanna doesn’t curse but this situation is so worthy of the meanest, baddest curse she can think of. Pucha, sobrang sakit talaga ng mukha n’ya.

Running cold water on it might help.

She adjusts her white shirt, putting on her thick-framed glasses before looking around—tulog na tulog pa ‘yung mag-jowa. Sana all.

Her bunkmate, however, is nowhere to be found. And as her mind fully slips onto consciousness, hearing the bickering passing through the thick walls of their bedroom, she might have an idea where Colet has wandered off to.

It’s kind of like when she was still living under her parents’ roof—when her dad did something half stupid and her mother was left with zero patience to deal with his bullcrap.

Jhoanna huffs, thinking that she’s already learned her lesson. She let her curiosity get the better of her last night and she’s not about to make the same mistake again. Whatever unfinished business Colet has with Maloi, she needs to deal with it on her own. She needs to get out of the crosshairs.

She mentally slaps herself, however, because her laptop is in the kitchen counter. She needs to get out there and get it para makapag-log in sa trabaho. Sa ayaw at sa gusto n’ya. Shit. Fuck. Sana may sumaksak sa kanya ngayon.

The girl lets the time pass, casually scrolling on her phone to look at the recent news, wondering what kind of articles would be up for review today. She’s still ignoring the fact that her face needs some ice-cold water and that she is severely dehydrated from crying her heart out last night.

It was already nearing nine a.m. and Jhoanna wondered if the bickering would stop at all. Irritated, she haphazardly throws the blanket away as she stands up. She retreats immediately back to the bed though, still not brave enough to intrude on Colet and Maloi’s discussion.

She anxiously looks at the time. Kailangan n’ya na talagang mag-log in. If not, makakaltasan sahod n’ya. Wala pa naman s’ya grace period since project employee lang s’ya.

Taking a deep breath, she walks slowly to the direction of the door. She twists the door knob intentionally slowly—para lang may konting warning ‘yung dalawa na may lalabas.

And even after all that, what she saw nearly sent her to the floor.

It took a while before it registered. And suddenly, the pain in Jhoanna’s face didn’t matter anymore. Because no other pain could hold water to this—to the sight of Colet back in Maloi’s arms again. And this time, Jhoanna is sure it isn’t one sided because Colet is very visibly, running a hand down Maloi’s back.

The sound of the bedroom door closing makes the two girls jump. But they didn’t separate right away. At least, not Maloi.

“S-Sorry.” Jhoanna says, looking away. She fidgets with her glasses, adjusting them awkwardly. “K-Kailangan ko kasi ‘yung laptop ko, nasa…Actually—” She says walking briskly to the direction of the counter to awkwardly fish for all her stuff—laptop, charger, mouse, mouse pad.

“Jho.” Colet calls, walking towards Jhoanna’s direction. “Maloi was just about to leave.” She starts explaining, but tears are already on Jhoanna’s eyes.

“Jhoanna.”

That stops Jhoanna because Maloi is already calling her by her name. With tear-stained eyes, Jhoanna meets the girl’s gaze.

“Alam kong wala ako sa lugar kausapin ka, o magpaliwanag sa’yo. But I have to at least try.” Maloi begins. “Sobrang laking abala na nitong katangahan ko sa relationship n’yo. And I deeply apologize, Jhoanna. What you just saw is Colet just showing her kindness to me, like she always has.”

Jhoanna nods, not wanting to be rude. But this hurts her, physically, mentally, emotionally—in more ways than she could think of.

“Anyway, naka-book na ko ng grab ko.” Maloi gives her a bitter smile—one that Jhoanna knows is also full of hurt. “I won’t be bothering you guys anymore.” She turns to Colet. “Maraming salamat, Col—truly.” She looks back at Jhoanna. “Thank you, Jhoanna.”

Jhoanna gives her a curt nod.

“I hope you both take care of each other.”

Maloi exits the room leaving the two girls standing—looking at each other. And for the first time in Jhoanna’s life, she doesn’t know what to do, no plans whatsoever. All she hopes for is to survive the day. 

Jhoanna grips her duck plushie, hugging it tightly to her chest. She had resigned to the couch on the living area—the one where Maloi had spent the night on, laying and staring blankly at the rotating fan. She watches as the blades affixed on the motor do its job. 

“Alam mo ba na umiikot ng seventy six times sa isang minuto ‘yung ceiling fan?” She says absentmindedly. 

“Ha?” Stacey asks. “Patay, nabuang na.” 

It was nearing lunch time and Colet had decided to entirely miss school. After Maloi left, Jhoanna still refused to talk her. Kaya wala na ring ibang choice si Colet kung hindi matulog na lang. Jhoanna guesses na halos wala ring naitulog si Colet kagabi. 

Mikha and Aiah had also already left to go about their days. Not wanting to be entirely alone, Jhoanna had invited Staku to stay with her as she attempted to survive the rest of her shift. Thank God, work from home lang din s’ya today. 

“Ano na?” Stacey asks. “Andami mo pang gagawin oh.” She says, pushing Jhoana’s laptop closer to her, an unsubtle attempt to get the girl working again. 

“Lunch time na…” She replies softly, eyes still fixed on the ceiling. “Mamaya na yan.” 

“Ano? Titingala ka na na lang ba maghapon d’yan? Ano ba kasing nangyari?” 

“Basta, Staks… Mahirap i-explain.” 

The taller girl lets out a huff of annoyance. “Ewan ko sa’yo.” 

“Ang sakit kasi, Staks…” She says pouting, her face stinging again. “Ganito pala kasakit ‘yon. Kung alam ko lang sana hindi na lang ako sumama kagabi…” 

Jhoanna thinks about how Colet could do this to her—how she can sweep her so easily off her feet and then so easily lets her go from the height of all that to fall face first on the ground. Hindi n’ya rin alam kung saan s’ya nasasaktan—if it’s what she saw last night, their closeness this morning or the fact that they just had their first kiss—a momentous milestone in their relationship, and it was taken away from them. 

Stacey clucks her tongue, eyes still fixed on her phone though. “‘Yan kasi napapala mo, bida-bida ka kasi. Deserve mo ‘yan.” 

Jhoanna disregards Stacey’s playful banter this time, not in the mood for it entirely. She doesn’t take it out on the girl, however. If anything she’s more than blessed Stacey agreed to accompany her today. 

She knows it’s without malice kasi hindi rin naman alam ni Staku kung ano talaga ‘yung nangyari. But the girl’s  words sting like water on her open wound, and that translates into tears…more tears than what Jhoanna thought she was capable of making. 

“Ang sakit sakit…” She sniffs. 

“Gagi ka…” Stacey remarks, her voice now laced with concern. She comes closer to where Jhoanna’s sprawled on the couch, now sitting on the floor to give the girl a look. “Ano na nangyayari sa’yo?” 

Jhoanna doesn’t answer. She gets up instead and leans forward to be comforted by Stacey. 

Their duo isn’t one known to be serious. But Stacey guesses this is one of the few times na seryoso talaga ‘yung pinagdadaanan ni Jhoanna. So, she rubs her back, chuckling, because even though she thinks Jhoanna might be in serious pain, she still couldn’t shake off the fact that she looks like a heartbroken duckling. 

“Gusto mo ba ako na umaway?” Stacey asks. “Aawayin ko talaga ‘yang anger na ‘yan.” 

Jhoanna shakes her head, although she appreciates the gesture. 

And even though Stacey’s comfort has been delightful, she knows exactly who can comfort her at times like this. 

“Uuwi na lang siguro muna ko sa Calamba. Wala naman na kaming onsite this week.”

And as she falls into Stacey’s embrace once more, there is only one thing in her mind. When Colet pushed her away, she should have listened to her. 

“I cannot imagine…” Colet begins. “…the confusion that you must be feeling right now. But please Jho, don’t do this. Mag-usap tayo.”  

Jhoanna sniffs, even though she had stopped crying hours ago. She was just readying her backpack so she can leave for Calamba tonight. In fact, if she leaves now, she can still catch the last trip. Her back is turned to Colet as she fusses over the clothes that she is supposed to bring. 

Colet rubs her face with her hand as gently as she can, not wanting to come across as impatient. Jhoanna knows the girl is getting frustrated. She does not discredit the fact that Colet has also had a rough twenty four hours. 

“Babalik din ako, Col.” She says simply, trying to be as kind as possible. 

Jhoanna recognizes that she’s hurting. But that doesn’t give her the pass to hurt other people as well. She just really needs the space. 

She hears the bed creak followed by Colet’s footsteps. The footsteps didn’t cease until she could feel the girl physically hovering behind her. 

“Jho…”

Jhoanna then turns around, looking Colet in the eyes. “Babalik din ako.” She says again. 

A heavy exhale through the nose could be heard before Colet’s arm moves to grip Jhoanna’s waist, pulling her closer. 

“Can I…” Colet whispers, closing her eyes as she pulls Jhoanna even closer. “…please try to change your mind?” 

“I need space, Col.” Jhoanna says, detaching herself from the older girl. Slowly, she makes her way to the bed, discarding the bag that she is supposed to bring. Essentially, nagpalit lang sila ng position. 

Whatever Colet is planning, kahit anong klaseng lambing pa yan, it won’t work this time. Jhoanna is almost sure of it. 

“I know, pero p’wede mo ba kong pakinggan muna?” Colet pleads. 

Jhoanna sits on the bed, looking expectantly over Colet. Fine, maybe she can hear what she has to say. “Okay.” She says. 

There is a beat of silence. “Okay, shit. I don’t…know.” 

She watches as Colet struggles to put words together. 

“Mas nakakakaba pa ‘to kesa sa unang recit ko nung law school.” Colet starts, wiping the sweat on her palms off the material of her shorts. “B-But okay…” 

Colet starts to twist her head in a manner that looks like she’s searching for something.. 

“Okay, permission to approach the bench?” She clears her throat, before taking a big step closer to the bed. 

Jhoanna tilts her head in confusion, knitting her eyebrows profusely. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, this defendant does not plead guilty.” Colet announces. 

What is this girl doing? Jhoanna asks herself. 

“Anong ginagawa mo?” She still asks the question even though it is partly evident what Colet is about to do. She’s going to lawyer her way out of this whole mess. 

“Let me direct your attention to the defendant standing in front of you…”

It has not even started and Jhoanna is already fighting a smile. She’s a dork. Jhoanna is in love with a dork. 

“This defendant is a fool no doubt–she has loved and has been loved before but she has never met anyone like the plaintiff…” She stops abruptly to look at Jhoanna, trying her hardest not to burst out laughing. “This defendant has also known pain and it was for this reason that cultivated…” 

Jhoanna now couldn’t stop the smile on her face if she tried. 

“…the fear that was instilled in her.” 

Jhoanna giggles. Nakakabadtrip naman na nakakakilig na ewan ‘to. 

“But as the doctrine in the landmark case of Chua-Qua versus Honorable Clave tells us…” She trails off, this time looking at the younger girl so tenderly, Jhoanna could melt. “The heart has reasons of its own which reason itself does not know.”  

Jhoanna gives her the biggest eyeroll she could muster, her face hurting again but this time from stopping herself from smiling. Para namang sira ‘to. 

“Tumahimik ka na please lang.” She pleads in a fit of giggles, taking a hold of Colet’s wolf plushie Remus to throw it to her face. “Hindi ko na kaya. Mukha kang tanga.” 

Colet dodges the throw and surrenders chuckling. “Shet, buti nalang pinatigil mo na. Hindi ko na rin kaya. Hindi ko alam kung ano ‘yung mga pinagsasabi ko na ‘yun. Well, yung kaso totoo ‘yu—“ 

Jhoanna tugs on the girl to shut her up, pulling her down on the bed. 

“All jokes aside…” Colet says as she pulls Jhoanna closer on the bed. “What you walked in on was just a goodbye hug, nothing else. We actually talked…”

“Sinong hindi makakarinig nung pag-uusap n’yo… ang lakas lakas, ang aga aga eh.” 

Colet chuckles. “Medyo nagkataasan lang ng boses kasi ang tigas ng ulo n’ya nung una. Pero eventually…naging okay naman na.”

Jhoanna nods, finding comfort in the fact that somehow, Colet and Maloi have talked things out–kahit konti. 

“I know, what you saw hurt you. And there’s no amount of apology that could fix that, but at least let me try making it up to you by asking you…right now…”

Jhoanna raises her eyebrows, as Colet squirms.

“Sure naman na ko before na wala na ko talagang feelings towards her whatsoever…but I guess seeing her last night really cemented that idea. Seeing each other and having the chance to talk to her this morning really made me realize…”

The vibrations of Colet’s low voice send chills down Jhoanna’s spine. And Jhoanna thinks that it’s one of the greatest mysteries in the world–how Colet’s voice could instantly calm her down. 

“That life is fucking short. Make your decisions in life or life will make them for you. And Maloi made the decision to let me go…I’m not making that mistake with you.”

Jhoanna sighs happily. She smiles, finally feeling like it’s okay to bury her face into Colet’s neck. She lands a soft smack on the older girl’s arm. “Palibhasa kasi!” She says, giving Colet another hit. “Alam na alam mo kung pa’no ako kunin!”

She knows she said earlier na walang kahit anong klaseng lambing ‘yung makakapagpatiklop sa kanya, and she has never felt so glad to be proven wrong. 

Colet laughs.

“Tanungin mo na ko!”

“Ha? May dapat ba kong itanong sa’yo?”

Jhoanna whines, her fist gripping the material of Colet’s shirt, pulling her closer. 

“Fine…” Colet says softly. “Jhoanna Christine Robles…will you be my girlfriend?”

Chapter Text

“No…”

Jhoanna’s denial echo around the four walls of their shared bedroom. Colet blinks three times, her mouth agape.

“Ha?”

“No.” She repeats, closing her eyes and giving Colet her biggest smirk.

“Why?”

“Nanliligaw ka ba?” She looks up to Colet, taunting her by inching her face impossibly closer to the girl on top of her. “No.” She whispers, her smile far from innocent. “Papaiyakin mo ko mag-hapon kasi kinita mo ex mo tapos ngayon akala mo okay na lahat kasi jojowain mo na ko?”

Colet pokes her tongue through the corners of her cheeks. Tama naman nga. But still she tries. “I thought exclusively dating na tayo? Di ba ‘yun na ‘yung next step no’n?” She says. In all honesty, she doesn’t know jack shit about courting someone. She’s never done that in the past and she thinks it’s an outdated mode of asking someone out. But for Jhoanna, maybe she can make an exception.

“Exactly.” The younger girl sings. “Exclusively. Dating.” She pauses between words to emphasize. “Kailan ba tayo nag-date? Have you even asked me out? ‘Di ba ‘di pa naman? Oh, saksak mo sa baga mo ‘yang girlfriend girlfriend na ‘yan.”

Colet is in awe. She didn’t realize that they’ve never been on an actual date before. Puro landian at selosan lang. Tama naman si Jhoanna. Pangit rin naman nga na ‘yun lang din ‘yung maging foundation ng relationship nila.

Slowly, a smirk starts to form on Colet’s face. “Baka di mo kayanin makipag-date sakin?”

“Ay puro ka ganyan. I guess I will never know. Di mo naman ako dinedate.” Jhoanna taunts.

Colet gives Jhoanna a nonchalant nod. Alright, fine. Gusto ni Jhoanna ng date? Fine, she’ll give her the best dates she has ever been on.

It has to be planned well—given her limited free time. Not to mention, sobrang limited lang din talaga ng mga activities in Manila that Colet would consider worthy of her time. It won’t be easy. But she’s sure as hell going to try to make it work. It was safe to say that Colet is more determined, now more than ever to give this smug girl the good old sweeping off her feet.

Colet has already outlined a hundred date ideas in her head. That’s why when the younger girl mentioned the next day that she was only kidding, she simply couldn’t take it. Jhoanna had acknowledged the little free time that Colet has, and expressed her guilt in saying no. But deep down, Colet knows that Jhoanna is right. She has to give the girl her due. And damn, a girl like Jhoanna deserves the universe .

So, she simply couldn’t take it. No, hindi n’ya pa girlfriend si Jhoanna until she makes things right and get her shit together.

She bites her lip, trying to not to remember what she has actually subjected the girl that night. She fails desperately, however, as flashes of memories come flooding in her head. She buries her face on her arm, her body weight leaning entirely on the glass material of her study table.

Colet thought it wasn’t fun being heroic. Truth be told, sobrang kinabahan lang din talaga s’ya and she didn’t know what to do. What she told Jhoanna was true. She felt responsible. She just felt responsible. Okay, somehow it eats at her—the guilt that she’s feeling that it’s not been a year since she and Maloi separated. In a third person’s point of view, baka mabilis nga masyado na may bago na s’ya.

She hates it with every fiber of her being. She hates that she always thinks that she owes other people an explanation other than she’s just simply happy with Jhoanna. Colet spirals—despising that she always falls back into her childhood wounds.

It’s hard to stop it when the first thing Maloi had told her was that— wala pang isang taon. Wala pang isang taon at napalitan na agad s’ya. Come to think of it, Jhoanna really did settle quickly into her life—into the unit. But is it their fault? Is it Colet’s fault? She tried to stop it, didn’t she? She tried to push Jhoanna away.

But pushing Jhoanna away did more harm than good. And now it’s already in their faces.

Colet mentally beats herself. She shouldn’t care what other people think. She should stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s not how she intends living her life.

And so, Colet lifts her head up. She fetches a pen and her notebook and starts to scribble random date ideas. It’s going to be great. She and Jhoanna are going to live a happy life together. That’s all that matters now.

“No.”

“Wala ka na bang ibang alam sabihin kundi no?”

“No?” Jhoanna says, maintaining an innocent gaze as she sips on her hot chamomile tea, sitting cross-legged on Colet’s swivel chair.

Colet groans loudly into a pillow, slamming her body on the bed as her frustration get to her. Pinresent n’ya kasi kay Jhoanna lahat ng ideas n’ya and for the most part, the younger girl seemed agreeable. Colet had really great ideas like, well, doing scooters in BGC, ice skating in the MOA rink, riding wild rides in theme parks and trying this really nice Korean place in Timog that Colet has been eyeing since forever.

These are all great date ideas. That’s why she is surprised that Jhoanna kept rejecting her ideas, n’ung tinanong n’ya na kung ano ‘yung uunahin nila.

“P’wede ka bang sakalin?” She asks Jhoanna.

“Freaky mo naman…” The younger girl teases, her foot swaying back and forth as she gives Colet a suggestive look.

By this point, Colet is already losing patience. She slams her face into a pillow once more, this time full on screaming into it. Jhoanna is trying to get on her last nerve again. She tries to breathe deep to calm down—not without difficulty because of the fits of giggling that she heard from the girl across her.

“Ang hirap mo naman pasayahin.” Colet comments.

“Tanga ka kasi.” Jhoanna replies. “Nag-jojoke lang ako. I told you we don’t have to do all that.” She sees Jhoanna put down the hot drink on her desk and crawls closer to where Colet is sitting also crossed-leg on the bed. “Tayo na nga.”

Colet tries to shoot daggers in the younger girl’s direction, but her impending grin betrays her.

“Kinilig ka na naman. Tanggal na naman angas mo…” The younger girl teases, as her face comes impossibly closer to Colet’s.

She rolls her eyes as a response. “Sinasabi mo lang ‘yan, pero totoo naman. Hindi pa tayo lumalabas.”

Colet still tries to reason but Jhoanna is really good at distracting her. And for the first time since she saw Jhoanna this evening, she notices what the girl is wearing—a tight black sando and a pair of dolphin shorts, which if you’re going to ask Colet, hugs her bum so fittingly—so dangerously. 

Her eyes fall on the younger girl’s lips again, taking note how much she loves the moles sitting just on top of them. And if Colet wasn’t frustrated enough as it is, Jhoanna starts to lick her lower lip slowly and Colet watches every second of it without remorse. Then, an idea pops into her head. If what Jhoanna’s saying is true…na girlfriend n’ya na nga s’ya, then what Colet is about to do isn’t really…wrong per se.

“Puro ka na lang daldal, Nicolette.”

Colet was able to smirk before Jhoanna closed the distance between their lips entirely. She thinks this is the rudest, most evil way of interruption of all. But she couldn’t find any fucks to give.

It’s a bold move—what Jhoanna did. Which really brings Colet into a state of wonder—s’ya ba talaga first kiss nito or imbento lang? Because the way Jhoanna’s lips are moving against hers is enough to lock her away in an asylum. She is a good kisser—probably the best one Colet has had so far.

Or maybe it’s just Jhoanna being herself—naturally good everything she fucking does. It’s insane really how it still surprises Colet. This girl truly is a conundrum wrapped in a riddle.

Colet moves away partly to catch her breath. “What the…hmpph.”

Jhoanna was surging forward again before Colet could register, the older girl’s arms instinctively wrapping around Jhoanna’s neck, as they fall on the bed softly.

Colet struggles not to moan into the kiss. She knows she has to keep it PG—at least for now. She has to keep on reminding herself that everything about this is new to Jhoanna. It gets harder and harder by the second, however, because Jhoanna’s hands have also been…restless. They keep on moving and finding spots in her body that would normally illicit a moan from her…like how one hand is now resting on her knee for example, getting higher and higher and—”

“Wait.” Colet pulls back, catching her breath from drowning as her chest heaves up and down. She regrets stopping it immediately because she now sounds like she is the first timer. “Jusko, sa’n mo ba natutunan lahat ‘to…” She mutters.

Jhoanna gives her a grin. “Secret.”

“First kiss mo ba talaga ko? Kasi nagdududa na ko…”

Jhoanna shifts to be comfortable. She kneels on the bed and sits on Colet’s lower torso. Colet adjusts herself as well, sitting down with her hands planted behind her on the bed. 

“Ibig sabihin gan’on ako kagaling.” She brags.

Colet doesn’t say a thing, because Jhoanna is actually right. It still starts a fire inside her though, so she prods on.

“Ano nga…sa’n mo nalalaman ‘yung mga gan’on?”

“Alin?”

Colet gives her another eyeroll. “Kunwari ka pa…”

She sees the girl thinking—hesitating if she’s actually going to divulge her not so secret sources.

“Sino? Si Mikha no? Si Aiah?”

Jhoanna then bursts out laughing. That wasn’t so hard. She should have known it from the very beginning that those two are going to meddle in their business.

“Pa’no?”

“May gc kami sa iMessage.” Jhoanna admits before she’s giggling again.

“Patingin.”

“Ayoko!” The girl exclaims, reaching for her phone that’s on the bed immediately securing it to keep it away from Colet’s reach.

“Patingin ako, Jhoanna.” Colet says sternly, not even bothering to reach for the girl’s phone.

Jhoanna lets her arms hang around Colet’s shoulder loosely. “Ayaw.”  

“Ayoko na nga…ayoko na.” Colet pretends to push the girl off her to persuade her.

“No.” Jhoanna responds, tightening her grip around the older girl’s shoulder to keep herself in place.

“Ang kulit mo.” Colet partly surrenders. “Gusto mo na naman atang makiliti.”

She sees the look of panic in Jhoanna’s eyes. “Hindi na, eto na.” The younger girl reaches for her phone and struggles to get back in her place on top of Colet. “Pero ako maghahawak.”

Colet accepts it. It’s a fair compromise.

She does her best to read their conversations despite Jhoanna’s swift scrolling, squinting her eyes for better ogling. The group chat is named ‘Para sa mga tanong ni Jho’ and so far, puro katarantaduhan lang naman ‘yung mga nababasa n’ya. “Ano ‘yan teka…” She protests, putting a finger to the screen when she saw something about shaving.

“Wait.” Jhoanna then scrolls faster, her ears turning red.

She might have an idea why a topic of such can grace their conversation, and she can ask but she knows she wouldn’t’ like the answer. Colet closes her eyes as she swallows, a nerve in her temples throbbing loudly because what does she mean they already talked about shaving certain parts of the body for that purpose.

“Are you upset?” Jhoanna asks.

Colet opens her eyes instantly to give the girl a reassuring look. “No, baby.” The pet name was slipping through her lips before she could even stop it. “Hindi po.” Colet chuckles. “Ang cute lang din ng curiosity mo. Pero I think…from now on mas okay na sakin ka na lang magtanong.”

“Bakit?”

“Kasi magkakaiba naman tayo ng opinion sa mga ganyan. At saka di ba mas okay ‘pag natural lang…’yung hindi natin pinipilit kasi sabi nung dalawang mokong na ‘yan.” Colet says it mainly because she has certain aversions towards shaving. It’s a controversial opinion—that much she’s aware of. But having repulsion towards natural body hair sounds stranger to her, if she’s being honest.

Colet crosses her fingers that this is the last time that they will ever discuss this. It sounds cringe even when she’s just playing it inside her head.

“Okay? Let’s not rush things.” Colet says, leaning forward to give the younger girl just a quick peck on the lips.

Jhoanna doesn’t ask further and instead leans forward to give Colet a gentle hug. “Okay.”

“Okay…” Colet smiles, wrapping her arms around the girl and squeezing her waist tightly.

Jhoanna was able to distract her successfully but it still does not comfort Colet that none of her ideas are enough to please the girl. And so, she knits her eyebrows, pulling away from their embrace.

“Wala ka talagang nagustuhan sa mga ideas ko?” She said, trying to steer the conversation in that direction again.

Jhoanna sighs, shifting so she could get off Colet’s lap and fall on her side. Her legs must have been dying of oxygen supply. “Hindi naman sa gano’n.”

“Then what?”

“Joke lang kasi ‘yon. Gusto lang kitang bawian dahil pinaiyak mo ko. Pero okay naman na. Nagets ko na. Alam ko rin na wala ka naman masyadong oras for all of that. Ayoko rin na mag-suffer acads mo just because you are trying to make it up to me.” The girl explains.

Colet falls on the bed beside her. “Promise okay lang.”

“It’s not okay with me. Gusto ko focus ka jan sa inaaral mo. I’ll always be here to support you…”

“I get that. Naririnig ko, Jho.” Colet starts. “Pero mali ba na maghangad ako ng quality time with you?”

Colet knows they have to find their middle ground. Mali naman talaga na ubusin n’ya ‘yung oras n’ya sa pakikipagdate kay Jhoanna. But at the same time, mali rin naman na wala s’yang gawin para sa kanya.

“Ganito na lang.” Colet gets up and fetches her notebook that was discarded somewhere on the bed. “Let’s compromise. Pick the ones on this list na madali lang gawin.”

Jhoanna gives her a smile followed by an enthusiastic nod.

Colet thinks she’s never going to stop questioning what good thing she’s done in her past life to finally deserve someone as understanding as Jhoanna.

Colet is in a terrible mood. It has been terrible ever since they had to cancel on their reservation to that Korean place that Colet has been eyeing because Judge Pretty—her professor in Criminal Procedure decided to get sick and leave an asynchronous activity that is to be submitted before midnight. People would be correct to assume that she has been sulking writing that seven case digests due in just thirty minutes.  

Jhoanna reassures her that it was okay. Kahit na maagang s’yang nakabihis at nag-prepare. The white dress that Jhoanna had put on hasn’t even sunk into Colet before she was getting bulldozed by the news that after two hours of waiting, her professor decided to ruin her night by giving an activity.

The girl has already changed into sleepwear, promising Colet that there are plenty other opportunities for a dinner date but Colet isn’t buying it. Badtrip talaga s’ya.

She scurries writing still, hoping they can still make it. But by the time, Colet is scanning her papers, Jhoanna has already cozied up on the bed.

“Tapos na ko. Tara na.” Colet says after throwing her pen and papers on the desk haphazardly.

“Tanga, anong oras na sarado na ‘yun…” Jhoanna comments, eyes never leaving the screen of her phone.

“Shet naman.” Colet scratches the top of her head. “Badtrip talaga.”

“Lika dito…” Jhoanna chirps, holding her arms out.

Colet gives in, surrendering to the younger girl’s embrace. “Sorry po baby.” She mutters.

“Shh.” Jhoanna proceeds to rub Colet’s arms, running her hands up and down on them. “Gutom ka ba?”

“Oo.” Colet responds.

Jhoanna hums. “Ako rin. Tara seven eleven tayo sa baba?”

Colet sports a disgusted look on her face. “Na naman? Du’n na naman tayo?”

Jhoanna’s come back was quick. “’Yun lang meron sa baba. Tara na dali. Masarap naman do’n. May Korean din do’n.”

The younger girl pulls away, eliciting a loud whine from Colet, who was left in an awkward lying position on the bed. Jhoanna then tugs on her arm.

“Let’s go…bangon na.”

Colet was about to prolong the resistance but the loud grumbling in her stomach is an obvious give away that she also needs some feeding. The only positive thing out of that is that it makes Jhoanna giggle.

“Corny talaga…” Colet grumbles, struggling to separate the two sheets of siopao paper as she looks over Jhoanna who looks like she’s grocery shopping over the instant meals section of the convenience store.

Ayaw talaga i-consider ni Colet na date ‘to kasi palagi naman silang nandito. Pero since parehas talaga silang gutom, papalagan nalang ni Colet. It’s far from the Korean food that she has been craving, but she guesses anywhere with Jhoanna could be a valuable experience.

“Libre mo ‘to ah…” She hears Jhoanna mutter from the other aisle.

“Oo, kunin mo lahat ng gusto mo.” It’s the least she could do.

Jhoanna ended up getting a lot—like a full meal lot, with a Caesar salad for an appetizer, romantic baboy’s cheesy samgyupsal set, japchae, the three cheese sandwich that Colet also loves getting, a small tub of ice cream for sharing, and the largest variant of big gulp Coke.

“Hindi ka rin gutom ‘no?” Colet asks as they settle on a bench facing the glass walls inside, sitting side by side.

“Antagal mo eh.” Jhoanna remarks, as she carefully opens the packaging of her food, hissing loudly when the hot steam come into contact with her fingers. She lets go instantly, putting the affected finger to her lips to soothe it.

“Oh kasi!” Colet exclaims. “Tingin nga…”

She reaches for the girl’s hands to blow cool air on it as well.

“Di nag-iingat…” Colet says before pressing Jhoanna’s hand over her lips again. “Napaso ‘yung kamay ng mahal ko…” She mutters softly, eyes focused on Jhoanna’s fingers. “Di naman siguro ‘yan mag-mark. Be careful na lang.”

She then meets’ Jhoanna’s gaze.

“Ako na mag-open. Mag-salad ka muna.” She instructs.

She watches as Jhoanna follow, a small smile creeping on her lips.

Colet manages to open the packaging of Jhoanna’s food without any finger casualty. Thereafter, she turns her attention to unwrapping her own food. She knows she said she’s been craving Korean but if she’s going to have this instant samgyupsal set again tonight, Colet might as well puke her insides out.

She whines though, as she fusses over this particular food item—seven eleven siopao. 

“Bakit?” Jhoanna asks, shoving a mouthful of leafy greens to her mouth.

It’s embarrassing to even think about let alone to say it out loud. It’s an embarrassing nickname that people at home used to tease her with and truth be told, there are still some unresolved issues between Colet and this piece Chinese food.

“Wala.” Colet responds, taking a bite of her siopao. It’s still good—that much she can say.

“Ang cute ng cheeks mo ‘no?” Jhoanna teases. She actually gets the joke.

“Yawa ka talaga.” Colet deadpans, as she takes another bite. “At least maganda pa rin.”

“Ay totoo naman yan.” Jhoanna comments. “Favorite ko nga ‘yang cheeks mo. Sobrang lambot huhu.”

Colet chuckles at Jhoanna’s words, sending thousands of butterflies in her stomach and actually making tears pool in her eyes. She doesn’t know why this tiny interaction makes her feel blissful but it just does.

Jhoanna then puts out her hand, pinching her left and right cheek with her thumb and middle finger, making Colet pout. “Cute cute n’yan…” She comments, before landing a series of soft kisses on her left cheek.

She downplays it by continuing with her chewing, not bothering to respond so as to not ruin the moment.

Jhoanna goes back into her food and a beat of silence overtake them again. It was quiet inside the convenient store—save for the Hev Abi playing in the background. It shouldn’t anymore surprise Colet how comfortable it is.

It was Colet who broke the silence.

“So kamusta naman work mo?”

Jhoanna laughs. “Random mo naman.”

Colet shrugs. “Wala lang. Di kita nakakamusta do’n eh.”

“Okay naman, masaya.” Jhoanna replies. “It pays the bills. Magaan pa ‘yung load ko kasi medyo bago pa lang. But I expect it to change soon.”

“May word na from kumag guy from the club?”

“Grabe ‘yang swerve mo, boss ah.” The younger girl teases.

“You should have seen it coming.” Colet says. Knowing Jhoanna, she knows this job isn’t the dream for her. “I mean, wala naman nang malisya promise. If he can help you get your demos out there, you can talk to him.”

Jhoanna looks down on her plate, a huge grin on her face. “So pinapayagan mo ko…?”

Colet gives Jhoanna another shrug. “Why not? Nag-uusap na ba kayo?”

“No.” Jhoanna replies simply. “Di ko nga alam if nabanggit ko sa kanya na may mga demo ako. Lasing na ata ako no’n.”

“Mhm.” Colet hums. A huge part of her is really okay with this. She isn’t insecure naman so why would she stop it. But then again, hindi rin alam netong kumag bonjing guy na ‘to na Jhoanna’s heart already belongs to someone. And nothing is scarier than a guy who wouldn’t take no for an answer. “Kelan kayo huling nag-usap?”

Contrary to what happened in the past, siguro naman mas may karapatan na si Colet magtanong ngayon.

“Actually, di pa po kami nag-usap since nag-Pob tayo. Di ko ‘man s’ya nirereplyan.”

“Okay.” Colet responds, believing Jhoanna’s words with all her might.

There’s no reason to doubt. She sees how much Jhoanna loves her. She knows she wouldn’t do anything to compromise that. But Colet isn’t one to put her guard down as well. If it comes down to it, she’s sure na babakuran at babakuran n’ya pa rin kung ano ang sa kanya.

And just as Colet thought she already knows the ins and outs of Jhoanna’s head, the girl does something that surprises her like burping out loud after taking a swig of Coke. Normally, such behavior would totally appall Colet. But with Jhoanna, it’s just…adorable.

“Na-overwhelm ata ako sa libreng food…” Jhoanna mumbles, slumping her shoulders as she adjusts the thick frames of her eyeglasses. She looks at Colet with a pout. “Di ko ata kayang ubusin ‘to, love.”

It was Jhoanna’s turn to use a term of endearment. So far, none of these are approved and official, and Colet is glad that they are unconsciously and jointly trying these pet names until one of them finally fits. It doesn’t diminish her kilig every time though.

“Buti na lang talaga tinawag mo kong ‘love’. Magagalit na ko eh.” Colet replies, looking at the bunch of food that Jhoanna has opened and not finished. “Hay nako!”

It’s still a lot. And Colet thinks she can eat the japchae and the leftover salad and they can take home the sandwich and the tub of ice cream, but as to the samgyupsal set—Jhoanna has to finish that all by herself.

“Puro ka kasi coke…” Colet mutters under breath as she stabs a piece of tomato from Jhoanna’s bowl of salad.

And if taga-ubos ng pagkain ni Jhoanna ang magiging role n’ya habang buhay, she’ll gladly take it.

“Libre ka ba bukas?” Colet jumps on the marble sink if their bathroom, as she watches Jhoanna put toothpaste on both their toothbrushes.

It’s a Friday night. Both of them rewarded themselves by just staying in for the night, despite Mikha Lim’s constant invitation to go out and party. The week’s just had them spent, and it’s just easier if they stayed at home. They had just finished eating dinner, having the younger girl’s attempt at sweet and sour chicken. It was good, although there’s always room for improvement. But it was a nice gesture, what Jhoanna did. Kakainin rin naman ni Colet kahit anong ihain ni Jhoanna sa kanya sa totoo lang.

Jhoanna cocks an eyebrow in Colet’s direction before handing the toothbrush to her. “Yes. Bakit mo natanong?”

Colet takes the toothbrush and shoves it in her mouth. “No reason…”

“Ano nga?” Jhoanna asks, mouthful of toothbrush as well.

Colet doesn’t answer, and instead continues to brush her teeth, while bobbing her head to a rhythm that only she could hear. What can she say…she’s in a really good mood.

Jhoanna gives her a weird look, but follows in Colet’s dance steps while humming a rhythm of her own. It’s crazy what love can do to two people.

They then finish brushing, gargling their mouths with water and looking at each other, heads still bobbing to whatever song Jhoanna is humming.

“Ey…ey…” Jhoanna says as Colet full on break dances. She dissolves into a mess of giggles as Colet’s facial expression turns so serious Jhoanna could actually arrive at the conclusion she was losing her mind.

The younger girl’s humming soon turns mellow however, which makes Colet’s movement turn slow and graceful. She reaches for Jhoanna’s hand and places them on her shoulders.

Colet closes her eyes as their bodies press together and tunes in Jhoanna’s humming until the girl is humming the melody of what Colet thinks to be SZA’s song called Nobody Gets Me. She hugs Jhoanna’s waist and pulls her closer, letting their cheeks press against each other as they both sway to the humming.

“Prep ka bukas ha.” Colet mutters over Jhoanna’s shoulder.

“Why?”

“Labas tayo.”

She could feel Jhoanna tense up. She knows the girl is thinking about her limited free time.

“I promise I’m free tomorrow. Naka-submit ako ng mga dapat i-submit. I’m three chapters ahead sa mga recit assignments…” Colet narrates.

And it was then that she feels Jhoanna slowly relax. “Sure ba?” She asks excitedly.

“Opo.”

Jhoanna is now beaming at her like a kid. “Ano mga need ko i-prepare?”

“Wala. Dalin mo lang sarili mo. Dress comfy ha.”

Colet watches in satisfaction the little jumps that Jhoanna did before she was abandoning her from the bathroom to go look for something to wear for their date tomorrow. Uncanny. Her adoration towards this five foot four child is uncanny.  

She’ll never say it out loud but Colet Vergara is a big fan of cliches. She loves planning dates to the tee—ones where the girl is picked up by a car and dropped off somewhere nice; a dinner reservation; dressing up to the nines.

Because yes, she might seem like she does not enjoy sweet, romantic stuff but in reality, she is actually really cheesy. Although to reiterate, she will never say that out loud. And besides, she was raised having to work hard for the things that she wants. And she really wants to deserve having the right to call Jhoanna Robles, her girlfriend.

Although there are some minor changes because, well, sa iisang bahay lang sila manggagaling but Colet thinks she can still make it work. She has arranged their grab transport and has meticulously hand picked the outfit that she is going to wear.

It won’t exactly be formal but it would just be right for the thing that she’s planned. She saw Jhoanna pick something nice and comfy as well. Pinakabilin n’ya kasi talaga na magsuot ng komportable si Jhoanna today—especially sa footwear. She just hopes Jhoanna is in the mood to walk.

X

“Alam ko kasing sobrang hilig mo manuod nung mga animal documentaries pampatulog.” Colet reasons out.

They had just gotten off their grab ride and is now staring into the building which is supposed to be the National Museum of Natural History. She doesn’t know if Jhoanna actually likes art but she knows the girl has a penchant for watching those weird animal documentaries.

“So you bring me here?” Jhoanna jokes as they walk hand-in-hand on their way to enter the building. May pila pero hindi naman masyadong mahaba. “Kung saan patay na ‘yung mga hayop at naka-taxidermy?”

Colet chuckles, squeezing Jhoanna’s hand and interlocking their fingers together. “At least wala na silang hirap na nararamdaman. Kesa sa zoo…maaawa lang ako sa giraffe do’n.”

She sees Jhoanna nod. Colet takes a look at the girl’s choice of clothing, gawking at how Jhoanna’s style fit so perfectly with hers. She opted to wear a white long sleeve shirt that cut just above her belly button, paired with loose baggy jeans and her sambas. She had light make up on and her hair falls down her shoulders in big curls. You could tell na pinaghandaan n’ya rin ‘tong first date nila.

Colet, on the other hand, chose to wear a black cropped jacket over a black shirt paired with a black pair of trousers and black chuck taylors. Her hair is up in a pony tail and she has her favorite pearl necklace around her neck. And come to think of it, damn, they make  one handsome couple.

“Tama rin naman.” Jhoanna chuckles.

As it turns out, Jhoanna is also a big fan of art. She has a profound understanding of it at least. Colet contrariwise enjoys seeing the colors, appreciates the emotions that the artist would have to wield to make a canvas that beautiful, and recognizes the hard work and effort behind each and every piece but in sooth, she just actually indulges in the way Jhoanna’s eyes would light up at every attraction.

And it’s as if she could listen to the girl blabber about the time she spent as president of various college orgs fighting for animal and environmental rights all day. She will never tire of it for sure. So she gives herself an imaginary pat in the back for choosing the right choice.

Jhoanna was just randomly telling Colet about a particular silent protest that they did back at uni when they come across the Bohol slash tarsier attraction.

“Love, look oh.” 

Colet smiles. Love. The term endearment sure slips right out the girl’s mouth so smoothly—so easily.

“Di mo ba na-mimiss umuwi sa inyo?”

“Na-mimiss din naman…” Colet says simply.

“Kelan tayo sa inyo?” Jhoanna asks, tugging Colet closer to her from their intertwined hands.

“Tayo?”

Colet asks not to be rude but it actually surprises her that Jhoanna would want to see her hometown—the place where she actually grew up.

“Sorry, okay lang bang pag-usapan?” Jhoanna asks politely.

Colet licks her bottom lip, suppressing a wince. “Sure…”

“When did you last visit?”

The older girl sighs, trying to back track when was the last time she actually went home. It’s been a while, kasi kahit Christmas hindi naman s’ya umuuwi. It’s embarrassing to admit because Jhoanna is actually close to her family whereas she…is just not. She talks to her mom on the phone from time to time but that’s just it. May kanya kanya na silang buhay magkakapatid at hindi naman talaga sila lumaki ng malapit sa isa’t isa.

“I…don’t remember.” Colet responds awkwardly.

She hears Jhoanna hum. “Gusto mo bang umuwi minsan?” Jhoanna asks. “Samahan kita…”

“Bakit?”

“Wala lang, s’yempre gusto ko rin makita kung sa’n ka lumaki.” Jhoanna swings their intertwined hands. “Nakita mo na ‘yung childhood bedroom ko eh. Gusto ko rin makita where little Coyet played around, learned how to sing, sa’n ka nag-highschool, tapos sino-sino ‘yung mga naging crush mo dati…” She continues.

“S-Sure ka?”

“Of course!!” Jhoanna jumps. “Uuwi mo ko Bohol?” She asks excitedly, her body now facing Colet. “Sige na please. Gusto kong pumunta do’n eh!”

“Opo na…shhh!” Colet tries to shush the girl, as she is already causing a commotion. Leave it to Jhoanna to cause a scene when asking for something.

Jhoanna tries to tone it down, but her squealing still manages to echo around the room. She jumps giving Colet a bear hug and Colet just…feels her entire body sink into the hug, this affection she’s never felt before flooding her whole body as she looks up at Jhoanna who has her lips pursed before she sighs and gives the girl a humble peck on the lips.

 God, she loves her.

There’s something so tender and pure in Jhoanna wanting to see her hometown and calling her “little Coyet” that somehow made her feel like her inner child is safe with the girl.

“Oh, dali na practice na ng picture with the tarsier.” Colet says, pulling Jhoanna to the attraction where the tarsiers are.

And Jhoanna being Jhoanna, actually poses with her eyes wide open and her lips pouting as she copies the picture of the tarsier on the wall. Colet snaps the photos, her eyes smiling at the sight. Jhoanna poses for a few more wacky shots when Colet starts to talk. 

“Galing ah, parang nalilito na ko sino talaga girlfriend ko jan ah.” It was leaving Colet’s mouth before she could stop it.

And just like that, Jhoanna’s facial expressions soften into the prettiest, brightest smile Colet has even seen in her life. Sunrise—Jhoanna is sunrise.

“I love you.” She sees Jhoanna mouth. And Colet got every bit of it in pictures.

She stops hiding behind the camera and tilts her head to the side. “I love you.” She whispers back.

Jhoanna then smiles at her like a child, twisting her body lightly, her chin tilted up. And Colet is already certain, na mahihirapan s’yang pumili ng picture na i-uupload n’ya mamaya sa social media.

And as they cruise through the halls of the museum talking about life, love, space, childish fears and the one-time Jhoanna felt celestial just by looking at a November night sky, Colet’s heart settles. No fear could ever hold her back again with Jhoanna by her side.

They eat dinner at a restaurant somewhere in Intramuros. Colet had called them earlier that week to make a reservation and she’s never felt relieved that she did so, seeing the long line of people waiting outside. They cut through the line, following the host who led them to their reserved table.

It has been a surreal experience so far—their real first date.

Things rarely work in Colet’s favor. And that’s why she’s surprised that she is almost convinced that after their wonderful day, nothing else is going to go wrong.

For their third date—because Jhoanna refuses to exclude their date in seven eleven as their first—Colet feels like she’s on fire. She’s planned something that she is a hundred percent sure, Jhoanna is going to enjoy.

Of course she had to keep it a secret at first. But when Jhoanna snooped into laptop and saw the flyer for the upcoming Big Bad Wolf book sale, Colet couldn’t deny it anymore. Well, snoop is a strong word. It was more her forgetting to exit the tab and Jhoanna borrowing the laptop to look at their photos from the museum.

Colet still got mad of course, giving Jhoanna an earful about being nosy. Even though, it was actually her fault.

And so that is where they’re going night now.  Jhoanna insisted that they take the train together. Grab rides are too pricey for where they’re headed and Jhoanna has never actually ridden the train in her life.

It astonishes Colet because she thought the girl has already actually ridden the train nung nagpa-sundo s’ya last time. Mali lang daw pala ‘yung na-pin n’ya sa app na drop off and the rider refused to drop her off sa condo kasi umuulan na. 

 She wanted Colet to teach her how to get the beep cards and get to know the stations. Nalilito pa rin kasi s’ya which trains she’s going to take when going to places.

On Colet’s part, she did her best to explain that LRT one is a train that stretches from Balintawak to Baclaran, which is a train that she can take if she’s going to travel to Quezon City, Caloocan, Manila and Pasay areas. LRT two, on the other hand, is the train that she can take if she plans to go to Recto and Marikina areas. The train that they are on right now is the MRT three, which is a train that stretches along EDSA.

It never fails to make her heart smile whenever she sees the excitement and wonder in Jhoanna’s face, and she’s never felt more grateful na s’ya ‘yung kasama n’ya during her firsts.

The mechanics of their little activity is simple. They had budgeted one thousand pesos and each of them will get books that they want the other to read. They had provided a list of books that they’ve read before para excluded na sa choices, with Colet nearly dying of embarrassment nung halos puro law books and atomic habits lang ‘yung na-provide n’ya. They also agreed that they’re going to separate and surprise each other with they got.

So far, Colet is proud of her basket. She’s gotten Bunny by Mona Awad, which is supposed to be one of our most fearless chronicles of the female experience, and a down-the-rabbit-hole tale of loneliness and belonging, friendship and desire, and the fantastic and terrible power of the imagination—based from its description on the cover at least. Apart from that, she also has Healing Through Words by Rupi Kaur, which is a safe choice—that much she can admit, and which she got at a steal price.

She thinks her budget can still fit one more book. And as she scans the sea of people and books to look at her choices, she sees Jhoanna, who appears to have spotted her as well. She adjusts her cap as she batts an eyebrow at her.

The girl laughs at her immediately, her face sporting a smug smile. It makes Colet wonder, what is this girl onto?

She walks to Jhoanna’s direction, during which the girl panics, hugging her basket to her chest—as hard as it is—so Colet wouldn’t see what she got her.

“Hoy, lumayo ka. Ang daya mo!” Jhoanna says, walking briskly towards the other direction.

Colet furrows her eyebrows, jaw dropping partly. Sobrang seryoso naman ni Jhoanna. Na-miss n’ya lang naman ‘yung girlfriend n’ya.

It still doesn’t sink in to her and it still makes her wonder if na-deserve na ba n’ya na tawagin si Jho n’un, despite multiple reassurances from the girl.

She’s still thankful because in her effort to walk closer to Jhoanna, she spots her third book. And it makes her think, even absentmindedly—even if Jhoanna isn’t aware of it—that following the girl always leads her to the right choices.

They meet by the check-out counter some twenty minutes after they saw each other, Jhoanna displaying a shit-eating grin on her face.

It confuses Colet for a second but as she peaks into the girl’s basket, she comes to know why Jhoanna is all smug. Colet takes note of the books that Jhoanna has picked for her. Book one is called Some People Need Killing by Patricia Evangelista, which is a smart choice—the best one if she’s going to be honest. She’s been hearing good reviews from her peers and it’s just really the right book to give a law student.

Book two is a journaling book—which okay, she can use like a planner. Book three is…a coloring book, which almost provokes Colet to wage war.

“Ano ba yan, Jhoanna?!” She angry whispers as they move slowly through the long lines at check-out.

“Alin?”

“’Yan.” Colet points to the colorful cover of Jhoanna’s selections

She hears the girl giggle as she raises her shoulders up and down. Nagpapa-cute. “Maganda ‘yan…”

“Mahiya ka naman sakin, ang ganda ganda ng mga napili ko sa’yo.” Colet prods the girl’s shoulder, extremely proud of her book choices. “Pinag-isipan ko ng mabuti ‘yang mga yan

“Maganda nga ‘yan! Magagamit mo ‘yan. Pinag-isipan ko rin ng mabuti ‘yan!” Jhoanna insists.

Colet thinks, buti na lang talaga mahal n’ya ‘tong babae na ‘to.

“Ayaw mo ba?” Jhoanna pouts immediately, knowing the kind of power it holds on the older girl. “Naisip ko kasi…gusto kong kumuha ng p’wede natin gawin together. Tapos sabi dito…” She picks the thick material of the book to read the description. “…it helps reduce anxiety.”

She feels her guilt sinking in her gut. It’s actually really nice of Jhoanna to think about that.

“I even got us coloring pencils…”

Colet sighs in defeat. She’s right, it could be a fun activity that they could do together. So she pulls Jhoanna closer, planting a kiss at the side of her head for an apology. “Okay, sige. You’re right. Thank you for thinking about that, hon.”

Both girls wince at the same time. “Nope.”

Colet thinks they can just settle with calling each other baby or love for now. 

She tries to fight her fatigue, blinking firmly as she leans over the hand railing of the train. Late na rin kasi sila nakauwi ni Jhoanna from Parañaque last night, and she has a seven o’clock face to face classes the following day. 

In her defense, hindi naman talaga nila na-anticipate na sobrang tatagal ‘yung ulan and that they would get stranded. Although kagabi, hindi nya talaga ramdam ‘yung pagod n’ya. It lingers on her now though, kasi nag-aral pa s’ya sa library sa school before she decided it’s time to go home. 

Colet yawns, stretching her legs before she hears the announcement na paparating na ng V. Mapa station. 

Much like a ghost wandering around, Colet drags herself out of the train, into the station and then out on the street. For this, she has her auto-pilot to thank. 

She had texted Jhoanna na pauwi na s’ya and the girl had replied na her three o’clock meeting ran late and so, baka ma-late din s’ya ng uwi. 

On that account, it surprises her na pag-uwi n’ya there is some mellow music playing. At first, natakot s’ya. But as she walks slowly to where the bedroom is, she sees her girlfriend standing by the bed, fussing over the sheets. Jhoanna notices her right away, but Colet is still distracted from what she’s seeing. 

The curtains are closed, the humidifier is on and is emitting a mist that smells like soft bamboo or something similar. There are a few lighted candles and Colet’s favorite pair of pajamas are folded neatly on the bed. 

“What…” She lets her bag fall on the floor. 

“Puro kasi ikaw nag-iisip ng dates natin tapos puro lahat para sakin.” Jhoanna says sheepishly, her hands tucked behind her back. “It’s my turn to think of a date that suits you.” She adds. “Ito. Sleep date. Sobra na rin kasi ‘yung pagod at stress mo so…” 

There’s nothing left for Colet to do but shake her head in disbelief, a huge smile donned on her face. Soft giggles and whispers of i love you echo around the room, as Colet tackles Jhoanna on the bed, heart settling at the fact that maybe…deserve n’ya na ‘to. 

Chapter Text

There’s a certain degree of safety and security that emanates from being in a relationship with one Colet Vergara that certainly has Jhoanna wanting to get married at twenty-one, have two IVF and adopted babies at twenty-three and just basically be with the girl until they’re old and gray. It’s both weird and amazing how fast their life morphed together.

Easy. Everything has been easy with them. They have fallen so easily into a routine so comfortable, it has Jhoanna doubting if she’s living in a dream. Looking at the home that they have created and have been sharing together for the past month that they’ve made it official, Jhoanna’s heart smiles. Everything in there is bits and pieces of them. Out of everything, the pictures from their museum date clipped on the fridge in the kitchen is probably her favorite.

Their clothes are also mixed together, a thing that both of them enjoyed. Being in a relationship with another girl just basically means expanding her wardrobe, and she can never ever be opposed to that. Hell, even their socks and underwear are stored in a single drawer. Convenient din kasi whenever they’re sending out their laundry.

Not to mention, they’ve renovated the bedroom a bit—Colet giving in to her girlfriend’s penchant towards rearranging her room. No major renovation  naman. They’ve just painted an accent wall in the shade of forest green and bought a pair of new Nordic reading lights for when they actually read the books they gave each other.

They have also sold one of the unused dressers in the bedroom and ordered Jhoanna a table and a swivel chair online, which they assembled together—katabi rin ng desk ni Colet so they can work and study together. They couldn’t bring it to themselves to disassemble and sell Aiah’s single bed however, since the girl still pops in with Mikha every now and then to spend the night. Madalas, tinatambakan nalang nila ng mga unfolded laundry and whatever crap they decide to throw in there.

Since hindi pa na-unpack ni Jhoanna lahat ng damit n’ya before, given the little time that she had when she first moved in, and wala naman s’ya masyado pang ginagawa, she decides that it’s time for her to empty everything in her suitcase and sort where the rest of her clothes are gonna go. She’s thankful pumasok din si Col sa school kaya walang masyadong mag-didistract sa kanya.

She then puts on her favorite OPM playlist, drags her suitcase near the built-in cabinets of their bedroom and starts to get to work. Sitting on the floor cross legged, she spots a particular division that is essentially empty save for a box and a few clothes. Curious, Jhoanna takes it out.

The first thing Jhoanna registers are photos—some of photobooths and some are polaroids—of…Colet, her girlfriend and another girl— that girl. There are also letters, notes and a camera…disposable one. Looking deeper, Jhoanna also sees a piece of clothing—a jersey with probably Maloi’s last name at the back, some doodles of art and a small panda plushie. She knows she isn’t mistaken because she also spots an identification card—a driver’s license.

It makes Jhoanna’s stomach churn, her intestines suddenly declaring a war with each other and it makes her want to throw up. With shaky hands, she gives in to her inner turmoil, flipping through the photos one by one. The only thing she could note out of it all is how happy Colet looked.

One particular photo makes her stop, her fingers trembling as she holds its synthetic paper material on her hands. In this polaroid picture, they—Colet and Maloi—are both looking at the camera with goofy grins, Colet hugging Remus on her chest and Maloi also showing off the panda plushie that was also in the box. And then it clicks, Remus was given to Colet by Maloi and he is one half of a pair.

She stretches her neck, narrowing her eyes to look at Quack and Remus together on their bed.

Jhoanna tries to distinguish her feelings and fails. It’s just curiosity—everything is just curiosity. It still has not sunk in. It’s like living the life of someone other than hers—looking at the photos.

She then finds the notes, the little ones. Some are generic like reminders of not leaving the key outside once the door to the unit has been unlocked and some are sweet—like they came with a gift or something. Jhoanna soon stumbles upon the letters.

It should feel wrong. But it doesn’t.

Slowly, she unfolds and starts to read one.

Note 1/2000

Maloi,

I know I can easily type this and send it to you in a message but there is something about writing it down that feels personal. And I know you deserve more than a note written at the back of a page of my school notebook, but here we are.

We didn’t start off easy. There were nights where either of us would cry because of how scary this all is. I know we’re going to go thru much worse and I can’t promise that it’s not gonna be easy. All I know is there is absolutely nobody else I’d go thru all of this with but you. I knew there was something about you right off the bat, but as I found myself writing silly notes again, daydreaming about our future together, I realized. And I know people say this a lot but I have never loved somebody the way that I love you . And I do love you quite a lot.

I look back on the things that I have written about you while I was all but falling in love with you and everyday you just prove me right. I am waking up everyday and my heart is at peace knowing it belongs to you.

Love,

Colet Vergara

As Jhoanna reads the last few lines, she cannot help the sinking feeling in her chest—the aching in her heart. Not entirely because she feels jealous but because of how fiercely Colet used to love Maloi, the girl willing to leave everything for her, and how that was quickly replaced by torment and pain when the latter packed her bags and just left her without any explanation.

But of course, the jealousy still lurks there—painfully slow in seeping into the corners of Jhoanna’s mind.

Without thinking twice, she proceeds to the next letter 

My palangga, 

Happy 22nd birthday, ga. I tried to think about what to give you that you would not be mad of and this is the best as it could get. For now at least. 

First of all, I would like to congratulate you because you are now twenty-two. I’m glad I was able to meet twenty-one year old Maloi. I feel honored that I was able to have front row-seat and see her grow wiser and even more beautiful, even if I was late half-way thru the show. You have given me so much joy and happiness for the past few months that we have been together. I admire your passion, your courage, and most importantly, your big heart. I’m so excited to see what twenty-two brings to you. And I hope that you find greater things at twenty-two because I met you at twenty-two. 

This is the first of many birthdays you are going to spend with me. Know that you have my heart, and no matter what happens, I will always find my way back to you. 

Love always,

Colet Vergara.  

Jhoanna sighs, suddenly feeling the bittersweet taste of the last line in Colet’s letter. And she’s sure she isn’t insecure, is aware that this was written at a time Colet didn’t know she existed, and respects the time her girlfriend spent with her ex…something, but there has to be some truth to it. She lets her shoulders slump as she ponders, is it still true? Does Colet still feel like this? 

Feeling like her feelings are ganging up on her, Jhoanna hurriedly puts all the things back to the box, throwing everything carelessly, without any regard. A huge part of her is just angry at herself. Knowing full well where her curiosity about this particular matter always leads her. Hindi na s’ya natuto, sa totoo lang. Another part, however, is in denial. Because she finds it hard to believe na nararamdaman n’ya ‘tong…weird feeling na ‘to towards someone who is not a part of their lives anymore.

Hot tears start to form on her eyes. It’s so unusual. Hindi naman s’ya selosa at lalong hindi s’ya insecure pero bakit ganon? Ang sakit sakit. 

The sound of the front door closing softly echoes around but it still makes Jhoanna jump. She doesn’t even had enough time to panic when the bedroom door was being opened. 

Colet, frozen on her tracks, eyes wide as they fall on the scene in front of her, then starts to walk towards her. “Mahal…what–“

Jhoanna sniffs, wiping her nose with the back of her hand as Colet gets closer to her. 

The older girl kneels in front of Jhoanna, examining the extent of the damage. She’d known about the box in the dresser, but had forgotten it still actually exists. 

Jhoanna meets Colet in the eyes, kahit mahirap kasi sobrang nahihiya rin s’ya. Her forehead is wrinkled, a subtle hint that she has also been in a terrible mood, the reason behind which she is still to find out.  But it’s undeniable that she is still trying to be level headed for Jhoanna. 

“I’m sorry,” was the first thing that Jhoanna was able to come up with. “N-Nag-aayos lang ako ng gamit tapos nakita ko…” 

She watches as Colet’s eyes slowly fall on the opened letters. 

“I’m sorry, Col… I didn’t mean to intrude into your privacy. I just…” Jhoanna trails off, trying to think of a valid reason but fails miserably. Colet’s face is now absen any expression, like a blank canvas. “Sorry talaga.” 

Colet is breathing at least. 

“Col…talk please.” 

The older girl begins to shake her head slowly, picking the stuff one by one and putting them in the box. “Sana…sana alam mong hindi ako galit kasi na-intrude mo ‘yung privacy ko or something.” She says finally. “Pero nalulungkot ako…dahil sa ginawa mo sa sarili mo.” 

Once Colet is finished tidying up the box, she joins Jhoanna on the carpeted floor and guides her to her arms. The younger girl then complies and lets her head fall on Colet’s shoulder, her legs straddling the older girl’s. 

She can tell Colet is disappointed in her. And so is Jhoanna to herself. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Colet asks, not knowing if Jhoanna still actually wants to discuss it. Kilala naman n’ya si Jhoanna—she knows how understanding and secure she is with herself. But then again, everyone is allowed a moment of weakness at least once in their lives—even with people as headstrong as Jhoanna. 

“No…” Jhoanna’s reply came out muffled and shy. “Pwede ba?” She retracts almost immediately. 

She feels Colet sigh. 

“Kasi…sabi mo sa kanya, ‘i will always find my way back to you.’” Jhoanna reads. “Do you still mean it?” 

Colet pulls away from their embrace partly, so she could look at Jhoanna’s eyes. “Syempre hindi.” She says softly. “Di ko naman dini-discredit ‘yung mga sinabi ko d’yan. Pero ‘yung letter na ‘yan, sinulat ko ‘yan during the time na akala ko s’ya na talaga—during the time na pinaglalaban ko s’ya sa parents ko.” 

Jhoanna nods. All these things she already knows about, but it still feels different—better when she  heard it from Colet. 

“And even though I meant every word that I said in that letter then, it doesn’t mean that I mean it now. This…” The girl gently takes the paper in her hand “…is not my truth now. You are.” Colet says, pushing a strand of Jhoanna’s hair behind her ear. 

Colet’s words feel like gentle waves on Jhoanna’s feet—comforting and reassuring. The girl really has a way of reassuring her that leaves Jhoanna no choice but to melt under her touch. She hates it sometimes. 

“And if it means anything to you, yes she was upset the last time we met. Matigas ‘yung ulo n’ya talaga. Sinabi n’ya sakin na ang bilis ko raw s’yang pinalitan, na…hindi ko raw nahintay na maging okay s’ya, maging okay kami. At one point, sinabi n’ya na…ang dami raw naming pinaglaban…kay mama, sa dad n’ya, at hindi ko raw inisip ‘yun.” 

Jhoanna could only nod. 

“S’yempre nawalan din talaga ko ng pasensya kaya siguro naririnig n’yo kaming nag-aaway…ayoko ng ganu’n. Mainitin lang ‘yung ulo ko pero ayoko talagang nagsasagutan. Wala kong choice e…talagang bin-ring up ko na sa kanya na…ganyan pala ‘yung nararamdaman n’ya, bakit n’ya ko iniwan ‘di ba? Hindi nag-memake sense lahat ng sinabi n’ya.” Colet narrates. “Ewan, nagkasakitan talaga kami netong nakaraan kasi di na ko nakapagpigil. Para kasi n’ya kong sinusumbatan, which is ironic kasi s’ya nga ‘yung umalis ‘di ba? Parang…anong karapatan n’ya…”

“Baka nasaktan lang talaga…” 

“Gets ko naman ‘yun, mahal. Pero ano? Dahil bumalik s’ya titigil ulit ‘yung mundo ko? Hindi ganun…nanghihinayang man ako sa pagkakaibigan namin. Feeling ko hindi pa ko ready na bumalik s’ya, kahit friends. At hindi pa rin naman s’ya ready din, sa tingin ko.” 

“Pero open ka ba du’n? Bumalik s’ya to be your friend?” Jhoanna asks because more than herself, she knows it’s Colet’s decision. 

Colet stops for a bit, breathing steadily as she blinks, thinking. “Di ko alam.”

“Right.” She answers. 

“Mahirap eh. Iba na ‘yung mundo ko ngayon.” Colet states. “Although, hindi ko ipagkakait kila Miks and Aiah ‘yon… kung gusto nila ulit makipagkaibigan kay Maloi.” 

“Okay…” Jhoanna mutters. She has a sinking feeling na magkikita pa sila ni Maloi ulit. 

“Okay na po ba?” Colet asks, flicking Jhoanna’s nose. 

Colet’s past is something she can’t change. She has to accept that the Colet that she now loves is a constellation of her past experiences–the good, the bad, even the parts that Jhoanna doesn’t really want to see. What she can change now is her attitude towards it. 

Jhoanna stares at the girl directly. “Anong plano mo d’yan?” She asks, placing her arms around Colet’s shoulder. “Pakuha mo ‘yan sa kanya, may valid ID oh. Sayang yan, mahirap na ulit kumuha n’yan.” 

Colet twists her head, looking at the dusty box behind Jhoanna. “Tatapon ko na ‘yung iba d’yan. Papa-lalamove ko na lang ‘yung ID n’ya.” 

Suddenly in the mood to tease, Jhoanna jokes. “Asus, ade hindi mo na s’ya nakita?” 

Colet gives her signature eye roll. “Ah sige ah. Tawagan ko s’ya ngayon papuntahin ko?” She smirks. 

Now Jhoanna regrets it, but she’ll die denying it. “Sige…” She says, a smug grin on her face. 

“Ganyan ganyan pero napipikon na ‘yan.” Colet responds, poking Jhoanna’s sides. 

“Ow!” The younger girl exclaims, immediately swatting her girlfriend’s hands. 

“OA…” Colet remarks, before pulling the topic back to Maloi’s old things. “Or iwan ko na lang kila Miks, du’n n’ya i-pick up? Medyo marami-rami pa rin ‘yung damit baka mahal ipa-lalamove.” She chuckles.  

“Ikaw bahala…basta dito ka lang!” Jhoanna shouts, dissolving in a fit of giggles yet again. “Walang makikipagkita sa mga ex!” She then launches herself forward to pull Colet closer. “On a serious note…” Jhoanna mumbles. “Sorry for being upset about it, mahal.” 

Grace. Jhoanna figures it out now. She needs to be graceful to herself. This is her first time experiencing all these feelings and she needs to allow herself to feel and be in it. 

“Kamusta pala school?” She asks, more cheerfully this time. 

Colet shrugs. “Oks lang.” 

“Weh? Pagpasok mo kanina mukha kang nalugi.” 

She sees the girl look down, her fingers fiddling with the hem of Jhoanna’s shirt. “Wala, nasabon lang ako today.” She chuckles. “Nabasa ko naman ‘yung reading pero nahirapan talaga ko.” 

Jhoanna puts her thumb under her girlfriend’s chin, knowing just what would cheer the girl up. “You know…hindi pa kita na-kiss today. Ang aga mo umalis kanina ni hindi ko nakita kung ga’no ka kaganda sa suot mo.” Jhoanna lowers her volume, trying her best to be sultry. Her eyes fall down on Colet’s body, making sure the older girl is also watching, taking note how extremely breathtaking her girlfriend looks in her white dress shirt and gray trousers. 

She hopes it’s enough to change Colet's mood, kahit konti lang. She watches as the tiniest hint of smirk appears slowly on the side of the girl’s lips. Bingo, there’s her opening. 

Jhoanna mimics Colet’s growing smile, leaning into her slowly but surely until their lips meet in a soft embrace. 

And then, Colet does something that she knows Jhoanna has been absolutely obsessed with. The moment their lips clash together, Colet pushes the younger girl’s glasses off her face to let it rest on top of her head. This is wholly because Jhoanna had scolded Colet after noting that whenever their kisses are more heated up than usual, her glasses are often just discarded somewhere on the bed, which makes it prone to being squished and eventually getting broken. Ever since then, Colet has been diligent in just letting Jhoanna’s glasses sit right up top.

The gesture never fails to elicit a moan from the younger girl, allowing Colet to slip her tongue right in. 

Oh one major development in their relationship for the past month, apart from the tiny house renovations, is how often they make out too. It’s like she’s getting to relive her teenage years except better. At this point, wala nang lugar sa unit ‘yung hindi nila nabinyagan ng momol. She doesn’t overthink it. And there’s no reason for it other than they’re just two people in love. 

It’s mostly been r-thirteen, and it isn’t like Jhoanna doesn’t want it to progress. It’s quite the opposite actually. It annoys Jhoanna as much as it makes her melt, that her girlfriend wants to wait for the “right time.” In all honesty, she didn’t peg Colet to be the one to wait for such things. She always thought na once na official na sila, and once that she felt like she’s ready for it, it’s just going to happen. And she knows she’s ready for it. That’s why it bothers her a lot that Colet isn’t doing anything. 

And it’s not for the lack of trying as well. They have tried, and it always leaves Jhoanna’s lower tummy hurting. There were times that she almost wanted to smack Colet for doing the gentlemanly thing.

Today isn’t an exception. Just when Jhoanna’s left hand is drawing light scratches on the material of Colet’s dress shirt and her right index finger is toying its top button, Colet pulls away. 

She fights the urge to pull back Colet by the collar and ravish the girl…with consent. She sighs deeply, feeling the familiar knot in her lower belly extending to the small area between her thighs. 

“‘Yan na naman s’ya…” Colet mutters. 

Jhoanna could only shake her head, keeping her eyes shut. She’s not going to beg for it because well, she doesn’t really beg. The only thing to do now is to plot how she’s going to get back at the girl for edging her. 

Colet squeezes the area just above Jhoanna’s knee where her hand has been mostly resting. “Sorry love…not the right time yet.”

With hooded eyes, Jhoanna gives her girlfriend her most innocent smile. “Okay…”

Damn this girl. 

Apparently, Colet is still bummed about what happened at school, even after Jhoanna promised to give her a back rub later tonight. Jhoanna’s learned that the best thing to do whenever Colet is like this is to just let her deal with it. She’s tried and Colet sees that. Now it’s time to just give the girl the space that she needs. 

She also doesn’t wanna aggravate whatever discomfort her girlfriend is feeling. Especially since she has news to tell…news that she’s sure won’t paint a smile on her girlfriend’s face.

So far, okay naman ‘yung bago n’yang work. The load has significantly increased but it’s not unbearable. What’s unbearable to Jhoanna is the fact na hindi naman ito talaga ‘yung ipinunta n’ya sa Manila. Being an article moderator is fine. But this isn’t the dream. The dream is to be on national television every night reporting news. And with Colet’s recent approval, she has been talking to Adie. 

The guy is still hitting on her, still bugs her about taking her out on a date, hearts each one of Jhoanna’s instagram stories–even ones that are boring like a picture of her socks for example. That’s undisputable. Lahat naman alam ni Colet so far. What Colet doesn’t know however is that Adie has already set her an appointment with his dad. Well, according to him at least. 

It’s next weekend daw in Tagaytay sa rest house ng family nila. There’s a small gathering daw with some people from the industry and he’s mentioned to his dad na he wants to introduce her to him. He said his dad will make the time to listen to her demos and look at her written works once he gets to see her. 

It’s still sus, of course. Jhoanna just can’t believe everything this guy is saying. Although, tinanong n’ya naman na kay Mikha ‘tong si Adie and the girl has already vouched for him, says it’s true that his dad is a talent manager and is looking to recruit her as well. 

And now that they actually have the time to talk with each other, Jhoanna can’t help but to think that this guy gives him the ick. 

It makes Jhoanna’s anxiety grow. She’s still finding the courage to talk to Colet about it. And kahit na suspicious s’ya, it’s still worth mentioning to her. But not now. Ayaw n’yang dumagdag pa sa torment na nararamdaman ni Colet sa school 

Jhoanna knows many things, has learned many things in the short twenty one years that she’s spent on this earth. She knows that kindness is not always received, but is a gift you should give nonetheless, knows that respect and trust are things that are earned, not just given willingly, and knows that love is the only force in this world strong enough to change someone’s life forever.

She also knows that she’ll never get sick of this. 

The cool air of the aircondition blows down on them, so much so that Jhoanna finds herself lifting the blankets over their bare legs to give them some form of heat. She has one elbow propped up on her pillow, head resting in her hand as the other trails long, slender fingers up and down a tan arm, dancing across the skin with the corners of her lips tugging upwards into a smile when the prone body beside her shifts slightly and leans back just a little further into her touch. 

She smiles coyly, remembering that her revenge mission is now in full blast. She knew that much when she went to bed last night wearing her newly bought one piece night gown. Nothing compared to the satisfying feeling of seeing Colet almost combust and turn bright pink when she strutted from the bathroom to their shared double bed. 

She has to give it to her girl. The amount of restraint she has is unmatched. It just goes to show how much she really loves her. Because well…nasa harap n’ya na ‘yung tukso pero nakapagpigil pa rin talaga s’ya. 

But Jhoanna isn’t a quitter. That’s why she really made an effort to wake up earlier than Colet today. She finds herself inching a little closer, her own bare legs entangling with smooth morena ones before she ducks her head down, nose nudging through cascading waterfalls of brown hair to inhale the familiar scent of sweet coconut shampoo mixed with that spicy, woody spell, eyes fluttering closed at the aroma that hits her. 

Her arm drapes over a slim waist before her own pink lips are placing gentle kisses against her girlfriend’s shoulder, drawing a pattern of some kind that she’s not even aware of, as a low whine sounds out from the girl beside her–and indication she is waking up against her will. 

She knows that sound is one of her favorite sounds in the entire world. Sleepy Colet is definitely on top the list of her favorite versions of the girl. 

Oh, and she also knows that she is, in a way, pathetically in love with Colet Vergara. Perhaps it’s not something nice to think about because this is all new to her, but it’s the truth. Because even if she denies it, it would be so easy to figure out, self-explanatory even, that she is pitifully in love with the girl before her. 

“Good morning, mahal ko.” The older girl greets, still half asleep at that.

Jhoanna responds by nuzzling the girl’s neck, letting soft exhales linger on her skin. “Morning…” She says throatily. 

She doesn’t see it but she’s sure Colet is already smiling, albeit still fighting to remain conscious. 

“Ang aga mo.” Colet croaks out. 

“Mm.” Jhoanna hums, now propping her head on her palms and planting her elbow on the bed. Slowly, she pushes some of the hair strewn on her girlfriend’s face, letting out a low giggle. She then cradles Colet’s half asleep face, her thumb drawing patterns on the skin beneath again. “Good morning.” She repeats.

It is now Colet’s turn to snake her arm around a tiny waist, letting her palms trace the soft material of the silk. “Gusto kitang murahin sa suot mo…” Colet smiles. 

“Okay lang naman…” Jhoanna responds. “Parinig nga.”

Colet returns Jhoanna’s giggles. “Bwisit ka talaga…”

“Sabihin mong hindi mo gusto.” Jhoanna taunts. 

“Gusto ko…gustong gusto ko.” Colet manages. 

At this point, hindi na alam ni Jhoanna ano pa bang right timing ang hinahanap nitong babae na ‘to. She knows she’s ready to feel this with her–no, she’s sure of it even. 

Determined to get in the girl’s head, Jhoanna pulls her legs to her direction as a leverage. She has her head straight on getting on top of Colet. Her bubble, however, bursts at the sudden vibration of a phone on the nightstand. She clicks her tongue remembering it’s too early for Colet’s alarm to go off.

She grunts, struggling to reach for it. She looks at the dimly lit screen and it’s like ice cold water was dumped over her head, her boiling heat suddenly dropping to negative zero. 

Mommy 

calling….

With trembling fingers, she clicks the green button. 

“Mommy?!” Jhoanna’s voice came out loud, like a cross between a shriek and a yell. “Mommy, di ko po kayo marinig…” Her loud voice makes Colet wince. “Papunta na po kayo ngayon dito? Si-Sige po…i-text ko po ‘yung address…San na po kayo? S-Sky way? Sige po…”

Colet blinks once in surprise, now fully woken up. She pushes Jhoanna off her lap instantly, letting the girl fall on the mattress harshly. 

“Sige po, i-send ko ‘yung address. Ingat po kayo.” Jhoanna ends the call at once, the soft beeping sound echoing around their small bedroom. She takes a look around. Nothing in there screams two girl friends sharing a dorm room together.

Fuck. They’re doomed. 

Chapter Text

Colet’s world slowly shifts. For a good ten minutes, she was resigned to a corner as she watched her girlfriend rush around their shared space, first changing into a decent shirt and a pair of shorts and then proceeding to take down some of their photos that would look suspicious enough. 

She blinks twice thinking about her schedule for the day. She knows she has a makeup class at one p.m—is consciously aware that she has a full day despite it being the weekend. And she also knows that she is far from being ready to meet Jhoanna’s parents. It’s only been a month, and most especially she knows na wala pa naman talaga s’yang maipagmamalaki sa kanila. 

And so she freezes. 

It was only after Jhoanna’s third attempt at pulling her back to reality that she snapped out of it. “Love! Help me please.”

Colet fully opens her eyes, tracing where she heard her girlfriend’s voice from. The dressers. 

“Pa-separate nung mga damit.”

“Lahat?!” She asks, not actually intending to raise her voice. 

“No…I don’t know. Kahit ‘di lahat basta…start separating, love.” 

She could tell Jhoanna is still trying to be sensible, despite the commanding tension in her voice. Colet finds herself hurriedly obeying kahit na hindi naman s’ya sure kung bakit kailangan paghiwalayin pa ‘yung mga damit nila. She’s sure Jhoanna’s mom isn’t going to go as far as checking their clothes, but here she is.

“Love, I know bagong gising ka pero okay lang bang bilisan?” Jhoanna urges as she clears everything on the single bed. 

“Mahal, di naman na siguro i-checheck ng mommy mo ‘to…” She mumbles. 

“Ay naku po.” Jhoanna responds to her, a handful of clean, unfolded clothes on her chest. “Hindi mo kilala si Jhoni.”

That makes Colet smile. “Your mom’s name is Jhoni?” She asks, as she watches Jhoanna dump all the clothes that she was holding in a separate laundry hamper. “Huy! Malinis ‘yan!”

“I know. ‘Wag mo na lang kakalimutan lagyan ng maduming damit.” Jhoanna mutters as she catches her breath, completely ignoring Colet’s question. 

It seems that they’ve talked about Jhoanna’s family so often but asking her parents’ names really didn’t cross her mind. And come to think of it, she never really disclosed her parents’ and siblings’ names either. It just means they still have a lot to talk to each other about.

Colet continues to separate their clothes in two piles, wondering what kinds of things to say to Jhoanna’s mom. “Matagal ba si mommy mo daw dito?”

“One night lang…dito sa atin. Pero nasa manila s’ya until Monday afternoon.” Jhoanna says, now putting on fresh sheets on the double bed. “She wants to see kung paano daw ako dito. May reunion sila ng friends n’ya tomorrow and she wants to spend one night here. May hotel reservation na s’ya for Sunday.”

“Hmm.”

“Oh my god.” She says, panic evident in her voice. “Di pa kita natanong if okay lang?”

Colet chuckles, setting the edges properly so it looks like she didn’t do it half-assed—even though she really did.  “It’s okay.” She says, because it’s true. Wala naman talagang kaso if mag-stay ‘yung mommy ni Jhoanna. Aiah’s mom does it sometimes too. 

But then again, Aiah isn’t her girlfriend. She thinks what she’s apprehensive about is the fact that there are two possibilities to this. One, she might meet Jhoanna’s mom as her friend–like how she introduced her online before. And two, she might meet her as her girlfriend, which if you’re going to ask Colet makes her blood run cold. 

It isn’t her decision. It all boils down to Jhoanna—if she’s ready to tell her mom. 

And so she asks. “Paano ba tayo mamaya?” She speaks carefully, not wanting to put any pressure on Jhoanna to come out to her mom. She’s just genuinely curious. 

And if she is ready…papanindigan pa rin naman s’ya ni Colet—kahit nakakatakot, kahit hindi sigurado. 

“What do you mean? Roommate kita.” Jhoanna responds.

Right. It’s probably for the best. Hindi pa talaga sila ready. Colet nods silently. 

“Wait, okay lang ba?” Jhoanna stops fixing new pillowcases and looks over Colet’s direction. “Sorry, sobrang natataranta ko.”

“Okay lang.” Colet responds. It’s weird but somehow, meron ding part sa kanya na umasa kahit konti lang na baka…baka p’wede—but she knows she’s genuinely okay with it. Still aware of the storm of anxiety looming over Jhoanna’s head, she turns her head and gives her girlfriend a reassuring smile. “I promise po okay lang. Hindi pa tayo ready.”

Jhoanna returns her smile before looking at the screen of her phone. “Bibili daw muna sila ng food to bring here. Thank god.” Jhoanna sighs, locking her phone and tossing it on her table. “Wala tayong mailuluto para sa kanya.” She says that as she comes closer to Colet. 

Suddenly, Colet feels warm hands snake around her waist. She tries her best not to smile as the hands gently twist her hips. 

Once she’s turned around, she gives Jhoanna a raise in the eyebrow, her back slowly pressing against the divisions of their closet. She then lets out a small giggle. So fitting. 

“Ano?”Jhoanna asks, her voice low.

“Wala, ang funny lang…” Colet says, her mouth twisting into a teasing smile. “You’re shoving me back in the closet…literally and figuratively.”

Jhoanna pouts, and knowing the girl, Colet is sure she’s now overthinking it. “Sorry, sorry.” Colet apologizes. “I promise po okay lang. Please ‘wag kang ma-pressure mag-out sa mommy mo just because of me. This should be your thing, mahal—whenever you’re ready.”

And she means that genuinely. She knows what it feels like to feel pressured to come out just because of a relationship. Not to sound like she’s twisting things, Colet coming out to her parents was her decision. But if someone were to ask her if her relationship with Maloi—who was out and about to her accepting family—didn’t have a hand in that, she would be lying. 

Jhoanna responds to her by stepping one step closer, this time fully pressing Colet over the clothes hanging and putting a hand over the wooden material of the division. 

“J-Jho…” She calls. “Ano ba…”

Jhoanna gives her a coy smile, ultimately loving whenever Colet squirms under her gaze. 

In a way, Colet is relieved that Jhoanna’s mom is staying with them—kahit isang gabi lang. If she can stop whatever temptation war her girlfriend has started with her in whatever way she can, then she’s willing to bite the bullet. Needless to say, the past few nights have been one of the most difficult nights Colet has ever had.

A huge part of her really wants to make Jhoanna’s…first time to be special. And it’s really what she has been saying to the girl. She doesn’t just wanna give in to whatever biological urge she feels in her body, because Jhoanna deserves more than a lust-driven first time.

Another part of her is concerned for her own mental well-being. The last time that she did this, she fell into a pattern of infatuation that really affected how she functioned at school. Her physical relationship with Maloi progressed so quickly and it consumed her. She wouldn’t say she became dependent but she was on the way there. And with a girl like Jhoanna…boy, she knows she is in for a wild ride. 

Even though she knows Jhoanna is here to stay, Colet still couldn’t risk it. Naturally, she could say she isn’t ready herself. 

“Kiss mo ako…” Jhoanna demands.

Smiling smugly, Colet lands a soft kiss on top of the girl’s head. 

“Eh!” 

She then playfully rolls her eyes, cupping Jhoanna’s face with her hands before placing soft kisses on her cheeks, then her nose and on her chin. 

“Eh!” She whines again after Colet stopped. 

Colet laughs, pulling Jhoanna’s face closer to her. Pagbibigyan n’ya na, medyo matagal rin ‘ata silang hindi makakapag-PDA with Jhoanna’s mom in the condo. 

Slowly, she presses their lips together. 

The ball of fire that Colet feels in her stomach whenever she kisses Jhoanna deeply never fails to make its presence known. It’s there and it’s burning, ceaselessly taunting her to do something about it. And even though they’ve kissed probably a hundred times before, every kiss still feels new. It’s like…all the clocks in the world go backwards and Colet becomes so lost in it, she could feel herself drowning. 

It’s surprising that even after one month with the girl, she still doesn’t know how to swim. She probably never will, and she thinks it’s okay. 

It’s Jhoanna who pulls away first, panting as she presses their foreheads together. 

“Tapusin mo na ‘yang ginagawa mo.” The girl commands at once, before pulling away altogether, leaving Colet still with her eyes closed, her smile dropping in an instant. 

From baby to that, real quick. 

Colet anxiously fiddles on the hem of her shirt while looking at herself in the mirror. She had put on something more decent than a pair of pajama shorts for meeting Jhoanna’s mom. She then goes back to combing her hair and checking if she still has eye gunk. It’s not her first time doing this but still makes her nervous. 

Sinundo kasi ni Jhoanna ‘yung mommy n’ya sa lobby and that’s why she was left alone with her thoughts for a while. 

Zoning out, she spots a picture of Jhoanna stuck at the corner of the mirror—one Colet took during Jhoanna’s first nights on her bed, smiling radiantly at the camera as she hugs the two plushies together. She overthinks it but then decides to leave it there. It’s cute, and it might pass. 

She tries to think about a position that would make her look…nonchalant—calm, so she makes her way to the kitchen, sitting on the counter as she scrolls on her phone. Her mind changes in an instant, deciding she will look more relaxed at the couch. 

Colet takes a deep breath, a trick she’s learned from Aiah. 

She then scrambles the moment she heard the familiar fiddling of the door, an indication that someone is trying to get in. 

Her breath hitches but then she exhales when she finds out it was only Sheena. 

“Tinext ako ni Ate Jho, samahan daw kita dito…” The younger girl says, popping her head in first before coming in altogether. “Saka may food daw ako.” She adds excitedly. 

Sheena takes the spot next to Colet on the couch. And Colet sees Sheena studying her from the corner of her eye. 

“Relax ka lang, Ate Colet. Mabait ‘yon…” The girl says giddily. 

“Di naman ako kinakabahan.” Colet lies. “Sobra lang…jusko sasabog na ‘ata ‘tong dibdib ko.”

“First time mo ba s’ya mamimeet?” Sheena asks, to which Colet shook her head. 

“I mean, personally, oo. Pero sa video call na-meet ko na s’ya.” She takes another deep breath. “Saka, friends lang pakilala sakin ni Jho.”

She sees Sheena nod. 

“Tita!” 

Colet nearly jumps at Sheena’s sudden change of tone. The younger girl stands up, making a beeline towards the door and Colet follows her with a gaze. She blinks slowly, as Jhoanna and her mom come into her vision. She watches as her girlfriend smiles into her mom and Sheena’s interaction. 

It compels Colet to get up from where she’s seated at the couch, putting one foot in front of the other and stopping only when she’s already in front of her girlfriend’s mother…well, friend’s mother—for now.

“H-Hello po, tita.” Colet manages, as she holds out her hand. “Colet po.” She took the initiative to introduce herself, para na rin ma-minimize na ‘yung awkwardness kung si Jho pa ‘yung mag-introduce.

Jhoanna’s mom holds out her hand almost immediately, smiling radiantly at her. At least now she knows where Jhoanna got most of her sunshine energy. Colet gladly takes her hand and puts it on her forehead. She gives Jhoanna the quickest glance, noticing the familiar wrinkle on the younger girl’s forehead—a clear sign that she’s nervous to death. 

“Hi Colet.” Her mom says. “Gutom na ba kayo? May dala kong food, tara sabay sabay na tayong kumain.” 

So far so good, Colet thinks. 

The four of them moved to the kitchen, which is not a far travel. Sheena took the liberty of digging into the huge brown paper bag that Jhoanna’s mom brought, as the latter girl helped out in arranging the plates. They would have to dine at the counter since wala naman silang dinner table to eat on. 

Jhoanna’s mom–Tita Jhoni gets on one kitchen stool, sitting comfortably as she looks over the pair of cousins fussing over the food. Colet suddenly feels hot as brief flashbacks of her pinning Jhoanna on the counter, sitting on the same kitchen bar stool where Tita Jhoni is seated at, floods through her brain—the feeling of her soft lips on hers, how she scratches the back of Colet’s head in a manner that makes the hairs on her legs stand up…

Fuck. She mentally curses, shaking her head briefly before joining them on the counter. She shoots Jhoanna a reassuring look, noticing the worried look on the younger girl’s face. 

“Kamusta po ‘yung byahe n’yo, tita?” Colet asks, propping herself on the stool across Jhoanna, beside Sheena. 

“Okay naman, hija.” She kindly replies. “Naku, pasensya ka na at hindi ako nakapagsabi nang mas maaga na dadalaw ako. Hindi na kasi nagrereply sakin si Tintin kagabi. Tapos biglaan din ‘yung reunion.”

Colet chuckles, shooting Jhoanna a smile this time. Tintin. Sobrang cute talaga. 

“Wala naman pong problema, tita.” She reassures. 

Colet then watches as Tita Jhoni gives their condo unit a visual sweep. It makes Colet feel uneasy, but she tries to relax. It’s okay. They did their best to clean the unit. It’s going to be fine. 

“Nanggaling pala kayo ng museum?” Tita Jhoni asks.

Colet follows her line of sight, ultimately freezing in her seat as she traces where Jhoanna’s mom’s sight is fixed on—their picture clipped on the fridge, the one where Colet is smiling at the camera with Jhoanna lips on her cheek. This time, kasama na nila si Sheena na nagpanic. 

They can’t believe they forgot to clear the kitchen. 

“Opo, Tita Jho.” Sheena reponds. “Kelan nga ulit ‘yan, guys?” She attempts. “Last month, ‘di ba? ‘Yung favorite ko jan ‘yung malaking kalansay ng whale.” The claps to prove her point, emphasizing each and every word to make it believable. 

Good save, Sheena. 

The woman nods, apparently convinced—or at least it looked like it. Because well, two friends can kiss on the cheek, can’t they? Her sight then falls on Colet’s little shrine at the sala. “Sinong tumutugtog ng gitara, ikaw ba hija?”

Colet nods, relieved that the topic was changed. At that point, Colet was willing to talk about even the strangest of things like the  time she peed her pants back in preschool for example, if it meant diverting Tita Jhoni’s attention towards something else. 

“Opo…”

“Ay mommy, magaling ‘yan.” Jhoanna says, a big smirk donned on her face. “Maganda boses n’yan. ‘Di ba ang galing? Talented na matalino pa.”

It’s not that she doesn’t like it. It does make her blush but she couldn’t help the cringe. She guesses it’s just the young Colet who didn’t know how to take compliments. 

“Ah ikaw nga pala ‘yung gusto maging…abogado.”

“Opo.” She responds shyly. “Sana makapasa ng bar.”

“Makakapasa ka n’yan.” The woman reassures her. “Basta focus ka lang…” She says in such a motherly manner that made Colet actively miss having a mom. 

They start digging into the food as they fall into idle conversation about Colet’s pursuit to become a lawyer. Tita Jhoni asks her about her parents and where she’s from as well, and Colet answers her with such zeal. She and Jhoanna exchange comforting looks every now and then. 

“Magaling din ‘yan sa school n’ya, mommy.” Jhoanna adds. “Nakakanood ako nung mga recitations n’ya. Grabe, sobrang hirap pero nasasagot n’ya talaga!”

Tita Jhoni shoots her a proud smile, which makes Colet wonder if…baka pasado naman. 

“Ikaw anak, kamusta naman work mo?”

Colet could tell it caught Jhoanna by surprise. She stops digging into her plate, waiting for Jhoanna’s response. 

“Okay naman po…medyo bumibigat lang ‘yung load ko ngayon.”

“Ano ka nga ulit d’yan, nak?” She asks it not to be rude, Colet is sure. Siguro hindi lang rin n’ya talaga alam kung ano ‘yung scope ng work ni Jhoanna ngayon. 

Jhoanna looks down. “Article moderator po. Basically, ako po ‘yung nag-rereview ng mga articles na pina-publish nung…label namin.”

“Okay lang ‘yan, anak. ‘Wag ka magmadali. ‘Yung pangarap mong maging news anchor, malapit na ‘yan. Tyagain mo lang…”

The younger girl nods, although Colet knows na medyo naiinip na rin ‘yung girlfriend n’ya. Because even though she tries to lift Jhoanna’s spirits up by telling her na first year n’ya pa lang after graduating, she knows no amount of reassurance could ever make Jhoanna feel better. 

She knows this to be true because Aiah and Mikha were right. In a way, parehas sila ni Jho ng personality. They will both do whatever it takes to achieve their dreams. 

“Although, may na-meet ako na common friend namin…i-set up daw ako ng appointment sa Dad n’ya na talent manager this Tuesday.” 

Colet catches Jhoanna’s split second smile before the girl is widening her eyes in surprise. She shoots Colet a worried look and Colet freezes again, taking a few beats to process her words before she is clearing her throat in discomfort. She must have swallowed using the wrong pipe, because what does Jhoanna mean there is already an appointment? Kasi wala namang nabanggit si Jhoanna sa kanya. 

She attempts to stop her impending sadness but she could feel herself physically deflate, her shoulders slumping forward as she munches. 

Wanting to give her girlfriend the benefit of the doubt, she tries to blink her disappointment away. 

Inviting Sheena was a right decision, she has to give Jhoanna that. The girl really knows how to take over the most awkward and idle conversation and turn it into an animated one. Kasi kahit mag-focus s’ya sa usapan nila ngayon, alam rin ni Colet na fixated na s’ya sa omission ni Jhoanna. 

Sinubukan ni Jhoanna na kausapin s’ya nung umalis na ‘yung mom n’ya to meet her friends for an after lunch pre-reunion coffee, but Colet wasn’t having it. Kilala n’ya ‘yung sarili n’ya—knows the kind of fury that she has inside her. Magsasagutan lang sila and Colet doesn’t want to subject Jhoanna to that. She knows she needs to clear her head first before engaging in a conversation with Jhoanna. Plus, she has a one p.m. makeup class that she needs to attend. 

And that’s why, even though it was hard, she left Jhoanna to be with Sheena for the rest of the afternoon. She needed to get her head in today’s class anyways, kahit mostly lecture lang naman kapag makeup class. 

Colet actively prepared herself for what’s about to happen when she gets home. She’s fully aware that she’s still upset about it but at least now, she’s willing to hear whatever Jhoanna has to say. She had asked the girl via text if her mom was already back and Jhoanna responded that Tita Jhoni won’t be in until later tonight. There’s a relief to that since Colet doesn’t really want to argue with her girlfriend in front of the woman who raised her. It won’t be a good impression for sure. 

She settles her satchel bag on the kitchen counter. It is nearing six p.m., almost time for dinner. Essentially, she’s dragged this long enough to torment them both. The girl thinks na ayaw n’ya na rin ‘tong palakihin that’s why she makes a beeline towards the bedroom to find her girlfriend. Unlike the last time, she knows she has a full right to be disappointed this time. 

Just as expected, Jhoanna is fast asleep on their bed, clutching her duck plushie on her chest, mouth slightly agape as usual. Normally, this sight is enough for her to fall into a state of melted goo. But not this time. 

Colet shakes her head, taking off her cream coat and fixing it on a hanger. Her pants and blouse soon follow. She fixes herself a tee and a pair of sleep shorts before going back to the bed, suddenly noting the lack of sheets covering her girlfriend, and knowing her tendencies to feel cold even at boiling temperatures. She fixes a blanket over her, an action that made Jhoanna stir. Eventually, the younger girl’s eyes start to open.

“Hi…” Her voice came out hoarse, like she’d been crying again. “Kanina ka pa?”

Colet lets out a small breath. “Hindi naman.” 

Jhoanna sits up, patting the spot across her for Colet to take. Hesitantly, Colet follows.

“Galit ka pa?” Jhoanna asks point blank.

Colet audibly clicks her tongue. “Oo, pero magsalita ka na.” She says before folding her arms on her chest. 

She watches as Jhoanna closes her eyes and exhales through her nose. “Wala naman talagang excuse other than nakalimutan ko talaga. I wanted to tell you as soon as I knew pero ito kasi ‘yung time na sobrang upset ka rin sa isa mong subject…’yung nasabon ka kamo. So ayaw ko na sanang sumabay pero ending…nakalimutan kong banggitin.”

The older girl nods, finding some sense in her girlfriend’s words. 

“I’m sorry, mahal.” Jhoanna pleads. “Sorry na, please.”

Colet, although softened by Jhoanna’s pleading, is still unconvinced. She needs to know more about this appointment. 

“Sa’n daw ba ‘tong appointment na ‘to?”

“Tagaytay daw eh…may small gathering daw kasama nang ilang tao sa industriya.”

“Pa’no ‘yun? Susunduin ka raw n’ya?”

“P’wede ba?”

“‘Pag sinasak mo ako siguro Jho, p’wede. Otherwise, manigas s’ya.”

“Mahal…”

“Ano? Gusto mong magpasundo? Sasakay ka ng kotse n’ya, kayong dalawa lang? Tigas naman ng bagang n’yo.” Colet hates it when she’s like this, especially with Jhoanna. But at this point, lumalabas na lang sa bibig n’ya kung ano ‘yung gusto n’yang sabihin. Valid naman siguro. And Jhoanna can’t keep using the first time relationship card on her. She needs to learn how to draw a line. 

This is Colet setting her foot down. What’s hers is hers. 

“Alam kong worried ka na baka mawala interest n’ya sa’yo when he finds out you’re already in a relationship, and in turn, baka hindi ka na ipakilala sa tatay n’ya pero…fuck naman, Jho.” Colet’s words come out like oozing lava, destroying everything in its path but she needs to let this out.  “Tapos nitong tuesday na? Hindi mo man lang ako binigyan ng time para i-process…”

Jhoanna keeps her head down, unable to look Colet in the eye. 

“Ano?” Colet taunts. “Ngayong binibigyan kita ng chance magsalita, ayaw mo naman magsalita.”

“Pagkakamali ko kasi na hindi ko talaga nabanggit sa’yo…” Jhoanna says quietly. “Kaya okay lang, magalit ka sakin.”

Colet angrily exhales, pinching her nose in disappointment. 

“Kayo na ni tita matulog dito, du’n na ako sa kama ni Aiah.” Colet says with finality before walking out to lock herself in the bathroom. She’s done with this conversation. Alam naman n’yang sa hindi maganda lang ‘to mapupunta ulit.  

Coming home, she really didn’t want to make this a big deal. She really thought na she already gathered enough space to process things, pero hindi pa pala. She thinks what really set it back on fire was the fact that Jhoanna is okay—actually wants to get in a car alone with this guy. 

Jhoanna’s mom came in before midnight. Colet was already half-asleep during this time but she could make out the conversation between them clearly. Apparently Tita Jhoni lost track of time and actually enjoyed the time that she spent with her college friends.

As soon as Colet is sure the door is already locked for the rest of the night, she lets herself drift back to sleep. 

Apart from that one minor fridge picture mishap, she thinks their little act is convincing enough to make Jhoanna’s mom believe that they are just two friends sharing a dorm. Colet thinks them not being okay helped a lot too because for once she isn’t always looking at Jhoanna like she makes the sun go up. 

She mostly stayed out of their business, although she remained polite to the woman. 

Colet notices, however, na habang papalapit na ‘yung oras ng pag-alis ni Tita Jhoni, that Jhoanna is much clingier, which is understandable so she doesn’t really question it. 

It was all going smoothly so to speak. 

That was before this.

Ihahatid na nila si Tita Jhoni sa pinto. Of course, sinamahan ni Colet si Jhoanna. She doesn’t wanna seem rude. Despite her riff with her daughter, Colet has truly enjoyed her presence in the unit. It’s been a while since she had a mother figure and it felt nice. 

Colet gives her a hug to express her gratitude. Kahit naman hindi sila okay ni Jhoanna, this woman still raised her girlfriend. 

Once she’s said her goodbye, she steps aside for Jhoanna’s turn. 

Jhoanna hugs her mom a little longer…never letting her go as the younger girl buries herself in her mom’s embrace. It’s almost as heart warming as Colet would like. Personally, she doesn’t have anything against this. That’s why she shoots Jhoanna’s mom another smile as the two of them sway while entangled in each other’s embrace.

“I have something to tell you…”

She hears Jhoanna’s words clearly, despite her back being turned to the older girl. 

Colet’s heart suddenly drops to her stomach. She now notices that Jhoanna is crying, and her mom is sporting a worried look on her face. Colet mimics that worried look. 

Her mind is running a hundred miles per minute, wondering what is going through her girlfriend’s head at the moment. 

“Mommy…” Jhoanna sobs. 

“Jusko, bakit naman umiiyak…” Tita Jhoni says, wiping Jhoanna’s tears with her palm. “Ano nangyari sa’yo…”

Colet wants to walk away, feeling like she’s intruding on their moment. But then again, Jhoanna might need her for what’s about to happen. She knows the scene all too well. 

She cannot interfere. Kahit gustuhin n’ya pang i-comfort si Jhoanna–assure her that it’s okay kahit hindi n’ya sabihin ngayon, she knows that this is her moment—her decision. And if Jhoanna feels like this is the right time, then this is the right time. 

So, Colet tucks her hand behind her back, patiently waiting for Jhoanna…until she’s ready…whenever she’s ready. 

Jhoanna looks back at her and she does her best to give her a comforting smile. In her head, kahit na disappointed pa rin s’ya kay Jhoanna, she’s still here for the girl for this. A girl like Jhoanna is rarely speechless. That’s why she’s sure this is really taking a toll on her. 

Colet feels her heart thumping in her ears but she disregards it knowing full well na wala sa kaba n’ya kung ano ‘yung takot na nararamdaman ni Jhoanna ngayon. Nothing is scarier than this…and if kailangan pa ni Jhoanna ng kaunting minuto o kahit oras pa yan, Colet is willing to make the time. Kahit abutin pa sila ng maghapon, actually. She’s going to stand with her girl. 

“Mommy…” She starts again. “I’m sorry po.”

“Bakit anak?”

“Kasi…nagsinungaling ako sa inyo.” Jhoanna says in between sobs. 

Colet internally nods. That’s what’s probably eating at her—lying to her parents. 

“Bakit?”

“Kasi natatakot po ako na baka hindi n’yo matanggap.”

“Anak, anong hindi namin matatanggap?” Jhoanna’s mom offers the younger girl another hug, but Jhoanna refuses it. “Tin…pinapakaba mo ko ah.”

“K-Kami po…” Jhoanna chokes. “Kami ni Colet.” Her words come out blurry but still audible somehow. 

As hard as it was, Colet looks at the woman in her eyes. Paninindigan n’ya ‘to. And for a while, they just stare at each other. Colet’s heart is now banging inside her chest, but still she holds her gaze. She watches as the older woman’s face morph—from a puzzled look then to a soft smile.

“Ay sus.” Jhoanna’s mom remarks before forcing Jhoanna back into another hug. “P’wede ba namang hindi namin matanggap…eh ang tagal ka naming hiningi ni Daddy mo kay Lord. Nag-iisa ka naming anak…”

Colet blinks, the hurricane inside her ultimately dying, as she feels the familiar sting in her eyes. 

At that moment, Jhoanna basically broke down in her mom’s arms. 

“Ramdam ko naman ‘yun, anak. Ramdam kita…walang magbabago, okay? Ikaw pa rin ‘yung Tintin namin na willing gawin lahat para mapasaya kami—pursigido, matalino at masunurin naming anak.” Her mom’s voice now shakes. “Alam naming hindi kami nagkamali ng pagpapalaki sa’yo kasi napakabuti mong bata.”

Colet sniffs, finding herself smiling at the mention of Jhoanna’s childhood nickname again. Feeling like it was okay to let the guard down, she walks briskly to the kitchen to fetch them tissues. 

“Basta ‘yung mga bilin namin sa’yo ‘wag mong kakalimutan…wala naman kaso, anak.” 

Colet watches as her girlfriend’s face gets cradled into her mom’s hands, her own tears rolling down her face as she hands them the tissue. It isn’t envy, Colet knows it for sure. But these are the words that she so desperately wanted to hear from her own mother and in a way, she’s like reliving her own coming out—this time getting the response that she so wanted to hear. 

Jhoanna’s mom then looks at Colet, disregarding the tissues and pulling her into a hug as well. “Jusko, nag-iiyakan kayo…okay lang ‘yan basta mabubuti kayong mga bata.” 

Colet wipes her own tears discreetly, not wanting to take Jhoanna’s moment. 

“Alagaan n’yo lang ‘yung isa’t isa…’yun lang ang bilin ko ha.”

“Opo.” Colet responds immediately, feeling like Jhoanna’s mom trusts her now. She has entrusted her with her daughter and Colet is going to cherish that forever. 

Colet isn’t going to lie. The bliss that she’s feeling right now is enough to make her want to run and shout into the mountains. This liberating feeling…as if nothing else in life could go wrong because…Jhoanna’s mom accepts them. It’s empowering and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. 

Still, she knows this is just the beginning. Marami pa silang pagdadaanan ni Jhoanna ng magkasama that’s why Colet needs a hold on to the faith that the younger girl has kindled in her heart. 

The high that they felt from telling Jhoanna’s mom about their relationship pushed her to be honest with Jhoanna as well, the younger girl’s courage being that contagious. 

She told her that she’s scared to be physically dependent on her and Jhoanna understood. Hindi rin alam ni Colet kung bakit hindi n’ya nasabi ‘yun kay Jhoanna in the first place because the girl had been nothing but understanding to her since the beginning. 

Colet tells her that she’s scared but as they stood face to face in their bedroom, all she feels is courage—courage to want to try again, courage to let Jhoanna in completely, courage to be physically vulnerable before the girl. 

She tells her that she’s scared but god, she wants her. 

And it’s not just now either—it’s all the fucking time. And she knows it’s the same for Jhoanna too. 

Colet’s doubts fizz into nothing, as they step closer to each other. The talking can wait. For now, they get lost in each other, basking in the bliss of their love. 

“Susundan namin kayo ni Miks…”

It was random and so out of the blue.

“Hmm?” Jhoanna hums, as she feels Colet trace some random pattern on her bare back. She could tell the girl was just about to drift off,  her drawing circles on her creamy skin soothing her enough to sleep. 

“Papayag akong sumakay ka ng kotse n’ya basta naka-convoy kami ni Miks sa inyo papuntang Tagaytay.” Colet was able to collect all her thoughts this time. It’s not easy given the…activity that they were just doing five minutes ago. 

She hears Jhoanna giggle as she presses on a particular spot near the small of her back. She raises an eyebrow at the younger girl, her head lifting up from where it’s propped on her arm as well, taking in the beauty before her as she stares down a naked Jhoanna that’s only covered by a beige blanket.

“Ano, papalag ka?” She asks smugly because...well, the great wall of Colet Vergara is already upon them. 

This is Colet setting her foot down. She knows that meeting is important to her girlfriend and the best they could do now is compromise. 

“Grabe naman ‘yun kasi, mahal. Do you not trust me?”

“I trust you.” Colet replies, as they both shift so Jhoanna is now facing her on the bed. She lets out a loud exhale. “Hindi ka ba talaga naaalarma kahit konti na baka delikado ‘yang mga ginagawa mo?”

Jhoanna pouts. “Okay, fine. Sorry.”

“‘Yan…makinig ka rin kasi sakin. Tigas tigas ng ulo…”

“Sa’yo ko lang nakuha ‘to eh.”

As Colet gives the younger girl an eyeroll, she shakes her head at the thought of her being so whipped for the girl, thinking about the lengths that she will go for her, mapagbigyan lang talaga.

God, Jhoanna Robles will be the death of her. 

Chapter Text

Colet watches with a frown and a sigh as Jhoanna starts to lick her fingers excitedly, lying on her stomach on the bed, so lost in talking to someone on the phone, as a cold glass of soda fizzles on a coaster seated beside her–the sound of her munching on a huge bag of chips taking over the room. She just got home after her three hour class in labor standards and she’s about to prepare for the night ahead. 

The girl hasn’t noticed her come in yet, so silently, she tiptoes to the direction of her table, gently setting her school bag and books down and then to the girl’s barely hanging feet. Colet nudges them, pinching her toes playfully. 

The younger girl jumps, letting out the loudest shriek Colet has ever heard, the motion almost spilling the drink on the bed. “Love!” She scolds.

“Hindi ka pa naliligo. Anong oras na…” Colet remarks. 

“Kausap ko si mommy sa phone.” Jhoanna reasons out. 

Colet’s eyes widened in a split-second, eyebrows shooting up, not actually realizing that Jhoanna was talking to her mom.  

“Hello po, tita.” She greets, lowering herself on the bed to a point where she could see the phone screen clearly but not enough so her outside clothes are touching the sheets. Jhoanna has a proud smile on her face. “Kamusta po?” 

“Hello Colet.” Tita Jhonni greets back. “Okay naman ‘eto kinakausap ko si Tin tungkol sa lakad n’ya mamaya. Kanina ko pa nga rin pinapaligo ‘yan” 

Colet looks at Jhoanna whose eyebrows are now knitted together, feeling like the two are ganging up on her. “Ayan sabi ko sayo.” She scolds silently, before putting her attention back to the lady on the screen. “Ako na pong bahala dito, tita. I’ll make sure din na makauwi s’ya ng safe dito mamaya.” 

“Okay good.” Tita Jhoni flashes her a smile. “Sige gumayak na kayo at anong oras na.” 

“Sige po, tita. Ingat po kayo d’yan.” Colet says bidding her farewell. 

With her still cheese powder-coated finger, Jhoanna reaches for her phone, preparing to hit the end call button. “Sige mommy, balitaan na lang po kita mamaya. Bye bye, love you.” 

“Love you, anak. Ingat kayo ha.” 

“Opo, promise.” The younger girl responds. 

“Colet, ‘yung anak ko ha.” Pahabol ng mommy ni Jhoanna. 

Feeling proud that Jhoanna’s mom trusts her now, Colet tries to stop herself from smiling —this new responsibility she has taken on. She just knows that she’s going to take on it with a full heart. 

“Opo, tita. Ako na po bahala.” Colet reassures again. 

“Sige na, mommy. Ang dami mo pang mga bilin d’yan.” Jhoanna adds. “Bye, love you.”

“Bye.” 

The moment the call ends, Colet immediately gets up to poke her girlfriend on the sides, putting on a stern face. 

“Sabi ko sa’yo tigil mo na ‘yang pagkain ng mga ganyan.” Colet scolds, Jhoanna giving her an embarrassed pout. “Tapos kain ka pa ng kain dito sa kama. Sinasabi ko talaga sa’yo kapag natapon ‘yan…” 

Colet says all that while fetching the glass sitting on a coaster on the bed,and placing it on the secure surface of her study table. 

“Ano?” She taunts. 

And in slow motion, Colet sees Jhoanna’s pout transform into a smug grin, as if she’s thought of the brightest comeback she could ever have. 

The younger girl tilts her head away from Colet, her chin pointing to the girl’s direction. “Bakit? Kumakain ka rin naman dito ah?” 

It took a solid beat before Colet could make out what the girl was trying to say. Then slowly, a crimson blush creeps up her neck and then starts to spread across her face.

“Ah okay.” She deadpans, before her body is moving swiftly, her socked feet climbing on top of the bed to situate Jhoanna underneath, as she jumps vigorously essentially shaking the laughing girl below her. Colet’s heart dances in her chest, as the air starts to get filled by the younger girl’s squeal of joy. 

“Ayoko na…” Jhoanna pants. “Ayoko na mahal, please…” She manages in between giggles. “Nahihilo na ko.”

“Ano, laban ka ba?” 

Big brown eyes stare into Colet’s directly, pinching her heart delicately as Jhoanna starts to pout, her head shaking slowly—Colet’s weakness, her personal brand of kryptonite. 

Because Colet is such a whipped girlfriend, she immediately jumps off the bed, letting out a small ‘ya!’ as she lands on the carpeted floor.

“Bahala ka d’yan, maliligo na ko.” She says. 

In an instant, she sees the girl scurry off the bed to pick up her bag of chips. 

“O, sa’n ka pupunta?” 

“Ligo ka kamo eh, ligo din ako.” Jhoanna answers, her eyes sparkling with something Colet has already seen before. “Tara na…shower.” She remarks before she’s doing little skips on the way to the shower, leaving Colet in a state of weird varying emotions. 

She’s said it before and she stands by it still, Jhoanna Robles will be the death of her.